# I like it filthy and raw #
# Is it sex or is it love #
# I don't care what it is #
# I just do what you want #
# The way that you want it #
# And when you turn around And you tell me to hit it #
# If you're shaking that ass #
# Who am I to forbid it #
# Tell me what you want #
# Tell me what you want I will do it #
# Tell me what you want I will do it yeah #
# Tell me what you want #
# Tell me what you want I will do it #
# Do it Do it Do it #
# I like it filthy and raw #
All over the world kids are getting down.
They're getting down at the club.
At work.
In the car.
At the party.
At the bar.
And at your front door.
This guide will help you to get down, too.
We will introduce you to some of the tools
you can use to help you get down, like vodka and drugs.
It will show you how to avoid the pitfalls
associated with this lifestyle.
My shoes!
Like getting sick, and the police.
Guide scientists have spent years gathering empirical data
of all facets of nightlife.
This film is divided into chapters,
each offering insights into different aspects of getting down.
And when better to get down than after a stressful day.
Hey, girl.
Hey, what's up?
Come get me. Let's go and get drunk.
Okay.
Take your shit with you.
Bitch.
Fuck you!
Are you okay?
Douchebag!
Okay. Just, just, walk down to the front and I'll be right there.
Fuck! Fucking cunt!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
That's my other line. Okay.
Whassup, Bernie?
Hey, girl. What are you doing?
Nothing. Just closing up.
You wanna hang out tonight?
Ooh, girlfriend, I can't, 'cause I got a date tonight.
With who?
Remember the guy we met at Cinespace last week?
The drunk guy?
Yeah, whatever.
He's taking me out to some new shi-shi bar in Hollywood.
Okay.
But we can hook up later.
Yeah, I'll call you later.
Yo. Yo, what's the deal, yo?
What's going on?
Yo, man, you ready for a party tonight?
Yeah. Um, yeah.
Yeah.
You remember, right? Yeah, man, that shit is gonna be dope.
Whassup with that phone, homie?
Yeah, this phone is fly, right?
I got this shit at the pawn shop.
They said Deon Wargees used to owned this shit.
She came in one day sweating in shit.
Let me trade this phone. She went got some crack.
Crack must be the shit.
Everybody's gonna be on because I got this phone.
When I go come here, and they'll think it's funny.
Look at his phone. Looks like a lunch box.
You got any baloney sandwich in there? No, I got no sandwich here.
This is a phone. And then at night they'll all be up on me.
They gonna come up to me. You know what I will do?
I'll put this shit on the wall. Bang!
You wanna use the phone?
Yeah, c'mon. $1, motherfucker.
Yeah, that's right. It's not so funny no more, huh?
I don't care if you got a tube top on.
Get out of here. It cost $1 to use my phone.
I need some money. I can't get no money with the way you look.
Unless I'm pimpin'.
What? What? I wanna call my granny.
Damn, you won't call your granny.
You didn't want me. Now I got a phone. Y'all owe me.
$1, motherfucker. $1.
$1, motherfucker. We some old school fools. Yeah, yeah.
Okay. So, the best part is...
What?
He can't even think of his fucking bike.
No!
What a fucking loser.
A total pussy. What do you wanna do tonight?
I don't know. Fucking Cahuenga is gonna be a madhouse.
Let's go to JJ's party.
JJ. JJ as in date rape JJ?
Dude! That chick is a slut. Don't listen to her.
Okay. Whatever you say.
Let's go to the party.
Getting down seems so random.
But as you'll see, there is a definite science to it.
Formulas and paradigms that can be followed
to achieve the maximum fun with the least stress.
This guide is for boys and girls, but boys and girls are different.
We often hear boys being referred to as slamhounds or horndogs.
But this isn't entirely fair.
Ever since Charies Darwin came up with his theories on natural selection,
we've known that the propagation of the specles
is dependant on genetic mutation,
and that occurs only through fertilization of multiple partners.
In other words, both boys and girls are hard-wired to get down.
That's why sex is fun. But there are physiological differences.
The man is fertile 24/7.
But a woman can only be pollinated for a few days a month.
About a week before the end of their menstrual cycle,
most girls experience a period of a few days
technically known as their horny week
when they are good to go and feel particularly ready to get down.
Now, imagine girls, if you were cursed to feel like that all the time.
That's what it's like to be a boy every day of your life.
Dude, it's a party for a modeling agency.
There's gonna be mad pussy there.
We are gonna get some. For sure.
Game on.
One for you. You might need that.
Dude, what is that?
What?
Looks like you got cum on your face.
What, bro? It's fucking moisturizer. What the fuck?
Shacka.
Boys and girls love to get down,
but there are differences in the way they go about it.
Hooking up by the end of the night is often the ultimate goal for boys and girls.
The difference here is that boys will acknowledge this as their sole purpose.
Whereas girls are a little more reluctant.
Does this jersey look okay?
Fuck yeah, dude! That shit's the bomb.
You look good in that green.
Green? See the eyes? I'm working that shit.
How's the mother fucker paying you? Wee!
While the boys are quite clear on their purpose,
the girls tend to be a little cloudy on their goals.
Stings!
It's supposed to.
Is it really? Ow! Bitch!
We're gonna have so much fun tonight.
I mean, is the skirt too much?
Are you kidding? It's freaking awesome.
The boys are gonna die when they see you on that. Turn around.
Pull it down a little. Right there.
Just don't bend over. It is hot. Hello?
Anyways, I had such a horrible day today. I just wanna dance.
Dancing is girl ease for get hammered and talked into bed.
Common in girls is the lack of a cognizant need,
or a simple refusal to acknowledge desire for sex.
All dancing.
We are having girls' night out tonight.
Are you excited?
The boys and the girls are looking forward to going out.
But what's going out all about?
Before you go out, you have to get in.
There are three basic types of events that require some thought, or an invitation.
The club, the shi-shi bar, and the private party.
It could be a CD or film release.
A new hair salon, or an after-fashion show event.
The bouncers for each event can be distinguished by the folds of flesh
known as hot dogs on the back of their neck.
The private party bouncer, a one hot dog doorman.
The shi-shi bar bouncer.
Notice the two hot dogs folding up on each other.
And finally, the club bouncer.
A mature bouncer in his prime can maintain up to as many as eight hot dogs.
It's the sign of status amongst fully grown bouncers.
And it takes years of high-caloric eating to achieve this majesty.
Contrary to popular belief, bouncers are highly-trained professionals
who study their vocation for years at specialized training facilities,
like this one in Long Beach.
You show me how you would greet a patron.
Um, sorry. Not tonight. We got a private party.
That's it?
Yeah, she wanted to come in.
What the shit was that, man?
This is not customer service.
This is bouncer school, okay?
You gotta look like it. You gotta act like it. You gotta feel it.
Bouncing is a business fraught with contradictions.
The velvet rope, once the epitome of glamour,
is now found at the bank and the post office.
Folding your arms are good.
Right? Some posture.
Get some bass in your voice.
You look the person right in the eye,
and you squeeze those eyebrows together, okay?
Like that. Let them know you mean business.
Right?
Here they try to make sense of it all.
Maximum capacity.
Louder. I can't hear you.
At bouncer school, the principles are complex.
So, if there's nobody in there, why do we make them wait outside?
Because we need to make the club look busy.
So, we, we're just saying it's a private party.
Oh!
The lessons are difficult.
One patron in, one click.
Two patrons, double click.
Three. One, two, three.
