>> Stephen: PRESIDENT TRUMP CLOSE ADVISORS AND FRIENDS ARE
ADVISING HIM TO NOT SIT FOR AN INTERVIEW WITH SPECIAL COUNSEL
ROBERT MUELLER.
>> ARE YOU BEING INVESTIGATED FOR CONSPIRACY TO COLLUDE, AN
YOU'RE NERVOUS ABOUT WHAT ROBERT MUELLER KNOWS.
KAPLAN INTERVIEW PREP WILL GIVE YOU THE TOOLS YOU NEED TO ACE
YOUR FBISH MEETING LIKE QUESTIONING THE LEGITIMATE
EASE-- LEGITIMACY OF THE PROBE ITSELF.
>> THEY HAVE NO KOLLUSION.
>> THE WITCH-HUNT CONTINUES.
>> HAVING YOUR LAWYERS TURN THE TABLES.
MAYBE THERE SHOULD BE AN INVESTIGATION OF THE
INVESTIGATIONS' INVESTIGATION.
AND IF ALL ELSE FAILS, STAND.
>> ITS' THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.
TONIGHT THE-- HITS THE FAN PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES MOLLY SHANNON,
THOMAS LENNON AND COMEDIAN OWEN SMITH.
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IS NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
PLEASE SIT DOWN, EVERYBODY.
SIT, SIT, SIT, SIT.
YOU, DOWN, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANKS, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
ALL WEEK LONG, ALL WEEK LONG PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS TRIED
DESPERATELY TO CONVINCE US THAT HE IS A STABLE, STEADY LEADER.
HE TOOK QUESTIONS, OPENED UP A MEETING TO THE PRESS, MET WITH
FOREIGN DIGNITARIES, IT WAS A NICE ACT.
BUT LIKE MANY MEN HIS AGE HE CAN ONLY KEEP IT UP FOR SO LONG.
(LAUGHTER) TODAY, TODAY, TODAY HE RETURNED
TO THE SAME UNSTABLE, REACTIONARY PRESIDENT WE'VE ALL
COME TO KNOW AND-- KNOW.
THIS AFTERNOON HE WAS MEETING WITH LAWMAKERS TO DISCUSS
IMMIGRATION POLICY.
SEVERAL OF THESE LAWMAKERS SUGGESTED LIFTING RESTRICTIONS
FOR IMMIGRANTS FROM HAITI, EL SALVADORE AND VARIOUS AFRICAN
COUNTRY, TRUMP REPORTEDLY SAID WHY ARE WE HAVING ALL THESE
PEOPLE FROM [BLEEP] HOLE COUNTRIES COME HERE.
>> Jon: WOW (LAUGHTER)
TZ SIR, THEY'RE NOT [BLEEP] HOLE COUNTRY, FOR ONE, DONALD TRURP
ISN'T THEIR PRESIDENT.
(APPLAUSE) TZ AM I RIGHT?
I DON'T KNOW.
BUT THE PRESIDENT DIDN'T JUST COMPLAIN, HE OFFERED AN ALL AN
ALTERNATIVE.
HE THINKS THE UNITED STAIGHTS SHOULD INSTEAD BRING MORE PEOPLE
FROM COUNTRIES LIKE NORWAY.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
NOR NORWEGIAN PEOPLE?
YOU KCH MY DRIFT, PEOPLE WITH BLOND HAIR WHO NEED A LOT OF
SUNSCREEN.
YOU GET WHAT I AM SAYING?
I'M SAYING I'M A RACIST?
ARE YOU GETTING THAT PART?
IS THIS ON?
BUT THAT WASN'T THE ONLY PACKET OF INTERNATIONAL CRAZE RAY SAUCE
HE SQUIRTED OUT TODAY.
IN AN INTERVIEW WITH THE "THE WALL STREET JOURNAL" HE
REASSURED US THINGS ARE GOING GREAT WITH NORTH KOREA SAYING, I
PROBABLY HAVE A VERY GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH KIM JONG-UN.
PROBABLY?
THAT IS DEFINITELY TERRIFYING.
HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW IF YOU HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE?
I'M PROBABLY MARRIED TO MELANIA.
SHE CERTAINLY IS AROUND HERE A LOT.
NOW AT ONE POINT DONALD TRUMP SAID THAT NORTH KOREA MIGHT BE
DRIVING TO DRIVE A WEDGE BETWEEN THE U.S. AND SOUTH KOREA.
BUT ASSURED US THAT, I KNOW MORE ABOUT WEDGES THAN ANY HUMAN
BEING THAT'S LIVED.
OH SIR, YOU ARE A WEDGE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THE SIMPLEST OF TOOLS.
(LAUGHTER) BUT MECHANICAL ENGINEERING JOKE
IS WHAT THAT IS.
BUT IT WASN'T ALL FOREIGN WARS, HE ALSO DISCUSSED WARS INSIDE
THE WHITE HOUSE.
WHEN ASKED ABOUT WHETHER HIS RIFT WITH STEVE BANNON WAS
PERMANENT, TRUMP SAID, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE WORD PERMANENT
MEANS.
IT'S TRUE, NOT EVEN OBJECT PERMANENCE.
THAT'S WHY PEEKA-BOO IS SO TERRIFYING, WHERE DID MOMMY GO.
SHE'S BEHIND THE COUCH WITH THE BALL.
(LAUGHTER) TRUMP ALSO CREATED SOME PROBLEMS
FOR SUPPORTERS OF THE FOREIGN INTELLIGENCE SURVEILLANCE ACT.
REMEMBER THAT?
THEY HAVE TAPES SAYING YOU DO REMEMBER IT.
TODAY CONGRESS VOTED TO REAUTHORIZE IT BUT IT WAS TOUCH
AND GO FOR AWHILE BECAUSE A BIPARTISAN COALITION WANTED TO
ADD AN AMENDMENT TO PROTECT AMERICANS WERE BEING SPIED ON
WHICH IS GOOD.
I DON'T WANT THE NSA LISTENING TO EVERYTHING I SAY.
THAT'S ALEXA'S JOB.
BUT TRUMP ADMINISTRATION JUST SUPPORTED STRAIGHT
REAUTHORIZEATION WITH NO CHANGES.
