女士们先生们
Ladies and gentlemen !
艾迪墨菲!
Eddie Murphy!
感谢各位 非常感谢 掌声太激烈了
Thank you. Thank you so much.Two times, far two times.
在我正式表演之前 大家给巴士男孩再来一轮热烈的掌声如何
Before I even get started how about a big round of applause for the Bus Boys.
我在上台进行喜剧表演的时候 是有一些规矩在的
There's some rules, I got some rules when I show down and I do my standup, I got rules and shit.
我在台上表演的时候 基佬们不许看我的屁股!
Faggots aren't allowed to look at my ass while I'm on stage !
这就是我在台上走来走去的原因
That's why I keep moving while I'm up here.
谁也不知道基佬在哪坐着呢 所以我不敢停
You don't know where the faggot section is,you gotta keep movin'.
这样就算他们看到我的屁股了 我也会迅速转身 他们就没法盯着看了
So if they do see it, quick, you switch,they don't get no long stares at your shit...
但是他们脑袋里面就可能会开始幻想了
...so that their imagination is flowing about my...
我能感受到你的视线 看得我屁股都发烫了
I know when you're looking,'cos my ass starts to get hot.
我特别怕同性恋 特别怕 晚上都能做噩梦
I'm afraid of gay people. Petrified.I have nightmares about gay people.
我有一次做噩梦我跑去好莱坞结果发现T先生是个基佬
I have this nightmare that I go to Hollywood and find out that Mr. T is a faggot.
真的 而且他会走到人跟前说 嘿小哥儿 嘿小哥儿~
Really, and he'd be walking up to people going:"Hey, boy ! Hey, boy !"
你穿这条牛仔裤看起来还挺可爱吼
"You look mighty cute in them jeans !"
现在赶紧过来 然后对我来一招千年杀
"Now come on over here,and fuck me up the ass !"
我现在要弯腰了哦~
"I'm gonna bend over now !"
嘿 小子 别激动 搞不好你就缴械了
"Hey, boy, slow down ! You're gonna miss the round, and come too fast !"
你要是惹急了我 我就双臀一夹送你进宫
"You make me get get mad I clench up my buttcheeks and rip your dick of !"
你知道谁变成基佬会很好笑吗? 拉尔夫柯兰登和爱德华诺顿
You know who would be a funny faggot? Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton!
他们俩要是基佬肯定好笑
wouldn't they be funny faggot
拉尔夫柯兰登靠着窗户说 过来一下 诺顿 我给你看个好东西
Ralph Kramden leaning out the window and:"Norton! Come on down, I wanna show you somethin'!"
小拉尔夫 你有啥事想说
"Ralphie-boy, whaddaya say there pal of mine ?"
你知道的诺顿 我观察你有一阵子了
"You know Norton, I've been watching you.
我也知道你有在观察我 你偷看我了 我知道
And I know you've been watching me.You watch me! I know!"
所以 拉尔夫 你想说的重点是啥
"So, Ralph, what are you gettin' at?"
诺顿 我的朋友 你想不想给我来个千年杀啊?
"Norton, my friend! How would you like to fuck me up the ass?"
我知道你早想这么干了 诺顿
"I know you wanna fuck me, Norton!"
而且你知道我知道你知道我知道你想这么做
"And you know that I know that you know that I know that you wanna fuck me!"
现在我要弯腰了 我一弯腰 你就动手
"Now I'm gonna bend over, and when I do, start fuckin'!"
来了
"Here I go !"
马上就好了 小拉尔夫
"Way to go there, Ralphie-boy!"
我经常开同性恋的玩笑 因为他们是同性恋
I kid the homosexuals a lot,'cos they're homosexuals.
我谁的玩笑都敢开 不管他们是什么身份 但我只是开玩笑
I fuck with everybody. I don't give a fuck if they're...Just like I'm... I don't mean anything by it.
你可以和同性恋一起出去玩
You can hang out with a gay person.
这些人不会觉得因为自己是同性恋就被人疏远了
Them guys don't feel, you know, alienated,like, gay people, 'cos they're gay.
你可以跟他们一起打网球 真的
You can play tennis with a gay person.Really !
等打完网球之后 你说 我要去喝杯啤酒 你呢
Just after the game you say:"I'm gonna get a beer, what's you gonna do ?"
我要去帮别人遛遛鸟 行 那下次再见
"I think I'm gonna suck some guy's dick.""Well, I'll see you later!"
你去遛鸟吧 我去喝杯啤酒
"You go suck that dick, I'm gonna have the beer."
女士们特别喜欢跟同性恋一起出门玩
Ladies are hip to it too.Ladies be hanging out with gay people.
女士们都说 同性恋男人是我有过的最好的朋友
Ladies say:"Gay men are the best friends I have !"
