You're listening to KMPC 710 in Los Angeles.
coast-to-coast talk program.
the film critic of the New York Post.
Give me the modus operandi of Rex Reed.
in a crowded theater
because I like to see, I like to be fresh.
preferably all alone,
packed movies houses at night
with all the secretaries from the film company
to scream and yell.
at an opening night.
that which Mel Brooks told me
watching a comedy...
to remind me that I should be laughing.
to mass hysteria anyway.
we're ready to go to your phone calls.
your forthrightness is refreshing
it cracks me up.
You usually agree with me.
into a lot of trouble sometimes though.
- Really?
I can go and see...
uncomfortable or be embarrassed.
so you know where I'm coming from.
- All right.
thoughtful, clean movies again ever?
the imagination can do so much more
that I saw growing up
that I've seen today.
with Gary Cooper and Patricia Neal.
- Linda?- All she did was just look at him.
- Linda?
their clothes off at all!
You sleeping?
Yeah.
Maybe we shouldn't move.
Oh, God. What's the matter now?
Nothing. It's just time to ask these questions.
We sold our house. We should have asked these questions before.
All right, well, then I can't talk to you, so good night.
Stop it. You're just nervous about tomorrow.
You'll get the promotion, we'll move into the new house and we'll be happy.
Okay?
You should hear your voice. It just fills this room with excitement.
Well, I'm tired. Now stop questioning.
We made a wise decision. Now let's feel good about it. All right?
All right. Okay. Good night.
Good night.
Why that house?
- What? - I think it's too close to here.
It's gonna feel like the same neighborhood. Maybe we should have moved far away.
We needed more space, and that house has more space.
No, I know, but the purpose of a house is more than space.
We could've rented a locker.
Also, we didn't get a tennis court.
We don't play tennis.
We don't have a court. If you have a court, you learn.
Okay, well, possibly someday we'll have a court and we'll learn.
- All right. - Okay?
- Can I ask you something else? - What?
How come we let the moving company pack for us?
- What? - Don't you think we should've done it ourselves?
- Maybe we're just being irresponsible. - You know, I don't believe you.
One minute you're talking about a tennis court.
The next minute you're worried about the moving company packing a box.
My God. Sometimes I wish we were a little more irresponsible.
- What does that mean? - Nothing.
Look, just get some sleep. You'll feel better.
Don't assume how I'm feeling.
What do you mean, you wish we really were irresponsible?
You think we're too responsible?
Well, yeah, sometimes I think we're a bit too controlled, yeah.
Really? You do? We're too controlled?
How do you go out and buy a $450,000 house and get all the things you want,
and maids and servants and everything else, and not be controlled?
What are you talking about?
What difference does it make? I'll go sleep in the garage.
Don't do that!
Why not? I'm responsible. I should be guarding the car.
You're insane!
That's right. That's it.
I'm insane and responsible. This is a potent combination.
Look, I'm not gonna sleep in the garage. What am I doing? I'm not an animal.
- What? - I am not an animal.
Come on. Come to bed.
I apologize.
But don't call me names. Okay?
What names?
Calling me responsible is calling me what? Old or stodgy or stuffed up?
I know what you mean.
I'm doing the very best I can. I don't know what else to do.
And also, you're not the most irresponsible person in the whole world.
Look at your job. Personnel Director is like in a Nazi camp.
If you hire one person they don't like, they fire you.
So how much freedom do you have?
You're upset. I'm sorry I used that word.
After tomorrow, everything is gonna be better. I'm positive. Don't you think so?
You always say that.
Yeah, I know, but for... for eight years it's been one way.
I've been this employee.
And then tomorrow I'll get this promotion and that's it.
I mean, I'll have stock in this agency.
That makes me responsible. Genuinely responsible.
So I can fool around now. Now I can be irresponsible.
I'm in a position of responsibility. Do you know what I mean?
- Yeah, I guess so. - Okay.
- Good night. - Good night.
Linda?
How are you?
Well, I'm flattered.
No. No!
That's more!
Hey, come over to our new house and we'll barbecue.
Let's celebrate this.
Sure!
Ribs, fish, I don't care. Anything.
Did you ever barbe... Yeah?
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
Well, I'm on my way to meet Mr. Taft. Can you be there in 20 minutes?
No, no, I can't pick tile out this morning. Come on. This is the biggest day of my life.
- But we said we were gonna do this together. - I can't do it.
- I think it's important. - And I can't do it.
- You're in the kitchen more than I am. - I don't think about anything in the kitchen.
- Come on. It's your kitchen. You'll do fine. - All right, fine, fine.
- All right, now we're angry. - No, I'm not. Good luck.
- You'll get your promotion. - Now, think about this.
- I... Good luck. - Okay.
How are you?
Good morning. Ross & McMahon.
Yes. I'll connect you.
- Good morning, Sylvia. - Good morning.
Ross & McMahon.
- Hi. Are you Bob? - Bob? No.
Sorry.
Well, I thought it was rude. Gotta go. Bye.
- Good morning. - How are you?
Good. Your meeting's in 45 minutes.
- I'm very nervous. - You look great.
- You do too. - Thank you.
Listen, no calls at all. I really want to be alone.
- All right? - Oh, all right.
- Get me the Mercedes place. - Okeydoke.
Yeah?
- Hi! - Hi.
So, is it beautiful?
- What? - The kitchen. What does it look like?
I chose an orange tile.
- Orange. - Yeah, burnt orange.
Sounds pretty.
Patty, would you close the door?
Okay.
What's the matter?
I'm gonna hate this house.
What are you talking about?
This morning after the contractor left, I was all alone.
I sat in the middle of the living room floor. I got so sad, you know.
A preview of the next ten years. I just started shaking.
I don't like anything anymore.
I don't like my life, I don't like my house, I don't like anything.
- What do you mean? - Nothing's changing.
I'm not. David's not. We've just stopped. Life's just going by.
You know, he genuinely believes that this promotion is gonna change everything.
But, you know, he believed that every single promotion, and it never does.
Things are always the same. Back to the same.
Yeah, but maybe this time it will change.
- If it won't? - Then it won't.
Then you get divorced. I don't know. Whatever you gotta do.
- This is Hans. Hold on, please. - Gee, I've been holding most of the morning.
Thank you, dear. Okay, thank you very much. Ja, this is Hans.
- Hans. - Ja?
- David Howard. - How are you, David?
- Okay. Listen. - Ja.
I'm closing in on a decision.
- Good. - I think the beige is the best interior.
Good interior there.
And I think with the dark brown, that's... that's the best combination.
That's the most beautiful combination on the lot.
All right, so tell me again.
Everything. Everything. Tax, license, out the door, in my garage.
Okay, I don't know where your garage is, but it's $44,420.
All right?
That's a lot of money for a car, isn't it?
It's not a car, Mr. Howard. It's a Mercedes. And that's the truth.
No, I know it's a Mercedes, but it's just still a lot of money.
Well, maybe you shouldn't buy the car then. Get a Nova.
- Okay. - Okay!
Now, there's no extras, right? That's it? That's everything?
I don't imagine at that price I'd have to add.
Now, just leather. That's all you'd have to add. Nothing else.
- Really? - Ja.
- It doesn't come with leather? - No, sir, it does not.
- That's why I told you you'd have to add it. - Well, what's in there?
