This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
APPLAUSE
Hello, and welcome to The Big Fat Quiz Of Everything.
That's right - this is the quiz of everything, not just the year,
bloody everything.
Think of it like a pub quiz that started comfort eating.
Let's meet the teams - the king of the chat show and
the queen of the sketch show, it's Jonathan Ross and David Walliams.
APPLAUSE
Next up, representing Canada and Ireland, two of my favourite
countries in the third world, Katherine Ryan and Aisling Bea.
APPLAUSE
Next - they're both incredibly weird, but great mates.
It's like they both found imaginary friends who were actually real.
It's Noel Fielding and Richard Ayoade.
APPLAUSE
Katherine, Aisling, I've got to ask straight away -
talk me through what you're wearing.
- This is a complete accident. We did not plan this at all. - Not at all.
- We just had no time to get dressed this evening. - We're busy.
We're busy women.
That's why we're never on the same panel show, except right now.
Yeah. And we brought two extra bitches, just to even it out.
- That's a real dog? - Yeah. - That's a real dog?
You're not working that with your thumb?
SQUEAKY VOICE: No, I'm not.
How many dogs did you have at the absolute high point of dog mania
- in the Ross household? - Nine.
- Nine? - Nine. - Your house must have smelled like poo all the time.
Well, it smelt like poo already. We got the dogs to disguise it, really.
- And it worked. - Do you let them on the Millennium Falcon with you?
APPLAUSE JIMMY LAUGHS
They're not dogs, they're Wookies, mate.
I can't believe,
if anyone's going to be given a hard time about outfits, it's Jonathan.
And why have you left the tie behind?
- Crazy Jimmy! - What happened?
Because I wanted to appear, sort of, more casual.
Why is exposing your neck more casual?
He's just really proud of his Adam's apple.
Give us a swallow, Jimmy.
It's weird, cos you were saying that,
but it's the sort of thing that David normally says.
Noel, briefly to your outfit,
because people will be tuning in that are...
bemused.
What do you mean?!
Look, I'll show you it in full. It's like... Hold this.
- That's the only way to show it. - It's a swivel.
Spin me, Richard, spin me.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
- My mum used to wear a kaftan on date night with my dad. - Wow.
And she'd wear no bra. Have you got a bra on tonight?
- No. - No.
No bra, sort of sexy, so that's what I think of when I see you in that.
I think of my mum with no bra on.
- Can I ask a question, David? - Yes.
Why were you there on date night,
knowing about your mother wearing no bra and a kaftan?
Because we were sent to bed early,
and we'd know that my mum and dad were planning to...
MOANS UNENTHUSIASTICALLY
And there'd be nuts, and Cinzano would come out,
and that would be their...
It sounds to me like they were inviting other people round as well.
It's a good job my mum will never watch this programme.
Well, my friend up the road, Steve, his mum and dad...
He said they had swingers' parties. I said, "I'm sure they don't".
He said, "They do". This was before we really knew what
swingers' parties were. I said, "How do you know?
"Cos you're never there."
He was always sent away to go and stay with an aunt or something.
He said, "I found the photographs."
- Wow. - And I said, "Where are they?"
- And he showed them to me. - Oh!
And we found the photographs,
and you could see his mum quite clearly in some of the
photographs, which is something I've never fully recovered from.
But the dad, his face wasn't in any of the photographs, and I said,
"How do you know it's your dad?",
and he went, "The socks".
He had his socks on in every photograph, and then,
to prove it to me, he got the socks out of the drawer.
It's a lovely story, isn't it? I mean...
I mean, he gets people in the mood for a lovely quiz, doesn't he?
What about team names?
David, Jonathan, have you got a team name this evening?
Now that Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift have split up,
there's no more Hiddleswift.
Angeline Jolie and Brad Pitt have split up,
there's no more Brangelina.
We thought why don't we put our names together,
like Javid or Dave-athan?
Dave-a... But that sounds like some sort of charity sponsorship thing, doesn't it?
- It does. - That's not so good. - But we could go with it.
I think just call it Walliams.
- Just Walliams. - But that's not the two names together.
It's the W from Woss and Walliams.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
- All right, Walliams. - Good, OK, Walliams.
Katherine, Aisling, what's your team going to be called?
Well, we've kind of combined some of our favourite things.
We know there's only two of us,
two of this particular type of people on the show,
it drums up a lot of controversy,
- so we are calling ourselves the Foreign Twerkers. - Twerkers.
Foreign Twerkers.
- Foreign Twerkers? - Yeah, yeah. - I love it. - Yeah.
We're trying to make people regret Brexit.
And twerking.
Noel, Richard, have you got a name?
Cafe Vape.
LAUGHTER
I don't know if I want to do this. Why would you be called Cafe Vape?
Don't try and analyse it, Jimmy. Just go with it.
- It's... - Mind your own business, Jimmy.
Ours is the business of vaping in a cafe.
What goes on in Cafe Vape stays in Cafe Vape.
Or the other...
Cos I think often we can be overly self-deprecating and hesitant,
so I've thought maybe Humanity's Last Hope.
LAUGHTER
- I think go with Humanity's Last Hope. I like that. - All right. - All right. Your choice, Jimmy.
- Your show. - OK.
So we've got, we've got Walliams...
Foreign Twerkers and Humanity's Last Hope.
LAUGHTER
OK, on with the quiz.
Our first round is all about history, although thankfully not the kind on my internet browser.
In January, 1793, the King of France Louis XVI was beheaded during the
French Revolution, but not before uttering his famous last words.
"Buh."
The sinking of the Titanic in 1912 was a terrible tragedy,
resulting in the deaths of over 1,500 people, but without it we
would never have seen Kate Winslet's boobies, so swings and roundabouts.
Let's get started. Here are some questions.
For our first question,
it's over to fitness guru and body coach Mr Joe Wicks.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Hi, Jimmy.
I'm known for getting people in shape and getting them
burning fat, but if I had a time machine and had to go back
and help one person, it'd be William the Conqueror. Do you know why?
He ate so much food and got so big and heavy,
he couldn't even ride his own horse.
So what terrible diet did he use to get himself back in the saddle?
- Right. - Who's that, all the Bee Gees?
LAUGHTER
That is... That is fitness guru Joe Wicks, or all the Bee Gees.
- OK. Have you all got answers to that first one? - Yes. - OK, great, OK.
As always the children of Mitchell Brook Primary School have put
together a special school play for us.
What big event are they acting out here?
We have made a website.
Now people can listen to lots of songs.
- Free music! - No more CDs! - ALL: Yay!
LOUD FOOTSTEPS
- Give back our songs. - We want our money. - We are telling on you.
GAVEL BANGS
You have been very naughty!
GROUP: Yay!
BOTH: Oh, no!
Oh, well. We can go on the other song websites instead.
ALL: Yay!
LAUGHTER
Beautiful, right?
APPLAUSE
The children of Mitchell Brook Primary there.
So what news story were they acting out? What historical event?
- Can I just confirm that Aisling is stroking a dog? - Oh!
LAUGHTER
I'm having a great show, guys. I'm very relaxed.
This is what I'm stroking. Oh, he's so...
OK, so the 1948 London Olympics was known as the Austerity Games.
The male British athletes had to provide their own kit.
But one sponsor provided them with something else. What was it?
Who was the sponsor?
I think I could probably tell you that without giving it away.
- Who, then? - I think it was Coopers. - Were they involved in horses, Coopers?
- They were not involved in horses. - Are you lying to me? - No.
LAUGHTER
I've crossed out horses.
LAUGHTER
I'd like to see the Austerity Games, but with austerity the
subject matter, so instead people could be, like, wrestling with
the idea that the banks are going to foreclose on your house.
Or, like, the male backstroke could be just a woman stroking her
husband's back going, "Don't worry, Jimmy, it's all going to get easier."
Why did you'd use the word Jimmy?
LAUGHTER
- He was my imagination. - Sometimes I need reassurance.
OK, take a look at this footage of a man hard at work in Bradford in the 1940s.
All I want to know is, what's his job?
SLOW TRUMPET PLAYS
- We have, we've got it. - We've got it, Jimmy. - We've got it. - You've got it?
That was my Saturday job in the '40s.
JIMMY LAUGHS
- You had a job in B&Q. - Oh, I did have... This is a true story.
I got a job and B&Q. They gave... This is true.
They gave me the uniform on the first day and it was red dungarees,
and I went, "There's no way this can happen.
I went home and my mum went, "What are you doing? And I went, "Mum, it was red dungarees."
And she went, "All right, fair enough."
- You used to work in a Hooters, right? - Yeah.
And Hooters is not, like, a titty bar or anything.
Did they sell horns?
It's an owl sanctuary, and...
JIMMY LAUGHS
I opened the first Hooters in the UK. You're welcome!
LAUGHTER
And I got fired from Hooters for writing
"Club sandwiches, not seals" on the lunch board.
True story.
Have you ever been clubbed, Jimmy?
Cos in a dark alley you sound like a seal when you laugh.
LAUGHTER
I couldn't argue with that.
It's a very good point well made, I've got to be very careful.
- He looks a bit like a seal as well. Maybe that's why he's not wearing a tie. - Very smooth. - Yeah.
- Place a ball on his nose and see if it balances. That's how we'll test it. - No, leave me alone!
I'll do it!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
JIMMY LAUGHS
JONATHAN: You see? That's a seal.
He seems very confident that he could place a single ball.
Time for a Say What You See.
- Oh! - OK. - I see a seal.
A lovely slippery seal.
LAUGHTER
Oh, he's made it sound... Oh, no. OK.
So these pictures are spelling out a famous event from history.
Can you guess what the event is?
- Famous event. - A famous event.
- Yes! We've got it! - Yes. - We've got it. - Have you got it though? - Yes.
- Yes, we have, we have. - We've got it, you. - We actually have.
You smooth seal lover.
LAUGHTER
- We've even got it. - You've got it, OK.
I know this now.
OK, right, I've got some answers, are you ready?
- Have we got something? - Yeah.
So, first we heard from Joe Wicks,
who wanted to know what diet William the Conqueror used to lose weight.
- What did you get? - We put Le Atkins.
LAUGHTER
- As it was known in France at the time. Le Atkins diet. - Le Atkins dee-ate.
- You think William the Conqueror invented the Atkins diet? - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah.
- Le Atkins. - OK.
