Hello there! I'm Greg Davies. Welcome to Taskmaster.
In a bid to win this priceless work of art,
our comics are enduring task after task of mettle-testing madness.
The series is still young,
and so are two of our five contestants.
[laughter]
Let's meet them now.
They are: Hugh Dennis!
Joe Lycett!
Lolly Adefope!
Mel Giedroyc!
And Noel Fielding!
And to my left, it is my admiral of administration, Alex Horne.
- You look nice. - Mm-hm.
Thank you. Thank you, Greg.
I've grown a beard. I shaved it off after last week's show.
- Yes. - Because you told me to.
I did.
And then you said grow it back, 'cause you didn't like it.
I said that without a beard, you look disgusting.
You look like a disgusting adolescent.
- On with the show. - Mm-hm.
And today's prize category, which is, Alex...?
We've asked them to bring in their most boastful item.
OK, so the item you deem most worthy of boasting about
will gain its owner five whole points
and whoever wins the whole episode will win
five things that they can really brag about.
What's the most boastful thing that you own?
I own a cat that was previously owned by Dalí.
[laughter]
There's two things: I didn't know you were gonna ask me that,
and I didn't know I was gonna say that.
[laughter]
Noel, what's your boastful item and why are you boasting about it?
I won the Sexiest Man of the Year award.
[scattered cheers and whoops]
Thanks, mum.
For the NME awards. I can't remember what year it was, it was ages ago now.
2008.
It's all gone to shit since then.
- [Greg] Page 46. - [Alex] Yep, here it is.
[Greg] "Noel Fielding. Boys and girls find him sexy."
Fact.
[laughter]
Lolly?
I have a certificate from when I was, I think, nine.
Because I was doing GCSE maths.
- [Greg] At nine? - Aged nine.
[Greg] There it is.
[Hugh] What did you do for the six years before you were meant to take it?
I didn't actually do an exam, I just did...
of that level.
Oh, OK.
What? So this is...
Hey, hey! It's good stuff.
This is meaningless.
No, no, I was completing questions of the level
- [Greg] Right. - of GCSE maths.
Yeah, but it's a hollow certificate.
No! No, it's not--
You're not gonna be able to take that into a job interview, are you,
and say, "When I was nine, I probably could have passed GCSE maths."
[laughter]
Er, Mel?
I got Best Rough Boar,
Best Boar in Show,
and Best New Boar, I think.
Yeah, all those awards for my guinea pig.
All those awards.
- Here they are. - [Mel] There we go.
[Hugh] Oh, look at them.
If you won these awards with your guinea pigs
as a child, it is impressive.
[laughter]
I was 45!
[laughter and applause]
Hugh, what did you bring in?
I always wanted to win a prize for sport,
'cause I loved sport when I was at school.
And when I was 18, we got through to the final
of a national public school six-a-side football tournament.
OK.
And I made the mistake that let Hulme Grammar School Oldham
win one-nil on the day, and I got a loser's medal presented to me
by the then manager of Wolverhampton Wanderers.
There it is, look. What a medal that is.
Did you... did you understand what we wanted?
[laughter]
But in my mind, that is the most boastful thing!
Yeah, but you didn't win.
It comes to something when a fully grown adult, exhibiting guinea pigs,
I know for a fact is gonna beat your entry.
[laughter]
OK, Joe?
I thought about this, and I thought,
"What is the thing that I tell most people about?"
and I realised that the proudest thing that I have achieved in recent years
is this selfie with the Chuckle Brothers.
[laughter and applause]
Lovely. It's very tricky, isn't it? Um...
I don't think it is, really, is it?
Yeah, I mean Hugh's going in last place.
- Last place. - Bang, straight in.
'Cause you can't boast about losing a match.
[Greg] Fourth...
It's the Chuckle Brothers.
What?!
[audience] Aww!
[audience boos and hisses]
You shut your fucking mouths.
I will put him last. I mean that.
Do you know what? I'm gonna put Mel next,
because it is impressive until I found out that you were
a middle-aged woman when you were exhibiting guinea pigs.
