落跑新娘
菲莎,快接電話
是我啊,快接電話
我要跟你談談我那個專欄
老是舊調重彈,會悶…
艾基
可以不再每天清早把我吵醒嗎?
你的專欄不再令我打瞌睡就可以
你真會說笑
菲莎,你真的不在嗎?
好,給我回電吧
我想寫一篇關於汽車的專欄
未坐過汽車的人會有什麼感受?
別胡說了
未坐過汽車的人我倒從未見過
我只是想聽取一些意見
1個鐘頭27分52秒就要交稿
你幾時才在專欄寫我啊?
等你賣的T恤不再縮水啦
縮水?
說得妙
他說笑而已
來,五塊錢吧
兩塊錢
各位,我的T恤很精美
看啊…
“我肯跟大家好,下一個輪到你”
你明天的專欄談什麼?
我還未知道 我要等到最後一分鐘才行事的
截稿前一個小時我還未有題材
那你專欄的題材是來自生活片段
例如在酒吧向女人搭訕
批評她只會擲飛鏢
在她沉思時故意觸怒她
或者看看能否搭上她
我未有題材前連你也不想搭上
你倒很口甜舌滑
不,你搞不清楚了
我搞得很清楚
我不肯讓你搭上我
會令你在專欄裡大肆抨擊女性
抨擊女性的文章嘛
我是很少寫的
其實我也懂得寫
只是在思路不通暢時才抨擊吧?
一分鐘先生,幸會了
是最後一分鐘,別混淆啊
隨你怎樣說吧
你樣貌一流,但泡妞九流
一定是你前妻打來的
更糟的我都見過
艾基不在這裡
我剛說,更糟的我都見過
你說什麼?
拂袖而去
我親眼見過離開時更凶的樣子
至少她只是私下斥責你
連你都聽到就不算私下斥責了
有紙巾嗎?
用來抹嘴抑或寫搞?
遲些才讓你知吧
女人敢愛敢恨
女人忽冷忽熱
情緒有起有落
說得真妙
可是我還得趕寫專欄
你總得找個妙絕人寰的題材才行
可以寫一寫我家鄉的一個少女
我們不需要什麼題材的
她在教堂行婚禮的聖壇丟棄新郎
所以大家稱她為“逃跑新娘”
她做這種怪事做七、八次了
轉身、跑掉,逃之夭夭
在教堂的通道拔足狂奔
連老太婆也碰跌
好像西班牙那些狂沖的牛一樣
但等著受害的男士還在排隊等她
然後她又逐個拋棄,故技重施
好啦,小貓兒,我開工了
今天是自我反省的日子
有人指控我利用這個專欄
向異性直接作出猛烈的抨擊
這種指責令我很不舒服
痛自反省了至少十五分鐘
結論是我承認
我一直都在利用女性
但怎可以怪責我呢
每次我踏足戶外時
都會見到女士朝氣勃勃神采飛揚
母親啦,處女啦
青樓妓女啦,醜老太婆啦
她們在地鐵用手肘撞你
她們在電梯用香水薰你
公平點說,女性也有清麗溫純的
我願在聖殿上增添一些新女神
我會增添一些啦啦隊隊員
加上俏佳人,雌老虎
最後提到的悍婦正是今天要談的
在古希臘
這位可怕的女性就是依理逆司
是三位復仇女神的總稱
在印度,她名叫卡莉
是印度教毀滅主神濕婆的女助手
而女神能用陰道吞噬他那話兒
這一點不提也罷了
在印尼,這種悍婦名叫靈馬
這些國家都是沒有有線電視的
在馬里蘭州
她在經營家庭式硬體店呢!
她名叫卡美姬
綽號是“逃跑新娘”
這位卡小姐異乎常人之處就是…
先把她的男友裝扮成新郎
才把他們吞掉
古董式水龍頭刻上一個“熱”字
保證適合任何鋼鐵造的浴缸
長四寸
可嵌在二、三十年代製造的浴缸
柏士頓先生
你不必再跟太太起爭執了
感謝天主,那太好了
我給你掛帳吧
美姬可能還未看到這個專欄
或許她連報紙也沒時間看
不會吧
你用不著安裝冷氣機
你用電風扇就行了
怎麼啦?
美姬,你看過這篇專欄了嗎?
我看過了
這篇是最粗鄙最狂妄的狗屁文章
從未有人敢這樣戲弄本姑娘的
你們兩個啊
你們在哪裡造一份假報紙作弄我
你們兩個真是詭計多端
我不該請你倆參加我的婚禮
我們並非造一份假報紙開你玩笑
老天
快拿袋來
她快要暈倒了
袋子在這兒
呼吸吧
馬里蘭州的人還在議論紛紛
談論那篇描寫卡美姬的專欄文章
專欄名作家甘艾基
勾勒出美姬做新娘時所做過的事
還把她稱為…
編輯雅鑒：
鄉村弱女有事討教
臺端諒必以為鄉間教育
只會飼養豬只,修理破車
斷無知書識墨之人
否則何以對小女子造謠生非
尚一口咬定千真萬確?
小妹揣測甘艾基先生千頭萬緒
捏造小妹以拋棄男人為樂事
而不肯多方求證方才下筆
既然悍婦在逃,誰願多方求證
此事亦可理解也!
今天一起吃午餐好嗎?
我要去銀行
真的
艾基,對不起
我會替你美言幾句
不了,不要提起我的名字啊
原來甘先生之編輯乃女士也
吾輩悍婦亦應群策群力矣!
我想敬告大城市的居民
我想到作出重大犧牲以嘗宿願
就是刪除甘艾基所寫的專欄
卡美姬敬上
再啟：
隨函列上尊稿舛誤之處
共有十五處
真有趣,我很喜歡她
她有種
這就是舛誤清算了
我們的律師說她可以採取行動
你沒有回我的電話
我們婚後我從不回你的電話
菲莎幹嘛會在這裡?
雅莉叫我來,在精神上給予支持
雅莉幾時要靠精神上的支持啊?
是在精神上支持你呀!
你說什麼?
新聞行業第一條守則
凡捏造事件者必遭革職
第二條守則
切勿為前度配偶工作
與那件事無關
你捏造這篇報導!
我並非捏造的,資料是有來源的
來自酒吧的醉酒鬼吧?
古語有雲：酒後吐真言
別攻擊酒吧裡的醉漢了
至少他們不會醉酒駕駛
況且嘛…
我是個專欄作家
專欄作家是這樣寫稿的嘛
你一向喜歡我這樣寫法
我們力求創新,突破常規
甘冒危險
這種寫作態度令我自得其樂
是會令你打爛飯碗!
讓我受一下輕微的處罰吧
輕微地打我的手腕吧,來啊
打我的手腕,功過相抵了
覺得我受夠懲罰就打電話給我吧
我們可以捲土重來
你這次是永不超生了,艾基!
如果你肯悄然引退
我還可以按年資給你遣散費
我很抱歉
親愛的?
我在廚房
“帖著牆歡好,情趣更加高”
她把他開除了
她開除了他啦
你說什麼啊?
聽著
先試一試
我讀給你聽
你過來吧
準備聽吧,“美姬女士雅鑒”
“是次錯誤報導,謹致由衷歉意”
“甘艾基之專欄將被本報刪除”
“敬祝婚姻幸福無比”
你會在喜瑪拉雅山背負著它
如果覺得太重就告訴我
我可以調整一下
是重了點
請留下口訊
若想傳真過來
先買一具傳真機給我吧
艾基?我是菲莎啊
我可把逃跑新娘的報導逆轉乾坤
我正在運用報館的傳遞帶印照片
我要挽救你的事業,請來見我
我幫紳士哥利打散工
可以想出妙計扭轉乾坤
證明你無辜
想嗎?
證明你的報導雖然並非全部屬實
但你的理論卻是正確的
卡小姐的真人真事
全部細節都是駭人聽聞的
她如果再逃跑的話
你的報導就可以刊登在封面了!
“歡迎光臨馬里蘭的小鎮”
“硬體店”
“我去恤發,很快回來,美姬留字”
你的房間在樓上轉左
餐廳幾點鐘打烊?
每晚開到八點半
那麼晚還開?
仙迪,可以把狗兒趕走嗎?
它在舔我放進去的滑液呢!
對不起
它上狗學院也被趕出校
坐下
謝謝各位
我們週末在酒店再見吧
“卷髮兼染髮”
你真棒,你真棒
我這次有機會平反了
我只不過加一點溶液進去而已
住嘴
你這種講法會令我有性衝動的
別討好我了
請問一下
嗨,我是來找卡美姬的
硬體店門前有一張字條
你是記者嗎?
什麼?
根據我過往的經驗
能穿這種平底船鞋來這裡的
都是想訪問美姬的大都市記者
關於…她未來婚禮的事
知道她把那紐約專欄作家弄走吧
我剛巧的確是個記者
請問你是誰呢?
碧姬
但並非那個六十年代的溜冰冠軍
進來吧
這些漂亮的女士是什麼人呢!
我叫仙迪,是美姬的未嫁表妹
我是畢太,和美姬沒有親戚關係
閣下呢?
我是來找美姬的
美姬,有人找你
記者?
我希望你會用一個新角度來寫
因為其他的一切都報導過了
來訪問美姬的都要先剪髮
對不起,剛剪了
先生,對不起
我有真的提供給你
好哇,彭太
這是她第四個婚禮,不是第七個
我知道
你認為她這次真的結婚嗎?
我不清楚
她不小心,把香口膠吞了
報紙攤那個史好賭先生是週邊佬
他用一賠八的盤口賭她不會嫁
剪髮之外,幫你洗頭好嗎?
把你那些都市污垢也洗掉嘛
你肯回答我的問題嗎?
好吧
你洗頭時我發問
你想知道什麼呢?
你幾時行婚禮?
下個星期日
讓我先鋪好這塊洗頭布
這種發劑的氣味比較濃
因為我們怕你睡著
你緊張嗎?
不,我肯定可以順利完成
只不過…
我最近發了一些怪夢
把那些怪夢告訴我吧
好哇
在另一個夢裡…
彼得,我馬上來幫你修發
我進入教堂,所有人都到齊了
我垂下頭看看我的禮服
竟然是紅色的
我不知還意味著什麼
我根本不喜歡紅色
你覺得怎樣?
我覺得你穿紅色會很嬌豔
她是問你覺得你的頭髮怎樣
請把外衣拿給我吧
還有什麼地方可以洗頭的
要洗得很用力那種
去榆樹街那間醫生開的藥房吧
說是彼得介紹你去的就行了
你需要戴上我的帽子嗎?
不必了
你可能也要戴著帽子出去
你想找的榆樹街就在那邊
你若是來揭我瘡疤而想自得其樂
那你回家去吧
你不會使我感到難堪的
我並不是想令你難堪
我來這裡是要證明我並非亂寫
在我的心底裡
我覺得我這樣寫你是對的
你害我被革職
破壞了我的聲譽
還把我的頭髮弄到一團糟
你喜歡把男人玩弄于股掌之上
你已經作弄了三個
你對第四個傻瓜也會故技重施
你會又再跑掉
你未跑掉前我是不會離開這裡的
我也想聊天,但我有工作要做!
小朋友,等一下
我想用十塊錢買你的帽子
好極了
真是拍照的好機會
我見到只有一隻狗時就知道醉了
你們一定猜不到
今天哪只垂頭嗒尾的狗來了小鎮
哪只?
您好,美姬
我是來向你的家人致歉的
我犯了錯就一定會負荊請罪
我捏造了一個故事
我犯下了大錯
那就證明他是一個人啦
他還帶了美酒來嘛
你的家人要我戴上帽子
他把狗兒嚇到屁滾尿流
你們一定是說笑了
不,狗兒嚇得這樣子吠啊
不見得好笑吧
我一直感到賓至如歸
華達把你三度逃婚的事告訴了我
我告訴你們
我要把這樽酒拿到廚房去
我幫你把酒拿入廚房吧
看看那些蟹煮好了沒有,波比
他留下來吃晚飯?
我不知道啊
希望他們不會發生爭執
把婚禮也取消吧
結婚蛋糕可以放進冰箱等下一次
令千金真是個…
對不起
不要緊,沒關係
她真是個可愛的少女
很像她的媽媽,你看
願她的靈魂得到安息
美姬在學校時就令我們引以為榮
她拿到美國軍團獎學金上大學
主修工業產品設計
可惜看不到她拋棄新郎的情景
看得到的
她全都錄影下來了
有錄影帶?
全家的錄影帶都在那邊
連婚禮的錄影帶也有?
酒店的老李是專錄影婚禮的
美姬也想不到要跑一百碼衝刺
老實說,她還蠻能跑的
找到了
美姬逃跑的笑話
在本鎮未必留傳得最長久
但倒也算最快
真幽默
美姬的母親和我一直想多生幾個
可惜只得一顆掌上明珠
好哇,爸爸,不要講漏任何細節啊
開心的是…
這麼多婚禮都由我支付
這次不用了
這次的婚禮由我支付
那倒很公平喲
隨便你怎樣想
我並非蓄意逃跑的
而且我也不會再溜掉了
對了,美姬
你這次看准來球了
我用的是棒球術語
波比是中學的體育組總監
教過足球隊
也爬過喜瑪拉雅山
喜瑪拉雅山?
攀登過兩次了!
真的?
連氧氣筒也不必帶
我女朋友老是喜歡吹捧我
美姬受過洞房之夜的訓練
我們打算爬上黃山頂峰渡蜜月
真浪漫
我們也認為是
可惜帶著兩個嚮導和一隻牛上去
會破壞浪漫氣氛
艾基,事情進行得怎樣?
說出來你也未必相信
我拿到她三次在婚禮逃跑的影帶
我叫紀朗,也是今日的新郎 我的新娘已到,令我感到自豪
有她在我身旁,我不會心慌慌
我心愛的嬌娥,獻給你一首歌
你想知道真相嗎?
你想知道事實嗎?
全都在我手裡了
我會把筆記寄給你
週末那天閱讀,保證樂在其中
代我問候你老婆雅莉吧,再見
好啦,牧師
給我們證婚吧
美姬,你去哪裡?
森姆
上車
那個婚禮怎麼樣?
比預期中還短!
好啦,後會有期
“與羅白仁的婚禮”
她去哪兒?
她又要跑了
她忘了拿銀包
不,她沒忘
快去追她,想想辦法
天啊!
“與史佐治的婚禮”
各位貴賓,我們今天共聚一堂…
把馬兒拉著好嗎?
美姬,那匹馬有什麼不妥啊?
馬兒比美姬更加緊張
“希爾硬體商店”
我喜歡那件白色的晚禮服
很不錯,可惜他的皮膚太白了
那我們就用傳統的吧
他很英俊
對波比來說是稍微黑了一點
他倒有波比的炯炯眼神
不,不
波比的雙眼長得比較帖一些
您好
嗨,可以來兩杯咖啡嗎?
什麼東西那麼香呢?
哦,原來是肉桂春捲
可以給我兩件嗎?謝謝
我認為這具把你烘托得最美了
我們看一看吧
看啊
對不起
噢,你看,糟了
救命啊,救命啊
對了…那一具就是她
你一定是甘先生了
在下正是,未請教…?
