♪ La la la ♪
(woman screams)
(people chattering)
(gentle music)
Alicia: You're not in a hurry?
Nope, one more client.
Alicia: Ugh, late night.
Yep, if she shows.
Alicia: Do you mind finishing up in the back?
I'm running late already.
I got it.
Don't wanna keep the boy waiting.
Not this boy.
How do I look?
Beautiful, lady.
He doesn't wait, he's an idiot.
Alicia: All right, I'll see ya later.
Hi!
(speaking faintly)
Bye!
Hey, Mandy.
Come on over.
I know I was in full support of growing out the hair,
but it's been too long, I missed you.
(Mandy laughs)
I know, I know.
I've been so busy.
So, what are we doin' tonight?
Mandy: A wash and a blowout.
You in a hurry?
Yeah.
Claire: I was gonna offer you some wine, but--
Red?
Claire: Uh, I think so.
I can make time for that.
Claire: (laughs) Okay.
Thank you.
(Mandy sighs)
Claire: Merlot?
Winner.
(tense music)
Claire: There you go.
Oh, thank you.
So, what's the hurry?
Ugh, throwing a gigantic party later this evening.
Boss' 25th anniversary with the company. (sighs)
I need to look perfect.
Claire: We can do that.
I'm hoping this goes a long way
towards finally getting that promotion.
That glass ceiling is a real bitch.
(eerie music)
So where's the party gonna be?
The Benjamin Lofts.
Have you ever been?
Mm.
It is so gorgeous.
And I hired the best caterer.
Oh, it's gonna taste so good.
(ominous music)
Mandy?
Finally.
(ominous music)
(loud thudding) (laughing)
Fuck.
(sighing)
What?
(screaming)
Mandy, Mandy, calm down, calm down.
- Claire! - You're gonna hurt yourself.
Claire, what's happening?!
I just wanna try it on, okay?
I'm gonna give it back.
I just, I need you to be quiet.
- Okay? - What the fuck, Claire?!
No, I just, I need you, just.
Please, please, please.
I.
Help me!
(Claire groans)
(loud squishing)
(Claire panting)
(gentle piano music)
Hi, Pepper.
Where's my girl?
Come here, baby.
Good girl.
Look what I have.
It's a good one, isn't it?
(sighs)
I need to look perfect.
I need to look perfect. (chuckles)
I need to look perfect.
Uh.
(sobs)
(chuckles)
Oh!
That glass ceiling is a real bitch.
(chuckles)
(sobbing)
(ominous music)
Aaron: Serves me right just to see you there.
(clerk laughing)
Yeah, man.
Clerk: Rough night?
Aaron: Yeah, I'm hurting a little bit, dude.
Clerk: Ah, you can see it. (laughs)
Aaron: Hold on, you know what,
I gotta get a bottle of water.
Clerk: Ah, mate, ah, you're drinkin', man.
Aaron: So, what you up to today?
Clerk: This is it, this is my every day.
Aaron: Yeah?
- Yeah. - Lucky to get out,
take advantage of the sun?
(speaking faintly)
(clerk and Aaron laughing) 12 years old.
(speaking faintly)
Aaron: So, he was about 17.
Clerk: 17?
Aaron: Yeah.
Clerk: So, he was 17, and the daughter is 12.
- Yeah. - Awful.
I know, what you do if your 12-year-old got pregnant?
Clerk: (laughs) What would you do, Aaron?
Wouldn't be prepared for that, would you?
(man in red hoodie sighs)
(speaking faintly)
You better go out and enjoy the sun yourself, yeah.
I'm gonna try, I'm gonna try.
(tense music) (muffled speaking)
(speaking faintly)
(man in red hoodie panting)
I don't know, man, probably.
Sure, dude, fuckin' hit me up.
Um, I'm gonna be around there, I mean, not too late.
Nine o'clock?
Yeah, so just get in touch with me,
and then maybe we can grab a couple of beers
and get a little wild or something.
(men groaning)
(tense music)
(panting)
(sighs)
Mm.
