[hip hop music]
[man] Listen up, pledges!
This frat's Halloween parties have always been epic.
[men] Epic!
And this year will be no exception.
My reputation is on the line.
So if I fail, you all fail.
And we all know that Jonathan doesn't fail, right?
- [all] Right! - Got it?
[man] Got it.
You see? Now this is why I know that tonight's gonna be epic, fellas.
- [snoring] - Would somebody wake him up?
- [man 1] Horse, hey. - [man 2] Wake up!
The Horse is always up, man.
Bean Boy. Tell your president what today is.
It's Halloween time, sir!
And why is Halloween so important to this frat's reputation, Bean?
Oh, I don't know. Maybe we have the longest tradition
of throwing the best Halloween parties ever, sir.
- [people cheer] - And what will be your contribution be
to make sure that tonight is the best party ever?
I've been recruiting some of the best talent on campus.
This is pledgee Cummings.
Studies film makeup, sir. Best in my class.
How's it going, man... Sir?
And I found this guy. Pledgee Mond...
Mondon! Mondon! Oh.
This is pledge Mondon, everyone.
- Whoa. - Weird name, cool guy.
This guy can hack into anything. I mean, anything.
- [man] Nice. - K? Remember last year?
When he hacked into the Beta Sorority?
- Yes! Yes! - Into the webcams?
- [people cheering] - I remember that.
- Yeah!
Very illegal, kind of creepy. But very fun, nonetheless.
Dude, can we do that again? I was so happy.
Breathe. Take a breath. That's why I got him.
And, sir, this is pledgee Wells and Dimps,
and they are very special.
Pledgees, show them.
- [man] All right! - [crowd cheering]
[hip hop music]
[all exclaim]
[Horse] Ladies alert! Ladies alert!
- Oh, that's them. That's them. - [Horse] Ladies alert!
These are college guys.
[boys howling]
- Ladies! - [Leah] What up, boys?
- Damn. - Hi.
Hey. I'm Renaldo, but my friends call me Horse
[boys chuckling]
- I'm Rain, and this is my friend. - Leah.
I'm Tiffany.
- My name's Aday. - I'm Jonathan,
the El Presidente of this here fraterni-tay.
- [boys cheer] - [laughs]
Well, what's up with you ladies?
You are now staring at Upsilon Theta's finest.
[all hiss]
- [chuckles] - You girls go to school here?
- No. No. - No.
- No, we go to St. Mary's. - Oh, that's what's up.
St. Mary's, that's an all-girl college, right?
So y'all probably never seen a dude before in real life.
This right here, this is what a dude looks like.
[Jonathan] All right, look. We're having a Halloween party tonight,
- and it's gonna be... - [all] Epic!
- Oh, well... - Epic.
Um...
Concussion.
[Jonathan] So why don't you ladies come on by
and be Jonathan's special guest?
What time?
[Jonathan] The party starts at 10:00, so come when you like.
- Oh, I don't know about... - We'll see you tonight.
[Jonathan] Give me your phone. I'll put my number in.
Tiffany, there's your dad.
Chill out. Chill.
- Rain, Leah, Aday... - Hi.
- Hi, Mr. Simmons. - So hot.
Daddy issues.
[Brian] Tiffany, what's going on?
Hey, Old Man River,
ain't you got some pigeons to feed or something? Take a hike.
[Brian] I'm sorry. Old Man River?
Who you talking to, son? Who you talking to?
Do you see your grandpa here?
Have you looked in the mirror, son?
You're in college and you look like you're 67, okay?
- Bring it. You bring it. - Dino...
- I want you to bring it so badly. - Dino.
I will whoop your ass. You understand that?
I will whoop your ass.
Dad, he's pretty big. He is the star lineman on the team.
Pfft! Look at me.
- [stuttering] I play... - Tennis.
In high school, 30 years ago.
Chill out, pops. It's cool.
[Brian] Who are you? Thor? Did Thor just...
What the hell are you telling me, "Chill out, pops"?
You don't tell me to chill out, okay? That's my daughter, son.
- Son, Fabio, whatever. - [boys chuckle]
Nobody's talking to you.
Go somewhere, grow your hair and stay out of this, okay?
Sir, I'll take care of them, okay?
Back to the frat house.
You see? [scoffs]
It won't happen again, sir. I'm so sorry. Bye, girls.
[Brian] Tiffany, how many times have I told you
not to walk past this frat house?
Well, we were just walking by, Mr. Simmons,
and they stopped us.
- It's not our fault. - We didn't do anything.
You're coming home. Get in the car.
No. No, no, no, no, guys.
There's no room in there for all of us.
The house is right there. We're just gonna walk.
Tiffany, get in the car.
It's right there. We can walk. Come on. Come on.
Come on.
- Bye, Mr. Simmons. - Bye!
He seems angry.
She never listens to you.
So you know my mom used to teach theater in school, right?
So I have all these really cool costumes in the attic.
We're gonna come up with something so hot for the party tonight.
- Hot? - Do you know your dad?
He's not gonna let you go.
Just let me deal with that, okay?
Just meet me here at 10:00 and we can figure it out from there.
- Okay. - I don't know.
She's coming. You're coming.
I am so excited.
I know, this is gonna be so wild.
[shrieks]
- Bye, girls! - Bye!
Oh, Lord. I don't know about this.
You're coming. Come on.
We gotta figure out what we're gonna wear.
- Ohh! - Gonna be so fun!
[whispering] There's gonna be boys there. I don't like that.
Oh, no, no, no, no. Not so fast. Not so fast.
Listen to me. How many times do I have to tell you?
Do not walk past that frat house.
You're out there, you're talking to those guys.
They are college kids.
You're 17 years old, you're not supposed to be talking to them.
Do you understand me? And what do you have on? What is this?
Tiffany, I'm gonna tell you one more time.
Do not take your uniform off
until you get into this house. Are we clear?
Leah and Rain's mom lets them do it.
I am not Leah or Rain's parent.
I am your parent. Do you understand?
And what I tell you, you have to learn to listen to.
I don't want you to do it.
Okay, then buy me a car
so I won't have to walk past the frat house.
Do you hear yourself? I'm not buying you a car.
That makes no sense to me. I'm not buying you a car.
- You have to finish school... - Finish school. I... Yeah...
- Do not mock me. - [mockingly] Do not mock me.
- Tiffany! Stop! - [mockingly] Tiffany! Stop!
Stop... You... [continues mocking]
Then stop talking.
I'm an adult, I can say what I wanna say in this house.
Do you understand?
[stuttering] I can say what I wanna say
and what I'm telling you right now is this.
You have to watch out for those college kids.
Those boys want one thing...
Um, one thing and what's that thing?
The thing is for somebody to pay their student loans.
Now go upstairs and finish your... Do something and get packed.
Okay, Dad, sure.
But I know you're not talking about student loans.
Go get packed.
Packed? Where is he going?
He and you, you're both going to your mom's.
I have work to do, so you and your brother are going.
She's coming to pick you up.
I'm 17, I do not have to go to my mom's.
I am not leaving you in this house on Halloween.
I don't care if you're 17, you're not staying here alone.
Okay, well then Aday can stay with me.
How about that?
- I will? - Yes, you will.
Oh, actually, my parents wouldn't mind me staying here for Halloween.
- We don't celebrate it anyways. - My dad...
Well, I think he'd actually be okay with it, actually,
because every Halloween, we just go to church.
- To church? - Yes, church on Halloween, sir.
Actually, a lot of the parents don't like their children
celebrating the Devil's holiday with the ghosts and the goblins and whatnot.
So they bring their children to church.
They get dressed up in holy costumes and Bible characters.
You know, last year I was actually the Ghost.
Wait, you just said they don't celebrate ghosts.
Oh, no, the Holy Ghost.
Yeah, and then we also have a carnival, as well.
We give candy out to the children so they don't feel left out.
And the adults, they have a prayer service.
And it's all good, it's all jolly and we just love getting together...
Okay. Okay, all right.
- Thank you. Thank you. - Yes, sir.
- Please go ahead and call him. - No, no, no.
Thank you very much.
But no, I'm not leaving you in this house.
No, okay, there's no way I'm going to Mom's.
Absolutely no, no, no, no, no.
No way. We're staying. So call her dad.
[sighs]
- Come on, Aday. - Ooh.
[Aday] I do not know about this party tonight.
- I don't wanna go. - No, it'll be fun. Okay, listen.
We have to go. Girl, we cannot stay in this house.
Leah and Rain are going. It'll be fun.
But, I... It's just...
No! No, but nothing, okay? Come on. Sit.
Listen, they like us.
And they're the most popular girls in school.
- [whispering] Popular... - Okay? We can't not go
and be right where we were when we first got to that school.
They're popular because they wear those baby shirts
that shows what the Good Lord gave 'em.
Plus, why do they have to set the trend?
Okay, number one, those baby shirts are called crop tops.
And did you see how those guys were drooling over them?
Did you see how they were drooling over you?
Because I took notes from them.
Okay. Come on. We gotta go to the attic,
create something really hot for tonight.
- Let's get. - [whispering] Hot...
- [phone beeps] - Wait.
- He's texting me. - Who's texting you?
Jonathan, the cute frat boy.
I thought that boy was staring at Rain.
He was, for now. Come on.
- For now? - Yeah.
[Debra] She needs to stay with me.
Debra, I already told her that, okay? She doesn't wanna stay with you.
You're her dad, you need to put your foot down.
Are you listening?
Yes, I'm listening to you.
- Well? - Yeah, I know I'm her dad.
You're her mom, okay?
- I can't... - Get her ready!
She doesn't wanna come, she doesn't have to come.
- She doesn't wanna go... - But she needs to.
All right, listen. Just come... Come and pick BJ up.
- I don't wanna argue about this. - Now I'm on my way.
[cell phone beeps]
Tiffany, somebody...
The hell?
[sighs]
This girl.
[distant howling]
[Barn] Open your little bag up wide.
So I can drop it all the way down to the bottom.
[Madea] I don't even know why you sitting out here with these...
What you doing with these canes, Bam?
[kids] Trick or treat!
[Bam] Mabel...
You know I had hip surgery. I need these canes.
You don't need them canes, stop that lying.
I seen you running up and down the street.
Mabel, I need these canes,
and let me tell you, they were high as hell, too.
Too much for a woman on a fixed income and I ain't got no extra money
to be wasting on no canes like these.
So I gotta use these so that I don't have to go back to the hospital.
I know them two little girls right there.
If you... Hold on just a second, honey.
If you're so worried about money on a fixed income,
why the hell are you out here giving these little heathens candy?
- Mabel, I like this. - No, Bam, uh-uh. No.
This is why I'm not in my damn house right now.
- What? - I don't like no doggone Halloween.
I'm not gonna be giving them children no candy for free. Hell!
When I was growing up, do you know what I had to do for candy?
Do you know what I had to do for candy?
What, Mabel?
I had to give up candy to get candy.
That's why. But I'm not gonna do that,
spend my hard-earned money on no candy gifting.
It's going in my retirement, my Ho-O-1-K.
I'm not gonna do it, give no child no candy.
Mabel, what is Ho-O-1-K?
It's for hoes.
It's for all of those women who never ever
were able to pay taxes on their money because they got it illegally.
So you put the money aside. It's not a 401 K, it's a Ho-O-1-K.
- That's why I got a Ho-O-1-K. - Oh!
Yeah, from back in the day when I was stripping.
- I wonder why... - When I was on that pole.
I'm not gonna spend my Ho-O-1-K on nobody.
No, I'm not gonna do that, giving no children no candy.
I don't know why you doing it.
Now, see, look at this. Look at this.
- Trick or treat. - Oh!
Look at his little outfit!
Here you go! Here you go, baby, right here.
What's he supposed to be?
He's a G.I.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
He salute. [laughs]
Yeah. [laughs]
- Barn. - I like them a bit...