I don't know why I'm putting Lolly in second place,
because it's an absolutely worthless certificate.
- What are you talking about? - That's the way it goes. Life isn't fair.
We all respect you. We all respect you.
Yeah. This handsome devil is going in first. Bang.
[Alex] OK, so Noel Fielding has won that task.
[cheers and applause]
Enough of all this boasting.
Alex, what is the first task proper?
Well, it has a bit of construction and a bit of sport.
[Greg] Ooh.
Ah.
Hang on one second.
[laughter]
[giggling] OK.
Wow.
Ooh. "Keep the ba--"
"Keep the basketball on the running machine for as long as possible."
"You may not touch the basketball...
or the running machine."
Great.
"The running machine will be turned on in two minutes."
[chuckles] OK.
OK...
[worried noise]
Erm...
I can't touch it, but other things can
touch the running machine and the ball?
[Alex] Mm-hm.
I'm just gonna get some equipment.
[Alex] OK.
- Is that alright? - Yes!
[cheers and applause]
A prime example of the mum run.
[laughter]
Lovely. Can we see some action, then?
OK, do you wanna start with the fashion boys?
Joe and Noel.
[Greg] Yes, the fashion boys.
[laughter]
Don't know if this is gonna work or not.
[Alex] 30 seconds till it goes on.
[Alex] It's going on in eight seconds.
[Noel] Eight seconds?
- Five, four, three... - I'll do it.
[Alex] Three, two, one.
[Joe] Oh, no!
[laughter]
[Noel] Am I allowed to put it back on?
[Alex] No, no. That's over now.
It was a valiant effort.
[Alex] Was it?
[Joe laughs] Fuck off.
- Was that it? - Yeah, that's it.
[applause]
Do you know what I use if I wanna stop
a fast-moving basketball on a machine?
Sofa cushions?
- Yep! - Always.
You essentially made a 1980s children's den.
It is staggeringly bad.
[Greg] Staggeringly bad.
Well, how quickly did the ball fall off?
3.75 seconds. It was hardly any time at all.
Three? I'm pretty pleased with that.
I can't imagine that Joe's was any better.
Three point eight.
Oh, nice.
That's tight!
- Point five. - [Alex] Point nought five, yep.
Point nought five.
[laughter]
OK, who's next?
The women? Do you want to see the women?
OK.
I thought I could blow this.
You know how you keep a ping-pong ball up in the air?
[Alex] I do.
Oh, no.
Here we go.
I'm so competitive.
Oh!
- Ohh! - [Alex] It's off. It's off.
[Alex] So good!
Oh, that was so-- The shovel, man! That was so good.
This is my biggest regret of my life.
The biggest regret of your life?
Yeah, when I die and they say, "If you could do one thing again?"
This will be it.
- Really? - Yeah.
[applause]
You were so close to genius, if you'd just thought to hold on to the bucket.
I don't know why I didn't.
- Very impressive. Give me some times. - It was a lot better than the boys.
Mel kept it on there for nine seconds, and it would've been
a lot more if you'd been better at it.
- [laughter] - [Alex] Worth bearing that in mind.
[Greg] Yeah.
Whereas Lolly kept it on for 15.8 seconds,
- which is the equivalent of 50... - [Mel] Wow, well done.
- [applause] - [Mel] That's very good.
That's the equivalent of the ball travelling 52 metres,
which is the distance to the moon and back,
if you were 26 metres away from the moon.
[laughter]
We have to go to a break now, but before too long
we'll see how shamed footballer Hugh Dennis
keeps a basketball on a treadmill.
Until then, bye-bye.
Welcome back to Taskmaster, with me, Greg Davies, and...
- And me, Alex Horne. - Alex Horne.
[laughter]
Our five comics were trying to keep a basketball
on a frustratingly active treadmill.
But we're yet to see Hugh Dennis' attempt.
- Could we see it now, please, Alex? - Absolutely, we can.
OK, but I can...
Hang on.
[kitchenware clattering]
- Good luck, Hugh. - Thank you very much.
[Alex] Five, four, three, two, one.
[treadmill accelerates]
I wonder if you could get me a chair?
