>> WE TAKE YOU LIVE OUTSIDE THE ROYAL WEDDING.
( DISCO MUSIC ) ♪
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE
SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!
TONIGHT, THE ROYAL WEDDING EVE.
PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH AND COMEDIENNE MARY
GALLAGHER, FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN."
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: WHOO!
HEY!
HOW ARE YA?
LOOK AT THAT!
HEY, EVERYBODY!
PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY!
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
PLEASE, YOU'RE TOO KIND!
SIT DOWN!
THANKS VERY MUCH!
THANKS, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WE ARE JUST HOURS AWAY FROM THE ROYAL WEDDING.
( CHEERING ) WOO, INDEED.
IT'S A FAIRYTALE WEDDING-- IF THE FAIRYTALE IS ABOUT BEING
MARRIED TO THE SIXTH IN LINE FOR THE CROWN OF A CONSTITUTIONAL
MONARCHY WHO LACKS ANY POWER AND EXISTS PURELY AS A TOURIST TRAP.
( LAUGHTER ) STILL, MEGHAN MARKEL IS AN
AMERICAN, FELLOW NORTHWESTERN GRAD, SO I HAVE TO
GET THEM A GIFT, BUT THEIR REGISTRY IS RIDICULOUS-- THE
ONLY ITEMS LEFT ARE A GILDED CLOCK TOWER AND A MOAT.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WRAP A MOAT.
NOW, THE CEREMONY STARTS AT 7:00 A.M. EASTERN TIME.
TOMORROW MORNING.
SO, FINALLY, I'LL BE ABLE TO SLEEP THROUGH A WEDDING AT HOME.
WE FINALLY LEARNED WHO'S GOING TO BE IN MEGHAN'S BRIDAL PARTY!
SHE'LL BE JOINED AT THE ALTAR BY SIX BRIDESMAIDS, INCLUDING
THREE-YEAR-OLD PRINCESS CHARLOTTE.
( CHEERING ) SHE IS SO ADORABLE.
SO CUTE!
BUT IT'S REALLY GOING TO CHANGE THE BACHELORETTE PARTY.
"GOOD EVENING, LADIES-- SOMEONE CALL THE BOBBIES OVER A NOISE
COMPLAINT?
AND UHHH-- I'LL BE KEEPING MY PANTS ON."
( LAUGHTER ) THEN OF COURSE THERE WAS THE
DRAMA SURROUNDING THE BRIDE'S FATHER.
HE WON'T BE ATTENDING ON SATURDAY FOR HEALTH REASONS.
AND HE DID CAUSE A BIT OF STIR WHEN HE SOLD FAKE PAPARAZZI
PICTURES OF HIS PREPARATION FOR THE WEDDING.
AND HE'S NOT ALONE.
MARKLE'S HALF-SISTER WROTE A BOOK CALLED "THE DIARY OF
PRINCESS PUSHY'S SISTER," AND MEGHAN'S NEPHEW IS GROWING A NEW
MARIJUANA STRAIN CALLED "MARKLE'S SPARKLE".
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( LAUGHTER ) REALLY?
SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD TIME, BUT I STILL PREFER A DIME BAG OF QUEEN
ELIZA-SPLIFF.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, BACK IN AMERICA, I'VE
NEVER THOUGHT THAT DONALD TRUMP IS THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE
SHED.
BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT, I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT HE'S A TOOL.
( LAUGHTER ) AND TODAY --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH, WOW!
SURE.
TOOL USERS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND, TODAY, WE GOT ANOTHER
GLIMPSE OF WHAT THE PRESIDENT IS LIKE IN PRIVATE FROM ACTUAL
BILLIONAIRE BILL GATES.
AT -- WHAT WAS HE AT?
HE WAS AT SOMETHING.
HE WAS AT SOMETHING WHERE GATES WAS ON
STAGE, GATES TOLD THE STORY ABOUT THE FIRST TIME HE MET
TRUMP IN 2016, IT WAS WEIRD FROM THE START.
>> WHEN I WALKED IN, HIS FIRST SENTENCE KIND OF THREW ME OFF.
HE SAID, "TRUMP HEARS THAT YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT TRUMP IS DOING."
( LAUGHTER ) AND I THOUGHT, "WOW, BUT YOU'RE
TRUMP."
( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: GATES DOESN'T KNOW TRUMP TALKS ABOUT HIMSELF IN THE
THIRD PERSON?
COLBERT IS SHOCKED.
( LAUGHTER ) AND LATER, GATES TRIED TO GIVE
THEN PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP SOME ADVICE.
>> ANYWAYS, SO I SAW HIM IN TRUMP TOWER, AND I SAID, "HEY,
SCIENCE AND INNOVATION IS A GREAT THING.
YOU SHOULD BE A LEADER WHO DRIVES INNOVATION.
YOU KNOW, PICK THINGS YOU WANT TO DO THAT ARE BIG.
H.I.V. VACCINE, YOU COULD ACCELERATE THAT.
BE ASSOCIATED WITH INNOVATIONS.
HE WANTED TO KNOW IF THERE WAS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN H.I.V. AND
H.P.V.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S AN EASY MISTAKE.
WE ALL REMEMBER THAT FAMOUS SCENE IN PHILADELPHIA WHERE TOM
HANKS IS TOLD HE HAS AN IRREGULAR PAP SMEAR.
( LAUGHTER ) BEAUTIFUL.
I CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT HE'S TALKING TO THE BIGGEST NERD
IN THE WORLD ABOUT SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES?
