[woman] I felt like...
like you were...
you wanted to act like nothing happened and
everything was fine
and we had to pretend
we could get our life back.
But, actually, I...
I really suffered from what happened and,
and I think we shouldn't pretend that it's OK and...
and it hurts.
And I...
-[water trickling] -[soft music playing]
[woman voiceover] It's not like I want to be like this.
I don't want to be empty.
That's the problem though.
I was on full and wanted to be empty
and now I'm empty and I want to be full.
[man on phone] Hey.
I have a bunch of meetings today
so I won't be able to make our lunch
but I will make a reservation for tonight
and have Lucy send you the details.
OK?
Love you.
[woman voiceover] It's easier for you.
You laugh at the same things,
play racquetball with your friends.
You have a manageable, normal sadness.
I don't know how to forgive you for that.
Hey, Lucy, could you please call the restaurant
and change the reservation for four for tonight?
Great, thanks.
[woman voiceover] I never liked making long-term plans.
It felt like looking down at a road
and knowing what's at the end.
I used to be able to see the end of the road clearly.
Did my body simply reject that plan?
[Lucy] Is there anything else I can do for you?
Yes. Please, could you call down to the front desk
and let them know that my friend, Greg, is coming.
Just send them up.
Oh, never mind.
Hi. I'm Greg.
Hi, Greg, I'm Lucy.
Lucy.
Very nice to meet you.
Thank you, Lucy.
Has Marin seen her?
Yep.
Goodness.
I mean, the legs?
Everything about her.
Where'd you find her, on Eros?
I mean, seriously, how do you get any amount of work done
with that sitting 20 feet from your desk?
If Emily knew I had an assistant that looked like that,
-she'd kill me. -[chuckling]
Is she single?
Why do you care, you're married.
Yeah.
[camera snapping]
Ah!
So glad to see you.
I have to finish pulling a couple looks.
You can help me.
[Marin] That's pretty.
Yes.
So sexy.
God, I wanna come back as her in my next life.
What legs.
[Isabel] Jesus, so beautiful.
Oh, one second.
Hey, do you mind if I jump in real quick?
OK, looks fantastic.
Just want to...
Thank you.
You wanna try one on?
They look so real.
You'd look so good in that one.
Hey, do you have plans tonight?
I'm here all day but I'm hanging out with Sasha
and a few of her friends at a bar downtown.
Come with.
No, I have dinner with Mark.
But any other night, I'm OK.
Tomorrow, it's Francesca's birthday.
I know that you've heard me talk about her
and she's definitely heard me talk about you.
-Yeah, sure. -Excellent.
Ugh, I need a real night out.
Come on, you have real nights out
like every other night of the weak.
Oh, my God. [laughing]
Are you ready to laugh?
Uh-huh.
So, you remember that erotica book
I wanted you to read a few years ago?
You know,
my brain.
"The Story of the Eye."
You're gonna die.
So last night I go for drinks with this guy that
Daniella wanted to set me up with a while back.
He's cute, whatever.
He can't keep up.
So we end up at his place
and he's got these cat drawings hanging up in his hallway.
So I ask him about them
and, of course, I mention "The Story of the Eye,"
and he just looks at me, gets up and he leaves.
Comes back two seconds later
and he's got this saucepan of milk.
He places it on the floor and tells me to get undressed.
[laughing]
You know me, I'll do anything for a good story.
So I'm like, "Well, OK."
So I take off all my clothes and he goes,
"Be a good little kitty cat and dip that pussy in the milk
and crawl towards me so I can lick it off."
No.
"And don't forget to purr."
[laughing]
Oh my God.
The best part, he has to use almond milk
because he lactose intolerant.
Jesus Christ, I'm completely traumatized.
I'm ready to go back to women.
Ugh.
Aw. I thought you would think that was funny.
I do.
I did.
I am sorry, I'm--
You need a good night out, girl.
OK.
I'm gonna leave you, this is beautiful.
-Thank you. -Congrats.
And so, tomorrow?
Mm-hmm.
-See you soon. -Bye.
[Marin voiceover] Maybe if I pretended I'm happy
that would convince you that I'm OK
and you'd stop asking me if I feel better.
But constantly asking me is making me feel worse.
