让我们区分买家 和光看不买的人
有需要和贪婪的人 和信任我及不相信我的人
如果你看不出 这些东西的价值
你今天就不是来买东西的 而是来偷东西的
看到这些东西了没？ 这是你们捡便宜的大好机会
拿个塑胶袋吧…
我昨天晚上泡了个马子 结果花的钱比十镑多多了
有没有人喜欢珠宝首饰的？ 看看那个，意大利手工精制
保证是从 史帝尼区偷来的
和我的手一样长 希望我的老二也一样长
不要以为 这些密封的盒子是空的
只有挖坟的人才会卖空箱子
我看今天来的各位 也不是有钱人
这样吧，不二价十镑
- 你说十镑？ - 你聋了吗？
真便宜，我买一个
靠过来，左脚向右移
你的身体就会自然移动 这就叫走路
你也要买吗，亲爱的？ 好极了，有买气了
送给你的老婆 或是送给别人的老婆
只要不被逮到 野花比家花香多了
你也要买吗？
打起精神来 呆站在那儿没有用的
大家快来买，这些不是偷来的 只是没有付钱罢了
只此一次绝无仅有 因为那里换锁了
卖完再来就来不及了 等我一走后悔就来不及了
如果你现在身上没有钱 那算你倒霉
贝肯，有条子
妈的
艾德虽然有时骗点小钱花花 但他最擅长的还是打牌赌钱
贝肯知道自己在街上 卖赃货的时间不长了
他知道自己得做出些改变
片名：两杆大烟枪
- 你在说什么，我很瘦耶 - 当然
- 你好，艾德 - 幸会，希腊人尼克
- 汤姆，你最近都吃了些什么？ - 我一直告诉他…
够了
两位到我办公室来吧
- 多少钱，汤姆？ - 你知道多少钱，尼克
- 包括扩音器吗？ - 不包括扩音器
- 我以为是连扩音器 - 你弄错了
你要的话我可以送你一个电话 但是这价钱不包括扩音器
很好
我希望有包括喇叭
不包括喇叭也不包括扩音器
我不想再听你这些愚蠢的问题 尼克，你要的话就付钱
你还送什么？
送你一辆镀金的劳斯莱斯… 只是你要付钱
我不确定，汤姆，好像有点贵
好像？ 这好像似乎是在浪费我的时间
别的店都要卖九百 而且还不一定有
我只卖两百，你还啰唆
你是在哪儿念的经济学？ 这桩买卖划算的不得了
仔细想想，尼克，我不卖了
别激动嘛
- 这是一百 - 我的妈啊，你钱还真多
区区一百镑还要讲价
尼克，你不买音响时 都在干嘛？
融资革命吗？
- 一百镑就是一百镑 - 价钱是两百镑的时候就不同
特别是当你荷包 可以代利比亚付国债的时候
真是小气死了
把钱给我
小瘦子是汤姆 他最有生意头脑
他绞尽脑汁赚些蝇头小利
但是和尼克比起来 却是小巫见大巫
他们两个联手简直天下无敌
这就是我的两万五千块 我费了好大的劲才赚到
你最好别乱花
大厨怎么样？
你怎么样？
你这个贪心的白痴
我再也不向你买水果了 汤姆，这叫新鲜吗？
你卖给我的水果里面 虫子比果肉还多
你应该去开肉店 而不是卖水果
如果你要从加德满都订东西 就不要抱怨半路上车的观光客
别提那些了，钱呢？
别碰我的汤
“肥皂”因为不愿意 涉入非法勾当而赢得这个称号
他以自己的工作为荣 更以手法为傲
他是这四个人中比较有理智的
你付得起两万五千镑吗？
这就要看你怎么想了 如果有回收我当然付得起
你从胖子和贝肯那儿 拿到钱了吗？
胖子，贝肯和我的钱都出了 现在该打电话给哈利了
胖子到底是谁？
要不要三明治，贝肯？
哈利情趣商店
想要加入这场牌局可不简单
赌注不可低于十万 而且想加入的人大排长龙
决定你能不能入局的人 是这个人——哈利
所有的人，包括他自己 都叫他为——印第安斧哈利
到手了吗？
十万
钱到手就没问题
我先挂了
这个艾德到底是何方神圣？
他是个他妈的小毛贼
哈利有个令人闻风丧胆的 同伙——洗礼者巴利
他专门负责帮哈利淹死人
- 你到底要不要还钱？ - 我会还
你要怎么还？
巴利的主要任务 就是要让哈利能够顺利做生意
那小子天赋异禀 他似乎能一眼看穿牌
所以说他还不错啰？
他简直是他妈的赌神
你觉得这个怎么样？ 卖的很畅销
很好，哈利
这是用来干嘛的？
别装傻，这是用来打屁股的
计程车行
我，汤姆，肥皂和你 各出两万五，刚好十万
- 你为什么还要数？ - 因为我爽
根据以往的经验
每人投资两万五 合理的回收应该在12万左右
根据乐观的看法
不管怎样 这钱够你回去念烹饪学校
一点都不好笑，汤姆，你很肥
你应该肥的，但却不肥
肥？你说谁… 天啊
这里还不错
坐地铁很方便，电力供应正常 难怪你要搬进来
别抱怨了，这里很便宜
而且没有人愿意住在 我们邻居的隔壁
- 实在是不友善到极点 - 你是什么意思？
他是说住这里的人都是小偷
我是说当他们 不做那些下流事的时候
就会去抢那些倒霉鬼的毒品
这些墙隔音效果不太好
干得好，去喝一杯吧
就这么多？
你要我说多少遍，普兰克
只要你帮我们找件好差事 你的进帐就会多些
有意见吗？
我们的开支越来越大了
我开始怀疑 我们应该去当火箭科学家
或是当诺贝尔和平奖得主 什么的
和平奖？
你哈这么多草
搞不好上一号时 连老二都找不到了
那是谁？
- 你好吗，威利？ - 我看起来好吗？
这拿去
我快冒汗了
查尔斯 我们为什么要装铁门？
为了保险起见
没错
如果不用它干嘛要装？
我会用的，温士顿 但这是威利
- 威利住在这里 - 没错，查尔斯
但是你开了门之后 才知道是威利，对吧？
别紧张，温士顿，是我 查尔斯知道是我
问题在哪里？
告诉你，问题在哪
查尔斯和你就算在清醒时 反应也不快
你们最好乖乖地听我的话 把铁门锁上
- 那是什么？ - 这是葛萝莉亚
我知道这是葛萝莉亚 我说的是那个？
肥料
你六个小时前出门去买数钞机
回来的时候带了昏沉沉的 葛萝莉亚和一包肥料
- 我觉得你不太妙 - 我们需要肥料，温士顿
我们也需要数钞机
我们星期四就要交钱 我可不想自己去数
如果你非去买肥料不可 能不能小心一点？
你这话什么意思？
我们种的是大麻对吧？
你不能带个嗑药的女人 和一包肥料在路上乱逛
因为你看起来实在不像农夫 那就是我的意思，威利
热浪人工阳光馆
他在里面多久了，儿子？
差不多20分钟
他一个人？
没错，还提了个袋子
我们去拜访他一下
大克利斯帮哈利解决财务纠纷
除此之外他唯一关心的 就是他的儿子
小克利斯
这是在晒人工太阳是吧？
- 坏消息，约翰 - 搞什么？
在我儿子面前嘴巴放干净点
耶稣基督…
也不准亵渎神明
告诉我，约翰 当你有更重要的事要处理时
怎么能专心在这里晒太阳？ 虽然晒得很好看
告诉哈利…
我是说 告诉哈利先生说我很忙
我就快弄到钱了
儿子，去检查他的衣柜
克利斯，你能不能 把人工太阳罩打开？
他有钱得很 光是皮夹里就有一百多镑
去你妈的，约翰
你身上都一直带着 这么多钱吗？
- 你再说粗话我就给你好看 - 对不起，老爸
把其它的东西也放进去
你今天就穿塑胶袋回去吧
你欠钱不还
在你身上的古铜色变淡前 把钱都还清了
杰狄酒吧
你永远不会知道的
对呀，就是这样
- 你在这里干嘛？ - 怎么回事？
让我猜猜 你要我一脚把你踢出去？
打牌，印第安斧哈利？
你应该好好休息的，小子
你今晚要玩牌？
和哈利玩？
别傻了，爸 我怎么会做这种事
他哪来十万镑？
他有几个好兄弟 他们会帮他筹钱的
杰狄是他老爸 那房子是他的？
没有贷款，没有负债 整栋该死的房子都是他的
别担心，哈利 一切都在我的掌握之中
好，现在你去处理这件事
看来艾普顿爵士没钱了 准备拍卖这些东西
我可不愿意为了买它们 花25万
你知道我的意思吧，巴利？
枪柜子里的东西一样都不要漏 全拿来
我不管你找谁下手 只要别找呆子就好了
也别告诉他们这些枪值多少钱
我们讲到哪儿了？
猎枪？就是用来打猎的枪？
你显然比较聪明 没错，就是用来打猎的枪
记得把枪柜子里的枪全拿来
柜子里全是旧枪 那些就是我要的
除了柜子里的东西 其它的全是你的
谢谢你 我们当然希望能捞点好处
那是做大房子 当然有油水可捞
- 比如说什么？ - 比如说他妈的古董
我们哪懂古董啊？
- 我们专抢邮局 - 还有偷车
我们哪里懂古董啊？
简单得很 看起来越旧的就越值钱
别再啰啰嗦嗦的，快点下手
我们的老板是谁？
你们只要知道老板是我就行了 你们只需要知道这么多
我懂了？ 这是件神秘兮兮的差事，对吧
就像007那样
小心点，别忘了 是谁给你们这件差事
我要走了，得手后打电话给我
再见
真是他妈的北方猢狲
我讨厌这些自以为是 的南方娘娘腔
艾德从小就开始打牌 他很快就发现自己天赋异禀
不是说他很会玩牌 或是会数牌
但他很会察言观色 任何人最轻微的反应
都逃不过他的眼晴 而每人都有反应
尤其是牵涉到钱的时候
- 邀请卡 - 邀请卡？
就是那种印着你名字的小纸片
我们有十万张上面印着 女王头的小纸片，那行不行？
只有你可以进去 其他人到隔壁的撒摩亚去
撒摩亚？你说那间俱乐部？…
少讲一句我就不发飙，懂吗？
今天除了打牌的人之外 没有其他人可以进去，懂吗？
晚安，费雪，唐，菲尔
有点太戏剧化了吧 这象征着什么吗？
很明显的是为了保险起见
我要早知道 就把拳击手套带来了
你一定是杰狄的儿子艾德吧？
那你一定是哈利 抱歉，我不认识你老爸
别担心，你继续胡扯的话 很快就可以见到他了
谭亚，好久不见
你好吗，艾德？
- 盖利，我们叫对方肯尼 - 知道了，肯尼
你不戴丝袜吗？
我才刚花了120镑烫头发 我才不要把丝袜罩在头上
你不能什么都不戴吧
我们玩的是三张，各位
三张3最大，接下来是三张A 然后依次算下去
再下来是同花顺 同花，顺和一对
开牌的人不能看盖牌的人的牌
如果想要看对家的牌 就要拿出双倍的赌注
别想要出千
你们知道游戏的规则 也知道我不容许作弊
你在干嘛？ 放回去，我们是来偷枪的
放回去，这反正是垃圾
快点…
这是什么样的酒吧？
是撒摩亚酒吧
那是什么？
是鸡尾酒 你们不是点了鸡尾酒吗？
我要你给我一杯饮料
我没想到 你会端出一座热带雨林来
在里面搞不好 还会爱上一只红毛猩猩
想喝啤酒到酒吧去
- 这不就是酒吧吗？ - 这是撒摩亚酒吧
能不能叫他 把电视关小声一点
你可以问他 不过我劝你还是别惹他
把这拿走，给我一杯健怡可乐
请问你能把电视 关小声一点吗？
不
肯尼，你在做什么？
我在逼问他们把钱藏在哪儿
你这个呆子 你看不出他们没钱吗？
他们连新傢俱都买不起
我们枪都到手了 你是怎么回事？
我们每次下手 你都要烧别人的脚底
你到底有什么毛病？
小心点，老傢伙
你差点轰掉我兄弟的头
你没事吧，肯尼？
肯尼？
一万块盖牌
两万块开牌
赌注真高，我不跟了
看到你的牌了
两万块开牌
我不跟了
钱别一下花光了
该死
干嘛？
你不是说没有佣人吗，巴利？
枪到手了吗？
你该看看他们是怎么对付 可怜的盖瑞
盖瑞…
- 你们枪到手了没？ - 到手了
很好，我会再跟你们联络
盖瑞，你听得到我说的话吗？ 回车上去吧
巴利…
该死的南方浑帐，盖瑞
还我钱
把钱还给我
还钱来…
浑球
别这样，拜托别坏掉
该死的
我的天啊 这下我们要把你的钱全赢过来
两万开牌
三万，轮到你叫了，艾德
五万
八万
十万
听着，各位，我知道…
我知道你不跟所以你少废话
25万
赌注加的真高 这表示我还再加15万
没错
你还有什么要说的吗？
这让我进退两难 我的钱不够了
如果没有人借艾德钱的话 我们就要双方开牌
没有人借钱我们就要开牌
我会
你会什么？
我会借你钱
不，我宁愿开牌
我不管你宁愿什么 我会继续加注，我也会借你钱
你能借到钱 所以我们不需要开牌
我需要25万
不，你需要50万才能跟我
那是我要跟的话
显然你打不下去了对吧？
我跟
在我借你钱之前 我是说如果你输的话
一星期内要还钱，懂吗？
礼拜天还钱，知道吗？
就这样？
我们看看他的牌吧
小子，不舒服吗？
我知道你的钱大部份 都是从朋友那儿借来的
我给你一个礼拜的时间筹钱
否则每过一天，我就砍下 你和你朋友的一只手指头
等到你们手指头被砍光后 你老爸的酒吧就不知道会怎样
明白吗，小鬼？
情况不妙
他向朋友们解释目前的惨状
一个礼拜后 哈利就要砍他们的手指
因为他知道艾德是不可能 自己解决这么庞大的债务
哈利认为既然出钱大家都有份 欠钱当然大家都有一份
艾德虽然不愿承认 但他很感激哈利这么想
因为他根本不想独力解决 这笔债务
我希望他能让我 独力负担这笔债务
- 我要杀了他 - 别闹了，汤姆
好好想想我们要怎么办，坐下
哈利到底是怎么回事 我们为什么不干脆赖帐？
让我跟你谈谈 印第安斧哈利的事
以前有个叫史密斯罗宾森的人 为哈利工作
但谣传他手脚不干净 哈利要史密斯向他解释
但史密斯支吾其词 哈利很快就按捺不住