Well, it's what they call Mercedes leather.
- What would that be? - Well, it's a very thick vinyl.
- Beautiful seat. I would prefer that. - So let's call it that then.
Fine. Beautiful, thick vinyl seat. But I have it.
Gee, isn't that something? Wouldn't you think there'd be leather in there?
I'll tell you what. If you buy the car, I'll put some shoes in it. Okay?
- Okay. - All right. So...
Well...
- All right, sir. Thank you. - Thank you.
- And we'll see you when? Tomorrow night? - Well, I don't know.
I'm gonna think about it, talk about it with my wife. It's a pretty big decision.
Let's set a day now. How about Friday morning?
I don't think I can commit to any day right now. Certainly not this week.
Well, we'll lose the car, you know. I have stars coming in. They're looking at the car.
Let me just call you back. All right.
- I can't promise you the car'll be here. - Hold on a second. I'm being buzzed.
- Yeah. - Hi. It's time for your meeting.
Okay. I got Hans on the phone here. He's coming in for the kill.
- You wanna help me out? - Oh, no.
Okay.
Oh, God.
No, he can call you back.
- Good luck. You got it. - This is it.
I understand.
But it's really impossible right now. I can call you back.
Hold, please.
- Good morning. - Hi.
- Go on in. He's expecting you. - Thanks.
- Good luck. - Thank you.
Hey, David.
Say hi to Brad Tooley. Brad, David Howard.
David.
Brad just joined the agency in the East.
One of the top men at Doyle Dane. He's fantastic. We're lucky to get him.
I got two of the best men in modern advertising right here.
- Right? - Yeah.
Brad was blown away by your stuff.
- Right, Brad? - Very impressive.
The Knudsen campaign was one of the best I've ever seen. Ever.
Thank you.
Brad has joined the agency for a very special reason.
We're gonna get Ford.
No.
I can't believe it! Ford?
Trucks too.
Jesus! So this makes us, like, the biggest agency in the world!
Puts us at the top of the heap.
I can't believe this. What a week for all of us. This is great!
Now, David...
Don't say it. As senior vice president, I'm here 24 hours a day.
Don't even worry. I'm yours. I'll live on this floor.
You're much too valuable to be senior vice president.
But I do want you to move to New York and work under Brad.
You two are gonna be in charge of Ford.
You're gonna have to hurry though. You start in two weeks.
- God, I'm sorry. I didn't hear... - You start in two weeks.
Wait. No, no, no. But there was much too much information.
I'm senior vice president, and then I just got lost.
No, no, I've hired Phil Shubano as senior vice president.
Oh, no, no. No. You couldn't.
I don't understand.
- I'm senior vice president. - No, Phil Shubano is senior vice president.
- Then what am I? - Hey.
He's giving you quite a compliment.
I asked him for the best man he had and he didn't hesitate for a moment.
I... He didn't?
I don't want to go to New York.
I should get the position I deserve instead of just being shifted to another account.
Another account? This is not just another account.
- Well, I understand... - It's Ford.
I know it's Ford. I'm... I'm...
You have to keep your promise to me.
- I didn't make you any promises. - Oh, yes, you did. No, no.
We had lunches over and over, many years in a row.
And you were grooming me for senior vice president.
I was here longer than Phil Shubano. I've been with the company eight years now.
Phil has been here nothin'. He's been here less than two.
Quite frankly, he's not as clever as you. He's more of an executive type.
I need you creatively.
Well, that explains it then.
By being extra clever and being here longer I get shifted to just another account,
and he, because of his low intelligence and short time with the company,
gets this job I've been waiting my whole life for!
You keep referring to this as just another account.
It's not. It's Ford.
Is somebody bursting in here and saying surprise?
You did this to me before. I hate you for this.
Goddamn it, Paul. You caught me again.
Who is bursting in here? Who is doing it?
Nobody's bursting in here. And I'm offering you something very big.
I'm going to New York?
Paul, maybe you should tell him about the campaign. That'll help.
We have the rights to New York, New York.
Brad, don't. Not now.
Listen to this, David.
When I was on the plane, I was thinking about this.
It should go something like...
Killer stuff.
I don't want to hear this.
Brad, shut up! Would you, please?
Now, listen to me. I must get what I deserve.
This is completely unfair. I have been here too long a time.
Please. Make me senior vice president. Then I'll do what you want.
- You can't do this to me. - My God. I thought you'd be thrilled.
Thrilled? If it's so thrilling, why don't you go to New York? I'll stay here.
Come on. I'll take you to the airport. I got a car. Here we go. Airport.
Don't talk to me like that. I come from New York.
Yes, I know, and you don't want to go back there
because as soon as you land, people steal everything you've got.
Now, I resent that. That's a cliché. New York is the greatest city there is.
Shut up, Brad.
Your song stunk, I hate your suit, and I could hurt you.
- David, that's enough. - No, I haven't started yet.
Let's just pretend a giant mistake was made, all right?
Now, I'll become senior vice president, and I'll get what I deserve,
and I'll work on Ford and I'll do a great job.
And now let's bring in Allen Funt and end this thing!
The position is filled.
Well, fuck you!
That's it. Get out and stay out.
Do you know I spent the week calling my friends, asking them if they thought I'd get this.
All of them told me I was the best man. Everyone said, don't worry. Everyone.
Nobody would listen to me when I said, I don't think so.
They all said, you're the best man. Obviously they're right. I'm the best man.
Phil Shubano's the groom!
There I am, standing next to Phil, watching his life come true.
Look, I know you're upset, and I can appreciate it.
And I'm gonna forget what you said a few minutes ago.
I'm sure you don't wanna blow eight years with this company.
Fuck you.
Paul, I don't think I can work with this man.
- I think I'll go back to the hotel. - Brad, just relax. I can't either.
- David, you're fired. - Fired?
Oh, I'm fired.
Oh, this is great.
How dare you!
I want my eight years back!
I've wasted my youth for you. I'm wasted! I'm over!
Come on. I want 'em back. I'm gonna stand in this office until you give them back to me.
Better than that, I'm gonna start taking things home with me.
I want your clock. Right behind you. Give me that clock.
- Get me Security, please. - Oh, he's calling the cops. I can't believe it.
- Right now. In my office. Right away, please. - I can't believe it!
- Call Security. - I think I'll go and get a bite to eat.
- I'll call you later. - I can't believe it.
You're making a big mistake.
You don't even know me, you bald-headed fart!
Okay, that's enough! Goddamn it, David, sit down!
Just listen to me.
I used to make fun of my friends in college who went out to find themselves.
I took the business route, so I wind up here.
I can't believe it. What do I get? I get a transfer!
After all these years I get a transfer!
I can get that at a bus stop right now! I don't need any qualifications!
Oh, by the way, our hairpiece secret is off.
- Yes, sir? - Would you escort Mr. Howard out, please.
- Yes, sir. - He does not have to escort me out.
I leave on my own, gratefully. It's all right. I leave gratefully!
But before I do, the people in this office ought to know what went on here today!
Don't have lunch with this man!
Be very careful! He'll want to take you to lunch! Don't do it!
He'll tell you all about the future, how good the future's gonna be here.
I've seen the future! It's a bald-headed man from New York!
No, you know, maybe you should talk to Cindy about that. Yeah.