["Breath Control" by John Forté playing]
[woman] ¶ Have life inside your body ¶
¶ Now, now ¶
¶ Have life inside your body ¶
[man] ¶ Respectable appeal, right ¶
¶ This is something you should feel, right ¶
¶ Like a killer in the B ¶
¶ Close your eyes in the movie ¶
¶ The way things are ordered ¶
¶ You remember me and those killers from the B ¶
¶ Study life in plain sight, my plain's late ¶
¶ Living life, you look like you gained weight ¶
¶ Here and now with the same date ¶
¶ Too fast to bring down the frame rate ¶
¶ Rest your lawless your breath control ¶
¶ Far from innocent ¶
¶ In a sense, it left your soul ¶
¶ Rest your lawless your breath control ¶
¶ Far from innocent ¶
¶ In a sense, it left your soul ¶
¶ Rest your lawless your breath control ¶
¶ Far from innocent ¶
¶ In a sense, it left your soul ¶
[woman] And you feel the tide of your breath.
Hi, yeah, can I place an order for delivery?
Yeah, Marin.
[phone chiming]
[doorbell ringing]
Yeah!
Thank you. I don't need change.
I don't know what to do, man.
She just doesn't want to talk about it.
You guys still spending time together?
Yeah, we're having dinner tonight
but I guarantee you I will be going home alone.
I can't touch her without her pulling away.
What happened to Emily,
she acted like everything was fine
then had a meltdown three weeks later.
We used to be able to talk about anything.
Now everything I say is wrong.
Just keep giving her space.
She sees a therapist, talks to Isabel.
I'm sure she'll be OK...
eventually.
[Marin voiceover] A painter will layer a canvas,
paint on paint,
until she finds the texture she was wants,
the shape and desired elimination.
Is that what I'm doing?
Am I painting the layers
or am I trying to strip them off?
[phone chiming]
[Marin] Shit.
[laughing]
[man] Can we have some more standup?
No, I told him...
[muffled speaking]
[ominous music playing]
[Marin voiceover] I can't tell if I'm dreaming
and everyone is awake,
or if am I awake and they're all dreaming.
Sometimes I just want to scream.
If I did, would you hear me?
Is my silence comforting to you?
[man] This thing is perfect, right?
It can run with you,
it can hunt,
if you did a lot of hunting.
[woman] Maybe.
[man] But, like, it can be a watchdog.
Whatever you want, the thing is perfect.
But we all know that Jasmine is not gonna be happy
with just any Australian Labradoodle, right?
It has to be a chocolate...
Mini Australian Labradoodle, right?
From this one breeder in South Carolina.
[muffled speaking]
Hey.
I'm so, so sorry.
When Ben and I went through this two years ago,
it was heartbreaking.
I just couldn't even get out of bed,
so I totally know where you're coming from.
But it helps to go out and be out with friends
like you are now, really.
So don't sweat it, you'll be fine.
If you ever need to talk.
[Marin] Jasmine's your friend.
So what she had a miscarriage.
So does that make her a therapist?
Does that make her my therapist?
Who does she think she is to just like
casually bring up my miscarriage
when you and Ben were talking about whatever--
We weren't talking about--
Who do you think you're telling her about my miscarriage?
Who else knows?
Greg?
The rest of your friends? Lucy?
-Mar, she cares about you. -Oh.
She cares about us and she was just trying to help.
Would this have been a coincidence?
Look, I am just--
You know what, I don't even care.
I'm going home.
[clicking]
[rustling]
[buzzing]
[sighing]
[Marin] I can't even imagine how I would start a conversation
and then when he tries to start it,
my ears start to close and I...
I just don't have any interest.
[woman] But you do realize that this isn't gonna end
until you open up.
Yeah but he doesn't get what it is like for me.
[woman] Well maybe because he doesn't know
you already had two abortions.
[traffic commotion]
You want me to open up to him.
You want me to let him in.
How can I do that if I don't even understand
why I'm grieving for a baby I didn't even want?
[woman] You've suffered a very traumatic experience
and isolating yourself is not gonna make it easier for him.
So, what, you want me to go and say,
"Hey, Mark, stop looking at me with those sad puppy eyes.
I didn't even want a baby.
I just did it because you wanted one so badly?"
It's really not of interest. Sorry.
Sorry to bother you.
There's a woman downstairs named Michelle.
She wants to come up.
Yeah, that's my mom.
You can send her up.
Hey.
Yeah, sorry.
What were you saying?
OK.
Sweetheart, get off the phone and give me a hug!
I'll have to call you back. OK, bye.
-Hi. -Hi, honey.
Listen, I know I'm early.
Can I get you anything to drink?
Oh no, we're fine, dear.
Thank you, Lucy.
I need to talk to you.
So,
how is she?
She's great. She's almost back to normal.
Where do you wanna eat?
You forget, I raised you and three daughters.
Is she still not talking to you?
I know what I'm doing, OK?
I know Mar and I am fixing this.
"Fixing this?"
She lost a child.