因为他们不打我的主意 我对他们也没兴趣 我们就是单纯的在一起玩
"'cos they don't want anything from you, you don't want anything from them, you just hang out,
你可以和他们一起出去玩的很开心 而且什么话都可以跟他们讲
you can be with them and get fun and just talk to them and all that bullshit, maybe hanging out with them.
但你知道最可怕的是什么吗? 艾滋病
You know what's really scary about it?That new AIDS shit.
艾滋病可太恐怖了 因为这是绝症
AIDS is scary 'cos it kills motherfuckers, AIDS!
这东西可没以前的花柳病那么好治
That ain't like the good ol' days when venereal disease was simple.
在以前 你得了花柳病 你的迪克疼 去打一针 基本上就好了
In the good old days, you got gonorhea, you dick hurt, go get a shot, cleared right up.
然后疱疹来了 那东西治不好 就跟个皮箱一样去不掉了
Then they came out with herpes, you keep that shit forever like luggage.
现在又有了艾滋 这种病是致命的
And now they got AIDS,that just kills motherfuckers.
我琢磨着接下来是什么? 可能你的迪克刚进门 突然就炸了
I say what's next, I guess you just put your dick in it and explodes !
然后那女的还躺那说 可能我该去看一下医生了..
And the girl would be on the bed:"Maybe I should see a doctor about it..."
致命的! 这可把我吓坏了 因为女孩们会跟他们一起出去玩
Kills people ! It petrifies me 'cos girls be hanging out with them.
哪天晚上她们可能在夜店跟同性恋朋友玩的很开心 然后亲了一下
One night they could be in the club having fun with their gayfriend, give them a little kiss.
然后嘴唇上带着艾滋病毒就回家了
And go home with AIDS on their lips !
然后五年以后他的老公被告知
And then when her husband, like five years later.
约翰逊先生 你患了艾滋病
Mr.Johnson you have AIDS
艾滋病? 但我不是同性恋啊?
"AIDS?! But I'm not homosexual!"
对对对 没错 你不是
"Sure you're not homosexual..."
这些病真的把我吓到了 因为现在我正年轻呢
All the diseases scare me 'cos I'm like these... these are fuck years for me, like I'm...
我正是壮小伙儿呢 活力旺盛
I'm in my sexual prime, this, I fuck now !
现在正是青春年少呢 一生中最美好的时候
These are the years to fuck !This is when you do your best fucking.
你刚刚开始了解自己的身体 然后推个车什么的
And you just start to learn your body and getting it on your shoulders on to fuck...
就好比18岁的年轻人 让我听见你们的声音
Like 18 year olds, let me hear you all in the audience !
看 你们还啥都不懂呢
See y'all don't know how to fuck yet, see.
等你22岁了 你都开始练花样了
You get 22. You start movin' all this shit.
表情也很丰富 做过那种表情吧 还挺酷的
Makin' faces, ever made them fuck faces its a cool motherfucking thing.
你18岁的时候不会这样 你一直就一个表情因为你还正觉得神奇呢
You don't do that when you're 18. There's just 1 expression 'cos you be surprised you fuckin'.
而且你这时候没办法控制自己
Plus you don't have no dick control when you're 18 !
你年轻的时候 有没有这种经历 在班里正坐着呢 你的迪克突然起立了
Ever been sitting around when you was young man,just sitting in class, your dick gets hard for nothing ?
你在那正坐着呢 你的迪克突然说 嘿 外边出啥事了?
You be just sitting there and your dick's here: "What's going on out there?"
这时候你的老师就会突然说 墨菲同学 你上来解答一下这个问题
That's when the teacher say: "Mr Murphy,would you come over by the board?"
不用了 我就不去了 我想拿零分呢
"No, that's allright.I'll take the zero."
真的 管不住自己
Really, no dick control at all.
还有18岁的时候就能找到女朋友挺难的
It's even hard to find the pussy when you're 18.
见过那种人没有? 整天喊着要找对象
Ever had that guys? You'd be searching for the pussy down there.
而且他的迪克就这样垂下去 女孩们见了都说 这样的不行哦
And your dick be sliding down and shit,and the girl be going: "That's not it..."
有什么问题吗吗? 没问题宝贝
"Is there any problem ?""No, ain't no problem, baby."
你有鞋拔子或者这一类的东西吗
"You got a shoe horn or some shit like that?"
我这行就挺好找女朋友的 反正我干这行就是为了搞对象
And this is the business to be in if you want some pussy.That's why I got in show bussiness, for pussy.
我琢磨着 要是吉米沃克尔都有人要 那我不是随便找
I figured, if Jimmy Walker can fuck,I'm fucking everybody.
而且事实就是这样
And it's like that too.
当你拍电视节目的时候 女人们对着你扔浦西就好像扔飞盘一样
When you do TV-shows, women would be throwing pussy at me on the street like frisbee.