Yeah, she knows more about it than I do.
Well, maybe 3:15?
Okay. Bye-bye.
- Quit. - What?
- Quit your job. - What? Quit my job?
- I did. You do it. - You quit your job?
Well, I didn't really quit, but I got fired. But it was the same thing.
Linda, you were right.
No more responsible David. I'm free.
I was responsibly blind, honey. I was a dead man.
Well, I would've never used that word if I knew you were gonna take it so literally.
- I didn't mean anything by it. - I'm giving you credit for saving my life.
But it was just a word.
Linda, they were jacking me off!
They were jacking me off.
I was on the road to nowhere.
- Do you know the road? - No.
It's a nowhere road. It goes nowhere.
- You're on it. You don't know it? - No!
It's a nowhere road. It just goes around in a circle.
It's the carrot on the stick and the watch when you're 70.
Who was made senior vice president?
I don't care anymore about school senior vice president or vice president.
I'm sick of being programmed like a stupid robot.
- Phil Shubano! - Why?
Phil Shubano! I don't know why! The under-qualified son of a bitch!
I'll tell you why. Because life isn't fair. But you know what'll happen? It'll balance out.
He'll buy that boat I've had to look at in that stupid catalog for three years,
and he'll crash in Catalina and die and seals will eat him!
- Come on, now. You like Phil. - So what? I'm just telling what might be.
Fine. He won't die, and he won't be eaten.
But he'll never find his way back to the mainland.
Linda, quit. I'll wait right here.
- I can't quit now. - Yes, you can.
- No, I can't. - I did!
I know, but even if I wanted to, my boss isn't here. There's no one I can quit to.
Well, it's time to get out. We have to touch Indians.
We have to see the mountains and prairies and the whole rest of that song.
Let's make love right now. I want to have sex with you right here, right now.
- Honey, there are people out, please. - Please? Please?
We can do it later at home. We can do it later. Later, okay?
- We don't have any spontaneity. You're right! - Later.
Two responsible people, they can't have sex here? Why not?
- It's a room with a ceiling. Come on. Please. - We'll have it later!
All right, fine. There's some people you fuck in front of and some people you don't.
We'll find the ones and we'll fuck the rest of our lives in front of them.
Linda, we're free. Quit right now. Quit right now. Come on, quit.
- I can't quit my job. - Quit right now. Come on.
- No, I can't quit now. - All right, fine. I'll wait outside.
No, I... Look, my boss isn't here. I wanna... Let's talk about this tonight, later.
- All right. I'm hyper. I'm on this high. - Okay, we can...
But it's real! It's real!
- Okay, fine. Yeah. - At home.
All right, I got things to do. I'll talk to you tonight. All right?
Oh, I love you so much. One last chance. A little quickie?
- Little quickie? Come on! - Oh, my...
Here's a three-bedroom ranch on two and a half acres.
Honey. Immaculate condition. With a hearth.
- $55,000? - Oh, God, that's really pretty.
- Two-story... - Country living.
Excellent farmhouse. 129,000.
Four bedrooms, two and a half acres, a pond.
A pond?
$49,000. Come on. Look at that.
- That's better looking than this house! - Oh, wait a minute. Look at this.
Five acres in Connecticut. $80,000. How can that be?
Because it's there. Isn't that amazing?
If our new house was there, it would be $200,000 at most.
We'd pay half of what we're paying. Half.
Look at this. This.
Two-family, great village, barn. $55,000.
Look at that house. Look at this house.
- That's a usable attic. - Look at that. It's beau...
When was the last time you've seen a usable attic in California?
That's a usable attic. It's a room with a window.
We have a fan up there now and a mouse.
Wait, there's a lighthouse here. An actual lighthouse. Look at that.
Oh, God, look at that. Let's see. Two bedrooms, a kitchen, a playroom.
- How do you put all that into a lighthouse? - I have no idea. You go there and ask 'em.
Now listen. This is what I've been doing all afternoon.
It makes sense to me. Tell me what you think.
Here it is. This is everything we have.
We got a ride on the inflation train that you would not believe.
In 1978 we bought this house for $150,000.
If we sell our house and don't put it back into a behemoth,
we have $140,000 of profit.
I know. It's amazing.
It's money we never were gonna see 'cause we were gonna put it back into the other house.
Now, if we pull out of the new house, we'll lose $15,000 in escrow.
Best $15,000 we'll ever spend, I promise you.
$125,000 left.
We liquidate everything.
Stocks, your father's bonds, 42,000.
The minimum... Minimum for both cars 16,500, I figure.
I'm being very conservative.
Very conservative liquidation leaves us $190,000 in cash.
- No. - Yes.
- We couldn't. - I'm telling you.
- $190,000 in cash! - I don't believe it!
Now all we need is a motor home.
And we should get a great one, 'cause we're gonna live there for the rest of our lives.
What do you think a motor home costs?
Guess who went motor home shopping?
Hi, friends. Motor homes for sale.
45,000 complete, for a great one.
Thirty feet long, a bedroom, a bath, a kitchen, a microwave that browns, a little TV.
Beautiful. Beautiful!
Better than our new house. It has wheels too. Okay?
Now, that leaves us $145,000 in cash!
- God. - Now, play devil's advocate.
Can't you live 20 years on $145,000 if you're living out of a motor home
and just eating and painting and writing books?
I mean, this is what we talked about when we were 19.
Remember? We kept saying, let's find ourselves.
But we didn't have a dollar, so we watched television instead.
Linda, this is just like Easy Rider, except now it's our turn.
I mean, we can drop out and we can still have our nest egg.
I just think that's unheard of.
And if we get as far as Connecticut and we like one of those farmhouses,
maybe we'd have enough money to put a down payment on one?
Oh, we can buy the lighthouse and the Cape Cod pond.
And still have money left over.
What's the matter? Why are you crying?
We really can do anything we want, can't we?
Who's stopping us?
Nobody.
Florida! I'm getting Florida!
I'm gonna miss you so much.
Ladies and gentlemen, could I have your attention, please?
Hey, Ray!
I'd like to make a toast.
To our beautiful friends, David and Linda Howard.
Good luck.
- Linda! Linda! - Thank you.
Good luck? He's a man of no words.
This is a real nice evening to be here with you folks.
I do have an announcement that I would like to make.
Although we have no destination
and we're going to be roaming around the country forever,
there is one place we're gonna stop at first,
and that's Las Vegas, Nevada.
- Really? - Yes, really.
Because I would like to, if she will have me,
remarry my lovely wife.
Try this out.
Does it fit?
- We're both nervous. - Oh, I know.
I'm drunk. You might be nervous.
Ooh, that's nice.
An 80-year-old woman helped me pick this out.
But I couldn't tell what she was pointing to.
I think it was that one. I hope so.
So let me make a toast. See if I can top Ray's toast.
All right, Ray.
To our wonderful friends. We will miss you.
Thanks for being our friends, and we'll think of you.
Thanks for giving us this party.
To you, thanks for remarrying me.
And good luck with me.
And to America,
look out, here we come.
- Hey, sweetie? - Yeah?
Come up front. We're crossing the city line. Come on.
Okeydokey.
- Hurry. This is historic. - Okay, okay.
God, this is a great kitchen.
- Melted cheese. - Oh, boy.
