1 00:00:23,890 --> 00:00:25,551 MAN: Let's call American Express. You lost your card, 2 00:00:25,658 --> 00:00:27,717 (WOMAN LAUGHS) and you don't know what the number of it is. 3 00:00:27,827 --> 00:00:28,919 GEORGE: That's a great one. 4 00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,018 MAN: Do the old lady. 5 00:00:30,130 --> 00:00:32,325 GEORGE: (IMITATING OLD WOMAN) I lost my card. 6 00:00:32,432 --> 00:00:33,421 (WOMAN LAUGHING) 7 00:00:33,533 --> 00:00:35,398 WOMAN: Your... Your accent went in and out on you sometimes. 8 00:00:35,502 --> 00:00:36,764 GEORGE: I went southern and then... 9 00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:38,337 ON PHONE: American Express. I'm Danille, how may I help you? 10 00:00:38,438 --> 00:00:40,633 GEORGE: (IMITATING OLD WOMAN) I certainly need some assistance. 11 00:00:40,740 --> 00:00:44,039 I'm sorry to call you in such a frenzy, 12 00:00:44,144 --> 00:00:48,274 but I'm very shook up. I got my American Express card stolen. 13 00:00:49,115 --> 00:00:51,083 WOMAN: Okay, can I have your last name, please? 14 00:00:51,184 --> 00:00:52,151 GEORGE: Yes. 15 00:00:52,786 --> 00:00:53,946 What's your last name? 16 00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:55,146 Right. 17 00:00:55,255 --> 00:00:58,019 Okay, can you give me your name so I can look up your account? 18 00:00:58,124 --> 00:00:59,148 Yes. Helen. 19 00:00:59,259 --> 00:01:00,590 What's your last name, please? 20 00:01:00,693 --> 00:01:01,887 Easafawn. 21 00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:03,863 What? 22 00:01:03,963 --> 00:01:04,930 (WOMAN SNlCKERS) 23 00:01:05,031 --> 00:01:07,829 Helen Easafawn. 24 00:01:07,934 --> 00:01:10,494 E-A 25 00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:15,868 S-A-fawn. 26 00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:19,173 ON PHONE: Jerry's Famous Deli. This is Cindy. May I help you? 27 00:01:19,279 --> 00:01:22,874 Hi. I have no legs. May I speak to the manager? 28 00:01:23,183 --> 00:01:24,150 (RECEIVER CLICKS) 29 00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:25,740 (MAN LAUGHlNG) 30 00:01:26,619 --> 00:01:31,488 Now, if I get a bill and it's something, like, for... 31 00:01:31,591 --> 00:01:32,990 (STUTTERlNG) 32 00:01:34,794 --> 00:01:36,159 (ALL SNlCKER) 33 00:01:37,197 --> 00:01:41,566 But two times in a row I eat the damn roast beef and I'm... 34 00:01:42,635 --> 00:01:46,196 I can't stop going to the bathroom! 35 00:01:46,306 --> 00:01:48,968 MAN: Well, I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do for you. 36 00:01:49,075 --> 00:01:50,303 MAN: Ma? 37 00:01:51,077 --> 00:01:53,238 And my son thinks I'm crazy. 38 00:01:53,346 --> 00:01:54,745 Ma, who you calling? 39 00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:56,975 It's Jerry's. And don't tell me not to call them. 40 00:01:57,083 --> 00:01:59,142 Jesus Christ, get off the fucking phone! 41 00:01:59,252 --> 00:02:00,219 Don't talk to me that way! 42 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:02,220 Get off the fucking phone! 43 00:02:02,322 --> 00:02:03,289 What's going on? 44 00:02:03,389 --> 00:02:04,651 MAN: Same thing as the last time. 45 00:02:04,757 --> 00:02:06,019 Did she... What'd she call you about? 46 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,286 The roast beef? Yes. 47 00:02:07,393 --> 00:02:09,361 All right, she just puked in the kitchen. 48 00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:11,828 That's all right. I suggested that she doesn't eat roast beef 49 00:02:11,931 --> 00:02:13,831 if it doesn't agree with her. 50 00:02:15,001 --> 00:02:16,263 (WOMAN SNlCKERlNG) 51 00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:23,208 I... I appreciate your suggestions, but I love roast beef. 52 00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:24,799 It's delicious! 53 00:02:25,545 --> 00:02:26,978 MAN: Go clean up the mess! 54 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:30,311 (CRYlNG) I can't. Get off of me! 55 00:02:30,750 --> 00:02:32,217 You son of a bitch! 56 00:02:32,318 --> 00:02:33,785 (ALL SNlCKERlNG) 57 00:02:34,187 --> 00:02:35,950 (DIAL TONE) 58 00:02:36,055 --> 00:02:37,886 (ALL LAUGHlNG) 59 00:03:17,997 --> 00:03:18,986 George? 60 00:03:25,738 --> 00:03:26,932 GlRL: Hi, Mr. Simmons. 61 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,302 Ladies. 62 00:03:30,777 --> 00:03:32,802 George Simmons, man! Can I get a picture? 63 00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:35,738 Yeah, yeah. You got it ready? All right, hit me, baby, all right. 64 00:03:35,848 --> 00:03:37,679 Get a little tittie in there. Come on. 65 00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:39,215 How are you? You're really funny. 66 00:03:39,319 --> 00:03:40,843 Thank you. You're funnier. 67 00:03:41,087 --> 00:03:42,748 (SPEAKS GlBBERlSH COMlCALLY) 68 00:03:43,623 --> 00:03:44,749 Hello. Hi! 69 00:03:44,857 --> 00:03:46,381 Gentlemen. Gentlemen. Hey, what's up? 70 00:03:46,492 --> 00:03:47,959 GEORGE: Hey. How are you? 71 00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:03,465 Hey, handsome. Doctor. 72 00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:04,543 How are you, kid? 73 00:04:04,644 --> 00:04:05,611 How are you, baby? 74 00:04:05,712 --> 00:04:07,304 (CLEARS THROAT) 75 00:04:07,413 --> 00:04:08,937 The Lunestas are working, baby. 76 00:04:09,048 --> 00:04:11,346 Those are smooth. No hangover. 77 00:04:11,451 --> 00:04:16,081 Fall asleep, bam. Fucking what was the deal with the Restorils? 78 00:04:16,189 --> 00:04:19,784 Why did you give me those? You trying to fuck with me or something? 79 00:04:19,892 --> 00:04:23,555 George, we got the results back from the follow-up of your blood count 80 00:04:23,663 --> 00:04:26,257 and it's not what we hoped for. 81 00:04:26,366 --> 00:04:29,995 As I mentioned earlier, the CBC was abnormal. 82 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:34,904 Your white blood cells were four times the size that they should be. 83 00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:38,774 And very low hemoglobin, seven grams per deciliter. 84 00:04:38,878 --> 00:04:40,937 I don't understand what you're saying right now. 85 00:04:41,047 --> 00:04:43,538 Can you speak how people speak? 86 00:04:44,150 --> 00:04:47,051 You have a very serious disease. It's called AML. 87 00:04:47,153 --> 00:04:51,852 It's a form of leukemia and I can't predict how this will play out, 88 00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:55,553 but I feel you have a rough road ahead of you. 89 00:05:01,934 --> 00:05:03,128 That's George Simmons, right here. 90 00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:04,533 George! George! George Simmons! 91 00:05:04,637 --> 00:05:07,037 Hey, man! How, how you doing, man? I'm a big fan of yours. 92 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:08,835 (lNAUDlBLE) 93 00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:31,259 I'm sorry to say we're past the point where traditional structures 94 00:05:31,364 --> 00:05:35,027 Iike chemotherapy and radiation would be effective at all. 95 00:05:36,669 --> 00:05:39,729 DR. STEVENS: And I think it's best for us to pursue an experimental course. 96 00:05:45,211 --> 00:05:46,610 CHUCK: Here you go, ma'am. Your tamales. 97 00:05:46,713 --> 00:05:48,112 Thanks for shopping at Otto's. Yo, Chuck, 98 00:05:48,781 --> 00:05:50,840 I'm going up at the Comedy & Magic Club doing stand-up. 99 00:05:50,950 --> 00:05:52,144 You should come watch me. 100 00:05:52,251 --> 00:05:54,719 Don't let him suck you in. He's not funny. 101 00:05:55,121 --> 00:05:57,419 Nah, he's right, man. No way, man. That shit was painful. 102 00:05:57,523 --> 00:05:59,514 I mean, it was hard watching you suffer up there. 103 00:05:59,625 --> 00:06:01,252 I had fucking nightmares after that. 104 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,828 That was a long time ago. That was months ago. 105 00:06:02,929 --> 00:06:04,089 I've gotten a lot funnier since then. 106 00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:05,323 Then you bored my wife to sleep. 107 00:06:05,431 --> 00:06:06,762 I couldn't get no pussy that night, man. 108 00:06:06,866 --> 00:06:09,357 Don't blame me for your pussy issues. 109 00:06:09,469 --> 00:06:10,959 Are they gonna pay you? Pay me? No! 110 00:06:11,070 --> 00:06:12,970 That's just how it starts. You don't get paid in the beginning. 111 00:06:13,072 --> 00:06:15,165 You gotta, you know, work your way up through the ranks. 112 00:06:15,341 --> 00:06:17,138 My nigger, how the fuck you in show business 113 00:06:17,243 --> 00:06:18,642 when you got no business to show? 114 00:06:18,745 --> 00:06:20,007 I'm supposed to be writing jokes. 115 00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:21,307 I'm supposed to be doing comedy. 116 00:06:21,414 --> 00:06:23,575 I'm not supposed to be making macaroni salad. 117 00:06:23,683 --> 00:06:26,379 I hate it, man. It's depressing. Otto's sucks! 118 00:06:26,486 --> 00:06:28,579 You don't know about no motherfucking hard time, man. 119 00:06:28,688 --> 00:06:31,885 I'm a ex-convict, man. Otto's the only place that would hire me. 120 00:06:31,991 --> 00:06:33,083 You too good for Otto's now? 121 00:06:33,192 --> 00:06:34,181 I'm not too good for it. 122 00:06:34,293 --> 00:06:35,453 I just don't... It's not for me, you know, I'm sorry. 123 00:06:35,561 --> 00:06:36,550 See that bridge? 1,200 bucks. 124 00:06:38,596 --> 00:06:39,585 Okay. 125 00:06:39,697 --> 00:06:42,393 On the house, man! Otto, man! Otto's my lotto. 126 00:06:42,500 --> 00:06:45,025 Come on, man, look. I can't work here anymore, all right? 127 00:06:45,136 --> 00:06:46,831 What, you gonna be on TV or some shit like that? 128 00:06:46,938 --> 00:06:48,803 I am gonna be on TV. The chunky guy on Survivor or some shit? 129 00:06:48,907 --> 00:06:50,340 No, I'm gonna be like Seinfeld. 130 00:06:50,441 --> 00:06:52,170 Get the fuck out of here, man! 131 00:06:52,610 --> 00:06:53,577 You ain't gonna be like Seinfeld. 132 00:06:53,678 --> 00:06:55,646 Seinfeld's my motherfucking man! 133 00:06:55,747 --> 00:06:57,044 Now Kramer, 134 00:06:57,148 --> 00:06:59,844 Kramer gets a pass from me 'cause Kramer's my nigger. 135 00:06:59,951 --> 00:07:01,976 Well, very forgiving of you. 136 00:07:02,086 --> 00:07:04,213 Look, as a friend, man, let me tell you something. 137 00:07:04,322 --> 00:07:05,789 You're not funny. I think I'm funny. 138 00:07:05,890 --> 00:07:08,017 I got new jokes, man, and they're good. 139 00:07:08,126 --> 00:07:09,286 Let me hear one of your new jokes. 140 00:07:09,394 --> 00:07:11,419 Okay, I got one like, 141 00:07:11,529 --> 00:07:13,997 I'm really good at Guitar Hero, you know, on PlayStation, 142 00:07:14,098 --> 00:07:16,794 and I was so good at it, I thought, like, "Maybe I should get a guitar." 143 00:07:16,901 --> 00:07:18,801 Then I thought like, "I'm really good at Grand Theft Auto, 144 00:07:18,903 --> 00:07:20,768 "maybe I should start beating up hookers." 145 00:07:21,539 --> 00:07:23,131 Okay, that got me. That was humorous. 146 00:07:23,241 --> 00:07:24,538 I thought you'd like that. 147 00:07:24,642 --> 00:07:26,007 But, yo, I ain't got no dough, man. 148 00:07:26,110 --> 00:07:27,441 For real, if I had some dough, I would go. 149 00:07:27,545 --> 00:07:28,512 I'll pay your cover charge. 150 00:07:28,613 --> 00:07:29,739 That's the night I take my wife out also, 151 00:07:29,847 --> 00:07:30,836 so you gotta pay for my bitch, too. 152 00:07:32,568 --> 00:07:34,661 Okay, I'll do it. Okay. If you come and laugh. Laugh loud. 153 00:07:34,769 --> 00:07:35,758 (LAUGHS) 154 00:07:35,870 --> 00:07:36,894 Like that? That's good. Perfect. 155 00:07:37,005 --> 00:07:37,972 I'll see you Saturday then. 156 00:07:38,073 --> 00:07:39,062 Okay, good. Thank you. 157 00:07:39,174 --> 00:07:41,404 Craig, listen to me. I'm doing the best I can, okay? 158 00:07:41,509 --> 00:07:46,071 I wiped your ass our entire childhood. Now it's your turn, buddy! 159 00:07:46,181 --> 00:07:48,376 Well, you're the one that asked the wizard to make you young again. 160 00:07:48,483 --> 00:07:49,814 I didn't mean this young! 161 00:07:49,918 --> 00:07:51,385 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 162 00:07:51,486 --> 00:07:53,249 Last time I had a suit on, at my bar mitzvah. 163 00:07:53,355 --> 00:07:55,050 My bar mitzvah, it was the last... 164 00:07:55,156 --> 00:07:56,783 And now I got the same suit. It's the same suit. 165 00:07:56,891 --> 00:08:00,224 I think it looks good. The bar mitzvah was a good day in my life. 166 00:08:00,328 --> 00:08:02,694 I made more money that day than I think I'll ever make again. 167 00:08:02,797 --> 00:08:03,764 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 168 00:08:03,865 --> 00:08:06,993 You know, it's really sad. To peak at 13 is a weird feeling. 169 00:08:07,102 --> 00:08:08,069 MAN: This is indicative of the kind of... 170 00:08:08,169 --> 00:08:09,727 GEORGE: Yo. Yo. Shoot that. Look at that! 171 00:08:09,838 --> 00:08:13,069 Both those girls just go, "That's the guy from MTV. " 172 00:08:13,174 --> 00:08:15,734 I swear on my life, those two girls, they were just going, 173 00:08:15,844 --> 00:08:18,278 "That's the guy. " It's the second time it happened. 174 00:08:18,380 --> 00:08:22,680 I got off a... I got off, I got off the bus, and... 175 00:08:22,784 --> 00:08:24,684 I mean, the train. I'm walking out... 176 00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:03,620 Me and Ann traded shifts. My family's in from Green Bay. 177 00:09:03,725 --> 00:09:06,660 You know, come to see how their daughter's doing in the big city. 178 00:09:06,761 --> 00:09:08,854 You know, wait, you went to school here, right? 179 00:09:08,963 --> 00:09:10,453 (PHONE RINGING) 180 00:09:11,232 --> 00:09:12,199 LAURA: Hello? 181 00:09:12,300 --> 00:09:15,497 Hey, Laura, it's George. 182 00:09:15,603 --> 00:09:19,266 How's the northern side of California going? 183 00:09:20,141 --> 00:09:21,836 What do you want, George? 184 00:09:22,610 --> 00:09:24,578 I was wondering if you had a few minutes. 185 00:09:24,679 --> 00:09:27,671 I wanted to talk to you about something. 186 00:09:28,149 --> 00:09:32,609 Actually, I don't. I was just walking out the door. 187 00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:35,814 Is it okay if I get your number and I'll give you a call back later? 188 00:09:36,524 --> 00:09:38,492 I know I'm not supposed to call you. 189 00:09:38,593 --> 00:09:41,061 I just wanted to let you know that, 190 00:09:42,630 --> 00:09:45,895 that I really am so sorry about everything. 191 00:09:48,036 --> 00:09:50,027 I'm sorry, I screwed up. 192 00:09:52,073 --> 00:09:53,973 Too bad you didn't realize that back then, but 193 00:09:54,075 --> 00:09:57,340 anyway, I gotta go. Do you want me to call you back? 194 00:09:58,379 --> 00:10:01,246 No, you don't have to call me back. I know you're not going to, 195 00:10:01,416 --> 00:10:04,749 but I just wanted to let you know I was sorry one more time. 196 00:10:04,853 --> 00:10:07,754 Okay. Well, all right. Okay, good luck, George. 197 00:10:07,856 --> 00:10:08,914 Okay. 198 00:10:11,926 --> 00:10:12,915 (CLEARS THROAT) 199 00:10:15,414 --> 00:10:18,781 You know, so, like, I have this joke about how, like, you never see, like, 200 00:10:18,884 --> 00:10:22,376 a very attractive, blonde, big-breasted homeless woman. 201 00:10:22,487 --> 00:10:25,979 You know, like, someone will take care of that person no matter what. 202 00:10:26,091 --> 00:10:27,956 That woman's gonna be fine. All right, so here's the joke. 203 00:10:28,060 --> 00:10:30,426 You can be attractive and stupid and make it in the world. 204 00:10:30,529 --> 00:10:31,496 Yeah. 205 00:10:31,596 --> 00:10:32,756 And you could be unattractive and smart 206 00:10:32,864 --> 00:10:34,024 and make it in the world. Yeah. 207 00:10:34,132 --> 00:10:37,397 But it's the ugly, dumb people who are really screwed 208 00:10:37,502 --> 00:10:39,163 'cause they're ignorant and an eyesore. 209 00:10:39,271 --> 00:10:40,238 That's funny, man. 210 00:10:40,339 --> 00:10:41,738 That's pretty funny. I think that'll work. 211 00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:43,102 I was thinking of doing this thing where, like, 212 00:10:43,208 --> 00:10:44,732 I'm not good-looking and I'm not bad-looking. 213 00:10:44,843 --> 00:10:46,242 I'm kind of, like, right in the middle, you know. 214 00:10:46,345 --> 00:10:49,940 Like... Like, if I had a good personality, I could get any chick in the world, 215 00:10:50,048 --> 00:10:51,948 but I don't. Yeah, it doesn't work. 216 00:10:52,050 --> 00:10:53,881 I auditioned for Budd Friedman at the lmprov. 217 00:10:53,985 --> 00:10:54,974 He okayed me and made me a regular. 218 00:10:56,738 --> 00:10:57,796 Budd won't even look me in the eye. 219 00:10:57,905 --> 00:11:00,897 Man, that's... Good for you, man. Congratulations. 220 00:11:01,008 --> 00:11:02,873 You shouldn't have lost all that weight, man. 221 00:11:02,977 --> 00:11:04,535 There's nothing funny about a physically-fit man. 222 00:11:04,645 --> 00:11:06,442 I know. It's lame, right? Yeah. 223 00:11:06,547 --> 00:11:08,447 No one wants to watch Lance Armstrong do comedy. 224 00:11:08,549 --> 00:11:09,777 (SlGHlNG) Oh, God. 225 00:11:09,884 --> 00:11:11,044 Hey, lra. 226 00:11:11,151 --> 00:11:14,314 Oh, hey, Mark. Can you do me a favor and never leave a paycheck 227 00:11:14,421 --> 00:11:16,889 from your shit sitcom on my pillow ever again, please? 228 00:11:16,991 --> 00:11:20,119 (SlGHS) That is so rude of me to accidentally leave my paycheck 229 00:11:20,227 --> 00:11:23,924 for $25,000 on your pillow. I'm sorry. 230 00:11:24,031 --> 00:11:24,998 It's a dick move. 231 00:11:25,099 --> 00:11:26,464 It's just, they keep coming, 232 00:11:26,567 --> 00:11:27,761 you know, week after week. 233 00:11:27,868 --> 00:11:29,893 It's getting a little bit hard to keep track of them all. 234 00:11:30,004 --> 00:11:31,528 You know what? Becoming marginally famous 235 00:11:31,639 --> 00:11:33,231 has really turned you into an asshole. 236 00:11:33,340 --> 00:11:37,470 Now listen, I'd love to stay here and chat with you, but we have company. 237 00:11:37,578 --> 00:11:39,739 You know that girl comedian who lives across the street? 238 00:11:39,847 --> 00:11:41,474 The one with the dark hair and the bangs? 239 00:11:41,582 --> 00:11:42,640 Daisy, yeah. Daisy, right. 240 00:11:42,750 --> 00:11:45,947 Well, I bumped into her outside and I invited her in, 241 00:11:46,053 --> 00:11:48,613 and she's sitting in our living room right now. 242 00:11:48,722 --> 00:11:50,019 She's out there right now? 243 00:11:50,124 --> 00:11:52,957 She's hot and she's mousy, but kind of like... 244 00:11:53,060 --> 00:11:55,392 She's mousy like a mouse you want to stick your dick in. 245 00:11:55,496 --> 00:11:57,396 Yeah, you've gotta get out there and talk to her. 246 00:11:57,498 --> 00:11:58,465 Why would you do that? 247 00:11:58,566 --> 00:11:59,897 What do you mean, why would I do that? 248 00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:00,967 I'm trying to hook you up. 249 00:12:01,068 --> 00:12:02,228 Well, I'm laying groundwork, man. 250 00:12:02,336 --> 00:12:04,270 I got a three-month plan. You can't just throw me into this. 251 00:12:04,371 --> 00:12:06,498 I'll give you 10 days on your three-month plan. 252 00:12:06,607 --> 00:12:08,165 No, I need 80 more days than that! 253 00:12:08,275 --> 00:12:12,302 Okay, I do this because I care about you. I do this to motivate you. 254 00:12:12,413 --> 00:12:16,281 But I will fuck that girl in 10 days. I promise. 255 00:12:16,383 --> 00:12:18,044 Come on, dude, I'm not cute like you. 256 00:12:18,152 --> 00:12:21,451 I don't look like Jackson Browne. I look like Jon Favreau! 257 00:12:21,555 --> 00:12:24,023 Don't do this to me. Don't make me fuck her. 258 00:12:24,124 --> 00:12:25,386 Well, then just don't fuck her! 259 00:12:25,492 --> 00:12:27,824 Don't you put me in this corner where I have to fuck my way out. 260 00:12:27,928 --> 00:12:30,829 He'll do it, too. He'll do it. I've seen him do this before. 261 00:12:30,931 --> 00:12:33,923 I'm gonna go out there and warm her up. I'll see you out there. 262 00:12:34,268 --> 00:12:35,633 Kanye. Kanye! 263 00:12:35,736 --> 00:12:36,794 No. T.I. T.I. 264 00:12:36,904 --> 00:12:38,337 Lil Weezy. It's all about Common. 265 00:12:38,439 --> 00:12:39,963 Eminem. MARK: But do you guys know 266 00:12:40,074 --> 00:12:42,304 who the greatest rapper of all time is? 267 00:12:42,810 --> 00:12:46,371 (SINGING) William Shakespeare! 268 00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:47,538 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 269 00:12:47,648 --> 00:12:50,947 I know it's silly, but it's fun. You know, people like it. 270 00:12:51,051 --> 00:12:52,211 Yeah. You know? 271 00:12:52,319 --> 00:12:54,787 It's just cool that you're on TV. I mean... 272 00:12:54,888 --> 00:12:56,788 I can't believe you haven't seen this before. 273 00:12:57,324 --> 00:13:00,293 Yeah, I can't believe it's gotten by me. 274 00:13:00,394 --> 00:13:04,228 Is it on a kids channel? WB? A teen channel or something? 275 00:13:04,331 --> 00:13:05,298 MARK: No. It's on NBC. 276 00:13:05,399 --> 00:13:06,366 DAlSY: Really? 277 00:13:06,467 --> 00:13:08,264 Ira, this is Daisy. Oh! 278 00:13:08,369 --> 00:13:09,597 Daisy, lra. Hi. 279 00:13:09,703 --> 00:13:10,727 How are you? How's it going? Good. 280 00:13:10,838 --> 00:13:11,862 Actually, I have a cold, so I shouldn't... 281 00:13:11,972 --> 00:13:12,961 Oh! 282 00:13:13,474 --> 00:13:14,441 Air shake. 283 00:13:14,541 --> 00:13:16,099 (BOTH CHUCKLE) 284 00:13:16,210 --> 00:13:18,644 I've actually seen you do comedy at the lmprov a couple times. 285 00:13:18,746 --> 00:13:20,646 Yeah, you're really... You're really, really funny. 286 00:13:20,748 --> 00:13:22,409 Oh, thanks. 287 00:13:23,217 --> 00:13:24,946 You know, lra just lost 20 pounds. 288 00:13:25,052 --> 00:13:26,781 Oh, congratulations. 289 00:13:26,887 --> 00:13:28,855 Yes, I did. All from my cock. 290 00:13:28,956 --> 00:13:31,186 Um... So... 291 00:13:32,126 --> 00:13:36,062 So, this episode right here is actually a two-parter. 292 00:13:36,163 --> 00:13:39,223 Great, so does that mean we're gonna watch both parts right now? 293 00:13:39,333 --> 00:13:41,096 Oh, shoot. Oh, God. 294 00:13:41,201 --> 00:13:42,498 You need some help with that, lra? 295 00:13:42,603 --> 00:13:43,865 No! No, it's... 296 00:13:43,971 --> 00:13:46,098 It's okay, I got it. I got it. I got it. 297 00:13:46,573 --> 00:13:47,631 Mmm. 298 00:13:48,242 --> 00:13:49,573 (SLURPlNG) 299 00:13:50,844 --> 00:13:53,540 I'm joking. I'll get a rag. 300 00:13:53,914 --> 00:13:55,779 See you in nine days, lra! 301 00:13:55,883 --> 00:13:56,872 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 302 00:13:56,984 --> 00:13:57,117 RANDY: I went to a place recently 303 00:13:57,117 --> 00:13:58,277 RANDY: I went to a place recently 304 00:13:58,385 --> 00:14:01,286 I'm convinced is the most fucked up, crazy place 305 00:14:01,388 --> 00:14:06,849 I've ever been to. It's a little place called Cold Stone Creamery. 306 00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:08,427 Now, the thing at Cold Stone is... 307 00:14:08,529 --> 00:14:11,054 I can't believe this is what people like. 308 00:14:11,165 --> 00:14:17,695 The sizes are "like it, " "love it" and "gotta have it!" 309 00:14:18,072 --> 00:14:20,939 What kind of crackhead terminology is that? 310 00:14:21,041 --> 00:14:22,099 "What size you want, man?" 311 00:14:22,209 --> 00:14:24,177 "I don't know, man, I just gotta have it! 312 00:14:24,278 --> 00:14:26,610 "Put some ice cream in a cup with some sprinkles! 313 00:14:26,714 --> 00:14:29,444 "Put your dick in a Butterfinger and fuck it for me, please! 314 00:14:29,550 --> 00:14:32,951 "Put it in the cup! I need it! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! 315 00:14:33,053 --> 00:14:35,647 "I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! 316 00:14:35,756 --> 00:14:37,747 "I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!" 317 00:14:37,858 --> 00:14:40,850 (SlNGlNG) That's how it's done, son! That's how it's done, son! 318 00:14:41,762 --> 00:14:43,525 Killed it, man. Crowd was crazy. 319 00:14:43,630 --> 00:14:45,530 Is it always that wild on a Wednesday? 320 00:14:45,632 --> 00:14:47,259 No, they were... They seem pretty good out there. 321 00:14:47,367 --> 00:14:48,334 I'm really stepping up my game. 322 00:14:48,435 --> 00:14:51,063 These bitches gotta start paying me for this. 323 00:14:51,171 --> 00:14:54,572 Can't get no more free Randy. I just fucked that crowd in the ass. 324 00:14:54,675 --> 00:14:55,642 Yeah. 325 00:14:55,743 --> 00:14:57,711 Just awesome. Just fucking bam! 326 00:14:57,811 --> 00:15:02,009 Crowd, me, bam! Crowd, me... My stand-up's my dick. 327 00:15:02,182 --> 00:15:03,149 (EXCLAlMlNG) 328 00:15:03,951 --> 00:15:05,976 You know? I'm gonna do the same thing. 329 00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:09,718 Bullshit! Let's get some M&M's and chips going. 330 00:15:09,823 --> 00:15:10,812 Yellow! MAN: lra! 331 00:15:12,443 --> 00:15:14,536 Hey. Kevin Rooney didn't show up, 332 00:15:14,645 --> 00:15:16,044 so you're gonna do 10 minutes after Leo. 333 00:15:16,747 --> 00:15:18,374 Really? Okay. Thanks. Yeah. 334 00:15:18,482 --> 00:15:20,382 (MOCKlNG) "Yeah, thanks, yeah." 335 00:15:20,818 --> 00:15:22,046 (SCOFFS) 336 00:15:27,658 --> 00:15:30,286 (CLEARS THROAT) Hey. Did he just tell you you're going on next? 337 00:15:30,394 --> 00:15:32,294 Yeah, I'm on next. Okay. Well, I'm on after you, 338 00:15:32,396 --> 00:15:34,694 and if you go long, this is going to die in my pocket. 339 00:15:34,798 --> 00:15:35,787 (CHUCKLES) 340 00:15:35,899 --> 00:15:38,367 That wasn't a joke. I'm not a comic. 341 00:15:38,636 --> 00:15:40,968 Okay, when you get the light that means one minute. 342 00:15:41,071 --> 00:15:42,038 Okay. 343 00:15:42,339 --> 00:15:44,398 The other night, I heard my balls and my dick talking. 344 00:15:44,508 --> 00:15:45,497 And my balls were like, 345 00:15:47,295 --> 00:15:48,455 "Are you okay? 346 00:15:48,562 --> 00:15:50,257 (AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG) 347 00:15:51,531 --> 00:15:53,021 "Is he hurting you?" 348 00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:55,825 And my dick's like, "You don't know him like I do. 349 00:15:55,936 --> 00:15:58,097 "He's a great guy. He loves me. " 350 00:15:59,573 --> 00:16:01,097 There's always one guy that laughs way too hard in the... 351 00:16:01,208 --> 00:16:02,835 Hey. George Simmons just showed up. 352 00:16:02,943 --> 00:16:05,070 He wants to go on, so you are bumped. 353 00:16:05,212 --> 00:16:06,679 Okay, how long does he do? 354 00:16:06,780 --> 00:16:07,769 How the fuck should I know? 355 00:16:07,881 --> 00:16:09,473 He hasn't been here in five years, but you gotta be ready. 356 00:16:09,583 --> 00:16:10,572 Okay. Okay. 357 00:16:10,684 --> 00:16:12,982 LEO : Thank you, guys! It's really nice to be here! 358 00:16:13,086 --> 00:16:14,553 (AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG) 359 00:16:14,654 --> 00:16:16,349 See that? I fucking killed out there. Yeah, that was good. 360 00:16:16,456 --> 00:16:17,718 Watch out, Leo, watch out. All my new shit worked. 361 00:16:17,824 --> 00:16:18,813 Yeah. Yeah. 362 00:16:18,925 --> 00:16:20,620 I was supposed to go on after you. George Simmons showed up. 363 00:16:20,727 --> 00:16:22,058 Now I'm gonna go on after him. 364 00:16:22,162 --> 00:16:23,686 George Simmons is going up right now? Yeah. 365 00:16:23,797 --> 00:16:25,094 I just opened for George Simmons? 366 00:16:25,198 --> 00:16:26,426 (SlGHS) Yeah. 367 00:16:26,533 --> 00:16:28,000 That's fucking awesome, man! 368 00:16:28,535 --> 00:16:29,502 (AUDlENCE CHEERlNG) 369 00:16:29,636 --> 00:16:31,433 Yeah! 370 00:16:32,072 --> 00:16:34,267 All right! 371 00:16:36,176 --> 00:16:38,144 Yeah, all right, I'm scared. 372 00:16:38,245 --> 00:16:40,509 I'm scared for all of you guys. 373 00:16:40,614 --> 00:16:44,550 You need me! You need me. I'm not gonna be here forever. 374 00:16:45,385 --> 00:16:49,446 Who's gonna amuse you? It's so simple. 375 00:16:49,556 --> 00:16:50,716 You just look at each other and say... 376 00:16:50,824 --> 00:16:52,724 (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) 377 00:16:52,826 --> 00:16:53,815 Everyone's laughing. 378 00:16:55,679 --> 00:17:00,412 You people are so unamusing you have to pay another person 379 00:17:00,517 --> 00:17:03,850 to come and amuse you. What do you do at home? 380 00:17:03,954 --> 00:17:05,854 Just sit, fucking antsy, all day long, 381 00:17:05,956 --> 00:17:08,447 "When are we gonna get to that amusement place? 382 00:17:08,558 --> 00:17:11,857 "Amuse me. " You should be thanking me for those movies. 383 00:17:12,128 --> 00:17:14,221 "Oh! Finally, a movie. Let's watch it together. " 384 00:17:14,331 --> 00:17:15,889 That's the beauty of movies, by the way. 385 00:17:15,999 --> 00:17:17,762 You go in there and you don't have to talk to each other. 386 00:17:17,867 --> 00:17:19,698 And it's fun. You could stare at the screen. 387 00:17:20,103 --> 00:17:23,664 And, "Maybe we don't hate each other 'cause we both like this movie. 388 00:17:23,773 --> 00:17:24,762 (LAUGHS) 389 00:17:24,874 --> 00:17:27,468 "We are connecting on that. 390 00:17:28,011 --> 00:17:30,707 "Hey, we're still together. 391 00:17:30,814 --> 00:17:33,783 "All these years later, we still love each other, right? 