MAN: Let's call American Express. You lost your card,
(WOMAN LAUGHS) and you don't know what the number of it is.
GEORGE: That's a great one.
MAN: Do the old lady.
GEORGE: (IMITATING OLD WOMAN) I lost my card.
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
WOMAN: Your... Your accent went in and out on you sometimes.
GEORGE: I went southern and then...
ON PHONE: American Express. I'm Danille, how may I help you?
GEORGE: (IMITATING OLD WOMAN) I certainly need some assistance.
I'm sorry to call you in such a frenzy,
but I'm very shook up. I got my American Express card stolen.
WOMAN: Okay, can I have your last name, please?
GEORGE: Yes.
What's your last name?
Right.
Okay, can you give me your name so I can look up your account?
Yes. Helen.
What's your last name, please?
Easafawn.
What?
(WOMAN SNlCKERS)
Helen Easafawn.
E-A
S-A-fawn.
ON PHONE: Jerry's Famous Deli. This is Cindy. May I help you?
Hi. I have no legs. May I speak to the manager?
(RECEIVER CLICKS)
(MAN LAUGHlNG)
Now, if I get a bill and it's something, like, for...
(STUTTERlNG)
(ALL SNlCKER)
But two times in a row I eat the damn roast beef and I'm...
I can't stop going to the bathroom!
MAN: Well, I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do for you.
MAN: Ma?
And my son thinks I'm crazy.
Ma, who you calling?
It's Jerry's. And don't tell me not to call them.
Jesus Christ, get off the fucking phone!
Don't talk to me that way!
Get off the fucking phone!
What's going on?
MAN: Same thing as the last time.
Did she... What'd she call you about?
The roast beef? Yes.
All right, she just puked in the kitchen.
That's all right. I suggested that she doesn't eat roast beef
if it doesn't agree with her.
(WOMAN SNlCKERlNG)
I... I appreciate your suggestions, but I love roast beef.
It's delicious!
MAN: Go clean up the mess!
(CRYlNG) I can't. Get off of me!
You son of a bitch!
(ALL SNlCKERlNG)
(DIAL TONE)
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
George?
GlRL: Hi, Mr. Simmons.
Ladies.
George Simmons, man! Can I get a picture?
Yeah, yeah. You got it ready? All right, hit me, baby, all right.
Get a little tittie in there. Come on.
How are you? You're really funny.
Thank you. You're funnier.
(SPEAKS GlBBERlSH COMlCALLY)
Hello. Hi!
Gentlemen. Gentlemen. Hey, what's up?
GEORGE: Hey. How are you?
Hey, handsome. Doctor.
How are you, kid?
How are you, baby?
(CLEARS THROAT)
The Lunestas are working, baby.
Those are smooth. No hangover.
Fall asleep, bam. Fucking what was the deal with the Restorils?
Why did you give me those? You trying to fuck with me or something?
George, we got the results back from the follow-up of your blood count
and it's not what we hoped for.
As I mentioned earlier, the CBC was abnormal.
Your white blood cells were four times the size that they should be.
And very low hemoglobin, seven grams per deciliter.
I don't understand what you're saying right now.
Can you speak how people speak?
You have a very serious disease. It's called AML.
It's a form of leukemia and I can't predict how this will play out,
but I feel you have a rough road ahead of you.
That's George Simmons, right here.
George! George! George Simmons!
Hey, man! How, how you doing, man? I'm a big fan of yours.
(lNAUDlBLE)
I'm sorry to say we're past the point where traditional structures
Iike chemotherapy and radiation would be effective at all.
DR. STEVENS: And I think it's best for us to pursue an experimental course.
CHUCK: Here you go, ma'am. Your tamales.
Thanks for shopping at Otto's. Yo, Chuck,
I'm going up at the Comedy & Magic Club doing stand-up.
You should come watch me.
Don't let him suck you in. He's not funny.
Nah, he's right, man. No way, man. That shit was painful.
I mean, it was hard watching you suffer up there.
I had fucking nightmares after that.
That was a long time ago. That was months ago.
I've gotten a lot funnier since then.
Then you bored my wife to sleep.
I couldn't get no pussy that night, man.
Don't blame me for your pussy issues.
Are they gonna pay you? Pay me? No!
That's just how it starts. You don't get paid in the beginning.
You gotta, you know, work your way up through the ranks.
My nigger, how the fuck you in show business
when you got no business to show?
I'm supposed to be writing jokes.
I'm supposed to be doing comedy.
I'm not supposed to be making macaroni salad.
I hate it, man. It's depressing. Otto's sucks!
You don't know about no motherfucking hard time, man.
I'm a ex-convict, man. Otto's the only place that would hire me.
You too good for Otto's now?
I'm not too good for it.
I just don't... It's not for me, you know, I'm sorry.
See that bridge? 1,200 bucks.
Okay.
On the house, man! Otto, man! Otto's my lotto.
Come on, man, look. I can't work here anymore, all right?
What, you gonna be on TV or some shit like that?
I am gonna be on TV. The chunky guy on Survivor or some shit?
No, I'm gonna be like Seinfeld.
Get the fuck out of here, man!
You ain't gonna be like Seinfeld.
Seinfeld's my motherfucking man!
Now Kramer,
Kramer gets a pass from me 'cause Kramer's my nigger.
Well, very forgiving of you.
Look, as a friend, man, let me tell you something.
You're not funny. I think I'm funny.
I got new jokes, man, and they're good.
Let me hear one of your new jokes.
Okay, I got one like,
I'm really good at Guitar Hero, you know, on PlayStation,
and I was so good at it, I thought, like, "Maybe I should get a guitar."
Then I thought like, "I'm really good at Grand Theft Auto,
"maybe I should start beating up hookers."
Okay, that got me. That was humorous.
I thought you'd like that.
But, yo, I ain't got no dough, man.
For real, if I had some dough, I would go.
I'll pay your cover charge.
That's the night I take my wife out also,
so you gotta pay for my bitch, too.
Okay, I'll do it. Okay. If you come and laugh. Laugh loud.
(LAUGHS)
Like that? That's good. Perfect.
I'll see you Saturday then.
Okay, good. Thank you.
Craig, listen to me. I'm doing the best I can, okay?
I wiped your ass our entire childhood. Now it's your turn, buddy!
Well, you're the one that asked the wizard to make you young again.
I didn't mean this young!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Last time I had a suit on, at my bar mitzvah.
My bar mitzvah, it was the last...
And now I got the same suit. It's the same suit.
I think it looks good. The bar mitzvah was a good day in my life.
I made more money that day than I think I'll ever make again.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You know, it's really sad. To peak at 13 is a weird feeling.
MAN: This is indicative of the kind of...
GEORGE: Yo. Yo. Shoot that. Look at that!
Both those girls just go, "That's the guy from MTV. "
I swear on my life, those two girls, they were just going,
"That's the guy. " It's the second time it happened.
I got off a... I got off, I got off the bus, and...
I mean, the train. I'm walking out...
Me and Ann traded shifts. My family's in from Green Bay.
You know, come to see how their daughter's doing in the big city.
You know, wait, you went to school here, right?
(PHONE RINGING)
LAURA: Hello?
Hey, Laura, it's George.
How's the northern side of California going?
What do you want, George?
I was wondering if you had a few minutes.
I wanted to talk to you about something.
Actually, I don't. I was just walking out the door.
Is it okay if I get your number and I'll give you a call back later?
I know I'm not supposed to call you.
I just wanted to let you know that,
that I really am so sorry about everything.
I'm sorry, I screwed up.
Too bad you didn't realize that back then, but
anyway, I gotta go. Do you want me to call you back?
No, you don't have to call me back. I know you're not going to,
but I just wanted to let you know I was sorry one more time.
Okay. Well, all right. Okay, good luck, George.
Okay.
(CLEARS THROAT)
You know, so, like, I have this joke about how, like, you never see, like,
a very attractive, blonde, big-breasted homeless woman.
You know, like, someone will take care of that person no matter what.
That woman's gonna be fine. All right, so here's the joke.
You can be attractive and stupid and make it in the world.
Yeah.
And you could be unattractive and smart
and make it in the world. Yeah.
But it's the ugly, dumb people who are really screwed
'cause they're ignorant and an eyesore.
That's funny, man.
That's pretty funny. I think that'll work.
I was thinking of doing this thing where, like,
I'm not good-looking and I'm not bad-looking.
I'm kind of, like, right in the middle, you know.
Like... Like, if I had a good personality, I could get any chick in the world,
but I don't. Yeah, it doesn't work.
I auditioned for Budd Friedman at the lmprov.
He okayed me and made me a regular.
Budd won't even look me in the eye.
Man, that's... Good for you, man. Congratulations.
You shouldn't have lost all that weight, man.
There's nothing funny about a physically-fit man.
I know. It's lame, right? Yeah.
No one wants to watch Lance Armstrong do comedy.
(SlGHlNG) Oh, God.
Hey, lra.
Oh, hey, Mark. Can you do me a favor and never leave a paycheck
from your shit sitcom on my pillow ever again, please?
(SlGHS) That is so rude of me to accidentally leave my paycheck
for $25,000 on your pillow. I'm sorry.
It's a dick move.
It's just, they keep coming,
you know, week after week.
It's getting a little bit hard to keep track of them all.
You know what? Becoming marginally famous
has really turned you into an asshole.
Now listen, I'd love to stay here and chat with you, but we have company.
You know that girl comedian who lives across the street?
The one with the dark hair and the bangs?
Daisy, yeah. Daisy, right.
Well, I bumped into her outside and I invited her in,
and she's sitting in our living room right now.
She's out there right now?
She's hot and she's mousy, but kind of like...
She's mousy like a mouse you want to stick your dick in.
Yeah, you've gotta get out there and talk to her.
Why would you do that?
What do you mean, why would I do that?
I'm trying to hook you up.
Well, I'm laying groundwork, man.
I got a three-month plan. You can't just throw me into this.
I'll give you 10 days on your three-month plan.
No, I need 80 more days than that!
Okay, I do this because I care about you. I do this to motivate you.
But I will fuck that girl in 10 days. I promise.
Come on, dude, I'm not cute like you.
I don't look like Jackson Browne. I look like Jon Favreau!
Don't do this to me. Don't make me fuck her.
Well, then just don't fuck her!
Don't you put me in this corner where I have to fuck my way out.
He'll do it, too. He'll do it. I've seen him do this before.
I'm gonna go out there and warm her up. I'll see you out there.
Kanye. Kanye!
No. T.I. T.I.
Lil Weezy. It's all about Common.
Eminem. MARK: But do you guys know
who the greatest rapper of all time is?
(SINGING) William Shakespeare!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I know it's silly, but it's fun. You know, people like it.
Yeah. You know?
It's just cool that you're on TV. I mean...
I can't believe you haven't seen this before.
Yeah, I can't believe it's gotten by me.
Is it on a kids channel? WB? A teen channel or something?
MARK: No. It's on NBC.
DAlSY: Really?
Ira, this is Daisy. Oh!
Daisy, lra. Hi.
How are you? How's it going? Good.
Actually, I have a cold, so I shouldn't...
Oh!
Air shake.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
I've actually seen you do comedy at the lmprov a couple times.
Yeah, you're really... You're really, really funny.
Oh, thanks.
You know, lra just lost 20 pounds.
Oh, congratulations.
Yes, I did. All from my cock.
Um... So...
So, this episode right here is actually a two-parter.
Great, so does that mean we're gonna watch both parts right now?
Oh, shoot. Oh, God.
You need some help with that, lra?
No! No, it's...
It's okay, I got it. I got it. I got it.
Mmm.
(SLURPlNG)
I'm joking. I'll get a rag.
See you in nine days, lra!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
RANDY: I went to a place recently
I'm convinced is the most fucked up, crazy place
I've ever been to. It's a little place called Cold Stone Creamery.
Now, the thing at Cold Stone is...
I can't believe this is what people like.
The sizes are "like it, " "love it" and "gotta have it!"
What kind of crackhead terminology is that?
"What size you want, man?"
"I don't know, man, I just gotta have it!
"Put some ice cream in a cup with some sprinkles!
"Put your dick in a Butterfinger and fuck it for me, please!
"Put it in the cup! I need it! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!
"I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!
"I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!"
(SlNGlNG) That's how it's done, son! That's how it's done, son!
Killed it, man. Crowd was crazy.
Is it always that wild on a Wednesday?
No, they were... They seem pretty good out there.
I'm really stepping up my game.
These bitches gotta start paying me for this.
Can't get no more free Randy. I just fucked that crowd in the ass.
Yeah.
Just awesome. Just fucking bam!
Crowd, me, bam! Crowd, me... My stand-up's my dick.
(EXCLAlMlNG)
You know? I'm gonna do the same thing.
Bullshit! Let's get some M&M's and chips going.
Yellow! MAN: lra!
Hey. Kevin Rooney didn't show up,
so you're gonna do 10 minutes after Leo.
Really? Okay. Thanks. Yeah.
(MOCKlNG) "Yeah, thanks, yeah."
(SCOFFS)
(CLEARS THROAT) Hey. Did he just tell you you're going on next?
Yeah, I'm on next. Okay. Well, I'm on after you,
and if you go long, this is going to die in my pocket.
(CHUCKLES)
That wasn't a joke. I'm not a comic.
Okay, when you get the light that means one minute.
Okay.
The other night, I heard my balls and my dick talking.
And my balls were like,
"Are you okay?
(AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)
"Is he hurting you?"
And my dick's like, "You don't know him like I do.
"He's a great guy. He loves me. "
There's always one guy that laughs way too hard in the...
Hey. George Simmons just showed up.
He wants to go on, so you are bumped.
Okay, how long does he do?
How the fuck should I know?
He hasn't been here in five years, but you gotta be ready.
Okay. Okay.
LEO : Thank you, guys! It's really nice to be here!
(AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG)
See that? I fucking killed out there. Yeah, that was good.
Watch out, Leo, watch out. All my new shit worked.
Yeah. Yeah.
I was supposed to go on after you. George Simmons showed up.
Now I'm gonna go on after him.
George Simmons is going up right now? Yeah.
I just opened for George Simmons?
(SlGHS) Yeah.
That's fucking awesome, man!
(AUDlENCE CHEERlNG)
Yeah!
All right!
Yeah, all right, I'm scared.
I'm scared for all of you guys.
You need me! You need me. I'm not gonna be here forever.
Who's gonna amuse you? It's so simple.
You just look at each other and say...
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
Everyone's laughing.
You people are so unamusing you have to pay another person
to come and amuse you. What do you do at home?
Just sit, fucking antsy, all day long,
"When are we gonna get to that amusement place?
"Amuse me. " You should be thanking me for those movies.
"Oh! Finally, a movie. Let's watch it together. "
That's the beauty of movies, by the way.
You go in there and you don't have to talk to each other.
And it's fun. You could stare at the screen.