- Microwave? - Yeah.
- How long did this take? - Twenty-eight seconds.
- Including the browning time? - Everything. Isn't that great?
Good browning element.
I've never really tasted melted cheese until now.
I mean, really tasted it. Tastes good.
I love our new kitchen.
The further we get from LA, the better it tastes.
You know something?
I'm nervous, but I can't wait to marry you.
I just can't wait. I really think that I'm just carried away by this, I guess.
Me too.
Clara says the Silver Bell Chapel is the cutest one.
Oh, I like that name.
We'll get there at 10:30...
- Do it... - Yeah?
- And then we're on our way. - Oh, boy!
Las Vegas, here we come!
- Bright enough for you? - Yeah, it's great!
Look at those bells.
This is exciting.
I like it. Let's go.
- Aren't you tired? - I'm excited.
- I think we should do this tomorrow. - We're here. Let's do it now.
I think we should do it tomorrow. We'll both be up, and we'll be fresh.
We should get married at the crack of dawn.
All right. Okay, great idea.
We'll go out, we'll camp out under the stars, we'll come back,
we'll be the first couple of the new day.
Ooh, great. Let's do it. Let's go.
- Are you sure we want to camp out tonight? - Yeah. You don't want to camp out?
Well, why don't we make this like a real, old-fashioned honeymoon.
Let's go to the best hotel,
get a honeymoon suite and just celebrate our heads off.
We don't want to stay in Las Vegas. This represents everything we left.
This is the worst money-grubbing place in the world.
Yeah, I know, but just tonight, wouldn't it be fun to have room service,
make love in a big bed and watch porno movies and...
Wouldn't that be fun?
Porno movies?
We want to touch Indians.
We will, but just tonight and that's it. Never again.
We can take a bath together in one of those big tubs.
- You want to bathe together? - Yeah.
Actually, we haven't taken a bath together in a long time, have we?
Will this make you happy?
It's yours.
- How are you? - Good evening.
My wife and I have dropped out of society and we were gonna spend the night...
- Just ask him for the room. - This is the way I do it.
We were going to spend the night kind of camping out and sleeping out under the stars,
but we're getting remarried tomorrow and we want something real special,
so the best bridal suite.
Do you have a reservation?
Well, I just dropped out of society. I kind of live moment to moment.
I really don't do reservation things anymore.
Well, we do, and I'm sorry, but the bridal suite is occupied.
- Well, we tried. - The bridal suite isn't occupied.
- He just told me it was. He just said it was. - It isn't occupied. Give him some money.
- I don't wanna give him money. - We'll get the bridal suite.
- How much do I give him? - Fifty dollars.
- How do you know? - Just give him the money.
- All right. - Okay.
I'll tell you what. I've worked with computers in college.
And I know that sometimes they're complicated machines.
Why don't you just run it through one more time, and who knows?
I think I know what you mean. I'll just check.
Nope. It's occupied.
- No. - Give him some more money.
- I just gave him 50 bucks. - Well, give him some more.
I'm gonna give him all my money, he doesn't give me the thing.
Give him some more. We want the bridal suite.
- I'm not gonna... - Come on. Just give him some more.
Okay?
Listen, I'm not good at this.
I don't get good seats at games.
And I've never gotten a ringside table, and it's something I don't know how to do.
So just to save time, how much do you want?
- A hundred dollars. - All right.
Georgie! We're gonna take a spa! Come on with us!
Oh, my God. Wait a minute.
I think this is a mistake.
We paid for a suite. So does this open up?
Junior bridal suite.
- What? - Junior bridal suite.
I gave a guy a hundred bucks to get the best bridal suite in the house.
Is there a senior bridal suite?
I don't know.
- But I gave him $100. - I don't know.
Can I get into this room? Is there a big living room that goes here?
- I don't know. - Okay.
Do you think there'd be a way to get one large heart mattress?
- I don't think you can push those together. - I don't know.
- Not at all? - I don't know.
Thanks for the help.
What do you think?
I think if Liberace had children, this would be their room.
I'm gonna check out the bathroom.
Cute little hearts.
Nice bath?
- There's no tub. - None?
No. There's just a tiny heart-shaped shower.
There goes the bath fantasy, honey.
We've got porno movies and room service.
Why don't we go out and see a show and have some dinner.
Let's stick to our plan. We're gonna eat in this room and be out at dawn. Please.
Okay. Well, I'm gonna take a nice, hot shower.
- Okay. - It's gonna be fun.
Sweetie?
Let's get married.
Sweetheart?
Linda?
Hard eight!
- Eight! Winner, eight. - Yeah!
Five again. Double up on five, double up on four.
Thank you.
Hey. You can't come in the casino dressed like that.
I saw Electric Horseman. An animal rode through here with lights on it.
Twenty-six!
Come on back to me, 22. Come on back to me. Come on back.
Come on, 22, 22, 22. Come on back. Come on back. Come on back.
Twenty-two! Come on! Come on, come on, 22!
What are you doing? What's the matter with you?
Not now, not now. Just go away.
- How long have you been down here? - Root for me. We're going for 22.
- Twenty-two, twenty-two, twenty-two. - Twelve.
- How much did you lose? - Shit! God. Shit.
- How much was that? - Shit.
- How much money is that? - All right, one more time, 22.
- Why are you betting 22? - Big chip 22. Big chip 22.
- We gotta talk. - Come on back to me, 22.
Just come on back.
She's been here all night.
She's not on a lucky streak. I think you should talk to her.
- How much has she lost? - Talk to her.
- How much? - Talk.
- Come on back. Come on back. - The man says you're not on a lucky streak.
- What man? - Right over here. He says you've lost.
- I was down earlier. - And you're up now?
- No, I'm still down, but I'm gonna hit. - How down are you?
- David, you're gonna bring me bad luck. - He says you've already got bad luck.
Twenty-two! Twenty-two! Come on! Twenty-two!
Yes! Yes!
- Yes! Twenty-two! - All right! All right!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry! All right! How much?
- Thirty-five dollars. - We're up! We're up!
- We're still down. - How down?
- Down! Twenty-two. Down! Twenty-two. - How down?
- How down is she? - Down.
Come on, 22.
- How down are you? - Down. Down.
- How much have you lost? - Everything.
- What does that mean? - Everything!
Everything on 22, and make it happen for me.
Why the hell are you betting all that on one number?
- Come on back to me, 22! - Where did you get that number?
- Stop betting 22! - Double zero.
- Shit. - You lost.
- It's gone. - Twenty-two!
- What do you mean, everything? - Twenty-two-two-two!
You have no more money. Stop it. There's no more money there. Stop it!
She really likes 22, huh?
- Stop it! Come here! - Twenty-two-two!
- I'm gonna hit on 22! - Stop it! You're not there anymore!
- Good morning. May I help you? - We just... That's fine.
Sit here. Sit here.
What happened?
At 2:30 this morning this man said I was up $100,000.
$100,000? Where the hell do you start gambling that kind of money?
It was more chips than I've ever seen. They were all over the place.
- You wouldn't have believed it. - You had no chips when I came downstairs.
- I know, but I can get them back. - Stop it.
The cash we had with us in the room, you took that?
Yes.
- You cashed your personal checks? - Yes.
- You didn't touch the traveler's checks. - Yes.
- No. - Yes.
