This programme contains some strong language.
- It says they've refurbished the tech lab. - Dan!
This is a really big day for me, OK?
I don't want you messing it up by "playing" with heavy machinery.
All right. I don't get why you're so stressed, sis.
I mean, you're giving a careers talk to a bunch of sixth formers,
not the King of Space.
They're not just sixth formers, they're the future,
and I have a chance to change their lives forever. To be honest,
I can't believe it's taken them this long to invite me back,
I was Vice-Deputy Head Girl.
That's something you made up when you didn't get Head Girl.
It was a really close election and there should have been a recount and
I'm pretty sure it was rigged anyway and shut up! Why are you even here?
It's my old school too. I miss it.
Life was so much simpler then, you know?
- No stressing about your job... - You don't have a job. - ..paying rent...
- You definitely don't pay rent. - ..when you got an erection
- in public, you blamed it on your hormones. - You still do that.
The point is, those were the best years of my life.
Well, except when Jamie Flack beat me up in front of the entire school.
- Just because I was different. - God, what a dick.
Yeah, but look at me now, I'm about to spend the afternoon
drilling holes in my shoes.
- BELL RINGS - See you later.
CAR HORN TOOTS, CHILDREN CHATTER
BUZZ OF CONVERSATION
Hi, Hannah, I'm Dr Barker, Head of Careers.
- We spoke on the phone. - Yeah, hi, nice to see you again.
Thanks for coming in at such short notice.
No, fine, thanks for having me. I can't wait to chat careers.
Besides, I'll take any excuse to get out of that fucking office.
Honestly, once I took the day off because I saw one pigeon trying to make another one have sex
- and it really bummed me out. - Well, as I say, we did have
- a number of late drop-outs, so... - Hannah to the rescue. As usual.
I did used to be Vice-Deputy Head Girl.
I don't remember that being a thing?
No, it was a thing. Definitely.
OK, well, I just need you to fill out this form before the talk.
- You work for an insurance company, yes? - That's right, yeah.
I'm the Executive Team Assistant.
I'll just put down P.A.
What? No, I'm not a P.A?!
- Can you just make sure you put down the word "executive". - OK.
Thank you.
Also, quick question, maybe I'm misremembering,
but didn't your name used to be Dr Barker-Roxborough?
Mmm, yes, well, my husband and I recently separated.
- Ah! - I'm just Dr Barker now.
Shit, sorry. Still, at least your name's a bit less clunky, right?
Yes, that's a real silver lining.
Oh, this is going to be fun.
Oops, sorry, just looking for some graffiti I did a few years ago.
I want to see if it survived.
Shit!
The graffiti's still here but they've changed it.
See, "Dan is a legend" and then someone's added "for sucking cock".
Don't worry, I've got it sorted.
"Dan is a legend for not sucking cock."
Checkmate.
What are you guys up to?
We're playing The Oracle's Journey
It's a fantasy adventure quest.
- Looks complicated. - No, it's very simple.
Each player gets a character, they use it to collect relics
and minerals until they're strong enough to challenge
- the Emperor of Zathgar and his army of dragon spawn. - Makes sense.
So, what are your characters?
I'm a Dwarf Soldier, Jacob is a Wizard Troll,
and Ashok is a Cyclops Prince.
Sweet.
Do you want to play? You can be the Succubus.
What's a Succubus?
It's a female demon that has sex with men in their sleep
and then kills them.
I mean, how do you say no to that?!
That's why, in logistics, we say the best way to get products from A to Z
is through U. Thank you.
Thank you, Andrew.
Up next, we have a former pupil, Miss Hannah French.
Thank you, Dr Barker. Thank you, Andrew.
Now, we've all heard a lot today from stuffy old men in grey suits.
SOME LAUGHTER
So I think it's time to mix it up a bit.
Look under your chairs.
That's a picture of me, aged six.
Now, who'd have thought that that little girl would grow up to be
an Executive Team Assistant at a multinational insurance firm?
Not me. Back then, I wanted to be a firefighter.
Until I realised the pay's terrible and the physical stuff would
probably make my body look quite mannish.