艾迪 谢谢你啊 我很感谢
"Ed !" Thank you ! Appreciate that !"
这些浦西都冲过来 艾迪 给你浦西
All the pussy they go here the pussy eddie pussy for you
谢谢啊 很感谢 这些浦西我都很喜欢
Thank you I aapreciate I like all the pussy
浦西太多了 都要从我口袋掉出来了
Too much pussy, pussy would be falling outta my pocket.
在街上走着 我都会说 小心别踩到了 地上那个是我的
Walking out the street, you say:"Oh, watch your step, that's mine."
喜剧演员跟歌手还是不一样的 歌手把女人都抢走了
Being a comic though ain't like being no singer.The singers get all the pussy.
比如说巴士男孩 他们见一个爱一个 凡是能动的他们都爱
Like the Bus Boys: they fuck everybody.Bus Boys will fuck anything that moves.
他们跑我家来 鱼都不敢动了
Come to my house the fish stop swimming.
不是说着玩的
They don't play
歌手们就是不缺女朋友 因为你都不用
Singers gets pussy. 'cos you don't have to,
你就算长得不好看 你能唱歌就有女人喜欢
even you don't have to look good,you can sing and get pussy.
只要你有趣就行 有个性感偶像就就贼丑 但照样很多人喜欢
Just be interesting. 'cos this Sex Symbol is getting pussy and is ugly motherfucker.
你只要会唱歌就行了 就跟唱歌有关 你歌唱得好 女人就疯了一样
'cos all you have to do is sing, its somethin bout singing,that is the business, you sing, women go crazy.
米克贾格尔就丑的不行
Cos, Mick Jagger is an ugly motherfucker !
长着个大嘴唇子
With big ass lips !
米克贾格尔的嘴唇真的太大了 连黑人看见他都要说 你嘴唇可真大嗷
Mick Jagger's lips are so big black people be going:"You got some big ass lips !"
你看这大嘴唇子
"These are big motherfucking lips !"
但是他歌唱得好啊 只要会唱歌 啥都不是事
But he's singing ! If you sing you'll get over.
路瑟范德鲁斯就是个肯德基的狂热粉丝
Luther Vandross is a big Kentucky Fried Chicken eating motherfucker.
但是他只要一张嘴 女人就都疯了
But he put that shit up like....And women go:
唱吧 你只要歌唱得好就行
Sing ! 'cos all you got to do is sing.
迈克尔杰克逊 歌唱得好 人还长得帅
Michael Jackson, who can sing,and is a good looking guy.
就是阳刚之气有点不足
But ain't the most masculine fellow in the world.
但他的感性也让他很有魅力
That's Michael's hook, his sensivity !
女人们都说 迈克尔就是太感性了
That's when women be sayin:"Michael's just so sensitive..."
女人们就喜欢这个调调 迈克尔也懂
And they eat that shit up. Mike knows.
他知道女人喜欢什么 我见过他走到观众席的一个女孩跟前然后说
He be using women. I've seen Mike walk up to a girl and they'd be in the audience and say:
你介意我走下来对着你唱歌吗
"Is it allright if I come down there to sing to you..."
然后女人们开始了
And women go: "Whaaaaa !"
但你要是不尖叫的话 迈克尔就会变得很感性 还对着你哭
Then, if you don't scream, Michael gets really sensitive and cries on your ass.
听过那首《她离开了我》吧
Ever hear that record "She's out of my life" ?
提托 给我几张纸巾
"Tito, give me some tissues."
杰曼 别笑我了
"Jermaine, stop teasing."
会唱歌就行 我喜欢声音比较阳刚的歌手 比如说泰迪潘德格拉斯
You just sing ! I like dudes with masculine voices, you know, like Teddy Pendergrass.
泰迪一般都是直接上台就唱
Teddy just comes out, takes the lyrics and:
把对他有意思的女人都吓跑了
And scare the bitches that are liking him.
这人脑子有问题 还叫观众把底裤扔台上去
That motherfucker's crazy,throw your panties on the stage.
就是这样 我特别喜欢猫王
That's whats happening. I like Elvis Presley !
真的 该夸的时候我就是要夸 猫王年轻的时候是真厉害啊
Really I give credit where credit is due. When Elvis was young, he was a bad motherfucker.
简直太牛了 唱歌不要太好听 他唱歌好到别人让他演电影 他不会演
He was vicious. Sing his ass off. He sang so good, they let him do movies, he couldn't act.
导演说 不管了 让他把台词都唱出来得了
They said:"Fuck it ! Let him sing all his dialogues !"
确实是这样 猫王的所有台词都这样
They did everthing elvis say is
猫王 咱得赢了这场比赛 咱们得赢了这场比赛
"Elvis, we got to win this race!""We got to win this race...."
