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谢谢大家 Thank you so much!
谢谢 Thank you so much!
谢谢大家 Thanks, everybody!
嘿同志 Hey there.
你好吗 Hey,How are ya!
谢谢，冷静下来 Thank you so much.Please.
谢谢大家 Thank you so much everybody.
太棒了 That's awfully nice.
欢迎收看晚间秀 Welcome to "the late show."
我就站再这里了 Alright？I'm standing here.
欢迎大家收看晚间秀 Welcome to "the late show",everybody.
我是扣熊 今晚过得怎么样？ I'm Stephen colbert.How's everybody doing tonight?
别对我说谎 Don't lie to me.
我们今天都有点不在状态 We're all feeling a little off today.
而且我们知道原因 And we know why.
我们知道原因（没错我们知道） And we know why.(We know. We know)
因为夏时制 It's daylight saving time.
这是我最不喜欢的节日 It's my least favorite holiday.
首先，那些游行庆祝实在是糟糕 For one thing, the parade is horrible.
我是假设它很糟糕 At least I assume it is.
因为我做每件事都晚了一个小时，所以我总是错过它 I always miss it because I'm an hour late for everything now.
夏时制太不公平了 It's so unfair.
这是一整年来最不公平的一件事了 It's the least fair thing in the entire year.
美国人民辛苦工作 Americans work hard.
我们前所未有的长时间工作 We are working longer hours than ever.
而我们大部分人所拥有的休息 And the only break most of us get
就是周末多睡一会 is a little extra sleep on the weekends.
那时我还在做紧张工作的梦 Which I use to stress-dream about work.
然后一年中有这么一天 Then one day a year,
政府隐藏在夜幕中 the government comes in under cover of darkness,
偷取了我们睡眠中宝贵的一小时 and steals a precious hour of sleep from us.
第二天醒来，我本以为会有一个轻松愉悦的周日 The next day, I wake up thinking I'm going to have a nice,relaxing Sunday.
可是打开手机看到时间之后 But then I check my phone.I see the real time
我就疯狂地对手机咆哮 and I turn into a crazy person yelling at his phone.
你背叛了我！ You betrayed me!
现在把你扔进厕所我也不会内疚了 Now I won't feel guilty when I drop you in a toilet.
我已经受够了 So I'm over it.
尤其是“春的脚步”这个词 Especially the phrase "spring forward".
别说的那么好听 Don't try to make it sound fun.
我没在跃向未来 I'm not "leaping" into the future!
我只是在从床上跳起来 I'm barely hoisting myself out of bed.
而且这项政策很危险 And it's dangerous.
真的 This is absolutely true.
有研究表明 Studies have shown
夏时制后的周一早上发生的车祸数量有所增加 that there's an increase in auto accidents the Monday after daylight savings.
汽车都很累 Even our cars are tired.
我想问个问题，我觉得这个问题很合理 My question is -- and I think his is a reasonable question
为什么要在周末开始实行夏时制 Why does it have to happen on the weekend?
为什么不能放在周三下午四点 Why can't they do it on a Wednesday at 4:00?
看啊，已经五点了 该回家了 Hey look, now it's 5:00.Time to go home.
共和党候选人，如果你想阻止川普，记得把这个讲出来 Republican candidates, if you want to stop Trump, make that your platform.
这个（政策）太武断了 I mean, it's totally arbitrary.
毕竟时间只是一个概念而已 Anyway,time's just a construct!
从凌晨两点变成了凌晨三点 It used to be 2:00 A.M., now it's 3:00 A.M.
虽然我们同意被制约在规则下 We all agree to live by these rules,
但是这些规定都是从哪里来的 what are they even come from?
每个人都说你要穿衣服 Everyone says you have to wear clothes
不能只穿着内裤就跑去工作 You can't just go to work in your underwear
除非你是救生员 except if you're a life guard.
而且我们只能吃一部分动物 And we're allowed to eat some animals,
不能吃可以作为宠物的动物 but not the kind you keep as pets.
同时你也不能吃人 And you're never allowed to eat humans.
即使你也不能把人作为宠物 But you also can't keep them as pets!
那还能怎么办 What are you supposed to do with them?
而且，我得说 Also, at this point, I feel like I should tell you,
我感冒了 I'm on a lot of cold medication.
我这周末感冒非常严重 I caught something bad over the weekend.
你们猜要怎样才能好起来 And you know what would have helped?
周末多睡一个小时 An extra hour of sleep on Sunday
这才会有帮助 That would have been great!
你们猜怎样才能让我们大家都好受一点吗 But you know what'll make me feel better?
今晚的今夜秀时间再长一个小时 An extra hour of great show tonight.
首先 First,
妈咪妈咪哄 magic!
首先，我会和HBO“上周秀”的主持人互动 First, I'll be sitting down with the host of HBO's "last week tonight",
那就是我们的老朋友——囧橄榄 our old friend John Oliver. Everybody.
然后，我会和世界排名第一的高尔夫运动员聊天 Then, I'll be talking with the number one ranked golfer in the world,
他卫冕成功 the defending masters champion,
他就是 乔丹·斯皮尔 Jordan Spieth.
然后我们欣赏新秩序乐队的音乐 And we'll have music by NewOrder.
说到音乐 Speaking of music,
这是我们的朋友 乔·巴蒂斯特 还有做人乐队 That's our friend Jon Batiste and Stay Human.
大家打个招呼 Say hi, everybody.
他们打算现在就开始，但是在此之前还有一件事 They are about to get us started right, but before they do, one more thing,
几百万的的Digiorno披萨被召回 Millions of Digiorno pizzas have been recalled
因为顾客在食品中发现了玻璃碎片 after customers found pieces of glass in their food.
这个是跑不掉的 It's not delivery
会有一场官司 It's a lawsuit.