Anyway, does everyone know what an Executive Team Assistant is?
It's basically like being a P.A.?
No, it's nothing like that. Why do people keep...?
Why is your head's so small in this picture?
LAUGHTER Well, I was six.
Yeah, but even for a six-year-old, it's pretty tiny.
It looks like a golf ball.
- LAUGHTER - Excuse me...
No, that's OK, Dr Barker, I can handle this.
- Why don't you go fuck yourself, you jumped up little...? - Hannah!
He started it.
GASPS AND LAUGHTER Who threw that?
Whoever throw that is going to get expelled.
Hannah, you don't have the authority to say that.
Wow, you have really checked out since that divorce.
We would never have gotten away with that in my day... Stop!
Oh, my God.
LAUGHTER AND CHATTER
Come on, Ashok, you need an eight or higher,
otherwise you're going to have to trade me all of your timber.
- Nine! Ashok, you lucky little shit! - It's a good game, right?
- Much better than playing football or talking to people. - It's brilliant!
You guys must play this every day?
Pretty much. Except on Thursday's when Jacob has his flute lesson.
Why are you learning to play the flute?
Isn't that just for girls and Native Americans?
I wanted to learn the drums,
but my mum said woodwind instruments look much better on a UCAS form.
- They don't care about that stuff. - Well, my mum said...
I was at uni for seven months
and I didn't see a single person playing the flute.
There was one guy who walked around crashing tiny cymbals together,
but I think he took a bunch of MDMA in freshers' week
and he sort of fried his brain.
Seriously, you guys should just do what you love while you're young.
Cos, once you're an adult like me, there is no time for fun and games.
Right, I think it's my turn to be the Sorcerer.
Hi, Hannah? My name's Ellie. I just wanted to apologise
for the others, they shouldn't have thrown all that stuff at you.
They're seriously so immature. But it's so cool that you came back.
I heard you were Vice-Deputy Head Girl, or something?
That's right, I was!
So you enjoyed the talk? What was the most inspiring bit?
Well, I thought your job sounded really cool!
- I'd love to do something like you one day. - Really? - Totally!
But it sucks. I got stuck doing work experience at my uncle's
carpet cleaning business, Chemical Floorfare.
Well, I could probably get you
- work experience at my place, if you want? - Do you think you could?
Oh, yeah, yeah. I pull a lot of weight in the office.
I managed to get my own parking space just by pretending to have gout.
I'd really love that. Thank you so much! You're so awesome!
Yeah, I guess I am pretty awesome.
- And there's plenty more iron ore where that came from. - Oh, no!
What about my gem of sorcery?
CHATTER
Oh, what about timber?!
- Oh, hey, Hannah. - There you are.
This is Ken, Jacob, Ashok. Guys, this is my sister.
We should get going, Dan.
Five more minutes, please?
Ken's about to go through the Tunnel of Kyros.
I have no idea what you're talking about,
- but I'm starting the car in two minutes with or without you. - Fine!
Sorry, guys, but my sister's being a real BEEP!
LAUGHTER
We could finish this tomorrow if you wanted? I've got a meeting with
my parole officer in the morning, but we could meet up after that?
- Yeah, OK. - Sweet.
- Can we go to McDonalds on the way back? - No. - Please? - No. - Please?
- No, you can do that all day. - Please, please, please? - OK, fine! - Yes!
But you are not getting a Coke, you're way too hyper already.
Hi, Hannah, here are the timetables you asked for.
Oh, wow, that normally takes me all day.
And thanks again for sorting this out.
It's a million times better than my uncle's place.
Well, I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.
If you're not busy, I was wondering
if you could show me how the Policy Migration software works?
Ah, I was literally
just about to go and have a nap in the disabled toilet upstairs.
- Maybe tomorrow? - Oh, OK. - Don't worry, you're not missing anything.
That thing is a fucking snoozefest.
- Unbelievable! - What's wrong?
We're out of biscuits.
Probably Chloe again. It's like, you know you have diabetes,
why don't you just buy your own Jaffa Cakes,
instead of stealing all of ours? Some people are so selfish!