杜比提
我猜結婚蛋糕是你造的
是啊
我還聽說要替美姬搞…搞…
搞一個夏威夷式宴會
是個婚前的夏威夷式宴會
如果你還在鎮裡,歡迎你參加
他不想參加的
我好想啊
我一定來的
你打算一直跟蹤著我嗎?
不
幸會,比提
再見,甘先生
他不是個好人
我知道
我揀這一對
新郎的眼神很完美
加油,加油,我們不能落後
我們是彗星隊,幾大都要威水
彗星,彗星,一定要勝!
加油,加油,彗星隊一流
嗨,卡小姐
美姬,不要嫁給教練啊
嫁我吧,我愛你
跟你有性關係會惹官非的,滾吧
快些走吧
用全力去推呀
用臀部的力,彎低一些
大家都做得很好
好,正選球員準備
唏,心肝兒,你好嗎?
很好
他又在搞什麼鬼?
艾基來看看球員
是來跟你聊聊吧
你跟他交朋友?
我剛剛還吹捧你呢
還說自己是最幸福的人
你真會逗我
我得走啦
今天還有很多工作要做
遲些再見你們這對情海鴛鴦
在婚禮見吧
謝謝你送的球衣
你請他來參加婚禮?
彗星,彗星,全力取勝
他又會在另一篇專欄寫我了
可是你這次不會跑掉嘛
擁抱我吧
讓我看看你那陽光似的微笑
孩子們!
推我的公主去兜兜風吧
賜福給我吧,神父
我有罪呀!
我最後一次懺悔是在…
不算也罷了
我有個難以解決的問題
我一直有個很糟的想法
真的很糟
是屬於不潔的性質嗎!
不,不
我想毀掉某個人的人生
毀掉他的事業,毀掉他的一切
我要以牙還牙!
那在罪行的衡量而言有多糟呢?
我可否大叫聖母瑪利亞來贖罪?
我的孩子啊,任何的罪都是…
我叫做美姬
十年前你狂吻濕吻熱吻我
可以別叫我做孩子了,白仁
美姬,別生氣嘛
白仁,跟我聊聊啊
白仁,我要好好跟你一談
你並非天主教徒
很抱歉
我給那個臭記者氣得肺也要爆了
我要告訴你他可能會來這裡
向你發問很多無聊的問題
他只來問過一條無聊的問題而已
其他的都不算太無聊
什麼?你跟他談過話了?
你告訴過他
你未做神父前曾經和我拍拖?
當然啦,只是為你著想嘛
他究竟問過什麼?
神父,我是否來得太遲了?
不
不會太花時間,只是兩宗小罪
他問的問題很得體
例如你喜歡什麼音樂?
我們有什麼共同喜好?
你跑掉時有沒有毀掉了我一生?
你怎樣回答?
我說婚姻大事既然是神的安排
我又怎可以生氣呢?
你答得很好,謝謝
其實,我說的是真正的感受
當然啦
老天爺,說得對
我不應在教堂說“老天爺”
對不起
我得走了
我知那瘋子下一步會怎樣做
上帝保佑你
銀包
我忘記了帶銀包
嗨,對不起,要拿銀包
祝你好運
他問過一個什麼無聊的問題?
他問你喜歡吃怎麼樣煮的蛋
古古怪怪
事隔多年你又怎會記得呢?
你喜歡吃炒蛋,加鹽加胡椒粉
口味和我一樣
我當年傷害了你,感到很抱歉
美姬,我在這裡很開心
我是應該住在教堂的
但如果你決定做天主教教徒
別再找我了
請向柏德烈神父告解吧
一定
“紀朗車房”
紀朗?李滴雅?
美姬
那盒錄影帶,還記得嗎?
還記得無線電城音樂廳那一次嗎
我要求上臺和謝利一起唱歌
紀朗,聽我講
你一定記得
留心聽我講
有個記者搞到我失魂落魄
無論如何也不要讓他看到
我在三藩市音樂廳那幀照片
好嗎…
什麼聲音?
三藩市?
我們去過多次了
照片倒拍了很多
你指哪一張?因為…
萬萬料不到
卡美姬竟在音樂會穿無上裝
我明白那一晚非常寒冷
這幅相最奇妙的地方
是我聽說過你背上紋上玫瑰
但在照片上卻看不到
對啊
艾基跟我賭五十元說你根本沒有
我說：老兄,就跟你賭吧
美姬很喜歡那朵紋身玫瑰
跟你坦白說,我很需要那五十元
美姬
我不會讓你們看的
我就快做新娘了
把那張照片還給我吧
我都想還給你
但先讓我們看看你背上的玫瑰吧
那我也會很樂意原璧歸趙
好,好,好哇
行了吧?
滿意啦?
完全滿意了
你把那紋出來的玫瑰刮掉了
我跟你賭多一倍,你有機會追平
那朵玫瑰其實是帖上去的
其實我真的…
真的…
很怕被針刺穿皮膚
那也不見得我是個壞女孩吧
你看
看啊,看啊
我覺得這位仁兄的心破碎了
不,不會的
我想我的確是
不,你不會的
你還有結他,還有李滴雅這女友
我們遲一些才談
唏,艾基
謝利怎麼樣呀?
他依然彈結他,謝利依然彈結他
艾基在那邊
他和鎮長、警長在一起
他倒很擅長交朋友
他很棒喲
好球
他就是那個記者,是嗎?
他又來了
好一頭跟尾狗
總有一天我會娶到美姬的
真的?
他很有魅力
那個邪牌記者會有魅力?
你認為邪牌就是魅力?
不,我不是這個意思…
噢,他走過來了
不,不要走開,不要走開
表現得自然些
他可能會看嘴型,知我們說什麼
值得擊掌讚賞
表演得很好
我來處理吧
嘴唇不要動
我來應付大局
我會一言不發
做得好,高利
唏,費碧姬
我不是叫那個溜冰冠軍啊
那是美姬的坐位呀
這也是她的啤酒吧
唏,親愛的
那就是你老公吧?
他叫費高利
是本地的電臺播音員,是嗎?
是啊
你聽過他主持的電臺節目了吧?
還未聽過
現在上場的是大西洋酒店的老李
我丈夫念中學時已是明星球隊的
他一定令你感到自豪了
我當年還未認識他
那段時間他一直跟美姬有約會
我的意思是…
他們倆連訂婚都沒有
我的意思是
他有時叫美姬做多嘴鳥
嫌她老是嘰嘰喳喳
我幹嗎都告訴了你呢?
不要緊,你說得很好哇
他上壘了!
打得好!
安全返壘
多嘴鳥
打得真好!
他們依然是朋友倒也是件好事
是啊,我的意思是…
只是當年一段情而已,只不過…
恕我失陪
你沒事吧?
你坐在這裡三分鐘了
你把她怎樣了?
你應該“指”責自己才對
你說什麼?
你大叫：高利,高利
肚撞肚,手拍手
這算是什麼行為啊?
我們一直都是好朋友
那種關係你顯然不能體會
不能體會的倒不只我一個人
你這樣做倒不計較後果
失陪了
搞屎棍!
高利交給老李,老李交給丁醫生
好球
我這也算是喝采了,也算不錯啦
碧姬,早安
早安
你認為我跟你老公打情罵俏嗎?
也跟你說一句早安吧
你很累,但樣子還不錯
謝謝你
你認為我跟你老公打情罵俏嗎?
是的
我並非存心的
我知道
我認為你有時亂拋媚眼
把有毛的男人都弄得神魂顛倒
有毛的男人都會?
無毛的男人就不會了嗎?
那種男人比較軟弱無能嘛
我今天要自殺了
為什麼?
你以為我什麼男人都想勾搭
我不是這個意思
我是認為你會這樣想：
“我充滿魅力,有神秘感”
會莫名其妙地高叫：
“你這雄赳赳的男人快來保護我”
很難跟你爭男人的
尤其是結了婚失去神秘感的女人
失去?你很有神秘的魅力嘛
不,我是古怪
而古古怪怪與神神秘秘
是不可以混為一談的
我才古怪
不,你是古惑
古惑與古怪,也不可以混為一談
碧姬,我覺得這次很明顯
是我受到很大的冤屈!
但是…
其實我還是很疼愛你
我答應以後不跟高利打情罵俏
我並非擔心你和高利
也不是擔心我和高利
也不是想你蒙受冤屈
其實你自幼就是這個樣子
我認為你既然都知道自己的事
也知道你會令別人難受
你不如專心對一個男人吧
例如波比,如果你喜歡他的話
我明白你的意思
有什麼我可以向你補償的嗎?
你做過一件…
令我心扉溫暖的事
就是扮鴨嘴獸
在露營時扮才好玩的
現在就扮吧
要下雨時把我的腿當作營幕的柱
這樣才會好笑的
快做給我看看吧
要我扮鴨,真丟臉嘛
謝謝你
謝謝你了
喂,快醒來
把那記者的房門匙給我
我要偵查一下
在二樓
別偷太大件的
“米露士主唱”
我會聽他喜歡的歌星唱什麼
我認為她經常走佬
是因為她得到負面的注意力
這也算是引起注意啊
例如因為你的專欄
有個女人通街摑你幾巴掌
對,的確會有痛苦
我們在談她不是在談我
“怎會有那麼多男人向她求婚?”
“她並不漂亮嘛!”
你去死啦,專欄寫稿佬!
晚上把鞋放出門外
明天早上鞋子會閃閃發光
有時會連鞋子也不見了
那又何必冒險呢!
晚安吧
我知道你在裡面
我見到啦
你犯了美國憲法第一條規例了
聽我的話,開門吧
快些
我們該好好暢談一番
談談你怎會那麼令人討厭
快開門
好啦,我要進來了
這是你最後一個機會
我撞門啦!
好吧!
非法竄入是一項重罪
我要通知警長了
你通知他吧
提醒他攜酒去參加夏威夷宴會
省得我打電話給他,謝謝
你那個朋友美姬有妹妹嗎?
你下星期就可以追求美姬啦
“毫無悔意”
不准動,蓋好被
我不是來看你那話兒的
我肯定旅館的管理人很崇拜你
你的筆記令我讀得很感趣味
你究竟想說什麼呢?
你又再完全誤解了
你這樣做不能挽回聲譽
對我也沒有好處
所以我決定幫你寫出真相
真的?
我決定採取合作態度
收你一千大元讓你訪問我
我要婚禮大陣仗,禮服殺死人
收你一千大元
我就回答你的問題讓你跟隨著我
我那家雜誌社不付錢買資料的
認為是不合專業操守
我是說由你掏腰包
你可能收了解雇金或其他費用啦
是我猜想而已
你何必靠寫產品說明書養活自己
不如寫第一手訪問更能掙錢啦
你太過獅子大開口了
七百五十塊吧
五舊啦
六百五十元
好,殺你
你這算是開玩笑嗎?
我知道你吹的是哪一首歌
這是送給我姪女的生日禮物
很巧妙
別出心裁
你倒可以創出種種不同的用途
燈樹
很棒喲
這是你的商標嗎?
大概是吧
都很精彩
你大可以在紐約賣這些燈
也許總有一天我會的
你害怕試一試嗎?
不,我並不是害怕,只不過
總會有一天我會
這枚是白仁送的
噢,現在是白仁神父了
這枚就是紀朗送的
紀朗,對了
佐治送的
他在養蝶場向我求婚
戒指用卵囊包住
手法太像沉默的羔羊,我吃不消
佐治是昆蟲專家
這一枚才與眾不同
最後是波比送的了
他在棒球大賽第七局時向我求婚
別,讓我猜一猜
當時計分牌閃出這六個字
“美姬,嫁給我吧!”
真是我畢生最奇妙的一刻
我早知道了,事有可疑
你說什麼?這種手法浪漫得很
可能只有我才覺得事有可疑
如果要用到這種手段
那就欠缺誠意了
我認為頂多只能這樣子坦白說
“我肯定將來會有不如意的時候”
“我肯定我倆其中一個想分手”
“但我肯定如果不向你求婚”
“我會遺憾終生!”
“因為我很清楚在我心坎裡”
“只有你的存在!”
我喜歡你這種求婚講法
我還是喜歡計分牌閃出來的字句
你當年求婚時就是這種樣說嗎?
別大驚小怪嘛
誰都看得出你是離過婚的人啦
我一直很努力
你是這樣子對她說?
不,我當年口才非常好,我是說：
“也許…”
“你和我都應該,你明白啦…”
“你覺得怎樣?說呀!”
這樣講才浪漫嘛
你用這種求婚方法
竟然也不能白頭偕老?
出了什麼岔子啊?
我不曉得
你不曉得?
不曉得
試問問她吧,你有這樣想過嗎?
自此我一直都沒有結婚了
我該有一件漂亮的結婚禮服的
韋太?
你跑去哪兒呀?
嗨,寶莉
嗨,美姬
她只是一見你就害怕
你在教堂逃跑時把小男孩拖倒了
拖倒?不,我沒有
他是踩著自己的鞋帶才摔倒的
你是來拿禮服吧,我去拿
其實嘛,韋太
我已經決定了
我要這件
你訂了的那件才別致嘛
我知,但我改變了主意啦
這件要一千塊錢的
我有一千塊錢啊!
你訂的那件是三百塊罷了
櫥窗那件有減價嗎?
你穿那件禮服未免花太多錢了
反正你只穿十分鐘
你倒說得對
那一件很漂亮
威太!
我叫韋太
我可以跟你談一談嗎?
我不知道是什麼回事
你是在這裡賣結婚禮服的,是嗎
我在這裡三十年了
好極了
因為卡小姐是來這裡買禮服
不是隨便買一件,是要那件
要一千塊錢嘛
你聽清楚
我一向不擅詞令
我們試用“影像聯想法”
我倆現在來買禮服
我們將會買這一件
是她的啦?對吧?
明白了嗎?
你認為怎樣?
你看起來…
蠻不錯
蠻不錯?
你搞到報紙也掉轉來看
不只“蠻不錯”了吧
向我表示傾慕吧
幻想我在教堂時的豔光四射
我會把秀髮向上梳
後面配襯小裝飾物
加上我這套嬌豔的禮服
像拖著銀鈴似的款擺生姿
鈴,鈴
叮!
果然為你花添錦上
波比一定樂死了
波比?噢,對了
我們要去見波比呀!
我會參加夏威夷宴會的
畢文太太
我們準備叫東西了
我們沒有定食…
沒關係
我要時菜奄列,另外只加蛋白
我都是
嫁雞隨雞
我連叫蛋白也要給你取笑嗎?
別爭執了
你喉嚨發出什麼聲音啊?
喝些水吧
算是貓兒玩絨球的聲音嗎?
別再互相挖苦了
美姬的人品是沒話講了
但她太專注於對外
她需要專注對內了
所以她過去有這麼多問題存在
我正在設法改造她了
專注于美姬,專注于美姬
專注于波比,專注於波比
我和美姬一直學“影像聯想法”
所有的心理醫生都用這一招：
用影像聯想龍門的底線
聯想打高爾夫球時一擊入洞
你在教堂時會使勁地扔花球嗎?