- Katherine, Aisling, a more sensible answer from you? - We...
Yes, we did a more sensible answer, and we did it in English.
Lord Atkins diet.
LAUGHTER
- Yeah. - You think the Atkins as well?
You think he's William the Conqueror Atkins?
It's the only one that works, Jimmy.
LAUGHTER
Noel, Richard, what did you put?
No swans before lunch.
But try and lay off the candyfloss.
LAUGHTER
Well, I can tell you no-one got it.
It's an extraordinary diet that he went on. He actually shunned food.
- He only drank alcohol to lose weight. - Oh! - That was his policy.
Sort of like a modern-day Glaswegian.
You saw the children of Mitchell Brook Primary School act out
- a big event from history. What did you think it was? - Napster. - Napster.
You got Napster. What did you think it was to do with Napster?
Well, it was to do with the free music being given out on Napster.
And then the rock bands banded together and they said,
- "No, we're not having this, we want to be paid." - What band?
- What band was it? - Metallica?
- You're absolutely right. It was Metallica. - Yes! - Katherine, Aisling.
- We knew it was the Napster shutdown. - Napster got shut down.
- OK, Noel, Richard? - There's no jokes here. Move on.
Napster, and then I panicked and drew an eel wearing a top hat.
LAUGHTER
- OK, points all round for that. - Do you remember how exciting Napster was?
Cos I had it very young, and I think I was one of the first people.
And you really thought you were going to go to prison.
And they'd tell you all the time, oh, "Go to prison" in all these adverts,
and none of us ever went to prison, not for that.
LAUGHTER
- That's not exciting. The idea of prison. I would get bummed to death. - LAUGHTER
- That's a nice phrase, isn't it? - No.
LAUGHTER
You're presuming a lot about your attractiveness, aren't you?
"Oh, I would be bummed to death!"
LAUGHTER
"I mean, I just couldn't be sent to prison, my lord. I'll be bummed to death."
LAUGHTER
I mean, you're reasonably att...
On this panel, you're probably the best looking man in a kaftan.
I'll give you that.
It's my favourite thing in America when they always go,
"Oh, my God, when my grandmother died I was just so bummed.
"Everyone in my family was bummed. I was almost bummed to death just..."
LAUGHTER
All right, so it was Napster being sued by Metallica.
You all get points for that.
OK, next I asked you what freebie was given to male athletes at
the 1948 London Olympics.
- What have you all got? - We put gin. - Gin.
- They gave them gin. - A book of gin.
If you had a, sort of, long-running race,
in those days they wouldn't give you water.
You'd have a swig of gin as you ran past.
Cos it was austerity. Water was hard to get, but gin, everywhere.
Gin was very cheap.
Right, OK. Katherine, Aisling, what did you put?
One brazen whore.
LAUGHTER
The dog is now leaving you as a protest.
- Revealing. - He doesn't like your pity. - Noel, Richard?
Starting pistols.
- All the male athletes were given their own starting pistols? - And...
And personal finishing lines so that you could win
a race without getting out of your chair.
Bang, wow.
NOEL FIRES IMAGINARY PISTOL.
- Bang, wow. - Who's won? Who's won?
- You've won. - Daddy's won. - Bang, wow.
Bang, wow.
Personal best in the bag.
That was actually a George Formby song, 'Bang, Wow.'
Bang, wow? Well, I can tell you none of you got it right.
They were actually given Y-fronts. They were each given...
All they got was just a pair of Y-fronts.
The good people of Coopers sponsored the Games.
- Whose legs are they coming in from the left? - The sock guy. - Yes.
It's Steve's dad.
LAUGHTER
JIMMY LAUGHS
What did the women get to wear for the Olympics, Jimmy?
I don't think they got...
I think they had to bring their own uniforms, their own kit,
and then they just...
There was no talk of women's unmentionables,
because they were unmentionable at the time.
No, they weren't allowed to compete in the Olympics.
Let's all just take a moment to check our privilege.
OK.
Katherine, I'm still not allowed to compete in the Olympics.
LAUGHTER
I showed you footage of a man tapping on people's windows.
What do you think his job was?
NOEL: What people don't realise, Jimmy, is that's his finger.
That's how he got that job.
LAUGHTER
Noel, Richard, what did you think?
- Duellist. - Slash pole-vaulter.
Pole-vaulter scout.
Katherine, Aisling, what did you put?
Well, we put, but I spelt it wrong, phantom tickler.
But I wrote heckler.
- Cos I think I was working through some issues. - I'd say both are wrong.
- We didn't know. - Phantom heckler, phantom tickler are both wrong.
- We got it. - We know this one. - It's a knocker-upper.
It used to go round and wake people up in the morning.
They'd tap on the window. "Can you get up, please?
"You need to go to the factory now. Thank you!"
- Was he that camp? - Probably. "Thank you SO much.
"I'll at the factory in ten minutes!"
LAUGHTER
You need to be in the coal mine, dear!"
"All right, dear, I'm coming!"
And that's your Bradford accent, is it?
That's my impression of people who worked in coal mines in
the 1930s, yes, it's very accurate.
LAUGHTER
I thought knocker-upper was, like, someone you bring home to your mother.
You know, like, "Oh, she's a real knocker-upper. I'd get her pregnant, like."
A knocker-upper.
Like one of those guys who, like, just crimples
a bit of plastic by the bed and says he's putting on a condom.
LAUGHTER
I can tell you, Jonathan and David, you got it exactly right.
- It was called a knocker-upper. - Thank you.
- He used to wake people up for shift work. - Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And finally, you saw a Say What You See.
What event in history you think it was?
It was King Edward abdicates.
- Katherine, Aisling? - We got it right as well.
We said King Ed Wood abs jackates.
LAUGHTER
You got Jack Dee, but you went with the Jack, not the Dee?
- Yeah, like, ab jackates. That's good. - Yeah. - OK. Noel, Richard?
Ab jackates sound like you've ejaculated a throne, though.
Which is... Hard on the urethra.
LAUGHTER
- Well, you all get points, points all around there. - Yes!
Yes, it was King Edward abdicates.
APPLAUSE
So at the end of the first round, let's check in on the scores.
Jonathan and David have three, Katherine and Aisling have two,
Noel and Richard have two. Pretty close.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Time for us to take a quick break
so we can let Katherine's dogs outside for a quick pee and a run around.
See you in a bit.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz Of Everything.
This round is all about music.
We'll look back at some of the people responsible for the greatest music in history,
from Mozart to John Lennon,
right up to the bloke who dumped Adele.
GROANS
LAUGHTER
Before he died, Elvis was grossly overweight, refused to diet and had
no regard for his health, or to put it another way,
Elvis was American.
LAUGHTER
- Time for some more questions. - Yes. - OK.
First up, it's over to Channel 4 News,
where our very own anchorman, Jon Snow is reporting on a classic hit.
The Met Office has issued a severe weather warning ahead of
adverse conditions expected from 10.30 tonight.
Forecasters had previously reported rising humidity
and low readings on the barometer,
precipitation is expected to be dark and lean followed by a rough,
tough, strong and mean front moving in from the south.
Sources have indicated that this unusual phenomenon is best
witnessed from the streets,
with lonely women urged to leave their umbrellas at home.
Those unable to go outside are advised to rip off the roof
and stay in bed. Flooding and disruption to travel is expected.
Back to you, Jimmy.
LAUGHTER
- I need the song and the artist. - Got it. Got both. - Got it.
What is the connection between this...
MUSIC: When I'm Cleaning Windows
# Ladies' nighties I have spied
♪ I've often seen what goes inside When I'm cleaning windows. ♪
This...
MUSIC: God Save The Queen
And this.
MUSIC: Love To Love You, Baby
- Yes, we've got it. - We've got it.
- We've got it. - We've got it.
- I worry, though, have you got it? - Yeah, we've got it.
We have got them ALL.
Got it.
In a recent poll,
Life by Des'ree was voted as having the worst lyrics of all time.
The first verse contains these lines...
"I don't want to see a ghost, it's the sight that I fear most".
All I want to know is, what's the next line?
This is hard.
Des'ree actually gave up music just a few years before recording that.
In 2001... This is a question designed for Noel Fielding.
Surely this is the one thing you may know.
In 2001, the band Kiss brought out a range of merchandise,
but which item prompted Gene Simmons to say,
"I love living, but this makes the alternative look pretty damn good."
Is this like Noel's Christmas photo of his family?
Do you know, I've got a real story about Kiss, do you want to know,
- this is true. - What's your true story about Kiss?
When I was seven or six, my mum and dad took me to
a Kiss concert and I dressed up as Gene Simmons
and then the tour manager of Kiss saw me, I was like, this big,
but immaculate costume.
He said, "Oh, my God, Gene has got to see this - he'll absolutely
"love it", so he took me off to meet Gene - obviously it was the '70s,
my mum and dad didn't mind my going off with a total stranger...
I went to Gene's dressing room and he said, "Look, just go in,
"I'll knock on the door and you just go in, it'll absolutely freak him out, he'll love it."
I went in, and there was nobody in there...
I was standing there and then the rest of the band came in and saw me
and just thought that Gene had shrunk.
LAUGHTER
- That's a true story. - Wow.
I know.
Finally, Shaggy released his smash hit It Wasn't Me in the year 2000.
In the song, he gives advice to his friend Mr Rick Rock after he's
been caught by his girlfriend in a number of compromising situations.
Can you name three of the places
Rick Rock was allegedly seen making love?
- Hold on. What is the name of the man we're talking about? - Mr Rick Rock.
So we're talking about where Shaggy made love or Wick Wock made love?
No, Shaggy is just giving advice to his friend...
- Rick Rock's a nightmare for you! - So Shaggy is talking to Wick Wock?
- Rick Rock. - Rick Wock. - Rick Wock.
- Wick Rock. - Wick Wock.
Rik-wok.
LAUGHTER
David, YOU'RE now saying it wrong. Rick Rock.
Wick Wock, yes, I got it!
- You just said Wick Wock! - Who is Rick Rock anyway, I don't even know!
He's Shaggy's friend!
I've never heard of him!
I think it's time Shaggy got some new friends, with better names.
- OK, are you ready for some answers? - Yes, Jimmy.
You saw Jon Snow reporting on a classic dance floor filler -
what was the song?
The Weather Girls, It's Raining Men.
