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[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
DALLAS: Let's fucking get it on right now. Let's go.
Come on. Come on.
Here. Here.
Now, I want to go over a few rules with y'all tonight.
Ain't that all right? Don't worry about it. Rule number one.
This is the “What can you touch and not touch" rules.
Can you touch this?
No, no, no.
Second touch.
Can you touch this?
No, no, no.
And finally...
[WOMEN WHOOPING]
Last one, ladies. Can you touch this?
Can you ever touch this?
Well, that's who the law says that you cannot touch.
[WOMEN GROAN]
But I think I see a lot of lawbreakers up in this house tonight.
[AUDIENCE WHOOPING AND CHEERING]
And I don't see a cop in sight.
All right?
Oh.
[SNIFFS]
[TRIMMER WHIRRING]
You know, I gotta go commando today because someone...
...ripped off my favorite pair of panties last night.
[CHUCKLES]
- Hey. It's not funny. - Heh, oh, sorry, heh.
- They were my grandma's. - They were not your grandma's.
They could have been.
Can you throw me, uh, that shirt right there?
Hey, what are we gonna do about her?
MIKE [WHISPERING]: I don't know.
What was her name again?
What? I don't--
I'm sorry. What's her name?
[WHISPERS] Uh.
You don't even know.
- I do. - You found her. You have to remember her.
- I know her name. - What is it, then?
It's...
[SHOUTS] Penelope.
[MIKE CHUCKLES]
Whatever her name was, she was fun.
JOANNA: That's a cool table. Where'd you get it?
MIKE: That's just some old shit that blew up on a beach after the last hurricane.
- You made that? - Hmm?
You should sell these things.
Tsk, thank you. That's actually the idea. Mike's Custom Furniture Concepts.
But the market hasn't really hit the sweet spot yet.
Hm, I'm waiting for the bank to make the competitive loans I'm looking for...
...and then I'll swoop in.
Cool.
I'm going to get out of here. You guys are good?
What? You're just gonna leave us?
Yeah. What, are you gonna steal a bunch of my shit or something?
Probably. That's what strangers do.
- Don't do that...maybe? - Okay.
MIKE: Okay. - Okay.
So I'm going to see you again?
Tsk, uh, yeah, probably. I don't know. I'll, uh, call you.
Bye.
MIKE: Where's George and the guys?
SAL: They fucked me and took another gig last minute. So I got these guys.
MIKE: Where'd you get them?
Uh, you know, ah, industry referrals.
MIKE: My dick. You got them off Craigslist? SAL: Heh.
I can't have fucking union guys around here...
...barking about benefits and shit. Give me a break.
So, what am I supposed to do in there?
- Hey, you Sol? Sal. Adam. - Sal.
Oh, Adam, how you doing? This is Mike. You guys are gonna be working together.
Give me a minute? I want to straighten something out there.
You can hop up there.
- You gotta be fucking kidding me. - What?
He's wearing fucking tennis shoes. He doesn't know--
Ah, heh, do me a favor, go up there and do it for 14 bucks an hour.
I'm gonna do it for 20 bucks an hour.
[SAL SIGHS]
- I'll give you 18. - Mm-mm.
Don't fuck with me. You're like my son.
The son which you're gonna pay $20 an hour.
MIKE: What's up?
You ever, uh, tiled a roof before?
- No. - Fuck.
How'd you get this job, anyways?
Craigslist.
And you put on your post that you'd tiled houses before?
Yeah.
Right, ugh.
So, what do you got in your bag?
[CLEARS THROAT]
SAL: Why don't you open it up? ADAM: There's nothing in it.
Why don't you open the fucking bag before I open your fucking head up?
I got a nice ham, cheese sandwich...
You know how to read, huh?
One Pepsi a day. Read the cooler.
I'm gonna do my inventory. If I come up short, I'm coming right to you.
[CAR ALARM CHIRPING]
Is it dead?
ADAM: What's that?
I can try to jump you off if you want, but it's not the battery.
I think you're probably fucked.
MIKE: Just tell them if they want to get into this...
...be up there. I'll see you at the Amp. All right. Later.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO]
What are you doing? Stop. What the fuck are you doing, man?