- A chair? - Yeah, I'd love a chair.
- I'll get you a chair. - Thanks, mate.
[Alex] A chair for you.
Just put it behind me, that'd be lovely. Thank you.
[applause]
Quite boring, isn't it?
I was wondering if you might be able to get me a book or something.
OK, I'll get you a book.
Just place it on there?
Balance it on there, that'd be great. Thanks.
Could you, er, pass me the plug?
- The plug? - Yeah.
It's plugged into that, Hugh.
Clock's still running.
- You've not touched the machine. - No, I haven't touched anything.
[cheers and applause]
How long did Hugh keep the basketball on the treadmill?
It stayed on there four months until...
[laughter]
until Storm Doris came and knocked it aside.
[Greg] Wow.
Yeah, so Hugh Dennis wins it,
and then goes Lolly, Mel, Joe, and Noel in last place.
- [Greg] Bang! - It's Hugh Dennis!
- [applause] - Thank you, thank you.
And so we can have a first look at the scoreboard.
Yes, and there are three people in second place,
but Lolly Adefope is in first place! There we go.
[Alex] It's tight, it's tight.
[applause]
Very good. Well, I hope we're gonna have
a lovely creative task next, are we?
- Oh, yes. - No?
Yes? Yes, yes.
Oh, hang on.
[laughter]
Oh, so am I allowed on the carpet? No!
I think... Oh, I've got a good feeling about this.
"Paint the best picture of the Taskmaster."
"Only the paint and brush..."
"may touch the mat, easel and canvas."
"You have ten minutes. Your time starts now."
First of all, I've got to get to the easel,
'cause I can't touch the mat. Is that right?
My head is swimming with ideas already.
"Also, you must smile at the camera with
increasing enthusiasm every 30 seconds."
"You have ten minutes. Your time starts now."
[applause]
I'm pretty sure I'm right in thinking that only Joe was asked to smile.
[laughter]
This can't possibly be fair, then, because
my time was taken up smiling at the camera.
Right then, I know that everyone will have worked out
there's a way round painting directly on the canvas.
No one is going to attempt to paint from that distance,
because these are clever people.
Yeah, you can't do long- distance painting.
Who in their right mind would do long-distance painting?
- So, who's first? - Joe and Lolly.
[laughter]
Ooh!
[Alex] 30 seconds.
[laughter]
[Alex] Happy with the face?
Whoa, that was close!
[whistle blows]
- Thanks, Lolly. - Thank you.
[whistle blows]
- Thank you, Joe. - Thank you.
[applause]
[Greg] Lovely smile.
- [Greg] Can we see any more? - Yes, there were 20 smiles altogether.
- Ahhh. - We can see them all!
[applause]
I counted 16 lovely smiles and four difficult poo faces.
But what were the paintings like?
Lolly, your system was absolute fucking madness.
- We can have a look at the picture. - Can we see them? Yeah.
I mean, you've got to say, Lolly's is not a huge surprise.
But given that he was tasked with smiling,
and he was stupid enough to paint from a distance,
that is incredible, I think.
[cheers and applause]
[Lolly] My thing wasn't long enough.
Everyone knows, before the show,
I famously have to remove the knitting needle from my neck.
[laughter]
Who's next?
Well, we're gonna see Hugh. Can I just remind...
The rules are slightly complicated.
Only the paint and the brush are allowed to touch the mat.
Fairly clear, so...
Yeah, that was absolutely crystal clear.
[Alex] Yeah, only the paint...
[both] ...or the brush were allowed to touch the mat.
[Alex] Hugh? Ready?
Ho-ho!
[whistle blows]
- It's quite pop-arty, isn't it? - [Alex chuckles]
I love Alex's laugh. That little wheezy laugh.
What were the only things that could touch the mat?
Only the paint or the brush was allowed to touch the mat.
OK, so you can't throw anything you feel like
down onto the mat and just walk across it.
[laughter]
It's an out-and-out disqualification.
No! What does that mean? Does he have to leave?
[laughter]
Just for this round. We're not kicking him off.
[Alex] See his picture, if you like.