- Barn. I saw your ass. - Yeah.
Saw me do what?
[chuckles] Bam!
Barn, I saw you drop a little piece of candy up in there
and take four or five pieces out of that baby bag.
- What the hell? - Shh!
Is that what you out here doing?
Mabel, shh!
- Why you doing that? - Mabel, sometimes you get
the munchies after you smoke, honey, and this candy be coming in handy.
And lookit, I been doing this for years.
- Barn. - What?
You high now, ain't you?
Yeah. [laughs]
Uh-uh. Mabel, look, don't judge me. I got a prescription.
I'm so glad, I was so glad when this thing finally came!
Hey! I can't wait to show it to the police.
Put that away, Bam.
Sitting here high, taking candy from babies.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Well, you gotta teach them something.
You gotta teach 'em something and you gotta teach them at some time.
I don't like this Halloween stuff.
- Trick or treat. - Oh!
I'm the trick, she the treat. Now go the hell on.
Why they got that boy dressed like a cow?
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Got that child dressed like chocolate milk in a box.
- Mabel! - What?
Don't do that. You gonna scar this baby.
[Madea] But you better watch him, Bam.
- Mmm-mmm. - Uh-uh, you better watch him,
- he look like Biggie, Barn. - Mmm-mmm.
That's a O.G. right there. I'm telling you right now.
[rapping]
- [Barn] Mabel! - [Madea] What? I'm telling you,
you better watch him.
He... He ain't gonna fall for that.
He counting every one of them damn candies.
He ain't counting calories,
but he counting them damn candies. [chuckles]
Shut your mouth, will you?
I'm telling you, you better be careful,
Rick Ross gonna get you. [chuckles]
[clears throat]
Hey, baby. Don't mind her at all. You just come stay right there.
Let me pick and see which one I'm gonna give you.
- I'm gonna give you two of these. - You about to get stabbed.
- Look at this. Here you go! - That boy ain't playing.
Put it down here so I can put it in there.
Here you go, baby! There you go.
Oh, Lord...
There you go. All right, go on.
[both chuckling]
Wait a minute.
What'd I tell you?
I had more candy in here than this.
Biggie about to shoot you, Tupac.
I don't... I don't know what...
I have no idea what you talking about.
You took candy from my pumpkin, grandma.
No, I didn't do that, baby. Why would I do that? Mabel?
[chuckling]
You tricked me.
You put candy in but took a handful out.
What... Did you do that?
Did you see me do that? Listen, let me tell you something.
You need to teach your son these principles at home, honey.
That's why they call it "trick or treat."
[Madea laughing]
That is not nice. What's wrong with you?
Hold on now, you ain't finna be gettin' on my damn friend.
Let me tell you something, honey.
You gone and had your child disrespecting her, okay?
If she say she didn't do it, she didn't do it.
You understand? We let us... Hold on.
You talk about look at her? Look at your child.
What about... What about him? He is just perfect.
What's wrong? You asking what's wrong with her?
What's wrong with your damn child?
- [Barn] Mabel. Mabel. - What?
That baby can hear you.
I don't give a damn if he can hear me.
Come out here, you got him trick or treating for candy.
You need to have him trick or treating for a damn treadmill or an elliptical.
- Momma! - It's okay!
- It's okay! It's okay! - Come on, bull!
- [furiously growling] - Come on, bull! Come on, bull!
Come on, bull! Come on, bull!
You run your ass up on me, I'ma make some steak!
- Mabel. - What?
- They need to learn some time. - [distant jingle]
- Mabel. - What?
What the hell is that? What is that?
Some damn person acting the fool dressed like a clown.
I don't like this.
They better not come over here with their foolishness. That's what I know.
Mabel, I'm scared. I don't like this.
- What the hell you scared of? - Because I don't like this.
Who you know ride up in a box?
And he wind it up, you let something jump up out of that damn box.
- Come over here. My friend is scared. - [cell phone ringing]
Don't come over here with that foolishness.
Don't come over here!
That's gonna make him come over here, Bam.
- Here he come. - Hello?
- Hey, Madea. How you doing? - Hey, Brian. How you doing?
I'm good. I'm good.
Listen, I gotta go out of town until Sunday
and I was wondering if you can come by and just keep an eye on Tiffany?
No, son. No, I can't come over there. It's Halloween night,
you know I don't like to go nowhere on Halloween.
- Yeah, I know. - My feet hurting...
I ain't got no gas in my car.
- Okay, great, I get it. - I got gout in...
[Bam] Mabel.
Hush, Barn. Calm down. Don't worry about that fool
coming over here. Let him come over here.
- I don't like no clowns. - It's gonna be all right.
Don't come over here.
You better not come over here with this foolishness like...
dressed up like a damn clown.
My breast is hurting, my back is hurting. You know, we hit this age
everything hurts something. No, son. No, I can't.
I'll pay You-
I'm on my way. I'll be there in an hour.
That's what I thought.
Look. Look, there. There. There.
Don't come over here with that damn foolishness.
I'm telling you right now.
- [Barn] Dea. - Don't be scared, honey.
[Madea] Look here, you scaring my friend.
- Mmm-mmm. Look. Mmm-mmm. - Bam, calm down.
My friend is scared. Y'all need to go the hell on with all that foo...
Oh, you think I'm playing.
See, now that's what I'm talking about.
Let something jump up out of there.
Let something jump up out of this damn box.
Let something come up out of there.
Boo!
- [Hattie] Damn, y'all! - Yeah, you get.
You got knocked the... out.
[Joe] Damn, Dea. You ain't got to hit her like that.
- Joe? - [Hattie] Help me up off this ground.
[Madea] Hattie? What the hell wrong with y'all?
Damn, Ma! You ain't had to punch me like that.
- You lucky I didn't shoot your ass! - You all right, Hattie?
Hell, no, I ain't all right. She just punched me like a damn dude.
The hell wrong with you, Hattie?
You know black people scared of every damn thing.
- You all right, baby. Walk it off. - Walk it off?
- Walk it off. - Walk it off?
- Walk it off. - I ain't walking nothing off.
Look at Barn out here shaking like a salt shaker.
Barn always shaking. Hell, every time she walk, she shaking.
It's called aftershock.
You wrong for that, Ma.
We weren't doing nothing but trying to scare y'all.
Don't do that, Hattie. You know I'm scared of everything.
[Madea] Right, yeah, you know every time she gets too scared
she drop a tear and if she laugh too hard, she'll squirt a little pee.
Mabel, you don't have to keep telling everybody that.
- Well, it's the truth. - No, it ain't.
Yes. You know you squirt a little pee
- every time you get scared. - No, I don't!
It's true. You probably wet right now.
- I'll be... I'll be right back. - See? What I tell you?
Hurry up in there. We gotta go on over to Brian's house.
Oh, hell, they got drinks over there.
- [Hattie] Drinks? - Ain't nobody invite you over there.
You ain't getting in my car till you take them damn clown suits off.
Come on, Joe. Ain't nobody got to invite me for a drink.
- Hurry up! Hurry up in there, Barn! - I'm gonna get me one.
[knocking on door]
Madea, hey.
Hey, there. How you doing, baby? Good to see you.
I'll tell you about it when you go in.
- You brought my daddy. - What up, bitch?
Daddy, don't use that language in this house.
[laughs]
[sighs]
- Hey, Brian! - Oh, Ms. Hattie, how you doing?
- Hey! Give me a hug. - Oh, no. Oh, no, no.
I'll pass on that. I'll pass on that.
- Why? - You know why!
Every time you hug up on him, you thrust your pelvis into his.
What? He a grown-ass man, he can take it.
- I don't want to take it, Ms. Hattie. - You can take it if you want to, Brian.
I don't want to take it, Ms. Hattie. Thank you, I don't wanna take it.
Hattie, I know damn well you are not flirtin'.
Keep it up I'ma knock you upside your head, hell.
Now, Joe, I done told you about talkin' at me like that.
You think I'm some baby...
You sit down over there, shit and hell.
[Hattie shouting indistinctly]
Would y'all stop all that? Calm down.
Brian, come on, baby, can you please help me in here to the chairs, baby?
- Help you, sure. - Yeah. Please, help me in here.
Listen, the steps are too hard for me now.
- Yes, I know. - Ever since my hip surgery.
- Didn't know you were coming. - You didn't know I was coming?
But did you know I had hip surgery? You know I had hip... Listen.
- Somebody told me. - That man cut me...
- Did he? - Yes, he did. Him.
He cut me, Brian, all the way from down here,
all the way back here...
- mid my apple. - Hey, you need your cane?
Yeah, I need these canes. I need 'em. Just set 'em...
Yes, I'm on the canes, now. I need 'em, yeah.
- But you gave 'em to... - Yeah, put 'em over there.
Sit 'em up there on the wall, over there.
Listen, Brian, but I just thank God...
- Thank God that I'm in my right mind. - Hmm.
- And that my heart is still beating. - Hmm.
- Ho! - Yeah.
Sometimes I can't hardly pee, though.
Thank you so much for sharing. I appreciate it, thank you.
Bam, that ain't polite conversation.
You know, just one or two drops, Mabel, that's it.
Don't nobody wanna hear about your one or two drops.
I wonder why that is.
It's prostate cancer, that's what it is.
You got that prostate... You got the prostate cancer.
Joe, shut up!
What the hell you think it is? What the hell else is it,
if it ain't prostate ca...
That's the only thing keep you from peein'. She said she get two drops.
One say "prostate," other say "cancer." Prostate cancer. That's what she got.
- She got it. - [Madea] Joe.
Don't no woman have no prostate.
Mabel, you know damn well you got a prostate.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna give you a prostate exam with this foot right here.
Right here. Say something else.
Hell, you ain't, either.
This here? This ass? "Do not enter."
Sign on it, tattoo.
- Do not enter back there. - [Hattie] Hell, no!
- Who the hell you think I am? - Shut up.
Hello? Can we just focus on why I asked you to come...
Who the hell is he, who the hell he hollerin' at?
You asked me to come over to your damn house.
Don't be hollerin' at me up in here.
- Don't get gutted up in here. - Right. Like a fish.
Okay, sorry. Sorry. I didn't mean that at all.
Yes, that's better. That's better. Show some apologection up in here.
- Apologection into the room. - Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm glad you're here to help me with her,
'cause there's a frat party around the corner.
And I wanna be sure she doesn't try to sneak out and go over there, okay?
- She too young for that! - [softly] I know. I...
I don't know about that, I remember I used to go to a frat party, man.
We had them girls up in there. Oh! God damn.
- Hell, no. She can't go over there. - [Hattie] What?
When I was goin' I was 15, baby. And I was the entertainment, then.
All right, you were the entertainment, I get it.
Thank you. Okay, listen. I'm glad you're here. 'Cause I...
I want you to be quiet, if you don't mind,
'cause I don't want her to know that you all are here until after I'm gone.
Hold the hell on.
You finna leave, you ain't gonna tell her you're going?
- Looks like he's scared of her. - Right.
Damn, boy. You lettin' a girl run over you?
Look how you standin' there sweatin'.
- [stuttering] Listen, I... - These children today.
No, it ain't the children, baby, it's the parents.
It's these damn parents. The parents I don't understand.
That's what it is. Right there.
If these parents were getting in charge of these children here,
we wouldn't be having all these issues.
Come on, you know. Those teenage years, when they turn into a teenager.
Boy, I remember them teenage years, baby,
I remember them teenage years.
You got to drop the damn hammer.
- Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. - Drop the hammer on them.
Them teenage years, hell.
I'm tellin' ya, I keeps me a hammer.
Now we know what the problem is, anybody in here got a solution?
Is he slow? He don't understand nothin' I'm saying.
Hattie, can you explain this to him in a language that he understands?
Whoop. That. Ass.
[Hattie snorts and laughs]
All in favor say "aye."
- [all] Aye. - The ayes have it.
- Where she at? - Where she at?