392 00:17:33,883 --> 00:17:37,444 "During the movie, yes. When the movie's over, 'You fucking bitch. 393 00:17:38,788 --> 00:17:43,088 "'Why am I still with you? We have nothing in common. 394 00:17:43,193 --> 00:17:45,058 "'Something's missing. "' 395 00:17:45,195 --> 00:17:47,425 Anyways, I have no religion. 396 00:17:47,530 --> 00:17:49,521 My parents did not believe in God. 397 00:17:49,633 --> 00:17:51,260 That was great. They passed that along. 398 00:17:51,368 --> 00:17:52,460 I didn't even have a fucking choice. 399 00:17:52,569 --> 00:17:55,197 They were like, "Nope, don't do it. " 400 00:17:55,305 --> 00:17:57,739 "Really? So, when Grandpa dies he goes to heaven?" 401 00:17:57,841 --> 00:18:00,275 "Nope, he'll be in the ground. " 402 00:18:00,377 --> 00:18:02,572 "Thanks, Dad. Should I sleep now? 'Cause I... 403 00:18:02,679 --> 00:18:04,408 "There's no way I'll have a nightmare tonight. " 404 00:18:04,514 --> 00:18:07,347 (EXCLAIMS) "Fuck you. I don't believe in nightmares, either. 405 00:18:07,984 --> 00:18:09,383 "Fags have nightmares. 406 00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:12,945 "If there was a God, why would there be a Holocaust? Go to bed, Son. 407 00:18:14,674 --> 00:18:15,402 "Pleasant dreams. " 408 00:18:15,507 --> 00:18:16,474 Simmons is getting a little dark. 409 00:18:16,575 --> 00:18:17,735 What is he doing? 410 00:18:17,843 --> 00:18:19,071 (EXHALES) 411 00:18:19,711 --> 00:18:22,271 (SOFTLY) When you hear the waitress's footsteps 412 00:18:23,215 --> 00:18:27,481 that's when you know you're not doing well. 413 00:18:29,288 --> 00:18:30,516 (SIGHS) 414 00:18:31,423 --> 00:18:33,323 Oh, boy, it's quiet in here. 415 00:18:36,995 --> 00:18:38,087 You hear that? 416 00:18:40,899 --> 00:18:43,026 I think I can hear the freeway. 417 00:18:44,369 --> 00:18:46,337 Hello! I'm Ira Wright. 418 00:18:47,539 --> 00:18:50,940 I'm not good-looking and I'm not bad-looking. 419 00:18:51,043 --> 00:18:52,476 I'm kind of right in the middle. 420 00:18:52,578 --> 00:18:54,978 So, like, if I had a good personality, 421 00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:57,014 that might make it so girls really liked me, 422 00:18:57,115 --> 00:18:59,083 but I don't. So... 423 00:18:59,418 --> 00:19:01,113 Um... Uh... 424 00:19:02,454 --> 00:19:05,116 Okay. George Simmons. Wow. 425 00:19:05,824 --> 00:19:07,257 Now what do we do? 426 00:19:07,826 --> 00:19:10,727 He seems unhappy with his money. Give it to me, I'll... 427 00:19:10,829 --> 00:19:13,389 I could really spend that. 428 00:19:13,932 --> 00:19:15,297 (PEOPLE LAUGHlNG) 429 00:19:15,567 --> 00:19:17,558 If he's depressed with his life, I don't know what I'm gonna do. 430 00:19:17,669 --> 00:19:19,864 I live on my friend's pull-out couch. 431 00:19:20,939 --> 00:19:22,998 So, anyway, I... Wait, did you hear that? 432 00:19:23,108 --> 00:19:26,441 Yeah, George Simmons just shot himself in the face backstage. 433 00:19:26,545 --> 00:19:28,843 It's sad knowing MerMan's crying inside. 434 00:19:29,114 --> 00:19:30,274 Uh-oh! 435 00:19:30,682 --> 00:19:32,912 Is he organizing a mass suicide? Is that where you're going? 436 00:19:33,018 --> 00:19:34,576 Are you joining him? 437 00:19:34,686 --> 00:19:37,246 Save some Kool-Aid for me. Just do it. 438 00:19:37,689 --> 00:19:41,523 Don't worry, the next guy who's coming out has a dove hidden up his asshole, so... 439 00:19:41,627 --> 00:19:43,720 And then Robin Williams is gonna slit his wrists out here. 440 00:19:43,829 --> 00:19:45,160 So, that's nice, also. 441 00:19:45,764 --> 00:19:49,063 I am Ira Wright, everybody. Thank you, very much. Have a good night. 442 00:19:49,167 --> 00:19:50,930 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 443 00:19:53,005 --> 00:19:53,994 (SlGHS) 444 00:19:54,106 --> 00:19:55,505 Give me a break. 445 00:20:01,547 --> 00:20:03,708 Yo! Hey! Hey! 446 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:09,919 This fucking guy. 447 00:20:11,890 --> 00:20:13,118 What's up? 448 00:20:13,225 --> 00:20:16,251 Hey. I'm sorry. 449 00:20:17,095 --> 00:20:20,223 I'm parked right on the other side of you and I can't get in. 450 00:20:20,332 --> 00:20:22,800 What, you come here to make some jokes to my face now? 451 00:20:22,901 --> 00:20:24,300 You're hard to follow. I didn't know what to say. 452 00:20:24,403 --> 00:20:25,734 I'm sorry about that. No, don't be. 453 00:20:26,038 --> 00:20:28,598 I would've done the same. You had to comment on it. 454 00:20:30,008 --> 00:20:32,101 Yeah, you had some funny shit. 455 00:20:32,210 --> 00:20:33,234 You're a good writer. 456 00:20:33,345 --> 00:20:34,312 Thank you. 457 00:20:35,547 --> 00:20:39,415 Your friend... Is that your friend? The fatter version of you? 458 00:20:39,518 --> 00:20:41,748 He's my roommate. Yeah, he's really funny. 459 00:20:41,853 --> 00:20:44,321 You got good stuff. You're gonna be all right. 460 00:20:44,823 --> 00:20:46,791 Wow, that is so nice of you to say, man. 461 00:20:46,892 --> 00:20:48,382 That's so... I appreciate it. Hey! 462 00:20:48,493 --> 00:20:50,791 You know, well, I've been a really big fan of yours. All of us. 463 00:20:50,896 --> 00:20:53,330 We kind of grew up on your shit and, you know, incidentally. 464 00:20:53,432 --> 00:20:55,900 So, that's so nice of you to say, man. Thanks. 465 00:20:57,502 --> 00:20:58,662 Thank you! 466 00:20:59,905 --> 00:21:01,031 Nice to meet you, man! 467 00:21:01,139 --> 00:21:02,128 (ENGlNE REVVlNG) 468 00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:04,299 You're gonna die! 469 00:21:06,345 --> 00:21:08,870 And I'm gonna kill you! 470 00:21:09,114 --> 00:21:10,445 (LAUGHlNG) 471 00:21:10,716 --> 00:21:12,581 (BREATHES DEEPLY) 472 00:21:12,684 --> 00:21:14,481 Man, that was awesome. 473 00:21:14,953 --> 00:21:16,853 (JAPANESE POP MUSIC PLAYING) 474 00:21:25,464 --> 00:21:26,431 LEO: Cats. 475 00:21:27,799 --> 00:21:29,460 Can you dig it? Mmm-hmm. 476 00:21:29,568 --> 00:21:30,830 Just a bunch of cats. 477 00:21:31,503 --> 00:21:32,936 Then me doing stuff. 478 00:21:33,538 --> 00:21:35,563 Then back to the cats doing stuff. 479 00:21:36,508 --> 00:21:39,636 You've gotten 700,000 hits in four days from this? 480 00:21:39,745 --> 00:21:43,613 Yep. If you put "cute kitten" in the title of your YouTube video, 481 00:21:43,715 --> 00:21:45,182 you're gonna get a million hits. Mmm-hmm. 482 00:21:45,283 --> 00:21:46,807 And then I link that to my website 483 00:21:46,918 --> 00:21:49,443 and you can see my stand-up on my website. It's genius. 484 00:21:49,554 --> 00:21:52,523 Why don't you just call it like, "Megan Fox Blows Someone"? 485 00:21:52,624 --> 00:21:54,990 And then more people would google that. 486 00:21:55,093 --> 00:21:58,153 Hi. I've got two girls coming over here in a little bit. 487 00:21:58,263 --> 00:22:00,697 Can you fold up your bed, please, into the couch? 488 00:22:00,799 --> 00:22:02,767 I don't want the place to look like a mess when they get here. 489 00:22:02,868 --> 00:22:03,835 Okay, I'm sorry. I was watching this thing. 490 00:22:03,935 --> 00:22:04,902 (PHONE RlNGlNG) 491 00:22:05,003 --> 00:22:06,265 MARK: All right? Okay. 492 00:22:08,940 --> 00:22:10,100 Hello? 493 00:22:10,542 --> 00:22:12,169 Hey, this is George Simmons. 494 00:22:12,611 --> 00:22:13,600 (LAUGHS) 495 00:22:13,712 --> 00:22:15,771 Fuck you, Craig. What's happening, man? 496 00:22:15,881 --> 00:22:18,873 It's not your dumb-ass friend Craig. It's George Simmons. 497 00:22:20,252 --> 00:22:21,241 Oh! 498 00:22:21,353 --> 00:22:24,151 I'm sorry. Hey. Hey, how's it going, man? 499 00:22:24,256 --> 00:22:27,225 Hey, hey, good job last night. You guys were pretty funny. 500 00:22:27,325 --> 00:22:30,294 You and the triple-XL version of you. 501 00:22:30,862 --> 00:22:34,662 Oh. Yeah. Thank... Thank you. That's... I... Well, I appreciate that. 502 00:22:34,766 --> 00:22:36,825 You guys are all right. Good job. I... 503 00:22:37,202 --> 00:22:40,694 I'm doing this corporate gig for MySpace 504 00:22:41,273 --> 00:22:44,367 and I'm gonna need some jokes and shit. 505 00:22:44,476 --> 00:22:47,070 I was thinking maybe you guys would want to write me some. 506 00:22:49,114 --> 00:22:52,709 You know, he's kind of a flaky guy, but I'm... 507 00:22:52,818 --> 00:22:54,183 I've got nothing going on, man. 508 00:22:54,286 --> 00:22:57,653 I would... I'd love to do that. Sure. Totally. I'm in. 509 00:22:58,123 --> 00:22:59,317 What kind of jokes do you need? 510 00:22:59,725 --> 00:23:02,819 Just shit about them or computers or whatever they like. 511 00:23:02,928 --> 00:23:05,988 When you sprinkle a little lemon there, they get excited, you know. 512 00:23:06,131 --> 00:23:07,996 That's no problem. That makes sense. 513 00:23:08,100 --> 00:23:10,364 So, you want to be held accountable, come watch me do them tomorrow? 514 00:23:10,469 --> 00:23:11,902 I'll take you to the gig. Okay, cool, yeah. 515 00:23:12,003 --> 00:23:14,639 How should l... How should l... How should I get them to you? 516 00:23:14,639 --> 00:23:14,661 How should l... How should l... How should I get them to you? 517 00:23:15,574 --> 00:23:18,304 I can give you my fax number and my e-mail. 518 00:23:18,410 --> 00:23:19,502 What's your e-mail? 519 00:23:19,611 --> 00:23:21,806 My e-mail? 520 00:23:21,913 --> 00:23:28,148 It's irasexira@yahoo.com. 521 00:23:30,455 --> 00:23:32,923 Wow. I'm just... I'm starting to reconsider asking you. 522 00:23:33,024 --> 00:23:35,390 Don't do that. It's from high school. It was funny then. 523 00:23:35,494 --> 00:23:36,791 Yeah, you should change it. 524 00:23:36,895 --> 00:23:38,624 It's, like, 13 years old. Okay, I will. 525 00:23:38,730 --> 00:23:39,992 I mean change it now. 526 00:23:40,098 --> 00:23:42,225 Okay, I'll change it, I'll change it ASAP. 527 00:23:43,301 --> 00:23:44,996 Okay, don't say "ASAP," either. 528 00:23:45,103 --> 00:23:48,937 And don't say "I'm chilling" or "It's all good" or any of that stuff. 529 00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:52,066 Okay, I don't. I don't chill anyway, so I won't. 530 00:23:52,177 --> 00:23:54,372 And it's not all good, so don't worry. 531 00:23:54,479 --> 00:23:55,969 Okay, lra. Okay. 532 00:23:56,114 --> 00:23:57,843 All right, lra. 533 00:23:57,949 --> 00:23:59,416 (LAUGHING) 534 00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:04,785 Guys, that was George Simmons on the phone. 535 00:24:04,890 --> 00:24:06,289 He saw me do stand-up. 536 00:24:06,391 --> 00:24:08,757 He thinks I'm funny! He wants me to write jokes for him! 537 00:24:08,860 --> 00:24:10,327 What? Yep! 538 00:24:10,862 --> 00:24:11,829 Why? 539 00:24:11,930 --> 00:24:13,420 Why? He thinks I'm funny! 540 00:24:13,532 --> 00:24:15,022 This doesn't make any sense at all. 541 00:24:15,133 --> 00:24:16,100 No? 542 00:24:16,635 --> 00:24:18,296 Jeez, I gotta get started. 543 00:24:19,604 --> 00:24:20,571 What is happening? 544 00:24:20,672 --> 00:24:21,866 You forgot about the bed! 545 00:24:24,476 --> 00:24:27,001 Friends. Friends on MySpace. Nerds. 546 00:24:27,112 --> 00:24:29,580 Nerds... Nerds have no friends in real life. 547 00:24:29,681 --> 00:24:33,139 The more friends on MySpace, the less friends you have in real life. 548 00:24:33,251 --> 00:24:35,185 "How does the softball team at MySpace work? 549 00:24:35,287 --> 00:24:38,120 "Does everyone get picked last?" That could be funny. 550 00:24:38,223 --> 00:24:40,657 At some point, you should have George say, "Fuck Facebook!" 551 00:24:40,759 --> 00:24:42,386 "Fuck Facebook in the face!" 552 00:24:42,494 --> 00:24:43,722 (BOTH LAUGH) 553 00:24:43,829 --> 00:24:47,663 So, like, that's funny. All right, tell George I wrote that, okay? 554 00:24:47,766 --> 00:24:48,755 Totally. Totally, man. You gotta be like, 555 00:24:48,867 --> 00:24:50,459 "Leo wrote that." Yeah, no, no, no, totally. 556 00:25:04,449 --> 00:25:06,110 Hey, lra, I think this is him! 557 00:25:09,187 --> 00:25:10,154 (CHUCKLES) 558 00:25:10,255 --> 00:25:11,654 He's got a limo! 559 00:25:11,756 --> 00:25:12,745 Can we go out and meet him? 560 00:25:12,858 --> 00:25:13,984 No, no, no. You can't say hi to him. 561 00:25:14,092 --> 00:25:16,026 Just let me get in with him a little more 562 00:25:16,127 --> 00:25:17,389 before I introduce people to him. 563 00:25:17,495 --> 00:25:18,894 Don't kiss his ass too hard, all right? 564 00:25:18,997 --> 00:25:21,090 Stars hate it when you kiss their ass too hard. 565 00:25:21,199 --> 00:25:23,030 I hate it when people kiss my ass too hard. You do? 566 00:25:23,134 --> 00:25:24,431 You hate it when people kiss your ass too hard? 567 00:25:24,536 --> 00:25:25,833 I hate it. 568 00:25:34,045 --> 00:25:35,012 Man! 569 00:25:35,113 --> 00:25:37,911 Hey. I feel like we're going to prom. 570 00:25:38,016 --> 00:25:41,543 Okay, well, we're not. Okay, let's hit it! 571 00:25:43,355 --> 00:25:45,084 This is good. I like this one 572 00:25:45,190 --> 00:25:48,921 about the guy from MySpace and the guy from Craigslist getting into a fight. 573 00:25:49,027 --> 00:25:50,187 That's funny. 574 00:25:50,295 --> 00:25:51,694 You're excited. 575 00:25:51,796 --> 00:25:52,763 I am excited. 576 00:25:52,864 --> 00:25:53,990 Yeah, that's good. It's good to be excited. 577 00:25:54,099 --> 00:25:55,327 I used to be excited. 578 00:25:55,433 --> 00:25:57,594 Well, it's awesome. It's exciting. 579 00:25:58,036 --> 00:26:00,027 (SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYlNG) 580 00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:02,971 (EXCLAlMS) 581 00:26:03,408 --> 00:26:05,035 (PEOPLE CHEERING) 582 00:26:05,176 --> 00:26:06,575 Wow! 583 00:26:14,719 --> 00:26:15,981 GEORGE: Thank you! 584 00:26:26,698 --> 00:26:27,824 Yeah! 585 00:26:29,434 --> 00:26:31,834 Brought the nice legs with you. Good job. 586 00:26:31,937 --> 00:26:33,564 Hello, hello. Good to see you, sir. 587 00:26:33,672 --> 00:26:34,934 Welcome aboard. Thank you. 588 00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:36,029 The name's Dave. Hi, Dave. 589 00:26:36,141 --> 00:26:37,165 We may hit a few bumps up there, 590 00:26:37,275 --> 00:26:38,469 nothing too crazy. We'll get you there. 591 00:26:38,576 --> 00:26:39,565 Okay, cool! All right. 592 00:26:39,678 --> 00:26:41,612 Hope you enjoy Chinese food. I love it! 593 00:26:41,713 --> 00:26:43,613 Very good. Enjoy your flight. Thank you. 594 00:26:44,482 --> 00:26:45,449 Wow! 595 00:26:50,588 --> 00:26:52,715 You guys were a little late, so we had to put up James Taylor first. 596 00:26:52,824 --> 00:26:55,759 Karen, she's a silver sun 597 00:26:55,860 --> 00:26:59,421 You'd best walk her way and watch it shine 598 00:27:00,665 --> 00:27:03,964 Watch her watch the morning come 599 00:27:06,571 --> 00:27:13,204 A silver tear appearing now that I'm cryin', ain't I 600 00:27:13,678 --> 00:27:18,115 I'm going to Carolina in my mind 601 00:27:18,216 --> 00:27:19,410 How'd you guys get him? 602 00:27:19,517 --> 00:27:20,643 Everybody's got their price. 603 00:27:20,752 --> 00:27:23,277 Last year, we had Roger Waters doing Dark Side of the Moon. 604 00:27:24,356 --> 00:27:26,950 That love's the finest thing around... 605 00:27:27,092 --> 00:27:30,061 Okay, I thought it could be funny if you just go, 606 00:27:30,161 --> 00:27:32,095 "Fuck Facebook in the face!" 607 00:27:32,197 --> 00:27:34,825 All right. Hey, you do five minutes before I go up there. 608 00:27:35,533 --> 00:27:38,900 What? No. No, I can't follow Fire and Rain. Are you kidding me, man? 609 00:27:39,004 --> 00:27:41,199 I can't follow it, either. That's why you're going up there. 610 00:27:41,773 --> 00:27:48,645 Oh, yeah 611 00:27:52,450 --> 00:27:54,179 Thank you, MySpace! 612 00:27:57,322 --> 00:27:58,755 Fuck Facebook! 613 00:27:58,857 --> 00:28:00,654 (ALL CHEERlNG LOUDLY) 614 00:28:01,426 --> 00:28:03,291 I can't believe that. He did the Facebook joke! 615 00:28:03,395 --> 00:28:05,056 (LAUGHlNG) Yeah! He did the Facebook... 616 00:28:05,163 --> 00:28:07,188 I can't follow this, man. I can't go on right now. 617 00:28:07,298 --> 00:28:10,995 Give me this shit. Get up there. Be a man. 618 00:28:13,104 --> 00:28:14,799 This is a pretty big room. 619 00:28:17,342 --> 00:28:18,331 Lot of people here. 620 00:28:19,961 --> 00:28:23,055 Let's have another round of applause for James Taylor, everybody. 621 00:28:30,171 --> 00:28:32,662 Yeah, do you actually use MySpace? 622 00:28:33,842 --> 00:28:36,743 No, no, no. I fuck girls, Tom. I don't have time for that. 623 00:28:37,512 --> 00:28:40,777 I wonder if Tom and Craig from Craigslist would ever get in a fight with each other. 624 00:28:40,882 --> 00:28:41,871 (AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG) 625 00:28:41,983 --> 00:28:44,611 Who would win that fight? That's what I want to know. 626 00:28:49,090 --> 00:28:51,183 Tom or Craig, who's tougher? 627 00:28:51,893 --> 00:28:55,056 Tom has more friends, so that's probably good. 628 00:28:55,163 --> 00:28:57,028 Craig has weirder friends, though. 629 00:28:57,132 --> 00:28:58,599 (AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG) 630 00:28:58,700 --> 00:29:02,534 Craig has friends that are willing to do a lot more for cash. I will say that. 631 00:29:08,910 --> 00:29:09,899 Eh? 632 00:29:10,011 --> 00:29:10,978 What the fuck was that all about? 633 00:29:11,079 --> 00:29:12,603 You did all the jokes you wrote for me. 634 00:29:12,714 --> 00:29:15,012 Oh, man, I know. I'm sorry. I panicked. It's all they wanted. 635 00:29:15,116 --> 00:29:16,515 They just wanted MySpace jokes. They didn't want... 636 00:29:16,618 --> 00:29:17,846 That's why I hired you to write me MySpace jokes. 637 00:29:17,952 --> 00:29:19,214 I know, I'm sorry. That one, I didn't tell that one. 638 00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:20,309 That one will work. 639 00:29:20,421 --> 00:29:21,388 I guarantee you. 640 00:29:21,489 --> 00:29:23,457 It better work. They're paying me 300 grand. 641 00:29:23,558 --> 00:29:25,321 TOM: Mr. George Simmons! Really? 642 00:29:29,631 --> 00:29:33,692 Thank you. Thank you. All right, Tom, thank you. 643 00:29:33,802 --> 00:29:37,397 Good evening, nerds! Yes! 644 00:29:37,505 --> 00:29:40,872 What about Ira, everybody? How'd you feel about Ira Wright? Yeah. 645 00:29:40,975 --> 00:29:42,670 That guy, man. 646 00:29:42,777 --> 00:29:46,372 He is such a fucking nerd, I can't believe he doesn't work with you people. 647 00:29:47,849 --> 00:29:51,080 Tom started MySpace just to get friends, I know it. 648 00:29:51,853 --> 00:29:53,844 So, they say the more friends you have on MySpace, 649 00:29:53,955 --> 00:29:57,857 the less friends you have in real life. You know? 650 00:29:57,959 --> 00:30:00,621 (IN HUSKY VOICE) "I have 100, 000 friends on MySpace! 651 00:30:01,196 --> 00:30:02,663 "Yes! 652 00:30:03,865 --> 00:30:07,733 "Isn't that great? I have so many friends on the computer. " 653 00:30:08,536 --> 00:30:09,503 "What are you doing tonight?" 654 00:30:09,604 --> 00:30:11,401 "I'll be on the computer. 655 00:30:12,273 --> 00:30:13,900 "That's what I do. " 656 00:30:17,645 --> 00:30:20,580 I hate the new generation of coolness out there. 657 00:30:20,682 --> 00:30:24,948 You just never get any information out of people you talk to, the youngsters. 658 00:30:25,053 --> 00:30:27,180 "Hey, what are you doing?" "Just chilling. " 659 00:30:27,689 --> 00:30:30,317 All right. I know, you're chilling. 660 00:30:31,392 --> 00:30:35,829 "What're you doing tonight?" "Things. " "Okay. " 661 00:30:35,930 --> 00:30:38,194 I like dumb people, you know. They like to talk to you. 662 00:30:38,299 --> 00:30:40,767 "Hey, what's going on?" "I like lollypops. " 663 00:30:40,869 --> 00:30:42,200 (AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG) 664 00:30:42,303 --> 00:30:43,270 "Good. " 665 00:30:46,808 --> 00:30:49,402 "My favorite color is butterscotch. " 666 00:30:50,411 --> 00:30:55,508 Do you ever get tired of singing the same songs, you know, over and over? 667 00:30:56,384 --> 00:30:59,080 Do you ever get tired of talking about your dick? 668 00:31:00,188 --> 00:31:02,622 Yeah, I don't like... I don't like blowjobs very much. 669 00:31:02,724 --> 00:31:04,487 I don't like... A lot of guys like the blowjobs, 670 00:31:04,592 --> 00:31:08,119 I don't love them. I never know what to do with my hands. You know? 671 00:31:08,229 --> 00:31:10,026 I'm always like... 672 00:31:10,632 --> 00:31:12,395 (AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG) 673 00:31:12,500 --> 00:31:16,960 You can either go hands on the hips or the salute is fun. 674 00:31:20,942 --> 00:31:22,409 Yeah, it's always shocking when a girl blows you. 675 00:31:22,510 --> 00:31:24,637 You're like, "Really? You want to do it? All right. " 676 00:31:25,213 --> 00:31:26,874 I got some advice for the ladies out there. 677 00:31:26,981 --> 00:31:31,384 When you are performing that act on a fellow don't ever say, 678 00:31:31,486 --> 00:31:34,546 "You know, you're the first guy I ever got the whole thing in my mouth. 679 00:31:34,656 --> 00:31:36,351 (AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG) 680 00:31:36,457 --> 00:31:41,690 "Normally, normally, I get, like, halfway down and I just start fucking choking, 681 00:31:42,196 --> 00:31:47,065 "but with you, I got a ball in my mouth! 682 00:31:47,268 --> 00:31:49,133 "That's never happened! 683 00:31:50,405 --> 00:31:56,071 "Look, I have him in my mouth right now, and I'm speaking perfectly clear. 684 00:31:57,679 --> 00:31:59,772 "Normally I have a stutter. " 685 00:32:01,649 --> 00:32:04,641 That wasn't a pee, that was a shit. That took too long. 686 00:32:04,752 --> 00:32:06,743 Here's 1,000 bucks. Good job. 687 00:32:06,854 --> 00:32:08,617 Thank you so much, man. 688 00:32:08,723 --> 00:32:10,953 I've never made this much money doing anything, man. Thank you. 689 00:32:11,059 --> 00:32:14,358 Good. I'm thinking about doing a lot more stand-up. 690 00:32:14,462 --> 00:32:15,429 Okay. 691 00:32:15,530 --> 00:32:17,794 And my assistant got pregnant. 692 00:32:17,899 --> 00:32:20,231 I didn't even know she... I thought she was a fucking lesbian 693 00:32:20,335 --> 00:32:21,302 the whole time, but... 694 00:32:21,402 --> 00:32:22,630 They can get pregnant, too. 695 00:32:23,771 --> 00:32:25,136 That's nice. That's very nice. Yeah. 696 00:32:25,239 --> 00:32:28,731 So, you want to kind of assist me, you know? 697 00:32:28,843 --> 00:32:29,935 Yeah! Yeah. I mean, not, not... 698 00:32:30,044 --> 00:32:31,272 I mean, you can write jokes for me, too, 699 00:32:31,379 --> 00:32:32,368 but get me sodas... 700 00:32:32,480 --> 00:32:33,447 Whatever you need, man! 701 00:32:33,548 --> 00:32:35,209 ...and, like, clean my shit up and... Yeah. 702 00:32:35,316 --> 00:32:36,806 How much money you make now? 703 00:32:36,918 --> 00:32:38,351 It depends on how many hours. 704 00:32:38,453 --> 00:32:39,715 Usually, I can get about... 705 00:32:39,821 --> 00:32:41,550 I'll give you 1,500 bucks a week. 706 00:32:41,656 --> 00:32:43,283 That's amazing, man. Thank you so much. 707 00:32:43,391 --> 00:32:44,790 You want to fuck these two girls? 708 00:32:46,294 --> 00:32:48,762 Hey, the JT. 709 00:32:49,397 --> 00:32:51,024 George. That was the best. You killed them. 710 00:32:51,132 --> 00:32:52,099 Ira. 711 00:32:52,200 --> 00:32:54,361 Hello. Yes, Mr. Taylor. Yes, hello. 712 00:32:54,769 --> 00:32:55,793 You wanna fuck these girls? 713 00:32:55,903 --> 00:32:59,999 I filled my quota in 1982, I believe. 714 00:33:00,108 --> 00:33:01,234 All right, I'll have to figure this shit out. 715 00:33:01,342 --> 00:33:02,331 I know those girls. 716 00:33:02,443 --> 00:33:04,138 You do? Do you want to meet those girls? 717 00:33:04,245 --> 00:33:06,770 Will you fucking settle down? Yeah, talk to them. Be gentle. 718 00:33:06,981 --> 00:33:10,109 You're twitching like a fucking madman. That guy in porno? 719 00:33:10,618 --> 00:33:12,176 No. I would know. No? 720 00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:17,974 Mandy. Well, hi there. 721 00:33:18,075 --> 00:33:20,100 You're still swimming? Get the fuck out of there. 722 00:33:20,210 --> 00:33:21,905 I'm ready for you. 723 00:33:22,012 --> 00:33:23,343 Yeah. Oh, my God. 724 00:33:25,749 --> 00:33:27,546 Oh, God. Feel that stomach. Oh. Yeah. 725 00:33:27,651 --> 00:33:29,175 I like that thing. Good. Well, go for it. 726 00:33:29,286 --> 00:33:30,719 It's hard. Bam! 727 00:33:30,954 --> 00:33:31,921 (EXCLAlMlNG) 728 00:33:33,424 --> 00:33:34,721 MANDY: This house is crazy. 729 00:33:34,825 --> 00:33:36,087 GEORGE: Oh, yeah, you got to see the whole thing. 730 00:33:36,193 --> 00:33:37,922 Come here. It came furnished. 731 00:33:38,028 --> 00:33:39,017 Really? 732 00:33:39,129 --> 00:33:40,096 (GEORGE MOANlNG) 733 00:33:40,197 --> 00:33:43,428 GEORGE: That's my man, lra. He wrote a lot of good jokes for me there, honey. 734 00:33:43,534 --> 00:33:46,332 Make sure he shows you his cock. It's very, very thick. 735 00:33:46,437 --> 00:33:47,426 (BOTH LAUGHlNG) 736 00:33:47,538 --> 00:33:49,005 See you, George. 737 00:33:54,712 --> 00:33:57,203 Hey, wanna have a contest to see who can hold their breath the longest? 738 00:33:57,314 --> 00:33:58,508 (GASPS) 739 00:34:07,091 --> 00:34:08,285 (SPlTS) 740 00:34:10,227 --> 00:34:11,854 You didn't go under. 741 00:34:13,630 --> 00:34:15,962 Nothing's gonna happen between us. 742 00:34:18,168 --> 00:34:20,932 I can't believe I'm having sex with George Simmons. 743 00:34:21,205 --> 00:34:23,469 Yeah, he can't believe it, either. 744 00:34:23,807 --> 00:34:26,207 My dad loves your movies. 745 00:34:26,310 --> 00:34:29,939 Yeah, that's the best when you talk about your dad. 746 00:34:30,047 --> 00:34:31,105 (MOANlNG) 747 00:34:32,916 --> 00:34:34,713 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 748 00:34:38,689 --> 00:34:41,249 Dad, this won't bring Mom back! 749 00:34:41,358 --> 00:34:44,350 I have nothing else! 750 00:34:44,461 --> 00:34:47,225 BOY: You're a champion, Dad! You're a champion! 751 00:34:53,203 --> 00:34:54,966 Oh! You're still here. 752 00:34:56,206 --> 00:34:57,764 I know that asshole. 753 00:34:58,909 --> 00:35:00,774 You two were just fucking, huh? How'd that go? 754 00:35:00,878 --> 00:35:04,143 No, I have a boyfriend. We already talked about it. 755 00:35:04,448 --> 00:35:06,006 Yeah. John. Yeah. 756 00:35:06,550 --> 00:35:09,110 Your friend took off. She thought you left, so... 757 00:35:09,219 --> 00:35:10,186 Really? 758 00:35:10,287 --> 00:35:11,515 That's what happens in a big house. 759 00:35:11,622 --> 00:35:12,919 It's called "the big house problem." 760 00:35:13,023 --> 00:35:15,617 Your friend actually left her purse down the hall. 761 00:35:15,726 --> 00:35:17,159 You want to go get it with me? 762 00:35:17,261 --> 00:35:18,228 Oh. Okay. 763 00:35:20,230 --> 00:35:21,561 (MUMBLlNG) 764 00:35:23,534 --> 00:35:25,195 Don't you leave on me, lra. 765 00:35:25,736 --> 00:35:26,896 Fuck me like MerMan! 766 00:35:27,004 --> 00:35:30,303 Come on! Do MerMan! Do the MerMan call! 767 00:35:30,674 --> 00:35:31,641 Come on! 768 00:35:31,742 --> 00:35:34,643 (WHOOPlNG) Oh, yeah! Yeah! Oh, God! 769 00:35:39,716 --> 00:35:41,081 Hey. Oh. Hey. 770 00:35:41,685 --> 00:35:43,778 Sorry about the chick, man. I... 771 00:35:43,887 --> 00:35:46,287 You weren't getting it done, so something had to happen. 772 00:35:46,390 --> 00:35:48,449 Oh, that's... No, she... I wasn't even trying. 773 00:35:48,559 --> 00:35:50,288 She told me she had a boyfriend. 774 00:35:50,694 --> 00:35:53,288 Oh, yeah. She told me she had a boyfriend, too. 775 00:35:53,397 --> 00:35:56,161 (SlNGlNG) When she was sucking my cock! 776 00:35:56,266 --> 00:35:57,494 (GAGGlNG) 777 00:35:57,901 --> 00:35:59,232 (RETCHlNG) 778 00:36:00,737 --> 00:36:02,728 What the fuck are you doing with that big dick of yours? 779 00:36:02,840 --> 00:36:06,003 You gotta use it! You gotta share Thickie with the world. 780 00:36:06,109 --> 00:36:07,770 I don't... It's normal. 781 00:36:07,878 --> 00:36:11,211 You want to go upstairs, man? Talk to me while I try to fall asleep? 782 00:36:12,149 --> 00:36:14,617 Okay, if... Yeah, if that's what you want me to do. 783 00:36:15,686 --> 00:36:19,986 Yeah, yeah. Sit down, man. That was a fun night. 784 00:36:20,557 --> 00:36:21,546 That was a good night. 785 00:36:21,658 --> 00:36:22,625 Yeah, that was crazy. 786 00:36:22,726 --> 00:36:23,693 Yeah. 787 00:36:23,794 --> 00:36:26,558 So, you slept with both those girls, man. 788 00:36:27,497 --> 00:36:28,657 How did you do that? 789 00:36:29,166 --> 00:36:30,861 How did I do that? There's this... 790 00:36:30,968 --> 00:36:34,927 Girls like famous guys. It's a story for them, I guess. I don't know. 791 00:36:35,038 --> 00:36:36,733 I take advantage of it, though. 792 00:36:36,840 --> 00:36:38,933 Believe me, they always leave disappointed. 793 00:36:39,543 --> 00:36:41,477 (YAWNlNG) That's amazing. 794 00:36:43,780 --> 00:36:46,442 Yeah, yeah, so let me hear about this name, lra Wright. 795 00:36:46,550 --> 00:36:48,415 That's not your real name, right? 796 00:36:49,086 --> 00:36:50,212 How could you tell? 797 00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:51,344 (CHUCKLES) 798 00:36:51,455 --> 00:36:53,480 You're hiding some Judaism. 799 00:36:53,590 --> 00:36:55,455 No, my real last name is Wiener. 800 00:36:55,559 --> 00:36:57,288 It's lra Wiener and everyone... 801 00:36:57,394 --> 00:37:01,330 It's spelled the same as "wiener" and I just got tired of correcting people. 802 00:37:01,431 --> 00:37:03,729 So, that's what led you to the path of comedy. 