(grunting)
(panting)
(coughing)
(grunting)
(panting)
(sighs)
(panting)
(groaning)
(panting)
(heart beating)
(groaning)
(panting)
(grunting)
(panting)
(sighs happily)
(groaning)
(panting)
(tense music)
(groaning)
(panting)
(groaning)
(traffic rumbling) (people chattering)
(electrical whirring)
(speaking faintly)
(electrical whirring)
You think you can be here, bastard, I fuckin' told you.
Stay the fuck away from here.
(tense music) (panting)
(siren wailing)
(heart beating)
(panting)
(coughing)
(panting)
(coughing)
(panting)
(tense music)
(panting)
(laughing lightly)
(panting)
(groaning)
(whimpering)
(panting)
(sirens wailing)
(groaning)
(screaming)
(panting)
(sirens wailing)
(groaning)
(panting)
(eerie music)
(sobbing)
(loud banging)
Officer: Police!
(loud banging)
Open the door!
(singing in foreign language)
(sobbing)
(loud banging)
Police!
(whimpering)
(screaming)
(sobbing)
(tense music)
(eerie music)
(light music)
No dream, Mueller.
You got the invite.
They called and told me about it yesterday.
And you waited until now to tell me, Chef?
Well, I thought it'd be fun to let you stew a bit.
Man, I thought you were mad at me
for screwing up the payroll last week.
Yeah, that's what made it so much fun to let you stew.
Do you know how long I've been waiting
for an invitation to Kitchen X?
Yeah, you've been going on about it for months.
Keep in mind, it's a secret.
There's a reason Kitchen X
is called an underground restaurant.
Health Department nearly shut us down a few years ago
because some food blogger got too mouthy.
This stays between you and me.
God, I hate the Health Department.
Look, even if I had anyone to tell, I wouldn't.
I'm serious, Mueller, you can't tell anyone.
You can't tell any waitresses or customers
or any of your foodie friends in your foodie chatrooms.
No one, not even your girlfriend.
Hannah, I have officially been invited to Kitchen X.
That's great, hun.
I wish I wasn't outta town or I'd go with you.
Although, you might wanna be careful
who you share this info with.
You haven't told anyone else, have you?
No, no, I promised Chef John I wouldn't,
but I had to tell somebody.
Hannah, this is it.
This is what my life has been heading towards.
(laughs) I've been working at a restaurant
for as long as I can remember.
When I was a kid,
I worked for the neighborhood diner washing dishes.
I worked my way through college serving tables.
Fast forward to now,
and I am the general manager of a four-star,
chef-driven, fine-dining establishment,
serving some of the best food in town.
Well, you seem to enjoy working there.
It's a great job, pay's not bad either.
But to be honest,
the best reward is getting to work with someone
that's the caliber of Chef John Lando.
The food, the food is killer,
especially in the last couple of months.
And you know me, I like trying new recipes, I like to cook,
but (chuckles) if I've got Chef John
cooking for me, why bother?
Hannah: You're lucky to be doing what you love.
I've never met anyone who's as much into food as you are.
I can't help it!
You know, lately, I've been reading more cookbooks
than I have fiction
and watching more Food Network than I have films.
Oh, speaking of which, it's a new Wine Dungeon commercial.
(peaceful music)
(heels clicking)
Greg: Mm.
Slave, what is that you are drinking?
It's not a corporate-produced wine, is it?
No Mistress Beth, it is a state-grown, I swear it.
Ah, Riesling, I see you are learning. (giggles)
This Riesling is not dry!
Don't you Americans know
that your Riesling doesn't have to be sweet?
Haven't you learned anything?
(whip snaps)
(whip snapping)
Don't be punished by corporate wines.
Don't let bad wines put you in submission.
Come to the Wine Dungeon and get what you deserve.
(whip snaps)
Get 30% off when you mention this ad.
Hannah: Mueller, Mueller!
(Mueller chuckles)
Sorry, I got sidetracked, bleh.
What was I saying?
Oh yeah, look, if you were to say
my life revolves around food, I'd say you were right,
and that is a life well-rewarded.
(tense music)
Hey Chef.
John: You ready?
You have no idea.
Where is this place?
North of town, don't worry about it.
I'll drive, you leave your car here.
What the hell is that?
Mueller: Bottle of wine I brought for dinner.