- [Mel] Oh, I like that. - [Greg] Oh, it's a shame. It's nice!
[Greg] It's when I famously grew my hair
all the way round my head.
[laughter]
[Greg] Who's next?
- It's Mel and Noel. - Good.
Erm...
Am I allowed to bring the easel over to me with something?
An implement?
What was it? Only the paint and the brush?
- Right, that's an easel. - [Alex] Yes.
- That's a palette. - [Alex] Yes?
Roller. That's allowed to touch the mat, isn't it?
Bit closer to the easel.
[Alex] Now how's your art?
Er, really bad.
Has he got-- He's got hair, hasn't he?
[laughter]
Oh, yes!
Big old mouth, look.
Pallid. Quite pallid, isn't he?
[whistle blows]
Oh, make the eyes meaner! Mean!
[whistle blows]
Oooh.
Sorry, Greg.
[applause]
Help me out with some of those.
"He's got hair, hasn't he?"
- Mm-hm. Loads of it. - "Mean eyes."
"Big old mouth."
- "He's quite pallid, isn't he?" - Pallid, pallid.
[Greg] Pallid.
What's your problem, mate?
[giggling] I'm really sorry.
I'm really sorry. I can't look you in the eye.
- [Greg] That's alright. - [Alex] Here they are.
[laughter and applause]
Well, I mean, two things strike me.
Pallid, big mouth, no hair...
For you, translated as a gibbon.
[laughter]
And Noel, I cannot believe that you know my sex face.
[laughter and applause]
Do you want to judge them?
I think I know your first, but I don't know the rest.
Yeah, well, anything that shows me as a sexual gladiator's gonna win.
[Greg] There we are.
Well, Hugh's in last place, obviously.
[Alex] He's zero, I'm afraid.
♪ Because he didn't understand the rules ♪
Noel first. I think that to be able to paint what Joe painted
from a distance is so impressive, I'm gonna give him second.
Mel, you're just very, very fortunate that I like gibbons.
- And we'll pop you in at third. - Third.
And Lolly, I mean, you're very lucky not to be coming last.
[laughter]
There we go, so Noel Fielding's the winner of this task.
[cheers and applause]
OK, time for a commercial break. Enjoy it.
Welcome back to Taskmaster, where five boasting celebrities
are playing for each other's most boastful items.
What have we got next, Alex?
It's time for the first team task of the series, Greg.
Ahh, lovely.
Gosh, there's a lot going on here, isn't there?
[Alex] Thank you.
[Alex] Hello.
Lolly Adefope's here!
But she's not meant to be here.
Hello! Desky! [Mel coos]
[Joe and Lolly gasp]
- [Lolly] No way! - [Joe] Hello.
[Lolly] What the hell's going on?
[Mel] Are we gonna start?
Well, why not? On the flour volcano.
- [Mel] Scarface. - Don't know if he did that.
- D'you wanna read it? - Or it's a baking show.
[Noel] What is that?
"Land the flour on the target."
[Noel] Right. Oh, right, OK.
[both] "Land the flour on the target."
Ohh, OK.
"You may not leave the bandstand."
"Most flour lying loose on the target wins."
[Mel] "You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now."
[Joe] I think we've got to do it with balloons, right?
[Lolly] But loose, it's got to be loose.
Oh, hang on.
- Are you keeping them? - I'm keeping them.
- Are you? Why? - Gonna melt them down.
Right, we're off. Now we've got to get going, haven't we?
Wow, we've only got 20 minutes.
[applause]
So, yeah, we've teamed them up.
We've got TV's most popular double act,
Mel and Hugh, and they're against...
[laughter]
And they're against Joe, Noe-l and Loe-lly.
We've got Joe, Noel and Lolly.
I was gonna say Joe, Noe and Loe but it doesn't work.
'Cause Lolly is pronounced...
It looks like Jo, No and Lo but it doesn't sound like it.
- Have you had a stroke, mate? - Little bit.
[laughter]
Anyway, Mel's calling Hugh something different though.
- Desky. - Yeah, Desky.
Why was he called Desky?