- Yeah. - It's actually my anthem.
- Aisling? - We put, It's Raining Men. - Weather Girls!
What did you think it was, Noel, Richard?
It seems a bit convenient that they were called the Weather Girls.
What do you mean, convenient?
Well, did they come up with a song and then just come up with...
I mean, it doesn't add up. Anyway.
It just smacks of convenience.
We've got It's Raining Men in the corner, look,
but then he's put Frog Chorus, like an absolute lunatic.
Let's go back to Jon Snow to confirm.
# It's gonna start raining men
# It's raining men Hallelujah
# It's raining men Amen
# I'm gonna go out I'm gonna let myself get
# Absolutely soaking wet
# It's raining men Hallelujah
# It's raining men
# Every specimen
# Tall, blonde, dark and lean
♪ Rough and tough and strong and mean. ♪
APPLAUSE
Who's not absolutely soaking wet after that?
LAUGHTER
Just imagine if that's all you were given to wank to.
LAUGHTER
100 years... That would be tough.
When were you given stuff to wank to? When did that happen, David?
"Here are your wanking materials.
"Now, get back in the cave..."
"If that was all you were given to wank to...?!"
It would certainly be a challenge, but I think doable.
LAUGHTER
OK, I asked you, what was the connection between When I'm
Cleaning Windows, God Save the Queen, and Love to Love You, Baby?
Noel, Richard - what do you think?
Thank you with that expectation that we'd be wrong.
- Go on, what have you got? - They were banned. - OK, Katherine, Aisling?
- Well, we had a disagreement. - What did you think?
Aisling thought they were all number ones and I said, "No way,
"they're all about sex".
Right, I mean... George Formby's predates the charts...
Definitely not number one. And then you think sex?
That was so aggressive, Jimmy.
Yeah!
That was the most weirdly aggressive thing.
By the way, there weren't even CHARTS when that came out,
So, like, LOSER.
Er, second point... No-one's even had sex with the Queen.
And like, third point, no.
If you look at Jimmy and George, it looks like you,
but if you look in the back of a spoon.
LAUGHTER
I'm at least right with the sex,
cos George Formby was like, "Oh, I'm looking in your windows, seen
"your knickers, oh, I'm so charming because I've got a tiny guitar."
- He's not a Cockney! - Is he not? - He was from up north. - Is he?
- And, second, it's a ukulele. - Yeah, second point, actually.
I hate you guys.
- Whoa! - Wahey! - Back off!
What's going on? No-one cares!
We're all united, here. We're all one.
We all have problems expressing intimacy.
We all find it hard to be vulnerable. Let's work as a team.
Do you want a go on the puppy, Richard?
- I would like a go on the puppy. - Ahhh!
- Oh, my God. - A "go" on the puppy?!
I didn't want to challenge her use of language there.
- Now, what's this one? - It's Megan.
- Megan. - Hello, Megan.
No, that's not Jimmy, that's George.
The charts weren't even invented when George...
LAUGHTER
Jonathan, David, what did you have?
- We put they were all banned. - Banned.
OK, well, I can tell you that Noel and Richard and Jonathan and David, you got it absolutely right.
They were all banned by the BBC.
APPLAUSE
In 1936, they banned When I'm Cleaning Windows,
because of the lyrics, they thought they were smutty -
"Ladies' nighties I have spied, I've often seen what goes inside".
Just, I mean, WAY too much for the radio.
God Save the Queen was banned in 1977 for gross bad taste,
for criticising the monarch.
Because presumably, the BBC thought it was 1677.
Love to Love You, Baby was banned in 1975
for its 23 seconds of orgasm because I think
the BBC were suspicious that Donna Summer was faking it.
But Love to Love You, Baby is like a 16-minute-long song,
so it's absolutely not a sexual song,
because the men I date would be finished by then and texting me
from an Uber, which they would be driving...
I asked you, in Des'ree's classic song Life, what followed the lyric,
"I don't want to see a ghost, it's the sight that I fear most."
OK, ladies, what have we got?
# I'd rather have a piece of toast and watch the evening news
♪ Life, oh, life, oh, life. ♪
LAUGHTER
I didn't know you couldn't sing!
LAUGHTER
- Are they the lyrics? - Yes!
They're so shit!
Noel, Richard - what did you think it was?
I can't imagine a world where someone could write something
that bad, so I put, "I'm calling to Scooby-Doo or Scrappy Doo".
- OK, it doesn't even rhyme. - Better!
- Jonathan, David? - We wrote this as a joke.
I would like some toast, not knowing,
but is that indeed the lyric?
OK, let's take a look. Treat yourselves, everyone. Good luck.
# I don't want to see a ghost
# It's the sight that I fear most
# I'd rather have a piece of toast
♪ Watch the evening news. ♪
# Life, oh, life!
# Oh, life...
♪ Oh, life! ♪
That's incredible.
So points to Katherine and Aisling and points to Jonathan and David.
- Thank you. - We guessed that.
No points to you.
OK, I asked you what unusual item of merchandise was brought out
by Kiss in 2001.
What did you think it was?
Oh, my God, Noel!
- Was it not a range of coffins? - Well, it WAS
the Kiss Casket, but you've even spelt it with the same K they spelt it with.
Well, obviously, if you're Kiss,
they'd HAVE to spell it with a K. I mean...
Everything is spelt with a K, it's the brand.
Katherine, Aisling, what did you get?
Katherine thought of it, but I wrote down guns.
You thought it was Kiss guns?
- David, Jonathan, what did you think? - We put Koffin with a K.
Well, it was the Kiss Kasket - take a look.
- It's pretty cool. - Oh, yeah.
So, Kiss Koffins, you get a point, Koffins you get a point, you get no point for gun.
Kiss didn't bring out a gun - yet.
OK, lastly, I asked if you could list any of the places Rick Rock
was seen making love in Shaggy's hit song It Wasn't Me?
What do you think?
Kitchen, bathroom, Bradford.
LAUGHTER
That's a hell of a shock.
- OK - Katherine, Aisling? - We got them all.
- She caught me kissing on the sofa. - It wasn't me.
- Caught me kissing in the shower. - It wasn't me.
Even got me in the bedroom.
- Wasn't me. - Even something in the shower.
LAUGHTER
I mean, you got more than enough there.
- Beautifully delivered, might I say. - Singing is a beautiful thing.
In a cargo bay, in a wind tunnel, in a tiger's cornea...
..in Waitrose.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Say what you want about that answer - it's not correct,
but those are the guys you want writing the lyrics. That is...
- Thank you. - Let's have a listen.
- # But she caught me on the counter - It wasn't me
- # Saw me banging on the sofa - It wasn't me
- # I even had her in the shower - It wasn't me
- # She even caught me on camera - It wasn't me. #
OK, time now for a special bonus round.
I'm going to show you three classic album covers,
all have been subtly improved.
Can you tell me what the albums are?
OK, so here's the first one.
The first album cover...
Name that album.
- Oh, this is the worst... - And the next one.
Oh, yes.
That furrowed brow.
And the third one is...
LAUGHTER
You look like Hitler on dress-down Fridays.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
- OK, have you all got three answers? - Yes.
Well, let's have a look - Jonathan, David? What did you get?
We thought Blink 182, but I don't know what the album's called.
I think you would probably get points just for Blink 182.
Katherine, actually, did you get...?
The album is Blink 182, What's My Name Again?
Er, no!
- All The Small Things! - You can have Blink 182.
Is it All The Small Things?
The album is actually called Enema Of The State.
- Enema Of The State, great pun. - Now it makes sense. - OK, next one.
- Did you all get the next one? - Yeah.
- Adele, 21. - You put, Katherine, Aisling...?
Adele, 23.
There isn't an Adele, 23.
Noel, what did you answer?
But Seriously, by Adele.
It does kind of look like that, doesn't it?
No Jacket Required, by Adele.
This looks like an advert for impotence.
Well, I can tell you the second was me as Adele, 21.
And the last one there...
Simon and Garfunkel, Bridge Over Troubled Water.
Was it, now, or was it...
Bummed to Death!
Yeah!
Only thing better than that answer is how pleased you are with that answer. What did you get, Noel,
- Richard? - I put Troubled Waters.
It's me and Jonathan as Simon and Garfunkel.
Bridge Over Troubled Water.
Well, I can tell you, Jonathan, David, you got all three right,
Katherine, Aisling, you got two, and Noel and Richard, you got all three.
APPLAUSE
So, at the end of that round, the scores are...
Katherine and Aisling
in last place with seven,
Noel and Richard with eight,
Jonathan and David with ten.
CHEERING
Join us after the break when we'll all be a little bit closer to death.
Don't miss it!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz Of Everything.
Our next round is all about film and TV, so whether you like watching
pirated films or illegally streaming TV shows, this round is for you.
Lord Of The Rings fans recently
voted Gollum their favourite ever character.
Gaunt, pale and hermit-like
they may be, but those fans love Gollum.
Time for some questions about film and TV.
Have a look at this clip of the BBC show Pebble Mill in 1973,
featuring a state-of-the-art demonstration from the
Doctor Who special-effects team. Check it out.
The Pebble Mill At One special-effects department
isn't doing too well at the moment over there, but outside,
I think we can use one of your monsters again right now to
hopefully walk straight through that pane of glass.
Here he goes.
Oh!
Jimmy, that's you going to work.
OK, so, well, you saw there a Cyberman.
Well, we saw an out-of-work actor in a suit.
OK, you saw an out-of-work actor... No, you saw a Cyberman...
Jimmy in tinfoil.
You saw me in tinfoil.
Apart from the Cybermen and the Daleks,
can you name one other enemy of Doctor Who?
Easy! I can name ten!
- Name ten, then. Great. - The weather. - I've never seen Doctor Who.
The weather. Move it along. Go. Come on, tinfoil man, let's do this.
I'm going back to sleep.
I love Doctor Who in my house,
because it's so easy to explain to my daughter how people regenerate.
Like, "Mommy, how do they...?" "Oh, you know how sometimes Mommy's
"boyfriend was Dave and all of a sudden it's Nathan?"
OK, classic horror movie Scream was released in 1996, and it laid out
three things you should never do if you want to survive a horror movie.
What were they? You've got to write them down.
Three things that you must never do in a horror film.
To survive the horror film, there are three things you must never do.
I'm imagining he's going to know this.