- I get the switch. - Sit down. I am not hitting my child.
What? You can't stomach it?
- We'll whoop that ass for you! - No!
Nobody is hitting my child, okay?
I told them early you need to whip them kids,
I been tellin' him since they were little.
"Whoop her! Whoop her! Whoop her ass! Whoop her ass!
Whoop her ass! Whoop her ass!
Whoop her ass! Whoop her ass!" What'd he do?
He don't whoop her ass.
Listen, we have never spanked our children, ever. We didn't do that.
We weren't those kind of parents.
- Well, that's the problem right there! - [Bam] That's right.
That's right, that's right! Whoop her. Baby, let me tell you something.
I'm not tellin' you to go up there and abuse no child.
Even though I got a hammer in my purse.
I'm just kidding about the hammer.
[softly] No, I'm not.
But listen, what I'm trying to get you to understand is very, very simple, son.
Hear me clearly. A little love tap ain't never hurt nobody.
- There it is. Love tap. - [Madea] A little love tap.
Just tap your child. A little love tap.
Like I did you, I gave you lots of love taps.
Lot... What?
Hold on a second, did you just say "love tap"?
No, no, no, no, no.
That wasn't a love tap, I was on life support.
Are you... Are you blaming that on me?
That is not my fault.
What'd I have to do with you being on life support?
Am I missing something? I was four years old. Whose fault was it?
I told your ass to stop talking back to me and what did you do?
I said... [imitates babbling] I was talking back.
Right. So when I bust your ass and you ended up
in the damn life support situation, whose problem did that belong to?
You better hold up, she gonna explode her prostate.
[Madea] Right. That's your own damn fault.
The defense rests, Your Honor.
- Mmm-hmm. - The case is closed.
Thank you. The jury has been excused.
You guys don't understand, okay?
I know in your day you could do that, you could beat kids, you could slap 'em,
but this is a different day and time.
You can't spank your kids these days, okay?
You go to jail for things like that now.
That's what it is? You're politically correct.
Let me tell you somethin' about "you can't hit your kids these days."
And hear me clearly when I say this to you, son.
Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!
Daddy, I'm gonna tell you one more time, stop using that language in this house.
Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!
[Madea] Joe, shut up!
Stop all that saying all them cuss words up in here, Joe, hell.
Boy, if I didn't whoop your ass you know where you'd be right now?
Somewhere strung out on drugs.
You don't know the hell... trying to get 20 dollars for a fix.
You don't know what the hell you talkin' 'bout.
That's why you turned out well like you did.
That's why you're a federal prosecutor.
Hell, I beat you so much you were scared to look at a damn crack pipe.
You ain't know what a damn crack pipe was.
You know what a crack pipe is now, don't you?
See, he still don't know what the hell a crack pipe is.
You know why that is? 'Cause I beat your ass.
[Madea] You sure did, you was rough on that boy. I felt so bad.
See, your daddy was raw.
He'd beat the hell out you and leave you out in the street,
just bloody guts all over, everywhere.
I at least would take you to the hospital
after I knocked the hell out you.
Look, son, just go on up them stairs, and do what I had to do to you
that day that you got mad at me. Just go on, do what you gotta do, son.
Bite the bullet.
I am not taking my daughter on the roof and throwing her off.
Why wouldn't you do that?
- He did that? - Yes!
- [laughs] - [Madea] He sure did.
I'ma just tell you somethin',
if you're gonna try and teach a child a lesson
and push 'em off a roof, at least check they pockets.
Joe, you should have checked his pockets.
I forgot about that little pencil. Oh. Number two, yellow stick.
He had his little pencil in his pocket...
Little pencil went straight through
- one of his little balls. - [all exclaim]
Looked like a little Tootsie Roll on a stick.
That poor thing.
I was traumatized.
Let me ask you somethin'. Did you die?
That's not funny. That's not funny.
I bet that's just so interesting to see.
[chuckles]
I just wanna look at it.
I bet you have problems peein' too, don't you?
You probably just have one drop.
- Plop. - [all laugh]
Bam, hush that.
Oh... Oh... Did it grow back?
Grow back?
I'm... I'm not a reptile, it doesn't...
Well, he just told us he ain't no anaconda.
[all laughing]
Though I almost felt bad when I saw that little number two yellow pencil.
He almost got lead poisoning.
Daddy, you shouldn't have pushed me off that roof.
That's all I'm gonna say.
You shouldn't have pushed me off that roof.
Again. Did you die, nigga?
How many times I have to tell you? Stop using that word.
That is a horrible word.
I don't even understand why you keep using that word.
Stop saying it, it's horrible!
It's awful. All these people use it in the music...
All these kids are in these clubs saying it.
Stop saying that word!
Bitch ass.
Daddy, I'm warning you. Stop that...
- Nigga. - Okay, let's get this clear.
Nobody is laying a hand on my daughter, okay?
Now, Madea, can you please not tell her that I asked you to come by?
Okay, can you please just tell her that...
Um...
You were in the neighborhood, and... And you stopped by.
Okay? Can you do that?
Yeah, he wants me to lie. I'm not gonna lie.
- I don't do that. I'm not a liar. - Why? You scared of her?
No, I'm not scared of her, but I just...
I'm trying this approach that I read in a book,
that you and your kids should be...
Buddies. Pals. You should be friends.
Friends? You ain't supposed to be friends
with your damn child, you the parent.
Y'all not equals.
What the hell you talkin' 'bout, a friend? A friend?
They have to listen to what the hell you tell them to do.
If they don't, they gotta bounce they ass up out the house.
Go pay they own mortgage. Go pay they own rent.
Go pay something, do you understand?
Being a damn child friend.
What the hell is wrong with you, talkin' 'bout being your child friend.
- That's stupid as hell! - I hear you, okay?
- [Tiffany] Dad, you haven't left yet? - Um...
- Hi. - Hi.
[whispering] Remember what I said to you.
That you stopped by.
- What? - Ms. Madea, how are you?
Oh, I'm fine, how you doin', baby? Good to see you.
Good to see you, too.
Who the hell is that?
Mabel! That's the pastor's daughter.
Damn, you don't know that?
Hell, even I know that and I don't even go to church.
You don't know that's the pastor's daughter? Damn.
Sinner! Devil.
You know I don't know no pastor.
She rolled up on me like she know me, like...
"Hey, how you doing?" I don't know her like that.
[Barn] Mabel, everybody know you, honey.
You been on the news so much.
Barn, you ain't gotta tell people all my business.
Um, so, what are they doing here?
- I have no idea. - Oh.
I just opened the door,
- and barn! There was Madea. - Really?
- Yeah. Yeah. - Oh.
I opened the door, she said, "Happy Haller-ween."
You know how she says "haller" and everything, so...
Madea, what are you doing here?
What the hell you mean "what bring you by?" You called me.
Oh. Oh. Um...
I was in...
The neigh...
The neighborhood, and...
I came... I was on my way to walk...
I was in the neighborhood and I came by to talk to your... Oh.
To spend the... To stay the night.
Oh, I was in the neighborhood, I came by to stay the night, yeah.
- That's too much to remember. - Dad.
What? I didn't... I didn't know. I had no idea.
I had no idea she was coming.
- But isn't it great? - No!
Now you have somebody to be here with you all night.
- That's great. - Happy Haller-ween.
- Thanks, Dad. - [whispering] Thank you.
Listen, thank you for having us over here, Brian.
- Okay? - [Brian] I'll see you later.
Hey, where the hell the liquor at?
- [door shuts] - I was so worried at my house.
You know, I'm scared of everything. Scared of everything.
And this Halloween stuff just give me the creeps.
She don't like... She don't like Haller-ween.
Mmm-mmm. Don't like it at all.
It just give me the creeps. But now I'm all right.
- 'Cause we all here together. - All here together.
- That's right. - Together.
Okay, well, I'm tired of talking to you old people,
so I'm gonna go upstairs.
Nice to meet you!
[Joe] There's something inside me that want to go grab that girl
and slap the shit out of her. But I'm not gonna do it.
Oh, it's getting late.
We gotta hurry if we're gonna catch this party.
This makes me so mad.
I can't believe my dad got all these old people here to watch me.
Oh, it's not that bad.
You know, Ms. Barn kinda reminds me of my grandma.
She always gets really scared on Halloween.
Starts talkin' 'bout the devil and what not.
But then she just goes to sleep early.
She just wants the day to be over with.
Wait, no, that's it.
We're gonna trick them into going to bed early.
Trick them? What do you mean, trick them?
We're gonna scare the hell out of 'em. Okay, listen, Aday.
When I tell you to press this, you press it, 'kay?
Is this a bomb or something?
No, it's not a bomb, it controls the lights.
- Oh, thank God. - Come on.
I thought we were blowing old people up today.
No.
I'm tryin' to make it to heaven, Tiffany.
They got a nice wood-burning fire.
Yeah, people don't have no wood-burning fireplaces no more.
Everything's gas now, these children.
We done got gas on everything.
- Did good. - [Tiffany] Hey.
Look what I brought home from school.
What... What the hell is that?
It's a ghost board, Grandpa.
Get that... Get that on the hell on out of here.
[Barn] No, ma'am. Uh-uh.
Get that devilment out of here.
[Madea] Right.
No, it's fun. It's how you communicate with the dead.
You heard her. Get it on out of here, honey.
We don't play with stuff like that. Get that up out of here.
No, it's fun!
I'ma tell you right now, if you open it, that's what you're gonna be.
Dead. You're gonna be on the other side.
We not playing with stuff like that, honey.
We don't play with stuff like that. Give me... Put this down.
What is that that fell out of the thing?
What is that? I don't touch this stuff.
I grew up in New Orleans, they got voodoo everywhere.
No.
It's a card. It says, "Death."
Oh, no.
Ain't no "oh, no." I'ma tell you right now.
See, y'all children don't understand.
Let me make this perfectly clear to you, honey.
You don't be playing around.
Keep playing with the devil, he gonna show up.
Yeah, he gonna show up. He's sittin' right there in front of you.
[exhales]
I tell you right now, don't play with me, little girl.
That's what you gonna look like,
just like that damn skeleton on that card.
Doin' a pirouette. You understand? Go to bed.
You don't understand. This card comes from Mr. Wilson.
The man that died in this house on Halloween.
He killed his entire family and put all of their bodies in the attic.
And it's said that every Halloween he comes back to take a life.
And the only place he doesn't go in this house are the bedrooms.
Because that's where the priests used to sleep
when this house was a monastery.
- Whoa. - I know.
So we should all go to sleep. It's safer there, anyways.
The ghosts come out at midnight.
Okay. Time for me to go.
- [Madea] Barn. - I gotta get out of here.
Bam, hold the hell on.
- Barn. - What?
What the hell's wrong with you?
Mabel, did you hear what she just said?
- Barn. - What?
You forgot your canes.
- On! - On!
Joe!
But ain't God good? I don't even need my canes, Mabel.
- [Madea] Sit down! - Mabel.
Hell, we been helpin' you for days,
and you sittin' there actin' like somethin' wrong with you.
Ain't nothing wrong with you. Sit down!
Yes.
This girl ain't doin' nothin' but sitting here lyin'.
No, I'm not. I'm telling the truth!
Girl, if you don't get up out of here with that devilment,
I mean, you better get to steppin'.
I'm telling you. I'm going to bed.
'Cause after 10:00, strange things start happening in this house.
[whispering] Strange things.
No. I ain't gonna even be able to do this.
I can't I got... That's gonna blow my high.
High... You smoke marijuana?
I got a prescription!
You, little girl, stay in a child's place.
Mabel, I gotta get outta here. I'm scared, and I gotta
- get outta here, now! - Calm down, Bam. Bam!
Calm the hell down.
This girl is lyin'.
I'm gonna go to bed. Don't let the ghosts get you.
Be on outta here.
She lyin'. Hold on!
What? Oh.
[all screaming]
I'ma fuck you up!