No, don't even think about bringing that.
Greg and Beth are pairing wines tonight.
Greg and Beth from the Wine Dungeon?
The very same.
Do yourself a favor, leave that in your car.
(tense music)
How many of these things have you been to, Chef?
John: Quite a few now.
Each one gets better.
The kid running this thing
really pushes the envelop with each dinner,
exposing us all to things we've never tried before.
Mueller: Who brought you your first time?
French Milt.
Whoa, French Milt?
(dramatic music)
(women moaning)
He's gonna be here tonight?
Oh, he wouldn't miss it.
He usually contributes a little something on his own.
(Mueller sighs)
(tense music)
Ah!
Welcome, my friends.
Welcome to Kitchen X.
It is definitely my pleasure
to serve you this evening, Mr. Mueller.
That's Teddy from Spirits Speakeasy.
I love the cocktails there.
Come.
(speaking faintly)
(snapping)
May I present diver scallop
wrapped with applewood-smoked bacon,
topped with a pimenton parsnip puree
with Espelette pepper and a mustard seed. (laughs)
(whips snaps) Ow!
I paired the scallop with this impressive
little sparkler from Spain, Via dei Borgia,
mostly because I thought the terroir of a Bourgogne
would have been too overpowering.
The delicacy of the scallops
seem to call for something a bit more flighty.
(women laughing)
Hi, I'm Beth, I'm from the Wine Dungeon.
Hi
Uh, I'm a big fan of you and Greg.
It's an honor to meet you.
I'm Mueller, I work for John at Lando Seafood.
I love your commercials.
Oh, thank you, Mueller.
Always nice to help someone
develop their taste for fine wines.
You don't drink corporate wines, do you?
Because if you do.
(Mueller gasps)
I'm just kidding, honey. (laughs)
Actually, I put together a wine list
for Lando with some of--
I've actually never been there,
but I've heard some nice things.
If you ever want to develop your wine list,
you should give me a call.
You know, I've been there.
Yeah, I wrote about its opening in my blog.
I wasn't that impressed with the service.
It seemed a bit untrained.
As I mentioned on my blog, you know,
the food was a bit uneven for my tastes.
A couple of the commenters on my blog seem to agree,
but I'm sure you've worked out those problems.
I'd like to think we have.
Oh, well, in that case,
kudos.
(tense music)
(Mueller sighs)
Come, let me introduce you to some people.
Shannon, have you met Mr. Mueller?
I just love your restaurant.
Why, we haven't chatted since, when was it?
You know, it seems like just the other week,
I was telling Dwayne over at the farmer's market
just how good the food was over at your place.
You know Dwayne, right?
Uh, yeah--
He just finished an excellent organic wine dinner
that was mind-blowing.
I told him that I really loved lobster,
and you know what he does?
He puts lobster on the menu.
You have met Teddy,
but have you met French Milt from Amuse-bouche?
Mueller: It's an honor, Chef.
(Mueller chuckles nervously)
The first course is just about ready,
and I need to apply some finishing touches.
Would you mind entertaining Mr. Mueller
while I see to the kitchen?
Ha, thank you.
Well, this place is wonderful, huh?
How 'bout those scallops, huh?
Amazing, they were soft and velvety,
and they were wrapped in that smoked bacon, right?
Actually, the bacon should have been described
as cured instead of smoked.
The devise Brandon used involved pellets
instead of actual hardwood,
which negates it as being smoked.
And personally, I would have referred to it as pork belly,
since that's where bacon comes from.
You you know that, right?
It comes from the belly?
(Mueller sighs)
And that was such an inventive pairing,
the champagne and the bubbles and the scallops, wow.
That's all I can say.
You and Greg really know what you're doing.
It's not really all that inventive,
if you think about it.
The pepper is counteracted
by the cool crispness of the Spanish grape.
The acidity cuts through the spice at, cuts it in half.
In fact, the pairing of sparkling and scallops
is as old--
(bowl chimes)
Ladies and gentlemen, course one is now ready.
Please, join me at the table.
For the first course of this evening,
I am proud to present my version Reuben deconstructed,
complete with a corn beef Wagyu, sauerkraut emulsion,
a Swiss cheese cream, Russian foam dressing,
and a rye crouton.
