Mosfilm Studios
Creative Association of Comedy and Musical Films
Alice Freindlich
Andrei Myagkov
Svetlana Nemolyaeva
Oleg Basilashvili
Lia Akhedjakova
Lyudmila Ivanova
in the film
OFFICE ROMANCE
Script Emil Braginsky, Eldar Ryazanov
Directed by Eldar Ryazanov
Photography Vladimir Nakhabtsev
Art Directors Alexander Borisov, Sergei Voronkov
Work is the most noble thing in the world.
That’s why people go to work.
This is also the only reason why I go to work.
Without statistics,
we would never know what nice workers we are.
Lyudmila Prokofievna Kalugina,
the director of our statistics bureau.
She knows her job very well.
It happens with some bosses.
She comes the earliest of all
and leaves the latest,
from which it becomes clear she’s unmarried.
We call her Meany,
not in her face, of course.
Music Andrei Petrov
Every morning I take my little rogues to school.
Buy one carton of milk, don’t forget.
And don’t forget to have your lunch.
Now you. When will your stop your pranks?
- Everyone is complaining. - I behave myself.
Everyone is complaining about you.
- Why did you eat play dough? - With sugar.
You’re a big boy. Big boys don’t eat play dough.
Why did you lock up Masha in the closet?
I locked her up, but I lost the key.
Go. And no more putting glue on the teacher’s chair.
- Do you hear me? - Okay.
Little devil.
My name is Anatoly Efremovich.
Last name - Novoseltsev.
I live on my salary, from hand to mouth.
So I run around
like a squirrel in the wheel.
Olga Petrovna Ryzhova,
or simply Olya.
Songs performed by Alice Friendlich Andrei Myagkov
Olya is my best pal.
We became friends at the university.
I like her unending optimism,
optimism no matter what.
The world rests on optimists.
Too many people living in our city.
Too many guests. Too many cars.
Everyone is in a hurry.
It’s all crowds and queues.
But I love my city all the same.
It is my city.
A wonderful city.
This is Vera.
She is curious like all women,
and womanly like all secretaries.
She earns a modest salary, but wears foreign clothes.
It’s a miracle how she manages to buy all this.
And this is Shura.
A pleasant woman, but, unfortunately, an activist.
She was once recommended for welfare activity,
and there is no stopping her since then.
Refreshed by exercises in the public transport
we arrive to our work.
Hi. Look, Vova has torn another pair of boots.
Where can I borrow 20 rubles?
Wait, I need to buy some pills.
Give me something from a headache.
Don’t go away. Pay in 50 kopecks.
For what?
Selezneva has an addition to the family.
- I've nothing to do with this. - Who was born?
I don’t know yet. A boy or a girl.
Don’t leave! Who hasn’t paid up?
- Sign for me, too. - Don’t leave!
Ugh, what a nasty voice. Where can I get 20 rubles…
I wish they made me head of the sector.
I would make you one.
You’re a wonderful worker. An expert.
Go to Meany and talk to her.
- You’re the best candidate. - It's impossible.
- Let’s go? - Okay.
- Who was born? - I don’t know.
Talk to her. Tell her you’re a father of two children.
I’m sure she doesn’t believe in their existence.
She believes they pop up from nowhere
as ready-made grownups.
Yes, but an increased salary won’t hurt.
It won’t hurt indeed.
And it’s not only about money.
I’m sick and tired of sitting at this desk.
I’m made for something more.
- I can move mountains. - Then go and say this to her.
No, I won’t.
I’m too proud for this.
Every morning begins from one and the same thing.
It’s a tradition.
Even a ritual.
Petr Ivanovich Bublikov -
head of the public catering sector.
Maybe this fact explains his corpulent forms.
Yury Grigorievich Samokhvalov.
A good person. We are from the same alma mater.
All this story began when he appeared
in our bureau.
It was an ordinary morning, when our beauties of statistics
had finished their make-up procedure
and relapsed into a sweet
poetic dream of summaries,
numbers, reports,
plans and calculations.
Did you lock the door with both keys?
I’m not going to explain anything to you.
- We got divorced yesterday. - Yes, and you were quite rude.
- Can I see the boss? - Yes. Wait here.
You fried eggs in my pan.
And you didn’t wash it afterwards.
What’s this crap you’re smoking.
My name is Yury Grigorievich.
I’ll call you back.
I’m sorry, I took you for a visitor.
- Can I see the boss? - Yes, of course.
Good morning, Lyudmila Prokofievna. Here I am.
Make a guess, what do I smoke right now?
Marlboro.
From the boss’s new deputy.
He seeks my friendship. Right now he’s with the old hag.
I don’t care who seeks your friendship.
Oh, I called you just automatically.
It won’t happen again.
A souvenir from Switzerland.
An eight-colored pen, for all kind of resolutions.
Black – ‘to refuse’, red - 'to carry out the payment',
green – the color of hope, blue - 'for consideration'.
Thank you. Very clever. Take a seat.
Vera. Call for Novoseltsev.
- What Novoseltsev? - An uninteresting worker,
with no initiative, like many others.
Anatoly Efremovich, come to Kalugina’s office.
Coming! Meany is calling for me.
Go and take the bull by the horns.
Go and take that job.