猫王 你喝柠檬水不? 柠檬水 又凉又清新
"Elvis, want some lemonade?""Lemonade, that cool, refreshing drink...."
他一直唱到老去 那时候他42岁
Let him sing 'till he was older too,Elvis was 42 years old.
他一出现 肚子上全是肥肉 屁股也露出来了
He would come out, his stomach was all fat and shit...and his butt be sticking out and shit...
看起来跟要去拉屎一样 走到舞台上也是这样
looking like he had to shit, out walking on the stage like this...
不好意思
"Excuse me."
唱吧 能唱是最重要的 都不需要多说什么
Sing ! That's the key to it.You don't even have to be able to talk.
能唱就能出名 詹姆斯布朗唱了二十多年的歌了
Just sing and get famous.James Brown's been singing for 20 years.
我都听不清他在说些什么
I don't know what the fuck James is talkin' about !
一句话都听不清
I don't understand shit James says !
我有一次在周六夜现场碰见他 走上去跟他说 詹姆斯 我特别喜欢你的歌
I met him once at Saturday Night Live, walked up to him and said "James, I luv your stuff".
而且不管他说什么听起来都很严肃
And whatever James is saying is some really heavy shit to James.
这个词对詹姆斯来说还是有含义的
cos it's real meaningful shit to James
因为他每句话最后都得加上一个 “嘿”
'cos at the end of every sentence he ended up with:
他刚才说的可都是认真的
He meant that shit that he just said !
不管啥都得加个嘿!
everything is a hey!
你都听急了还倒回去从听一遍 我刚才错过什么了?
And you getting mad you start putting the needle back "What the fuck did I just miss?"
这是詹姆斯布朗的歌词 他写的
That's a James Brown lyric. He wrote that shit !
他写歌的时候就这样 我得在这加一句 嘿
He's writing a song and:"I need a word in here: Heaay !"
整挺好
"That's good !"
然后听听这歌是怎么唱的啊 所有的歌都一样
And get this song going, all the song sound like the same. James go
我已经听傻了
对
Yeah
没错
Yeah
是的
Yeah
他开始跟乐队互动
He start talking to the band
乐队说 对
The band say yeah
是
Yeah
嗯
Yeah
乐队都傻了 詹姆斯在那喊啥呢?
Band be going:"What the fuck is James talking about?"
我也不知道 但是咱都收了钱了 接着唱吧
I don't know but we're getting paid,keep singing.
说得好
Yeah
没毛病
Yeah
但是人们就喜欢看这个 人们就喜欢看歌手这样表演
And people take singers. There's something about singers that people just love and shit.
因为有一次我在表演的时候模仿史蒂夫旺达
'Cos I... I did Stevie Wonder on a show once.
黑人们看了之后都特别生气
And black people lost their motherfucking minds !
有一次一个黑人老哥走过来对我说
I have brothers rawling up on me going:
嘿 你就是那个拿史蒂夫旺达开玩笑的混蛋是吧
"Hey ! You the motherfucker that's been doing Stevie Wonder?"
那个笑话一点也不好笑 你个混蛋
"That shit ain't funny, motherfucker !"
别让我再看见你模仿他了 不然我揍死你
"Don't you never let me see you do that shit again ! I'll fuck you up !"
史蒂夫旺达是一位天才音乐家!
"Stevie Wonder is a musical genius !"
真是太过分了 实在是过分 你妈妈都没教好你
That's terrible ! That's terrible, man !Your mother brought you up wrong.
给我说急了 我两个月之前跟史蒂夫旺达一起出去玩 我说
I got mad, I was hanging out with Stevie two months ago, I said:
听着 史蒂夫 我因为模仿你被人骂了两个月
"Look, Steve, I get 2 months flack over this impression."
我现在不喜欢 也不会再模仿你了 史蒂夫说 呃 我觉得
"I don't like doin', I ain't doing this shit no more." Stevie says: "Well I feel that..."
把嘴给我闭上
"Shut the fuck up !"
你必须得马上打断他说话 要不然他一张嘴就停不下来了
'Cos you gotta cut Steve off quick,'cos if he starts rolling he talks your ears off.
你见过史蒂夫获格莱美奖之后上台发表那种长到不行的获奖感言吗
You ever seen Steve win a Grammy and come up to give one of those long ass acceptance speeches ?
获奖者是 史蒂夫旺达!
"And the winner is Stevie Wonder !"
史蒂夫一上台
steve be come up
我想说 在今天 全世界的人民
I'd like to say all the people in the world today
上帝选的 而且 赶紧拿着你的奖杯给我下去!
'...God's chosen and..." "Just take the motherfuckin award and get the fuck out !"
你要是不打断他 他就说个不停 他还得接着说 我要感谢
'cos if you don't say that the credits will be rolling and Stevie going: "And I'd like to thank..."