WHAT DOES TRUMP TALK TO THE PORN STARS ABOUT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "HEY, LOOK, LOOK -- I -- HEY,
STORMY, GET IN HERE.
WHY CAN'T I OPEN ADOBE READER?" ( LAUGHTER )
"I THINK I HAVE H.P.V. IN MY P.D.F."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) SO DUMB.
SO DUMB!
GATES ACTUALLY MET WITH TRUMP TWICE TO DISCUSS HIS SCIENCE
INITIATIVES, AND TRUMP ASKED IF H.I.V. AND H.P.V. WERE THE SAME
THING BOTH TIMES.
"ALSO, HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS HGTV?
I HEARD YOU COULD CATCH IT FROM OPEN CONCEPT KITCHENS ."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THAT'S NOT THE ONLY BASIC
SCIENCE QUESTION TRUMP ASKED GATES.
"HE ASKED ME IF VACCINES WEREN'T A BAD THING BECAUSE HE WAS
CONSIDERING A COMMISSION TO LOOK INTO ILL EFFECTS OF VACCINES.
AND I SAID, "NO, THAT'S A DEAD END, THAT'D BE A BAD THING,
DON'T DO THAT."
WELL, AT LEAST GATES KNOWS THAT YOU HAVE TO TALK TO TRUMP LIKE
YOU'RE TALKING TO FRANKENSTEIN.
"FIRE, BAD!
VACCINE, GOOD!" ( LAUGHTER )
GATES ALSO TOLD THE STORY OF WHEN HIS DAUGHTER MET TRUMP.
>> HE KNEW MY DAUGHTER JENNIFER BECAUSE TRUMP HAS THIS HORSE
SHOW THING DOWN IN FLORIDA.
IN FACT, HE WENT UP AND TALKED TO JEN AND WAS BEING SUPER NICE.
AND THEN, LIKE 20 MINUTES LATER, HE FLEW IN ON A HELICOPTER TO
THE SAME PLACE.
SO, CLEARLY HE HAD BEEN DRIVEN AWAY BUT HE WANTED TO MAKE A
GRAND ENTRANCE IN A HELICOPTER.
( LAUGHTER ) WHOO!
(THEME SONG PLAYS) WHOO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SOME PEOPLE ARE SO NEEDY.
( LAUGHTER ) TO TOP IT OFF, TRUMP GOT VERY
TRUMP ABOUT BILL GATES' DAUGHTER.
>> IT WAS ACTUALLY KIND OF SCARY HOW WELL HE KNEW-- HOW MUCH HE
KNEW ABOUT MY DAUGHTER'S APPEARANCE.
>> STEPHEN: WHAT'S WEIRD ABOUT THAT?
"HEY BILL, YOUR DAUGHTER IS HOT.
NOT IVANKA-HOT, BUT YOU KNOW."
FOR DAYS NOW, PEOPLE HAVE BEEN -- I'M NOT MAKING THAT UP, YOU
KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) FOR DAYS, NOW, PEOPLE HAVE BEEN
FREAKING OUT OVER THE LAUREL OR YANNY SITUATION.
YOU GUYS HAVE ALL -- YES, YOU HAVE.
OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) ONE SOUND CLIP, TWO
INTERPRETATIONS.
>> LAUREL.
LAUREL.
>> Stephen: OKAY, WHO HEARD LAUREL?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHO HEARD YANNY?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: SOME PEOPLE HEAR
LAUREL, SOME PEOPLE HEAR YANNY, BUT ALL I HEAR, IS SIR, PLEASE
TURN OFF THAT PHONE UNTIL MASS IS OVER.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, ALL INTERNET TRENDS
COME TO AN END.
HARD TO SAY WHY, BUT USUALLY WHEN SOMETHING LIKE THIS
HAPPENS...
>> IT'S SO CLEARLY LAUREL.
>> DEFINITELY LAUREL.
>> IT'S LAUREL.
BUT I COULD DEFLECT AND DIVERT TO YANNY IF YOU NEED ME TO.
>> SARAH, IT'S BEEN REPORTED THAT YOU HEAR LAUREL, HOW DO YOU
RESPOND?
>> CLEARLY, YOU'RE GETTING YOUR INFORMATION FROM CNN, BECAUSE
THAT'S FAKE NEWS.
ALL I HEAR IS YANNY.
>> WHO'S YANNY?
>> I HEAR "COVFEFE."
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: DONALD TRUMP HASN'T
WORKED THIS HARD TO GO VIRAL SINCE THE DATING SCENE IN THE
'80S.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
BUT THE WHITE HOUSE SEEMS LIKE THEY'RE HAVING A LOT OF FUN WITH
THE WHOLE LAUREL OR YANNY THING, SO I THOUGHT THEY MIGHT WANT TO
LISTEN TO SOME MORE AUDIO CLIPS AND TELL ME WHAT THEY HEAR.
READY?
HERE'S THE FIRST ONE.
>> CORRUPTION.
CORRUPTION.
( CHEERING ) >> STEPHEN: SOUNDS LIKE
"BUMBLEBEE"?
( LAUGHTER ) LET'S TRY ANOTHER ONE.
>> TREASON.
TREASON.
>> STEPHEN: I HEAR "ROOT BEER FLOAT"!
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY, HOW ABOUT THIS ONE--
LISTEN CLOSELY.
>> LIES.
LIES.
FILTHY LIES.
YOU ARE A LIAR.
A FILTHY, DISGUSTING LIAR.
