FANFARE
Hello everybody.
Are you all right?
I've come dressed for the occasion.
God bless you, everybody. Absolutely fantastic.
Look at them people down there!
That's amazing.
Look at me, here.
Right, let's keep the party going.
Right, this is for the royal family, this.
Everybody clap along.
MUSIC: We Are Family by Sister Sledge
To the beat. To the beat.
That's your best bet here.
Clap along to the beat.
Try it again, shall we?
MUSIC STARTS AGAIN
No, watch my foot, it's a giveaway.
Watch me foot.
MUSIC STARTS AGAIN
In a rush here?
That's it. Come on.
Come on!
# We are family... #
That's it, you got it!
# I got all my sisters with me
# We are family
# Get up everybody and sing... #
That killed a minute, didn't it? Anyway...
Given the seriousness of this crime, and the calculated nature
of the offence, any request for bail is denied.
And the accused will be remanded in custody,
until the trial date's set.
Take them down.
Custody?
What does he mean, custody?
Prison.
Prison?
Right, 422, you're in here.
Are we not in together, like?
It's not the Holiday Inn, son. Go on.
I'll see you later. Yeah.
423, you're in here.
I'm sure you two will get on.
Oh, hi there, I'm Cliff.
Of course you are.
What about when you eventually made it to the clubs,
I mean you did some stand-up there.
You must have got some wonderful characters there.
Yeah, there's some really good stories.
There were one about, I remember doing in Liverpool,
I were... Liverpool audiences are funny.
Sometimes funnier than the acts, you know, a lot of the time, because
they're dead quick, you know.
And I were doing this competition for new comedians,
and there were a guy in t'toilets collared me,
called Mick the Mimic.
And he... I know.
I think that were his stage name, I think.
AUDIENCE LAUGH
And he said... He said "I do impressions, I do impressions,"
he said "I'm on last, will you give me a big build up, like?"
But he come on, like, I went "Please welcome,
"he goes under the comedy name and he's here for doing impressions,
"Mick the Mimic" and they all went, about three people, you know.
And he come on, he said "Hello, you all right?"
Yeah, nothing, like that, just like that, you're doing great.
"See if you can guess who this is."
And he got this chair but it were like that,
with two glasses, a pint of water, and it got caught, right, microphone
where he pulled it, and that fell over and smashed and someone went,
"Stevie Wonder!"
"I've not done it yet, I've not done it yet. Not done it yet. Hang on.
Just took these glasses, these will do, look at that, eh?
Always thinking, always thinking.
He said, "So I said to the producer, I said, Ronnie, Ronnie,
"Ronnie, I said to the producer, I said Ronnie..."
Right, nothing.
OK, here's another one for ya.
That were Ronnie Corbett.
See if you can guess who this is.
One of Ireland's best.
"Hello.
Welcome to another Children In Need, it's been 12..."
Someone went "Oi, mate, do Wogan."
"I'm doing Wogan, I'm doing Wogan. This is Wogan.
"This is bloody Wogan".
MUSIC: The Millennium Prayer by Cliff Richard
# Our father who art in Heaven
# Hallowed be they name
# Thy kingdom come Thy will be done
# On Earth as in Heaven. #
Jesus wept!
You all right?
No. No, I'm not.
I can't stand another night with him.
Who?Hi guys, fancy a game of tennis?
Mixed doubles.
I've told you, we've no balls, Cliff.
That's OK, you can play with mine.
See you down there.
Ciao, guys.
Bloody hell, what's he in for?
Have you never heard Wired For Sound?
No, you've got to get me out of here, Max.
I can't stand another night of that Millennium Prayer.
HE WHISTLES It's all right.
Don't worry, I've already made a start. Just check the door.
I did this last night, while everyone was asleep.
What is it?
It's a tunnel.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, man, get a grip.
You're coming apart.
Where you tunnelling to? Next cell?
Oh, shit!
I tell you what, if you make a go of it on your own... Bollocks.
You make a go of it on your own two feet,
well... Do it again. Do it again.
Come on. You make... Come on, Jim.
You make a success of it on your two... BLEEP-inghell, Jim.
You make a success...
Come on! Stop it.
See, this is what it is, see. Sunshine indoors.
No, that's not, it doesn't go there, that bit.
That's not there, that bit. Not there at all.You say...
Peter's fault. Yeah.Right. Right. As long as we know. Yeah, OK. Right.
I tell you what it is, it's facilities.
It's about... Oh, BLEEP-inghell.
What am I doing after that?
Forget club land, come out here. All right.
Can I give you that again? Sorry, team. Stand by.
I'm going to get a jacuzzi.
I've got lifts all the way up to the top. Facilities...
PETER LAUGHS
What?
What's he laughing at now?
Lifts all it the way up to't top.