唉!我得走了
記者的工作永遠都做不完
再見
我會專注於你叫的蛋了
你來了,我真高興
我樂意解釋一下
三度上教堂都沒有說一句：我願意
其中是有原因的
我積存了數不清的結婚蛋糕
我沒有變成大肥婆已算奇跡了
她父親買了的酒已沒有人喝啦
他滿不在乎…自己喝嘛!
你祖母告訴我你在教堂走佬的事
是啊
妮妲,掩住耳朵
她怕的並不是婚禮而是洞房之夜
純良少女都害怕男人那條單眼蛇
當年我以處女之身做新娘
上床時還握著那根織毛衣的針
我剛剛享受過那條單眼蛇了
噢,一言驚醒夢中人
我告訴你喲
那次洞房之夜你祖父永遠都難忘
妮妲,不用再掩耳了!
茶都快變凍了
不好意思
我可以單獨與你一談嗎?
再見,妮妲
婆婆,謝謝你款待
“憂鬱歌王大衛斯” 我找到的,有趣嗎?
是大衛斯
我剛才清理閣樓時找到的
這種唱片很難買到了
你好好珍藏啊
你拿去吧
拿吧
你查出了我喜歡什麼音樂
找到一張罕有的唱片送給我
你是想奉承巴結我嗎?
我剛才閣樓拍灰塵
不是存心拍你馬屁
這次又有難了!
我是唱片騎師高利
明早我會介紹丹尼與尼普的音樂
怎會這樣的
跟我來
站直吧
大塊頭,咱們走
你考到駕駛執照後我就沒樂趣了
我也沒趣嘛
站穩些
你好,屎眼
爹,他的名字是史簡
我替他改了名字
小心走路
我很快就回來
那傢伙醉得糊裡糊塗
別跌下來
你靠好
我推你坐好
乖女讓老爹躺下來了
喂,華達,把頭部放好
請不要把他寫在你的專欄裡…
我絕不會這樣做的
老是要扶他,煩死我了
就讓他睡在車子裡吧
陪我去兜兜風,遲些才帶他回家
我媽死後他就越喝越多了
所以你放棄念大學回家裡來?
是啊!要替我打理店鋪嘛
我父親做一點小生意
他希望我成為古典音樂家
我母親要我成為小說家
結果兩大皆空
還想聽嗎?
結果我當了記者
算不上是個小說家
可是我們誰都知道
新聞是匆匆下筆的文學
什麼回事?
你入了什麼油?柴油?
我拿起最近車子的油泵
我不知是什麼油…
這輛車子要用無鉛汽油
濾油缸塞住了
你懂得修理嗎?
我需要一些工具才行
噢,老天!
這裡四野無人
對,真妙!
我們紐約客只懂得揮手叫的士
沒有的士就只得走路
如果省下一些電力…
下邊還有個地方可去
我們鄉下妹懂得抄捷徑,會快些
小心蛇呀!
你說什麼?
蛇呀!
我很討厭蛇的
行得斯文些,蛇就不會來咬你
快些吧
你幹嘛,跳蛇舞?
我是把蛇嚇走嘛
你是嚇到了我
我連自己也嚇怕了
是不是每個人都會有個合意的人
不一定
人總是把魅力誤解為合意
魅力這兩個字很容易被誤解
的確是啊
沒什麼特別意思的
意思只是…
我突然連怎樣爬籬笆也忘記了
工具
工具,對了
龍利,你有工具嗎?
美姬,你又在婚禮走佬嗎?
你在這一帶真是名聞遐邇
菲莎,稿快寫好了
內容精彩,峰迴路轉
還須在紐約多做一次訪問
再見
你本可告訴我你就是第三位新郎
讓你寫在報紙上嗎?
那件事令我畢生受辱
美姬認識我時
我到處遨遊研究蝗蟲的棲移習慣
你認為她幹嘛會走佬呢?
你講過啦,專吃男人嘛
擇人而噬的死亡女神,對嗎?
我認為這都不是她走佬的原因
那她幹嘛要走佬呢?
我不知道,我當日的結論是錯了
你這算是維護她嗎?
不,我只是直言無諱
我是記者,要講事實
真是不可思議
你被她迷倒了,像燈蛾撲火
別胡扯了
加入我這一團吧
你說什麼?
你比我還需要多喝兩杯
我是記者
我在寫稿,我是有錢收的
這篇稿會被刊出
你在那篇稿裡會看到全部事實
她喜歡怎樣吃蛋?
煮熟的,跟我一樣
樓價偏高,唐餐帶走
這就是典型的紐約
別忘了那張運程指示啊
我早就看過了,你不會想知道的
他快把我逼瘋了
你倆的性愛前戲是互相敵視?
我們的婚姻是三個人的
他啦,我啦,還有我們的醫生
雅莉,出了什麼岔子呢?
我是指我倆當年!你知道嗎?
事隔多年了,你還記得嗎?
我記不記得?當然記得啦
我是否犯了相同的…
我倆的婚姻是出了這種岔子!
是我眼中見不到你?
不是,不,你不是這樣
我很抱歉
雅莉,我很抱歉
艾基,我也很抱歉
要事隔十二年才說得出來
我看到你摟我老婆啦
是你自作自受,給你吧
你的算命運程
孔子曰：
“留下妻子與前夫重聚,吾不欲觀”
到處燈火通明
希望比去年好
甚至比過去十年好
我們給精彩的舞蹈員鼓掌吧
給天王與天后拍照啊
我想用我婚前的姓
你還記得嗎?
很不錯
我只不過二十四小時沒見到他
如果知道他在何處我會舒服些
你明白嗎?
歡迎參加我們的預排婚宴
你要喝點什麼?
您好
你們有不放進玩具的酒嗎?
我聽到很多掌聲
您好
你的髮型繽紛悅目
你消失到哪裡去了?
你很想念我,是嗎?
有人勝出了
在這個島現在是吃飯時間了
我們會奉上鮮蝦鮭魚
各位就座吧
你對蝦有敏感吧?
沒有
真可惜
大家留意一下華達
留心聽,他又咕咚咕咚了
按照多年來的傳統
現在是祝酒的時候了
首先由我們的養蜂專家老杜祝酒
祝我們新郎的心永遠充滿希望
祝我們新娘的腿被鉛球拖著
希望她這雙小腿不再發足狂奔
希望這次的結婚禮物
不必再退回
大家都知道古語有雲：
“嫁女並非失去一個女兒”
“而是多添一個兒子”
美姬逃跑的笑話
在本鎮未必留傳得最長久
但倒也算最快
爹,你真會說笑
可能甘先生也有話要說
你想對大家講幾句話嗎?
請稍等,我還未知道
你沒事吧!
當面揶揄一下美姬
比在專欄挖苦她更有趣
你說什麼?
賓客是說笑而已
對啊,來吧
好,我們祝酒吧
敬美姬的家人與親友一杯
希望你們都會成為眾矢之的
希望你們都會飽受鞭撻
希望你們都知取笑美姬是錯誤的
講得真有趣,祝酒都祝夠了
我們跳呼拉舞吧
各位,我們盡情玩吧
大家先在這裡排隊
拿住,她可能需要穿了
美姬呢?
去了車子那裡給我拿一些東西
也許她需要有人幫一幫她
當年是誰阻擋格力帶球的?
是卑斯吧
他是打後衛的,不會是他
是貝利吧?
外衣給你,天氣冷了
別扮好人了
維護你的只有我一個人
你侮辱了我
不,我是維護你呀!
侮辱你的是那一群人
不,當時場面已受控制了
現在他們都替我感到惋惜了
他們應該,你又會再摧殘自己了
你為何…
告訴我,你還在乎珠穆朗瑪峰嗎?
很有趣,很高嘛
你還擔心洞房之夜
我一直都贊同
你並不是贊同,我以前對你說過了
你是害怕
你當時害怕,現在也害怕
你是個很迷惘的人
迷惘?
對,很迷惘!
你迷惘得不知想吃什麼蛋
是真的
什麼?
想嫁那神父前你想要炒蛋
想嫁紀朗前你想吃煎蛋
想嫁那捉蟲佬前你又想吃煮蛋
現在你又只想吃蛋白
這叫做思想改變嘛
不,這叫做毫無思想
美姬,你怎麼啦?
你真的要人把你扯上喜馬拉雅山
你才肯享受蜜月
你是不是想爬那座山的
我是想啊
不,你並不想
你需要一個男人把你帶到海灘
掩住你一雙眼
讓你體悟腳踩黃沙的奇妙感受
你需要一個男人在黎明前弄醒你
對你說出綿綿情話
因為他急不及待想知你想說什麼
我說得對嗎?
別再說了
我星期日就嫁了
你只是企圖想我又再走佬
因為你是個憤世嫉俗
心胸狹隘的人
愛神之箭射中臂膀也絲毫不知
你會做的只是抨擊、取笑別人
批評人家所做的事
因為你自己什麼也不敢做
我讀過你的專欄
你從來沒有寫過你自己的事
迷迷惘惘的並不只我一個
你根本是知道的
我說得對嗎?
幫一幫我
記得當年是誰阻擋格力帶球嗎?
你沒事嗎?
我帶你進去吧
是謝利克藍瑪
我剛被問及當年那場美式足球賽
連誰阻擋格力帶球也忘了
午餐吃什麼?
火雞和芝士
祖母和我想開間婚禮禮物博物館
別說了
什麼?
別再說這種話
說說笑罷了
不,簡直是羞辱,拖得太久了
你不喜歡有個麻煩多多的女兒
但你知道嗎?
我也不喜歡有個老是喝醉的父親
我到房間裡吃
幹嘛美姬還有另一個婚禮彩排?
她早就做過啦
波比希望她想像一下婚禮實況
好了,我們可以彩排啦
你想艾基現在就離開現場嗎?
不,我們要他扮牧師
我不想嘛
你要扮,你會看清楚整個場面
這樣做是最好的
要仰賴你了,艾基牧師
艾基扮牧師?
對,我要他站在最顯眼的位置
讓他目睹一切
你站在教壇上
仙迪,你去門廊那邊
準備好了嗎?
夏威夷宴會出了什麼事啊!
我連那個宴會也不想談了
這條是什麼?
用來拉響教堂鈴的
波比很急了
女士們!
記住波比說過：集中精神
要順利完成
準備投籃入球
要一射就入
永不言敗
準備出擊
女士們,你們在哪兒?
來了
搖鈴
她在幹什麼?
她在扮搖鈴的人
想扮鐘樓駝俠
美姬,你沒事吧?
沒事
這麼慢,婚禮會變成晚宴了
好,好知道嗎?你做得很好
我認為我們的節奏太急了
你顯得有些緊張
我們只是想你活動一下身子
好了,艾基,過來
你扮我
站在這裡讓她知道要走多遠
親愛的,我陪著你步行
他現在是新郎?
提起精神,想像一下
與我一起用影像聯想法,放鬆
幻想你是一個足球
以螺旋形淩空直飛
投入新郎期待已久的手裡
我以螺旋形淩空直飛
我現在…
正以高速…
一直飛入…
龍門底線
用眼神接觸,用眼神接觸
我入了底線啦
好極,好極
而我就是牧師,我會說
各位親戚朋友
我們現在共聚一堂
嘰哩咕嚕講一些廢話
我現在宣佈你們成為合法夫妻
吻新娘吧
我們在琴聲下步下通道
於是我們就是夫…
不!
美姬?
嗯,美…
如果你幻想吻的是我,你吻得好
你搞什麼鬼?
波比,我很對不起,但她也回吻我
我回吻你?
對,你的確有啊
我都看在眼中了
這份愛意滋生了多久?
大概一分鐘前
我對你產生愛意則早一些
真的?
我應該怎樣對你們說呢?
聽住呀
嗯,你大可以說
“我希望你們倆”
“真真正正幸福地活下去”
我希望你們倆
真真正正幸福地活下去
幫我照顧他
你沒事吧?
我很抱歉
至少我是在婚禮前溜掉
這算是進步了
你會找到一個…
比我更能令你幸福的女人
讓開
看到啦,你找到了
她擅於撫慰有需要的男人
你遲一些撥電話找我吧
你想傾訴一下,可以打這個號碼
波比,小心駕駛啊
他們要關門回家了
波比怎麼樣?
還好
現在發生的事
我是指剛才在教堂裡
我也不清楚,坦白說…
我甚至不想談了
我也不想
慢著
等一等,不行的
不行的,我們…別這樣
不,不,我們要談一談
我們現在要好好一談
過來,坐下吧
讓我有個喘息的…
空間吧
好啦
你認為也許…
你有結婚禮服
也有教堂
還訂了婚期
我們現在是兩個人
或者…
你還是要步入教堂
跟一個你愛的人
而他也是愛你的
跟誰啊?
跟你也無所謂
我都無所謂
我準備結婚了
“卡美姬與甘艾基的婚禮”
你經常都這樣做
住在這小鎮沒什麼好做嘛
我們找出了艾基的優點
他的頭髮,任何顏色都好看
我喜歡他那結實的屁股
祖母,別這樣嘛
我的確喜歡嘛
我們在教堂見面好嗎?
你會來吧?
還有三十七個鐘頭
你第一個婚禮我也在場嘛
我們會在小鎮待一段時期
因為他要寫一本書
你一直都打算寫一部小說
我在這裡找到靈感
我覺得我可以執筆,我要寫出來
艾基要結婚啦
你在地毯上撒尿,我就宰了你
是艾基打電話來
你在做什麼?
沒什麼
舉起來
你在幹嘛?
行了
沒什麼
我見到最美麗的少女
他見到我啊
下注
兩隻積
你想出術,行不通的
我贏了!
他們多麼成熟!
婚禮鈴聲響徹希路鎮
未做過伴娘,老是做新娘的美姬
準備第四度結婚了
有結果後我再向各位觀眾報導
今天觀禮的人數甚多
好像參加皇室宴會或觀看明星
而美姬正是希路鎮的明星
有T恤賣,獨家發售
印有走佬俏佳人字樣的T恤
她會不會再走佬呢?
這是大家最想知道的
更遑論不在場的第四位准新郎了
他會爽我的約
他不會的
因為我今天見到八隻鵝飛成V型
你經常都見到鵝啦
不是八隻嘛
而且還是一個V型
八隻會好些嗎?
八隻飛成V型,幻想一下
V字象徵勝利?
勝利,對了
VV嘩嘩
VV嘩嘩是不吉利
VV聲!你知道都是不祥啦
我很緊張,我的紙袋呢?
紙袋遲些才需要用嘛
擦耳朵吧
這個主意好
真是個好主意,擦耳朵吧!
高利有時都幫我擦耳朵
我們都給狗兒擦耳朵
買件寫著“她嫁不出”的吧
這種T恤店鋪是買不到的
艾基來了
開場了
好得多了,真的令我很舒服
很舒服
他在這裡
噢,我的耳朵呀!噢,我見到他了
艾基已經來到教堂了
這次是你第一次結婚嗎?
是你最後一次嗎?