AND GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR WHAT YOU HAVE WROUGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: OKAY, THAT ONE'S
YANNY.
( APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH IS HERE.
BUT WHEN I RETURN, I ASK THE BIG QUESTIONS WITH AN EVEN BIGGER
STAR.
STICK AROUND.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK.
GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND OVER THERE.
JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," MAKING IT BEAUTIFUL EVERY NIGHT.
THANK YOU, JON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JON, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
PLAYING THE MUSIC EVERY NIGHT AND MAKING IT BEAUTIFUL BECAUSE
LIFE CAN BE UGLY AS WE LEARNED AGAIN TODAY FROM THE HORRIBLE
EVENTS DOWN IN TEXAS.
THE CERTAINLY, OUR HEARTS GO OUT TO EVERYBODY DOWN THERE WHO LOST
A LOVED ONE OR A FRIEND, AND EVERYONE WHO'S BEEN AFFECTED BY
GUN VIOLENCE ALL AROUND THE COUNTRY.
I BELIEVE THIS IS THE 22n 22nd MASS SHOOTING THIS YEAR.
I DON'T NECESSARILY KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
I THOUGHT ABOUT SAYING NOTHING TONIGHT.
WHO AM I?
BUT YOU CAN'T WALK AWAY FROM SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
WE TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS EVERY DAY ON THIS SHOW, AND THIS IS
NOTHING YOU CAN WALK AWAY FROM, AND YOU SHOULDN'T.
THESE PEOPLE CAN NEVER WALK AWAY FROM IT FOR THE REST OF THEIR
LIVES.
NONE OF US CAN WALK AWAY FROM IT BECAUSE IT'S SOMEBODY ELSE'S
CHILD OR MOTHER OR FATHER OR BROTHER OR SISTER TODAY, BUT
TOMORROW IT COULD BE OURS, COULD BE YOURS.
SO WE CAN'T PRETEND IT'S NOT HAPPENING.
AND AS I SAID, I DON'T PRETEND TO NECESSARILY KNOW WHAT TO DO,
BUT I DO KNOW THAT OUR LEADERS ARE NOT DOING ENOUGH.
THEY'RE NOT MAKING CHANGE FOR US.
THEY'RE NOT CHANGING THIS HORRIBLE SITUATION, AND THE ONLY
THING I KNOW IS THAT YOU HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO CHANGE OUR
COUNTRY BY VOTING, AND IF OUR LEADERS DO NOT CHANGE OUR
COUNTRY, IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY AS ADULTS TO CHANGE OUR LEADERS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO VOTE.
REGISTER NOW.
VOTE IN NOVEMBER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND, NOW, I AM GOING TO GO OVER
HERE TO CAMERA TWO IN JUST A MINUTE TO DO THE NEXT PART OF
THIS ACT.
WHEN I GET OVER THERE, YOU'RE GOING TO NOTICE I'M IN A MUCH
BETTER MOOD, BECAUSE WE TAPED IT YESTERDAY, AND, SO, BEFORE I GO
OVER THERE, I WANT TO SAY HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND, I'LL SEE ALL OF
YOU YESTERDAY, WHERE I WISH WE COULD ALL GO.
YOU KNOW, I'M A PRETTY DEEP GUY.
IN FACT, I'LL OFTEN ASK MYSELF LIFE'S BIG QUESTIONS, LIKE --
"WHY AM I HERE?" AND, "WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?"
AND, "DID THAT GUY AT STARBUCKS REALLY THINK MY NAME WAS KYLE OR
DAVID OR DID A JUST TAKE DAVID'S COFFEE?
( LAUGHTER ) SOMETIMES I NEED TO EXPRESS
THESE THOUGHTS, THOUGHTS THAT CAN ONLY BE UNDERSTOOD BY
ANOTHER VERY DEEP A-LIST CELEBRITY.
IT'S TIME FOR "BIG QUESTIONS WITH EVEN BIGGER STARS!"
♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) WOW.
LOOK AT THAT SKY.
THE STARS ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.
I WONDER WHAT THEY'RE MADE OF...
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> IT'S ELEMENTARY, MY DEAR
STEPHEN.
>> STEPHEN: HEY, BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH!
>> HEY, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LIKE I WAS SAYING, THEY'RE LITERALLY "ELEMENTARY."
LIKE HELIUM AND CARBON AND STUFF.
>> STEPHEN: RIGHT.
YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SURPRISED TO SEE YOU HERE.
YOU SEEM LIKE THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO HAS PROFOUND THOUGHTS.
>> IT'S THE ACCENT.
>> STEPHEN: RIGHT.
HEY BENEDICT?
>> YEAH, STEPHEN?
>> STEPHEN: DO YOU EVER WONDER HOW YOUR LIFE WOULD BE DIFFERENT
IF YOU WERE BORN IN A DIFFERENT PLACE?
>> NOT REALLY.
I THINK ENGLAND IS THE ONLY PLACE THAT MAKES PEOPLE NAMED
"BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH."
( LAUGHTER ) HEY S.C.?
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, B.C.?
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR LAST THOUGHT WILL BE?
>> STEPHEN: PROBABLY-- "PARACHUTE!"
( SNAPS FINGERS ) YEAH.
BERTY?
>> STEPHEN: HEY, BATCHY?
IS HAPPEN NECESSARY THE SAME AS JOY?
>> NO.
I DATED JOY FOR YEARS AND SHE WAS NOT HAPPY.
