《科学》 翻译：鼹鼠嫂
《火眼金睛》
—大家好 我是Paul Troxx —我是Eve Pollard - Hello, I'm Paul Troxx. - And I'm Eve Pollard.
今晚我们的话题是 We're looking tonight at the appalling hazards of...
(画面来自《火眼金睛》科学专题 《难道未来不完美？》)
军备竞赛带来的巨大危机 (Both)..irresponsible weapons research.
西伯利亚发生了多起恶性事件 Terrible cases have arisen in Siberia,
化学武器引起了孕妇体内胚胎细胞的发育异常 where weapon chemicals are disrupting embryo organ precursor cells in pregnant women.
胚胎细胞将在日后发育为人体的各部分 Organ precursor cells are the starting points for every part of the body
但受化学影响 它们发育为了同一部分 but they can be chemically switched so they all make the same part.
我们的秘密记者获悉了这桩悲剧 Our undercover crew was shown this tragic case.
一位妇女生了个长着两只脚的睾丸 A woman had given birth to a two-foot testicle.
那个腺体是活的 我们去看时 它被安置在温暖的婴儿床上 The gland was alive when we saw it and being kept warm in a cot.
它没有嘴 所以没法喂食 With no mouth, the doctors knew it could not feed
但它能感到痛 and they were convinced it could feel pain.
医生说它能存活2到3天 We were told it would live for two, perhaps three more days,
期间一直处于痛苦中 all the time in chronic pain.
如果用百分比来衡量 有害的科学能打几分？ On a scale, say, one to 100 per cent, what percentage bad science is that?
哦 百分之百 Oh, 100 per cent.
今晚的《火眼金睛》话题： (Morris) 'Tonight on Brass Eye...
科学是否已走得太远？ has science gone too far?
《火眼金睛》
今晚 科学站上了被告席 Tonight: science in the dock.
科学 你被控行为逾矩 Science, you are accused of going too far,
脏污 污染 毒害 人类的心智 of befouling, pollutement and the intoxifaction of men's minds.
科学丰富了我们对痛苦的认知 Science has increased our understanding of suffering
但这有用么？ but has it really helped?
不久前进行的四肢瘫痪者的实验 结论令人困扰 This recent experiment into quadriplegia produced results that disturb.
我们召集了一组残疾人 We collected together a group of disabled people
摆放了各种家庭陈设 and placed various household objects around,
(利兹大学精神过激学院 Rupert Fripp博士) 其中包括香气四溢的牛肉汁 每人一杯 some with quite tempting aromas, for example, a cup of Bovril, in front of one of them.
我们发现 他们会偷偷地 突然一个动作 What we found was that they would lunge secretly
抓起肉汁 一饮而尽 for the Bovril and quaff it.
我认为他们根本没有瘫痪 只是懒到无法想象 I think they're not disabled at all, they're just incredibly lazy people.
有罪还是无罪？ (Deep voice) 'Innocent or guilty?
(画面来自《时间的盈缺》 BBC 2套 《爱因斯坦的现代骚动》 系列片中一集)
科学家玩弄时间 是对的么？ Is it right for scientists to play with time?
(慢性疯癫专家 Fash Habbard博士) 我们成功让两只老鼠 用一秒完成了生产 We got two mice to give birth to a second.
(时间实验受害者 Suzazee Wooola-Koopuss) 现在回头看 墙上的钟便... And when I looked over, the clock on the wall was...
便太刺眼了 Well, it was throwing up.
有一道美妙的蓝光 照亮天空 There was a wonderful blue light... everywhere.
谁都能看见 Everybody noticed it.
一种像打呵欠那样的感觉 And a sensation like, um, a yawn,
重新回到了 你的体内 going backwards... inside you.
今年6月 此人与世隔离 引爆了两周 In June this year, the same men isolated and blew up a fortnight.
我转身就跑 还是受了重创 我离爆炸点4英里 And I...turned around and - whack - I was four miles down the road,
(时间实验受害者 Greg Enrico)
脸着地躺在一棵小树旁 Iying on my face next to a little tree
跟它相伴了两周 that I hadn't been meant to be next to for about two weeks.
但是科学会为此负责么？ But does science take responsibility?
任何事发生在那两周内 —— 或者外 这取决于你怎么看 Anything that went on in that fortnight, or out of it, depending on how you looked at it,
都是那两周的错 而不是我们 那两周显然质量不好 was that fortnight's fault, not ours. It was simply a bad fortnight.
