##[Piano]
##[Piano Continues]
[Pinball Machine Dinging]
Hey, Radar. Don't you know another song?
He doesn't even know that one.
Radar, you could be arrested for felonious fingering.
[Man On P.A.] Attention, all personnel.
Since there are no casualties again today,
tonight's midnight movie will be seen at 9.00 this morning.
Also, midnight will be canceled.
[Snoring]
Ah, good morning, Colonel Blake.
Improving the outer man, I see.
Excuse me, Father. You're blocking the sun.
Hmm? Oh. Oh. Well, let there be light.
- I don't believe it. - [Burns] Little to the left.
That's it. Ah!
Steady as she goes.
Frank? What's going on here?
- Everything all right at home, Frank? - Can't talk now.
That ketchup bottle wants to be just a hair to starboard.
Ah! All right.
Let me handle this. I did a year at Bellevue.
What are you doing, Frank?
If you'll kneel at the end and get the tabletop at eye level,
you'll see that each ketchup lines up as if there's only one bottle of ketchup.
Same is true of your condiments,
which are arranged according to height and popularity.
There's your ketchup, your mustard, your relish,
mayonnaise, oil and vinegar, salt and pepper...
and sweet and sour gherkins all in a row.
I think we should do something with Frank's head and mail it back to him.
In a jar.
Perfecto!
[Laughs]
- [Knock At Door] - [Klinger] Father Mulcahy, are you in?
And open for business.
Ah, Klinger. Very smart outfit.
- You busy, Father? - Just washing my feet.
Parenthetically, did you know that it was the custom on Holy Thursday...
for the pope to wash a poor man's feet?
- So? - Well, there's not much chance...
of His Holiness showing up here, so I thought I'd do my own.
[Laughs]
But seriously, Klinger, what can I do for you?
Well, Father, it's so quiet around here, what do they need me for?
I'd like to get your opinion of this letter.
"Dear General Mitchell, Here's one more picture of myself...
"to prove I am mentally unbalanced and deservant of a psychological discharge.
You will notice that the dress I am wearing..."
- Oh, dear. - "Is an exact copy...
"of the one Rita Hayworth wore in Gilda.
"At least it's close. I only saw it once and I was sewing from memory.
"I'm a desperate man, General, and unless you give me the discharge,
"I'll send the picture to your wife and say you've been seeing me on the side.
Yours truly, Corporal Klinger, MASH, 4077 th."
- What do you think, Father? - Klinger,
the Lord moves in mysterious ways,
but you take the cake.
## [Off-key, "Reveille"]
[Pounding]
[Burns] Hey, get me outta this!
- Is anybody there? - Anybody where, Frank?
Get me out of here, you animals!
- Out of where, Frank? - [Pounding Continues]
I'm boxed in!
We all feel that way at times, Frank.
You guys will pay for this!
Take it easy, Frank. The pilot says we'll be in Chicago in an hour.
Hey, guys, let's settle down, huh?
Folks, I'd really like to get started.
I'd really like to get... Radar?
Quiet!
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Well, being as how we've got so much spare time on our hands lately,
I thought I'd deliver the required commanding officer's...
monthly, uh, orientation lecture this morning,
rather than wait for another time, which while we have it, why not use it, huh?
So, uh, if you guys are ready, why, we'll start with today's subject.
Which is what, Henry?
I'm going to answer questions later, Mclntyre.
Give us the subject first, in case we can't tell what it is from your talk.
Could you quiet up?
No, seriously, guys, this is a, uh, not an easy lecture to give,
and I'd appreciate the, uh, fullest of your total attention on this.
- Uh, Radar? - Yes, sir.
- [Laughter] - There we go.
I think I'll check on my candle shipment.
- Simmer down. Radar, do you want to... - Yes, sir.
Well, here are our old friends... Figure "A" and Figure "B."
Man, woman; mom, dad; boy, girl.
Maggie and Jiggs.
Now, uh, whether a person be an "A" or a "B,"
he or she is blessed with a...
- [Laughter] - I mean...
Okay, after all, I, uh, I guess I don't have to...
tell you what you Figure B's are blessed with.
The human body, you know, can...
whether she be "A" or he be "B"...
can find itself with a certain kind of, um, medical trouble.
What kind of trouble is that, Henry?
I'll come to that later.
I may not be awake then.
Now, guys, uh, some of you are going back home to your wives.
Some of you are going back to your sweethearts.
And some, for all I know, are going back to both.
I've heard this guy. He's great.
Irregardless of what you've got waiting, I mean, uh,
you owe it to that waitee to return home with a clean mind and a clean body.
- [Laughter] - Because, like I like to say,
"Clean is as clean does and clean does as clean thinks."