I would like to thank Beth and Greg
for pairing this with a lovely pinot from Stover Creek.
(Brandon laughs)
Oh, the '07 vintage, of course.
Beth And Greg: Dungeon approved.
(Beth and Greg laughing)
Ah, please, everyone enjoy.
We eat to support life and to practice the way.
Mm, corn beefing Wagyu,.
Oh Brendan, you are something of a treat.
This is actually my first time getting to taste Wagyu.
These flavors are amazing.
The Japanese believed they can flavor this exclusive meat
with extensive care and attention.
Not only do they control their diet,
but they can feed the cows beer and sake.
And they massage the cows, dude.
What a way to go.
The flavors in this dish are so compelling.
I wish I could take a photograph for my blog.
No photos!
I know, I just wish I could.
Wait till you try the next course.
Kidney.
Oh, how are you cooking the kidney?
Oh, kidney is a fun little dish.
First, you gotta get in and pull off the membrane,
but you're gonna need to leave
a little fat on there for flavor, you know.
Now, most people'll tell ya that you gotta marinate it
with a little vinegar and soy sauce
because it's a pretty stinky organ,
but I like to add just a little bit of milk in there
to cut right through the flavor.
Then, a little garlic, a little onion,
and we dice that kidney up into little half inchers
and drop it in, a little simmer.
Add some aromatics like a bonyato or some carrots.
(Mueller sighs)
What's wrong, Mueller?
Little awful talk makin' ya uneasy?
That's the problem with most Americans.
They don't respect the awful.
No one seems to realize that tenderloins are finite.
(Mueller panting)
I'm sorry, I got dizzy all of a sudden.
You don't have a shellfish or peanut allergy, do you?
Uh, not that I know of.
If I had a shellfish allergy,
I'd just have to kill myself.
Me too.
My all-time favorite wine is Vermentino,
especially the later Sardinian vintages.
I can't fathom not enjoying shrimp.
(Mueller sighs)
(tense music)
What's the matter, buddy?
You don't look so good.
I'm sorry, everyone.
I think the bubbles from that champagne
are going to my head.
It's not champagne
unless it comes from the region in France.
What you had was a Spanish Cava.
Uh, Mr. Mueller, would you like to lie down?
I have a little room just to the right of the kitchen,
if you like (laughing).
(Mueller gasps)
(Mueller panting)
Hey buddy, how you doin'?
You did all right.
Chef, what's going on?
Why am I in this tub?
Hang in there, buddy.
You just got a little ill at dinner.
You just need to rest up a little bit.
(Mueller panting)
Chef, Chef, get me outta here.
It's frickin' freezing in here.
We'll get ya out in a little bit.
You just need to relax.
You don't wanna injure yourself anymore, do ya?
(Mueller gasps)
(tense music)
Mueller: I'm bleeding.
Chef, why am I bleeding?
Chef, what am I doing in this tub with all this ice?
(Mueller gasps)
What, what are you doing?
French Milt said if that guy keeps freaking out like that,
he's gonna pump adrenaline through his body,
and I don't want him spoiling those ribs
before I have a chance to show
the impressive pairing I have for them.
Rose, buddy.
Not in the neck, you idiot.
You think tasting the adrenaline and the endorphins are bad?
Once those drugs hit his system,
we'll be tasting chemicals all night.
You have any idea
what I've been feeding this guy for a week?
(peaceful music)
(John coughs)
Mueller: Please, somebody help me!
That would be the dinner bell.
(all laughing)
Mm, Brandon, these black beans are a wonderful addition.
The thigh really is more marbled, Milt.
You were right.
I like the skin, crispy.
Where are the skins?
Oh, don't worry, pal.
I'll get ya some skins for your doggie bag.
We'll have to process him before the night's over,
so they'll be plenty of stuff for everybody
for late night snackin'.
Bully's picked on me in school.
I never really fit in.
I admit I thought about suicide for a long, long time,
but that's when I found food, and I finally belonged,
and I started the blog, and it was like,
for the first time, food gave my life meaning.
He may have been a little old for my tastes.
Think about it, nobody eats a farm animal in its late 20s.