- I could go out and get you some? - Really? You'd do that?
Mm-hm, I've finished all my work, so I'm free.
Yeah, that'd be great! Thanks! Oh, actually, if you are popping out,
could you pick up some extra stuff for me?
- Uh, yeah, sure. What would you like? - Not much, just a couple of things.
Bacon, toothpaste... The usual. You might have to go
- to the bakery round the corner to pick up the bagels. - OK.
Oh, don't worry, it won't take long. Like five, ten minutes. 15, maybe.
An hour, tops.
Oh, thanks, protege.
CAR TYRES SCREECH ON VIDEO GAME
ALL: Oh!
This is so much better than playing online,
and not just because you guys don't keep calling me a bitch.
Today at school, Nathan challenged Max
- to a Ham Contest. - What's a Ham Contest?
When two people get a packet of ham each
and whoever eats the most in one minute wins.
Ah, I cannot believe I missed that.
Dan, I talked to my mum and she said, as long as I take GCSE Latin,
she'll let me stop taking flute lessons.
So I'm going to learn to play the drums.
Jacob, that's brilliant! We should start a band. We can practise here.
All right, sis?
Hey, how do you feel about going halfsies on a drum kit?
Take those through into the kitchen. I'll be with you in a second.
Dan, can I have a word?
Don't you go pressing unpause now, Ashok, you little rascal.
What's up?
What are those kids doing here? And why does this place stink?
Oh, they had P.E. today and they're too shy to use the showers.
It smells like someone's farted through a glass of hot milk.
Come on, Hannah, boys will be boys.
Yes, they're boys. Young boys.
- Why are you always hanging out with them? - Because they're fun.
Plus, they're super mature for their age.
- Ken's already got 11 chest hairs. - Why do you know that?!
If it's weird, then how come you're hanging out with that girl?
I'm not "hanging out" with her, she's doing work experience with me.
I'm giving her invaluable exposure to office life.
Hannah, where do you want the triple fudge doughnuts?
On the counter's fine, thank you.
OK, fine, I'll be honest, it's a sweet deal.
She basically does everything I ask her to.
It's like having one of those helper monkeys that quadriplegics get.
What's in it for her?
Me!
I've taken her under my wing. I'm mummy bird, you know.
Chewing up little bits of wisdom and sticking them back down her throat.
When she's finished in there, do you reckon she could clean my room?
If you want someone to clean your room,
you should get a job, find a work experience kid
and get them to do it for you, like a normal person.
Here you go, Hannah. One coffee, half black, half white.
Perfect. Listen, do you mind working a little bit late tonight?
- Do you need help uploading the liability reports? - Oh, no, no.
I had a dresser delivered to my flat and I need help putting it together.
My brother and those kids broke the last one trying to re-enact Jumanji.
- Yeah, sure, I can help with that. - Great.
And, for lunch today, could I have a pork burrito,
instead of a chicken burrito, you know, mix it up a bit.
Um, actually, I don't think I can get your lunch today.
Kevin's got a meeting at one and he asked me to run the PowerPoint.
No, sure, I guess that is more important than me having lunch.
My mum made a tuna salad, you could have that?
No, it's fine, I'll get my own lunch.
But, you know, you don't have to do things just because Kevin says so.
I know, but the meeting does sound really interesting.
Sure. I just, I don't want people taking advantage of you.
- Thanks, Hannah. - It's OK. I'll see you after the meeting.
Also, um... I dropped my pen down the loo,
so if you could fish that out when you get the chance.
DOORBELL RINGS
The boys!
I hope you are ready for a mega Playstation sesh.
I've got three bottles of Fanta,
dinosaur chicken nuggets in the oven.
- Wait, what happened to you guys? - Tom Flack beat us up.
We were just on our way home, talking about our favourite Blackadder jokes,
when he came up to us and called us losers.
He ripped our bags off us and stole all our stuff.
Even the Oracle's Journey cards.
Did he take the Magpie Expansion Pack?
Why did no-one stop him?