Sure. It's in a film. He's bound to know. OK.
The BBC's Nationwide programme regularly gave
a platform to uniquely talented people.
In 1974, Tony McCabe demonstrated a technique he claimed allowed
him to jump on hen's eggs and human noses without breaking them.
What was that technique?
- I know the answer to this! - What is it?
OK, next question.
In the eighties and nineties, one of Arnold Schwarzenegger's
trademarks was his quips when killing bad guys.
Have a look at Arnie in one of his most iconic roles as
he brutally gets rid of a baddie in this exciting scene from Commando.
- What I want to know is what's Arnie's next line? - Oh!
John, I'm not going to shoot you between the eyes.
I'm going to shoot you between the balls!
Living with Arnold Schwarzenegger, I'm sure it'd be terrible,
but if he had to break bad news, it would be, "Kids, the dog is dead,"
and you wouldn't know whether it was meant to be a joke or not.
"Jimmy, no-one loves you." You know what I mean? It'd be hard.
Yeah.
OK, have a look at this jaunty little musical number sung by
the one and only Tony Monopoly. What TV event is he introducing?
# Girls, girls, girls Girls, Girls, girls
# Girls, girls, girls Girls, girls, girls
# Dressed yellow, red, black or white
# Add a little bit of moonlight
# For this intercontinental romance
# Shy girls, sexy girls
# They all love that fancy world
# Champagne, a gentle song and a slow dance
# Who makes it fun to spend your money?
# Who calls you honey most every day?
♪ Girls, girls, girls... ♪
So, I'd like to know what that minicab driver is singing about.
You didn't know who Tony Monopoly was, did you, Noel?
Did anyone in the room?
The sad thing is that years later he got in trouble and
he was sent to jail, and he wasn't allowed to collect £200.
Couldn't pass Go.
- That is... - JONATHAN LAUGHS
That is an awful thing to happen to someone called Monopoly,
- because of the board game. - What a coincidence.
Because if he hadn't been called Monopoly, I don't think it
would have stung half as much as it must have.
- That's the real sentence. - If he was Tony Connect-Four or Barry Ludo...
- OK. Right, are you ready for some answers? - Yes, Jimmy. - OK.
Aside from the Daleks and the Cybermen, I asked you
could you name one other terrifying Doctor Who enemy.
What have you gone for, Katherine?
We were torn between credibility and vaginas.
- The enemy of Doctor Who is vaginas? - Yeah.
Cos, like, I've never slept with anyone who went to
a convention for anything.
I also would like to see the props department just get two bits
of ham and be like...
"Oh, no, it's a vagina! Let's change over to the next actor."
I don't know how it goes.
- OK, Noel, Richard, what have you put? - The weather.
The enemy of Doctor Who is the weather?
- Yeah. - Also time and himself.
OK, so Katherine, Aisling, no points, Noel, Richard, no points.
Jonathan, David, what did you put?
- Sontarans. - Yes. - The Master. - The Ice Monsters. - The Weng-Chiang.
- The Weeping Angels. Sea Devils. - The Rani.
Er, the giant robots, dinosaur invasion.
So you could just say dinosaurs.
They are all correct, nerds.
You get a point for all of those answers.
No, we get bonus points,
cos you said we could write as many as we could, and we wrote a lot.
- We actually ran out of space. - One point.
Fuck you.
OK. So, I asked you, what were the three things you should never do,
according to Scream, if you want to survive in a horror movie.
- What have you got? - Don't have sex. - Don't have sex is one of them.
Don't go out in the dark and don't scream.
OK, you got one out of three there. Katherine and Aisling?
We think we have it.
So, run upstairs, have sex and answer the phone.
No. Well, one. Have sex is the first one.
Oh, not answer the phone, cos everyone who dies, you know,
"Hello?" "Do you like scary movies?" And then they always end up dying.
It's not one of the rules. Noel, Richard?
- Go for it. - Garden. - Boom!
- Make a citizen's arrest. - Boom.
You don't have time in a slasher film to make an...
You've got to save yourself.
Disobey Newton's Laws.
You couldn't help yourself, could you?
The only question we could have got right, and you've got to make jokes.
So, one of them is saying, "I'll be right back."
- That is correct. - Have sex. - That is correct. - The other one I don't know.
It might be garden.
So, you got one point, you got one point, you get two points for that.
The actual rules were never have sex, never drink or do drugs,
and never say, "I'll be right back."
- Yeah, we got that. - I should have known that.
Useful if you want to survive a horror movie.
OK, I asked you how Tony McCabe was able to stand on
a hen's egg and human noses without breaking them. What did you put?
No, you said jump, and I put, "He never landed."
- That is sort of correct. I will give you a point for that. - Thank you.
- Yes! - What did you guys put? - We put he kind of barely touched them,
he sort of tiptoes over them but doesn't really land on them.
- He sort of jumps and then... - And what did you...?
We put, "Boil them."
- Did you think he boiled the eggs and then he was fine, was he? - Yeah.
Well, take a look. Take a look at this incredible man in action.
We bring you the unique Mr Tony McCabe, a man who claims
he can jump on hen's eggs and human noses without breaking them.
Now the legs come in?
Yeah.
I'm going too high.
- There. I felt it click. Oh, there we are. - That's it, is it?
- Oh, yeah, I felt it click, yes. - Oh, that is the jumping on the eggs?
Oh, yes, it's definitely been jumped on.
Did he put those two eggs in a stick of dynamite?
Oh, yeah, a bit more dangerous. So, who got that?
I'm going to give a point to Noel and Richard there. He never lands.
- Hang on, that was tiptoes. - And tiptoes, yeah.
So points, points, no points. OK.
I asked you how Arnie responded to the death of a bad guy in Commando.
What do you think he said?
- "Let off some steam." - "You want to let off some steam."
Well, that would be a very callous thing to say.
- Katherine, Aisling, what did...? - Same.
"That's one way to let off steam."
OK. And, Noel, Richard?
"Pipe down."
- "Pipe down" is good, yeah. - And "Don't exhaust yourself."
APPLAUSE
They're both...! I mean...
Take a look.
Let off some steam, Bennett.
Even though they got the answer technically incorrect, could I
suggest that maybe you offer a bonus point to Richard and Noel if
Richard would give us his Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation?
I mean, I think it's a fine idea.
We can trick him into doing it and then not give him the point.
I mean, you do know I can hear?
You want me to say the pipe...
- Please, but in the Schwarzenegger voice. - "Pipe down."
- "Don't exhaust yourself." - Yes!
That is very good. APPLAUSE
So points to Jonathan and David, points to Katherine and Aisling.
And finally, we had a look at a jaunty little song called
Girls Girls Girls. I wanted to know what event it was introducing.
- What did you put? - I thought Miss Great Britain, and I wrote that,
and then Jonathan said Cheltenham.
- That looks like the races, like Cheltenham. - They're at the seaside.
Yeah, but isn't that by the seaside? I thought it was a dolphin race.
So I think it's Miss Great Britain.
OK, Miss Great Britain. Katherine, Aisling?
We didn't know, so we just put Love Island 1971.
O...OK. Erm, and...
I panicked.
- I've got to say I panicked. - And what did you go for?
Robot Wars.
I can tell you the answer was... It was...
It was Miss Great Britain 1980, held in Morecambe. Well done, David.
APPLAUSE
Time for a quick bonus round.
We've taken movie reviews from Amazon written by the public.
All you need to do is listen carefully and see if you can
work out what films these armchair critics are describing.
And in case it helps, we've got one of our most distinguished actors,
Charles Dance, to read them out. Here's the first one.
Which penguin was Morgan Freeman supposed to be?
None of the penguins sounded like Morgan Freeman.
His voice was everywhere!
My son Daniel asked me if he was trapped in the ice below.
What was I supposed to tell the kid?
I said, "Yes," and we had a good cry together.
One star.
What film was being reviewed there? OK, write that down.
- All right. What are your answers? Let's have a look. - Happy Feet?
- You thought Morgan Freeman was doing the voice in Happy Feet. - Yes.
But he did it so well,
you couldn't tell it was him, so they were confused.
You think the kid was crying in...? Wasn't happy about Happy Feet?
OK, they mentioned penguins, so we thought Happy Feet, OK?
You've already got the answer, so don't look so smug.
You wouldn't know these answers if you sat here.
- Katherine, Aisling? - We're pretty confident we got it right.
It's March Of The Penguins.
March Of The Penguins. OK. Noel, Richard?
Shawshank Redemption.
It's a joke. We have put March Of The Penguins.
Well, let's have a look. It was of course March Of The Penguins.
APPLAUSE
You've got to listen very carefully to this one. Take a look.
I've got a 42-inch Panasonic LCD TV with Blu-ray, and it's the business.
I don't expect to have to watch black-and-white films on it.
It's not 1978.
Save up and buy a colour camera, Mr Spielberg, you moron.
Then perhaps people will watch your stupid films.
One star.
Charles Dance is just killing it, isn't he?
OK, so what film was being reviewed there?
- Schlinder... Schlindler's List. - Write down...
You don't say it like that!
- Write down the answers. - Schindler's List.
You know how the game works, right? You write down the answers.
You just asked us! And I'm telling you.
Well, I've asked for all the questions,
- then you write them down and then we go through them. - Schindler's List.
It's like we're watching your audition tape,
the one before Liam Neeson went in.
"David, great to get you in the room.
"You just really need to say the list right. So just go again."
- Schlingered List. - "OK. We're going to have you in the background."
I can't spell it, either, but it's Schlindler's List.
OK. Let's have a look and see what you got.
- Jonathan, David, what have you got? - BOTH: Schlinder's List.
- OK. Katherine, Aisling? - Well, we also put Schindler's List.
- OK and, Noel, Richard? - Yeah.
If he'd stayed on for a bit, he would have seen some red.
Well, I can tell you the answer is Schindler's List. Points all round.
APPLAUSE
OK, final one of these.
There were no wolves in this movie.
One star.
It's so good! Someone said, "I'd better go to the internet.
"I'd better review this one.
"No bloody wolves in it. One star."
- We've got it. - You've got it. OK. Noel, Richard?
Dances With Wolves.
There ARE wolves in Dances With Wolves.
Neither of us had seen it, and we imagined that there weren't...
Wolf costumes, maybe, but not wolves.