Yeah, that's why your work
with molecular gastronomy is so amazing.
It's not tough or stringy at all.
So, what's the next course?
It's something to know
I can look back on those bullies back in school
and know that they know nothing
about the difference between cured ham and prosciutto.
(Teddy laughs)
Savages know nothing of sous vide, right? (laughs)
Enjoy your white zinfandel, peons.
(Teddy laughs)
Check his temperature.
Don't hit the bone, dude.
I know.
(Mueller screaming) (tense music)
(Mueller panting)
Teddy, Teddy, what's going on?
Calm down.
Oh my god, is that meat thermometer?
(Mueller sobbing)
Please, don't do this, please!
Please, don't do this!
He's still squealing in here?
Check these out.
They come up in New York.
This one's for power.
This one's for finesse.
Plus, they cut through bone, dude.
(tense music)
Mueller: No, no, no!
(Mueller screaming)
Hold still or it's gonna hurt a whole lot worse!
(Mueller screaming)
You better get a rollin' pin in here.
We gotta shut this guy up!
John: I'll take care of this, French Milt.
Relax, and wrap those fingers in bacon.
Remember, there's eight of us,
and we need all of his fingers, and no thumbs.
Those are nasty.
(tense music)
I was gonna make a little pate out of these guys,
but they went a different route.
Personally, I think whole sous vide thing
is a passing phase and overrated, but when in Rome.
(tense music)
(body thudding)
(peaceful music)
Wow, I don't think we're topping that thigh.
Hey, anybody want a Pimm's?
Oh, I just adore Pimm's.
I'll have some.
Don't even think of ruining your palate
with those botanicals.
The juniper in that liquor
will counteract the delicate tannins
and soft finish of the Burgundy I've selected.
Oh, but this is gin-based.
I've got the Pimm's number six up.
It's vodka.
I thought they stopped making that years ago.
They did.
(tense music)
(Mueller panting)
(Mueller groaning)
(Mueller panting)
Shannon: So, tell me, Brandon,
what inspired genius we'll be enjoying in the next course.
Brandon: Ah, it's a little something
French Milt and John, they dream up.
We take the fingers, we wrap them in bacon,
and serve them over white bean cassoulet.
The white beans are from the farmer's market.
All: Oh.
(Brandon laughs)
French: Still think it's fundamentally wrong
that we're keepin' him alive.
I mean, really, it is not right.
Darla: You're being ridiculous.
French: Am I really?
It is a proven fact that the hogfish,
which is headshot in the Keys, dies more quickly,
so heart stops pumpin' blood to the organs,
which, in turn, preserves the meat.
The fish never goes into shock, mean never gets sour.
(Mueller groaning)
(Mueller panting)
(fingers sizzling)
Ancient cultures have long believed
that fear seasons the kill.
Fear and maybe a little bit of bacon fat.
Everything tastes better with bacon.
I prefer to do my flavorings with my meat myself.
(Mueller sobbing)
(upbeat music)
Hannah: So Brandon, how does he taste?
Hannah?
You're a part of this?
Hannah: Shit!
(phone buzzing)
I actually googled Donner party
cookin' methods the other day.
I musta looked at 100 different sites.
And there was this very droll documentary
about the whole affair, which I have to say,
conveniently left out how they prepared the food.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Those who don't learn about mistakes in the past
are condemned to repeat them.
That's what they say. (chuckles)
Or something like that anyway.
The only thing I did find was one word, roasted,
which could mean anything.
I mean, how did they roast it?
Did they use wood like in a traditional barbecue,
and if so, what kinda wood, hickory, oak, larch?
I think they used mesquite out West.
(tense music)
(Greg screaming)
Stop your whining.
Greg.
Greg?
(Teddy gasps)
Now, it's my pleasure to serve you.
Where do you think you're going, Mueller?
Look at you.
Tch, tch, tch, you won't make it a block in your condition,
not unless you let me help you.
It's cold out there.
Give us the bottle, Mueller.
Stop being such a naughty boy, Mueller.
You know you don't wanna hurt us.
If you put that bottle down,
I promise I'll give you the spanking of your life.
You know you wanna give it to me.