[MIKE SIGHS]
Sorry
It's new. It's gonna stay new if you don't rip off the damn plastic.
ADAM: Why do you have that?
Because it protects it. I'm going to rip it off when I'm ready to sell it.
It'll be like brand-new.
Where are you from?
Citrus Springs.
Did you play ball?
ADAM: Uh, yeah. Strong safety.
You don't look like a strong safety.
I gave that, uh, college thing the college try. Didn't quite work out.
Couldn't resist the lure of the roofing business?
Yeah, that and the lure of my sister's couch.
ADAM: Can you do me a favor and drop me off at my car tonight?
BROOKE: No, I'm sorry. I'm going to dinner.
I can take you tomorrow morning, though. What time do you have to be at work?
I need to talk to you about that, heh. The foreman, uh...
...he accused me of stealing. So I fucking quit.
- What? - Yeah, but I have...
Well, I had that interview at T-Mobile.
So, uh, yeah. They asked me to wear a fucking tie.
You know how I feel about wearing a fucking tie.
Why don't you just wear a tie?
Sorry. You know what my rules are.
BROOKE: Oh, God, brother.
[BROOKE SIGHS]
What? I also...
[SNIFFS]
...could do...
[MUMBLES]
- What? - What?
- What did you say? - What did you hear?
You're doing that thing. You're doing that game.
- What game? - No. You do that all the time.
It's not working anymore.
- Talking about games, I could be a gamer. - Oh, yeah.
- And I could sell it to people. - You'll make so much money.
- I could be the voice of the game. - Even more money.
I have a very good voice. I do great impressions.
You do do good impressions. What was the one you did last night?
- I'm not going to do it now. - Heh, do it again. Do it again.
- No. - Come on.
[IMITATING ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER] Listen to me.
[BROOKE LAUGHING]
These are my tortillas.
Get in the chopper. John Connor, come with me.
- Argh! - Okay. All right.
In case that doesn't work out, why don't you come to dinner with me...
...and Paul tonight?
You can ask him if any of his friends have any job openings.
PAUL: But sometimes people want to, you know...
...they think they're owed a lot more than, uh, they deserve. So too bad. Bummer.
Uh, but, uh, you know, whatever. Sucks.
I just don't have to be the guy that tells them, uh, you know...
...that they're, uh, not going to be able to rebuild their houses. Um, anyway...
Uh, let's talk about something else, you know.
You're right. I'm sick of talking about Medicaid...
...and processing insurance forms as well. I get it.
PAUL: Right. - I get it.
Right. I mean, it's slightly different when you're doing Medicaid claims...
...and when you're doing huge property damage claims...
-...but I guess it's a similar kind of thing. - Yeah.
Oh, wait, wait.
- Remember what I said? - Hmm, I'm so sorry.
I just can't drive tonight. I've been driving all weekend.
I'm sorry.
- No worries. - I just forgot.
Someone will finish it, I think.
- There you go. There's a taker. ADAM: I will.
- Tsk. - Good?
Where are you going?
[ALL CHATTERING]
Uh, hey, do you know who's spinning tonight?
Heh, uh...
- No. Sorry. - All right.
[GIRL CHUCKLES]
Hey, Mike.
Mike.
Sorry, bro.
Hey, Mike.
- Hey, man. MIKE: Yo.
- Heh, what's going on? - What's going on, bro?
- Are you going in? - Yeah, we're going.
Can I come with you?
Uh...
Pfft, dude, they're never gonna let you in like that.
Come on. I'd do anything.
Heh, it's not my fault. I'm just saying they're not gonna do it.
I would do it, but-- I don't think they're going to do it, bro.
All right.
All right?
Fuck. Okay, dude. Hey.
Um...
You're going to owe me.
- I promise, man-- - I mean, owe me.
No questions asked, owe me.
Anything
Take your hood off. Try to look a little more-- Tuck your fucking shirt in.
You got to not wear tennis shoes, bro.
George, dude, I got one. I'm sorry. I know, I know.
Thanks, bro. I owe you.
ADAM: Sorry, man. These are the only shoes I got.
[POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKER]
Hey, baby, mwah. Can we borrow one of these?
Thank you. Grab one.
ADAM: Is it free?
Don't worry, man, you're gonna earn your keep.
So I got us a new recruit.
Ladies, meet the Kid. Portia, Ruby.
GIRLS: Hey.
ADAM: Heh, hey.
What are we thinking? Yes, no, maybe?
- Oh, yeah. The cougars will eat him up. - Yeah?
That's a quality endorsement, my friend.
What do you guys do?
[GIRLS CHUCKLE]
- What? - Come here. Come here.
Any time a girl tells you her name starts with a ﬂower...
...a car or a stone, don't bother asking what she does.
You know what I'm saying?
All right, I ain't got that much time, so I'm calling in my favor, all right?
Okay.
You see the girl with the tiara thing and the sash?
[GIRLS TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
ADAM: Yeah. MIKE: Go talk to her.
What do you want me to say?
I don't care. Have you never talked to a girl before? Just go talk to her.
Be creative.
She does not look like she wants to be bothered.
Look at what she's wearing. She came here tonight to be bothered.
Go bother her. You want to be inside or outside?
Inside.
I'll come save you in a minute. Get out of here.
I'm getting wasted tonight if we could get a drink.
GIRL: I know.
She's, like, ignoring the whole side of this bar.
- Hey. - Hey, Carla.
Um, oh...
Yo, man. Watch out, you're going to knock my girlfriend.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, what the fuck are you gonna do?
- Uh, hi. Do I know you'? - Hi.
Uh, no. I'm, uh...
I didn't know that I had a boyfriend, but thank you for that.
Um, all the guys here are fucking obnoxious.
- Thanks for that. - Heh.
Who do we have to fuck to get a fucking drink?
Uh, me, please?
- You'd like that, wouldn't you? - Uh, yes, I would.
We've been standing around here for quite a while, and I'm 21.
- It's true. - And I can't get drunk.
- You're 21? - Yes.
Happy 21st. I'd buy you guys a shot if I--
- Don't worry about it. - It's fine.
Oh, Adam.
- Hi. - Hi.
- I'm Liz. Hi. - Hi, Liz.
What do you say, baby boy? You want one?
I can't find anybody to take these. Y'all want them?
- Perfect. We can't drink them all ourselves. - Whoo.
Uh, here's to, um, our children. May they have rich fucking parents, heh.
Heh, absolutely.
[COUGHS]
MIKE: Yes. Okay. - Whoo.
- What, you guys go to USF? - Yeah.
- Mm-hm. - So it's summer break, correct?
- That's right. - Whoo.
And if I'm not mistaken, that says "21 right?
I am 21, yes.
- Then why the fuck isn't she throwing up? - Whoo.
- We can't get drinks. LIZ: Ha, ha.
You can't get drinks? That's no excuse. That's a bad friend you got.
I'm not a bad friend.
- You are a bad friend. - I'm trying.
CARLA: You are a bad friend.
See? You heard it from her. I'm just saying.
- What are you guys planning on doing tonight? - Ha, ha.
Wouldn't you like to know?
MIKE: Actually, I would, to be totally honest. - Ha, ha.
If you like to get a wee bit crazy, why don't you come down and see the show?
CARLA: Are you serious? Wow. MIKE: As a fucking heart attack.
We have a lot of friends here. Can they come too?
MIKE: How many? CARLA: Eight or nine?
MIKE: That's perfect, actually.
Hand them these. Tell them they get in free at the door.
Okay. Maybe we'll come.
No. That's not a commitment.
Maybe we'll come, if your little friend here comes too.
ADAM: Me? - Oh, "little friend."
That's an easy if, because he will be there.
- He's absolutely gonna be there. - I will?
LIZ: Then we'll be there too.
All right. The show starts in 45 minutes. You can make it in 45 minutes?
- You're going to come. You swear? - Yeah, we promise.
ADAM: Dude. You're a fucking stripper? MIKE: Ha-ha-ha.
I swear, I thought you were going to shit the bed, but you, heh, actually did it.
Ah, I feel like I owe you. I can throw you 100 bucks...