- The core of the nest egg? - Yeah.
- How much is left of the nest egg? - Nothing.
Well, give or take a thousand.
Give or take a thousand?
Yeah.
Oh, God!
- I can't believe it. - Sweetheart. Listen. Listen.
It's like a Twilight Zone.
But I never had this feeling before.
There were people standing around, rooting and cheering.
It was like being on another planet. I didn't care. I didn't need anything.
I didn't have any problems. Do you know what that feels like?
Why didn't you tell me when we got married
that you were this horrendous, gambling-diseased person?
Why didn't you tell me? Don't you think that's fair that I could've decided?
It's like a venereal disease. You tell someone about this.
- I've only gambled twice. - Twice?
- This is the second time. - I can't believe it.
I can't believe it. I can't believe it.
What did I do? Why did this happen? What did I do?
- You don't understand... - Just a minute. I'm tracing my life.
What did I do?
Okay, we can do something. There's something that can be done.
There's something that has to be done. Let me think.
Let me just think.
If you pick up a keno card, I'll kill you.
I'll kill you.
All right, listen to me. You stay right here.
I'm gonna go talk to somebody. I think I can get our money back.
Just stay here.
Don't move. I'll be right back. But stay here.
Stay!
- Why are you treating me like an animal? - I'll tell you later. Just stay!
How are you feeling?
If it's okay, I need to talk to you privately somewhere.
- Come on upstairs. - All right.
- How are you? - I'm fine.
Thank you for seeing me. I've heard a lot about you.
What do you mean? Who were you talking to?
I meant nice things.
You have a good reputation. You run a great casino.
Thank you. Is your wife feeling better?
Much better.
I'm gonna present you with an idea.
And before I do, I just wanna fill you in on a little bit of my credentials.
I was creative director for Ross & McMahon.
- You're familiar with them? - No.
One of the biggest advertising agencies in the world. In the whole world.
I was creative director on the West Coast,
so when I say I have an idea...
You know, I'm not a jerk who walked in off the street. It's my business.
My wife and I have dropped out of society.
And we really just...
We're gonna roam across the country and find ourselves.
Just like they did in Easy Rider.
Easy what?
Easy Rider. The film?
- Oh, I didn't see that film. - Great movie. You gotta see it.
It's historic.
Anyway, my wife and I, we liquidated.
We put everything into this nest egg
and we were gonna spend the rest of our lives roaming the country, finding ourselves,
just just being.
We lost our nest egg here.
I realize you lost a lot of money.
Your room and your food, comped. Free.
Oh, oh, no. No, no, no, no. I didn't mean that.
That's not what I meant.
All right, I'm gonna tell you this idea now.
And please be secretive.
Because if another hotel hears about this, they'll take it. This is my business.
As the boldest experiment in advertising history,
you give us our money back.
- I beg your pardon? - Give us our money back.
Think of the publicity!
The Hilton Hotel has these billboards all over Los Angeles
where the winners of these slot machine jackpots, their faces are all over LA.
And I know that works!
I've seen people at corners look up and say, maybe I'll go to the Hilton.
Well, you give us our money back.
I don't even know now, 'cause I'm just coming off the top of my head,
but a visual where, if we had a billboard, and the Desert Inn handed us our nest egg back.
This gives the Desert Inn really...
Vegas is not associated with feeling.
Well, first of all, those people on those signs, they won.
- You lost. - But that's it.
That's... That's the campaign.
What's the campaign?
You gave my wife and I our money back
because you reviewed our situation and you realized that we dropped out of society
and we weren't just gamblers
and we made a mistake and you gave our money back.
Do you know you couldn't get a room in this place for ten years.
Then everybody will want their money back.
All the gamblers will say, hey, go to the Desert Inn and get our money back.
Not gamblers. No, you keep all the money.
It's just that my wife and I aren't gamblers.
That's what I'm saying. That's the distinction.
My wife and I represent the few people...
I'll tell you something, there's probably nobody else
that's ever gonna come and have this happen.
So really, probably, we're the only two.
We represent the people who have taken the chance.
And we made a mistake, and then the Desert Inn corrects it
and gives it back.
There is a warm feeling here.
But you don't think everybody then will want their money back?
No! No, no, no. In the campaign, you make a clear distinction
between the bold, who would be my wife and I,
and then all the other schmucks who come here to see Wayne Newton.
I like Wayne Newton.
I said Wayne Newton?
What were you talking about? I heard you say, schmucks see Wayne Newton.
I like him. That makes me a schmuck?
Oh, no, no.
I'm stupid to use an entertainer as a dividing point.
I just meant all the people that come here carefree
on their way to see a show,
and my wife and I, who, if you knew us,
believe me, you would believe me...
- You're bold. - Yes. Yes.
- So, what do you think? - I don't think the sign's gonna work.
The sign is wrong. The sign is wrong.
A jingle. A television campaign. The Desert Inn has heart.
The Desert Inn has heart.
That's enough. That's enough.
The casino is our main means of income.
Not the coffee shop, not the show. The casino, that's what pays all our bills.
So if we give everybody their money back, we can't pay our bills.
I'm sorry. We can't change our policy.
Okay. Play a fun word game with me. This will do it.
What do you think of when you think of a hunting lodge?
- Hunt. - What do think of when you think of a rest home?
You rest.
So, you see, we're gonna associate the Desert Inn with something beautiful.
- You don't think of anything here now, do you? - Gambling.
- That's why people come here. To gamble. - That's right.
They want to go to a hunting lodge, they go to Wisconsin.
They want to rest, they go to New Orleans.
They want to gamble, they come to Vegas.
That's why it's called gambling, Las Vegas, gambling.
You see signs around this town with guys with guns shooting ducks?
It's a gambling place.
They don't shoot ducks, raccoons, beavers. They come to gamble.
That's what we do here. You're a nice guy. You make me laugh and everything.
But our policy is we can't give your money back. I'm real sorry.
Say good-bye to your wife. I gotta go home.
What about Miracle on 34th Street?
- It's the Christmas movie. - Yes, it was.
Now, there was Gimbels,
who was afraid that if they gave something up that they would lose.
And they wound up benefiting.
He was afraid that if he gave to Macy's, he would lose his business, and he didn't.
It's the same situation. This costs you nothing.
To give us our money back is nothing. You would be the one who would benefit.
Wrong.
In that movie, Santy Claus took care of everything.
There was Macy's, Gimbels, but Santy Claus came and he fixed the whole thing.
We don't have Santy Claus.
- Then we get him. - Who?
Santa Claus. We get him. That's the ad campaign. There it goes.
I have the chills.
We get Santa Claus. He's the one on the billboard.
He hands us our nest egg.
We associate, for the first time ever, Christmas and Las Vegas.
Las Vegas, a Christmas place to be.
We're finished talking.
I can't take this anymore. Will you say something? Anything.
I mean, yell, scream, drive off the road. Anything. Just stop being so quiet.
I'm fine.
You know, I feel horrible. I can't, I can't apologize enough.
I...
You know, this is unnatural. You're gonna make yourself sick.
I understand. If I was you, I'd be furious.
But you just can't hold it in. You've gotta let it out. Come on.
I'm fine.
Well, obviously, I can't keep apologizing for what I did.
So, why don't we talk about what we're gonna do.