I’m an empty place for her.
...and get acquainted with the chemical industry sector.
- Yes, and in Switzerland… - Our best sector.
- ...I studied statistics. - And then you should handle
computerization of the building sector.
- The computers in Switzerland are… - Yes, great.
But here there’s a gap
in the light industry sector.
Its head Petrunin
- left to the Ministry. - Novoseltsev is here.
I’m looking for a new head.
Bring him in.
You may come in.
Don’t be afraid.
And I want you to pay attention to…
Good afternoon.
- Take a seat. - Thank you.
Tolya!
- You old devil! - Yura!
- What are you doing here? - And you?
- I work here. - What’s going on?
- You work here? - Yes. After the university.
- What about you? - You’ve become bold!
- Not entirely. - Mr. Novoseltsev…
He’s my old friend.
- Wait… - I see.
- Mr. Novoseltsev. - Wait a sec.
- I’m on business here. - Is this your report?
Yes.
You should either do it or leave it.
Statistics can’t be approximate.
You used unchecked data.
- Why? - No, I checked everything.
Did you take into consideration the missing items?
Of course. I’m a first-hand consumer myself.
And the shops in Switzerland… Sorry.
Certain items missing in shops
due to the laxness of such workers as you.
Kindly redo it.
Let’s return to our business.
As my deputy, you should pay attention to the discipline.
It’s below the mark here.
- You want to ask something? - Ye-es.
- What is it? - Well…
- I have a question. - What kind of question?
- Eh, no questions. - Very well. You may go then.
- People are late to work. - Excuse me.
Tolya, wait for me in the reception room.
Doing shopping during their work hours.
And there was an outrageous incident,
a most outrageous incident.
In the ladies room someone
attached a notice: ‘panty-hose on sale’.
- And a phone number. - Dear God.
You know who’s Meany’s new deputy?
- Who? - Make a guess.
- Tell me. - Make a guess.
- I don’t know. Who? - Yura.
- What Yura? - Oh, come on.
- The two of you were in love. - Yura Samokhvalov?
- How is he? - Fit as a fiddle.
- Oh, my God, Yura! - Olya!
Jesus, you’re so handsome!
- If only compared to me. - Olya, you haven’t changed!
I’m so glad to see you!
Me, too.
Let’s go somewhere?
I can’t invite you to my office.
Kalugina ordered to fix it up.
A new deputy – a new office.
- How is your life? - I’m fine.
I live in an apartment, in the suburbs, but…
Let’s go for a smoke.
Okay.
My son Victor is 14.
He’s an athlete.
1st class in long jump.
What are you smoking? Be my guest. Marlboro.
My husband is all right now, too.
He was operated on for ulcer by Prof. Pokrovsky.
The operation was successful.
He was sent to a free resort in Essentuki.
He is still there.
I live an eventful life.
Camping, going to cinema theaters.
The smoke of Fatherland which tastes so sweet, eh.
…receiving guests.
- And how are you? - I’m all right.
I spent two years in Geneva.
- A Swiss souvenir. - Thank you.
- How is everything in Geneva? - Not so simple.
What about robbing you of 20 rubles,
Geneva-wise?
- Of course. - It’s against my principles,
I usually don’t borrow money from bosses.
- I wasn’t signed in yet. - All right then.
I’ll return it on the pay day.
What a lucky chance you’ll be the boss here.
- You must help Yura. - Help in what?
- Well, you know… - Oh, stop it.
A most unrightful thing is going on,
because Tolya is just made for that job.
- Olya, stop it. - He is a nice worker,
and he has two children on his hands.
Little children? Who is your wife?
His wife left him, him and their two kids.
No, it was me who took them away from her.
Hello? It's Novoseltsev... ...Spitting?
Please box his ears for me.
I’ll pick him up later, I’ll be buying new shoes for him.
Thank you. He’s spitting, that little rogue.
Well, it’s a good idea, to give him that job.
Then do it. You’re a big man here.
- I’ll do it. - No. I screw up my report.
So, please don’t.
Maybe I have changed to the worse during these years.
No, you’ll make a nice boss. Wait here.
Please, it’s not the right moment.
- Calm down. - Olya, tell him to stop.
He hasn’t changed, you know.
Yes, and if he goes on like this, he’ll have problems.
Tolya, tell me frankly,
am I still… likable?
Of course, Olya. You’re all right.
Lyudmila Prokofievna, I’ve an idea.
What about making Novoseltsev head of the sector?
So what he messed up with his report?
It’s just that he is made for something bigger.
I know him. He is very talented.
I can understand your sentiments: old friendship and so on,
but we should judge people by their deeds.
Good bye.
She didn’t buy it. But give me some time.
Patience, my friends, everything is
- under control. - I’ve always believed in you.
It’s all useless.
Fear not, no familiarity in front of others.
I always knew you were so full of tact.
I’ll go and buy some groceries
before they’re closed for a dinner break.
They chose the bad timing for our dinner break -
when all food shops are closed.
Well, time changes us indeed.
Do you remember how pretty she was…
Anyway, you and I didn’t get any younger, either.
It’s just that with women it’s more… painful.
Look…
I really want you as my friend to take this post,
I mean, someone I could trust.
