Ever since Arnaz became the finest thing on two legs,
it's been hard to talk to him.
Maybe he worked a root on me.
I see.
Growing up, did you love your father?
Yes, but I'm developing hostility issues toward my best friend.
Breanna, we're role playing.
I'm Dr. Melfi, you're Tony Soprano.
So, if you're holding back, forget about it.
- [knocking] - [Arnaz] Breanna, I'm here.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Arnaz is here.
What do I do? What do I do?
Remember, if you feel uncomfortable
just go to your safe place.
Oh, my God, you go get a man.
So, you wanted to see me?
Yeah, Arnaz.
I... I feel... Shh.
I feel the same way, too.
I just need to hear you say it.
I like you, Arnaz.
No.
I love you.
I love you, too, Breanna.
- [needle scratch] - Breanna?
- [snaps fingers] - Breanna?
Are you okay?
I... I think I have to go to my safe place.
♪ Sometimes in this life ♪
♪ You can feel all by yourself Check one two ♪
♪ But I have a partner ♪
♪ When I can't trust no one else ♪
♪ So don't isolate yourself ♪
♪ When there's nobody around Uh-huh, oh, yeah ♪
♪ I'll be there through thick and thin ♪
♪ What a true love we have found ♪
♪ Me and you against the world Living one on one ♪
♪ One on one ♪
♪ Can't nobody break this bond ♪
♪ Living one on one ♪
♪ Life has just begun Now we're having fun ♪
♪ Living one on one ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Ooh ooh ♪
♪ One on one ♪
All right, the pancakes are almost ready. How are the eggs coming?
Sunny-side up, just like mom.
You know such a different side of her than I do.
I don't care what you say.
I'm glad Mommy's in town because I got six new outfits
and none of them are from Tar-Jay, Pop.
Hey, Breanna.
Flex.
Mommy's here with the real breakfast
so you can put away the Twizzlers and the Kool-Aid.
Prepare to have your face cracked, Nicole.
Wolfgang Flex is working it out in the kitchen.
Holla.
Leezy!
Ooh.
Oh, wow, you two have a whole routine worked out.
Breanna and I used to have a routine.
Oh, no, not like ours.
Come on, let's show her.
- [whispering] - All right, all right.
Five, six, seven, eight...
One, two, three, four...
Ah, ah, ah... Get 'em hot!
[laughing]
Well, you taught her how to dance, too.
How cute.
All I did was let them slice my stomach open to give her life.
And on that note, breakfast is served.
Come on, Mom, you can sit right here.
So, uh, how's everything going with your little charity event,
"Fish Aid"?
Well, if you're talking about the City Aquarium's.
Celebrity Basketball Jam, it's going great.
Largely because they chose a local girl,
me, who made good, to organize it.
Ah, that's good. You've earned it, Nicole.
Not many sisters can ride the backs of killer whales.
[laughing]
I'm sorry, Mom, but that was a good one.
Yee-ha!
[sings "Lone Ranger Theme"]
So, uh, Dad, you're a celebrity. Why aren't you playing in the game?
Ha-ha!
I'm not wasting my skills
playing against Al Roker and Danny Bonaduce.
Excuse me, I'll have you know that Darius Miles
and Quentin Richardson of the Clippers have just confirmed.
Oh, yeah, did I say, uh, Bill Walton's going to coach?
Bill Walton, as in.
"Shaq's taking a break already? How old is that guy?"
Oh, count me in. I'm down like two flat tires.
Mm, so are your knees.
Oh, see, you were always jealous of my love for basketball.
That's because you loved her more than you loved me.
- Her? - Well, see,
basketball was his mistress, sweetie.
When I was pregnant with you, he tried to dribble my stomach.
I can't wait to show those young NBA boys
how the game is really played.
[laughing]
Do you really think you can run behind Quentin and Darius?
Come on, Flex, they just stopped being teenagers.
You, my friend, are on a roller coaster ride to... middle-age.
[laughing]
I'm sorry, Dad, but that was a good one, too.
Whee! Put 'em up, put 'em up!
- Whoo! - That's all right.
Then Tiffany fell off the top of the pyramid and sprained her ankle.
They asked me if I wanted to be captain...
- Baby, what's your cup size? - Mama!
Well, I'm sorry, I just don't remember you being so... pillowy.
What else have I been missing?
Actually, Mom, I am having a problem.
With a boy.
Oh, my God.
You're pregnant? Oh, God, the cycle continues.
No, no, no, Mama, no!
It's, it's about Arnaz.
I think I'm...
in like with him.
Well, baby, I thought you and Arnaz were just friends.
We were, until he started dating this girl Natasha.
She's a junior who thinks Arnaz smells like peaches.
Mm, I know that smell.
Then Dad went out of town and I had a little party with my friends.
And I thought Arnaz was making out with Natasha in my room
and Arnaz thought I was making out with Lewis,
but I wasn't.
So, you were alone in the house with the boys?
Flex!
Oh, Lord, I think I said too much.
Breanna had a wild party while you left her alone in the house?
What kind of parent are you?
The kind of parent that already punished her for that.