YESTERDAY WE GOT A STATEMENT FROM WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY
AND WOMAN STANDING OVER A GRAVE SWEARING THE REST OF THE
SORORITY TO SECRETARY RESEE, SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS SAYING
THE ADMINISTRATION URGES THE HOUSE TO PRESERVE THE USEFUL
ROLE FISA SECTION 702 AUTHORITY PLAYS IN PROTECTING AMERICAN
LIVES.
BECAUSE YOUR LIFE IS IMPORTANT TO THEM.
I MEAN THEY'RE ONLY HALFWAY THROUGH LISTENING TO NOW THAT'S
WHAT I CALL ALLEN VOLUMES ONE THROUGH 60.
>> Jon: A LOT OF VOLUMES TZ.
>> Stephen: THAT IS I A CLEAR STATEMENT FROM THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION OTHER THAN DONALD TRUMP WHO TWEETED HAS SPOKE ON
CONTROVERSIAL FISA ACT TODAY.
THIS IS THE ACT THAT MAY HAVE BEEN USED WITH THE HELP OF THE
DISCREDITED AND PHONEY DOSSIER TO SO BADLY SUR VAIL AND ABUSE
THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN BY THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION AND
OTHERS.
(LAUGHTER) I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DOES THAT
MEAN, WHAT?
>> Jon: YOU GOT IT.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU ASKING THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION AND
OTHERS?
JUST OTHERS?
WELL, THAT CERTAINLY NARROWS IT DOWN.
THEY'RE ALL SPYING ON ME, OBAMA, CROOKED HILLARY, BIG FOOT.
(LAUGHTER) TED CRUZ'S DAD.
LOOK, CALL ME CRAZY, BUT I AM MENTALLY ILL.
NATURALLY-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: MENTALLY ILL.
WE GOT HUGE FANS OF MENTAL ILLNESS HERE TONIGHT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GOT THROUGH SECURITY.
NATURALLY REPUBLICS IN CONGRESS FREAKED OUT, SO TWO HOURS LATER
TRUMP ACTED LIKE TWO HOURS HADN'T PASSED.
WITH THAT BEING SAID, I HAVE PERSONALLY DIRECTED THE FIX TO
THE UNMASKING PROCESS SINCE TAKING OFFICE AND TODAY'S VOTE
IS ABOUT FOREIGN SURVEILLANCE OF FOREIGN BAD GUYS ON FOREIGN
LAND.
WE NEED IT.
GET SMART!
WE NEED TO GET SMART?
YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE LIVE TWEETING A DEBATE WITH YOURSELF
THAT YOU'RE LOSING.
(LAUGHTER) WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WHAT-- OF COURSE TWITTER IS ISN'T TRUMP'S ONLY TOOL FOR
SPREADING CONFUSION.
YESTERDAY HE HELD A JOINT PRESS CONFERENCE WITH NORWEGIAN PRIME
MINISTER AND OFFICE FUN GAL ERNA SOLBERG, THE PRESIDENT OPENED BY
CELEBRATING AN AIRCRAFT DEAL WITH NORWAY.
>> IN NOVEMBER WE STARTED DELIVERING THE FIRST F-52S.
AND F-35 FIGHTER JETS.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, BIG SALE.
THE ONLY PROBLEM WITH THE U.S.
SELLING NORWAY THESE POWERFUL 5-52S IS THAT AIRCRAFT DOES NOT
ACTUALLY EXIST.
(LAUGHTER) YEAH, THAT IS HOW GOOD OUR
STEALTH TECHNOLOGY HAS GOTTEN.
WE'RE MAKING PLANES EVEN WE CAN'T SEE.
NOW THE PRESIDENT PROBABLY JUST MISSPOKE OR AS HE CALLS IT,
SPOKE.
ALTHOUGH THERE IS A CHANCE HE WAS TALKING ABOUT THE F-52, A
FICTIONAL AIRCRAFT THAT FEATURE PROMINENTLY IN THE CALL OF DUTY
VIDEO GAME SERIES.
>> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: COULD BE.
NOT A GOOD SIGN IF THE PRESIDENT WANTS TO USE VIDEO GAME WEAPONS.
ALL RIGHT, GENERALS, IF NORTH KOREA ATTACKS, WE HIT THEM WITH
A TURTLE SHELL.
GRAB THE PRINCESS AND THEN WARP WHISTLE THE HELL OUT OF THERE.
BUT NORWAY MAY NEED THEIR FLEET OF F-52S SOON TO COUNTER A
SERIOUS THREAT.
>> THE AMERICAN GENERAL ROBERT MUELLER TOLD HIS MARINES BASED
IN NORWAY THERE IS A WAR COMING.
A BIG ASS FIGHT.
>> Stephen: YES, A BIG ASS FIGHT, A REAL MOTHER FJORDING
THROWDOWN AGAINST SOME TOTAL OSLOS.
THAT'S KIND OF A SCARY STATEMENT FROM AN AMERICAN GENERAL.
BUT DON'T WORRY, PRESIDENT TRUMP HAD A VERY REASSURING ASS
ANSWER.
>> WHEN WILL THAT WAR COME.
>> MAYBE HE KNOWS SOMETHING THAT I DON'T KNEE.
>> Stephen: AND IF HE DOES, PLEASE DON'T TELL ME.
HE MIGHT BE THROWING ME A SURPRISE WAR.
NO SPOILERS.
(LAUGHTER) BUT THE BIG MOMENT CAME WHEN
TRUMP WAS ASKED IF HE WOULD BE WILLING TO SIT DOWN WITH AN
INTERVIEW WITH ROBERT MUELLER.
>> AGAIN, JOHN, THERE HAS BEEN NO KOLLUSION BETWEEN-- COLLUSION
BETWEEN THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN OR RUSSIANS OR TRUMP AND RUSSIANS.
WHEN THEY HAVE NO COLLUSION AND NOBODY HAS FOUND ANY COLLUSION
AT ANY LEVEL, IT SEEMS UNLIKELY THAT YOU WOULD EVEN HAVE AN
INTERVIEW.
>> Stephen: YEAH, WHY WOULD MUELLER INTERVIEW TRUMP IN AN
INVESTIGATION ABOUT TRUMP?
I MEAN WATCH ANY COP SHOW.
EXCUSE ME, SIR, THE LAB FOUND BLOOD STAINS IN YOUR CAR.
I HAVE ZERO QUESTIONS.
YOU'RE FREE TO GO.
