♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlemazel ♪
♪ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ Give us any chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time, there's no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark, get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne and Shirley is filmed before a studio audience.
( whistle blows)
( indistinct voices)
Oops! Sorry.
Hey, Shirley!
( mutters): Hey, Laverne.
I got some hot gossip for you.
Oh, no. They caught Waldo
licking foam off the racks again?
No, no.
What, Laverne? What?
I found out who that new guy
in the bottle capping department is.
The tall one with the dark hair?
His name happens to be Tad Shotz.
His uncle is the big Shotz... Max.
I know.
How do you know?
He spoke to me.
( gasps)
What for? He says he wants to spend his break time with us.
Says he has something very important to ask us.
I also heard through the grapevine
that his family wants him to learn the business
from the ground up so he can take over for when Max dies.
It's not a warm family.
I need a doughnut.
Uh-oh. Here he comes.
Hi, girls. Uh... doughnut, anyone?
Oh, hi, Tad. Uh... this is Laverne.
Hi, Tad. Hi, Laverne.
MAN: Hey, Shotz!
During the break, your uncle wants you to wash his car.
I only got a minute,
but, uh, my nana's having a dinner party
at the Shotz manor tomorrow evening.
He's got a nana. And a manor.
I was wondering if you two girls would like to attend.
Why us?
Well, you see, my Uncle Max doesn't think
that I relate well to the workers.
Oh, you brought us doughnuts!
Not chocolate.
So, I thought that if I invited a couple of workers
to go to the party, then my nana would talk to my Uncle Max,
and, uh, say what friends I was making with the little people,
and, uh, he'd have me transferred
out of this filthy department.
What a charming invitation.
Thank you.
You got a big mansion, huh?
I'm sorry. I already have a date with Arthur Fonzarelli.
Well, that's all right. You can bring him, too.
Fonzie at a society party?
Here's the invitation.
And, uh, all of the directions are right on it.
You just follow these,
and I'll see you tomorrow night, right?
Yes, right.
Yeah, we can really have lots of fun.
Uh-huh.
You get to gussy up a little bit.
Feel this invitation.
The words have bumps.
"Formal dress."
We ain't got nothing to wear to this,
and we can't afford to buy new clothes.
Don't worry. We'll come up with something.
I got a better idea. Let's not go.
I mean, why should we go up there to represent
the workers... the little people?
We're only helping him out.
This is a chance to help ourselves out.
How?
This is a perfect opportunity
to meet the right kind of people.
Didn't you always want to go inside
one of those big, beautiful homes?
Laverne, the only kind of parties
we've ever been to are bring-your-own.
I like bringing my own.
Then I know what I'm getting.
Why don't you go by yourself?
I can't go by myself.
I'd be too scared to go by myself.
What, scared? You're as good as they are.
We're as good as anybody.
Oh, that's right, Laverne.
So, please go with me. Please, please.
I want to go so bad.
Please. You're my best friend
in the whole world. I'd do it for you.
Please! She gets excited.
Please go with me.
I want to go so bad... All right!
( sighs)
I'll gussy up.
Ah!
( rock and roll intro plays)
♪ I'm walking, yes, indeed, I'm talking... ♪
See? You drove right off the road.
You totaled it.
I couldn't help it.
She blew in my ear.
I don't care what she did...
( both talking at once)
Hey, Laverne and Shirley!
Oh, Lenny, Squiggy.
My, what a surprise.
Hi, fellas. We didn't see you.
Yeah, that's okay.
Bye. Well, see you around.
Hey, listen, if you're not doing anything tomorrow night,
we got the truck... the big one.
Yeah. There's a great make-out picture
playing at the drive-in, The Robe.
No, thank you.
We're going to a formal society dinner.
Whoa, pardon me, ladies.
Yeah. I would've worn my tuxedo,
but my polo pony ate it.
I cannot believe we went through school with those guys.
Where are we going to find two dresses?
I got it! I'll ask Fat Sally, the locker lady.
She sees everybody.
She'll know where we can borrow some dresses.
I don't want to wear Fat Sally's dress.
We could both wear Fat Sally's dress.
Let's ask Lenny and Squiggy.
They know everybody.
Yeah, but everybody avoids them.
It's worth a try, Laverne. Now be nice.
Eh...
Oh, Squiggy? Lenny?
Changed your mind about The Robe?
It's about dresses.
I heard it was a religious picture.
Yeah... Egypt...
( Lenny and Squiggy talking) at once)
Stop it!
Squiggy, you and I,
we've been friends a long time, huh?
So?