Our dream's still the same. We just don't have any money.
I think that we should stop saying we don't have any money, because we do have some.
We have $802.
Well, that's something.
Yes, that's something.
I think that we should make the rest of the day as pleasant as possible.
You know, we're headed towards Hoover Dam.
Why don't we just make that our destination?
We could take a walk, maybe have a picnic.
Get some fresh air. Wouldn't that be nice?
- Is that what you'd like? - Yeah.
Fine. Hoover Dam.
It's okay. What's that?
How high are we?
Nice dam, huh?
You wanna go first, or should I?
- Are you hungry? - No.
- I'm starving. - I don't think you should eat right now.
Why?
Because with the little bit of money we have left,
let's not waste it with the little knickknacks here at the dam.
Well, you know, if that's gonna be your attitude,
why don't you give me my half of the money and let me eat whatever I want,
and you do whatever you want with your half of the money.
- I think that's the fair thing. - The fair thing?
The fair thing?
I can't believe it! That's it! I have been too controlled!
What do you mean? You took our nest egg and you broke it all over the Desert Inn!
Let's have lunch now.
You filled up the casino with yolk! The fair thing. I was sleeping!
- That man's yelling. - Get it out. Fine.
Stop it. Don't treat me like I'm an insane patient.
Let's just go back inside. You can yell at me.
- I don't want you to yell out here, okay? - Out here? Out where?
We live here.
Get used to the cement, honey. This is our house! Forever!
This is it!
We found ourselves. Boy, did we find ourselves.
In the middle of nowhere with nothing!
Where are you going?
Please come inside.
- What is it? - Sit down.
- What is it? - Just sit down.
Now, listen, I apologize from the bottom of my heart.
I'll make it up to you.
- I'll make you breakfast in bed for life. - No, stay away from the food.
You'll lose it.
I just want to know how this happened. I can't understand it. How did it happen?
I don't know. I just held things in so long, I just burst.
What did you hold in? What were you holding in?
Everything.
Listen, you weren't the only one whose life wasn't satisfying.
I sat in that office for seven years without a window.
Sometimes I felt like I was going crazy.
Why didn't you wake me up, tap me on the shoulder and say,
I think I'm having this problem. Is it okay if I go down and lose everything?
Then I could have helped. Maybe I could have said no.
I'm sure the Desert Inn has an all-night shrink service
along with a spa facility, don't they?
Don't you think someone could have counseled us?
He would have said, well, look, she's got to let it go somehow.
Why don't you spend 10,000 and rent the Goodyear blimp
and have it fly around and flash positive things?
Much cheaper, same result!
Why didn't you wake me up? We could have discussed this.
I didn't understand it until now.
Oh, great. Okay. Well, congratulations. I'm glad you understand everything.
Unfortunately, I'm still screwed up!
And we don't have the money to fix me.
You're fixed!
And now we have, like, you know, a couple of hundred for me!
100,000 for you, 100 for me. I think I was sicker than you to begin with!
Oh, God. I guess this was my fault. That's what I'm thinking.
Maybe I just didn't explain the nest egg well enough.
If you would have understood, it's a very sacred thing, the nest egg.
If you had understood the nest egg principle, as we will now call it,
in the first of many lectures that you will have to get
because if we are to ever acquire another nest egg,
we both have to understand what it means.
The egg is a protector, like a god.
We sit under the nest egg, and we are protected by it.
Without it, no protection. Want me to go on?
It pours rain. Hey, the rain drops on the egg and falls off the side.
Without the egg, wet! It's over.
But you didn't understand it, and that's why we're where we are.
I understood the nest egg.
Please do me a favor. Don't use the word.
You may not use that word. It's off-limits to you.
Only those in this house who understand nest egg may use it.
Don't use any part of it either.
Don't use nest, don't use egg.
If you're out in the forest, you can point. The bird lives in a round stick.
And you have things over easy with toast.
You know what I'd like to do?
I'd like to give you a small punishment before lunch
and I'd like to have you write a thousand times on the pavement,
I lost the nest egg. Come on. I lost the nest egg. Say it. Say it 500 times.
I lost the nest egg. I lost the nest egg. I lost the nest egg.
I'm starting it for you. You jump in anywhere! I lost the nest egg.
- I lost the nest egg! I lost the nest egg! - Shut up with nest egg!
And let me tell you something. That's not how you drop out anyway.
If you're really gonna drop out, you drop out with nothing.
Oh, you do? Where did you read that? The Las Vegas guide?
I didn't read it. Friends told me. People who know.
You don't know anybody who knows.
You don't know anybody who ever dropped out except for us.
All right. Well, the movie you're basing your whole life on, Easy Rider.
They had nothing. They had no nest egg.
Bullshit! They had a giant nest egg. They had all this cocaine!
- That's not true. - It is true.
Linda, they sold cocaine.
Okay, wait a second. Wait, wait, wait.
I'm not gonna stand in front of one of the great wonders of the world
and argue about an old movie.
I'll go back inside.
If you figure out some plan to make 800 bucks last a lifetime, knock on the door.
I'll be in there.
- Forget it. - Forget what?
Forget everything! You know? I'll tell you the one good thing that came out of all this
is we forgot to get remarried.
That's the one good thing. And no one's mentioned that yet.
What is that supposed to mean?
It means if we would've gotten remarried,
it would've been much more difficult to get a divorce.
Now it's easy. I'll just stay in Nevada for six weeks, and we'll be legally through.
- I don't really think you mean that. - You bet your life I do!
'Cause you know what? I know now that you'll never let me forget this.
For the rest of our lives, you'll blame me. Well, I won't have it.
So, good-bye, it's over. I'm sorry.
Don't hitchhike here in Nevada. I don't blame you for anything.
You said get angry, and I got angry. So it's over. Now stop it.
It is not over. You're still yelling.
I'm only yelling 'cause you have your hand out, and we don't even know where we are!
- Now, stop it! - I still have my dreams.
I'm gonna find somebody who understands 'em and start all over.
I understand your dreams. Holy shit. Would you take your arm back in?
- Linda, don't do this! - Get in.
- Linda? - Good-bye.
Don't get in that... Goddamn it, don't get in that car!
Stop it!
I've lost a woman.
A whole woman.
Hi. Just sit anywhere.
Linda. Linda. Let's go.
Hey, she doesn't want to talk to you.
It's my wife. It's between her and me. But thank you for the ride. Come on, honey.
I said, she doesn't want to talk to you.
Please, just thank him for the ride. Tell him that it was a family squabble.
- And let's go. - You don't listen real good, do you?
I'm gonna count to three, and when I get to three,
I want you out of here.
I don't want you to count. Really, we'll both get out.
- Honey, let's go. - One, two, three.
- Here we go. - Come on, pal.
- We got some fightin' to do. - I don't want to fight.
- Come on. - He's gonna kill me.
- Come on, bud, you and me. - I don't think so.
You understand, this is my wife.
Thank you for the ride. I appreciate it.
Oh, God.
You remind me of everything I hate.
I believe you! I believe you! I understand. I understand.
- It's amazing. - No, no.
- It's not between you and me, lady. - Somebody call the police!
- I'm gonna kill this guy. - No, no, no!
- Help! Police! Oh, God! - You don't understand!
- Call for the police! - Somebody call the police!
- Call the police! - Call the police, huh?