You lost a child.
This isn't a distressed debt buyout.
This is your family.
You know what I mean.
Is she still seeing her shrink?
Yes... I think.
Well maybe you two should go see someone together.
Or I could talk to her.
No.
Thank you.
No, you're not talking to her about any of this.
Actually,
I'm serious, Mom.
[Marin voiceover] I'm tired of being in my head.
When I look at myself, I see negative space,
everything that's missing.
I wish I could see myself through someone else's eyes.
[crowd chattering]
-Hi. -Hey.
Look at you.
Marin, this is Francesca.
Hi.
Jesus, I can't believe you guys still haven't met.
Yeah, I know, it's great to meet you.
I've heard so much from her.
Well, thank you for letting me crash your party.
Of course.
I also need you to meet.
Remember, this is--
[all] Hey.
And shots.
We definitely need birthday shots.
[muffled speaking]
On me, yeah.
[woman] Shots, ladies.
Yeah.
[people chattering]
-Hey. -Oh.
Oh, yeah,
I tried but Marin has this birthday thing
with Isabel tonight, so I do not think she's gonna make it.
All right.
Hi.
[people chattering]
[Marin voiceover] When love is new,
the world disappears.
Nothing else seems to matter.
You are entirely inside your body
and outside of it at the same time.
I want that feeling again.
You didn't tell me she was that beautiful.
[giggling]
[cheering]
[Marin voiceover] I just want to touch someone new.
We have too much history.
Will I always feel this way? I don't know.
But now I need someone who isn't yearning for who I used to be.
What would you do if you were single again?
What would I do?
I don't know.
I just want to feel desirable again.
Is this seat taken?
Hi, I'm Rachel.
Hi, Rachel, I'm Mark.
-Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.
-Hey, I'm Greg. -Hi.
You don't wanna waste your time talking to this one.
What does that mean?
That means that I have a girlfriend.
But why isn't she here right now?
¶ Truth be told ¶
¶ What do you know of me ¶
¶ Love, your love will grow for me ¶
["Your Love Will Grow For Me" by Sophie Hiller playing]
[phone beeping]
[Marin on phone] I know that you're going
to Connecticut today.
Please, say hello to your mother and sisters.
Have a good time.
[wings fluttering]
[Marin voiceover] This is not the life I would have chosen for myself
but you were loving and sweet and you wanted it so much.
It was like giving a part of myself to your dream.
When you're in pain and afraid of something
you'll do anything to make the pain stop.
I've succeeded in making the pain stop
but it just left me numb.
[piano music plays]
Thank you.
[phone chiming]
What?
[people chattering]
[sighing]
[man] Hi, I'm Jonas.
Anna.
[Jonas] Hey, it's nice to meet you.
You too.
So, um...
hotel bar, Friday night, all alone.
You're not working, are you?
Were you waiting for someone?
Professional, maybe?
[laughing]
-No. -No?
Actually I am...
I'm in town for a night for my friend's gallery show.
It's nearby.
You should get a drink and then come with me.
What do you want?
Well,
I'll have a tequila
with soda and lime.
Mostly with soda and lime, actually.
Hey, sorry, can we get a lime and soda
with just a splash of tequila, please?
Thank you.
So when are you going back to Paris?
What makes you think I live in Paris?
[laughing]
No, I live here.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Well.
Um, do you like art?
Mm-hmm.
Yes, I went to art school.
So I prefer looking at it to analyzing it.
Don't worry...
[inaudible dialogue]
[chattering]
Why don't you take a look around while I go get us some drinks?
Oh, and really try not to steal anything.
OK.
[chuckling]
Oh, thank you.
You know that's me, right?
Yes.
-You can't see my Speedo -[laughing]
in this picture but it was--
Tiny.
It was pretty compromising.
[footsteps thumping]
Oh, hey, you wanna meet my friend?
Oh yes, sure.
[laughing]
Thank you guys for coming, OK?
Take care.
Sorry.
-Hey, man. -How're you doing, man?
-Good to see you! -Good to see you.
-Yeah, thanks, man. -Congratulations.
Thanks for coming, I appreciate it.
-Hey, there's somebody you should meet. -Hi, I'm Anna.
Anna, nice to meet you.
You taking care of this guy, here?
Because you gotta watch him.
No, strangely, she's not.
No, yeah.
You know.
Could you take care of me please?
No. Your photos are beautiful.
Thank you, I appreciate that.
They're OK.
-Yeah. -Well.
And I guess it's a long way from Bolivia to here, isn't it?
You tell her about everything?
-Not everything. -Thank you.
Excuse me.
OK, all right.