有計劃開枝散葉嗎
他被人打過
行啦
他來了,是個好兆頭
好啦,好啦
面紗是誰造的
又不是纏著你
現在要冷靜下來了
否則我們沒法替你穿上禮服了
我不能穿著法蘭絨嫁的
他是適合你的,真的非常適合
你在幹什麼
回來紐約吧,別呆在這裡
他是你的終身伴侶了
我們要快些了
禮拜日上堂的學生快到了
彭太
沒有味
放在架上吧
你真是沒有情趣
沒有情趣
我想拍出“賓虛”的場面
賓乜都好啦,總之要拍倒
老友啊!噢,老天!
謝謝你們賞面
我們是好朋友嘛,是嗎?
我們當然是啦
你會是我的伴郎
就算不是最佳人選,也算是高手
去見證婚牧師,他會教你怎樣做
希望有人能教我怎樣做就好了
你穿這種服飾很英偉
艾基
親愛的,我為你感到高興
我後面有輛車,她走佬時可以追
我是有請柬的,他是跟住我的
你的面色很難看
過獎了
來
幸而嫁的是你
說真的!
不想知自己是第四場的失敗者
有什麼最後忠告嗎?
保持眼神接觸
眼神接觸
你穿上了什麼啊
在婚禮一定要衣冠楚楚的
該感謝我們借婚車給你吧
感謝你
你幹嘛說這種話?我們形同一家
怎麼樣?
我叫菲莎,未請教?
那條線老是不出來
你扯著我頸部的毛了
杜太,這是我的婚禮
坐下來吧
她是誰?
杜太
別把手帕給他
折疊好就放入口袋裡
祝你好運
謝謝你,婆婆
我真的希望你嫁這個人
全鎮的人都坐在新娘那一邊
還有些紐約來客坐在新郎那邊
這張椅子有人坐嗎?
我是曼哈頓的依蓮
我叫波比,美姬丟棄的第四個丈夫
真是遺憾
沒關係啦,冤豬頭都有紋鼻菩薩
嫁給艾基我倒不太介懷
傑克在拳王爭霸戰也敗給紐約客
對啊!他後來成為世界拳王
吐出來吧
我們去吧
不要在教堂的神壇上慢步而行了
我討厭這樣子,要急步走
請大家起立
新娘步下神壇通道了!
美姬走向神壇去行婚禮了!
她突然駐足不前
集中精神跟著我
請坐,謝謝各位
我偷偷帶了照相機來
我們共聚一堂…
請不要拍照
等禮成才可以照相
我們共聚一堂…
她往哪裡跑?
別這樣
封鎖大門
穿上這件婚紗還未夠十分鐘
追我的男人有很多糖果
你們截住他,他就會給你們
記住啊
給我們糖果
我沒有,幫我攔截那個頑皮新娘
我這套是義大利名廠西裝啊
等一下
“聯邦速遞公司”
快開
別這樣做嘛
美姬
他一直跑著追她
他的體魄倒也很好
你以為她會去了哪裡?
無論何處,明早十點半一定送到
你下一步計畫是什麼?
你有什麼感受?
你打算怎辦呢?
你一定很難受了
你會再給她一個機會嗎?
跟我們談一談呀!
夠了,別纏繞著他啦!
“硬體店的姑娘又再臨陣退縮”
她還要走佬多少次啊?
“美姬的瘋狂衝刺”
報告本地新聞
市長呼籲大家不要再談論
美姬上星期幾乎完成的婚禮
我是希路鎮電臺的高利
願主祝福你在小鎮裡活得聰明些
停鏡
你很上鏡
你還好吧!
還好
想去酒吧喝一杯嗎?
我做完後就打算回家
你知道嗎?
我還在想那個“V”字
我覺得嘛
鵝群排成V字,等於半個W
代表…
你說什麼啊
代表“婚禮”
表示你要有充份準備才可以
謝謝你
那你依然認為他…
想得真快
你的確思路敏捷
“美姬設計”
我們開始吧
艾基,你好嗎?
喂,馬榮
還是鬱鬱寡歡?
嗨,是我
聽到聲響後就留下口訊吧
喂,艾基
難道連我的看門守衛也崇拜你
我跟你的貓兒交上朋友嘛
我來這裡沒問題吧
我沒有選擇餘地了
我不能代它發言嘛,賣“主”求榮!
你生氣,我是不會責怪你的
或者說憤怒吧
又甚至是大怒,怒火中燒
你究竟想怎麼?
你是為生意而來嗎?
順帶一提,我見過你設計的燈飾
居然會賣得出!
有一件事我一直想做
你大可把破門入屋也當作是事業
你來這裡幹嘛?
我想跟你談談
我當日走佬的原因
有時我也會搭人家的車的
有關係嗎?
我認為有!
我沿著神壇行婚禮時
我是朝著一個並不瞭解我的人
一半是那個人的錯
因為我已用盡辦法說服過他
我完全是他所需要的
所以我走佬是好事
否則那個婚禮就成變了互相欺騙
但是,你…
你才瞭解真正的我
我的確瞭解你
我卻不瞭解自己
結果我還是要去追那架車
我也無能為力
可是…
賜福
你想說什麼?
我愛吃賜過福的蛋
其他各類型的蛋我都討厭
盛大的婚禮我也討厭
人人都凝望著我
我想在周日結婚
那五天大家都要上班
我可以策騎跑入夕陽所到之處
要我寫下來嗎?
還有
你可以告訴我
是給你的
用過的?
本來都是我的
我把跑步鞋都給了你
這次是認真的了
還有一件事
我思想不平衡時就會想出更多
你坐下來吧
用不著拿它了
好啦
噢,不,老天
別掩著你的臉
這種事一生人只會有一次
也是我的第一次,別錯過啊
留心聽著
我愛你,甘艾基
你願意娶我嗎?
我要考慮一下
我希望你是這樣說的
你不會
我是啊 你並不是
我可以說我一直練習講的話了
準備好了嗎?
我洗耳恭聽
我肯定將來會有不如意的時候
我肯定我倆其中一個想分手
但我肯定如果不向你求婚
我會遺憾終生!
因為我很清楚在我心坎裡
只有你的存在
你的講詞很好
我向一個我認識的作家借來用的
怎麼樣?
陪我跳只舞
我們今天聚在一起…
慶祝卡美姬與甘艾基的複合
你有帶結婚戒指嗎?
你願娶美姬做你的合法妻子嗎?
我願意
你願接受艾基做你的合法丈夫嗎
我願意
願你們日後長相廝守的日子裡
憑著堅毅的個性增強彼此的愛意
我憑法律賜予我的權力
宣佈你們成為合法夫妻
你可以吻新娘了
你猜到嗎?她這次真的嫁了!
卡美姬正式結婚了
感謝天主
比提,她嫁了!她嫁了
[Male Singer] % I have climbed the highest mountain %
% I have run through the fields %
% Only to be with you %
% I have run, I have crawled %
% I have scaled these city walls %
% These city walls %
% Only to be with you %
% But I still haven't found %
% What I'm looking for %
% But I still haven't found %
% What I'm looking for %
[Man] Fisher, pick up.
Fisher, it's me! Fisher, pick up!
I'm late, come on, come on. I need to bounce some ideas off you.
Mine are all boring, done it, been there.
Hey, Ike!
When are you guys gonna stop waking me up every morning?
When your column stops putting me to sleep.
- Funny, funny. - Yo, Jonah!
Fisher, come on! Are you really not there?
All right, cool. I'll talk to you later.
Excuse me. I'm thinking of doing an article about limousines.
What do you think about people who've never been in one?
I don't know people like that.
I need someone to bounce some ideas off of and get the juices flowing.
I got one hour, 27 minutes, 52 seconds.
Hey, Ike! When are you gonna put me in a column?
- When your T-shirts stop shrinking. - [Woman] Shrinks?
-Funny. He's kidding. He's just kidding. -Oh, forget it.
- Here, give me $5. Give me $2. - [Woman] No way.
Folks, I got nice shirts here. Look!
"I love everybody. You're next."
%[Female Singing]
So what's in store for us in tomorrow's column?
[Groans] I don't know yet.
I'm, uh, kind of a last-minute man.
You know, till an hour or two before deadline, I don't get any ideas.
So you get your ideas for your column from life.
Start up a conversation with a woman in a bar.
Attack her dart playing and try to get a rise out of her...
while you contemplate whether or not she's worth hitting on.
No, I can't hit on you till I get an idea.
Wh-- That's flattering.
[Ike] No, you don't understand.
I understand. See, my not responding to you baiting me...
will inspire one of those bitter diatribes you like to write about women.
[Ike]I don't write bitter diatribes about women.
- Oh-ho. - Very often. I could.
Only when the ideas aren't flowing, huh?
It's so nice to meet you, one-minute man.
It's last-minute man.
Whatever.
Want to hear something funny? For a good-looking guy, you strike out a lot.
- [Bartender] Have you noticed that? - [Phone Ringing]
- I bet it's your ex-wife. - [Man] Excuse me.
I've seen much worse.
[Bartender] No, Ike's not here.
I say, I've seen much worse.
- I'll tell him when he comes in. - Excuse me?
The brush-off.
I've witnessed far more...
treacherous and nefarious exits than that.
At least she castigated you in private.
Not as private as I thought. Kevin, you got some napkins there?
- Wiping or writing? - I'll let you know.
They love you. They hate you.
They're hot. They're cold. They're high.
They're up. They're down.
This is fun making a list with you, but I do have a column to write.
Ike.
But you have yet to find a really superb idea.
There's a girl from my hometown that you could write about.
Excuse me, but we don't need any ideas.
She likes to dump grooms at the altar. They call her the "Runaway Bride."
She's performed the travesty seven or eight times.
Turns around, runs like hell. Bolts. Adios.
Plows down the aisle, knocking old ladies out of her way...
Like the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona.
And guess what! She's got the next victim all lined up.
She's turning another body on the spit.
[Ike] Okay, Italics, here we go.
[Ike's Voice] Today is a day of profound introspection.
I have been accused of using this column...
to direct bitter diatribes at the opposite sex.
This uncomfortable accusation...
has plunged me into at least 15 minutes of serious reflection,
from which I have emerged...
with the conclusion that, yes, I traffic in female stereotypes.
"But how can one blame me when every time I step out my front door,
I meet fresh proof that the female archetypes are alive and well."
"The mother, the virgin, the whore, the crone."
"They're elbowing you in the subway, stealing your cabs,
and overwhelming you with perfume in elevators."
"But perhaps in fairness to the fairer sex,
I do need to broaden my horizon and add some new goddesses to the pantheon."
"I would like to nominate for deity the cheerleader, the coed...
and the man-eater, the last of which concerns me most today."
"In ancient Greece, this fearsome female was known as Erinys,
the devouring death goddess."
"In India, she is Kali,
who likes to devour her boyfriend Shiva's entrails..."
"while her yoni devours his dot, dot, dot... never mind."
"In Indonesia, the bloody-jawed man-eater is called Ragma."
You notice these are all countries without cable.
"And in Hale, Maryland,
where she helps run the family hardware store,
she is known as Miss Maggie Carpenter, a.k.a. the Runaway Bride."
"What is unusual about Miss Carpenter...
is that she likes to dress her men up as grooms before she devours them."
One antique hot-water handle with the "hot" still on it.
Guaranteed to fit any American Standard cast-iron tub...
with a four-inch center mount made between 1924 and 1938.
In other words, Mr. Paxton,
I think you are out of the doghouse with Mrs. Paxton.
Hallelujah!
I'll see you later. I'll put it on your charge.
There's a possibility she hasn't seen this yet.
Maybe she just hasn't picked up a paper. Know what I mean?
- Or not. - [Man]Maggie?
Earl, you don't need an air-conditioner. You need an attic fan.
There's more in the back. Hey.
What?
So, Mag, you've seen this, huh?
Yes, I've seen it.
And it is the rudest,
most offensive...
joke anyone has ever played on me!
You guys, how long did this take you? Where did you get it done?
You're both creeps, by the way. I should "disinvite" you.
Maggie, you told us no bachelorette jokes, so we didn't--
Holy moly.
- Bag. Bag! - She's going. She's gonna go!
Here's the bag. Breathe!
[Female Singer] % Ready, ready, ready, ready %
% Ready to run %
% All I'm ready to do is have some fun %
[Barks]
% What's all this talk about love %
[Grunting]
[Radio] On the local front, our town of Hale, Maryland,
is still buzzing about the less-than-flattering article...
about their native daughter, Maggie Carpenter.
Her bridal exploits were taken to task...
by New York columnist Ike Graham in USA Today.
- Mr. Graham called her-- - [Radio Off]
[Maggie's Voice] Dear Editor: Greetings from the sticks.
Perhaps you believe that a rural education is focused mainly...
on hog calling and tractor maintenance rather than reading.
Why else would you print a piece of fiction about me and call it fact?
I suppose Mr. Graham was too busy thinking up slanderous statements...
about how I dump men for kicks...
to bother with something silly like accuracy in reporting.
Which is understandable, because with a man-eater like me on the loose,
who has time to check facts?
- Hey, Frances, lunch today? - No, I'm going to the bank.
- Sure? - Sorry, Ike.
- All right. Hey. - Hey.
I'm going to put in a good word for you.
Don't mention my name.
[Maggie's Voice] That's why I was surprised to find...
Mr. Graham's editor was a woman.
Call me a sentimental fool, but I hoped we man-eaters could stick together.
"Anyway, I'm just dropping you big-city folk this little note...
to say that I have thought of a ritual sacrifice..."
"that would satisfy my current appetite:
"Ike Graham's column on a platter."
"Yours truly, Maggie Carpenter. P.S.
"I have enclosed a list of gross factual misrepresentations in your article.
There are fifteen."
[Ike] Funny. I like her.
She's got spunk.
Ike, look. She sent us this list. Our lawyers say it's actionable.
[Sighs]
I left you four messages. You don't return my calls.
I never returned your calls. Even when we were married I didn't--
-What's Fisher doing here? -Ellie asked me to offer moral support.
Since when does Ellie need moral support?
It's for you, Ike.
What? What?
Journalism lesson number one:
If you fabricate your facts, you get fired.
Lesson number two: Never work for your former spouse.
That has nothing to do with it. You cooked this story up, and you know it!
I did not cook anything up. I had a source.
Someone reliable? Some boozehound in a bar?
In vino veritas.
Hey, hey, hey. Don't knock drunk guys in bars. It means they're not driving.
Besides, lam a columnist.
This is what columnists are supposed to do.
It's what you like. We push, we stretch, we go out on a limb.
That's what makes me good!
No, that's what makes you unemployed.
All right. Let's consider that my wrist has been slapped.
There. Slap it. Go ahead, just--
Slap my wrist. That's done.
Just give me a call when you feel that I've served my time, and move on.
This is permanent, Ike.
If you go quietly, I'll get you severance pay.
[Secretary] I'm sorry, Ike.
[Train Whistle Blowing]
[Crossing Bell Ringing]
- [Maggie]Bob? Honey? - In the kitchen!
Honey, she canned him! Honey?
Bob, she canned him!
- Yea! What are you talking about? - Listen, it's in the paper.
- Try this on first. - Okay.
I wanna read it to you, so come over this way.
Ready? "Dear Maggie Carpenter:
I apologize to you for this unfortunate matter.''