他随手抓起手边的一只 15英吋长的假阳具
居然把史密斯活活打死
这种死法还算死的好
所以欠哈利钱就得还钱
别担心，我会想办法的
打高尔夫球
让散步的乐趣消失殆尽
这是丘吉尔的名句
这是个狗咬狗的世界
但我比你们两个狠多了
你的朋友好像有话要告诉我们
也许没有 我再打一杆确定一下好了
- 把五号铁杆给我，约翰 - 没问题，阿狗
不要动
戈登，你是不是有话 要告诉我们
在火炉里
闭嘴，你这个白痴
继续说，戈登
在火炉里，拉出来，就在最下面
普兰克，在火炉里 拉出来，就在最下面
阿狗，你来看看这个
- 你现在能放我下来了吧？ - 不行
我们两个之间还没完呢
刀子
救命啊…
天啊，阿狗
那是谁？才12点
叫他走铁门，是为此而设的
哪一位？
我们做这么多保全措施 是有原因的，威利
别担心，温士顿，是普兰克
你们的货越来越出名了 知道吗？
天啊
我没看到你
你还开心吗？
她是不是晕了？
你说呢？
我的妈啊
把钱收一收，查尔斯
你去收
对不起，各位 但那个女人把我吓得半死
别管她了，你能不能让一让？
你要多少？
半公斤
那要一千五，把秤拿来
小杰，把大麻拿来
先让我们看看钱吧
赔率是一百比一 我们只需要五千磅
我宁愿把钱赌在一匹瘸马身上
赔率之所以是一百比一 是因为它不会赢
- 艾德呢？ - 你说呢？
他已经连续大醉两天
他受到的打击很大
我们大家都大受打击
但他还得告诉他老爸 说他保不住他的酒吧
听听这个
你可以开一家 “老玻璃俱乐部”
在同性恋杂志上面登广告 说要卖最新上市的假阳具
说它是“无所不能 最新的性学科技”
还有“保证满意，否则退钱” 之类的废话
这种假阳具一个要卖25镑 简直就是物超所超
但他们把支票寄到 另一家名称很普通的公司
你把那张支票存在银行 直到兑现，高明的就在这里
用“老玻璃俱乐部”开一张 25镑的支票退回去
告诉消费者很抱歉 我们从美国已经订不到货了
但有多少人 会去兑现那张支票？
一个都没有
因为没有人希望 自己的银行知道
“老玻璃俱乐部” 寄支票给他们
- 钱要多久才能回收？ - 不会超过四个礼拜
一个月？那有什么用 我们要在六天之内筹到钱
不对，是在五天之内
不管怎么样这个点子很高明
他也许知道我们抽得很多 也许降低了他的利润
但他绝对不知道 我们手上有多少钱
连我都不知道，你知道吗？
我们可以揩点油
你们知不知道 他是什么样的人啊？
他看起来很傻，但是很凶狠
如果他怀疑我们揩油的话…
我们两个就要尝尝 被刀戳的滋味了
你也认识这些人啰？
很熟，我向他们买货 买了好多年
他们是什么样的人？
四个小毛头，不是什么狠角色
他们不过是 整天醉生梦死的嬉痞罢了
他们唯一拿手的就是种大麻
他们的生意成长太快 自己都吃不消了
他们不可能全都这么笨吧？
你想想 他们把钱全部放在鞋盒里
他们卖的是高级好货 你难道不认为背后有人撑腰？
他们的保全设施如何？
他们有铁门但从不上锁
从不上锁是什么意思？ 那他们装铁门干嘛？
我去了不下50次 他们从不上锁，毫无戒心
去找他们买货的 都是衣冠楚楚的有钱人
他们都相信“我不犯人 人不犯我”那套鬼话
他们不会报复？
就算他们真的想报复 也无从下手，他们太胆小了
他们手无缚鸡之力 没种的同性恋
想不想来一点？
干嘛找我们过来？ 你找你老头了没？
我希望能不要告诉他
我有个计划，注意听好
- 两位好 - 哈利
要不要喝一杯？
小朋友，要不要来根棒棒糖？
你去死，同性恋
小鬼，讲话小心点
不，谢了，哈利，不用了
好漂亮的枪
没错，是普兰公司出产的 想不想拿拿看？
不，我不玩枪，谢了
生意不错吧？ 我猜这是我来的原因
有四个小毛头需要你收拾 他们欠了我50万
多少？
50万
我加入
我也是
天啊
我们在那里守株待兔 等他们回来就下手
- 他们有带武器 - 什么？有武器？
他们有什么样的武器？
口臭，脏话和鸡毛掸 傻瓜，当然是枪啰
枪？
你从来没提过他们有枪
你先说是万无一失 现在居然变成军火大战
肥皂，别这么没种 我考虑过了，而且…
而且什么？
我们只要找出 枪在谁身上就好了
在谁身上？ 搞不好他们全都有带
不，他们动手时 只有一个人身上有枪
所以回来的时候应该也一样
应该也一样？
“应该”是万错之兄
应该是万错之母，白痴
之兄，之母…还不都一样
他们都有枪，而且会开枪
肥皂，如果你有更高明的点子 能在五天之内筹到50万镑
麻烦告诉我们
同时，汤姆，你去找胖子尼克 谈谈搬货的事
- 草？ - 这可不是一般的草，是高级货
- 我想也不敢，别说搬了 - 我不太喜欢
我也是，但看你要的是什么 这票规模很大
- 你有没有认识什么人？ - 认识一个
罗伊贝克
不是那个满头卷发的疯子吧？
我不想跟他扯上任何关系
你不用出面，给我样品就行了
办不到
“办不到”是不是在加德满都 附近？互相让步吧
这是鸡汤
- 什么？ - 像圣诞节一样合法
犹太人不过圣诞节，汤姆
别管那个 我还需要几只锯短的猎枪
这有点难 这里是伦敦不是黎巴嫩
- 你以为我是谁？ - 你不是希腊人尼克吗？
按住
我一般是不卖毒品的
但如果真有他说得那么好 我一公斤可以付三千五
但要真那么好才行
我不要看样品也不要试
我让尼森跟你谈 他会跟你把细节搞清楚的
但我跟你讲清楚
如果牛奶是酸的 我这猫儿决不会喝
明白吧？
罗伊贝克
罗伊？我认识他，别小看他了
我知道他看起来很蠢 但别被他可爱的外表骗了
几天前罗伊的电视坏了
所以他到酒吧里 去看足球赛的结果
没有人在看电视 所以他就转台了
一个死胖子走过去换台跟他说 “去你的，到别的地方去看”
罗伊知道势必会有一场血拼 但是又不想错过球赛
所以他很冷静地拿起灭火器
经过所有等着看好戏的酒客 走出去把灭火器放在门口
然后点了酒吧里最烈的酒 继续回去看球赛
那胖小子说“妈的，我受够了”
罗伊说“你妈的说什么？” 他对着那个胖子吐了一口酒
然后把点着的火柴丢到他身上 那胖子一下成了大火球
罗伊若无其事的 转过头去继续看球赛
他的球队四比零赢了
你的头发 原来就是这个样子吗？
- 对吗，矮子？ - 别管这些
下次我们再接这种工作 就要多收点钱，朋友
否则就回去抢邮局，偷车
- 其它的呢？ - 没有其它的了
别闹了，那些旧的枪在哪儿？
我不知道你的意思
柜子里还有两把古董枪 在哪儿？
不在柜子里
管家倒是拿了两把旧的毛瑟枪
但那枪是我们的 我们已经卖了
你们最好赶快去把枪拿回来
我们非卖不可，我们需要钱
我才不管
如果你们想要保住你们的手指 最好赶快去把枪拿回来，快
天啊
这些枪会不会散开来啊？ 你从哪儿弄来的？
我自有办法
听着，汤姆，你用这些枪指着我 便可以为所欲为
我同意，它们看起来还不错
但是看起来好像不适合做案 对吧，我搞不好还会被人笑
- 这枪多少钱？ - 一把七百
因为它们有七百年历史？
我知道它们是古董 但我可不愿意花这种钱
有点太长了，对吧？
锯短的卖完了
- 现在的人都希望射程大一点 - 射程？
我无意伤害人 但是也不希望别人伤害我
我希望看起来像个狠角色
你看起当然狠，真的很吓人
那些卖毒品的人呢？
罗伊贝克已经准备就绪
汤姆宝贝 你这次一定大捞一票
我知道你很震惊
但我可以告诉你 怎么解决这个问题
请说
哈利喜欢你的酒吧
那又怎样？
他要你的酒吧
那又怎样？
难不成还要我画图给你看？
听着，那小子根本搞不清状况 这是我的酒吧，和他没关系
我才不关心，别忘了 你有机会可以救你儿子的命
为了你的名声 所以我会委婉地说
麻烦你转告哈利 叫他操自己吧
我会认为你说这话 是因为惊吓过度
所以仅此一次放你一马
你儿子三天之内要筹50万
你最好赶快做出决定 你要你儿子还是要酒吧？
普兰克先，他们有个 从不上锁的铁笼，对吗？
- 从不上锁 - 他们不锁的
他一进去就放其他人进去
他们为难我们，就开枪或什么的
他们应该不会惹麻烦的
但他们身边也是有武器的
得手后就会回来这里下货 便大功告成了
- 大家都知道了吗？ - 没问题
你看看这些
我们拿这些干嘛？
- 戴在头上，呆子 - 天啊
如果你认为我会以真面目示人 那你就大错特错了
那些傢伙是你的邻居
我想稍为伪装一下应该比较好
你说得对，好主意
我也带了武器
什么武器？
- 这些 - 我的妈啊
别露白好吗？
你没有大一点的吗？
像这种吗？
- 怎么样？ - 你有病
酒保，麻烦给我们几杯酒
你有看见你爸吗？
印第安斧派手下来过了
糟了，什么时候？
那个疯…
你这些是从博物馆偷来的吗？
希腊人尼克弄来的
多少钱？
两把共七百块
是用古希腊币付的吧？
用鸡腿自保更安全
用这些有害无益
汤姆，这些可以用吗？
我不知道 不过看起来挺不错的
我还蛮喜欢的
你喜欢最重要了
小姐们，麻烦言归正传
我们只有两把真枪 就是这两把
我们在隔壁找个地方躲起来 我们等到时间成熟就一拥而上
看起来凶恶吓人，制住他们
抢他们车上的货 搬到我们车上然后回到这里来
只要我们动作够快 就能攻其不备
如果汤姆或其他人 想要踢他们几脚
我想应该无伤大雅
给他们吃点苦头 要不了他们的命
我觉得带刀是个好主意
带几把亮晃晃的大刀 看起来能生剥鳄鱼皮的那种
刀子比较好，刀子不会发出声音
越安静就越好用
把他们吓得屁滚尿流 让他们知道我们不是闹着玩的
枪是中看，但行家都用刀
肥皂，你是不是有 不为人知的秘密？
我不晓得哪一样比较令人害怕 下手抢劫还是你的过去？
快点，小姐们
他们要去哪儿？搬钢琴吗？ 这不是抢劫吗？
他们哪来的行头？
- 好主意 - 好主意
我是普兰克，威利在吗？
不，他不在，他出去了
- 也许你能帮忙 - 碍难从命
麻烦你开门 这样我就不用大吼了
办不到
- 开门对你有好处 - 你等一下
普兰克来找你说有好处要给你
我不管他是何方神圣 今天就是不准进来
等等，我错的话纠正我
我们不是在做生意吗？ 现在生意上门了
错了，这种瘟神不惹也罢
他没问题的 他现在都大批买货
我们至少可以赚上几千磅
你怎么说，温士顿？
下不为例
你带着钱从后面出去
要是他知道你在这里 他会在这里赖上一天
快把这里整理一下
- 现在吗？ - 当然
快点解决他
马上来
他在搞什么鬼？
快点，我可不想等上一天
来了
我还以为你会让我等一整天
我不晓得是你还是搬家的
活到老学到老
铁门怎么上锁了？
以后都是这样，世风日下 不小心也不行
我知道
闭嘴，再说一句话 我就轰掉你的右耳
接下来就是左耳
你搞什么鬼，普兰克？
你说呢？
你又在做什么？快开门
快上…
- 你在搞什么鬼？ - 别急，我拿到钥匙了
铁门锁上了，我真不敢相信
- 你把这娘娘腔怎么样了？ - 我没碰他，他自己昏倒了
把门关起来 你希望大家都看见我们吗？
那里怎么回事？
该死的
查尔斯，去拿枪
我们被人耍了
一定是这把
把它放下
普兰克，把钥匙给我
枪别对着我，对着里面
我居然找了一群白痴共事
该死
那是什么？
这是我的枪
你为什么不带点 比较实用的来？
不准动，否则我就杀了你们
你要杀谁？里面根本没有人
他们开枪射我
回敬他们啊
天啊，普兰克 烟怎么这么大？
我什么都看不到了
我中弹了
我真不敢相信 拜托你们别再中弹了
坐下，把伤口压住
白痴，这是空气枪
- 那是什么鬼东西？ - 是我的枪
你敢再开枪 我就宰了你，懂吗？
不准回嘴，你开枪就死定了
这件事让我头痛死了 我他妈的枪呢？
麻烦各位注意一下 首先我要射掉他的脚趾
他的脚趾已经被轰烂了
如果你们希望 我在五分钟内离开的话
就开门，否则我就轰掉他的腿
我们开门就死定了
我们不开门，阿杰就完了 他可不是闹着玩的
快点，我快没耐性了
一切都没事…
威利，他不知道你在这儿 你快想个办法
你的同党也全出来，这才乖
我们只有三个人
我不相信，我要轰掉他的腿
我说的是真的 真的只有我们三个
- 普兰克 - 对
另一个人出去了
开门
快起来，乖孩子
约翰，把他们绑起来
- 普兰克，钱在哪里？ - 在那些鞋盒里
在哪里？
- 在后面 - 大麻呢？
也在后面
- 指给我们看 - 用什么指？
用你的手，快点
我被绑住了
那就用头
你去看看
普兰克，叫保罗去发动车子
刀子
我要砍他，我要确定他死了
你好吗？
你说我好不好 他差点把我的手砍下来
我的天啊
我的天啊，这里是怎么回事？
闭嘴
犹太圣诞节
别呆呆地站在那儿 你的袋子装得下吗？
很多耶
我的车装不下这座森林
我不要听这种话 就算跑两趟也要全载走
你已经吃罚单了 不快开走我们就把你的车吊走