Sorry, I'll be right back.
-OK. -Sure.
Thank you.
He's nice.
Yeah, he's really nice.
You know what, let's get out of here.
OK, wait, no. Wait.
-Wait, wait, wait, wait. -Let's go, let's go, let's go.
So, did you get stood up
or do you just like hanging out in hotel bars all alone?
Yeah, no, I don't usually hang out in hotel bars alone.
Is he your boyfriend?
No.
A friend from out of town.
His flight got messed up.
Or he just flaked, I don't know. It doesn't matter.
Is he your ex?
Something like that.
You ask a lot of questions.
I don't ask a lot of questions.
I ask, you know, just like the good questions.
Yeah.
So were you planning on sleeping with him?
What?
You don't look like you're dressed
to catch up with an old friend.
You look like you're dressed for a date.
I wouldn't say I'd plan on it
but I wouldn't say I plan on much the last few months.
What does that mean?
OK, tell me something about yourself.
OK, well, would it be too forward to say
that I really, really,
really wanna kiss you?
[chuckling]
Don't spoil everything.
-Oh. -OK, where are we going?
We're gonna get another drink.
I don't really drink.
I'll decide where we're going.
OK.
-[crowd commotion] -[somber beat music playing]
-This is great. -Yeah.
[Jonas] This was a good decision.
Hey, could we get an order of fries, please?
Yes.
And two tequilas on the rocks, please.
And some water.
Thank you.
OK, so.
So.
-So. -So.
[giggling]
Where's home for you?
Home? Where's home?
-Between L.A. and Chicago. -Oh.
L.A. by choice and Chicago by.
I guess, necessity.
Hmm.
Do you like my hair?
-Mm-hmm. -I don't usually have bangs
but my hairdresser just put them in to see if I like them.
-Do you like them? -Mm-hmm, I do actually.
I think I'm gonna keep it.
You should definitely keep it.
Thank you.
Where's home for you?
Oh, well,
I grew up in Paris, so that will always be home
but my mom is American
and I lived in Tribeca for a long time now.
So, I guess that's home.
Huh.
Oh, God, OK.
[clears throat]
Salty.
"Salty." [speaking French]
Ugh.
[moaning]
Oh, my God.
Yes.
Do you live with your boyfriend?
Do you live with yours?
[laughing]
My kid is in Chicago.
Oh.
And my work's in L.A.
Necessity. I get it.
I got a girl pregnant and now I got an 11 year old boy
and a lot of... [sighs]
-air miles. -[chuckling]
Well I don't live with my boyfriend.
No?
Mm-hmm.
Are you still with the mom?
-No. -No?
No, she's unbalanced
and not the fun kind either, so.
So is your ex coming back?
Yes.
-Yes? -Tomorrow.
You gonna go see him?
I don't know.
Does your boyfriend know he's coming?
Oh, my God, OK one more question like this
and this will start to feel like an interrogation.
Fries.
[waitress] Can I get you guys another round?
No, thank you.
No, not an interrogation.
Just think of it more like a, I don't know,
like an interview.
Mmmm.
Yeah, I'm like a journalist,
I'm trying to get to the bottom of this mysterious,
gorgeous half-French,
-half-American artist. -[muffled beat music playing]
-You get the idea. -Oh, my God.
Oh, I love this song. I have to go dance.
When you gotta dance, you gotta dance.
I gotta dance.
¶ Heavy from lying ¶
¶ Empty from crying ¶
¶ Ready for flying away ¶
¶ For flying away, hey, hey, hey ¶
¶ Hey, hey, hey ¶
¶ Hey, hey ¶
¶ I'm flying away, yay, yay, yay ¶
¶ Yay, yay, yay ¶
¶ Yay, yay ¶
¶ I'm flying ¶
¶ Heavy from trying ¶
¶ Empty from crying ¶
¶ Ready for flying away ¶
¶ I'm heavy from trying ¶
¶ Empty from crying ¶
¶ Ready for flying away ¶
¶ For flying away, hey, hey, hey ¶
¶ Hey, hey, hey ¶
¶ Hey, hey ¶
¶ I'm flying away ¶
[muffled beat music playing]
[door creaking]
You know what I think this evening needs a little more of?
Tequila.
Oh, my God, again?
What do you mean?
We barely had any.
[giggling]
Oh, thank you.
-Cheers. -Cheers.
Mmmm.
OK, tell me, the kid you had 11 years ago,
that was an accident, right?
Well, I wouldn't want him going around thinking
that's what I think of him, but--
No.
Yeah, I didn't exactly plan it out.
But,
that was your only--
My only accident?
-No. -No?