Well, Laverne and I are kind of in a little jam,
and we was wondering if you fellas could help us out.
Yeah, I guess I get you.
Sorta.
What we need is for you to help us find some dresses...
Some fancy dresses... You know, like prom dresses?
One size five, one size ten,
that we can wear to this fancy party tonight.
You got to ask everyone we know.
What's in it for us?
A buck.
Naw, we want something we can divide.
Wait a minute. You can divide a buck.
What are you going to do, tear it in half?
( both talking at once)
Stop it!
How about... 50 cents apiece?
Okay, that's a deal.
You'll get your gowns.
Don't worry about it.
I'll get the size five. You get the size ten.
What?! No, I'll get the size ten.
You get the size five. What?!
( both talking at once)
730 Hampton Street.
Right. Thank you. We're all set.
The cab will be here in an hour.
He promised to have us to the Shotz Manor by 8:00,
and Fonzie's meeting us there after work.
Swell. Come on, Laverne, let's fix your hair.
I do not comb, tease or spray until I get my dress.
You'll get your dress.
Everyone we know is out looking for dresses.
Somebody will come through.
Sure, and they're all just holding back
till the last minute to make it more exciting.
Then we can get dressed in the cab.
Laverne, you can drag your feet all you want to,
but I'm going to this party,
and I'm going to meet some nice gentleman.
Oh, like Tad Shotz?
He's a conceited dork.
No, not like Tad.
Some other nice society gentleman.
A society gentleman
would only go out with you for one reason...
To have a good time, a few laughs,
and a little vo-de-o-do-do.
( scoffs)
I don't vo-de-o-do-do.
You vo-de-o-do-do.
I don't vo-de-o-do-do.
You vo-de-o.
Once.
I was going steady a whole year.
I have a spotless reputation.
( blows raspberry)
Ooh! Ooh, I hate it when you make that sound!
You did that on the bus the other day,
and that poor driver pulled over, thinking he had a flat.
Yeah.
You make fun of everything, Laverne.
Okay, say we go to this party, and you meet this wonderful guy.
Do you think he's going to marry you?
Stranger things have been known to happen.
And I can marry anyone I please.
You don't please that many people, Shirl.
Mr. Right will come along.
But he may not come to this neighborhood.
Shirl, we work in a brewery.
We date guys from the Pizza Bowl.
Face it. We found our niche.
But that doesn't necessarily have to be our niche, Laverne.
It's like that song.
There's a niche song?
No, no, that song that Frank Sinatra sings.
You know...
♪ Just what makes that little old ant ♪
♪ Ant ♪
♪ Think he can move that rubber tree plant? ♪
♪ Plant ♪
♪ Anyone knows ♪ ♪ Knows ♪
♪ An ant ♪ ♪ Ant ♪
♪ Can't ♪ ♪ Can't ♪
♪ Move a rubber tree plant ♪ ♪ Plant ♪
♪ But he's got... ♪ What, Laverne?
A hernia!
No!
He's got high hopes, and I've got them, too.
And there is no reason on earth why Prince Charming
cannot walk through our front door.
Hello.
All right, come on down. They're here.
We got your dresses.
Oh! Oh, I knew it. I knew you'd come through!
Yeah, sure.
All right, just one thing, Shirl.
Shirl, we can only rent them to you
on account of my uncle needs them
back at the wax museum by Monday.
Okay, how much to rent?
Well, uh... we had to take them off
of Ann Blyth and Donna Reed.
Not the real ones... The wax dummies.
Mm-hmm.
I got that, Lenny. Oh.
How much, Squiggy?
Well, why don't we say, for you, five...
Hey!
15 dollars.
All right. You got it. It's a deal.
( squealing) Here's ten, here's five.
Now get out of here. We got to try these on.
All right, now remember.
Get them back to me by Monday,
because, uh, nobody likes to look at naked wax.
( soft piano music playing)
Miss Shirley Feeney and Miss Laverne DeFazio.
( whispers): No.
Do we tip this guy?
On the way out.
You'll get it later.
Do you see Tad?
No.
Those two people are staring at us.
They're just admiring our lovely dresses.
Hello.
We're second cousins to the Shotzes.
Oh.
I'm Marshall Stewart of the Palm Beach Stewarts.
My wife, Vivian, formerly Vivian Bruin of the Boston Bruins.
I'm Laverne DeFazio of the Milwaukee DeFazios,
formerly of the Brooklyn DeFazios.
And I'm Shirley Feeney of the Michael J...
VIVIAN: Oh, those are lovely dresses you're wearing.
Thanks. Oh, thank you.
Uh, Marshall,
I'd like to speak to you a moment.