What the hell was that?
I'm sorry.
[Madea] What happened to the lights?
Help me, Jesus.
[whispering] That was Mr. Wilson.
[Madea] Girl, get out of here. You ain't doin' nothin' but lyin'.
Hell, that was just... That was just...
That was just power...
Power... P... That was just... That was just the power acting up.
- Okay, well, goodnight. - Go to bed!
[stuttering] Go to bed, girl, hell.
All right.
[stuttering] Sittin' there tellin' all them lies.
- Come on, Aday. - I'm scared.
- Come on! - Okay, okay.
Dea, Dea, I'm scared.
- [Hattie] Me too. - Bam, calm the hell down.
Calm the hell down.
[tapping]
- Tiffany, come on! - It's time to go.
Shh! Don't wake the old people!
Okay, gonna fix the bed.
- Fix the bed. Pull this down. - What are we doing to the bed?
We're gonna make it look like we're sleeping in here.
Oh.
- Like a body? - Yeah, like a body.
Okay.
Wait, over there. Here. Okay.
That looks like you been eatin' good.
Wait, hold on.
Okay. Let's sneak down the back stairs.
- Oh, I don't know about this. - Come on.
- Close the door. - Okay.
Good Lord.
Hmm.
This damn girl has snuck up out of this damn house!
Bam, y'all ain't gonna believe this.
Y'all ain't gonna believe this at all.
[Hattie] What that, Ma?
That girl has snuck up out of this house.
- Uh-uh. - No!
Yes, she did.
Well, where's she going to?
Probably over there to that frat party.
I knew it.
You talkin' 'bout over there where all them fine, sexy college men's be?
Hattie...
Let's ride.
Come on, Joe.
No, you go on, I'm gonna stay here and pray for her safe return.
Hey, hey. Hey, come here, come here.
- Joe, what is it? - Come here.
- What is it?
- Let me hold one of them... - Joe.
Why you gotta be all stingy 'cause you legal, baby?
Come on, help me out.
Joe, I got a prescription for this here. I don't have any for you.
The Lord gonna bless you, you share.
[groans] You make me so sick!
Here, Joe. This... You owe me.
All right. When you come back, I'll tap that ass for you.
In that case, you gonna be payin' me.
Is it like that?
Go ahead on, then. I'll be here, waitin' for y'all to get back.
Prayin' for her safe return. That the Lord will bless her.
Hey, I need a lighter!
[muffled music playing]
- [tires screeching] - [engine backfiring]
[Barn] Wait, Mabel, stop it!
[Madea] I know, I know, damn well...
Let's get out of the car here.
[Hattie] You didn't have to be jacking my neck like that.
Damn! What, it backfired.
You know my brakes is bad, Hattie.
Hey, what the hell does that mean?
Uh... Lord, have mercy. Look at these children.
Hurry up, Bam, get out the car.
Look at this. Look at this.
[Hattie] Look at all these fine, sexy college men in here.
Girl, leave... Hattie, leave them children alone.
What, Ma? You know I don't mind buying two or three college books for these...
Well, somebody gonna throw a damn book at you.
Leave these little boys alone.
[Barn] Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
What the hell is that?
It's my costume, I'm Peter Pan.
- [laughs] - Duh!
She said she pissed her pants!
You know she said she pissed her pants!
I didn't piss in my pants!
Don't do that in front of these children!
- Get on in the house. - I said I'm Peter Pan!
Go on up in there and help me find this girl.
All this foolishness.
Yo-ho-yo-yo-yo-yo! Sick costume, bro!
What? What is wrong with you?
Dude.
- Whoa! - Boy, what the hell?
[all exclaim]
Put your hand on my damn breast again.
I just wanted to say it looked real!
Like, saggy and lumpy...
But real.
[man] Hey, let me see 'em.
Say What?
- Show us your boobs, please? - You got some beads or something?
You gonna put some dollar bills up in these breasts?
- No, we just wanna see 'em. - We just like boobs.
- What? You wanna see 'em. - Yeah!
Boobs! Let's see boobs.
- You wanna see 'em? - [man] Yeah, twin peaks.
You wanna see 'em?
[boys groan]
- Yes. - Wait.
Yes. Behold, paradise.
Right before your eyes. [laughs]
How'd you get it to look like real skin though, man?
Touch 'em. Touch 'em. Touch 'em.
Look at those veins.
- Nipples and everything. - Such intricate...
See how warm?
How'd you get the veins to look...
- See how warm? - And they're wrinkly.
See how warm?
- I think this is real. - Oh, no, no, no.
- No, those are real. - Like saggy sandbags.
- I think I'm gonna be sick. - [9898]
- I need a drink. - Oh, my God.
Move, move, move! Oh, my God.
Grabbin' on me, hell, I used to get dollar bills for that!
I'll make it rain up in this piece.
Barn, Hattie, y'all wait for me. Get the hell on out the damn way.
Damn chicken! And a banana.
What the hell, you waitin'? You wanna see this ass?
Come here, I'm gonna show you this ass! Come see it!
Come on back here! Where the hell they run to?
- [music playing] - Hattie, Bam, where y'all at?
Mabel! It's a lot to look at in here.
It sure the hell is, it sure is.
- [Hattie] Damn! - Excuse me, miss... [yelps]
Mabel!
This here is a costume party.
I don't know if that was a costume, hell.
We gonna have to look up under every one of 'em till we find 'em.
Okay, great, I don't mind doing that.
Hattie, Hattie. Under the face!
Up under the face!
You ain't gonna find her up under his pants.
You don't know what she come as! She could be...
She at a costume party, she could have come as anything!
Wait a minute. [sniffs]
Yeah, there it is. Mabel, I'm gonna look upstairs.
Bam, look around down here.
Hattie, you go on up there 'cause you can handle it.
This girl, she still fiendin'.
And I'm gonna go and look around down here.
- Go on and look around. - Okay, Ma.
' - I got...
- [cheering] - [music continues playing]
Tiffany! Excuse me, excuse me, honey. Excuse me.
Is that what you call dancing?
Yeah, some of y'all need some masks on for real.
Why y'all children up in here lookin' like hoes?
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
What the hell y'all got on? Lord, have mercy.
Do your mama know you're dressing like this?
She picked out my outfit.
Your mama picked out your outfit?
- Duh. - Yeah.
Damn. She must be one of them housewives.
Listen, honey, I'm looking for Tiffany.
Do y'all know a Tiffany?
Uh... No. We don't.
Who's looking for her?
Who looking for her? I'm her aunt, and I'm looking for her.
I know she up in here somewhere. Do y'all know her?
- No. We don't know her. - No. Sorry.
Excuse me, do y'all know a Tiffany?
- No, I don't. - Okay. Yeah, okay. Bye.
Tiffany! Tiffany.
- Dude, your aunt's here. - What?
Yeah, she's right over there.
Oh, no.
- We need to go. - Where's your back door?
Jonathan got this, ladies.
Listen, Dino. Take her to my room, and take Aday to yours.
- Bingo. Let's go. Come on. - No, no. no.
Shouldn't we stay together? Don't make me go with him.
I mean, if y'all get down like that, let's go.
- Have fun! - Take your costumes off.
Take your costumes off, too. They won't recognize you that way.
Lord, y'all little skinny asses... Get out the way, hell.
- Tiffany! - Well, well, well.
Welcome to my party! My name is Jonathan,
the El Presidente of this here fraterni-tay.
- [laughs] - Are you on that shit? Calm down.
Hey, listen, son, do you know a Tiffany? I'm looking for Tiffany.
- Oh, Tiffany. - Yes.
- Oh, about this tall? - Right.
- Black hair? - Yes.
I've never seen her! [laughing]
[Horse] Hey, got milk?
- [horse grunts] - [crowd exclaims]
- Yo, chill! - Do it again.
I ain't got no damn milk, but I got some bullets.
Ma'am, ma'am, I didn't know it was like that. Chill.
You're telling me this is a lady?
Yes! And she's looking for someone named Tiffany,
but we've never seen a Tiffany.
[laughs]
No, no, we haven't.
Yo, yo, everybody, listen up! Listen up. Chaz, what's up, man?
How you doin'? Yo, announcement.
Big announcement. It's time for the special guest of the evening.
Give it up for Tyga!
[all cheering]
We about to get turnt up! Let's see everybody hands up like this!
[hip hop music on speakers]
- Son. - What?
- Hands up. - [Madea] Son.
We can't hear you! [laughs]
[singing rap song]
[crowd cheering]
- [crows cheers] - [man] Oh, yeah!
Turn this music... Turn this noise...
[exhales]
Mabel, did you find her?
Barn, you been drinkin'? No, I didn't find her.
And they got this rap... I can't stand this music.
But, Mabel, if you can't stand it, why your body...
Why your body moving like that? [laughs]
That's that ho, that's my bottom half.
Every time it hear this music, it just wanna drop.
That's the ho from back in the day
- coming out of me. - Yeah.
[sing-songy] I don't like this rap.
I don't like this. I don't, I don't like this.
[rapping]
[singing rap song]
Mabel!
I get to get the hell outta here. My ho coming out.
[man] Go, granny on the mic!
? Hey, put your hands up! ? Put your hands up!
Hattie! What the hell you doing?
Get down!
That's it. That's it. That's it. Move! That's it.
? I give you all the little baby you want
? Hey! Put your hands up!
[music turns off]
Hold the hell on!
- [Barn] Wait a minute. - Hold the hell on.
I just unplugged the damn music. And I'ma tell you right now.
Let me make this very, very, perfectly clear to all of y'all up in here.
I have been nice, and I have been lookin' for Tiffany.
Y'all better present Tiffany.
You got 32.1 of a second to present her to me right now.
I don't give a damn if Tyga upset here.
- I don't give a damn... - [man] Okay. That's it!
- That is it! - [all chanting] Get her out!
Get her outta here!
I said get her out of here!
Wait! Wait!
[howls]
[all cheering]
[laughing]
Bring that beat back!
Throw her old ass out!
[Madea] Barn, what the hell's wrong with you?
Come on, let's go to the damn house.
[indistinct chattering]
All right. She's gone. Will she call the police?
No. She's got lots of warrants. She's crazy but she's not that crazy.
Look, Tiff, we love you and Aday, but...
We just don't like the drama.
Well, I'm sorry that my dad is so lame.
Well, we just can't hang out and have this happen again.
Well, it won't happen again. I promise.
This is why we said that, you know, you shouldn't come.
It's 'cause your dad's gonna flip, dude.
And, you know, now Jonathan is missing his party, it's kind of unfair.
Yeah.
Well, don't worry about Jonathan.
I'll make it up to him.
- Oh. All right. - Okay.
- Mmm-hmm. Okay. All right. - Have fun.
Bye.
Listen, I'm so sorry about all of this.
Yo, Tiffany, it's all good,
but are you sure she's not gonna call the police?
Yeah, I'm sure. I'm surprised they even left the house.
I was telling them this story about how the house is haunted.
Oh, you should have seen their eyes.
They were, like, scared.
- Really? - Yes.
Oh! All right. Tell me more.
Oh, Lord. I think I want to go home.
Yeah, me too. Home run.
Knock you out the park. I'm talking fifth base.
Is there even a fifth base? What is that?
What are you freaking out for? Come on.
I'm not. What do you mean?
We'll get weird on each other. What do you say?
I'm just 17.
- You're 17? - Yes.
Years old?
- Yeah. - In human years.
Yes.
[screaming]
This girl is 17! Seventeen years old!
[Dino howling]
I'm mad as hell. I'm mad as hell!
Gonna throw me down in them bushes, and Bam, you sitting there,
sitting there getting' high with them damn boys.
And Barn, you wasn't even gonna help me?
You supposed to be fightin' for me. Y'all was supposed to have my back. Oh!
Mabel, I got your back.
I always have, always had your back, but I'm high, Mabel.
Somebody needs to call the police, that's all I know.
