1 00:00:50,243 --> 00:00:52,677 ##[Piano] 2 00:00:55,715 --> 00:00:58,275 ##[Piano Continues] 3 00:00:58,351 --> 00:01:01,616 [Pinball Machine Dinging] 4 00:01:10,229 --> 00:01:12,459 Hey, Radar. Don't you know another song? 5 00:01:12,531 --> 00:01:14,863 He doesn't even know that one. 6 00:01:14,934 --> 00:01:17,630 Radar, you could be arrested for felonious fingering. 7 00:01:19,305 --> 00:01:21,239 [Man On P.A.] Attention, all personnel. 8 00:01:21,307 --> 00:01:23,969 Since there are no casualties again today, 9 00:01:24,043 --> 00:01:27,479 tonight's midnight movie will be seen at 9.00 this morning. 10 00:01:27,546 --> 00:01:29,707 Also, midnight will be canceled. 11 00:01:35,288 --> 00:01:37,620 [Snoring] 12 00:01:42,595 --> 00:01:45,359 Ah, good morning, Colonel Blake. 13 00:01:45,431 --> 00:01:48,366 Improving the outer man, I see. 14 00:01:48,434 --> 00:01:50,800 Excuse me, Father. You're blocking the sun. 15 00:01:50,870 --> 00:01:55,239 Hmm? Oh. Oh. Well, let there be light. 16 00:02:03,950 --> 00:02:06,748 - I don't believe it. - [Burns] Little to the left. 17 00:02:08,487 --> 00:02:10,819 That's it. Ah! 18 00:02:10,890 --> 00:02:13,552 Steady as she goes. 19 00:02:13,626 --> 00:02:16,288 Frank? What's going on here? 20 00:02:16,362 --> 00:02:19,160 - Everything all right at home, Frank? - Can't talk now. 21 00:02:19,231 --> 00:02:22,394 That ketchup bottle wants to be just a hair to starboard. 22 00:02:23,469 --> 00:02:26,734 Ah! All right. 23 00:02:26,806 --> 00:02:29,036 Let me handle this. I did a year at Bellevue. 24 00:02:34,847 --> 00:02:36,781 What are you doing, Frank? 25 00:02:36,849 --> 00:02:39,545 If you'll kneel at the end and get the tabletop at eye level, 26 00:02:39,618 --> 00:02:43,054 you'll see that each ketchup lines up as if there's only one bottle of ketchup. 27 00:02:43,122 --> 00:02:45,056 Same is true of your condiments, 28 00:02:45,124 --> 00:02:47,490 which are arranged according to height and popularity. 29 00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:49,790 There's your ketchup, your mustard, your relish, 30 00:02:49,862 --> 00:02:51,727 mayonnaise, oil and vinegar, salt and pepper... 31 00:02:51,797 --> 00:02:53,628 and sweet and sour gherkins all in a row. 32 00:03:02,675 --> 00:03:05,872 I think we should do something with Frank's head and mail it back to him. 33 00:03:05,945 --> 00:03:07,879 In a jar. 34 00:03:08,948 --> 00:03:10,882 Perfecto! 35 00:03:10,950 --> 00:03:13,578 [Laughs] 36 00:03:13,652 --> 00:03:16,485 - [Knock At Door] - [Klinger] Father Mulcahy, are you in? 37 00:03:16,555 --> 00:03:18,489 And open for business. 38 00:03:20,259 --> 00:03:23,285 Ah, Klinger. Very smart outfit. 39 00:03:23,362 --> 00:03:26,354 - You busy, Father? - Just washing my feet. 40 00:03:26,432 --> 00:03:29,560 Parenthetically, did you know that it was the custom on Holy Thursday... 41 00:03:29,635 --> 00:03:31,728 for the pope to wash a poor man's feet? 42 00:03:31,804 --> 00:03:34,500 - So? - Well, there's not much chance... 43 00:03:34,573 --> 00:03:38,134 of His Holiness showing up here, so I thought I'd do my own. 44 00:03:38,210 --> 00:03:41,179 [Laughs] 45 00:03:41,247 --> 00:03:44,239 But seriously, Klinger, what can I do for you? 46 00:03:44,316 --> 00:03:48,650 Well, Father, it's so quiet around here, what do they need me for? 47 00:03:48,721 --> 00:03:50,848 I'd like to get your opinion of this letter. 48 00:03:52,425 --> 00:03:55,223 "Dear General Mitchell, Here's one more picture of myself... 49 00:03:55,294 --> 00:03:59,253 "to prove I am mentally unbalanced and deservant of a psychological discharge. 50 00:03:59,331 --> 00:04:01,356 You will notice that the dress I am wearing..." 51 00:04:03,369 --> 00:04:05,633 - Oh, dear. - "Is an exact copy... 52 00:04:05,704 --> 00:04:07,934 "of the one Rita Hayworth wore in Gilda. 53 00:04:08,007 --> 00:04:12,410 "At least it's close. I only saw it once and I was sewing from memory. 