(LAUGHTER) BUT THE PRESIDENT DIDN'T SEEM
WORRIED ABOUT THIS RUSSIA INVESTIGATION.
HE BARELY EVEN MENTIONED IT.
>> NO COLLUSION.
>> CAN I ONLY SAY THIS, THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO COLLUSION.
>> NO COLLUSION.
>> NO COLLUSION, EVERYBODY KNOWS IT.
>> Stephen: IT'S LIKE THE OLD GOEBBEL'S QUOTE, IF YOU REPEAT A
LIE OFTEN ENOUGH IT BECOMES TRUE, THEN AGAIN I'M A NAZI SO
MAYBE DON'T TAKE ADVISE FROM ME.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MOLLY SHANNON IS HERE WHEN WE RETURN, I SHARE MY NEW YEAR'S
CONFESSIONS.
STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY, SAY I HAD TO JON
BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN RIGHT OVER THERE, EVERYBODY.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, JON, ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS TO DO ON
THIS SHOW IS CONFESSIONS.
>> Jon: OH YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND WITH 2018 NOW, WE'RE ABOUT TO DO OUR FIRST
CONFESSIONS OF 2018.
ANYBODY, SPEAKING OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH, ANYBODY CATCH
POPE FRANCIS' NEW YEAR'S DAY ADDRESS IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL.
HE CALLED FOR GLOBAL PEACE AND FOR KINDNESS TOWARD THE WORLD'S
REFUGEES.
AND HE ALSO URGED ALL OF US TO DUMP LIFE'S USELESS BAGGAGE.
WE WANT TO HOLY FATHER BUT HE'S IN OFFICE UNTIL 2020.
OF COURSE YOU KNOW-- (APPLAUSE)
IT'S NO SECRET, AS I SAID, I'M A CATHOLIC.
I'M A BAD KIT LICK, THE MOST COMMON KIND.
(LAUGHTER) FOR INSTANCE, I HARDLY EVER GET
TO CHURCH ON SUNDAYS BUT I'M GOING TO BINGE WATCH ALL THE
MASSES OVER MY NEXT GREAK.
NOW WHAT I MISS MOST OF ALL IS CONFESSION.
SO IF YOU DON'T MIND I WOULD LIKE TO CONFESS TO YOU MY
AUDIENCE, YOU WON'T TELL ANYBODY, RIGHT?
>> OF COURSE NOT!
>> Stephen: GREAT.
THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT'S MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: STANDARD DISCLAIMER, I DON'T KNOW IF
THESE ARE TECHNICALLY SINS BUT I DO FEEL BAD ABOUT THEM.
OKAY, I WILL BE RIGHT BACK.
FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE, AT MY FRIEND'S NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY I
SCREAMED, TONIGHT WE'RE GOING TO PARTY LIKE IT'S 1899.
THEN RELEASED FARM ANIMALS AND CHOLERA.
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: AT OUR OFFICE PARTY, I TOOK MY PANTS OFF IN
THE ELEVATOR.
THEN PUSHED ALL THE BUTTONS IN THE MOST INEXCUSABLABLE WAY
POSSIBLE.
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, AUDIENCE, I LIKE TO
PULL THE FIRE ALARM TO DROWN OUT THE SOUND OF THE FIRES I START.
(LAUGHTER) I BOUGHT A TON OF CUTE HOLIDAY
WRAPPING PAPER WITH POLAR BEARS ON IT AND NOW I'M WORRIED I
WON'T BE ABLE TO USE IT BEFORE THEY GO EXTINCT.
YEAH, I AGREE, THAT'S WHY I AM CONFESSING IT TO YOU.
AUDIENCE, I GOT THOSE ADULT COLORING BOOKS CUZ I THOUGHT
ADULT MEANT THEY WOULD HAVE NAKED PEOPLE IN THEM.
I BOUGHT A LOT OF PEACH CRAYONS.
(LAUGHTER) I NEVER LAUNDER MY TOWELS.
I JUST SHOWERED.
I BELIEVE I'M CLEANING THE TOWEL BY RUBBING IT ON ME.
AUDIENCE, WHEN SOMEONE INVITES ME TO A PARTY AND I SAY I HAVE
OTHER PLANS, MY PLANS ARE NOT GOING TO THEIR PARTY.
(APPLAUSE) PLAWS WHEN I VISIT MY RELATIVES,
I ALWAYS LEAVE WITH MORE IPHONE CHARGERS THAN I CAME
WITH.
(LAUGHTER) I'M GOING TO OPEN A STORE.
THERE ARE THINGS IN MY REFRIGERATOR OLDER THAN MY
REFRIGERATOR.
(LAUGHTER) SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, AUDIENCE,
I LIKE TO SPEND THE DAY IN A COMFY BATH ROBE WATCHING ELLEN,
OR AT LEAST I DID BEFORE SHE GOT THE RESTRAINING ORDER.
(LAUGHTER) FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE.
>> WE FORGIVE YOU!
>> Stephen: THANKS, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MOLLY SHANNON.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: THAT SONG TAKES ME BACK.
I NEEDED IT.
>> Jon: OH YEAH.
>> Stephen: HEY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME BACK TO THE
LATE SHOW, YOU KNOW MY FIRST GUEST FROM HER SIX SEASONS ON
SNL AND PLAYING MANY MEMORABLE CARS INCLUDING SUPERSTAR, MARY
KATHERINE GALLAGHER, SHE NOW STARS ON HBO'S DIVORCE.
>>-- LONG WEEKEND, ON VACATION.
>> I WAS THINKING SOMETHING BIGGER.
WE COULD DO THAT MEDITATION SAFARI WE'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO
DO.
>> I'M GOING TO RETIRE.
DIANNE.
SAY SOMETHING.
>> GREAT.
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME MOLLY SHANNON.
(APPLAUSE) >> I'M EXCITED TO BE HERE.
(APPLAUSE) SO COOL.
>> Stephen: HEY, I'M SO GLAD YOU ARE HERE.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: I HAVE WANTED TO TALK TO YOU FOR YEARS I'M SUCH A
BIG FAN OF YOURS FOR SO MANY YEARS NOW.
>> I'M A BIG FAN OF YOURS I'M SO NERVOUS TO BE HERE.
>> Stephen: WHY, YOU ARE AN OLD PRO.
>> THANKS.
>> Stephen: I MEAN NOT OLD PRO.
>> I DIDN'T TAKE IT THAT WAY.