I've got a sauna, I've got a soralium,
I've got lifts that go right to the roof.
THEY LAUGH
That were just a back-up plan.
It's all right for you, you know.
A good-looking lad like me's a valuable commodity in here.
It's all right, I've seen a payphone.
What do you mean, it's all right for me?
When Paddy steps in them showers, those lads'll think it's Christmas
morning. They'll ride me like a Blackpool donkey.
Look, what we've got to do is let that lot think that me
and you are a couple of hard nuts.
Let them think we're a couple of big-time gangsters.
Come on, chest out, chin up.
We're doing a bit of bird, as per, me and you.
Tango and Cash, Bodie and Doyle, Magnet and Steele, eh?
What do you say?
I'm going to get bummed.
I'm telling you, there must be some way you can do that, Frank.
There must be a way, trust me. Frank?Er, Brian.
He thinks it's his do, he thinks it's his ballpark
but you're working him from behind, see?Ballpark?
Where did I get ballpark from?
What's that all that about? Pathetic.
Trust me, there must be somebody. Just trust me, Frank.
There's always a way.
Brian.BLEEP-inghell.
Oswell Hornby died last week. Did he?
Aye.
He choked on a cracker popper, Isle of Man.
BLEEP-ingJesus Christ.
Sorry...
Party.
BLEEP-ingnot even on and you can't read it.
There must be somebody. There's always a way.
Now, Frank... You think about it.
Frank! Brian!
Jesus Christ.
I had Cannon and Ball when they were funny.
Bloody hell, that's going back some years.I did, aye.
Oh, shit. Oh, bollocks.
I've got children's play area, I've got a...
Let me go again. BLEEPhell, Jim, get your head together.
I've got a bar, a bistro, a children's play area,
a sol...ara...
BLEEPhell.
A play room for the kids, I've got a sauna, a solarium... BLEEPit.
And when you make a success of it, pause, and when you make a success
of it on your two feet.
No, am I right?
You see, there must be somebody, trust me, Frank, there's...
Brian!Oh, for BLEEPsake.
PETER LAUGHS
Why do you keep looking in that pissing lens?
That's ten years of Bullseye's done that to you.
I'm not, I'm not looking, I'm not, am I?
Do you want it from the top, do you? No!
Chalky's the name.
First time inside. And the rest.
I've done more bird than Bill Oddie.
We run the show up north.
Control club land.
You never heard of the Phoenix twins?
Twins?
How long was the labour?
I'll never forget what happened to the last fella who made that remark.
What?I ate him.
Hey, watch yourself.
All right, Wally.
You know what today is, don't you?
Collection day. I have tried.
Well, you'll have to try harder won't you?
You don't want to let Raymond down, do you?
You've got until the end of the day.
Ooh, sponge cake, my favourite.
Me daughter made that!
Did she?
It's very nice.
Put the cake down, flower, and piss off.
Hold on.
I don't think you know...
You play with feathers you get your arse tickled.
This is Forever FM.
Hundreds of people are missing after an office building collapsed
in Mexico City.
Bloody hell fire, that's a bad do.
But it's feared many people are still trapped under the rubble.
Oh, God, imagine that.
At least you get to leave work early.
Don't be awful. Bloody hell!
Didn't you used to want that to happen when you were in school?
What, a landslide on't school? That your school would go on fire?
No.I did.
No, I did not.
Didn't you, that your school would be flooded over the weekend?
No, I didn't mind if it snowed and we were off school
but I didn't want it bloody burned down.
Oh, I did. Friggin' arsonist here.
Oh!Oh!
Ah, this is a good one. Thank the Lord. Stevie Winwood.
Come on!
# So wild standing there
# With the wind in her hair... #
Shower time. I'm dreading this.
Nice and steady.
Morning.
It's crap this soap. Is there no shower gel?
It's not the David Lloyd.
Oh, dear.
You better bend over and pick that up.
I've got you, I've got you.
Lovely.
I tink shower time's over.
Fair enough.
Not you two, though.
I'm Raymond.
Look, we don't want any trouble.
You should have thought of that before you wrapped a steel
tray round young Pepe's face.
It was him!
Was it?
Stunning, like a young Burt Reynolds.
# With the wind in her arms
# Valerie, call on me
# Call on me, Valerie... #
Are you making the Valerie bit up?What?
Are you making the Valerie bit up?
# I'm the same boy I used to be... #
Am I making the what bit up? Valerie bit.
It's called Valerie. I never knew that.
It's called Valerie. Stevie Winwood. Are you deaf?
# Valerie... # Shhhh, don't sing it.
# Call me Call on me... #
Now, now. # Valerie... #
Oh... I never knew that.
Really? No, seriously. Thick as pig shit.
Seriously.Valerie!
I just thought it was... # Call on me... #
Big finish now, Stevie. Ready?