...tip you out at the end of the night...
...if you really want to host. ADAM: Host what?
MIKE: Yeah. No, for sure.
- I hope you're ready for this shit. - Ha, ha.
[WOMEN WHOOPING]
WOMAN: Who's your friend, Mike?
[WOMEN LAUGHING]
MIKE: This is the owner. Jesus. DALLAS: Whoo.
Fucking Valhalla shit, man, mwah.
You see that shit, Mike?
Chicks are gonna go fucking crazy over this, man.
I'm thinking of giving this routine to Tarzan, unless you want it.
MIKE: No. It's not my style, but, uh, somebody should do it. It's cool.
- Oh, it's fucking really good, heh. MIKE: Mm-hm.
Ah, who's this?
This is the Kid. Uh, he wrangled, like, nine sorority girls for us tonight...
...so I figured he could help out around here tonight.
DALLAS: How old are you?
- Uh, nineteen. DALLAS: Nineteen.
- The fuck am I supposed to do with that? MIKE: Oh, come on. He don't look 19.
I can't have him host.
Can't have a 19-year-old on the fucking street.
Then he can do props, can't he?
- I can do anything. - We're setting up our own shit as it is.
All right. Props.
You're on props tonight.
Do whatever Mikey tells you, any of the guys tell you.
Clean the fucking toilets, whatever.
Tonight. And listen up.
- This is not a fucking joke. - Heh.
DALLAS: All right? It's not a fucking hobby. This is a serious business I'm running.
So the last thing I need is a teenage liability fucking my future up.
- Don't try it. Yeah. DALLAS: Capiche?
TARZAN: One thing about Waffle House pussy is you got to worry about the teeth.
Waffle House pussy? I hate Waffle House pussy, heh.
[ALL CHUCKLING]
Everybody, this is the Kid. Y'all can thank me later.
He's going to help us out tonight.
This is Big Dick Richie, Ken, Tito and Tarzan.
TARZAN: Whoa, I get it.
Just tell him what props you need. I'll help him set them up later.
And, uh, yeah. Have fun. Make yourself at home, Kid.
There you go, bro.
[MEN GIBBERING]
- No, thanks, man. - No?
- No. I'm good. - Suit yourself.
You handed it to me like the Hindenburg.
- How long you been on the force? - What?
The police. How long you been a cop?
I'm not a cop, man.
RICHIE: Ha, ha, just fucking with you. Sit down.
Come on, man, sit down.
[SIGHS]
TARZAN: So how do you know Mike?
Uh, ahem.
We, uh, worked together on construction.
[KEN AND TITO TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
What kind of cash you make at that?
You all right, man?
What kind of cash you make?
Like 10 bucks an hour.
Under the table?
Yeah.
Hmm, not bad.
So you're here to help us out?
Yes, I am.
All right, so we got your first little piece of business...bam.
That look ashy to you?
- What's that, man? - That look ashy?
Heads up.
Just give it a little-- Just a little spray on that calf there.
Oh, come on.
Come on.
Dude, I don't want to spray your leg.
Just do it.
We all had to do it, man.
It's like the initiation. Lord of the Flies. Come on.
Come on, Kid. It's all right.
We'll tip you out good at the end of the night. You'll be a happy man.
- Uh. - Make sure you massage it in good.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
[TARZAN CHUCKLES]
He fucking did it too.
[ALL CHUCKLE]
Oh, you're all right, man. You're all right.
DALLAS: Take this front-row table right here, ladies.
You got your ID on you?
You got your ID? Heh. You're not drinking a Shirley Temple tonight, are you?
No. We've already had a few drinks, so...
No Roy Rogers, no Shirley Temples. Y'all have a great time.
We do a group act first, then we do our solos, then we do hot seats.
If everything goes well and we get these girls jacked up...
...then we jack up the price of the hot seats, so don't fuck it up.
Dude, it's easy. All you got to do is hand us...
...our props before we go out on-stage.
All right? That's it. That's all you got to do.
You bring out whatever props and everything-- There he is.
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
This is Tobias. He is our resident DJ.
Tobias, the Kid. He's gonna be the one...