Studies vary, ranging from bracelet application to hand-stamping.
One stamp on the top. Real simple.
Right in the center of the fist. Stamp. See?
So, what if I do him up here just like that?
Wrong. There, there, it's all wrong.
It's all wrong. See? Don't make no sense.
Now, we don't want lawsuits, so I don't want him all marked up.
So let's walk him out.
We're walking him out. Just show him a bit of love.
Like that. Nobody saw it, okay?
Maybe a little slap on the face. Nobody saw anything.
Maybe a head butt. Got that?
I got that. Okay.
Good.
You fellas follow me there?
But for those who stay the course, the rewards are certainly there.
Yeah!
Nice going. Did you guys see that?
That's what's supposed to be done.
Unless you are a regular,
the entry process at the club is random and frustrating,
and unless you personally know the bouncer, then ignore him.
Don't try and be friends.
He doesn't wanna talk to you.
The person you need to work on is the guy or girl with the list.
Let me do the talking.
Hi. Can we come in?
Are you on the list?
Maybe. I don't know if they put me on. Bryce Vandermass.
Yeah. I'm sorry, no Bryce.
What about me? Andy Harper.
Sorry, no.
Come on! Please.
Maybe later. You guys get in line.
What the fuck? There's not even anyone in there.
There's no need to swear.
Sorry, guys. Not tonight.
There's no one in there!
It's not gonna happen. It's a private party.
Nice going.
They have painted themselves into a corner,
and must endure the humiliation of walking back through the people
they just pushed in front of.
Now, let's try it again.
But this time Bryce will provide a distraction
while his friend Andy scopes the list as it is being checked.
Hey, what's up? I should be on the list.
Bryce Vandermass.
Note the confidence in his voice.
And see how Andy positions himself.
Andy studies the list while the door girl checks it.
Note how he looks for a name that has not been crossed off
with a plus one.
Maybe it's under my name. Oliver Quinn. We're bookers at Sunset Town.
Andy drops the name of an agency, because this is a talent agency party.
But it could easily have been a magazine or record release party.
The point is, it worked. So savor the moment.
Hey, can you get us in?
What's your name?
I'm Carly.
Guys, in or out.
My friend's the promoter here.
I'll go find him. Come back.
We'll get you guys in.
I just told you, go inside.
Dude, just cheer up. She's my girlfriend.
Dude, you just met her. Go inside!
Don't go anywhere. I'll be right back.
Just don't get too cocky.
Hey, how is it going, Rick?
What's going on, Ol? Hey,
this my boy Oliver and his girl.
Oliver Quinn?
That's right.
Get those two.
Easy.
Well, it sucked in there anyway.
Fuck!
What are we gonna do now?
Let's go back to the Mayan and call Hector.
Hector? Nice!
Finally, it's important to remember that sometimes
things just aren't going to go your way.
We should be on the list.
I've told you, we're at our capacity. I can't let you in.
Capacity?
If we wait for a little bit?
I'm not promising anything, but we'll see what I can do.
How are you?
Hi, Brittany.
You just let those two transvestites in.
Our friends are inside already.
Everybody's friends are inside.
Like I told you, it's capacity. There's nothing I can do.
Step out of the way. Just five?
Yeah.
Come on, dude. Don't be a dick. There's two of us.
I already told you guys three times.
We're out of capacity. There's nothing I can do about it.
Do me favor. Take a step back, get out of my face.
I'm gonna ban you from here for life. How does that sound?
All right, you're banned. Have a nice evening. Just goodnight, guys.
You know what? We don't wanna come to this shitty ass bar anyway.
It's a gay bar, anyway.
Goodnight!
Calum, who are you calling?
Hello. Is this the Fire Department?
Me and my girlfriend, we've just had intimacy now
on Wilcox at Hollywood
and there's this cabaret performer blowin' fire
and it got smokey in there.
There's a lot of people and the fire door was blocked.
Seem kinda unsafe. Just thought you should know.
That's right, ma'am. Wilcox.
Thank you.
What the fuck are you doing?
You like that?
Stupid.
As you can see, just getting in can be quite taxing.
You're up early.
Yeah, I needed my beauty sleep.
Botox's not working?
What's going on for tonight?
I don't know. Daniel over here knows about somethin'.
Oh, yes, some modeling agency thing.
Should be some hot chicks there.
Man, there's no models there.
They just say that to get dudes there.
Where's that, anyway?
At System.
System?
Forty-five.
Forty-five what?
Oh, man, fuck that!
It's important to find a place you like
where you can become a regular.
Becoming a regular has certain advantages.
Not the least of which is that you don't ever have to worry
about getting in.
This graph quantifies the main reasons why a certain bar
will be patronized.
But the best thing about being a regular is the free drink.
How do we know what's working tonight?
Ryan's at Beauty Bar.
Dan's at Star Shoes.
Right on, Cahuenga it is.
Again.
The free drink is not a bottomless cup.
Your relationship with your bartender needs to be nurtured.
If you are a girl, the bartender may be flirting with you,
so the tipping formula is not so hard and fast.
But if you are a guy and the bartender is not gay, you must tip.
There's a very specific rule that governs tipping for free drinks
known as as the Cahuenga Principle.
It states that the value of the tip given
should be no less than half the combined value of the drinks.
The tipping in itself is an art form.
Watch what happens when Peter wants to tip for a round of free drinks.
The bar back cannot be faulted for picking up the bill
since there is a real danger of it being picked up by another customer.
But now Peter's tip goes unnoticed and he won't get another free round.
What should Peter have done?
See how Peter is careful to avoid eye contact with the bartender
that won't give him free drinks.
Peter gets the drinks and palms a ten into the bartender's hand.
In the hand. No confusion.
Tipping greases the wheels. Free drinks are good for you
'cause you save money and you get to look cool.
It's good for the bartender 'cause he makes better tips.
I love your bar, man. Hot chicks and the bartender always gives me free drinks.
This guy?
Yeah.
But it's not so good for the bar owner.
What don't you understand?
So if you get free drinks, keep it to yourself.
Daniel won't be getting anymore free drinks from Tad... ever.
Since the dawn of time,
man has been trying to perfect ways to get his buzz on.
All cultures have certain methods that are accepted, and some that are not.
In the US and Europe alcohol is the drug of choice.
And make no mistake. It is a drug.
Alcohol's effects on full-grown humans are many and varied.
Ranging from clumsiness...
I fucking love you, guys.
...to euphoria, to aggression...
What you wanna do? Fuck you!
...to romance,
to just playing the top.
One of the most profound effects of alcohol
is its ability to cloud judgement,
especially as it relates to human attraction.
Simply put, the more you drink, the less you care.
Take a look at this acceptability graph.
Note the spike in the graph at last call.
We'll take a closer look at last call later.
But to make the "inhibriation" process work to our advantage,
first we have to understand it.
Scientists at the Guide's Lab in Nevada
have been running tests with fascinating results.
In this experiment, a group of mice are observed in a club environment.
The mice in the control group are content and productive.
The mice in the club environment begin to drink the vodka and beer.
After one hour, two of the mice have to be removed for fighting.
After two hours,
many of the mice have coupled up
and have begun the mating ritual.
Fantastic.
After three hours,
many of the mice exhibit signs of stress
and/or incapacitation.
Most of them seem to be intoxicated.
Exactly.
Oscar seems particularly wasted.
We'll come back to him.
But how does alcohol affect the human brain?