STEVE?
>> STEPHEN: BENEDICT TIMOTHY CARLTON CUMBERBATCH, COMMANDER
OF THE BRITISH EMPIRE?
>> DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE THAT DOLPHINS ARE SMARTER THAN
HUMANS?
>> STEPHEN: YES.
FOR ONE THING, THEY FIGURED OUT HOW TO GET INTO SEAWORLD FOR
FREE.
( LAUGHTER ) HEY, DOCTOR STRANGE?
>> YES, DOCTOR EXCEEDINGLY NORMAL?
>> STEPHEN: DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE WE'RE ALL JUST LIVING
INSIDE A VIDEO GAME?
>> NO.
BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW MANY WHITE PILLS I EAT, THE GHOSTS STILL
FOLLOW ME EVERYWHERE.
>> STEPHEN: WAKA-WAKA-WAKA!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IS IT A STAR?
>> IS IT OR A SOV YET SATELLITE.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
>> Stephen: HEY BENNIE BATCH?
>> YEAH, STEPHEN COLE-SLAW?
>> STEPHEN: IS THERE A NUMBER SO LARGE THAT THE HUMAN MIND CANNOT
EVEN COMPREHEND IT?
>> YES.
IT'S THE AMOUNT OF MONEY BEING MADE BY THE AVENGERS.
>> STEPHEN: WOW.
>> YEAH, I THINK WE'RE UP TO VENTI-GRILLION DOLLARS.
HEY, S?
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, B?
>> DO YOU BELIEVE THERE ARE ANY MYSTERIES HUMANITY CAN'T SOLVE?
>> STEPHEN: NO, YOU USUALLY WRAP THEM UP BY THE END OF THE
SEASON.
( LAUGHTER ) >> WELL, ACTUALLY, EACH EPISODE
IS A SELF-CONTAINED MYSTERY.
>> STEPHEN: WELL, SURE, BUT THERE ARE OVERARCHING QUESTIONS
THAT RUN THROUGH MULTIPLE EPISODES.
EVEN MULTIPLE SERIES.
LIKE THE WHOLE MORIARITY THING.
WHAT'S GOING THERE?
>> HE'S DEAD.
I THOUGHT WE MADE THAT PRETTY CLEAR.
>> STEPHEN: HE'S STILL LEAVING YOU MESSAGES!
>> HE'S GONE, STEPHEN!
IT'S OVER!
>> STEPHEN: SEE?
THIS IS WHY I'M A WATSON FAN.
( LAUGHTER ) >> YOU WOULD BE!
>> STEPHEN: HEY, BENEDICTATOR?
>> YEAH, COLBERT FORCE ONE?
>> STEPHEN: WOULD YOU RATHER FIGHT A LOBSTER THE SIZE OF A
BEAR, OR TWENTY BEARS THE SIZE OF LOBSTERS?
>> HMMM.
NEITHER.
I'D RATHER JUST WAIT FOR THE DRUGS TO WEAR OFF.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: HOW LONG DOES THAT
USUALLY TAKE?
>> THE LENGTH OF A COMMERCIAL BREAK.
>> STEPHEN: PERFECT, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS ONE WITH
MORE BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WAKA WAKA WAKA WAKA!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: HEY!
WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW MY FIRST GUEST AS
SHERLOCK HOLMES DR. STRANGE, AND SMAUG THE
DRAGON.
HIS LATEST ROLE IS "PATRICK MELROSE."
>> YEARS SINCE I'VE TALKED TO STRANGERS WITHOUT DRUGS.
>> ETCH B WHEN WE DID TAKE DRUGS ALL WE SAW WAS THE INSIDE OF THE
BATHROOM.
>> WILL WE BE TAKING ECSTASY THIS EVENING?
>> NONADDICTIVE HIGH.
DON'T REALLY SEE THE ATTRACTION OF THE NONADDICTIVE
DRUG.
WHAT'S THE POINT?
(BLEEP), I NEED A DRINK.
NO, THANK YOU.
>> STEPHEN: PLEASE WELCOME, BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
>> YOU HAVE A LOVELY OFFICE.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> YOU HAVE A VERY LOVELY OFFICE WITH A LOVELY VIEW IN THE
OFFICE.
>> Stephen: IT'S A LOVELY WORKPLACE.
>> IT IS A LOVELY WORKPLACE.
I FEEL I NEED TO DRESS FOR WALL STREET.
THERE IS SOMETHING VERY PROPER ABOUT YOU.
>> Stephen: I USUALLY WEAR A JUMP SUIT.
( LAUGHTER ) AS I SAID EARLIER IN THE DEEP
THOUGHTS OVER THERE IN THE BIG QUESTIONS, YOU'RE A COMMANDER OF
THE BRITISH EMPIRE?
>> I'M A COMMANDER OF THE BRITISH EMPIRE.
>> Stephen: WHAT DOES ONE NEED TO DO TO BECOME A COMMANDER OF
THE BRITISH EMPIRE?
>> IN MY CASE, A BIT OF ACTING.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
AND WHAT DO YOU GET?
DO YOU GET TO COMMAND A REGIMENT OR SOMETHING?
>> YOU GET A BEAUTIFUL MEDAL.
THE MEDAL OF HONOR, THAT IS THE CROSS, AND YOU ARE ABLE TO DO
CERTAIN THINGS, I BELIEVE, IN ST. PAUL'S CATHEDRAL.
LEGITIMATE CHRISTIAN THINGS, NOT PARTIES OR ANYTHING.