Here it is. "Ike Graham's column will no longer be appearing in this paper.
Best of luck in your upcoming marriage."
Okay, this is the weight of the pack you'll be carrying in the Himalayas.
- You let me know if it's too heavy. - Okay. Whoa!
A little... yeah. Yeah, a little heavy, baby. [Laughing]
[Screams, Laughs]
[Phone Rings, Message Machine] Hi, it's me. Leave a message after the beep.
If you want to leave a fax, buy me a fax machine.
[Beeps] Ike, Fisher.
Get up. I can turn this Runaway Bride story around.
I'm doing a photo spread for G.Q. today by the convey or belt.
Meet me. I'll save your tush.
And since I do freelance stuff for G.Q. now, I have an idea.
- What are you saying? - Vindication.
How would you like some?
A chance to prove that although your story wasn't entirely factual,
your theory was correct.
- The real story on Miss Carpenter. - All the gory details.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
[Fisher] And if she runs again, you got a cover story.
[Male Singers] % Oh, here she comes %
% Watch out, boy she'll chew you up %
% Oh, here she comes %
% She's a man-eater %
% Oh, here she comes %
% Watch out, boy she'll chew you up %
% Oh, here she comes %
% She's a man-eater %
% She'll only come out at night %
% The lean and hungry type %
% Nothing is new I've seen her here before %
% Watching and waiting %
% She's seated with you but here yes are on the door %
% I wouldn't if I were you %
% I know what she can do %
%She's deadly, man She could really rip your world apart %
% Mind over matter %
% Oh, the beauty is there but a beast is in the heart %
Here you go. Right upstairs to the left.
Thanks. How late's the restaurant open?
- 8:30 every night. - [Chuckles] That late, huh?
[Maggie] Cindy, can you eighty-six Sprout?
He's licking up all the petroleum distillates I'm trying to put in.
Oh, sorry. She's an obedience school dropout.
- [Sprout Barks] - Have a seat.
% [Barbershop Quartet Vocalizing] %
[Applause]
Thank you. We'll see you, ladies and gentlemen, in the hotel on the weekend.
You're a goddess. You're a goddess!
[Into Tape Recorder] Shazam! I think I'm in Mayberry.
[Maggie]I didn't have to change a gasket, just put in new hydraulic fluid.
[Woman] Stop it! When you talk like that, it turns me on and frightens me.
- Oh, you turn a girl's head. - [Laughing] Whoa!
Excuse me. Hello?
Excuse me. Could you help-- I'm looking for Maggie Carpenter.
There was a, uh, note on the door of the hardware store across the street.
- Are you a reporter? - What?
It's just been our experience that...
anyone who comes in here with tassels on his loafers...
is a big-city reporter wanting to do an interview with Maggie.
About her upcoming wedding and all.
Actually about her getting that asshole from New York fired.
I am just such a reporter. And who are you?
- Peggy Flemming. Not the ice skater. - [Laughs]
[Peggy] Come in, come in.
[Ike] Who are these lovely ladies?
Hi. I'm Cindy. Maggie's unmarried cousin.
Mrs. Pressman. No relation. Oh, sorry.
[Peggy] And you are?
Looking... for Maggie.
Maggie, someone to see you.
I hope you've got a new angle because it's all pretty much been covered.
Hold on. No one interviews Maggie in here without a haircut.
Sorry, no. Just got one.
[Mrs. Pressman] Excuse me, sir, I have a fact for you.
- This is an actual fact. - Yes, Mrs. Pressman?
This is actually her fourth wedding, not her seventh like they said.
[Ike] I know. Tell me something. Do you think she's...
- gonna make it all the way this time? - I don't know.
[Gasps]
She swallowed her gum. She does that.
Mr. Schulian, he runs the newsstand. He's also our local bookie.
He's given eight-to-one odds that she won't.
Okay.
Instead of a haircut, how 'bout a wash?
Get all that city grit out of your hair.
You'll answer my questions?
Mm-hmm.
Fine! You wash, I'll ask.
So, what do you want to know?
When is the big day?
- A week from Sunday. - Let's put this here like this...
because this aroma therapy can get a little strong.
The lavender, we don't want to put you to sleep.
[Ike] You nervous?
I've never been more certain of anything in my life.
Except I've been having all kinds of weird dreams.
Mm-hmm. Would you like to tell me about 'em?
Yeah, sure.
- [Maggie] And another one. - Pete, I'll be right with ya.
[Maggie] I go inside the church and everyone I know is there.
The creepiest part is I look down at my dress, and it's red!
I don't know what that means. Red is not my color.
What do you think?
- I think you'd look good in red. - No, no.
She means about your hair.
[Peggy Chuckles]
My jacket, please.
Thank you.
Excuse me, sir. Do you know where I can get some shampoo? Strong shampoo?
Doc's pharmacy. Third and Elm. Tell 'em Pete sent ya.
You want my hat?
No, no, I'm fine. You might need it.
Mr. Graham, if you're looking for Elm Street, it's that way.
Thank you.
If you came down here in the pursuit of happiness, you might as well go back...
because you can't make me feel bad.
I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I'm here for vindication.
In my heart, I feel I'm right about you.
Mmm.
You got me fired, lady.
You destroyed my reputation, and you screwed up my hair.
You chew up men, spit 'em out and love it.
You're gonna do the same thing to this poor schmuck number four...
that you did to the previous three.
You're gonna run again.
And I'm not leaving until you do.
I'd love to stay and chat, but I still have my job.
Hey, kid, kid, kid, wait a minute.
- Give you ten bucks for the hat. - Sure!
That's right.
Sheesh.
[Bob Chuckles]
I'm telling you, that is a photo opportunity.
When I only see one dog, I know I've had too much to drink.
Hey, you'll never guess...
who came crawling into town with his tail between his legs.
[Walter] Who?
Hello, Maggie.
[Ike] I just came over to apologize to your family.
When I'm wrong, I'm wrong.
I pushed a story. I made a mistake.
In other words, he's only human. And he brought us a bottle of wine.
-Made me put my hat back on. -Yeah. It scared the hell outta Skipper.
[Barks]
You've gotta be kidding me.
No, no. You should've seen Skipper. He was like-- [Barks]
[Howls]
It wasn't that... funny.
Actually, it's been quite amusing.
Walter, here, has been sharing his father of the bride wedding memories.
You know what?
I think I'll take this to the kitchen. [Mouthing Words]
I'll help you bring it in... to the kitchen.
- Check on the crabs, Bob. - Okay.
-[Whispers] Is he staying for dinner? -I don't know.
I hope they don't have a fight. You don't think they'd call it off, do you?
Wedding cake freezes. This we know. [Chuckles]
- You know, your daughter is such-- - [Gasps] Oh, I'm sorry.
No, no, that's all right, Grandma. That's fine.
She's such a lovely girl.
Yeah. Well, like her mother. Look.
May she rest in peace.
We were all so proud of Maggie when she was in school.
She won that American Legion scholarship to college.
She studied industrial design.
I can't see her leaving multiple grooms in the dust like that.
Oh, yes, you can. She's got it all on tape.
- Tape? - Yeah, they're all right there.
You got tapes of the wedding?
Lee, at the hotel, videos weddings.
Course Maggie didn't know she was gonna be running the 100-yarddash.
- I gotta say, she makes real good time. - Bingo!
Maggie may not be Hale's longest running joke,
but she is certainly the fastest.
Ha, ha.
Maggie's mom and I were only blessed with one child,
not for a lack of trying.
This is good, Dad. Don't leave anything out.
I consider it a bonus...
[Skipper Barks]
that I'm actually able to plan and pay for so many weddings.
Not this one. This one's on me.
Oh! That's fair.
I don't do it on purpose, and I have no intentions of doing it again.
That's right, Maggie. Just keep your eye on the ball.
Sports psychology.
Bob is the head of the P.E. department at the high school.
And he coaches the football team. And he's climbed Everest.
- Everest? Is it true? - [Maggie] Twice.
Without oxygen.
- My girl, she likes to brag about me. - I do.
Maggie's training for our wedding night.
I'm taking her trekking on Annapurna for our honeymoon.
- Oh, how romantic! - We think so.
Nothing like sharing your nuptial bed with two Sherpas and a yak.
[Laughing]
Hey, Ike, how's it going?
You won't believe what I'm looking at here. I got a video...
of all three train wrecks.
[Chavez] Here's my bride, who's my pride.
I'll never hide when she's by my side.
This is for you, Maggie, my "Sugar Magnolia."
[Ike] You want the truth? You want the facts? I got 'em.
I'll send you a copy of the notes.
Good weekend reading for you.
Love to Ellie. Okay, bye.
[Male Singer] % Sweet blossom come on %
% Under the willow %
% We can have high times if you'll abide %
% We can discover the wonders of nature %
% Rolling in the rushes down by the riverside %
% She's got everything delightful %
% She's got everything I need %
% Takes the wheel when I'm seeing double %
% Pays my ticket when I speed %
[Music Stops]
Okay, preacher man, let's go!
-[Chavez] Maggie, where're you goin'? -[Maggie] Sam!
-[Maggie]Sam. Get back on the bike. -Okay. How was the wedding?
Shorter than we planned. Just go.
[Chavez] Okay, peace, baby.
[Video Fast-Forwarding]
%[Organ]
[Female Singer] % ["Ave Maria"]
[Concerned Murmuring]
-[Man] Where is she going? -[Woman] Look, she's leaving.
- [Woman #2] She forgot her purse. - No, she didn't forget her purse.
[Walter] Go after her! Do something!
[Chuckles] I don't believe this.
[Minister] Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today--
[Whinnies]
Could we hold the horse, please? What's wrong with the horse?
The horse seems more jittery than the bride.
I like the white tuxedo.
Yeah, but he's no good 'cause he's too blond.
All right. Then we just go with something very traditional.
He's handsome. Maybe a little too dark for Bob.
Yeah, but he's got the "Bobster's" eyes.
No, no, no, no. The Bobster's eyes are closer set. Yeah.
- Hello! Hi. - Hi.
-Could I have two cups of coffee? And-- -Yes.
[Sniffs] Mmm. What is that wonderful smell?
Oh, the cinnamon rolls!
- Could I have two of those? Thank you. - Yeah, sure.
Okay. Uh, Maggie, I think this makes the best you.
[Whispering] Okay.
Oh, let's see. Look at that.
Excuse me.
Oh, look at that.
Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam!
Ow, ow, ow! Help me! Help me!
[Sighs] Yep, that'd be her.
You must be that Mr. Graham fella.
- Yes, I am! And you are? - [Laughing]
- I'm Betty Trout. - Hi, Betty!
Okay, I guess you'll be the one making the cake.
Yes, I am. Sure.
I'm also told that you will be throwing--
I'm throwing the luau for Maggie.
Pre-wedding luau!
If you're still in town, you should stop by.
No, no, he doesn't want to come.
I'd love to come. [Bell Rings]
I will be there. Thank you.
Is that what you're going to do now? Follow me around everywhere I go?
No.
I'll be back, Betty.
Bye, Mr. Graham.
- He's not a nice person. - Well, I know.
That's my pick. The eyes are perfect.
[Cheerleaders] We always win. We never fail.
We're the Comets, so go to Hale! % Let's go, Comets %
% Let's go Let's go, Comets, let's go %
- Hi, Miss Carpenter. - Hey, Kendall.
Maggie, don't marry Coach. Marry me. I love you.
You're jail bait, Dennis. Go away. Go away. Run your laps. Go, go!
[Bob] Drive, drive, drive! From the hips!
Keep it low now, keep it low!
[Whistle Blows] Good job, gentlemen. All right, special teams.
Special teams.
- Hey, honey, how are you? - Good.
What is he up to now?
Ike just dropped by to check out the team.
And to talk about you!
- Ahh! - Yes!
You aren't making friends with this man, are you?
I'm just bragging about how good you are.
- And how I'm the luckiest man alive. - Mm-hmm!
Sweetie.
Well, I better be moving.
Got a lot of work to do today.
- See you two lovebirds later. - See you at the weddin'.
- Yeah. Thanks for the jacket. - You invited him to the wedding?
% Go, go, Comets Let's go %
Don't you realize he's writing another article about me?
Sure.
But you're not runnin'. Come on. Give me some of that homemade sunshine.
Boys, take my princess for a ride on her chariot.
Oh, my-- [Laughing]
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
My last confession was-- Well, anyway.
I have sort of a technical question.
I've been having bad thoughts.
Reallybadthoughts.
- Of an impure nature? - No, no.
I want to destroy this man's life, career, everything. I want revenge!
Now, on the sin scale, howbadis that?
Can I... "Hail Mary" my way out of that?
-My child, any sin in one's heart is a-- -The name is Maggie.
It was this side of ten years ago you had your tongue down my throat.
So don't "my child" me, Brian, okay? It annoys me.
Maggie, don't get so upset.
Hey, hey! Don't-- Brian, talk to me. I need to talk to you.
Maggie, Maggie, Maggie.
You're not even Catholic so you really shouldn't be here.
I'm sorry. I'm just so stressed out about this slimeball reporter.
And I wanted to come and tell you that he might stop by here...
and ask you all kinds of ridiculous questions.
Well, he only actually asked me one ridiculous question.
The rest weren't so bad.
What? Oh, you talked to him?
Did you tell him we dated before you were a priest?
Of course. I think I only did you good.
W-What exactly did he ask?
- Am I too late, Father? - No, no.
- It won't take long. Just two venials. - Okay.
Um, just respectful things.
What kind of music did you like? What did we have in common?
Did you ruin my life when you left me at the altar?
Uh, what did you say?
I said, you know, how could I be angry...
when this is clearly as God intended for it to be for me?
Good one! Thanks.
But, actually, it's, it's really, really how I feel.
Of course. God, yes.
Not... [Whispers] God.
[Whispers] Sorry.
I better go. The man is a lunatic.
But I think I know exactly where he's going next.
[Whispering] God bless.
Oh! Purse.
Forgot my purse.
Hi, sorry. Purse.
Good luck.
What was the one ridiculous question that he asked?
He wanted to know how you liked your eggs.
Oh, weird.
Like a person's gonna remember after all this time.
Scrambled with salt, pepper and dill. Same as me.
I'm sorry I hurt you, Brian.
Maggie, I'm happy now... here. It's where I'm supposed to be.
But... if you ever do decide to become a Catholic, will you do me this favor?
Confess to Father Patrick.
Of course.
- Gill? Lydia? - Mags!
Hey, look, the tape. Remember?
Radio City Music Hall concert...
when Jerry was on "Ripple," and I'm going like, "Dude, let me jam."
- Gill, listen-- - I'll play it for you.
- You remember, Maggie. You were there. - Can you focus on me?
There's this reporter who's making my life a living hell.
Okay.
And whatever you do,
do not show him that picture of me from the concert in San Francisco.
- Okay? Can you-- - [Ike Laughing]
- What is that? - Uh-- Wait. San Francisco?
But we went there a few times. There's a lot of pictures.
Which picture? Because one time we had a flat tire. Remember?
Imagine!
Maggie Carpenter topless in a public arena.
Mmm. Oh, yeah.
I see it was a very chilly evening.