- 我马上好 - 你已经停了15分钟
- 过来看看 - 看什么？
- 我已经装了一半的货 - 那又怎样？
- 货装满后，我要把你装上去 - 什么？
然后我就走人
你这次能够多拿一袋吗？
不行，我的脖子好痛
- 还有几袋？ - 不多了
米克，你死了吗？
等我修理完他之后就会没事的
别太大声
该说再见了
她是从哪儿冒出来的？
把她绑起来，我们走吧
你在干嘛，艾德？
- 要不要？ - 我他妈的不要
现在还泡什么茶？
大英帝国就是靠茶起家的
是啊，结果有什么下场？
如果你认为我没有来一杯 就上战场，你就大错特错了
上什么战场？
你这白痴是不是忘了带枪？
你们逃不掉的
那是什么？
交通警察
我知道，他在车上干嘛？
他正要叫拖车来
很好，我们待会儿再来处置他
- 情况如何，汤姆？ - 很好
等我处理好计程车再说
保持联络
你们跑不跑飞机场？
我们要躲在哪儿？
别把事情搞得太复杂 躲起来就是了
可以了
- 好重啊 - 闭嘴，退后
转身
该死的
趴下
把他们手绑起来，嘴巴帖起来
你给我坐下
趴在桌上
马上把钥匙给我
你逃不了的
- 当然，亲爱的 - 我会找到你的
你以为这是躲猫猫吗？
搜他的身
等你把帅哥处理好后 到车上来会合
还蛮顺利的嘛
等我冷静下来再告诉你们
贝肯，去看看我们抢到了什么
我们来看看吧
这次中大奖了
这里大麻多得数不清
还有一大堆钱
和一个交通警察
什么？
天啊，艾德 我们车上有个交通警察
他还活着
他好像在流血
- 他们抓个交通警察干嘛？ - 我不知道
不过我们不需要他
把他打昏丢出去
打昏他？什么意思？用什么？
我不知道，用点想像力嘛
不是摸他，是揍昏他
小心我揍昏你 你要打昏他就自己动手
我最恨交通警察
你该去拜访一下 我们的年轻朋友了，克利斯
明天就是期限，他还没有消息
- 我可不能坐视不管 - 对
- 我不能呆坐在这里等他还钱吧 - 你不能
我等得都发火了
- 我不能发火，对吧？ - 没错
好了
我们走吧
艾德，你觉得把这些东西 搬到你家去好吗？
我们只能带到我家去 他们绝对不会去那儿找
反正我们已经得手了 打胜仗了
汤姆，你把这些 拿去给胖子尼克
然后我们尽快脱手
这些是最好的货了
好，我们买了
不过半价
他会不爽的 你开价一公斤三千五很公道
那是我昨天开的价 现在已经是今天了
我们明天出半价
如果他想尽快脱手，就得买帐
赛车待会儿就开始了 你不介意的话…
蓝尼，把这些货拿去给 白雪公主和三个小科学家看
我要听听他们的意见
有点不对，闻起来好臭啊
是你的古龙水
去你的
天啊，救救我
我痛死了
- 进去的时候小心点 - 你去死，你先走
快进去
我要你们搜搜这里有没有窃听器 要仔细地搜
搜干嘛，就算有 也早就被他们带走了
现在动脑有点太迟了吧
任何蛛丝马迹都不能放过
等你们搜完这里之后 我要你们严刑拷打路上的人渣
我要知道是谁干的 否则唯你们是问
收获不错
那堆钱可以打发哈利了
- 还剩多少？ - 让我数数
这些毒品怎么办？
你们要不要来一口？
我才不要抽那种鬼东西
赶快数完好去喝酒
我们射中其中一个的喉咙
你要我颁奖给你吗？
要是我的货拿不回来 我就要射中你的喉咙
被你打中的那个人 还在那里吗？
不，那是另一个
那还差不多，他在哪儿？
被他们带走了，他还没死
你是用什么枪打他 空气枪吗？
我们是种大麻的，不是佣兵
可不是
会是谁？ 我们要从哪儿下手，罗伊？
叫我贝克先生 今天我叫贝克先生
你认为这是巧合吗？
那个人偷我的货 还想卖回来给我
他比你还蠢，蓝尼
马上去把那个死胖子尼克抓来 如果他还傻得还待在这星球的话
你的愚蠢也许正好救你一命
少来这套，希腊小子
你那些不知死活的同党
居然笨到 想把我自己的大麻卖给我
这是向我宣战吗？
这是我们黑人听不懂的 白人笑话吗？
因为我觉得他妈的一点都不好笑 尼可拉斯
我想你大概不知道我的地位
因为你没有傻到 搔着屁股回到这儿来
还装着一副什么都不懂的样子
但是你知道这些浑球住在哪儿
你敢骗我，我就杀了你
如果你敢耍我 或我认为你在耍我
我也杀了你
如果你忘了，我也会杀了你
事实上你要很努力 才能保住小命
我说的话你听懂了没？
因为如果你不懂，我就杀了你
希腊先生，现在开口说吧
我们有麻烦了，对不对？
是的
事实上 我们这次麻烦大了，对不对？
这是麻烦中的麻烦 事情为什么会这么棘手
是因为你们连谁下的手 都不知道是吧？
我们忙了一整个晚上
不是这里的人干的 我们全查过了
如果是这里的人干的 我们会知道的
你们知道？
搞不好就是隔壁邻居干的 去找他们，我不想再看到你们
疤面煞星
我看过这电影
你想知道怎么贩毒 就要看疤面煞星
这倒让我们有了不少信心
这个罗伊贝克…
矮黑人罗伊贝克？
- 没错，就是他 - 我听说过他，他是个疯子
如果他付得起我们要的价钱 就不会耍我们
因为他知道 我们会让他吃不了兜着走
如果为了五十万 我宁愿吃不了兜着走
你为了占便宜什么都愿意做
- 你越胖就越可悲 - 你们能不能别打情骂悄了
我们还钱给哈利之后 每个人还可以分到20万镑
一个早上有这样的进帐 蛮不错的
- 钱在他们手上 - 毒品也是
数数看
好多钱啊 你不想到隔壁数吗？
我们把它们处理好前不要回去
我们到楼上数
我可不希望进来 看到你们在揩油
阿狗，听着…
居然敢太岁头上动土
把枪准备好 等他们开门就开枪
把枪给他们，你用你自己的
- 干嘛？ - 这样接电话不太好吧
是你吗，狄恩？
不，我是劳德鲁坎 不是我还会有谁？
有什么可以效劳的？
还记得我卖给你的枪吗？ 还给我
不太可能 我不会再见到那些枪了
我可以付你钱
我相信，但你不懂 我不会再见到买枪的人了
- 要不回来了 - 那就没办法了
你们一定要把枪要回来
我们说好柜子里的东西归你
我才不管 去把枪拿回来，否则…
否则怎样？
你没有听过 哈利隆斯戴尔的大名吗？
又称“印第安斧哈利” 现在是007有需要知道的时候了
和魔鬼共舞时 只能等着音乐结束
知道我的意思吧？
找到他们，拷问他们 杀了他们
把该我的东西拿还给我 否则你们家人就完了
- 那是谁？ - 那就是印第安斧哈利
天啊，我听过这个人
我们惨了 我们卖掉的枪是他的
我们非找到枪不可
别废话了，尼克，枪在哪儿？
路边有六只黑公鸡和一只白猫
我们这次要干得漂亮
要把伦敦搞得天翻地覆 我要血染他们的巢穴
有个妓女站在街角 一个侏儒带着皮箱过来…
温士顿要跟我们一起 看看能不能指认他们
你们要提高警觉
这些傢伙还颇有军火 而且下手不会迟疑
我把她的裤子脱下来…
- 大家都知道自己的任务了吗？ - 知道了
怎么回事？
你是不是有东西要给我？
快点交出来
多谢了
- 枪在他手上，快去抢 - 为什么要我去？
- 你不是很狠吗… - 你去拿枪我负责开车
好孩子
- 去抢枪 - 我不干，你去
把枪包起来，数钱
系安全带
我们不去拿枪就死定了
所以我上了在咳嗽的那个
你给我下车
他就是被我打中脖子的那个
是吗，植物学先生？
天啊
- 我真不敢相这里是怎么回事？ - 天啊
钱和毒品…
惨了，没有钱没有毒品 全被一堆尸体取代了
别慌张，让我们好好想想
你去想吧 我要慌张地离开这里
你这枪是哪里来的？
是那些年轻人的
我知道你喜欢这种东西 所以带来给你看你要不要
我要了
- 拿钱的时候很辛苦吗？ - 不特别辛苦，但触怒了几个人
- 你数过了吗？ - 一镑也不差
- 他们本来就打算付钱啰？ - 好像是的
但谁晓得 但大好机会就在眼前
根据我的经验 这种机会不可白白放过
干得好，克利斯
我们非拿到枪不可
那太危险了，我们不知道 住在里面的人是谁
我才不管，我只知道 我不想死在哈利手下
说得好，我们上吧
哈利隆斯戴尔 色情之王
这样做不太好吧
不然酒吧和我们的手指就完了
我打电话给他 他才不在乎呢
- 他当然会在乎 - 那钱本来就是他的
至于他关不关心我们 就是另一回事了
电话拿来
喂，是你吗，小子？
没错，我是艾德
今天该付钱了，对吧
- 没错，我要跟你谈谈这件事 - 我想也是
我收到50万镑 表示有人损失了50万
你惹火了不少人 但那不是我的事
我关心的是你手上那两把枪
我要跟你谈谈它们的事
现在马上给我滚过来，我是说现在
浑蛋，这个该死的浑蛋
你他妈的在这里干什么？
干得好 我们这一票赚了不少钱
儿子？
发了一笔小财是吧？ 我要的东西在哪里？
你没事吧？
很好笑，我的东西在哪儿？
我放在办公室里
如果你想保住你儿子的小命 就和我到办公室走一趟
快点
很公平
你要去哪儿？
开车30秒，走路要五分钟
而且我不想把车停在这儿 会吃罚单的
我想你不在乎，对吧？
- 小心点 - 好
- 你和我 - 你和谁？
你知道怎么开门，汤姆
别又来了
我受够了，我要走了
汤姆，那是我们的袋子
- 艾德 - 等等
这是我们的袋子
我们走吧
- 我们车上见，我还要拿枪 - 别闹了
- 我们车上见 - 汤姆
一下就好
怎么回事？
我不知道，不过我知道 没有哈利了
这表示我们也不再欠债
没有欠债就没有麻烦
我们和邻居之间没有纠纷 因为他们都死了
我相信这表示我们没做错事 而且可以安全脱身
从来没有人向你对我他妈的这么 没有礼貌
你这个该死的笨蛋
你没事吧？
你这个小浑蛋
汤姆这下子进退两难
但是克利斯不得不面对 他拿着装满子弹猎枪的事实
但是汤姆也不得不面对 自己子弹没有上膛的窘境
在双方都不太丢脸的情况下 汤姆从侧门走了
克利斯带着钱走了 其他的人则被全数被捕
- 我也搞不清楚这是怎么一回事 - 他不是他们一伙的
你爸想跟你说话，艾德
其他人呢？
他们昨天就被放出来了 现在在酒吧
- 爸，你还好吧？ - 我很好，你呢？
我很好
- 不过很想喝一杯 - 待会儿再说吧
你脱身了吗？
更重要的是我脱身了吗？
- 看起来是这样 - 看起来？
“看起来”他妈的不够好
所有人都死光了 这样还不够好吗？
- 现在可以喝酒了吗？ - 你知道酒吧在哪儿
别坐得太舒服 这个座位是艾伦的
你还活着就算走运了 更别提还能走路
我建议你享受一下走路的乐趣
你可真慢条斯理
你死到哪儿去了？
坐下来，我告诉你
交通警察指认了我们邻居的尸体 所以我们大概没事了
唯一会牵扯到我们的 是那两把枪
汤姆已经处理掉了
没错吧，汤姆？
我要和你谈谈这件事
- 那就谈啊 - 事实上我没有处理掉
它们还在车上
我本来想把它们卖回去给尼克 但联络不到他
你这个笨蛋
我们唯一涉案的证据 就在你停在外面的车上？
我花了七百块不想就这样丢掉
而且他们很难 追踪到我们对吧？
你认为为了七百镑 冒险值得吗？
汤姆，你是个笨蛋
- 现在你去把枪丢到河里 - 顺便一起跳下去
听我说…
- 现在就去 - 现在就去
- 老爸，给我一瓶啤酒 - 我很忙，自己拿
看来印第安斧哈利 是低估了你们
为此他付出惨痛的代价 我不会犯相同的错误
所以决定把袋子还给你们
你们想说的应该是“谢谢”吧
谢谢
你们让我现在面临了一个难题
我的老板死了 我还得养活自己和儿子
如果你们觉得不公平的话 可以来找我
但是最好让我看到 你们高举的白旗
否则那将会是 你们找我的最后一次
明白吗？
我要说的就是这些
还有一件事
整个过程令我激动
现在我们正式进入 放高利贷的行列
知道吗，儿子？
系好安全带，我们要走了
是空的
- 汤姆的电话几号？ - 汤姆的电话几号？
别占线，我来打电话给他
电话没电了
我来拨，冷静点
闭嘴，让我拨号
安静点，电话响了
杰森佛莱明饰汤姆 尼克摩蓝饰艾迪
戴斯特费雪饰肥皂 杰森史坦汉饰贝肯
编导：盖伊李奇
制片：马修梵高
剧终 谢谢收看
Right, let's sort the buyers from the spyers,
the needy from the greedy,
and those who trust me from the ones who don't.
Because if you can't see value here today,
you're not up here shopping, you're up here shoplifting.
You see these goods?
Never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite
or Fanny by the gaslight.
Take a bag. Come on, take a bag.