And, "Maybe we don't hate each other 'cause we both like this movie.
(LAUGHS)
"We are connecting on that.
"Hey, we're still together.
"All these years later, we still love each other, right?
"During the movie, yes. When the movie's over, 'You fucking bitch.
"'Why am I still with you? We have nothing in common.
"'Something's missing. "'
Anyways, I have no religion.
My parents did not believe in God.
That was great. They passed that along.
I didn't even have a fucking choice.
They were like, "Nope, don't do it. "
"Really? So, when Grandpa dies he goes to heaven?"
"Nope, he'll be in the ground. "
"Thanks, Dad. Should I sleep now? 'Cause I...
"There's no way I'll have a nightmare tonight. "
(EXCLAIMS) "Fuck you. I don't believe in nightmares, either.
"Fags have nightmares.
"If there was a God, why would there be a Holocaust? Go to bed, Son.
"Pleasant dreams. "
Simmons is getting a little dark.
What is he doing?
(EXHALES)
(SOFTLY) When you hear the waitress's footsteps
that's when you know you're not doing well.
(SIGHS)
Oh, boy, it's quiet in here.
You hear that?
I think I can hear the freeway.
Hello! I'm Ira Wright.
I'm not good-looking and I'm not bad-looking.
I'm kind of right in the middle.
So, like, if I had a good personality,
that might make it so girls really liked me,
but I don't. So...
Um... Uh...
Okay. George Simmons. Wow.
Now what do we do?
He seems unhappy with his money. Give it to me, I'll...
I could really spend that.
(PEOPLE LAUGHlNG)
If he's depressed with his life, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I live on my friend's pull-out couch.
So, anyway, I... Wait, did you hear that?
Yeah, George Simmons just shot himself in the face backstage.
It's sad knowing MerMan's crying inside.
Uh-oh!
Is he organizing a mass suicide? Is that where you're going?
Are you joining him?
Save some Kool-Aid for me. Just do it.
Don't worry, the next guy who's coming out has a dove hidden up his asshole, so...
And then Robin Williams is gonna slit his wrists out here.
So, that's nice, also.
I am Ira Wright, everybody. Thank you, very much. Have a good night.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
(SlGHS)
Give me a break.
Yo! Hey! Hey!
This fucking guy.
What's up?
Hey. I'm sorry.
I'm parked right on the other side of you and I can't get in.
What, you come here to make some jokes to my face now?
You're hard to follow. I didn't know what to say.
I'm sorry about that. No, don't be.
I would've done the same. You had to comment on it.
Yeah, you had some funny shit.
You're a good writer.
Thank you.
Your friend... Is that your friend? The fatter version of you?
He's my roommate. Yeah, he's really funny.
You got good stuff. You're gonna be all right.
Wow, that is so nice of you to say, man.
That's so... I appreciate it. Hey!
You know, well, I've been a really big fan of yours. All of us.
We kind of grew up on your shit and, you know, incidentally.
So, that's so nice of you to say, man. Thanks.
Thank you!
Nice to meet you, man!
(ENGlNE REVVlNG)
You're gonna die!
And I'm gonna kill you!
(LAUGHlNG)
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Man, that was awesome.
(JAPANESE POP MUSIC PLAYING)
LEO: Cats.
Can you dig it? Mmm-hmm.
Just a bunch of cats.
Then me doing stuff.
Then back to the cats doing stuff.
You've gotten 700,000 hits in four days from this?
Yep. If you put "cute kitten" in the title of your YouTube video,
you're gonna get a million hits. Mmm-hmm.
And then I link that to my website
and you can see my stand-up on my website. It's genius.
Why don't you just call it like, "Megan Fox Blows Someone"?
And then more people would google that.
Hi. I've got two girls coming over here in a little bit.
Can you fold up your bed, please, into the couch?
I don't want the place to look like a mess when they get here.
Okay, I'm sorry. I was watching this thing.
(PHONE RlNGlNG)
MARK: All right? Okay.
Hello?
Hey, this is George Simmons.
(LAUGHS)
Fuck you, Craig. What's happening, man?
It's not your dumb-ass friend Craig. It's George Simmons.
Oh!
I'm sorry. Hey. Hey, how's it going, man?
Hey, hey, good job last night. You guys were pretty funny.
You and the triple-XL version of you.
Oh. Yeah. Thank... Thank you. That's... I... Well, I appreciate that.
You guys are all right. Good job. I...
I'm doing this corporate gig for MySpace
and I'm gonna need some jokes and shit.
I was thinking maybe you guys would want to write me some.
You know, he's kind of a flaky guy, but I'm...
I've got nothing going on, man.
I would... I'd love to do that. Sure. Totally. I'm in.
What kind of jokes do you need?
Just shit about them or computers or whatever they like.
When you sprinkle a little lemon there, they get excited, you know.
That's no problem. That makes sense.
So, you want to be held accountable, come watch me do them tomorrow?
I'll take you to the gig. Okay, cool, yeah.
How should l... How should l... How should I get them to you?
I can give you my fax number and my e-mail.
What's your e-mail?
My e-mail?
It's irasexira@yahoo.com.
Wow. I'm just... I'm starting to reconsider asking you.
Don't do that. It's from high school. It was funny then.
Yeah, you should change it.
It's, like, 13 years old. Okay, I will.
I mean change it now.
Okay, I'll change it, I'll change it ASAP.
Okay, don't say "ASAP," either.
And don't say "I'm chilling" or "It's all good" or any of that stuff.
Okay, I don't. I don't chill anyway, so I won't.
And it's not all good, so don't worry.
Okay, lra. Okay.
All right, lra.
(LAUGHING)
Guys, that was George Simmons on the phone.
He saw me do stand-up.
He thinks I'm funny! He wants me to write jokes for him!
What? Yep!
Why?
Why? He thinks I'm funny!
This doesn't make any sense at all.
No?
Jeez, I gotta get started.
What is happening?
You forgot about the bed!
Friends. Friends on MySpace. Nerds.
Nerds... Nerds have no friends in real life.
The more friends on MySpace, the less friends you have in real life.
"How does the softball team at MySpace work?
"Does everyone get picked last?" That could be funny.
At some point, you should have George say, "Fuck Facebook!"
"Fuck Facebook in the face!"
(BOTH LAUGH)
So, like, that's funny. All right, tell George I wrote that, okay?
Totally. Totally, man. You gotta be like,
"Leo wrote that." Yeah, no, no, no, totally.
Hey, lra, I think this is him!
(CHUCKLES)
He's got a limo!
Can we go out and meet him?
No, no, no. You can't say hi to him.
Just let me get in with him a little more
before I introduce people to him.
Don't kiss his ass too hard, all right?
Stars hate it when you kiss their ass too hard.
I hate it when people kiss my ass too hard. You do?
You hate it when people kiss your ass too hard?
I hate it.
Man!
Hey. I feel like we're going to prom.
Okay, well, we're not. Okay, let's hit it!
This is good. I like this one
about the guy from MySpace and the guy from Craigslist getting into a fight.
That's funny.
You're excited.
I am excited.
Yeah, that's good. It's good to be excited.
I used to be excited.
Well, it's awesome. It's exciting.
(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYlNG)
(EXCLAlMS)
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
Wow!
GEORGE: Thank you!
Yeah!
Brought the nice legs with you. Good job.
Hello, hello. Good to see you, sir.
Welcome aboard. Thank you.
The name's Dave. Hi, Dave.
We may hit a few bumps up there,
nothing too crazy. We'll get you there.
Okay, cool! All right.
Hope you enjoy Chinese food. I love it!
Very good. Enjoy your flight. Thank you.
Wow!
You guys were a little late, so we had to put up James Taylor first.
Karen, she's a silver sun
You'd best walk her way and watch it shine
Watch her watch the morning come
A silver tear appearing now that I'm cryin', ain't I
I'm going to Carolina in my mind
How'd you guys get him?
Everybody's got their price.
Last year, we had Roger Waters doing Dark Side of the Moon.
That love's the finest thing around...
Okay, I thought it could be funny if you just go,
"Fuck Facebook in the face!"
All right. Hey, you do five minutes before I go up there.
What? No. No, I can't follow Fire and Rain. Are you kidding me, man?
I can't follow it, either. That's why you're going up there.
Oh, yeah
Thank you, MySpace!
Fuck Facebook!
(ALL CHEERlNG LOUDLY)
I can't believe that. He did the Facebook joke!
(LAUGHlNG) Yeah! He did the Facebook...
I can't follow this, man. I can't go on right now.
Give me this shit. Get up there. Be a man.
This is a pretty big room.
Lot of people here.
Let's have another round of applause for James Taylor, everybody.
Yeah, do you actually use MySpace?
No, no, no. I fuck girls, Tom. I don't have time for that.
I wonder if Tom and Craig from Craigslist would ever get in a fight with each other.
(AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)
Who would win that fight? That's what I want to know.
Tom or Craig, who's tougher?
Tom has more friends, so that's probably good.
Craig has weirder friends, though.
(AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)
Craig has friends that are willing to do a lot more for cash. I will say that.
Eh?
What the fuck was that all about?
You did all the jokes you wrote for me.
Oh, man, I know. I'm sorry. I panicked. It's all they wanted.
They just wanted MySpace jokes. They didn't want...
That's why I hired you to write me MySpace jokes.
I know, I'm sorry. That one, I didn't tell that one.
That one will work.
I guarantee you.
It better work. They're paying me 300 grand.
TOM: Mr. George Simmons! Really?
Thank you. Thank you. All right, Tom, thank you.
Good evening, nerds! Yes!
What about Ira, everybody? How'd you feel about Ira Wright? Yeah.
That guy, man.
He is such a fucking nerd, I can't believe he doesn't work with you people.
Tom started MySpace just to get friends, I know it.
So, they say the more friends you have on MySpace,
the less friends you have in real life. You know?
(IN HUSKY VOICE) "I have 100, 000 friends on MySpace!
"Yes!
"Isn't that great? I have so many friends on the computer. "
"What are you doing tonight?"
"I'll be on the computer.
"That's what I do. "
I hate the new generation of coolness out there.
You just never get any information out of people you talk to, the youngsters.
"Hey, what are you doing?" "Just chilling. "
All right. I know, you're chilling.
"What're you doing tonight?" "Things. " "Okay. "
I like dumb people, you know. They like to talk to you.
"Hey, what's going on?" "I like lollypops. "
(AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)
"Good. "
"My favorite color is butterscotch. "
Do you ever get tired of singing the same songs, you know, over and over?
Do you ever get tired of talking about your dick?
Yeah, I don't like... I don't like blowjobs very much.
I don't like... A lot of guys like the blowjobs,
I don't love them. I never know what to do with my hands. You know?
I'm always like...
(AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)
You can either go hands on the hips or the salute is fun.
Yeah, it's always shocking when a girl blows you.
You're like, "Really? You want to do it? All right. "
I got some advice for the ladies out there.
When you are performing that act on a fellow don't ever say,
"You know, you're the first guy I ever got the whole thing in my mouth.
(AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)
"Normally, normally, I get, like, halfway down and I just start fucking choking,
"but with you, I got a ball in my mouth!
"That's never happened!
"Look, I have him in my mouth right now, and I'm speaking perfectly clear.
"Normally I have a stutter. "
That wasn't a pee, that was a shit. That took too long.
Here's 1,000 bucks. Good job.
Thank you so much, man.
I've never made this much money doing anything, man. Thank you.
Good. I'm thinking about doing a lot more stand-up.
Okay.
And my assistant got pregnant.
I didn't even know she... I thought she was a fucking lesbian
the whole time, but...
They can get pregnant, too.
That's nice. That's very nice. Yeah.
So, you want to kind of assist me, you know?
Yeah! Yeah. I mean, not, not...
I mean, you can write jokes for me, too,
but get me sodas...
Whatever you need, man!
...and, like, clean my shit up and... Yeah.
How much money you make now?
It depends on how many hours.
Usually, I can get about...
I'll give you 1,500 bucks a week.
That's amazing, man. Thank you so much.
You want to fuck these two girls?
Hey, the JT.
George. That was the best. You killed them.
Ira.
Hello. Yes, Mr. Taylor. Yes, hello.
You wanna fuck these girls?
I filled my quota in 1982, I believe.
All right, I'll have to figure this shit out.
I know those girls.
You do? Do you want to meet those girls?
Will you fucking settle down? Yeah, talk to them. Be gentle.
You're twitching like a fucking madman. That guy in porno?
No. I would know. No?
Mandy. Well, hi there.
You're still swimming? Get the fuck out of there.
I'm ready for you.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
Oh, God. Feel that stomach. Oh. Yeah.
I like that thing. Good. Well, go for it.
It's hard. Bam!
(EXCLAlMlNG)
MANDY: This house is crazy.
GEORGE: Oh, yeah, you got to see the whole thing.
Come here. It came furnished.
Really?
(GEORGE MOANlNG)
GEORGE: That's my man, lra. He wrote a lot of good jokes for me there, honey.
Make sure he shows you his cock. It's very, very thick.
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)
See you, George.
Hey, wanna have a contest to see who can hold their breath the longest?
(GASPS)
(SPlTS)
You didn't go under.
Nothing's gonna happen between us.
I can't believe I'm having sex with George Simmons.
Yeah, he can't believe it, either.
My dad loves your movies.
Yeah, that's the best when you talk about your dad.
(MOANlNG)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Dad, this won't bring Mom back!
I have nothing else!
BOY: You're a champion, Dad! You're a champion!
Oh! You're still here.
I know that asshole.
You two were just fucking, huh? How'd that go?
No, I have a boyfriend. We already talked about it.
Yeah. John. Yeah.
Your friend took off. She thought you left, so...
Really?
That's what happens in a big house.
It's called "the big house problem."
Your friend actually left her purse down the hall.
You want to go get it with me?
Oh. Okay.
(MUMBLlNG)
Don't you leave on me, lra.
Fuck me like MerMan!
Come on! Do MerMan! Do the MerMan call!
Come on!
(WHOOPlNG) Oh, yeah! Yeah! Oh, God!
Hey. Oh. Hey.
Sorry about the chick, man. I...
You weren't getting it done, so something had to happen.
Oh, that's... No, she... I wasn't even trying.
She told me she had a boyfriend.
Oh, yeah. She told me she had a boyfriend, too.
(SlNGlNG) When she was sucking my cock!
(GAGGlNG)
(RETCHlNG)
What the fuck are you doing with that big dick of yours?
You gotta use it! You gotta share Thickie with the world.
I don't... It's normal.
You want to go upstairs, man? Talk to me while I try to fall asleep?
Okay, if... Yeah, if that's what you want me to do.
Yeah, yeah. Sit down, man. That was a fun night.
That was a good night.
Yeah, that was crazy.
Yeah.
So, you slept with both those girls, man.
How did you do that?
How did I do that? There's this...