There were a couple more in my 20's and...
the chances are those are just the ones that I know about.
Huh.
I spent all of my 20's and...
most of my 30's...
going down rabbit holes of various kinds.
And I don't know where to tell you to look for your answers
but I can tell you,
you're only gonna get so far looking on your own.
Sometimes you can spend so many years looking on your own
that you lose the chance to have it any other way.
Wow.
Well, I don't know if I want to look for answers or anything.
Just hearing you talk about
spending years looking for something,
it's tiring just to listen to.
I don't know, maybe I'm tired of my life
or myself, I don't know
but I don't want to spend my 30's looking for anything.
[sighing]
Hey.
I'd rather not go home tonight,
do you mind if I stay?
[traffic noise]
I mean, Jake's not bad.
He's a nice guy, hard working.
Got green eyes, looks like he's got a lot of hair
under that beanie.
Oh.
No cancer in his family either.
Kind of looking good here.
Oh, he went to Princeton, bummer.
Ew, Sara.
"Ew,"
what?
Ew, Princeton?
Ew, hair?
Ew, you didn't even look.
OK.
OK, fine, take it back.
-Totally hot. -He's cute.
Right, Mom?
Yes. Totally hot.
Could you please just wait until after breakfast
before you start breeding her?
-[chuckling] -Oh, "her?"
Well, "she" has been looking for a sperm donor for months
and "she" is on a clock.
Why don't you just have a kid the normal way?
The "normal way?"
Oh, my Gosh, where's your empathy gene this morning?
Nice, Mark, do you see a guy around?
[footsteps thumping]
There she is.
Hi, monkey.
Mommy, may I please have some French toast?
But of course you may.
Robbie, baby,
your French toast will ready in two minutes.
Do you want whipped cream?
Yes, please.
It's not like I have a boyfriend,
you know what I'm saying?
I mean, I'm not even sure at this point
that I want a boyfriend. What I want is a baby.
I really wanna have a baby
and I'm gonna do this.
I'm gonna do this.
I want one like you, with those little cheekies.
[giggling]
Do you think Mar is gonna want them?
You know, like, try again?
I don't know.
You guys totally should.
It'll be like the cutest baby ever.
You know, you should think about Mom's plumber.
What's his name, Mom?
-Roberto? -Roberto.
He's a very good looking guy.
Square jaw line.
He's a very good kisser.
I gotta say, he is hot.
I'm not having a baby with Roberto, guys.
Could you imagine, anytime I needed something,
he'd be fixing someone's pipes in Westchester.
Cherry!
Thank you, Grandma.
Yum.
You're welcome, darling.
[Laura] Your lucky day.
[Sara] Can I have some?
[Robbie] Can I eat if first?
[Sara laughing]
[Laura] Have you guys been talking?
I've barely even seen her.
Hmm.
We went out to dinner a couple of nights ago
with some friends of mine.
It was like she was barely even there.
[water trickling]
She doesn't really wanna talk about it.
To be honest,
I'm not sure that I want to anymore either.
[tea pot whistling]
[water trickling]
I know you're tired of talking about it.
I know how exhausting it is
and you're always the last one to complain about anything.
So I don't bring it up to pick at a wound.
It's just important to me to keep reminding you
how much I care
and how we are always here for you.
We always pick the complicated ones.
[chuckling]
Keep things interesting though,
I guess.
[water draining]
She'll come around.
I haven't gone through what she's gone through
but I know her.
I know that it'll work out.
[phone chiming]
I sat alone at the hotel bar like a cheap hooker.
Did you not think to just text me a few hours earlier
just to let me know?
[phone chiming]
[dial tone buzzing]
[Isabel on phone] Hey, girl, what's up?
Hey, can you come over?
Yeah, totally. I'm just picking up a few things.
OK, cool, see you soon.
I'll be right over.
OK.
[knife chopping]
[paper rustling]
[knocking]
Coming!
Oh, that was so fast.
I know.
I was just pulling looks at a store a few blocks away
from my shoot on Monday.
You OK?
Not really.
[Isabel] Do you mind if I smoke?
Yeah.
Max is in New York.
Whoa. When was the last time you saw him?
Also, when the fuck did you get bangs?
Oh, they did them yesterday to see if I liked them.
They look fantastic on you, you have to keep them.
You've gotta make those permanent.
[laughs] Sorry, sorry, Max.
Yeah, so I found a note in my mail from him,
so I sent him a message
and he asked me to meet him for drinks at his hotel
and I'm sitting at the bar and he texts me
telling me he had to change his flight
and is coming the next day.
So nothing's changed.
No.
Are you gonna meet him?