>> Stephen: SHOWBIZ TERM, YOU ARE ARE A HAND AT THIS.
>> THANK YOU, IT'S FUNNY THOUGH WHEN YOU HAVEN'T DONE LIVE
TELEVISION FOR AWHILE.
I STILL GET REALLY NERVOUS.
I FORGET LIKE HOW YOUR HEART POUNDS, YOU FORGET ABOUT THAT
FOR SOME REASON.
>> Stephen: YEAH, WELL NOW MINE IS.
I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT UNTIL YOU TOLD ME JUST NOW.
FIRST OF ALL, I JUST WANT TO SAY, I LOVE, I LOVE STUPID
THINGS FOR THE SAME OF THEM JUST BEING AS STUPID AS YOU CAN MAKE
THEM.
YOU AND WILL FERRELL DID SOMETHING JUST WONDERFULLY
STUPID ON NEW YEAR'S DAY.
TELL THE GOOD PEOPLE WHAT YOU TWO DID.
>> THANK YOU, STEPHEN.
WILL FERRELL AND I HOSTED THE ROSE BOWL PARADES ACCORD AND
TISH AND WE HAD SO MUCH FUN DOING IT.
IT WAS DRK DSH IT WAS THRILLING.
>> Stephen: BUT AND FOR NO OTHER REASON LIKE IT WASN'T IN
SUPPORT OF SOME OTHER THING.
>> NO.
>> Stephen: YOU AREN'T MAKING A MOVIE WITH THEETION
CHARACTERS, YOU JUST-- WHERE DID IT COME FROM?
>> IT WAS JUST FOR FUN.
I THINK-- .
>> Stephen: BUT YOU DIDN'T TELL THE VIEWERS.
>> NO.
>> Stephen: THAT IT WAS A JOKE.
>> NO.
>> Stephen: AND SOME OF THEM WERE NOT HAPPY.
>> IS THAT RIGHT?
YES, I HEARD ABOUT THAT.
>> Stephen: YEAH, WELL I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAVE SEEN THIS BUT
YOU GOT THIS AMAZING AMAZON REVIEWS BECAUSE IT WAS ON AMAZON
PRIME, AMAZON PRIME, COULD YOU WATCH THIS RIGHT HERE, IF YOU
LOOK AT THIS.
OKAY.
THAT IS HOW MANY PEOPLE LIKED IT.
THAT IS HOW MANY PEOPLE HATED IT.
AND EVERYBODY IN BETWEEN WAS REALLY CONFUSED.
I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT.
CAN WE-- DO WE HAVE A CLIP OF THIS?
SHOW THE PEOPLE WHAT WE ARE TALKING ABOUT HERE.
>> COMING NOW.
>> DON'T GO CRAZY, CORD.
>> I CAN'T HELP IT IT IS THE MAYOR OF PASADENA, CARRY TORNAK.
>> CARRY TORNNABBING.
CARRY TORNABBING.
CARRY TORNAK, HAVING A PINT OF BEER WITH YOU IN THE PUB LATER.
>> CARRY TOUNNAK!
>> TWO HOURS, TWO HOURS.
>> Stephen: I JUST ASKED HOW LONG YOU DID THAT.
>> TWO HOURS, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: TWO HOURS OF THAT IN CHARACTER.
>> IN, KA, IT WAS A LITTLE HARD.
I WAS LIKE OH, I HOPE I DON'T GET IN TROUBLE OR SAY SOMETHING
BAD.
>> Stephen: CAN YOU GET IN TROUBLE FOR SAYING SOMETHING BAD
ON AM GLORNTION YOU CAN DO ANYTHING THERE.
>> I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: I WILL READ YOU ONE OF THE REVIEWS.
I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO GIVE THIS ANY STARS.
THE TWO HOSTS NEEDED TO BE PLACED IN A PSYCH WARD SOME
PLACE.
I WAS SO DISAPPOINTED IN THE COVERAGE.
ONE, BECAUSE OF THE HOSTS AND SECOND BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T SHOW
ALL THE FLOATS.
SO ANYWAY, MUCH RESPECT FOR NOT TELLING ANYONE WHAT THE HELL WAS
GOING ON.
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: NOW AGE THEN YOU HAVE DONE SO MANY CHARACTERS
OVER THE YEARS.
MARY KATHERINE GALLAGHER, OBVIOUSLY.
TERA RIALTO, THE SCHWETY BALLS.
SALLY O'MALLEY.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: NOW YOU HAVE ALWAYS DONE CHARACTERS?
BECAUSE I HAVE A SUSPICION YOU HAVE BECAUSE WE GOT THIS.
>> YES, THAT SHALL-- .
>> Stephen: HOW OLD ARE YOU.
>> THAT WAS WHEN I WAS PROBABLY NINE OR TEN AND THAT IS ONE OF
MY BEST FRIENDS THAT I GREW UP WITH.
>> Stephen: NINE OR TEN GOING ON 45 RIGHT HERE, THERE YOU ARE.
THIS IS YOU RIGHT HERE.
>> YEAH, WE WOULD ALWAYS DO CHARACTERS GROWING UP.
AND SHE WAS THE GIRL WHO FIRST TOLD ME THAT SHE COULD PICTURE
ME IN THE MOVIES.
WE SAW THIS ROBERT ALTMAN MOVIE CALLED NASHVILLE AND KAREN BLACK
HAD A SOUTHERN ACCENT AND SHE WAS SINGING AND SHE SAID CAN I
PICTURE YOU BEING IN THE MOVIES, WE WERE LIKE HUCK FINN, AND TOM
SAWYER I GO YOU COULD.
>> I COULD PICK PICTURE YOU IN A SOUTHERN ACCENT IN THE MOVIES,
WE WOULD HAVE CONVERSATIONS LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: WHERE DID YOU GROW UP.
>> CLEVELAND, OHIO.
>> Stephen: DID YOU HAVE A SENSE OF HOW ONE WOULD GO BE IN
A MOVIE.
>> NO, NOT AT ALL.
BUT MY DAD WAS LIKE MY MOMMA GYPSY ROSE.
HE WAS LIKE, YOU GO IN, WHEN ARE YOU OUT IN HOLLYWOOD YOU GO INTO
THOSE TALENT AGENTS AND JUST TELL THEM HEY, HOLD THE PHONE, I
GOT TALENT.