803 00:37:03,834 --> 00:37:06,894 Being humiliated every day. First day of school, 804 00:37:07,004 --> 00:37:08,995 (lN FEMALE VOlCE) "ls lra Wiener here?" 805 00:37:09,106 --> 00:37:10,073 And you were in the back. 806 00:37:10,173 --> 00:37:13,734 (lN KlD'S VOlCE) "Wiener. My name's Wiener." 807 00:37:13,844 --> 00:37:16,244 You little fruit. What were your parents like? 808 00:37:16,346 --> 00:37:19,315 What are the older "Wieners" or Wieners like? 809 00:37:20,317 --> 00:37:21,341 My parents are divorced. 810 00:37:21,451 --> 00:37:26,286 They hate each other. My mother thinks my father's the devil. 811 00:37:27,624 --> 00:37:29,785 I don't know what that makes me, technically, but... 812 00:37:30,227 --> 00:37:32,320 So, you'll never be as funny as me. 813 00:37:32,429 --> 00:37:33,418 Why not? 814 00:37:33,530 --> 00:37:36,522 Your generation has the divorces, which is cute-funny, 815 00:37:36,633 --> 00:37:42,196 but my generation has the, "Oh, my God, my father's about to hit me with a bat!" 816 00:37:43,373 --> 00:37:48,811 I just... You gotta break out the funny a lot quicker than your little faggy childhood. 817 00:37:48,912 --> 00:37:50,140 (YAWNlNG) 818 00:37:50,847 --> 00:37:52,371 Are you serious? 819 00:37:52,482 --> 00:37:55,883 I spent my whole childhood trying to make my father laugh. 820 00:37:56,553 --> 00:37:59,386 I still haven't succeeded, but we'll get there. 821 00:38:04,962 --> 00:38:08,728 Don't bail on me yet. Keep it coming. 822 00:38:09,466 --> 00:38:11,491 When's the first time you fingered a girl? 823 00:38:11,601 --> 00:38:14,866 I was at summer camp, Jewish summer camp, on the sports field. 824 00:38:17,641 --> 00:38:22,374 And her name was Sharon Mizrahi. 825 00:38:23,146 --> 00:38:26,377 I didn't know what to do. I got really scared. 826 00:38:26,483 --> 00:38:30,214 She reached down and grabbed my penis really hard, 827 00:38:30,320 --> 00:38:32,151 Iike she was just trying to murder it. 828 00:38:42,466 --> 00:38:43,797 Morning. Yeah, baby. 829 00:38:43,900 --> 00:38:46,767 It took me three hours, but I think I found your kitchen. 830 00:38:47,270 --> 00:38:49,067 Am I in the bathroom still? Is that it? 831 00:38:49,172 --> 00:38:51,538 No, no. You're good. You're safe. 832 00:38:51,675 --> 00:38:52,642 What do you got there? 833 00:38:52,743 --> 00:38:54,904 This is medicine, lra. I'm sick. 834 00:38:55,012 --> 00:38:57,674 One of those girls have chlamydia? I thought she smelled funny. 835 00:38:57,781 --> 00:38:59,408 Is that what it is? Yeah. 836 00:38:59,950 --> 00:39:04,978 I have a weird blood disease. AML. It's a form of leukemia. 837 00:39:05,722 --> 00:39:08,418 This is experimental medicine from Canada. 838 00:39:09,159 --> 00:39:14,119 There's an 8% chance of it working. So, fuck me. 839 00:39:14,564 --> 00:39:16,930 Well, that's not true 'cause if it was, 840 00:39:17,034 --> 00:39:18,661 I would've read about it or heard about that. 841 00:39:18,769 --> 00:39:19,861 You didn't hear about it because 842 00:39:19,970 --> 00:39:22,962 I didn't fucking run out and tell Entertainment Tonight. 843 00:39:23,073 --> 00:39:24,904 Well, why would you tell me? 844 00:39:25,008 --> 00:39:26,805 'Cause I don't really know you, lra. 845 00:39:26,910 --> 00:39:30,038 I think you're not gonna get too weird about this. 846 00:39:30,147 --> 00:39:33,480 I don't want to start getting treated like the guy who's gonna die. 847 00:39:33,784 --> 00:39:37,880 So, anyways, this shit's got a lot of caffeine in it. 848 00:39:37,988 --> 00:39:40,923 They say that's good for you. Let me take the medicine. 849 00:39:41,024 --> 00:39:42,548 Why are you telling me this, George? 850 00:39:42,659 --> 00:39:45,492 'Cause I want you to possibly do me a favor. 851 00:39:45,595 --> 00:39:46,789 Okay. Yeah. What? 852 00:39:47,597 --> 00:39:48,689 Kill me. 853 00:39:49,466 --> 00:39:50,433 What? 854 00:39:50,534 --> 00:39:51,660 Nobody knows we know each other. 855 00:39:51,768 --> 00:39:54,328 You're a stranger. You can get away with this. 856 00:39:54,438 --> 00:39:57,566 I got a gun in the other room. It's untraceable. 857 00:39:57,674 --> 00:40:00,666 I'll give you $50,000. 858 00:40:00,777 --> 00:40:06,807 Don't make me suffer. Please, kill me, lra. I'm begging you. 859 00:40:07,117 --> 00:40:09,108 Can you at least give me, like, a night to think about it? 860 00:40:09,219 --> 00:40:10,345 Ha! 861 00:40:10,454 --> 00:40:12,445 Think about it? You would do it! 862 00:40:12,556 --> 00:40:15,218 Oh, I hate you, man. Oh, no! 863 00:40:15,325 --> 00:40:20,991 Ira, I misread you. You're sick! You're a murderer! 864 00:40:21,098 --> 00:40:22,087 Screw you, man. 865 00:40:22,199 --> 00:40:23,188 You wanted to do it! 866 00:40:23,300 --> 00:40:25,791 What would you have done for $100,000? Chop my head off? 867 00:40:25,902 --> 00:40:27,369 You would still want to do it! 868 00:40:27,471 --> 00:40:29,200 That wasn't even good acting over there! 869 00:40:29,306 --> 00:40:30,603 What the fuck? That was good acting. 870 00:40:30,707 --> 00:40:32,698 Daniel Day-Lewis would've crushed that speech. 871 00:40:32,809 --> 00:40:35,403 I bought that, man. Wow! 872 00:40:35,512 --> 00:40:38,743 Ira, you don't have to kill me, but I am gonna die. 873 00:40:39,149 --> 00:40:40,980 George, look. Honestly, I'm like... Don't get close, lra. 874 00:40:41,084 --> 00:40:42,574 ...a really gullible guy. Don't do this. 875 00:40:42,686 --> 00:40:44,017 Look, my friends, they trick me all the time. 876 00:40:44,121 --> 00:40:45,782 One of my roommates told me he was Joe Pesci's son. 877 00:40:45,889 --> 00:40:48,380 I believed him for three years. I still get shit for it, 878 00:40:48,492 --> 00:40:50,426 so just, please, level with me, man. 879 00:40:50,527 --> 00:40:52,825 Are you serious? I am serious, lra. 880 00:40:53,363 --> 00:40:55,331 Don't tell anybody about this though, all right? 881 00:40:55,432 --> 00:40:56,990 I want it to be our secret. 882 00:40:57,100 --> 00:40:59,660 Now, you're gonna make me some eggs. Okay, murderer? 883 00:41:00,203 --> 00:41:01,170 (SOFTLY) Don't say that. 884 00:41:01,271 --> 00:41:03,171 Just try not to kill any of the staff 885 00:41:03,273 --> 00:41:05,969 while I'm gone, okay? They have families. 886 00:41:06,743 --> 00:41:08,301 IRA: Well, he actually tricked me first, but then he showed... 887 00:41:08,411 --> 00:41:09,605 I mean, he's taking medicine. 888 00:41:09,713 --> 00:41:12,204 He's getting this special medicine from Canada. 889 00:41:12,516 --> 00:41:14,381 MARK: Oh, my God, that's the saddest thing I've ever heard. 890 00:41:14,484 --> 00:41:18,011 Yeah. I think I'm the only person he's told. 891 00:41:18,121 --> 00:41:21,090 That's what he said. I mean, he's really... He likes me, in a weird... 892 00:41:21,224 --> 00:41:23,852 I think he's, like, taken a shine to me, you know. 893 00:41:23,960 --> 00:41:25,951 Not enough to let you in on that two-on-one. 894 00:41:26,062 --> 00:41:27,359 Come on, that's not appropriate. 895 00:41:27,464 --> 00:41:28,897 I don't want that anyway. 896 00:41:30,734 --> 00:41:32,725 IRA: I just don't know. I mean, it's... 897 00:41:32,836 --> 00:41:34,736 It's really scary. I've never even... 898 00:41:34,838 --> 00:41:37,136 I don't think I've known anyone who's, like, sick, 899 00:41:37,240 --> 00:41:39,708 you know, in like a major way before. I don't... I just... 900 00:41:39,809 --> 00:41:42,642 LEO: George Simmons. He's been around my whole life. 901 00:41:42,746 --> 00:41:44,714 It's like Snap, Crackle and Pop dying, you know? 902 00:41:44,814 --> 00:41:45,781 IRA: I know. 903 00:41:45,882 --> 00:41:47,474 Can we not talk about this right now? 904 00:41:47,751 --> 00:41:49,878 I'm not really good with the whole death thing. 905 00:41:49,986 --> 00:41:51,317 Is that all right? 906 00:41:51,421 --> 00:41:53,753 I need to talk about it, man. I work for this guy now. 907 00:41:53,857 --> 00:41:55,984 I can't... I mean, that's all I'm... It's all I'm thinking about. 908 00:41:56,092 --> 00:41:59,994 I'm gonna tell you this story that makes me feel all right with death. 909 00:42:00,931 --> 00:42:03,661 When I was younger, my grandfather died 910 00:42:03,767 --> 00:42:05,325 and we were all gathered around him 911 00:42:05,435 --> 00:42:08,632 and there was this one candle next to his bed. 912 00:42:08,738 --> 00:42:13,937 And right after he died, the candle started flickering and then it just went out. 913 00:42:14,411 --> 00:42:15,435 Wow. Yeah. 914 00:42:15,545 --> 00:42:18,309 And we looked around, and there were no windows. 915 00:42:18,882 --> 00:42:21,407 Like, nothing in that room. 916 00:42:22,152 --> 00:42:24,677 And it sounds crazy, but we all thought 917 00:42:24,788 --> 00:42:27,120 it was him going to heaven, you know? 918 00:42:27,224 --> 00:42:29,454 You don't pass through fire to get to heaven. 919 00:42:29,559 --> 00:42:30,526 I think he went to hell. 920 00:42:30,627 --> 00:42:31,616 (SCOFFS) 921 00:42:31,728 --> 00:42:33,286 What'd you just say? LEO: I just... 922 00:42:33,396 --> 00:42:35,091 I think your grandfather probably went to hell. 923 00:42:35,198 --> 00:42:37,132 Don't do it. Are you kidding me right now? 924 00:42:37,234 --> 00:42:38,826 I'm... I'm sorry to break it to you. 925 00:42:38,935 --> 00:42:40,061 You're gonna make fun of me right now, 926 00:42:40,170 --> 00:42:42,195 just after I opened up to you guys like that? 927 00:42:42,305 --> 00:42:44,000 It's not my fault your grandfather's in hell. 928 00:42:44,107 --> 00:42:45,165 It's not a big deal. Some grandpas go to hell. 929 00:42:46,760 --> 00:42:47,749 Come on. Don't be a jerk to me 930 00:42:47,861 --> 00:42:49,419 just because I make more money than you guys. 931 00:42:49,529 --> 00:42:50,496 How much do you make again? 932 00:42:50,597 --> 00:42:51,825 (LEO LAUGHlNG) 933 00:42:51,932 --> 00:42:54,901 You guys are just projecting all your hatred onto me. 934 00:42:55,001 --> 00:42:56,400 Okay, and don't be super bummed out 935 00:42:56,503 --> 00:42:59,404 'cause your grandfather's playing backgammon with Hitler right now. 936 00:42:59,506 --> 00:43:00,996 Shit, dude, don't. 937 00:43:01,141 --> 00:43:02,972 (GRUNGE MUSIC PLAYlNG) 938 00:43:04,711 --> 00:43:06,338 GEORGE: I gotta get rid of this stuff. 939 00:43:07,614 --> 00:43:10,139 Man, I don't know what I'm gonna do with it. 940 00:43:11,184 --> 00:43:13,709 The more money you make, the more free shit they give you. 941 00:43:13,820 --> 00:43:18,280 It makes no sense. I don't see any jet skiing in my near future. 942 00:43:18,391 --> 00:43:20,052 All this shit was free? 943 00:43:20,160 --> 00:43:21,127 You want a TV, lra? 944 00:43:21,227 --> 00:43:24,492 I got, like, three flat screens laying around in there somewhere. 945 00:43:24,598 --> 00:43:27,761 Sure, I can... Yeah, I can just take this stuff to Goodwill if you want or... 946 00:43:27,867 --> 00:43:30,597 You know what? Don't even worry about this stuff. Let's... 947 00:43:30,704 --> 00:43:33,104 I got some cars in storage you could sell for me 948 00:43:33,206 --> 00:43:35,231 and just give that money to charity. 949 00:43:35,342 --> 00:43:36,309 I can do that, yeah. 950 00:43:36,409 --> 00:43:37,433 I'm gonna write a list out for you, 951 00:43:37,544 --> 00:43:39,478 give you a bunch of things I want you to do. 952 00:43:39,579 --> 00:43:40,705 What size sneaker are you? 953 00:43:40,814 --> 00:43:41,781 Eleven and a half. 954 00:43:41,881 --> 00:43:44,975 (EXCLAlMS) You got that thick cock, don't you? I want to see that thing. 955 00:43:45,085 --> 00:43:46,780 Come on, pull the cock out. 956 00:43:46,886 --> 00:43:47,875 I'm not gonna show it to you. 957 00:43:47,988 --> 00:43:48,955 What the fuck's the matter with you? 958 00:43:49,055 --> 00:43:50,283 I'm not gonna do anything with it. 959 00:43:50,390 --> 00:43:52,255 I just want to know what I'm dealing with. 960 00:43:52,359 --> 00:43:53,417 If you give me an iPod. 961 00:43:53,526 --> 00:43:54,823 You asshole. 962 00:43:54,928 --> 00:43:56,361 All right, you can have anything in here, 963 00:43:56,463 --> 00:43:58,363 but you gotta take the MerMan poster. 964 00:43:58,465 --> 00:44:00,399 No, I want... I love MerMan! 965 00:44:00,500 --> 00:44:01,797 I knew you loved MerMan. 966 00:44:01,901 --> 00:44:03,835 You and five-year-olds love MerMan. 967 00:44:04,504 --> 00:44:05,698 It's a smart movie. 968 00:44:07,674 --> 00:44:12,134 So, which, specifically, of the cars belong to George Simmons? 969 00:44:12,779 --> 00:44:14,303 Which one? Yeah. 970 00:44:14,414 --> 00:44:15,608 All of them. 971 00:44:16,082 --> 00:44:17,413 All of them? Yeah. 972 00:44:17,517 --> 00:44:18,882 Well... 973 00:44:19,419 --> 00:44:21,387 How would I go about selling? 974 00:44:22,322 --> 00:44:23,880 Selling them? Yeah. 975 00:44:24,324 --> 00:44:27,054 Well, I don't know about selling them but I can make a few disappear. 976 00:44:27,160 --> 00:44:28,491 You know what I'm saying? 977 00:44:29,462 --> 00:44:30,793 I don't want to do that. 978 00:44:30,897 --> 00:44:32,865 I don't want to do that, either. 979 00:44:33,099 --> 00:44:34,532 Just kidding. 980 00:44:40,840 --> 00:44:43,604 DlRECTOR: Scene D is up! Let's go on a bell. Yo Teach...! 981 00:44:43,710 --> 00:44:44,699 (BUZZlNG) 982 00:44:44,811 --> 00:44:46,005 And action! 983 00:44:46,112 --> 00:44:48,012 All right now... Bradford! 984 00:44:48,114 --> 00:44:49,741 Yeah? What is this? 985 00:44:51,768 --> 00:44:53,030 Bo's English test. 986 00:44:53,135 --> 00:44:54,466 Well, there's a mistake. 987 00:44:55,404 --> 00:44:57,065 Well, yeah, there are lots of mistakes. 988 00:44:57,172 --> 00:44:58,799 That's why there's an F on it. 989 00:44:58,908 --> 00:45:02,400 PRlNClPAL: You know, if Bo doesn't pass, he can't play in the big game Friday. 990 00:45:02,511 --> 00:45:04,138 Either you make this right, 991 00:45:04,246 --> 00:45:09,081 or you'll be spending the summer teaching driver's ed. Honk, honk! 992 00:45:10,386 --> 00:45:11,614 Shit. 993 00:45:11,720 --> 00:45:13,017 I can't be a part of this. I'm not... 994 00:45:13,122 --> 00:45:14,350 Yeah. I'm gonna go. 995 00:45:15,758 --> 00:45:17,282 This is just so painful, though, isn't it? 996 00:45:17,393 --> 00:45:19,691 Yes, I want to kill myself. 997 00:45:20,596 --> 00:45:23,087 So, where are you from, originally? You just moved here, right? 998 00:45:23,198 --> 00:45:24,859 Yep. Delaware. 999 00:45:24,967 --> 00:45:27,868 Delaware! Our first state in the Union. 1000 00:45:27,970 --> 00:45:29,437 Yes, it is. 1001 00:45:29,738 --> 00:45:31,865 That's great. No sales tax in Delaware, right? 1002 00:45:31,974 --> 00:45:33,635 Yeah, there's not. That's weird. 1003 00:45:33,742 --> 00:45:35,642 You know so much about Delaware. 1004 00:45:35,744 --> 00:45:37,336 You fucking Joe Biden? 1005 00:45:37,446 --> 00:45:39,414 He's from Delaware. See? I knew that. 1006 00:45:40,516 --> 00:45:42,848 Bo, you're a smart kid. I've seen you rap. 1007 00:45:42,952 --> 00:45:44,078 Yeah! MARK: All right? 1008 00:45:44,186 --> 00:45:46,677 Now, I am willing to give you a makeup exam on this, all right? 1009 00:45:46,789 --> 00:45:48,051 Do you like music? 1010 00:45:48,157 --> 00:45:49,419 Did you just ask me if I liked music? 1011 00:45:49,525 --> 00:45:52,289 Yeah. That... I'm... I'm aware that that's a weird question. 1012 00:45:52,394 --> 00:45:54,157 It's like asking me if I like food. 1013 00:45:54,263 --> 00:45:56,254 That was my next question. 1014 00:45:56,498 --> 00:45:57,863 Yes. Good. 1015 00:45:57,967 --> 00:46:01,562 Wilco. Do you like Wilco? Wilco's playing at the Greek Theatre. 1016 00:46:01,670 --> 00:46:04,138 And I was just wondering if you maybe wanted to go with me. 1017 00:46:04,239 --> 00:46:06,503 Yeah. I'll go. I'd be into that. I like Wilco. 1018 00:46:06,609 --> 00:46:07,598 Great. 1019 00:46:07,710 --> 00:46:12,147 Okay, great, great. So, I guess we will go to the show together. 1020 00:46:12,247 --> 00:46:13,612 Not anymore. 1021 00:46:14,717 --> 00:46:15,945 You serious? 1022 00:46:16,819 --> 00:46:18,514 No, I'll go. Oh, okay. Thank you. 1023 00:46:18,621 --> 00:46:19,610 Just don't say that ever again. 1024 00:46:19,722 --> 00:46:20,689 Okay. I won't. 1025 00:46:20,789 --> 00:46:22,279 Yo, Teach! Yeah? 1026 00:46:23,359 --> 00:46:24,417 Thanks. 1027 00:46:25,027 --> 00:46:25,994 Word. 1028 00:46:26,595 --> 00:46:27,029 (SlNGlNG) Do-ra-mi, Wiener 1029 00:46:27,029 --> 00:46:32,661 (SlNGlNG) Do-ra-mi, Wiener 1030 00:46:32,768 --> 00:46:36,329 My name is Wiener 1031 00:46:36,939 --> 00:46:40,033 My name is Wiener My name is Wiener 1032 00:46:40,142 --> 00:46:41,837 Don't call me Wiener 1033 00:46:42,211 --> 00:46:45,510 Whatever. You got any jokes for me, dum-dum? 1034 00:46:45,614 --> 00:46:47,673 Got some good ones, I think, actually. 1035 00:46:48,050 --> 00:46:51,542 I have a thing about how, like, you're rich, you know, 1036 00:46:51,654 --> 00:46:52,780 and so you bought a private jet, 1037 00:46:52,888 --> 00:46:54,048 but you're afraid of flying, 1038 00:46:54,156 --> 00:46:55,123 so you just drive in it. 1039 00:46:55,224 --> 00:46:56,418 Oh, that's funny. 1040 00:46:56,525 --> 00:46:58,857 You just go to drive-throughs and car washes. 1041 00:46:58,961 --> 00:47:01,623 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll come up with the ending, but that was good. 1042 00:47:02,231 --> 00:47:05,792 I thought it could be funny about your balls, you know, about how, like, 1043 00:47:05,901 --> 00:47:09,337 you're getting older and you found the first gray hair on your balls. 1044 00:47:09,438 --> 00:47:11,668 And it really worried you, but then you realized it was good 1045 00:47:11,774 --> 00:47:14,140 'cause it made your balls look distinguished and smart. 1046 00:47:14,243 --> 00:47:17,701 Like, if you gave your balls a little tweed jacket with elbow pads and a little pipe, 1047 00:47:17,813 --> 00:47:21,943 your balls could be like a character Kevin Kline would play in a movie. 1048 00:47:22,051 --> 00:47:25,043 Yeah, that's funny, that's funny. I could do that. 1049 00:47:25,154 --> 00:47:26,178 What else you got? 1050 00:47:26,288 --> 00:47:29,917 Actually, this just kind of happened. 1051 00:47:30,993 --> 00:47:33,427 I'm making you an iTunes playlist. 1052 00:47:33,529 --> 00:47:35,463 For what? Sometimes, when I'm upset, 1053 00:47:35,564 --> 00:47:39,000 music makes me feel a little better, so I thought maybe... 1054 00:47:39,101 --> 00:47:40,625 Oh, it's a cheer-me-up thing? 1055 00:47:40,736 --> 00:47:41,896 I was gonna just put it on your iPod. 1056 00:47:42,004 --> 00:47:43,266 I don't have to play it right now. 1057 00:47:43,372 --> 00:47:45,203 For what? For when I go out jogging? I don't need to... 1058 00:47:45,307 --> 00:47:48,936 Let me hear it. I don't jog anymore. Let me hear my playlist. 1059 00:47:50,746 --> 00:47:52,611 (REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING) 1060 00:47:57,252 --> 00:48:00,312 (WHlSPERlNG) lra! Ira! 1061 00:48:01,323 --> 00:48:03,154 Okay, you don't have to make fun of it. 1062 00:48:03,258 --> 00:48:05,021 No, Bob Marley! 1063 00:48:05,127 --> 00:48:08,824 Yes. Everything is gonna be all right. You're right, lra. 1064 00:48:08,931 --> 00:48:11,957 Bob Marley had cancer. Everything wasn't all right for Bob Marley. 1065 00:48:12,067 --> 00:48:13,398 He dead now. 1066 00:48:13,502 --> 00:48:14,935 (LAUGHS) What else you put on there for me? 1067 00:48:15,037 --> 00:48:16,436 I really don't want to do this, George. 1068 00:48:16,538 --> 00:48:17,971 Can we just... I'll... Just forget I did this. 1069 00:48:18,073 --> 00:48:19,472 Ignore it. I'll erase it, okay? 1070 00:48:19,575 --> 00:48:23,534 No, no, no, don't do that. Let's hear what's gonna cheer me up! This is good. 1071 00:48:23,645 --> 00:48:25,135 Come on. What else you got? 1072 00:48:25,247 --> 00:48:26,578 Okay, here's the next one. 1073 00:48:26,682 --> 00:48:27,649 (SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) 1074 00:48:27,750 --> 00:48:33,245 (MOUTHlNG) Now I've had the time of my life 1075 00:48:33,355 --> 00:48:36,153 No, I never felt like this before 1076 00:48:36,258 --> 00:48:37,657 I don't know what to say to that one. 1077 00:48:37,760 --> 00:48:41,355 That's... That's just... That's just fifth grade and... 1078 00:48:41,930 --> 00:48:44,899 Showing me your cock was embarrassing, but this is okay? 1079 00:48:45,000 --> 00:48:46,797 Oh, God. That's a good song. 1080 00:48:46,902 --> 00:48:50,065 (LAUGHS) Yeah, what else? Give me more. This is... This is unbelievable. 1081 00:48:50,172 --> 00:48:51,867 (SlGHS) You sure you want to hear another one? 1082 00:48:51,974 --> 00:48:52,963 I don't... Yeah! Yeah, yeah. 1083 00:48:53,075 --> 00:48:55,043 This is fun to be cheered up. 1084 00:48:55,144 --> 00:48:56,133 (SlGHS) I'm sorry... 1085 00:48:56,245 --> 00:48:58,236 (SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) 1086 00:49:01,316 --> 00:49:05,685 (SINGING) Shadows are falling And I'm running out of breath 1087 00:49:06,822 --> 00:49:09,791 Keep me in your heart for a while 1088 00:49:11,593 --> 00:49:16,360 If I leave you, it doesn't mean I love you any less 1089 00:49:17,633 --> 00:49:20,693 Keep me in your heart for a while 1090 00:49:22,371 --> 00:49:27,399 When you get up in the morning And you see that crazy sun 1091 00:49:28,410 --> 00:49:31,402 Keep me in your heart for a while 1092 00:49:33,382 --> 00:49:36,317 Just write me some jokes, you stupid, fucking idiot. 1093 00:49:36,418 --> 00:49:37,976 Okay, I'm sorry. 1094 00:49:39,188 --> 00:49:42,180 Keep me in your heart for a while 1095 00:49:42,324 --> 00:49:43,313 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 1096 00:49:43,425 --> 00:49:45,791 So, I'm not married. I don't think I'm ever gonna get married. 1097 00:49:45,894 --> 00:49:47,919 I just... I can't find a reason to do it, you know? 1098 00:49:48,030 --> 00:49:49,429 Like, I got friends, like, 1099 00:49:49,531 --> 00:49:51,328 "You gotta get married. My wife. 1100 00:49:51,500 --> 00:49:53,331 "My wife is a... She's the best cook. 1101 00:49:53,435 --> 00:49:54,663 "My wife's the... You gotta. " 1102 00:49:54,770 --> 00:49:57,136 And I'm like, "My cook's the best cook. " 1103 00:49:57,239 --> 00:49:59,366 (AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG) 1104 00:49:59,474 --> 00:50:01,533 "But my wife, she's my best friend. " 1105 00:50:02,411 --> 00:50:04,709 "Yeah, my cook's actually a pretty good guy. " You know? 1106 00:50:05,647 --> 00:50:07,478 This could be funny. 1107 00:50:07,583 --> 00:50:11,417 Like, your dad didn't like you, so he named you and your dog George. 1108 00:50:11,520 --> 00:50:13,511 He'd be like, "Hey, George, come in here! 1109 00:50:13,922 --> 00:50:15,617 "Not you, the dog. " 1110 00:50:16,158 --> 00:50:18,524 "George, l... Look at this awesome book I just got!" 1111 00:50:18,627 --> 00:50:20,117 And then you come in, it's like, "Not you, the dog." 1112 00:50:20,229 --> 00:50:21,218 That's funny. Yeah. 1113 00:50:21,330 --> 00:50:23,924 "Hey, George, I made a nice steak for you. " "Hey, thanks, Dad. " 1114 00:50:24,032 --> 00:50:25,966 "Not you, the dog. " 1115 00:50:26,068 --> 00:50:27,968 "Hey, George, I just put some peanut butter on my balls. Come lick it up. You. " 1116 00:50:32,358 --> 00:50:33,825 Fuck him. 1117 00:50:33,926 --> 00:50:39,262 I miss the dry hump as a concept in my life. It just doesn't... 1118 00:50:39,365 --> 00:50:43,199 I miss the dry hump 'cause you don't need a big dick to be a good dry humper. 1119 00:50:43,302 --> 00:50:46,294 You just need a big thigh, that's all you need. 1120 00:50:46,405 --> 00:50:49,340 Be able to get your thigh in there real good. 1121 00:50:49,441 --> 00:50:52,308 I can thigh the hell out of a girl. 1122 00:50:52,411 --> 00:50:56,507 Sexually, I'm completely terrible, but I could do this all day. 1123 00:50:57,216 --> 00:51:02,153 I'm very rich, by the way. I know that makes you feel good about your life. 1124 00:51:02,254 --> 00:51:03,414 I got so much. 1125 00:51:03,522 --> 00:51:06,150 (IN HUSKY VOICE) "You have so much. Why not me?" 1126 00:51:06,258 --> 00:51:08,988 I have people stop me on the streets sometimes, just go, 1127 00:51:09,094 --> 00:51:13,190 "You have so much!" "Yes, yes." "Why not me?" 1128 00:51:13,298 --> 00:51:14,265 Like, "I don't know. " 1129 00:51:14,366 --> 00:51:19,133 (IN HUSKY VOICE) "Why you? I came out here to do what you do. " 1130 00:51:19,238 --> 00:51:20,205 "Well, you're not doing it. " 1131 00:51:20,305 --> 00:51:22,136 "No, I'm not! 1132 00:51:22,241 --> 00:51:26,075 "Fuck you! I want all your money and all your whores. " 1133 00:51:27,212 --> 00:51:29,203 Airplanes are the last public place 1134 00:51:29,314 --> 00:51:31,782 Where you can fart as loud as you want and no one cares. 1135 00:51:32,217 --> 00:51:34,151 'Cause they don't... It's loud. There's engine noise. 1136 00:51:34,253 --> 00:51:35,242 They just don't know it's you. 1137 00:51:35,354 --> 00:51:37,982 Like, you could literally be talking to someone you just met 1138 00:51:38,090 --> 00:51:39,955 and be sitting this far away from them 1139 00:51:40,058 --> 00:51:42,618 and look them dead in the eye as they talk about their grandson 1140 00:51:42,728 --> 00:51:45,595 and just fart as loud as you humanly can. Just... 1141 00:51:45,697 --> 00:51:46,755 (IMITATING FART) 1142 00:51:46,865 --> 00:51:49,299 "Yeah? Where's your grandson from?" 1143 00:51:49,401 --> 00:51:52,131 My asshole's been open this whole time. It's just still... 1144 00:51:54,339 --> 00:51:58,105 Hey, can you help me with some of my jokes when l... When I drop you off later? 1145 00:51:58,210 --> 00:51:59,609 Help you with some of your bits? Yeah. 1146 00:51:59,711 --> 00:52:01,645 No. I'm not gonna help you, man. 1147 00:52:01,747 --> 00:52:04,147 No one helped me when I started. 1148 00:52:04,249 --> 00:52:06,547 Fucking, I'm not paying to help you, I'm paying you to help me. 1149 00:52:06,652 --> 00:52:08,517 No, okay. You're right, you're right. 1150 00:52:08,620 --> 00:52:12,215 There is always the one girl out there, though. The one that got away. 1151 00:52:12,324 --> 00:52:17,227 Guys have that and serial killers have that. The one that got away. 1152 00:52:17,329 --> 00:52:22,494 "I had her, the trunk was lined with garbage bags 1153 00:52:22,601 --> 00:52:24,501 "and then she got away. " 1154 00:52:26,472 --> 00:52:28,872 I'm sick of rap songs telling me what to do. 1155 00:52:30,242 --> 00:52:33,541 "Bend over. Slap your ass, girl. Drop it like it's hot. " 1156 00:52:35,264 --> 00:52:36,390 Yeah, I'm gonna write a song back. 1157 00:52:36,498 --> 00:52:40,901 I'm gonna be, like, "Boy, brush your teeth! 1158 00:52:41,002 --> 00:52:46,372 "Yeah, boy, bump that jacket off your back. I'm fucking cold as shit!" 1159 00:52:47,809 --> 00:52:49,174 I masturbate so much with hand cream, 1160 00:52:49,277 --> 00:52:52,872 I forget people use it for shit other than masturbating. 1161 00:52:52,981 --> 00:52:55,176 Literally, when I'm in public and I see someone pull out hand cream, 1162 00:52:55,283 --> 00:52:58,013 I'm like, "This guy's about to jerk off!" 1163 00:52:58,219 --> 00:52:59,243 Can I ask you something? 1164 00:52:59,354 --> 00:53:03,586 Is your act just designed to make sure no girl will ever sleep with you again? 1165 00:53:03,691 --> 00:53:06,888 All you fucking talk about is jacking off and farting. 1166 00:53:06,995 --> 00:53:08,690 You think a girl's gonna come up to you after the show, 1167 00:53:09,097 --> 00:53:11,964 "Could you just jack off for me and then fart in my face?" 1168 00:53:12,067 --> 00:53:14,968 It's fucking insane! Do you want to get laid, ever? 1169 00:53:24,612 --> 00:53:29,515 (SINGING) How will you people live without me? 1170 00:53:31,086 --> 00:53:35,785 Who will bring you joy when I'm gone? 1171 00:53:37,759 --> 00:53:41,752 'Cause I'm one funny man 1172 00:53:42,063 --> 00:53:45,191 I bring the comedy 1173 00:53:45,300 --> 00:53:50,067 I am the one you go to, to get cheered up 1174 00:53:50,171 --> 00:53:51,763 (AUDIENCE LAUGH) 1175 00:53:52,240 --> 00:53:55,937 Put in my movies 1176 00:53:56,044 --> 00:54:02,176 Escape, if you will To a land of loveliness 1177 00:54:05,186 --> 00:54:08,155 He doesn't have patience 1178 00:54:08,256 --> 00:54:14,684 He hates so many people He's mad when others do well 1179 00:54:14,963 --> 00:54:21,266 He hates himself Fuck George Simmons 1180 00:54:21,703 --> 00:54:24,900 He has a medium-sized penis 1181 00:54:25,006 --> 00:54:29,875 He fucked so many girls And yet no one remembers 1182 00:54:30,345 --> 00:54:33,439 when he's done fucking them 1183 00:54:33,681 --> 00:54:37,082 The girl just lays there and says 1184 00:54:37,185 --> 00:54:42,088 I should have fucked Jean-Claude Van Damme instead of you 1185 00:54:43,024 --> 00:54:48,087 Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah! 1186 00:54:49,764 --> 00:54:54,224 George Simmons soon will be gone 1187 00:54:57,338 --> 00:55:00,603 And he will not miss you people at all. 1188 00:55:02,076 --> 00:55:05,534 Our relationship has always been strained. 1189 00:55:05,647 --> 00:55:10,516 You always wanted too much from me, and I'm very mad at you. 1190 00:55:11,419 --> 00:55:15,913 Leave me alone. Don't visit my grave, cocksuckers. 1191 00:55:17,492 --> 00:55:18,618 Peace! 1192 00:55:19,561 --> 00:55:21,290 (AUDlENCE WHOOPlNG) 1193 00:55:23,364 --> 00:55:25,264 (BREATHlNG HEAVlLY) 1194 00:55:32,574 --> 00:55:34,041 IRA: Oh, my God, it's George Simmons! 1195 00:55:34,943 --> 00:55:37,468 What are you doing here? What's happening? 