Somebody need to call the po-po.
You so damn worried about her, you call 'em.
Hell, I'm trying to sleep.
Oh, no, I can't do that, I got warrants.
- Mabel, call them anonymously. - That's what got me in trouble!
Because anonymously is how I was writing them checks
and dealing with them credit card frauds. I can't do that.
Somebody else got to call 'em.
I can't call them neither, Ma. They know my voice, too.
Well, you know damn well they know mine.
Ma, why don't you just go describe your voice?
- Do what? - Describe your voice.
The word is not "describe," honey.
If I describe my voice then they gonna know it's me talkin'.
It is "disguise." And I can't disguise my voice.
Because they have voice data recognition.
I'm on the terrorist list, too. I'm on terrorist watch.
They recognize it.
[groaning]
I'll call 'em, hell.
How much damn stuff you got up in them breasts?
I bet you take all that stuff out and breasts is just flat.
Barn, you high, what you gonna say before you call 'em?
Uh... Yeah!
Wait a minute, hell, you gonna call 'em like Lil Jon?
No, I'm gonna call 'em like a little white girl.
Oh. You a little white girl?
Barn, you ain't never been little in your life.
And she never been white, either.
What you gonna say when you call 'em?
Yeah, listen, we need the police.
I'm being held against my will. Help me! Help me!
Ma, it's something wrong with her.
Really, really wrong.
Barn. Listen to me, honey, make this perfectly clear.
Just call the people and tell them... Listen to me.
Just tell them that an underage girl
snuck out the house and she at a frat party. Don't do all of that.
Okay, Mabel.
- Yo, stop, stop! - Pull the rip cord, bro!
- What the hell, don't you knock? - Look, somethings wrong with Aday,
- she just ran out of here. - Where did she go?
- I don't know! - Well, what happened?
I told her to get the hell out. She's 17.
And so is this broad fraud right here.
Are you crazy? We could all go to jail!
Hold up, she's not 17. Does this look like a 17-year-old?
Are you 17?
- Yes. - Oh!
Tiffany, that's just...
- Tiffany, that's just wrong! - I know. I'm sorry.
No! We can all get kicked out of school for this.
- I'm sorry! - Wait, how old are you guys?
- Eighteen. - Eighteen.
Cool, cool.
All right, all right, I need all the illegals
to get out of this frat right now.
- Go. There's the door. - Guys.
- The cops are here. - [guys groaning]
All right. All right, listen.
Everybody out. Take her out the back door and try to find Aday.
- Come on, Tiff. - Outta here. Let's go, go, go.
Out of my way, peasants! I ain't going back. Go, go!
What's up, Officer? My name is Jonathan.
The El Presidente of this here fraterni-tay.
How can I help you?
Party's over. Everyone clear out of the house.
- Present IDs. Now. - [Dino] Hey, hey, hey.
You got a warrant, hot shot?
You want me to call the dean and wake her up?
[Jonathan] No, no.
That's what I thought. Everyone, clear out!
Party's over, now.
All right. Everyone out!
- Party's over. - Lamest party ever.
What a bummer.
Officer Buzzkill over here, man.
[siren wailing]
[groans]
Did that really just happen?
- Man, it was lit. - You really leaving?
I don't play with po-po. We out, homie. All right.
Tyga, no.Tyga.
This sucks.
Hey, you know it was them geezers that called the police. You know that.
Oh, I know.
We can't let 'em get away with this.
You know, it was our own fault,
they shouldn't have been here in the first place.
Would you mind shutting up?
This is not our fault and I refuse
to let some old people deny this frat's reputation.
What are we gonna do?
Oh, we're gonna get so even, fellas. Here's the plan.
[inaudible]
Madea! Madea!
- [Madea] What the hell? - [Bam] Mabel!
What's this? Lord, have mercy.
Hattie, what the hell wrong with you?
I think I heard somethin' scratchin' up my wall.
Girl, go on with that, hell.
I think it's that man that killed his whole family.
I think it's Mr. Wilson, Ma.
Hattie, calm the hell down, ain't no...
[loud banging]
What the hell is that, now? What the hell is that?
[Bam] Wait!
It's him, Ma, I ain't ready to die, Ma.
Listen, listen, would you hush?
[Madea] Yes. Please, Hattie. Ain't no ghosts in this house.
Ain't no ghost gonna be knocking on the damn door.
Does that make sense to you? A ghost that damn knock on the door?
- [scoffs] - That's crazy as hell!
Bam, go open that door.
I know you ain't sending me to that door.
Uh-uh.
You scared, Mabel.
I ain't scared of nothin'.
Go open the door. Go open the door, Mabel.
I'm tired right now. Uh, Joe, open the door.
Hell, I ain't going to that door, this ain't my house.
I ain't goin' nowhere near that door.
- Go on and get it, bruh. - [loud banging]
- What the hell? - Oh, no.
- Hattie, what the hell is it? - Oh, no, Ma.
- What is it, Hattie? - You see somethin' scary at the door?
What is it?
[whispers] It's white men.
[Madea] What?
You see white people?
[both screaming]
Girl, that's the po-po, here.
- Hide the stuff! - Get the stuff...
Oh, hell, I ain't got nothing. [chuckles]
We ain't got nothin' to hide.
That took me back in the day when the po-po used to come round here,
and everybody would be just duckin', runnin'.
Them was the good old days.
Oh, man, please. I got a prescription, I'm good.
Okay, well, Bam, go open the door.
Why I gotta open the door?
'Cause you got a prescription, you good. Go open the door here.
[Barn] All right, all right.
[indistinct chatter on radio]
Hi. Urn, someone here called for the cops?
Uh...
No speak-a English... I'm from Jamaica.
- They speak English in Jamaica. - Well, I'm from Mexico.
- Como esta usted? - Well, then, I'm from China.
[speaking fake Chinese language]
Hey, hallelujah! You speak in tongues?
- I went to college. - And I love Jesus. Yes, I do, too.
- We all do, too. - Yes.
Look, we got a call about an underage girl...
What they saying? I can't hear 'em.
What's that smell?
Oh! [chuckles] Bam! [yells]
I been waitin' to do this for years!
I'm legal! I'm legal, bruh! [exclaiming and laughing]
- Yeah! Yeah. - [officer] Hallelujah.
Yeah. That's what I said, too, when I got it.
Okay.
[Madea] I know damn well this girl is not...
Where the hell you been?
I'm tellin' you right now, I'm gonna... She...
I'ma bust her in her face.
Excuse me, are you Tiffany?
Yes.
Look, I get it, it's Halloween,
you guys are always playing tricks on everybody.
- Enough is enough. - Okay.
Enjoy your fun and call it an evening.
Okay.
We can't keep on having these prank calls. You understand?
I understand.
Yes, sir.
Okay. Well, you two have a good evening.
Sorry, Officer. Say "Sorry, Officer!"
Sorry, Officer.
[speaks in fake Chinese language]
Back to you.
- They gone? - Yeah.
Call 'em back. 'Cause I'm getting' ready to get her.
Why, well, hold on, Muggum, why?
Where the hell you been?
- I been asleep. - You have not been up there.
I've been up them stairs looking for you, you were not sleepin'.
Well, did you check my dad's room? Because that's where I was.
Why would you be up in his room when you supposed to be in your own room?
Well, sometimes my room gets cold. I'm sorry. That's just the way it is.
You lyin'.
Like I said, the closer it gets to midnight,
the crazier things are gonna get around here.
And you know Mr. Wilson is close when...
- [talking indistinctly] - [gasping]
That happens.
Okay, well, I'm gonna go back to bed. So...
Come back here, honey. Come back here.
Come right back damn here.
- Where is Aday? - She's asleep.
You are lying to me, that girl is not up there.
I'm not lying to you.
I'm coming up them stairs and check for her, I'm tellin' you right now.
Okay, well, me and Aday are gonna be in my dad's room.
Mabel, this... What the hell.
Now look here, I don't... I don't do this.
I don't do this demonizing.
[whispering] That's him! That's him.
Girl, what the hell going on with these lights?
It's Mr. Wilson!
Mr. Wilson, please leave me alone, Mr. Wilson.
It's gonna take a lot more than that to get him to leave you alone.
And they say it gets cold when he's mad.
[Barn] Mabel, she better stop this, Mabel.
She better stop this, I'm not playing. She better stop this.
Girl, get the hell on out of here with all the bullshit.
No, I'm telling the truth. He's coming.
And the only safe place is in the bed.
Well, it is kind of shitty in here.
What? You went and did what to yourself?
- I said it's shitty in here. - What are you saying?
It's shitty in here.
She's saying "cold," honey. She's saying it's...
- Chilly. - Chilly.
Lord, have mercy, I don't know why the hell...
Brian better hurry up and get the hell back here,
'cause, come on, sit down, here.
Mabel, will you please come take me home?
[Madea] Just come on and sit down.
[exhales]
Answer the phone, answer the phone.
- Answer the phone. - [line ringing]
[automated voice] Please leave a message.
[sighs]
Aday, it's Tiffany, I've been calling you,
I've been texting you for almost half an hour now.
I don't know what to do, where are you? Please, please get back to me.
Call me back, please.
[water running]
[Bam] Hattie! Turn the water off!
Hattie.
[water bubbling]
Hattie...
Hattie, you got to start turning the water off
when you come in here.
[water bubbling]
What the hell?
What the...
Huh?
Wait a minute.
I know I turned this, I said turn off.
What the hell is that? Get... Get...
What the hell?
Mabel! What the hell is this?
Get your fat... They talkin' to...
Mabel! Madea! Madea!
[man on TV] And Halloween is going to the dogs this year,
at the annual Halloween dog costume contest.
Dogs are hard at work, trying to come up with a...
Came dressed as fairies, dinosaurs, superheroes, pirates, and royalty.
But what really surprised the crowd was a guest appearance...
Even the dogs were getting into the festivities,
doing a little trick-or-treating of their own.
But not all dogs were enjoying the festivities.
But overall, it was a wonderful day had by all.
In other news, two people were killed when the driver of a...
What the hell wrong with this here remote control?
[Jonathan in a ghostly voice] Hattie... Hattie...
[stammering] Oh, hell no, now you gonna call my name?
Hattie.
Yes, Lord?
You don't need the Lord.
I know him.
It's not the Lord.
[man on TV] We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming
to bring you this special notice.
[Jonathan] I'm Mr. Wilson.
Mr. Wilson? Oh, hell no! Hell no!
[screams]
Madea! Madea! Madea! Madea!
Madea! Madea!
Hattie, what the hell is wrong with you?
- Ma! Madea! - Mabel!
What the... What the hell is wrong with y'all?
Ma, I've seen something in my room. My TV won't go off.
- What? - I was in that bathroom
- and the water wouldn't go off. - Get up.
Mabel, I'm not playing with you, listen to me.
I looked in the mirror, Mabel, and there's something wrote,
"Get your fat ass out of here. Or die."
- Mabel, they're talking to me. - Y'all believin' that girl?
That ain't nothing but Joe playing a trick on y'all.
No, Joe's downstairs.
He's still downstairs. He's sitting in that chair.
He's still sitting in that chair.
- He's still... Yeah. - Where he was before?
Y'all go to bed. Stop acting like y'all scared.
Ma, don't try to act like you ain't scared.
- You scared, ain't you? - I am not scared.
- [Barn] Mabel... - Honey, I'm not scared.
Mabel, why are you up here in this bed?
[Hattie] With your good running church shoes.
Mabel, you got every light on in here.
I was reading.
[both] Reading what?
I was trying to read the Bible.
- You weren't reading no Bible, Ma! - Where is the Bible?
It's on the table in my heart.
Mabel, we gotta get out of here.
- [loud crashing] - [all gasping]
- Okay. - I'm having a...
- Did that come from the attic? - [Hattie] Yeah.
Did she say he was in the attic? Get the hell on up out of here!