有罪还是无罪？ Innocent or guilty?
那么人们到底怕不怕科技呢？ So is it any wonder people are afraid of technology?
—科技！ —艾玛！ - Technology! - Oh, my God!
(画面取自《信西速递》 美国“真象视脚”电视台) 当科学变成商品 也许我们能从中受益 And when science is on sale, it may be helping us...
但我们的孩子呢？ but what about our children?
大家好 我是Accelorata Jengold Hi, I'm Accelorata Jengold
我将向大家介绍一种最有效的孕期减重法 and I'd like to tell you about the most effective weight-loss system in pregnancy.
“怀孕是体形的末日” 是女性的悲剧 The figure apocalypse that is pregnancy is a female tragedy
这一难关最终被一个人攻破了 他就是Balb Kubrox博士 that has at last been conquered by one man, Dr Balb Kubrox.
—是吧？ —没错 - Balb? - That's right.
(妇合学专家 子宫质发明人 Balb Kubrox博士)
看这个胎儿 Look at this little guy.
他在用我的 “植入式子宫摇篮” 做运动 He's using my Gynaesium Womb Implant to exercise
为母亲减重 so his mom loses weight.
运动频率 靠化学药物和机械刺激维持 Activity rate is maintained with chemical stimulants and mechanical prods.
我们可以让他每秒运动30下 He can be made to flex 30 times a second.
但这样生出的孩子通常是疯子 But Gynaesium babies are often born snapped.
胎儿运动帮母亲永葆身材 ..foetal exerciser that helps Junior tune ya.
今晚 科学将接受审判 Tonight, science is on trial.
它将被判无罪还是有罪？ Will it be found innocent or guilty?
无罪还是有罪？ Innocent or guilty?
无罪还是有罪？ 无罪还是有罪？ (Speech synthesizer) 'Innocent or guilty? Innocent or guilty?
别打扰我 我正在思考这个问题 Look, leave me alone, I'm trying to work it out, all right?
有益的科学
大家好 我是Tania Bryer Hello, I'm Tania Bryer
我将告诉大家一个节省农场空间的好办法 and I'm here to tell you about a new space-saving farm idea.
看这座典型的普通农场 占用了很多土地是吧？ Look at this typical farm. Uses a lot of land, doesn't it?
现在看这 Now look at this.
这个直立管道农场的栽种能力 完全抵得上300英亩普通农场 It's a vertical tube farm capable of growing exactly the same amount as a 300-acre farm
但只占用1平米土地面积 but on less than one square metre of land.
怎么做到的？ 通过垂直种植庄稼与蔬菜 How? By growing crops and vegetables vertically.
它以最高可达1英里的纵向空间占用 替代了越来越多的土地面积浪费 Up to a mile into the air rather than wastefully taking up more and more land.
当可利用耕地面积不断减少 As available land space is swallowed up,
类似这样简单有效的方法 正是我们所需的 simple, effective ideas like this are just what we need.
当然有人会说它经不起大风 Of course some people say it would be vulnerable in a strong wind
可天知道 哪里有什么大风啊？ but for god's sake, who's to say there's going to be a strong wind?
实践中的有益科学 —— 垂直农场 Vertical farms: good science at work.
两周前 我们发现了一群痛苦挣扎于科学魔爪中的人 Two weeks ago we uncovered a story of grotesque suffering at the hands of medical science.
Ted Maul 深入调查 Ted Maul went in search of those hands
决心将魔爪碾为齑粉 determined to smash their bones out with a little girder.
失败者大街 看看这些无用的人渣 Loser Street - look at all the feckless dregs.
在今天的报道中 您将看到他们尖叫 In this report you'll see them scream.
(Screams)
听到他们的加害者的无耻言论 And hear unpleasant remarks from their persecutors.
—滚蛋！ —你欺负弱者 - Fuck off! - You preyed on losers!
伦敦某小巷 某人 貌似已死 其实不然 A London alley. A body. Looks dead but it isn't.
他宁愿自己死了 It just wishes it was.
有多少止痛剂 我就服多少 I took as many painkillers as I possibly could
(受害者 Aslef Napkyn)
但最终 我发现最好还是以痛制痛 but in the end, it was better to fight pain with pain.
(受害者 Helly Melvick) 我曾尝试用割草机自杀 I tried to kill myself with a lawn mower.
这些人的经历听起来像 《X档案》的情节 What happened to these people sounds like something from the X-Files.