1196 00:55:37,579 --> 00:55:38,947 I couldn't sleep. I want to get the Cavaliers game. 1197 00:55:38,947 --> 00:55:41,347 I couldn't sleep. I want to get the Cavaliers game. 1198 00:55:41,449 --> 00:55:43,041 I can't get this thing ever to work. 1199 00:55:43,151 --> 00:55:47,315 I was up all night, man. I had a terrible sleep. I was sweating my ass off. 1200 00:55:47,422 --> 00:55:49,890 I'm fucking hot one second and cold one second 1201 00:55:49,991 --> 00:55:52,858 and the alc don't work for shit. 1202 00:55:52,961 --> 00:55:55,987 It's always going up to the roof. 1203 00:55:56,097 --> 00:55:57,291 What time is it? 1204 00:55:57,398 --> 00:55:58,888 It says 3:00. 1205 00:55:59,734 --> 00:56:04,330 It's 3:00? God damn it! I can't fucking waste time. I gotta... 1206 00:56:06,641 --> 00:56:09,132 All right, let's start my goddamn day. 1207 00:56:10,111 --> 00:56:11,544 I don't got time for this shit. 1208 00:56:11,646 --> 00:56:14,240 Let me have that stupid clicker. Come on. 1209 00:56:16,784 --> 00:56:18,979 They keep telling me that I gotta dial an extension. 1210 00:56:19,087 --> 00:56:22,955 I don't even have the fucking number to dial for the fucking extension! 1211 00:56:23,057 --> 00:56:24,081 Do you want me to try calling them? 1212 00:56:24,325 --> 00:56:25,792 You should have fucking called them! 1213 00:56:25,893 --> 00:56:28,123 Where the fuck were you last night? 1214 00:56:28,496 --> 00:56:29,520 You'll call them. 1215 00:56:29,631 --> 00:56:31,030 I'm sorry, man. 1216 00:56:31,132 --> 00:56:32,793 Just tell me what you need, I'll get it done, okay? 1217 00:56:32,900 --> 00:56:35,960 You pay for all of this stuff and none of it ever works! 1218 00:56:36,070 --> 00:56:38,937 Nothing! I don't even think I'm sick! 1219 00:56:39,040 --> 00:56:41,873 These guys are trying to fucking kill me! 1220 00:56:42,644 --> 00:56:45,875 I want to go to the doctor. I gotta see this guy. 1221 00:56:45,980 --> 00:56:48,346 What the fuck is happening? 1222 00:56:49,851 --> 00:56:53,184 This medicine does not work. It makes it worse! 1223 00:56:53,288 --> 00:56:55,381 Okay. I'll call them right now. I'll tell them we're coming, okay? 1224 00:56:55,490 --> 00:56:57,082 Now. We gotta go now. 1225 00:56:57,191 --> 00:56:58,283 I'll call them right now, okay? 1226 00:56:58,393 --> 00:57:00,293 Yeah. I'll meet you downstairs. 1227 00:57:03,931 --> 00:57:06,593 (ENGINE REVVING ONSCREEN) 1228 00:57:08,936 --> 00:57:13,498 Please put away the video game. Don't do that. Don't be rude. 1229 00:57:13,608 --> 00:57:14,575 I'm sorry. 1230 00:57:14,676 --> 00:57:15,643 Fucking playing Centipede? 1231 00:57:15,743 --> 00:57:17,074 What the fuck were you playing? 1232 00:57:17,178 --> 00:57:18,941 Just a driving game. 1233 00:57:20,581 --> 00:57:21,570 Hello, Mr. Simmons. 1234 00:57:21,683 --> 00:57:22,650 Hey, yeah, Doctor, good to see you. 1235 00:57:22,750 --> 00:57:23,808 How are you? I brought my friend. 1236 00:57:23,918 --> 00:57:28,048 This is my... Well, my lover, my life partner, my everything. 1237 00:57:28,156 --> 00:57:30,681 How are you? What's going on? How we doing? 1238 00:57:30,792 --> 00:57:33,852 Well, your immune system is in the middle of a very serious battle. 1239 00:57:34,429 --> 00:57:36,294 The medicine is trying to combat the disease, 1240 00:57:36,397 --> 00:57:38,797 but in the process it destroys healthy tissue 1241 00:57:38,900 --> 00:57:41,198 and disrupts healthy functioning of your organs 1242 00:57:41,302 --> 00:57:43,770 and multiple lymphatic systems, 1243 00:57:43,871 --> 00:57:45,998 so you're getting attacked on two levels. 1244 00:57:46,341 --> 00:57:48,275 And we hope the disease is vanquished 1245 00:57:48,376 --> 00:57:51,277 before it and the medicine does damage which cannot be contained. 1246 00:57:51,713 --> 00:57:53,305 Okay. 1247 00:57:53,414 --> 00:57:55,041 Your accent is very thick. 1248 00:57:56,584 --> 00:57:57,881 You ever notice your accent 1249 00:57:57,985 --> 00:58:01,512 makes things sound worse than they... Than they actually are? 1250 00:58:02,023 --> 00:58:04,218 You could give good news, and I'd still be like, 1251 00:58:04,325 --> 00:58:06,020 "What happened? Am I still dying?" 1252 00:58:06,961 --> 00:58:08,394 I'm just trying to help you. 1253 00:58:08,796 --> 00:58:11,094 I know you sound like a regular Joe where you come from, 1254 00:58:11,199 --> 00:58:17,069 but here I keep thinking you're gonna be torturing James Bond later. 1255 00:58:17,171 --> 00:58:21,073 I'm sure your sense of humor will serve you well in this situation. 1256 00:58:21,476 --> 00:58:26,072 There he goes again. All so terrifying because it came out of your mouth. 1257 00:58:26,581 --> 00:58:28,412 You are a very funny man. 1258 00:58:28,516 --> 00:58:30,780 Are you mad that you died at the end of Die Hard? 1259 00:58:31,219 --> 00:58:33,653 I don't understand the reference. 1260 00:58:35,123 --> 00:58:37,284 He kind of looks like those two guys in the second Matrix movie. 1261 00:58:37,692 --> 00:58:38,784 (CHUCKLES) 1262 00:58:38,893 --> 00:58:41,020 I assure you I was not in The Matrix. 1263 00:58:41,129 --> 00:58:44,155 Why did you eat Bjorn Borg? What did he do to you? 1264 00:58:44,265 --> 00:58:48,031 If you have no other questions, I do have other patients. 1265 00:58:48,136 --> 00:58:52,072 You have other patients that you have to frighten by the end of the day? 1266 00:58:52,173 --> 00:58:53,640 How many patients do you frighten a day? 1267 00:58:53,741 --> 00:58:56,608 And I am slowly getting a little bit annoyed 1268 00:58:56,711 --> 00:59:00,408 by these humorous activities from you guys. 1269 00:59:01,215 --> 00:59:02,182 So, I think you and... 1270 00:59:02,283 --> 00:59:03,807 We have discussed this and I am very, 1271 00:59:03,918 --> 00:59:06,352 very sympathetic to your recovery, 1272 00:59:06,587 --> 00:59:09,988 and I hope we will succeed with what we are doing. 1273 00:59:10,091 --> 00:59:12,616 I've been trying to build this cabinet I bought from you guys 1274 00:59:12,727 --> 00:59:14,888 for, like, six months and I gotta... 1275 00:59:14,996 --> 00:59:16,861 IKEA? That's very funny. 1276 00:59:27,275 --> 00:59:29,175 Hey. Yo, Teach. Hey. 1277 00:59:30,978 --> 00:59:32,673 How's... How was the taping? 1278 00:59:32,780 --> 00:59:35,544 Great. Great, yeah. I'm happy with it. 1279 00:59:35,650 --> 00:59:37,242 I think the ending really murdered. 1280 00:59:37,351 --> 00:59:40,149 Was it a very special episode? 1281 00:59:41,856 --> 00:59:44,290 You remember Daisy, right? 1282 00:59:44,392 --> 00:59:45,620 Yeah, of course. 1283 00:59:46,127 --> 00:59:47,151 Hey. 1284 00:59:47,261 --> 00:59:48,523 MARK: I'm sorry. 1285 00:59:48,629 --> 00:59:50,256 I didn't know you'd be coming home tonight. 1286 00:59:50,364 --> 00:59:53,060 I thought maybe you'd be spending the night at George's and... 1287 00:59:53,167 --> 00:59:57,103 Guess it's been more than 10 days, huh? 1288 00:59:57,205 --> 01:00:00,766 (SOFTLY) Yeah, I gave you an extra 11. 1289 01:00:00,875 --> 01:00:02,001 What are you guys talking about? 1290 01:00:02,109 --> 01:00:03,940 Nothing. Doesn't matter. It's cool. 1291 01:00:04,045 --> 01:00:06,206 Don't give a shit. Totally fine. 1292 01:00:11,118 --> 01:00:13,313 Hey. I saw the new Harry Potter movie. 1293 01:00:15,022 --> 01:00:16,011 Harry's getting old. 1294 01:00:16,123 --> 01:00:17,090 He's, like, older than my dad. 1295 01:00:17,191 --> 01:00:18,658 They should call him Harold Potter. 1296 01:00:19,527 --> 01:00:21,620 That Hermione's got some big, old titties. 1297 01:00:25,533 --> 01:00:26,727 Whoa! 1298 01:00:26,834 --> 01:00:30,770 Did you two just bone? I'm getting a little vibe here. 1299 01:00:30,872 --> 01:00:33,773 This is exciting. Think I'm getting a quarter chub. 1300 01:00:34,275 --> 01:00:35,264 (SlGHS) 1301 01:00:35,376 --> 01:00:36,707 Why is lra so upset? 1302 01:00:36,811 --> 01:00:39,177 It's been, like, way after 10 days. 1303 01:00:39,280 --> 01:00:42,340 He can't call dibs on every girl he meets. 1304 01:00:42,717 --> 01:00:45,208 We were supposed to go out on a date together. 1305 01:00:45,319 --> 01:00:47,947 We are going out on a date. I thought so. 1306 01:00:48,055 --> 01:00:49,215 We're not anymore! No! 1307 01:00:49,323 --> 01:00:50,312 Really? 1308 01:00:50,424 --> 01:00:54,520 'Cause after you fuck my roommate that kind of ends it with me! 1309 01:00:54,662 --> 01:00:56,630 What are you talking about? Don't treat me like that. 1310 01:00:57,131 --> 01:01:00,328 Just so you know how I'm seeing you? You're a starfucker. 1311 01:01:00,434 --> 01:01:02,732 You're a girl who met a star and then fucked him. 1312 01:01:02,837 --> 01:01:04,498 And he's not even that famous! 1313 01:01:04,605 --> 01:01:07,768 What if like a real good-looking celebrity was my roommate? 1314 01:01:07,875 --> 01:01:11,834 What if I lived with, you know, James McAvoy or Jude Law or something? 1315 01:01:12,380 --> 01:01:14,678 I don't know. I probably would fuck both of those people. 1316 01:01:14,782 --> 01:01:15,749 Don't say that. 1317 01:01:15,850 --> 01:01:17,442 I'm sorry! Lower the bar a little bit. 1318 01:01:17,718 --> 01:01:19,242 I can't believe that! 1319 01:01:19,620 --> 01:01:20,848 (GROANS) 1320 01:01:20,955 --> 01:01:26,188 If a hot girl walked over here, naked, and was like, "Do my body," you would. 1321 01:01:26,327 --> 01:01:27,692 You would have sex with her. 1322 01:01:27,795 --> 01:01:30,161 No, I'd feel really uncomfortable. 1323 01:01:30,298 --> 01:01:32,596 And then I might ask her to a Wilco show. 1324 01:01:32,700 --> 01:01:37,069 Okay, then you're the first guy in the world that I've ever met that's like that. 1325 01:01:37,572 --> 01:01:40,132 I thought you were the kind of girl that would wait two months 1326 01:01:40,241 --> 01:01:41,265 and then have sex with a guy. 1327 01:01:41,375 --> 01:01:42,342 I didn't think you would just... 1328 01:01:42,443 --> 01:01:44,502 I'm an independent woman. 1329 01:01:44,612 --> 01:01:47,080 I'm allowed to fuck people. 1330 01:01:47,381 --> 01:01:50,318 Well, if I had known that, I would have scheduled our date a lot sooner! 1331 01:01:50,318 --> 01:01:50,443 Well, if I had known that, I would have scheduled our date a lot sooner! 1332 01:01:52,153 --> 01:01:54,587 Give me a break. I don't even know you. 1333 01:01:54,789 --> 01:01:57,724 This is the longest conversation we've ever had. 1334 01:02:03,598 --> 01:02:08,467 Don't be mad at me. I said I'd give you 10 days. 1335 01:02:08,569 --> 01:02:10,059 I gave you three weeks. 1336 01:02:13,474 --> 01:02:14,702 I thought you were joking, man. 1337 01:02:14,809 --> 01:02:17,277 I'm gonna be honest with you. 1338 01:02:17,378 --> 01:02:20,176 We... We... We want to fuck every girl that we meet. 1339 01:02:21,549 --> 01:02:22,516 That's how it works. 1340 01:02:22,617 --> 01:02:25,643 If I didn't sleep with every girl you wished you could sleep with, 1341 01:02:25,753 --> 01:02:27,345 I wouldn't sleep with anybody. 1342 01:02:27,455 --> 01:02:29,980 It's a communication breakdown. We can fix this. 1343 01:02:30,524 --> 01:02:32,321 I don't care. The fact that you had sex with her... 1344 01:02:32,426 --> 01:02:36,760 I can never do anything like that with her. 1345 01:02:36,864 --> 01:02:41,164 So, you're really not gonna chase this girl just because I was with her? 1346 01:02:41,268 --> 01:02:42,326 Yeah. 1347 01:02:43,070 --> 01:02:44,128 Huh. 1348 01:02:45,006 --> 01:02:47,133 It's kind of insulting, on some level. 1349 01:02:49,977 --> 01:02:52,309 Wanna go to Wilco with me? 1350 01:02:53,147 --> 01:02:56,139 I wish I could, but I'm going with Tobey Maguire. 1351 01:02:56,250 --> 01:02:58,844 I might play his little brother in this movie. 1352 01:03:02,857 --> 01:03:03,846 (SlGHS) 1353 01:03:03,958 --> 01:03:05,516 I hope I get it. 1354 01:03:10,564 --> 01:03:14,056 GEORGE: Give me something. You didn't get rid of them. What did you get rid of? 1355 01:03:14,168 --> 01:03:15,897 IRA: Well, l, you know, I got a few good offers, 1356 01:03:16,003 --> 01:03:18,437 but honestly, I don't know how much each car is worth and l... 1357 01:03:18,539 --> 01:03:20,404 They keep on wanting to buy all of them 1358 01:03:20,508 --> 01:03:21,907 and it's hard for me to... Don't make it a big deal. 1359 01:03:22,009 --> 01:03:24,842 Don't get a stomach-ache over it. Just sell them. 1360 01:03:24,945 --> 01:03:26,139 Give it to a charity. Move on. 1361 01:03:26,247 --> 01:03:27,214 Okay. 1362 01:03:27,381 --> 01:03:28,575 I just want to be happy about 1363 01:03:28,683 --> 01:03:29,707 giving something away, you know. 1364 01:03:29,817 --> 01:03:30,784 Okay. 1365 01:03:30,885 --> 01:03:31,852 So... 1366 01:03:33,487 --> 01:03:36,081 There's something I've really been wanting to tell you, George. 1367 01:03:36,190 --> 01:03:37,282 Uh-oh. 1368 01:03:38,092 --> 01:03:39,320 Yeah. 1369 01:03:39,427 --> 01:03:43,921 I feel as though you need to tell someone other than me about your condition. 1370 01:03:45,599 --> 01:03:47,066 I don't want to do that. 1371 01:03:47,168 --> 01:03:48,601 George, people care about you. 1372 01:03:48,703 --> 01:03:50,671 You have to let them be there for you. 1373 01:03:51,639 --> 01:03:55,439 I tell somebody, then it's all gonna change, and you can't get it back. 1374 01:03:56,243 --> 01:03:58,074 Everything's already changed, George, 1375 01:03:58,179 --> 01:04:02,343 and the truth is soon you're gonna start getting very sick 1376 01:04:02,450 --> 01:04:04,509 and you are gonna want someone other than me there. 1377 01:04:05,052 --> 01:04:07,247 I mean, have you... Have you even told your parents yet? 1378 01:04:07,354 --> 01:04:09,447 My parents are in their mid-70s. 1379 01:04:09,557 --> 01:04:12,219 They would drop dead if they heard about this. 1380 01:04:12,326 --> 01:04:14,123 Friends. You must want to tell your friends. 1381 01:04:14,228 --> 01:04:16,253 I don't really have any friends. 1382 01:04:16,363 --> 01:04:18,661 I have people I shoot the shit with and fuck around with, 1383 01:04:18,766 --> 01:04:20,563 but there's nobody I'm really close with. 1384 01:04:20,668 --> 01:04:22,101 I've got showbiz friends. 1385 01:04:22,203 --> 01:04:25,639 Andy Dick isn't a friend. He's just a guy you know. 1386 01:04:25,740 --> 01:04:28,208 You're my closest friend, and I don't even like you. 1387 01:04:28,309 --> 01:04:29,298 (SlGHS) 1388 01:04:29,410 --> 01:04:31,469 You have to tell someone other than me, man. 1389 01:04:31,579 --> 01:04:33,240 I can't be the only one who knows. 1390 01:04:33,347 --> 01:04:34,780 I've never dealt with anything like this. 1391 01:04:34,882 --> 01:04:37,248 All my grandparents are alive. 1392 01:04:37,351 --> 01:04:40,718 Listen, this is not your job to cry. Your job is to not cry. 1393 01:04:40,821 --> 01:04:43,756 I'm just trying to talk to you man-to-man, George. 1394 01:04:43,891 --> 01:04:45,859 As a man, you are crying right now. 1395 01:04:45,960 --> 01:04:46,949 I'm not crying. 1396 01:04:47,061 --> 01:04:49,325 People are gonna think we just broke up or something, lra. 1397 01:04:49,430 --> 01:04:51,091 Stop doing what you're doing. 1398 01:04:51,198 --> 01:04:52,187 Okay, I'll stop. 1399 01:04:52,299 --> 01:04:56,201 You're causing a scene. You're making crazy faces now, lra. 1400 01:04:56,804 --> 01:04:59,295 Open your eyes. Stop crying. 1401 01:04:59,406 --> 01:05:00,395 (BREATHlNG HEAVlLY) 1402 01:05:00,508 --> 01:05:02,908 You're making noises now? You look like the lncredible Hulk. 1403 01:05:03,010 --> 01:05:03,999 (SPLUTTERS) 1404 01:05:04,111 --> 01:05:05,976 Jesus, you're spitting on my shrimp, 1405 01:05:06,080 --> 01:05:07,479 you asshole. I'm sorry. 1406 01:05:07,581 --> 01:05:08,741 (SNlFFLES) 1407 01:05:08,849 --> 01:05:09,816 God, I'm sorry. 1408 01:05:09,917 --> 01:05:10,906 Come on. Wipe it off. 1409 01:05:11,719 --> 01:05:13,277 Jesus Christ. 1410 01:05:14,255 --> 01:05:16,587 I'm sorry, I just don't know. 1411 01:05:16,690 --> 01:05:17,987 This is the worst. 1412 01:05:18,092 --> 01:05:20,560 Why didn't I just get hit by a fucking foul ball? 1413 01:05:21,629 --> 01:05:23,688 You ruined The Palm, you fucking ass. 1414 01:05:26,333 --> 01:05:29,166 This could have been the best meal, ever. 1415 01:05:30,337 --> 01:05:31,770 Should I get you ice chips or something? 1416 01:05:31,872 --> 01:05:33,703 No, I'm good. 1417 01:05:34,475 --> 01:05:35,840 You never had any kids, huh? 1418 01:05:35,943 --> 01:05:37,467 No. No. We didn't get to that. 1419 01:05:37,578 --> 01:05:39,068 I have three. 1420 01:05:39,180 --> 01:05:40,147 I know. 1421 01:05:40,247 --> 01:05:42,340 Three kids to carry on the Dick legacy. 1422 01:05:42,449 --> 01:05:46,613 How the hell did you have any kids with all the penises you've blown? 1423 01:05:46,720 --> 01:05:50,349 I sucked my own dick and spit it into their vagina. 1424 01:05:51,959 --> 01:05:54,723 I mean, knowing that. Most people just go through life asleep anyways. 1425 01:05:54,829 --> 01:05:56,922 Some of those people don't even wake up until they get, you know, 1426 01:05:57,031 --> 01:05:58,396 the Dr. Death call, you know. 1427 01:05:58,499 --> 01:06:01,297 (lN HUSKY VOlCE) "This is Dr. Death! You're going to die." 1428 01:06:01,402 --> 01:06:03,267 (RASPlNG) "Don't be afraid, George. 1429 01:06:03,370 --> 01:06:08,171 "It's just Death calling. Cheer up, motherfucker!" 1430 01:06:08,776 --> 01:06:10,300 Yeah. Fuck negativity. 1431 01:06:10,411 --> 01:06:13,005 Fuck it in the ass with a Chinese monkey! 1432 01:06:13,948 --> 01:06:15,939 I wish I wasn't so fucking angry with you right now. 1433 01:06:16,717 --> 01:06:18,981 Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't a good brother. 1434 01:06:19,086 --> 01:06:20,451 You were a terrible brother. 1435 01:06:20,554 --> 01:06:21,953 You just left us and you didn't care. 1436 01:06:22,056 --> 01:06:23,956 You didn't give a shit about us. 1437 01:06:24,058 --> 01:06:25,923 You don't even give a... You moved to Kansas. 1438 01:06:26,026 --> 01:06:27,960 Am I supposed to visit you in Kansas? Yes. 1439 01:06:28,062 --> 01:06:30,553 I thought that's why you moved there, so you didn't get visitors. 1440 01:06:30,664 --> 01:06:31,995 You're so fucking selfish. 1441 01:06:32,099 --> 01:06:33,088 I know. 1442 01:06:33,234 --> 01:06:36,294 You've only seen my son, like, three times. 1443 01:06:36,403 --> 01:06:39,201 I send him fucking DVDs all the time. 1444 01:06:39,306 --> 01:06:41,297 He doesn't want your DVDs. 1445 01:06:41,408 --> 01:06:42,966 He wants you to be a part of his life. 1446 01:06:43,077 --> 01:06:45,068 He wants to be a part of yours. 1447 01:06:45,179 --> 01:06:47,613 Wow. This has been great. 1448 01:06:47,715 --> 01:06:51,549 I want to call Dad now and just have more family time. 1449 01:06:51,752 --> 01:06:54,721 What did we ever do to you? I'm not Dad. 1450 01:06:57,091 --> 01:06:59,423 You are right. 1451 01:06:59,526 --> 01:07:03,690 You're very, very nice, and I'm sorry I don't know your son. 1452 01:07:03,797 --> 01:07:06,766 I'm sorry I don't know you anymore. 1453 01:07:06,934 --> 01:07:09,061 I'm glad you don't know me. 1454 01:07:09,169 --> 01:07:10,261 I wish I did. 1455 01:07:11,805 --> 01:07:14,672 You'd be let down, believe me. 1456 01:07:22,816 --> 01:07:24,613 Oh, man. 1457 01:07:30,557 --> 01:07:32,047 Oh, God. 1458 01:07:35,229 --> 01:07:36,821 Who's that? 1459 01:07:36,931 --> 01:07:38,831 That's the girl I was gonna marry... 1460 01:07:38,933 --> 01:07:40,059 (DOORBELL RlNGS) 1461 01:07:40,167 --> 01:07:42,362 ...but then she smartened up. 1462 01:07:43,237 --> 01:07:45,671 So, she's 10 and she's six. 1463 01:07:45,773 --> 01:07:48,139 GEORGE: So cute. 1464 01:07:48,242 --> 01:07:50,301 Jeez, she looks like you, the little one, huh? 1465 01:07:50,411 --> 01:07:51,400 Yeah. 1466 01:07:51,512 --> 01:07:54,345 What's the matter? Your guy doesn't have any DNA in him? 1467 01:07:54,448 --> 01:07:57,008 That's all Laura. 1468 01:07:57,184 --> 01:07:58,913 They fight a lot, but they're cute. 1469 01:07:59,420 --> 01:08:03,186 Yeah. Thank you so much for coming here. 1470 01:08:03,757 --> 01:08:05,019 I wanted to come. I wanted to see you. 1471 01:08:05,125 --> 01:08:06,319 You didn't have to come here. 1472 01:08:06,427 --> 01:08:09,123 You didn't have to. I know it's stressful for you. 1473 01:08:09,563 --> 01:08:11,963 I'm just... I'm just... I'm so sorry. 1474 01:08:12,499 --> 01:08:14,797 I'm so sorry about everything I did. 1475 01:08:15,402 --> 01:08:18,064 You don't have to be sorry. That was 1 2 years ago. 1476 01:08:18,172 --> 01:08:20,003 Everything worked out for the best. 1477 01:08:20,107 --> 01:08:22,268 It's good. Look at your life. This is great. 1478 01:08:22,676 --> 01:08:28,239 Yes. It's the best life. I hate it. I hate it all. 1479 01:08:28,349 --> 01:08:29,509 I haven't been... You don't hate it. 1480 01:08:29,616 --> 01:08:32,517 I'm addicted to it, I guess. I keep doing it. 1481 01:08:32,953 --> 01:08:35,854 Hello, Wayne. This is lra. I'm calling to say 1482 01:08:35,956 --> 01:08:39,119 I don't think today is a good day for you to come by and see George. 1483 01:08:39,426 --> 01:08:42,452 Maybe tomorrow. So, I'll give you a call when I know what the schedule looks like. 1484 01:08:42,563 --> 01:08:44,827 Thank you. I'll talk to you soon. 1485 01:08:46,233 --> 01:08:48,428 You have a family now. You have a family now. 1486 01:08:48,535 --> 01:08:51,299 I'm so happy. You did the right thing. You moved on. 1487 01:08:51,405 --> 01:08:53,498 You got a good life. 1488 01:08:53,607 --> 01:08:56,735 And... And I just got nothing, Laura. I hate that. 1489 01:08:56,844 --> 01:08:59,404 I hate that it could have been me with you. 1490 01:08:59,513 --> 01:09:00,673 Don't do that, please? 1491 01:09:00,781 --> 01:09:02,408 I'm sorry. I just fucking... 1492 01:09:02,516 --> 01:09:04,882 You... I could have had those kids with you. 1493 01:09:05,886 --> 01:09:09,515 How could you cheat on me? I was so hot. 1494 01:09:09,623 --> 01:09:11,147 You were. You were so hot. I don't know. 1495 01:09:11,258 --> 01:09:12,555 I was hot! 1496 01:09:12,659 --> 01:09:15,526 I don't even know what the fuck I was doing. 1497 01:09:15,629 --> 01:09:20,157 I was just a stupid idiot. I don't remember anybody else. 1498 01:09:20,267 --> 01:09:21,859 What was wrong with you? I don't remember anybody else. 1499 01:09:21,969 --> 01:09:23,630 I only remember you. I don't know. 1500 01:09:23,737 --> 01:09:26,672 I don't even know who they were, who fucking ruined us. 1501 01:09:26,774 --> 01:09:29,971 They're not in my brain, ever. It's like it didn't happen. 1502 01:09:30,077 --> 01:09:31,942 The only thing that happened was us. 1503 01:09:32,046 --> 01:09:34,742 And you ran away 'cause you had to. 1504 01:09:34,848 --> 01:09:36,645 I had to go. 1505 01:09:36,750 --> 01:09:39,981 At the time, I just couldn't do it anymore. 1506 01:09:40,087 --> 01:09:42,282 Yeah. But you know what I realized? 1507 01:09:42,389 --> 01:09:44,016 I love my husband, 1508 01:09:45,426 --> 01:09:48,088 but it's just not the same. 1509 01:09:49,129 --> 01:09:52,758 And I loved you so much and... 1510 01:09:54,334 --> 01:09:56,495 I know, I know, I know, I know. 1511 01:09:56,603 --> 01:09:59,834 I have the same thing. I have the same thing. 1512 01:09:59,940 --> 01:10:02,534 Don't feel bad. Don't feel bad. 1513 01:10:02,676 --> 01:10:05,804 I love you. I love you. I always loved you. 1514 01:10:05,913 --> 01:10:09,405 And the crazy thing is he cheats on me, too. 1515 01:10:09,516 --> 01:10:10,483 I hate... 1516 01:10:10,584 --> 01:10:12,245 He's like an Australian you. 1517 01:10:13,053 --> 01:10:16,955 I fucking hate this guy. Is he crazy? 1518 01:10:17,057 --> 01:10:20,254 It's just that you were the one. 1519 01:10:20,360 --> 01:10:25,696 Just you are... Were... Are the love... 1520 01:10:28,569 --> 01:10:32,403 Love of my life. And I just love you. 1521 01:10:40,948 --> 01:10:43,314 Yeah, the hug was a mistake, wasn't it? 1522 01:10:46,653 --> 01:10:48,780 You're not sick, are you? 1523 01:10:48,889 --> 01:10:51,949 You're just doing that to get me down here, huh? 1524 01:10:52,292 --> 01:10:53,520 (LAUGHS) 1525 01:10:54,895 --> 01:10:56,419 There are those hands again. 1526 01:10:56,530 --> 01:10:57,997 My big hands. 1527 01:10:58,132 --> 01:10:59,997 Always made my penis look small. 1528 01:11:00,100 --> 01:11:01,089 (LAUGHlNG) 1529 01:11:01,201 --> 01:11:03,692 Thank you, hands, for that complex. 1530 01:11:05,772 --> 01:11:08,206 Yes. Jeez. 1531 01:11:08,308 --> 01:11:14,269 The two of them together, it was a guaranteed dwarfing. Okay. 1532 01:11:14,381 --> 01:11:16,781 (PLAYING ROCK MUSIC) 1533 01:11:22,022 --> 01:11:23,080 Yeah. 1534 01:11:25,225 --> 01:11:26,852 That was worth it. 1535 01:11:27,294 --> 01:11:29,194 We're into overtime now, just so you know. 1536 01:11:29,296 --> 01:11:31,161 (LAUGHS) Jeez, that came quick. 1537 01:11:31,265 --> 01:11:33,233 I wish that you guys were really my friends 1538 01:11:33,333 --> 01:11:35,961 and I didn't have to pay you to jam with me. 1539 01:11:37,471 --> 01:11:40,440 All right, so let's keep going then. 1540 01:11:40,841 --> 01:11:42,832 (PLAYING SOFT ROCK MUSIC) 1541 01:11:53,687 --> 01:11:57,316 (SINGING) All my little plans and schemes 1542 01:11:59,393 --> 01:12:03,659 Lost like some forgotten dream 1543 01:12:05,132 --> 01:12:06,326 Seems like all I... 1544 01:12:06,433 --> 01:12:08,060 Diego. Yes, George? 1545 01:12:08,168 --> 01:12:09,897 The roses look terrific. 1546 01:12:10,003 --> 01:12:11,595 Thank you. They sure look beautiful. 1547 01:12:11,705 --> 01:12:15,334 Only a guy with a big cock like you could make roses this beautiful. 1548 01:12:16,777 --> 01:12:20,543 Don't need to be alone 1549 01:12:22,616 --> 01:12:26,382 No need to be alone 1550 01:12:29,423 --> 01:12:34,656 It's real love It's real 1551 01:12:34,761 --> 01:12:37,127 Yes, it's real love 1552 01:12:37,231 --> 01:12:38,698 You doing stand-up at all? 1553 01:12:38,799 --> 01:12:41,290 This is actually the first time I've left the house in three years. 1554 01:12:41,401 --> 01:12:42,891 But I will sometimes, in my house, 1555 01:12:43,036 --> 01:12:45,129 in front of my kids, I'll do five, six minutes. 1556 01:12:45,239 --> 01:12:47,605 Not good stuff. It's a lot of "where you from?" You know. 1557 01:12:47,708 --> 01:12:48,936 But, you know, all kidding aside, 1558 01:12:49,042 --> 01:12:50,373 I know you're in a terrible situation, 1559 01:12:50,477 --> 01:12:53,071 but even with that, you look so much better than him. 1560 01:12:53,180 --> 01:12:54,807 (ALL LAUGHlNG) 1561 01:12:57,584 --> 01:13:01,850 (SINGING) The Kingdom of Heaven is, is in your hands 1562 01:13:02,990 --> 01:13:07,586 I don't expect for you to awake from your dreams 1563 01:13:07,694 --> 01:13:09,594 We watched your last movie on video. 1564 01:13:09,930 --> 01:13:12,296 A man who is funny doesn't have to work blue. 1565 01:13:12,432 --> 01:13:14,627 You don't... You don't have to do trash to be funny. 1566 01:13:14,735 --> 01:13:16,134 I'll tell you who was a great comedian. 1567 01:13:16,236 --> 01:13:17,601 Please say me. Who? 1568 01:13:17,704 --> 01:13:18,671 Jackie Gleason. 1569 01:13:18,772 --> 01:13:19,898 Yeah, of course. 1570 01:13:20,007 --> 01:13:22,100 You like him 'cause you look like Art Carney. 1571 01:13:22,209 --> 01:13:23,574 (ALL LAUGH) 1572 01:13:24,978 --> 01:13:28,072 Gleason was terrific. And you ain't so bad. 1573 01:13:28,181 --> 01:13:30,149 All right. Thank you, Pop. I know. 1574 01:13:30,250 --> 01:13:31,877 (SINGING) It's real 1575 01:13:32,019 --> 01:13:35,546 It's real love, oh, yeah 1576 01:13:35,822 --> 01:13:37,187 (lNAUDlBLE) 1577 01:13:37,357 --> 01:13:42,090 It's real love, yeah 1578 01:13:43,096 --> 01:13:48,295 It's real love It's real 1579 01:13:52,506 --> 01:13:55,270 I think I played it all wrong, lra. 1580 01:13:55,409 --> 01:13:56,398 (SlGHS) 1581 01:13:56,510 --> 01:13:58,341 I played it all wrong. 1582 01:14:04,284 --> 01:14:07,276 Okay. He's here. We saw each other. Let me answer it. Mark. 1583 01:14:07,387 --> 01:14:09,548 Stop. Let me answer it. Mark, man. 1584 01:14:10,090 --> 01:14:11,523 Move, bitch! 1585 01:14:11,625 --> 01:14:12,683 Hey, George Simmons. Hey. 1586 01:14:12,793 --> 01:14:14,158 Hey, what's up? 1587 01:14:14,261 --> 01:14:15,751 Happy Thanksgiving. Hey! 1588 01:14:15,862 --> 01:14:17,227 Mark. Leo is the name I got. 1589 01:14:17,364 --> 01:14:18,831 How are you? Yeah, yeah. Yo Teach...! 1590 01:14:18,932 --> 01:14:20,866 That's right! Yeah, right. 1591 01:14:21,368 --> 01:14:22,801 Oh, boy. 1592 01:14:22,936 --> 01:14:26,235 That movie's the best 'cause you're a man then you're a baby 1593 01:14:26,340 --> 01:14:28,968 and then you learn to be a man once you be... You need... 1594 01:14:29,076 --> 01:14:31,340 It takes becoming a baby to learn how to become a man. 1595 01:14:32,012 --> 01:14:34,742 Yeah. Can we get you a drink or some food? 1596 01:14:34,848 --> 01:14:37,180 No, no, no. Let me just walk around and go through your shit. 1597 01:14:37,284 --> 01:14:38,683 (LAUGHS) 1598 01:14:39,152 --> 01:14:40,744 Hey, I'm Bo. 1599 01:14:40,854 --> 01:14:42,287 What's up, Bo? I'm an actor, so... 1600 01:14:42,389 --> 01:14:45,187 Oh, good, good, good, good, good, good. 1601 01:14:46,993 --> 01:14:48,017 GEORGE: I've seen your act a lot. 1602 01:14:48,128 --> 01:14:49,288 Really? Where? 1603 01:14:49,396 --> 01:14:53,526 Schmira, he has that... What's that, the YouTubey thing that, that... 1604 01:14:53,834 --> 01:14:54,823 DAlSY: The YouTube. GEORGE: Yeah. 1605 01:14:54,935 --> 01:14:57,699 George and Daisy are here? How the hell did that happen? 1606 01:14:57,871 --> 01:15:00,203 I didn't think George would come, and who invited Daisy? 1607 01:15:00,307 --> 01:15:01,433 I invited her. 1608 01:15:01,541 --> 01:15:03,065 Are you still sleeping with Daisy? 1609 01:15:03,176 --> 01:15:04,643 No, I'm not sleeping with Daisy! 1610 01:15:04,778 --> 01:15:08,009 I have a new girlfriend now. I'm dating the girl who plays Mrs. Pruitt. 