Y'all get the hell up out of here!
[Bam] Mabel.
Y'all know I can't run down these stairs.
What the hell?
Now, Joe, stop playing games on these old ladies up there!
I ain't playing no damn jokes. I'm playing with myself.
Joe, I know it's you. I know you're down here doin' it.
Look, everybody out here out of breath. Can't breathe at all.
Bam tired running down the stairs.
Damn, you out of shape.
How the hell you get this out of breath running down the stairs, Bam?
Now Joe, stop it.
Now, y'all come on, we only got a few more hours to be in this house.
Now, come on, let's go on up there and go to bed.
- [loud crashing] - [all gasp]
- Madea! You heard that, Ma? - I heard hollering like a damn fool.
- Ma, I know you heard it upstairs. - No, I didn't. I didn't hear nothing.
Yes, you did, Ma. You know, they say that's where he killed
his whole entire family, up in the attic.
Joe, you see these ladies is worried.
Get up and be a man and go on up there and check and see what's in the attic.
Bitch, please.
Mabel, come on, take me home.
Hey, I'll take all you hoes to a hotel,
if you hoes don't tell. [laughs]
Shut the hell up!
Ma, go on up there and see what's going on.
I'm gonna stay down here with Joe.
Me too.
[Madea] I'm gonna go.
- I ain't scared. - Okay, great.
I ain't never scared.
- You're not scared. - I'm never scared.
- Then go up there then. - I'm going up there.
- You bad. - I'm never scared.
- You bad. - I'm bad. Who's bad?
- I ain't scared of nothing! - Okay, great.
The hell I got up here making all this noise?
Probably nothing but these pipes rattling like they do in my house.
I don't know what's going on up here.
Okay, great. Bye, Mabel.
- I ain't scared. I'll be back. - Okay, great.
- Bye, Mabel. - Okay, great.
If she don't come back I just want y'all to know, that's a dude.
I wanna go home, Mabel.
I ain't scared of nothing.
I ain't never been scared of nothing. I've been big all my life.
I had to be brave.
All my life I had to fight.
I ain't never thought I'd have to fight in Brian's house.
Ain't nobody up here.
Nobody. Ain't nobody up here. Hey, ain't nobody up here.
[wind howling]
[metal clattering]
I don't see nothing.
Yeah, ain't nothing up here.
Got all these crazy-looking costumes and everything, ain't nothing up here.
[floor creaking]
[shallow breathing]
Damn clown was back there.
I know the damn clown did not just move from where it was.
- [roars] - [screams]
Madea, you think she's all right?
- Ain't nothing to worry about. - [Madea screaming]
What? What?
Oh, Jesus. Ma!
Mabel, are you all right?
I thought there were a herd of buffalo coming down the damn stairs.
- Shaking up the whole damn house. - Dea, what happened?
We got to go to my house. We got to get the hell up out of here.
I thought you'd never ask!
- Yes. Yes. Let's go. - Ma, let's ride!
[screams]
What the hell is wrong with you, Hattie?
[Barn] Uh-uh.
- Ah... Look! - I don't see nothing!
I'm not gonna fall for that.
There's a clown.
[gasps] You saw a clown?
- Yes. - What'd he look like?
Oh, a dirty-looking clown. He's a crazy-looking clown!
I saw one upstairs in the attic, too.
I'm looking at three damn clowns.
Put y'all three side by side, you shaped like a one-oh-one.
Get the hell on up out of here.
Joe, I'm telling you there's something in this house.
I gotta get out of here.
We got to go. We got to go.
I don't see nothing. He gone.
- Yeah. - I know.
- [both scream] - Mabel!
I'm getting ready to choke the hell out of her.
- I'm gonna punch her dead. - Mabel.
Hey, girl, I'm getting ready to clog your esophagus. Shut up!
It moved!
- What the hell is wrong with you? - It moved!
Yeah, if something is behind me...
- Mabel. Oh, Lord! - I'm gonna...
I'm telling you right now, girl... There's some... What?
Mabel, no! No, look!
- [shallow breathing] - What's that breathing?
It's a clown, Ma!
[Barn] I don't like no clown. [whimpering]
[all screaming]
Run! Run!
Get the hell out the door! Get the hell out the door!
- [Barn] Mabel! - [indistinct shouting]
Hell no! Hell no! Hell no!
Hell no! Hell no! Hell no, girl! Hell no!
Get in the car! Get in the car!
Get in the car, Hattie! Get in the car, Bam!
[Hattie] Come on, Bam!
Get in the car! Get in my car! Get in the car!
Open my door! Y'all know I had hip surgery!
Mabel, be careful!
[moaning]
- Why we just sitting here? - I forgot the keys, girl.
Ah! Hotwire it!
Barn, what kind of lady do you think I am?
I'm a lady, I don't know how to hotwire a car.
Who the hell do you think I am, some kind of common criminal?
Well, that's all you had to say, I got you on that, Ma.
- Me too, girl, you know I know how... - Wait! Wait!
Are we just gonna leave the girl in the house with the clown?
[Madea] Listen, let me tell you right now, that's Joe's grandchild.
I ain't got nothing to do with her.
She already got a nasty attitude,
it's every clown for himself. Hotwire this.
[electricity crackling]
- [engine starts] - [both scream]
Oh, Joe, don't do that!
The hell? Joe, what the hell is wrong with you?
Hey.
The hell is wrong with you? I was about to bust your face with this damn gun.
I don't know where the hell you think you're going.
You left these in the house. You left your purse and everything up in there.
- Here. - Give me my keys.
Where are you going without them?
- I don't know. - [man on phone] Hello?
And this phone of yours been ringing off the hook.
- Hello? - I was up in there...
Burning up your minutes and somebody's on the phone.
- Is anybody there? - Who is it on the phone?
It's some preacher on the phone working on my nerve!
Hell! Preacher. Pray for that.
- Here. - [Madea] What?
Leave me the hell alone. I'm going to lay down.
[cell phone ringing]
- Who is this? - Don't answer that, Ma!
Mabel, don't answer that. I saw it in a movie.
When you answer that thing, the little girl...
When she answered the phone, she got dead.
I remember that. She said "Hello" and that thing said,
"Are you in the house alone?"
- I remember that. - Yes.
Don't answer.
It's all right.
- Don't answer it! - Don't.
- Don't answer it. - [man on phone] Hello?
But I hear somebody.
- Is anybody there? - You say there's somebody...
Who is it? Who the hell is it?
- This is Reverend Walker. - Hey, Reverend.
- Hello, Madea. - Reverend, look here.
If you calling to pray for me, I ain't got no time for that right now.
- Well, a little prayer would be good. - Bam, hush.
Okay, go and pray, Rev, go and pray.
- Oh, Lord. - Praise Jesus!
Help us all to find peace!
I'm gonna make him pray harder, watch this.
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Wool!
[laughs] He prayed harder.
Come bring your...
Look he started... [laughs] He started prayin' hard.
What is it, Reverend? All right, enough.
Amen, Jesus wept. What is it?
Have you seen Aday?
No, she's up in the house with...
- No, she's not. No. - She's not?
- I know you lying to me. - No, I'm not.
Reverend, please don't make me cuss on this phone.
- You need to come to the church. - Okay, fine.
- Come on down to the church. - Thank you. Thank you.
- Madea. Now, Madea, come on... - Well, what the Rev want?
That girl snuck out of this house and went down to that frat party.
That damn Tiffany done lied again!
The Reverend want me to come over to the church so he can talk to me.
That won't be a bad idea at all.
A little prayer won't hurt nobody right now.
Barn, I'm not going up in there for no prayer.
I'm going up in there to set this straight.
This child, she gonna need more than a little prayer.
She gonna need the damn clown and everything in there to help her
when I get back here, I'm telling you right now.
'Cause I'm not gonna deal with this.
And Mr. Wilson and a clown, that's gonna be the least of her worries.
Well, wait a minute, Ma, we just gonna leave the girl up in there, right there?
What the hell else we gonna do?
I'm not going back up in there to get her.
[tires screeching]
[mumbling]
What the hell?
Go on somewhere with that, clown. Coming up here with that bullshit.
Go on, clown, go on.
[floorboards creaking]
[wind whistling]
Ain't nothing over there, that's it, I'm telling you.
There ain't nobody in here with me.
[exhales sharply]
That's what I know.
[floorboards creaking]
[shallow breathing]
Like that?
Yeah.
[grunts]
I don't play that Halloween bullshit!
Blowing my damn high, coming up in here with a clown costume.
I did that already tonight.
- [Barn] Mabel! - [Hattie] Yeah.
[Madea] Got me going out here to church, you know?
And that damn Aday wasn't even up there.
You wait till I get back home, deal with that girl.
That's crazy as hell.
[Bam] She is something else, Mabel.
[Madea] I'm gonna fix her though, she's...
That clown gonna be the least of her worries when I get back there.
[Barn] Well, Mabel, we good for going to the church
and that's all right because we gonna need a little prayer.
- [engine sputtering] - [Madea] What the hell?
What the hell's wrong with this thing?
- [Hattie] Mabel! [whimpers] - [Bam] Mabel! Jesus!
What the hell is wrong with it?
I don't know, I'm pressing the gas.
Oh, now it's goin'... Now it's goin' backwards.
What in hell wrong with it?
" Ma! ' Stop it!
What the hell is wrong with it?
- Put it in drive. - [engine backfires]
Baby, don't cut it off!
I didn't cut the damn car off, it just killed, damn!
The hell is wrong with this thing?
[Bam coughing]
Let me look up under the hood.
I told you, I know Joe did something to my damn car,
that's why I never let him go borrow my car.
Ma, we gonna wait right here for you.
Hattie, get your ass out of the car, come help me. Bam, get out.
Mabel, I'm not getting out of this car right now.
[Madea] It takes two people to open this hood.
Come on, help me open it.
Ma, we caught here in these damn woods!
- Come, help me open the hood, girl. - Oh, Lord.
Help me open, you've got to pry it up.
Come on, on the count of three. Count of three. Look. One, two, three.
Whoo! Yeah!
When's the last time you had this thing serviced?
1972, when I bought it.
[animal howling]
What's wrong with it?
We don't know, Barn, hell, we just got out the car!
- The hell's wrong with her? - Ma, I'm scared out here.
You scared in the house, you scared in the dark, hush.
Ain't nothing out here.
No, you know I don't like to be out here in the dark in these here woods.
Nothing wrong with these woods,
hell, ain't nothing out there. Hattie, just hush.
Shh!
Is everybody all right?
Barn, we fine. Hell, we fine, would you please be quiet?
Damn, what the hell wrong with her?
Mabel.
I hear something out there.
You don't hear nothing, Hattie. Hell.
Look, is this the carburetor?
I don't know nothing about working on no car.
[low growling]
[Hattie] Ma.
[snarling]
Madea!
Oh, jeez! Oh! Madea!
What the hell's wrong with you?
- Madea! - What? What you running for?
[growling and snarling]
Oh, hell, Oh, hell. Hell!
[screaming]
[Hattie] Madea! Madea!
Madea!
- Madea! - [Bam] Hattie!
Mabel! Mabel! Wait for me!
[screaming]
Help me, Jesus! Help me, Jesus!
[panting]
Help me, Jesus!
Help me, Jesus! Help me, Jesus!
- Help me, Jesus! - [door opens]
I need Jesus!
Oh, Lord, somebody help me,
I just need Jesus, come, somebody pray for me.
What'd I do, what'd I do? Somebody just needs to pray for me.
[stammering] Oh, I need Jesus! I need...
You can't smoke in here, Madea.
Okay, but didn't Moses have a burning bush?
I need the lamb of God.
Would you like to be saved, darling?
Oh, yes, I wanna be saved, will that help me?
Oh, praise the Lord, Hallelujah, that's wonderful!
Now do you believe that Jesus is the son of God?
If I have to, that's what I'm gonna believe.