54 00:04:12,478 --> 00:04:15,709 "I'm a desperate man, General, and unless you give me the discharge, 55 00:04:15,781 --> 00:04:19,512 "I'll send the picture to your wife and say you've been seeing me on the side. 56 00:04:19,585 --> 00:04:23,646 Yours truly, Corporal Klinger, MASH, 4077 th." 57 00:04:23,722 --> 00:04:27,055 - What do you think, Father? - Klinger, 58 00:04:27,126 --> 00:04:30,391 the Lord moves in mysterious ways, 59 00:04:30,463 --> 00:04:32,829 but you take the cake. 60 00:04:32,898 --> 00:04:35,890 ## [Off-key, "Reveille"] 61 00:04:47,379 --> 00:04:50,837 [Pounding] 62 00:04:50,916 --> 00:04:52,941 [Burns] Hey, get me outta this! 63 00:04:56,322 --> 00:04:59,985 - Is anybody there? - Anybody where, Frank? 64 00:05:00,059 --> 00:05:02,357 Get me out of here, you animals! 65 00:05:02,428 --> 00:05:04,362 - Out of where, Frank? - [Pounding Continues] 66 00:05:07,533 --> 00:05:09,728 I'm boxed in! 67 00:05:09,802 --> 00:05:12,396 We all feel that way at times, Frank. 68 00:05:12,471 --> 00:05:14,405 You guys will pay for this! 69 00:05:14,473 --> 00:05:17,670 Take it easy, Frank. The pilot says we'll be in Chicago in an hour. 70 00:05:17,810 --> 00:05:20,608 Hey, guys, let's settle down, huh? 71 00:05:20,679 --> 00:05:23,443 Folks, I'd really like to get started. 72 00:05:23,516 --> 00:05:25,916 I'd really like to get... Radar? 73 00:05:25,985 --> 00:05:27,919 Quiet! 74 00:05:28,988 --> 00:05:31,286 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 75 00:05:36,162 --> 00:05:40,223 Well, being as how we've got so much spare time on our hands lately, 76 00:05:40,299 --> 00:05:42,824 I thought I'd deliver the required commanding officer's... 77 00:05:42,902 --> 00:05:45,996 monthly, uh, orientation lecture this morning, 78 00:05:46,071 --> 00:05:50,371 rather than wait for another time, which while we have it, why not use it, huh? 79 00:05:50,442 --> 00:05:54,276 So, uh, if you guys are ready, why, we'll start with today's subject. 80 00:05:54,346 --> 00:05:56,280 Which is what, Henry? 81 00:05:56,348 --> 00:05:58,407 I'm going to answer questions later, Mclntyre. 82 00:05:58,484 --> 00:06:02,011 Give us the subject first, in case we can't tell what it is from your talk. 83 00:06:03,556 --> 00:06:06,719 Could you quiet up? 84 00:06:06,792 --> 00:06:10,819 No, seriously, guys, this is a, uh, not an easy lecture to give, 85 00:06:10,896 --> 00:06:16,241 and I'd appreciate the, uh, fullest of your total attention on this. 86 00:06:16,375 --> 00:06:17,842 - Uh, Radar? - Yes, sir. 87 00:06:19,878 --> 00:06:21,812 - [Laughter] - There we go. 88 00:06:28,653 --> 00:06:31,486 I think I'll check on my candle shipment. 89 00:06:34,459 --> 00:06:38,555 - Simmer down. Radar, do you want to... - Yes, sir. 90 00:06:38,630 --> 00:06:44,296 Well, here are our old friends... Figure "A" and Figure "B." 91 00:06:44,369 --> 00:06:47,566 Man, woman; mom, dad; boy, girl. 92 00:06:47,639 --> 00:06:50,233 Maggie and Jiggs. 93 00:06:50,308 --> 00:06:55,644 Now, uh, whether a person be an "A" or a "B," 94 00:06:55,714 --> 00:06:57,807 he or she is blessed with a... 95 00:06:57,883 --> 00:07:01,148 - [Laughter] - I mean... 96 00:07:03,255 --> 00:07:07,191 Okay, after all, I, uh, I guess I don't have to... 97 00:07:07,259 --> 00:07:09,887 tell you what you Figure B's are blessed with. 98 00:07:11,997 --> 00:07:14,261 The human body, you know, can... 99 00:07:14,332 --> 00:07:16,800 whether she be "A" or he be "B"... 100 00:07:16,868 --> 00:07:21,703 can find itself with a certain kind of, um, medical trouble. 101 00:07:21,773 --> 00:07:24,003 What kind of trouble is that, Henry? 102 00:07:24,076 --> 00:07:26,874 I'll come to that later. 103 00:07:26,945 --> 00:07:29,072 I may not be awake then. 104 00:07:29,147 --> 00:07:34,312 Now, guys, uh, some of you are going back home to your wives. 105 00:07:34,386 --> 00:07:36,946 Some of you are going back to your sweethearts. 106 00:07:37,022 --> 00:07:39,422 And some, for all I know, are going back to both. 107 00:07:40,559 --> 00:07:43,119 I've heard this guy. He's great. 108 00:07:43,195 --> 00:07:45,755 Irregardless of what you've got waiting, I mean, uh, 109 00:07:45,831 --> 00:07:50,996 you owe it to that waitee to return home with a clean mind and a clean body. 110 00:07:51,069 --> 00:07:54,061 - [Laughter] - Because, like I like to say, 111 00:07:54,139 --> 00:07:57,939 "Clean is as clean does and clean does as clean thinks." 