我当时在车上就说 把嘴给我闭上 史蒂夫
I've been in the car and said:"Just shut the fuck up, Steve!"
我跟你说 你确实是个天才 但你也是我哥们 咱俩经常一起玩
I'm telling you, genius and all that shit, but you're my boy, man, we hang and,
我是说我挺喜欢跟你一起玩的 但是这么骂我我顶不住啊
I mean, like, it's nice and shit but I don't appreciate all the flack.
而且我个人来说 那个钢琴弹唱什么的 我跟你说过我对唱那一部分是啥感受
And personally, the piano and the singing, I told you how I feel about singing...
没什么印象深刻的
"...I ain't impressed."
你想震惊我一下子? 你来开会车啊 你个蠢驴
"You wanna impress me?Take the wheel for a little while, motherfucker !"
我听到那个笑话了 一点也不好笑
"I heard that shit, man !""That shit wasn't funny !"
你嘲讽史蒂夫开车撞到树是不是?
Then I suppose in your little sketch Stevie crashed in a tree, right?
哈哈真好笑啊 你这个混蛋
"Ha-ha, very funny, motherfucker !"
你妈妈有个木头做的假腿还拄着拐杖 你个混蛋
"Your mother got a wooden leg with a kick stand, motherfucker !"
你妈妈脖子后面有张嘴 而且她吃东西的时候是这样的
"Your mother got a mouth in the back of her neck and the bitch chews like this !"
让你乱讲史蒂夫旺达的笑话
"Motherfucker Stevie Wonder jokes and shit !"
这地方还挺热啊
It's hot as fuck in here !
把衣服脱了
"Take it off !"
不 我不能脱 没准女士们会抓着她们的浦西跑过来喊 啊!!!
No, I can't take it off. Maybe ladies would run up the place holding their pussies going: "Aaaah !"
那边发生什么了 女士们都在街上跑 那可不行
What's going on over there ?Ladies run down the street and... can't do that.
现场有卖冰激凌的吗
Do we have the icecream man around here ?
还记着你小时候卖冰激凌的来镇上的时候吗
Remember when the icecream man used to come to town when you was little ?
不管你在做什么你都会马上停下来 跟疯了一样
And no matter what you was doing you would stop and lose your fucking mind !
冰激凌车就是能让小孩激动成这样
There's something about the icecream truck that makes kids lose it.
他们能在十条街之外听到冰激凌车的声音 自己老妈说话都跟听不见一样
And they can hear that shit from ten blocks away. They don't hear their mothers calling
但听那个冰激凌车的声音一听一个准儿
but they hear that motherfucking icecream truck.
不管你当时在干啥 冰激凌车来了 往那一停 你正在那玩玻璃球呢
And no matter what was was going on, the iceman came, it stopped. You be gettin' some marbles and shit:
冰激凌! 冰激凌！ 卖冰激凌的来了! 卖冰激凌的来了!
"Icecream ! Icecream ! The icecream man is coming !The icecream man is coming !"
妈！ 妈！ 扔点钱下来！
"Mom ! Mom !""Throw down some money !"
卖冰激凌的来了!
"The icecream man is coming !"
然后你妈妈跑到窗户那 扔了点零钱下来说
Then your mother come to the window and be throwing change and say:
别忘了把找零拿回来
and bring back my change.
把那些钱一把抓住就跑到街上 跑的贼快
Catch all that shit and run down the street, top speed.
追着冰激凌车就喊 冰激凌！
Chasing icecream truck and:"Icecream !"
卖冰激凌的总是要多开几条街 我知道他看见我们了
Icecream man always drove extra blocks away.And I know he's seen us and shit,
我觉得他肯定在车里跟他的朋友说 看看我让这帮小家伙跑的多快
but I think he just be in the car with his friends and say:"Watch me how fast I make these motherfuckers run"
你在后面跑的时速50英里还喊着 冰激凌
You'd be behind him doing 50 and going: "Icecream !"
你追上的时候已经气喘呼呼了
卖冰激凌的
Icecream man
谢谢你 卖冰激凌的 谢谢啊
"Thank you, icecream man ! Thank you !"
你拿到了你的冰激凌
You get your icecream
等我拿到冰激凌了 我不立马吃 我还得拿着唱会歌
I'd get my icecream and I didn't eat it just sing for a little while.
你懂的 小孩儿嘛
You know how kids are.
我买了冰激凌~ 我买了冰激凌~ 我要把它吃干净 一口都不剩~
"I have some icecream, I have some icecream,and I'm gonna eat it all, I'm gonna eat it all..."