Girls like famous guys. It's a story for them, I guess. I don't know.
I take advantage of it, though.
Believe me, they always leave disappointed.
(YAWNlNG) That's amazing.
Yeah, yeah, so let me hear about this name, lra Wright.
That's not your real name, right?
How could you tell?
(CHUCKLES)
You're hiding some Judaism.
No, my real last name is Wiener.
It's lra Wiener and everyone...
It's spelled the same as "wiener" and I just got tired of correcting people.
So, that's what led you to the path of comedy.
Being humiliated every day. First day of school,
(lN FEMALE VOlCE) "ls lra Wiener here?"
And you were in the back.
(lN KlD'S VOlCE) "Wiener. My name's Wiener."
You little fruit. What were your parents like?
What are the older "Wieners" or Wieners like?
My parents are divorced.
They hate each other. My mother thinks my father's the devil.
I don't know what that makes me, technically, but...
So, you'll never be as funny as me.
Why not?
Your generation has the divorces, which is cute-funny,
but my generation has the, "Oh, my God, my father's about to hit me with a bat!"
I just... You gotta break out the funny a lot quicker than your little faggy childhood.
(YAWNlNG)
Are you serious?
I spent my whole childhood trying to make my father laugh.
I still haven't succeeded, but we'll get there.
Don't bail on me yet. Keep it coming.
When's the first time you fingered a girl?
I was at summer camp, Jewish summer camp, on the sports field.
And her name was Sharon Mizrahi.
I didn't know what to do. I got really scared.
She reached down and grabbed my penis really hard,
Iike she was just trying to murder it.
Morning. Yeah, baby.
It took me three hours, but I think I found your kitchen.
Am I in the bathroom still? Is that it?
No, no. You're good. You're safe.
What do you got there?
This is medicine, lra. I'm sick.
One of those girls have chlamydia? I thought she smelled funny.
Is that what it is? Yeah.
I have a weird blood disease. AML. It's a form of leukemia.
This is experimental medicine from Canada.
There's an 8% chance of it working. So, fuck me.
Well, that's not true 'cause if it was,
I would've read about it or heard about that.
You didn't hear about it because
I didn't fucking run out and tell Entertainment Tonight.
Well, why would you tell me?
'Cause I don't really know you, lra.
I think you're not gonna get too weird about this.
I don't want to start getting treated like the guy who's gonna die.
So, anyways, this shit's got a lot of caffeine in it.
They say that's good for you. Let me take the medicine.
Why are you telling me this, George?
'Cause I want you to possibly do me a favor.
Okay. Yeah. What?
Kill me.
What?
Nobody knows we know each other.
You're a stranger. You can get away with this.
I got a gun in the other room. It's untraceable.
I'll give you $50,000.
Don't make me suffer. Please, kill me, lra. I'm begging you.
Can you at least give me, like, a night to think about it?
Ha!
Think about it? You would do it!
Oh, I hate you, man. Oh, no!
Ira, I misread you. You're sick! You're a murderer!
Screw you, man.
You wanted to do it!
What would you have done for $100,000? Chop my head off?
You would still want to do it!
That wasn't even good acting over there!
What the fuck? That was good acting.
Daniel Day-Lewis would've crushed that speech.
I bought that, man. Wow!
Ira, you don't have to kill me, but I am gonna die.
George, look. Honestly, I'm like... Don't get close, lra.
...a really gullible guy. Don't do this.
Look, my friends, they trick me all the time.
One of my roommates told me he was Joe Pesci's son.
I believed him for three years. I still get shit for it,
so just, please, level with me, man.
Are you serious? I am serious, lra.
Don't tell anybody about this though, all right?
I want it to be our secret.
Now, you're gonna make me some eggs. Okay, murderer?
(SOFTLY) Don't say that.
Just try not to kill any of the staff
while I'm gone, okay? They have families.
IRA: Well, he actually tricked me first, but then he showed...
I mean, he's taking medicine.
He's getting this special medicine from Canada.
MARK: Oh, my God, that's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
Yeah. I think I'm the only person he's told.
That's what he said. I mean, he's really... He likes me, in a weird...
I think he's, like, taken a shine to me, you know.
Not enough to let you in on that two-on-one.
Come on, that's not appropriate.
I don't want that anyway.
IRA: I just don't know. I mean, it's...
It's really scary. I've never even...
I don't think I've known anyone who's, like, sick,
you know, in like a major way before. I don't... I just...
LEO: George Simmons. He's been around my whole life.
It's like Snap, Crackle and Pop dying, you know?
IRA: I know.
Can we not talk about this right now?
I'm not really good with the whole death thing.
Is that all right?
I need to talk about it, man. I work for this guy now.
I can't... I mean, that's all I'm... It's all I'm thinking about.
I'm gonna tell you this story that makes me feel all right with death.
When I was younger, my grandfather died
and we were all gathered around him
and there was this one candle next to his bed.
And right after he died, the candle started flickering and then it just went out.
Wow. Yeah.
And we looked around, and there were no windows.
Like, nothing in that room.
And it sounds crazy, but we all thought
it was him going to heaven, you know?
You don't pass through fire to get to heaven.
I think he went to hell.
(SCOFFS)
What'd you just say? LEO: I just...
I think your grandfather probably went to hell.
Don't do it. Are you kidding me right now?
I'm... I'm sorry to break it to you.
You're gonna make fun of me right now,
just after I opened up to you guys like that?
It's not my fault your grandfather's in hell.
It's not a big deal. Some grandpas go to hell.
Come on. Don't be a jerk to me
just because I make more money than you guys.
How much do you make again?
(LEO LAUGHlNG)
You guys are just projecting all your hatred onto me.
Okay, and don't be super bummed out
'cause your grandfather's playing backgammon with Hitler right now.
Shit, dude, don't.
(GRUNGE MUSIC PLAYlNG)
GEORGE: I gotta get rid of this stuff.
Man, I don't know what I'm gonna do with it.
The more money you make, the more free shit they give you.
It makes no sense. I don't see any jet skiing in my near future.
All this shit was free?
You want a TV, lra?
I got, like, three flat screens laying around in there somewhere.
Sure, I can... Yeah, I can just take this stuff to Goodwill if you want or...
You know what? Don't even worry about this stuff. Let's...
I got some cars in storage you could sell for me
and just give that money to charity.
I can do that, yeah.
I'm gonna write a list out for you,
give you a bunch of things I want you to do.
What size sneaker are you?
Eleven and a half.
(EXCLAlMS) You got that thick cock, don't you? I want to see that thing.
Come on, pull the cock out.
I'm not gonna show it to you.
What the fuck's the matter with you?
I'm not gonna do anything with it.
I just want to know what I'm dealing with.
If you give me an iPod.
You asshole.
All right, you can have anything in here,
but you gotta take the MerMan poster.
No, I want... I love MerMan!
I knew you loved MerMan.
You and five-year-olds love MerMan.
It's a smart movie.
So, which, specifically, of the cars belong to George Simmons?
Which one? Yeah.
All of them.
All of them? Yeah.
Well...
How would I go about selling?
Selling them? Yeah.
Well, I don't know about selling them but I can make a few disappear.
You know what I'm saying?
I don't want to do that.
I don't want to do that, either.
Just kidding.
DlRECTOR: Scene D is up! Let's go on a bell. Yo Teach...!
(BUZZlNG)
And action!
All right now... Bradford!
Yeah? What is this?
Bo's English test.
Well, there's a mistake.
Well, yeah, there are lots of mistakes.
That's why there's an F on it.
PRlNClPAL: You know, if Bo doesn't pass, he can't play in the big game Friday.
Either you make this right,
or you'll be spending the summer teaching driver's ed. Honk, honk!
Shit.
I can't be a part of this. I'm not...
Yeah. I'm gonna go.
This is just so painful, though, isn't it?
Yes, I want to kill myself.
So, where are you from, originally? You just moved here, right?
Yep. Delaware.
Delaware! Our first state in the Union.
Yes, it is.
That's great. No sales tax in Delaware, right?
Yeah, there's not. That's weird.
You know so much about Delaware.
You fucking Joe Biden?
He's from Delaware. See? I knew that.
Bo, you're a smart kid. I've seen you rap.
Yeah! MARK: All right?
Now, I am willing to give you a makeup exam on this, all right?
Do you like music?
Did you just ask me if I liked music?
Yeah. That... I'm... I'm aware that that's a weird question.
It's like asking me if I like food.
That was my next question.
Yes. Good.
Wilco. Do you like Wilco? Wilco's playing at the Greek Theatre.
And I was just wondering if you maybe wanted to go with me.
Yeah. I'll go. I'd be into that. I like Wilco.
Great.
Okay, great, great. So, I guess we will go to the show together.
Not anymore.
You serious?
No, I'll go. Oh, okay. Thank you.
Just don't say that ever again.
Okay. I won't.
Yo, Teach! Yeah?
Thanks.
Word.
(SlNGlNG) Do-ra-mi, Wiener
My name is Wiener
My name is Wiener My name is Wiener
Don't call me Wiener
Whatever. You got any jokes for me, dum-dum?
Got some good ones, I think, actually.
I have a thing about how, like, you're rich, you know,
and so you bought a private jet,
but you're afraid of flying,
so you just drive in it.
Oh, that's funny.
You just go to drive-throughs and car washes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll come up with the ending, but that was good.
I thought it could be funny about your balls, you know, about how, like,
you're getting older and you found the first gray hair on your balls.
And it really worried you, but then you realized it was good
'cause it made your balls look distinguished and smart.
Like, if you gave your balls a little tweed jacket with elbow pads and a little pipe,
your balls could be like a character Kevin Kline would play in a movie.
Yeah, that's funny, that's funny. I could do that.
What else you got?
Actually, this just kind of happened.
I'm making you an iTunes playlist.
For what? Sometimes, when I'm upset,
music makes me feel a little better, so I thought maybe...
Oh, it's a cheer-me-up thing?
I was gonna just put it on your iPod.
I don't have to play it right now.
For what? For when I go out jogging? I don't need to...
Let me hear it. I don't jog anymore. Let me hear my playlist.
(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)
(WHlSPERlNG) lra! Ira!
Okay, you don't have to make fun of it.
No, Bob Marley!
Yes. Everything is gonna be all right. You're right, lra.
Bob Marley had cancer. Everything wasn't all right for Bob Marley.
He dead now.
(LAUGHS) What else you put on there for me?
I really don't want to do this, George.
Can we just... I'll... Just forget I did this.
Ignore it. I'll erase it, okay?
No, no, no, don't do that. Let's hear what's gonna cheer me up! This is good.
Come on. What else you got?
Okay, here's the next one.
(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(MOUTHlNG) Now I've had the time of my life
No, I never felt like this before
I don't know what to say to that one.
That's... That's just... That's just fifth grade and...
Showing me your cock was embarrassing, but this is okay?
Oh, God. That's a good song.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, what else? Give me more. This is... This is unbelievable.
(SlGHS) You sure you want to hear another one?
I don't... Yeah! Yeah, yeah.
This is fun to be cheered up.
(SlGHS) I'm sorry...
(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING) Shadows are falling And I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for a while
If I leave you, it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for a while
When you get up in the morning And you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for a while
Just write me some jokes, you stupid, fucking idiot.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Keep me in your heart for a while
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So, I'm not married. I don't think I'm ever gonna get married.
I just... I can't find a reason to do it, you know?
Like, I got friends, like,
"You gotta get married. My wife.
"My wife is a... She's the best cook.
"My wife's the... You gotta. "
And I'm like, "My cook's the best cook. "
(AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)
"But my wife, she's my best friend. "
"Yeah, my cook's actually a pretty good guy. " You know?
This could be funny.
Like, your dad didn't like you, so he named you and your dog George.
He'd be like, "Hey, George, come in here!
"Not you, the dog. "
"George, l... Look at this awesome book I just got!"
And then you come in, it's like, "Not you, the dog."
That's funny. Yeah.
"Hey, George, I made a nice steak for you. " "Hey, thanks, Dad. "
"Not you, the dog. "
"Hey, George, I just put some peanut butter on my balls. Come lick it up. You. "
Fuck him.
I miss the dry hump as a concept in my life. It just doesn't...
I miss the dry hump 'cause you don't need a big dick to be a good dry humper.
You just need a big thigh, that's all you need.
Be able to get your thigh in there real good.
I can thigh the hell out of a girl.
Sexually, I'm completely terrible, but I could do this all day.
I'm very rich, by the way. I know that makes you feel good about your life.
I got so much.
(IN HUSKY VOICE) "You have so much. Why not me?"
I have people stop me on the streets sometimes, just go,
"You have so much!" "Yes, yes." "Why not me?"
Like, "I don't know. "
(IN HUSKY VOICE) "Why you? I came out here to do what you do. "
"Well, you're not doing it. "
"No, I'm not!
"Fuck you! I want all your money and all your whores. "
Airplanes are the last public place
Where you can fart as loud as you want and no one cares.
'Cause they don't... It's loud. There's engine noise.
They just don't know it's you.
Like, you could literally be talking to someone you just met
and be sitting this far away from them
and look them dead in the eye as they talk about their grandson
and just fart as loud as you humanly can. Just...
(IMITATING FART)
"Yeah? Where's your grandson from?"
My asshole's been open this whole time. It's just still...
Hey, can you help me with some of my jokes when l... When I drop you off later?
Help you with some of your bits? Yeah.
No. I'm not gonna help you, man.
No one helped me when I started.
Fucking, I'm not paying to help you, I'm paying you to help me.
No, okay. You're right, you're right.
There is always the one girl out there, though. The one that got away.
Guys have that and serial killers have that. The one that got away.
"I had her, the trunk was lined with garbage bags
"and then she got away. "
I'm sick of rap songs telling me what to do.
"Bend over. Slap your ass, girl. Drop it like it's hot. "
Yeah, I'm gonna write a song back.
I'm gonna be, like, "Boy, brush your teeth!
"Yeah, boy, bump that jacket off your back. I'm fucking cold as shit!"
I masturbate so much with hand cream,
I forget people use it for shit other than masturbating.
Literally, when I'm in public and I see someone pull out hand cream,
I'm like, "This guy's about to jerk off!"
Can I ask you something?
Is your act just designed to make sure no girl will ever sleep with you again?
All you fucking talk about is jacking off and farting.
You think a girl's gonna come up to you after the show,
"Could you just jack off for me and then fart in my face?"
It's fucking insane! Do you want to get laid, ever?
(SINGING) How will you people live without me?
Who will bring you joy when I'm gone?
'Cause I'm one funny man
I bring the comedy
I am the one you go to, to get cheered up
(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
Put in my movies
Escape, if you will To a land of loveliness
He doesn't have patience
He hates so many people He's mad when others do well
He hates himself Fuck George Simmons
He has a medium-sized penis
He fucked so many girls And yet no one remembers
when he's done fucking them
The girl just lays there and says
I should have fucked Jean-Claude Van Damme instead of you
Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah!