112 00:07:58,009 --> 00:08:00,136 Henry! 113 00:08:00,212 --> 00:08:03,204 Figure "A"just fell asleep. 114 00:08:03,281 --> 00:08:05,408 Mclntyre, we can do without the levity. 115 00:08:05,484 --> 00:08:07,748 Will you stop "levitting"? 116 00:08:07,819 --> 00:08:10,253 Well, uh, excuse me. 117 00:08:11,389 --> 00:08:14,324 [Clears Throat] "Difficult, you ask?" 118 00:08:14,392 --> 00:08:18,829 Of course. Well, I can understand that question having just asked it myself. 119 00:08:19,931 --> 00:08:22,695 Look, it is, uh, difficult, men. 120 00:08:22,767 --> 00:08:26,931 Uh, um, I mean, really. You're, uh... 121 00:08:27,005 --> 00:08:30,406 It's Saturday night. You got a 24-hour pass. 122 00:08:30,475 --> 00:08:34,309 - You're 20,000 miles from home. - You can't make it. I tried. 123 00:08:34,379 --> 00:08:38,440 You walk into a bar, and it's full of "B" girls. 124 00:08:38,517 --> 00:08:40,451 Shh! 125 00:08:40,519 --> 00:08:43,352 Now, you guys know what I'm talking about, men. 126 00:08:43,421 --> 00:08:46,049 Resist. You know what I mean? Use your heads. 127 00:08:46,124 --> 00:08:48,456 Use your common sense. Come on now. 128 00:08:48,527 --> 00:08:51,360 Quit giggling, guys. I'm gonna level with you. 129 00:08:51,429 --> 00:08:53,522 Shh! 130 00:08:53,598 --> 00:08:56,499 You've got to fight temptation. 131 00:08:56,568 --> 00:08:59,401 I mean, now look. Okay. 132 00:08:59,471 --> 00:09:03,373 Whatever you do, don't run the risk of catching today's subject. 133 00:09:06,178 --> 00:09:09,614 Are there any questions at all? 134 00:09:09,681 --> 00:09:12,616 - Radar? - Sir, I just have one question. 135 00:09:12,684 --> 00:09:14,811 - What is it? - Do you suppose that someday... 136 00:09:14,886 --> 00:09:17,320 you could give us a talk on V.D.? 137 00:09:17,389 --> 00:09:19,323 [Laughter] 138 00:09:25,230 --> 00:09:28,461 - Hey! Bravo! - Hey! Bravo! 139 00:09:28,533 --> 00:09:30,865 Excuse me. 140 00:09:30,936 --> 00:09:33,962 - You want that card? - Uh, no. 141 00:09:34,039 --> 00:09:38,442 Packages for you, sirs. From the Peerless Costume Company, Philadelphia? 142 00:09:38,510 --> 00:09:40,444 - Hey! - [Laughs] 143 00:09:40,512 --> 00:09:43,310 - That's it! They got here! - Yeah, terrific! 144 00:09:43,381 --> 00:09:45,315 Hey, this will liven the joint up. Thanks, Klinger. 145 00:09:45,383 --> 00:09:47,317 - Yes, sir. - Hey, I like it. 146 00:09:47,385 --> 00:09:50,320 - I just made it. - How do you do it on your salary? 147 00:09:52,657 --> 00:09:54,682 - Hey. - Ain't that beautiful? 148 00:09:56,194 --> 00:09:59,823 Frank, you've got to do it sometime. 149 00:09:59,898 --> 00:10:03,356 Why can't you face your hernia? 150 00:10:03,435 --> 00:10:06,495 - I don't want to be operated on. - Now is the perfect time. 151 00:10:06,571 --> 00:10:08,630 The O.R.'s quiet, and they're not busy. 152 00:10:08,707 --> 00:10:11,870 Before I'd let them operate, I'd wear an iron truss. 153 00:10:11,943 --> 00:10:14,411 Fair is fair. They're excellent surgeons. 154 00:10:14,479 --> 00:10:16,470 Oh, they're all flash. 155 00:10:16,548 --> 00:10:20,507 I mean, so they save their patients. Neither one of them owns his own car. 156 00:10:21,586 --> 00:10:23,952 Frank, they can relieve your pain. 157 00:10:24,022 --> 00:10:28,186 Fat lot those two Bulgarians care about my pain. 158 00:10:28,260 --> 00:10:30,228 Did I tell you about the boxing? 159 00:10:30,295 --> 00:10:34,425 - They didn't hit you, Frank. - No, they crated me in my sleep. 160 00:10:34,499 --> 00:10:38,401 - No, you never told me. - I don't tell you half their stunts. 161 00:10:38,470 --> 00:10:41,769 - I mentioned the oatmeal in my gas mask? - Yes, you did. 162 00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:44,900 How about when they stapled a whole roll of my toilet paper? 163 00:10:44,976 --> 00:10:47,877 Frank, they're beneath contempt. 164 00:10:47,946 --> 00:10:50,107 They're not fit to shine your clusters. 