Henry!
Figure "A"just fell asleep.
Mclntyre, we can do without the levity.
Will you stop "levitting"?
Well, uh, excuse me.
[Clears Throat] "Difficult, you ask?"
Of course. Well, I can understand that question having just asked it myself.
Look, it is, uh, difficult, men.
Uh, um, I mean, really. You're, uh...
It's Saturday night. You got a 24-hour pass.
- You're 20,000 miles from home. - You can't make it. I tried.
You walk into a bar, and it's full of "B" girls.
Shh!
Now, you guys know what I'm talking about, men.
Resist. You know what I mean? Use your heads.
Use your common sense. Come on now.
Quit giggling, guys. I'm gonna level with you.
Shh!
You've got to fight temptation.
I mean, now look. Okay.
Whatever you do, don't run the risk of catching today's subject.
Are there any questions at all?
- Radar? - Sir, I just have one question.
- What is it? - Do you suppose that someday...
you could give us a talk on V.D.?
[Laughter]
- Hey! Bravo! - Hey! Bravo!
Excuse me.
- You want that card? - Uh, no.
Packages for you, sirs. From the Peerless Costume Company, Philadelphia?
- Hey! - [Laughs]
- That's it! They got here! - Yeah, terrific!
Hey, this will liven the joint up. Thanks, Klinger.
- Yes, sir. - Hey, I like it.
- I just made it. - How do you do it on your salary?
- Hey. - Ain't that beautiful?
Frank, you've got to do it sometime.
Why can't you face your hernia?
- I don't want to be operated on. - Now is the perfect time.
The O.R.'s quiet, and they're not busy.
Before I'd let them operate, I'd wear an iron truss.
Fair is fair. They're excellent surgeons.
Oh, they're all flash.
I mean, so they save their patients. Neither one of them owns his own car.
Frank, they can relieve your pain.
Fat lot those two Bulgarians care about my pain.
Did I tell you about the boxing?
- They didn't hit you, Frank. - No, they crated me in my sleep.
- No, you never told me. - I don't tell you half their stunts.
- I mentioned the oatmeal in my gas mask? - Yes, you did.
How about when they stapled a whole roll of my toilet paper?
Frank, they're beneath contempt.
They're not fit to shine your clusters.
And you're asking me to put myself into their hands?
Yes. It's true they're incorrigible.
They're also two of the very best surgeons I've ever seen.
Oh? Really?
Well, where do you stand on yours truly?
- Oh, Frank. - No, let's have it out.
As professionals. Nurse to doctor.
How do I rate with you as a surgeon?
Oh, Frank, don't you have enough pain?
[Pierce] Let's see. You're holding tens.
- Take a card! Pick a card! - Don't rush me!
What was the knock card?
Frank, it's for your own good. You need this operation.
Well, when they have me open, who knows what they'll stick in.
Oh, they wouldn't. They're not inhuman.
[Margaret Gasps]
Pierce? Mclntyre?
- What is it, Frank? - Take off those masks!
Take off those suits!
- We will if you will. - Where did you get those costumes?
- What costumes? - The costumes you're wearing.
These aren't costumes. We stopped shaving last month.
- Margaret, how can I possibly? - Be strong, Frank. Go ahead.
I want to talk to you both... as doctors.
[Grunting, Snorting]
What's the problem, Frank?
Well, I've had this condition that's needed attention for about ten years.
Why do people always wait so long before they go to their gorilla?
Will you be serious? This man has a hernia.
Um, I... would like to...
ask you if you'd, uh, consider operating on me.
One moment. I'll have to check with my colleague.
[Both Grunting, Snorting]
[Screeching]
We'll do it... me and the missus.
- Margaret! - I'll be here every moment.
If anything should happen, would you write my wife?
Are you out of your mind?
Evenin', chillun! How y'all?
Oh, Lord!
Let's hear it now for that great star of stage, screen and surgery...
Dr. Benjamin Franklin Pierce,
his dirty fingernails and his orchestra!
Thank you for that fine introduction. Thank you. Thank you.
And now, ladies and germs, with your very kind permission,
we'd like to do a little operation we've had a lot of luck with.
We certainly hope it turns out to be one of yours.
You said you would be serious!
Oh, quite right. Give the patient a local.
- Rusty needle, please. - Oh!
[Man On P.A.] Attention, all personnel.
Attention! Incoming wounded! Incoming wounded!
- Both shifts report to surgery. - Well, the party's over.
- Back in business, damn it! - Get up, Frank.
Well, what about my hernia?
Keep it for a few days. If you like it, it's yours.
Suit up, Frank. We're promoting you from patient to doctor.