我拿到了500块 I was paid 500 pounds
允许他们在我身上嫁接一条肢体 to have a limb grafted on my body.
这才是触动你的现实 Only this is real and touches you in a way
是当红电视剧所不能及的 that voguish fiction wouldn't begin to understand.
这些并非偶发事件 These aren't isolated cases.
去年 此类案件数大福上升 In the last year, numbers rose dramatically.
保守估计也有1500起 Conservative estimates said 1,500.
通常是这样： It works like this:
你输了钱 走投无路 联系了黑广告 you lose your money, you reply to one of these ads
同意出卖自己的身体 and are persuaded to sell your body
成为给移植诊所栽培器官的廉价场地 to grow extra organs cheaply for transplant clinics.
给我的那笔生意 是在我胸口 种150个嘴唇 The deal that I specifically struck was to grow 150 lips on my chest.
(受害者 Sven Yabbsley)
—价钱？ —6分钱种一个 - (Maul) For? - 6 pence a lip.
他们也会电话交易 They'll even do you a deal on the phone.
我短钱了 赛马输光了 I'm out of wampum, I spazzed it all on a horse.
他们给我500块 用我的肚子种植肩膀 I was offered 500 quid to grow a stomach full of shoulders.
这还不是最糟的 It could have been worse.
当城市分析师Helly Melvick 时运不济时 When city analyst Helly Melvick hit the skids,
她同意只要600块 却得承担一年的痛苦 she agreed to earn just 600 pounds for a year of agony,
让背上种满蛋蛋 growing balls on her back.
那就像有人捅了你一刀 然后 It's like someone sticking a sabre into you and
握着刀在你体内日夜倒腾了6个月 and screwing it around day and night for six months.
天啊 (Maul) Fuck me.
之后 这些器官收获了 高价变卖 The organs are then harvested and sold on for huge profit.
这一恶性的幕后黑手是谁？ Who's behind this wretched usury?
无外乎持有证照的外科医生 Look no further than surgeons by royal appointment,
Hugh Spofforth 和 Paul Godmanchester Hugh Spofforth and Paul Godmanchester,
是伦敦高级诊所 “赏赐诊所” 的医生 at London's top whack quack shack, the Bounty Clinic.
这些混蛋对他们给别人带来的痛苦不屑一顾 These bread-heads don't give a flying kak about the pain they cause.
那他们会如何回应记者的登门拜访呢？ So how would they respond to a foot in the door Hall Baddon stepping?
你们为何毁掉别人的生活？ Why have you messed these people up?
—滚蛋 —你们欺负弱者 - Fuck off. - You preyed on losers.
Spofforth博士 你们欺负弱者 Dr Spofforth, you're preying on losers.
好极了！ Yes!
这位皮条客泄露了一连串高端顾客信息 The personal organiser revealed a chain of rich clients for organs and lens.
唐纳德·特朗普* 移植过的总舌长 超过7英尺 Donald Trump* has received over seven feet of new tongue. (*美国商业大亨 电视名人 作家)
甚至还涉及到萨达姆 Even Saddam Hussein has an access -
他沉迷于白种女人的手腕 he's obsessed with having white lady's wrists.
我们还发现此人体内培育了700多只肝脏 We also discovered this man is incubating over 700 livers.
顺藤摸瓜 我们在他们的办公室装了探头 Scenting blood, we set up surveillance on their office
待鱼落网 and waited till they returned.
我刚爬上了这幢楼 I've just monkeyed my way up the building.
现在要破窗而入 I'm going to smash my way through the window.
—又来啦 你个虱子！ —你没权利... - Come back here, you fucking louse! - You've got no right to...
我有问题要问 I've got a question for you.
对那些爱你的人你也下得了手么？ 你要怎么开口？ What are you gonna do about those people who's loved you? Put apart, what're you gonna say to them?
—镜头对着你！ —哦 是么！ - You're on camera! - Oh, yes!
—这有摄像机 那还有一个 —哦 是么！ 哦 是哦 - There's a camera here and one here. - Oh, yes! Oh, yeah.
你们为什么这么做？ 只是为了钱？ What's you excuse? Was it just the money?
—“只是为了钱？” —只是为了钱？ - "Was it just the money? " - Was it just the money?
—来吧 —别想这么混过去 - Come on. - You don't get to get away with this.
这样没意思 你蒙混不过去 It's not cool to be weird. You won't get away with this.