# I'm the same boy I used to be. #
Deal with it.
Silly.
Hey, you two. What? You got a visitor.
Don't worry, boys! Don't worry, boys!
I'm here, I'm coming. I'm here, boys.
Oh, shit, it's Potter. Help is at hand!That's all we need.
Christ almighty, it's the Two Tops!
Are they doing a minstrel show in here?
Black as arseholes. Oh, I don't like this.
What's the craic here, son? I'm just a head.
It's a piss-take. I'm like a Chad.
What, no disabled facilities?
You've not catered for this, have you?
I can't hear you. What's the craic here, sunshine?
I can't hear 'em. Talk into the phone.
The phone? No change.
They're not the Krays.
I can't reach. Haven't you noticed, but I'm disabled, eh?
I can't get that. Come on. Thank you. Himmler.
How are you? What you doing here?
I've come get you out. That's what I've come to do.
Look at that. What's that?
Petition, I've 400 signatures there, going to have you out for Christmas.
It's August.
It's...
Sweet Jesus and Mary Chain, I'm not Perry pissing Mason.
I'm doing my best, eh?
That's all I can do.
Here, I've got a cake here for you,
Holy Mary's made this.
A cake?Yeah.
You know, a cake.
I know what a cake is, what do I want with a cake?
No, he means a "cake".
I know what you mean. You mean a "cake", don't you?
Yeah, that's right. A "cake".
Oh, a "cake". You mean a "cake".
And what's in this cake?
Sponge, and a bit of jam.
What do you want, son? It's real life, it's not the friggin' Shawshank Redemption.
Unbelievable.
Look, Brian, we appreciate all that you're doing,
but we're doing all right on our own.
All right? You're in prison.
Yeah, I know, Brian, but we're sorting things out ourselves,
and you doing all this, well,
it might jeopardise our chances of freedom.
Look, what I'm saying, just keep a low profile,
and don't do nothing.
Promise?
OK. If that's what you want.
Do you swear? Like a nun with Tourette's.
There's no British comedian ever cracked America.
I mean, not all of America.No.
You can do that east coast, and that's a different audience,
but the middle west, I mean, that's been a kind of area...
I've never been keen on America, though. I mean, I like... You know,
the only thing I like about it's when I'm over there
I feel practically bulimic, you know what I mean,
because honest to god, it's like -
Honestly, you think I'm fat,
it's like It's A Knockout out over there.
Honest to god.
And I did...
Yes.
I have performed.
I went to, I did a karaoke once.
I suppose it's not classed as stand-up. I did it in Las Vegas.
We went to Las Vegas, and there were a karaoke,
we had a night in digs. We stopped in this hotel, right.
Las Vegas, you know, it's an hotel. It's got a 12-lane bowling alley,
a two-screen cinema, casinos, ice cream parlour,
I thought, you know...
But we had a night in digs. That's my dad, that.
"Have a night in't digs." He always used to do that.
Whenever we went to a B&B somewhere,
we'd always have to have a night in't digs.
So we stopped in this hotel one night, and there were karaoke on,
and it was just, karaoke had just kind of kicked in
in America, all over't world really and everyone were loving it
and we were sitting in the corner,
I'd had a few Baileys, you know, and I were all relaxed on holiday,
but they were all singing bloody maudlin songs.
Like, this guy got up and sang -
and they really think they are who they are.
This guy got up and sang Hello by Lionel Richie
and he was singing it and...
# Been alone with you... # Then this other woman got up
and sang that one from't Bodyguard, Whitney Houston.Oh, yes.
And that were all... You know, which is...
And I'm thinking, "Come on, like, I'm on holiday here."
So I put my name down, I thought, "I'm going to get up."
I'd never done karaoke and I thought, "I'm going to get up..."
And, oh, this other guy, this other guy got up,
Hans from Germany, an air conditioning salesman.
And he got up, and he sang, he sang Sorry Seems To Be...
He even looked like Elton John.
He had the hair and everything and glasses and he's going...
# It's a sad, sad situation... #
I'm thinking, "Oh, I'll slit my wrists, you know."
So, next thing, "Next, we've got Peter in the corner's
"gonna get up and sing a song."
So I gets up. "Whereabouts in the United Kingdom are you from?"
"I'm from Bolton."
"You mean like Michael Bolton?"
"Yeah, whatever you want. Whatever."
Two words, Vietnam.
I thought, I'll give them a song here and they didn't have my -
the one I wanted, I thought I'll give them a British classic, right,
but they didn't have my backing track.
So I thought, "I'll have to do it Acapulco."
So, so...
So I thought, "I'll give it my best." I'd had a Baileys,
I thought, "Here we go." So I started, like, you know.
# The lovely beach and the sky... #
I'm not a singer.