(Beth groaning)
I like my wine full bodied.
(Beth groaning)
(Beth panting)
I am sick and tired
of being the one getting cut on.
I'm gonna kill everyone of you sick mother--
(loud banging)
Hannah.
(Mueller coughs)
You little food whore.
You guys owe me big time for this one.
I was just supposed to seduce the prey.
It was your job to make the kill.
Oh well, the things I do for a good meal.
Nice shot, Hannah.
See what I was tellin' ya, Brandon?
Instant kill stops the heart, meat doesn't go into shock.
I still think there are exquisite flavors you get
when blood pump through the heart,
especially the fearful heart.
You remember pig we have last week.
Oh, you mean the cop?
(Darla groans)
What do we do about all these bodies?
That's a whole lot of meat.
I have a very big deep freezer.
Let's chunk these bodies up and get 'em on ice.
Let's get this heart out quick.
("Cannibals in Love" by The Mission Creeps)
♪ You and me alone ♪
♪ With a hunger and a craving ♪
(eerie music)
(tense music)
You're late.
Last minute red tape, but we're here.
Burton.
Can you please open this, sir?
There's no need to call me sir.
(tense music)
My friends call me Snake, you know, like Plissken.
It's clear.
Keep movin', idiot.
Are you ready for this last step
in your recovery program, R.J.?
And why are we doing this?
I have to know, once and for all,
that what I saw that night wasn't real,
that it was just a figment of my overactive imagination.
Good.
The sooner you can accept that,
the sooner you can move on with your life.
Good luck, kid.
Thanks, Burton.
(tense music)
(door slams)
We'll give him 10 minutes.
So, what happened in there that made him go all nutso?
Seven years ago, his brother went missing.
R.J. was babysitting him at the time.
(eerie music)
(tense music)
(loud squishing)
He went looking for his sibling all around the house
and later found him dead in the basement.
He suffered a total mental breakdown from the trauma.
(eerie music)
(R.J. sniffles)
He went into a catatonic state,
didn't talk or communicate for a year.
He blamed himself for his brother's death.
How'd his brother die?
He bled to death.
Somebody stabbed him?
Actually, someone cut his genitals off.
Poor kid.
By the way, they never did find his you know what.
Or the person who did it,
which only added to R.J.'s paranoia.
His religious parents had warned him
about playing with himself.
Masturbation was the most sinful thing
you could do in that household,
and if you gave into such devilish behavior,
the knob goblin would get you.
(tense music)
(R.J. sniffling)
(R.J. sighs)
All right, you bastard.
If you're real, show yourself.
(tense music) (loud squishing)
(low grumbling)
(knob goblin growling)
We may never know who actually killed his brother,
but at least we can get some closure for R.J.'s psyche.
The last step is acknowledging
there's no such thing as demonic creatures in the basement.
(tense music)
(knob goblin growls)
(R.J. screams)
(cuckoo clock chiming)
Time's up R.J.
Did you hear me, R.J.?
(tense music)
Well, shit.
What the hell you doin'?
Call the police.
So, I still get paid for this, right?
(Dr. Blair sighs)
(blood squishing)
(eerie music)
(tense music)
(singing in foreign language)
(dramatic music)
(singing in foreign language)
("Cannibals in Love" by The Mission Creeps)
♪ You and me alone ♪
♪ With a hunger and a craving ♪
♪ Nothing here to eat ♪
♪ One of us must say ♪
♪ Usual, it's true ♪
♪ I'm stranger than the normal mind ♪
♪ I offer it to you ♪
♪ So one of us may thrive ♪
♪ Cannibals in love ♪
♪ What good's an eye ♪
♪ If I can't see your flaws ♪
♪ Take it if you wish ♪
♪ I will always be in awe ♪
♪ And what good's a leg ♪
♪ If I plan to never leave ya ♪
♪ Carry me away ♪
♪ And I promise to believe in ya ♪
♪ Cannibals in love ♪
(tense electronic music)
Snake: Knob goblins?
Dr. Blair: Knob goblin, knob goblin would get you.
Snake: Knob goblins?
Dr. Blair: Knob goblin would get you, knob goblin.
The knob goblin would get you.