—来啊 继续 —你在发疯 - Grow up! Go on. - You're just being weird.
那些爬虫也许能逃走 但它们忘了黄金定律 The creeps may have scarpered but they forgot the golden rule.
要从 《火眼金睛》 眼皮底下溜走 If you're gonna jerk with Brass Eye,
就别把你那娘娘腔敞篷车停在门口 don't leave your poncey drop-top roller skate parked outside.
最后再来看看 (Morris) 'What's for pudding?
胚胎研究的恼人进展 Disturbing developments in embryo research.
我们来看下这个 Let's just have a look at this, right?
外表正常 怀了人类胎儿的螃蟹 Normal-looking crab, pregnant with a human foetus.
这样做的目的是什么？ 他们给出什么解释？ What is the point of doing that? What is the argument for it?
我不知道 他们就是让螃蟹体外受精了 I don't know. They just do it with vitro-fertilisational, how you can cultivate foetuses outside the womb
螃蟹有特定的循环系统 可以人工喂养 because the crab has a certain circulation system they can feed it.
但你知道 现代医学的进步 很大程度上 But you know, the only thing is, so much of the improvements in modern society
得益于动物实验 它们帮助太大了 we've been brought about by experiments on animals to health, is so much better.
当然 这么做太过分了 不能容忍 That is outrageous, of course. No, no. Indefensible.
—我们在讨论 是对还是错 —这么做是 错 - We're saying, you know, right or wrong? - Wrong for that.
当我问科学家 谁该对此负责 问他“为什么要这么做？” When we asked the scientist who is responsible for that. I said "Why are you doing that? "
他的回答就 含糊其辞 his reaction was pretty much, kind of... (Speaking mumbo jumbo)
对此您会怎么办？ 您懂的 What do you do when somebody does that? I mean, you know.
—那些人就是这样 —我懂 我懂 - That's the way people are. - I know, I know.
《火眼金睛》 第一节完
《火眼金睛》第二节
有害的科学
大家好 我是Tania Bryer Hello, I'm Tania Bryer,
这次恐怕我带来了一些残酷的事实 this time, I'm afraid, with some unpleasant truths.
看看这天空 是不是好像充满了问题？ Look at the sky. Doesn't look like it's full of problems, does it?
我研究过天气 知道它确实有问题 But I've worked in weather and I know that it is.
我不是说臭氧层 而是云 I'm not talking about ozone here, I'm talking about clouds
云的破坏量近年来激增 because cloud damage is dramatically on the increase.
受工业废气影响 Due to industrial ultrabola carbons,
真正的云被变异云取而代之 true clouds are being replaced by mutant clouds
比如 卷卷云 光环云 梅毒云 Iike cirrus cirrius, jarbo nimbus and ulto-syphilis.
此外 这些云还一反常理 More and more, these are turning upside down
将雨水摄入太空 and injecting their rain upwards into space.
无疑 这让没法登天揽雨的尼日利亚农民欲哭无泪 Needless to say, a Nigerian farmer can't exactly go up there and get it back, can he?
更不幸的是 即使雨水落下了 Tragically, if the water does fall downwards,
它也是三氧水 it can turn into triple water
会在落地时气化 which separates it into gases as it lands,
使树枯萎 将猴致死 blasting trees out of the ground and killing monkeys.
也许受灾最严重的是河流 Perhaps the most disturbing effect is the disruption of rivers.
这是幼发拉底河河水逆流的画面 This is footage of the river Euphrates flowing backwards.
河水看似顺流 It looks like it's flowing forwards
缘于我们倒播了画面 but only because we've reversed the film.
重水严重扰乱了河道系统 Heavy water deeply confuses river flow systems.
上个月刚失踪了2条河 Just last month, two rivers got completely lost
结果发现它们在南冰洋附近闲逛 and were found wandering uselessly about the southern oceans.
很不幸 有害的云 等于 有害的科学 Sadly, bad clouds equals bad science.
那么有害科学的恶劣影响到底范围多广？ So how far has the blight of bad science spread?
据最新消息 According to the latest scandal,
甚至已波及至史上经典的阿波罗登月计划 even as far as science classics like the Apollo moon landing.
来看记者Alabaster Codify 跨过名为“大西洋”的大池塘 而发回的报道 Alabaster Codify reports from across the big pond they call the Atlantic Ocean.
1969年 全世界见证了3位英雄独立进入太空 It's 1969 and the world watches three heroes alone in space.