1611 01:15:08,115 --> 01:15:09,104 Her name's Carla something. 1612 01:15:11,333 --> 01:15:13,164 Can I sit next to George at dinner? 1613 01:15:13,269 --> 01:15:15,203 Sit wherever the hell you want to sit, man, why? 1614 01:15:15,337 --> 01:15:18,329 I feel like if I can just make George crack up once, 1615 01:15:18,741 --> 01:15:20,140 it'll do huge things for me, like... 1616 01:15:20,242 --> 01:15:21,504 What, you wrote jokes for Thanksgiving? 1617 01:15:21,610 --> 01:15:22,736 I didn't write jokes. 1618 01:15:22,845 --> 01:15:24,574 I just wrote down my funniest anecdotes 1619 01:15:24,680 --> 01:15:25,874 and punched them up here and there. 1620 01:15:26,382 --> 01:15:30,682 Okay, I can't hide in the kitchen all afternoon. I'm going. 1621 01:15:31,921 --> 01:15:33,684 My man. The Schmira. 1622 01:15:33,789 --> 01:15:35,222 Thanks for coming, man. 1623 01:15:35,324 --> 01:15:37,087 This is the best. Where's your bedroom? 1624 01:15:37,459 --> 01:15:39,984 Well, get ready for a hike, 'cause you're standing in it. 1625 01:15:40,095 --> 01:15:41,995 No. It's... Yeah, it's pretty lame. 1626 01:15:42,097 --> 01:15:43,428 Did you go to that Wilco show? 1627 01:15:43,532 --> 01:15:44,521 Yeah, did you? 1628 01:15:44,633 --> 01:15:47,500 (LAUGHS) No, actually, I didn't. I scalped the tickets. 1629 01:15:47,970 --> 01:15:48,959 I made 100 bucks profit, so... 1630 01:15:49,071 --> 01:15:50,060 Oh. So, you owe me 50. 1631 01:15:53,458 --> 01:15:56,086 Okay, I guess I do. Rain check, okay? 1632 01:15:56,194 --> 01:15:57,161 Money order. 1633 01:15:57,329 --> 01:15:58,455 Money order? That'll work. Yeah. 1634 01:15:58,564 --> 01:16:00,361 PayPal? Are you on PayPal? Yeah, PayPal it up. 1635 01:16:00,465 --> 01:16:03,025 Look at that, back and forth, like a cute couple. 1636 01:16:03,135 --> 01:16:05,535 You're like Marc Anthony and J. Lo. 1637 01:16:05,938 --> 01:16:09,567 You know, we actually had a date, but then I had sex with that guy, 1638 01:16:09,675 --> 01:16:11,108 so Schmira broke it off. 1639 01:16:11,209 --> 01:16:12,198 GEORGE: You kidding me? 1640 01:16:12,311 --> 01:16:15,474 Don't worry, lra. You know you're a better lover than Pete Rose over there. 1641 01:16:15,581 --> 01:16:17,412 Look at him. He's got the length and the width. 1642 01:16:17,516 --> 01:16:19,245 Imagine that dong of his. 1643 01:16:19,351 --> 01:16:21,512 I saw the tip of it one time. Even that was too big for me. 1644 01:16:21,620 --> 01:16:23,281 No, it's very normal. Yeah. 1645 01:16:23,388 --> 01:16:24,616 So, you like big penises? 1646 01:16:24,723 --> 01:16:27,283 Well, you know, I have a really skinny vagina, so... 1647 01:16:27,392 --> 01:16:29,189 If it's skinny, you should try feeding it carbs. 1648 01:16:29,294 --> 01:16:30,886 (LAUGHlNG) 1649 01:16:30,996 --> 01:16:32,588 Yeah. All right, well, jeez, you know what? 1650 01:16:32,698 --> 01:16:34,632 I'm gonna leave you two alone, huh? 1651 01:16:34,733 --> 01:16:35,700 Yeah, okay. 1652 01:16:35,801 --> 01:16:36,893 I'm falling in love with the both of you. 1653 01:16:37,002 --> 01:16:38,230 Let the awkwardness begin! 1654 01:16:38,337 --> 01:16:39,326 MAN: Love your work. 1655 01:16:39,438 --> 01:16:42,271 GEORGE: Yeah? Thank you for shopping at Ralphs. 1656 01:16:42,374 --> 01:16:45,400 I'm sorry. I owe you an apology. It's really weird what I did. 1657 01:16:45,510 --> 01:16:49,503 I basically yelled at you for cheating on me before we had even had a real conversation. 1658 01:16:49,648 --> 01:16:52,674 So, I'm aware of that. I know that's weird, and I'm sorry. 1659 01:16:52,784 --> 01:16:54,581 Well, it's not as weird as getting drunk 1660 01:16:54,686 --> 01:16:57,382 and having sex with the guy from Yo Teach...! So... 1661 01:16:57,723 --> 01:17:00,886 It's okay. When I first moved here, I blew Mr. Belvedere. 1662 01:17:01,093 --> 01:17:02,856 (LAUGHS) So, everyone does that. 1663 01:17:02,911 --> 01:17:04,037 He's walking. George is walking to us. 1664 01:17:04,146 --> 01:17:06,444 Hello, ladies. 1665 01:17:06,548 --> 01:17:10,211 So, Leo? What's the excuse for not writing me jokes? 1666 01:17:10,886 --> 01:17:12,751 What? You could have made money. 1667 01:17:12,855 --> 01:17:15,483 I told both you guys to write jokes for me, and you decided not to. 1668 01:17:15,591 --> 01:17:19,186 What, did you have to go to LensCrafters that day? 1669 01:17:19,295 --> 01:17:21,889 I was just joking. I like your glasses. 1670 01:17:23,365 --> 01:17:26,493 He wanted both of us to write jokes for him, and you didn't tell me? 1671 01:17:26,602 --> 01:17:29,298 I apologize. It's not worth, like, losing your shit over, man. 1672 01:17:29,405 --> 01:17:30,497 What, you don't think I like money? 1673 01:17:30,606 --> 01:17:31,903 You don't think I like private jets? 1674 01:17:32,007 --> 01:17:34,771 You don't think I want a cool job writing for George Simmons? 1675 01:17:34,877 --> 01:17:35,901 I just think you're doing well. 1676 01:17:36,011 --> 01:17:38,639 You know, you're getting gigs at the lmprov all the time. 1677 01:17:38,747 --> 01:17:40,214 You're gonna have people writing for you. 1678 01:17:40,316 --> 01:17:43,114 You don't need to be writing for other people, you know. 1679 01:17:43,218 --> 01:17:44,651 I know, I'm just... I'm sorry, I just... 1680 01:17:44,753 --> 01:17:47,153 I wanted something for myself and I just, you know... 1681 01:17:47,256 --> 01:17:49,952 It's just, you know, fuck you, lra! 1682 01:17:50,526 --> 01:17:52,016 Just 'cause you go into faggy-apology mode 1683 01:17:52,127 --> 01:17:54,391 doesn't mean I'm gonna forgive you right away! 1684 01:17:54,530 --> 01:17:58,591 Fuck you, man. Look, I did the exact same thing you've been doing this whole time. 1685 01:17:58,701 --> 01:18:00,293 You're being competitive. You do that all the time. 1686 01:18:00,402 --> 01:18:01,630 I'm doing it now, okay? 1687 01:18:01,737 --> 01:18:03,466 I didn't make it competitive! Yes, you did. 1688 01:18:03,572 --> 01:18:05,403 Have you ever had to work for money? No. 1689 01:18:05,507 --> 01:18:07,065 You didn't work at a coal mine, lra! 1690 01:18:07,176 --> 01:18:09,940 You worked at a deli! Stop crying about it! 1691 01:18:10,079 --> 01:18:12,707 I was only supposed to be on that pull-out couch for six months! 1692 01:18:12,815 --> 01:18:14,806 And we were supposed to trade! And we never did! 1693 01:18:14,917 --> 01:18:16,350 Yeah, we never did switch after six months. 1694 01:18:16,452 --> 01:18:17,419 Yeah. Exactly. 1695 01:18:17,519 --> 01:18:19,009 You know why? 'Cause I pay rent, lra! 1696 01:18:19,121 --> 01:18:20,554 You don't pay rent. Your parents pay rent! 1697 01:18:20,656 --> 01:18:22,180 Why don't they move in? It's your fault. 1698 01:18:22,291 --> 01:18:28,059 Hey, hey, hey. Pilgrims, lndians, can we please stop fighting? 1699 01:18:28,197 --> 01:18:30,961 It's Thanksgiving. We have guests inside. Please stop. 1700 01:18:31,066 --> 01:18:33,830 I'm not fighting anymore. I'm done fighting. 1701 01:18:33,936 --> 01:18:35,836 Thank you. LEO: You called Daisy a starfucker? 1702 01:18:35,938 --> 01:18:37,371 Why don't you go cup George Simmons' balls 1703 01:18:37,473 --> 01:18:40,340 while you talk him to sleep every night, lra? 1704 01:18:40,442 --> 01:18:42,034 Leo. 1705 01:18:42,444 --> 01:18:43,411 Sorry. 1706 01:18:43,946 --> 01:18:47,473 I would let you do that, too. My balls are for everybody. 1707 01:18:49,618 --> 01:18:53,213 Okay. It's starting to feel like Thanksgiving around here. 1708 01:18:53,956 --> 01:18:55,048 Let's eat some food. 1709 01:19:00,963 --> 01:19:03,659 I can't believe you screwed Daisy, man. 1710 01:19:05,167 --> 01:19:06,225 What? 1711 01:19:07,202 --> 01:19:10,501 So, does anybody want to say grace or anything? 1712 01:19:10,606 --> 01:19:12,801 Leo's a good writer, apparently. Come on, get up there. 1713 01:19:12,908 --> 01:19:14,432 Yeah, Leo. 1714 01:19:14,543 --> 01:19:15,908 MAN: Leo! Do it, Leo. 1715 01:19:16,011 --> 01:19:16,978 I'm okay, I'm okay. 1716 01:19:17,079 --> 01:19:19,343 All right, let me go. I'll do it for us. 1717 01:19:19,448 --> 01:19:21,507 Let me get it done. 1718 01:19:21,617 --> 01:19:26,418 Okay, so first let's give thanks to our families not being here. 1719 01:19:26,522 --> 01:19:27,489 (ALL AGREElNG) 1720 01:19:27,589 --> 01:19:30,490 It's always easier, always easier without the family. 1721 01:19:31,326 --> 01:19:35,194 It's funny, I see you guys and you are just so much younger than me. 1722 01:19:35,330 --> 01:19:38,561 And I had no idea I was the old guy until I looked at you guys. 1723 01:19:40,135 --> 01:19:42,296 It was like when I was growing up, I had a big nose. 1724 01:19:42,404 --> 01:19:45,669 I had no idea until I went to the Gap and saw a three-way mirror, 1725 01:19:45,774 --> 01:19:48,242 and I was like, "Wow, I didn't know I had that thing." 1726 01:19:48,343 --> 01:19:49,310 (ALL LAUGH) 1727 01:19:49,445 --> 01:19:52,903 Yeah. No, it's a... It's good to be young. 1728 01:19:53,015 --> 01:19:55,745 It kind of sucks being old, so just enjoy this. 1729 01:19:55,851 --> 01:19:59,844 Enjoy time. Time slips away, I promise you. 1730 01:19:59,955 --> 01:20:03,413 I had a dinner like this 20 years ago 1731 01:20:03,559 --> 01:20:07,620 with guys that we just, like, lost touch with each other. 1732 01:20:07,729 --> 01:20:10,926 I never talk to them anymore. Some of them are dead. 1733 01:20:11,767 --> 01:20:16,136 So, yeah, you don't... Things slip away. 1734 01:20:17,673 --> 01:20:20,699 If you love somebody, don't let them slip away. 1735 01:20:21,910 --> 01:20:23,775 I swear to you, 1736 01:20:23,879 --> 01:20:26,404 this will be your most memorable Thanksgiving, 1737 01:20:26,548 --> 01:20:29,210 the one that you'll want the rest of your life, the one that you say, 1738 01:20:29,318 --> 01:20:31,946 "Man, it was never as good as that night." 1739 01:20:32,054 --> 01:20:36,457 So, let this night be great. Enjoy the taste of Leo's balls. 1740 01:20:36,558 --> 01:20:38,150 (ALL LAUGHlNG) 1741 01:20:38,260 --> 01:20:39,284 Rock 'n' roll! 1742 01:20:40,596 --> 01:20:44,225 Jesus, every time I'm near you I feel like fucking Danny DeVito. 1743 01:20:44,333 --> 01:20:47,063 Everybody feels like Danny DeVito when, you know, they walk by me. 1744 01:20:47,169 --> 01:20:48,466 Yeah. You're a giant. 1745 01:20:48,570 --> 01:20:49,537 (CLEARS THROAT) 1746 01:20:49,638 --> 01:20:51,265 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah. 1747 01:20:51,907 --> 01:20:52,999 Um... 1748 01:20:53,575 --> 01:20:54,542 I don't want to get your hopes up. 1749 01:20:54,643 --> 01:20:55,632 Mmm-hmm. 1750 01:20:55,744 --> 01:20:59,236 We put you on this experimental medication without much optimism. 1751 01:20:59,348 --> 01:21:03,546 About 8% of all the people that we put on this medication get positive results. 1752 01:21:03,652 --> 01:21:04,641 Mmm-hmm. 1753 01:21:04,753 --> 01:21:08,086 You actually belong to these 8%. 1754 01:21:08,190 --> 01:21:09,657 I looked through your blood work, 1755 01:21:09,758 --> 01:21:12,693 and I couldn't find any traces of the disease. 1756 01:21:13,695 --> 01:21:16,027 I don't want to speak too soon, 1757 01:21:16,131 --> 01:21:17,655 but we may have beaten this thing. 1758 01:21:20,719 --> 01:21:23,187 Are you fucking with me 'cause I fucked with you? 1759 01:21:23,288 --> 01:21:26,587 So, that's the good news, Mr. Bond. 1760 01:21:26,691 --> 01:21:28,181 (BOTH CHUCKLE) 1761 01:21:29,027 --> 01:21:31,689 So, this is, this is... This is good news. 1762 01:21:32,864 --> 01:21:34,832 Like my accent now? 1763 01:21:34,933 --> 01:21:36,696 Now I like your accent, yeah. 1764 01:21:37,369 --> 01:21:40,167 I was excited all morning to tell you this news. 1765 01:21:40,672 --> 01:21:43,038 So, what happens now? What do l... What do I do now? 1766 01:21:43,141 --> 01:21:46,872 Maybe you can make another funny movie that I could laugh about. 1767 01:21:47,012 --> 01:21:52,279 Yeah. Wow. I wasn't expecting this to really work. 1768 01:21:52,384 --> 01:21:53,715 I was getting used to being sick. 1769 01:21:53,818 --> 01:21:56,719 I was actually thinking I was pretty good at that. 1770 01:21:56,821 --> 01:21:58,755 Get back to your life. 1771 01:22:04,696 --> 01:22:06,857 (PHONE RINGING) 1772 01:22:06,965 --> 01:22:09,331 IRA: Hey, this is Ira. I'm not in. Leave a message. 1773 01:22:09,434 --> 01:22:10,458 (PHONE BEEPS) 1774 01:22:10,569 --> 01:22:16,235 (SlNGSONGY) lra, I have a secret to tell you. It will make you happy. 1775 01:22:35,226 --> 01:22:37,217 Hi. Bonita? 1776 01:22:37,329 --> 01:22:38,296 George. 1777 01:22:41,633 --> 01:22:44,796 I was sick, you know that. And I just went to the doctor's. 1778 01:22:44,903 --> 01:22:47,098 He said I'm not sick anymore. 1779 01:22:47,205 --> 01:22:49,105 Oh, congratulations. 1780 01:22:52,444 --> 01:22:55,902 I found the pants you're looking for. They are in the closet. 1781 01:22:58,183 --> 01:22:59,775 Thank you. 1782 01:23:00,885 --> 01:23:01,874 Bye, George. 1783 01:23:03,688 --> 01:23:05,986 George! Is it true? 1784 01:23:06,825 --> 01:23:08,122 It's true. Yes! 1785 01:23:08,226 --> 01:23:09,853 It's all right. All right, go ahead. Yeah! 1786 01:23:09,961 --> 01:23:10,928 All right. 1787 01:23:11,029 --> 01:23:13,998 (LAUGHlNG) Oh, God! Yeah! 1788 01:23:14,099 --> 01:23:15,191 All right, baby. 1789 01:23:15,300 --> 01:23:18,531 All right, all right. Now what the fuck do we do? 1790 01:23:20,705 --> 01:23:22,798 Hey, congratulations, George. That's awesome, man. 1791 01:23:22,907 --> 01:23:24,568 Thank you. You got cured of AlDS. 1792 01:23:24,709 --> 01:23:25,937 (LAUGHS) I didn't have AlDS. 1793 01:23:26,044 --> 01:23:27,136 Hey, let me get you a cocktail. 1794 01:23:27,245 --> 01:23:28,769 Hey, not an AlDS cocktail. A regular. 1795 01:23:28,880 --> 01:23:30,370 No, I don't want a drink. I'm good. 1796 01:23:30,482 --> 01:23:33,076 I'm gonna get one of them ribbons. 1797 01:23:33,685 --> 01:23:34,982 You're alive? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 1798 01:23:35,086 --> 01:23:38,180 Unbelievable! This guy. This guy, man. 1799 01:23:38,289 --> 01:23:42,225 You got the women, you got the fame, and you can't fucking die! 1800 01:23:42,327 --> 01:23:44,522 Did you suck the devil's dick? What is it, man? 1801 01:23:44,629 --> 01:23:45,687 I wanna know the secret. 1802 01:23:45,797 --> 01:23:47,492 I actually told a bunch of people we did have sex, 1803 01:23:47,599 --> 01:23:48,998 so if you could go along with that. 1804 01:23:49,100 --> 01:23:50,260 You did? Yes. 1805 01:23:50,368 --> 01:23:54,600 Everybody wants to fuck me, but it's better that I don't 1806 01:23:54,706 --> 01:23:56,071 because you don't want... 1807 01:23:56,174 --> 01:23:58,335 The mystery is definitely more flattering... 1808 01:23:58,443 --> 01:23:59,410 Yeah? 1809 01:23:59,511 --> 01:24:02,241 ...and the reality is so, like, flobbety. 1810 01:24:02,347 --> 01:24:04,042 Like not the word, but... Floppety? Yeah, lippety. 1811 01:24:04,449 --> 01:24:06,383 Yeah, I look like this. Like a sandwich. 1812 01:24:06,484 --> 01:24:08,247 Like a... There's, like, meat coming. 1813 01:24:08,353 --> 01:24:09,342 (CHUCKLlNG) 1814 01:24:09,454 --> 01:24:11,513 That would have been... I could get... 1815 01:24:11,623 --> 01:24:13,284 (EXCLAlMlNG) Look at that! 1816 01:24:13,925 --> 01:24:15,620 "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!" 1817 01:24:15,727 --> 01:24:18,389 Shit! Shit! I didn't know you had energy like that. Jesus... 1818 01:24:20,166 --> 01:24:22,657 How did he... Like, how did he know he had it? 1819 01:24:23,402 --> 01:24:27,532 He was saying... He said that he was, like, dizzy and tired and he went to the doctor, 1820 01:24:27,640 --> 01:24:30,609 and then he just got... It was in his blood work. 1821 01:24:30,710 --> 01:24:33,042 That sucks 'cause I get dizzy and tired. 1822 01:24:33,145 --> 01:24:34,112 Really? 1823 01:24:35,014 --> 01:24:37,574 Anybody... Anybody gets sick, I think I'm going to get it. 1824 01:24:37,683 --> 01:24:39,776 Now, is it contagious? It's not contagious? 1825 01:24:39,885 --> 01:24:40,874 No. Can you get it, like... 1826 01:24:40,986 --> 01:24:44,319 I hope not. I don't think so. I've been around him a lot. I feel... 1827 01:24:44,423 --> 01:24:45,856 I feel... I hope not, too, because 1828 01:24:45,958 --> 01:24:48,518 when you were talking, a little bit of your spit hit my lip, so... 1829 01:24:48,627 --> 01:24:49,992 It did? Yeah. Not that you got it, 1830 01:24:50,096 --> 01:24:52,030 but he spits on your lip, you spit on mine, next thing you know 1831 01:24:52,131 --> 01:24:54,497 I'm dead and my wife's fucking George Lopez. 1832 01:24:54,867 --> 01:24:56,425 But I think the best thing for you would be, you know... 1833 01:24:56,535 --> 01:24:58,196 The best cure, besides the real cure, 1834 01:24:58,304 --> 01:25:02,035 is to get back to work and do what you do. 1835 01:25:02,441 --> 01:25:04,409 There are stacks of offers on my desk for you. 1836 01:25:04,510 --> 01:25:07,411 I mean, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting an offer for you. 1837 01:25:07,513 --> 01:25:09,003 Oh, good. Yeah, you ready for this? 1838 01:25:09,115 --> 01:25:11,140 Paul Rudd wants to do a bromance with you. 1839 01:25:11,250 --> 01:25:14,310 I think I might... I just might even not work for a little while. 1840 01:25:14,420 --> 01:25:15,910 I was thinking maybe just, like, taking time off, 1841 01:25:16,021 --> 01:25:19,684 try to get myself in a relationship with, like, 1842 01:25:19,792 --> 01:25:21,555 another human being, a normal one. 1843 01:25:21,660 --> 01:25:22,718 Just see if I can handle that. 1844 01:25:22,828 --> 01:25:24,125 Funny you should say that. I've... 'Cause I invited someone. 1845 01:25:25,848 --> 01:25:27,941 Brought... Invited this woman here today that I think you'd really like. 1846 01:25:28,049 --> 01:25:29,038 I think you'd really hit it off with her. 1847 01:25:29,150 --> 01:25:31,584 She's... She's great. She's something new for you. 1848 01:25:31,686 --> 01:25:33,881 A real person. She's not a waitress. 1849 01:25:33,989 --> 01:25:35,183 She's not an actress. 1850 01:25:35,290 --> 01:25:36,257 All right, thanks. 1851 01:25:36,758 --> 01:25:40,626 You know, the lnternet dating thing actually... Actually kind of works. 1852 01:25:41,029 --> 01:25:41,996 That's good. 1853 01:25:42,097 --> 01:25:43,496 I've actually been on a couple of JDates. 1854 01:25:43,598 --> 01:25:44,565 No way. What's that? 1855 01:25:44,666 --> 01:25:45,997 Yeah... What's a JDate? 1856 01:25:46,101 --> 01:25:48,092 What, is that an lnternet thing I should know about? 1857 01:25:48,203 --> 01:25:49,761 I'm not... I don't do that shit. 1858 01:25:49,871 --> 01:25:52,965 It's a website where Jewish people can find each other. 1859 01:25:53,074 --> 01:25:55,304 Really? A whole list of Jewish people? Yeah. 1860 01:25:55,410 --> 01:25:58,607 I didn't think Jewish people liked to be on lists. 1861 01:26:00,181 --> 01:26:02,149 Because of the Holocaust. 1862 01:26:03,852 --> 01:26:05,410 Wow. 1863 01:26:05,520 --> 01:26:06,782 How's this going, by the way? 1864 01:26:08,089 --> 01:26:10,182 It's been great to meet you. 1865 01:26:11,826 --> 01:26:14,624 You know what? I think you fucked up. 1866 01:26:16,231 --> 01:26:17,198 How's that? 1867 01:26:17,298 --> 01:26:19,095 I think you fucked up. I think... 1868 01:26:19,200 --> 01:26:20,224 (SlGHS) 1869 01:26:20,335 --> 01:26:22,166 I don't think you should have took that medicine. 1870 01:26:22,270 --> 01:26:23,464 Why not? 1871 01:26:24,839 --> 01:26:27,808 I don't know. Personally, I think you should have just let yourself die. 1872 01:26:27,942 --> 01:26:29,637 Honestly, man, what are... What are you gonna do now? 1873 01:26:29,744 --> 01:26:31,837 Make another bullshit movie? 1874 01:26:31,946 --> 01:26:34,141 Fuck another chick who doesn't like you? 1875 01:26:34,249 --> 01:26:36,342 You know? That was your way out right there. 1876 01:26:36,451 --> 01:26:37,975 Hmm. Now you're fucking stuck. 1877 01:26:38,086 --> 01:26:39,075 Yeah. 1878 01:26:39,187 --> 01:26:40,848 You're stuck just like me. 1879 01:26:40,955 --> 01:26:42,422 Can't go to fucking Chuck E. Cheese. 1880 01:26:42,524 --> 01:26:45,049 I can't go to Target, I can't go to Best Buy. 1881 01:26:45,193 --> 01:26:46,888 I can't go to fucking Wal-Mart, Kmart. 1882 01:26:46,995 --> 01:26:48,656 You fucking name it, I can't go there. 1883 01:26:48,797 --> 01:26:49,786 Yeah, that's true. 1884 01:26:49,898 --> 01:26:52,059 Everyone in this fucking room is either staring at us, 1885 01:26:52,167 --> 01:26:53,657 wanting to take a fucking picture. Mmm-hmm. 1886 01:26:54,269 --> 01:26:55,531 Yeah. Got it. 1887 01:26:55,637 --> 01:26:56,626 E-mail that to me. 1888 01:26:56,738 --> 01:26:58,831 I will. That's awesome. Yeah. 1889 01:26:58,940 --> 01:27:02,808 Who the fuck is that guy right there? That fucking guy right there. 1890 01:27:03,011 --> 01:27:05,172 What? Ray Romano's bothering you? 1891 01:27:05,280 --> 01:27:06,542 Who? Ray, Ray who? 1892 01:27:06,648 --> 01:27:09,116 Ray Romano, the guy from Everybody Loves Raymond. 1893 01:27:09,217 --> 01:27:10,309 I don't give a fuck what show he's on. 1894 01:27:10,418 --> 01:27:12,249 I'll fuck this motherfucker up, man! 1895 01:27:12,353 --> 01:27:14,480 Hey. Hey, Ray! 1896 01:27:14,589 --> 01:27:15,556 Hello, Marshall. 1897 01:27:15,657 --> 01:27:17,056 Fucking problem here, buddy? 1898 01:27:17,992 --> 01:27:21,018 Would you like to fuck me? Is that what this is? 1899 01:27:21,129 --> 01:27:22,187 I don't get it, man. What's going on? 1900 01:27:22,297 --> 01:27:25,391 Would you like me to fucking bend over for you right now? 1901 01:27:25,500 --> 01:27:27,092 (WHlSPERlNG) Say no. No, man. 1902 01:27:27,435 --> 01:27:28,595 (EXHALES) 1903 01:27:28,703 --> 01:27:30,193 I just gotta always be on my toes, man. 1904 01:27:30,305 --> 01:27:31,272 You know? 1905 01:27:31,372 --> 01:27:32,737 (SCOFFS) I see that, but not with Ray Romano. 1906 01:27:32,841 --> 01:27:34,468 This is why I don't go out of the house. 1907 01:27:34,576 --> 01:27:36,840 I thought everybody loved you. 1908 01:27:38,279 --> 01:27:42,978 So, now that you got this, this second chance, man, like, what do you want? 1909 01:27:43,084 --> 01:27:44,915 I kind of don't want anything. 1910 01:27:46,087 --> 01:27:47,918 So, then what are we celebrating? 1911 01:28:00,435 --> 01:28:01,402 Clarke? 1912 01:28:01,503 --> 01:28:02,470 (IMITATING PIRATE) Yes, it's Clarke. 1913 01:28:02,570 --> 01:28:06,006 It's Clarke and l... I'm calling to check on you, matey. 1914 01:28:06,107 --> 01:28:07,096 (LAUGHING) 1915 01:28:07,208 --> 01:28:08,402 Yeah. 1916 01:28:08,510 --> 01:28:13,379 I'm back from the sea. It's fun to play with my didjeridu! 1917 01:28:13,481 --> 01:28:15,847 (lMlTATlNG PlRATE) You sound a little bit like a pirate. 1918 01:28:15,950 --> 01:28:19,386 Do I sound Australian? Is this what Clarke sounds like? 1919 01:28:19,521 --> 01:28:21,955 That's a terrible Australian accent. 1920 01:28:22,056 --> 01:28:23,045 What are you doing, Laura? 1921 01:28:23,158 --> 01:28:24,625 Am I bothering you? Is he there? No, no, no, no, no. 1922 01:28:24,726 --> 01:28:26,455 Am I supposed to hang up? What's going on? 1923 01:28:26,661 --> 01:28:28,856 Clarke's away for business in China. 1924 01:28:28,963 --> 01:28:31,625 Ah! Sent him out for egg rolls again? 1925 01:28:31,733 --> 01:28:34,201 Are you guys all right? What's going on? 1926 01:28:34,602 --> 01:28:36,502 Mable has her recital tomorrow. 1927 01:28:36,604 --> 01:28:38,003 She's singing Memory from Cats. 1928 01:28:38,106 --> 01:28:39,095 Oh, yeah? 1929 01:28:39,207 --> 01:28:40,401 You know that song, Memory? 1930 01:28:40,508 --> 01:28:42,373 Yeah. I wish I could be there to see that. 1931 01:28:42,477 --> 01:28:43,444 You can come. 1932 01:28:43,545 --> 01:28:45,513 I can come? All right, I'm coming. 1933 01:28:45,613 --> 01:28:46,739 Your daughter will be all right with that? 1934 01:28:46,848 --> 01:28:48,975 That I'm sitting right next to you holding you tight? 1935 01:28:49,083 --> 01:28:51,677 Stop. How are you feeling? 1936 01:28:51,786 --> 01:28:53,651 I'm doing good. I'm doing... 1937 01:28:53,755 --> 01:28:55,586 It is what it is. I... 1938 01:28:55,690 --> 01:28:57,214 So, what happened with your tests? 1939 01:28:57,859 --> 01:29:00,020 Laura, let's not talk about all that. 1940 01:29:00,128 --> 01:29:01,254 What did the doctor say? 1941 01:29:01,863 --> 01:29:05,993 The Swedish Nazi? He never has good news. 1942 01:29:06,100 --> 01:29:08,796 It is what it is. I don't want to talk about it. 1943 01:29:09,838 --> 01:29:12,204 Come on, let's just talk about you. 1944 01:29:12,307 --> 01:29:14,707 What are you doing, Laura? 1945 01:29:14,809 --> 01:29:16,504 Do you want me to talk you to sleep? 1946 01:29:16,978 --> 01:29:18,946 Oh, my God. You remember. 1947 01:29:20,582 --> 01:29:21,844 You want me to do that for you? 1948 01:29:21,950 --> 01:29:23,440 You will talk to me while I try to go to sleep? 1949 01:29:23,551 --> 01:29:26,418 I'll put you on speakerphone. That will be the best night of my life. 1950 01:29:26,521 --> 01:29:29,786 Let's not go to sleep yet, though, please. Just talk to Laura. 1951 01:29:31,292 --> 01:29:32,316 IRA: Hello? 1952 01:29:32,427 --> 01:29:33,621 Hi, lra. 1953 01:29:33,728 --> 01:29:34,717 Hey, how's it going? 1954 01:29:35,296 --> 01:29:36,923 Ira, you're my best friend. 1955 01:29:37,031 --> 01:29:38,589 (LAUGHS) I like you, too. 1956 01:29:38,733 --> 01:29:40,496 You're my best friend. 1957 01:29:40,602 --> 01:29:42,331 You sound like you're in a good mood, man. 1958 01:29:42,437 --> 01:29:44,905 (lMlTATlNG PlRATE) I'm in a great mood because we're setting sail today. 1959 01:29:45,006 --> 01:29:46,496 We're gonna do a gig together! 1960 01:29:46,608 --> 01:29:47,973 Ira and Georgie, finally on the road! 1961 01:29:49,660 --> 01:29:53,221 Oh, we're setting sail, are we? Where, where are we going? 1962 01:29:53,330 --> 01:29:57,733 We're going to the Port of San Francisco. We set sail on the morrow. 1963 01:29:57,835 --> 01:29:59,200 How much time am I supposed to do? 1964 01:29:59,303 --> 01:30:03,763 Oh, they've booked you to do a minute for every inch of cock you have. 1965 01:30:03,874 --> 01:30:06,434 You'll be doing two and a half to four minutes, 1966 01:30:06,543 --> 01:30:09,103 depending on your mood, little Ira. 1967 01:30:09,580 --> 01:30:14,244 I was invited to a... Or I was able to go to a fundraiser 1968 01:30:14,351 --> 01:30:16,842 for Barack Obama, when he was running for president. 1969 01:30:17,488 --> 01:30:21,857 And you could walk right up to him and I did. 1970 01:30:21,959 --> 01:30:25,861 And I prepared a smart question and I was like, 1971 01:30:25,963 --> 01:30:32,527 "Senator Obama, when you were a student in Boston, did you encounter any racism?" 1972 01:30:32,636 --> 01:30:38,597 And he said something really, really interesting. He said... 1973 01:30:39,743 --> 01:30:41,836 He said, "I'm Kanye West. " 1974 01:30:42,012 --> 01:30:44,242 (AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG) 1975 01:30:47,651 --> 01:30:49,710 George, you have a visitor. 1976 01:30:49,820 --> 01:30:50,946 GEORGE: Oh. 1977 01:30:51,722 --> 01:30:53,622 Hi. Whoa! 1978 01:30:53,724 --> 01:30:54,748 LAURA: Hello. Wow. 1979 01:30:54,858 --> 01:30:56,223 Hey, hi! Hey! 1980 01:30:56,360 --> 01:30:57,725 All right. How are you? 1981 01:30:57,828 --> 01:30:58,795 LAURA: I'm good. 1982 01:30:58,896 --> 01:31:00,727 I'm so psyched you came. 1983 01:31:00,831 --> 01:31:02,731 Wow, you look amazing! Thank you. 1984 01:31:02,833 --> 01:31:04,596 Beautiful. I think I overdressed. 1985 01:31:04,701 --> 01:31:05,929 No way. You look incredible. 1986 01:31:06,036 --> 01:31:07,025 I just... 1987 01:31:07,137 --> 01:31:08,627 Where... Where is he? Where is the Clarke? 1988 01:31:10,358 --> 01:31:13,987 The Clarke? He's out of town. I was gonna bring my friend Betsy with me, 1989 01:31:14,094 --> 01:31:16,187 but her son started throwing up, so... 1990 01:31:16,296 --> 01:31:19,026 The husband's out of town, baby's vomiting. Rock 'n' roll. 1991 01:31:19,133 --> 01:31:22,591 (LAUGHlNG) I like it. Yeah. Yeah. 1992 01:31:22,703 --> 01:31:24,034 Anyway, I don't want to keep you 1993 01:31:24,138 --> 01:31:25,162 or get in the way. 1994 01:31:25,272 --> 01:31:26,796 No, don't run away. Come on, lra, say hello. 1995 01:31:26,907 --> 01:31:27,874 Hey, lra. 1996 01:31:27,975 --> 01:31:28,999 Hey, how's it going? 1997 01:31:29,109 --> 01:31:31,703 So, I'll let you go. I just wanted to say hi. 1998 01:31:31,812 --> 01:31:33,609 No cursing. Don't curse so much. 1999 01:31:33,714 --> 01:31:35,807 Okay, all right! Nothing dirty. I don't know how. 2000 01:31:35,916 --> 01:31:38,942 You just cut my set in half, but that's fine. All right, see you, kid. 2001 01:31:39,052 --> 01:31:40,019 Okay, good luck. 2002 01:31:40,120 --> 01:31:41,747 Thanks for coming. 2003 01:31:43,824 --> 01:31:47,089 You gotta tell her I'm better at intermission, all right? 2004 01:31:47,194 --> 01:31:48,684 You haven't told her that you're better? 2005 01:31:48,795 --> 01:31:50,490 No, I'm not good at stuff like that. 2006 01:31:50,597 --> 01:31:52,690 Just... She'll be cool with it. She'll be... 2007 01:31:52,799 --> 01:31:55,927 You're giving her good news, she'll be happy. 2008 01:31:56,036 --> 01:31:57,333 We're gonna go by her house tomorrow, too. 2009 01:31:57,437 --> 01:31:58,426 (SlGHS) 2010 01:31:58,539 --> 01:32:00,564 Yeah, we're just visiting her. I just want to say hi, 2011 01:32:00,674 --> 01:32:02,608 see how she's doing, where she lives, that kind of thing. 2012 01:32:02,910 --> 01:32:05,378 Why did you guys break up in the first place? 