165 00:10:50,181 --> 00:10:53,048 And you're asking me to put myself into their hands? 166 00:10:53,118 --> 00:10:55,086 Yes. It's true they're incorrigible. 167 00:10:55,153 --> 00:10:57,781 They're also two of the very best surgeons I've ever seen. 168 00:10:57,856 --> 00:11:00,654 Oh? Really? 169 00:11:00,725 --> 00:11:02,989 Well, where do you stand on yours truly? 170 00:11:03,061 --> 00:11:06,053 - Oh, Frank. - No, let's have it out. 171 00:11:06,131 --> 00:11:08,964 As professionals. Nurse to doctor. 172 00:11:09,034 --> 00:11:11,935 How do I rate with you as a surgeon? 173 00:11:12,003 --> 00:11:15,200 Oh, Frank, don't you have enough pain? 174 00:11:16,908 --> 00:11:18,842 [Pierce] Let's see. You're holding tens. 175 00:11:20,612 --> 00:11:23,479 - Take a card! Pick a card! - Don't rush me! 176 00:11:23,548 --> 00:11:25,482 What was the knock card? 177 00:11:30,288 --> 00:11:33,485 Frank, it's for your own good. You need this operation. 178 00:11:33,558 --> 00:11:36,049 Well, when they have me open, who knows what they'll stick in. 179 00:11:36,127 --> 00:11:39,255 Oh, they wouldn't. They're not inhuman. 180 00:11:39,331 --> 00:11:41,265 [Margaret Gasps] 181 00:11:43,268 --> 00:11:46,465 Pierce? Mclntyre? 182 00:11:46,538 --> 00:11:49,006 - What is it, Frank? - Take off those masks! 183 00:11:49,074 --> 00:11:51,565 Take off those suits! 184 00:11:51,643 --> 00:11:55,704 - We will if you will. - Where did you get those costumes? 185 00:11:55,780 --> 00:11:58,112 - What costumes? - The costumes you're wearing. 186 00:11:58,183 --> 00:12:01,846 These aren't costumes. We stopped shaving last month. 187 00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:05,822 - Margaret, how can I possibly? - Be strong, Frank. Go ahead. 188 00:12:07,058 --> 00:12:10,494 I want to talk to you both... as doctors. 189 00:12:12,797 --> 00:12:15,231 [Grunting, Snorting] 190 00:12:17,602 --> 00:12:19,536 What's the problem, Frank? 191 00:12:19,604 --> 00:12:24,735 Well, I've had this condition that's needed attention for about ten years. 192 00:12:26,344 --> 00:12:29,810 Why do people always wait so long before they go to their gorilla? 193 00:12:29,944 --> 00:12:33,380 Will you be serious? This man has a hernia. 194 00:12:33,447 --> 00:12:36,939 Um, I... would like to... 195 00:12:37,017 --> 00:12:41,181 ask you if you'd, uh, consider operating on me. 196 00:12:41,255 --> 00:12:43,621 One moment. I'll have to check with my colleague. 197 00:12:43,691 --> 00:12:46,125 [Both Grunting, Snorting] 198 00:12:53,534 --> 00:12:55,798 [Screeching] 199 00:12:58,472 --> 00:13:01,532 We'll do it... me and the missus. 200 00:13:04,511 --> 00:13:07,912 - Margaret! - I'll be here every moment. 201 00:13:07,982 --> 00:13:11,918 If anything should happen, would you write my wife? 202 00:13:11,986 --> 00:13:14,284 Are you out of your mind? 203 00:13:14,355 --> 00:13:16,414 Evenin', chillun! How y'all? 204 00:13:16,490 --> 00:13:19,618 Oh, Lord! 205 00:13:19,693 --> 00:13:23,561 Let's hear it now for that great star of stage, screen and surgery... 206 00:13:23,631 --> 00:13:25,622 Dr. Benjamin Franklin Pierce, 207 00:13:25,699 --> 00:13:29,499 his dirty fingernails and his orchestra! 208 00:13:29,570 --> 00:13:33,028 Thank you for that fine introduction. Thank you. Thank you. 209 00:13:33,107 --> 00:13:35,234 And now, ladies and germs, with your very kind permission, 210 00:13:35,309 --> 00:13:38,107 we'd like to do a little operation we've had a lot of luck with. 211 00:13:38,178 --> 00:13:40,544 We certainly hope it turns out to be one of yours. 212 00:13:40,614 --> 00:13:42,548 You said you would be serious! 213 00:13:42,616 --> 00:13:45,642 Oh, quite right. Give the patient a local. 214 00:13:45,719 --> 00:13:47,744 - Rusty needle, please. - Oh! 215 00:13:47,821 --> 00:13:49,948 [Man On P.A.] Attention, all personnel. 216 00:13:50,024 --> 00:13:53,460 Attention! Incoming wounded! Incoming wounded! 217 00:13:53,527 --> 00:13:55,859 - Both shifts report to surgery. - Well, the party's over. 218 00:13:55,929 --> 00:13:57,863 - Back in business, damn it! - Get up, Frank. 