Here at the Boys and Girls Guide
we pride ourselves on being relevant to both boys and girls.
But boys and girls are different,
and this is evident when it comes to drinking.
Hey, Rebecca, what are you doing tonight?
I'm gonna stay home. I've got that pet adoption in the morning.
We're going out tonight. You should come.
Maybe.
Oh, come on.
A woman's brain,
one of the most complex and mysterious things known to humanity.
It has the capability to hold huge amounts of information.
It is both caring and logical,
and it can multitask.
But add white wine or martinis to the equation
and the synapses in the woman's brain begin to misfire.
Yes, baby!
What are you doing, mama?
Some girls will repeat this process
three or four times a week.
The male brain is slightly smaller than the female's,
with less emphasis on high functions.
With the addition of alcohol,
the male brain also changes.
My biceps, muscle cars, TV, hot chicks and money
become hot chicks, ass, bacon, titties, and pussy.
But curiously, the changes are nowhere near as categorical.
Alcohol or booze is perhaps the key element
in getting down with the opposite sex.
And where better to find booze than a house party.
There are certain telltale signs of a party.
This must be it.
It's disgusting!
Boys urinating is a good sign.
As is a drunken girl crying out front.
I'll give you something to cry about.
The most important element at any party is of course booze.
When planning your party, collect as many empty premium vodka bottles as you can.
Then buy the cheapest vodka you can find...
two-liter plastic bottles... and pour it into the other bottles.
No one will know, and no one will care.
But you might be able to buy enough booze to keep the party going all night.
The party you attend may be under alcohol.
If so, you may only get one trip to the bar.
Make it count.
Food is nice, but if it's after 10:30, then don't touch it.
Be sure to dance around and have some fun at the party.
If there's a theme, then dress up.
Don't worry about looking stupid.
Clean up any mess you make.
It doesn't have to be spotless,
but be seen to make an attempt.
The truth is, the place will probably be trash by tomorrow morning.
Which brings us to Guide tip number one.
Have your party at someone else's place.
I got a speaker phone on this shit.
I could send pictures but it come out digital.
Look like pacman and shit.
Hey, where...
Whassup, hammer time? How you doing?
Who is this?
This is my friend.
Oh, man, she invited me to oil her down at her photo shoot on Saturday.
Maxim, huh?
I'm getting the maximum boner sitting right here.
Also I got like a little switch blade.
There's a compartment in here somewhere.
When I figure it out, I'm gonna take it out and I'll show you.
Maybe I'll cut up something with it.
Oh, God!
Look at those two.
Oh, my God.
Kid and Play.
Mine's cute.
Dude, they look like actors from Beat Street.
Yeah, but, I mean, at least they are having fun.
Look at our friends.
Yeah, that's true. The one with the phone does have a nice ass.
That would be Play.
Can we have some of that?
You want a very special yak?
The yak?
Yeah, it's motherfuckin' on the yak, man!
Or on the cognac?
Ah-ah!
Don't I know you?
No. You can get to know me if you want to.
I got some gin.
Gin's for drunken old ladies.
Hey, Bernice, what are we gonna say
if they wanna dig a tagging later on?
Oh, y'all tag?
We got some rustles in the car. We got some purple.
Turtle green.
We were about to hit the Scientology building like at 12:00 after this.
You got...
When there's only coffee, liqueur and gin left,
it's time to play a game, kind of like an adult easter egg hunt
called the booze hunt.
Good places to look are the freezer,
but it's a little obvious.
Other cupboards in the kitchen.
Look amongst the pasta and vinegar, always towards the back.
Leave no stone unturned.
There's booze stashed somewhere.
Oh, shit. How you go about it?
Oh, shit!
It's hammer time.
While both boys and girls enjoy getting down,
boys, being more goal-oriented,
tend to take a more militaristic approach to nightlife.
Once situated, boys will go into recon mode.
Oh, my God.
Subdued by a fire marshal. It got really crazy.
But it's way better. Okay.
Check it out, man.
I see them.
Earlier on, Brittany and Tiffany
said they wanted to hang out with their friends.
But look. These clothes are not comfortable or practical.
If they met a guy they liked, it would be on.
But what do girls like?
Girls like tall, handsome guys.
And girls like rich guys who buy them things.
And guys who can dance.
Sadly, rich handsome model types who can dance
make up only 3% of the male population.
So girls are forced to learn to appreciate other qualities,
like humor.
What's got two thumbs and loves blowjobs?
Excuse me, but you're standing on my cock.
But even if you're not funny, handsome or rich, don't panic.
Dancing is easier than it's ever been.
And drinks are cheaper than ever.
And right now, Guide scientists are testing a technique
called the "shoe gazer make-over system."
So, anyway, what you got here?
Let's figure with the shoes.
Now we go something with...
You can wear anything with the checkers.
Something cute like this.
It's even a little more hip if you can add something like this
'cause it doesn't match and that's cool.
Let's see what it's all about.
How is it going?
Okay.
And Daniel needs all the help he can get.
What we're wanting to do today with Daniel,
is to give him some of that Hollywood pizzazz.
Hurry up, you faggots.
First. Hair.
Wrist bands.
And finally, tattoos.
Pants, very tight.
The pants are squishing my balls.
That's good. Good.
And the T-shirt. Something old, punk metal.
That's cool.
Obscure brand names also work as well as do the plain odd shirts.
And for your tattoo we're going with "Fuck my bush",
the title of the book you're writing.
I'm not writing a book.
You are now. Does it hurt enough?
And some nautical stars for punk rock.
Nautical stars.
That's punk rock.
One more thing.
He looks hot.
Dope.
Ooh, hey! Is that a bass?
Yeah, we just finished the show at the Viper room.
What band?
The Bleeding Chest Wounds.
You can watch us practice some time.
I'll bring some beers.
Unlike boys, when a girl is out to get down,
often all she needs to do is show up.
This is because girls possess what is known as "pussy power."
And all she has to do is give the signal.
The signal is given very quickly.
Too long, and it smacks of desperation and loses its potency.
But beware. Boys will sometimes see the signal when none was given.
I love your shoes. Where did you get them?
Gucci.
I love Gucci.
Have you been to the Gucci store in Vegas?
So, a good defensive game is imperative for a fun night out.
She does?
I love strip, Charlie.
I wanted to be a stripper at one time.
They wouldn't take me. I needed new boobs or something.
He was just being friendly.
In fact, friendship was the last thing on his mind.
But it doesn't stop here. Some boys will offer drinks.
Others will clown around.
Those with less imagination will simply stand nearby
and try to catch her eye.
Rings are good for warding off unwanted advances.
Can you see I'm engaged?
All right.
As are girlfriends.
How is it going? Can I buy you a drink?
No. I'm hanging out with my girlfriends.
And girlfriends work even if they're not there.
Hey.
I'm hanging out with my girlfriends tonight.
And if you don't have a ring,
you can always invent a fake boyfriend.
An excellent way to meet the guy you are actually interested in.
Hola, belleza. You are so fine.
Honey, what's taking these drinks so long?
I mean, we've been waiting here forever. I'm so thirsty.
I just can't...
Honey, hi. You forget you have a girlfriend?
You can't keep it in your pants for two minutes while I take a piss?
You can have her. Puta.
After getting to know each other a little, comes the crucial moment
where the differences between boys and girls are evident.
Bro, check out Greg.
The boys are pleased for their comrade.
That's cool.
But he was driving. How am I supposed to get home?
You'll have to walk.