...giving you the cue before each act.
- Pre-game. That's what I'm talking about. - It's the love potion.
- What is this? Strawberry? - What is that?
It's a little mixture. In, uh, Miami, we call it Hey Juice.
Hey Juice. Because if you drink the whole bottle, "Hey." You'll like it, man.
[MIKE COUGHS]
Give it a sample.
You can't drink, so you want half a cap?
[ADAM STAMMERS]
ADAM: I don't know what the fuck it is.
MIKE: It's just G. It's basically like getting drunk without all the calories.
- All right. - You sure?
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
DALLAS: All right, all right, all right.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
DALLAS: Whoo!
Yeah.
How are we feeling tonight, ladies? Let me hear it one more time. Come on.
It's gonna rain. Rain gonna come down and cleanse our soul and wash away the ash.
So get out your purses and get ready to spend some motherfucking cash.
Welcome to the stage, the one, the only...
...the Cock-rocking Kings of Tampa.
[THE WEATHER GIRLS' "IT'S RAINING MEN" PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
[WOMEN CHEERING]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[DRUMBEAT]
Ooh, aah. Ooh, aah.
Ooh, aah.
[YELLS]
DALLAS: Tarzan.
[TARZAN WHOOPING]
Tarzan?
DALLAS: Where the fuck is he?
[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
DALLAS: Motherfucker. What the fuck, man? Tarzan.
Fuck, man.
Motherfucker. How many fucking times, huh?
[DALLAS SIGHS]
Ken, S&M routine. You up on that? Can you do that?
I'm not putting that out there. Negative energy.
Not putting what out there?
The negative energy. It's bad. It comes back.
You're kidding me.
Richie, the, uh, fire-breathing gig, huh? You up for that?
No. I got the fire-phobia issue.
[SIGHS]
Tito. Anything, man. South of the border fucking shit...
...you've been doing at home.
I'm working on something, but it's not ready yet. It's not ready.
All right.
We got to do something. Mikey, what you got?
- I just came off-stage. I can't. - An idea. Give me something.
- You go out then. - I'm not hitting the fucking floor. Come on.
- You want me to come up with something? - Fuck, yeah.
I hope you can dance. You still owe me. Come on.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[BOTH WHOOPING]
MIKE: Just start taking your clothes off. Walk out there.
What are you looking at Dallas for? Don't. Look at them.
[MADONNA'S "LIKE A VIRGIN" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
MIKE: Just start, bro.
Yeah, perfect, perfect. Go, go, go.
There you go.
[AUDIENCE SCREAMING AND CHEERING]
Whoo!
All right, all right, all right.
Let's give it up for the Kid. Popped his cherry on-stage tonight.
You know what time it is. It's time for the hot seat.
You know what that means, the orgy's over, ladies.
Time for some one-on-one time with the man of your dreams.
- Five dollars a pop. - Come here.
That's good. Welcome to the crazy club, Kid.
DALLAS: Come on. Everybody. Line up, line up, line up.
RICHIE: Yeah, man. Whose big dick is that?
TITO: Whoo.
MIKE: I love it. TITO: Hey, where's the Kid? Kid. Kid.
MIKE: Look at this saggy underwearing, all-star right here.
Go buy yourself fresh drawers.
He put that kiss on her and pouring money out of their hands.
DALLAS: Aaah!
Never kiss the girls, Kid. That's Performer 101.
You gotta watch out for herpes.
That too.
But tonight you took a chance and it paid off. I like that.
Fucking worked.
I got you your money.
That ain't my money, big boy. That's your money.
Every man keeps every dollar he makes on that stage.
Plus the 50 that I owe you. All right?
Look, get ready to work, big boy. It ain't gonna be that easy every time.
- Yes, sir. - Fucking worked, whoo!
MIKE: Ho!
DALLAS: Ken, nice fucking robot.
Mike lays it out. Tito bringing in the south side with some brown skin.
Big Dick, they are still devastated by your cock.
RICHIE: It was like 25 percent dancing, 50 percent marketing.
- What--? - Eh, Mike sold it up real nice.
How about you're forgetting 25 percent more genius?