219 00:13:57,931 --> 00:13:59,865 Well, what about my hernia? 220 00:13:59,933 --> 00:14:02,299 Keep it for a few days. If you like it, it's yours. 221 00:14:02,369 --> 00:14:04,963 Suit up, Frank. We're promoting you from patient to doctor. 222 00:14:05,039 --> 00:14:07,769 You can do it. Just cut along the dotted line. 223 00:14:09,276 --> 00:14:11,210 Don't look. 224 00:14:13,914 --> 00:14:16,382 He's an idiot, but he's really stacked. 225 00:14:18,085 --> 00:14:20,485 All right. Step right up, folks. The war is back in town. 226 00:14:20,554 --> 00:14:22,545 - Post and pre-op personnel stand by. - All right. Come on. 227 00:14:22,623 --> 00:14:24,818 Ambulance drivers report to their stations immediately. 228 00:14:27,795 --> 00:14:29,729 - Sponge. - [Explosion In Distance] 229 00:14:29,797 --> 00:14:31,890 [Chattering] 230 00:14:31,965 --> 00:14:35,230 [Jet Passes Overhead] 231 00:14:39,907 --> 00:14:41,932 [Man] Suture. 232 00:14:42,009 --> 00:14:44,500 Well, they certainly didn't forget how to hurt each other. Rib cutter. 233 00:14:44,578 --> 00:14:47,547 - Rib cutter. - Start another unit of whole blood. 234 00:14:47,614 --> 00:14:49,548 This is gonna be a long one. 235 00:14:49,616 --> 00:14:52,483 [Mclntyre] You doing okay? All right. Gimme a sponge. 236 00:14:52,553 --> 00:14:54,885 - Move your pretty bottom, honey. - Sorry, Doctor. 237 00:14:54,955 --> 00:14:57,890 - Tie that off. - [Man On P.A.] Attention. 238 00:14:57,958 --> 00:15:00,722 Due to continuing heavy incoming casualties, 239 00:15:00,794 --> 00:15:03,490 the mess tent will remain open all night. 240 00:15:03,564 --> 00:15:06,761 And that ends the 8:00 food warning. Scalpel. 241 00:15:06,834 --> 00:15:08,768 [Explosion In Distance] 242 00:15:10,504 --> 00:15:13,598 - You got a pretty good tan, Henry. - Well, I'm paying for it now. 243 00:15:13,674 --> 00:15:16,438 [Explosion In Distance] 244 00:15:16,510 --> 00:15:18,501 [Blake] I hope this guy doesn't toss in his sleep. 245 00:15:18,579 --> 00:15:21,742 [Mclntyre] Gimme another one. Hold this. Hold this. 246 00:15:21,815 --> 00:15:24,716 Gimme another clamp. Hurry up! Let's go! Fast! 247 00:15:24,785 --> 00:15:28,221 [Nurse] We need some more sponges here. 248 00:15:28,288 --> 00:15:30,222 [Explosions Continue] 249 00:15:32,159 --> 00:15:35,959 - Frank, how do you feel? - I'd be better without the chatter. 250 00:15:36,029 --> 00:15:39,123 Is that nice? After all the trouble I went through lining things up. 251 00:15:39,199 --> 00:15:41,997 - Lining what things up? - Lf you get down at the end of the room, 252 00:15:42,069 --> 00:15:44,503 you'll see the gallbladders are all in one line. 253 00:15:44,571 --> 00:15:46,505 Then the livers, then colons... 254 00:15:46,573 --> 00:15:48,507 all the organs arranged according to height and popularity. 255 00:15:48,575 --> 00:15:50,702 Oh, can the malarkey! 256 00:15:50,778 --> 00:15:52,712 [Explosion] 257 00:15:52,780 --> 00:15:56,876 Hey! Did anyone remember to light up the Red Cross sign? 258 00:15:56,950 --> 00:15:59,248 [Blake] Hell's bells. I just paid the bill. 259 00:15:59,319 --> 00:16:01,310 [Explosions Continue] 260 00:16:01,388 --> 00:16:03,322 - Try the three. Hold that. - Colonel? 261 00:16:03,390 --> 00:16:05,324 - Yo! - You busy? 262 00:16:05,392 --> 00:16:10,159 Not at all. I'm just telling this man's fortune by reading his bowels. 263 00:16:10,230 --> 00:16:12,095 [All Laughing] 264 00:16:12,166 --> 00:16:15,499 Supply sent me. We're dangerously low on whole blood. 265 00:16:15,569 --> 00:16:17,867 Aw, wouldn't that strip your gears? 266 00:16:17,938 --> 00:16:20,429 For two weeks, we've been sitting around on our duffs. 267 00:16:20,507 --> 00:16:22,532 While we could have been bleeding into bottles. 268 00:16:22,609 --> 00:16:25,009 All right. Watch the finger, will you, Mclntyre? 269 00:16:25,078 --> 00:16:27,046 - I'm sorry. - Organize some donors, Father. 270 00:16:27,114 --> 00:16:29,674 - Get plenty of blood. - You've just been promoted to vampire. 271 00:16:29,750 --> 00:16:31,684 - Turn in your cross. - [Mclntyre] You got that? 272 00:16:31,752 --> 00:16:33,686 - That is my finger! - All right. 