Mm-hmm.
What's really interesting about this, though,
is that you can't see that rose tattoo...
- on your back. - [Chuckles]
Oh, yeah. Ike bet me 50 bucks that you don't still have it.
I said, "You're on, man. Maggie loved that thing."
And, seriously, I mean, I could use 50 bucks.
- Mm-hmm. - Maggie?
Just--
Look, I'm not gonna show you guys anything.
I am a soon-to-be-married woman. So just give me the photograph!
I would love to give you this. Believe me, I would.
Just give us a quick gander at that rose,
and I'll gladly turn it over to you.
Fine. Fine. Okay, fine.
Okay? All right?
- [Clears Throat] Satisfied? - Completely.
- Maggie, you got it removed? - Gill--
Gill, I'll go you double or nothing it was a stick on.
Maggie?
Gill, I am...
really, really...
afraid of needles.
- But that doesn't make me a bad person. - Look.
Look! Look!
I think this man is heartbroken.
- No, he's not. - I think I am.
No, you're, you're not!
You have your guitar, and you have Lydia. You're not--
% [Guitar]
We'll talk about this later. Okay?
Hey, Ike?
- What would Jerry do? - He'd play.
-Jerry would play! - He would play!
Well, there's Ike...
with the mayor and the police chief.
Boy, he sure makes friends easy.
That's pretty cool.
- Oh, yeah! - That's right!
- Hey, you're that reporter, right? - Yeah.
There he is again!
Snoop Doggy Dogg!
- I'm going to marry Maggie someday. - Oh, really?
He's an attractive man.
The vicious reporter is attractive? You're saying viciousness is attractive?
No, I'm not saying viciousness is attractive.
He's coming.
I better go--
No, no, no. Don't leave. Uh, act natural.
- Okay. - He can probably read lips.
The famous Swenson triplets. Gimme 15. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well done.
- I will handle this. - Don't move your lips! Okay? Go on.
I will handle this! I won't say anything.
- Okay. - I'll handle it.
Yeah, Cory!
- Hey, Peggy Flemming! - Hey.
- Not the ice skater. - That's Maggie's seat.
Yes, and this must be her beer too.
- [Cory]Hey! - Hey, sweetie!
[Ike] That your husband out here?
- Yeah. - This is Cory? Cory Flemming?
He's a radio announcer here, isn't he?
Yeah, that's right. Have you heard his morning show, "Wake up with Flemm"?
Not yet.
[Grandma Over P.A.]Now up, Atlantic Hotel's Lee Mistlehorne.
He actually made the all-stars in high school.
Really? You must be proud of him.
I didn't really know him back then.
He was actually dating Maggie... at the time.
I mean, he never really-- They were never gonna...
get engaged or anything, it was just like, you know.
Sometimes he'd call her Magpie, and it was really irritating.
But-- I don't know why I'm telling you this.
No, this is good.
- He's stealing third! - Yes!
[Bob] Safe.
Excellent.
Yes! Yes! Whoo!
Safe!
- I love it! - Uh-huh!
- Good one! - Magpie!
Just--
Excellent!
It's nice that they're... still friends.
Yeah, I mean, that was just a long time ago. And, you know, it's just--
So-- Excuse me.
- You all right? - Yeah!
[Grandma Over P.A.] That makes it Alumni, nine, Hale students, eight.
- Hey, Peggy? - Hey!
[Grandma] Cookies for today's game were donated by Betty Trout.
Now up for the Comets, Jordan Hill.
You have been here, what, like three minutes?
What did you do to her?
-You could just turn that finger around. -Excuse me?
Oh, Cory, Cory, Cory! Pow, pow, pow, pow. What is this about?
You know what? We have all been friends our entire lives.
A type of relationship that you obviously don't understand.
I'm not the only one who does not understand.
The U.S.S. Maggie leaves quite a wake.
Excuse me.
Pot-stirrer man.
[Grandma] Cory Flemming to Lee Mistlehorne to Dr. Ettinger.
Hey. All right.
That's cheering. I'm cheering normal.
Cheer. Normal.
- [Woman] Good morning, Peggy. - Good morning.
Do you think I flirt with Cory?
Good morning to you too. You look good.
Thank you.
Do you think I flirt with Cory?
- Yes. - I don't mean to.
I know. I think sometimes you just sort of...
spaz out with excess flirtatious energy,
and it just lands on anything male that moves.
Anything male that moves?
As opposed to anything male that doesn't?
Well, like certain kinds of coral.
I'm definitely going to have to kill myself today.
Why?
Because you think I'm all like, "Hey, man, check me out."
No, I don't. I think you're like...
"I'm charming and mysterious in a way that even I don't understand,
and something about me is crying out for protection from a big man like you."
It's very hard to compete with.
Especially as... married women who've lost our mystery.
Lost-- You have-- You are totally mysterious.
No. I'm weird.
Weird and mysterious are two very different things.
- I'm weird. - No, you're quirky.
Quirky and weird are two very different things.
Peggy, I think there is a distinct possibility...
that I am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up.
Despite that,
I love you and I promise...
to no longer flirt with Cory.
Maggie, I'm not worried about you and Cory,
or me and Cory,
or you being irreversibly screwed up.
Maggie, you've been like this since we were kids.
And all I'm thinking is, now that you're aware of it,
and that it hurts people's feelings sometimes,
maybe it's time to get on with life, and commit to someone of your own,
like Bob, if he's the one.
I know.
Is there anything I can do to... make it up to you?
Well, there's always...
the thing that brings warmth to my heart,
and that is duckbill platypus.
Duckbill-- That is only funny in like Camp Birchwood on...
Just do it.
a trip with the tent and my leg as the pole and it's raining.
And you know. That's the only time that's funny.
Let's just see.
Oh.
[Chuckling]
It's so humiliating.
Thank you.
[Barbershop Quartet] % Farewell, ladies %
% Farewell, ladies We're going to leave you now %
% Merrily we roll along roll along, roll along %
Lee. Hey, wake up. Hey!
- Hello? - Hi.
Gimme the key to the reporter's room. I wanna snoop around.
- Come on, quick. Wake up. - Second floor.
- Thank you. - Don't take anything big.
Okay.
Shh.
Hmm.
Hopefully his favorite.
[Fisher Over Cell Phone] My theory is she's running...
because she gets negative attention.
Negative attention is attention.
You know, like when women whack you on the street because of your column.
That's negative attention.
We're talking about her negative attention, not mine.
"How does she get all those guys to propose?
She's not that beautiful.''
Bite me, paperboy.
Ah, hey! Hey!
Hi, Ike.
You put your shoes out at night, they're real shiny in the mornin'.
- Sometimes they don't bring 'em back. - Mmm, why take a chance?
Good night.
All right. I know you're in there. I saw you.
You realize you're messing with the First Amendment now.
[Knocking On Door] Come on, open up.
Come on!
We should have a very serious discussion...
about why you are such a pain in the ass!
Open the door!
I'm coming in. I'm coming through.
It's your last chance. Here I come!
All right.
Breaking and entering. That's a felony. I'm calling the sheriff.
You know what? You do that.
Can you remind him that's he's bringing the wine to the luau?
[Whispering] It'll save me a call. Thanks so much.
Hey, Ike, does your friend have a sister?
Wait for the original. She'll be available in a week.
%[Jazz]
[Maggie Crowing]
[Crowing Continues]
[Crowing]
Freeze. Oh, hold on to those covers. I didn't come to see Ike Junior.
[Sighs] I take it the desk clerk is one of your many admirers.
So, your notes made for... interesting reading.
What's your point?
My point is, once again, you're getting it all wrong.
And that's not gonna improve your reputation,
and it's not very flattering to me either.
So, I decided that I would help you write the truth.
- [Chuckles] Really? - Mm-hmm.
Oh.
I've decided to cooperate and let you interview me...
- for $1,000. - [Groans]
I want a big wedding and a killer dress.
And for a grand, I will answer all your questions and let you follow me around.
The magazine does not spend money for stories.
- It's not what you would call ethical. - Oh.
I meant you.
I figured you probably got severance or expenses or both.
I'm guessing that you're writing on spec.
And with a first-person interview, you might actually sell that thing.
- Too much. - Seven-fifty.
- Five hundred. - Six-fifty.
Done.
% [Ike Whistling Tune To "The Andy Griffith Show"]
Is that supposed to be a joke? I know what you're whistling.
- Hello. - Hi.
This is a birthday present for my cousin.
[Motor Whirring]
[Chuckles] That's great.
Wonderful stuff. All these found industrial parts and things.
A lamp tree.
That's great.
- Is this-- That's your preferred logo? - I think so.
It's nice. The whole thing is great.
I think you could sell these lamps in New York.
Maybe someday.
- You afraid to try? - No, no. I'm not afraid.
Just... someday.
This is Brian.
Oh, Father Brian.
- And Gill's, of course. - Gill, yeah.
And... George.
He proposed at a butterfly farm in Saint Thomas.
The ring was inside a cocoon.
Ahh. A little too Silence of the Lambs for my taste, but--
Well, he's an entomologist. I thought it was very unique.
- And finally, Bob. - Mmm.
He proposed during the seventh inning stretch...
at an Oriole game.
Wait, wait. Wait, don't tell me.
The scoreboard lit up with "Marry me, Maggie."
It was one of the most wonderful moments of my life.
Highly suspect.
What do you mean? It was incredibly romantic.
Look, maybe it's just me, but...
if you gotta dress it up like that, it just doesn't ring true.
You know, l, I think the most...
that anybody can honestly say is:
"Look, I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee...
"at some point one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing.
"But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine,
"I'll regret it the rest of my life.
"Because I know in my heart...
you're the only one for me."
I like it.
I'd like it better on a scoreboard.
So, is that what you said when you asked your wife to marry you?
Don't look so surprised. You've got "divorce" written all over you.
I'm a work-in-progress.
So, is that what you said to her?
No. I think I said something very eloquent like,
"So, um,
"maybe you and I should, you know--
What do you think? Huh?''
Now, that's romantic.
And with a proposal like that, you didn't find eternal bliss?
- [Sighs] - What went wrong?
I don't know.
- You don't know? - No.
Maybe you should ask her sometime. Ever thought of that?
[Chuckles]
[Maggie] Even with everything that's happened,
I have still never been married.
And I still deserve a beautiful dress.
- [Doorbells Tinkle] - Mrs. Whittenmeyer?
Where are you going?
- Hi, Polly. - Hi, Maggie.
You'll have to excuse her. Some of the children are afraid of you...
since you dragged that little boy up the aisle.
Drag-- No. I didn't, I didn't--
He tripped on his own shoelaces.
You've come for your dress. Good. It's in the back. I'll get it.
Actually, Mrs. Whittenmeyer, I decided...
- that I want to get this dress. - Oh.
The one you have on hold is lovely, dear.
I know, but I've just-- I've changed my mind.
This is $ 1 ,000.
And I have $ 1 ,000.
[Mrs. Whittenmeyer] The other one is only $300, dear.
Um-- Is that dress for sale?
It's just a lot of money to spend on one of your dresses, Maggie.
After all, you only wear them for about ten minutes or so.
Um, yeah, yeah.
I guess that's true.
Uh, the other dress is, is nice.
- Mrs. Whittenheimer? - Meyer.
Whittenmeyer. Could I talk to you just for a second?
Come here. I don't know much about this kind of thing.
I'm from out of town. But you're a salesperson, right?
- You're here to sell wedding dresses. - I've been here 30 years.
Perfect! Because Miss Carpenter is here to buy one.
Ah. But not just any one. She wants that one.
- It's $1,000! - Listen, Aunt Bee.
Verbal communication was never perfect for me. Let's try visual, all right?
[Ike] We're buying the dress.
Now, we'll have this nice beautiful dress.
And anything else she wants, it's hers. Okay? All right?
[Sighs] What do you think?
Hmm?
[Sighs]
You look--
[Sniffs] You look fine.
Fine.
[Clears Throat]
You're reading your newspaper upside down.
That's gotta be better than "fine."
Yeah.
Come on, now. Admire me.
Get the whole picture. Right?
I'm gonna have my hair up somehow.
I don't know. Maybe with a little in the back.
And, my favorite feature...
is that it kind of swishes like a bell when I move.
[Maggie] % Ding, ding %
It works.
Bob will be very happy.
Oh, Bob! We gotta go. We gotta go meet Bob.
Oh, jeez, yeah, I'm goin' to the luau. I never miss it. The barbershop--
Mrs. Pressman, we're ready to order here, I think.
I'm all out of the special--
That's all right. I'm gonna have the garden omelet, egg whites only.
- Okay. - That sounds good. I'll have the same.
Of course.
What is that? I can't even order eggs without sarcasm from you?
[Clears Throat]
- You're on the same team now. - What is that sound?
[Clears Throat] Have some water.
- Penalty box. Penalty box. Hmm? - What is it? Fur ball?
Ike, Maggie is the sweetest person you're ever gonna meet.
But she focuses too much out there.
She needs to start focusing more in here.
That's why I think she's had, uh,
whatever you wanna call 'em-- problems in the past.
And that's what we're working on. Focus.
-Focus. Focus on Maggie. Focus. - Mm-hmm.
Focus on Bob. Focus on Bob.
I've been runnin' Maggie through these visualization exercises.
All the sports shrinks use this head stuff.
Visualize the end zone.
Visualize that hole-in-one.
Tell me. When you get to the altar, do you spike the bouquet?
- Okay, you know what-- - Well, I'm off.
A reporter's work is never done.
See you later. Bye, Mrs. Pressman. Thank you.
I'm gonna go focus on your eggs, Bob.
I'm glad you're here. I wanted to try to explain.
There are reasons why there have been three weddings and no "I do's."
You can't believe how much cake we got stuck with!
It's a wonder I don't weigh 300 pounds!
And then, her father bought all that booze that nobody drank.
- But he didn't mind that-- - Hi, Grandma.
[Makes Kissing Sound] Hi, Netta.
Grammy is giving me the skinny on why you run from marital bliss.
Right. Netta, cover up your ears.
It's not that she's afraid of the wedding.
- She's afraid of the wedding night! - Mmm.
Innocent girls are terrified of the one-eyed snake.
Why, when I was a virgin bride,
I took a knitting needle to bed with me.
Uh-- [Clears Throat]
Grandma, I charmed...
- the one-eyed snake a while ago. - Oh, yeah. I forgot.
Well, I'll tell you one thing. Your grandpa never forgot that wedding night.
Netta, you can take your hands down.
- The tea's cold. - Good.
Could you excuse us for a minute? May I have a word with you, please?
Oh. Bye, Netta. Bye.
Thanks, Grammy.
Uh-- [Clears Throat]
I found this, and I didn't know if it was something interesting.
- My-- This is Miles Davis! - I was cleaning out the attic and--
This is very hard to find in good condition.
- Hold on to this. This is incredible. - Why don't you take it?
- Huh? - Take it.
You're figuring out what kind of music I like, finding me a rare album.
You're not trying to butter me up, are you?
I was cleaning out the attic,
not attempting the impossible.
I smell trouble.