LIKE HE-- HE HAD REAL LIKE OLD TIMEY ADVICE.
>> Stephen: HOW ONE OF WATCH WAS YOUR DAD'S NAME.
>> JIM SWEETEST.
HE WAS A DAPPER DRESSER.
AND HE WAS IRISH CATHOLIC.
HE WAS A RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC.
AND HE WAS JUST LIKE, HE TOOK A REAL INTEREST IN PEOPLE.
AND HE WAS JUST THE BEST.
I ADORED HIM.
>> Stephen: NOW NO, THIS KID WHO-- HOW OLD WERE YOU.
>> I WAS LIKE TEN.
>> Stephen: ABOUT TEN, SMOKING A CAMEL STRAIGHT.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: SO KIDS WHO LIKE ACTOR KIDS, KIDS DOING
CHARACTERS LIKE THIS WITH CIGARETTES MIGHT BE A LITTLE BIT
OF A HANDFUL AND YOUR DAD WAS A SINGLE DAD.
DID YOU MAKE LIFE HELL FOR HIM WHEN YOU WERE A TEENAGER.
>> HE DID HAVE A HARD TIME, BECAUSE HE HAD TO TAKE US TO
SCHOOL AND COOK AND CLEAN THE HOUSE AND WE GET WORRIED ABOUT
GETTING BEHIND IN THE CLEANING.
SO HE, THIS IS BEFORE HE GOT INTO RECOVERY.
HE WOULD TAKE SPEED, WENT TO CLEAN THE HOUSE.
AND-- HE USED TO TAKE-- .
>> Stephen: ON A THURSDAY NIGHT.
>> THURSDAY NIGHT WE JUST POP A LITTLE DEXAMIL BECAUSE WE BE SO
BEHIND IN THE CLEANING AND IT WAS A COMBINATION OF AN
AMPHETAMINE AND TRANG LYZER, A PERFECT COMBO.
>> Stephen: YIN YANG.
>> KIND OF SPEEDY BUT CALM, SO THEN HE WOULD JUST CLEAN AND
CLEAN AND HE WOULD BE LIKE OH DADDY IS CLEANING.
AND HE WOULD STILL BE CLEANING AND MY SISTER MARY AND I WOULD
GO TO BED AND THE SUN WOULD BE RISING AND SHE WOULD COME IN MY
ROOM, SHE WAS LIKE DADDY'S STILL DOWNSTAIRS CLEANING SLARM AND
THEN WE WENT DOWN TO THE BASEMENT AND HE WOULD BE FOLDING
LAUNDRY WITH A CIGARETTE IN HIS MOUTH, A SPEED FREAK LIKE,
FOLDING LAUNDRY.
BUT THEN THE HOUSE WAS SPARKLING CLEAN AND HE WOULD PLAY JUDY GAR
LAND MUSIC LIKE SWANEE HOW I LOVE YOU, HOW I LOVE YOU.
AND THE HOUSE WAS CLEAN, AFTER IT WAS CLEAN HE PLAYED JUDY
GARLAND.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> AND THEN WE WOULD CELEBRATE.
>> Stephen: I THINK JUDY GARLAND HAD SOME OF YOUR DAD'S
PILLS TOO, BY THE WAY.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: DON'T KNOW.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: SO OKAY.
SO YOU GREW NEWSPAPER AN IRISH CATHOLIC HOME.
>> VERY CATHOLIC AND IRISH LIKE YOU.
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
>> MY DAD WAS THE YOUNGEST OF TEN.
>> Stephen: YOUNGEST OF 11.
IT IS GREAT TO BE THE BABY OF THE BIG FAMILY.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: HOW CATHOLIC ARE WE TALK SMG ARE WE TALKING
DAILY, COMMUN, CA, DAILY NOFINAS, NUNS.
>> VERY CATHOLIC, SO CATHOLIC THAT WHEN I PLAYED BARBIE DOLLS
I WOULD HAVE CATHOLIC SCENARIOS, I WOULD HAVE CONFESSIONALS FOR
THE BARBIES AND ONE CHRISTMAS I GOT A STRETCH ARMSTRONG DOLL AND
I WAS LIKE HE WILL MAKE A PERFECT PRIEST, HE'S SO BIG AND
STRETCHY!
I WOULD MAKE THE BARBY-- FATHER, FORGIVE, FATHER ARMSTRONG,
FORGIVE ME FOR I HAVE SINNED.
AND THEY WOULD, SO I HAD SEXY CATHOLIC SCEB ARIOS.
AND-- SCENARIOS.
>> Stephen: THAT IS EXTREMELY CATHOLIC.
>> >> Stephen: FATHER WHAT A
WASTE.
>> BUT THEN YEAH, AND MY DAD WAS VERY CATHOLIC.
HE WENT ON A RETREAT ONCE, A RECOVERY CATHOLIC RETREAT AND HE
CAME BACK AND WE WOULD BE ORDERING TAKEOUT AT MANNERS, THE
LOCAL DINNER HE WOULD GO GET OUR BURGERS FOR MY SISTER MARY AND I
GO AND WHILE YOU ARE WAITING IN THE CAR SAY HAIL MARIES.
EH THAT IS TOO CATHOLIC SO JUST LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: HAIL MARY MAKES A GREAT APPETIZER THOUGH.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: IT WAS SO LOVELY TO MEET YOU.
>> SELF-EN, THANK YOU.
I AM SO HAPPY FOR ALL YOUR SUCCESS AND A TRUE HONOR FOR ME
TO BE ON YOUR TFERLINGS SHOW.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WELL, DIVORCE RETURN THIS SUNDAY, ON HBO.
MOLLY SHANNON, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
WITH THOMAS LENNON.
(APPLAUSE)
♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
(APPLAUSE) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT
GUEST TONIGHT IS A COMEDIAN WHO HAS STARRED IN EVERYTHING FROM
RENO 911 TO LETHAL WEAPON ON FOX.
PLEASE WELCOME THOMAS LENNON.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: HELLO.
>> HI.
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> SO GOOD TO SEE YOU, SIR.
>> Stephen: NOW I FOUND OUT SOMETHING RIGHT BEFORE YOU
WALKED OUT HERE.
LET ME SEE IF I HAVE THIS CORRECT.
YOU KNOW MOLLY SHANNON, ARE YOU FRIENDS.
>> I KNOW MOLLY QUITE WELL.
SHE LIVES AROUND THE CORNER FROM ME.