You can do it. Just cut along the dotted line.
Don't look.
He's an idiot, but he's really stacked.
All right. Step right up, folks. The war is back in town.
- Post and pre-op personnel stand by. - All right. Come on.
Ambulance drivers report to their stations immediately.
- Sponge. - [Explosion In Distance]
[Chattering]
[Jet Passes Overhead]
[Man] Suture.
Well, they certainly didn't forget how to hurt each other. Rib cutter.
- Rib cutter. - Start another unit of whole blood.
This is gonna be a long one.
[Mclntyre] You doing okay? All right. Gimme a sponge.
- Move your pretty bottom, honey. - Sorry, Doctor.
- Tie that off. - [Man On P.A.] Attention.
Due to continuing heavy incoming casualties,
the mess tent will remain open all night.
And that ends the 8:00 food warning. Scalpel.
[Explosion In Distance]
- You got a pretty good tan, Henry. - Well, I'm paying for it now.
[Explosion In Distance]
[Blake] I hope this guy doesn't toss in his sleep.
[Mclntyre] Gimme another one. Hold this. Hold this.
Gimme another clamp. Hurry up! Let's go! Fast!
[Nurse] We need some more sponges here.
[Explosions Continue]
- Frank, how do you feel? - I'd be better without the chatter.
Is that nice? After all the trouble I went through lining things up.
- Lining what things up? - Lf you get down at the end of the room,
you'll see the gallbladders are all in one line.
Then the livers, then colons...
all the organs arranged according to height and popularity.
Oh, can the malarkey!
[Explosion]
Hey! Did anyone remember to light up the Red Cross sign?
[Blake] Hell's bells. I just paid the bill.
[Explosions Continue]
- Try the three. Hold that. - Colonel?
- Yo! - You busy?
Not at all. I'm just telling this man's fortune by reading his bowels.
[All Laughing]
Supply sent me. We're dangerously low on whole blood.
Aw, wouldn't that strip your gears?
For two weeks, we've been sitting around on our duffs.
While we could have been bleeding into bottles.
All right. Watch the finger, will you, Mclntyre?
- I'm sorry. - Organize some donors, Father.
- Get plenty of blood. - You've just been promoted to vampire.
- Turn in your cross. - [Mclntyre] You got that?
- That is my finger! - All right.
Uh, hello? Yeah, 789th Artillery?
Yeah, this is 4077 th MASH. Corporal O'Reilly.
Listen. We're getting a lot of near misses here.
Can you find out who's doing it?
You're doing it?
Listen, buddy. We're a hospital.
How would you like it if we fired patients at you?
What?
Those are your orders?
To knock the enamel off of 500 bedpans?
Who gave you those orders?
Wait a minute. Hold on. What?
[Man] That's it. Go take this to the E.R.
This is very good of you all.
Don't get up too fast. Have some orange juice.
- Oh, Klinger, how good of you. - It's ridiculous.
A million miles from home, laying on a table like a centerpiece...
and somebody's siphoning me for blood.
Well, don't talk too much. Donating can make you dizzy.
I know. I brought along a pair of low heels.
Okay, remove that clamp. We're in the homestretch now, honey.
- [Explosion] - [All Groaning]
- This neighborhood is going to hell. - [Blake] Any minute now.
[Burns] Okay, you close. I've done the important part.
How'd everything go today, dear?
Kindly do not block the aisles!
Oh! Ow!
- What is it? - My hernia!
- Strangulated, Frank? - I think so.
- Henry! - I'm up to my wrists in guts.
- Trap? - No, I can't. I got an open chest here.
- Can you close? - Yes, Doctor.
- Old chromic, right? - Right.
- Frank, you sure? - You gotta operate now!
- All the tables are taken. - I don't need a table! Do it anywhere!
- Do it on the floor! - If we do, I'll have to clean it up.
- Somebody throw me a nurse. - [Houlihan] Murphy!
- Gimme a hand, will you? - What are you doing?
- We may not have to operate. - Where are we going?
- The Mayo Clinic. I know the headwaiter. - Oh!
Regimental headquarters?
This is MASH 4077 th. Major O'Reilly speaking.
We're getting a mess of artillery here. I'm told you people ordered it.
I want it stopped right now, and that's an order!
What?
Uh, well, I'm 19.
Look, buddy, my C.O. Told me to call. He's busy!
Well... Try who?
All right. Wait a minute. Hold on.
You think this will work?
It's been known to happen, Frank. The intestine might slip back into place.
All the blood's rushing to my head.
I can't understand the attraction.
Don't worry, Frank. We'll fix you up.
You'll be walking all over people again in no time.
- Really? - [Explosion]
- What was that? - Nothing, Frank.