[Car Radio] This is Cory Flemming, and I'll be featuring the music...
of Denise and Da Nephews, tomorrow morning on "Wake up with--"
[Turns Radio Off]
[Ike] What do we got here?
[Maggie] Come on, big guy.
Oh, on our feet. Here we go.
Let's go, let's go, big guy. Yeah.
I haven't had any fun since you got your driver's license.
Let me give you a tip. I haven't been having a whole lot of fun either.
Steady.
- Good boy, Porthole. - His name's Skipper, Dad.
- I changed it. - Ah. Okay, step.
- [Groans] I'll be back later, Travis. - [Scoffs]
- That guy Travis really has a problem. - Mmm.
- I'll get-- - Here we are.
Okay. Steady.
You're gonna lean, I'm gonna push.
Good daughters let their fathers pass out.
Hey, Walter. Right down there.
I, I-- Please, please don't write anything--
Forget about it. Don't even think about it.
I'm just so tired of this whole scene.
Why don't you just let him sleep it off here in the truck?
Come for a ride with me, come back for him later.
Okay.
[Female Singer] % Today %
% We took a walk up the street %
% We picked a flower and climbed the hill %
[Maggie] He's been drinking more and more since my mom passed away.
[Ike] That's when you quit school to come back here?
Yeah. I had to come run the store for my dad.
[Ike] My dad had a small printing business.
He wanted me to become a classical musician.
My mother wanted me to be a novelist.
They were 0-for-two.
More?
So, l, uh-- I became a reporter.
Not quite a novelist. But as we all know,
journalism is literature in a hurry.
% I never saw blue like that before %
% Across the sky %
[Ike] What? What is this?
What kind of gas did you put in here? Diesel?
I don't know. The pump closest to the car.
- [Car Backfires] - Whoa!
This car takes unleaded. Your filter is clogged.
[Ike] Can you fix it?
- I'm gonna need to get some tools. - Oh, good.
Kind of isolated here.
Yeah, it's nice.
[Sighs]
Well, if there's one thing us New Yorkers know how to do,
that's hail a cab.
If there's no cab, we walk.
Uh, well, if we saved the battery here,
there's a place just down the way.
We country girls cut across the field. It's quicker.
Oh, be careful of snakes.
- What? - Snakes.
I don't like snakes.
Walk nice. They won't get ya.
Come on, come on, come on!
What're you-- What're you doing? Snake dance?
I'm scaring the snakes.
- You're scaring me. - [Chuckles] I'm scaring myself.
Do you think there's one right person for everybody?
[Sighs] No, but I think attraction...
is too often mistaken for rightness.
Attraction is very misleading.
- Yes, it is. - Yeah.
- And it doesn't mean anything. - No.
No, no. It doesn't mean anything. It means--
I, uh,
suddenly forgot how to climb a fence.
- Tools. - Tools. Yeah.
- Lionel, do you have tools? - Hey, Maggie!
What're you gonna do? Bust out of another wedding?
[Ike Laughs]
Sure are well-known around here.
[Ike] No, Fish, it's almost done. I swear.
This story's taken a very interesting turn.
I've got one more interview to do in New York. I'll see you later.
[Male Singer] % From my head to my heart %
% Can't seem to find a way They're so far apart %
[Horns Honking]
You could've told me that you were fianc?number three.
And end up in the papers?
I've been humiliated enough already to last a lifetime. Thank you.
I was traveling around,
studying the reproductive and migratory patterns of locusts...
when Maggie met me.
Tell me, George. Why do you think she ran?
Just like you said. What did you call her? A man-eater?
Devouring death goddess. All right?
That's what I said. I don't think that's why she ran.
Why do you think she ran?
I don't know. I'm working on it. I was on the wrong track.
- Are you defending her? - No, no.
I call it like I see it. I'm a journalist. I'm a truth-teller.
- Unbelievable! - What?
She got to you, too, like a moth to a flame.
- Please! -Join the club.
- What are you talking about? - You need this much more than I do.
I am a journalist. I'm doing an article. Look. See? I'm being paid.
This will be published. A cover story. You'll get the all facts in the article.
Do you know what kind of eggs she liked?
Poached, same as me.
[Car Alarm Beeping]
[Fisher] An over priced apartment and Chinese take-out.
That's New York living.
Fisher, don't forget the fortune cookies.
I already read the fortune. You don't wanna know.
He makes me crazy.
Hostility is a very important part of your foreplay, isn't it?
It takes three people to make our marriage work:
him, me and our therapist.
[Laughs]
Ellie, what went wrong?
With us. With the two of us, I mean.
I know it's been a long time. Do you remember?
Yeah. Do I remember? Of course I do.
Is that what-- Did I do the same--
Is that what happened? Did I just... not see you?
No. No, you didn't.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Ellie.
I'm sorry too, Ike.
Wow! That only took us 1 2 years to say.
Hey, I saw that, you cad.
You asked for it, you got it. Here you go.
My dear.
Get your fortune. Let me see what--
"Confucius say, man who leave wife alone with ex-husband may leave altogether."
- [Laughing] - Aha!
- Lights and everything. - Hope it's better than last year.
[Woman Laughing] Or the last ten years.
%[Drums Beating]
[Cheering, Whistling]
[Applauding]
Let's have a hand for our fabulous hula dancers.
There they are. King and Queen!
% [Hawaiian]
Walter, I'm thinking about going back to my maiden name.
Can you still remember it?
What? It's nice, you know.
It's just I haven't seen him in 24 hours, and I would...
feel better if I knew where he was, you see.
[Mr. Trout] Welcome to our annual luau.
- What can I get you? - [Ike] Aloha, Mr. Trout.
Uh, you got something without a toy in it?
% [Electric Guitar]
- [Man] Get down, Sprout. - The next three.
Yeah.
Oh, I'm hearing it here.
Aloha!
It's a very fetching headdress you're wearing.
Where did-- Where did you disappear to?
Missed me bad, huh?
[Betty Trout] And we have a winner right here!
Yeah! All right, Bob!
Well, it's chow time here on the islands,
and we Trouts have prepared our traditional feast, Shrimp Trout.
So let's all meet at the tables.
You're not allergic to shrimp, are you?
- Mmm, no. - Pity.
[Banging]
Attention! Pay attention to Walter.
- Listen closely. He slurs. - [Laughing]
In the tradition...
that has grown over the years, it is now toast time.
First up, our host,
Lou "A Honey of a Beekeeper" Trout.
[Applause]
[Whistles]
May the groom's heart be filled with hope...
and the bride's feet filled with lead.
[Crowd Laughing]
May the pitter-patter of little feet not be Maggie's.
[Crowd Laughing]
- May the gifts be returnable. - [Man] I took mine back.
You know the old saying, "You're not losing a daughter"?
Well, I'd like to.
[Crowd Laughing]
[Walter]Maggie may not be Hale's longest running joke,
- but she is certainly the fastest. - [Mouthing Words]
Good one, Dad.
[Cindy] Walter, maybe Mr. Graham will say something.
Ah, here we are. Would you like to say something, Mr. Graham?
Yeah, just a minute. I don't know yet. You okay?
Come on, Ike. Take a shot at Maggie live. It's more fun than print.
Excuse me?
It's a joke. They're kidding, Ike.
- Yeah, come on. Let's go. - [Banging Cups]
- [Banging Continues] - All right. We'll have a toast!
[All Shouting Agreement]
To Maggie's family and friends.
May you find yourselves...
the bull's-eye of an easy target.
May you be publicly flogged for all of your bad choices,
and may your noses be rubbed in all of your mistakes.
Well, that was funny, but enough toasting. Let's hula!
Everybody! Let's get up and start the band!
We're gonna make a line right down here.
Maggie. Maggie?
[Betty Trout] Lou, where are those hula dancers?
Here. She might need this.
Where'd Maggie go to?
She went to get me something from her car.
- Maybe she needs help. - B-B-B-Bob. Okay.
The guard, who threw the block? Forrest Gregg.
No, Elijah Pitts.
- He's a running back. - The Fridge. Refrigerator Perry?
Maggie?
Hey. Here's a coat.
- Put this coat on. It's cold. - Don't pretend to be a nice person.
I was the only person in there defending you.
You humiliated me!
No, Maggie, I defended you. Humiliating you is what everyone else did in there.
- That is the theme of the party tonight. - No. It was under control.
Now they all feel sorry for me.
They should. They're about to see you hang yourself again.
What do you keep--
Tell me something. Do you really care about Mount Everest?
It's fun. It's high.
Sexual practices of locusts?
[Maggie]Every one of those times I was being supportive.
Not supportive! You weren't being supportive!
You were scared! You were scared then, you're scared now.
You are the most lost woman--
- Lost? - Yes, lost. You're so--
You're so lost, you don't even know what kind of eggs you like.
- Yes. Yes! - What?
That's right. With the priest, you wanted scrambled.
With the Dead Head, it was fried.
With the bug guy, it was poached.
Now it's like, "Oh, egg whites only. Thank you very much."
That is called changing your mind.
No, that's called not having a mind of your own.
Maggie, what are you doing?
You really want that guy up there to drag you...
up Annapurna for your honeymoon?
You do not wanna climb Annapurna!
Yes, I do!
[Sighs]
No, you don't.
You want a man who'll lead you down the beach...
with his hand over your eyes...
just so you can discover the feel of sand under your feet.
You want a guy that'll wake you up at dawn.
He's just bursting to talk to you. Can't wait another minute...
just to find out what you'll say.
Am I right?
Stop it.
I'm getting married on Sunday.
And you are just trying to make me run.
Because you're a cynical, exploitive,
mean-hearted creep...
who wouldn't know real love if it bit him in the armpit.
All you do is... is tear others down,
and laugh at them and criticize what they do...
because you're too afraid to do anything yourself.
I read your columns.
You never once wrote anything about yourself.
I am not the only one that is lost.
And you know it.
Am I right?
[Bob] Mag?
Hey, help me out here.
Green Bay right guard.
Uh, you know, Bart Starr, uh--
- You okay? - Yes.
-%[Drums Beating] - [Clears Throat]
- I'll take you inside. Okay? - Uh-huh.
Okay.
[Maggie] Jerry Kramer.
Jerry Kramer! I started on the Ice Bowl story.
%[Drumming Continues]
Hey, Grandma.
- What's for lunch? - Turkey and cheese.
Honey, your grandmother and l...
are thinking about having a wedding gift museum.
[Chuckles]
- Stop. - What?
Stop. Don't say another word like that.
- Maggie, it was just a joke. - No!
It's humiliating, and it's gone on long enough.
You may not like that you have a daughter with problems.
But guess what.
I don't like that I have a father who's drunk all the time.
I'll eat in my room.
[Cindy] Tell me why Maggie's having another rehearsal,
and two days before the wedding.
She's already done this.
[Peggy] Well, Bob insisted she visualize the ceremony.
Okay, we're ready. You want me to have Ike leave now?
Actually, let's make Ike the pastor.
Uh, I'd rather not.
No, it'll give you a great view. I think it's perfect.
- Hey. - Okay.
Team effort, Pastor Ike.
- He's gonna be the pastor? - Yes. Yes.
Because I want him front and center so he can just see everything.
- Right up there. That's it. - Okay.
- Cindy, foyer. - Okay.
[Exhales]
Ready?
What happened at the luau?
I-- I don't-- I don't wanna talk about the luau, okay?
- What is this? - It's for the bell.
- Bob's in a hurry. - Oh.
- [Bob] Girls! - Okay, Maggie, remember what Bob said.
- Let us visualize. Be the ball. - Sink the putt.
- Make the shot. - Nothin' but net.
- Never say die. - Move your butts.
- [Bob] Girls, where are you? - On our way, Coach.
[Sighs]
The bell. Ooh.
- [Bell Ringing] - Whoa!
- [Ringing Continues] - [Maggie Yelling]
Ooh. Agh!
What's she doing?
She's being the bell instead of the ball.
Sanctuary. Sanctuary.
Mags, you okay?
Anyway--
Oh. [Sniffs]
%[Organ, "The Wedding March"]
At this pace, this could become an evening wedding.
Okay, okay. You know something? It's great.
I think we're taking this a little too fast. You're tensing. You feel it?
Right?
We just need to limber you up for a second. Ike, come here.
You're me. Stand here so she knows how far she's gotta come.
Honey, I'm gonna walk with you. Okay?
Now he's the groom?
Just relax. Remember, visualize.
Visualize. Relax. Limber.
You are the football, spiraling through the air...
-%[Organ Continues] - into the waiting hands of the groom.
I'm spiraling through the air.
I am...
streaking...
toward the... goal line.
[Bob] Keep eye contact. Keep eye contact.
And I land on the goal line.
[Bob] Good. Good.
Okay, I'm the pastor and I say, "Dearly beloved,
"we're gathered here, blah, blah, blah, blah,
"so on and so forth, rat-a-tat-tat, yabba-dabba.
I now pronounce you man and wife."
Kiss the bride. We have the organ crescendo.
That just leads us right on down the aisle.
And we are man and--
% [Organ Stops]
No!
Maggie?
Uh, Mag--
[Laughs]
Okay, okay, okay.
So if you were imagining me, y-you did great.
What the hell were you doing?
Bob, I'm really sorry. She... kissed me back.
- I kissed you back? - Yes, you did. You kissed me back.
Yeah, caught that.
You wanna tell me how long this has been goin' on?
- About a minute. - Longer for me.
Really?
What do you expect me to say to this?
- Hello. - Well, Bob, you could say,
"Well, I hope you two will be really happy together."
I hope you two will be really happy together.
- [Groaning] - Uh, take care of him.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bob! Bob!
Bob, I'm sorry. I-I'm--
At least this time I backed out before the wedding. That's progress.
You are gonna find some woman...
who can make you so much happier than I ever could.
- Look out! - Ooh, see?
See? It's happening already.
- She's good with needy men. - Yeah.
Uh, yeah.
- Well, um... why don't you... - Yeah.
- just call me later. - Okay.
Bob, this may not be a good time, but here's my number.
[Cindy] Drive safely, Bob!
Kid wants to lock up, go home.
[Car Driving Away]
- How's Bob? - Mmm.
- Okay. - [Tires Screeching]
So, what just happened just now?
- Then... in there? - I don't know. I, I, I--
Frankly, I don't even want to talk about it.
Me neither.
Wait, wait, wait. Wait.
- No, no, no. No, wait. Stop. - Mmm? Mmm?
No, no, no, no. We gotta-- We have to talk.
We have to talk. We have to do some talking now, all right?
Just-- Come over here. Pull up a--
- Pull up a rail. - I was enjoying the-- Okay.
All right. Just give me a little space here.
Okay.
All right. [Sighs]
Do you think may--
Well, you do have a dress.
And the church.
And the wedding date.
Then there's the two of us.
Maybe--
You do have to go down the aisle with somebody...
that you love,
- and who loves you back. - Who?
I'm okay with that.
So am l.
[Laughs]
I'm getting married.
Do you do this often?
Well, there's not a lot to do around here.
I just believe he's listening to you.
His hair, any color.
I like his tight butt.
- Grandma. - Well, I do!
I'll see you at the wedding. Right? You're gonna be there, huh?
- Thirty-seven hours. - I didn't miss the first one.