SO SOME DAYS YOU WILL JUST LOOK OUT SHE WILL BE ON THE FRONT
LAWN LIKE ON HER CELL PHONE AND THINGS LAKE THAT.
BUT ONCE MOLLY AND I ACTUALLY SAVED THE LIFE OF A SQUIRREL.
>> Stephen: WHY DID YOU NEED TO SAVE THE LIFE OF A SQUIRREL,
WHO WAS THREATENING IT?
>> A JUVENILE SQUIRREL, APPROACHED US.
>> Stephen: BABY SQUIRREL.
>> A BABY SQUIRREL, A YOUNGEST, JUVENILE, STARTS COMING DOWN THE
STREET TOWARDS US.
AND I'M ASSUMING IT WAS BECAUSE WE'RE NAM US-- FAME US.
-- FAMOUS.
TANNED IS LIKE HOW CAN I GET BOTH OF THEM AT THE SAME TIME,
WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THIS, IT IS CRAZY, I GOT THE GUY FLT SHORTS
AND THE ARMPIT ONE, THIS IS NUTS.
HERE THEY ARE BOTH ARE.
SQUIRREL COMES UP AND WE DWE SIDE WE'RE GOING TO SAVE THE
SQUIRREL IF THERE IS ONE THING WE CAN DO, IS SAVE THE LIFE OF A
SQUIRREL.
>> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND, WHAT ABOUT THE SQUIRREL
INDICATED TO YOU IT NEEDED TO BE SAVED?
ALL HAVE I HEARD SO FAR IS A SQUIRREL WALKS TOWARDS YOU.
>> IT MIGHT HAVE JUST WANTED AN AUTOGRAPH, I DON'T KNOW YOU BUT
IT SEEMED, IT SEEMED IN DISTRESS.
>> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT THE SQUIRREL.
>> THE SQUIRREL SEEMED VERY IN DISTRESS T WAS
APPROACHING-- HAVE YOU MET-- YOU HAVE NEVER MET A JUVENILE
SQUIRREL IN DISTRESS.
>> Stephen: I HAVE ATTEMPTED TO SAVE A SQUIRREL'S LIFE
BEFORE.
>> IT'S A TRICK, A REAL TRICK.
>> Stephen: SOMETIMES DOESN'T WORK.
>> A PENNY FOR ALL THE FAILURES OF JAWFER NILE SQUIRRELS WE'VE
TRIED TO SAVE.
NOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN IS A JUVENILE SQUIRREL, THIS IS
TOTALLY TRUE, A SQUIRREL THAT HAS LOST ITS PARENT OR CAN'T
FEED ITSELF WILL GO, FIND A HUMAN AND APPROACH IT,
ESPECIALLY IF IT IS A CELEBRITY OR A COMEDIAN, SEMLY COMEDIANS
THEY CAN SMELL IT.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> BUT THE SQUIRREL WILL APPROACH HUMANS TO GET RESCUED
BECAUSE THEY KNOW THAT YOU WILL LOOK AFTER THEM.
SO MOLLY SHANNON DISTRACTED THE SQUIRREL FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
I WENT HOME AND GOT A TRAP.
NOW-- .
>> Stephen: YOU HAD A SQUIRREL TRAP.
>> NOW IT GETS STICKY.
HERE IS WHERE-- OKAY, HERE IS WHERE I GET WRAPPED AROUND THE
WHEEL.
WILL YOU SAY TOM, WHY DO YOU HAVE A TRAP.
>> Stephen: WHY DO YOU HAVE A TRAP, TOM.
>> BECAUSE SOMETIMES YOU GOT TO TRAP STUFF.
>> Stephen: DID YOU GROW UP IN APPALACHIA WHY DO YOU HAVE A
SQUIRREL TRAP.
>> STEVE, WE HAD A LITTER OF OPPOSSUMS UNDER THE HOUSE.
I WAS TRAPPING THEM AND TAKE THEM TO THE PARK.
>> Stephen: YEAH, REALLY.
>> VUS FOR THE DAY AND THEN I WOULD BRING THEM BACK, YEAH.
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: GOOD DAD.
>> I JUST TAKE THEM UP.
WE GO ON THE CAR SELL AND STUFF.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> SO I HAVE BEEN TRAPPING SOME MAR SUPERYALS AT THE RESIDENCE,
TAKING THEM ON EXCURSIONS AND SUCH BECAUSE I'M A SOFT HEARTED
TYPE.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> NOW I GO BACK, DO YOU SOME SCHTICK FOR THE SQUIRREL,.
>> Stephen: TIGHT TEN.
>> AND SHE'S GOT GOOD ENERGY.
>> Stephen: ABSOLUTELY.
>> SO SHE DISTRACTS THE SQUIRREL.
I RUN BACK TO THE RESIDENCE, GET ONE OF MY GOOD OLD OPOSSUM TRAPS
AND WE ARE ABLE TO TRAP THIS SQUIRREL.
TURNS OUT IT IS SEVERELY DEHYDRATED.
I TOOK IT TO LIKE THERE IS A SQUIRREL DOCTOR IN THE VALLEY.
>> Stephen: WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
THAT HAS A SQUIRREL DOCTOR.
>> HE'S A LITTLE BIT OF A DRIVE.
AND THE THING ABOUT THE SQUIRREL DOCTOR HE IS NOT A REGULAR
MEDICAL DOCTOR AT ALL.
>> Stephen: NOT A VET.
>> IS HE ACTUALLY A GUY THAT HAD A REALLY BIG WALL FALL ON HIS
HEAD ONE TIME, HE IS LIKE I CAN'T DO THAT ANY MORE SO NOW
I'M JUST A DOCTOR FOR SQUIRRELS.
(LAUGHTER) BUT I WAS ABLE TO FIND-- I
LOOKED UP THE GUY.
>> Stephen: HAVE I SO MANY QUESTIONS, EVERY SENTENCE YOU
SAY MYSTIFIES MORE THAN INFORMS.
>> NOW I'M-- .
>> Stephen: LET'S CATCH UP.
>> NOW I'M SPINNING PLATES, MOLLY SHANNON DOING SCHTICK, A
JUVENILE SCWIR KNELL A TRAP, I'M ON THE PHONE WITH A GUY WHO HAS
HAD A WALL FALL ON HIS HEAD WHO IS NOT OKAY ANY MORE AND TELLS
ME VERY EARLY IN THE THING, I'M NOT A DOCTOR, JUST SO YOU KNOW.