冰激凌流的你满手都是
The icecream be running down your arm and shit
冰激凌
Icecream
我要把它吃干净
I’m gonna eat it all my icecream
冰激凌
icecream
旁边会有一个没买冰激凌的小孩 小孩不在乎那个
you know when there one kid on the side,didn't get no icecream kid don't care they go
你没有冰激凌 你没买着~ 你没有~
"You don't have no icecream!You didn't get none ! You didn't get none !
因为你家没钱 你买不起~
"'cos you are under wellfare, you can't afford it."
别的小孩也开始了 你买不起冰激凌~ 你爹还是个酒鬼~
Other kids would join in: "You can't afford it, and his father is an alcoholic !"
你想尝尝我的冰激凌吗
You want to eat some of my icecream
来一口
Wanna lick?
逗你玩~
sike
你想吃冰激凌 你想吃冰激凌
You want some icecream,you want some icecream.
我要把冰激凌全吃了 不给你吃 不给
I'm about to eat all of my icecream,You can not have some you can..
你冰激凌掉地上咯~ 你冰激凌掉地上咯~
"You dropped your icecream,you dropped your icecream..."
照样吃 就是冰激凌掉屎上了我也敢吃 反正就沾了一点而已
Eat it. I could drop my icecream in a pile of shit and eat it. I would be like "It's just sprinkles"
除非被你妈发现你在做这么恶心的事
Unless your mother catch you doin' that nasty shit, though.
我妈要发现我做这种事 她一句话就能让我扔掉冰激凌
My mother caught me doing that,she made me put it down in 1 sentence:
把那玩意扔地上
Put that down on the floor
把那玩意扔了 赶紧的 我没想吃的
And you dropped that shit, quick. I wasn't gonna eat it
有谁的妈妈是拿拖鞋打你的
Anybody got them mothers that would hit you with a shoe ?
我妈扔鞋那是又快又准
I had a mother, that was so ashoed she would do at the drop of a dime.
不管在哪 她都能一下给你放倒
And fuck you up, wherever she was aiming.
扔鞋特别厉害 那鞋到了她手上就跟枪一样 她拿着鞋就跟柯林特伊斯特伍德一样
And bad with the shoe, carry that shit like a gun,my mother was like Clint Eastwood with the shoe.
你要是犯错了 她就这样走进屋
And you fucked up, my mom was walking the room just like:
为什么你要吃掉在地上的冰激凌 我没有 我只是
"Why did you eat your icecream off the floor ?""I didn't, I just..."
又快又准！
Bad ! Accurate !
你要是在超市里抓着一包麦片问你妈 妈 咱能买这个不
You'd be in a supermarket and shit and be grabbing cereals off the counter going: "Mom, can we get this ?"
我看是不行
" I guess not !"
我妈还能一心三用 跟我奶奶打着电话 做着饭
And could be doing three different things, be on the phone with my grandmother, be cooking with this
像这样夹着电话说 好的 妈妈 等一下啊
hand have the phone like this and be sayin'"Yeah, mama, hold on a second."
特别准
BAD!
一下给你放倒 我只能希望我妈妈没有穿着高跟鞋
Fuck you up and God forbid, my mother be dressed up and had them high heels on.
打人疼得很 跟个回旋镖一样朝着你屁股就去了
Them pumps, 'cos then she gets boomerang action going on your ass !
然后在你屋里一下给你放倒 你都不知道是怎么回事
And fuck you up in your room, you won't even know what the fuck happened.
当你想偷偷溜出门的时候 你妈妈都能听见
They can hear you when you're getting ready to walk out the door.
你在床上折腾穿衣服的时候她们都能听见 这叫妈妈雷达
And hear you on the bunk beds fucking around.They got that mother hearing.
等一下宝贝
"Wait a minute, baby."
走
"Let's go."
我妈是家里管我管的最严的那个
She was the one who did all the disciplining around the house and shit.
我妈把我们值得服服帖帖的
My mom fuck us up
我的家教真的特别严格
Very, very strict house I came from.
我还记得我第一次跟白人家庭接触 把我吓坏了
And I remember when I first went to my first contact with a white family, it freaked me out.
我去参加了新鲜空气基金会 记得那个不
I went to fresh air fund,never go to that?
把城里的孩子送到乡下去然后给他们整崩溃
they take kid like from city to country and fuck his mind up and shit
我在那发现白人小孩可以在家里说脏话 我人都傻了
And I was there, I found some white kids can curse around the house ! That fucked me up !
我那时候还小呢 我都不相信会有这种事
when I was little I couldn't believe that shit
我在家里说特科都不行 因为我妈妈说那听起来像是在说该死的
Coz I couldn't even say "dagg" around my house, my momma said "sounds too much like damn."
我一说错话就要受罚
I got in trouble for saying shit the wrong way around my house
我跟汤姆金德斯在他家里
I was in the house with Tom Kildez.
他妈说 汤姆 你来的有点晚了 得了吧 我走路都跟我拉屎一样快了
His mother said "Tom you're a little late. He said"Come on mom I'm moving as fast as I can shit."