273 00:16:33,754 --> 00:16:37,918 Uh, hello? Yeah, 789th Artillery? 274 00:16:37,991 --> 00:16:41,825 Yeah, this is 4077 th MASH. Corporal O'Reilly. 275 00:16:41,895 --> 00:16:43,954 Listen. We're getting a lot of near misses here. 276 00:16:44,031 --> 00:16:47,091 Can you find out who's doing it? 277 00:16:47,167 --> 00:16:49,158 You're doing it? 278 00:16:49,236 --> 00:16:51,170 Listen, buddy. We're a hospital. 279 00:16:51,238 --> 00:16:54,264 How would you like it if we fired patients at you? 280 00:16:54,341 --> 00:16:56,275 What? 281 00:16:56,343 --> 00:16:58,277 Those are your orders? 282 00:16:58,345 --> 00:17:00,836 To knock the enamel off of 500 bedpans? 283 00:17:00,914 --> 00:17:03,178 Who gave you those orders? 284 00:17:03,250 --> 00:17:05,741 Wait a minute. Hold on. What? 285 00:17:05,819 --> 00:17:09,050 [Man] That's it. Go take this to the E.R. 286 00:17:14,795 --> 00:17:16,729 This is very good of you all. 287 00:17:16,797 --> 00:17:19,129 Don't get up too fast. Have some orange juice. 288 00:17:20,467 --> 00:17:24,267 - Oh, Klinger, how good of you. - It's ridiculous. 289 00:17:24,338 --> 00:17:27,501 A million miles from home, laying on a table like a centerpiece... 290 00:17:27,574 --> 00:17:29,804 and somebody's siphoning me for blood. 291 00:17:29,877 --> 00:17:33,335 Well, don't talk too much. Donating can make you dizzy. 292 00:17:33,413 --> 00:17:36,177 I know. I brought along a pair of low heels. 293 00:17:38,051 --> 00:17:41,646 Okay, remove that clamp. We're in the homestretch now, honey. 294 00:17:41,722 --> 00:17:43,747 - [Explosion] - [All Groaning] 295 00:17:43,824 --> 00:17:46,622 - This neighborhood is going to hell. - [Blake] Any minute now. 296 00:17:46,693 --> 00:17:49,457 [Burns] Okay, you close. I've done the important part. 297 00:17:49,529 --> 00:17:52,430 How'd everything go today, dear? 298 00:17:52,499 --> 00:17:55,127 Kindly do not block the aisles! 299 00:17:55,202 --> 00:17:57,136 Oh! Ow! 300 00:17:57,204 --> 00:17:59,263 - What is it? - My hernia! 301 00:17:59,339 --> 00:18:01,637 - Strangulated, Frank? - I think so. 302 00:18:01,708 --> 00:18:04,700 - Henry! - I'm up to my wrists in guts. 303 00:18:04,778 --> 00:18:07,440 - Trap? - No, I can't. I got an open chest here. 304 00:18:07,514 --> 00:18:09,812 - Can you close? - Yes, Doctor. 305 00:18:09,883 --> 00:18:12,215 - Old chromic, right? - Right. 306 00:18:12,286 --> 00:18:15,312 - Frank, you sure? - You gotta operate now! 307 00:18:15,389 --> 00:18:18,119 - All the tables are taken. - I don't need a table! Do it anywhere! 308 00:18:18,191 --> 00:18:21,752 - Do it on the floor! - If we do, I'll have to clean it up. 309 00:18:21,828 --> 00:18:23,762 - Somebody throw me a nurse. - [Houlihan] Murphy! 310 00:18:23,830 --> 00:18:26,060 - Gimme a hand, will you? - What are you doing? 311 00:18:26,133 --> 00:18:28,533 - We may not have to operate. - Where are we going? 312 00:18:28,602 --> 00:18:31,503 - The Mayo Clinic. I know the headwaiter. - Oh! 313 00:18:31,571 --> 00:18:33,505 Regimental headquarters? 314 00:18:33,573 --> 00:18:37,100 This is MASH 4077 th. Major O'Reilly speaking. 315 00:18:37,177 --> 00:18:40,374 We're getting a mess of artillery here. I'm told you people ordered it. 316 00:18:40,447 --> 00:18:42,642 I want it stopped right now, and that's an order! 317 00:18:44,318 --> 00:18:46,809 What? 318 00:18:46,887 --> 00:18:49,947 Uh, well, I'm 19. 319 00:18:51,258 --> 00:18:54,386 Look, buddy, my C.O. Told me to call. He's busy! 320 00:18:54,461 --> 00:18:57,453 Well... Try who? 321 00:18:57,531 --> 00:18:59,658 All right. Wait a minute. Hold on. 322 00:18:59,733 --> 00:19:02,167 You think this will work? 323 00:19:02,235 --> 00:19:05,102 It's been known to happen, Frank. The intestine might slip back into place. 324 00:19:05,172 --> 00:19:07,265 All the blood's rushing to my head. 325 00:19:07,341 --> 00:19:09,275 I can't understand the attraction. 