I see. A new broom and so on
comes with his own team.
- And you’re from my team. - Sure.
Though, a minute ago I was from no one’s team.
Let’s come downstairs, I want to show you smth.
Vera, call my driver, please.
Thank you, thank you very much.
- Push 1, please. - Wait.
- You are the boss’s new deputy? - Yes.
Great.
Pay in 50 kopecks. Selezneva has an addition to her family.
- Wonderful. - Nice reaction, eh.
- Take the change. - Everything for Selezneva.
- Did you pay up? - Yes.
- Are you sure? - Yes!
You bought new high boots?
Not yet. Just trying them on. What do you think?
Too loud. I wouldn’t buy them.
And in your place I would do such things after work.
Means they’re good. I’ll buy them.
Tolya, Kalugina thinks you’re a nobody.
She’s right. Be careful.
The mask of irony is the province of the beaten.
But you should find an approach to her.
- What’s her weak point? - She has no weak points.
She’s not young, not pretty. She’s a lonely woman.
She is not a woman. She is a CEO.
- Your car? - Get in, buddy.
Wow. A ‘Volga’?
Kind of.
Get in.
A compact little flat.
- And what is this? - A Philips,
a stereo record player.
- Embedded? - Plus two speakers.
I’m going to the Ministry. It’ll take quite long.
Mr. Novoseltsev, take care of your report.
- Do come to my home party. - I will.
I’m afraid of her. She’s fierce as a wolf.
I’m throwing a party in the evening.
You’re invited, too. Talk to her,
using the home atmosphere.
Try to woo her.
Otherwise, if I mention your name again, she’ll roar at me.
How can I woo her if she’s a roaring type?
No, it’s a great idea
that you should treat her as a woman.
No, I absolutely can’t treat her as a woman.
I can’t do this as a man. Well, I ‘can’, as a man, but…
I’m not suggesting anything serious.
Just 'rush' her a little bit.
No job in the world will make me 'rush' her.
Let’s agree that I’m not going to do this
and that you will invite Olya.
You forgot about her. She'll take offence.
- Why Olya? - What do you mean, why?
Well, anyway. Come together. By 8 p.m.
Please treat yourselves.
Have some tomatoes.
Do eat something. It's delicious.
You have a nice home.
- I liked your wife. - I agree with you on this point.
Hopefully, on points of work, too.
- And what is this? - A mobile.
- A mobile? - It’s very popular in Europe,
you can find it in many houses there.
An illusion of movement.
The idea belongs to Alexander Calder from America.
The 20th century is so full of high speeds. You come home
and relax watching it.
But you should return to your guests.
I can’t leave you alone.
Don’t worry. You’ve good magazines here.
All this noise is so tiresome.
I like solitude, so please don’t worry.
- I’ll just sit here. - All right. Have a nice time.
- Tolya… - Coming.
- You glutton.
It’s delicious.
Use the moment. She’s alone in the room.
- Let her be. - Stop being an idiot.
- Take this cocktail to her. - You’re the host, not me.
Why should I do it? I can't.
Yes, I know she’s a scarecrow,
but you don’t need to look at her.
- Go. - I’m scared.
Tolya, it’s your big moment.
- I’m scared. - Go.
- Are you all right? - You’ve a classy house.
Try this salad.
I already did this. I prepare it better than your wife.
I add some shredded apple.
- You didn’t change. - What?
You remember what I was like?
- I remember everything. - Me, too.
- Tolya! - Wait...
Did you hear what I said? Go now!
- Go. - Oh, my Jesus.
May I come in?
Come in, Mr. Novoseltsev.
- Thank you. - Take a seat.
Not here.
- You came on some business? - No. Yes.
- I’m all ears. - Have some cocktail.
- I don’t drink, Mr. Novoseltsev. - Good. Neither do I.
Then why did you bring it?
To drink it.
- But… it was my mistake. - In the line of others.
I want to say that you
proved to be a very prudent person.
- What? - I mean…
you are far-sighted.
I’m trying to correct
my report. And it becomes better and better.
My congratulations.
Do you like picking mushrooms?
- Picking what? - Mushrooms.
Brown cap boleti, orange-cap boleti, honey mushrooms…
I’m indifferent to such things.
My condolences.
Picking mushrooms is the most wonderful thing in the world.
Take honey mushrooms. They grow on tree stumps,
and if you're lucky to meet a good stump,
you can gather a basketful of stumps… eh…honey mushrooms.
King boleti, orange-cap boleti,
they grow under aspen trees,
birch trees and fir trees.
In dry summer the mushrooms
need moisture, and they grow in lows…
You’d find a good low…
and you gather basketfuls of mushrooms.
You’re a such a big expert of mushrooms, Mr. Novoseltsev.
Yes, of mushrooms. And my name is Anatoly.
I will try to remember. Have you finished?
- No. Yes. - You may go, Mr. Novoseltsev.
Well? Why didn’t you give her the cocktail?
She doesn’t drink.
What were the two of you talking about?
- Well… About mushrooms. - Mushrooms?
- Why about mushrooms? - What would you suggest?
To talk about snakes? I tried to woo her.
Last time it was my wife that I wooed,
and it was twelve years ago. I got out of habit.
Did she understand you were wooing her?