2013 01:32:06,113 --> 01:32:07,478 I cheated on her. 2014 01:32:07,581 --> 01:32:09,412 Why would you cheat on her? 2015 01:32:09,516 --> 01:32:12,679 It's easy not to cheat when no one wants to fuck you, you judgmental prick. 2016 01:32:12,786 --> 01:32:13,810 Okay. 2017 01:32:15,406 --> 01:32:20,469 I have a theory that Tom Cruise, David Beckham and Will Smith 2018 01:32:20,578 --> 01:32:22,569 have mooshed the heads of their penises together. 2019 01:32:22,680 --> 01:32:24,409 (AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG) 2020 01:32:24,882 --> 01:32:26,110 I think that this has happened. 2021 01:32:26,217 --> 01:32:27,844 I don't think it happened in a gay way. 2022 01:32:27,952 --> 01:32:29,283 I think it just happened out of boredom. 2023 01:32:29,386 --> 01:32:31,354 I think just rich-dude boredom. 2024 01:32:31,455 --> 01:32:34,891 Just like, "What have we not done, guys? We've done everything!" 2025 01:32:35,025 --> 01:32:37,493 "I'll tell you one thing we haven't done. " 2026 01:32:37,595 --> 01:32:41,031 And I bet when it happened, it was an epic occurrence. It was huge. 2027 01:32:41,165 --> 01:32:42,257 I think of it all the time. 2028 01:32:42,366 --> 01:32:44,664 I think first, you know, David and Tom touched dick heads. 2029 01:32:44,768 --> 01:32:48,932 And it was easy, just zoonk. Because there was a magnetic field to it. 2030 01:32:49,139 --> 01:32:50,902 And then Will Smith started approaching with his dick 2031 01:32:51,008 --> 01:32:52,873 and, like, wind started blowing in his face, 2032 01:32:52,977 --> 01:32:57,744 and paper started flying everywhere and he just couldn't do it. 2033 01:32:57,848 --> 01:32:59,440 And they're like, "Come on, Will, get it in there!" 2034 01:32:59,550 --> 01:33:00,915 "I can't do it!" 2035 01:33:01,018 --> 01:33:01,985 Beckham yells, 2036 01:33:02,086 --> 01:33:05,112 (IN BRITISH ACCENT) "Don't cross the streams! It's like Ghost Busters!" 2037 01:33:05,389 --> 01:33:07,721 And then he does it and Flash by Queen starts playing. 2038 01:33:07,825 --> 01:33:09,190 It's just, Flash! Ahhh! 2039 01:33:09,593 --> 01:33:14,087 Light shoots into the sky! That's how stars are born, I think. 2040 01:33:15,132 --> 01:33:18,829 Anyway, I'm Ira Wright. Have a good night. Thank you, all, very much. 2041 01:33:25,843 --> 01:33:27,140 IRA: Hey. How's it going? 2042 01:33:27,244 --> 01:33:28,506 That was so good! 2043 01:33:29,246 --> 01:33:30,873 You seem so surprised. 2044 01:33:30,981 --> 01:33:32,141 Well, you looked so nervous before. 2045 01:33:32,249 --> 01:33:33,375 I was, actually. 2046 01:33:33,484 --> 01:33:34,508 That was good. That was really good. 2047 01:33:34,618 --> 01:33:36,085 Thank you. I appreciate that. 2048 01:33:36,186 --> 01:33:39,587 And the ball cleavage thing, that was hilarious. 2049 01:33:39,723 --> 01:33:43,159 Classic stuff. Thank you. Glad you're having fun. 2050 01:33:45,629 --> 01:33:47,597 George says that he's known you for a while. How did... 2051 01:33:47,698 --> 01:33:49,529 Yeah. How did you guys first hook up? 2052 01:33:49,633 --> 01:33:52,101 I was the hat-check girl at the lmprov and I was an actress. 2053 01:33:52,436 --> 01:33:53,562 So, you kind of... Yeah, yeah. 2054 01:33:53,671 --> 01:33:56,765 That's good. What, were you in anything I might've seen? 2055 01:33:56,874 --> 01:34:01,607 I did those, like, Melrose Place and 90210. 2056 01:34:01,712 --> 01:34:02,679 Awesome. 2057 01:34:02,780 --> 01:34:03,838 I always played the bitch. 2058 01:34:03,947 --> 01:34:05,107 I wasn't that good, actually. 2059 01:34:05,215 --> 01:34:06,512 No, you must be a great actress, 2060 01:34:06,617 --> 01:34:08,175 'cause you're not at all bitchy, so... 2061 01:34:08,285 --> 01:34:09,343 (LAUGHS) 2062 01:34:09,453 --> 01:34:10,511 Thanks, lra. 2063 01:34:10,621 --> 01:34:15,422 Okay, look, I'm not... Honestly, I'm not supposed to be telling you 2064 01:34:15,526 --> 01:34:18,222 what I'm about to tell you because George... He doesn't want to jinx it. 2065 01:34:18,329 --> 01:34:22,629 It's not 100%, but the last time that he went to the doctor, 2066 01:34:22,733 --> 01:34:26,726 they couldn't find any trace of the disease in his blood work anymore, 2067 01:34:26,837 --> 01:34:29,397 so it seems like he might be better. 2068 01:34:29,506 --> 01:34:30,495 What are you talking about? 2069 01:34:30,607 --> 01:34:31,835 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen... 2070 01:34:31,942 --> 01:34:33,273 We think he might be okay. 2071 01:34:33,377 --> 01:34:35,470 ...George Simmons! 2072 01:34:35,579 --> 01:34:37,274 (AUDlENCE CHEERlNG) 2073 01:34:46,724 --> 01:34:48,021 Thank you. 2074 01:34:48,125 --> 01:34:51,720 Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. 2075 01:34:53,864 --> 01:34:55,695 It's great to be here. 2076 01:34:57,000 --> 01:34:59,833 It's great. It's great to be alive! 2077 01:35:01,438 --> 01:35:04,373 Yeah, man. Thank you. Right on. Okay. 2078 01:35:04,475 --> 01:35:05,567 MAN: Thank you for coming, George! 2079 01:35:05,676 --> 01:35:06,700 Thank you. All right. 2080 01:35:06,810 --> 01:35:09,472 That's very nice. Man, oh, man. 2081 01:35:10,214 --> 01:35:13,513 Any other 40-year-olds out there tonight? In their 40s? 2082 01:35:13,617 --> 01:35:14,879 It's funny. In your 20s you're like, 2083 01:35:14,985 --> 01:35:17,078 "Fuck you, man. Fuck that shit. 2084 01:35:17,187 --> 01:35:19,621 "Fuck my parents. I don't need none of that shit. " 2085 01:35:19,723 --> 01:35:21,418 In your 30s you're like, "Fuck the President. 2086 01:35:21,525 --> 01:35:23,857 "Fuck that guy, that fucking asshole. " 2087 01:35:23,961 --> 01:35:26,191 In your 40s you're like, "I'm hungry. 2088 01:35:26,296 --> 01:35:27,422 (AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG) 2089 01:35:27,531 --> 01:35:29,522 "What do we have in the fridge?" 2090 01:35:32,603 --> 01:35:36,767 So, yeah, I'm fucking famous and rich, and it's crazy. 2091 01:35:37,775 --> 01:35:40,039 It's... You know why? 'Cause I hate rich people. 2092 01:35:40,144 --> 01:35:41,668 Fucking I'm rich and I hate rich people. 2093 01:35:41,779 --> 01:35:43,940 I hate everything I fucking do now. 2094 01:35:44,047 --> 01:35:45,139 I go to Hawaii, I'm like, 2095 01:35:45,249 --> 01:35:49,549 "You fucking snotty cocksucker, going to Hawaii. " 2096 01:35:50,154 --> 01:35:54,090 Buy a new car, "La-di-da, look who's got a new car. " 2097 01:35:54,758 --> 01:35:58,159 You know, I thought about giving all my money, just giving it away, 2098 01:35:58,262 --> 01:36:01,527 but then I was like, "What a rich-guy thing to do. 2099 01:36:03,767 --> 01:36:05,394 "Mr. Charitable. " 2100 01:36:05,502 --> 01:36:06,696 (ALL LAUGHlNG) 2101 01:36:06,804 --> 01:36:09,204 Well, why didn't you tell me? I was just here. 2102 01:36:09,306 --> 01:36:11,900 Laura, if I told you, you might not have talked to me anymore, so l... 2103 01:36:12,009 --> 01:36:13,738 What are you talking about? That's ridiculous. 2104 01:36:13,844 --> 01:36:15,709 I knew you forgave me because I was sick 2105 01:36:15,813 --> 01:36:17,576 and there was no other way you would forgive me. 2106 01:36:17,681 --> 01:36:18,978 I know, but it's different now. 2107 01:36:19,082 --> 01:36:21,346 We've been talking... What are you... No! 2108 01:36:21,452 --> 01:36:22,419 Really? 2109 01:36:22,519 --> 01:36:24,646 This is... So, what are you... So, did the... 2110 01:36:25,055 --> 01:36:26,989 The doctor said I'm good. I'm better for now. 2111 01:36:27,090 --> 01:36:28,387 I don't know what the hell's gonna happen, 2112 01:36:28,492 --> 01:36:29,481 but for now the guy said I'm good. 2113 01:36:32,012 --> 01:36:33,206 (SlGHS) 2114 01:36:33,680 --> 01:36:35,272 I'm so happy. 2115 01:36:35,382 --> 01:36:36,576 You are happy? 2116 01:36:37,651 --> 01:36:39,949 Mmm-hmm. God, thank you. Thank you. 2117 01:36:50,630 --> 01:36:52,689 All right. Yeah. 2118 01:36:53,967 --> 01:36:55,161 (SlGHS) 2119 01:36:58,105 --> 01:36:59,231 You okay, man? 2120 01:36:59,339 --> 01:37:00,772 Yeah, yeah, I'm good. 2121 01:37:01,108 --> 01:37:02,097 (EXHALES) 2122 01:37:02,209 --> 01:37:03,198 I hope they got some food. 2123 01:37:03,477 --> 01:37:05,001 (KNOCKlNG ON DOOR) 2124 01:37:05,645 --> 01:37:06,669 Hey, hey. 2125 01:37:06,813 --> 01:37:08,474 Hi! Hi. 2126 01:37:08,615 --> 01:37:11,982 I'm so glad you guys came. Hello. Hi. 2127 01:37:12,085 --> 01:37:13,643 Good to see you. Wow. Hi. How's it going? 2128 01:37:13,754 --> 01:37:14,721 Hello, lra. 2129 01:37:14,821 --> 01:37:17,221 Oh! Thank you. 2130 01:37:18,392 --> 01:37:20,383 Jeez. Beautiful house! 2131 01:37:20,494 --> 01:37:21,461 Thank you. 2132 01:37:21,595 --> 01:37:23,654 How long have you guys been here? 2133 01:37:23,764 --> 01:37:25,857 We've been here about five years now. 2134 01:37:25,966 --> 01:37:26,955 (SNARLS) 2135 01:37:27,067 --> 01:37:28,034 What's up? 2136 01:37:28,135 --> 01:37:31,036 This is my friend, George. And this is lra. 2137 01:37:31,138 --> 01:37:32,298 This is lngrid. 2138 01:37:32,406 --> 01:37:35,671 Wow! George didn't mention you had a daughter. 2139 01:37:36,543 --> 01:37:37,942 GEORGE: Have you seen any of my movies? 2140 01:37:38,045 --> 01:37:40,536 I saw the movie where you had a baby body. 2141 01:37:40,680 --> 01:37:43,740 So, you saw Re-Do. Can you do the face? 2142 01:37:45,185 --> 01:37:47,517 (BOTH BABBLlNG) 2143 01:37:52,059 --> 01:37:53,890 GEORGE: Hey, that's a good impression. 2144 01:37:54,261 --> 01:37:55,922 Don't leave me in the playroom! 2145 01:37:56,029 --> 01:37:58,429 This is my daughter, Mable. She just got braces. 2146 01:37:58,565 --> 01:37:59,793 Oh, yeah? Let me see them. 2147 01:38:00,300 --> 01:38:03,565 You mind if I eat a little bit of that sandwich right there? 2148 01:38:05,272 --> 01:38:07,001 Ira? I'm... I'm full. 2149 01:38:07,107 --> 01:38:09,041 Do you guys want to play the peanut-butter game? 2150 01:38:09,142 --> 01:38:11,235 It's fun. You want to play? 2151 01:38:11,344 --> 01:38:12,743 Let's do it! Ira? 2152 01:38:12,846 --> 01:38:14,006 Yeah, I like peanut butter, yeah. 2153 01:38:14,114 --> 01:38:15,240 Let's do the peanut-butter game! 2154 01:38:15,348 --> 01:38:16,474 All right! Hooray! 2155 01:38:16,583 --> 01:38:19,643 Peanut-butter game! Peanut-butter game! 2156 01:38:19,853 --> 01:38:20,945 Okay, just put a little bit. 2157 01:38:21,054 --> 01:38:22,078 MABLE: Okay. GEORGE: What's she doing? 2158 01:38:22,189 --> 01:38:23,156 A little bit. 2159 01:38:23,256 --> 01:38:24,484 (LAUGHlNG) 2160 01:38:24,591 --> 01:38:26,081 Okay, okay. I think that's good. 2161 01:38:26,193 --> 01:38:29,060 This is what you guys do in your free time? Okay. 2162 01:38:29,162 --> 01:38:30,493 MABLE: There he is! GEORGE: Oh, boy. 2163 01:38:30,597 --> 01:38:31,564 LAURA: Come on. 2164 01:38:31,665 --> 01:38:32,893 (LAUGHlNG) 2165 01:38:32,999 --> 01:38:34,728 GEORGE: He got her. He got her. 2166 01:38:34,835 --> 01:38:36,359 (EXCLAlMlNG) 2167 01:38:37,771 --> 01:38:40,035 Oh, so, you're supposed to do it on the ears. 2168 01:38:40,173 --> 01:38:41,970 LAURA: George's turn! Yeah! George's turn! 2169 01:38:42,075 --> 01:38:43,269 No. I don't want to do that. 2170 01:38:43,376 --> 01:38:44,900 LAURA: Yeah, George's turn! No, lra will go. Let lra go. 2171 01:38:45,011 --> 01:38:46,376 No, no, George. 2172 01:38:46,480 --> 01:38:47,845 Come on. Okay, all right! 2173 01:38:48,448 --> 01:38:50,313 I just washed my hair this morning. 2174 01:38:50,417 --> 01:38:52,078 BOTH: George! George! George! George! 2175 01:38:53,086 --> 01:38:54,246 (ALL EXCLAlMlNG) 2176 01:38:54,354 --> 01:38:56,447 Oh, God! 2177 01:38:58,558 --> 01:38:59,547 No! 2178 01:38:59,659 --> 01:39:00,648 Just not the... 2179 01:39:00,760 --> 01:39:01,727 Look at this. 2180 01:39:01,828 --> 01:39:03,295 GEORGE: That's not the game! 2181 01:39:03,396 --> 01:39:05,193 (ALL CHEERlNG) 2182 01:39:09,269 --> 01:39:12,864 And we have a pond with a Buddha and... 2183 01:39:12,973 --> 01:39:13,940 Wow! 2184 01:39:14,040 --> 01:39:15,667 (BOTH EXCLAlMlNG) 2185 01:39:17,944 --> 01:39:19,309 Does that hurt? 2186 01:39:19,412 --> 01:39:22,210 So, what... Who is a good... You're a good guy, you're a bad guy? 2187 01:39:22,315 --> 01:39:24,112 (EXCLAlMlNG) 2188 01:39:43,336 --> 01:39:46,999 Now I go. 2189 01:39:47,107 --> 01:39:48,506 And now I go. 2190 01:39:48,608 --> 01:39:50,744 You can't move. You're stuck. 2191 01:39:50,844 --> 01:39:51,833 Ira. IRA: Hey. 2192 01:39:51,945 --> 01:39:54,641 Hey, Laura asked if we want to eat dinner here tonight. 2193 01:39:55,415 --> 01:39:58,475 Oh. Thank you. What... We... 2194 01:39:58,585 --> 01:39:59,711 It's like an eight-hour drive back. 2195 01:39:59,819 --> 01:40:02,447 We won't get home till like 5:00 in the morning that way. 2196 01:40:02,556 --> 01:40:03,580 GEORGE: We'll figure something out. 2197 01:40:03,690 --> 01:40:07,387 So, we're gonna go to the grocery store and get some food so I can cook. 2198 01:40:07,494 --> 01:40:09,359 Home-cooked meal. Perfect. 2199 01:40:09,462 --> 01:40:11,293 Okay. So, you're okay to watch the girls? 2200 01:40:11,398 --> 01:40:13,093 Yeah, definitely. I'm good with kids. 2201 01:40:13,200 --> 01:40:16,101 I was a... I was a Jewish summer camp counselor for five years. 2202 01:40:16,203 --> 01:40:17,568 (SPEAKlNG HEBREW) 2203 01:40:17,671 --> 01:40:20,071 But I'm good with non-Jewish kids, too. 2204 01:40:20,173 --> 01:40:22,471 Okay, so we'll be right back. It's around the corner. 2205 01:40:22,576 --> 01:40:23,873 GEORGE: Very good. 2206 01:40:31,718 --> 01:40:34,551 Should I have worn my jogging shoes? Where are we going? 2207 01:40:46,766 --> 01:40:48,631 You sure? You sure you want to do this? 2208 01:40:48,735 --> 01:40:49,724 Mmm-hmm. 2209 01:40:49,836 --> 01:40:51,667 Wherever my husband is, he's probably doing the same thing. 2210 01:40:51,771 --> 01:40:52,760 Mmm-hmm. 2211 01:40:52,872 --> 01:40:53,930 Okay. 2212 01:40:55,642 --> 01:40:56,609 Jesus. 2213 01:40:57,310 --> 01:40:58,504 (SlGHS) 2214 01:40:59,913 --> 01:41:01,471 Echo, echo, echo. 2215 01:41:01,581 --> 01:41:02,878 (LAUGHlNG) 2216 01:41:06,386 --> 01:41:07,478 You know, when I broke up with you, 2217 01:41:07,587 --> 01:41:11,489 I tried to find somebody who was the exact opposite of you. 2218 01:41:14,127 --> 01:41:16,595 But Clarke is exactly like you. 2219 01:41:18,098 --> 01:41:21,499 It's like I'm programmed to find the same person, 2220 01:41:22,535 --> 01:41:25,971 Iike there's some lesson I'm supposed to learn from it all. 2221 01:41:27,574 --> 01:41:30,042 How many times did you cheat on me? 2222 01:41:30,710 --> 01:41:33,679 I don't want to paint a picture. 2223 01:41:33,780 --> 01:41:37,910 I was young and stupid, but I changed, I swear to God. 2224 01:41:39,185 --> 01:41:41,676 How exactly have you changed? 2225 01:41:41,821 --> 01:41:46,019 I got a peek at something most people only get to see once. 2226 01:41:48,161 --> 01:41:50,686 You know, I went to a psychic who told me that... 2227 01:41:50,797 --> 01:41:55,200 That you and I would get back together when we were 70. 2228 01:41:55,302 --> 01:41:57,702 And she also said not to eat any chicken. 2229 01:41:58,438 --> 01:41:59,928 Well, we couldn't wait. 2230 01:42:00,040 --> 01:42:01,166 Mmm-hmm. 2231 01:42:01,441 --> 01:42:04,672 You loved me before anybody loved me. 2232 01:42:04,778 --> 01:42:05,745 I know. 2233 01:42:11,484 --> 01:42:14,851 This is the only place that I ever wanted to be. 2234 01:42:15,822 --> 01:42:18,313 When is George gonna die? 2235 01:42:18,425 --> 01:42:20,416 George is gonna die? 2236 01:42:22,462 --> 01:42:24,623 No. Why would you guys say that? 2237 01:42:24,731 --> 01:42:27,894 I heard my mom talking to her friend on the phone, and she was crying. 2238 01:42:28,001 --> 01:42:29,764 I don't want George to die. 2239 01:42:29,869 --> 01:42:31,496 Why do you care? You just met him. 2240 01:42:31,604 --> 01:42:32,593 Shut up. 2241 01:42:32,706 --> 01:42:34,571 You shut up! Okay, okay, guys, guys, guys. 2242 01:42:34,674 --> 01:42:36,073 George is not gonna die. 2243 01:42:36,176 --> 01:42:40,010 George, he was sick, but he went to the doctor 2244 01:42:40,113 --> 01:42:41,637 and they gave him different types of medicine 2245 01:42:41,748 --> 01:42:43,215 until they found one that worked. 2246 01:42:43,316 --> 01:42:44,943 And now he's gonna be just fine. 2247 01:42:45,051 --> 01:42:47,019 He's gonna live a really, really long time. 2248 01:42:47,253 --> 01:42:49,244 I think my mommy loves him. 2249 01:42:50,423 --> 01:42:53,483 Well, you know, we all love him. 2250 01:42:53,593 --> 01:42:55,060 He's made a lot of great movies. 2251 01:42:55,161 --> 01:42:57,686 I think she loves him, like, loves him. 2252 01:42:57,797 --> 01:42:59,856 INGRlD: Love. Love, love, love. 2253 01:42:59,966 --> 01:43:03,663 (SlNGlNG) Love, love, love They're gonna have a baby 2254 01:43:03,903 --> 01:43:08,670 They're gonna have a baby Baby, marriage, love 2255 01:43:09,409 --> 01:43:12,173 They're gonna have a little MerMan baby. 2256 01:43:17,016 --> 01:43:20,679 You saved my acting reel? I was wondering where this was. 2257 01:43:20,787 --> 01:43:22,118 Why didn't you give this to me? 2258 01:43:22,222 --> 01:43:23,484 'Cause I was watching it. 2259 01:43:23,590 --> 01:43:26,354 You know, I always get the feeling that you think I'm stupid or something. 2260 01:43:26,459 --> 01:43:28,620 LAURA: Look at my hair! I look like a leprechaun. 2261 01:43:28,728 --> 01:43:29,820 No. 2262 01:43:29,929 --> 01:43:30,953 LAURA ON TV: I am stupid. 2263 01:43:31,064 --> 01:43:33,225 Ooh! Is my voice still that high? 2264 01:43:33,333 --> 01:43:36,598 No! No, no, no, no. No, but they need you back in Munchkinville. 2265 01:43:36,703 --> 01:43:38,364 (LAUGHS) They miss the mayor. 2266 01:43:38,471 --> 01:43:39,699 LAURA: Shut up! 2267 01:43:40,106 --> 01:43:42,472 That was the best time in my life. 2268 01:43:42,942 --> 01:43:45,536 I got something else for you. You might remember these. 2269 01:43:46,379 --> 01:43:48,506 (GASPS) Please tell me you do! 2270 01:43:49,416 --> 01:43:50,815 Are these my favorite butt jeans? 2271 01:43:50,917 --> 01:43:52,282 Yes. Yes. Yes. 2272 01:43:52,419 --> 01:43:53,386 Really? 2273 01:43:53,486 --> 01:43:54,453 Yeah, you can have them back. 2274 01:43:54,554 --> 01:43:55,816 I'm so excited! Yeah. 2275 01:43:55,922 --> 01:43:57,389 Do you think they still fit me? 2276 01:43:57,490 --> 01:43:58,479 I guarantee it. 2277 01:43:58,591 --> 01:43:59,649 I'm so happy! 2278 01:43:59,759 --> 01:44:02,387 I guarantee it. Get in those. 2279 01:44:02,495 --> 01:44:04,326 These used to kill me. Oh, my God, they're so faded. 2280 01:44:04,431 --> 01:44:05,921 Oh, shit! 2281 01:44:06,032 --> 01:44:07,021 They fit! 2282 01:44:07,133 --> 01:44:08,498 They look good! Really? 2283 01:44:08,601 --> 01:44:10,125 Yeah, that's the same ass! 2284 01:44:10,236 --> 01:44:14,297 Fucking ass is perfect. Minus that camel coming out the back. 2285 01:44:14,407 --> 01:44:16,534 (SlNGlNG) Bump and groove it 2286 01:44:16,643 --> 01:44:19,407 To the left now To the right, y'all 2287 01:44:19,512 --> 01:44:20,479 Slap that shit! 2288 01:44:20,580 --> 01:44:22,411 (BEATBOXlNG) 2289 01:44:22,982 --> 01:44:25,109 Look at that! They're like Mom jeans. 2290 01:44:25,218 --> 01:44:28,745 Oh, yes. If Mom needed to get banged again. 2291 01:44:28,855 --> 01:44:29,822 Thank you. 2292 01:44:29,923 --> 01:44:31,288 Yeah, get over here. 2293 01:44:35,328 --> 01:44:37,819 Don't leave me. Don't leave me. 2294 01:44:43,403 --> 01:44:45,997 Oh! Hey, guys, what took you so long? 2295 01:44:46,105 --> 01:44:48,596 We were checking out the town, man. Beautiful! 2296 01:44:48,708 --> 01:44:49,834 Where are the groceries? 2297 01:44:49,943 --> 01:44:53,003 We decided that eating in might be more fun. 2298 01:44:53,680 --> 01:44:55,648 (SOFTLY) Oh, no, you didn't. 2299 01:44:55,748 --> 01:44:57,682 How could you do that, man? No. 2300 01:44:58,017 --> 01:44:59,882 I didn't do anything, lra. 2301 01:44:59,986 --> 01:45:01,613 No, I know you did it. I know you did. 2302 01:45:01,754 --> 01:45:04,120 All that's missing is your Popsicle. Come on. 2303 01:45:04,224 --> 01:45:06,055 Ira, are you cranky right now? 2304 01:45:06,159 --> 01:45:07,353 Do you need food in your belly? 2305 01:45:07,460 --> 01:45:08,427 No. 2306 01:45:08,528 --> 01:45:09,729 Come on, we're gonna order in a pizza. 2307 01:45:09,729 --> 01:45:10,161 Come on, we're gonna order in a pizza. 2308 01:45:10,797 --> 01:45:13,857 (CARTOONISHLY) Of course, Mr. Peters. 2309 01:45:13,967 --> 01:45:14,934 I'll be at the... 2310 01:45:15,034 --> 01:45:16,160 (COUGHS) 2311 01:45:16,269 --> 01:45:17,566 Lunch meeting. 2312 01:45:18,605 --> 01:45:20,903 You're serving seafood? 2313 01:45:21,007 --> 01:45:22,304 (WHIMPERING) 2314 01:45:23,543 --> 01:45:25,408 I love seafood! 2315 01:45:26,079 --> 01:45:27,842 Okay, see you there! 2316 01:45:29,983 --> 01:45:31,473 Pizza's here! Yeah. 2317 01:45:31,584 --> 01:45:32,983 I'll be right back. Yes. 2318 01:45:33,086 --> 01:45:34,781 I'm the pizza monster! 2319 01:45:34,888 --> 01:45:36,014 (EXCLAlMlNG) 2320 01:45:38,691 --> 01:45:40,659 Hi, honey! 2321 01:45:40,960 --> 01:45:42,325 Clarke. Hi, sweetie. 2322 01:45:42,428 --> 01:45:44,623 Hi. What are you doing here? 2323 01:45:44,731 --> 01:45:46,426 Decided to surprise you. 2324 01:45:46,533 --> 01:45:49,297 The guy I was meant to have the meeting with had a heart attack 2325 01:45:49,402 --> 01:45:50,664 while I was waiting in reception for him. 2326 01:45:50,770 --> 01:45:52,203 It was unbelievable. Wow. 2327 01:45:52,305 --> 01:45:53,932 Next minute, this Chinese George Clooney guy 2328 01:45:54,040 --> 01:45:55,302 comes running past with, like, the... 2329 01:45:55,875 --> 01:45:57,103 What's it called? A defibrillator? 2330 01:45:57,210 --> 01:45:58,507 Starts zapping him. Right. Yeah, I've seen it. 2331 01:45:58,645 --> 01:46:00,977 It was like an episode of ER, but with Chinamen. 2332 01:46:01,080 --> 01:46:03,071 I missed you. 2333 01:46:08,187 --> 01:46:09,154 I know you. 2334 01:46:09,255 --> 01:46:09,622 Yes. 2335 01:46:09,622 --> 01:46:10,520 Yes. 2336 01:46:10,623 --> 01:46:11,749 (CLEARS THROAT) 2337 01:46:11,858 --> 01:46:13,052 How you doing? 2338 01:46:13,693 --> 01:46:14,955 This is George Simmons. 2339 01:46:15,061 --> 01:46:16,585 He had a big comedy concert last night. 2340 01:46:16,696 --> 01:46:17,663 Oh, okay. 2341 01:46:17,931 --> 01:46:20,729 And so, I asked him to pop by and come visit. 2342 01:46:22,001 --> 01:46:23,525 Hope that's good. I... 2343 01:46:23,636 --> 01:46:25,103 I love the stand-up comedy. 2344 01:46:25,438 --> 01:46:27,030 Yeah, yeah. How'd it go? 2345 01:46:27,140 --> 01:46:31,338 They didn't... They didn't boo me off the stage, so that was a plus. 2346 01:46:31,444 --> 01:46:34,607 Yeah, they're a bunch of bloody cheese eaters up here. 2347 01:46:34,714 --> 01:46:36,443 Yeah. No, they were very nice. Yeah. 2348 01:46:36,549 --> 01:46:39,040 You have a... You have a very nice family, man, 2349 01:46:39,152 --> 01:46:40,619 and a great, great home. 2350 01:46:40,720 --> 01:46:42,153 Thank you. 2351 01:46:42,255 --> 01:46:43,654 Well, it's good to have you home. 2352 01:46:43,756 --> 01:46:45,280 The kids are dying to see you if... 2353 01:46:45,391 --> 01:46:48,292 Ira's hungry for... 2354 01:46:48,394 --> 01:46:49,383 G'day. Clarke. 2355 01:46:49,495 --> 01:46:51,156 Good day, I'm lra. 2356 01:46:51,264 --> 01:46:52,822 Your husband's here. LAURA: Yeah. Yep. 2357 01:46:52,932 --> 01:46:56,390 Ira is George's opening act. He's really funny. 2358 01:46:56,502 --> 01:46:58,333 Really? He looks funny! 2359 01:46:59,305 --> 01:47:00,272 Thank you. 2360 01:47:00,373 --> 01:47:01,806 How'd you go last night? 2361 01:47:01,908 --> 01:47:04,433 You know, they didn't boo me off or anything, so... 2362 01:47:04,544 --> 01:47:05,875 (SOFTLY) I just said that one. 2363 01:47:05,979 --> 01:47:07,776 It was great. Yeah. 2364 01:47:07,880 --> 01:47:10,075 They just popped by, I gave them a tour of the house. 2365 01:47:10,183 --> 01:47:11,878 We were gonna have dinner, but it's not... 2366 01:47:11,985 --> 01:47:14,044 It's probably better that we do family dinner 2367 01:47:14,153 --> 01:47:15,279 since you're only in town a few days. 2368 01:47:15,388 --> 01:47:16,446 No, stay. That's a great idea. 2369 01:47:16,556 --> 01:47:17,750 The more the merrier. 2370 01:47:17,857 --> 01:47:19,017 Okay. Let's do that. 2371 01:47:19,325 --> 01:47:20,815 Thank you. LAURA: Great. 2372 01:47:20,927 --> 01:47:21,894 I'm gonna go say hi to the kids. 2373 01:47:21,995 --> 01:47:23,462 Okay. Okay. 2374 01:47:23,563 --> 01:47:25,030 (LAUGHS) That's hilarious. 2375 01:47:25,131 --> 01:47:27,326 You can't tell him that you're better, okay? 2376 01:47:27,433 --> 01:47:29,697 He'll know that something happened between us. 2377 01:47:29,802 --> 01:47:30,860 I won't. Okay? 2378 01:47:30,970 --> 01:47:33,268 'Cause I've been married for 12 years now and I have kids. 2379 01:47:33,373 --> 01:47:35,603 And I can't just throw it away this second, okay? 2380 01:47:35,875 --> 01:47:40,141 Hey, we'll be fine. I'm a good actor. You're a great actress. 2381 01:47:40,246 --> 01:47:43,238 Right. He hated you until he found out that you were sick. 2382 01:47:43,349 --> 01:47:47,217 And if he knows that you were here and that you're feeling better, he's gonna know. 2383 01:47:47,353 --> 01:47:48,411 So, don't say anything. 2384 01:47:48,521 --> 01:47:49,920 Okay, yeah, yeah. 2385 01:47:50,023 --> 01:47:51,786 Of course. Sure. I'll do that. 2386 01:47:52,392 --> 01:47:54,724 People never thought China would do that much business with the US, 2387 01:47:54,827 --> 01:47:57,352 but I never saw it as a big deal. You look at it like this. 2388 01:47:57,463 --> 01:47:58,555 You've got a billion people. 2389 01:47:58,665 --> 01:48:00,132 We make all kinds of cool shit. 2390 01:48:00,233 --> 01:48:02,428 They find out about the cool shit, like, on the lnternet and stuff. 2391 01:48:02,535 --> 01:48:03,502 And they're gonna want the cool shit. 2392 01:48:03,603 --> 01:48:05,366 Cool shit's universal. 2393 01:48:05,471 --> 01:48:07,701 China's been good, but I'm trying to get into North Korea now. 2394 01:48:07,807 --> 01:48:09,331 That's the next... That's, like, the next frontier. 2395 01:48:09,442 --> 01:48:11,171 Wow. Wow. North Korea? North Korea. 2396 01:48:11,310 --> 01:48:13,744 Those people would blow you for a Wii Fit. 2397 01:48:13,846 --> 01:48:15,040 GEORGE: There you go. 2398 01:48:15,148 --> 01:48:16,911 This is really good pizza. 2399 01:48:17,016 --> 01:48:18,779 You know, they say, like, New York has the best pizza 2400 01:48:18,885 --> 01:48:20,750 and I always thought pizza in LA was only okay, 2401 01:48:20,853 --> 01:48:21,877 but who would have thought, you know, 2402 01:48:21,988 --> 01:48:26,618 Marin County is where they were really hiding the good pizza pies. 2403 01:48:28,494 --> 01:48:30,223 (lRA SPEAKlNG lTALlAN) 2404 01:48:32,565 --> 01:48:34,465 Clarke speaks fluent Chinese. 2405 01:48:34,567 --> 01:48:37,468 Really? Do you speak Cantonese or Mandarin? 2406 01:48:37,570 --> 01:48:39,800 Oh, well played, lra. Mandarin. 2407 01:48:39,906 --> 01:48:41,601 Well gayed, lra. 2408 01:48:41,708 --> 01:48:44,176 It's a bloody hard language, though, George. Jesus. 2409 01:48:44,877 --> 01:48:46,105 (SPEAKlNG MANDARlN) 2410 01:48:46,212 --> 01:48:48,077 (SPEAKlNG MANDARlN) 2411 01:48:50,316 --> 01:48:52,011 (BOTH SPEAKlNG MANDARlN) 2412 01:48:52,118 --> 01:48:53,449 (REPEATlNG) 2413 01:49:01,461 --> 01:49:03,292 That was like a scene from Deer Hunter. 2414 01:49:04,230 --> 01:49:06,255 (BOTH SPEAKlNG VlETNAMESE) 2415 01:49:06,599 --> 01:49:08,863 Girls, you can go and watch TV. 2416 01:49:09,502 --> 01:49:12,164 Go on. Whatever you want to watch. 2417 01:49:13,272 --> 01:49:16,298 So, George, how's the fight going, mate? 2418 01:49:16,409 --> 01:49:17,376 How is it? 2419 01:49:17,477 --> 01:49:21,971 Clarke. This is not something that he wants to talk about right now. 2420 01:49:22,081 --> 01:49:25,482 He has to think about it every day of his life. 2421 01:49:25,585 --> 01:49:28,418 And he's taking a break from it right now. 2422 01:49:28,521 --> 01:49:35,290 (CRYlNG) It's such a shame that somebody who has brought so much joy 2423 01:49:35,394 --> 01:49:38,090 to so many people has to go through this. 2424 01:49:39,031 --> 01:49:41,864 Shit. Shit. 2425 01:49:41,968 --> 01:49:42,957 I'm sorry, mate. 2426 01:49:43,069 --> 01:49:47,096 Laura. Laura. We don't need to speak in code. 2427 01:49:47,206 --> 01:49:49,333 I'm sick. I think about it all the time. 2428 01:49:49,442 --> 01:49:50,670 CLARKE: Mate, I don't know how you do it. 2429 01:49:50,777 --> 01:49:53,268 I would be crying in my panties if I was you. 2430 01:49:53,412 --> 01:49:55,403 I worship guys like you, that attitude. 2431 01:49:55,515 --> 01:49:56,982 Have you considered Eastern medicine? 2432 01:49:57,083 --> 01:49:59,916 Well, I don't know if this is considered Eastern medicine, 2433 01:50:00,019 --> 01:50:02,112 but I've been eating a lot of rhino cock. 2434 01:50:02,221 --> 01:50:06,055 If Clarke thinks it's the right thing to do, let me chew some. 2435 01:50:06,159 --> 01:50:08,093 For the last time, stop calling me Rhino. 2436 01:50:08,194 --> 01:50:09,661 (ALL LAUGHlNG) 2437 01:50:11,264 --> 01:50:13,061 George Simmons in my house! 2438 01:50:13,166 --> 01:50:17,227 Clarke took an herb once, and he had heart palpitations and diarrhea. 2439 01:50:17,370 --> 01:50:18,803 No, it's true. I shit myself, mate, 2440 01:50:18,905 --> 01:50:20,304 and I had a boner at the same time. 2441 01:50:20,406 --> 01:50:21,771 (LAUGHlNG) 2442 01:50:22,942 --> 01:50:25,240 I want to take an herb that makes me as good-looking as you. 2443 01:50:25,344 --> 01:50:26,936 Jesus Christ! 