George Simmons soon will be gone
And he will not miss you people at all.
Our relationship has always been strained.
You always wanted too much from me, and I'm very mad at you.
Leave me alone. Don't visit my grave, cocksuckers.
Peace!
(AUDlENCE WHOOPlNG)
(BREATHlNG HEAVlLY)
IRA: Oh, my God, it's George Simmons!
What are you doing here? What's happening?
I couldn't sleep. I want to get the Cavaliers game.
I can't get this thing ever to work.
I was up all night, man. I had a terrible sleep. I was sweating my ass off.
I'm fucking hot one second and cold one second
and the alc don't work for shit.
It's always going up to the roof.
What time is it?
It says 3:00.
It's 3:00? God damn it! I can't fucking waste time. I gotta...
All right, let's start my goddamn day.
I don't got time for this shit.
Let me have that stupid clicker. Come on.
They keep telling me that I gotta dial an extension.
I don't even have the fucking number to dial for the fucking extension!
Do you want me to try calling them?
You should have fucking called them!
Where the fuck were you last night?
You'll call them.
I'm sorry, man.
Just tell me what you need, I'll get it done, okay?
You pay for all of this stuff and none of it ever works!
Nothing! I don't even think I'm sick!
These guys are trying to fucking kill me!
I want to go to the doctor. I gotta see this guy.
What the fuck is happening?
This medicine does not work. It makes it worse!
Okay. I'll call them right now. I'll tell them we're coming, okay?
Now. We gotta go now.
I'll call them right now, okay?
Yeah. I'll meet you downstairs.
(ENGINE REVVING ONSCREEN)
Please put away the video game. Don't do that. Don't be rude.
I'm sorry.
Fucking playing Centipede?
What the fuck were you playing?
Just a driving game.
Hello, Mr. Simmons.
Hey, yeah, Doctor, good to see you.
How are you? I brought my friend.
This is my... Well, my lover, my life partner, my everything.
How are you? What's going on? How we doing?
Well, your immune system is in the middle of a very serious battle.
The medicine is trying to combat the disease,
but in the process it destroys healthy tissue
and disrupts healthy functioning of your organs
and multiple lymphatic systems,
so you're getting attacked on two levels.
And we hope the disease is vanquished
before it and the medicine does damage which cannot be contained.
Okay.
Your accent is very thick.
You ever notice your accent
makes things sound worse than they... Than they actually are?
You could give good news, and I'd still be like,
"What happened? Am I still dying?"
I'm just trying to help you.
I know you sound like a regular Joe where you come from,
but here I keep thinking you're gonna be torturing James Bond later.
I'm sure your sense of humor will serve you well in this situation.
There he goes again. All so terrifying because it came out of your mouth.
You are a very funny man.
Are you mad that you died at the end of Die Hard?
I don't understand the reference.
He kind of looks like those two guys in the second Matrix movie.
(CHUCKLES)
I assure you I was not in The Matrix.
Why did you eat Bjorn Borg? What did he do to you?
If you have no other questions, I do have other patients.
You have other patients that you have to frighten by the end of the day?
How many patients do you frighten a day?
And I am slowly getting a little bit annoyed
by these humorous activities from you guys.
So, I think you and...
We have discussed this and I am very,
very sympathetic to your recovery,
and I hope we will succeed with what we are doing.
I've been trying to build this cabinet I bought from you guys
for, like, six months and I gotta...
IKEA? That's very funny.
Hey. Yo, Teach. Hey.
How's... How was the taping?
Great. Great, yeah. I'm happy with it.
I think the ending really murdered.
Was it a very special episode?
You remember Daisy, right?
Yeah, of course.
Hey.
MARK: I'm sorry.
I didn't know you'd be coming home tonight.
I thought maybe you'd be spending the night at George's and...
Guess it's been more than 10 days, huh?
(SOFTLY) Yeah, I gave you an extra 11.
What are you guys talking about?
Nothing. Doesn't matter. It's cool.
Don't give a shit. Totally fine.
Hey. I saw the new Harry Potter movie.
Harry's getting old.
He's, like, older than my dad.
They should call him Harold Potter.
That Hermione's got some big, old titties.
Whoa!
Did you two just bone? I'm getting a little vibe here.
This is exciting. Think I'm getting a quarter chub.
(SlGHS)
Why is lra so upset?
It's been, like, way after 10 days.
He can't call dibs on every girl he meets.
We were supposed to go out on a date together.
We are going out on a date. I thought so.
We're not anymore! No!
Really?
'Cause after you fuck my roommate that kind of ends it with me!
What are you talking about? Don't treat me like that.
Just so you know how I'm seeing you? You're a starfucker.
You're a girl who met a star and then fucked him.
And he's not even that famous!
What if like a real good-looking celebrity was my roommate?
What if I lived with, you know, James McAvoy or Jude Law or something?
I don't know. I probably would fuck both of those people.
Don't say that.
I'm sorry! Lower the bar a little bit.
I can't believe that!
(GROANS)
If a hot girl walked over here, naked, and was like, "Do my body," you would.
You would have sex with her.
No, I'd feel really uncomfortable.
And then I might ask her to a Wilco show.
Okay, then you're the first guy in the world that I've ever met that's like that.
I thought you were the kind of girl that would wait two months
and then have sex with a guy.
I didn't think you would just...
I'm an independent woman.
I'm allowed to fuck people.
Well, if I had known that, I would have scheduled our date a lot sooner!
Give me a break. I don't even know you.
This is the longest conversation we've ever had.
Don't be mad at me. I said I'd give you 10 days.
I gave you three weeks.
I thought you were joking, man.
I'm gonna be honest with you.
We... We... We want to fuck every girl that we meet.
That's how it works.
If I didn't sleep with every girl you wished you could sleep with,
I wouldn't sleep with anybody.
It's a communication breakdown. We can fix this.
I don't care. The fact that you had sex with her...
I can never do anything like that with her.
So, you're really not gonna chase this girl just because I was with her?
Yeah.
Huh.
It's kind of insulting, on some level.
Wanna go to Wilco with me?
I wish I could, but I'm going with Tobey Maguire.
I might play his little brother in this movie.
(SlGHS)
I hope I get it.
GEORGE: Give me something. You didn't get rid of them. What did you get rid of?
IRA: Well, l, you know, I got a few good offers,
but honestly, I don't know how much each car is worth and l...
They keep on wanting to buy all of them
and it's hard for me to... Don't make it a big deal.
Don't get a stomach-ache over it. Just sell them.
Give it to a charity. Move on.
Okay.
I just want to be happy about
giving something away, you know.
Okay.
So...
There's something I've really been wanting to tell you, George.
Uh-oh.
Yeah.
I feel as though you need to tell someone other than me about your condition.
I don't want to do that.
George, people care about you.
You have to let them be there for you.
I tell somebody, then it's all gonna change, and you can't get it back.
Everything's already changed, George,
and the truth is soon you're gonna start getting very sick
and you are gonna want someone other than me there.
I mean, have you... Have you even told your parents yet?
My parents are in their mid-70s.
They would drop dead if they heard about this.
Friends. You must want to tell your friends.
I don't really have any friends.
I have people I shoot the shit with and fuck around with,
but there's nobody I'm really close with.
I've got showbiz friends.
Andy Dick isn't a friend. He's just a guy you know.
You're my closest friend, and I don't even like you.
(SlGHS)
You have to tell someone other than me, man.
I can't be the only one who knows.
I've never dealt with anything like this.
All my grandparents are alive.
Listen, this is not your job to cry. Your job is to not cry.
I'm just trying to talk to you man-to-man, George.
As a man, you are crying right now.
I'm not crying.
People are gonna think we just broke up or something, lra.
Stop doing what you're doing.
Okay, I'll stop.
You're causing a scene. You're making crazy faces now, lra.
Open your eyes. Stop crying.
(BREATHlNG HEAVlLY)
You're making noises now? You look like the lncredible Hulk.
(SPLUTTERS)
Jesus, you're spitting on my shrimp,
you asshole. I'm sorry.
(SNlFFLES)
God, I'm sorry.
Come on. Wipe it off.
Jesus Christ.
I'm sorry, I just don't know.
This is the worst.
Why didn't I just get hit by a fucking foul ball?
You ruined The Palm, you fucking ass.
This could have been the best meal, ever.
Should I get you ice chips or something?
No, I'm good.
You never had any kids, huh?
No. No. We didn't get to that.
I have three.
I know.
Three kids to carry on the Dick legacy.
How the hell did you have any kids with all the penises you've blown?
I sucked my own dick and spit it into their vagina.
I mean, knowing that. Most people just go through life asleep anyways.
Some of those people don't even wake up until they get, you know,
the Dr. Death call, you know.
(lN HUSKY VOlCE) "This is Dr. Death! You're going to die."
(RASPlNG) "Don't be afraid, George.
"It's just Death calling. Cheer up, motherfucker!"
Yeah. Fuck negativity.
Fuck it in the ass with a Chinese monkey!
I wish I wasn't so fucking angry with you right now.
Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't a good brother.
You were a terrible brother.
You just left us and you didn't care.
You didn't give a shit about us.
You don't even give a... You moved to Kansas.
Am I supposed to visit you in Kansas? Yes.
I thought that's why you moved there, so you didn't get visitors.
You're so fucking selfish.
I know.
You've only seen my son, like, three times.
I send him fucking DVDs all the time.
He doesn't want your DVDs.
He wants you to be a part of his life.
He wants to be a part of yours.
Wow. This has been great.
I want to call Dad now and just have more family time.
What did we ever do to you? I'm not Dad.
You are right.
You're very, very nice, and I'm sorry I don't know your son.
I'm sorry I don't know you anymore.
I'm glad you don't know me.
I wish I did.
You'd be let down, believe me.
Oh, man.
Oh, God.
Who's that?
That's the girl I was gonna marry...
(DOORBELL RlNGS)
...but then she smartened up.
So, she's 10 and she's six.
GEORGE: So cute.
Jeez, she looks like you, the little one, huh?
Yeah.
What's the matter? Your guy doesn't have any DNA in him?
That's all Laura.
They fight a lot, but they're cute.
Yeah. Thank you so much for coming here.
I wanted to come. I wanted to see you.
You didn't have to come here.
You didn't have to. I know it's stressful for you.
I'm just... I'm just... I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry about everything I did.
You don't have to be sorry. That was 1 2 years ago.
Everything worked out for the best.
It's good. Look at your life. This is great.
Yes. It's the best life. I hate it. I hate it all.
I haven't been... You don't hate it.
I'm addicted to it, I guess. I keep doing it.
Hello, Wayne. This is lra. I'm calling to say
I don't think today is a good day for you to come by and see George.
Maybe tomorrow. So, I'll give you a call when I know what the schedule looks like.
Thank you. I'll talk to you soon.
You have a family now. You have a family now.
I'm so happy. You did the right thing. You moved on.
You got a good life.
And... And I just got nothing, Laura. I hate that.
I hate that it could have been me with you.
Don't do that, please?
I'm sorry. I just fucking...
You... I could have had those kids with you.
How could you cheat on me? I was so hot.
You were. You were so hot. I don't know.
I was hot!
I don't even know what the fuck I was doing.
I was just a stupid idiot. I don't remember anybody else.
What was wrong with you? I don't remember anybody else.
I only remember you. I don't know.
I don't even know who they were, who fucking ruined us.
They're not in my brain, ever. It's like it didn't happen.
The only thing that happened was us.
And you ran away 'cause you had to.
I had to go.
At the time, I just couldn't do it anymore.
Yeah. But you know what I realized?
I love my husband,
but it's just not the same.
And I loved you so much and...
I know, I know, I know, I know.
I have the same thing. I have the same thing.
Don't feel bad. Don't feel bad.
I love you. I love you. I always loved you.
And the crazy thing is he cheats on me, too.
I hate...
He's like an Australian you.
I fucking hate this guy. Is he crazy?
It's just that you were the one.
Just you are... Were... Are the love...
Love of my life. And I just love you.
Yeah, the hug was a mistake, wasn't it?
You're not sick, are you?
You're just doing that to get me down here, huh?
(LAUGHS)
There are those hands again.
My big hands.
Always made my penis look small.
(LAUGHlNG)
Thank you, hands, for that complex.
Yes. Jeez.
The two of them together, it was a guaranteed dwarfing. Okay.
(PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)
Yeah.
That was worth it.
We're into overtime now, just so you know.
(LAUGHS) Jeez, that came quick.
I wish that you guys were really my friends
and I didn't have to pay you to jam with me.
All right, so let's keep going then.
(PLAYING SOFT ROCK MUSIC)
(SINGING) All my little plans and schemes
Lost like some forgotten dream
Seems like all I...
Diego. Yes, George?
The roses look terrific.
Thank you. They sure look beautiful.
Only a guy with a big cock like you could make roses this beautiful.
Don't need to be alone
No need to be alone
It's real love It's real
Yes, it's real love
You doing stand-up at all?
This is actually the first time I've left the house in three years.
But I will sometimes, in my house,
in front of my kids, I'll do five, six minutes.
Not good stuff. It's a lot of "where you from?" You know.
But, you know, all kidding aside,
I know you're in a terrible situation,
but even with that, you look so much better than him.
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
(SINGING) The Kingdom of Heaven is, is in your hands
I don't expect for you to awake from your dreams
We watched your last movie on video.
A man who is funny doesn't have to work blue.
You don't... You don't have to do trash to be funny.
I'll tell you who was a great comedian.
Please say me. Who?
Jackie Gleason.
Yeah, of course.
You like him 'cause you look like Art Carney.
(ALL LAUGH)
Gleason was terrific. And you ain't so bad.
All right. Thank you, Pop. I know.
(SINGING) It's real
It's real love, oh, yeah
(lNAUDlBLE)
It's real love, yeah
It's real love It's real
I think I played it all wrong, lra.
(SlGHS)
I played it all wrong.
Okay. He's here. We saw each other. Let me answer it. Mark.
Stop. Let me answer it. Mark, man.
Move, bitch!
Hey, George Simmons. Hey.
Hey, what's up?
Happy Thanksgiving. Hey!
Mark. Leo is the name I got.
How are you? Yeah, yeah. Yo Teach...!
That's right! Yeah, right.
Oh, boy.
That movie's the best 'cause you're a man then you're a baby
and then you learn to be a man once you be... You need...
It takes becoming a baby to learn how to become a man.
Yeah. Can we get you a drink or some food?
No, no, no. Let me just walk around and go through your shit.
(LAUGHS)
Hey, I'm Bo.
What's up, Bo? I'm an actor, so...
Oh, good, good, good, good, good, good.
GEORGE: I've seen your act a lot.
Really? Where?
Schmira, he has that... What's that, the YouTubey thing that, that...
DAlSY: The YouTube. GEORGE: Yeah.