I took a bag home last night,
and it cost me a lot more than ￡10, I can tell you.
Anyone like jewelry?
Look at that one there. Handmade in Italy, hand stolen in Stepney.
It's as long as my arm. I wish it was as long as something else.
Don't think 'cause these boxes are sealed up they're empty.
The only man who sells empty boxes is the undertaker.
And by the look of some of you lot here today,
I'd make more money with me measuring tape. Here, one price.
￡10. Did you say ￡10?
BACON: Are you deaf?
That's a bargain. I'll take one.
Squeeze in if you can. Left leg, right leg, your body will follow.
They call it walking. You want one as well, darling?
You do. That's it, they're waking up.
Treat the wife, treat somebody else's wife.
It's a lot more fun if you don't get caught.
Hold on, you want one as well?
Okay, darling, show me a bit of life then.
It's no good standing out there like 1:00 half struck.
Buy them, you better buy them!
These are not stolen, they just haven't been paid for.
And we can't get them again, they've changed the bloody locks.
Here, one for you. It's no good coming back later
when I've sold out.
"Too late, too late!" will be the cry
when the man with the bargains has passed you by.
And if you've got no money on you now,
you'll be crying tears as big as October cabbages.
Bacon, cozzers.
BACON: Shit.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
ALAN: Ed can hustle a few quid here and there,
but his real talent lies in cards and gambling with cards.
Bacon could see that his days of selling
moody goods on street corners are numbered.
It's time to move on and he knows it.
TOM: And I'm 6'1 ", that's perfect for my height, all right?
NICK: All right, you take a photo. You're catching up with me, you are.
Look, what are you talking about? I'm bloody skinny, pal.
Yeah, yeah, of course you are. All right?
Nick the Greek, always a pleasure.
Tom, what have you been eating?
I've been telling him this. .. Enough already.
You two, join me in my office.
So, how much is it then, Tom?
You know how much it is, Nick.
And that includes the amp, yeah?
No, that does not include the amp.
Shit, Tom, I thought it included the amp.
Well, it doesn't.
I'll throw in one of these telephones if you like,
but it does not include the amp.
Very nice.
I hope it includes the speakers.
It doesn't include the speakers,
it doesn't include the amp,
and it's not supposed to include me
getting the hump with your stupid questions.
Now you want it, Nick, you buy it.
What else do I get with it?
You get a gold-plated Rolls-Royce,
as long as you pay for it.
Don't know, Tom. Seems expensive.
Seems? Well, this seems to be a waste of my time.
That is 900 nicker in any shop you're lucky enough to find one in,
and you're complaining about 200?
What school of finance did you study?
It's a deal, it's a steal. It's the sale of the fucking century.
In fact, fuck it, Nick, I think I'll keep it.
All right, all right, keep your Alans on.
Here's a ton.
Jesus Christ. You could choke a dozen donkeys on that.
And you're haggling over ￡100?
What do you do when you're not buying stereos, Nick?
Finance revolutions?
￡100 is still ￡100.
Not when the price is ￡200, it's not.
And certainly not when you got Liberia's deficit in your sky rocket.
Tighter than a duck's butt you are. Now come on,
let me feel the fiber of your fabric.
ALAN: The skinny one is Tom,
and he's the entrepreneur of the bunch.
He's got a couple of dirty little fingers in a couple of dirty little pies.
Nick, here, however, has made it his business
to have all 20 fat little fingers and toes
in every dirty bent and stolen pie in London.
Between the two of them, there ain't much you can't get ahold of.
(SNIFFS)
That's my 25 grand, it's all there.
It took me a long time to earn that, so you treat it with respect.
What about the chef?
TOM: What have you come as?
Cupid, stupid.
That's the last time I'm getting any more fruit off of you, Tom.
Do you call that fresh?
There was more small, hairy armored things
in your fruit than there was fruit.
You should open a butcher's, not a grocer's.
Well, if you will order stuff from Katmandu,
don't be surprised if it picks up a few tourists en route.
Anyway, enough about that.
Where's the money?
Oi!
Keep your fingers out of my soup.
ALAN: Soap is called Soap because he likes to keep his hands clean
of any unlawful behavior.
He's proud of his job and even more proud that it's legal.
He represents the more sensible side of the four.
You sure you can afford 25?
That depends on how you look at it.
I can afford it as long as I see it again, if that's what you mean.
Got the rest from the fat man and Bacon?
Fat man, Bacon and myself.
Looks like it's time to make that call to Harry.
Who's this fat man then, eh?
Eh?
Do you want a sandwich, Bacon?
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
ALAN: It's not easy to take a seat at this card table.
The amount of money involved has to be 100 grand upwards,
and there's no shortage of punters.
The man who decides whether you can play or not is this man, Harry.
Or as some, including himself, like to call him, Hatchet Harry.