或许其实有4个人？ 扩音器里叫嚣的那人是谁？ Or was it four? Who is the yelper on this boosted sound tape?
(Incoherent yell)
0836号呜咽声一直被解释为气流声 The 0836 Whimper was originally explained as atmospheric retching
但令人震惊的新证据显示 该声音出自此人： but shocking new evidence suggests the sound was made by this man,
和平帽·强生 所谓的精神病人 Peacecap Johnson, a sub-mental
(由护士摄于1993年12月 俄亥俄州 戴恩县 托马斯·杰斐逊精神病院)
他于上周在生活了27年的精神病院中过世了 who died last week at the asylum where he'd lived for 27 years.
据说在他床底下发现了一盒信件 It's claimed a box of letters found under his bed,
很多来自巴兹·奥尔德林* many from Buzz Aldrin*, (*登月第二人)
证明强生是阿波罗计划中的第四人 prove that Johnson was the fourth man on 11.
我们将采访的人 已退出了阿波罗 From these guys right now, it's no Apoll-a
身为前工作人员的他将质询NASA 要求其给出解释 but an ex-operative defied NASA to tell us que pasa.
强生 代号“睡美人” Johnson, who was codenamed Sleeping Beauty,
(因厌倦NASA而辞职的 阿波罗计划参与者 Ripp Candy)
智商水平很低 was a man of very low intelligence.
他对事物没什么辨别能力 He never really understood what was going on.
强生的工作就是 当随行性工具 (Codify) 'Johnson's job was to act as on-board sex receptacle.
他们将睡美人锁在柜里 并教会他 在宇航员需要释放欲望时 (Candy) 'Sleeping Beauty was trained to present his posterior to a hole in a locker
将菊花呈现在柜上的孔口处 whenever the crew required relief.
从很早以前 变形的太空随行性工具 (Codify) Since the early days, distorted sex drive in orbit
一直就是个棘手问题 has long been a sticky noblem.
在双子座计划*时 约翰·杨奸杀并活吞了2只实验猴 (Candy) 'Onboard Gemini*, John Young raped and ate alive two experimental monkeys. (*阿波罗计划之前的 美国第二个载人航天计划)
用马进行实验 失败了 (Codify) Experiments with horses failed,
女人被认为太傻 不适合太空 women were deemed too silly for space,
那么怎样的男人才能被选中当太空菊花呢？ so what kind of man would be going to be the ass in NASA?
他得 就像一只零瓦的灯泡 (Candy) 'He had to be pretty much a zero-watt bulb.
(1964年 家庭录像画面)
我们着手找人时 发现了这个连续3年当选戴恩县最傻男孩的人 We started looking when we found him winning the Stupidest Boy in the Dane County Fair for a third year running.
(加强版录音设备录下的 0836号呜咽声)
0836号呜咽声 是强生发出的人类的尖叫 (Codify) 'The 0836 Whimper is Johnson's giant squeak for mankind
出自于隐忍已久的柯林斯*之手 at the hands of a frustrated Collins*. (*迈克尔·柯林斯 登月第三人)
他把欲望倾泻在强生身上 He took out his frustration on Johnson.
心理学家管这叫 报复性释放 It's what psychiatrists would call a bully ramming.
与之形成对比 奥尔德林温柔地使用了强生 (Codify) 'By contrast, Aldrin used Johnson gently
他俩间建立起的感情 后来救了强生的命 and they forged a bond that saved Johnson's life.
抛弃美人 重复一遍 抛弃美人 (Controller) Lose Beauty. Repeat, lose Beauty.
当休斯顿指挥中心要求将强生遗弃太空时 奥尔德林拒绝了 When Houston required Johnson to be ejected into space, Aldrin refused.
—必须抛弃美人 —我再说一遍 我不能这么做 - (Controller) 'Apparently Beauty must be lost. - (Aldrin) 'I repeat, I can't do that.
(奥尔德林违抗休斯顿)
(盗自10NN电视台 NASA资料画面) 返回后 强生被扔进了一家疯人院 Once down, Johnson was whisked to a shut-up-and-eat home
在那儿 他的那套月球言论根本没人当真 where his daffy moontalk seemed like any other booby babble.
我要巴兹来 I want Buzz to come back...
用他的大香肠给我擦便便 and clean my dirty with his soapy fish.
宇航员们躲了起来 The astronauts are now in hiding
只愿意发表声明称 随行的是动物 and will only issue statements through an animal.