Tom Flack is like the worst kid in Year 10. Last year,
he got sent home for shaving the word "bollocks" in his own hair.
- Wait, what's this kid's name? - Tom Flack.
HE SCOFFS
No wonder he's a dick, his older brother did exactly the same thing
- to me when I was at school. - Really? - Yeah.
Beat me up in front of everyone just because I was different.
I guess it's like my mum says,
we should rise above it and be the better person.
No, I'm sorry, Jacob, but your mum is full of crap, OK? We can't just
let him get away with it, not like his brother did. Come on.
Ellie, there you are! I thought you'd been kidnapped, or something.
I don't know where you found this girl,
but she is a PowerPoint whizz kid. Those slide transitions...
That's great, Kevin, but you've had your turn. Hand her over.
We should get going, that dressing table won't un-flat-pack itself.
Well, I was just thinking maybe I could stay here instead.
- Why, what's wrong? - Nothing's wrong, but the meeting went really well,
- so Kevin's taking us out for Pad Thai to celebrate. - Er...
- But you said you were going to help? - Yeah, but Kevin...
Forget about Kevin, Kevin's an idiot. Kevin's got fucking ringworm.
I bet he didn't have that in the presentation.
Come on, I was the one that got you work experience.
But helping you build a dressing table isn't really work, is it?
So you're just going to flake on me? I taught you everything you know.
- But you haven't taught me anything! - What?
I've been here a week and all I've done is get you lunch,
and defrost the fridge, and fill out your tax return!
And I don't want to do those things any more.
Well, then, I guess I'll just go home
and build my furniture alone, like some pathetic carpenter
whose apprentice has deserted her for a cheap bowl of noodles.
Oh, and I had your mum's tuna salad and it was incredibly bland.
- That's him. - Do as I do - stay cool and we'll be fine.
Hey! Which one of you is Tom Flack?
I'm Tom Flack.
Oh, my God, I thought you were someone's dad. You're huge.
Yeah, well, I drink a lot of milk and I've got a thyroid problem.
But it's none of your fucking business.
Maybe not. But you took some stuff from my pals and I want it back.
What, you mean those goblin cards? Nah, mate. I threw those things away.
Well, you're going to have to replace them. Otherwise...
"Otherwise" what?
Otherwise, I...will...kill you.
I mean, obviously not. Please don't tell anyone I said that.
But I will do something.
I'm 15. If you touch me, that's child abuse.
- Fine. Maybe - I - can't touch you, but I know three guys who can.
Dan, what are you saying?
It's all right, Jacob, I've got this. I've seen your type before.
Think you're a big man just because you've got facial hair and you can
only buy shoes that fit over the internet, but you're just a coward.
Mate, what are you talking about?
I'm talking about a rematch. You versus them.
- But, Dan, why would we...? - I said I've got this.
If they win, you have to replace the cards.
If you win then I will... wear a dress.
Why the fuck would I want you to wear a dress?
I don't know, you pick something.
If you want me to fight them, I'll fight them.
I don't give a shit. It'll be like crushing three little nerdy ants.
Ha-ha-ha(!)
Oh, I cannot wait for them to teach you a lesson.
Tomorrow. After school.
Oh, and, er...
bring a coffin, yeah? You're going to need it.
Guys, we all storm out together, otherwise it's just not the same.
Oh, great, Dan. Can you help me with this?
No can do, sis. Just came to pick-up some trainers and my Rocky II DVD.
Why, where are you going?
Supposed to be meeting the guys in 20 mins. We're in training.
Are you still hanging out with those kids?
This afternoon, they got jumped by Tom Flack.
- You know, Jamie Flack's little brother. - Who's Jamie Flack?
The guy who beat me up just because I was different, remember?!
It turns out his little brother is just as bad.
- What, so you're going to fight him? - No!
I'm not, the kids are.
What are you up to?
I've just spent the last three hours assembling this dresser.
I'm really sorry about the other one, I genuinely thought
- it'd take the boys' weight. - Yeah, well, I would've been done
a lot quicker if it wasn't for Ellie the Judas.