George and Daisy are here? How the hell did that happen?
I didn't think George would come, and who invited Daisy?
I invited her.
Are you still sleeping with Daisy?
No, I'm not sleeping with Daisy!
I have a new girlfriend now. I'm dating the girl who plays Mrs. Pruitt.
Her name's Carla something.
Can I sit next to George at dinner?
Sit wherever the hell you want to sit, man, why?
I feel like if I can just make George crack up once,
it'll do huge things for me, like...
What, you wrote jokes for Thanksgiving?
I didn't write jokes.
I just wrote down my funniest anecdotes
and punched them up here and there.
Okay, I can't hide in the kitchen all afternoon. I'm going.
My man. The Schmira.
Thanks for coming, man.
This is the best. Where's your bedroom?
Well, get ready for a hike, 'cause you're standing in it.
No. It's... Yeah, it's pretty lame.
Did you go to that Wilco show?
Yeah, did you?
(LAUGHS) No, actually, I didn't. I scalped the tickets.
I made 100 bucks profit, so...
Oh. So, you owe me 50.
Okay, I guess I do. Rain check, okay?
Money order.
Money order? That'll work. Yeah.
PayPal? Are you on PayPal? Yeah, PayPal it up.
Look at that, back and forth, like a cute couple.
You're like Marc Anthony and J. Lo.
You know, we actually had a date, but then I had sex with that guy,
so Schmira broke it off.
GEORGE: You kidding me?
Don't worry, lra. You know you're a better lover than Pete Rose over there.
Look at him. He's got the length and the width.
Imagine that dong of his.
I saw the tip of it one time. Even that was too big for me.
No, it's very normal. Yeah.
So, you like big penises?
Well, you know, I have a really skinny vagina, so...
If it's skinny, you should try feeding it carbs.
(LAUGHlNG)
Yeah. All right, well, jeez, you know what?
I'm gonna leave you two alone, huh?
Yeah, okay.
I'm falling in love with the both of you.
Let the awkwardness begin!
MAN: Love your work.
GEORGE: Yeah? Thank you for shopping at Ralphs.
I'm sorry. I owe you an apology. It's really weird what I did.
I basically yelled at you for cheating on me before we had even had a real conversation.
So, I'm aware of that. I know that's weird, and I'm sorry.
Well, it's not as weird as getting drunk
and having sex with the guy from Yo Teach...! So...
It's okay. When I first moved here, I blew Mr. Belvedere.
(LAUGHS) So, everyone does that.
He's walking. George is walking to us.
Hello, ladies.
So, Leo? What's the excuse for not writing me jokes?
What? You could have made money.
I told both you guys to write jokes for me, and you decided not to.
What, did you have to go to LensCrafters that day?
I was just joking. I like your glasses.
He wanted both of us to write jokes for him, and you didn't tell me?
I apologize. It's not worth, like, losing your shit over, man.
What, you don't think I like money?
You don't think I like private jets?
You don't think I want a cool job writing for George Simmons?
I just think you're doing well.
You know, you're getting gigs at the lmprov all the time.
You're gonna have people writing for you.
You don't need to be writing for other people, you know.
I know, I'm just... I'm sorry, I just...
I wanted something for myself and I just, you know...
It's just, you know, fuck you, lra!
Just 'cause you go into faggy-apology mode
doesn't mean I'm gonna forgive you right away!
Fuck you, man. Look, I did the exact same thing you've been doing this whole time.
You're being competitive. You do that all the time.
I'm doing it now, okay?
I didn't make it competitive! Yes, you did.
Have you ever had to work for money? No.
You didn't work at a coal mine, lra!
You worked at a deli! Stop crying about it!
I was only supposed to be on that pull-out couch for six months!
And we were supposed to trade! And we never did!
Yeah, we never did switch after six months.
Yeah. Exactly.
You know why? 'Cause I pay rent, lra!
You don't pay rent. Your parents pay rent!
Why don't they move in? It's your fault.
Hey, hey, hey. Pilgrims, lndians, can we please stop fighting?
It's Thanksgiving. We have guests inside. Please stop.
I'm not fighting anymore. I'm done fighting.
Thank you. LEO: You called Daisy a starfucker?
Why don't you go cup George Simmons' balls
while you talk him to sleep every night, lra?
Leo.
Sorry.
I would let you do that, too. My balls are for everybody.
Okay. It's starting to feel like Thanksgiving around here.
Let's eat some food.
I can't believe you screwed Daisy, man.
What?
So, does anybody want to say grace or anything?
Leo's a good writer, apparently. Come on, get up there.
Yeah, Leo.
MAN: Leo! Do it, Leo.
I'm okay, I'm okay.
All right, let me go. I'll do it for us.
Let me get it done.
Okay, so first let's give thanks to our families not being here.
(ALL AGREElNG)
It's always easier, always easier without the family.
It's funny, I see you guys and you are just so much younger than me.
And I had no idea I was the old guy until I looked at you guys.
It was like when I was growing up, I had a big nose.
I had no idea until I went to the Gap and saw a three-way mirror,
and I was like, "Wow, I didn't know I had that thing."
(ALL LAUGH)
Yeah. No, it's a... It's good to be young.
It kind of sucks being old, so just enjoy this.
Enjoy time. Time slips away, I promise you.
I had a dinner like this 20 years ago
with guys that we just, like, lost touch with each other.
I never talk to them anymore. Some of them are dead.
So, yeah, you don't... Things slip away.
If you love somebody, don't let them slip away.
I swear to you,
this will be your most memorable Thanksgiving,
the one that you'll want the rest of your life, the one that you say,
"Man, it was never as good as that night."
So, let this night be great. Enjoy the taste of Leo's balls.
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
Rock 'n' roll!
Jesus, every time I'm near you I feel like fucking Danny DeVito.
Everybody feels like Danny DeVito when, you know, they walk by me.
Yeah. You're a giant.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah.
Um...
I don't want to get your hopes up.
Mmm-hmm.
We put you on this experimental medication without much optimism.
About 8% of all the people that we put on this medication get positive results.
Mmm-hmm.
You actually belong to these 8%.
I looked through your blood work,
and I couldn't find any traces of the disease.
I don't want to speak too soon,
but we may have beaten this thing.
Are you fucking with me 'cause I fucked with you?
So, that's the good news, Mr. Bond.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
So, this is, this is... This is good news.
Like my accent now?
Now I like your accent, yeah.
I was excited all morning to tell you this news.
So, what happens now? What do l... What do I do now?
Maybe you can make another funny movie that I could laugh about.
Yeah. Wow. I wasn't expecting this to really work.
I was getting used to being sick.
I was actually thinking I was pretty good at that.
Get back to your life.
(PHONE RINGING)
IRA: Hey, this is Ira. I'm not in. Leave a message.
(PHONE BEEPS)
(SlNGSONGY) lra, I have a secret to tell you. It will make you happy.
Hi. Bonita?
George.
I was sick, you know that. And I just went to the doctor's.
He said I'm not sick anymore.
Oh, congratulations.
I found the pants you're looking for. They are in the closet.
Thank you.
Bye, George.
George! Is it true?
It's true. Yes!
It's all right. All right, go ahead. Yeah!
All right.
(LAUGHlNG) Oh, God! Yeah!
All right, baby.
All right, all right. Now what the fuck do we do?
Hey, congratulations, George. That's awesome, man.
Thank you. You got cured of AlDS.
(LAUGHS) I didn't have AlDS.
Hey, let me get you a cocktail.
Hey, not an AlDS cocktail. A regular.
No, I don't want a drink. I'm good.
I'm gonna get one of them ribbons.
You're alive? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Unbelievable! This guy. This guy, man.
You got the women, you got the fame, and you can't fucking die!
Did you suck the devil's dick? What is it, man?
I wanna know the secret.
I actually told a bunch of people we did have sex,
so if you could go along with that.
You did? Yes.
Everybody wants to fuck me, but it's better that I don't
because you don't want...
The mystery is definitely more flattering...
Yeah?
...and the reality is so, like, flobbety.
Like not the word, but... Floppety? Yeah, lippety.
Yeah, I look like this. Like a sandwich.
Like a... There's, like, meat coming.
(CHUCKLlNG)
That would have been... I could get...
(EXCLAlMlNG) Look at that!
"Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!"
Shit! Shit! I didn't know you had energy like that. Jesus...
How did he... Like, how did he know he had it?
He was saying... He said that he was, like, dizzy and tired and he went to the doctor,
and then he just got... It was in his blood work.
That sucks 'cause I get dizzy and tired.
Really?
Anybody... Anybody gets sick, I think I'm going to get it.
Now, is it contagious? It's not contagious?
No. Can you get it, like...
I hope not. I don't think so. I've been around him a lot. I feel...
I feel... I hope not, too, because
when you were talking, a little bit of your spit hit my lip, so...
It did? Yeah. Not that you got it,
but he spits on your lip, you spit on mine, next thing you know
I'm dead and my wife's fucking George Lopez.
But I think the best thing for you would be, you know...
The best cure, besides the real cure,
is to get back to work and do what you do.
There are stacks of offers on my desk for you.
I mean, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting an offer for you.
Oh, good. Yeah, you ready for this?
Paul Rudd wants to do a bromance with you.
I think I might... I just might even not work for a little while.
I was thinking maybe just, like, taking time off,
try to get myself in a relationship with, like,
another human being, a normal one.
Just see if I can handle that.
Funny you should say that. I've... 'Cause I invited someone.
Brought... Invited this woman here today that I think you'd really like.
I think you'd really hit it off with her.
She's... She's great. She's something new for you.
A real person. She's not a waitress.
She's not an actress.
All right, thanks.
You know, the lnternet dating thing actually... Actually kind of works.
That's good.
I've actually been on a couple of JDates.
No way. What's that?
Yeah... What's a JDate?
What, is that an lnternet thing I should know about?
I'm not... I don't do that shit.
It's a website where Jewish people can find each other.
Really? A whole list of Jewish people? Yeah.
I didn't think Jewish people liked to be on lists.
Because of the Holocaust.
Wow.
How's this going, by the way?
It's been great to meet you.
You know what? I think you fucked up.
How's that?
I think you fucked up. I think...
(SlGHS)
I don't think you should have took that medicine.
Why not?
I don't know. Personally, I think you should have just let yourself die.
Honestly, man, what are... What are you gonna do now?
Make another bullshit movie?
Fuck another chick who doesn't like you?
You know? That was your way out right there.
Hmm. Now you're fucking stuck.
Yeah.
You're stuck just like me.
Can't go to fucking Chuck E. Cheese.
I can't go to Target, I can't go to Best Buy.
I can't go to fucking Wal-Mart, Kmart.
You fucking name it, I can't go there.
Yeah, that's true.
Everyone in this fucking room is either staring at us,
wanting to take a fucking picture. Mmm-hmm.
Yeah. Got it.
E-mail that to me.
I will. That's awesome. Yeah.
Who the fuck is that guy right there? That fucking guy right there.
What? Ray Romano's bothering you?
Who? Ray, Ray who?
Ray Romano, the guy from Everybody Loves Raymond.
I don't give a fuck what show he's on.
I'll fuck this motherfucker up, man!
Hey. Hey, Ray!
Hello, Marshall.
Fucking problem here, buddy?
Would you like to fuck me? Is that what this is?
I don't get it, man. What's going on?
Would you like me to fucking bend over for you right now?
(WHlSPERlNG) Say no. No, man.
(EXHALES)
I just gotta always be on my toes, man.
You know?
(SCOFFS) I see that, but not with Ray Romano.
This is why I don't go out of the house.
I thought everybody loved you.
So, now that you got this, this second chance, man, like, what do you want?
I kind of don't want anything.
So, then what are we celebrating?
Clarke?
(IMITATING PIRATE) Yes, it's Clarke.
It's Clarke and l... I'm calling to check on you, matey.
(LAUGHING)
Yeah.
I'm back from the sea. It's fun to play with my didjeridu!
(lMlTATlNG PlRATE) You sound a little bit like a pirate.
Do I sound Australian? Is this what Clarke sounds like?
That's a terrible Australian accent.
What are you doing, Laura?
Am I bothering you? Is he there? No, no, no, no, no.
Am I supposed to hang up? What's going on?
Clarke's away for business in China.
Ah! Sent him out for egg rolls again?
Are you guys all right? What's going on?
Mable has her recital tomorrow.
She's singing Memory from Cats.
Oh, yeah?
You know that song, Memory?
Yeah. I wish I could be there to see that.
You can come.
I can come? All right, I'm coming.
Your daughter will be all right with that?
That I'm sitting right next to you holding you tight?
Stop. How are you feeling?
I'm doing good. I'm doing...
It is what it is. I...
So, what happened with your tests?
Laura, let's not talk about all that.
What did the doctor say?
The Swedish Nazi? He never has good news.
It is what it is. I don't want to talk about it.
Come on, let's just talk about you.
What are you doing, Laura?
Do you want me to talk you to sleep?
Oh, my God. You remember.
You want me to do that for you?
You will talk to me while I try to go to sleep?
I'll put you on speakerphone. That will be the best night of my life.
Let's not go to sleep yet, though, please. Just talk to Laura.
IRA: Hello?
Hi, lra.
Hey, how's it going?
Ira, you're my best friend.
(LAUGHS) I like you, too.
You're my best friend.
You sound like you're in a good mood, man.
(lMlTATlNG PlRATE) I'm in a great mood because we're setting sail today.
We're gonna do a gig together!
Ira and Georgie, finally on the road!
Oh, we're setting sail, are we? Where, where are we going?
We're going to the Port of San Francisco. We set sail on the morrow.
How much time am I supposed to do?
Oh, they've booked you to do a minute for every inch of cock you have.
You'll be doing two and a half to four minutes,
depending on your mood, little Ira.
I was invited to a... Or I was able to go to a fundraiser
for Barack Obama, when he was running for president.
And you could walk right up to him and I did.
And I prepared a smart question and I was like,
"Senator Obama, when you were a student in Boston, did you encounter any racism?"
And he said something really, really interesting. He said...
He said, "I'm Kanye West. "
(AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)
George, you have a visitor.
GEORGE: Oh.
Hi. Whoa!
LAURA: Hello. Wow.
Hey, hi! Hey!
All right. How are you?
LAURA: I'm good.
I'm so psyched you came.
Wow, you look amazing! Thank you.
Beautiful. I think I overdressed.
No way. You look incredible.
I just...
Where... Where is he? Where is the Clarke?
The Clarke? He's out of town. I was gonna bring my friend Betsy with me,
but her son started throwing up, so...
The husband's out of town, baby's vomiting. Rock 'n' roll.
(LAUGHlNG) I like it. Yeah. Yeah.
Anyway, I don't want to keep you
or get in the way.
No, don't run away. Come on, lra, say hello.
Hey, lra.
Hey, how's it going?