- I think, no. - Yura,
did you see pole dancing in Switzerland?
- No. - Honestly?
- I’m not interested. - I would sure go and see it.
Have some Swiss cheese, Greek olives…
You want to remain small fish to the end of your life?
But can there be some other way rather than wooing?
When I see her, my legs go weak in the knees.
You may sit down then.
I don’t know what to talk with her about.
About something intellectual. She is a clever lady.
Intellectual?
Well, intellectual is no problem.
Only she won’t understand.
All right, I’ll refresh myself
and will go to cast pearls before her.
Yury Grigorievich, why won’t you ask me for a dance?
May I ask you for a dance?
You’re just trying to be polite?
Do you remember how we would skip lectures?
And how we went to an ice parlor?
You ordered heaps of everything and then you didn’t have enough money.
Of course I remember.
I wanted to ask you about that Bublikov
from the public catering section.
- He is the head there. - What kind of person is he?
A career chaser.
Will your wife feel jealous?
- Why? - Because of me.
Of course she will be jealous.
Do you remember us kissing in Kuntsevo park?
Now there is no park there.
Of course I remember.
What kind of person is that Borovskikh
- from the crafts section? - He’s a capital fellow.
You know, Yura,
we are dancing now
as if time has stopped for the two of us.
- I’m going to her. - And boost up your intellect.
It’s… me again.
I think we already said goodbye to each other.
Right. But let’s say hello again.
- Hello, Lyudmila Prokofievna. - Good evening.
May I sit down?
- You are welcome. - Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Don’t you feel bored?
No. I’m used to being alone and I never feel bored.
You want me to leave?
You may stay if you wish.
Thank you very much.
A cigarette? a match? a carton?
- Thank you. - If you don't object…
Cognac? Scotch? Gin and tonic? Vodka?
Didn’t I tell you that I don’t drink?
Yes, it just slipped from my mind.
- Something interesting? - Rather.
We are sitting here like dumb and mute.
As if we have nothing to talk about.
Let’s discuss something.
We’ve already discussed my report
and you are not interested in mushrooms, right?
Absolutely.
- Are you interested in berries? - In the form of jam.
And in verse, in the form of poetry? Do you like verse?
Yes, I do.
Really? Great. Let’s talk about verse.
When I was young, I used to write verse.
- And you? - No.
- I had no talent. - Nor had I.
But let me read you something.
Maybe you shouldn’t take risks?
No, I should. I want to impress you.
- You already did. - I want to intensify the effect.
Something from my early years.
To love some is a heavy cross,
your beauty is without twists
and secrets of your charm explores
all mysteries that life enlists.
In spring…
In youth you seem to have been a lot more talented.
I couldn't even imagine that your pen name was Pasternak.
I couldn't even imagine you understand in poetry.
A good poem, but a nasty recitation.
- You know better. - I bet I do.
Though, my friends say I’m a good reciter.
They lied to you. You’re a nasty one.
Are you interested in music?
Just in any kind of music?
I hope you’re not going to play music?
- I wanna sing. - How sad.
Why? My friends said I’ve a beautiful bass soprano.
Wait. Are you drunken?
No. When I’m drunken, I’m boisterous.
- But now I’m quiet. - Lucky me.
- What shall I sing to you? - Maybe you better not?
Don’t judge before you hear me singing.
I’m tired of you, Mr. Novoseltsev.
I’ll sing to you
and you’ll feel better.
Quiet is the night,
Woodchuck sleeps tight.
He hang his ears on the branch
after having a lunch.
Have you gone mad?
Aha, you don’t like my singing?
- No, I don’t. - What do you like at all?
It’s hard to please you.
But I’ll try to. I’ll dance for you.
Not a modern dance -
but something classical.
Russian folk dance - Gypsy dance!
- And you can sing. - Stop this circus!
Okay, I’ll dance and sing…
- Let’s fill the glass! - For crying out loud!
Stop it! This is crazy!
- Yury Grigorievich! - Come on, Tolya!
Take away this hooligan!
What’s going on?
Why are you dancing?
You don’t like my recitation,
my singing and dancing, because you’re cold fish,
a dry personality!
You are… Leave me alone! No one is asking you!
You are not human!
Let him go on, Yury Grigorievich.
You have no heart, you’re only full of numbers.
- Let him go on. - Olya, leave me alone!
You may fire me, but I’m glad I told you all this
in the face!
- I’m so sorry. - Go away.
Yury Grigorievich.
Thank you for this wonderful evening.
Thank you for inviting me.
- Good bye. - Good bye.
...what will happen tomorrow.
Good bye, friends.
Good bye, Mrs. Ryzhova.
- Good bye. - Good by, Mr. Novoseltsev.
Anatoly Efremovich.
- Good bye. Let me see you out. - Stop it.
Please don’t.
- Let me see you out. - Don’t bother.
I’m so sorry. Don’t pay any attention.
- He’s a good sport. - Thank you for the evening.
It was fun.
It was all my blame.
- I’m so sorry. - It’s nothing.
- Stay in touch. - Okay, okay.
I couldn’t even imagine he’d behave like this.
Please don’t pay any attention.
- He outreached himself. - Well,
it’s interesting to know what people think about you.
Thank you. Let’s go home.