Fuck. My heart pills.
Your what?
My medicine. I left it in the car.
Suck it up, bro. She's going with him.
Greg doesn't want to risk leaving Rebecca alone in case she changes her mind.
He guides her to the car without saying goodbye to his friends.
The girls however have a completely different ethos.
Like the marines, no one is left behind.
This is your car?
Yeah. Be careful.
Mmm! Get in, baby.
I bumped my head.
Where are you going?
Rebecca? You're drunk.
We'll take you home.
Actually, I was gonna drive her home.
That's nice, but we don't even know you. We can't let her leave with you.
- But I want to. - No, you don't.
Yes, she does.
Leave me alone, you jealous bitches.
Shut up! Rebecca, bring your ass. Get out of the car.
Baby!
Ow!
You're an asshole.
You are lucky we didn't call the cops.
I'm on Myspace!
Fuck.
We talked earlier about how girls have control,
and touched on the subject of pussy power.
But what exactly is it?
Pussy power is a natural force that, when wielded skillfully,
can turn any situation to a girl's advantage.
Women have relied upon it since the dawn of time.
For thousands of years employment options for women have been limited.
Even today it's not an even playing field.
So women have had to figure out other methods of getting the things they want.
Young girls learn how to use it from an early age.
An experienced woman can gain the upper hand in almost any situation
involving heterosexual men.
She is coming along nicely.
You don't have to be ridiculously hot, but it helps.
Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?
You made an illegal left turn from the right hand lane
back at Third and Alameda.
It was a safe turn.
Actually, it was a really safe turn.
I have to say I don't see those every day.
I'll give this to you. If you ever have any problem,
just give me a call. My number's on the back.
Thank you, Officer.
I know. You want a drink?
Yeah.
Champagne. Now.
I will get you champagne now.
And the genius of it is...
Good. You can go now.
...she never actually has to give out the pussy.
This is now the ladies' bathroom.
Ladies' bathroom.
Dude, ladies' bathroom.
But if she should decide she wants to go home with someone...
None of you.
One more thing about pussy power:
It only works in certain situations.
Excuse me. We're dancing at Bazonga's in ten minutes. Do you mind if we...
We have all got places to be, okay?
You gonna have to wait your turn.
Can you believe her?
That bitch thought she was hot, but she was not.
I don't know who's gonna pay her to dance.
Let's go.
And while we are on the subject:
Girls, if you ever want to simply go out and dance,
then a gay club is definitely the way to go.
Lots of hot, well-dressed guys
who know how to have fun and won't hassle you.
But be warned. There's a certain breed of guy
who's not gay, but will pretend to be just to get laid.
The logic is sound. Meet John.
By day he's a hetero construction worker.
By night he goes by Mario and he's a fake homosexual or fauxmo.
Where'd you get that rack?
I just got 'em done! Aren't they great?
Yeah!
I had big boobs to begin with.
That's why they feel so soft, because my natural boobs are on top.
You can touch 'em if you want.
They're kinda hard.
Here. Let me feel.
Hm.
Mm-hm.
Yeah. They feel pretty real.
Under the muscle?
Yeah! How did you know?
I'm a designer. I deal with models all the time.
You're a designer?
You should come to my studio some time.
I would love to make you a dress.
So you're a designer, huh?
Yeah, whatever.
To what school did you go?
What boutiques do you sell to?
Listen, you little faggot. You better back the fuck off
or I'm gonna whoop your ass.
My God, I love this song!
Come dance with me.
Okay.
Oh, my God, you're so cute!
I can't believe that you're gay.
I hate L.A. All the cute guys are gay.
So, you've never been with a girl before?
No way, man.
I mean, don't get me wrong. I love girls, but...
they just don't do it for me.
How do you know until you try?
Look, dude, I like balls.
What can I say?
Are you trying to tell me that this body
does not make you hot?
Honey, I could give you a blowjob better than any other guy in this bar.
Look, Angie,
you're a beautiful, sweet, intelligent girl.
But I'm a guy. I like guys.
Listen, why don't we just go to my house
and if you feel uncomfortable at all, I'll stop.
Promise.
Okay.
I'll just go close out my tab. I'll be right back.
Mario seems to be getting somewhere with this technique.
But it can prove problematic.
Whoa, whoa! Dude, what are you doing? This taxi is taken!
Oh, no. Mario, this is a friend of mine.
This is Brutus. He's coming with us.
That's right, Mario. Ooh, we're gonna eat you up.
Don't worry. It'll be fun!
Drugs are an important part of getting down.
Drugs can be divided into two main groups.
Sketchy and fun.
Sketchy drugs are the ones that will dominate
and mess up your life and your complexion.
Fun drugs are those that are used recreationally to have a bit of fun.
Sketchy drugs include speed, heroin, crack, and cocaine when it's smoked.
Sketchy drugs should be avoided at all cost by any boy or girl
who wants to get down.
Fun drugs include weed, ecstasy, and cocaine.
These drugs are basically harmless,
and some will argue good for you.
Moderation being the key.
But where do drugs come from?
Buying drugs off the street is asking for trouble.
In this experiment, the Guide sent four lab assistants downtown
to purchase some drugs.
Do you know where I could buy some weed?
No, man, I don't fucking know.
Fuck out of my face, man.
Okay. All right. Thank you.
Excuse me. You guys know where I could buy some weed?
You know, the chronic.
Yeah, what you want?
I actually, I have 50. Is that enough?
Oh, hey, I got some good shit.
My name's Dillon by the way.
Jason bought some weed.
All right. Thank you.
Whenever you see drugs heavily wrapped in saran,
it's because the people selling it to you don't want to be around
when you finally manage to open it.
Marijuana? No, marinada.
Rajeev tried to buy some coke.
I'm looking for some cocaine.
I got you, man. You got some money?
Yeah, I've got $50.
Gimme the money. I'll be right back.
All right. I got you.
Thank you so much.
Most troubling was Alex's adventure.
He was arrested and is now in a holding cell at the Rampart's Division.
The details are still a little unclear.
Rajeev's persistence paid off.
And he was finally able to purchase some cocaine.
I will be inhaling the narcotic now.
Our scientists here at the Boys and Girls Guide
did some tests on this coke.
And it turned out to be 60% foot powder, 40% baking soda.
For the same $40, Rajeev could've bought
this much foot powder and baking soda.
Nicely done.
The baggie was not a good value.
The point is that in order to get down,
you will need to find your own drug dealer who will come to your home.
But drug dealers are not like regular people.
The first thing you will notice about a drug dealer
is that he always has the best shit that hasn't been stepped on.
A1 butter.
Just the real motherfuckin' deal.
It's the shit that makes the president go "hm".
It's what you better can fuck with.
You won't wanna fuck with nobody else. Don't fuck with my car.
Come check me, you're gonna get that O.G. Kush.
It's the one hit wonder all the way from my hippies in Arcadia.
I'm telling you, it's the only way to go.
You could smoke that stress and give you a headache.
You won't be able to kick the girls off in the club smoking that shit.
That's what I call a tupperware party.
These shrooms are great, and they will get you fucked up.
It's pure MDMA from Amsterdam.
You know, you may be able to get it cheaper,
but you won't be able to get it better.
This one comes straight from Peru.
Doesn't have any withdrawal.
You will enjoy the sex. You will be sleeping.
At the end of the day you wanna sleep.
You have a good time and you wanna sleep. How much you wanted?