Is that the Kevin Costner vehicle where he dances with a wolf?
- But does he dance with them? - Does he?
Cos if there's no dancing, one star.
- Katherine, Aisling? - We've put Wolf Of Wall Street and not, underneath,
Dances With Wolves.
- Oh, you definitely weren't hedging your bets there. - No!
We wanted to reiterate how much we didn't think it was that.
And we drew a picture of a wolf.
OK. Jonathan, David?
We also went with Wolf Of Wall Street.
Well, I can tell you the answer is...Wolf Of Wall Street.
APPLAUSE Points...
A point, I guess. No points.
Let's take a look at the scores.
OK, Jonathan and David have 17, Katherine and Aisling have 12,
- Noel and Richard have 13. - JONATHAN: Yes! We're doing this!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Join us after the break,
because your plans for the evening have clearly fallen through.
See you in five. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the Big Fat Quiz Of Everything.
Our next round is all about people.
Here's a recap of some of history's most important movers and shakers.
Lance Armstrong was the world's greatest cyclist.
He won the Tour De France an incredible seven times
but was stripped of the titles following a doping scandal.
It wasn't that he'd just been taking drugs - he was also peddling.
Al Capone was a notorious American gangster and criminal mastermind,
but he was eventually sent to prison for tax evasion.
He really should have had a word with my guy.
APPLAUSE
No.
Fine?
Aged 18, Joan of Arc led an army in a military campaign
to drive the English out of France.
Now that is what I call a gap year.
That Is What I Call A Gap Year is a bad album.
A lot of Dodgy on it, Kula Shaker, you know the drill.
OK, are you ready for more questions? Of course you are.
Right, first up, it's over to the second best host of Countdown,
Mr Nick Hewer.
Hi, Jimmy. When it comes to selling,
I've got a few tips having been in PR for about 1,000 years.
But I have to doth my cap to the ladies of
Rylestone Women's Institute,
who, way back in 1999, took part in one of the most amazing,
successful publicity stunts of all time.
Can your teams remember what they got up to?
- Oh, yeah. - So what publicity stunt were the ladies of
Rylestone Women's Institute involved in?
- Got it. - OK.
Right, next question. It's over to the one and only Joey Essex,
who's trying to wrap his brain
round the life and work of an international icon.
Who on earth is he talking about?
He looks like a bit of a geek,
fashion-y, scientist.
He's got ridiculous white hair,
like the colour of snow.
If this guy walked into the Sugar Hut looking like that,
I reckon he'd get rated.
Tomato soup?
To me, that's not art.
That's more...
emoji art.
An actress.
She looks like an Oompa Loompa,
but like a pink version instead of orange.
I'm trying to think of her name.
Is it Britney Spears?
Marilyn Munroe?
Perfect.
I have heard of Pop Art, for some reason,
unless I'm thinking of Pop Tarts.
This guy claims that, in the future,
everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.
It's not true.
I've not even been famous for 15 minutes.
Or have I?
- What was the question? - What are we meant to be doing?
- I got confused. - You got confused?
Poor Joey. He was talking about an icon of the 20th century.
Who was he talking about?
OK. What do you think?
For a minute I had it and it's gone.
But... And then you...
- Oh, yes. - Yes, or... - I gave it to him.
Why did this mean receive over two billion phone calls?
Wow.
Oh! I've got it!
It sounds like it might be contagious. Erm...
Nobody's got a phone like that anymore.
- Ah, yes! - We are on a roll.
We are on an absolute roll.
- I gave you the second one. Get lost! - He's not...
- Would you like us to give you this one? - Yeah, please. - We can't.
OK. Author Salman Rushdie spent over nine years in hiding in the '90s,
but what form of entertainment did he say helped him through?
Tetris.
What form...?
What form of entertainment? Is it?
Let's just... I don't know.
It feels right.
Go with your spirit.
And finally,
which iconic character is this?
Oh, my God!
Holy shit! Noel!
Why has he got a thesaurus on his head?
The cup's good though, isn't it?
All right, everyone finished? Everyone got something?
- We've got them all. - Excellent.
OK, so Nick Hewer asked you what publicity stunt the ladies of
Rylestone Women's Institute were famous for?
- Did you get this? - Yes. - Yes. - Yes.
- They pumped up the jam. - Pump it up.
They make jam.
The Women's Institute.
The make jam? And that was their publicity stunt, they made some jam?
- Yeah! - Loads of jam.
OK, Noel, Richard, what did you go for?
Human pyramid.
- Er... - We know. - They're on it now.
It was a naked human pyramid
and then someone drove a motorcycle through the arch.
Jonathan, David.
Calendar girls.
They were the calendar girls and, for a bonus point,
who has written the new musical about the calendar girls?
- Bonus point. - Gary Barlow.
- Bonus point. - Thank you.
I mean, they started a trend.
Other people did it.
The Stony Stratford Bowling Club did it.
- Ooh. - Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Go on, girl, get involved.
The Portsmouth Inland Revenue did it.
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah!
And London cabbies.
Woo!
God, Uber hit them pretty hard, didn't it?
OK, OK. You got that absolutely right.
That was the original calendar girls.
OK, you saw Joey Essex learning about an internationally famous icon.
Who do you think it was?
- Warhol. - You think Warhol? You think...?
Warhol instead of hole.
Look, in good conscience,
I think we need to admit that we put something else down first.
- No, no. We thought of... - David, David, David. - Andy Warhol.
- And what did you put down first? - What did we put down first?
We put down Einstein and we crossed that out,
- and we wrote Warhol. - Why did we...? Why did we change our mind, David?
Because Noel Fielding told us the answer.
WOMAN GASPS
See? He knows about Gary Barlow, I know about Warhol,
that's how it works.
I'm an art student, he's a twat.
LAUGHTER
OK, well, it was... It was Andy Warhol.
- Points-all round. - OK, good.
I asked you why this man received over two billion phone calls.
- David Walliams. - He was the speaking clock.
ALL: Oh...!
The voice of the speaking clock.
He didn't actually take all those calls - it was a recorded voice.
You looked very close, Katherine. What did you...?
Jonathan did help by miming it to us.
I was going watch and I was going speaking. Watch. Speaking.
What we wrote down was...
We apologise to the viewers at home for this.
- Did you write "Jonathan's wrist"? - We wrote "talking cock".
- Because it was Jonathan speaking. - Yeah.
- Noel, Richard? - Yeah, speaking clock.
Speaking clock. You're absolutely right.
No points for you.
I asked you how Salman Rushdie kept himself entertained during
his time in hiding. What did you put?
Did he watch The Weakest Link a lot?
He loved Ann Robinson and he couldn't tear himself away.
He watched The Weakest Link.
And he really wanted to be on the celebrity one,
- but he was in hiding for writing that naughty book. - Couldn't do it.
Jonathan, David, you've gone for The Weakest Link.
It's not The Weakest Link.
Katherine, Aisling, what did you think?
Well, we just looked at him and we figured that
he was watching Harry Potter a lot.
- In the '90s? Before it came out? OK. - Yeah.
Noel, Richard?
Mini golf, Tetris.
Kickboxing.
Well, you were very close with Tetris.
Take a look at the man himself.
I've become a master of the Nintendo machine.
I think I've become very good at defeating all sorts of tiny
little two-dimensional enemies...
by jumping on them, stomping them into oblivion...
or knocking them over from underneath,
and unleashing fireballs at them,
or all the other gifts and powers that one acquires
when one adopts the role of...
of one of the Mario Bros.
He's taken all the fun out of that.
I can understand why it took him ten years to apologise
cos he speaks slooowly.
He does.
OK, so it was Mario Bros.
He was playing Mario Bros.
It's a good game.
OK, so no points for anyone on that one.
Finally, I asked you - who is this?
Ronald McDonald.
The original.
- The original Ronald McDonald. - Yes!
What do you think, Katherine, Aisling?
We put Bozo, the famous cup sniffer!
We didn't know.
It's an excellent guess.
Imagine if that had been right. What did you put?
- We thought it was... - We thought it was something to do with opera.
- Like Paganini. - We wrote Paganini. - Crying clown.
I know who he is!
We wished we'd visited a McDonald's recently
because we think they're right.
It was the first incarnation of Ronald McDonald,
before the decided it might be an idea to make him
a little bit less...
completely fucking terrifying.
Time for a quick bonus round.
Have a look under your desks.
You'll each find an item of clothing once worn by a celebrity.
All I want to know is - who wore what?
So if you could all put these on...
- OK, so you've got to put on your... - I already know mine.
If you pop these on.
You've got to name all six.
I've never felt more alive, Jimmy.
It's a great look.
Richard, that is only half your costume.
We've got the other half to come in.
Could we bring in the other half of Richard's costume?
- AUDIENCE: Ooh! - That goes on his...
Wait a second, wait a second.
Come on.
Yeah, pop it on his shoulders there.
Are you having a fucking laugh?
Oh, wow. It's squeezing. It's squeezing in.
It's definitely a man-killer.
OK, so you've got to write down who wore what.
Quick as you like.
Quick...as you like.
OK, time is a factor here because Richard has got about four minutes.
Hey...
What's everyone wearing?
CHATTER
- Katherine? - Yeah?
Could you come round the front? Cos we haven't seen your costume.
OK... I didn't even spell that right.
Jimmy, can I be excused from writing this round?
Don't do that near the snake!
I mean, it's exceptional.
It's going down, it's going down, it's still going down.
Snake's going down.
Katherine, will you stay still?
OK, do you want me to take the snake for a second
while you...? While you write down?
Cos you've got to write down some answers.
- Noel, can you...? - Er...I'm not sure.
Why is it the colour of lemon meringue?
It's... That's it's diet - that's what it eats.
- OK. - A lot of lemon meringue.
All right, that's fine. I've got him.
Don't let Aisling near him. Aisling's dressed like meat.
Oh, yeah. He'll try and eat me.
So I want to know what everyone's wearing.
Oh, God!
Look at George Of The Jungle!
OK, so what's...? What's everyone wearing?
It's not a tie, Jimmy.
APPLAUSE
No.
N...no. No, no, no, no, no!
The waistcoat. The waistcoat.
Hang on.
I might need... I mean, that's genuinely scary.
Let's take a look at your answers.
So I asked you what everyone was wearing.
Jonathan, David, what did you get?
- OK... - We got Madonna wearing the pink thing. - Bjork.