I'M VERY HEAVY THING FELL ON MY HEAD.
AND THEY SAID I CAN'T DO THAT ANY MORE.
SO THE SCWIR SELL FINE.
IS THE END OF THE STORY.
THE SQUIRREL-- THE SQUIRREL DID GREAT.
>> Stephen: WOW, I FEEL LIKE A WALL JUST FELL ON MY HEAD.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHAT DID THEY DO, GAVE IT A CUP OF WATER AND THE
SQUIRREL WAS FINE.
>> HAVE YOU-- SEE, YOU HAVE NEVER SUCCESSFULLY SAVED A
SQUIRREL.
>> Stephen: HAVE I NOT.
>> THE SECRET IS YOU HAVE TO-- THE DEHYDRATED SQUIRREL,
THE NOT A DOCTOR SQUIRREL DOCTOR OUT IN THE VALLEY, YOU HAVE TO
INJECT THEM.
HE INJECTED HIM WITH SOME SAL EVEN AND THE SQUIRREL PERKED UP
AND LOOKED AROUND AND IT WAS LIKE-- .
>> Stephen: MAYBE IT WASN'T SALINE.
>> REMEMBER, NOT A DOCTOR AT ALL, SOMETHING VERY HEAVY FELL
ON HIS HEAD.
>> Stephen: NOW YOU ARE-- YOU'VE GOT A NEW NETFLIX
MOVIE CALLED A FUTILE AND STUPID GESTURE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: I'M FATION NATURED BY THE IDEA OF THE MOVIE.
>> IT SAY MOVIE ABOUT THE ORIGINS OF THE NATIONAL LAMPOON,
WHICH WAS A SORT OF GROUND BREAKING COMEDY MAGAZINE WHICH
THEN LEAD TO, THEY MADE A LOT OF FILMS, NATIONAL LAMPOON, ALSO
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE SORT OF, A LOT OF THE WRITERS GENERATED
FROM THAT.
SO BUT THE FILM IS ON NETFLIX JANUARY 26th.
AND IT IS A LOT OF, IT IS INTERESTING BECAUSE THERE'S A
LOT OF COMEDIANS AND PEOPLE YOU KNOW PLAYING OTHER COMEDIANS AND
PEOPLE YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: WHO DO YOU PLAY?
MY FAVORITE WAS HENRY BEARD.
>> HENRY BEARD IS PLAYED BY DONALD GLEESON.
DOUG KENY IS WILL FORTE.
JOE McHAIL IS CHEVY CHASE, NATASHA LEONE AND ANN BEAT ES
AND I PLAY A-- I NEVER WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO MEET HIM BUT THE FIRST
HEAD WRITER OF SNL MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE.
>> Stephen: I MET HIM ONCE RIGHT BEFORE HE DIED.
>> HE DIED YOUNG, I'M AFRAID.
BUT HE WAS AN ABSOLUTE CRAZY GENIUS.
>> Stephen: WHAT WERE THOSE EARLY DAYS LIKE AT THE LAMPOON.
WERE THEY CHAOTIC.
>> IT SEEMS REALLY, REALLY INTENSE FROM-- I READ A BIT
ABOUT MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE AND HE WAS AN INTENSE FIGURE.
AND I KNOW THAT HE WROTE SOMETHING, HE WAS ONCE
DISCOVERED IN THE FILM, HE WROTE SOMETHING SO PROVOCATIVE IN THE
NATIONAL LAMPOON BUT HE WAS MAILED DYNAMITE, SOMEONE MAILED
HIM DYNAMITE WITH HIS NAME LIKE AS A FAN LETTER, DYNAMITE, JERK.
AND HE THOUGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS.
HE WAS THAT KIND OF GUY.
>> Stephen: HE WROTE A SKETCH THAT HE BROUGHT US TO AT A SHOW
CALLED X57.
HE BROUGHT A SKETCH TO US TO SEE IF WE WANTED TO DO IT, THIS IS
WHEN WE MET HIM IN THE SKETCH IT WAS A MAN STRAPPING ON BODY
ARMOUR AND TAKING A SEMIAUTOMATIC WEAPON AND GOING
OUT TO A TOWN AND JUST KILLING EVERYONE BY SHOOTING THEM RIGHT
IN THE CHESES.
SHOOTING EVERYBODY RIGHT IN THE CHEST AND NOT A SINGLE JOKE IN T
SHOOTING EVERYBODY IN THE CHEST AND HE GETS BACK TO HIS HOUSE
AND EVERYBODY WHO HAS BEEN SHOT GETS UP AND STARTS KISSING EACH
OTHER.
HE TURNS AROUND AND HE HAS LITTLE ANGEL WINGS, HE'S YOU CAN
PID.
-- CUP I HAD BUT WITH A MACHINE BEGUN.
>> Stephen: WE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO TELL HIM WE WEREN'T GOING TO
DO IT.
>> YEAH, THAT'S-- .
>> Stephen: IT WAS SO GREAT TO SEE YOU, PLESH.
>> PLEASURE TO BELY.
>> Stephen: GOOD LUCK WITH THE SQUIRREL.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: A FUTILE AND STUPID GESTURE IS COMING TO
NETFLIX JANUARY 26th.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMEDIAN OWEN SMITH.
>> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK, MY NEXT GUEST IS A STANDUP
COMEDIAN MAKING HIS NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT, PLEASE WELCOME
OWEN SMITH!
(APPLAUSE) >> ALL RIGHT, WOW.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
YEAH, SO I AM MARRIED.
SORRY LADIES.
(LAUGHTER) I GOT MARRIED LATER IN LIFE IS
MY WIFE IS OLDER.
SHE NOT OLDER THAN ME, SHE'S JUST OLDER THAN WHAT I THOUGHT
MY WIFE WOULD BE.
LIKE MY EGO WANTED ONE IN HER 20S, YOU KNOW, CUZ IT'S EASY TO
IMPRESS A WOMAN IN HER 20S.
ALL YOU NEED IS A PLACE WITH TWO BATHROOMS.
ARE THOSE TWO BATHROOMS, OH, YOU A BALLER,, FLUSH FLUSH,, WHO IS
YOU.
BUT GIRLS IN THEIR 20S BE LIKE I WANT YOU TO BE FAITHFUL, AND
HAVE A SIX PACK.