What is it, pumpkin?
What was all that about?
That lady's cruising for a bruising.
SHIRLEY: Oh, stop it...
Uh, here's Nana, everyone.
Ooh, there's Tad.
Hi, Tad. Hi!
Hi, how are you?
Nana, here's the two girls
from the brewery I was telling you about.
Hello. Hi.
My, those are lovely dresses.
Thanks. Oh, why, thank you.
Remind me to tell Max he's overpaying the laborers.
Uh, Laverne, where's your beau...
That Fonzarelli character?
Oh, he had to work late at the garage,
but he said he'd get here in time for the eats.
Oh, that's nice.
Now, why don't you go over and look at the statue of Nana,
because I really must mingle with the real guests.
Look at this!
An indoor statue.
It's the first one I ever saw
of a person still living.
Ooh, look at this chair, Laverne.
Oh, the arms are little lion's paws.
I can't believe it. ( crackling)
Oh, Laverne, you got to sit in this chair.
Really, it's just so nice and so comfortable,
and so pretty... Oh, I'm... what?
What? What?
( shrieks)
Shh!
It's not mine, it's Nana's.
( shrieks)
Shh... From the statue.
The statue? Oh, no, Laverne.
Put it back.
I tried. It won't stick.
Dinner is served.
Did you hear that?
"Dinner is served."
Of course I heard it.
I got three ears, don't I?
Don't look now, but Mr. and Mrs. Snoop-face
are staring at us again.
Let them. We're doing just fine.
I'm sorry, Master Tad.
This gentleman made me say this.
Ladies and gentleman, The Fonz.
Your coat?
That's right. It's my coat.
Are those your pants?
Who is this guy?
Come here, Fonz.
Hey, how you doing, huh?
Oh, don't get up, don't get up.
You're going to spill your food.
Knock yourselves out.
Um, Arthur Fonzarelli,
this is our hostess, Nana Shotz.
Our hostess Nana Shotz, huh?
Life begins at 80, huh, Nana?
Whoa!
SHIRLEY: This is Tad Shotz.
Hey, how you doing, Tad?
How do you do, Arthur?
Oh, listen everybody,
I'm real sorry that I'm late,
but it was my night to close up the garage, dig?
Well, perhaps you'd like to, um,
wash your hands.
No, I washed my hands down at the garage, okay?
Hey, listen, Tad-o, I'd love to use
your john for another reason,
if you receive my drift.
TAD: Yes, certainly.
Certainly, Arthur.
Uh, Gerald, would you show
Mr. Fonzarelli the facilities?
Facilities.
( laughs)
This way, sir.
You're still after my coat, huh?
Don't look now, but Miss Snoop-face
is now staring at our backs.
She's just curious about us.
She's going to grab you, Shirl.
( whimpers)
Let go of her dress.
These are my daughters' dresses.
Ann Blyth and Donna Reed are your daughters?
These are my Allegra and Binky's dresses.
They were stolen from our apartment.
We didn't steal these dresses.
We rented them.
I can't stand this unpleasantness.
Take me to my room, Tad.
If you call the police, tell them no sirens.
It reminds me of the war.
Marshall, I think we should call the police.
Oh, no. Please don't call the police.
( all talking at once)
( clinking glass)
Hold it. Hold it.
I leave the room for a minute,
it looks like you're rumbling here.
MARSHALL: Your friends happen to be
wearing stolen gowns.
They're my daughters'.
Hey, my friends don't steal.
There is a good explanation for this, huh?
Now, come here, girls.
Now, where did you get these dresses?
We rented them.
All right, you hear that?
They rented them. You rented them?
Yeah. Squiggy said he got them from his uncle's wax museum.
Girls, you are in big trouble.
Oh, we didn't know those finks stole them, honest.
Oh, we're very sorry.
Uh, we'll return the dresses.
From behind bars.
Call the police, Marshall.
( talking at once)
Time out! Hold it.
Now, dig this.
Maybe these dresses are hot,
but these girls rented them in good faith.
They are nice girls.
They dressed up because they were excited
about coming to your party.
They dressed up for you.
Now, you got to remember,
they don't have nice clothes like you and me.
So everything is settled here, right?
Tomorrow they're going to return the dresses,
you're going to sit down, and listen,
let's not carry on in front of the help. It don't look good.
Now, just plant yourselves, huh?
Very well. I won't call the police.
There's no point in making an issue.
Thank you, Fonz. Thanks, Fonz.
I'm sure glad you were here.
Try not to get any spots on the stolen dresses.
Don't worry, lady, we'll take them
to the cleaners before we bring them back to you.