但奥尔德林的信件让他们的声明不攻自破 But Aldrin's letters make that testimony irrelevant.
信中充满对性的暗示 They abound with muted references to sex acts,
哀伤的文字 透露出连绵未绝的渴望 written in a plaintive tone that suggests a still present yearning.
我是10NN电视台的Alabaster Codify This is Alabaster Codify for 10NN
为您带来巴子巴兹的最新八卦 on the new buzz about Buzz, the bum buzzard.
他确实漫游了银河 还是信口开河？ Did he fly in a rocket or fly up a socket?
有益的科学
大家好 我是Tamara Beckwith 最后来看看有益的科学 Hello, Tamara Beckwith here, at last with some good science.
这是一块光能砖 This is a light-saving brick.
在砖头内部 有无数小盒子 彼此形成反射 nside the brick, there are millions of tiny boxes, mirrored on the inside.
在白天 光线进入这些小盒子并被锁住 During the day, light goes into each tiny box and is trapped,
持续在盒内进行反射 where it remains bouncing around inside.
当黑暗来临 —— 比如夜晚时 When it goes dark - a good example of this is night -
拧动这个旋钮 打开盒子上盖 turning this knob removes the tops of the boxes
光线就被释放出来 and the light leaps out.
这就是光能砖 节省光能 The light-saving brick. It saves light.
怎样才能让有害科学不出来害人？ What can be done to keep bad science at bay?
往往只有一小撮人挑起了这项重任 All too often it's left to the little people.
Austen Tassletine 带来报道 Austen Tassletine reports.
这一小撮人不能再小了 The little people really don't come much littler than this.
他们是“世首对科全团” 他们发起了这场运动 They're called GEFAFWISP and they've launched this campaign
抗议席卷全球的重电恶势力 against the global evil of heavy electricity.
大家好 我是理查德·布赖尔斯* Hello, I'm Richard Briers*. (*英国演员)
我为大家介绍一下“世首对科全团” 以及重电 I want to tell you about GEFAFWISP and heavy electricity.
“世首对科全团” 是世界首个自发对抗科学实践的全球性团体的简称 团如其名 GEFAFWISP is the Global Ensortium For A First World Initiative on Scientific Practice, self-explanatory really.
重电 这个解释起来有点困难 Heavy electricity, now that's a bit trickier.
它由粒子加速器 It's caused by particle accelerators
向民用输电网输入强电流 sending huge jolts of power into domestic power lines.
这使电又返回原始状态 These knock the electricity back into its wild state,
并由于大量电子被击溃 而变重 which is much heavier due to flattened electrons.
所导致的恶果是 大量的重电 The devastating result is that huge masses of heavy electricity
无序地脱离电线 砸落下方 start randomly falling out of wires and crashing onto anything below.
像这样 This gives you some idea.
大致来说 就像是一吨无形的铅水浇了下来 Basically, it's like being hit by a ton of invisible lead soup.
(悲剧)
在斯里兰卡的Upuveli小镇 In the Sri Lankan village of Upuveli,
就在我说话的同时 当地居民正遭受重电之灾 inhabitants are suffering heavy electricity attacks even as I speak.
我们能心安理得地吃着派 任由他们像苍蝇一样 Can we stand around and eat pies while they're flattened like flies,
被一匹无形的疯马 用尾巴拍死么？ 当然不能 swatted by the tail of a mad, invisible horse? Of course not.
我们必须和“世首对科全团”一起 现在就联系斯里兰卡大使馆 You, me and GEFAFWISP must contact the Sri Lankan embassy now
让他们明白这有多卑劣 and let them know just how shoddy this all is.
如果你还在犹豫 闭上眼想想 一个你认识的孩子 If you're in any doubt, just shut your eyes and imagine a child you know
被一吨无形铅水从头浇下 being hit on the head by a ton of invisible lead soup.
无形铅水是什么？ What's invisible lead soup?
非科学界人士帮忙对报告进行了终审 Non-scientific contributors were shown to checked all the facts...
“抖抖病”？ Wobbly matter?
在这紧急噩耗被传递至千家万户前 ..before ramming home the dreadful urgency.
重电通常击中斯里兰卡的牛群 Heavy electricity is regularly flattening cattle in Sri Lanka.
(Nick Owen *英国电视主持人)
然后这些可怜的牲畜就像变成了长毛的鼻涕虫 Afterwards, the poor beasts look like giant, fur-covered slugs
四脚朝天地抽搐 thrashing about on their backs
这被科学家称为 “抖抖病” and made of what scientists call "wobbly matter".