You got it all?
100 grand.
Well, if you got it, you got it.
Now, if you don't mind. ..
What's this Eddie like, then?
He's a fucking thief.
ALAN: Harry has a colleague, a monster of a man, Barry the Baptist.
The Baptist got his name by drowning people for Hatchet.
Are you gonna fucking pay? Yeah, I'll pay!
How are you gonna fucking pay? I'm gonna pay it.
ALAN: Barry makes sure the administrative side of the business runs harmoniously.
The boy's got a rare ability.
He seems to make cards transparent.
He's got. ..
All right, all right, so we can say he's good.
Oh, no, he's better than good.
He's a fucking liability.
Here, hold on. What do you think of these?
We're selling hundreds.
Very nice, Harry.
What's it for?
Oh, don't play innocent with me, Bazza. Spanking.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
There's 25 from me, Tom, Soap and yourself.
That's 100 grand to the pound.
So why the fuck are you counting it?
Because I like to.
So, a reasonable return should be in the region of 120 grand.
That's for 25 grand invested, going on previous experience.
Going on optimism.
Whatever it's going on, it should be enough to send you on a cooking course.
You're not funny, Tom. You're fat.
And look as though you should be, but you're not.
Fat? Who are you calling. . . Jesus!
It's good in here, isn't it?
Handy for the tube, great electrics.
I can see why you moved in.
Don't knock it, it's cheap like the budgie.
And nobody wants to live next to the people we live next to.
(CHUCKLING) A bit anti-social to say the least.
What do you mean?
He means they're thieving bastards.
I mean, when they're not picking peanuts out of poop,
they rip off unfortunate souls of their hard-earned drugs.
Not exactly thick, these walls.
MAN: Nice work, John. Get yourself a drink.
Is that it?
How many times do I have to tell you, Plank?
You find us a job worth doing, you'll find your share improving.
Now, have you got a problem with that?
(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)
You know, Charles, this gear is getting heavier.
(COUGHS)
I have a strong suspicion we should've been rocket scientists
or Nobel Peace Prize winners
or something.
Peace Prize?
Be lucky to find your penis for a piss the amount you keep smoking.
(DOORBELL BUZZING)
Who the hell's that?
All right, Willie?
Does it look like I'm all right?
Take this.
I'm in danger of breaking sweat at any second.
WINSTON: Charles, why have we got that cage?
Security?
That's right.
That's right, security.
So what's the point in having it if we're not gonna fucking use it?
Well, I would have used it, Winston, but this is Willie.
And Willie lives here.
Yes, Charles, but you didn't know it was Willie
until you opened the door, did you?
Chill, Winston.
It's me. Charlie knows it's me.
What's the problem?
The problem is, Willie,
that Charles and yourself are not the quickest of cats
at the best of times. So just do as I say
and keep the fucking cage locked!
What is that?
That's Gloria. Yes, I know that's Gloria.
What's that?
Fertilizer.
You went out six hours ago to buy a money counter,
and you come back with a semi-conscious Gloria and a bag of fertilizer?
Alarm bells are ringing, Willie.
We need fertilizer, Winston.
We also need a money counter.
This money's gotta be out by Thursday.
I'm buggered if I'm gonna count it.
And if you do have to buy sodding fertilizer,
could you just be a little more subtle?
What do you mean?
We grow copious amounts of ganja, yeah?
Yeah.
And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer.
You don't look like your average horti-fucking-culturalist.
That's what I mean, Willie.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
How long's he been in there, Son?
About 20 minutes.
He's on his own?
Yeah, just carrying a bag.
All right, let's pay him a little visit then, shall we?
ALAN: Big Chris settles debts for Harry.
The only thing he cares more about than an unsettled debt,
is his son and heir, Little Chris.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
Shh!
This is one of them high-powered jobs, isn't it?
(GROANING)
Got some bad news for you, John.
What the fuck. ..
You mind your language in front of the boy.
Jesus Christ.
That includes blasphemy as well.
Now tell me, John, how can you be concentrating
and it is a lovely tan by the way,
when you've got more pressing priorities at hand?
Tell Harry. ..
I mean Mr. Harry,
I've been busy. I'm nearly there.
Check his locker, Son.
JOHN: I don't suppose there's any chance
of you lifting this sun bed up, Chris, is there?
He's not poor.
He's got over a monkey here,
and that's just in his wallet.
Fucking hell, John,
you always walk around with that in your pocket?
Oi!
You use language like that again, Son, you'll wish you hadn't.
Sorry, Dad.
Right, well, put the rest of the stuff in that.
You can go home in a plastic bag tonight, John.
You owe what you owe,
and by the time this tan's faded,
you wanna have paid.
You never would have paid.
Who would pay for shit?
Yeah, exactly. I mean we ain't too certain. ..
Well, what the hell are you doing here?
Why, what's up?
Let me guess. My foot in your arse.
Game of cards? Hatchet Harry?
You're supposed to be getting your rest in, boy.
You playing cards tonight, Son?
With Harry?
Don't be silly, Dad.
I wouldn't have anything to do with that.
HARRY: Where did he get 100 grand?
He's got some adhesive mates.
I mean they're like brothers.
They've tossed up between them.
And JD is his dad and owns the whole property?
No mortgage, no debts.
Lock, stock, the fucking lot.
Don't you worry, Harry. I've got it under control.
Good. You can get this under control now.
It seems that Lord Appleton Smythe has run out of money.
And these little beauties are up for auction.
But I'm not paying a quarter of a million quid for them,
if you know what I mean, Barry.
Make sure we get everything from inside the gun cabinet.
I don't wanna know who you use,
as long as they're not complete muppets.
And don't tell them what they're worth, Barry.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
Right, where was we?
Shotguns? What, like guns that fire shot?
You must be the brains, then.
That's right, guns that fire shots.
Make sure you bring everything from inside the gun cabinet.
There'll be a load of old guns. That's all I want.
Everything else outside the cabinet,
you can keep. It's yours.
Thank you very much.
There'd better be something there for us.
It's a fucking stately home.
Of course there'll be something there.
DEAN: Like what?
Like fucking antiques.
Antiques? What the fuck do we know about antiques?
We rob post offices. And steal cars.
What the fuck do we know about antiques, mate?
If it looks old, it's worth money. Simple.
So stop fucking moaning and rob the place.
So who's the guv? Who are we doing this for?
You're doing it for me, is all you need to know.
You know because you need to know.
I see.
One of those on-a-need-to-know-basis things, is it?
Like one of those James Bond films.
Careful, remember who's giving you this job.
Right, I'm off.
Call me when you're done. Ta-ta.
Fucking Northern monkeys!
I hate these fucking Southern fairies.
ALAN: Ed has been playing cards since he could lift them up,
and he soon discovered that he had a big advantage.
It's not that he's good with cards or even good at counting them.
It's that he's good with reading people's reactions, no matter how subtle.
And everybody has reactions,
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) especially when it comes to money.
Invitations.
Invitations?
Yeah, invitations.
You know, four pretty white pieces of paper with your names on them?
Well, we've got 100,000 bits of paper
with the Queen's head on them.
Will that do?
All right, just you.
The others, they can wait next door in Samoan Jo's.
Samoan Jo's? You mean the pub?
Hold on. .. Hold on to your fucking tongue,
and I will hold onto my patience, okay, sonny?
No one in here tonight but card players, and I do mean no one.
Evening, Frazer. Don, Phil.
It's a bit dramatic, isn't it?
Is this supposed to be symbolic?
Apparently, it's for security.
Yeah? I'd have brought me gloves if I'd have known.
You must be Eddie, JD's son.
You must be Harry.
Sorry, didn't know your father.
Never mind, son.
You just might meet him if you carry on like that.
Evening, Tanya, been a while.
All right, Ed?
(SCREAMING)
Right, we call each other Kenny, okay, Gary?
All right, Kenny.
You gonna put your stocking on, or what?
I've just spent 220 quid on me hair.
If you think I'm pulling a stocking over it,
you're very much mistaken.
You're gonna have to put something on.
This is three card brag, gentlemen.
That means three three's are the highest,
then three aces, then running down accordingly.
Then it's a running flush, a run, a flush and then a pair.
An open man can't see a blind man,
and it will cost you twice the ante to see your opponent.
Now don't fuck around, fellas. You all know the rules,
and you know I won't stand for it.
(CLOCK CHIMING)
(SOFTLY) What are you doing? Put that back.
We're here to rob the guns.
Put it back. It's crap anyway.
Come on. Come in.
(CHATTERING ON TV)
What sort of pub is this, then?
It's a Samoan pub.
What's that?
It's a cocktail. You asked for a cocktail.
No, I asked you to give me a refreshing drink.
I wasn't expecting a fucking rain forest.
You could fall in love with an orangutan in that.
You want a pint, go to the pub.
I thought this was a pub.
It's a Samoan pub.
Well, whatever it is, can you get your man to turn the TV down?
You can ask him if you like. If I was you, I'd leave him well alone.
Here, get rid of that. Bring us a Diet Coke.
Excuse me, can you turn that TV down?
No.
(ALL WHOOPING)
(GROANING)
DEAN: Whoa, whoa, Kenny!
What are you doing?
I am trying to find out where they keep their money!
You twat, can't you see these people have got no money?
They can't even afford new furniture.
We've got the guns. What's the matter with you?
Every time we do a job, you have to go burning people's feet.
What's wrong with you?
You wanna be more careful, old fella.
You very nearly took my man's head clean off with that.
You all right, Kenny?
Kenny?
10 grand, blind.
20 grand, open.
Deep end, eh?
Fold.
BARRY: Gotcha.
20 grand, open.
I'll fold.
Don't go spending that all at once, boy.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Oh, bloody hell.
What?
I thought you said there'd be no staff, Barry.
Did you get those guns?
You wanna see what they did to poor Gary?
Gary. Gary.
I said, did you get those guns?
Yes! We got them!
Good. I'll speak to you later.
Gary, if you can hear me, get back in the car now, mate, okay?
Barry. Barry.
Fucking Southern shandy-drinking bastard ! Gary!
(ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYING)
Give me my money!
Give me back my money, you fucking snake!
You give me my money!
Give me back my money! Give it back!
Wankers!
Come on, you. Not now, please. Not now.
Oh, you fucking bastard.
(EXCLAIMING)
You bastard.
Oh, my good God.
We'll take you to the cleaners.
20 grand, open.
￡30,000.
Back to you already, Eddie.
50 grand.
80 grand.
100 grand.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Look, fellas, I know. ..
I know you're not in.
Which means no one cares what you know.
250.
That's quite a raise.
That's 150 on my 100.
Yeah, and is there anything else you wanna say?
As you know, this puts us in an awkward position.
I don't have enough to continue.
We will have to see both your cards
if no one loans Eddie the money to continue.
It's a loan or we see both your cards.
I will.
You will what?
I will loan you the money.
No, I think I'd rather just turn them over.
I'm not interested in what you would rather.
I wanna keep going.
I'm also offering you the money.
So we don't have to turn them over, because you can borrow.
I need 250 grand.
No, you need 500 grand to see me.
That's if I want to see you.
Well, you're gonna have a problem carrying on, ain't you?
I'll see you.
Okay, before I loan you this
I expect, if you lose, of course,
my money back within a week. Crystal?
That's Sunday, okay?
Is that it?
Now let's see his fucking cards.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(RETCHING)
Hello, boy. Feeling a bit poorly?
I know your friends are responsible
for most of the cash.
So, I'm gonna give you one week to find it.
Otherwise, I will take a finger
off each of you and your friends' hands
for every day that passes without payment.
And then when you run out of digits,
your dad's bar, and who knows what then.
All right, my son?
This doesn't look good.
ALAN: He then proceeded to explain
the unfortunate position they were in.
Harry was going to start sizing up all their fingers in a week,
because he knew there was no way Ed could settle that debt on his own.
Harry saw it as their money on the table, so it was also their debt off the table.
Ed would hate admit it,
but he could have kissed the old bastard for that.