See you tomorrow.
We are packed in the buses and trams
Our faces are pale
and the metro our crowds like smoke
from its mouth would exhale.
Or, like butterflies caught in the snare,
We can’t hear each other’s voice:
We are breathing one and the same air,
We are deafened by the street noise.
To smoke a cigarette we would stop,
It’s a usual busy day.
If we push someone with an elbow,
We just say sorry and walk away,
And keep moving along the streets -
Like a grey unending wall,
We go our separate ways
And don’t care, we don’t care at all.
Novoseltsev. Personal file.
Nine o’clock Moscow time.
- Hi, debaucher. - Hi.
What the hell happened to you yesterday?
I didn’t sleep all night because of this.
You should go and apologize before her.
No. How can I appear before her eyes now?
One should pay for his mistakes.
- Who is this girl? - I don’t remember her name.
Okay, I’ll go to her.
Hopefully, she won’t receive me.
Good morning.
Yura!
Good morning, Olya.
I’m so glad you came to my place yesterday.
I’m standing here, waiting for you.
I wanted to say thank you for the party.
Oh, yes, it was some party.
- Any plans for tonight? - I'll go home and have some rest.
- Good morning, Vera. - Good morning.
- Is the boss here? - As always.
- A souvenir from Switzerland. - I don’t take bribes.
- My office is ready. Great. - We know class.
Any plans for tonight?
A party? Are gentlemen invited?
You must
introduce me to someone.
I’m a lonely girl now.
Vera, please bring all new documents.
There it is. Wait here.
Vera, you know everything about everybody.
Such is my profession.
What do you know about Novoseltsev?
He’s a nincompoop.
He lives alone with his two children.
Have you been here for long?
Okay, I'll come later.
Do you remember Liza Leontieva from the building sector?
A comely light-haired girl
with a braid?
- She doesn’t work here anymore. - I don’t remember her.
Of course you don’t. That girl was his wife,
a mother of their two children.
And then she walked out on him.
How could she ever leave her children. She’s a mother!
A mother?
Novoseltsev was the one who was a mother.
A quiet, soft
and harmless person.
You will never hear a rude word from him.
A harmless person, eh…
Novoseltsev, you are done for.
Meany was asking questions about you.
She is studying your personal file.
- She’ll sack me. - For what?
Hooliganism.
Vera, maybe she won’t receive me right now?
Wait here.
- It’s Novoseltsev. - I didn’t call for him.
Okay, I’ll tell him that you're busy.
No…
It’s not polite. Let him come in.
- So? - You must come in.
Oh. And how is she?
- Well, never mind. - Good luck.
Thanks.
How do you do, Prokopya Lyudmilovna…
I came to say…
Yesterday… well…
some maggot bit me.
I noticed that.
I was like a mad dog on the loose.
That’s closer to truth.
- Like a mad dog... - Yes.
- Be seated… - No.
- Anatoly Efremovich. - I’d rather die on my feet.
Sit down.
Thank you.
Kindly feel at home.
Yesterday you… don’t move!
…you took the liberty
of calling me inhuman.
Don’t pay attention to what I said yesterday.
On the contrary, my dear sir.
Especially that you represent
the opinion of certain people.
You don’t say so!
You insulted me in front of other people.
- It was sheer slander. - Slander…
All these things you said about me is a lie.
I absolutely disagree with you.
- Don’t be so cagey. - I’m not.
I’ll get the hang of you.
Please don’t hang me.
- You said I’m hard. - You’re soft.
- And inhuman. - Human.
- Heartless. - Heartful.
- Dry personality. - Wet personality.
- Oh, I’m sorry. - Stop
- laughing at me. - Please… I…
I just…
It was a slip of my tongue.
You’re not wet, you’re kind!
- I look up to you… - Why do you
hate me so much?
- I didn’t intrigue against you. - No, you didn’t.
- Didn’t sack you. - Not yet.
- I am paying you all bonuses. - Yes, you are.
Yes, I criticized your report,
but for a quite obvious reason.
We all love you. Somewhere deep in our hearts.
So deep that I don’t see it.
- But we do. - Stop it!
- You’re so democratic. - Stop lying!
- Stop it! - I’m not lying.
When we come to your office,
- we feel so inspired. - For the love of God!
What are you doing?
- You burst into my office… - What…you’re crying?
…and say foul things about me.
Stop crying – you’re the boss!
It’s none of your business.
I know better.
Calm down.
Have some water.
- May I come in? - Yura, go away.
Go away. We’re in session.
- What’s going on? - She’s sacking him for hooliganism.
Lyudmila Prokofievna, I need to talk to you.
Leave us alone! We’re in session.
Stop bossing about here.
I’m the one who is the administratrix here.
- The boss. - Whatever.
I’m afraid he has got rowdy again.
Stop crying – what are you doing?
- I’m no baby-sitter for you. - And I’m no crap for you.
Anyway, crying will serve you right.
If you can cry, you’re not so hopeless.
It’s okay, I’ll take care of it.
Hello?
- She’s busy. The minister? - The minister?
She has no time for ministers now.
Give me the telephone, what are you doing?
How dare you talk like this to the leadership?
A thing unheard of!
- Have some water. - You have lost your mind.