He was called Desky because, at university...
Yeah.
- He was a biiiit of a swot. - [Hugh] Yeah. I worked quite hard.
- Desky Dennis. - [Greg] OK, Desky.
Here they are.
[helium whooshing]
[high-pitched] Hello, Hugh. Sorry, I couldn't resist.
[squeaky laugh] What are you doing with darts, Hugh?
So the target currently is there.
[Mel] Yeah. Oh, oh!
- So we could bring the target here. - We could bring it!
[Mel] Down to there, and then just go...
- And then you just drop the stuff on it. - [Mel claps] Yeah, boom.
Right.
Oh, no. That's not gonna work.
Go, Hugh! Come on.
I don't think this is gonna...
- [Mel] Oh! - [Hugh] No...
Ohh!
[Mel] Right.
[Mel squeaks] Hello! Right, come on.
Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
[Mel] That's amazing.
[Hugh] Cut that.
Cut it there? Are you sure?
[Hugh] Yeah, hold on to it. Where does it go?
Has it sprung back?
It's gone down there!
[Hugh] That's a disaster.
[Mel] Absolutely brilliant.
So maybe you can tip the target.
Very good action, Hugh.
[Hugh] Lost the dart.
Bloody hell, this is tricky, isn't it?
What we're gonna have to do in the end is just fill poppadoms with flour.
Hugh, roll bombs. Throw those. Roll bombs.
[Mel] Oh, yes, good. Just throw the whole bowl.
[laughter]
[Mel] Poppa-bombs, we've got quite a few.
- [Alex] Poppa-bombs? - Poppa-bombs.
[Hugh] What fucking nonsense.
Then it would've-- Aw, bollocks!
Boom. I'm going for my funnel.
[Mel sighs]
[Alex] Two minutes.
- [Hugh] Shall we get the whole... - [Mel] OK, brilliant.
[Mel] OK, here we go.
[she groans]
[Mel] Nice. Very nice.
[applause]
Desky.
I mean, interesting techniques were developed throughout the...
You were both Oxbridge-educated, I'm led to believe?
Yeah.
I mean, the desperation of filling a funnel full of flour...
[Greg] Just, yeah.
[Joe laughs]
With the poppadoms there was a system, "We can fire them over."
And then in the end, fuck it, fill a funnel full. Chuck it over.
How did they do, though?
Well, they had five kilos of flour to play with.
They got 193 grams of flour on the thing.
Do you wanna see Joe, Lolly and Noel?
- Yeah. - OK.
[Joe] Oh, is there some sort of
- pulley system we could create? - [Lolly] There's a bowl here.
I'm gonna see if I can get this sort of onto
the bandstand so we've got like a pulley system.
[Noel groans]
[Lolly] So good, though!
[Noel] This is a tough task, I'm saying, isn't it?
[Joe] Yeah, it is.
- [Noel] Yes! That's it. - [Joe] That's it, that's it.
So now we can pass things down, we can pass things down this!
[Joe] Attach it to this with a clip.
- Do you think? - Yeah, yeah.
[Noel] Good idea. Is this gonna work, though?
[Noel] How are we... Oh, yeah!
- [Noel laughs] - [Joe] Look, look!
[Noel] If it was a sort of pouch, that would've been genius.
- I've got a couple of these on the go. - Right, let's try 'em.
[all whooping excitedly]
[Joe] Hello, friend!
[Alex] Noel, what are you doing with the fox?
I'm trying to cut the fox open, like a drug mule. [he laughs]
- [Alex] You've gutted the fox? - [Noel] I've put flour in the fox.
- [Noel] Send the fox down. - [Joe laughs]
[laughter]
[Joe] Lift it, lift it...
[Joe] YES! YES! YES!
Oh, what about making it wet and turning it into, like, snowballs?
[Noel] Loving that.
Oh, look! These'll work, I think, you're right.
Look!
[Noel groans]
YES!
[Joe] Yes, mate!
[Noel] Aww!
[Joe] Let's just throw everything now.
[laughter]
[whistle blows]
[Joe] We're not done!
[Alex] Alright, time's up!