So, I'll let you go. I just wanted to say hi.
No cursing. Don't curse so much.
Okay, all right! Nothing dirty. I don't know how.
You just cut my set in half, but that's fine. All right, see you, kid.
Okay, good luck.
Thanks for coming.
You gotta tell her I'm better at intermission, all right?
You haven't told her that you're better?
No, I'm not good at stuff like that.
Just... She'll be cool with it. She'll be...
You're giving her good news, she'll be happy.
We're gonna go by her house tomorrow, too.
(SlGHS)
Yeah, we're just visiting her. I just want to say hi,
see how she's doing, where she lives, that kind of thing.
Why did you guys break up in the first place?
I cheated on her.
Why would you cheat on her?
It's easy not to cheat when no one wants to fuck you, you judgmental prick.
Okay.
I have a theory that Tom Cruise, David Beckham and Will Smith
have mooshed the heads of their penises together.
(AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)
I think that this has happened.
I don't think it happened in a gay way.
I think it just happened out of boredom.
I think just rich-dude boredom.
Just like, "What have we not done, guys? We've done everything!"
"I'll tell you one thing we haven't done. "
And I bet when it happened, it was an epic occurrence. It was huge.
I think of it all the time.
I think first, you know, David and Tom touched dick heads.
And it was easy, just zoonk. Because there was a magnetic field to it.
And then Will Smith started approaching with his dick
and, like, wind started blowing in his face,
and paper started flying everywhere and he just couldn't do it.
And they're like, "Come on, Will, get it in there!"
"I can't do it!"
Beckham yells,
(IN BRITISH ACCENT) "Don't cross the streams! It's like Ghost Busters!"
And then he does it and Flash by Queen starts playing.
It's just, Flash! Ahhh!
Light shoots into the sky! That's how stars are born, I think.
Anyway, I'm Ira Wright. Have a good night. Thank you, all, very much.
IRA: Hey. How's it going?
That was so good!
You seem so surprised.
Well, you looked so nervous before.
I was, actually.
That was good. That was really good.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
And the ball cleavage thing, that was hilarious.
Classic stuff. Thank you. Glad you're having fun.
George says that he's known you for a while. How did...
Yeah. How did you guys first hook up?
I was the hat-check girl at the lmprov and I was an actress.
So, you kind of... Yeah, yeah.
That's good. What, were you in anything I might've seen?
I did those, like, Melrose Place and 90210.
Awesome.
I always played the bitch.
I wasn't that good, actually.
No, you must be a great actress,
'cause you're not at all bitchy, so...
(LAUGHS)
Thanks, lra.
Okay, look, I'm not... Honestly, I'm not supposed to be telling you
what I'm about to tell you because George... He doesn't want to jinx it.
It's not 100%, but the last time that he went to the doctor,
they couldn't find any trace of the disease in his blood work anymore,
so it seems like he might be better.
What are you talking about?
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen...
We think he might be okay.
...George Simmons!
(AUDlENCE CHEERlNG)
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Yeah.
It's great to be here.
It's great. It's great to be alive!
Yeah, man. Thank you. Right on. Okay.
MAN: Thank you for coming, George!
Thank you. All right.
That's very nice. Man, oh, man.
Any other 40-year-olds out there tonight? In their 40s?
It's funny. In your 20s you're like,
"Fuck you, man. Fuck that shit.
"Fuck my parents. I don't need none of that shit. "
In your 30s you're like, "Fuck the President.
"Fuck that guy, that fucking asshole. "
In your 40s you're like, "I'm hungry.
(AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)
"What do we have in the fridge?"
So, yeah, I'm fucking famous and rich, and it's crazy.
It's... You know why? 'Cause I hate rich people.
Fucking I'm rich and I hate rich people.
I hate everything I fucking do now.
I go to Hawaii, I'm like,
"You fucking snotty cocksucker, going to Hawaii. "
Buy a new car, "La-di-da, look who's got a new car. "
You know, I thought about giving all my money, just giving it away,
but then I was like, "What a rich-guy thing to do.
"Mr. Charitable. "
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
Well, why didn't you tell me? I was just here.
Laura, if I told you, you might not have talked to me anymore, so l...
What are you talking about? That's ridiculous.
I knew you forgave me because I was sick
and there was no other way you would forgive me.
I know, but it's different now.
We've been talking... What are you... No!
Really?
This is... So, what are you... So, did the...
The doctor said I'm good. I'm better for now.
I don't know what the hell's gonna happen,
but for now the guy said I'm good.
(SlGHS)
I'm so happy.
You are happy?
Mmm-hmm. God, thank you. Thank you.
All right. Yeah.
(SlGHS)
You okay, man?
Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
(EXHALES)
I hope they got some food.
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)
Hey, hey.
Hi! Hi.
I'm so glad you guys came. Hello. Hi.
Good to see you. Wow. Hi. How's it going?
Hello, lra.
Oh! Thank you.
Jeez. Beautiful house!
Thank you.
How long have you guys been here?
We've been here about five years now.
(SNARLS)
What's up?
This is my friend, George. And this is lra.
This is lngrid.
Wow! George didn't mention you had a daughter.
GEORGE: Have you seen any of my movies?
I saw the movie where you had a baby body.
So, you saw Re-Do. Can you do the face?
(BOTH BABBLlNG)
GEORGE: Hey, that's a good impression.
Don't leave me in the playroom!
This is my daughter, Mable. She just got braces.
Oh, yeah? Let me see them.
You mind if I eat a little bit of that sandwich right there?
Ira? I'm... I'm full.
Do you guys want to play the peanut-butter game?
It's fun. You want to play?
Let's do it! Ira?
Yeah, I like peanut butter, yeah.
Let's do the peanut-butter game!
All right! Hooray!
Peanut-butter game! Peanut-butter game!
Okay, just put a little bit.
MABLE: Okay. GEORGE: What's she doing?
A little bit.
(LAUGHlNG)
Okay, okay. I think that's good.
This is what you guys do in your free time? Okay.
MABLE: There he is! GEORGE: Oh, boy.
LAURA: Come on.
(LAUGHlNG)
GEORGE: He got her. He got her.
(EXCLAlMlNG)
Oh, so, you're supposed to do it on the ears.
LAURA: George's turn! Yeah! George's turn!
No. I don't want to do that.
LAURA: Yeah, George's turn! No, lra will go. Let lra go.
No, no, George.
Come on. Okay, all right!
I just washed my hair this morning.
BOTH: George! George! George! George!
(ALL EXCLAlMlNG)
Oh, God!
No!
Just not the...
Look at this.
GEORGE: That's not the game!
(ALL CHEERlNG)
And we have a pond with a Buddha and...
Wow!
(BOTH EXCLAlMlNG)
Does that hurt?
So, what... Who is a good... You're a good guy, you're a bad guy?
(EXCLAlMlNG)
Now I go.
And now I go.
You can't move. You're stuck.
Ira. IRA: Hey.
Hey, Laura asked if we want to eat dinner here tonight.
Oh. Thank you. What... We...
It's like an eight-hour drive back.
We won't get home till like 5:00 in the morning that way.
GEORGE: We'll figure something out.
So, we're gonna go to the grocery store and get some food so I can cook.
Home-cooked meal. Perfect.
Okay. So, you're okay to watch the girls?
Yeah, definitely. I'm good with kids.
I was a... I was a Jewish summer camp counselor for five years.
(SPEAKlNG HEBREW)
But I'm good with non-Jewish kids, too.
Okay, so we'll be right back. It's around the corner.
GEORGE: Very good.
Should I have worn my jogging shoes? Where are we going?
You sure? You sure you want to do this?
Mmm-hmm.
Wherever my husband is, he's probably doing the same thing.
Mmm-hmm.
Okay.
Jesus.
(SlGHS)
Echo, echo, echo.
(LAUGHlNG)
You know, when I broke up with you,
I tried to find somebody who was the exact opposite of you.
But Clarke is exactly like you.
It's like I'm programmed to find the same person,
Iike there's some lesson I'm supposed to learn from it all.
How many times did you cheat on me?
I don't want to paint a picture.
I was young and stupid, but I changed, I swear to God.
How exactly have you changed?
I got a peek at something most people only get to see once.
You know, I went to a psychic who told me that...
That you and I would get back together when we were 70.
And she also said not to eat any chicken.
Well, we couldn't wait.
Mmm-hmm.
You loved me before anybody loved me.
I know.
This is the only place that I ever wanted to be.
When is George gonna die?
George is gonna die?
No. Why would you guys say that?
I heard my mom talking to her friend on the phone, and she was crying.
I don't want George to die.
Why do you care? You just met him.
Shut up.
You shut up! Okay, okay, guys, guys, guys.
George is not gonna die.
George, he was sick, but he went to the doctor
and they gave him different types of medicine
until they found one that worked.
And now he's gonna be just fine.
He's gonna live a really, really long time.
I think my mommy loves him.
Well, you know, we all love him.
He's made a lot of great movies.
I think she loves him, like, loves him.
INGRlD: Love. Love, love, love.
(SlNGlNG) Love, love, love They're gonna have a baby
They're gonna have a baby Baby, marriage, love
They're gonna have a little MerMan baby.
You saved my acting reel? I was wondering where this was.
Why didn't you give this to me?
'Cause I was watching it.
You know, I always get the feeling that you think I'm stupid or something.
LAURA: Look at my hair! I look like a leprechaun.
No.
LAURA ON TV: I am stupid.
Ooh! Is my voice still that high?
No! No, no, no, no. No, but they need you back in Munchkinville.
(LAUGHS) They miss the mayor.
LAURA: Shut up!
That was the best time in my life.
I got something else for you. You might remember these.
(GASPS) Please tell me you do!
Are these my favorite butt jeans?
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Really?
Yeah, you can have them back.
I'm so excited! Yeah.
Do you think they still fit me?
I guarantee it.
I'm so happy!
I guarantee it. Get in those.
These used to kill me. Oh, my God, they're so faded.
Oh, shit!
They fit!
They look good! Really?
Yeah, that's the same ass!
Fucking ass is perfect. Minus that camel coming out the back.
(SlNGlNG) Bump and groove it
To the left now To the right, y'all
Slap that shit!
(BEATBOXlNG)
Look at that! They're like Mom jeans.
Oh, yes. If Mom needed to get banged again.
Thank you.
Yeah, get over here.
Don't leave me. Don't leave me.
Oh! Hey, guys, what took you so long?
We were checking out the town, man. Beautiful!
Where are the groceries?
We decided that eating in might be more fun.
(SOFTLY) Oh, no, you didn't.
How could you do that, man? No.
I didn't do anything, lra.
No, I know you did it. I know you did.
All that's missing is your Popsicle. Come on.
Ira, are you cranky right now?
Do you need food in your belly?
No.
Come on, we're gonna order in a pizza.
(CARTOONISHLY) Of course, Mr. Peters.
I'll be at the...
(COUGHS)
Lunch meeting.
You're serving seafood?
(WHIMPERING)
I love seafood!
Okay, see you there!
Pizza's here! Yeah.
I'll be right back. Yes.
I'm the pizza monster!
(EXCLAlMlNG)
Hi, honey!
Clarke. Hi, sweetie.
Hi. What are you doing here?
Decided to surprise you.
The guy I was meant to have the meeting with had a heart attack
while I was waiting in reception for him.
It was unbelievable. Wow.
Next minute, this Chinese George Clooney guy
comes running past with, like, the...
What's it called? A defibrillator?
Starts zapping him. Right. Yeah, I've seen it.
It was like an episode of ER, but with Chinamen.
I missed you.
I know you.
Yes.
(CLEARS THROAT)
How you doing?
This is George Simmons.
He had a big comedy concert last night.
Oh, okay.
And so, I asked him to pop by and come visit.
Hope that's good. I...
I love the stand-up comedy.
Yeah, yeah. How'd it go?
They didn't... They didn't boo me off the stage, so that was a plus.
Yeah, they're a bunch of bloody cheese eaters up here.
Yeah. No, they were very nice. Yeah.
You have a... You have a very nice family, man,
and a great, great home.
Thank you.
Well, it's good to have you home.
The kids are dying to see you if...
Ira's hungry for...
G'day. Clarke.
Good day, I'm lra.
Your husband's here. LAURA: Yeah. Yep.
Ira is George's opening act. He's really funny.
Really? He looks funny!
Thank you.
How'd you go last night?
You know, they didn't boo me off or anything, so...
(SOFTLY) I just said that one.
It was great. Yeah.
They just popped by, I gave them a tour of the house.
We were gonna have dinner, but it's not...
It's probably better that we do family dinner
since you're only in town a few days.
No, stay. That's a great idea.
The more the merrier.
Okay. Let's do that.
Thank you. LAURA: Great.
I'm gonna go say hi to the kids.
Okay. Okay.
(LAUGHS) That's hilarious.
You can't tell him that you're better, okay?
He'll know that something happened between us.
I won't. Okay?
'Cause I've been married for 12 years now and I have kids.
And I can't just throw it away this second, okay?
Hey, we'll be fine. I'm a good actor. You're a great actress.
Right. He hated you until he found out that you were sick.
And if he knows that you were here and that you're feeling better, he's gonna know.
So, don't say anything.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
Of course. Sure. I'll do that.
People never thought China would do that much business with the US,
but I never saw it as a big deal. You look at it like this.
You've got a billion people.
We make all kinds of cool shit.
They find out about the cool shit, like, on the lnternet and stuff.
And they're gonna want the cool shit.
Cool shit's universal.
China's been good, but I'm trying to get into North Korea now.
That's the next... That's, like, the next frontier.
Wow. Wow. North Korea? North Korea.
Those people would blow you for a Wii Fit.
GEORGE: There you go.
This is really good pizza.
You know, they say, like, New York has the best pizza
and I always thought pizza in LA was only okay,
but who would have thought, you know,
Marin County is where they were really hiding the good pizza pies.
(lRA SPEAKlNG lTALlAN)
Clarke speaks fluent Chinese.
Really? Do you speak Cantonese or Mandarin?
Oh, well played, lra. Mandarin.
Well gayed, lra.
It's a bloody hard language, though, George. Jesus.
(SPEAKlNG MANDARlN)
(BOTH SPEAKlNG MANDARlN)
(REPEATlNG)
That was like a scene from Deer Hunter.
(BOTH SPEAKlNG VlETNAMESE)
Girls, you can go and watch TV.
Go on. Whatever you want to watch.
So, George, how's the fight going, mate?
How is it?
Clarke. This is not something that he wants to talk about right now.
He has to think about it every day of his life.
And he's taking a break from it right now.
(CRYlNG) It's such a shame that somebody who has brought so much joy
to so many people has to go through this.
Shit. Shit.
I'm sorry, mate.
Laura. Laura. We don't need to speak in code.
I'm sick. I think about it all the time.
CLARKE: Mate, I don't know how you do it.
I would be crying in my panties if I was you.