>> Stephen: I THINK I COULD DO THAT.
WHAT DO YOU GET TO DO?
BAPTIZE PEOPLE OR ANYTHING?
>> YOU CAN USE THE CRYPT CHAPEL.
YES, YOU COULD BAPTIZE YOUR CHILD THERE.
>> Stephen: YOU WOULD HAVE TO HAVE A PRIEST.
YOU COULDN'T DO IT YOURSELF.
>> NO, I COULDN'T DO IT MYSELF.
I HAVE MARRIED PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: AS A COMMANDER OF THE BRITISH EMPIRE ARE YOU GOING
TO THE ROYAL WEDDING THIS WEEKEND?
>> I'M NOT.
>> Stephen: WHY NOT?
BECAUSE I'M IN NEW YORK DOING A THING.
>> Stephen: NICELY DONE.
WE KNOW YOU FROM SO MANY GREAT PERFORMANCES.
WAR HORSE, TINKER SOLDIERS, SPY, DR. STRANGE, "12 YEARS A SLAVE,"
INFINITY WAR.
>> YES, THAT LITTLE FLICK.
>> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
THAT LITTLE FLICK.
>> Stephen: AND, OF COURSE, I LOVED YOU IN DR. STRANGE.
BIG DR. STRANGE FAN.
YOU'RE A PERFECT STEPHEN STRANGE.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: THAT'S FULL OF MYSTICAL EXPERIENCES.
I FOUND OUT YOUR HAD YOUR OWN TIBETAN EXPERIENCE.
>> I DID INTO WHAT WAS THAT?
THAT WAS EXTRAORDINARY.
BASICALLY, I HAD A YEAR BETWEEN SCHOOL AND UNIVERSITY AND I
WORKED FOR HALF OF IT TO PAY TO GO OFF TO INDIA FOR SIX MONTH,
FIVE OF WHICH I WAS TEACHING IN A TIBETAN BUDDHIST MONASTERY IN
NORTHEAST INDIA.
>> Stephen: FIVE MONTHS LIVING WITH TIBETAN BUDDHIST MORNINGS.
>> LIVING IN THE BASEMENT WITH THEIR TEACHER ON SITE.
I SAY TEACH IN THE LOOSEST POSSIBLE TERMS.
I'M VERY -- I DON'T KNOW, I'M FULL OF INCREDIBLE KIND OF
RESPECT FOR REAL TEACHERS.
I GOT AWAY WITH MURDER.
I THINK IT WAS MORE CULTURAL EXCHANGE THAN ANYTHING.
>> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU LEARN?
>> I LEARNED A LOT MORE I THINK THAN I DID.
THAT'S WHY THE EXCHANGE IS A BIT UNFAIR, BUT WE HAD A GREAT TIME.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO THEY DO FOR FUN?
YOU'RE 19, WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR ONE WITH TIBETAN MONKS?
>> THEY HAVE GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.
ONE NIGHT IT WAS PASSING THROUGH THE LIVING QUARTERS.
THERE WAS A CHARGED ATMOSPHERE.
THEY WERE WATCHING "BRAVE HEART" ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: OL ON TELEVISION?
THEY SAID, SIR, SIR, THE ENGLISH ARE THE CHINESE AND WE
ARE THE SCOTS.
AND I SAID THE BARBARIC MURDEROUS VIOLENCE?
THEY SAID, IT'S OKAY.
THEY SAID, YOU MUST COME, BRING CAMERA!
I SAID, OKAY, A LOT OF THEM DID SPEAK IN VERY BROKEN ENGLISH
DESPITE MY BEST EFFORTS.
THEY DRAGGED ME TO THE BALCONY, TWO DOGS IN THE HEAT OF THE DAY
GOT PRETTY HEATED WITH EACH OTHER AND HAD -- DONE THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: CAN'T DO THAT.
THAT DOESN'T HELP ON CBS.
>> GOT TO REDO IT?
>> Stephen: NO, IT WILL JUST BE BLURRED.
>> OKAY ( PIANO RIFF )
>> Stephen: I CAN TELL YOU THE EXACT MOMENT THAT WILL BE
BLURRED.
>> THERE.
>> Stephen: GONE.
( LAUGHTER ) GONE.
>> MY FINGERS JUST WENT OUT OF FOCUS.
REALLY WEIRD.
>> Stephen: DR. STRANGE, ARE YOU OKAY?
( LAUGHTER ) >> FAIR ENOUGH, CBS.
FAIR ENOUGH.
BUT THIS IS NATURE AND IT HAPPENS OUT THERE.
>> Stephen: SURE.
DOESN'T HAPPEN IN HERE.
>> NO.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS A DOG-FREE ZONE.
>> Stephen: DOGS WERE GOING AT IT.
>> THE PROBLEM IS THEY WERE STUCK.
>> Stephen: OH, THAT'LL HAPPEN.
>> THEY FINISHED BUT BUN WANTED TO GO THAT WAY, AND ONE WANTED
TO GO THAT WAY.
BUT THEY WERE STUCK.
I WAS SLIGHTLY HORRIFIED GOING WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THESE
ANIMALS?
THEY'RE GOING, KODAK MOMENT!
KODAK MOMENT!
, THEN THEY TOOK A PHOTOGRAPH.
THEY THOUGHT IT WAS HYSTERICAL.
>> Stephen: SIMPLE PLEASURES.
YEAH.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: DID YOU DO ANY
PAINFUL PROADMINISTRATIONS OR DEEP MEDITATION?