YOU NEED TO CHOOSE.
(LAUGHTER) I'M NOT WORKING THAT HARD FOR
JUST YOU.
I NEEDED TO HOP UP A DECADE TO FIND MY PERSON.
I NEEDED ME A WOMAN WITH AILMENTS.
(LAUGHTER) I NEEDED A DEF YAITED ACCEPT TUM
IN MY LIFE.
-- SEPTUM IN MY LIFE.
DOCTOR SAY IT'S DEVIATED.
>> I SEE YOUR TWO LITTLE BATHROOMS.
I FELL FOR MY WIFE ON OUR SECOND DATE, THOSE AILMENTS WERE REAL.
WE WENT FOR A WALK AND I REMEMBER SHE JUST YELLED OUT,
SLOW DOWN, I DON'T HAVE NO CART LADGE IN MY LEFT KNEE, OKAY?
I AM IN LOVE.
IF SHE NOT ON DIE ALL SIS WE MIGHT BE A MATCH.
FELLAS, I'M TELLING YOU, WHEN YOU READY FOR A WIFE, I HIGHLY
RECOMMEND WOMEN IN THEIR 30S.
THEY KNOW WHO THEY ARE.
THEY LIVE LIFE A LITTLE BIT SO THEY GOT CRAZY STORIES.
THEN HE LOCKED ME IN THE CLOSET.
(LAUGHTER) BUT THE SEXIEST THING ABOUT
THEM, SEXY THING ABOUT WOMEN IN THEIR 30S IS THEY HAVE HAD THEIR
PRINCESS DREAM KNOCKED RIGHT OUT OF THEM.
THEY ARE JUST A RIGHT AMOUNT OF BITTER.
HMMMM, WHOOO.
IF YOU MEET A WOMAN OVER 35 AND SINGLE, I'M WILLING TO BET THAT
WAS NOT THE PLAN.
YEAH, SINGLE WOMEN OVER 35 HAVE BEEN LIED TO BEFORE.
SO SHE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE NOTHING YOU SAY.
EVERY TIME YOU TALK YOU ARE GOING TO FEEL LIKE ARE YOU ON
LAW & ORDER.
ARE YOU GOING TO BE WAITING TO HEAR DUMB DUMB AT THE END OF
ALL-- -- DUM DUM AT THE END OF YOUR SENTENCE, MY WIFE DIDN'T
TRUST MY HELLO WHEN WE FIRST MET, HEY, BEAUTIFUL, HOW ARE YOU
DOING.
>> HUH-UH, YOU DON'T KNOW ME YET, TALKING ABOUT HI.
SHE WAS SUSPICION OF EVERYTHING.
WHEN WE WERE DATING IT WAS RAINING OUTSIDE.
I CAME IN THE HOUSE WET FROM THE RAIN.
HEY, BABY.
HUH-UH, WHY YOU WET?
WHAT'S ALL THIS RIGHT HERE.
>> BABY, IT'S RAINING OUTSIDE.
>> JUST CHECKING.
(LAUGHTER) WHO LIED TO YOU ABOUT THE
WEATHER BEFORE?
WHO TRICKED YOU ABOUT OUTSIDE, BABY?
IT'S JUST OUTSIDE.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ALL THAT.
AGAIN, BEFORE WE WERE DATING, I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES AND HI A GIG
HERE, RIGHT.
SHE WANTED ME TO CALL HER AS SOON AS MY FLIGHT LANDED, YOU
KNOW, FOR THE CHECK-IN.
I DID IT TOO HEY, BABY, I'M IN NEW YORK.
AND I FOUND MYSELF IN THIS WEIRD SECTION WITH ALL THE HUSBANDS
DOING IT.
>> YEP, WE MADE IT, YEP, WE'RE SAFE.
>> CALL FROM YOU THE HOTEL THEN, 45.
TURNING ON LOCATION SERVICES.
(LAUGHTER) THEN SHE GOES YOU IN NEWTYORK.
>> YEAH.
>> HUH-UH BABY, I'M HERE, THEN TAKE A PICTURE WITH THE PAPER.
LATCH (LAUGHTER)
>> WHAT?
>> FIND A NEWSPAPER, TAKE A PICTURE WITH ME TEXT IT TO ME.
I LIKE NEW YORK NEWSPAPERS.
>> DON'T THEY DO THAT WITH KIDNAP VICTIMS?
I NEVER HEARD NOTHING LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE SO I ASKED A MARRIED
DUDES, WOE, WHAT SHOULD I DO.
YOU BETTER FIND A PAPER.
LIKE WE BECAME A TEAM, I DON'T EVEN KNOW THESE DUDES, THEY TOOK
MY CAMERA PHONE, SHOWED ME HOW TO STAND WITH THE PAPER.
(LAUGHTER) ONE DUDE KEPT YELLING POINT AT
THE DATE, POINT AT THE DATE!
(LAUGHTER) THEY TOOK MY PICTURE, I TEXT IT
TO HER, I CALLED HER LIKE IT WAS A NASTY PIQUE, LIKE YO, YOU GET
MY PAGES.
THAT'S ALL ME RIGHT THERE.
YEAH, I GOT T YOU THINK I'M STUPID OR SOMETHING, OWEN?
DO I LOOK LIKE BOOBOO THE FOOL TO YOU, IS THAT WHAT WE ARE
DOING.
"THE NEW YORK TIMES."
I ASKED YOU TO SEN ME A PAPER TO PROVE YOU IN NEW YORK AND YOU
SEND ME A NATIONAL NEWSPAPER?
>> WELL, WHAT YOU WANT?
>> IF YOU REALLY IN NEW YORK, I WANT THE DAILY NEWS.
MARRIED DUDES WENT YO, SHE KNOW HER PERIODICALS.
SO I HAD TO GO BACK IN THE AIRPORT, STAND IN LINE, BUY A
PLANE TICKET TO NEW YORK.
(APPLAUSE) YOU CAN SEE HIM REGULARLY AT THE
WORLD FAMOUS-- OWEN SMITH, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW, EVERYBODY, TUNE IN
TOMORROW WITH MY GUEST LAURIE METCALF AND CARLY FLEISCHMANN,
NOW STICK AROUND FOR JAMES CORDEN WITH TYRA BANKS AND MATT
SMITH.
GOOD NIGHT.
Captioning sponsored by CBS Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org