Hey, if I wasn't wanted, I'd stay here and kick your ass, pal.
- Oh, he's wanted. - When things cool down, I'll be back.
You're dead. You're history, buddy.
- You're dead, pal. - I'm dead, pal.
- Is this off? - Yeah.
- Are you okay? - I'm all right.
Next time, get a ride with a small woman. Will you?
You know, everything's really gonna be okay.
Weren't you scared? What were you talking about?
Oh, God. He was telling me his whole life story.
He was divorced, he got kicked out of the army, he couldn't keep a job.
- Do you know he escaped from prison? - What did he do?
Well, to hear him tell it, he said those two guys were dead when he got there.
Oh, God.
Well, I showed him, huh?
Yes, you did.
Pity the man who tries to catch up with me.
- That's not funny. - It is.
- You'll laugh soon. - No, I won't laugh soon.
- Yes, you will. - An adult's not supposed to get a bloody nose.
That's for children.
- All right. Don't make fun of me! - Okay, okay. I'm sorry.
God, it's beautiful here, don't you think?
- Where do you want to go? - I don't know.
- Where are we? - I don't know.
We're in Arizona.
- Want to go to Canada? - Canada?
Yeah, let's live in Canada.
- The country? - Yeah.
Do you have any idea how much it is to fill up a Winnebago?
No.
It's Arizona or New Mexico. That's just about all we can do right now.
- Okay. - Preferably downhill from here.
Right. Well, I like Arizona.
Well, we'll just drive till we find someplace we like.
Okay. You know something?
I think this whole thing is a blessing in disguise.
Don't start that. It's not.
- Well, I do. I think... - It's not a blessing in disguise.
I don't know what it is, but it's not a blessing.
All right. Fine. You'll see.
- Oh, Linda! - What's wrong?
Oh, look.
We're in hell. We entered hell. When?
Maybe he doesn't mean us.
No, he's gonna pull me over and tell me who it really is, like a courtesy.
Us?
It's us. I'm stopping, I'm stopping.
I'm driving a whale here.
- What's he look like? - Bad.
Bad.
I hate the walk-up the worst. I hate it.
See your license and registration, please.
- What was I doing? - Eighty-three miles an hour.
Eighty-three? Gee, my speedometer...
Could I see your license and registration, please?
Eighty-three.
I just bought this, and I know that driving it out of LA...
Your license and registration. Thank you.
- Can I ask you a question? - Would you wait in the home, please.
Wait in the home, please.
Can I ask you a question, please?
Maybe I was going 70 or 75,
but I just don't think it's possible that I could go 83.
- We have good radar. - Radar?
You can't use radar on this. Look, there's a ladder here.
It's all metal.
This is like a big antenna. We get cable. We don't even want it.
You know, we have a microwave oven. Wouldn't that do something?
It's a Radarange. That would screw it up, wouldn't it?
Look, the dealer told me this would happen.
I swear, the dealer said that I would get a ticket for no reason.
Hey, buddy?
Can I ask you how much this will cost?
$140, $150.
Oh, we can't pay that. That's too high. That's too much money.
- We don't have it. - This isn't a swap meet.
- Did you see Easy Rider? - I tried this. It doesn't work.
- What? - You know, the movie, Easy Rider?
I can't believe you asked me that. That's my favorite movie of all time.
I love that movie. I started riding a motorcycle because of that movie.
Why'd you ask me that?
Well, my husband, he sort of based his whole life on that movie.
Well, not my whole life. For the last couple of weeks, yes.
- How are you? - Hello. Wow.
Fantastic. Remember the ending? When they got blown away?
- Great ending. - It made my day.
Remember the scene with Jack Nicholson, with the football helmet?
Oh, yes. You know, Nicholson wasn't supposed to get that part.
- Really? - No, no. It was supposed to be somebody else.
- He lucked into it. - Remember that scene in the commune?
- With the mimes? - Yeah.
Great scene!
You know, since we all have this in common, couldn't you maybe let us go this time?
Oh, that would be great. I mean, this is like a club, isn't it?
- Hey, hey, hey. Get out of here. - Great!
Dennis Hopper wouldn't give Peter Fonda a ticket, now, would he?
Dennis Hopper couldn't find Peter Fonda.
- You're real nice. I really appreciate it. - Thank you.
That's terrific.
- Did you see The Terminator? - No, I didn't.
- Heard about it though. - You should see it. You look like him.
Thank you.
Be careful.
You're up 140.
Where are we now? What does that sign say?
Safford, Arizona.
My legs are asleep. Let's live here.
Kind of nice having young people here.
I like it.
Honey?
Honey, come on. Breakfast is ready.
- You look nice. - Good morning.
Last night was amazing.
- Where did we get this? - We brought that with us.
- Good. - Here's your coffee.
Some eggs? Cereal?
- Let's save the rest of the food.- Really stretch it.
- What time did you get up? - I've been up for hours.
I've been all over this place.
At the end of the road there's this sweet little creek,
and, oh, the people three doors down, they've got this little garden.
- Doctor says I'm losing my sight in my right eye. - Tomatoes and corn and squash.
- I can't hear you. - Losing my sight in my right eye.
- I can't hear you. - Those people over there raise Chihuahuas.
- I was thinking maybe we could get a puppy. - Puppy?
- We have to get jobs today. - We will.
- Today. - We're gonna get jobs today.
It's gonna be great. I mean, this is the beginning. This is it.
But for real. I mean it. We need money.
We will. Great jobs. Today.
Okay. We have no plan of attack. What should we do?
- I'm ready to go. - What about me?
- Maybe we should go together. - No, I think we should go separately.
That way we can cover more territory.
- Be very careful. - I will.
- And get a very good job. - I will.
- All right? Today. - Today.
I challenge you. I bet I get one first.
- All right? - Bye.
- Loser sleeps under the home. - Okay.
- All right. Bye. - Bye!
- Try to be back before dark. - I will.
Good luck!
Buy a cheap lunch!
Okay. Bye-bye.
Stand up. Stand up.
Come on.
Let's play jumping jacks!
Excuse me.
Ooh, you scared me.
- Good morning. - Hi.
I'm interested in the delivery job.
- Oh, for your son? - For myself.
- For you? - Yeah.
Well, you have your own car?
No.
I'm sorry. It's a delivery job. You would need a car.
- Well, I have a motor home. - A motor home?
You couldn't pay for the gas with what I'd pay you.
I see. I thought maybe you'd provide the truck or something.
No, no, we don't do that.
In fact, I was gonna get a high school kid with a Rabbit or something like that.
I don't believe an older man with a motor home would work out in this.
- All right. Well, thank you very much. - You know what I should do?
I should change that sign out there from man to boy.
I guess delivery boy is more correct.
Leave the sign alone. It's fine.
Any high-paying jobs in the immediate area?
Let me think.
No. Not in the immediate area.
- What about in the outlying area? - Oh, no.
In fact, I don't know of any high-paying jobs anywhere in the whole country, do you?
- Well, I don't. I used to. - Yeah?
- Not now though. - I'm sorry.
- Little down on your luck, are you? - You don't want to hear.
Aw, sure, I would.
If you want to go to the employment office, there's one down the street...
if you just keep on going about a half-mile down there.
You can't... It's a small building, but you can't miss it.