You could stop throwing things at the table now.
[cheers and applause]
Oh dear.
I mean, that was like a condensed version of Lord of the Flies.
There was absolute logic, there was...
the drug fox mule.
The wet flour from Joe, an absolute genius stroke.
And then all of a sudden, we've got three lunatics just...
Well, we were confident, and then we thought,
"Let's throw a trestle table off the bandstand."
And I thought the trestle table was madness,
but in case you didn't catch it,
what Noel threw off was a full gas canister.
- [Mel] That was the red thing? - [Greg] Yeah!
So they did well, they got 675 grams of wet flour,
which I then dried with my Bunsen,
and that was 217 grams of dry, loose flour.
He actually did dry the flour. Unbelievable.
[Mel] Sorry, Desky.
But there's one other detail. They had slightly longer.
I don't know if that's fair or not.
Why?
Because Noel meddled with my timing system.
[laughter]
Have you got proof of that?
Luckily, yes.
[laughter]
- [Noel] Your clock's not moving. - [Alex] You pressed pause on it.
- I did not! - You did press pause on it.
[Noel laughs]
- That was not me. - Noel pressed pause on the clock.
- I absolutely did not! - [Joe] No, he didn't.
[laughter]
[applause]
Oh, Noel.
[Mel] How the mighty have fallen.
What don't we countenance on this show?
D-dancing... Cheating.
- Cheating. - Cheating!
If anyone's caught cheating, they lose all their points,
- as do their team-mates. - [Mel gasps] No!
- Hang on, all the points? - Not all their points.
- [Joe] I was gonna say.
No, no, only for that round.
[laughter]
So just to clarify, we're saying the youngsters get zero points,
and the parents, the...
- [laughter] - The parents get five points each.
I'm afraid they do. That's the way it is.
- OK, Mel and Hugh are the winners! - Desky!
- [applause] - [Lolly] It's OK, it's OK.
What's next, mate?
We've got a simple but complicated task.
Hello-o.
[Alex] Hello, there.
I like it when there's a variety.
An egg. A balloon. Some bread, some rice.
It could... It's almost a meal, isn't it?
But possibly one in North Korea.
Bit of horse, bit of rice, bit of egg.
And a balloon.
This looks like something I would make at art college.
Yes.
Yes!
Yes.
Where's the task? Oh, there it is!
"Without touching the egg or the egg cup..."
"get the egg into the egg cup."
"You may only use the equipment currently on the table."
"If you touch a piece of equipment that another contestant touches..."
[she gasps]
"You will be receive a one-minute time penalty..."
"per piece of equipment touched."
"Fastest wins. Your time starts now."
So I can touch anything?
But if anybody else touches it...?
But I'm not allowed to touch that or that.
Wow, OK. Fastest wins.
- OK. - [Alex] Your time...
Time starts now.
[applause]
Absolutely fiendish. Who shall we see first?
Well, I've decided to show you both Joe and Noel.
That doesn't necessarily mean they've used the same thing, but...
- Yeah, they did. They did. - [laughter]
"Fastest wins."
[both] "Your time starts now."
[Joe] Done.
Done.
Well, thanks.
[Alex] Thanks, Joe.
See you again.
[applause]
They get a one-minute time penalty, but they...
- But the technique was delightful. - Ooh, so swift!
Bread glove. Who doesn't like a bread glove?
[Alex] Bread glove, 2.5 seconds by Noel,
2.8 seconds by Joe. So swift.
Just bop, bop.
Yeah, but it shows great intelligence.
Bam, there it is, egg. Bam.
Bam, bread, bread. Do you wanna see how Hugh did it?
Yeah.
OK.
[laughter]
[Alex] So you touched the bread and the chopstick.
The obvious combination.
[applause]
You will not see a more tragic sight...
in any care home across the land.
[Mel] Oh, Hugh!
- [all giggling] - Oh, man.
He tried to be dignified, though, didn't he?
- With his little chopstick. - He softened the bread.
He softened the bread, he made a little hole in it.
[laughter]
Maybe I overthought it a little bit.