If he said he wanted to settle the debt on his own, it would have been a lie.
Now, I wish to Christ he would have let me settle the debt on my own.
I'm gonna kill him!
Stop fucking about, Tom,
and think about what we're gonna do. Now sit down.
What's all the fuss about Harry?
Why don't we just boycott the payment?
Let me tell you about Hatchet Harry.
BACON: Once there was this geezer called Smithy Robinson
who worked for Harry,
but it was rumored that he was on the take.
Harry's invited Smithy round for an explanation.
Smithy didn't do a very good job. Within a minute,
Harry's lost his rag, reached out for the nearest thing at hand,
which happened to be a 15-inch black rubber cock.
He then proceeded to batter poor Smithy to death with it.
Now that was seen as a pleasant way to go.
Hence, Hatchet Harry is a man you pay if you owe.
Don't worry, I'll think of something.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
"Golf. The best way to spoil a good walk."
Winston Churchill said that.
I say it's a dog-eat-dog world,
and I've got bigger teeth than you two.
(GORDON GRUNTING)
I think our friend is trying to tell us something.
Perhaps not. Perhaps I should take another swing just to make sure.
Give me a five iron, John.
Certainly, Dog.
Now, keep still.
Yes, Gordon, is there something you'd like to tell us?
It's in the fireplace.
Shut it, you idiot!
Yes, Gordon, you were saying?
It's in the fireplace. Just pull it out. It's in the bottom.
It's in the fireplace, Plank. Just pull it out. It's in the bottom.
Oh, Dog, I think you want to have a look at this.
You gonna let me down now?
DOG: No.
I'm not finished with you yet.
Steel.
Help, help, help!
Oh, Dog.
WOMAN ON TV: It's all up to you, audience.
You have to decide, yes, you have to decide
(DOORBELL BUZZING) who the winner is going to be.
Who the hell's that? It's only 12:00.
Use the cage, that's what it's there for.
Who is it?
We have got security for a reason, Willie.
Chill, Winston. It's only Plank.
This weed's getting quite a rep, you know, fellas.
All right? Easy. Jesus!
Never saw you there.
Hello, love. Enjoying yourself?
Is she compos?
What do you think?
Boo!
PLANK: Fuck me.
Clean that up, Charles.
Sod you. You clean it up.
Sorry, fellas, but that stupid cow scared the fucking life out of me!
Never mind. Can you just sit down?
Stay out of the way?
Look, how much is it you want?
I'm after a half weight.
Right, well, that's ￡1,500 then.
Pass the scales, Willie.
Give us some gear, J.
Any chance of actually seeing the money?
The odds are 100-to-one.
All as we need is 5 grand.
I'd rather put my money on a three-legged rocking horse.
The odds are 100-to-one for a good reason, Bacon.
You won't win.
Where's Eddie?
Where do you think?
The bottom of a bottle. And has been for two days.
It's hit him hard.
Yeah, it's hit us all hard.
Yeah, but he's got to tell his dad he's about to lose his bar.
Listen to this one. You open up a company
called Arse Ticklers Faggots Fan Club. You what?
You take out an advert in the back page of some gay mag,
advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos.
You sell it with, I don't know,
"Does what no other dildo can do until now.
"The latest and greatest in sexual technology.
"Guaranteed results or your money back." All that bollocks.
Now these dills cost 25 quid a pop.
That's a snip for the amount of pleasure they're gonna give the recipients.
But they send their checks to the other company name,
nothing offensive, Bobbie's Bits, or something, for 25 quid.
You take that 25 quid, you stick it in the bank until it clears.
Now this is the smart bit.
You send back the check for ￡25 from the other company name,
Arse Ticklers Faggots Fan Club, saying,
"We're sorry, and we couldn't get the supplies from America,
"because they've run out of stock."
Now you see how many people cash that check.
Not a single soul.
Because who wants their bank manager to know
they tickle arse when they're not paying in checks?
So how long do you have to wait till you see the return?
Probably no more than four weeks.
A month?
So what fucking good is that if we need it in six. ..
No, five days.
Well, it's still a good idea.
He may know we smoke a lot and burn a bit of profit,
but he can't have any idea how much hard currency we've accumulated.
I don't know. Do you know?
We can just slice it off the top.
WINSTON: You guys gotta realize who this chap is.
He might look a bit silly, but he's a fucking lunatic.
And if he gets the slightest inkling we're not throwing straight dice,
then you and me are gonna know what the sharp side of a kebab knife feels like.
So you know these geezers well?
PLANK: Well enough.
I've been buying gear off one of them for a couple of years.
So, what are they like then?
Poofs. Nothing heavy. Four public schoolboys. Soft as shite.
PLANK: They ponce around in funny hippy clothes all day, talking bollocks.
They're just good at growing weed, that's all.
Business has got bigger than what they can keep up with.
DOG: Well, they can't all be stupid, can they?
Think about it. They've got a container load of cash in shoeboxes.
They're selling class-A gear.
Don't you think there might be someone sensible involved?
What about security?
PLANK: There's one steel gate as you go in, but they never lock it.
What do you mean, never lock it?
What have they got it there for then?
I must have been there 50 times. It's never locked.
They're not suspicious.
Everyone who goes there's a toff.
They're all into that karma crap.
"If I don't harm nobody, nobody harms me" stuff.
No way they can get back to you?
Even if they could, they'd be too shit scared. I'm a geezer.
They got no muscle. Gutless faggots.
Fancy one?
What's all the flapping about?
You told the old man yet?
Hoping I won't need to.
I've got a plan. Now listen carefully.
Hello, boys.
Harry.
Do you want a drink?
Hello, my son, do you want a lolly?
Piss off, you nonce.
Oi ! Watch it.
No thanks, Harry. We're both all right.
Nice shooter.
Yeah, one of a pair.
Holland & Holland. Do you want to hold it?
No, not my thing. Thanks, Harry.
Business good? I imagine that's why I'm here.
Four young fellas got in deeper than they could handle.
They owe me half a million pound.
LITTLE CHRIS: How much?
Half a million.
I'm game.
Me, too.
Oh, God.
Right.
We hit them as soon as they come back.
We'll be prepared, waiting.
And they're armed.
What was that? Armed?
What do you mean, armed?
Armed with what?
Bad breath, colorful language, feather duster. ..
What do you think they're gonna be armed with?
Guns, you tit.
Guns? You never said anything about guns.
A minute ago this was the safest job in the world.
Now it's turning into a bad day in Bosnia.
Soap, stop being such a mincer.
I've thought about that and. ..
And what exactly?
And all we have to do is find out who's carrying them.
Carrying them? Well, they could all be carrying them for what we know.
No. Only one of them carries them going to the job.
So I assume the same one will be carrying them
when they come back from the job.
Oh, you assume, do you?
And what do they say about assumption being the brother of all fuck-ups?
It's the mother of all fuck-ups, stupid.
Well, brother, mother, any other sucker,
it don't make any difference.
They're still fucking guns, and they still fire fucking bullets.
Soap, if you have a better idea
how to get ￡500,000 in the next few days, let us know.
In the meantime, Tom, you talk to Nick the Bubble about shifting the weed.
Weed? No, it's not normal weed.
It's some fucked-up-skunk, class-A,
I-can't-think-let-alone-move shit.
Doesn't sound very good me.
No, neither me. But it depends what flicks your switch.
And the light is on and burning brightly for the masses.
Anyway, do you know anyone?
I know a man, yes.
Rory Breaker.
Not that madman with an Afro?
I don't want anything to do with him.
You won't have to. Just get me a sample.
No can do.
What's that? A place near Katmandu?
Meet me halfway, mate.
Look, it's all completely chicken soup.
It's what? It's kosher as Christmas.
Jews don't celebrate Christmas, Tom.
Yeah, well, never mind that. I'm gonna need some artillery, too.
Couple of sawn-off shotguns.
This is a bit heavy. This is London, not the Lebanon.
Who do you think I am?
I think you're Nick the Greek.
Hold those two.
I don't normally have anything to do with weed, Nick.
But if it is what he says it is,
I'll take it off him for 3.5 grand a key.
That is if it is what he says it is.
I don't want to see it after a sample,
I don't want to touch it after a sample.
I'll leave you in the capable hands of Nathan here.
He'll sort out the details.
But just let me tell you one thing.
If the milk turns out to be sour,
I ain't the kind of pussy to drink it.
Do you know what I mean?
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Rory Breaker.
Rory? Yeah, I know Rory.
He's not to be underestimated.
He's a funny looking fucker, I know.
But you've got to look past the hair and the cute cuddly thing.
It's all a deceptive facade.
A few nights ago, Rory's Roger iron rusted.
He's gone down the Battle Cruiser to watch the end of a football game.
No one's watching the custard, so he switches the channel over.
A fat geezer's north opens.
And he wanders up and turns the liza over.
"Now fuck off and watch it somewhere else."
Rory knows claret is imminent, but doesn't wanna miss the end of the game.
So calm as a coma, picks up a fire extinguisher,
walks straight past the jam rolls who are ready for action
and plonks it outside the entrance.
He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping-pong tiddly in the nuclear sub
and switches back to his footer.
"That's fucking it," says the geezer.
"That's fucking what?" says Rory.
And he gobs out a mouthful of booze covering Fatty.
He flicks a flaming match into his bird's nest,
and the geezer's lit up like a leaking gas pipe.
Rory, unfazed, turns back to his game. His team's won, too.
Four-nil.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Oi!
Is your hair supposed to look like that?
All right, short stuff?
Never mind "short stuff."
Listen, the next time we do a job like this,
we're gonna want more money, Barry.
Or we're going back to post offices and cars. Fuck that.
Where's the others?
There was no others.
Stop fucking around. The others, the old ones.
I don't know what you mean.
There were two old guns there.
Where are they now?
Not in the cabinet, there wasn't.
There was a couple of old hammer-lock muskets the butler was carrying.
But they were ours, we sold them.
Well, you better unsell them, sharpish.
We had to sell them. We needed the money!
I'm not fucking interested!
If you don't want to be counting the fingers you haven't got
I suggest you get those guns, quick!
Jesus.
If I pick them up, will they stay in one piece?
Where'd you get them?
I got contacts.
Listen, Tom, you point them at me,
I'll shit myself or do whatever you say to do.
Either way you get the desired effect.
Oh, they look very nice, I agree,
but they're lacking in criminal credibility, ain't they?
I might get laughed at.
How much do you want for these muskets?
￡700 each.
What's that? A pound for every year they've been about?
I know they're antiques, but I ain't paying antique prices.
They're a bit long, ain't they?
Sawn-offs are out. People want a bit more range these days.
Range?
I don't want to blow the arse out of this country, granted.
But I don't want anyone blowing a raspberry at me, either.
I want to look fucking mean.
Of course you'll look mean.
You'll look really scary.
Anyway, enough about that.
What about this geezer who sells drugs?
Rory Breaker's standing by.
You stand to make a lot of money, tubby Tommy.
BIG CHRIS: I understand if this has come as a bit of a shock,
but let me tell you how this can be resolved by you, the good father.
Go on.
He likes your bar.
Yes?
He wants your bar.
And?
Do you want me to draw you a picture?
Look, that boy doesn't know his arsehole from his ear hole.
This is my bar. It's got nothing to do with him.
What, and I care?
Remember, you do have the luxurious advantage
of being able to sustain your son's life.
And you do have a reputation, so I'll choose my words very carefully.
You tell Harry to go fuck himself.
Now,
I'll put that down to shock. Only once.
Only once can I or shall I let you get away with that.
Your son's got three days to find half a mil.
But make up your mind which you prefer,
your bar or your son.
DOG: Plank goes in first.
There's a cage, but it's never locked.
DOG: Is it, Plank? Never.
DOG: It don't wanna be.
All right, once he's got himself set, he gets the rest of us in.
(FEEDBACK SCREECHING) Now we get nasty with a couple of them.
Shit them up, gag them, whatever.
Now these wankers shouldn't give us any problems.