Just, I just need y'all to help me.
And you confess your sins?
Up in here with all these children up in here?
Honey, you don't want me confessing my sin up in here around these men.
I'll have all of them blushing. [laughs]
You don't know what I used to do back in the day, baby!
Wasn't no fun. Bam! [laughs]
Pray for me.
[stuttering] Well, not to Sister Alice, not to anybody in here, but to Him.
You just confess with your mouth and believe in your heart,
and you shall be saved, it's that simple.
Oh, just like that and all my problems go away,
ain't gonna be no more demons following me and there's monkeys
and everything walking behind me?
Well, getting saved doesn't mean all your troubles won't come,
but it'll help you when it do. I'm a living witness now.
I confess that Jesus is son of God.
I believe. Sha-na-na! Yes, I believe, help me.
Am I saved? I'm saved now!
- Yes... - Yes, I'm saved!
Yes, praise the Lord, I'm saved.
- [applause] - Yes, Hallelujah. Thank you.
Them demons that I keep seeing and monkeys and clowns...
They've been following you. I know.
[Madea sighs]
Reverend, you anointed just like TDJ.
How you know that, Reverend? How you know that?
Uh... Aday told me.
[Madea] How she know that?
Baby, you got the gift like Joel Osteen, you got the gift, baby?
I have a confession. I...
We snuck out of the house and went to the frat party.
I'm so sorry, Madea.
I already asked the Lord for forgiveness.
But when you came to the party and shut it down,
the frat guys got so mad.
And they wanted to prank you.
They hacked into the TV.
The lights. The plumbing. That was all them.
I heard them talking about it when the police came to shut it down.
And when you were in the car and the zombies came out of the woods,
that was them.
[softly] Yes, ma'am.
[groans]
Come on, get some holy water. Come on.
[groaning]
Jesus working on her, Hallelujah, Hallelujah.
- Now hold that. - Hallelujah, Jesus.
No, no, them words is about to come out of my mouth, but I'm in a church!
- Come on, now, hold it. Hold. - You better...
[mumbles]
Oh, Lord.
Sorry, these words trying to come up out of my...
Don't cuss, Madea, you in a church, hold yourself. Don't cuss.
- I bind you, cussing demon! - Bind him.
Cussing demon, I bind you!
You trying to tell me right now,
that that was them children that did that?
To me? And the clown?
That was them. And the movement in the attic.
I'm sorry, Miss Madea.
You ain't nowhere near as sorry as them
frat boys about to be for what they done did to me.
No, no, Miss Madea, Tiffany has some responsibility in this, I'm sorry.
[Madea] I'm gonna tell you right now.
I'm going over there and I'm gonna burn that place down. I'm going right now!
You just got saved, Miss Madea.
Sometimes getting saved is like a bad perm, Reverend...
[male voice] It just don't take.
[normal voice] Now where them boys at?
I'm going over there to get them right now.
Uh... Uh... Miss Madea...
Reverend, I know you ain't grabbing on me.
I know you ain't...
Do you want them holy hands?
Do you want your holy hands, Reverend?
I think you just need to calm down. The Bible says to turn the other cheek.
Yes, but the Bible talks about these cheeks.
What about the cheeks down at the bottom?
Those are the ones I'm going after 'cause I'm gonna tell you right now.
What they done did is just absolute, flat-out wrong.
I'm going over there and set it off.
No, no, no. Miss Madea, there's gotta be some other way
to teach them a lesson.
- [Hattie screaming] - [crowd gasping]
[Barn] Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Ma, you ain't had to leave us like that.
I know y'all knew where to come.
They came straight to the church, didn't they?
Listen. Hold on. I just found out what happened.
It was them frat boys, but listen to me.
I got this. Rev, you might be right.
There might be something we can go over there and do
- and get all this straight. - Yes.
I got... I got an idea.
I'm going to try something very different.
This is what we gonna do...
I oughta bust you...
[Madea] Joe, you ain't gonna believe this.
You ain't gonna believe what them frat boys did.
Yeah, I know everything. I know everything, look here.
[Madea] I... Hold the hell on.
[Joe] Look at him.
So y'all wanna play games with old people, huh?
What is your name, son?
Urn, I'm Renaldo, but everybody calls me Horse.
Horse? Ooh, can I ride?
- Hattie, please, damn. - Hattie, hush.
[Joe] I'm gonna tell you one more time, Hattie,
you keep talking to him like that,
you ain't getting no more of this damn donkey.
So y'all like to play games, huh? What is wrong with y'all?
I'm sorry, we don't wanna get kicked out of school, please.
You worried about getting kicked out of school,
you about to get your ass kicked.
I'm gonna get all this straight right now.
Y'all wanna play these games? I'm calling Brian.
- I'm calling right now. - Yeah.
[Brian] Madea, how you doing?
Brian, you ain't gonna never believe what your daughter did.
I need you to come home right now.
Madea, I don't...
I don't care what you're doing, if you don't get here right now,
you ain't gonna have no house.
- Yes, we gonna get it. - No, I'm good.
- Right now. - Okay, great.
And then she just snuck up out of this house.
That's exactly what she... Snuck up out of this house, Brian.
I cannot believe that...
I think that you need to just shut the hell up and listen, boy.
Right. You need to get that girl to come down here and put your foot down.
Okay. All right. But what do I say to her?
You grab her by the throat, you say, "Look here, you little..."
Daddy, if you say something bad about my daughter...
Joe, don't you call that child no bad name, hush.
Call her.
[Madea] You need to call her down here and set this thing straight.
Get this child in order, she is running all over you.
You need to get her in order.
- Okay. Tiffany! - [Tiffany] What?
Honey, can you come downstairs, please?
What the hell you doing?
Boy, what the hell wrong with you? Call her from your nuts.
[Bam exclaims]
Well, now that may be how it sounds, Joe, 'cause, he only got one.
[laughs]
Boy, I'm trying to help you. I'm trying to help you.
You're sitting here like a little me-otch.
Stop using that language in my house, okay?
Listen up, everybody here. I'll try this my way,
and if it doesn't work, then I will resort to 1938,
where you beat the hell out of your kids and everything was okay.
All right? I'll get arrested.
I'll have warrants. I'll be like you guys.
I'm running from the police. I'm running from the po-po.
I don't live that way.
Nigga. Nigga. Your way ain't never work.
We trying to tell you the way we did it in the old school.
All this new shit ain't working.
That's why all these children killing each other.
That's why all these children ain't got no respect for nobody.
This new shit don't work.
Tiffany!
Tell her you better get your ass down them steps right damn now.
Get down these stairs right now, your dad would like to talk to you,
have a conversation about some of your behavior, young lady.
Find your way down these stairs, right now.
Look, she's coming. See? Duh.
What?
Girl, did that child say, "What"?
Oh, somebody help me, y'all better hold me.
Somebody better hold me.
Tiffany, hear me clearly and answer this question, okay?
Be very careful with your answer. All right?
'Cause your life may depend on it. Um...
Did you sneak out of this house
and go to that frat party after I told you not to?
So What if I did?
I told you not to go.
Mmm. So I did. Get over it.
If you don't snatch that heifer up by her new growth and sling her
through the air like a helicopter, you better...
Where are you going, I'm talking to you.
I'm done talking to you. I'm going back to bed.
Oh, my God.
Jesus, fix him.
Okay. [blows raspberry]
I tried, that's it, I tried.
- I did what I could do. - Our turn.
No, no, hold on. What're you gonna do?
You tell her, "Baby, if you think you're grown,
you're gonna have to get your ass out of here and go get you a job."
Don't no child supposed to be up in your house talking to you like that.
The house where you pay all the bills.
What the hell is wrong with you
letting this child talk to you like that? She got to...
[male voice] She got to get her ass...
[normal voice] She got to get her ass out of here.
I am not putting my 17-year-old daughter out of the house on the streets
so she can do all kinds of criminal things.
She's not gonna grow up like you.
She's not gonna grow up like...
Other people have done. I'm not doing it.
What's the worst that can happen to her?
Turn to prostitution? Drugs? End up in the bus station,
some pimp pick her up and put her out on the street
pimping her out for years?
Hell, how you think I met your mama?
You can't put her out? Oh, you can't put her out?
Oh, oh, you can't.
Is it too tough for you to put her out?
You're such a nice man, you can't put her out.
I'll put her ass out.
- And me, too. - They swigging on
- testosterone and all them... - Y'all go on, go on. Come on.
Come on, y'all come on. Let's go. Move!
Wait a minute, what are you doing, what are you doing with my daughter?
What... Hold on. Just... What are you gonna do
when you get up here is what I wanna know.
[indistinct shouting]
[Madea] Turn the damn lights on, turn them on right now.
Get your tail up out of that bed!
[grunts] What the...
Go ahead! Finish your statement
so I can bust your head to the white meat.
Yeah, that's right, she's gonna bust it to the white meat,
and I'm gonna bust it to your damn cranium.
Say what you was about to say.
Let them words fall up out of your lips, little girl.
Oh, no... No, what are you doing with my stuff?
No, no, these are not your things. Your things is what you go in the store
and you pay for with your hard-earned money.
Your daddy bought all this stuff, so don't none of this belong to you.
This is called borrowed stuff. Rented. Do you understand?
This don't belong to you.
Oh, I like this right here!
Oh, yes, I love it!
- [Madea] You can have it. - No, you can't, that's mine!
Oh, try to take it. Try to take it.
I wanna see her do that, babe. Please try to take it from Bam.
Please try to take it from her.
What is wrong with you old people?
[Madea] Say that one more damn time.
Your daddy works hard, day and night, to buy all this stuff for you,
and you gonna sit up here with all this attitude?
- Baby, you got to go. - Go where?
I don't know but you've got to get the hell up out of here.
- Dad. - No, no...
He ain't gonna say nothing. I wish he would say something.
Brian, say something, so I can bust you in the back of your damn head.
Please say something to her.
I like this thing right here.
I can rock this like the young people say.
I can rock these.
Where you going to rock it? On your damn ankle, Bam?
Give me that damn pair of pants, you think...
That is mine.
Try and take it from me.
[grunts] Dad!
[stuttering] Uh, don't look at me.
See, that is the problem.
Okay, you're always letting people run over you.
You let Mom run over you, you let her husband run over you.
- You let me run over you. - [Madea] Uh-oh.
There it is. I knew she was angry about something.
Something hit that nerve. There it is, what happened?
Your morn did not run over me, Tiffany.
Oh, so her having an affair in this house isn't her running over you?
Brian, I believe that's running over you, right there.
I believe that's running over you.
You know about that?
Of course I know about that, okay?
Do you know that Morn has no respect for you?
When are you gonna start standing up for yourself?
You know what, you're right. You're absolutely right.
I'm gonna start standing up for myself.
Right now. Right now.
- Pack it up. - Yep!
- Everything. Let's pack it up. - Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
That's it, Brian. Pack her stuff up. Pack it up!
Okay, this has to be a joke.
No, I'm not joking at all. I'm telling you right now.
You obviously know everything that went on between me and your mother,
you know everything that happened.
Forgive me for trying to protect you and your brother
from what was going on.
From trying to protect you from the pain that was happening in this house.
Listen to me. It takes a stronger person to leave a situation
than it is to stay and fight in a situation that's not worth it.
Do you understand what I'm telling you? Obviously you don't.
So you clearly don't appreciate anything that I've ever done.
So it's time for you to go. You got to go!
Go where?
I don't know. But it's obvious you're grown.
You can make your own decisions.
If you cannot abide by the rules in this house,
then you are not allowed here. Do you understand?
Don't cry. Tiffany, I can't do the tears.
I'm not gonna do the tears. I've had enough of this.
I've had enough.
Okay.
I love you. Do you understand that?
But you have to abide by the rules in this house.
If I say it, you have to abide by it. Do you understand?
I know you're a teenager. I know that a lot's going on. And listen to me,
I want you to go out and live your life.