326 00:19:10,944 --> 00:19:12,878 Don't worry, Frank. We'll fix you up. 327 00:19:12,946 --> 00:19:14,937 You'll be walking all over people again in no time. 328 00:19:15,015 --> 00:19:18,382 - Really? - [Explosion] 329 00:19:18,452 --> 00:19:20,386 - What was that? - Nothing, Frank. 330 00:19:20,454 --> 00:19:22,422 The folks down the block wanna kill us. 331 00:19:25,158 --> 00:19:28,127 - Oh! - It's for the pain, Frank. 332 00:19:28,195 --> 00:19:31,392 Oh! 333 00:19:31,465 --> 00:19:33,626 You have so much to do, and I'm a bother. 334 00:19:33,700 --> 00:19:37,067 - Yes, Frank, you're a bother. - I'm a pest and a nuisance. 335 00:19:37,137 --> 00:19:40,300 Yes, Frank, you're a pest and a nuisance and a bother. 336 00:19:40,374 --> 00:19:43,343 [Laughs] You're only saying that to make me feel good. 337 00:19:43,410 --> 00:19:45,344 Right, Frank. 338 00:19:45,412 --> 00:19:48,381 It was naughty of you to pack me in a crate. 339 00:19:48,448 --> 00:19:50,916 I could have suffocated. 340 00:19:50,984 --> 00:19:53,710 No chance. We made airholes. 341 00:19:53,844 --> 00:19:57,473 And we put lettuce in. And a carrot. 342 00:19:59,382 --> 00:20:01,976 And some shredded newspaper in case you had an accident. 343 00:20:04,154 --> 00:20:06,088 Fred? 344 00:20:07,991 --> 00:20:11,984 - Yes, Frank. - Do you think the principal saw us? 345 00:20:14,498 --> 00:20:17,160 Corporal. 346 00:20:17,234 --> 00:20:19,566 - Let me see if I've got this right. - Go ahead, Father. 347 00:20:19,636 --> 00:20:21,570 - Forceps. - Forceps. 348 00:20:21,638 --> 00:20:23,572 You want a B.L.T. On wheat toast. 349 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,574 - Hold the mayo. - Right. And a chocolate shake. 350 00:20:25,642 --> 00:20:28,236 All right, let's tie this vessel, then we'll start on the bladder. 351 00:20:28,311 --> 00:20:30,245 - Right. - Chocolate shake. 352 00:20:30,313 --> 00:20:32,247 - Thick. - You got it. 353 00:20:32,315 --> 00:20:34,647 Come on, sweetie. Let's go. 354 00:20:34,718 --> 00:20:36,709 Trapper, can I take your order? 355 00:20:36,786 --> 00:20:39,812 It's about time. I've been trying to get a priest for half an hour. 356 00:20:39,890 --> 00:20:42,188 Oh, this is not my table. 357 00:20:43,460 --> 00:20:46,623 If my hands could talk, they'd scream. 358 00:20:46,696 --> 00:20:50,359 - I'm raw from all this scrubbing. - Why don't you see a doctor? 359 00:20:50,433 --> 00:20:53,596 How'd you like a swift kiss in the mouth? 360 00:20:53,670 --> 00:20:55,399 - How is he? - He's fine. 361 00:20:55,472 --> 00:20:57,406 But he may never move the piano again. 362 00:20:57,474 --> 00:20:59,908 We got him on his head and sedated. 363 00:20:59,976 --> 00:21:02,001 If it doesn't reduce itself, I'll have to operate. 364 00:21:02,078 --> 00:21:04,638 - That's very decent of you, Pierce. - Well, I owe it to him. 365 00:21:04,714 --> 00:21:06,648 - Of course. - After all, he gave me his place... 366 00:21:06,716 --> 00:21:09,014 in the lifeboat when the Titanic went down. 367 00:21:09,085 --> 00:21:12,282 I vowed I'd save his life one day, since he gave his up for mine. 368 00:21:12,355 --> 00:21:14,289 Oh! 369 00:21:15,358 --> 00:21:17,849 - How's Frank? - He's on his head... 370 00:21:17,928 --> 00:21:20,362 at a 45-degree angle, talking through his belly button. 371 00:21:20,430 --> 00:21:23,456 - How's business? - Jumping. I'm taking a break. 372 00:21:23,533 --> 00:21:26,366 [Explosions Continue] 373 00:21:28,004 --> 00:21:30,802 [Jet Passes Overhead] 374 00:21:30,874 --> 00:21:32,808 Eh, shut up. 375 00:21:40,183 --> 00:21:42,242 - Rough, huh? - Plenty. 376 00:21:45,622 --> 00:21:47,749 - Want a puff? - Thanks. 377 00:21:49,759 --> 00:21:52,728 - I'm taking ten minutes. - I'm on ten minutes. 378 00:21:54,264 --> 00:21:57,631 Between us, we got 20 minutes. Let's go! 379 00:21:57,701 --> 00:22:01,068 That's what I said, soldier, Lieutenant Colonel O'Reilly. 380 00:22:01,137 --> 00:22:04,766 I wanna know where you people come off shelling so close to a hospital. 381 00:22:06,676 --> 00:22:08,610 Would you repeat that, Sergeant? 382 00:22:10,714 --> 00:22:13,444 Rizzo? Tony? 383 00:22:13,516 --> 00:22:15,575 Tony, this is Radar. 