But like any cowboys, there'll be a few tools lying around.
When the job's done, we come straight back here and unload.
And Robert's your father's brother.
Everyone savvy?
ALL: Sweet.
Have a look at these.
And what are we supposed do with these?
Put them on your head, stupid.
Christ.
If you think I'm gonna turn up there clean-shaven and greet them
with a grin on my face, you got another thing coming.
Now these fellas, they're your neighbors.
I thought it might be a good idea to disguise ourselves a little.
Right. Yeah, good thinking, Soap. Well done.
I brought weapons as well.
Weapons? What do you mean, weapons?
(CLEARS THROAT)
These.
(EXCLAIMING) Jesus.
Let's keep them covered up, eh?
Couldn't you have got anything a bit bigger?
What, like that?
What do you think?
I think you need help.
Bar steward, can we have a couple of drinks, please?
Have you seen your dad? Hatchet sent one of his men around.
Oh, shit. When?
Crazy. ..
Where did you get these? A fucking museum?
Nick the Greek.
How much did you part with?
￡700 for the pair.
Drachmas, I hope.
I'd feel safer with a chicken drumstick.
These are gonna do more harm than good.
Jesus, Tom, do these work?
Don't know. Look nice though, don't they?
I rather like them.
That's top of the list of priorities, that is.
EDDIE: Ladies,
back to more important issues, if you don't mind.
We have only got two real guns.
Apparently, that's what they are.
So we find a good place to hide next door,
we wait till it sounds like the right time,
then we jack-in-the-box,
look nasty and stuff, cocoon them in gaffer tape,
nick their van, swap the gear into the new van and bring it all back here.
As long as we're all out of our hiding places quickly,
it's the last thing they're gonna expect.
Oh, and if Tom or anyone else for that matter
feels like giving them a bit of a kicking,
I'm sure it won't do any harm.
Yeah, little bit of pain never hurt anybody,
if you know what I mean.
Also, I think knives are a good idea.
Big, fuck-off, shiny ones.
Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile.
Knives are good because they don't make any noise.
And the less noise they make,
the more likely we are to use them.
Shit them right up.
Makes it look like we're serious.
Guns for show, knives for a pro.
Soap, is there something we should know about you?
I'm not sure what's more worrying,
the job or your past.
Come on, girls.
Where the fuck are they going? Shift a piano?
I thought this was meant to be a robbery.
Where did they get those outfits?
BOTH: Not a bad idea, that.
All right, it's Plank. Is Willie there?
No. I'm afraid he's not. He's out at the moment.
PLANK: Perhaps you can help.
Well, perhaps I can't, Plank, if you know what I mean.
Look. If you could just open the door,
so I could talk without shouting.
J: I can't help you, Plank.
I think you'll find it is in your interest.
Hold on, okay?
Look, Willie, it's Plank outside for you.
He says it's in our interest.
Listen, I don't care if it's King-fucking-Kong!
He's not coming in here, not today.
Hold on. We are in business, and correct me if I'm wrong,
but that is business.
Corrected. That's a walking accident that we can do without.
Jesus, he's okay. He knows only to buy weights now.
We're looking at at least a couple of thou.
What do you think, Winston?
Willie, this is the last time, all right?
But you and the money are going out the back.
If he knows you're here, he'll be all day.
Now just clear this shit up.
What, now? Yes. Now!
Just get rid of him quick.
All right, just coming.
What the fuck is he doing?
Come on, I can't wait out here all day.
J: All right, just coming.
I thought you was gonna leave me out there all day.
I didn't know you were a removals man, Plank.
Lives and learns, don't you?
You keep the gates locked now, do you?
Sorry, gotta do business like this now.
Can't be too careful these days.
I know. Shut it!
You say a fucking word, the right ear goes.
Another one, then your left.
What are you doing, Plank?
What do you think I'm doing?
Hang on, what are you doing?
Unlock the gate. All right, I said unlock the fucking gate!
That's it! Go, go, go! Fucking move!
What the fuck's going on?
Just hang on, I've got the keys.
The gate's locked! I don't believe the fucking gate's locked!
What have you done to Fauntleroy?
I didn't touch him. He just passed out.
Don't just stand there. Get that fucking door shut.
You want the world to see us?
(MEN ARGUING)
What's going on down there?
Shit.
Charles, get the rifle out.
We're being fucked.
It must be this one.
Hold that gun.
Plank, give me the keys. Give me the keys, Plank.
Don't point it at me, bollocks, point it in there.
DOG: Planks of wood. I'm working with fucking planks of wood.
Shit.
What the fuck is that? What the fuck's that?
It's me Bren gun.
Don't you think you could have brought something a little bit more practical?
Don't none of you slags move. I'll kill the fucking lot of you!
Who are you gonna kill, Plank? There's no one fucking there.
(SCREAMS)
They fucking shot me.
Well, shoot them back.
Jesus, Plank. Couldn't you have got smokeless cartridges?
I can't see a bloody thing.
(GROANS)
Shit.
I've been shot. I don't fucking believe this.
Could everyone stop getting shot?
DOG: John, sit down and patch yourself up.
You tart, it's a fucking air rifle.
What the fuck was that?
Well, that was the Bren gun.
If you fire that gun again,
you're a dead man. Understand? Dead.
No ifs, no buts, you're a fucking dead man!
All right, all right.
I've got the bollock ache with this. Where's me fucking gun?
All right, now that I've got your attention,
firstly I'm gonna blow his toes off.
(GUN FIRING)
(WHISPERING) Shit. DOG: There go his toes.
Now if you want me out of here in five minutes flat,
open the fucking gate,
'cause I'm gonna blow his leg off.
They're gonna fucking kill us if we do, man.
Poor J will certainly get it if we don't. He's serious.
I'm losing patience. Hurry up, girls.
WINSTON: It's all right. All fucking right.
Willie, he doesn't know you're here. Just. ..
Sort something out.
And all your friends, there's a good lad.
There's only three of us here.
I don't believe you. Fuck it, I'm gonna blow his leg off.
I mean it.
It's only three of us.
DOG: Plank?
Yeah. One of them is out.
Now open the gate.
(SIGHS)
(GROANING)
Up, up, up. There's a good lad.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
John, get them tied up.
Plank, where's the money?
There. In those shoeboxes.
Where? Out the back.
And the weed? Out the back.
Point. With what?
Your fucking hands, now.
I'm tied up.
Well, nod your head or something.
Check it out. Plank, get Paul out of that van, lively.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(SCREAMS)
(GUN FIRING)
Knife.
I'm gonna cut him. Make sure he knows he's dead.
How you doing, Mick? How do you think I'm doing?
He's fucking nearly chopped me arm off.
Jesus Christ.
Lenny, what the fuck's been going on here?
Shut up, you idiot.
It's Hanukkah.
Well, don't just stand there.
Have you got the bags? Can you fit it all in?
It's a lot.
I can't get Epping Forest in my van.
Can't? I don't wanna hear "can't."
Bollocks to can't.
You'll fit it all in if you have to make two trips.
Bollocks.
You've got a ticket already.
And if you don't move it, we will move it for you.
I'll only be a minute.
You've already been 15.
Look.
Come and have a look.
At what, exactly?
Well, the van's half full. So?
So, all I've got to do is fill it up,
put you in it. .. What?
And I'm off.
Do you think you can carry more than one bag this time?
I can't. My neck, Dog.
How many more bags?
JOHN: Just a couple.
Mick, you dead yet?
I'll be all right once I've dealt with that lanky prick.
DOG: Do it quietly.
It's time I say, "Good night, nurse."
(GUN CLICKING)
(SCREAMING)
Where the fuck did she come from?
(PANTING)
That is it. Tie her up. We're out of here.
What are you doing, Ed?
Do you want one?
No, I fucking don't. You cannot make a cup of tea, Edward.
The entire British Empire was built on cups of tea.
SOAP: Yeah, and look what happened to that.
And if you think I'm going to war without one, mate, you're mistaken.
Going to war with what?
Have you forgotten those guns, you dozy prat?
You won't get away with this.
Paul, what's that?
It's a traffic warden.
I can see it's a fucking traffic warden.
What's he doing in the back of the van?
He was gonna call the cozzers.
Fair enough, we'll deal with him later.
How are we doing, Tom?
Right as rain.
I'm just gonna take care of the cabs.
Keep us posted.
All right, mate, do you do airports?
Where the hell are we gonna hide?
Don't complicate things. Just hide.
We're on.
Cor, they weigh a pound or two.
Shut up and back up!
(WHISTLES)
Spin round, big boy.
What the fuck?
Stay down. Stay down!
Tie them up, tape them up, hands and face.
On the floor!
Bend over the fucking desk.
Keys. I want keys. Now!
I'll find you.
Course you will, sweetheart.
I'll find you.
What do you think this is, fucking hide-and-seek?
That one. Search that one.
Right, I'll see you in the van when you've finished with handsome here.
Jesus, that wasn't too bad, was it?
When the bottle in my arse has contracted, I'll let you know.
Bacon, see what we've got.
Let's have a butchers, eh?
We've hit the jackpot, lads.
We've got God knows how much of this stinking weed,
a shit load of cash
and a traffic warden.
What?
Jesus, Ed, we got a traffic warden.
I think he's still alive.
He's got claret coming out of him somewhere.
What did they want with a traffic warden?
I don't know, but I don't think we need him.
Knock him out and dump him at the lights.
Knock him out? What do you mean, knock him out?
Knock him out with what?
I don't know! Use your imagination!
(GROANING)
Don't touch him up. Knock him out!
I'll knock you out in a minute.
Look, you want to knock him out,
you knock him out.
I fucking hate traffic wardens.
It's about time you gave my young friends a visit, Chris.
Tomorrow's the day and mum's the word.
Now I can't have that, can I, Baz?
No, Harry, you can't.
I mean, it's a liberty.
And I can't have a liberty taken, can I, Chris?
No, Harry, you can't.
I mean, it's enough to give me the arsehole.
And I can't have the arsehole, can I, boys?
BOTH: No, Harry, you can't.
EDDIE: Right, that's it. We're done.
We're off. Here, Ed.
Are you sure it's a good idea taking this back to yours?
Well, it's the only place we can take it,
and it's the last place they're gonna look.
Anyway, fuck it!
The battle is over and the war is won.
Now, Tom. You take this to Nick the Bubble,
then we get rid of it quick.
It's skunk, and it's as good as it gets.
All right, we'll take it.
Half price.
I don't think he'll like that.
You said 3.5 a key, and you know that's a good price.
It was yesterday I said three and a half,
and now it's today if I'm not mistaken.
We'll take it tomorrow, half price.
If he wants to get rid of it quick,
he'll have to take it.
Now look,
I've got a race coming up in a minute,
so if you'd just be kind enough to. ..
Lenny, take that round to Snow White and the three little chemists.
They should have a gander of that.
I want a second opinion.
LENNY: Hang on a minute, Nathan. Something stinks.
NATHAN: Yeah, your fucking aftershave.
LENNY: Fuck you, funny man.
For God's sake. Help me.
I'm in pain. I'm in so much pain ! Jesus.
Go in slowly, Nathan.
Fuck you, funny man, you go first.
Just get the fuck in there, will you?
I want this house searched for bugs.
I mean, I want it stripped.
Where's the point in that?
Even if there was a bug, they'd have taken it with them.
It's a bit late for you to start thinking, John.
If it's a possibility, that's good enough for me.
And when you've stripped this place,
I want every slag this side of Ceylon pulled in and tortured badly.
I want to know who's responsible for this.
Otherwise, I'm gonna hold you responsible.
EDDIE: Not a bad day.
That pile takes care of Harry.
What's left over?
Give me half a chance to count it.
What about this gear then, eh?
What, you want a toke on that?
No, I don't think I want any of that horrible shit.
Can we lock up and get drunk now, please?
We shot one of them in the throat.
What do you want, a medal?
I'll shoot you in the fucking throat if I don't get my ganja back.
RORY: The one you shot, is he still in there now?
No, it was another one.