- Genius, Kid. - How we do tonight, Mikey?
Uh, it's a little under $2500. Uh, that's 400 better than last week.
That'll work.
- And my, uh, cut of the door. - Yes, sir.
That was dangerous shit you pulled tonight...
...throwing that kid out on the plank like that.
[MIKE CHUCKLES]
It worked though, didn't it?
Shit. I didn't know if it was, till he hit the floor.
[INDISTINCT DIALOGUE]
MIKE: He pulled it out. DALLAS: Yeah. What's his story?
I don't know. I mean, I met him at the site today.
Ran into him at Ybor. Those two little pretty ones over there...
...were all hot and bothered, so I figured I'd bring him along.
It was a good move, heh.
He may have something, brother. He's young, good-looking...
- He can't dance for shit. - Cannot dance for shit, that is teachable.
We could use some more youth on the team.
Why don't you bring him to practice tomorrow and we'll see what he's got?
So, what the fuck is going on with Miami?
Miami, ah, is looking good.
I got a couple loopholes I got to get through...
...with the, uh, real-estate attorneys.
But after that it's gonna be all green lights.
- What you need from me? What's my side? - Just keep doing what you're doing.
I love where your head's at. You're focused.
You're like a big brother to this team.
Keep that up, you could be making a lot more than door money.
I guarantee you that.
Both ways this time, though, right?
- Two-way street. - I want to hear you say the word: Equity.
DALLAS: E-Q-... - Say it.
DALLAS: ...-U-I-T-Y. - Say it.
[INDISTINCT DIALOGUE]
[GASPS]
[MIKE LAUGHS]
[ADAM COUGHS]
ADAM: Oh.
- Hey, Mike. - Huh?
I think, uh...
I think we should be best friends.
Okay, heh.
Let's go, heh.
MIKE: So how pregnant did you get that girl's mouth?
ADAM: Uh, wet? Heh.
Fucking great.
Good morning.
ADAM: Hi, sis. - Hi.
- Brooke, this is Mike, uh... - Oh, thank you. Mike, this is Brooke.
- Brooke. Absolute pleasure. Hi. - Mike.
MIKE: Are you a nurse?
I'm a medical assistant. I process nurses' paperwork.
MIKE: Way cooler.
Sure. Sure.
Oh, nice, dude. Is this one of those retro Wakefield, or is this a Russel Wright?
Oh, it's a knock-off. That's cool, though. Where did you get this?
Uh, apparently the knock-off place.
MIKE: Heh, right.
- So how do you know my brother? MIKE: Uh, he's on my roofing crew.
But I'm, uh, an entrepreneur, though. I, uh, manage a few businesses.
Sure.
Sure, cool. Cool.
So the Kid said something about breakfast.
Uh, well, he must be fucking drunk because I don't cook no fucking breakfast.
I wasn't talking about you cooking it. He just said you like breakfast food.
We were going to swing by IHOP on the way--
Okay uh, good talk.
Um, I'll be outside with the rest of the breakfast lovers of the world.
[CHUCKLES]
All right, Kid.
DALLAS: Virgin dance the other night. No more.
You only have a cherry pop one time.
Now look, you walked out on-stage, you looked like shit, all right?
When I saw something is when you got off-stage.
Pulled a one-on-one with that chick.
I'll show you what you're gonna do. Now, let's go to the basics.
Take your clothes off.
- Right now? - Right now. Take them off.
Every fucking one of them. Let's go.
Let's go. Take them off.
- Heh. - Hang on. What the fuck are you doing?
Heh, what are you, a 12-year-old in the locker room?
No.
- Then what are you doing? - Heh, taking off my clothes.
You're taking off your clothes like a 12-year-old.
But you're not a 12-year-old in the locker room. You are the man.
On the stage. Thousands of women.
Eyes on you. You are their vision. So, what do you do?
You don't just fucking throw your clothes off. You fucking make it count, baby.
You walk out. You own it.
You look around. You tease.
You seduce.
Clock eyes, but don't lock in on any of them.
You got to believe that you are inside every single one of them.
And when the time's right, then you'll know it.
Foom!