2444 01:50:27,046 --> 01:50:29,241 If I were you I'd be at home all day fucking myself. 2445 01:50:29,348 --> 01:50:30,315 CLARKE: That's what I do! 2446 01:50:30,416 --> 01:50:32,077 (GEORGE LAUGHlNG) 2447 01:50:32,185 --> 01:50:34,380 All right! All right! We're cooking. 2448 01:50:34,821 --> 01:50:36,345 He's really funny. Mmm-hmm. 2449 01:50:36,589 --> 01:50:38,181 I don't know why his movies aren't funny, though. 2450 01:50:38,291 --> 01:50:39,781 That's weird, isn't it? Mmm-hmm. 2451 01:50:39,892 --> 01:50:41,382 He should put some of that on the silver screen. 2452 01:50:41,494 --> 01:50:42,756 So, just one drink, okay? 2453 01:50:42,862 --> 01:50:45,422 This isn't someone I want to spend a lot of time with. 2454 01:50:45,531 --> 01:50:47,431 This? This is the Australian me? 2455 01:50:47,533 --> 01:50:49,160 I'm so much better than this fucking idiot. 2456 01:50:49,268 --> 01:50:50,496 He seems like the nicest guy, ever. 2457 01:50:50,603 --> 01:50:52,400 He's trying to cure you with herbs for God's sakes. 2458 01:50:52,505 --> 01:50:54,564 I can't leave her alone here. I have to save her. 2459 01:50:54,674 --> 01:50:56,699 Save her from her beautiful house and lovely husband 2460 01:50:56,809 --> 01:50:57,935 and delightful kids? 2461 01:50:58,044 --> 01:50:59,602 Her husband's a skipping, cheating psycho. 2462 01:50:59,712 --> 01:51:01,236 You said nothing was going on between you two. 2463 01:51:01,347 --> 01:51:03,212 The dog could tell that you banged her. 2464 01:51:03,316 --> 01:51:04,544 And I'm getting nauseous and sweaty. I can't... 2465 01:51:04,650 --> 01:51:07,710 Get away from me! Get away from me! Go play with the kids. 2466 01:51:08,654 --> 01:51:09,780 (AUDIENCE ON TV LAUGHING) 2467 01:51:09,889 --> 01:51:12,517 WOMAN: Tim, are you asking me out on a date? 2468 01:51:12,625 --> 01:51:14,058 Would you like it to be a date? 2469 01:51:14,160 --> 01:51:15,957 Hey, bro, so your doctor called 2470 01:51:16,062 --> 01:51:19,361 and he said it is contagious, but only when inflamed, so you're cool. 2471 01:51:19,465 --> 01:51:20,454 (SCOFFS) 2472 01:51:20,566 --> 01:51:21,999 Also, I was trying to do the laundry, 2473 01:51:22,101 --> 01:51:24,467 but I think I need to get some industrial-strength detergent. 2474 01:51:24,570 --> 01:51:26,936 What's up with all the skid marks, Dale Earnhardt, Jr.? 2475 01:51:27,039 --> 01:51:29,667 Wow, I think I have a class. 2476 01:51:29,775 --> 01:51:31,072 You guys like this show? 2477 01:51:31,177 --> 01:51:32,303 BOTH: No! 2478 01:51:32,411 --> 01:51:34,504 It's the worst show, ever. 2479 01:51:34,614 --> 01:51:35,581 Good. 2480 01:51:36,382 --> 01:51:38,316 Here you go. We're finished with the French shit. 2481 01:51:38,417 --> 01:51:39,975 We're into espanola! 2482 01:51:40,086 --> 01:51:41,610 All right. 2483 01:51:42,455 --> 01:51:44,116 China, man. Wow. 2484 01:51:44,223 --> 01:51:46,987 And you guys never see each other, huh? That must be rough. 2485 01:51:47,093 --> 01:51:48,253 Right? Rough on the kids. 2486 01:51:48,361 --> 01:51:51,524 It's not ideal, but the kids like to eat, so... 2487 01:51:51,864 --> 01:51:53,058 (LAUGHS) 2488 01:51:53,266 --> 01:51:56,135 You ever see this girl act before? She was quite the actress. 2489 01:51:56,135 --> 01:51:56,191 You ever see this girl act before? She was quite the actress. 2490 01:51:56,302 --> 01:51:58,167 Well, she's very good at pretending she still loves me, 2491 01:51:58,271 --> 01:51:59,863 so she's pretty good then, isn't she? 2492 01:51:59,972 --> 01:52:01,530 (CHUCKLES) Yeah. I am. 2493 01:52:02,708 --> 01:52:05,643 Can't say I watched much of that Melrose Place stuff, though. 2494 01:52:05,745 --> 01:52:07,440 Although I did see the Party of Five episode you were in. 2495 01:52:07,546 --> 01:52:09,514 It wasn't really for me, you know. 2496 01:52:09,715 --> 01:52:14,709 Well, it was down to me and Cameron Diaz for the lead part in The Mask. 2497 01:52:14,820 --> 01:52:16,913 Cameron Diaz! That's my girl. 2498 01:52:17,023 --> 01:52:18,991 She's a bloody top actress, isn't she? 2499 01:52:19,091 --> 01:52:21,821 Hey, what was that film she was in with the bloody spuff in her hair? 2500 01:52:21,994 --> 01:52:23,120 Something About Mary! 2501 01:52:23,229 --> 01:52:24,218 (EXCLAlMlNG) 2502 01:52:24,330 --> 01:52:27,231 I love that movie! She's so funny! 2503 01:52:27,333 --> 01:52:29,130 Just about shit my panties in that one. 2504 01:52:29,335 --> 01:52:30,495 No, no, no, there's not too many girls 2505 01:52:30,603 --> 01:52:34,130 that are this beautiful and sexy and funny and... 2506 01:52:34,240 --> 01:52:35,502 She had the whole deal. 2507 01:52:35,608 --> 01:52:41,012 Yes, but Cameron Diaz, fuck! I mean, come on. 2508 01:52:42,214 --> 01:52:43,272 See, if you had've done that movie, 2509 01:52:43,382 --> 01:52:44,906 you could have had the bloody spuff in your hair. 2510 01:52:45,017 --> 01:52:45,984 Look out. 2511 01:52:46,085 --> 01:52:47,052 CLARKE: What are you giving me the evil eyes for? 2512 01:52:47,153 --> 01:52:48,279 You're such a dick sometimes. 2513 01:52:48,387 --> 01:52:49,445 I'm not... Why? 2514 01:52:49,555 --> 01:52:50,544 Because. 2515 01:52:50,690 --> 01:52:53,523 CLARKE: I'm just saying you had your crack, you had your go at it. 2516 01:52:53,626 --> 01:52:55,457 I feel like I didn't reach my potential that... 2517 01:52:55,561 --> 01:52:56,823 Oh, please! 2518 01:52:56,929 --> 01:52:57,896 Oh, please, what? 2519 01:52:57,997 --> 01:52:59,123 I didn't reach my potential, either! 2520 01:52:59,231 --> 01:53:00,528 I could have been playing footie! 2521 01:53:00,633 --> 01:53:01,622 You weren't that good 2522 01:53:01,734 --> 01:53:02,860 at playing footie. I was. 2523 01:53:02,969 --> 01:53:03,936 LAURA: You weren't. 2524 01:53:04,937 --> 01:53:08,338 You should thank me, George. I took a bullet here for you. 2525 01:53:08,441 --> 01:53:11,376 All right, on that note, I'm gonna head back to Los Angeles. 2526 01:53:11,477 --> 01:53:12,466 No, come on, stay. 2527 01:53:12,578 --> 01:53:13,545 No, it's fine. I'll split. 2528 01:53:13,646 --> 01:53:14,670 It's early. I've been here too long. 2529 01:53:14,780 --> 01:53:15,974 Schmira! We just started a bottle. 2530 01:53:16,082 --> 01:53:18,949 Nah, nah, nah. You guys have been the best. Schmira! 2531 01:53:19,051 --> 01:53:21,611 Thank you so much for having us, guys. Oh! 2532 01:53:21,754 --> 01:53:23,415 Shoot. CLARKE: Uh-oh! Look out. 2533 01:53:23,522 --> 01:53:24,489 God, I'm sorry, guys. 2534 01:53:24,590 --> 01:53:25,557 CLARKE: Someone's had too much to drink. 2535 01:53:25,691 --> 01:53:28,683 Oh, man, no. No, I just kicked your pot by accident, that's all. I... 2536 01:53:29,028 --> 01:53:30,893 Hold it together there, Schmira. I'm just a... Oh, God. 2537 01:53:30,997 --> 01:53:31,964 It's okay. 2538 01:53:32,064 --> 01:53:33,224 You're staying here. You're not driving. 2539 01:53:33,332 --> 01:53:35,926 No way. We got a guest house, two spare beds. Done. 2540 01:53:36,035 --> 01:53:37,627 You two, plenty of room to stay. No, no. Ira can drive. 2541 01:53:37,737 --> 01:53:39,102 He... You're fine to drive, right, lra? 2542 01:53:39,205 --> 01:53:41,002 I am. I just kicked your begonias, that's all. 2543 01:53:41,107 --> 01:53:44,133 No way! I'm not having America's favorite funnyman dead on the side of the road 2544 01:53:44,243 --> 01:53:45,801 'cause Schmira here's had too much to drink. 2545 01:53:45,911 --> 01:53:47,037 George, you can drive, right? 2546 01:53:47,146 --> 01:53:49,171 Bullshit! You're staying here. 2547 01:53:49,315 --> 01:53:52,876 Plus, there's a game of Aussie-rules footie on the dish tonight. 2548 01:53:52,985 --> 01:53:54,350 Semi-final. Saints versus Maggies. 2549 01:53:54,453 --> 01:53:56,614 Not that American shit. I want you to see it. 2550 01:53:56,722 --> 01:53:59,748 One condition. You Aussie pussies got any beer around here? 2551 01:53:59,859 --> 01:54:01,486 Yes, it's on... 2552 01:54:01,594 --> 01:54:02,754 (WHOOPS) 2553 01:54:02,862 --> 01:54:03,886 Yes! 2554 01:54:04,497 --> 01:54:06,488 Yeah, it doesn't matter if you're a small fucker or a big fucker, 2555 01:54:06,599 --> 01:54:08,760 you can play this game because the small fuckers go in barreling 2556 01:54:08,868 --> 01:54:10,699 and they can get the ball over and the boys are scrambling. 2557 01:54:10,803 --> 01:54:12,100 Now watch. The little fuckers down there go. 2558 01:54:12,204 --> 01:54:14,138 There they are. Big fuckers smack them. 2559 01:54:14,240 --> 01:54:16,674 Little fucker. Little fucker. Off to a big fucker. 2560 01:54:16,776 --> 01:54:20,371 Now he's gonna go down to another big fucker. I hate that big fucker. 2561 01:54:20,479 --> 01:54:21,446 Where are the black guys? 2562 01:54:21,547 --> 01:54:22,980 CLARKE: This is... There's a couple out there. 2563 01:54:23,082 --> 01:54:24,481 I hate this team. Oh, yeah? 2564 01:54:24,583 --> 01:54:26,050 Magpies. Hate the Maggies! 2565 01:54:26,152 --> 01:54:30,088 They're like... I don't know what the equivalent in the NFL... 2566 01:54:30,256 --> 01:54:34,693 No helmets. No fucking helmets 'cause they're real men. See? 2567 01:54:34,794 --> 01:54:38,252 Love you. Just explaining the game to them. They're loving it! 2568 01:54:43,369 --> 01:54:44,768 (MOUTHlNG) 2569 01:54:46,272 --> 01:54:47,762 Yeah, we gotta get going, you know. 2570 01:54:47,873 --> 01:54:49,841 Are you sure you can't stay? 2571 01:54:49,942 --> 01:54:51,500 We can't stay. We can't stay. 2572 01:54:51,610 --> 01:54:54,579 Yeah, it's my... It's my grandmother's 85th birthday. 2573 01:54:54,680 --> 01:54:55,647 We got family coming in from all over. 2574 01:54:55,748 --> 01:54:56,715 GEORGE: That's right. 2575 01:54:56,816 --> 01:54:59,307 She just had a stroke. In her leg. 2576 01:54:59,418 --> 01:55:00,680 So, you know, we gotta get back. 2577 01:55:00,786 --> 01:55:01,753 Yeah. 2578 01:55:01,854 --> 01:55:03,481 That's too bad you guys can't stay. 2579 01:55:03,589 --> 01:55:04,886 It is too bad. 2580 01:55:05,091 --> 01:55:07,423 Well, I wish I could say I was gonna see you again, George, 2581 01:55:07,526 --> 01:55:09,460 but I can't really say that, can l? 2582 01:55:09,562 --> 01:55:11,860 Yeah, yeah, I guess you can't. 2583 01:55:11,964 --> 01:55:12,931 You don't have to do that, honey. 2584 01:55:13,032 --> 01:55:15,330 No, I do have to do this, honey. I do. 2585 01:55:15,434 --> 01:55:16,560 You know what, mate? 2586 01:55:16,669 --> 01:55:20,036 If there's one thing I've learned from my Buddhist friends, the Chinese, 2587 01:55:20,139 --> 01:55:23,631 is to keep an open heart and to speak the truth. 2588 01:55:23,742 --> 01:55:27,644 So, what I want to say to you, George, is thank you. 2589 01:55:28,647 --> 01:55:32,481 Thank you for playing such a big role in my wife's life. 2590 01:55:34,086 --> 01:55:36,054 It's been great getting to know you. 2591 01:55:36,155 --> 01:55:41,058 And I wish you a peaceful journey from here on in and over to the other side. 2592 01:55:41,160 --> 01:55:42,320 Come here, mate. 2593 01:55:42,428 --> 01:55:44,896 Okay, we're gonna do this. 2594 01:55:46,265 --> 01:55:48,324 Thank you. Thank you for everything. 2595 01:55:48,434 --> 01:55:49,401 All right. 2596 01:55:49,502 --> 01:55:50,628 Thank you. 2597 01:55:50,736 --> 01:55:52,966 All right, I appreciate your having us. 2598 01:55:53,072 --> 01:55:56,303 Don't worry, Daddy. He's not sick anymore. 2599 01:55:56,408 --> 01:55:57,636 Ira told us. 2600 01:55:57,743 --> 01:55:58,903 I didn't say that. 2601 01:55:59,011 --> 01:55:59,978 Yes, you did. Yeah, you did. 2602 01:56:00,079 --> 01:56:02,013 When we were coloring. IRA: No. 2603 01:56:02,114 --> 01:56:03,138 Yeah. Yeah. 2604 01:56:03,249 --> 01:56:04,273 IRA: That's not true, girls. 2605 01:56:04,383 --> 01:56:05,714 No, that's not true. IRA: I did not say that. 2606 01:56:05,818 --> 01:56:07,115 I don't know what they're talking about. 2607 01:56:07,219 --> 01:56:08,447 Liar. 2608 01:56:08,554 --> 01:56:10,419 Liar, liar, pants on fire. 2609 01:56:10,523 --> 01:56:12,787 They were freaking out. They were worried about George. 2610 01:56:12,892 --> 01:56:14,985 I just said it so they wouldn't be scared. It was just... 2611 01:56:15,094 --> 01:56:16,493 Kids, go inside. 2612 01:56:16,595 --> 01:56:18,529 Can we watch Borat? Yeah, you can. 2613 01:56:18,631 --> 01:56:20,030 INGRlD: I don't wanna watch Borat. Yes, you... Come on. 2614 01:56:20,132 --> 01:56:21,565 See you guys. 2615 01:56:22,835 --> 01:56:25,861 What is going on around here? Is that true? 2616 01:56:25,971 --> 01:56:28,201 I never said that he was feeling better. 2617 01:56:28,307 --> 01:56:30,798 He just took some medicine and it's looking good for him 2618 01:56:30,910 --> 01:56:32,309 because they can't detect it in his blood, 2619 01:56:32,411 --> 01:56:34,879 but that doesn't mean that he's better. 2620 01:56:34,980 --> 01:56:36,447 These things are very tricky 2621 01:56:36,549 --> 01:56:39,677 and he didn't want to tell anybody because he didn't want to jinx it! 2622 01:56:39,785 --> 01:56:41,150 Is that true that you didn't want to jinx it? 2623 01:56:41,253 --> 01:56:43,278 Yeah. No, no, no, l... Yeah, I'm very superstitious. 2624 01:56:43,389 --> 01:56:44,378 Mmm-hmm. 2625 01:56:44,490 --> 01:56:46,014 You're a terrible liar. 2626 01:56:46,125 --> 01:56:51,028 (lMlTATlNG AUSTRALlAN ACCENT) No, nothing's going on around here! 2627 01:56:51,130 --> 01:56:53,564 It's completely innocent. 2628 01:56:53,666 --> 01:56:55,099 I left me ring... What accent is that? 2629 01:56:55,201 --> 01:56:57,135 ...on the side table. Jamaican? 2630 01:56:57,469 --> 01:56:59,562 Don't mock me. I don't appreciate it. 2631 01:57:00,072 --> 01:57:02,233 Lots of people go to massage parlors. 2632 01:57:02,341 --> 01:57:04,969 That doesn't mean I was getting a rub-and-tug. 2633 01:57:05,077 --> 01:57:10,481 Those hairs on me jacket must've fallen off the waiter's pussy. 2634 01:57:10,983 --> 01:57:12,575 What the hell has gotten into you? 2635 01:57:12,685 --> 01:57:14,915 I was at a footie game! 2636 01:57:15,020 --> 01:57:16,612 Are you taking the piss out of me? 2637 01:57:16,722 --> 01:57:21,455 I would never lie to you, mate. Oi? 2638 01:57:22,461 --> 01:57:23,428 I'm not playing this game with you. 2639 01:57:23,529 --> 01:57:25,997 This is stupid. What a stupid game! 2640 01:57:26,865 --> 01:57:29,595 Clarke, let's tell each other the truth. 2641 01:57:30,569 --> 01:57:31,536 Just come clean with me. 2642 01:57:31,637 --> 01:57:32,797 There's nothing to tell. 2643 01:57:32,905 --> 01:57:33,894 There's nothing to tell? 2644 01:57:34,006 --> 01:57:34,973 There's nothing to tell. 2645 01:57:35,074 --> 01:57:38,771 You will never tell me the truth. That is a pussy move! 2646 01:57:38,877 --> 01:57:40,367 You know what? I'm not doing this. 2647 01:57:40,479 --> 01:57:43,676 I'm not being put on a cross for something I didn't even do! 2648 01:57:43,782 --> 01:57:44,942 Enjoy each other! 2649 01:57:45,050 --> 01:57:46,347 Go fuck your whores! 2650 01:57:47,052 --> 01:57:49,520 "Go fuck your whores"? 2651 01:57:57,363 --> 01:57:59,298 So, it's good that he left, and this is a huge relief for me. 2652 01:57:59,298 --> 01:58:01,425 So, it's good that he left, and this is a huge relief for me. 2653 01:58:01,533 --> 01:58:03,558 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 2654 01:58:03,669 --> 01:58:08,231 I don't need to be in a marriage that is like that, so I'm fine. 2655 01:58:08,340 --> 01:58:11,639 I'm not worried about that. I just want you to be okay. 2656 01:58:11,744 --> 01:58:12,870 I would be scared if I was you right now. 2657 01:58:12,978 --> 01:58:13,967 Are you kidding me? 2658 01:58:14,079 --> 01:58:15,205 This is what needed to happen. 2659 01:58:15,314 --> 01:58:16,747 I would run away. 2660 01:58:16,849 --> 01:58:17,816 No, I'm staying here. 2661 01:58:17,916 --> 01:58:18,883 Are you gonna run away? 2662 01:58:18,984 --> 01:58:21,680 Where am I running to? Only if you come with me. 2663 01:58:21,787 --> 01:58:24,278 I really need you around right now. 2664 01:58:24,390 --> 01:58:25,379 Yeah. Yeah. 2665 01:58:25,491 --> 01:58:26,549 Can you stay till Monday? 2666 01:58:26,659 --> 01:58:27,956 Absolutely. 2667 01:58:28,060 --> 01:58:30,460 Can't we just go and, like, come back later, you know? 2668 01:58:30,562 --> 01:58:32,553 I mean, if this is meant to be, it'll be. 2669 01:58:32,665 --> 01:58:34,257 We don't have to be here right this second. 2670 01:58:34,366 --> 01:58:35,333 Can't we just go? 2671 01:58:35,434 --> 01:58:37,026 Man, I don't... I see... 2672 01:58:37,136 --> 01:58:40,401 Jesus Christ, every instinct in my body is telling me to leave here, too. 2673 01:58:40,773 --> 01:58:41,740 Good. 2674 01:58:41,840 --> 01:58:43,239 But that's what led me to this shitty life. 2675 01:58:43,342 --> 01:58:47,676 I gotta stay here. I gotta do the right thing. I love her. 2676 01:58:47,780 --> 01:58:52,308 Right now, her husband is gonna come back and murder us, man! 2677 01:58:52,418 --> 01:58:54,318 Did you see his arms? They look like legs! 2678 01:58:54,420 --> 01:58:55,910 Shut up. Don't be an idiot. 2679 01:58:56,021 --> 01:59:00,549 I'm not being an... Imagine that you are a gigantic Australian man 2680 01:59:00,693 --> 01:59:03,457 and someone came into your home and fucked your wife. 2681 01:59:03,562 --> 01:59:06,531 You would murder him and then you would make a hat out of his skin 2682 01:59:06,699 --> 01:59:08,530 'cause that's what Australians do. Let's go! 2683 01:59:08,767 --> 01:59:11,531 Ira, this is deep shit. People get divorced. 2684 01:59:11,637 --> 01:59:15,164 They make mistakes, they change their lives. 2685 01:59:16,408 --> 01:59:19,866 It's not that big of a deal. She's married to an asshole. 2686 01:59:19,978 --> 01:59:21,946 She seems like a crazy actress, man. 2687 01:59:22,047 --> 01:59:23,446 I don't know what to tell you, man. 2688 01:59:23,549 --> 01:59:25,176 Am I not allowed to be happy or something? 2689 01:59:25,284 --> 01:59:28,583 I've been living alone and alone and alone. That's my life. 2690 01:59:28,687 --> 01:59:30,120 This is the only girl I've ever loved 2691 01:59:30,222 --> 01:59:31,814 and I'm not supposed to do anything about this? 2692 01:59:32,658 --> 01:59:33,989 When am I supposed to be happy? 2693 01:59:34,093 --> 01:59:36,857 Why does everyone else get to be happy? 2694 01:59:36,962 --> 01:59:39,863 Look, George, I'm just gonna tell you this, as a friend. 2695 01:59:40,632 --> 01:59:43,328 From where I'm sitting it seems like your happiness 2696 01:59:43,435 --> 01:59:46,302 might be coming at the cost of destroying this family. 2697 01:59:47,272 --> 01:59:49,763 Okay, let me respond to that, as your friend, 2698 01:59:49,875 --> 01:59:52,207 and let you know you're not my friend. 2699 01:59:52,311 --> 01:59:54,245 You fucking work for me! 2700 01:59:54,346 --> 01:59:58,806 I didn't ask for your advice! You're overstepping your boundaries, man! 2701 01:59:58,917 --> 02:00:01,078 Now go get me a fucking Diet Coke! 2702 02:00:01,186 --> 02:00:03,780 And remind yourself that's what you do for me! 2703 02:00:03,889 --> 02:00:05,151 Now get the fuck out of here! 2704 02:00:05,257 --> 02:00:06,224 Fine. 2705 02:00:07,226 --> 02:00:10,127 Don't fucking leave! Sit down here! I don't want to be alone. 2706 02:00:10,229 --> 02:00:11,958 Okay, fine. 2707 02:00:14,566 --> 02:00:15,533 This is Mark. 2708 02:00:15,634 --> 02:00:17,192 Hey, Mark, it's lra. How's it going, man? 2709 02:00:17,636 --> 02:00:20,537 Not too good. I didn't get the part in the Tobey Maguire movie. 2710 02:00:20,639 --> 02:00:22,937 That doesn't matter. I have a problem. I need help, okay? 2711 02:00:23,041 --> 02:00:24,167 Where have you been? 2712 02:00:24,276 --> 02:00:27,006 I'm in Marin County. Northern California. 2713 02:00:27,112 --> 02:00:29,808 (SlGHS) Listen, l... I have to tell you something. 2714 02:00:30,082 --> 02:00:31,743 Are you sitting down? 2715 02:00:31,850 --> 02:00:32,817 Yeah. Okay. 2716 02:00:33,852 --> 02:00:35,217 The other night I went out to drinks 2717 02:00:35,320 --> 02:00:36,309 with the producers of my show 2718 02:00:36,422 --> 02:00:38,151 and Leo met up with us. 2719 02:00:38,257 --> 02:00:40,452 And they were enamored by him and they thought he was really funny. 2720 02:00:40,559 --> 02:00:43,392 And they offered him a part on Yo Teach...! and he took it. 2721 02:00:43,495 --> 02:00:45,929 I saw the episode. I know that that happened. 2722 02:00:46,031 --> 02:00:47,191 You watched it? I watched it. 2723 02:00:47,299 --> 02:00:48,266 Did you love it? 2724 02:00:49,001 --> 02:00:50,866 Yeah. He was great, right? 2725 02:00:50,969 --> 02:00:52,869 It was fine! I have no problem with Leo, okay? 2726 02:00:52,971 --> 02:00:54,063 Tell Leo, if he's got a problem, 2727 02:00:54,173 --> 02:00:56,471 to stop being a baby and to just get over it! 2728 02:00:56,575 --> 02:00:57,599 Why don't you tell Leo yourself? 2729 02:00:57,709 --> 02:00:59,734 'Cause Leo's been surveilling this whole conversation. 2730 02:01:00,045 --> 02:01:01,103 You dick. LEO : Fucking asshole. 2731 02:01:01,213 --> 02:01:03,010 MARK: Leo, get off the phone! Screw you, Leo. Screw you. 2732 02:01:03,115 --> 02:01:04,480 Hey, man what have you been up to? 2733 02:01:04,583 --> 02:01:05,880 Sucking George Simmons' balls? 2734 02:01:05,984 --> 02:01:08,248 That's cool. I've been on Yo Teach...! Iiving it up. 2735 02:01:08,353 --> 02:01:09,843 I'm sorry, Leo. Yo Teach...! sucks. 2736 02:01:09,955 --> 02:01:11,047 LEO : Go lose some more weight, Ira! 2737 02:01:11,156 --> 02:01:12,180 You look fucking weird skinny! 2738 02:01:12,758 --> 02:01:14,089 MARK: Leo, calm down! 2739 02:01:14,193 --> 02:01:16,457 You know what, lra? I want to put my eyeglasses on your asshole 2740 02:01:16,562 --> 02:01:19,395 so it looks like you're blowing me when I'm fucking you in the ass, you jerk! 2741 02:01:19,498 --> 02:01:20,465 IRA: That doesn't even make sense! 2742 02:01:20,566 --> 02:01:22,864 You're gonna put glasses on my ass? What? 2743 02:01:22,968 --> 02:01:26,870 Ira, we will find something for you to do on the show, okay? 2744 02:01:26,972 --> 02:01:28,439 Teach can have more than one friend. 2745 02:01:28,540 --> 02:01:29,768 Can we talk about this later? 2746 02:01:29,875 --> 02:01:32,673 I am in a serious problem. I just need some advice, okay? Please? 2747 02:01:32,778 --> 02:01:36,270 Just listen to me for two minutes and tell me what I should do right now, okay? 2748 02:01:36,381 --> 02:01:37,473 Will you do that? 2749 02:01:37,583 --> 02:01:40,279 All right. If it's serious, I'm sorry. I will listen. 2750 02:01:40,719 --> 02:01:41,708 (SlGHS) 2751 02:01:41,820 --> 02:01:43,720 Okay. Here's what's happening. 2752 02:01:43,822 --> 02:01:45,619 I'm witnessing a slow-moving train wreck, 2753 02:01:45,724 --> 02:01:47,749 but if I do something, I will lose my job. 2754 02:01:47,860 --> 02:01:48,827 Are you serious? 2755 02:01:48,927 --> 02:01:50,326 So, what I don't know, is... 2756 02:01:50,629 --> 02:01:52,722 (DISCONNECTS) Screw you. 2757 02:01:52,965 --> 02:01:53,954 (SlGHS) 2758 02:01:54,266 --> 02:01:54,566 Higher! Higher! 2759 02:01:54,566 --> 02:01:55,260 Higher! Higher! 2760 02:01:55,367 --> 02:01:56,356 I can't. I... I can't. Yes, you can. 2761 02:01:56,468 --> 02:01:57,935 You, you have to go down a little bit then 2762 02:01:58,036 --> 02:01:59,731 through the middle. LAURA: Be careful. Don't let him fall on you. 2763 02:01:59,838 --> 02:02:00,805 Where do I put my hand? 2764 02:02:01,607 --> 02:02:06,510 I spoke to Clarke. He's gonna be at the airport tonight heading back to China. 2765 02:02:06,645 --> 02:02:09,205 I'm gonna go tell him that when he comes back 2766 02:02:09,448 --> 02:02:11,882 he should find another place to live. 2767 02:02:11,984 --> 02:02:13,212 Wait, wait, wait, wait. What... 2768 02:02:13,318 --> 02:02:16,082 You... Yeah? Good. Good. Yeah. 2769 02:02:16,522 --> 02:02:17,511 You're gonna tell him? 2770 02:02:17,623 --> 02:02:18,988 I just don't want him coming back here. 2771 02:02:19,091 --> 02:02:20,353 You don't need him. No. 2772 02:02:20,459 --> 02:02:22,518 That'll just get you sick. 2773 02:02:22,628 --> 02:02:25,495 Good, you gotta tell him. So, when are you doing that? 2774 02:02:25,597 --> 02:02:26,564 Tonight? Yeah. 2775 02:02:26,698 --> 02:02:27,665 Okay, okay, I'm coming down. 2776 02:02:27,766 --> 02:02:28,733 Jump! 2777 02:02:29,668 --> 02:02:30,692 I talked to a girlfriend of mine, 2778 02:02:30,802 --> 02:02:32,861 and she has somebody who could show us 2779 02:02:33,038 --> 02:02:35,131 some houses down in Los Angeles. 2780 02:02:35,507 --> 02:02:36,701 And we'll get that whole thing going. 2781 02:02:36,808 --> 02:02:41,245 And then I was thinking about taking the kids out of school now, 2782 02:02:41,346 --> 02:02:44,440 but we should probably let them finish up because it's December. 2783 02:02:44,550 --> 02:02:46,074 And I don't want to mess everything up. 2784 02:02:46,184 --> 02:02:47,981 They have to finish the whole year here. 2785 02:02:48,086 --> 02:02:49,485 Yeah, that makes sense to me. So, if we just go down 2786 02:02:49,588 --> 02:02:50,885 at the beginning of the summer, 2787 02:02:50,989 --> 02:02:52,320 Iet them kind of transit. I'm supposed to do 2788 02:02:52,424 --> 02:02:53,948 a little two-week tour this summer. 2789 02:02:54,059 --> 02:02:56,357 I'm supposed to do it, but I don't need to do it. 2790 02:02:56,528 --> 02:02:59,964 No pressure on you. Look at you! There's no pressure on you. 2791 02:03:00,065 --> 02:03:04,195 I need to work and I want to get my acting career going again. 2792 02:03:04,303 --> 02:03:06,032 Good. Yeah. 2793 02:03:06,138 --> 02:03:08,698 She's whupping you, lngrid! Good job there, Lulu. 2794 02:03:09,975 --> 02:03:11,670 So, she's gonna go to the airport tonight 2795 02:03:11,777 --> 02:03:14,678 and tell Clarke that she wants him to find a new place and... 2796 02:03:15,948 --> 02:03:17,939 What do you think of that? 2797 02:03:18,050 --> 02:03:20,211 (SlGHS) I don't want to tell you what I think about that 2798 02:03:20,319 --> 02:03:21,843 'cause I don't want to get yelled at, George. 2799 02:03:21,954 --> 02:03:23,444 (SlGHS) Oh, God. 2800 02:03:23,555 --> 02:03:26,217 I'm just nervous about the kids and, like, who's gonna get them 2801 02:03:26,325 --> 02:03:28,486 and does he get one and Laura gets one, 2802 02:03:28,594 --> 02:03:30,186 or am I gonna have both of them? 2803 02:03:30,295 --> 02:03:32,320 'Cause I love the little one, we kind of click. 2804 02:03:32,431 --> 02:03:36,197 But the older one is, like, you sense the period's coming soon. 2805 02:03:36,301 --> 02:03:37,962 I think she would probably get the kids. 2806 02:03:38,070 --> 02:03:39,059 All right, yeah. 2807 02:03:39,171 --> 02:03:41,264 I don't think you can have two girls in China. 2808 02:03:41,406 --> 02:03:42,873 What are you gonna do now? Look at this crew. 2809 02:03:42,975 --> 02:03:44,237 Why so close? Really? 2810 02:03:44,343 --> 02:03:45,310 (EXCLAlMS) 2811 02:03:45,410 --> 02:03:47,071 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 2812 02:03:47,179 --> 02:03:48,806 You okay, little girl? You okay? 2813 02:03:48,914 --> 02:03:50,313 Oh, man. Are you okay? 2814 02:03:50,449 --> 02:03:52,041 Okay. I'm gonna show you Mable singing... 2815 02:03:52,150 --> 02:03:53,139 Mom, you make everybody see... 2816 02:03:53,251 --> 02:03:55,412 No, Memory from Cats. Come on! It's... 2817 02:03:55,587 --> 02:03:57,214 No. I hate that you show it to everyone. 2818 02:03:57,322 --> 02:03:58,812 I'll just show them the end part. 2819 02:03:58,924 --> 02:04:00,687 (ALL LAUGHlNG) 2820 02:04:00,792 --> 02:04:03,158 I'll just show you the ending. Okay. 2821 02:04:03,261 --> 02:04:05,286 (SLOW SHOW TUNE PLAYING) 2822 02:04:17,442 --> 02:04:23,438 (SINGING) Burnt-out ends of smoky days 2823 02:04:24,316 --> 02:04:30,186 The stale cold smell of morning 2824 02:04:31,623 --> 02:04:38,324 The streetlamp dies, another night is over 2825 02:04:38,830 --> 02:04:43,995 Another day is dawning 2826 02:04:46,438 --> 02:04:48,998 Touch me 2827 02:04:49,174 --> 02:04:55,602 It's so easy to leave me All alone with the memory 2828 02:04:56,314 --> 02:04:59,340 Of my days in the sun 2829 02:05:00,719 --> 02:05:04,815 If you touch me You'll understand what happiness is 2830 02:05:04,923 --> 02:05:06,254 (MOUTHlNG) 2831 02:05:08,393 --> 02:05:14,354 Look, a new day has begun 2832 02:05:17,135 --> 02:05:18,898 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 2833 02:05:19,004 --> 02:05:20,528 (BOTH LAUGHlNG) 2834 02:05:22,240 --> 02:05:23,207 That was unbelievable! 2835 02:05:23,308 --> 02:05:24,969 Isn't that good? 2836 02:05:26,611 --> 02:05:28,545 That was insane! 2837 02:05:28,647 --> 02:05:32,515 That was like just seeing a little person sing an old person's song. 2838 02:05:32,617 --> 02:05:34,448 That was hysterical! 2839 02:05:34,586 --> 02:05:38,386 I got a friend who takes... He takes a lot of acid. 2840 02:05:38,490 --> 02:05:41,084 If he saw that, he would shit himself! 2841 02:05:42,694 --> 02:05:43,922 That's not supposed to be funny. 2842 02:05:44,029 --> 02:05:44,996 I know, I know, I know. I'm... 2843 02:05:45,097 --> 02:05:47,258 No, I think that's why it's funnier. 2844 02:05:47,365 --> 02:05:48,332 It was so amazing. 2845 02:05:48,433 --> 02:05:49,400 Wasn't that good? 2846 02:05:49,501 --> 02:05:51,162 I think I started crying a little bit. 2847 02:05:51,269 --> 02:05:54,238 Me, too. I cry every time I see that. 2848 02:05:56,341 --> 02:05:59,003 That shit was funny up there. 