384 00:22:15,652 --> 00:22:17,847 Listen. What are you guys doing? Change your fire, will you? 385 00:22:17,921 --> 00:22:20,651 About 15 degrees west. 386 00:22:20,724 --> 00:22:23,352 Come on, Tony. Do it, huh? 387 00:22:23,426 --> 00:22:25,724 And move your azimuths! 388 00:22:25,862 --> 00:22:27,727 Metzenbaum scissors. 389 00:22:27,797 --> 00:22:29,731 Sirs, got a minute? 390 00:22:29,799 --> 00:22:32,267 - What is it, Klinger? - A pregnancy problem, sir. 391 00:22:32,335 --> 00:22:34,326 Klinger. Klinger! 392 00:22:34,404 --> 00:22:36,463 Who is he, Klinger? He's got to marry you. 393 00:22:36,539 --> 00:22:40,498 Come on. There's a Korean lady out here. We timed her. She's in labor. 394 00:22:40,577 --> 00:22:42,772 All right. Get her on the last table. Houlihan. 395 00:22:42,846 --> 00:22:46,179 - I'll take care of it. - Now we're delivering babies. 396 00:22:46,249 --> 00:22:48,183 Hope it's not a boy. They'll draft him. 397 00:22:48,251 --> 00:22:50,685 All right, gangway. Got a hot major here. 398 00:22:50,754 --> 00:22:53,814 [Pierce] Put him on the second table there. 399 00:22:53,890 --> 00:22:56,757 - What's his story? - He's zonked out of his skull. 400 00:22:56,826 --> 00:23:01,991 Hi, gang. Shall we open our presents now? [Laughing] 401 00:23:02,065 --> 00:23:04,829 He's prepped and ready. You wanna do him? I'm not scrubbed. 402 00:23:04,901 --> 00:23:08,132 Yeah, okay. George, you wanna... you wanna take over for me? 403 00:23:09,706 --> 00:23:13,938 - How you doing, Frank? - Honest, Dad, the maid's a liar. 404 00:23:14,010 --> 00:23:16,171 Terrific. Kocher, please. 405 00:23:18,014 --> 00:23:21,780 - Frank, are you all right? - Yes, Mother. 406 00:23:21,851 --> 00:23:24,149 - [Klinger] Colonel Blake? - Be right there. 407 00:23:24,220 --> 00:23:26,711 - [Explosion] - [Pierce] Oh, what is this? 408 00:23:26,790 --> 00:23:29,088 Go ahead. It's all yours, George. Take over. 409 00:23:29,159 --> 00:23:31,093 [Blake] Just sewed a towel to this guy's stomach. 410 00:23:31,161 --> 00:23:33,095 - Put him under. - He said he wanted to watch. 411 00:23:33,163 --> 00:23:36,621 Well, then we'll invite him by later. Go ahead. Fill him up. 412 00:23:36,700 --> 00:23:39,760 We're gonna have a baby here. 413 00:23:39,836 --> 00:23:43,203 - [Mclntyre] Well, I'm ready. - [Explosion] 414 00:23:43,273 --> 00:23:46,436 - What did I say? - They got the generator. 415 00:23:46,509 --> 00:23:48,443 - [Pierce] I need light. - All right. All right. 416 00:23:48,511 --> 00:23:50,672 Let's not panic until it's necessary. 417 00:23:50,747 --> 00:23:53,545 I said west, Tony. West. 418 00:23:58,088 --> 00:24:01,023 [Blake] You're doing just fine. Take deep breaths. 419 00:24:01,091 --> 00:24:05,118 - [Mclntyre] Okay, next body. - [Nurse] That was your last body. 420 00:24:05,195 --> 00:24:07,129 [Mclntyre] You're much too modest, kid. 421 00:24:07,197 --> 00:24:09,131 - [Spank] - [Baby Crying] 422 00:24:09,199 --> 00:24:11,997 [Blake] Well, looky here. 423 00:24:12,068 --> 00:24:14,935 - Margaret. - You're all right, Frank. 424 00:24:15,004 --> 00:24:18,064 - I am? - You're fine. It's all over. 425 00:24:18,141 --> 00:24:20,905 - [Baby Continues Crying] - What's that? 426 00:24:20,977 --> 00:24:24,174 You and Margaret are the parents of a five-pound baby hernia. 427 00:24:33,123 --> 00:24:35,751 ##[P. A... Swing] 428 00:24:35,825 --> 00:24:39,625 Attention. Attention, all personnel. 429 00:24:39,696 --> 00:24:42,631 No casualties expected for indefinite period. 430 00:24:43,700 --> 00:24:45,634 A.F.R.S. Announces... 431 00:24:45,702 --> 00:24:48,933 the release of Nazi war criminal Alfred Krupp. 432 00:24:49,005 --> 00:24:50,939 Everybody's goin'home but us. 433 00:24:56,446 --> 00:24:59,506 #You'll never know # 434 00:24:59,582 --> 00:25:01,550 # Just how much # 435 00:25:01,618 --> 00:25:03,848 # I miss you # 436 00:25:05,321 --> 00:25:08,484 #You'll never know # 437 00:25:08,558 --> 00:25:12,392 # Just how much I care ## 438 00:25:12,462 --> 00:25:15,920 - Two martinis, please. - And don't spare the bananas. 439 00:25:18,768 --> 00:25:20,702 You come here often, honey?