Shia LaBouf. MC Hammer.
Lady Gaga. Britney Spears.
OK. Katherine, Aisling.
- Yeah. - They said the same.
Did you? OK, Britney, Shia LaBouf, Gaga,
MC Hammer, Bjork, Madonna.
And then Lady Gaga, Bjork, Madonna...
- How slow are you reading? - ..Britney...
- The snake is moving. - ..MC Hammer...
- Richard? - Yeah.
If you, you know, I'll make sure your kids are alright.
OK. Let's get rid of the snake.
Points all-round!
Yay!
So let's have a look and see how they're meant to look.
I can tell you Jonathan is wearing Madonna's conical bra
from her 1990 Blonde Ambition Tour.
David is wearing the swan dress Bjork wore at the 2001 Oscars.
Katherine is wearing MC Hammer's trousers
from the '90s classic You Can't Touch This.
Aisling has got Lady Gaga's 2010 Video Music Awards meat dress on.
Noel is wearing the paper bag Shia LaBouf sported
at the 2014 Berlin Film Festival.
And, of course, Richard is wearing Britney Spears'
2001 VMA's outfit, complete with an albino Burmese python.
OK, let's take a look and see what that's done to the scores.
So, in last place, we've got Katherine and Aisling with 19 points.
Noel and Richard are beating you with 22.
- But, in the lead, Jonathan and David with 26! - Come on, come on.
Join us after the break when, hopefully,
Richard will have put away his snake. See you in a few minutes.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz Of Everything.
This next round is all about science, brought to you
in collaboration with scientists from Cern, MIT
and Laboratoires Garnier.
Before the questions,
I will give you a quick refresher course on all things scientific.
The first-ever mammal to be cloned was Dolly the sheep.
No-one knows how many sheep have been cloned since,
because every time the scientists try to count, they fall asleep.
The hardest thing in the human body is tooth enamel. Or is it, ladies?
LAUGHTER
Yeah. Yeah, it is. Yeah.
Francis Crick and James Watson both claim to be the father of DNA,
but which one is the real father?
If only there was a way to find out.
Now, time for some more Big Fat questions.
First up, have a look at this news bulletin
from the early days of robotics.
ARCHIVE: Meet Alpha the robot.
Constructed entirely of metal but controlled only by the voice.
MAN: Fire.
Tell me, do you like little boys?
ROBOT: No.
Do you like little girls?
No.
Well, do you like the ladies?
Yes.
LAUGHTER
That was an early prototype of me. Um...
So that was Alpha the robot there from 1934.
Eight years later sci-fi writer Isaac Asimov came up with
the Three Laws of Robotics. What were they?
- JONATHAN: Yes. - What were the three laws of robotics? - I know them.
That's a strong look. Isn't that a strong look? Take that, hipsters.
- That's the next look. - LAUGHTER
Next question. The distance from your elbow to your wrist
is the same as what?
I'll give you a clue - it's another part of the anatomy.
The distance from there to there.
- Well, I think I know where you've gone with this. - I don't know.
- The distance... - The wrist to the elbow is the same as...?
And we can't say, "The other arm"? We've got to rule that out?
- That is a very good answer. - I'm putting that down.
- You can't say, "The other arm." - Don't you think so? - Hm.
OK. Next question.
With the help of this newborn baby,
the scientist is demonstrating something. Can you tell me what?
I've got it.
OK. Next question.
Over to gold medal-winning super couple Laura and Jason Kenny.
BOTH: Hi, Jimmy.
Now, we did pretty well at the Rio Olympics.
Like most Olympic cyclists, we were competing on a Cervelo T5GB.
But can your teams tell us by what name the velocipede,
the first proper pedal bike, was more commonly known?
So, what was the first proper bicycle popularly known as? OK.
Bill Gates founded Microsoft and helped revolutionise home computing.
But in 1994, in a TV interview,
he demonstrated a particularly unusual physical talent.
What was it?
You've got to write down Bill Gates' hidden party piece.
He looks exactly like the bassist from REM.
All right. You ready for some answers?
I'm going to ask you what the Three Laws of Robotics were,
as stated by Isaac Asimov. Noel, Richard,
what do you think - the Laws of Robotics?
Don't let the beat control your feet.
LAUGHTER
- Don't let the beat control your feet. - Under any circumstances.
Two. Be punctual.
Three. No genocide.
- It's as simple as that, Jimmy. - OK.
- Katherine, Aisling, what did you get? - Rule number one.
Don't talk about robotics.
- Rule number two. - Refer to rule number one. - Rule number three.
Don't kill humans.
- One of those is wrong. - Yes!
LAUGHTER
We've got the first one - thou shalt do no harm to humans.
The second one is,
you shall obey humans unless it contradicts rule number one.
And the third rule was, you shall protect yourself
unless it contradicts rules one and two.
- That's 100% right. - Yes, of course.
APPLAUSE
I don't like that robotics has inspired the robot dance.
You know, that one.
- Why don't you like it? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because... - That's quite good.
Dancing is supposed to be an advertisement for
how you would be in bed.
- And I don't want to... - Is it? That feels...
That feels pretty accurate to me. I dance for about 30 seconds.
LAUGHTER
Oh, my God, you've seen my sex tape!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
- All right, so points to Jonathan and David there. Well done. - Thank you.
I asked you what the distance from your elbow to your wrist is
the same as. What did you put?
- The other arm. - The same bit on the other arm.
That bit to there is the same as that bit there. It's a mirror.
- Dude, we did this joke in the late '90s. - They did do that joke earlier.
- Did they? - Yes. - It's the other arm is the actual answer. It's not a joke.
We're giving you the answer. That's the actual answer.
Guys, you wrote down the joke that you did earlier?
- We did write down the joke. - You weren't paying attention. You're in the same room.
Well, we were laughing at our really good joke.
What did you get for this, Katherine, Aisling?
We said that length of this
is what length of sausage
you're looking for.
LAUGHTER
You know what we mean!
Like in a breakfast.
I can tell you, no-one got it. But the...
I asked you what the distance from your elbow to your wrist was
the same as. It's the same length as your foot.
- That's so boring, that answer. - So, technically we get a point.
- Oh, it's right. - I am right. - There's no way that's true. Look at this!
- That's not true. Look. - Hang on. Put it up on the desk.
Put that up on the desk.
Why have you got little tiny hobbit feet?
I'll put them together for you.
- It's quite hard to get... - AISLING: It is hard. You need...
- David, you need to put it in the inside. - Argh.
Yeah, that's the same size.
No! Look, there's about two inches... Like that.
- That's the same size. - In here. So, breathe into it, David.
- KATHERINE: Men can't do that. - Breathe into it.
David, you're not giving birth!
LAUGHTER
You're so close. You're so close! There he is. It's the same length.
- It's the same length. - It's no way near the same length.
- It is the same length. - Why is your foot...? Why is it wet?
Because... I don't know.
- It's just been in my shoe for quite a long time. - OK.
OK, I asked you what was going on in this photo. What did you put?
- DAVID: It's how well a baby's gripping. - A baby's grip. Cos when they're first born,
if you just touch them on the hand they grip it. They grip the finger.
- And that's how doctors check it. - And you've got, Katherine, Aisling?
Grip reflex. It's when we were monkeys and we used to have to
hang onto stuff but now we don't need it any more,
- but it's still there. - OK.
It's horrible, though.
Like do doctors have a reflex to spoil a special moment?
Cos like your baby is holding on and you're like, "My God..."
And the doctor is like, "Yeah, that's cos he's a monkey."
LAUGHTER
- Noel, Richard, did you get this? - Yes.
- We put that babies instinctively grip. - What else did you write?
How not to parent.
LAUGHTER
Don't pick up your baby with a pencil.
Because what if that pencil broke? It's awkward. It's an awkward...
Just get a new pencil. They're not expensive. OK.
So cycling's golden couple, Laura and Jason Kenny,
asked you what the first pedal bike was more commonly known as?
What did you think?
Bone rattler.
- Sold at Halfords. - Bone...
- Bone rattler. - OK. Katherine, Aisling? - I'm not proud.
I'm not proud, Katherine. I feel like I've let the team down.
- You know it's not funny, I know it's not funny. - You never let me down.
I put down, "Vicious cycle."
- She did. She wrote that. It was funny. - Vicious cycle?
- I see what you've done. OK, fine. - It's a bit of a laugh, isn't it?
AS SCHWARZENEGGER: Let's not get into a vicious cycle.
LAUGHTER
They're all better when Arnie says them. OK, David, Jonathan?
The butt spreader.
- I think it is a boneshaker. - Oh.
It was actually called... A velocipede, better known as the boneshaker.
- JONATHAN: The boneshaker. - I think bone rattler maybe gets a point.
- I actually said boneshaker. - He did say it.
I point to Noel and Richard. You said it. But you've got to write them down.
- That's the quiz that we're playing. - Oh! This is bullshit. - What?
All right, and finally I asked you what unique talent Bill Gates
demonstrated on a TV show in 1994?
Fucking his own penis.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
- Yes. It's correct(!) - Look at the handwriting.
Look at the handwriting. See where it changes.
See where the handwriting changes.
We have got a correct answer.
- What is the correct answer? - Jump over a chair.
- I think he can jump over a chair from a standing start. - Yes.
Katherine, Aisling, what did you get here?
Well, we... I am going to throw in
that he shits money.
LAUGHTER
- Jonathan, David, what did you...? - We said that he was like...
He was like a sort of human tripod, that his penis was so large...
- We're not proud of that. - ..that he could just sort of lean on it like that.
And invent Windows.
Probably afterwards.
We'll take a look and see.
Is it true that you can leap over a chair from standing position?
It depends on the size of the chair, but this chair - probably so.
- Will you do it? - Yeah. I don't know with the microphone on if it's doable.
- Watch the light, OK? - I'll cheat a little bit.
Yes!
I took a step before I did it.
RICHARD: That's not from a standing position.
- That's good, though. - It's something, right?
That's like jumping over a tennis net, isn't it? I can do that.
That's bollocks.
- You can do that? - I can. - We've got health and safety here.
I could jump over you from here.
I'm like a flea.
In some respects, yes.
Do you want to try? You crouch and I jump over you.
From a standing position.
Do I want a back injury? No, I'll be fine.
Well, it's time now to welcome a special guest.