Mm-hmm.
I'm meeting him for dinner.
We haven't seen each other in over four years.
We stopped talking when I started seeing Mark.
Mmmm.
I wonder if he still looks the same.
Yeah.
Does Mark know he's in town?
No.
I'd have to go back to the beginning
and get into literally everything about Max
and I just don't need that right now.
And Mark doesn't either.
Mark still doesn't know about Max, right?
No.
So, he doesn't know that you were ever pregnant before?
No.
Neither of them do.
Is it bad that I am a little excited?
It's bad that you're only a little excited.
It's Max.
Have you decided if you're gonna sleep with him?
Wait.
Wow.
He took this just after we started dating.
How have I never seen this before?
I don't know.
I put that in a box under my skirts.
I haven't looked at it in a year.
Does he do this professionally?
No clue, no.
He used to do that just for fun but who knows?
You nervous.
Yeah, a little.
What if it's weird?
No, won't be weird.
I mean, look, he's a dick for flaking last night
but it definitely won't be weird.
You think he's married?
I honestly don't know.
I know he was seeing that girl from Miami
but maybe he works in the gallery, I don't know.
Well you seem better.
More yourself.
Almost.
You look like you were having fun
with Francesca the other night.
It's weird.
I have moments where I feel like myself
but it's like my body's here
but I'm not in it.
I'm, I don't even know where.
But I had fun with you on Thursday, thank you.
I needed that.
I don't know.
I was bursting to tears on my run the other day.
-Almost? -Yeah.
When was the last time you actually cried?
On the plane coming back from Paris.
Honey, you haven't cried in four years?
-[phone buzzing] -Shit.
[Marin] What?
[chuckling]
I forgot, I'm supposed to water my neighbor's plants.
[laughing]
I wish I was kidding.
You set an alarm?
Who knew plants were so high maintenance?
[laughing]
I love you.
Laughter is normal and so is crying.
I don't understand how you haven't cried
in four years or whatever
but I think this is progress.
Yeah.
Have fun tonight.
Seriously, just enjoy yourself.
He's not a stranger.
Four years isn't that long.
Just, um...
don't think so much for once.
Love you.
[Marin] Love you.
Uncle Mark?
Where is Marin?
She's in the city this weekend.
I miss her.
I miss her too, sweetheart.
Hey, hon, you gonna stay for dinner?
You know, I think so, just give me a sec.
Be right back.
[phone jingling]
Marin, um...
I'm always gonna be here for you.
[phone chiming]
[phone jingling]
I'm staying for dinner.
Fabulous.
[Marin voiceover] I know you're a good man.
You're kind and steady.
I probably don't deserve you.
But you don't really see me.
You see the idea of the girl you met four years ago.
She was perfect.
I'm not.
Everyone thinks about starting their life over again,
so they can somehow control it.
But I'm living my life now
and there is no way to control it,
so I just have to let go.
[elevator bell dings]
[Marin] Just a glass of water.
Thank you.
So, we'll have two artichokes and two steaks.
And for her, the sauce on the side, please.
Thank you.
Still ordering for people, I see.
Just you.
[speaking French]
English.
Did you forget all your French already?
No, I live here now, so I speak English.
You look good.
Older but good.
You too. You look good.
Not older, but more astute.
You look the same.
I don't know.
I don't even know what to say to you.
You look like you're going to interview me.
Just relax.
Are you married?
No.
Are you?
No.
Are you still with--
-Mark? -Yes, Mark.
-Yeah. -Yeah?
So you think you'll marry him?
I don't know.
Why did you send me a copy of that thing about Julian?
I don't know.
It didn't feel right sending you a message.
You could've emailed.
I don't like emails.
It surprised me.
And what are you doing in New York?
I'm here to see you,
including Iesha as well.
Your sister lives in New York?
She's doing a teaching program at Columbia.
Wow.
So tell me about you.
What's been going on?
How's Mark?
Mark's good. He's in Connecticut.
Does he know you're with me?
No.
He doesn't know about you.
I don't want, I don't need him...
He doesn't need to know.
Hey, do you remember my friend, Isabel?
Mm-hmm.
So you'll laugh, I was in my closet today
and I was looking at that picture you took of me,
you know, when we were living in that shitty apartment.
Anyway, I haven't looked at it in years
and I showed it to her.
I remember that photo.
It's my favorite of you.
Do you still take pictures?
I am.
I had a show a few months ago in L.A.
At Kate's gallery.
Oh.
You seem surprised.
You always told me
that if you had to take pictures for your work
it would take out all the joy for you.
Things change.
And do you still take portraits?