2849 02:05:59,111 --> 02:06:02,945 Okay. Wow, these guys are not gonna take no for an answer. 2850 02:06:03,782 --> 02:06:05,909 Yeah. They want me to do another baby movie. 2851 02:06:06,017 --> 02:06:08,645 They keep bumping up the gross on the DVDs. 2852 02:06:08,787 --> 02:06:11,415 I just... There's no way I'm doing it. 2853 02:06:18,096 --> 02:06:19,393 Okay. Bye. 2854 02:06:22,434 --> 02:06:23,958 (BOTH WHOOPlNG) 2855 02:06:24,569 --> 02:06:26,628 Hey, George. 2856 02:06:26,738 --> 02:06:28,069 (EXHALES) Yeah. 2857 02:06:28,173 --> 02:06:29,902 I'm going to... I'm gonna go to the store 2858 02:06:30,008 --> 02:06:31,168 and grab some cigarettes, okay? 2859 02:06:31,309 --> 02:06:32,401 I'll be back soon. 2860 02:06:32,511 --> 02:06:34,775 What? What do you need cigarettes for? 2861 02:06:34,880 --> 02:06:36,370 'Cause I'm addicted to them. 2862 02:06:36,481 --> 02:06:38,449 Why? 'Cause you look like the Fonz when you smoke? 2863 02:06:38,550 --> 02:06:41,246 I've always smoked. I just didn't do it in front of you 'cause you were sick. 2864 02:06:41,353 --> 02:06:42,877 And now that you're better... 2865 02:06:42,988 --> 02:06:45,582 Hurry up, though, man. I'm running out of gas with the kids here. 2866 02:06:45,690 --> 02:06:46,918 Okay. I'll hurry up. 2867 02:06:47,726 --> 02:06:53,426 (SlNGlNG) Memory, all alone in the moonlight 2868 02:06:55,367 --> 02:06:58,598 I can't wait till the morning 2869 02:07:00,405 --> 02:07:02,134 (BREATHlNG HEAVlLY) 2870 02:07:09,414 --> 02:07:11,780 Are my parents getting a divorce? 2871 02:07:14,786 --> 02:07:17,254 Why... Why... Why do you ask that? 2872 02:07:17,889 --> 02:07:21,552 Just, like, I can tell. They're always fighting and... 2873 02:07:22,060 --> 02:07:23,687 How does that make you feel? 2874 02:07:23,795 --> 02:07:25,922 Well, he's already away a lot, 2875 02:07:26,031 --> 02:07:30,229 so it doesn't really matter that much, but... 2876 02:07:30,669 --> 02:07:32,227 Uh-huh. 2877 02:07:32,337 --> 02:07:34,271 That wouldn't be fun. 2878 02:07:34,372 --> 02:07:37,102 Maybe it would be better if they were separated. 2879 02:07:37,209 --> 02:07:38,198 Mmm-mmm. 2880 02:07:38,310 --> 02:07:39,607 No? 2881 02:07:39,711 --> 02:07:41,144 That's not good. 2882 02:07:41,246 --> 02:07:42,213 Right. 2883 02:08:04,069 --> 02:08:05,229 Clarke? 2884 02:08:07,105 --> 02:08:11,201 Laura, what are you doing here? 2885 02:08:11,309 --> 02:08:13,140 I don't know. 2886 02:08:13,645 --> 02:08:17,445 WOMAN ON PA: Mr. Way Chen, you need to get to the information desk. Thank you. 2887 02:08:17,549 --> 02:08:19,642 (SPEAKING MANDARIN) 2888 02:08:20,418 --> 02:08:21,385 You've reached Ira. 2889 02:08:21,486 --> 02:08:22,578 Please leave me a message. Thank you. 2890 02:08:22,687 --> 02:08:23,676 (BEEPS) 2891 02:08:23,788 --> 02:08:25,517 Where are you? You gotta come back here. 2892 02:08:25,624 --> 02:08:28,559 I think I'm getting... I'm getting lonely here. 2893 02:08:28,660 --> 02:08:31,629 I need some help. Just, seriously, hurry up. 2894 02:08:32,597 --> 02:08:36,328 I don't trust you. Am I imagining things? 2895 02:08:37,869 --> 02:08:40,064 You're not imagining anything, honey. 2896 02:08:40,238 --> 02:08:41,227 (SlGHS) 2897 02:08:41,339 --> 02:08:44,331 Two times. That's all I did was two times. 2898 02:08:44,442 --> 02:08:46,910 And I don't want to ruin everything just 'cause of two fucking times. 2899 02:08:47,012 --> 02:08:48,639 She couldn't even speak English. 2900 02:08:52,717 --> 02:08:54,708 Look at our life. You're driving the kids to school. 2901 02:08:54,819 --> 02:08:56,753 You're picking them up. You're like a single mother. 2902 02:08:56,855 --> 02:08:59,653 And you're not a single mom. You're my wife. You're my baby. 2903 02:08:59,758 --> 02:09:02,420 I shouldn't be in China 2904 02:09:02,527 --> 02:09:05,792 trying to sell Oreos to people who don't want to fucking talk to me. 2905 02:09:05,897 --> 02:09:08,889 I'm gonna get a normal job. I'm gonna be just around the corner. 2906 02:09:09,000 --> 02:09:11,662 It's just gonna be you, me and the kids. 2907 02:09:12,070 --> 02:09:14,698 All I want is a fresh start. 2908 02:09:14,806 --> 02:09:15,773 Yeah. 2909 02:09:23,515 --> 02:09:24,914 (GRUNTlNG) Oh. 2910 02:09:25,016 --> 02:09:25,983 Yeah. 2911 02:09:30,055 --> 02:09:32,649 The George Simmons thing was just a flirtation. 2912 02:09:32,757 --> 02:09:36,716 It was nothing. He really was sick. He just got better. 2913 02:09:37,762 --> 02:09:39,593 I'm so fucking glad. Yeah. 2914 02:09:39,698 --> 02:09:42,929 I really like him. I do. I don't want to hate him. 2915 02:09:43,935 --> 02:09:45,732 I fucking love you. 2916 02:09:54,012 --> 02:09:55,036 Ira! 2917 02:09:57,515 --> 02:09:59,210 Hey! 2918 02:09:59,317 --> 02:10:00,284 What are you doing here? 2919 02:10:00,385 --> 02:10:00,552 (CHUCKLlNG) 2920 02:10:00,552 --> 02:10:01,610 (CHUCKLlNG) 2921 02:10:01,720 --> 02:10:03,984 I'm going back to Los Angeles. 2922 02:10:04,789 --> 02:10:05,756 LA? 2923 02:10:05,857 --> 02:10:07,085 Yeah. 2924 02:10:07,192 --> 02:10:09,251 You're in the Great China Air First Class Lounge, mate. 2925 02:10:09,361 --> 02:10:10,328 What are you doing? 2926 02:10:10,428 --> 02:10:13,727 Oh. Shit, this is a confusing airport. 2927 02:10:13,865 --> 02:10:16,595 I thought this was Panda Express. 2928 02:10:16,701 --> 02:10:19,397 Well, it's good to see you guys, though. 2929 02:10:19,504 --> 02:10:22,598 What's going on? Laura? 2930 02:10:22,707 --> 02:10:25,835 What the hell is going on? 2931 02:10:25,944 --> 02:10:27,434 Uh... Ask her. 2932 02:10:28,179 --> 02:10:30,409 I was so mad at you for the way that you've been treating me 2933 02:10:30,515 --> 02:10:33,541 that I was on my way here to tell you tonight 2934 02:10:33,685 --> 02:10:35,653 to find another place to live when you got back. 2935 02:10:35,754 --> 02:10:36,982 But then... I came here to stop her. 2936 02:10:37,088 --> 02:10:38,112 CLARKE: Shut the fuck up. 2937 02:10:38,223 --> 02:10:41,215 I slept with George once, but it's over. 2938 02:10:41,326 --> 02:10:43,920 It's done. And it was no big deal. 2939 02:10:44,029 --> 02:10:45,018 (BREATHlNG HEAVlLY) 2940 02:10:45,130 --> 02:10:48,691 We didn't even have sex. He just went down on me. 2941 02:10:48,800 --> 02:10:50,267 (SlGHS) That's worse. 2942 02:10:50,368 --> 02:10:51,357 CLARKE: Crikey. 2943 02:10:51,469 --> 02:10:53,937 He manipulated me with his disease! 2944 02:10:55,740 --> 02:10:58,334 Where is he? George, where is he? 2945 02:10:58,443 --> 02:10:59,876 He's at your house. 2946 02:10:59,978 --> 02:11:02,606 He's at our house? With our kids? 2947 02:11:03,314 --> 02:11:04,941 LAURA: Please don't get that look on your face. 2948 02:11:05,050 --> 02:11:06,381 Please don't get that look on your face. 2949 02:11:06,484 --> 02:11:07,508 It was a mistake. I'm gonna kill him. 2950 02:11:07,619 --> 02:11:09,712 No, no, no, no, no. 2951 02:11:09,821 --> 02:11:11,288 I'm sorry. 2952 02:11:11,389 --> 02:11:12,378 You're sorry? 2953 02:11:12,524 --> 02:11:13,752 I came here to stop... Who are you? 2954 02:11:13,858 --> 02:11:14,984 I don't know. Who are you? 2955 02:11:15,093 --> 02:11:16,720 (SlGHS) What are you doing here? 2956 02:11:16,828 --> 02:11:18,193 I was trying to help you. 2957 02:11:18,296 --> 02:11:19,763 Get the fuck out of my life! 2958 02:11:19,864 --> 02:11:21,525 Okay. 2959 02:11:21,633 --> 02:11:26,332 Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. 2960 02:11:26,438 --> 02:11:32,399 Where is it? Where is it? Oh, God, where is it? 2961 02:11:32,644 --> 02:11:36,546 So stupid! Stupid shit! 2962 02:11:40,151 --> 02:11:40,318 I wanted to tell you I miss you. I miss your kisses. 2963 02:11:40,318 --> 02:11:43,515 I wanted to tell you I miss you. I miss your kisses. 2964 02:11:43,621 --> 02:11:47,284 I miss your short skirts. And I miss your smell. 2965 02:11:50,495 --> 02:11:51,985 Get the BabyBjorn. 2966 02:11:52,097 --> 02:11:54,588 (GlRLS LAUGHlNG) We're gonna go find that wizard. 2967 02:11:54,699 --> 02:11:57,463 Hey, girls. You look so cute. 2968 02:11:58,536 --> 02:12:00,128 You, outside. 2969 02:12:00,238 --> 02:12:01,205 Is he in trouble? 2970 02:12:01,306 --> 02:12:02,432 Yes. 2971 02:12:09,247 --> 02:12:10,805 What's gonna happen? I don't know. 2972 02:12:10,915 --> 02:12:12,246 What do you think I did? 2973 02:12:12,350 --> 02:12:13,339 Oh, shit! 2974 02:12:13,451 --> 02:12:15,282 Your friend sold you out, mate! 2975 02:12:15,386 --> 02:12:16,375 LAURA: No, no, no, Clarke! 2976 02:12:16,488 --> 02:12:18,183 CLARKE: You think this is a game? Stop it! 2977 02:12:18,289 --> 02:12:19,256 What'd you think you were gonna do? 2978 02:12:19,357 --> 02:12:21,188 Come in and just fuck up my family? 2979 02:12:21,292 --> 02:12:23,021 IRA: Stop it! CLARKE: Is that what you thought? 2980 02:12:23,128 --> 02:12:24,117 Stop it. Stop. No, no, no, no! 2981 02:12:24,229 --> 02:12:26,060 GEORGE: I didn't fucking do anything! This sort of shit I kill for! 2982 02:12:26,164 --> 02:12:27,461 Don't kill him! Don't kill him! 2983 02:12:27,565 --> 02:12:29,055 You stupid shit! 2984 02:12:29,167 --> 02:12:30,134 No! 2985 02:12:30,235 --> 02:12:31,224 Fuck, man! 2986 02:12:31,336 --> 02:12:32,963 Come here! Run, George! 2987 02:12:33,071 --> 02:12:35,198 Don't hurt him, you maniac! 2988 02:12:36,374 --> 02:12:37,636 Cut the shit, guys! 2989 02:12:37,742 --> 02:12:38,709 Stop it! 2990 02:12:40,078 --> 02:12:43,241 IRA: Run, George! You're cornering yourself! Go that way! 2991 02:12:43,348 --> 02:12:44,679 Get away from me! Take it like a man, George! 2992 02:12:44,782 --> 02:12:46,647 Get away from me, you fucking crazy asshole! 2993 02:12:46,751 --> 02:12:49,481 You fucking asshole! Get away! 2994 02:12:50,788 --> 02:12:52,278 Oh, my God. 2995 02:12:52,390 --> 02:12:54,381 She's not happy with you! 2996 02:12:54,492 --> 02:12:57,256 No one who's married is happy, you idiot! 2997 02:12:58,096 --> 02:13:00,428 Get in a ball, George! Get in a ball! 2998 02:13:00,532 --> 02:13:02,159 Fight like a man! Get on your feet, would you? 2999 02:13:02,267 --> 02:13:05,236 I don't know how to fight! I'm a comedian, you fucking asshole! 3000 02:13:05,336 --> 02:13:06,303 Should I jump in? 3001 02:13:06,404 --> 02:13:08,099 No! No! Don't jump in! 3002 02:13:08,206 --> 02:13:10,174 Just get away from me, man! You traitor! 3003 02:13:10,275 --> 02:13:12,334 Go get more cigarettes, you liar! 3004 02:13:12,443 --> 02:13:13,671 IRA: I accomplished nothing! 3005 02:13:13,778 --> 02:13:15,678 They made up before I got there! 3006 02:13:15,780 --> 02:13:16,804 (BOTH GRUNTlNG) 3007 02:13:16,915 --> 02:13:18,883 Where's your helmet now, Yankee? 3008 02:13:18,983 --> 02:13:21,451 Let's talk! Clarke! 3009 02:13:21,553 --> 02:13:23,145 LAURA: Clarke, no! 3010 02:13:23,254 --> 02:13:25,085 Come on, pussy! 3011 02:13:25,190 --> 02:13:26,157 Help! 3012 02:13:27,225 --> 02:13:28,419 All right! 3013 02:13:28,526 --> 02:13:29,515 Stop! 3014 02:13:29,627 --> 02:13:31,356 IRA: I got him! I got him! You don't want this, Schmira. 3015 02:13:31,462 --> 02:13:33,191 You don't want a piece of me, Schmira! 3016 02:13:33,298 --> 02:13:34,959 I am gonna love this! 3017 02:13:35,433 --> 02:13:36,422 (GROANS) 3018 02:13:36,534 --> 02:13:37,899 God! 3019 02:13:38,002 --> 02:13:40,630 You son of a bitch! I knew you didn't want me to be happy! 3020 02:13:40,738 --> 02:13:43,832 What are you doing, man? Look at this! You fucking suck! 3021 02:13:43,942 --> 02:13:45,375 You've gone crazy! You're a lightweight... 3022 02:13:45,476 --> 02:13:46,602 Get away from me, man! 3023 02:13:46,711 --> 02:13:49,179 ...named lra Wiener! Ira Wiener! 3024 02:13:49,280 --> 02:13:51,214 You should have died! Well, I ain't going nowhere! 3025 02:13:51,316 --> 02:13:52,874 I'm never gonna die! I hope you die! 3026 02:13:52,984 --> 02:13:54,713 I'm never gonna die, baby! Die! 3027 02:13:54,819 --> 02:13:56,013 Boys, stop it! IRA: I hope you die! I hate you! 3028 02:13:56,120 --> 02:13:57,553 I know what you're trying to do, the pair of you! 3029 02:13:57,655 --> 02:13:59,623 You're trying to distract me so I won't hit him! 3030 02:13:59,724 --> 02:14:01,021 Lackey! Lackey! 3031 02:14:01,125 --> 02:14:02,114 IRA: Wait! 3032 02:14:02,227 --> 02:14:04,195 Oh, shit, Clarke! Dude! 3033 02:14:04,295 --> 02:14:05,523 Are you okay, George? 3034 02:14:05,630 --> 02:14:07,427 Where's your stunt man now, hey? 3035 02:14:07,532 --> 02:14:08,499 Stop it! 3036 02:14:08,600 --> 02:14:11,034 Will you stop hitting me? 3037 02:14:12,170 --> 02:14:14,730 I'm better now, but it can come back! 3038 02:14:16,441 --> 02:14:18,875 Laura, tell him. Tell him what you told me. 3039 02:14:19,410 --> 02:14:22,846 Tell him that you love me more than you love him. Tell him! 3040 02:14:23,081 --> 02:14:24,207 Yeah, when she told you that, 3041 02:14:24,315 --> 02:14:26,442 did she think you were dying, huh? 3042 02:14:27,185 --> 02:14:29,710 Tell him. Tell him. Is it me or him? 3043 02:14:32,757 --> 02:14:34,088 Him. 3044 02:14:34,192 --> 02:14:38,526 What? Come on! Are you serious? 3045 02:14:39,497 --> 02:14:42,557 He's my husband. We have a family. 3046 02:14:43,468 --> 02:14:44,935 I love him. 3047 02:14:45,403 --> 02:14:48,668 And you didn't even cry when Mable sang Cats. 3048 02:14:49,274 --> 02:14:50,832 What's the matter with you? 3049 02:14:51,542 --> 02:14:53,908 I didn't want to lie. I don't know. 3050 02:14:54,012 --> 02:14:56,344 I've seen it on Broadway before. 3051 02:14:57,682 --> 02:14:59,650 It wasn't as good as it. 3052 02:15:01,286 --> 02:15:03,516 What are you guys doing on the lawn? 3053 02:15:03,621 --> 02:15:05,179 I'm hungry! 3054 02:15:05,923 --> 02:15:08,983 Nothing. We're just... We're just mucking around. 3055 02:15:09,093 --> 02:15:11,118 Come on. Go back inside. 3056 02:15:17,468 --> 02:15:21,529 Sorry, George. I'll always love you. 3057 02:15:22,573 --> 02:15:24,768 But what are we gonna do? 3058 02:15:24,876 --> 02:15:26,343 I love you. 3059 02:15:27,245 --> 02:15:29,577 I'm sorry I came up here. I shouldn't have come. 3060 02:15:30,748 --> 02:15:32,375 No, I'm glad you did. 3061 02:15:33,618 --> 02:15:35,313 Maybe when we're 70? 3062 02:15:37,655 --> 02:15:39,782 I hope you find a way to be happy. 3063 02:15:40,325 --> 02:15:43,260 Shit. He's coming back. He's coming back. Let's go. 3064 02:15:43,961 --> 02:15:45,326 LAURA: Clarke. 3065 02:15:45,430 --> 02:15:49,196 You know what? I've just worked out why all this shit has happened. 3066 02:15:49,300 --> 02:15:51,495 In the East, they call this karma. 3067 02:15:51,602 --> 02:15:55,766 And I have brought all this shit upon us with my misbehavior. 3068 02:15:55,873 --> 02:15:57,966 That's why all this shit has happened. 3069 02:15:58,609 --> 02:16:00,270 This had to happen. 3070 02:16:01,045 --> 02:16:03,309 But some good shit's gonna come from this. 3071 02:16:03,781 --> 02:16:06,249 We have to learn from this, you know, all of us. 3072 02:16:06,351 --> 02:16:08,285 There's a good lesson here. 3073 02:16:09,721 --> 02:16:12,281 Underneath anger is hurt, 3074 02:16:13,358 --> 02:16:16,691 but underneath hurt is love. 3075 02:16:17,428 --> 02:16:18,827 You feel it? 3076 02:16:22,033 --> 02:16:23,261 Okay? 3077 02:16:23,368 --> 02:16:24,392 Yeah. Thank you. 3078 02:16:24,502 --> 02:16:25,491 I'm sorry about this. 3079 02:16:25,603 --> 02:16:28,538 Yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it. 3080 02:16:44,555 --> 02:16:45,579 Do you want me to drive? 3081 02:16:45,690 --> 02:16:46,679 (SlGHS) 3082 02:16:46,791 --> 02:16:49,919 No, you don't have to drive me. I'll drive myself. 3083 02:16:50,928 --> 02:16:55,160 In fact, you're never gonna have to drive me again because you're fired, lra. 3084 02:16:55,566 --> 02:16:57,796 You're the only person that I've ever heard of 3085 02:16:57,902 --> 02:16:59,995 that learned nothing from a near-death experience, George. 3086 02:17:00,104 --> 02:17:01,696 You went backwards. You're worse. 3087 02:17:01,806 --> 02:17:04,001 You know what I am? A good friend. 3088 02:17:04,108 --> 02:17:07,566 I would never run to the airport and rat somebody out. 3089 02:17:07,678 --> 02:17:11,341 I don't have that in my DNA. That's not a friend, man. 3090 02:17:11,449 --> 02:17:13,781 A friend tells you. A friend comes up to you and says, 3091 02:17:13,885 --> 02:17:16,012 "Hey, you're in a heap of shit. You better not do it." 3092 02:17:16,120 --> 02:17:19,112 He doesn't run and tell the fucking girl. 3093 02:17:19,223 --> 02:17:20,247 Well... Wow. 3094 02:17:20,358 --> 02:17:22,417 Good. Fire me. I don't want to be around you anymore, 3095 02:17:22,527 --> 02:17:24,654 'cause you are fucking contagious! 3096 02:17:24,762 --> 02:17:26,992 You think I can't get another assistant? 3097 02:17:27,098 --> 02:17:29,658 I can't get someone else to write jokes for me? 3098 02:17:29,767 --> 02:17:33,601 You think I'm gonna lay in my bed going, "Aw, I miss my Schmira"? 3099 02:17:34,172 --> 02:17:37,141 You're a fucking no-thought. That's the beauty. 3100 02:17:37,241 --> 02:17:39,937 Once you're gone it never comes back in my brain. 3101 02:17:40,044 --> 02:17:41,568 You think getting Laura would have made you happy? 3102 02:17:41,679 --> 02:17:43,510 I know so. You think if you had a family right now, 3103 02:17:43,614 --> 02:17:44,876 you would be happy? 3104 02:17:44,982 --> 02:17:48,179 You'll never be happy, 'cause you're always gonna be stuck with yourself! 3105 02:17:48,286 --> 02:17:51,346 Unless somehow you can get away from you, 3106 02:17:51,456 --> 02:17:53,890 you're always gonna be miserable, George. 3107 02:17:53,991 --> 02:17:56,016 You are not funny. 3108 02:17:56,127 --> 02:17:58,220 Well, if that means I'm less like you, 3109 02:17:58,329 --> 02:18:00,627 then good, I don't want to be funny, okay? 3110 02:18:01,199 --> 02:18:03,167 Mission accomplished, lra. 3111 02:18:04,669 --> 02:18:06,227 Bad career choice. 3112 02:18:06,904 --> 02:18:09,998 Comedy usually is for funny people. 3113 02:18:10,107 --> 02:18:11,335 Gotcha. 3114 02:18:16,013 --> 02:18:17,207 (SlGHS) 3115 02:18:28,526 --> 02:18:29,857 (TlRES SCREECHlNG) 3116 02:18:29,961 --> 02:18:31,189 (GROANS) 3117 02:19:10,801 --> 02:19:13,292 Chances are you've got a lot of stuff stuffed in your drawers and closets 3118 02:19:13,404 --> 02:19:14,393 that you don't really need. 3119 02:19:14,505 --> 02:19:17,201 Mary Bolster is editor-in-chief of Natural Health magazine. 3120 02:19:17,475 --> 02:19:20,376 She's here to help you get trashing, bagging and get organized. 3121 02:19:20,478 --> 02:19:22,070 Hello, Mary. MARY: Hi, Hoda. 3122 02:19:22,179 --> 02:19:25,307 HODA: Okay, we do save things for the wackiest reasons. 3123 02:19:28,920 --> 02:19:30,512 (WHlSPERlNG) Good morning. Hi. 3124 02:19:32,590 --> 02:19:34,854 I think I'm gonna forgive him today. 3125 02:19:34,959 --> 02:19:36,290 What? Really? Yeah. 3126 02:19:36,394 --> 02:19:38,555 Great! That's great news! 3127 02:19:38,663 --> 02:19:41,223 He's just gonna be so jealous that I'm on Yo Teach...! You know? 3128 02:19:41,332 --> 02:19:43,266 I just figured it'd be a cool thing to do. 3129 02:19:43,367 --> 02:19:46,302 Well, maybe we could find something for him. 3130 02:19:46,804 --> 02:19:50,865 You know, if it comes up organically, definitely, but we shouldn't force it. 3131 02:19:50,975 --> 02:19:52,169 You know? Right. 3132 02:19:52,276 --> 02:19:54,267 I don't want to be on Yo Teach...! 3133 02:19:55,479 --> 02:19:57,071 It's okay. I forgave you, you know? 3134 02:19:57,181 --> 02:19:58,273 Thank you. 3135 02:19:59,450 --> 02:20:03,250 So, how'd everything go up there this weekend? 3136 02:20:03,955 --> 02:20:08,983 I think I did the right thing, but George fired me and punched me in the face. 3137 02:20:10,962 --> 02:20:12,554 You want to talk about it? 3138 02:20:12,663 --> 02:20:13,630 No. 3139 02:20:15,132 --> 02:20:18,499 I kind of wish you would. It sounds like the greatest story, ever. 3140 02:20:20,237 --> 02:20:22,569 Wake me up at 2:00. I'll tell you about it. 3141 02:20:23,641 --> 02:20:26,235 Well, we're glad you're back. 3142 02:20:26,344 --> 02:20:27,641 Glad you're home. 3143 02:20:27,745 --> 02:20:30,270 I can't believe I have to start all over again. 3144 02:20:31,449 --> 02:20:34,043 Hey, man, how you doing? 3145 02:20:34,385 --> 02:20:35,613 Hey, how you doing? Heard you were sick. 3146 02:20:35,720 --> 02:20:37,517 You feeling better now? Over here! 3147 02:20:37,622 --> 02:20:40,113 MAN: George, second lease on life. What are you gonna do now? 3148 02:20:40,224 --> 02:20:41,282 Hey, guys, come on. Come on, I heard rumors 3149 02:20:41,392 --> 02:20:42,757 about another baby movie. What do you got, huh? 3150 02:20:42,860 --> 02:20:44,851 Yeah, yeah, we're gonna shoot that. That should be good. 3151 02:20:44,962 --> 02:20:46,896 Gonna start that in a little bit. Let me get by you, though. 3152 02:20:59,276 --> 02:21:00,903 It's nice up here, huh? 3153 02:21:01,012 --> 02:21:03,105 Yeah. How'd you find it? 3154 02:21:04,315 --> 02:21:07,113 Me and my friends, we hike up here and I always thought, 3155 02:21:07,218 --> 02:21:08,344 "You know, that'd be a great place to take 3156 02:21:08,452 --> 02:21:10,943 "a woman if you... If you knew one." 3157 02:21:12,156 --> 02:21:13,214 Well, now you know one. 3158 02:21:13,324 --> 02:21:14,348 Good. 3159 02:21:25,703 --> 02:21:27,500 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 3160 02:21:29,940 --> 02:21:30,964 Hey, I'm gonna give him the light. 3161 02:21:31,075 --> 02:21:32,042 Thanks, Mark. 3162 02:21:33,944 --> 02:21:35,605 Bailey, you're number two. 3163 02:21:42,520 --> 02:21:44,351 Hey, lra. How you doing? 3164 02:21:44,455 --> 02:21:45,422 Good. How you doing? 3165 02:21:45,523 --> 02:21:46,581 RANDY: Wassup, big money? 3166 02:21:46,691 --> 02:21:47,817 You guys know each other? 3167 02:21:47,925 --> 02:21:50,359 Yes. I've seen this young Jewish comedian. 3168 02:21:50,928 --> 02:21:52,589 Randy, what's happening? 3169 02:21:52,697 --> 02:21:55,860 I saw this cat down at Otto's yesterday. Made me a little panini. 3170 02:21:56,801 --> 02:21:59,326 Grilled chicken pesto. Shit was nice. 3171 02:21:59,770 --> 02:22:01,931 Yeah, I'm working at Otto's again. 3172 02:22:02,907 --> 02:22:04,306 GEORGE: So, you're going up? 3173 02:22:04,642 --> 02:22:07,236 Yeah, I'm about to go up now. See you guys. 3174 02:22:08,979 --> 02:22:10,105 Later! 3175 02:22:11,916 --> 02:22:14,180 Thank you. Thank you. 3176 02:22:14,285 --> 02:22:17,743 My friends are very sexually aggressive, which is hard for me. 3177 02:22:17,855 --> 02:22:19,652 You know, we'll watch television and they'll just see... 3178 02:22:19,757 --> 02:22:21,657 A hot girl will come on and they'll just be, 3179 02:22:21,759 --> 02:22:25,217 "Man, I wanna fuck the shit out of that girl, man! 3180 02:22:25,329 --> 02:22:27,024 "I'm gonna fuck that girl!" 3181 02:22:27,131 --> 02:22:28,291 And I, like, can't even say that. 3182 02:22:28,399 --> 02:22:29,889 I can't even pretend I would do that. 3183 02:22:30,000 --> 02:22:31,365 I see a hot girl on TV and I'm like, 3184 02:22:31,469 --> 02:22:34,802 "Man, I would friend the shit out of her! 3185 02:22:36,006 --> 02:22:40,807 "I'd friend her all night! I would be her girlfriend! 3186 02:22:41,312 --> 02:22:44,281 "I would drive her to the airport, man! 3187 02:22:45,616 --> 02:22:49,552 "I would hold her purse while she shopped, all over her tits!" 3188 02:22:49,887 --> 02:22:51,684 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 3189 02:22:56,494 --> 02:22:57,791 Thank you. 3190 02:22:58,796 --> 02:23:02,288 Hi, I need a pound of turkey and a half-pint of macaroni salad, please. 3191 02:23:03,467 --> 02:23:04,434 (CLEARS THROAT) 3192 02:23:04,535 --> 02:23:06,628 Um... Yeah, I'll just be one sec, okay? 3193 02:23:06,737 --> 02:23:08,170 Okay, thanks. 3194 02:23:09,173 --> 02:23:10,970 (lMlTATlNG OLD WOMAN) The last time I came here, 3195 02:23:11,075 --> 02:23:14,670 the roast beef you gave me had the string still around it 3196 02:23:14,779 --> 02:23:19,478 and I was unaware of this and fed it to my husband, and he choked. 3197 02:23:23,053 --> 02:23:24,645 How's it going, George? 3198 02:23:26,023 --> 02:23:29,515 You get a break or anything where you can talk? 3199 02:23:29,627 --> 02:23:33,222 Okay, yeah. Sure. Chuck, I'll be one sec, okay, man? 3200 02:23:35,099 --> 02:23:36,464 Shit. 3201 02:23:37,535 --> 02:23:38,502 (CLlCKS) 3202 02:23:41,939 --> 02:23:43,133 (SlGHS) 3203 02:23:48,813 --> 02:23:51,304 So, you had to get your job back here, huh? 3204 02:23:52,950 --> 02:23:57,011 Yeah. You know, I figured I could use a little job stability. 3205 02:23:57,555 --> 02:23:59,318 Oh, I'm sorry. 3206 02:23:59,590 --> 02:24:02,923 I get health insurance. It's pretty good. 3207 02:24:03,594 --> 02:24:09,863 So, I thought a lot about what you said in the car to me. 3208 02:24:10,835 --> 02:24:14,532 A few of those things might have been accurate. 3209 02:24:15,439 --> 02:24:19,273 You tried to help me and I'm sorry I put you in the middle of all that stuff. 3210 02:24:19,910 --> 02:24:22,674 I'm better in my body. 3211 02:24:22,780 --> 02:24:26,511 My brain has a ways to go, though. 3212 02:24:28,719 --> 02:24:31,313 How are you doing, though? You're doing okay? 3213 02:24:35,192 --> 02:24:36,659 I don't know, lra. 3214 02:24:41,198 --> 02:24:42,165 I... 3215 02:24:42,800 --> 02:24:46,167 I caught your whole set the other night, lra. Nice. 3216 02:24:46,837 --> 02:24:48,498 Yeah, yeah, no, you're getting a rhythm. 3217 02:24:48,606 --> 02:24:52,702 You're starting to be the lra I like in real life onstage. 3218 02:24:52,810 --> 02:24:55,506 Thanks. Yeah, I've been getting up a lot lately, so it's going well. 3219 02:24:55,613 --> 02:24:58,707 Yeah, you were funny, and it was a fart-free set. 3220 02:24:59,083 --> 02:25:02,985 I wrote some stuff down that night that... Some jokes. 3221 02:25:03,087 --> 02:25:04,850 You want to hear it? 3222 02:25:04,955 --> 02:25:06,650 You what? 3223 02:25:06,757 --> 02:25:10,022 I couldn't stop thinking of jokes for you last night. It was bizarre. 3224 02:25:10,728 --> 02:25:13,720 I'm not saying they're good jokes, but I try. 3225 02:25:15,733 --> 02:25:17,132 You actually wrote them down! 3226 02:25:17,234 --> 02:25:19,828 Yeah, yeah, yeah. My fucking memory's horrible. 3227 02:25:20,537 --> 02:25:24,473 That thing you did about the Wii Fit thing. What's that? 3228 02:25:24,608 --> 02:25:26,542 Oh, like, "My video game..." Yeah. 3229 02:25:26,644 --> 02:25:28,407 "My video game told me I'm fat?" 3230 02:25:28,512 --> 02:25:30,309 Yeah, yeah, yeah. "The ultimate betrayal." Yeah. 3231 02:25:30,414 --> 02:25:35,010 Right, right. You could maybe say, "l mean, that's like my pot telling me I'm lazy." 3232 02:25:35,185 --> 02:25:36,345 Oh, that's really funny. 3233 02:25:36,453 --> 02:25:38,421 "And the Wii is similar to my grandmother. 3234 02:25:38,522 --> 02:25:40,319 "She used to tell me I'm getting chubby 3235 02:25:40,424 --> 02:25:43,450 "and then bring me chicken parmesan and say, 'Why are you so fat?"' 3236 02:25:43,560 --> 02:25:44,618 (LAUGHlNG) 3237 02:25:44,728 --> 02:25:45,888 That's really funny! 3238 02:25:45,996 --> 02:25:49,124 It's true. The video game made me fat and... It is like my grandmother. 3239 02:25:49,233 --> 02:25:50,257 All right. "Why are you so fat? 3240 02:25:50,367 --> 02:25:52,130 "Here's four gallons of chocolate milk." 3241 02:25:52,236 --> 02:25:53,703 That's good! She would always do that. 3242 02:25:53,804 --> 02:25:55,669 That's good. I got one I've been afraid to tell, 3243 02:25:55,773 --> 02:25:59,573 kind of, about, like, Viagra. It's like, "My grandfather takes Viagra 3244 02:25:59,677 --> 02:26:02,612 "and he thought he was tittie-fucking my grandmother..." 3245 02:26:02,713 --> 02:26:04,203 Yeah? "But then he realized he was tittie-fucking 3246 02:26:04,315 --> 02:26:05,282 "his own balls." 3247 02:26:05,382 --> 02:26:06,906 (BOTH LAUGHlNG) 3248 02:26:07,284 --> 02:26:08,581 That's funny! You got to do that! 3249 02:26:08,686 --> 02:26:09,948 That's pretty funny, huh? 3250 02:26:10,054 --> 02:26:12,716 You got to say that the thing... That when you're that old 3251 02:26:12,823 --> 02:26:15,257 and you have a boner that there's not a good position, you know? 3252 02:26:15,359 --> 02:26:16,519 That's funny! That's really... 3253 02:26:16,627 --> 02:26:18,151 You do it doggy-style, your knees hurt. 3254 02:26:18,262 --> 02:26:20,127 You get water on your knee. 3255 02:26:20,230 --> 02:26:21,993 "l can't even hold myself up in..." Exactly. 3256 02:26:22,099 --> 02:26:23,964 "What would an old man do?" Yeah... 3257 02:26:24,201 --> 02:26:26,169 (ACOUSTIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYlNG) 3258 02:28:36,433 --> 02:28:38,060 WARREN ZEVON: Let's do another bad one then 3259 02:28:38,168 --> 02:28:41,763 'cause I like it when the blood drains from David's face. 3260 02:28:42,106 --> 02:28:44,040 (ROCK MUSIC PLAYlNG) 3261 02:30:39,456 --> 02:30:40,423 MABLE: Okay. 3262 02:30:40,524 --> 02:30:42,515 (SLOW SHOW TUNE PLAYlNG) 3263 02:31:08,385 --> 02:31:14,756 (SINGING) Burnt-out ends of smoky days 3264 02:31:14,858 --> 02:31:20,626 The stale cold smell of morning 3265 02:31:22,165 --> 02:31:28,468 The streetlamp dies, another night is over 3266 02:31:29,139 --> 02:31:34,771 Another day is dawning 3267 02:31:36,546 --> 02:31:41,916 Touch me It's so easy to leave me 3268 02:31:42,486 --> 02:31:48,982 All alone with the memory Of my days in the sun 3269 02:31:50,360 --> 02:31:56,697 If you touch me You'll understand what happiness is 3270 02:31:57,901 --> 02:32:02,361 Look, a new day 3271 02:32:02,472 --> 02:32:07,171 has begun 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.moviesubtitles.org