# The moon of Hawaii
# The rum calypso sarong
# We'll all be singing this song
# Agadoo doo doo Push pineapple shake the tree
# Agadoo doo doo To the left, to the right
# Jump up... #
Oh, they loved it! They couldn't get enough of it,
the Americans, they were all up doing it. Never heard...
I did Superman!
# Go for a walk
# Let's see you swim Ski! #
They were all doing it in casinos.
Honest to God, I've opened it up for Black Lace over there.
They loved it. They loved it! Superman!
They had me on their shoulders, going round the room. Fantastic.
Put me down, it's only 7 o'clock!
Emmerdale's not started, what you doing?
Then Hans got up again and killed it stone dead,
got up and sang Candle In The Wind.
Talk about killing the atmosphere!
He gets up, I swear to God and what were worse is,
he sang, the words come up, "Goodbye Norma Jean,"
but he didn't sing that.
He sang the other version, the one about...
HE MOUTHS: Princess Diana.
Which is how my nan pronounces her.
HE MOUTHS: Princess Diana.
She can't say Princess Diana or lesbian.
HE MOUTHS: Princess Diana. Lesbian.
And he sung, but the words come up...
And this is like three weeks after we'd lost the Queen of Hearts.
And he got up, and honest to God...
# Goodbye English rose. #
Oh...
You could have heard a cockroach fart.
I swear to God.
Honest to God. Honest to God.
You could cut the atmosphere with a special atmosphere cutter.
Americans were crying!
Sobbing, they all stopped playing craps, they were stopping scooping
ice cream, there were nobody bowling.
The whole place went, because they love, they love her over there.
They've got her on fridge magnets and everything,
and they were proper crying.
Honest to God.
Blokes, cowboys, pint glasses look like egg cups,
eight foot tall, Stetsons off, sobbing.
# And it seems to me, you lived you life like a candle in ze vind
# Never knowing who to cling to when the fine rain set in... #
You know, that fine rain, soaks you through.
# And I would've... # Honest...
And it ended, he finished and he went, "That was a beautiful,
"beautiful, beautiful rendition of Candle In The Wind,
"I can't think of a more fitting tribute." I thought,
"What, than an air conditioning salesman from Dusseldorf?"
He said "I'd like to dedicate that song to Peter in the corner,
"from England. I'm sure he'll appreciate that
"more than anybody else in here tonight."
I'm like that.
Pat? It's me. How's it going? You...
Big Chris. Big Chris, yeah...
Listen, is Chippy Minton ex directory?
I'm thinking of doing something for Children In Need.
Yeah, I'm getting everybody together.
# Can you feel it?
# Can you feel it? Whoa!
# If you look around
# The whole world's
# Coming together now
# Every healthy smile
# Is hunger and strife
# To another child
# Now tell me!
# Can you feel it?
# All the children of the world
# Should be loving
# Each other wholeheartedly
# Yeah!
# Yes, it's all right
# Take my message to your brother
# And tell him twice
# Now tell me!
# Can you feel it?
# Can you feel it? Yeah! Come on!
# Can you feel it?
# If you wake up
# And don't want to smile
# Like, if it takes just
# A little while
# Open your eyes and look at the day
# You'll see things
# In a different way
# Don't stop
# Thinking about tomorrow
# Don't stop
# It'll soon be here
# It'll be better than before
# Yesterday's gone
GUITAR SOLO
# Jai Ho
# Don't you look back
# Jai Ho
# Don't you look back
# Jai Ho
# You are the reason that I breathe
# Jai Ho
# You are the reason that
# I still believe
# Jai Ho
# You are my destiny
# Jai Ho! Uh-uh-uh-oh!
# Jai Ho
# No there is nothing
# That can stop us
# Jai Ho
# Nothing can ever come between us
# Jai Ho
# So come and dance with me
# Jai Ho-o-o-o-o!
# I get knocked down
# But I get up again
# You're never gonna keep me down
# I get knocked down
# But I get up again
# You're never gonna keep me down
# I get knocked down
# But I get up again
# You're never gonna keep me down
# I get knocked down
# But I get up again
# You're never gonna keep me down
# Never forget where
# You've come here from
# Never pretend that it's all real
# Someday soon this will all be
# Someone else's dream
# This will be someone else's dream
# Na na na na-na-na-naa
# Na-na-na-naa, hey, Jude
# Na na na na-na-na-naa
# Na-na-na-naa, hey, Jude
# Jude-Jude, Judy-Judy-Judy Wow! Wow!
# Throw those curtains wide
# One day like this a year
# Would see me right
# Throw those curtains wide
# One day like this a year
# Would see me right
# Throw those curtains wide
# One day like this a year
# Would see me right
# Throw those curtains wide
# One day like this a year
# Would see me right. #
CHEERING
Chippy Minton, you made it!
We've just finished!
Yippee!
CHEERING