You hiccup, it’s good.
They all think I’m some monster.
Not all of them, don’t exaggerate.
You’re not such a monster…
Oh, my God, it is unbearable!
Go away! I hate the looks of you!
- Is he still there? - They’ve locked themselves.
Maybe we should break the door?
Have you gone crazy?
Believe me, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.
You began to cry, as a normal person,
- and it was a shock for me. - Oh, leave me alone!
It’s just that…
I’m a lame speaker,
I have always been…
I’m a lame speaker but not a lame thinker.
Anyway, what did the minister say?
The hell I know. I think he didn’t get me.
I have never spoken to ministers before.
What if he wanted me to come?
I can’t go there with such eyes and such a nose…
Just don’t rub them. Let the tears dry, and no one will notice.
It has been ages since I cried.
Though sometimes I feel like crying.
But I can’t cry all by myself, you know.
It’s like an alkie who cries…
…who drinks all by himself.
When you feel like crying,
call for me, and we’ll cry together.
Help me, please.
Thank you.
You’re lucky, because you have two children.
Yes, a boy and… another boy.
And I’m all alone.
In the morning I get up and make some coffee -
not because I want it, but because I just have to.
And then I go to work,
to this office which practically became my house.
And in the evening… Oh, I hate evenings, you know.
I sit here till the janitor comes, clinking with his keys.
I pretend busy. But I have nowhere to go.
Home? Only a TV set waiting for me there.
And I can’t even buy a dog, because who will walk it out?
Of course I have friends and acquaintances,
but they have their families and their life…
I’ve turned into some scarecrow,
while I’m only thirty six.
Thirty six?
Yes, I’m younger than you.
And how old do I look?
Ehh… Thirty five.
You’re lying again, Mr. Novoseltsev.
It’s just that your dressing style is a bit gloomy. You need some ginger.
I didn’t think about it.
Pay in 50 kopecks.
For Borovskikh’s 50th jubilee. It makes 1 kopeck a year.
Jubilees are not popular nowadays.
We’ll pool money for your 50th jubilee, too.
I won’t live to see my jubilee. My work is hazardous.
Very well, Anatoly Efremovich,
you may go.
I’ve a lot of work to do.
And I must find out what the minister wanted.
Don’t be mad at me.
- No ill feelings, okay? - I want to apologize, too,
for this outburst of feelings.
How are you, Tolya?
Mr. Novoseltsev, pay in 50 kopecks.
So, did the old hag sack you?
Don’t call her like this.
- Are you going? - No. I’ve to finish smth.
Yura, can I have a word with you?
Hi, Olya.
What about meeting tomorrow in the evening?
I can’t, we’re going to visit our relatives.
And the day after tomorrow?
We’re going to our friend's birthday party.
And two days thereafter you’ll watch hockey, right?
Weekends is always a problem.
You are my clever girl.
All right, go home.
You need a break after what happened yesterday.
All right, bye. See you tomorrow.
May I come in?
Vera!
Call for
this biggest thinker
of our times…
What do you mean 'who'?
Mr. Novoseltsev, of course.
Come in, Mr. Novoseltsev.
Dear Anatoly Efremovich.
With all due credit, so to say…
To everyone according to his talent…
Strange as it is…
the management… which is me…
decided to make you, one of the best specialists
of Russian statistics - let's call a spade a spade -
head of the light industry sector…
the lightest industry, eh.
What do you think about this idea, Mr. Novoseltsev?
I absolutely disagree with you, Miss Kalugina.
I have no initiative,
I’m awkward,
I’m also too self-conscious, for this, Lyudmila Prokofievna.
I’ll screw up the work of the ehh… lightest industry sector.
- Come in. - Thank you.
- Fear not, Mr. Novoseltsev. - Thank you.
- Have a seat. - Yes, sir.
My name is Anatoly Efremovich.
I’ll remember this, Mr. Novoseltsev.
You needn’t take the trouble,
dear Lyudmila Prokofievna.
On the contrary. Because I consider you to be
the most industrious…
Oh, come on…
Yes, a very industrious worker.
Dear Lyudmila Prokofievna,
you’ll spoil me rotten.
Everyone has gone home.
You’re the only idiot who stayed.
You’re absolutely right - an idiot.
Because you were right in criticizing my report.
I like your modesty.
My modesty is nothing compared to your wisdom,
- dear Lyudmila Prokofievna. - I’m sorry.
- Fine. - Oh, I’m so sorry.
It’s all right – you were born to sit here.
- Kindly take your place. - Kindly feel at home.
Let's change places.
Why do you consider me to be such a bad worker?
Why didn’t you leave with all the rest?
Why such enthusiasm?
As you said – I need to redo my report.
And for this you came to my office? How strange.
Well, I thought you’d help me to redo it.
You’re lying, Anatoly Efremovich.
You stayed because you took pity on me.
I allowed myself to cry in your presence,
I told you my life story, and you believed it.
In fact I’m all right.
Everything couldn’t be better.
Personal life is not everything, you know.
There are a lot of other interesting things.
I’m head of a big institute.
I love my work.
People respect me, someone even fear me.
I was at the ministry, and the minister thanked me.
So, I don’t need your pity
- and your chivalry. - I thought that
in the morning you were real.