It's pointless to ask the drug dealer about the quality of the merchandise,
because until the FDA gets involved
you are just going to have to take his word for it.
And finally, drug dealers have their own way of talking.
A kind of code. Drugs are referred to as T-shirts
or CDs, things.
How many T-shirts?
An eight ball. Uh, three and a half T-shirts.
Yeah, all right.
You remember where it is?
I'll be there in 15 minutes.
The second thing that you notice about drug dealers
is that their concept of time is different from regular people.
Note the correlation between drug dealer time and human time.
If he says he'll be there in half an hour, it really means an hour and a half.
Where he is? Still wait. I'm not calling.
This is fuckin' bullshit, bro.
Dude, you know, when he gets here, you have to wait in the bathroom.
What? That's fuckin' bullshit, bro.
It's how it's done.
I don't have any money.
That explains the outfit.
I'll make it up to you.
Hey, hey! Just checking up.
Just wanted to make sure, you know...
I told ya I'll be there in 10 minutes.
This is bullshit! I'm gonna call my other guy.
You got another guy?
No.
You should call him.
Dude, we're not calling him again.
Maybe he forgot.
Dude, I know him. He's a professional.
He's late.
We're not calling.
I'm gonna call him.
All has been forwarded to an automatic voice message.
Voice mail.
It's Hector.
Thank you, Hector.
All right. I appreciate it.
Dude, it's so fucking humiliating.
Oh, shit. What a nice score!
With enough time for a last call.
Let's make it happen.
Once you have a dealer who you are comfortable with,
the more you buy, the better price you get.
So pretty soon you can hook up your friends and get your drugs for free.
But at this point you're in danger of turning into a mini drug dealer,
so be careful. If travelling, keep your stash in the glove box.
The police need a warrant to search it. If you are pulled over,
and they ask to look around the vehicle...
Do you mind if we take a look around the vehicle?
Knock yourselves out.
...it's right off to the cops at your own risk.
Is that weed I smell?
Smells like probable cause to me.
Put your hands on the back.
Come on, man. This is bullshit.
You guys got nothing better to do, man?
Come on, let's go.
At the end of the day, they make all the rules.
Yo, smoke some weed.
I got some Hungarian made chronic.
Dude, they all smoke break.
Oh, shit.
Hey, let's go smoke some herb.
Weed is an important part of getting down
and retaining your sanity in big cities.
Not quite as much fun as alcohol, but it doesn't give you a hangover.
It's such a benign substance that doctors prescribe it,
and yet curiously it's illegal.
Right now, weed is cheap, good, and easy to get.
So let's hope it stays illegal.
There are really only two types of weed.
Dirt weed or shake. And skunk weed,
also known as kind bud, chronic, and the good shit among other things.
Dirt weed is cheaper and full of twigs and seeds,
lacking in potent hairy buds.
Just because it's not as strong,
it doesn't mean it's without merit.
Dirt weed is great for in the mornings.
Or at work.
Skunk weed is the pungent, sticky buds that get you super high.
Good for traffic jams,
and it can make any food taste like a gourmet feast.
The government will tell you that years of smoking weed
will make you stupid. This is incorrect.
Every time you smoke weed, you will become more stupid
if only temporarily.
Don't think for a second that if you get stoned at the party
you will be witty and clever.
I love getting iry.
What?
I used to smoke weed with L. Ron Hubbard.
And remember Guide tip number two:
Don't smoke weed if you are already drunk.
She's a happy drunk, and she loves getting stoned.
But mixed together she gets the spins.
Weed is superb for hangovers, stress, or any kind of nausea.
It's also very effective against feminine abdominal issues.
Weed can be ingested in a number of ways.
Most common is the joint.
Joints are constructed thus.
First, you sprinkle the weed throughout the length, like so.
And if you don't want a pregnant one, you use your finger.
Then, you gently pinch the tips with your fingers.
And roll the shaft with your thumbs.
Not too tight,
or it'll be hard to suck.
You lick it...
you stick it, and that's how I roll.
Look at it. Magnificent.
Fantastic.
And now you smoke.
This bikini is too tight.
Mine, too. It's so scratchy.
Let's switch.
Joints turn weed into a social drug
because they are often passed around.
But there are strict rules about passing joints.
Whoever's weed it is, can smoke as much as he or she likes
before passing.
We'll know about puff-puff-give.
It's not puff-chat, chat-puff-give.
Tell your story when you're not holding the joint.
What the fuck?
Look, man, don't baby-sit the shit, okay?
I wasn't done with that.
You're done now.
And it's bad manners to kill it
if there are still people waiting for their first hit.
I suppose you smoke this, Tinkerbell.
You're a cool ass, chick.
Advanced stoners employ a technique
known as "the go between."
Without question, the most effective way to smoke your weed is with a bong.
The water filters out most of the tar and it cools the smoke down.
The brochure that came with this bong says it removes 80% of the tar.
That sounded high,
so we ran our own tests.
Go ahead. What's gonna happen? Is it gonna be soft?
This is good. You ready?
Give me a break. God, Jesus! Bro!
I have a hole in my hand!
But the results were inconclusive.
Now you're ready to face the day,
no matter how stressful your job.
After a few drinks, the boys are getting antsy
and want to purchase some cocaine.
It's always advisable to figure out your drug requirements ahead of time.
You get a better deal, it's safer, and you can prep your poison properly.
But sometimes it's not possible.
When buying drugs at a bar or a club,
it's important to remember certain guidelines.
You see the mistake here. Too conspicuous.
Now, let's try it again, but this time Tony already has the money together.
Once you've acquired your cocaine,
the next thing to remember is to have some fun.
Chop it up as fine as you can,
because to get the desired effect, it has to get into the blood stream.
Larger lumps simply dissolve in mucus and drip down your throat.
Finer powder is absorbed through the nasal membranes.
It's all about the surface area.
The finer powder has more surface area.
Let's go back to the lab.
In one tank the mice are offered food and alcohol.
The other tank is identical,
except our scientists add a solution of cocaine hydrochloride.
Look at the behavior of the coke mice.
Alternating between the stash, the vodka, and the wheel
they have no interest in the nearby food.
Watch what happens when we introduce a mouse on cocaine into the other tank.
Some of the mice are crashed out, but note how the mice that are still up
can sense that he has been taking cocaine.
See how they gather around him, as if they are trying to get something from him.
Two valuable lessons are learned here.
If you're going to drink all night, cocaine will balance out the alcohol.
You won't get so drunk, and you will be able to party till dawn.
Secondly, others can sense when you have cocaine, and will pester you for it.
Watch what happens here. Tony has just hooked up a 40 bag.
And now he's talking to Brittany, a girl he has just met.
Why? You got some?
He hesitates, but he's already committed.
Here you go.
Thanks!
I need to tell you about Jennifer.
She fucked last night.
Are you serious? You're kidding me!
Hey, you want some?
Sure.
How funny was that?
Hush.
She's such a whore.
I know.
Bryan wasn't in. I heard it first hand.
You really should. You really, really should.
What do you want? Another one? Come, girl.
Here you go.
I'm pretty good. My face is numb.
Okay.
Hey.
You got the rest of my shit?
Yeah. There was, like, hardly anything in there.
Or she might say something like...
Hey.
You got the rest of my shit?
There must've been a hole or something in the bag.
Sometimes it's an honest mistake.
Sometimes it's just inexperience.
I don't really feel so good.
Sometimes it's malicious.
And sometimes it's just playing stupid.