I want you to make mistakes.
But I don't want you to make any mistakes
that's gonna cause you to ruin your life.
You shouldn't have gone to that party.
Anything could have happened to you over there.
I'm not trying to run your life.
I'm trying to protect you as your father.
And if you cannot understand that, then you have to go. ls that clear?
- Okay. - So tell me right now.
Are you staying in this house and abiding by my rules
or are we all gonna put you out of here?
I'm staying. I'm listening to you.
- Apologize. - I'm sorry, Dad.
- Mean it. - I'm sorry.
I still think you need to whoop her ass.
One good time.
[Madea] All right. Listen.
Little girl, let me explain something to you, honey.
That's what parents be trying to do. Set you on the right path.
Parents aren't perfect. They make all kinds of mistakes.
And when you start trying to make them perfect,
you mess up thinking that they are. They are not God.
They are parents. And they try to do the best for you.
And you sitting there and I know you're mad
at your mama for what she did
and you're mad at your daddy for him not standing up.
All that is clear, honey.
But what you need to understand about that is this.
Forgive your mama, forgive your daddy, for the things they didn't know
and you help them figure it out.
Since you wanna act like you so grown.
You understand?
Yes.
And I'm gonna tell you right now, I'm mad as hell at you
for letting them frat boys come up in here and trick me up in this house.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
[knocking]
Uh-oh. That's the po-po.
I know the po-po knock anywhere.
- It probably is. - Lord have mercy.
Well, Brian. Go open the door.
Yeah. Of course you want me to get the door.
I'm the only one without a warrant.
- We're not done talking. - [knocking continues]
[Hattie] Police at the door.
But, Brian, I've got a prescription. I'm still legal.
Let's go see what's going on.
Yeah. Who is it? Officer. What's going on?
- We need your daughter, Tiffany. - Tiffany? For what?
What is going on?
- What'd you do? - I didn't do anything.
- You know Aday Walker? - Yeah.
When was the last time you talked to her?
Um, last night.
- She was with you at the frat house? - Yeah.
- Wait a minute, what's going on? - Come on.
No, no, no, no. Until you tell me what's going on,
she's not going anywhere.
Sir, this girl is missing.
- What? - And we need to find her.
Her parents are worried sick.
Go on with them.
- What? Dad, no! - Yeah, go on with them.
I'm right behind you, okay? Go on.
- Go on. - Dad.
[officer] Come on.
You gonna put handcuffs on her?
I'm right behind you, let me get my keys.
[knocking on door]
[Jonathan] Go home! Come back next year.
Peasants, the party's over!
[officer 1] Police! Open up!
Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no.
What do they want? What do they want?
- What do they want? - We don't know.
Dino knows. It's about that 17-year-old charlatan from last night.
You shut up, Dino.
Clean up. Clean up. Put it in the basement.
[indistinct chatter]
[knocking continues]
[officer 1] Police! Open up!
[knocking continues]
[officer 1] Open up! Now!
- What's wrong with you? - [Horse] What?
- Talk. - [Horse] Spit it out.
Go. Go.
[man] What now?
Come on, cops again?
- [officer 1] Open up! - [Dino] Worst party ever.
Let's get out of here. Go. Let's go, let's go, go.
[knocking continues]
[officer 1] This is your last chance to open the door.
What the hell?
- She disappeared last night. - Nobody saw her?
- Dino. Dino. Dino. Dino. - No. No. No.
Dino! Dino!
- This dude was with her. - No! Nothing.
What'd you do?
[door slams]
[Dino] Wasn't me!
Police! We got a warrant to search these premises.
Everybody outside. Handcuffed. Let's go.
- We didn't do anything. - Let's go! Let's go!
Everybody outside.
[officer 2] Come on.
Keep it moving.
[officer 3] Rain Matheson, Leah Devero. And she was here.
And she's underage just like this girl.
You know that.
Did you bring those girls up here and you knew they were underage?
No, no. We just invited them.
But we didn't know their age.
- We didn't know anything. - Yes, you did.
Both them girls know damn well she is underage.
She underage. And you took her down to that party.
That's right. That's why you're in trouble right now.
- No. - Stop that damn lying.
You've been friends with her since y'all was in the fourth grade.
How the hell you ain't know how old she was?
- We swear. We didn't know. - We didn't know anything.
- It was them. I saw it. - Shut up, Jonathan.
We found a body in the basement.
[Reverend] ls it my daughter?
[Alice] No, no, not Aday.
We are waiting on the medical examiner, but you can identify the body.
See, that's what your daddy was trying to tell you, honey.
This is what I was trying to get you to understand.
Your parents ain't lame 'cause they tell you not to go out.
Not to be texting and driving.
All that stuff is bad. Y'all kill people.
And now this girl is up in there dead. She is dead. She dead.
Y'all are under arrest for the murder of Aday Walker.
[all pleading indistinctly]
It was them! It was them!
Dad, I'm sorry. Dad, help me.
Listen, I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do.
- I didn't do anything. - I will do my best to get you out.
I don't know if I can, but I'll try.
[male prisoner 1] Big, strong boys.
Hey, yep. Y'all finna get it. Yeah.
[Jonathan crying]
[male prisoner 2] I like the cryin' baby.
[female prisoner] Who is this?
[Jonathan continues crying]
Who cryin'?
Homie, you gonna hug a man from the back.
Nothing wrong with that though. Good hugging in the shower.
Soap flying everywhere. So romantic.
[whimpers and cries]
So you killed her and you crying about it?
We didn't kill her. I promise.
There's a dead body, you're on the bus with us.
This is messed up, bro.
Hold tight. Be quiet. And we'll be back.
These are your new friends.
Ain't gonna be no more frat parties and stuff.
'Cause y'all killed a girl and you're going down for it.
Who is this?
[officer 3] Treat her nice. She is a minor.
But those two, they are 18.
- Who? - No, we're not. No, no.
No, no, no. That's not us.
I sure would like to twist your hair, girl.
- No, no. I don't like braids. - [Leah] Me either.
They're not a cute look.
My hair doesn't twist, I swear.
It's just really straight, and, like, bendy,
and it's really not cute on me.
[female prisoner] Well, you can twist mine, baby.
No, no. Our manicures won't let us twist.
- They'd get caught. - I'm sorry, miss. Uh...
My name is Walter.
Oh, my God, this just keeps getting worse.
Wait, wait, wait. That's my momma and my daddy.
Momma, daddy. No, wait, wait. That's my sister.
- You killed my sister! - No, no, no. They're black.
They're not even related to you!
[people screaming]
Lord have mercy. [laughs]
Ooh!
Hey, baby. Lord have mercy.
- How did I do as a cop? - You did all right, baby,
but I don't want you to have to run after nobody here.
'Cause I don't know if you gonna be able to keep up.
You know damn well I ain't the police. I couldn't be the police.
I know. Hell, your record longer than mine.
You calling me 'cause you're getting robbed,
I might rob your ass, too.
- I ain't the real police. - [Madea laughs]
[screaming continues]
I want that little Jonathan to see
what it feel like to get pranked by somebody.
Since he always doing all the damn pranking.
- [growling] - [chuckles]
They're touching me. Please!
I don't know, guys. This is just wrong.
Look, come on, now, Madea, this is enough. Let's help them.
[crying]
Maybe you better watch out for that little one.
He look like he getting ready to get raped for real.
Go and get 'em off the bus. He'll be all right.
Go and get 'em off the bus. But take your time.
Hell, I'm enjoying this!
- [bus honking] - [officer 3] Y'all, sit down.
All the little killers, come on. Y'all come on.
Aday, come on out here, baby. Rise from the dead.
Jesus, say Lazarus, please come up.
- Coming, Miss Madea. - Thank you!
Hey, she come up from the...
Did good with that makeup, girl. Just all bloody.
Come on, keep walking. And hurry up.
Oh, no. Shh, shh. Here they come. Here they come. Stand there like Carrie.
[Jonathan crying]
[officer 3] Keep walking. Come on. Don't say nothing. Keep walking.
See, no... No hugs necessary.
- [Jonathan] I love you so... - Just keep walking.
You are so wrong for that.
I know. But I'm alive.
I know. I'm sorry. So sorry.
- I'm so glad to see you. - Don't do that to us again.
I hope you learned your lesson. I hope all of you learned your lesson.
- This is just wrong. - Trust me, sir. We did.
Well, Miss Madea, I'm sorry we pranked you and...
You get my point for the prank?
Trust me, your prank, we get it now. We get it.
Good. Okay, good. Thank you so much.
So, how do you know all those guys in there?
All the people came from my neighborhood. All of 'em.
That's all my people from my hood.
How did you get all these fake officers?
Hell, Brian know a whole bunch of people.
That's how I got a fake officer.
You know I don't mess around with no real officer.
Oh, no, Madea. Those aren't fake officers.
They're not fake officers.
Those are real officers. Who do you think I am?
Federal prosecutor. I brought the real officers.
- Say what? - Those aren't fake officers.
- These the real police? - Yeah.
- Real po-po? One time? - Yeah.
Okay, I can handle this.
Oh, shit.
Wait, so all the officers in our house right now are real?
Now there's nothing in there you have to be afraid of, is there, son?
We found marijuana in the house.
You ain't got no prescription. You ain't got no prescription.
Hey, don't I know you?
- Let's ride. - [shrieking]
I know I know you from somewhere!
[Barn] Madea!
- Madea! - Hey, where you going?
[Madea] He ain't gon' never catch me...
That's the way to get rid of them. Come on, let's go home.
- [Barn] Madea! Madea! - I'm sorry.
You are learning.
[Barn] Madea, come back and get me!
I remember I was sitting there trying to teach you how to read.
And I told you to use the word "bishop" in a sentence.
And you said, "The bishop was at the church."
I said "Boy, that ain't what that word means."
Then you got mad at me because I was telling you
what the word really means.
Then you say "Daddy, use it in a sentence."
So I use it in a sentence for you. This is what I say.
"Bishop", this is what it means.
"Your mama came in the house drunk, falling down
and I had to pick the bishop."
Whoop that ass.
[laughing]
- We going. Hold on here. - [Bam] Mabel!
- [Barn groans] - That's all right.
This son of a bitch gonna start one of these days.
- Madea! - [engine turns on]
Got any oil in there?
That's all right. I got everything in here.
Don't look like you got no gas because we still ain't left.
[chuckling]
Yo, man, wait.
Remember that time. Y'all got to stop laughing.
You all over my lines. Stop jumping my lines.
Who the hell is that up there walking for real? Now hold on.
- Hold the hell on. - [people laughing]
Hold the hell on. Who's upstairs?
I told Kanye I could've rapped with him,
he wouldn't let me go on the road with him.
[laughing]
- You see, I'm on the canes now. - Yes, I see it.
Yeah. [laughing]
Hell, I'm killing the cameraman.
All of them got carbon monoxide poisoning by now.
Here we go.
You got to go home. After I'm done.
I ain't doing all that cuddling and holding,
acting like I like you. I ain't finna do that.
I wanna be in my bed by myself.
Thank you. I'll see you later.
Your 20 dollars is on the dresser.
Look at... [chuckles]
I ain't gonna tell her what happened.
[laughing]
Do you know what a ho is? No, you don't. Be glad.
Well, you do. Well, your mama. Your mama was a ho.
But that's all right. That's all right.
God gotta make room for everybody.
Yeah, when she died I had to bury her on her belly to give her ass a break.
'Cause she was just worn out.
But last year I was actually a ghost.
Wait, you just said you don't celebrate ghosts.
Oh, no, the Holy Ghost.
[all laugh]
Can somebody just be on a script?
See, we've said some things twice.
Yeah, I've been telling them that she went down there to the doctor.
And the doctor told her that she can't have sex for a while.
That's what the doctor told her.
I said, well, "What did the dentist say?"
[chuckling] Oh, shit. It's too late for this shit.
[continues laughing]