Have them dry cleaned, not the Laundromat.
The dresses are ruined.
They'll have a permanent slouch.
It just galls me
to see Allegra and Binky's dresses
on those two... people.
People, huh?
That's it.
I'll show you people.
Come on, Shirl.
You know, lady, I got more class
in my little pinky than you have in your whole thumb.
Follow me.
Our coats, please.
Here's my dress.
Thank Binky or Allegra for me.
I just want to say I came here tonight
because my friend wanted to see the inside
of one of these beautiful houses.
Well, believe me,
they look a lot friendlier from the outside.
We were treated better by the attack dogs.
Young lady, it's impossible
to take you seriously in your slip.
Oh, yeah?
Slip through this, huh?
Where is the other dress?
Pull it out, Shirl!
Sorry, here's your dress.
Well, I never.
It shows, honey.
You're making me wait out here by myself...
I'm sorry.
Come on, Fonz. We're going home.
Yeah, let me just finish my soup, all right?
LAVERNE: Come on, Shirl.
Uh, I'd just like to apologize
for the little misunderstanding,
and say what a pleasure it is to meet you all
and... let's do it again sometime.
My God.
What is it, Marshall?
There's an ear in my cup.
SHIRLEY: Come on, Laverne.
You haven't spoken a word all the way home.
Aren't you going to say anything at all?
I mean, we didn't stay at the party
long enough to meet any nice gentleman,
but we did all right otherwise.
All in all, it wasn't such a bad evening.
What?
What did you just say?
Shirl, it was a bad evening.
The next one will be better.
Shirl, I let you talk me into this whole night, right?
Well, at least learn something from it.
First of all, your hopes are too high.
An ant can't move a rubber tree plant.
And, second of all,
Santa Claus is not going to "Ho, ho, ho"
down our chimney
and give you a gentleman as a present.
Get it? Got it. Good!
Are you finished now?
Are you through shouting at me?
Because, if you are,
I would like to speak for a moment here!
Oh, Laverne, tsk, tsk, tsk.
You are a Gloomy Gus.
Of course you're never going to meet
a high society gentleman.
What's he going to do, walk up to you
and say, "Hello, Laverne.
Care to go to the opera, my dear?"
And you'll go... ( blows raspberry)
I never saw you do that. You do that good.
( laughs):
You see? There you are.
You make fun of everything.
My plans may not always turn out perfect,
but I try to get us to go places, do things,
be somebody, and all you ever do is knock it.
Laverne DeFazio, you are very negative.
You knock everything, you're sarcastic,
and you yell much too loud.
And, if Santa Claus doesn't want to visit here,
it's because he's afraid of you!
Santa's not afraid of me.
I never said I was a saint, Shirl.
I mean, we grew up together.
We went to school together.
We took gym class together.
You get to know a person.
You knew what I was like,
and I never dreamed... I never dreamed
I would hear such words coming out of the girl's mouth
who wrote this in my high school yearbook.
"To Laverne," If in heaven we don't meet,
"hand in hand, we'll bear the heat.
"And if it ever gets too hot,
Pepsi-Cola hits the spot."
Now, that's a beautiful sentiment, Shirl.
Too bad you didn't mean it.
Aw, gee, Laverne.
I meant it.
I'm sorry.
You and I were good friends.
If I want to have my dreams,
you should let me have them.
You shouldn't want to tear them down.
Silly as they may be sometimes.
I dream for you, too.
All right, you have your dreams,
and I'll try not to make fun of them.
But it won't be easy.
Thank you very much.
You're welcome very much.
♪ Just what makes that little old ant ♪
♪ Think he can move that rubber tree plant ♪
♪ Anyone knows an ant can't ♪
♪ Move a rubber tree plant ♪
♪ 'Cause he's got... ♪
What, Laverne?
High hopes.
Louder.
High hopes.
That's right.
♪ He's got high hopes ♪
♪ He's got ♪
BOTH: ♪ High apple pie in the sky hopes ♪
♪ So any time you're feeling low ♪
♪ Instead of letting go ♪
♪ Just remember that ant... ♪
I'm Laverne DeFazio.
I'm Shirley Feeney.
Right. Now them, me and the cake
all go to a bachelor party
on the Laverne & Shirley show.
This is going to be one smutty affair.
Whatever they do, we'll just ignore it.
And who knows?
You may even be pleasantly surprised.
( whooping, cheering)
Dee Dee was the chick
that was going to come out of this cake.
What happened to her?
She broke her arm climbing out of a pie.
Next week on Laverne & Shirley.
( theme music plays)
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark, get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