Oh!
Did I get any?
Blow in. Not out, bitch.
But a point to remember is that a fool and his baggie are soon separated.
Let's start over again.
Yeah, I love it. Why? You got some?
Yeah. Just follow me.
It's fun ducking into a bathroom or a storeroom for a toot,
but it's not always practical.
The advanced partier will often use a technique known as "the guest bindle"
to defend against moochers.
Hey, hey, you got a bump?
The guest bindle is a paper fold constructed thus.
Once constructed, a good rule of thumb
is to put a fifth of the amount you have in the guest bindle.
You must choose glossy magazine paper.
Not too flimsy or it will tear.
Other types of paper like photocopy or newspaper are unsuitable
because they are too porous.
On one side we use a bindle made from glossy magazine paper...
and on the other side a bindle made from regular photocopy paper.
Moisture is cocaine's mortal enemy.
As you can see, the coke in the photocopy paper is ruined.
The wet cocaine is not completely useless.
It can be dried by microwaving it in ten-second increments.
But use this technique only if absolutely necessary.
Any time cocaine gets near a microwave,
you're just a dab of baking soda away from becoming a crackhead.
The coke in the glossy bindle is safe and dry.
But we digress. Let's watch the guest bindle in action.
Peter hands off the guest bindle without trepidation.
He gets to look like a generous rock star...
and he knows he has plenty left for later.
Meanwhile, back at the house party things are coming to a close.
You know you've done something right when the cops break up the party.
Oh, man, who the fuck invited the cops, man?
That's bullshit. Hey, man, the fucking cops is here!
They will show up, so be ready for them.
Is this supposed to be funny?
Yes.
Man, I don't give a fuck about these cops. They can suck my dick.
That's some gay shit. I'm trying to get that gay shit.
Are you sure you don't wanna come to this other party with me?
No, I'm just gonna go with him.
I don't wanna be left alone.
Just go with the other one. He's cute.
I'm so fucked up. I just wanna go home and get some dick.
Hey, Officer. If I fall down, will you draw a chalk outline around me?
Walk on.
Hey, hey. Oh, oh, oh.
See ya. She's gonna be all right with him?
Yeah. He's Christian. He, like, goes to a synagogue and shit.
She could kick his ass anyway.
Do we go to this other party?
Here at the Guide we do not condone drinking and driving.
It should be avoided at all costs.
Remember Oscar?
At first he seems fine, but notice the lack of coordination
as he tries to round obstacles.
His spatial awareness is diminished, and reaction times are greatly reduced,
leading to an accident and possibly injuring the mouse.
Okay, guys, they're on their way down.
10-4. We're all set.
DUI, you motherfuckers. They're coming down.
Drinking and driving is no joke,
but sometimes it's unavoidable.
So, here are some tips.
Plan your route.
Always check your lights twice.
No lights at night is the number one reason that cops pull drunk drivers over.
Take side streets, and drive carefully.
If you can, do your drinking and driving during office hours.
Much less chance of being pulled over.
Certain behaviors are sure to get you arrested.
It's like a fuckin' video game, huh?
Dude, what, are you fucked up or something, man?
Check that you are wearing your seat belt.
It's cool.
Shut the fuck up, bro. I need to concentrate.
And that your passengers.
But if you are really too drunk, then get someone else to drive.
Because if you don't...
Hide the fuckin' beer, dude. Put the fucking beer...
Come on, bro, let's go!
Hang on.
Oh, yeah.
Dude, we can't both be to the side.
Bars are fun, but eventually they close.
Last call is a rallying cry for kids who like to get down.
There are decisions to be made and strategies to formulate.
And not much time. But before you jump into anything,
remember the acceptability graph.
This graph is based on a phenomenon called "beer goggles"
or "sider vicer" for the younger lush.
The effects are startling.
Marty?
I gotta go. I'm house-sitting at this kick-ass house.
Whose place is it?
It's Mr. Belding's house. "Saved by the Bell". He was the principal.
Let's go!
Um, okay.
Yeah, but just keep it to the two of you guys.
Maybe a couple of girls.
But that is it. It's gotta be small. Very small.
You, uh, ladies interested in going to a party up in the hills?
Where?
Mr. Belding's house.
From "Saved by the Bell".
Whatever. Are there gonna be drugs?
Heaps of it.
Who says it never snows in L.A.?
There are always parties.
But sometimes, if you've met someone, the smart play is ditching out.
Yeah, let's go.
How about your friend?
Forget about her. I don't really like the bitch.
Let's go.
Outside the bar is an excellent place to figure out where the after party is.
But it's not even 1:30.
Have a good night.
Fuck!
What are we gonna do?
Do you wanna come to the party tonight?
Yeah, where is it?
Hey, Eugene, where's that party?
At 1548 Harcony.
Let's go!
Make sure you know where it is.
It's important to remember that when you get to the party,
introduce yourself to the host. And if you can, bring something.
Booze, drugs, or at the very least
make sure you show up in a group with both boys and girls.
Fuck! It's all dudes.
Editing a party is a tough job, but sometimes it just has to be done.
Otherwise you are in danger of having a "sausage party."
I'll take care of this.
Go hide in the back bedroom for one second.
Uh, hey, everybody. I hate to do this. I really hate to do this,
but I gotta get up, like, super early in the morning.
So I gotta start, like, asking you guys to leave, okay?
I hate to break it up. Sorry about that.
You guys have been cool. Thanks a lot, man. Good to see you.
I'm sorry. Terrible about it. The neighbors and stuff.
Uh, Marty, is it?
Yeah. Sorry, guys. It's just getting really late.
I just wanted to say hi,
and my friend Charlie wanted to say hi.
Yeah, yeah, come on in.
This is my friend Andy.
But with all that said and done,
it's time to get down and have some fun.
The brutal truth about coked up after parties
is that they can be a little dull.
A bunch of kids sitting around the mirror waiting for someone else
to put out the next line.
Dude, I don't know what the dizzle is here, man.
We're getting freakin' shut out.
I know, man. Dismissed.
Fucking Stonewall Jackson. What is this bullshit?
Hey. That Asian keeps looking over here.
- For real? - She's into me.
Dude, check up that fucking blondie right there.
I'm part Asian, Cock-Asian. Aha.
Look at that skirt. Look at that fucking skirt. Bring that over.
Bring that shit to me.
Let's start our party here.
It's fucking like an iceberg up in this fucking mug here.
How are you doing?
Hi.
I'm Andy.
Bryce.
Just a few years ago getting down after a night of partying
would have been an extreme endeavour
fraught with doubts about the upcoming performance.
You know I never do this, right?
It's a hard fact that coke and ecstasy
can not only affect the boy's ability to achieve and maintain an erection,
it can also shrink his manhood to the slze of a tater top.
It's okay, baby.
We can do other things.
Give me a second. I think it's getting hard.
Come on, little fella.
I'm bored.
I'm gonna watch some TV.
Pushing rope is no fun for anyone.
But nowadays we have a little blue pill
that helps us through the flaccid marshland and onto hard ground.
See how Brittany breaks off just a quarter of the pill.
And while Tony is not looking,
she crushes it into the cocaine on the mirror.
Don't worry, big boy.
Let's just shoot the rest of these lines and hang out.
Here.
Don't be afraid, guys.
Viagra is not just for impotent men and geriatrics.
Don't take the whole thing.
They're not cheap, and you'll be hard for the next two days.
Just bite the nick off the corner half an hour before you're ready to rock and roll.