Stick it. That right there is like hitting the G-spot, every single time.
Now get up there, move around.
You see, baby, you're not just stripping.
You are fulfilling every woman's wildest fantasies. All right?
You are the husband that they never had.
You are that dreamboat guy that never came along.
You are the one-night stand, that free fling of a fuck...
...they get to have, tonight, with you on-stage, still go home to their hubby...
...and not get in trouble...
...because you, baby, you made it legal. You are the liberation.
Own it. Who's got the cock? You do, they don't.
Get right here. Move slow. Around.
Fucking concentrate.
Round, round, round. Make this shit count.
Ain't time for a fucking fag joke in here, boy. I'm talking about money.
Move around, round, round. Get the movements. Breathe.
All right. Easy, rattlesnake.
On three, you're going to stick it.
One, two, three, stick.
That's the hook, baby. That's the fucking hook.
That's what I'm talking about. All right?
[ADAM EXHALES]
You can do this, because I know you can.
- I can do it. - Now, take a breath.
[ADAM EXHALES]
Fuck that mirror like you mean it.
MIKE: "All right, all right, all right
Heh, we got the Kid coming up on the main stage." Hi, Beatrice.
Are you ready? Dallas gave me the go-ahead on getting you suited up. You ready?
Yeah.
Why do you look scared for?
You already lost your virginity. All you got to do now is get good at it.
We got to get you an American flag Star-Spangled Banner...
...for Fourth of July summertime.
Dude. This has no back.
MIKE: Yeah. That's the point. It's a thong.
What the fuck is this?
[SQUEAKS]
Stay away from the elephant socks, bro. That's Dallas shit.
You don't want to look like him, do you?
What's Dallas's deal, man? Is he, uh, a good guy?
MIKE: Yeah. Dallas is... Dallas is Dallas.
I mean, it's pretty cool that he let me in.
MIKE: Yeah. It's cool that he let you in.
Look, we think you got something.
I'm not exactly sure what that is just yet...
...but, uh, all we know is you got a lot of work to do. So don't quit your day job yet.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
BROOKE: Adam.
- Get out here. I need to talk to you. - What do you want?
BROOKE: I want to talk to you, man. Get the fuck out.
- Get out, Adam. - I'll be out in a minute, please. One sec.
BROOKE: Adam, I need to fucking talk to you.
What about?
Um, About this box. I need to talk to you about this box...
[WHISPERS] Oh, fuck me.
...of boots and thongs and sailor hats and tube socks. And I am fucking--
It's for work.
BROOKE: For work? Adam, don't fucking lie to me, man.
I'm your sister. I love you. I don't judge you.
You're my brother. Just please come out here so I can talk to you.
I don't care what your preferences are.
- Preferences? BROOKE: I just want to talk to you about--
Whoa, hey.
It is not what it looks like.
BROOKE: Is that my razor?
Yeah.
Are you shaving your fucking legs?
Yeah, I'm shaving my legs.
Why are you shaving your legs?
It's for work. Okay?
What do you mean, it's for work? How could it possibly be for work?
[MEN HUMMING]
[HOOFBEATS APPROACHING]
[HORSES NEIGH]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[NATIVE AMERICAN THEMES PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[GUNSHOTS OVER SPEAKERS]
[BIG & RICH'S "SAVE A HORSE (RIDE A COWBOY)" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Ma'am, excuse me. You're going to have to move it down.
This is the breakfast lovers' section. Here we go.
Hi, Mike.
- Hi. - Hi.
Entrepreneur/stripper? Stripper/entrepreneur?
Either one. It's fine.
You really just came down to see little brother?
No, I was hoping this was all a joke.
It is pretty funny.
You better take care of him, Mike.
Okay, Mom.
I'll take care of him. You should stick around, though.
DALLAS: All right, all right. Let's give it up for the Kid, huh?
Bang. A six-shooter for you. There we go.
This next performer who's coming out...
...he's one of a kind, ladies.
[ALL SCREAMING]
I saw this young man walking down the street about six years ago...
...and I knew when I saw him, I just knew I had to bring him in.
Bring him in and have his talents be shown to the universe.
And tonight, he's going to be right here on this stage...