But I made a mistake. It’s now that you’re real.
All right. Go home.
Go home to your children.
Go home, do you hear me?
I'm the only one here picking up a present for Borovskikh,
something to please him.
There’s that bronze horse at the antique shop.
Tell Novoseltsev to help me to bring it here tomorrow –
it's real heavy!
The inclemency – ‘tis ruled by heavens.
Even in a moment of distress
Any season, rain or storm or thunder
All of them with gratitude I bless.
My insomnia and joy and wisdom
And the change of failure and success
Are like seasons following each other -
All of them with gratitude I bless.
Year by year – oh what a heavy burden
Threatening to crush you with its press.
But all my years, all by Nature granted,
All my days with gratitude I bless.
I bless the gift of love by heavens granted
And the setting sun and all my tears wept
Like the last day lived on this Earth -
All of this I gratefully accept.
Now it’s autumn and the leaves are falling,
Time to say goodbye and to confess.
All the seasons which are ruled by heavens,
All my life with gratitude I bless.
- Am I disturbing? - Of course not. Come in.
Will you please pass this letter to Mr. Samokhvalov.
- To him personally. - It’s very urgent.
- Please, don’t forget. - It’s part of my duty.
And don’t register it, please.
Alright, I won’t register it.
- Yura. Good morning. - Good morning.
Good morning, Vera.
- Is she here? - Yep. A letter for you.
- Thanks. - Vera, come here please.
Yes, Lyudmila Prokofievna?
- I need to talk to you. - About what?
- Be seated. - I’m all ears.
I need your advice.
You want some more personal data?
Well, no…
You know…
I mean... what people wear nowadays?
- What do you mean? - I mean, what is fashionable?
Why you of all people... I’m sorry.
It’s all right.
A relative of mine came from a little town,
- and she’s interested. - I see.
All right, let’s begin from footwear.
It’s footwear which represents the woman.
- Oh, really? - Today
high-heeled creepers with straps are fashionable.
Creepers? I don’t understand.
Creepers are shoes.
- Or simply footwear. - I see.
As for high leg boots, gathering
- and high heels are fashionable. - Excuse me,
I must write it down.
Of course.
I'll make notes...
- You said, gathering of the heel? - No, of the bootleg.
Does your cousin have beautiful legs?
Well, it's just… usual legs.
Within a norm.
Bad legs should be hidden.
Where?
Under a long skirt.
Jesus, this is uproarious!
- What's going on? - Count of the inventory.
- 43 22 – a chair. - A souvenir.
- What are you doing here? - 19 06 – a chair.
38 92 – a lamp.
- 113 – a chair. - Look, what a cute lamp…
Wait, what the…
Table for presidium – 4308…
What on earth are you doing?
Performing your order.
You're intellectual workers, and so are we.
42 63 – calculating machine…
- Be careful. - Let’s go to the conference room.
- What a shame! - Vase - 13 48.
Locust people. Marauders.
An ink set – 13 19.
A vase – 58 69. Moser.
- And what is this? - A three-letter word.
Erase it.
And also, Lyudmila Prokofievna,
combinatorial aspect is very important, too.
I mean, combinability.
To put on some cute blouse,
or a blazer, on top of a body shirt.
- What is a blazer? - A club coat.
You mean, for clubs?
- For clubs, too. - Okay, I’ll write it down.
So – a blouse, a blazer…
Anyway, it’s not the most important thing.
For example, people don’t wear wigs nowadays, right?
Well, thank God.
It’s better when it’s… with a bit of ginger.
Wigs is like wearing houses on your head.
With a bit of ginger, yes.
So what is left if there are no wigs? Your face.
Eyebrows become of colossal importance.
I’m sorry, but since we’re discussing this,
- take your eyebrows, for example. - What’s wrong with them?
It’s bad taste, you know.
You should declare a war to thick eyebrows!
- A war? In what way? - You should pluck them
- and thin them out. - With what?
Well, with a ruling pen.
Ah, I see.
- My God – it'll hurt! - Bear with it. You’re a woman.
Eyebrows should be thin like a thread,
- raised in a surprise. - Like your eyebrows?
Well, even I am not the best example.
Plucking is only possible under anesthesia.
But even this is not the most important thing.
How can you know a business woman
- from a real woman? - How?
By the way she walks.
- Because you walk like… - Like what?
Like God knows what.
You tie yourself into a knot,
you shrivel like an old down-at heel chukka
and plod along to work -
stomping like an elephant!
But look like we walk!
My God – you mean that’s how I walk?
A woman should have mystery about her.
Your chin raised,
Your eyes lowered…
Here – all relaxed.
Your shoulders pulled back.
You move freely, from your hip.
A springy relaxed style of a panther prepared for a leap.
Men are just crazy about such women.
Is it possible to master this kind of gait?
Even a hare can be taught to smoke.
Nothing is impossible in this world…
- You think so? - …for an intellectual.
Stand here.
Adjust yourself.
- I’m afraid I won’t manage. - You will.
Don’t worry. Your head straight,
- Prop up your breast. - My breast? You’re flattering me.
Everyone is flattering you. Okay, tense your butt.
- Suck in your stomach. - At one and the same time?