And once one figures out how to combine ecstasy and Viagra in the same pill...
If God took drugs, this would be his favorite.
You came already?
The only thing you need to worry about are the warnings on the pill box.
Oh, my chest.
Are you okay? Are you okay?
Oh, shit.
Brittany's heart was in the right place,
but giving drugs to anyone without their knowledge is definitely not cool.
Tony is taking medication for a hereditary cardiac condition.
Fuck, my heart pills, man.
Your what?
My nitroglycerine. I left it in the car.
Suck it up, bro.
Oh, my God.
Don't you worry, Miss. Your boyfriend is gonna be just fine.
He's not my boyfriend. I just met him tonight. I don't have a boyfriend.
Oh, what a shame.
You're so funny. We should hang out some time.
Sure!
Take my number.
5552...
Poor Tony. But knowing he has a heart condition,
playing around with cocaine wasn't the smartest thing to do in the first place.
There are certain people you want to avoid at after parties.
The most common is the talker.
Some people go to church, like, four days a week or like scientologists.
They're like totally crazy, like.
Who really cares about oil?
I mean, you just need it for cars and stuff.
We've all heard of coke whores. These are coke bores.
Like I like kittens and puppies and...
Oh, my God!
Dude, that's enough.
Oh, my... What the fuck?
And, musicians, this is not the time or the place
to jam or debut your band's new CD.
Wait. Listen to this bit.
And finally, the "is it any good" guy.
What's up?
How you doing? You want a bump?
Is it any good?
You'd fucking hate it, man.
If someone is nice enough to offer their drugs to you, don't be a dick.
I might not hate it.
To keep your after party fun, have some activities arranged.
Charades can be fun.
But guys, especially macho guys, are often reluctant.
They will tattoo their knuckles, and mouth off to the cops,
but the sound... chills their spine.
God's spell.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
God, you're so good.
Well done. You're up.
I ain't doing it.
Too gay.
So have something a little more manly available.
Let's see.
All right. Here you go.
Thank you.
But do beware of the drunk guy.
What is that, lipstick?
No, lip gloss.
Oh, my God.
He's got to go.
I do not know him.
I really like your necklace.
Dude, don't put it all out. Save some for later.
I don't give a fuck. It's just how I do.
Hey. Right, fellas? I'm good.
Oh!
You can microwave that.
Board games rule,
and it's easy to turn pretty much any board game into an adult version.
Take it off.
That's right.
Your pants.
Oh. It's fucked up.
Earlier on we talked about the difference between fun drugs and sketchy drugs.
Cocaine is a sketchy drug when it is smoked...
but also has the potential to affect a small percentage of people in a sketchy way
by turning them into fiends.
You can always recognize a fiend.
They do not have their own drugs because they've done them all.
They cannot help but glance at the mirror every 30 seconds.
They will scrape and scrape in between lines to get a few extra crumbs.
They will be calling drug dealers at 10:30 the next morning.
It's no fun being a fiend.
But unlike the talker, the fiend can be amusing.
Are you from L.A.?
Um...
Um, I grew up in New York.
You doing the acting thing?
Yeah. I've got, like, all these offers and stuff.
That's good. Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
Sometimes if the fiend is a girl, she'll pretend to be into a boy just for the drugs.
I did a Fruit of the Loom commercial.
Were you the grapes?
I was the banana. 'Cause I'm yellow, you know.
This girl is known as a coke tease.
Can I...?
If her boy feels that this is the case, there's a simple test he can use
known as the titty bump test.
Let me do it off your nipple.
Implants are particularly good for the titty bump test
because of the angle of the dangle.
Look at this graph.
Notice how the drugs fall to the floor on the natural breast.
In this case, the girl should lean back to avoid waste.
The augmented breast is more pronounced,
so the cocaine is able to get good purchase on the nipple.
The fake breast also lends a free song of Vegas to the whole situation
which most kids agree is kind of fun.
And the experienced titty bumper can easily parley
the titty bump test into a suckle.
Even if the girl refuses, the titty bump test rarely backfires.
That guy just asked me to do a line off my breast.
What an asshole!
I'll go talk to him. Let me talk to him.
Can you believe that? It's so wrong.
Yeah. Just do it.
Did you just ask to do a bump off of June's titty?
Yeah.
That takes a lot of balls, man. Way to go.
Between you and me, that chick is a complete fiend.
She's always mooching coke. Never buying it.
Tell me about it. She left me, like, two lines, man.
Do you wanna do one?
Yeah. Can I do it off your titty?
No, I'm fucking with you.
But it's not all laughs and tomfoolery.
Would you have unprotected sex with this person?
Bad example. Uh, what about this person?
For sharing a straw is just like doing this.
A sobering thought.
And sobriety has its place in the life of kids who want to get down.
Mostly in the mornings and some afternoons, too.
But it's almost impossible to get down and be sober.
So beware.
You want a bump?
No, I'm straight-edged. That's shit.
What we need here is a bit of fun.
Oh, it's a cop out. What are you trying to escape from?
Mostly you.
What are you even doing here anyway?
You know, I don't do coke, either.
With all the fun you've been having,
the time flies and it's soon 5:30 a.m.
At about this time, some bright spark
will start making plans for tomorrow with their new best friends.
Let's go to Vegas.
Yeah.
For real, dudes.
Let's go get a pint.
You can agree to do any of these things
because everybody knows that there's no way it will actually happen.
It's more of a ritual during which boys and girls
can pretend that the following day is not a complete write off.
We should all go play paint ball.
With morning approaching, it's nearly time to go home
with that special boy or girl you've been flirting with all night.
They all left. And now I don't have a ride home.
I can probably give you a ride.
Or they've already gone, then with the best of whoever's left.
First, why don't we, uh, stop in my place?
Okay.
Guide tip number four: Remember your sunglasses.
Try not to hate the rest of the world as it goes about its business.
Remember, it's you who is the freak.
# Sirens sounding out Are we going to war #
# A film of yesterday On a broken down door #
# Send me something real To ignore or explore #
# And I'll show you all The things that I saw #
# Today #
# The words don't mean Enough for us to say #
# For us to say #
# Today #
# To steal the moment That we gave away #
# We gave away #
# Gave it away #
So, like, I'm a real romantic kind of girl.
I love relationships. I love when guys bring me roses.
And candle-lit dinners.
And also I love long walks.
And I think the best part of our relationship is good communication.
Like, when you finish to say your sentences.
I mean, it's so cool, 'cause it's like two minds
but you really are thinking with one. What are you doing?
I guess there's only one way to shut you up, isn't there?
No, I mean...
Anyways, I love when a guy picks me up
and, like, he opens the door for me.
I like showing. It just makes you feel like such a classy lady.
In an ideal world, you'll have a great time getting down with your friend
and will wake up the following morning and swear undying love for each other.
But sometimes it wasn't meant to be.
I just woke up.
I've got Run DMC in my bed. What the fuck am I supposed to do?
Oh, just... I don't know.
Tell him your mom's coming over or something.
I'll call you later. Bye-bye.
Okay, bye.
Hey.
Watch out, L.L.
Was gonna get the gold chain.
Uh, Joey, hey.
Hey, I just talked to my mom.
She just called, and she's coming to take me to breakfast in 10 minutes.
I wanna sleep for like ten more minutes.
You go, eat a biscuit or somethin'.
Oh, my God.
Seriously, you gotta get up.
Please. Please. Come on!