...so you can see with your very own eyes.
Our feature presentation, the one and only...
...the star of the show, Mr. Magic Mike.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[GINUWINE'S "PONY" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
Did you see your sister tonight?
ADAM: See my sister? What do you mean? - Yeah.
Your sister was there.
No, she wasn't.
Yeah, she was there during your act.
You talked to my sister?
I talked to your sister as you were dry-humping a girl, yes.
My sister saw me dance?
Heh, yeah, we were actually laughing. I had a pretty good laugh about it.
- Oh, heh, wow. Fuck. - Ha, ha.
She did not look happy. Did you tell her to come?
I told her. I didn't think she'd fucking come. Jeez.
Well, she did. I don't know how long she stayed for, but it was, uh...
- She, ha, ha, looked pissed. - Ha, ha, oof.
How much money did you make tonight?
- How much money? - Yeah.
Like 230.
Two-thirty? That's good, man.
Oh, by the way, I got this for you. Uh, just for gas and shit.
- Get the-- - Ha, ha.
Are you kidding me? Keep your money. It's fine.
- You drive me around. - I can pay for my own gas.
It's fine. Thank you, though. It was a really sweet gesture. I appreciate it.
Thank you.
MIKE: That's a beautiful necklace.
- Is that vintage? - Oh, I, um...
No, it's... No, it's, heh...
My sister got it for me, ha, ha from Target, I think.
Um, tsk, SBA, yes, uh...
Name and Social.
Absolutely. Michael Lane.
038-00-7128. And I, uh...
...brought the funds for my down payment.
- Yes. Yeah, heh. - Heh.
Okay.
All right.
We seem to have a credit issue, Mr. Lane. Your score is--
Right. I, uh, actually...
-...heh, I talked to Mr. Rodriguez last week. - Oh.
As I was explaining to him, the businesses that I manage deal exclusively in cash.
He said you would forego the credit check if I brought in a healthy down payment.
It should be noted in there. He said he was going to put it in.
Absolutely.
Um, you are currently the manager of an automotive accessories business?
Mm-hm, absolutely. And an event-management company, a roofing firm, heh.
Honestly, the list goes on.
- Wow, you're a busy guy. - Ha, ha. Yeah.
Lucky to be.
So, what kind of rates am I looking at?
There are ways to clear these credit issues up over time, but--
Oh, my God, I haven't even told you, heh, what I'm here for. I really apologize.
This is what I do.
Right here. Michael Lane Custom Furniture Concepts.
It's competitive pricing. Low overhead.
I mean, really, who wants to buy that crap when it falls apart in a year...
...when you can get hand-crafted furniture for a bargain?
- You know what I mean? - Yeah.
Unfortunately, Mr. Lane, my hands are tied.
The company has a policy that we cannot issue loans...
...to clients who score below our credit threshold.
I can absolutely understand where you're coming from.
Uh, you know, you hit buttons and you think that you know something about me.
I get it. That's okay. It's okay.
All, uh, I'm asking for is a good deal.
Please, can you help me with that?
I mean, we do offer relief programs...
...for our qualified distressed clients, so that--
I'm sorry. What?
It's a relief program, so--
Distressed? I'm distressed?
WOMAN: No. No, not like that. - Heh.
Sweetheart, listen. It's okay. It's fine. Does this look distressed?
I don't think so, one. Two, I read the papers, okay?
The only thing's that distressed is y'all.
[DOOR BELL RINGING]
[BROOKE SIGHS]
BROOKE: You can't get the door?
[SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" AS MARILYN MONROE]
Happy birthday
Mrs. Pres--
[TOOTS HORN]
BROOKE: Oh.
Adam, it's for you.
Happy, heh, Birthday, heh, pfft.
Ha, ha. Come on. Let's go. Sandbar party.
Fourth of July, nuts-on-your-head wake-up call, let's go. Come on.
No, no, no. You are coming too. Don't even try.
I'm going to go to bed. It's 7 in the morning.
"Oh, it's 7 in the morning. I hate fun."
Jesus Christ, you better have some epic plans...
...if you're gonna turn your back on a sandbar party.
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