The folks down the block wanna kill us.
- Oh! - It's for the pain, Frank.
Oh!
You have so much to do, and I'm a bother.
- Yes, Frank, you're a bother. - I'm a pest and a nuisance.
Yes, Frank, you're a pest and a nuisance and a bother.
[Laughs] You're only saying that to make me feel good.
Right, Frank.
It was naughty of you to pack me in a crate.
I could have suffocated.
No chance. We made airholes.
And we put lettuce in. And a carrot.
And some shredded newspaper in case you had an accident.
Fred?
- Yes, Frank. - Do you think the principal saw us?
Corporal.
- Let me see if I've got this right. - Go ahead, Father.
- Forceps. - Forceps.
You want a B.L.T. On wheat toast.
- Hold the mayo. - Right. And a chocolate shake.
All right, let's tie this vessel, then we'll start on the bladder.
- Right. - Chocolate shake.
- Thick. - You got it.
Come on, sweetie. Let's go.
Trapper, can I take your order?
It's about time. I've been trying to get a priest for half an hour.
Oh, this is not my table.
If my hands could talk, they'd scream.
- I'm raw from all this scrubbing. - Why don't you see a doctor?
How'd you like a swift kiss in the mouth?
- How is he? - He's fine.
But he may never move the piano again.
We got him on his head and sedated.
If it doesn't reduce itself, I'll have to operate.
- That's very decent of you, Pierce. - Well, I owe it to him.
- Of course. - After all, he gave me his place...
in the lifeboat when the Titanic went down.
I vowed I'd save his life one day, since he gave his up for mine.
Oh!
- How's Frank? - He's on his head...
at a 45-degree angle, talking through his belly button.
- How's business? - Jumping. I'm taking a break.
[Explosions Continue]
[Jet Passes Overhead]
Eh, shut up.
- Rough, huh? - Plenty.
- Want a puff? - Thanks.
- I'm taking ten minutes. - I'm on ten minutes.
Between us, we got 20 minutes. Let's go!
That's what I said, soldier, Lieutenant Colonel O'Reilly.
I wanna know where you people come off shelling so close to a hospital.
Would you repeat that, Sergeant?
Rizzo? Tony?
Tony, this is Radar.
Listen. What are you guys doing? Change your fire, will you?
About 15 degrees west.
Come on, Tony. Do it, huh?
And move your azimuths!
Metzenbaum scissors.
Sirs, got a minute?
- What is it, Klinger? - A pregnancy problem, sir.
Klinger. Klinger!
Who is he, Klinger? He's got to marry you.
Come on. There's a Korean lady out here. We timed her. She's in labor.
All right. Get her on the last table. Houlihan.
- I'll take care of it. - Now we're delivering babies.
Hope it's not a boy. They'll draft him.
All right, gangway. Got a hot major here.
[Pierce] Put him on the second table there.
- What's his story? - He's zonked out of his skull.
Hi, gang. Shall we open our presents now? [Laughing]
He's prepped and ready. You wanna do him? I'm not scrubbed.
Yeah, okay. George, you wanna... you wanna take over for me?
- How you doing, Frank? - Honest, Dad, the maid's a liar.
Terrific. Kocher, please.
- Frank, are you all right? - Yes, Mother.
- [Klinger] Colonel Blake? - Be right there.
- [Explosion] - [Pierce] Oh, what is this?
Go ahead. It's all yours, George. Take over.
[Blake] Just sewed a towel to this guy's stomach.
- Put him under. - He said he wanted to watch.
Well, then we'll invite him by later. Go ahead. Fill him up.
We're gonna have a baby here.
- [Mclntyre] Well, I'm ready. - [Explosion]
- What did I say? - They got the generator.
- [Pierce] I need light. - All right. All right.
Let's not panic until it's necessary.
I said west, Tony. West.
[Blake] You're doing just fine. Take deep breaths.
- [Mclntyre] Okay, next body. - [Nurse] That was your last body.
[Mclntyre] You're much too modest, kid.
- [Spank] - [Baby Crying]
[Blake] Well, looky here.
- Margaret. - You're all right, Frank.
- I am? - You're fine. It's all over.
- [Baby Continues Crying] - What's that?
You and Margaret are the parents of a five-pound baby hernia.
##[P. A... Swing]
Attention. Attention, all personnel.
No casualties expected for indefinite period.
A.F.R.S. Announces...
the release of Nazi war criminal Alfred Krupp.
Everybody's goin'home but us.
#You'll never know #
# Just how much #
# I miss you #
#You'll never know #
# Just how much I care ##
- Two martinis, please. - And don't spare the bananas.
You come here often, honey?