We worked it out and now I trust her.
Even though she's 50 percent you.
Flex, when I left Breanna here a year ago,
you promised you would take good care of her.
Maybe you are not up to the job.
I've done a great job with Breanna.
She's inches away from the honor roll,
she's only been to detention twice
and she's not wearing a hair weave.
The way I see it, I'm raising a perfect little princess.
So, tell me how she's gone up a cup size?
Well, that depends, uh,
if you're talking mesh, underwire, or seamless.
[Duane] You're gonna kick some NBA butt tomorrow.
You're looking as good as you used to.
All right, well, throw me the rock, dog.
I'll show you some more moves.
Good pass, shorty.
Does Mrs. Butterworth know you have her scarf?
Okay, all right, all right.
See, what happened was I was going to alley-oop it to myself,
but see, I see it takes two of you all to do that.
Yo, I'm Q. Richardson.
D. Miles, of the L.A. Clippers.
I know who y'all are, man. All that, I know.
Flex Washington, sportscaster and former baller.
Fla-dapp.
Fla-dapp? We don't bang unless you're talking about banging the boards.
- It's on you. - Oh, oh...
You're going to call a...
- You're going to call a brother out, huh? - Back up.
All right.
[grunting]
You all right, old man?
You didn't break a hip or nothing, did you?
Nah, see, the rim was low and it hit my chin.
So I, I just... Holla.
Hey, Flex. Yeah. Flex Washington.
Land-a-goshen, it's Bill Walton.
Who said that?
I remember you. You're smooth. You've really got game.
You remember my game?
Not really, but you're on my team, I want to win.
Hang in there, kid.
Man.
My butt tells me I should quit but an NBA Hall of Famer
tells me I should hang in there.
And believe me, he knows more than my butt.
Sometimes my butt talks to me, too.
It's like a seashell. Put your ear up to it
you can hear the wind whistling off the Potomac.
All right, Spike Lee-sa, let's do this.
Trust me.
When you spill your guts on this videotape and Arnaz sees it,
he's going to be Silly Putty in your hands.
Now... here's your motivation.
You're longing for the man you love who doesn't love you. Action!
Yo, Arnaz.
I just want you to know that I'm feeling you
and I want you to be my shorty.
Cut, cut, cut, cut.
Okay, um, can I have a little more Halle,
less Jada?
Okay, you know what, you're fired.
I'm doing this video my way.
Pick up your check on the way out.
Fine.
Actors. It's always about them.
Hey, Arnaz.
Um, I just want to let you know that I like you,
as much as you like me.
Nah, scratch that.
I love you, Boo.
Oh, you did it.
'Tis done.
Oh, I look like I've been kissing the Jolly Green Giant!
Oh, I've got to get that tape back. I've got to get it back!
[cheering]
Go, go, go!
[whistle blows]
Goodness gracious, McDonald's fouled out! Who's my go-to guy, now?
I'm ready to go in, Coach! Please pick me! I want to go in!
Sit down, shut up, I'm the coach around here.
Harry, get in there and do something once in your life.
Come on, let's go.
Boo!
When are they going to put your dad in the game?
Forget about him.
I got to get that tape back before Arnaz sees me
with a big hunk of spinach in my teeth.
What is he doing here?
Your mom gave me an extra ticket so I invited him.
Happy?
Hey, mind sharing?
Sure, Peaches.
I mean, Arnaz.
See that guy right there?
He's got jalapenos stuck in his teeth.
People like that are just dirty.
[whistle blows]
I guess all you're going to end up being
is the best-looking guy in the team picture, huh?
Yeah, especially if you're in it.
You know, everything is a joke to you, isn't it?
You know, that's why our daughter isn't on the honor roll.
She's throwing wild sex parties.
Now, if she were with me,
she would be on the honor roll living a very serious, jokeless life.
You don't have to remind me. I was married to you.
Oh, you were never married to me.
You were married to that orange ball.
And she divorced you, just like I did.
Oh, yeah?
We're getting back together. And we're going to be happy.
- You don't know how to be happy. - I know how to be happy. You don't know...
- You trippin'... - [whistle blows]
Hey, hey.
A man with this much spirit absolutely has to be in this game.
Now Jimmy Walker just fouled out.
Flex, you're in. It's on you.
Oh... [laughs] See, I'm in.
In your face, Moby.
[imitates dolphin squeal]
[applause and cheering]
[cheering]
[buzzer]
[loud cheering]
Ha! That's my boy!
What did I tell all you doubting Thomases, huh?
Man, I told you I'd pay you in the parking lot.
Daddy, you were so great out there.
Shave your head, get a few tattoos
and you'll look like... any black NBA player.
[laughing]
Oh, wow, Flex, as much as I hate to admit it,
you looked pretty good out there.
Good for an old man?
No. Good enough to help us raise $50,000.
So, why don't we all go to Verranzano's
and celebrate with pizza? My treat.
I'd love to, Mom but me and Spirit are about to go deep cover.
Uh, just make sure your clothes stay on.
For God sakes, I'm not interested in sex.
What kind of a world did you two grow up in?