I worship guys like you, that attitude.
Have you considered Eastern medicine?
Well, I don't know if this is considered Eastern medicine,
but I've been eating a lot of rhino cock.
If Clarke thinks it's the right thing to do, let me chew some.
For the last time, stop calling me Rhino.
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
George Simmons in my house!
Clarke took an herb once, and he had heart palpitations and diarrhea.
No, it's true. I shit myself, mate,
and I had a boner at the same time.
(LAUGHlNG)
I want to take an herb that makes me as good-looking as you.
Jesus Christ!
If I were you I'd be at home all day fucking myself.
CLARKE: That's what I do!
(GEORGE LAUGHlNG)
All right! All right! We're cooking.
He's really funny. Mmm-hmm.
I don't know why his movies aren't funny, though.
That's weird, isn't it? Mmm-hmm.
He should put some of that on the silver screen.
So, just one drink, okay?
This isn't someone I want to spend a lot of time with.
This? This is the Australian me?
I'm so much better than this fucking idiot.
He seems like the nicest guy, ever.
He's trying to cure you with herbs for God's sakes.
I can't leave her alone here. I have to save her.
Save her from her beautiful house and lovely husband
and delightful kids?
Her husband's a skipping, cheating psycho.
You said nothing was going on between you two.
The dog could tell that you banged her.
And I'm getting nauseous and sweaty. I can't...
Get away from me! Get away from me! Go play with the kids.
(AUDIENCE ON TV LAUGHING)
WOMAN: Tim, are you asking me out on a date?
Would you like it to be a date?
Hey, bro, so your doctor called
and he said it is contagious, but only when inflamed, so you're cool.
(SCOFFS)
Also, I was trying to do the laundry,
but I think I need to get some industrial-strength detergent.
What's up with all the skid marks, Dale Earnhardt, Jr.?
Wow, I think I have a class.
You guys like this show?
BOTH: No!
It's the worst show, ever.
Good.
Here you go. We're finished with the French shit.
We're into espanola!
All right.
China, man. Wow.
And you guys never see each other, huh? That must be rough.
Right? Rough on the kids.
It's not ideal, but the kids like to eat, so...
(LAUGHS)
You ever see this girl act before? She was quite the actress.
Well, she's very good at pretending she still loves me,
so she's pretty good then, isn't she?
(CHUCKLES) Yeah. I am.
Can't say I watched much of that Melrose Place stuff, though.
Although I did see the Party of Five episode you were in.
It wasn't really for me, you know.
Well, it was down to me and Cameron Diaz for the lead part in The Mask.
Cameron Diaz! That's my girl.
She's a bloody top actress, isn't she?
Hey, what was that film she was in with the bloody spuff in her hair?
Something About Mary!
(EXCLAlMlNG)
I love that movie! She's so funny!
Just about shit my panties in that one.
No, no, no, there's not too many girls
that are this beautiful and sexy and funny and...
She had the whole deal.
Yes, but Cameron Diaz, fuck! I mean, come on.
See, if you had've done that movie,
you could have had the bloody spuff in your hair.
Look out.
CLARKE: What are you giving me the evil eyes for?
You're such a dick sometimes.
I'm not... Why?
Because.
CLARKE: I'm just saying you had your crack, you had your go at it.
I feel like I didn't reach my potential that...
Oh, please!
Oh, please, what?
I didn't reach my potential, either!
I could have been playing footie!
You weren't that good
at playing footie. I was.
LAURA: You weren't.
You should thank me, George. I took a bullet here for you.
All right, on that note, I'm gonna head back to Los Angeles.
No, come on, stay.
No, it's fine. I'll split.
It's early. I've been here too long.
Schmira! We just started a bottle.
Nah, nah, nah. You guys have been the best. Schmira!
Thank you so much for having us, guys. Oh!
Shoot. CLARKE: Uh-oh! Look out.
God, I'm sorry, guys.
CLARKE: Someone's had too much to drink.
Oh, man, no. No, I just kicked your pot by accident, that's all. I...
Hold it together there, Schmira. I'm just a... Oh, God.
It's okay.
You're staying here. You're not driving.
No way. We got a guest house, two spare beds. Done.
You two, plenty of room to stay. No, no. Ira can drive.
He... You're fine to drive, right, lra?
I am. I just kicked your begonias, that's all.
No way! I'm not having America's favorite funnyman dead on the side of the road
'cause Schmira here's had too much to drink.
George, you can drive, right?
Bullshit! You're staying here.
Plus, there's a game of Aussie-rules footie on the dish tonight.
Semi-final. Saints versus Maggies.
Not that American shit. I want you to see it.
One condition. You Aussie pussies got any beer around here?
Yes, it's on...
(WHOOPS)
Yes!
Yeah, it doesn't matter if you're a small fucker or a big fucker,
you can play this game because the small fuckers go in barreling
and they can get the ball over and the boys are scrambling.
Now watch. The little fuckers down there go.
There they are. Big fuckers smack them.
Little fucker. Little fucker. Off to a big fucker.
Now he's gonna go down to another big fucker. I hate that big fucker.
Where are the black guys?
CLARKE: This is... There's a couple out there.
I hate this team. Oh, yeah?
Magpies. Hate the Maggies!
They're like... I don't know what the equivalent in the NFL...
No helmets. No fucking helmets 'cause they're real men. See?
Love you. Just explaining the game to them. They're loving it!
(MOUTHlNG)
Yeah, we gotta get going, you know.
Are you sure you can't stay?
We can't stay. We can't stay.
Yeah, it's my... It's my grandmother's 85th birthday.
We got family coming in from all over.
GEORGE: That's right.
She just had a stroke. In her leg.
So, you know, we gotta get back.
Yeah.
That's too bad you guys can't stay.
It is too bad.
Well, I wish I could say I was gonna see you again, George,
but I can't really say that, can l?
Yeah, yeah, I guess you can't.
You don't have to do that, honey.
No, I do have to do this, honey. I do.
You know what, mate?
If there's one thing I've learned from my Buddhist friends, the Chinese,
is to keep an open heart and to speak the truth.
So, what I want to say to you, George, is thank you.
Thank you for playing such a big role in my wife's life.
It's been great getting to know you.
And I wish you a peaceful journey from here on in and over to the other side.
Come here, mate.
Okay, we're gonna do this.
Thank you. Thank you for everything.
All right.
Thank you.
All right, I appreciate your having us.
Don't worry, Daddy. He's not sick anymore.
Ira told us.
I didn't say that.
Yes, you did. Yeah, you did.
When we were coloring. IRA: No.
Yeah. Yeah.
IRA: That's not true, girls.
No, that's not true. IRA: I did not say that.
I don't know what they're talking about.
Liar.
Liar, liar, pants on fire.
They were freaking out. They were worried about George.
I just said it so they wouldn't be scared. It was just...
Kids, go inside.
Can we watch Borat? Yeah, you can.
INGRlD: I don't wanna watch Borat. Yes, you... Come on.
See you guys.
What is going on around here? Is that true?
I never said that he was feeling better.
He just took some medicine and it's looking good for him
because they can't detect it in his blood,
but that doesn't mean that he's better.
These things are very tricky
and he didn't want to tell anybody because he didn't want to jinx it!
Is that true that you didn't want to jinx it?
Yeah. No, no, no, l... Yeah, I'm very superstitious.
Mmm-hmm.
You're a terrible liar.
(lMlTATlNG AUSTRALlAN ACCENT) No, nothing's going on around here!
It's completely innocent.
I left me ring... What accent is that?
...on the side table. Jamaican?
Don't mock me. I don't appreciate it.
Lots of people go to massage parlors.
That doesn't mean I was getting a rub-and-tug.
Those hairs on me jacket must've fallen off the waiter's pussy.
What the hell has gotten into you?
I was at a footie game!
Are you taking the piss out of me?
I would never lie to you, mate. Oi?
I'm not playing this game with you.
This is stupid. What a stupid game!
Clarke, let's tell each other the truth.
Just come clean with me.
There's nothing to tell.
There's nothing to tell?
There's nothing to tell.
You will never tell me the truth. That is a pussy move!
You know what? I'm not doing this.
I'm not being put on a cross for something I didn't even do!
Enjoy each other!
Go fuck your whores!
"Go fuck your whores"?
So, it's good that he left, and this is a huge relief for me.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I don't need to be in a marriage that is like that, so I'm fine.
I'm not worried about that. I just want you to be okay.
I would be scared if I was you right now.
Are you kidding me?
This is what needed to happen.
I would run away.
No, I'm staying here.
Are you gonna run away?
Where am I running to? Only if you come with me.
I really need you around right now.
Yeah. Yeah.
Can you stay till Monday?
Absolutely.
Can't we just go and, like, come back later, you know?
I mean, if this is meant to be, it'll be.
We don't have to be here right this second.
Can't we just go?
Man, I don't... I see...
Jesus Christ, every instinct in my body is telling me to leave here, too.
Good.
But that's what led me to this shitty life.
I gotta stay here. I gotta do the right thing. I love her.
Right now, her husband is gonna come back and murder us, man!
Did you see his arms? They look like legs!
Shut up. Don't be an idiot.
I'm not being an... Imagine that you are a gigantic Australian man
and someone came into your home and fucked your wife.
You would murder him and then you would make a hat out of his skin
'cause that's what Australians do. Let's go!
Ira, this is deep shit. People get divorced.
They make mistakes, they change their lives.
It's not that big of a deal. She's married to an asshole.
She seems like a crazy actress, man.
I don't know what to tell you, man.
Am I not allowed to be happy or something?
I've been living alone and alone and alone. That's my life.
This is the only girl I've ever loved
and I'm not supposed to do anything about this?
When am I supposed to be happy?
Why does everyone else get to be happy?
Look, George, I'm just gonna tell you this, as a friend.
From where I'm sitting it seems like your happiness
might be coming at the cost of destroying this family.
Okay, let me respond to that, as your friend,
and let you know you're not my friend.
You fucking work for me!
I didn't ask for your advice! You're overstepping your boundaries, man!
Now go get me a fucking Diet Coke!
And remind yourself that's what you do for me!
Now get the fuck out of here!
Fine.
Don't fucking leave! Sit down here! I don't want to be alone.
Okay, fine.
This is Mark.
Hey, Mark, it's lra. How's it going, man?
Not too good. I didn't get the part in the Tobey Maguire movie.
That doesn't matter. I have a problem. I need help, okay?
Where have you been?
I'm in Marin County. Northern California.
(SlGHS) Listen, l... I have to tell you something.
Are you sitting down?
Yeah. Okay.
The other night I went out to drinks
with the producers of my show
and Leo met up with us.
And they were enamored by him and they thought he was really funny.
And they offered him a part on Yo Teach...! and he took it.
I saw the episode. I know that that happened.
You watched it? I watched it.
Did you love it?
Yeah. He was great, right?
It was fine! I have no problem with Leo, okay?
Tell Leo, if he's got a problem,
to stop being a baby and to just get over it!
Why don't you tell Leo yourself?
'Cause Leo's been surveilling this whole conversation.
You dick. LEO : Fucking asshole.
MARK: Leo, get off the phone! Screw you, Leo. Screw you.
Hey, man what have you been up to?
Sucking George Simmons' balls?
That's cool. I've been on Yo Teach...! Iiving it up.
I'm sorry, Leo. Yo Teach...! sucks.
LEO : Go lose some more weight, Ira!
You look fucking weird skinny!
MARK: Leo, calm down!
You know what, lra? I want to put my eyeglasses on your asshole
so it looks like you're blowing me when I'm fucking you in the ass, you jerk!
IRA: That doesn't even make sense!
You're gonna put glasses on my ass? What?
Ira, we will find something for you to do on the show, okay?
Teach can have more than one friend.
Can we talk about this later?
I am in a serious problem. I just need some advice, okay? Please?
Just listen to me for two minutes and tell me what I should do right now, okay?
Will you do that?
All right. If it's serious, I'm sorry. I will listen.
(SlGHS)
Okay. Here's what's happening.
I'm witnessing a slow-moving train wreck,
but if I do something, I will lose my job.
Are you serious?
So, what I don't know, is...
(DISCONNECTS) Screw you.
(SlGHS)
Higher! Higher!
I can't. I... I can't. Yes, you can.
You, you have to go down a little bit then
through the middle. LAURA: Be careful. Don't let him fall on you.
Where do I put my hand?
I spoke to Clarke. He's gonna be at the airport tonight heading back to China.
I'm gonna go tell him that when he comes back
he should find another place to live.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. What...
You... Yeah? Good. Good. Yeah.
You're gonna tell him?
I just don't want him coming back here.
You don't need him. No.
That'll just get you sick.
Good, you gotta tell him. So, when are you doing that?
Tonight? Yeah.
Okay, okay, I'm coming down.
Jump!
I talked to a girlfriend of mine,
and she has somebody who could show us
some houses down in Los Angeles.
And we'll get that whole thing going.
And then I was thinking about taking the kids out of school now,
but we should probably let them finish up because it's December.
And I don't want to mess everything up.
They have to finish the whole year here.
Yeah, that makes sense to me. So, if we just go down
at the beginning of the summer,
Iet them kind of transit. I'm supposed to do
a little two-week tour this summer.
I'm supposed to do it, but I don't need to do it.
No pressure on you. Look at you! There's no pressure on you.
I need to work and I want to get my acting career going again.
Good. Yeah.
She's whupping you, lngrid! Good job there, Lulu.
So, she's gonna go to the airport tonight
and tell Clarke that she wants him to find a new place and...
What do you think of that?
(SlGHS) I don't want to tell you what I think about that
'cause I don't want to get yelled at, George.
(SlGHS) Oh, God.
I'm just nervous about the kids and, like, who's gonna get them
and does he get one and Laura gets one,
or am I gonna have both of them?
'Cause I love the little one, we kind of click.
But the older one is, like, you sense the period's coming soon.
I think she would probably get the kids.
All right, yeah.
I don't think you can have two girls in China.
What are you gonna do now? Look at this crew.
Why so close? Really?
(EXCLAlMS)
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You okay, little girl? You okay?
Oh, man. Are you okay?
Okay. I'm gonna show you Mable singing...
Mom, you make everybody see...
No, Memory from Cats. Come on! It's...
No. I hate that you show it to everyone.
I'll just show them the end part.
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
I'll just show you the ending. Okay.
(SLOW SHOW TUNE PLAYING)
(SINGING) Burnt-out ends of smoky days
The stale cold smell of morning
The streetlamp dies, another night is over
Another day is dawning
Touch me
It's so easy to leave me All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me You'll understand what happiness is
(MOUTHlNG)
Look, a new day has begun
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)
That was unbelievable!
Isn't that good?
That was insane!
That was like just seeing a little person sing an old person's song.
That was hysterical!
I got a friend who takes... He takes a lot of acid.
If he saw that, he would shit himself!