我就站在那这样
And I was standing like this:
我要是在我家像这样说话 艾迪 你有点晚了
And if I tried to pull some shit like that in my house? "Ed, you're a little late !"
噢 得了吧老爸 狗屎 这算啥啊 得了吧 该死的 我爹就直接
"Oh, come on, pop, shit, what is this! Come on, damn !" My pop just go:
这小兔崽子疯了
"That motherfucker's crazy !"
我爹可不含糊
Pops didn't play,man
收拾孩子们从不留情
He didn't play when he came with the kids
但他不敢惹我妈 我妈能干废他
He ain't fuck with my mother tho,my mother will fuck him up
我妈妈和她那一辈的女人可惹不起
My mom and them sisters you don't hit
现在的女人可不能打
You can't hit sisters period
还记得以前你能打女人吗
Remember in the old days when you could beat up a woman ?
还记得20年代的电影里 男人直接扇自己的老婆的脸 她们也只是
Remember that shit back in the 20's, the guys just smacked their wives in the movies... And they just go:
你现在不能再这样了 女人们都开始健身了 她们能打傻你
You can't do shit like that no more. Women be takin' aerobics, and they'll fuck you up now !
太吓人了 尤其是黑人妞 你要是打了个黑人妞 她能疯了
It's scary too, man ! Especially a black woman. You hit a black woman she lose her mind !
真的 直接就急眼了 她平时可能还挺容易害羞的 但你要敢碰她
Seriously. They go crazy, you can have a really timid sister for a girl, and smack it be like:
你死定了 你个王八蛋 你凭什么打我！ 你居然敢打我！
"I'm gonna kill you, motherfucker ! You don't hit me like that ! You don't hit me shit !
你居然敢打我脸！我爸都舍不得打我脸
"You don't put your hands on my face ! My father don't put hands on my face
宝宝 别打了 宝宝 停 别打了别打了 求你了
"Baby, please, stop ! Baby, please... stop !Baby, hold on, stop, please !"
冷静一下 宝宝 冷静一下 你凭啥打我 你个混蛋！
"Calm down, baby, calm down !" "You don't hit me, motherfucker !"
你给我滚！
"So get the fuck out!"
把你从自己家里赶出去 你被赶出去了还是很害怕
Throw you out your own house, you be so scared you get the fuck out too.
就这回事儿 男人们都知道你被自己老婆赶出家门的时候心里会有多慌
That's some shit. You know you're scared when a woman says get the fuck out your own house and you leave.
我以前谈过一个女朋友 我给了她一巴掌 完事我还装的挺有理
I had a girlfriend once,I smacked her and got all cool and shit.
结果她更冷静 这可给我吓坏了 我直接就跑了
And then she got cool and scared me more and I just left.
我给了她一巴掌还特别大男人主义的说
Cos I slaped her and got male chauvinism
我也不想这样 宝贝 是你自找的
"I didn't want to do that shit, baby ! But you brought that shit on yourself"
别逼我再打你嗷
"Dont make me have to do it again."
她说 你说得对 是我活该
She said: "No, no I did bring it on myself."
要不你就先去睡吧
"Why don't you just go to sleep !"
吓得我立马就溜了 世道变了啊
Got the fuck out. People are changing.
男人也在变 现在的男人跟30年前相比 很多事不能做啦
Men are changing too, this shit the guys do now you couldn't do what they did 30 years ago.
要搁以前 你跟你女朋友在车里吵架 她说 让我出去
In the old days, you had an argument with your girl in the car, she say: "Let me out of here !"
男人会说 不不 不行 不能这样啊
Men would say:"No, no, we can't have any of that."
现在女人要是这么说 男人都会说 赶紧滚
And nowadays a woman say that shit,dude: "Get the fuck out !"
谁放屁了?
Somebody broke wind in here !
我本来想忍着不说的 但是肯定有谁放屁了
I've been trying like not say nothing but someone farted in this motherfucker.
这个屁的传播距离可真够远的
That's some long-distance fart too, boy.
我知道你是跟你的朋友来开心的
I know you get down with your friends have a good time.
尤其是男人 你们都知道 男人放屁也能当游戏玩
Especially fellas..ya know they play that game,they play the fart game you know.
在朋友旁边放屁还觉得贼好玩
You know you fart around your fellas and its funny.
都敢在电梯里面放屁还一直笑
Dudes be doing that they be gettin in elevators farting and laughing and shit.
太恶心了 放屁还能当游戏玩 但我觉得人们其实喜欢闻别人的屁
It's nasty ! You play the fart game. I think deep down inside people wanna smell other people's farts.
因为你总是会去闻两下 别人还先提醒你他放屁了
'Cos you smell them.And people always tell you they farted.