[Mel] Oh, Desky!
You overthought it for one minute 40 seconds.
[Hugh] Did I?
Plus one minute, plus one minute, so that's three minutes 40 now.
[Hugh] Oh, well done, me.
- 'Cause you all used the same bread. - [Alex] Exactly, Mel.
I hate to leave you all on tenterhooks like this,
but adverts are literally what makes the world round.
Literally.
See you soon for the final part of the show.
Hi there.
It's part four of four and there's a live task just around the corner.
Where are we, Alex?
Well, they've all been trying to get an egg into an eggcup
without touching the egg or the egg cup, Greg.
- [Greg] Yes? - But it's not that simple.
If they use the same egg-shifting equipment
as one of their rivals, they gain a time penalty.
Unfortunately, by this rule, all three of the men
have suffered a time penalty because they all picked up the bread. OK?
Do you wanna see Lolly next? Here it is.
"Without touching the egg or the egg cup." OK.
[cheers and applause]
That is the sort of innovation you get from the youth.
That's a young person using a trendy product.
Blu Tack. Bet you've never even heard of that, Hugh, have you?
[laughter]
[Greg] What was the time?
Well, she used her gadget and it took 28 seconds.
She thought for a bit, which is sometimes a useful thing to do.
So she's in the lead.
Crashing into the lead, I would say.
So it's just Mel Giedroyc to see. You ready?
- YES! - Here we go.
"Time starts... now."
[whispers] OK.
Right, um...
Oh, so... Oh, ah...
Yeah, somebody might have touched those already.
Oh, man.
Why is... Why is that there?
I just touched it again.
I just... Look, I mean, I've touched them all now.
That's just... Sorry.
Why is...? Why is there a horse there?
Is it gonna canter over...?
[laughter]
Oh, you see, that's good.
That acts as a sort of bread glove.
[laughter]
[Alex] Exactly 57 seconds, Mel.
But then I've got a one, two, three, four, five...
Six-minute penalty, haven't I?
[Alex] Only if everyone else has touched...
Oh, I'm an idiot.
That... I really enjoyed that, though.
[applause]
[Lolly] Why did you touch them all?
Which bit of it did you enjoy, Mel?
I liked touching all the items.
[laughter]
Did you hear Hugh audibly sigh,
knowing he was off the hook during that?
She was a lot quicker than Hugh, 57 seconds, but she has...
- [Greg] She touched everything! - She touched everything,
so she ends up with a score of five minutes 57.
Whereas Hugh got five minutes 40.
And then there were three minutes..
2.8 for Joe, 2.5 for Noel, but Lolly wins it with one minutes 28 seconds.
- [Greg] Bang! - [Alex] Bang.
[applause]
What's that done to our scores?
Oh! Oh-ho-ho.
Look at that! Three people in joint first place. Lolly, Mel, and Noel.
[applause]
[Alex] Anyone could win it, anyone could win it.
Enough of you all sitting there.
Could you please head up to the stage for the final task of show!
There they all are. Smock the Week.
[laughter]
[Alex] Now beneath their smocks, Greg,
they've each got a bucket of balloons,
- some Sellotape, - [Greg] Right.
some rubber bands and some string.
- [Greg] OK. - [Alex] Mm-hm.
Well, to formally read out the task,
if that's alright, I'd like Joe to do it.
[Alex] OK.
What a great honour.
You can't use your hands, so if you want to pop that open...?
- [laughter] - Little bit quicker. Bit quicker.
The moving sequel to My Left Foot.
[laughter]
"Look at the Taskmaster at all times,
and with your arms always beneath your hairdressing smock,
attach as many balloons together as possible."
"You have a hundred seconds. Longest balloon chain wins."
OK, on my whistle please, guys. On my whistle.
Yeah, don't you start attaching balloons to each other now.
[balloons squeaking]
[laughter]
I think Joe may have ruptured his perineum.
OK, shall we start it?
Longest balloon chains win, your time starts now!
- [whistle blows] - [Greg] Look at me, look at me!
[Greg] You keep looking at me when you're doing this.
[audience shouts encouragement]
[Alex] How's it going, Mel?