>> NO, THEY HAVE RIGOROUS ROUTINES, AND BREAKFAST, MORE
STUDY, AND I FIT IN WITH AN ENGLISH LESSON IN THE MORNING
AND GO TO THE SCHOOL FULL OF REFUGEE CHILDREN, I TEACH THEM,
COME BACK, HAVE LUNCH.
HAVE AN AFTERNOON OF PLAYIN PLAY EXERCISE AND FUN AND GET
TOGETHER FOR AN EVENING MEAL.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU BEEN BACK?
>> I HAVEN'T BEEN BACK.
IT HAD A PROFOUND INFLUENCE ON ME.
I LEARNED BY WATCHING THEM.
THE RITUALS WERE VERY DETAILED AND ANCIENT.
AN ENGLISH-SPEAKING LAMA INTRODUCED ME TO A FRIEND AND I
WENT TO A WEEK'S RETREAT WITH THE OTHER TEACHE TEACHERS TO
ORTHOMONESTARIES IN THE AREA.
>> Stephen: IS TIBETAN A LANGUAGE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING INTY BEAN?
( SPEAKING IN TIBETAN ) >> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU JUST
SAY?
>> YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW -- CBS.
( PIANO RIFF ) ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: THE NEW SHOW "PATRICK MELROSE" ON THOUGH
TIME.
HE IS ADDICTED TO DRUGS.
THIS IS THE SECOND CHARACTER I KNOW OF YOU PLAYED ADDICTED TO
DRUGS.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: SHERLOCK WAS AS WELL.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHAT DRAWS YOU TO CHARACTERS WITH ADDICTIVE AND
EXTREME PERSONALITIES?
>> I -- DON'T KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) NO.
I LIKE -- THERE'S A LOT OF REASONS WHY I LIKE ACTING BUT
ONE OF THEM IS TO DO THINGS OUTSIDE OF MY COMFORT ZONE OR
MY -- MY LIFE EXPERIENCE, AND THAT'S CERTAINLY ONE.
I'M THANKFUL TO SAY.
SO IT'S ALSO A PROFOUND JOURNEY OF SALVATION.
IN THIS CASE, THIS CHARACTER SUFFERS MASSIVE TRAUMA IN HIS
CHILDHOOD AT THE HANDS OF HIS FATHER AND HE THEN, IN HIS
20s, WE VISIT HIM FIRST, ACTUALLY, IN THE ORDER OF THE
SERIES IS SLIGHTLY REVERSED FROM THE FIRST TO THE SECOND BOOK.
>> BASED ON A SERIES OF BOOKS?
THE AUTHOR WHOSE OWN LIFE VERY MUCH MIRRORS PATRICK'S IS
AN ALTER EGO AND HE IS BOTH AN EXTRAORDINARY HUMAN BEING FOR
HAVING SURVIVED THAT AND WRITING ABOUT IT IN SOME OF THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL, HEARTBREAKING PROSE, FUNNY AND HELL DESPITE THE
GRAVITY OF SOME OF THE SITUATIONS IN THE STORY.
PROSE YOU WILL READ IN THE 21st CENTURY.
IT'S NOT GOOD.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH THE BOOKS.
PEOPLE I KNOW, RACHEL AND MICHAEL JACKSON, WE MET AND
TALKED ABOUT IT AND I JUST FELL IN LOVE WITH THE PROJECTS AND
GOT ON AND HELPED THEM DEVELOP IT AND HERE WE ARE.
ANTES INCREDIBLE STORY OF HIM AS AN ADDICT IN HIS 20s IN
NEW YORK, BACK TO HIS CHILDHOOD IN THE COURSE OF THE DRAMA, INTO
THE EPISODE YOU SAW A CLIP FROM WHERE HE'S SOBER BUT PURPOSELESS
AND GRADUALLY COMING INTO THE WORLD AS A HUSBAND AND FATHER IN
HIS OWN RIGHT AND ESCAPING THE GRAVITY OF HIS PARENTS AND
BECOMING LITERALLY AND PSYCHOLOGICALLY AN ORPHAN.
>> Stephen: THIS IS THANKFUL NOT YOUR EXPERIENCE, THAT YOU'RE
OUTSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONE.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND YOU HAD -- THIS IS COFFEE AND THIS
IS WATER.
>> TEQUILA.
( LAUGHTER ) I DO THE DONALD TRUMP WAY OF
DRINKING.
( PIANO RIFF ) I THINK MARTIN FREEMAN.
MARTIN OFTEN DRIES HIS CUP OF TEA LIKE THIS.
>> Stephen: REALLY.
YES.
>> Stephen: HE DOESN'T SEEM FEEBLE.
>> YEAH.
HE'S TERRIBLE AT THUMBABLE.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU GOOD AT THUMB WAR?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: THIS ISN'T THUMB WAR, THIS IS INFINITY THUMB WAR.
>> ONE, TWO THREE, FOUR, I DECLARE A THUMB WAR.
NOT ONE, TWO, THREE, I'M A CHEAT TEE HEE.
MY THUMB IS SHAKE, I'M SO NERVOUS.
>> Stephen: READY, ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, I DECLARE A THUMB
WAR.
( LAUGHTER ) >> COLBERT -- COLBERT -- WHAT'S
GOING ON!
HE WINS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I THINK I'VE GOT TO GIVE YOU MY
C.D. NOW.
I THINK THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.
>> Stephen: "PATRICK MELROSE" AIRS SATURDAY ON SHOWTIME!