She's so ungrateful! If it wasn't for me, she would have spent
two weeks watching her uncle scrub dog poo out of carpets.
But, if she doesn't need me, then I don't need her.
Mummy Bird is going to be just fine.
Oh! Ow!
Ah! Oh, God!
Who's Mummy Bird?
Hannah, what happened to you?
Well, Brutus, thanks to you bailing on me last night,
I had to build the dresser by myself and it collapsed on me.
- Oh, my God. - Yep, I had to spend five hours in A & E
and I still don't have a dressing table and it's all your fault.
It's not my fault you haven't got anyone to help you.
Or that you bought really shitty furniture.
Well, I'm cutting the cord, you are done being my protege.
Fine. I didn't want to be your protege anyway.
- No offence but your life's kind of...depressing. - Depressing?
Face it, you're eight years older than me and still basically a P.A.
You've a terrible diet, most of the stuff on your shopping list was
just alcohol, ready meals and four different types of cream cheese.
- And I know your brother's got learning difficulties, but... - What?
- Dan doesn't have learning difficulties... - Really?
Then, why does he hang around with those kids so much?
I honestly don't know. The point is you're on your own from now on.
I hope you know how to swim, sister,
because these waters are going to get seriously choppy.
- Hannah, could I borrow Ellie for a second? - Er, Ellie who?
Um...this Ellie. I wanted to talk to the boss
- about bringing her back for a placement over the summer. - What?!
It was a really good PowerPoint.
Oh, listen, Hannah, could you go put on some coffee for us?
Can I get mine black? No sugar.
I've created a monster. And, just like Dr Frankenstein,
I must now destroy the very thing I brought into this world.
- It is not going to be... - Sorry, are you talking to me?
Er, I'm trying to have a dramatic moment to myself! Can you piss off?
Hannah, what are you doing here?
It's about Ellie. I just think we should cut her placement short.
- Get her out of there, ASAP. - Is there a problem?
I've tried to make it work, but I just think the two of us
need to go our separate ways, you know, like you and your husband.
Hannah, I'm in the middle of something here.
Is there a specific reason you feel
that Ellie should be pulled off the placement early?
Well... I don't know how to say this...
but Ellie...abused me.
- Abused you? - Yep. Physically.
This was all her handiwork.
- What exactly happened, Hannah? - She pushed me...down some stairs.
- What? - Yep, I really didn't want to bring this up but you pushed me.
- No pun intended. Ha-ha! - Why would she do that?
That doesn't sound like Ellie at all.
That's what I thought, but that girl has got a dark side.
I asked her to stay late, just to do some paperwork,
and something just flipped.
She threw coffee in my face and she shoved me down the stairs.
- Oh, my God. - Yeah, and that's just the tip of the iceberg.
This stuff's been going on all week. It's been hell.
Hannah, um, these are some very serious allegations.
Are you sure about this?
Yes.
Yes, I am.
That's it, boys, pick it up.
OK, let's move on to some sit-ups.
Won't all this training just make us really tired for the actual fight?
- Yeah, maybe. - Do you think we should even go through with it?
I mean, Tom Flack's going to kill us. And we're missing English.
Maybe it's just like my mum says, you should ignore bullies, focus on
our work and then enjoy being more successful than them as adults.
Jacob, I'm not trying to be mean, but your mum's a fucking idiot.
She's wrong about the flute and she's wrong about this.
Guys, you can't let the bullies win,
or they'll have power over you for the rest of your lives.
Listen...
When Tom Flack's brother beat me up,
just because I was different, I did nothing
and it is the biggest regret of my life,
except for when I sold my passport to those Ukrainian guys
- who said they were recruiting submarine drivers. - What?
The point is, Tom Flack might be ten times the size of you,
but all of you guys are a thousand times the person he will ever be.
I got you all something.
Ken, the Dwarf Soldier.
Jacob...
..the Wizard Troll.
And sweet Ashok...
..the Cyclops Prince.
Now, let's get out there and teach Tom Flack
and his freakily underactive thyroid a lesson.
- What did you want to see me about? - Hello, Ellie.
Please, take a seat, Ellie.