我本不想说 I won't go into it here
但这其实是由被爆菊的电子引起的 but basically it's caused by sodomised electrons,
它们抵达了牛脑的神经末梢 which rush to the cow's head end.
现在 想象受害者是个年轻的人类女孩 Now, just apply that to a young girl human.
很可怕不是么？ Well, it's an appalling thought, isn't it?
Gita今年15岁 Gita is 15 years old
但现在 重电造成了她只有20厘米高 and now because of heavy electricity, she is only eight inches tall.
想象一下那场景 Now, just imagine that.
她不能说 但一定很悲惨 She can't speak but she must feel quite dreadful.
15岁的人 才这点高 15 years old and only, what, this tall.
有时 实体进攻是唯一办法 (Tassletine) 'Sometimes pure physical aggression was the only way.
我来演示一下 Let me show you what's going on.
(史蒂文·伯克夫 *英国演员 编剧 导演)
假设这是Upuveli小镇 Here is Upuveli,
这是村民 牲畜 还有很多儿童 villagers and animals, many small children.
想象一下他们有多软弱 没有外壳保护 Think how soft they are, no exoskeleton,
没有老年村民的角质皮肤 no horny old skin like the village elders.
于是粒子加速器登场 And here is the particle accelerator,
放射出大量不负责任的强电流 firing out huge, irresponsible jolts of power.
重电随时都会引发致命灾难 The heavy electricity can wreak its ghastly havoc at any minute...
从天而降数以吨计的无形铅水 raining down tons of invisible lead soup
但这些铅水还会极具破坏性地四处反弹 but lead soup that can bounce destructively around
就像只 可恶的强力球 Iike a hellish...power ball!
所以准确讲 它介于一吨铅水 与 So, more accurately, it's a cross between a ton of lead soup
一只强力球之间 摧毁 and a power ball, smashing...
牲畜 以及 animals, for example.
摧毁 人类 Smashing...people.
那也许会是你母亲 That could be your mother.
只因为那些该死的混蛋没有尽职尽责 All because these bloody idiots aren't doing their job properly.
那么 该怎么办？ So, what's to be done?
提笔致信斯里兰卡大使馆 Write to the Sri Lankan embassy,
表达你的强烈不满 expressing your acute displeasure.
质问他们将有何感受 Ask them how they'd feel
如果他们的被当头浇了无形铅水 having their brain mashed by invisible lead soup.
您只需拿起笔 在此签字 像我这样 All you have to do is just take a pen and sign it.
您诚挚的 Steven Berkoff Yours sincerely, Steven Berkoff.
解释问题是一回事 解决问题又是另一回事 Explaining the problem is one thing, knowing what to do quite another.
幸运的是 “世首对科全团”有专家做参谋 Luckily, GEFAFWISP had expert advice.
理查德·布兰森* 发售了这些带有他笑脸头像的插座 Richard Branson* has sent out these plugs with his beaming face on them, (*英国大亨 维珍品牌创始人)
(Lynne Fanks *英国著名公共关系学家)
本地民众会用到它 所以一定程度上帮助了宣传 that are being used locally, which can help to a degree.
还有个人 拿着这种巨锤 And there's a man, with this very huge hammer,
敲打管网 以帮助释放电网的部分压力 who's banging away on the pipes trying to relieve some of the pressure going on the grid.
这叫做 敲击式逆电磁反应 It's called percussive counter induction
(Jenny Powell *英国电视主持人)
他已成功将一堵巨型重电墙顶了1小时 and he's already held back a massive wall of heavy electricity for about an hour,
让一些儿童和6头猪得以逃生 allowing some children and six pigs to escape.
看在上帝份上 您也可以这么做 You could do that, for God's sake.
Upuveli民众的疾苦 The squashed people of Upuveli are more important
比你去斯里兰卡挥个几天锤子的不便 重要得多 than the inconvenience of you banging a hammer for a couple of days over in Sri Lanka.
广播总能帮上忙 Public broadcasts always help.
这是一期重电特别节目 (DJ) 'We're doing a special video about heavy electricity...
再加上以敢说闻名的电台主持 “怪咖凯撒” 的支持 And with backing from shock-jock Caeser the Geezer,
“世首对科全团”的运动 注定不会失败了 failure for GEFAFWISP looked absolutely impossible.
大家好 我是凯撒 Hello, my name is Caeser.