Really, really strong.
- [balloon pops] - [Alex] Look at him please.
Look at me, Lolly!
One minute left, one minute left.
[Alex] Look at him, look at him, look at him.
Look at me. Noel, look at me.
How long is that balloon?!
How long is your balloon-- No, look at him, please!
How long is my balloon?
How long is your balloon chain?
- Massive. - Is it?
[Alex] Ten seconds.
Not ready.
[Alex] Either way, five seconds.
Look at him, look at him.
[Joe] I'm not ready.
[blows whistle]
Stop touching your balloons!
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
- OK. - [balloons squeak]
Stop it.
Comfortably one of the most erotic experiences of my life.
It was very arousing.
It really was.
I spent the whole time taking my pants off and putting them back on.
[laughter]
Well, I look forward to your balloon chain being dragged out.
Shall we start with... Start with Desky?
Let's see what Desky's been up to under his smock.
Can I just give you... there...
What have...? What have you done?
[Greg] Jesus Christ!
[cheers and applause]
That broke! That was intact when you pulled it out, surely.
[Alex] Well, no.
That's really good, Desky.
One, two, three, four, five...
- Six! It's six balloons. - [Greg] Six!
[applause]
Let's see what Mr Lycett has done.
- [Joe] Yeah. - Where is the end?
Oh! Ah...
[Greg] One... two... three...
It's a three-balloon chain!
It's a three-balloon chain.
[applause]
Lolly, you had by far the most intense stare during that activity.
[Greg] Oh...!
[Mel] Good!
[Greg] Ooh...
I don't understand it.
[laughter]
Did you say "make a crazy balloon squid"?
There are ten balloons in it, but it's not as long as Desky's.
I'm gonna say it's a four-balloon chain.
Yeah, it's a four-balloon chain.
[applause]
It's all under there. All there.
[Greg] Ooh...
- [audience] Oooh! - One, two, three...
- [Greg] Four, five... - Four, five...
- Six, six, seven! - [Greg] SEVEN!
It's a seven-balloon chain!
- [cheers and applause] - A seven-balloon chain.
- That is impressive. - [Alex] Oh, yeah.
Careful!
- That is not the balloons or the smock. - [laughter]
Ah, double-ender.
Ah, that was attached.
Look, this was attached to that, and you...
Look, you haven't done it properly. You destroyed it!
This was attached to here and you pulled it apart.
- OK. - One, two three...
I deny pulling apart the end of the chain.
That's five. He did pull it apart, Greg.
Four-balloon chain. Sorry, Noel.
[applause]
Look, here's another one. Look, and there's the evidence at the end.
- Look, the groove. - Yeah, but I could say the same of this.
[laughter]
That's now an eight-balloon chain, Noel.
- [Noel] Yeah, but... - We could all do that, couldn't we?
It looks like the guys who had to design the Tube map
- have just a breakdown. - [laughter]
"Where's Edgeware?!"
[Greg] Very good.
Hey, I tell you what. Why don't we all come down
and we'll see how that's affected the final scores.
[applause]
Very good. Could we have a debrief, please, Alex?
Well, it seemed to be a generational thing.
Joe just got three, Lolly four, Noel four,
but the two senior citizens...
Hugh got six and Mel got a chain of seven balloons.
[Greg] Oh, well done!
- [cheers and applause] - [Greg] Well done.
So, dare I ask how that's affected the final scores?
Joe unfortunately had 13 points at the end of the episode.
Two people were tied in second place,
but they weren't Mel, because she wins the episode with 20 points!
[Greg] Oh!
[cheers and applause]
Mel is the proud winner of loads of stuff to brag about.
Please, Mel, go as smugly as you can
to the stage and collect your prizes!
[applause]
So, what have we learnt today?
Well, we've learnt that Joe Lycett has a lovely rictus grin,
and we've learnt that the adult Mel Giedroyc
exhibits guinea pigs and likes touching things.
Well, our winner has made it to the stage.
A big round of applause for Mel.
Thank you for watching, everyone. Good night!
[subtitles by tribbletown]