That's not supposed to be funny.
I know, I know, I know. I'm...
No, I think that's why it's funnier.
It was so amazing.
Wasn't that good?
I think I started crying a little bit.
Me, too. I cry every time I see that.
That shit was funny up there.
Okay. Wow, these guys are not gonna take no for an answer.
Yeah. They want me to do another baby movie.
They keep bumping up the gross on the DVDs.
I just... There's no way I'm doing it.
Okay. Bye.
(BOTH WHOOPlNG)
Hey, George.
(EXHALES) Yeah.
I'm going to... I'm gonna go to the store
and grab some cigarettes, okay?
I'll be back soon.
What? What do you need cigarettes for?
'Cause I'm addicted to them.
Why? 'Cause you look like the Fonz when you smoke?
I've always smoked. I just didn't do it in front of you 'cause you were sick.
And now that you're better...
Hurry up, though, man. I'm running out of gas with the kids here.
Okay. I'll hurry up.
(SlNGlNG) Memory, all alone in the moonlight
I can't wait till the morning
(BREATHlNG HEAVlLY)
Are my parents getting a divorce?
Why... Why... Why do you ask that?
Just, like, I can tell. They're always fighting and...
How does that make you feel?
Well, he's already away a lot,
so it doesn't really matter that much, but...
Uh-huh.
That wouldn't be fun.
Maybe it would be better if they were separated.
Mmm-mmm.
No?
That's not good.
Right.
Clarke?
Laura, what are you doing here?
I don't know.
WOMAN ON PA: Mr. Way Chen, you need to get to the information desk. Thank you.
(SPEAKING MANDARIN)
You've reached Ira.
Please leave me a message. Thank you.
(BEEPS)
Where are you? You gotta come back here.
I think I'm getting... I'm getting lonely here.
I need some help. Just, seriously, hurry up.
I don't trust you. Am I imagining things?
You're not imagining anything, honey.
(SlGHS)
Two times. That's all I did was two times.
And I don't want to ruin everything just 'cause of two fucking times.
She couldn't even speak English.
Look at our life. You're driving the kids to school.
You're picking them up. You're like a single mother.
And you're not a single mom. You're my wife. You're my baby.
I shouldn't be in China
trying to sell Oreos to people who don't want to fucking talk to me.
I'm gonna get a normal job. I'm gonna be just around the corner.
It's just gonna be you, me and the kids.
All I want is a fresh start.
Yeah.
(GRUNTlNG) Oh.
Yeah.
The George Simmons thing was just a flirtation.
It was nothing. He really was sick. He just got better.
I'm so fucking glad. Yeah.
I really like him. I do. I don't want to hate him.
I fucking love you.
Ira!
Hey!
What are you doing here?
(CHUCKLlNG)
I'm going back to Los Angeles.
LA?
Yeah.
You're in the Great China Air First Class Lounge, mate.
What are you doing?
Oh. Shit, this is a confusing airport.
I thought this was Panda Express.
Well, it's good to see you guys, though.
What's going on? Laura?
What the hell is going on?
Uh... Ask her.
I was so mad at you for the way that you've been treating me
that I was on my way here to tell you tonight
to find another place to live when you got back.
But then... I came here to stop her.
CLARKE: Shut the fuck up.
I slept with George once, but it's over.
It's done. And it was no big deal.
(BREATHlNG HEAVlLY)
We didn't even have sex. He just went down on me.
(SlGHS) That's worse.
CLARKE: Crikey.
He manipulated me with his disease!
Where is he? George, where is he?
He's at your house.
He's at our house? With our kids?
LAURA: Please don't get that look on your face.
Please don't get that look on your face.
It was a mistake. I'm gonna kill him.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry.
You're sorry?
I came here to stop... Who are you?
I don't know. Who are you?
(SlGHS) What are you doing here?
I was trying to help you.
Get the fuck out of my life!
Okay.
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
Where is it? Where is it? Oh, God, where is it?
So stupid! Stupid shit!
I wanted to tell you I miss you. I miss your kisses.
I miss your short skirts. And I miss your smell.
Get the BabyBjorn.
(GlRLS LAUGHlNG) We're gonna go find that wizard.
Hey, girls. You look so cute.
You, outside.
Is he in trouble?
Yes.
What's gonna happen? I don't know.
What do you think I did?
Oh, shit!
Your friend sold you out, mate!
LAURA: No, no, no, Clarke!
CLARKE: You think this is a game? Stop it!
What'd you think you were gonna do?
Come in and just fuck up my family?
IRA: Stop it! CLARKE: Is that what you thought?
Stop it. Stop. No, no, no, no!
GEORGE: I didn't fucking do anything! This sort of shit I kill for!
Don't kill him! Don't kill him!
You stupid shit!
No!
Fuck, man!
Come here! Run, George!
Don't hurt him, you maniac!
Cut the shit, guys!
Stop it!
IRA: Run, George! You're cornering yourself! Go that way!
Get away from me! Take it like a man, George!
Get away from me, you fucking crazy asshole!
You fucking asshole! Get away!
Oh, my God.
She's not happy with you!
No one who's married is happy, you idiot!
Get in a ball, George! Get in a ball!
Fight like a man! Get on your feet, would you?
I don't know how to fight! I'm a comedian, you fucking asshole!
Should I jump in?
No! No! Don't jump in!
Just get away from me, man! You traitor!
Go get more cigarettes, you liar!
IRA: I accomplished nothing!
They made up before I got there!
(BOTH GRUNTlNG)
Where's your helmet now, Yankee?
Let's talk! Clarke!
LAURA: Clarke, no!
Come on, pussy!
Help!
All right!
Stop!
IRA: I got him! I got him! You don't want this, Schmira.
You don't want a piece of me, Schmira!
I am gonna love this!
(GROANS)
God!
You son of a bitch! I knew you didn't want me to be happy!
What are you doing, man? Look at this! You fucking suck!
You've gone crazy! You're a lightweight...
Get away from me, man!
...named lra Wiener! Ira Wiener!
You should have died! Well, I ain't going nowhere!
I'm never gonna die! I hope you die!
I'm never gonna die, baby! Die!
Boys, stop it! IRA: I hope you die! I hate you!
I know what you're trying to do, the pair of you!
You're trying to distract me so I won't hit him!
Lackey! Lackey!
IRA: Wait!
Oh, shit, Clarke! Dude!
Are you okay, George?
Where's your stunt man now, hey?
Stop it!
Will you stop hitting me?
I'm better now, but it can come back!
Laura, tell him. Tell him what you told me.
Tell him that you love me more than you love him. Tell him!
Yeah, when she told you that,
did she think you were dying, huh?
Tell him. Tell him. Is it me or him?
Him.
What? Come on! Are you serious?
He's my husband. We have a family.
I love him.
And you didn't even cry when Mable sang Cats.
What's the matter with you?
I didn't want to lie. I don't know.
I've seen it on Broadway before.
It wasn't as good as it.
What are you guys doing on the lawn?
I'm hungry!
Nothing. We're just... We're just mucking around.
Come on. Go back inside.
Sorry, George. I'll always love you.
But what are we gonna do?
I love you.
I'm sorry I came up here. I shouldn't have come.
No, I'm glad you did.
Maybe when we're 70?
I hope you find a way to be happy.
Shit. He's coming back. He's coming back. Let's go.
LAURA: Clarke.
You know what? I've just worked out why all this shit has happened.
In the East, they call this karma.
And I have brought all this shit upon us with my misbehavior.
That's why all this shit has happened.
This had to happen.
But some good shit's gonna come from this.
We have to learn from this, you know, all of us.
There's a good lesson here.
Underneath anger is hurt,
but underneath hurt is love.
You feel it?
Okay?
Yeah. Thank you.
I'm sorry about this.
Yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it.
Do you want me to drive?
(SlGHS)
No, you don't have to drive me. I'll drive myself.
In fact, you're never gonna have to drive me again because you're fired, lra.
You're the only person that I've ever heard of
that learned nothing from a near-death experience, George.
You went backwards. You're worse.
You know what I am? A good friend.
I would never run to the airport and rat somebody out.
I don't have that in my DNA. That's not a friend, man.
A friend tells you. A friend comes up to you and says,
"Hey, you're in a heap of shit. You better not do it."
He doesn't run and tell the fucking girl.
Well... Wow.
Good. Fire me. I don't want to be around you anymore,
'cause you are fucking contagious!
You think I can't get another assistant?
I can't get someone else to write jokes for me?
You think I'm gonna lay in my bed going, "Aw, I miss my Schmira"?
You're a fucking no-thought. That's the beauty.
Once you're gone it never comes back in my brain.
You think getting Laura would have made you happy?
I know so. You think if you had a family right now,
you would be happy?
You'll never be happy, 'cause you're always gonna be stuck with yourself!
Unless somehow you can get away from you,
you're always gonna be miserable, George.
You are not funny.
Well, if that means I'm less like you,
then good, I don't want to be funny, okay?
Mission accomplished, lra.
Bad career choice.
Comedy usually is for funny people.
Gotcha.
(SlGHS)
(TlRES SCREECHlNG)
(GROANS)
Chances are you've got a lot of stuff stuffed in your drawers and closets
that you don't really need.
Mary Bolster is editor-in-chief of Natural Health magazine.
She's here to help you get trashing, bagging and get organized.
Hello, Mary. MARY: Hi, Hoda.
HODA: Okay, we do save things for the wackiest reasons.
(WHlSPERlNG) Good morning. Hi.
I think I'm gonna forgive him today.
What? Really? Yeah.
Great! That's great news!
He's just gonna be so jealous that I'm on Yo Teach...! You know?
I just figured it'd be a cool thing to do.
Well, maybe we could find something for him.
You know, if it comes up organically, definitely, but we shouldn't force it.
You know? Right.
I don't want to be on Yo Teach...!
It's okay. I forgave you, you know?
Thank you.
So, how'd everything go up there this weekend?
I think I did the right thing, but George fired me and punched me in the face.
You want to talk about it?
No.
I kind of wish you would. It sounds like the greatest story, ever.
Wake me up at 2:00. I'll tell you about it.
Well, we're glad you're back.
Glad you're home.
I can't believe I have to start all over again.
Hey, man, how you doing?
Hey, how you doing? Heard you were sick.
You feeling better now? Over here!
MAN: George, second lease on life. What are you gonna do now?
Hey, guys, come on. Come on, I heard rumors
about another baby movie. What do you got, huh?
Yeah, yeah, we're gonna shoot that. That should be good.
Gonna start that in a little bit. Let me get by you, though.
It's nice up here, huh?
Yeah. How'd you find it?
Me and my friends, we hike up here and I always thought,
"You know, that'd be a great place to take
"a woman if you... If you knew one."
Well, now you know one.
Good.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Hey, I'm gonna give him the light.
Thanks, Mark.
Bailey, you're number two.
Hey, lra. How you doing?
Good. How you doing?
RANDY: Wassup, big money?
You guys know each other?
Yes. I've seen this young Jewish comedian.
Randy, what's happening?
I saw this cat down at Otto's yesterday. Made me a little panini.
Grilled chicken pesto. Shit was nice.
Yeah, I'm working at Otto's again.
GEORGE: So, you're going up?
Yeah, I'm about to go up now. See you guys.
Later!
Thank you. Thank you.
My friends are very sexually aggressive, which is hard for me.
You know, we'll watch television and they'll just see...
A hot girl will come on and they'll just be,
"Man, I wanna fuck the shit out of that girl, man!
"I'm gonna fuck that girl!"
And I, like, can't even say that.
I can't even pretend I would do that.
I see a hot girl on TV and I'm like,
"Man, I would friend the shit out of her!
"I'd friend her all night! I would be her girlfriend!
"I would drive her to the airport, man!
"I would hold her purse while she shopped, all over her tits!"
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Thank you.
Hi, I need a pound of turkey and a half-pint of macaroni salad, please.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Um... Yeah, I'll just be one sec, okay?
Okay, thanks.
(lMlTATlNG OLD WOMAN) The last time I came here,
the roast beef you gave me had the string still around it
and I was unaware of this and fed it to my husband, and he choked.
How's it going, George?
You get a break or anything where you can talk?
Okay, yeah. Sure. Chuck, I'll be one sec, okay, man?
Shit.
(CLlCKS)
(SlGHS)
So, you had to get your job back here, huh?
Yeah. You know, I figured I could use a little job stability.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I get health insurance. It's pretty good.
So, I thought a lot about what you said in the car to me.
A few of those things might have been accurate.
You tried to help me and I'm sorry I put you in the middle of all that stuff.
I'm better in my body.
My brain has a ways to go, though.
How are you doing, though? You're doing okay?
I don't know, lra.
I...
I caught your whole set the other night, lra. Nice.
Yeah, yeah, no, you're getting a rhythm.
You're starting to be the lra I like in real life onstage.
Thanks. Yeah, I've been getting up a lot lately, so it's going well.
Yeah, you were funny, and it was a fart-free set.
I wrote some stuff down that night that... Some jokes.
You want to hear it?
You what?
I couldn't stop thinking of jokes for you last night. It was bizarre.
I'm not saying they're good jokes, but I try.
You actually wrote them down!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. My fucking memory's horrible.
That thing you did about the Wii Fit thing. What's that?
Oh, like, "My video game..." Yeah.
"My video game told me I'm fat?"
Yeah, yeah, yeah. "The ultimate betrayal." Yeah.
Right, right. You could maybe say, "l mean, that's like my pot telling me I'm lazy."
Oh, that's really funny.
"And the Wii is similar to my grandmother.
"She used to tell me I'm getting chubby
"and then bring me chicken parmesan and say, 'Why are you so fat?"'
(LAUGHlNG)
That's really funny!
It's true. The video game made me fat and... It is like my grandmother.
All right. "Why are you so fat?
"Here's four gallons of chocolate milk."
That's good! She would always do that.
That's good. I got one I've been afraid to tell,
kind of, about, like, Viagra. It's like, "My grandfather takes Viagra
"and he thought he was tittie-fucking my grandmother..."
Yeah? "But then he realized he was tittie-fucking
"his own balls."
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)
That's funny! You got to do that!
That's pretty funny, huh?
You got to say that the thing... That when you're that old
and you have a boner that there's not a good position, you know?
That's funny! That's really...
You do it doggy-style, your knees hurt.
You get water on your knee.
"l can't even hold myself up in..." Exactly.
"What would an old man do?" Yeah...
(ACOUSTIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYlNG)
WARREN ZEVON: Let's do another bad one then
'cause I like it when the blood drains from David's face.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYlNG)
MABLE: Okay.
(SLOW SHOW TUNE PLAYlNG)
(SINGING) Burnt-out ends of smoky days
The stale cold smell of morning
The streetlamp dies, another night is over
Another day is dawning
Touch me It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory Of my days in the sun
If you touch me You'll understand what happiness is
Look, a new day
has begun
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