Wow.
I guess she doesn't have time for her parents, huh?
Yeah, I just grab my moments with her whenever I can.
Flex! Great game.
Even with all that time off as a civilian, you haven't lost a thing.
Congratulations.
Well, you know how it is, Bill.
The great ones never lose it.
So true, Flex.
I don't know if you knew it or not but I scout part-time for the Clippers.
They could really use a veteran like you. Here.
Why don't you take my card, give me a call
and I'll hook you up for a trial.
But please... please promise me one thing, Flex.
Stay black.
You know that, Walton.
[chuckles]
Did you hear that?
Bill Walton thinks I'm ready to play in the NBA.
Yeah. I heard him, Flex.
- Loud and clear. - [laughs]
Come on. Let's go get that pizza you're treating me to.
Half pepperoni, half crow.
[caws]
[spy music playing]
Okay, Spirit, Arnaz is not home.
He's at his guitar lesson, so make sure no one sneaks up on me, okay?
Don't worry. If anybody comes
I'll hit him over the head with a fire extinguisher
then take him to the chop shop. Bada-boom, bada-bing!
No more Sopranos for you, okay?
Let's just see if the video's been delivered.
Ooh, girl, I see it right there.
All I got to do is stick my arm in
unlock the door, and we'll have it.
Uh-oh.
What?
My arm is stuck.
Help me!
Aah!
[guitar plays inside the apartment]
Oh, my God!
He's home. Girl, you got a problem. I'm ghost.
Ah.
Breanna, what are you doing here?
Uh...
Volunteer work.
Why?
Because I'm proud to be an American.
Good day, sir.
My life is such a mess.
I almost got caught at Arnaz's house trying to steal a tape that I made for him
to tell him I love him, but I had spinach in my teeth
so I didn't want him to see it.
You've turned into a thief?
I blame your father.
No! No, no, no.
Blame Arnaz for making me fall in love with him.
I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!
- Well, I still blame your father! - [groans]
But you know what?
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
And I think a summer up in Nova Scotia
with your mommy might be just what the doctor ordered.
[grumbling]
Well, there's lots of fun stuff to do there.
There's-there's ice fishing,
and then, there's the great moose migration.
Oh. And let's not forget the summer annual blubber cook-offs.
Blubber? Mm-hmm.
Uh, no offense, Mom, but you're a nerd.
Excuse me?
That's Doctor Nerd.
[guffawing]
Woohoo!
Ha-ha!
Good news, Breanna.
I just got off the phone with Bill Walton.
I've been invited to a tryout with the Clippers next week
in Los Angeles!
[screaming]
My daddy's going to be in the NBA. Oh, I'm happy again.
Who needs Arnaz when I can get Kobe?
Um, sweetie...
you don't want to live with your father while he's in the NBA.
What do you mean, Mommy?
Yeah, what do you mean, Mommy?
Well, Breanna doesn't know what that NBA life is like.
You'll be on the road all the time.
Uh, excuse me, half the time.
With training camp, a mere seven months of the year.
Ah, but then when he's home
he'll be too exhausted to spend any time with you.
Oh, and then there's those cheap airport trinkets
he'll bring home to make up for all the lost anniversaries.
Hey, you told me you loved those international back-scratchers.
Flex, all I'm saying is, Breanna needs a stable environment...
back in Nova Scotia with me.
But, Mom, my life is here in Baltimore now.
My school, my friends, and possibly, my man.
Baby, you can find a really great boy in Nova Scotia.
Yeah, and he'll have blubber breath.
Mommy, I don't want to go to Nova Scotia.
All right, what's really going on here, Nicole?
I can do the NBA thing and still make it work with Breanna.
I've made a really good life for myself up in Nova Scotia
and I want to share that with my daughter.
I've made a really good life for her here
and I want to keep sharing it with her.
All right, Flex, let's be honest.
[sighs]
I miss my daughter.
She's changing every day.
See, this would be good for the both of us.
You'll get your dream, and I'll get mine.
Wait a minute. I thought your dream was to go to Nova Scotia and free Willy.
Flex, I let you talk me
into letting Breanna stay with you for a year.
And that year is up.
Are you trying to tell me
that you're taking Breanna away from me?
All I'm saying is...
the year is up.
Ooh, if we don't get that tape back
I'm going to have to move to Nova Scotia with my Mama.
So, new plan.
A Molotov cocktail through Arnaz's neighbor's window.
The curtains will catch on fire
and when everyone evacuates, we dress as firemen,
grab the tape, and if anybody sees us
we lay low in the old country till the heat blows off.
Okay, one more word out of you
and I'm turning you into the Feds.
Capisce?
[knock on the door]
Oh, you and the Sopranos thing.
You are not Italian. Look in the mirror.
Uh... hi.
Breanna...
about this tape...
♪ One on one ♪
♪ Uh-huh yo Ooh ooh ♪
♪ One on one ♪
♪ One on one we're just ♪
♪ One on one ♪
♪ Uh-huh yo Ooh ooh ♪
♪ One on one ♪
- I love you, Daddy. - Love you, too, Netta.