Do you photograph Kate?
Sometimes. She doesn't really like it.
[chuckling]
I'm kind of shocked you're still with her.
Why is that? You're still with Mark.
Yes, but I enjoy being in a relationship and you don't.
At least you didn't used to.
I was in a relationship with you.
I asked you to marry me, if you remember.
She's... She's easy.
She's not complicated.
Am I complicated?
Yes.
Well, [chuckles]
I don't know, it's been a long time.
You were complicated, very.
That's what drew me to you.
I never knew what I was getting with you.
So, "easy" was what you needed?
No.
Yes, you wanted someone easy.
Someone who didn't ask you questions or push you.
You wanted someone who would let you glide through life
without a care in the world.
You're the one who left.
I asked you to marry me and you packed your bags
and left the next day.
But I couldn't marry you
because you didn't know what you wanted to do with your life
because you didn't know who you wanted to be.
Does Mark?
Yes.
You don't look very happy.
You don't get to say that to me.
Yes I do, you look sad.
I'm not.
You shouldn't have sent the article.
Well you shouldn't have come.
I sent you the letter because I had to.
I didn't have a choice.
I needed to see you.
You could have just thrown it away
or maybe you should have.
But you didn't need to come here and make me feel this way,
tell me what I can and cannot say to you.
[exhales]
I lied.
You have changed.
You're getting even more beautiful.
How's your family?
How's work?
Work's been better.
Mom's a pain, as usual.
She and Dad just bought a house in Ramatuelle
so she's there a lot.
Julian, as you saw, is doing well.
I see him every couple of weeks for dinner.
And you?
How is your parents?
I miss your dad.
He misses you too, believe me.
Mom was in L.A. last week.
She's great.
They're exactly the same.
And do you think Kate is the one?
I don't know.
We're engaged anyway.
We had a baby six months ago.
What?
I don't understand, what are you doing here?
I mean, what are you doing here in New York with me?
I'm here to see you.
But we haven't spoken in over three years
and you're engaged?
You have a fucking baby?
This is unbelievable.
I don't even know why I am surprised.
That's so you.
What is that supposed to mean?
I had a miscarriage.
My life is completely turned upside down
and you come back into my life and you have a baby.
I'm gonna smoke, don't follow me.
[crickets chirping]
[distant police siren]
When did you have a miscarriage?
A few months ago.
I can't believe you have a baby.
Is it a boy or a girl?
Girl.
Her name is Vanessa.
[chuckling]
Are you OK now?
Yeah.
I didn't want a baby anyway.
I came here because I miss you.
I think about you.
Not always, but I think about you.
I worry about you.
I wonder how you are.
I had a baby and it made me want to be with you.
So, when I saw your brother's piece
I thought it was a sign that I needed to see you.
It's funny,
I always thought we'd have babies together.
Not be together but, I don't know,
I thought we'd make good parents.
I went out with someone last night.
When you stood me up,
this guy at the bar,
we went out and I came back with him at the hotel.
It was nice spending the night with someone
who didn't look at you like a sad girl who lost a baby.
-You're jealous. -Of course I am.
Does Kate know you're with me?
No.
She doesn't know.
I'm happy you're here.
[giggling]
Do you still drink tequila?
Yes I do.
Good.
That's beautiful.
It's very you, this place.
[Marin] Mm-hmm.
How long have you been here?
A year and a half.
I love how quiet it is.
My old apartment had a view
but it was so noisy, I didn't like it.
Why don't you quit?
I did.
I cut down.
Thank you.
Are you happy?
Sometimes.
Sometimes is good enough, I guess.
It has to be.
How is Kate?
Blonde.
Yeah, I know, I don't usually like blonde.
But she's smart. She's beautiful.
Do your parents still have the house in Corsica?
Yes, they do.
[gasping]
I miss that pool.
You remember, it was so dark you could be naked in there
and nobody could tell.
How did you meet Mark?
A friend of mine,
she invited me to this party she was going to
and I was standing at the window smoking a cigarette
and he came to me and he was...
He was what?
Nice...
and not pretentious.
Did you shut him out like you did with me?
He'd probably say yes.
Did he want a baby?
I'm guessing you're not really talking to him.
I'm not ready.
Well, that's your problem.
What is?
You never wanna talk.
You would rather keep everything inside but
that's no way to live.
You sound like my therapist.
He's right.
You can't say that to me.
What, the truth?
You don't know me anymore.
[scoffs] Stop the bullshit, please.
You were the love of my life, I know you.
I know you always shut people out.
You used to do it to me and it killed me.
I can see you're in a lot of pain,
so why not talk to him about it?