That's more like it.
Where is he?
Well, they took him with.
No, he's still alive.
What did you shoot him with? An air gun?
Look, we grow weed. We're not mercenaries.
You don't say.
Who could it be?
Where do we start, Rory?
Mr. Breaker.
Today my name is Mr. Breaker.
You think this is a coincidence?
This white shite steals my things
and thinks that he can sell it back to me!
He's got less brains than you, Lenny!
Get Nick,
the greasy wop. .. Greek bastard round here now.
If he's still stupid enough to be on this planet.
(ROCK SONG PLAYING)
Your stupidity might be your one saving grace.
Uh?
Don't "uh" me, Greek boy!
How is it your fucking stupid, soon-to-be-dead friends
thought that they might be able to steal my cannabis,
and then sell it back to me?
Is this a declaration of war?
Is this some white cunt's joke that black cunts don't get?
'Cause I'm not fucking laughing, Nicolas!
I know you couldn't have known my position,
'cause you're not that stupid that if you did,
you wouldn't have turned up here scratching your arse
with that, "What's going on here" look
slapped all over your Chevy Chase.
But what you do know is where these people live.
If you hold back anything, I'll kill you.
If you bend the truth, or I think you're bending the truth,
I'll kill you.
If you forget anything, I'll kill you.
In fact, you're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick.
Now, do you understand everything I've said?
Because if you don't, I'll kill you.
Now, Mr. Bubble and Squeak, you may enlighten me.
So we've got a bit of a problem, ain't we?
Well, yeah. Yeah, we do.
Yeah, yeah, we do.
In fact, it's a little bit more than a little bit of a problem, isn't it?
On a scale of things, you could say
it's the Mount fucking Everest of problems.
And the reason it's such a mon-fucking-strosity of a problem is,
you don't even got a first idea who did this to us, have you?
Dog, we've been up all night. It's no one from round here.
We've had them all lined up against the wall.
If he was a toe-rag from out of manor, we'd know.
We'd know.
You'd know? You'd fucking know?
You wouldn't know if it was the next door fucking neighbors!
Now get out there and find them ! I'm sick of the fucking sight of you!
Get out of my fucking sight! You little shit!
Scarface.
I've watched Scarface.
If you want to know how to do a drug deal, you watch Scarface.
That really inspires confidence, that.
This guy Rory Breaker. ..
Rory Breaker? Psychotic black dwarf with an Afro?
That'll be the same man, yes.
I heard about him. He's a fucking lunatic.
Well, he can afford to do the deal at the price we're selling.
It's not worth him giving us any trouble,
because he knows we'll be a pain in the arse,
and who needs a pain in the arse?
I'll take a pain in the arse for half-a-million quid.
You'd take a pain in the arse for air miles.
Tom, the fatter you get, the sadder you get.
Will you two stop flirting for a minute?
After we pay Hatchet, this deal puts us up
nearly ￡200,000 each.
That's not bad for a morning's work, I think you'll agree.
So they had the cash.
And the puff.
Cheeky bastards.
Count it.
Shit, Dog, there's a lot. Don't you want to do it next door?
We're not going next door till we've flayed them dead men walking.
We'll count it upstairs.
I don't want them to see you fingering their money
when they walk through the door.
But, Dog, look. ..
Give us it here, dozy bastard.
Check your guns. Get yourselves well hid.
You wait till they get right inside the door,
then you give it to them.
Give me them shooters, you can use your own.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Yeah?
That's no way to answer the phone.
(EXCLAIMS) Is that you, Dean?
No, it's Lord fucking Lucan.
Who do you think it is?
What can I do for you?
You know those guns I sold you? I need them back.
Not likely, I'm afraid. I don't think I'll be seeing them again.
Look, I've got the money to pay for them.
I'm sure you do, but I don't think you understand.
I ain't gonna be seeing them or the guns again.
Can't get them.
If we can't get them, we can't get them.
Well, you'll have to fucking get them.
Look, we made the fucking deal for everything inside the cabinet.
Inside-out-fucking-side. I don't give a shit.
You get those guns, because if you don't. ..
Oh, yeah, Bazza, or what?
Have you heard of Harry Lonsdale?
Otherwise known as "Hack you up with a hatchet Harry?"
Well, this is
James Bond, need-to-know time.
When you dance with the devil, you wait for the song to stop.
Know what I mean?
I mean, find them, torture them and kill them.
And bring back what belongs to me.
Because if you don't, your family's bang in trouble.
Who was that?
(SIGHS) That was Harry Horrible Hatchet.
Jesus, I've heard of him.
DEAN: We're in shit. They were his fucking guns we sold.
We've got to find them.
Now, no fucking about now, Nick. Where can I find those guns?
Six black cocks and a little white kitten sitting on the side of the road.
We're gonna do a proper decoration job.
I want the gray skies of London illuminated.
I want that house painted red.
(ALL LAUGHING)
All right.
There's this brass standing on the corner, right.
Dwarf walks up to her carrying a suitcase.
Winston, there, is gonna come along and see if he recognizes any of them.
Now watch out for these fellows.
They've got a bit of an arsenal,
and they don't mind using it.
And I'm taking down her panties.
Now, does everyone here know what they've got to do?
Yeah. Yeah.
What the fuck is going on?
(GUNS FIRING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
You got something here for me, have you?
Come on, chop-chop.
Thank you very much.
He's got the guns. Go ahead, you get them.
Why me?
You're supposed to be the hard case. ..
You go and get the guns! I drive the car!
Good boy.
Oh, get the fucking guns!
I'm not going to get the fucking guns!
You get the fucking guns!
You fucking. ..
(MOCKING LOUDLY)
All right, wrap them guns up.
Count the money.
Put your seat belt on.
GARY: Fucking guns!
We've got to get the fucking guns, or we're dead!
(STARTING CAR)
So I made sure I fucked the one that was coughing.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Get out of the car, you yuppy fucker!
(DOG SHRIEKING)
He's the one we shot in the neck.
Is that right, Mr. Botanical?
(GUNS FIRING)
(EXCLAIMING) Jesus.
I don't believe this. What the fuck has happened here?
Jesus.
The money. The gear.
This is fucked.
No money.
No weed.
It's all been replaced by a pile of corpses.
All right, don't panic.
Let's think about this.
No, fuck that.
You can think about it. I am panicking and I'm off.
How did you get your hands on these then?
The boys had them.
I know you like these sort of things.
Wondered if you wanted them.
Yeah, I'll have them.
Was it hard work getting the money?
Not especially.
Upset a few characters though.
You counted it?
Yeah. It's all there, to the pound.
And they were gonna pay?
Looks like it, but who knows?
The opportunity was there.
In my experience, it's best to take that opportunity
if it's there.
Good work, Chris.
DEAN: We've got to get those guns.
This is dangerous shit, Dean. We don't even know who lives there.
Listen, I don't care who lives there!
All's I know is that it's preferable to death by Hatchet.
GARY: Fair enough.
Let's go.
I don't think it's the right move.
It's either that, the old boy's place and we lose a digit daily.
I'm gonna phone him.
As if he'll care.
He'll care all right. That was supposed to be his money.
Whether he cares about us or not is different.
Pass me the phone.
(PHONE RINGING)
Yeah?
That you, boy?
It's Ed, if that's what you mean.
Pay day, isn't it?
Yeah. I wanted to talk to you about that.
I'll bet you do.
I've got half-a-million nickers sitting here,
which means some poor sod doesn't.
You've been upsetting a few people, boy.
But that really isn't my concern, is it?
What does concern me is the guns you had.
And I want to talk to you about that.
So get your arse over here now, and I do mean now.
Bastard ! You fucking bastard!
Fucking bastard!
(SCREAMS)
What the fuck are you doing here?
Job well done. We made a few quid out of that one.
Son?
Made a few quid, did you?
Where's what I want?
You all right down there, mate?
Very fucking funny.
Where's what I want?
I've just left it in the office.
We better go to the office and get it then.
That's if you want your son to see his next birthday.
Now chop-fucking-chop.
All right, fair enough.
Where are you going?
It's a 30-second drive or a five-minute walk.
And I couldn't have parked outside.
I'd have got a ticket.
I suppose that don't matter now, does it?
Just be careful.
Right.
You and me. You and who?
You know where the door handle is, Tom.
Oh, no, not again!
That's it. I'm off.
Tom, that is our bag.
Ed. Hold on.
This is our bag.
That's it, we're off.
I'll see you in the car. I'm gonna take these guns.
Tom, don't fuck about!
I'll see you in the car.
Tom. It'll only take a minute.
What is going on?
I don't know. But what I do know is there's no more Harry,
which means there's no more debt.
And if there's no more debt, there's no more problem.
And there's no problem with the neighbors, because they're all dead.
And I think, if I get this right,
we haven't done anything wrong, and we're in the clear.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Never ever has anyone ever
been as fucking rude to me
as you did!
Fucking bastard!
You all right, mate?
Cheeky bastard.
ALAN: Now this was an embarrassing position for Tom to be in.
But Chris had to respect the fact
that he was holding what appeared to be a pair of loaded shotguns.
And Tom had to respect the fact that they were not loaded.
So, without anybody losing too much face,
Tom left through a side door, and Chris left with the money.
And everybody else got arrested.
He's not one of them.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I think your dad would like a word with you, Ed.
Where are the others?
They got out yesterday. They're back at the bar.
All right, Dad?
I'm all right.
How about yourself?
Oh, I'm all right.
Could do with a drink, though.
All in good time, all in good time.
So you in the clear?
More importantly, am I?
It appears so.
Appears?
You'll have to do better than fucking appears, my friend.
Well, everybody's dead, Dad. I think that's about as clear as you can get.
How about that drink?
You know where the bar is.
Hey?
Don't make yourself too comfortable. Alan's got to sit there.
Alan!
You're lucky you're still breathing, let alone able to walk.
I suggest you take full advantage of that fact.
You took your time.
Where the hell have you been?
Sit down, I'll tell you.
So the traffic warden identified the neighbors' bodies,
which sort of puts us in the clear.
The only thing connecting us with the case is those shotguns.
And Tom took care of them.
SOAP: You did take care of the shotguns, didn't you, Tom?
I wanted to talk to you about that.
Well, talk.
Well, actually, no.
I've got them sitting in the car.
I was gonna sell them back to Nick the Greek,
but I'm having a bit of trouble getting hold of him.
You dippy bastard.
So,
the only thing connecting us with the case
is in the back of your car, which is parked outside?
They cost us 700 quid. I'm not gonna throw them away.
And they're hardly likely to trace them back to us, are they?
Do you really think it's worth taking the risk for ￡700?
Tom, you're a dick.
Now you take those guns, and you throw them off a bridge.
And throw yourself off while you're at it.
Now, Tom.
Look, all I'm. .. ALL: Now, Tom!
Can I have a beer, please, Dad?
I'm busy. Get it yourself.
It seemed Hatchet underestimated you lot,
and it seems to have cost him.
Well, I ain't gonna make the same mistake now, am I?
So I've decided to bring your bag back.
I think the word you're looking for, gentlemen, is "thank you."
Thank you.
Now you've presented me with a problem.
I've lost my employer.
So I've taken care of meself and me son.
Now if you think that's unfair,
you come and pay me a little visit.
But you better be waving a white flag
high and clear, so as I can see it.
Or it'll be the last little visit you ever make.
You understand?
That's all I've come to say.
There is one more thing.
It's been emotional.
We are now officially in the money-lending business.
You all right, Son?
Put your seat belt on.
We're out of here.
It's empty.
ALL: What's his number?
Don't, don't! You'll jam the line! I'll call him.
My fucking battery.
Oh, you. .. Give me the phone!
No, fuck off! I'll dial it! Give me the phone!
Just be calm for a minute. All right, shut up and tell me the number!
Fuck you! Give me your phone!
You'll break it! Just calm down! Give me the phone!
Look, you'll break it, and it'll be fucked, won't it?
Will you shut? It's fucking ringing!
(CELL PHONE RINGING)