It's double gold medallist Jonnie Peacock!
APPLAUSE
- Can't believe our luck. How are you? - I'm good, thank you. How are you?
- Yeah. Pleased to see you. Thanks for coming on. - Thanks for having me.
- This is the Rio... This is the Rio gold. - Do you want to have a look?
No, I'm with you. I would never take it off!
Jonnie! Could you jump over Jimmy?
LAUGHTER
Will you let me jump over you?
- I'll let you jump over me. - Yes!
He's wearing pixie boots. You're an athlete.
- Just bend down... - Just bend down in front of you?
- Yeah. - Of course. - This is quite weird.
LAUGHTER
I've been on for five seconds, that's all I'm saying.
I've been on for five seconds and already I'm bending over.
This way, but on your knees. I can't jump over that.
That's too high.
Wearing the medal.
- Ready? - Go for it.
Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
NOEL: That was good.
So, we've got a question here, sports-related question.
- It is sports related. - Tell us the question.
I'm going to demonstrate three sporting celebrations
- from three different sportsmen... - Three? You're doing three?
- I'll grab those for you. So you've got three. - The first one is...
- You got to write down all three. - ..that. So I'm sure... If you...
If you don't get that, I'm going to be a little bit...
Yeah, but maybe we're not into what you're into.
OK, so that's the first one. You should all get that.
- Second one slightly more challenging. - Second one is...
This is not the proudest moment of my career,
but I'm not a great dancer, I'm just going to say, but I'm just going to go for it.
So it is...
We've got it. We've got it.
I think.
And the last one is...
DAVID: Ooh.
- KATHERINE: What? - AISLING: What?
Oh, it's good. He's nailed that.
Along those lines.
Could we see the last one again?
It's not that I didn't see it, it's I like seeing you uncomfortable.
- No. Shush, leave him alone. - You should know.
- I was told that you'd know this one. - He's an idiot.
LAUGHTER
- The dance was incredible. - Can we see yours? We've got to see your version.
Mine isn't any better than that. But it's something.
OK, you've all got answers. Let's have a look.
Now, this could be painful for everyone concerned.
We've written, "Usain Bolt."
Then we've written, "Football, innit?"
Which I'm pretty sure we're right about. And then our third one is
"Tiger Woods eating berries in the woods
- "after he's been kicked out of his house by his wife." - OK.
- Noel, Richard, what did you get? - Usain Bolt, the Bolt Man. - Yeah.
- Peter Crouch. - Yeah. - Tarzan.
You thought the third one was Tarzan?
- Yeah. - Celebrating his sporting...?
- He's very good at... - JONATHAN: Swinging. - Cycling.
AISLING: Swing.
Cheetah makes his bikes.
Team Walliams, what did you put?
First one, Lightning Bolt - Usain Bolt.
Second one we put Peter Crouch doing the robot.
Thank God they got that.
It was incredible.
The last one, we were guessing... We thought it might be a tennis...
- A tennis player. - Djokovic does...
- Ahh! - What does he do?
- Is it Djokovic? - On all fours. Yeah, Djokovic.
- Wow, we got it. - We got them all, we got the lot.
Usain Bolt. Peter Crouch. And Djokovic.
- We got the lot. - Three points. One point. Two points.
OK, let's take a look at what that's done to the scores.
So I can tell you now, Katherine and Aisling have got 22.
Noel and Richard have 27.
In the lead with 33, Jonathan and David!
APPLAUSE
Before we take a quick break,
ladies and gentlemen, give it up one more time - Jonnie Peacock!
APPLAUSE Thanks for coming on. Fabulous.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz Of Everything.
Our next round is all about fashion and lifestyle.
I don't follow fashion any more.
In fact, fashion has recently taken out a restraining order
which means I'm not allowed within ten years of it.
LAUGHTER
For me, comfort is far more important than fashion,
which is why under this fancy suit I'm wearing an old,
well-worn bra and no knickers.
LAUGHTER
It's a troubling image for everyone. LAUGHTER
They're laughing because you said "fancy suit."
I mean, coming from you!
In a kaftan made of cats' eyes.
This is a thing of beauty.
Do you want to see the full thing?
Yeah, go on, show us the full thing.
- Close your eyes. - OK.
I'll tell you when to open them.
LAUGHTER
Open them, Jimmy.
Ahhh...
A thing of beauty, isn't it?
It's...
Sometimes when the Ku Klux Klan want to have a bit of fun.
JIMMY LAUGHS
Wrong on so many levels. OK.
For the first question, over to the master of illusion, Derren Brown.
Hi Jimmy, Jim, James, this is Darren.
I have predicted many things in my time,
including the flipping lottery but even I sometimes need
a second opinion which is why I use my Magic 8-Ball.
You ask it a question, you give it a shake and it reveals to you any one
of 20 different answers, such as, mostly likely,
don't count on it and outlook good.
Those are just three of the answers but can your teams,
and they are teams, name me three, that's three, more?
Three? That's a lot.
He seems to doubt us.
LAUGHTER
I always worry when I see any footage of him
that he's just emptied my bank account.
Or, like, I feel like I may be in a trance now.
Can we draw a picture?
Don't draw a picture of a penis!
Next up, have a look at this news report from 1978.
Why has this reporter been forced to divide up his shopping?
You can purchase an orange from a shop
but tinned oranges are illegal.
An Easter egg is all right.
But sausages, certainly not.
You can have biscuits
but not the cheese to go with it, according to Mr Taylor.
A chunky beef and kidney pie is all right.
But certainly not lard.
LAUGHTER
When was that from?
- That's 1978. - OK.
OK, so why was that reporter forced to divvy up his shopping?
- Oh, you think so? - No, I don't know, maybe...
Next it's over to our favourite Chelsea resident, Ollie Locke.
Hi, Jimmy.
Now, as you know, it's a complete social faux pas to turn up to
any event unsuitably dressed.
Whether it be a cocktail reception or at the polo,
I always stick to the dress code.
And, when I play tennis, I only wear white.
Now back in the 19th century wearing white was seen as
a symbol of your status.
But there was another reason why tennis players started to
adhere to the strict all-white dress code.
Can you tell me why?
Got it.
Yeah, we got it, as well.
OK, next question. The first ever Pez dispenser was launched in 1948.
They later became huge hits with collectors when the company
added character heads like Mickey Mouse but what was the
mechanism originally designed to resemble and why?
Got it.
So Pez dispensers, what were they meant to look like,
initially, and why?
Jimmy, I don't want to be unkind but you look like a Pez dispenser.
LAUGHTER
OK, next question... The famous Valentine's Day poem first appeared
in a collection of nursery rhymes published in 1783.
What I want to know is, what was the original next line.
The rose is red, the violet's blue...
I've got chlamydia, so have you.
LAUGHTER
OK, so first up,
Derren Brown asked you for some Magic 8-Ball answers.
So what do you think are the options the Magic 8-Ball gave you?
We wrote, looks unlikely, yes, never, no way
and one we can't read any more.
Tomorrow.
You can have one point for yes.
Yes is one of them.
Katherine and Aisling?
Definitely yes, probably not, and...
Not even if you were on fire.
LAUGHTER
You can have one point for yes, definitely, definitely yes.
OK, one point there. And Noel, Richard?
Nap immediately.
Worry.
It's infected.
LAUGHTER
JIMMY LAUGHS
Well, I mean, you could have had any of these.
You could have had, concentrate and ask again, yes,
better not tell you now,
without a doubt, my sources say no.
I asked you why the reporter had to divide up his shopping.
What do you think?
We thought it was like entering the Common Market, or something.
It's a very good guess.
- It's not right, but it's very good. - OK.
What did you get, Katherine, Aisling?
We thought he was sorting through acceptable and not acceptable
nicknames for wives.
LAUGHTER
Because it was like the '70s.
- So lard is no, sausages, yeah. - Yeah.
I've been called worse.
Easter eggs. Easter eggs, is that OK as a nickname?
Easter eggs is a sexy nickname.
- Tinned peaches? - That gets me going on a Friday.
LAUGHTER
What did you put?
A gang hazing ritual.
LAUGHTER
It was not a gang hazing ritual.
It was actually a confusion over the Sunday trading laws.
- Oh... - Because you can only buy certain things on a Sunday.
They repealed the laws in 1994 because they were crazy.
OK, next we heard from Made In Chelsea's Ollie
who wanted to know why tennis players wear white.
What do you think?
Because they are virgins and will be sacrificed.
LAUGHTER
Is it because they're all racist?
LAUGHTER
No!
Katherine, Aisling?
We also got the same right answer.
Virgins.
I play a lot of tennis, I'll have you know...
Yeah, virgins.
Do you wear white when you play?
Yes, because I'm a vir... Oh, shit!
I can tell you the answer was, to avoid unsightly sweat patches.
Oh...
They thought it was gross that people would sweat when doing
physical exercise so they wore white so it wouldn't show up as much.
I asked you the reasoning behind the Pez dispensers design?
Why did it look like that?
We said it's a bullet cartridge.
Again, very good guesses in this round.
Incorrect, but very good.
What did you think it was, Richard?
Lionel Richie.
Katherine, Aisling?
We thought maybe it looked like one of those lighters
because back then kids were allowed to smoke and they were trying
to wean them off with sugar.
That is exactly the right answer.
- Woo! - Oh, my God!
It was originally designed to stop people from smoking.
APPLAUSE
All right, finally, I asked you to complete the Valentine's Day poem.
The rose is red, the violet is blue.
Er, Noel Fielding?
Ghost.
LAUGHTER
- Ghost toast. - Toast.
APPLAUSE
OK, Katherine, Aisling?
We put roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet and you have diabetes type 2.
LAUGHTER
I mean, very good. APPLAUSE
Jonathan, David?
BOTH: Roses are red, violets are blue,
do you take it up the flue?
Is the flue, is that part of a chimney?
The flue is the business end of the chimney.
It's the bit you need to clean.
So what would that mean?
- Are you a chimney sweep? - Yeah.
LAUGHTER
The answer was, the rose is red, the violet's blue,
- the honey is sweet and so are you. - Aw...
OK, at the end of that round the scores are...
Katherine and Aisling have 24,
Noel and Richard have 27,
Jonathan and David in the lead with 34!
Thank you, thank you.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Join us after the break to confirm your suspicion
that people off the telly are much dumber than you. See you in a bit!
Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz Of Everything.
This next round is all about crime and scandal.
The OJ Simpson trial split public opinion with some people
saying he did it and some people saying he didn't do it,
but one thing is for sure - he definitely did it.
LAUGHTER
John Bobbitt's penis was cut off by his wife while he slept.
Afterwards, John Bobbitt became a porn star. Well, not straight after.
Straight after, he screamed for a week.
LAUGHTER
OK, last set of questions. This is former NASA intern Thad Roberts.
He hit the headlines for stealing moon rocks in 2002.
He got eight years in prison. Why did he do it?
Wow. He sold them and bought those shorts.
LAUGHTER
Who owns the moon?
LAUGHTER
I think it is Noel. I think that's probably...
I am the moon.
In 2007, Peter Addison was arrested after the broke in and graffitied a
campsite in Stockport and given the title Britain's dumbest criminal.
How was he caught?
Most people would break OUT of a campsite in Stockport,
- wouldn't they? - LAUGHTER
- Write down your answers. - What was his name, Jimmy?
His name was Peter Addison.
If you're watching, I'm sure you're a reformed character now and you
regret this terrible incident from your past.
But it was fucking stupid.
- LAUGHTER - Got it.
Which service, launched in 1937,
was said by the London Evening News to be useful in urgent
situations such as, if for instance,
the man in the flat next to yours is murdering his wife.
Did cat burglars actually used to wear masks when they went walking
- around before a crime? - Heavily, heavily masked.
OK, next we are over to Darcey Bussell,
who's got a question for us. Darcey.
Now, just like the rest of us, I like a bit of gossip, and I
was intrigued to learn about the biggest celebrity scandal of 1926.
It involved over 1,000 police officers and made front-page news.
It saw Arthur Conan Doyle visit a medium in a bid to help.
Now, what do you think happened?
OK, so what was the big celebrity scandal of 1926?
Have any of you got any ideas? Cos I can give you a clue here.
- Yes. Give us a clue. - Yeah, yeah.
Someone disappeared, and it was ironic that they disappeared.
It was a huge mystery. DAVID GASPS
Ironic that they disappeared?
Got it, got it, got it, got it. Thanks, Jimmy.
And finally, time for another Say What You See.
Take a look at this, can you work out what famous controversy
is being spelled out here?
- OK. - I'm good at these. - OK.
We know who that is.
- Cash. - Don't say it out loud. - Oh, here we go.
- Don't say them out loud. - We've got it. - That sort of gives it away.
- It's quite satisfying. - No. - Come on, Aisling.
Who is that?
- We have.... - We've got it, Jimmy! - ..got it, mate.
Bang double fucking wow.
Give us the trophy now.
- Blah-blah-blah. - We've done it!
OK, everyone finished? Let's have some answers.
- Yes. - OK, all right.
I asked you what Thad Roberts did with the moon rocks he stole,
what do you think?
He gave them to his girlfriend who sold them on eBay.
And that's how he got caught.
He gave something to his girlfriend. Katherine, Aisling?
We weren't sure. We thought maybe he tried to smoke them.
Or maybe he tried to sell them to a different planet.
And now we're thinking maybe he, like, stoned a creationist.
OK.
Noel, Richard, what did you think? THEY LAUGH
He hid them, initially,
then eBay.
OK. Well, I can tell you,
he laid them out on his bed and had sex with his girlfriend on them.
KATHERINE: No!
How did people find out he had sex on the rocks unless
- he told everybody? - I think he told everybody. - Oh.
Well, I think you would tell everyone, wouldn't you?
"I've done it on a moon rock!"
What a boast. Big deal!
Because, effectively, they had sex on the moon.
They didn't, they had sex on a moon rock, and it went up his arse.
LAUGHTER
That makes everything more fun. OK, no points for anyone there.
I asked you how Peter Addison was caught after he graffitied
a campsite building. David, you seem very confident.
He wrote his own name under the graffiti.
He signed his own graffiti.
OK, what did you think, Katherine, Aisling?
We said "Peter was here."
You got the right idea. And, Noel, Richard?
He filmed himself and put it on YouTube.
- Boom, Jimmy! Boom! - Is that right?
He wrote the words "Peter Addison was here" on the wall.
Oh.
Have a look.
He also wrote "British garden birds R gay."
LAUGHTER
That's pretty good. OK. So, points, points, no points.
I asked what service launched in 1937 was said to be useful if...
- What did you put? - The police.
- 999. - They introduced the 999 service. - 999 service.
- 999. - 999. You got points all around for that. Points all around. - Yay!
Next, Darcey Bussell asked you what was the biggest celebrity
scandal of 1926. What did you get?
We got confused. We thought it might be the disappearance of
Agatha Christie, but we think we're probably wrong on that.
What did you write, though?
Well, we wrote... I thought it might be some kind of hoax.
He wrote Sherlock Holmes goes missing, and I said,
"Sherlock Holmes can't go missing cos he doesn't exist."
OK, Katherine, Aisling, what did you get for this?
What we put down, he was trying to solve his own murder.
So you thought the answer was what I said in the question?
Solving his own murder, yeah.
No! OK, Noel, Richard.
I thought it had something to do with the Cottingley fairies,
but I think you're right. I think Agatha Christie disappeared.
- She did disappear. - But I don't know if it was then.
What are the fairies?
The Cottingley fairies. You know Arthur Conan Doyle...
Yes, I think you might be right.
- Yes! - That's cos Arthur Conan Doyle did investigate...
These little girls had pictures of fairies.
You didn't write it down, no points, but you were right.
It was Agatha Christie's disappearance.
Jonathan, David, you get points.
Agatha Christie disappeared for 11 days,
sparking a nationwide manhunt. OK.
And finally, you saw a Say What You See.
What did you see? Katherine, Aisling?
We got "man three on paddle scandal".
"Man three on paddle scandal." OK.
- Imagine it's not right, Jimmy. - Noel, Richard?
Cash four switch fish baby doll.
LAUGHTER
Or... Question scandal.
- Double oar. - Scandal. Questions.
No. What did you get, Jonathan, David?
Cash for Honours scandal.
- It's the right answer. - Yes!
Points for Jonathan and David.
OK, time now for the big question.
Please welcome my very special guest,
the London Philharmonic choir and their conductor Neville Creed.
Yeah. Yeah, that's right, we've classed things up a little bit.
- OK, thank you for joining us this evening. - Not at all. - Excellent.
Now, you're going to be playing four, I believe,
- R&B and rap classics... - Oh, lovely.
- ..in your own style. - Yep.
All you need to do is write down the song and the artist.
- Right. - Four songs, that's it. - Got it.
So the first song. Let's hear the first song.
- # Go, go - Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, Shawty
# It's your birthday
# We gon' party like it's your birthday
# We gon' sip Bacardi like it's your birthday
# And you know we don't give a It's not your birthday
♪ Go, go. ♪
OK, that was the first tune.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
OK, so we need the artist and the song. OK, next one.
Hit it.
- # Come here, girl - Go ahead, be gone with it
- # Come to the back - Go ahead, be gone with it
- # VIP - # Go ahead, be gone with it
- # Drinks on me - Go ahead, be gone with it
# Let me see what you're twerkin' with
# Go ahead, be gone with it
- # Look at those hips - Go ahead, be gone with it
- # You make me smile - Go ahead, be gone with it.
- # Go ahead, child - # Go ahead, be gone with it
# Get your sexy on
♪ Get your sexy on! ♪
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
So, we'll need the artist and song. OK, third one. Hit it.
# He a mother... trip, trip Sailor of the ship, ship
# When he make it drip, drip Kiss him on the lip, lip
# That's the kind of dude I was lookin' for
# And yes, you'll get slapped if you're lookin' hoe
# I said Excuse me, you're a hell of a guy
#I mean my, my, my, my You're like pelican fly
# I mean, you're so shy And I'm loving your tie
# You're like slicker than the guy with the thing on his eye, oh
# Yes, I did Yes, I did
# Somebody please tell him who the F I is
# I am
♪ I mack them dudes up, back coupes up, and chuck the deuce up. ♪
I mean... I mean, you nailed that.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, final one.
# Now that the party is jumping
# With the bass kicked in And the Vegas are pumpin'
# Quick to the point, to the point No faking
# Cooking MCs like a pound of bacon Burning them
# They ain't quick and nimble
# I go crazy when I hear a cymbal
# And a hi hat with a souped up tempo
♪ I'm on a roll It's time to go solo. ♪
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
OK. Let's get our last lot of answers.
OK, so, did you get them? Noel, Richard?
- Yeah? - Four answers, four songs.
- Yeah. - What have you got?
- 50 Cent In Da Club. - 100%, yeah.
- Brown Girl In The Ring. - Boney M.
I mean, no.
- No. - Something...
by Tony Monopoly. I don't know.
I didn't know which one,
I knew it was Tony Monopoly.
- We got the last one, though. - The last one is Vanilla Ice.
- Vanilla Ice. - I do know that.
OK, so you got four points there.
OK, Jonathan, David, what did you get?
We said 50 Cent, It's Your Birthday.
- It's Your Birthday, that's what we put. - OK, one point there.
Missy Elliott?
- Get Your Freak On. - The second one.
No, incorrect on both of those.
Then we thought it was something by Rihanna, RiRi,
but we didn't know what.
And then you thought?
And then we thought Kanye West.
You got one point there. Aisling.
The foreign twerkers, we knew it.
And great job, by the way, everyone.
- Lovin' it. - So did you get them all? - Yeah.
- Yes. - Yeah. - Yes, we did.
So what have you got?
50 Cent In Da Club.
- OK. - Justin Timberlake.
- SexyBack. - Correct.
Nicki Minaj.
Super Bass.
And Vanilla Ice.
♪ Ice, ice, baby! ♪
Eight points, a full house there.
Well done.
That means the final scores are...
In last place, Noel Fielding
and Richard Ayoade with 32.
With a very creditable 34,
Katherine Ryan and Aisling Bea.
They got pretty close.
The winners of The Big Fat Quiz Of Everything -
Jonathan Ross and David Walliams.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
- I will give you your trophy. - Thank you.
- You've earnt that, gentlemen. - Thank you.
Thanks to our amazing panel, our wonderful choir,
all our special guests and thanks to you for watching.
Good night.
Subtitles by Ericsson