- Maybe they can help you. - All right. Thanks.
So, Mr. Howard, what can we do for you?
- I need work. - All right.
What has been your previous work experience?
For the last eight years, I was with Ross & McMahon.
The last four of those, I was creative director.
- You're familiar with them? - No.
Advertising agency. One of the biggest in the world.
And before that, I worked in and out of advertising,
nothing to speak of, for about five years.
Worked in a catering truck for seven months in Pittsburgh
and made food.
I worked at a crisis center for three months.
Not dealing directly with... Well, a couple of crises.
But more just answering the phone.
The regular phone, not the crisis...
And then in high school, I worked at a stuffed fruit place.
We don't have to go back that far. More recent.
All right. Well, advertising, eight years at Ross & McMahon.
What was your previous salary?
$80,000 was the base salary.
Then I was in a bonus situation,
which would give me anywhere from 15 to 25,
depending on the year that we had.
Generally $100,000.
$100,000?
Over what period of time we talking about?
A year.
A year?
- What's so funny? - Nothing.
That's very good. What brings you around these parts?
Trying to double up on that income?
Well, I've come here to live. I'm trying to change my life.
You couldn't change your life on $100,000?
What have you got for me? Any jobs?
I don't have anything right now.
What I do have, you wouldn't be interested in.
Why don't you check back with me in a month?
Well, you don't know that. I'm very interested. What do you have?
Coming from your position and your salary, you wouldn't be interested in it.
You don't know me. I might love it. What is it?
A crossing guard.
What is that? A crossing guard.
- Crossing guard. - At a school?
Where else have you seen them work?
I just didn't know if there were different kinds.
What does that pay?
$100,000.
What does it really pay?
It pays 5.50 an hour plus benefits.
And the benefits meaning?
You get a ride to and from school, if you need it.
Do you have anything at all? Can you rack your brain?
Something maybe in the executive file?
Or maybe you have a white collar box or something?
What sort of box would that be?
Just a box of higher-paying jobs.
I know. You mean the $100,000 box.
Well, I'm glad I could be your morning's entertainment.
But I want to tell you something. I made a statement.
- A statement? - Yes.
- Did you see Easy Rider? - No.
I saw Easy Money.
Rodney Dangerfield. I like him.
- That no-respect bit is funny. - I know who he is.
It's under the sink.
Hi, honey!
Don't make me come do it.
- Guess what. - A job?
Yeah, I think so. I won't know for sure until tomorrow.
Doing what?
I don't wanna say anything in case I don't get it.
- Give me a hint. - All right. Assistant manager.
Assistant manager?
The manager's gonna sleep on it tonight and let me know tomorrow.
That's all I'm gonna say. You know I'm superstitious, so I don't wanna jinx it.
- I can't believe it. - Yeah. What about you?
- Well, I had some good leads. - Yeah? Come on. Give me a hint.
I don't want to jinx mine either.
- Okay, I understand. - All right?
Yeah.
Hold it.
Have a nice day.
Come on, man.
Let's go!
Man, get up!
What do you think you're paid for, to sit on your ass? Let's go.
Come on. Get us across the street, retardo.
- Don't call me retardo. - Come on, retardo!
Come on. Right now, sucker. Let's go now! Across the street now.
We ain't got time to wait. We're already late, retarded.
Come on, retardo, now!
You're gonna get hurt. Why don't you just cross the street?
Who's gonna hurt us, man? Come on! Let's go!
Get off your bike and walk it across the street.
- Make us! - Walk your bike!
I'm warning you. Walk your bike!
Where do you come from? The dump?
Children, I take no responsibility for your safety.
Just die for us. Save us the problem.
Dumb Brillo pad fathead!
All righty, all righty.
Come on. I was a kid once.
Get out of here, you...
Get out of here!
Come on, fast! Fast!
Here we go! Hey! Kill the child!
Get away. Get out of here!
Hey, mister. Where am I?
Safford, Arizona.
Oh, my God. How do I get to LA?
- You know where 70 is? - No.
You gotta go about three-and-a-half blocks. You see that stop sign?
- Yeah. - All right. You turn left.
You go all the way down till you hit 70.
You get on 70. That turns into 60.
- That takes you to Phoenix. - Great. Let me understand that.
The stop sign, turn left, to 60... What are you smelling around here?
What are you sniffing? What are you doing?
- What is this interior, leather? - Yeah, of course it's leather.
- It comes with the car. I think it is. - It's nice.
Yes. It's lovely.
Listen, let me understand. I go down to the stop sign, turn left, go to 70.
Seventy will take me to 60, 60 will take me to Phoenix.
- Is that correct? - Right.
- Great. Thanks. - You like this car?
What's not to like?
- Hi! - Hi.
What are you?
I'm a crossing guard. What are you?
Oh, I got it. I'm assistant manager at the Der Wienerschnitzel.
- The what? - The Der Wienerschnitzel.
You know, the manager said he wanted to sleep on it last night,
but he said right after I left, I got it.
- He just didn't know how to get hold of me. - That's the job you were waiting for?
- Yeah. - You sell hot dogs?
Yeah.
Wow! This place is great!
Hey, Linda. When you flush the toilet, where does it go?
- Who is this? - This is Skip, the manager.
This is David, my husband.
- How you doin'? - You're the manager?
- You slept on it? - What?
He slept on it?
- How ya doing? - Call me Skippy.
Skippy.
Your wife told me what you guys did... that drop-out thing?
- Oh, yeah? - Hey, I really admire you.
- Thanks. - When I get old, I might do it.
Hey, did she tell you what happened today?
He's tired. I'll tell him later, Skippy.
- No. I want to hear Skip talk. - Hey, thanks.
- Hello? - Yeah.
We have this fry machine.
We didn't really know how to use it, but funny thing is, we used it anyway.
We put the oil in and everything, read the instructions, threw the fries in.
Blah, blah, blah.
Boom. They were done. Serve 'em. No problem.
She comes up to me and says, Skip, these fries are frozen.
What? So we look at 'em in the light, and you could that inside the fries,
they were a little bit frozen, maybe a little bit of ice or whatnot.
- You were eating them frozen, huh? - What do you want me to do?
Skippy.
The point is, she saw this minor detail on the first day.
Do you believe it, man? You got a good wife.
- That's why I married her, Skip. - That's why I hired her.
- I want to talk to her for a second. - Go right ahead.
Come here.
Don't get me wrong. I've had a lot of fun in the last two weeks.
Things didn't go exactly like we had hoped,
but if we're together now after what happened, we're not gonna split up.
So that assurance makes me feel great, and I'm real happy for it.
Isn't that wonderful? I told you this would be a blessing.
Right.
Now, given our age and these jobs, we're not gonna see another nest egg for...
ever.
We'll never see anything.
I think that there has to be some better way to rebuild than this.
And I thought maybe of a plan that might speed things up.
And I just... Maybe I just should sound it out with you.
Really?
I was kind of thinking the same thing too.
- You were? - I was.
- What is it? - What was your plan?
Oh, no. My plan is not even a plan. It's just an emergency backup.
What's your plan?
I was thinking that we go to New York as fast as we can.
- And I eat shit? - Yeah.
My plan too!
Skippy?
Out.
Brad!
- How are you? - My God!
Stay away from me.
Brad, I was joking with you.