What's going on? Is this because I didn't get you that burrito?
Ellie, it's about your placement with Hannah.
She's claiming that, over the past week you have been -
and there's no easy way of saying this - systematically abusing her.
- Verbally and Physically. - What?!
Oh! Careful, Dr Barker, I've seen that look in her eyes before.
- She's getting ready to hulk out. - Hannah, I'll deal with this.
Now, Ellie, I'm sure you're aware this is a very serious situation.
I don't understand! What am I meant to have done?
Well, according to Hannah's statement, you...
put out a cigarette out on her leg, you threw pound coins at her face
for an hour, you gave her the nickname Wide-Arse.
- And that's just the first day. - Oh, my God, none of that's true!
I told you she'd deny it. The lies hurt nearly as much as the blows.
I'm not lying, she's lying! She's just making all of this up,
because I said her life was depressing.
Can I say something, Dr Barker?
It took a lot of bravery for me to report all of this.
I tried telling one of my co-workers
and she threatened to rip off my eyelids.
- What?! - I just wanted to help a young woman reach her potential
and this is how she repays me. I feel like a fool.
OK, I think we need to bring in Mr Greenwood.
He's the head of our Anti-Bullying Scheme. Just give me a moment.
Phew, I think she's buying it.
Why are you doing this, Hannah?
Hey, I wish it hadn't come to this, either.
You could've been my apprentice! I could have taught you
how to fake cry - the trick is to think of something really sad.
You can't do this, Hannah! I could get in so much trouble!
Oh, come on. You'll just get a slap on the wrist.
- Maybe a criminal record. - Please don't do this, Hannah.
Fine, I'll drop all of the charges
if you promise to turn down the summer placement at my office.
And get me a burrito once a week.
OK, fine.
OK, Mr Greenwood will be down in a second.
You know what, Dr B, er...
I reckon we should just let bygones be bygones. I think Ellie would agree
that she's learnt her final lesson from Mummy Bird.
Who's Mummy Bird?
I want a good, clean fight, yeah?
No spitting, no scratching and no low blows.
And just so we're clear what's at stake here.
If my boys win, you replace their stuff.
- If you win, I will wear a dress. - I don't want you to wear a dress!
- Look, are we going to fight or what? - All right, let's get on with it.
Good luck. Remember what I taught you about making a strong fist.
You didn't teach us anything about making a strong fist!
Oh, shit, there's no time now. You'll be fine. ..Good luck, boys!
PUPILS CHANT: Fight! Fight!
HE GRUNTS
What are you doing? It's still two against one! Come on!
Stop it! I said stop!
All of you, get out of here! Go! Go on.
- Dan? - Jamie Flack? Oh, my God, what are you doing here?
I work here, I'm a teacher. What are you doing here?
I organised the fight.
Look, Ken, Jacob, Ashok, I want you to go and wait in my classroom.
This isn't like you, I'm very disappointed.
Well done.
And you, what the fuck did mum tell you about getting into fights?
JAMIE PROTESTS When we get home, you are dead!
Dan, what the hell is going on here?
Your brother pushed those kids around
- and I wasn't going to let him get away with it, like you did. - What?
Your ugly little brother is a vicious thug, just like you were.
- What are you talking about? - Oh, don't do the innocent act.
You beat me up in Year 10, just because I was different.
No, I beat you up in Year 10,
because you cut the end of my finger off in DT!
- And because I was different. - No, because of the finger.
- And also just because I was... - No.
Hannah!
Oh, hey. How was the fight?
Cancelled after the first punch.
- Really? - Yeah, they called the kids' parents.
I'm not allowed to hang out with them any more.
Good. I don't know why that's taken so long.
Yeah, it's a shame. But great news!
Turns out Jamie Flack didn't beat me up, cos I was different.
It was just because I cut off one of his fingers in DT.
- High four. - That's not great news.
You permanently damaged someone's life. That's terrible!
- What are you doing here anyway? - Oh, I managed to get rid of Ellie
by pretending she had massive rage issues.
HE SIGHS
God, I miss school.
Bwark!