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMEDIAN MARY GALLAGHER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW"!
MY NEXT GUEST IS A VERY FUNNY COMEDIENNE YOU'VE SEEN OPEN "HOW
I MET YOUR MOTHER," PLEASE WELCOME MARY GALLAGHER!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU.
MY NAME IS MARY, AND THAT WAS THE NUMBER ONE NAME 100 YEARS
AGO.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M ALSO A MOM, SO, AT THE END
OF MY SET, THERE MAY BE SOME SORT OF SNACK.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL SEE HOW YOU DO.
( LAUGHTER ) I WORK AS AN ACTOR, AND I GET
CAST A LOT AS THE GIRL NEXT DOOR TYPE.
THIS ONE GUY IS, LIKE, YOU ARE SO GIRL NEXT DOOR.
YOU'RE SUCH THE GIRL NEXT DOOR.
I'M, LIKE, CHUCK, I'M YOUR NEIGHBOR.
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN YOU MOW THE LAWN, COULD YOU
PUT ON A SHIRT -- OR A BRA?
( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE TWO CHILDREN, MY LITTLE
GIRL IS ADORABLE, HER NAME IS MYIA AND SHE'S NINE.
MY BOY, MY BIG BOY GOES BY THE NAME "HUSBAND," HE'S 42.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OH, THE TERRIBLE 42s!
THEY ARE SO CURIOUS AT THAT AGE!
( LAUGHTER ) SO MANY QUESTIONS.
WHERE'S MY SHOES?
UH, ANYBODY SEEN MY KEYS?
WHEN I GET THE MAIL, DO I HAVE TO WEAR PANTS?
YES, YOU DO.
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, CHUCK?
( LAUGHTER ) MY HUSBAND IS ITALIAN.
HE HAS A HUGE SEX DRIVE.
IT'S 500 GIGABYTES, IT HOLDS ALL HIS PORN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I TOLD HIM.
I SAID, YOU GOTTA BACK THAT THING UP.
( LAUGHTER ) HE SAYS HE'S TRYING TO FIND
HIMSELF.
I'M, LIKE, OH, NO, DON'T FIND THAT GUY.
THAT'S THE GUY WE'RE TRYING TO SHAKE.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT, LADIES, IT DOESN'T EVEN
BOTHER ME BECAUSE RECENTLY A REALLY HANDSOME MAN ASKED ME TO
HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH HIM AND I DIDN'T EXACTLY SAY NO BECAUSE I
COME FROM THE SCHOOL OF IMPROV --
( LAUGHTER ) -- WHERE WE "YES AND"
EVERYTHING.
SO I'M JUST WAITING ON A LOCATION OR A SUGGESTION.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT MY HUSBAND AND I, WE HAVE
JUST THE ONE CHILD, BECAUSE OF THAT LAW IN CHINA.
( LAUGHTER ) HER AND I HAVE SO MUCH FUN
TOGETHER.
WE DO A LOT OF PLAY ACTING, LIKE WE'LL PUT ON A WHOLE PRODUCTION
OF CINDERELLA, AND I'LL HAVE HER MOP ALL THE FLOORS.
( LAUGHTER ) WHILE I TRY ON SHOES.
( LAUGHTER ) AND EVEN THOUGH SHE'S ONLY NINE,
I'M ALREADY PREPARING HER FOR COLLEGE.
LIKE, WHENEVER I GET SICK, I HAVE HER HOLD MY HAIR BACK, IN
CASE SHE WANTS TO JOIN A SORORITY.
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN AFFORD TO SEND MY DAUGHTER TO COLLEGE, BUT
DO I KNOW THAT MCKENNA, HER AMERICAN GIRL DOLL, IS GOING.
( LAUGHTER ) MCKENNA JUST GOT ACCEPTED INTO
DARTMOUTH, FULL SCHOLARSHIP.
MCKENNA SAYS SHE WANTS TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT.
I WAS GOING TO TELL HER, LOOK, YOU'RE NOT REAL YOU DON'T HAVE A
SOUL, YOU CAN'T RUN FOR PRESIDENT.
NOW I THINK SHE MIGHT WIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU GUYS EVER BEEN INSIDE THE
AMERICAN GIRL DOLL STORE BEFORE?
OKAY, WELL, THEN, YOU KNOW THAT, INSIDE THE STORE, THEY HAVE A
HOSPITAL FOR THE DOLLS.
SO IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO YOUR DOLL, YOU TAKE IT THERE, CHECK
IT IN, FIVE DAYS LATER YOU GET YOUR DOLL BACK BRAND NEW.
AMERICA DOES NOT HAVE HEALTHCARE, BUT AMERICAN GIRL
DOLL DOES.
MY FAMILY'S TRYING TO GET ON MCKENNA'S PLAN.
( LAUGHTER ) WHICH IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE
CURRENT PLAN WE'RE ON NOW OVER AT BUILD A BEAR.
( LAUGHTER ) I FEEL LIKE DOCTORS ARE ALWAYS
HITTING ON ME.
DO YOU GUYS FEEL THAT WAY?
LIKE DOCTORS ARE ALWAYS HITTING ON ME?
( LAUGHTER ) I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.
I'M LYING THERE NAKED ON THAT TABLE IN THE ROOM JUST WAITING
FOR THE OPTOMETRIST TO COME IN --
( LAUGHTER ) -- I FELT SO VULNERABLE.