Look, c'mon, man! I'm trying to sleep! Goddamn, I'm tired!
I'm tired! Look at my face. I'm tired.
Get the fuck out of my room.
Goddamn!
I asked you nicely to get out of my bed.
Now, put your Santa suit on and get the fuck out.
What happened to morning manners? That's bullshit.
It's not bullshit. That outfit's bullshit.
It's not, man. I'm getting out of here.
You know what? All you bitches are the same.
All act the same. And you know what?
I didn't wanna say nothing, but your house smells like cat shit.
Smells like Garfield has walked up in here and took a shit.
My goddamn glasses.
You know what? One day you'll be all by yourself.
Oh, God. Are you still talking?
You'll be sitting here and with all the cats playing poker or whatever,
'cause you ain't got no goddamn friends. And they'll be shitting,
and you won't be seeing any 'cause you're crazy and you'll have a great moha.
Shut the fuck up!
Will you just shut the fuck up and get out of my house?
I'm out. I'm out of here.
Good. Get, go, scram, get out. Get the fuck out!
This is nasty. It is shit over here!
You never shut up. You talk and talk and talk and talk.
This is not sexy. You keep human shit on the side of your bed?
That's what it smells like.
Did your cat used to be a man? 'Cause it smells like man shit in here.
Just get out. Put your fucking sneakers on and run.
Get the fuck out!
You know what? I'm gonna tell all my boys
that you have a Mohawk on your pussy. You pussy Mohawk.
Bad planning on Kate's part has led to a tense situation in the morning.
But look what happens if she had laid the groundwork the night before.
Uh. You can come in for a little bit.
Hang out, whatever. But you can't stay the night,
because my mom's coming in the morning.
If she sees you here, she'll freak out.
It's cool. That's all right.
Oh, um, I'm not gonna fuck you.
I know.
Oh, shit.
Nobody likes a stranger in their bed after a hard night out.
So not staying over is definitely the way to go. But beware.
Anyone under the age of 23 will need cab money in order to get themselves home.
You need some cab money?
Yeah, 20 would be great.
You live around the block.
Be a stand-up guy. Don't make her ask.
It's five.
So, keep some small bills around for just such an occasion.
Hey, uh, can I borrow these?
Thanks.
I just paid eight bucks for those!
Remember, anything she borrows, you will never see again.
Drugs and alcohol, while a lot of fun,
are not known for the wisdom they lend to the decision making process.
If you are thinking about going home with someone but you are not sure
or you know you're wasted, then don't.
That's my house.
Trees and stuff and...
You know, um, I can't do this.
What do you mean, you can't do this?
I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this.
You want to have this?
No, it's not about that.
I'm a second date kind of girl.
All right. We'll just go inside.
But I'll call you.
You're a really great guy, Orlando.
And I'll call you. I promise. I'll call you.
You don't have my number.
Oh. Uh...
Uh, what is it?
In cases like these, your hand is your friend. So show it some appreciation.
Of all the advice in this Guide,
this is the truest for both boys and girls.
Go home alone. Pull your pod.
Choke your chicken. Beat your meat.
You wanna make party with me?
Girls, rub one out, diddle the skittle, check your oil.
Hey, this soap scum comes right off.
Spare a thought for all those who have made your night fun.
You explain to me what the heck vicious masturbation is.
And for those who have to clear up your mess this morning.
You fucking cock suckers.
Felix? Call me back. It's important.
My God. What the hell is going on here?
Did Felix send you?
No. Marty? Oh, my God, my house.
Marty?
Fuck!
Marty!
What is going on here?
I had a couple of people over.
They all gotta go, Marty. She's gotta go.
He's gotta go. Don't drop the...
I know, I know. Everybody, we gotta go.
I'm waiting for someone.
No, sweetheart, you're leaving. Everybody, Marty.
Everybody. Guys, you gotta get out of here. They're gone.
Everybody! You know who everybody means?
You. Okay? Anything else?
Uh, I wouldn't look in your bathroom for a while.
And don't look in the pool. The pool's kinda...
Don't look at the pool.
If you have to be at work in a few hours,
have your excuse ready.
I'm totally bloated. I'm just a monster.
Or better...
I'm really sick.
Because this isn't even a lie.
I think I ate bad shrimp.
And as for those boys and girls who did struggle in...
cut them a little slack.
Don't talk too loud.
But most of all, don't beat yourself up.
You had more fun in the last ten hours
than most people do in a month.
Don't be ashamed.
Eugene! My butt hurts.
No, it doesn't. Don't be such a baby.
Don't give up.
And try not to freak out.
Peter. Hey, Peter. Peter!
What?
Greg just called.
He said something about finding Tony's pills in his car.
He wants to know if he still needs them.
Why are you asking me?
'Cause he's not here.
Woo! Aha!
You like that, eh?
Woo!
Trust me. He's having the time of his life.
What's up? Hello. Let's have a little look.
Oh, yes.
Uhh!
Redness and swelling.
Smoke this twice a day before meals.
And complete the full course of treatment.
Are you a real doctor?
Of course I'm a real doctor.
Thanks.
Jesus Christ! Loud as hell.
Just chill.
Phoenix like, you'll rise again.
Jesus Christ. People are trying to sleep.
It's 4:00, asshole.
Dude, I scored with the hottest chick last night.
I know. I was there!
I just sent you some pictures.
Dude, she's a freaking porno. Did you tag her?
Dude, it was insane. We got it on like Donkey Kong.
Dude, is she asleep?
Well, she wouldn't, you know, let me take any while...
- She was hot, man. I needed proof. - I don't blame you, bro.
Nice one. This one's going right to the front of the spank-o-dex.
Dude!
She left her scrunchy.
Ooh.
You gotta smell this, bro.
Yeah.
Peaches.
Oh. The sweet smell of success.
Like a bouquet.
Nice doing, bro.
Oh!
Never again.
Guide tip number six:
Never again. Well, not for a few days anyway.
Peter! Bring your skinny ass up here.
Give me some more loving.
Come home to mama, baby.
Here I come! Are you ready?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Fuck that, man.
# All I do all day is max and relax and smoke pot #
# You ask me how much Dude a whole lot #
# Got so many fucking lines in my rhymes it needs botox #
# Last night I banged a chick with a Mohawk #
# I beat it up She was Rodney King I was four cops #
# I think I forgot to use a rubber I hope not #
# 'Cause I don't know what the fuck that punk rock ho got #
# Tic-toc and you don't stop Unless you're a crazy motherfucker #
# And you're rocking My broke watch #
# Oh fuck that 'Cause I don't need no clock #
# Tell me, Johnny, that it's time to do the robot #
That shit was hard, right?
# Fight for your right to #
# Party #
# Fight for your right to #
# Be free #
# Fight for your right to #
# Say anything #
# Fight for your right to #
# Be anyone #
# Get naked #
# Shake it #
# Fight for your right to #
# Party #
# Fight for your right to #
# Be free #
# Fight for your right to #
# Say anything #
# Fight for your right to #
# Be anyone #
# Get naked #
# Shake it #
# Fight for your right to #
# Party #
# Fight for your right to #
# Be free #
# Fight for your right to #
# Say anything #
# Fight for your right to #
# Be anyone #
# Get naked #
# Shake it #
# Fight for your right to #
# Party #
# Fight for your right to #
# Be free #
# Fight for your right to #
# Say anything #
# Fight for your right to #
# Be anyone #
# Get naked #
# Shake it #