悲剧的重电真相是 掌权和执政的那些人 The sad truth about heavy electricity is that people in power and in government
(Caeser the Geezer *原名Chris Rogers 英国电台知名主持人)
在人民需要帮助 困境需要解决时 怕一石激起千层浪 are too afraid to rock the boat when it comes to helping people and helping certain situations.
我要对他们说 “混蛋” I say to that, "Bollocks."
该有人挪一下久坐的胖屁股 站起来办点实事了 It's about time somebody got off their fat arse and did something about it.
知道么 他们告诉我 世上根本没重电这回事 Do you know, they actually say to me there's no such thing as heavy electricity,
电不可能从电线上掉下来 that electricity couldn't possibly fall out of wires.
都是扯淡 What a load of old crap.
更让人气愤的是 And what is even more annoying
他们说 “世首对科全团” 是个虚构的名字 is that they say that GEFAFWISP is a made-up name.
是个神话中的组织 It's a fabulous organisation.
知道么 如果重电从这副耳机里落下 Do you realise that if heavy electricity falls from these headphones,
不只会削掉我的头 还会把我彻底一劈二 not only would it blow my head off but it would cut me completely in half?
如果节目中有人打来电话 他们立即被接进来 不一会儿 If a caller calls me on my show and suddenly they're on the phone, one minute
他们就受到重电波及 and then they're affected by heavy electricity,
可能会被弹出百里外 they could be blown 100 feet away.
这就是重电的危害 That is the dangers of heavy electricity.
如果你是国会议员 或者某权力机构人员 If you are a Member of Parliament or somebody in a powerful organisation
且正在收听我的节目 请听好： and you are listening to me right now, let me say this to you-
我拥有很多电视 广播节目 以及很多观众听众 I have a lot of television shows and a lot of radio shows and a big audience.
如果你不做点什么 就别怪我做点什么了 Do something about it, otherwise I'll do something about it.
很不幸 “世首对科全团” 至今未从斯里兰卡大使馆收到任何回音 Sadly, GEFAFWISP has yet to receive a single reply from the Sri Lankan embassy.
那么陪审团将如何判决科学呢？ So what is the verdict on science?
请起立 判决结果是什么？ Please stand. What is the verdict?
恐怕判不出结果 I'm afraid there is no verdict
因为陪审团成员都被污染害死了 because all the jury have died of pollution.
哦 曾经如此幸福的小东西 Oh, once happy bauble,
挂在愚蠢的极乐枝头 twisting on the bliss twig of ignoramy,
突然有天 你砸中了数学狂人的脑神经 you were suddenly plunged into the braintanglia of rudemath
看看你 带来了怎样惊人的后果 and with what shocking results.
地球已经萎缩成一个令人作呕的空间腺体了么？ Has the earth been reduced to an odious space gland?
我们都对自己做了什么？ Is this what we've done to ourselves?
天啊 真不想看到 Good Christ, I hope not.
晚安 (Sighs) Good night.
我给大家带来一条 “世首对科全团” 的紧急备注 Jenny Powell here, with an urgent GEFAFWISP PS.
英国也可能遭受重电迫害 Great Britain could be struck by heavy electricity too.
顶级科学家现已证明 Top scientists have just proved
6辆被压扁的汽车 和2名被缩矮的儿童 that six flattened cars and two stunted children
这一去年发生在坎布里亚郡的悲剧 是由重电引起的 were caused by a fall of heavy electricity in Cumbria last year.
重电也导致了赫尔韦林山的山峰高度 This also pushed the peak of the big mountain Helvellyn
降到了海拔负25米 25 metres below sea level.
科学家现已算出 一场大规模重电爆发 Now, scientists calculate that a massive outburst of heavy electricity
将会导致英伦三岛全部沉入海底 could just push the British Isles totally under the water.
虽然这一可能性微乎其微 大概5% I should say the chances are negligible, about 20-1,
但依然存在 but the point remains.
如果被言中了 —— 这一假设的可能性很大 If this were to happen, and this is a big if,
那么可以想见 届时 苏格兰地区 then it's conceivable that the north of the country
将会像巨石般向下沉 will tip downwards like a heavy land rock,
然后把英格兰弹到芬兰去 catapulting the southeast towards Finland.
所以请让我们的政府认识到 重电 So please, let our government know that heavy electricity
不该被英国 以及全世界 容忍 will not be tolerated here or anywhere else.
咔！ 结束 很好 Cut! That's it. Perfect.