- Tense everything. - Tense everything?
And walk towards me!
From your hip! Relax! Now!
My God, you look vulgar.
You waggle your hips like you know what.
- Do you like it? - A beautiful horsie.
This horsie is heavy like a mammoth.
- It's a real ordeal. - For whom?
For Borovskikh’s 50th jubilee.
Only don’t tell him anything!
- Where did you buy the goose? - They’re all sold out.
- You’re a woman, not a ramrod! - A forgotten feeling.
And a playful smile on your lips.
Let the men think you’re all right.
Breathe freely, boost up elegancy.
And no kicking – you’re not a maverick.
Go on! Smile! Where are you going?
Where are you going, Lyudmila Prokofievna?
Lyudmila Prokofievna!
Allow us to hide this horse in the closet.
Wh… what for?
Lest our birthday boy get happy before time.
All right. Where are you going to hide it?
- In the closet. - Will it fit into it?
- We’ll squeeze it in. - Shura – someone’s calling for you.
Okay. Hide this horse. I’m coming.
- Anything more? - No, thanks.
I’ll sign everything that you brought to me.
All right. We'll take care of everything, you're welcome.
What have you been doing right now?
- P…put the horse down. - It’s okay. I’m strong.
Everything’s all right at home? Feeling well?
Why are you asking?
Do I look like an ill person or something?
Everything’s all right at home.
My friend picked me up with his ‘Volga’.
A Volga? Where did he get so much money?
Money is no problem for him.
He’s an aircraft designer. We went to a restaurant.
What restaurant?
Put it down. Stop clutching it.
- I like horses. - What restaurant?
We went to Aragvi.
We ordered all kind of… eatables…
Fried chicken, walnut sauce, shish kebab…
- Mutton pies… - Mutton pies?
- And what did you drink? - Khvanchkara wine.
- But you don’t drink. - Why?
A good glass of good wine,
in a good company… Put this horse down.
- You’ll overstrain yourself. - No, I won’t.
It’s a little horse. A pony.
And what happened after the restaurant?
You’re outreaching yourself.
Put the horse down, why are you doing this?
- I love animals. - And how did you spend your evening?
Modestly. I took a bus and went home.
Then I helped my senior son with his homework,
he’s eight, and then I played with my younger son.
- And then my wife… - Oh really?
- called us for supper. - Your wife’s name is Liza?
It’s too heavy, shall I help you?
- Liza with a braid? - Yes.
- Or maybe it wasn’t her? - No, ‘twas her.
You have no wife, Anatoly Efremovich.
Why are you lying all the time?
I’m following your example.
I know that you made up this aircraft designer of yours.
How dare you? I’m your boss.
Why did you drop the horse?
What are you doing?
I fell down.
- You fell down? - Yep. From the horsie.
- Stop pretending. - I’m dying.
- Stop playing a fool. - I’m serious.
Kindly get up and leave, you and your horse.
- A bump. It hurts. - A bump?
You need a cold compress.
- An on-the-job injury. - There is no bump.
- It will appear soon. - In this case
you need a cold compress.
You don’t have to do it personally.
Tell your secretary to take care of me.
Stop treating me as your boss!
Lyudmila Prokofievna. Bublikov has died.
Why? I didn’t issue no order… He died?
- Yes. - But why?
I don’t know yet. Pay in. We must buy a wreath.
- How much? - 50 kopecks.
For a wreath and an orchestra.
If someone else dies or gets born today,
I’ll be left without my lunch.
- Put your signature. - One minute,
I’m the boss here.
Let me pay.
Why are you lying here? Why didn’t you put
- the horse in the closet? - We didn’t get as far as the closet.
How are you? Do you feel any better?
- I? No… - What’s this? A bump?
No, there’s no bump. It’s all right.
Get up. Shall I help you?
- Get up. - Thank you.
Go and return to your… work.
Yes. My apologies on behalf of myself
- and the horsie. - I hope…
you feel better, Anatoly Efremovich?
I’ll tell you frankly:
compared to the deceased Bublikov, I’m just fine.
Well… you may go.
- Hi. - Hi.
You’re carrying out our plan as I can see?
I and my horsie were fulfilling an important task.
And we fell down.
Yura, did you talk about my appointment with her?
There was no occasion.
- But I’ll talk to her. - Don’t. Forget about it.
I changed my mind.
You’re so strange, you know.
Vera – tell the boss I have left to the ministry.
- Yes? - Alyona?
I’m going to tell you smth, it’s a bomb.
There’s that Ryzhova sitting next to you.
A bottle bond, yeah, a bag lady.
Turn back.
Yes, the one with vulgar roses on her blouse.
Yes, so she brought a letter for Samokhvalov.
She left it on my desk.
I know it’s bad to read other people’s letters,
but it was real thrilling. Listen:
Dear Yura.
I couldn’t make up my mind for a long time…
What is gone is gone, but…
I know that women in their forties sometimes do silly things…
Well, she hit the mark here.
And I know that you don’t care at all.
But when you appeared here, I realized
it was you that I loved during all these years.
She’s a step away from pension, but she wants an adventure, eh.
And this is what I call a sexual revolution!
Can you imagine this?
She must have gone bonkers.
Only, please, mum is the word.
End of Part One