I DON'T THINK I SHOULD HAVE TO SAY TO MY OPTOMETRIST, HEY,
BUDDY, MY EYES ARE UP HERE.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M FROM WISCONSIN, AND NOW I
LIVE IN LOS ANGELES AND MY FRIENDS COME TO VISIT.
I ASK WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WHEN YOU GET OUT HERE?
IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME ANSWER -- OH, WE DON'T WANT TO BE A BOTHER
WE, JUST WANT TO DO WHAT YOU DO.
REALLY?
THEN WE ARE ALL GOING TO WANT TO SIT ON THE SO FA IN MY
UNDERWEAR.
TEMP JOBS FOR EVERYONE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND YOU GUYS, THIS IS NO JOKE,
BOTH MY PARENTS ARE FORMER UNITED STATES MARINES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WILL TELL THEM THAT.
MY PARENTS LOVE THIS COUNTRY, JUST NONE OF THE PEOPLE IN IT.
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN I TALK ABOUT THEM, PEOPLE
THINK I PROBABLY HAD H A PRETTY STRICT UPBRINGING.
BUT I DIDN'T.
I STOOD GUARD DUTY ALL NIGHT JUST LIKE ANY OF YOU DID.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT IT'S TOUGH HAVING A MOM WHO
WAS A MARINE.
RECENTLY SHE ADMITTED TO ME THAT GROWING UP I WAS NOT HER
FAVORITE.
THAT'S ALWAYS HARD, ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE AN ONLY CHILD.
( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYONE.
THANK YOU.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: MARY GALLAGHER,
EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, IT'S THE END OF ANOTHER UNFORGETTABLE WEEK, SO
LET'S HELP ME REMEMBER WHAT I WAS UNFORGETTING.
THIS IS THE BEST OF THIS WEEK'S "THE LATE SHOW."
GIULIANI SAYS HE AND TRUMP ARE IN LOCK STEP ON STRATEGY.
IN FACT, HE SAYS OF HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH TRUMP, WE'RE
ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH.
YES, THEY'RE SO CLOSE IT'S LIKE THEY FINISH EACH OTHER'S PRISON
SENTENCES.
( CHEERING ) ♪
THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT HELD THEY
CAN'T INDICT A SITTING PRESIDENT SINCE THE NIXING ADMINISTRATION
AND THAT WAS REAFFIRMED IN THE CLINTON ADMINISTRATION.
YES, OUR TWO MOST INNOCENT PRESIDENTS.
I AM NOT A CROOK!
AND I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT WOMAN!
HAS NOW BECOME, I AM A CROOK AND I DID HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH
THAT WOMAN AND YOU CAN SUCK IT!
( LAUGHTER ) I'M PARAPHRASING.
>> MOTHER'S DAY, IT'S A SPECIAL OPPORTUNITY TO THANK ALL OF THE
MOTHERS AND GRANDMOTHERS IN OUR LIVES.
>> Stephen: ESPECIALLY THE ONES MICHAEL COHEN PAID TO SHUT
UP.
THANKS, MOM.
LET'S GET TO MORE LYING FROM THE LYING JAKE TAPPER.
>> YOUR TRUMP ACCENT IS GO GOOD.
I HAVE BEEN WATCHING IT EVOLVE SINCE 2015.
IT'S STRONG.
I THINK IT'S STRONG.
>> Stephen: ANOTHER LIE.
( LAUGHTER ) PRESIDENT XI OF CHINA AND I ARE
WORKING TOGETHER TO GIVE MASSIVE CHINESE PHONE COMPANY ZTE A WAY
TO GET BACK INTO BUSINESS FAST.
TOO MANY JOBS IN CHINA LOST.
WHAT?
JOBS IN CHINA?
THAT'S THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF EVERYTHING HE HAS EVER SAID!
WHAT'S NEXT?
SHORT TIES?
( LAUGHTER ) >> I'LL TELL YOU WHO SHOULD NOT
BE ON YOUR SHOW, RYAN REYNOLDS.
( LAUGHTER ) HUGE (BLEEP).
HE'S LIKE THE POOR MAN'S VERSION OF RIIAN REYNOLDS, AND LIKE THE
RICH MAN'S VERSION OF MY MOST RECENT TURD.
>> Stephen: OKAY, I THINK YOU SHOULD GO NOW.
>> YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, JIMMY, I SHOULD GO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>> AAAHHH!
I SOLD MY KIDNEYS FOR NEW YEAR'S THEN I HAD TO DO DIALYSIS FOR
FIVE HOURS!
>> Stephen: MR. CHAPPELLE, THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
>> BAM, BAM, BAM!
THANK YOU MAN.
CHAPPELLE, MAN, BAM!
>> Stephen: TRUMP TOLD IS SENATE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE HE
COULDN'T RECALL SOMETHING 186 TIMES.
SOME PEOPLE AREN'T SO FORGIVING ABOUT MEMORY LAPSES DURING
TESTIMONY LIKE DONALD TRUMP, JR. WHO ONCE TWEETED IF YOU TELL THE
TRUTH YOU DON'T HAVE TO REMEMBER ANYTHING -- MARK TWAIN.
TO WHICH MARK TWAIN RESPONDED, YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL -- MARK
TWAIN.
( LAUGHTER ) ♪
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE
LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY!
JOIN ME NEXT WEEK WHEN I'LL BE JOINED BY ANDREW GARFIELD, ANNE
HATHAWAY, AND JASON BATEMAN.
GOOD NIGHT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
Captioning sponsored by CBS Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org