We're gonna spend part of the time here in town 'cause he wants to write a book.
You always wanted to write a novel.
I feel inspired here. I feel like I can write. I wanna write.
Ike is getting married.
Hah! Ooh! Ooh!
Fisher, if you pee on the Persian, I'm gonna kill you.
Hi. It's him. He's on the phone.
- Hi. [Laughs] - Hi.
- What are you doin'? - Nothin'.
Pick that up.
- [Ike] What are you doing? - It's all right.
- Nothin'. - Wow. I see the most beautiful girl.
[Whispers] He can see me.
Bet's up!
Aah! Double jack!
You were trying to cheat! It doesn't work!
[Female Singers] % Get to me magically sure as the sky is blue %
Ah. Oh, my God. [Screams]
I'm the winner! [Laughing]
Now, this is a mature relationship.
% Acting erratically Need you fanatically %
% You get to me magically sure as the sky is blue %
% Baby, I love you %
% Do you love me too %
% Baby, I love you %
[Church Bells Ringing]
[Reporter Dina] Wedding bells are ringing today in Hale, Maryland.
Maggie Carpenter, always a bride, never a bridesmaid, is attempting...
to complete her fourth wedding ceremony.
We'll be back when results are in. Back to you, Jessica.
The turnout for this morning's ceremony is...
usually saved for royalty or movie stars,
but Maggie Carpenter is Hale, Maryland's very own star.
T-shirts here. I got, "Bye, Bye, Bride-ee."
I got, "What Part of 'l Do' Don't You Understand?"
Get your "Runaway Bride" T-shirts here.
Will she or won't she?
That is on the minds of several hundred folks standing here,
not to mention on the mind of groom number four, who is missing in action.
- He's gonna stand me up. - Of course he's gonna come,
because today I saw eight geese flying in a "V"
You with the lucky geese! You always see geese!
Not eight!
- And in a "V" - Eight is better?
- Eight in a "V" Can you imagine? - "V" "V" for, uh--
- Victory? Victory! - Great!
- And... Velcro? - Okay.
Velcro! Stick together!
- Virginal. - No, no.
I-I'm sweaty, I'm nervous. Where are my bags?
- Okay. No. - No bags. Bags are for later.
- Rub your ears. - Rub your ears. That's a great idea.
That's a very good idea. Rub your ears. Cory does that to me sometimes.
- A little "ooo," and you just "whoo." - We do it to the dog.
[Vendor] Get your "I don't think she will" shirt.
These shirts are not sold in stores.
[Excited Chattering]
- Here comes Ike Graham! - Show time.
That's better. It's pretty nice, actually.
- Yeah, it's nice. - He's here!
[Screams] Oh, the ear! Ahh! I see him!
Ike Graham has arrived at church.
[Excited Chattering]
- Is this your first marriage? - Is this your last marriage?
[Male Reporter] Any little Grahams in the future?
[Cory] Oh, he gets whacked!
- All right, okay. - This is such a good sign.
All right! Okay!
Get this-- Who makes this stuff?
- The veil is not attacking you. - Okay, okay.
- Now is the time to calm down. - Yes, okay.
Cause if you don't get calm, we won't get your dress on.
A girl can't get married in flannel.
He's the one. He really is the one.
- [Excited Chattering] - You're not invited.
Go back to New York. Get outta here.
- He's the one! - [Excited Giggling]
He's the one!
We gotta hurry 'cause the Sunday school kids are coming.
- Mrs. Pressman. - There's no microphone.
- Please, put it there. No, no fun. - You're no fun.
I was gonna do this Scorsese thing--
- Whatever. Just do it. Shoot, shoot. - Ike.
Friends! Oh, God!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Thank you. We are friends, aren't we? - Of course we are.
- You'll be my best man. - Good, but I'm not sure I'm the best.
Go see the pastor. He'll tell you what to do.
All right.
If someone will tell me what to do.
Mmm. You always looked great in that suit.
And, Ike?
I'm happy for you, honey.
I have a car out back for you in case she decides to run.
I have an invitation. Lou! He's with me.
You look terrible.
Thanks.
Here.
- Ike, I'm glad it's you. - Really?
I wouldn't want to have found out...
I wasn't the one for her in the fourth quarter.
Well, Coach, any final advice?
Maintain eye contact.
Eye contact. Eye contact. Eye contact.
[Whispering] What have you got going on here?
You wanna look just special for the wedding.
You should thank me and Lou for lending you the wedding car. '63 Buick.
Thank you, Mrs. Trout.
What are you saying? We're practically family.
- How's that there? - My name is Fisher. What's yours?
Nice. Betty. That doesn't want to come out, does it?
- You just pulled a hair from my neck. - There we are.
-Mrs. Trout, please. This is my wedding. -Yes.
Sit down. Thank you. We're starting soon.
- Who was that? - Mrs. Trout.
- He doesn't have a-- - Don't do-- Don't.
I just want that to be able to-- Fold it in the pocket.
- Right in the pocket. - Please! Just go-- [Sighs]
- Good luck, sweet girl. - Oh, thank you, Grandma. I love you.
- I'm really rooting for this one. - Okay, Dad.
[Cory] The place is packed...
with the whole town of Hale on the bride's side,
and with many New Yorkers on the groom's side.
- Is this taken? - No.
I'm Elaine from Manhattan.
- I'm Bob, Maggie's fourth attempt. - I'm sorry.
That's okay. There's a lid for every pot.
And I'm comfortable with Ike.
It's like Jack Dempsey lost his heavyweight title to a New Yorker.
Right. Gene Tunney.
- Whoa. - Spit!
Let's go.
Uh, okay. No sauntering down the aisle. I don't like that.
- Make time. Just get there. Just go. - Fine.
% [Organ]
All rise, please.
% ["The Wedding March"]
The bride is walking down the aisle.
Maggie Carpenter is walking down the aisle.
[Crowd Gasping]
- Oh, she's pausing. - Stay with me.
[Bob] Keep eye contact.
[Relieved Chuckling]
[Pastor] Please be seated. Thank you.
I sneaked in a camera.
We are gathered here today--
Please, no cameras.
Could we hold off photos until the end of the ceremony?
Thank you.
No.
- [Pastor] Where's she going? - [Ike] Don't.
- Maggie! - Block the doors!
No, Maggie, don't!
Oh, never a dull moment at a Maggie wedding.
There's a man coming with lots of candy in his pocket.
If you tickle him, he'll give you all his candy. Here you go, little queen.
- Maggie! -Just tickle him.
- [Children] Give us some candy! - Whoa. No, not me.
Get the naughty bride. Naughty bride.
No, no. It's an Armani suit.
Wait!
- Wait! - Maggie!
Go. Go. Go, go.
Maggie! Maggie!
Don't do it! Don't!
Maggie!
- He's running after her. - He's in pretty good shape too.
Maggie! No, Maggie!
Where do you think she's going?
Wherever it is, she'll be there by 1 0:30 tomorrow.
Maggie! No!
Maggie!
No! No!
Maggie!
Mr. Graham! Mr. Graham!
[Mooing]
- Mr. Graham, what is your next move? - How do you feel now?
- What will you do? - I know you must feel terrible.
[Chattering Continues]
- Mr. Graham, talk to us. - That's enough.
Come on. Leave him alone.
"Hardware Honey Goes Nuts and Bolts."
How many times is she gonna do this?
% Aura Lee %
- % Aura Lee % - [Cory] Finally, in local news,
the mayor has requested that we all stop gossiping about last week's...
Maggie Carpenter "almost wedding."
This is Cory Flemming for W-HALE saying...
may the good Lord make you smart enough to live in a small town.
And we cut.
[Lee] Camera loves ya.
- Hey, you okay? - Yeah.
I'm closing. You wanna go to Butch's for a drink?
Uh, you know, I'm gonna finish up here,
and then I think I'll just head home.
Okay.
You know,
I was thinking about that "V" thing.
And I think the "V" in the geese...
was half of a "W" for--
For, uh--
- W-W-What are you talking about? - Wedding! Wedding.
You just gotta get the rest of your ducks in a row.
Thank you.
- So you still think that he-- - You're quick.
You're very quick.
[Sighs]
[Male Singer] % I thought that %
% You'd be loving me %
% I thought you were the one who'd stay forever %
% But now forever's come and gone %
%And I'm still here alone %
% 'Cause you were only playin' %
% You were only playin' with my heart %
% I was never waiting %
% I was never waiting for the tears to start %
% It was you %
% Who put the clouds around me %
% It was you %
% Who made the tears fall down %
% It was you %
% Who broke my heart in pieces %
% It was you, it was you %
% Who made my blue eyes blue Ooh, ooh %
% I never should've trusted you %
Okay, here we go.
% I thought that I'd be %
% All you need %
% In your eyes I thought I saw my--%
- Ike, how's it goin'? - Hey, Marvin.
That good, huh?
% 'Cause you had me believin' in a lie %
% Guess I couldn't see it %
% I guess I couldn't see it till I saw the light %
% It was you %
% Who put those clouds around me %
% It was you %
% Who made the tears fall down %
% Only you %
- [Phone Ringing] -% Who broke my heart in pieces %
[Answering Machine] Hi, it's me.
Leave a message after the beep. [Machine Beeps]
[Dial Tone]
Hello, Ike.
Don't tell me my doorman is one of your many admirers?
I'm making friends with your cat.
Is it okay that I'm here?
I don't have much choice in the matter, do l?
But, I can't speak for Italics. Traitor.
[Purring]
I don't blame you for being mad.
Or furious.
Irate? Livid.
- [Meowing] - What is it, Maggie?
You here on business?
By the way, I saw your lamps.
They're terrific. Yeah, really.
- It's something I've always wanted to-- - [Door Closes]
You could make breaking and entering into a new career.
So, what are you doing here anyway?
I wanted to talk to you...
about why I run,
sometimes ride, away from things.
- Does it matter? - I think so.
[Clears Throat]
When I was walking down the aisle, I was walking toward somebody...
who had no idea who I really was.
And it was only half the other person's fault...
because I had done everything to convince him...
that I was exactly what he wanted.
So, it was good...
that I didn't go through with it because it would've been a lie.
But you--
You knew the real me.
Yes, I did.
I didn't.
Still, I ended up chasing a truck.
I can't, um, do anything about the truck.
But, uh--
- Benedict. - Arnold.
I love eggs Benedict.
I hate all the other kinds of eggs.
I hate big weddings, everybody staring.
I'd like to get married on a weekday while everybody's at work.
And if I ride off into the sunset, I want my own horse.
- Should I be writing this down? - And there's something else.
No, you can tell me. Don't--
Okay.
These are for you.
- Used-- - Well, they're mine.
I'm turning in my running shoes to you.
This is serious.
And there's one more thing.
I know, the mind reels that there could be more after this.
-But, um, if you could just have a seat. -[Clears Throat]
Let's just not have that there.
Okay. Okay.
- Oh, no. My, God, no. - No, no. Don't hide your face.
This happens once in a lifetime, and it's definitely a first for me.
You're not gonna want to miss it, so pay close attention.
I love you, Homer Eisenhower Graham.
Will you marry me?
[Laughs]
I gotta think about this a little bit.
- Good. I was hoping you would say that. - You were not! Not true.
If you'd said yes, I wouldn't be able to do this next part...
and I've been practicing so let me--
Okay. [Exhales]
- Ready? - I'm listening.
[Sighs]
I guarantee that we'll have tough times.
And I guarantee that at some point...
one or both of us will want to get out.
But I also guarantee...
that if I don't ask you to be mine,
I'll regret it for the rest of my life.
'Cause I know in my heart...
you're the only one for me.
That's a pretty good speech, Maggie.
I borrowed it from this writer I know.
So?
%[Miles Davis]
Dance with me.
[Pastor] We are gathered here today to celebrate the union...
of Maggie Carpenter and Ike Graham.
- Do you have the rings? - Yes.
Do you, Ike, take Maggie to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I do.
Do you, Maggie, take Ike to be your lawfully wedded husband?
I do.
[Pastor] In this life that you share together,
may your individuality strengthen your love.
With the power vested in me,
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
[Applauding]
Guess what. She did it!
Maggie Carpenter got married.
% Alleluia %
[Cheering]
Betty, she did it. She did it!
[Female Singer] % I need love, love %
-% To ease my mind % - Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
% I need to find, find Someone to call mine %
% But Mama said You can't hurry love %
% No, you just have to wait %
%She said love don't come easy %
% It's a game of give and take %
% I can't hurry love No, you'll just have to wait %
% You gotta just give it time no matter how long it takes %
% But how many heartaches must I stand %
% Before I find a love to let me live again %
% Right now the only thing that keeps me hangin' on %
% When I feel my strength Yeah, it's almost gone %
% I remember Mama said %
% No, you'll just have to wait %
% She said love don't come easy It's a game of give and take %
% How long must I wait How much more can I take %
% Before loneliness will cause my heart, heart to break %
% I can't hurry love No, you'll just have to wait %
%She said just give it time %
% No matter how long it takes Gotta wait %
[Male Singer] % Girl I live for how you make me feel %
%So I question all this being real %
% 'Cause I'm not afraid to love %
% For the first time I'm not afraid of love %
% Oh, this day seems made for you and me %
%And you showed me what life needs to be %
%And you sang to me %
% Oh, you sang to me %
%All the while you were in front of me %
% I never realized %
% I just can't believe I didn't see it in your eyes %
% I didn't see it I can't believe it %
% Oh, but I feel it %
% When you sing to me %
% How I long to hear you sing beneath the clear blue skies %
% And I promise you this time I'll see it in your eyes %
% I didn't see it I can't believe it %
% Oh, but I feel it %
% When you sing to me %
%[Drumming]
[Male Singer] % Where were you on our wedding day %
% I got bad news that you went away %
% Where were you on our wedding day %
% You did me wrong and now you must pay %
-% Whoa-oo % - [Chorus]% Whoa-oo %
-% Give me back my ring, whoa-oo % -% My ring, whoa-oo %
-% Whoa-oo % -% Whoa-oo %
-% I ain't gonna let you keep a thing % -% A thing %
% Where were you when I said "I do" %
% Everybody laughed and my in-laws too %
% Where were you when I turned around %
%Some place you knew you never could be found, whoa-oo %
% Whoa-oo %
-% Give me back my ring, whoa-oo % -% My ring, whoa-oo %
-% Whoa-oo % -% Whoa-oo %
-% I ain't gonna let you keep a thing % -%A thing %
[Female Singer] % Mmm-mmm-mmm %
% My heart %
%Says we've got something real %
% Can I trust the way I feel %
% 'Cause my heart's been fooled before %
%Am l%
%Just seeing what I want to see %
% Or is it true %
% Could you really be %
%Someone to have and hold %
% With all my heart and soul %
% I need to know %
% Before I fallin love %
% Someone who'll stay around %
% Through all my ups and downs %
% Please tell me now %
% Before I fallin love %
% It's been so hard for me %
% To give my heart away %
% But I would give my everything %
% Just to hear you say %
% Someone to have and hold %
% With all my heart and soul %
% Please tell me now %
% Before I fall in love %
% Ooo-ooo-ooo %
% Before I fall in love %