It's because I'm angry.
I'm so angry.
I didn't want to be pregnant, he did,
but now I'm the one left picking up the pieces.
Anyway, let's not talk about it.
["Breath Control" by John Forté playing]
¶ And the subtle sensation of the pulsation ¶
Ugh.
¶ Of life inside your body ¶
[giggling]
¶ Of life inside your body ¶
¶ Respectable appeal, right ¶
¶ This is something you should feel, right ¶
¶ Like a killer in the B ¶
¶ Close your eyes and remember ¶
¶ The way things are order ¶
¶ You remember me and those killers from the B ¶
¶ Study life in plain sight, my plane's late ¶
¶ Living life, you looked like you gained weight ¶
¶ Here and now with the same date ¶
¶ Too fast, just bring down the frame rate ¶
¶ Rest your lawless your breath control ¶
¶ Far from innocent ¶
¶ In a sense, it left your soul ¶
¶ Rest your lawless your breath control ¶
¶ Far from innocent ¶
¶ In a sense, it left your soul ¶
¶ Rest your lawless your breath control ¶
¶ Far from innocent ¶
¶ In a sense, it left your soul ¶
¶ And if you're ever tired of your breath ¶
¶ And do you feel your beating heart? ¶
[dramatic string music playing]
Lights.
I want them off.
[huffing]
[engine rumbling]
[Mark voicemail] Marin,
I'm always gonna be here for you.
Whenever you're ready,
I don't care if it takes years.
I can promise you that.
But what I can't promise you is
the way I'm gonna be here for you.
I really hope that
it's as your boyfriend,
your husband, partner,
whatever you wanna call us.
But one way or another, life has to find a way
to propel itself forward and I can't,
I can't be in a relationship by myself.
So know that I am waiting for the call,
a call to do whatever it is that you need me to do
to help me through this.
But the day might come when I am helping you
just as an old friend and that's all.
And it won't be out of spite.
It'll be because I can only tread water for so long
before my legs give out.
[phone chiming]
[speaking French]
Have a good day.
[Marin voiceover] Who says endings have to be sad?
That goodbyes have to be sad?
I don't agree.
It's painful at first
when a part of yourself is torn away
but endings are the borders that constrain you
from going forward in your life.
One needs to break free of those constraints
in order to move forward.
[water trickling]
[phone chiming]
Have you ever had a moment
when your conception of yourself slips?
And you realize that the stories you've been telling yourself...
about yourself,
for however long,
aren't necessarily true.
Sometimes you're alone,
staring out a window at the sidewalk
and it all hits you.
You've become something different.
We can't have beginnings without endings after all.
Um...
I don't remember what I wanted to tell you.
I didn't really know...
I don't know, I feel like I,
I think I felt sad, actually,
because this thing happened to us
and I didn't feel like you were there for me or anything
and you were here,
like you wanted to pretend nothing happened
and that we would be OK
and that we had to get back to our life
but that's not fair because that's not what happened and,
and I'm sad. [crying]
And...
And I'm...
I feel bad because I feel like maybe it's my fault
because I wasn't ready to be a mom and...
But I'm happy you're here
and we can
get to talk to each other.
¶ I play into deception ¶
¶ Convincing you I'm strong ¶
¶ Your world is in my hands now ¶
¶ With grace, I take you on ¶
¶ Agreeing not to falter ¶
¶ Jailer in my own prison ¶
¶ Have I risen, have I risen ¶
¶ Right out of my mind ¶
¶ Eyes wide open, eyes wide open ¶
¶ Still, I'm blind ¶
¶ I'm under the light but I can't see myself ¶
¶ I'm fighting to breathe but I can't be myself ¶
¶ Oh, oh, oh, oh Lord ¶
¶ These are the strangest days and times ¶
¶ Oh, oh, oh, oh Lord ¶
¶ If life is one big road ¶
¶ Where are those signs ¶
¶ Can't stand the taste of tears now ¶
¶ Afraid of drunken grief ¶
¶ If I begin to let it in ¶
¶ Will my restless spirit cease? ¶
¶ This path may be a danger ¶
¶ Like a stranger is company ¶
¶ I'm a captive to your every whim ¶
¶ In search of something free ¶
¶ Eyes wide open, eyes wide open ¶
¶ I can't see ¶
¶ I'm under the light but I can't see myself ¶
¶ I'm fighting to breathe but I can't be myself ¶
¶ Oh, oh, oh, oh Lord ¶
¶ These are the strangest days and times ¶
¶ Oh, oh, oh, oh Lord ¶
¶ If life is one big road ¶
¶ Where are those signs? ¶