别人说 我放屁了啊 你不赶紧走 还站那闻一下 诶你还真放了
They say: "I farted." You don't leave, you pause a second. "Yeah, you did !"
因为你下意识的就是想闻闻这个屁有多臭
'cos in the back of your mind you wanna grade the fart.
要是真的很臭 等两年过去了 你还会说
'cos if it smells bad enough,two years later you be going:
你还记得你两年前放的那个臭屁吗
"Remember that fart you made, two years ago ?"
这个放屁游戏 从你小时候你家里就在玩了
The fart game you play.Starts off around the house when you're little.
你爸教你的
Your father introduces you to it.
本来一个周六的早上 你老老实实的在那看动画呢 你爹跑过来放了个屁
You'd be sitting in the house on a Saturday morning,watching cartoons and your father make a fart and:
还说呢 不是我放的啊 是你妈放的
"That wasn't me, that was your mother."
诶唷 宝贝宝贝 我不想跟你过了 你放屁也太臭了 这啥啊
"Oh, baby, baby ! I want a divorce, uh !You're rotten, baby, shit !"
你妈会说 别闹了
And you mother go: stop
然后你也开始了 把你的小弟弟拿过来 在他头上放屁 你玩过这招吗
And you join in, grab your little brother,sit on his head and fart. You ever do that?
老有意思的 你弟弟马上就傻眼了 啊啊啊啊
That's a fun game, you little brother freak out and go: "Waaah"
你爸还会在旁边说呢 这是放屁游戏 早晚你也会玩的
And your father goes: "It's the fart game,you'll play one day son."
这个放屁游戏 你肯定也会跟你的好朋友玩
The fart game, you get your best friend in on that shit too.
你可以趁你的好朋友正看球赛的走过去对着他的脸放屁
You can walk up to your best friend while he's watching a football game and fart in his face.
他都不会生气
He won't even get mad.
他只会说 行吧 你成功了
He just go: "Ok, you got me."
你这机会抓的还挺好 我刚才还张着嘴呢 你放屁的时候我张着嘴呢
"That was a good one, too ! My mouth was open. My mouth was open on that !"
我眼角有个疤 现在还有 就是因为在浴缸里玩放屁游戏伤到的
I got a scar, over my eye till this day from playing the fart game in the bathtub.
我和我哥经常这么玩 我们家里穷 玩不起吹泡泡 我们就放屁玩
Me and my big brother used to play it. We were poor,we didn't have mr. bubble, we played the fart game.
咋这么臭呢
"I think it's smelly !"
玩过那个特种部队玩具吗
Ever hold you G.I.Joe
我是我特种部队 我在水里游泳~
"I'm G.I Joe, I'm swimming on the water..."
特种部队要去寻找神秘泡泡的源头
And G.I.joe want to find out where the bubbles is coming from
来到了海底看一看
Stand on the bottom of the ocean
他开始往探索神秘泡泡的源头洞穴
So he started to venture into the cave found where they came
特种部队卡在洞穴里了 他卡里面了
And G.I.Joe got stuck And G.I.Joe got stuck in the water
而且我哥就坐在浴缸的另一头 开始拉屎了
And my big brother was sitting in the other end of the tub, and made shit in the tub.
他想让这个游戏更刺激一点
He wanted to add some excitement to the game.
他说 然后一条棕色的鲨鱼游过来了
He said: "And then a big brown shark came."
我从水里跳出来大喊 啊啊啊啊啊
I jumped up and said: "Aaaaah."
眼角直接撞倒了肥皂碟 血直接流我一脸
Cut my eye on the soap dish, blood gushing out my face and shit.
还在那尖叫着 我妈赶紧跑到浴室
Screaming, my mother ran in the bathroom.
看我哥哥坐在那手里还拿着一块屎
Seeing my big brother sittin in the bathroom with a piece of shit in his hand.
我躺在水里 眼角在流血
I was layin at the bottom of the water with blood gushing outta my eye...
而且特种部队的玩具夹在我屁股里
And G.I. Joe up my ass...
我妈说 你俩在这鼓捣什么玩意儿呢
My mother: "What the fuck is going on over here ?"
你知道啥东西很有趣吗
You know what would be good?
我能不能借个相机 有人带相机了吗
Can I hold somebody's camera.Anybody bring a camera?
这个是一按就能照的吧
Does its flash go immediately?
不用像我阿姨那样 等一下啊
Like I don't have to be waiting like my aunt and shit "Wait a second now !"
有过这事吗 摆半天造型结果还得等闪光
Ever do that? you be posing your ass off like this,you aunt be going waited the flash
按下快门但是没有用 还搁那说呢 出了一点问题
Then try to press it and the shit don't work they be going like: "There's something wrong with it..."
能马上拍是吧 你确定吧 我想拍一张观众的照片留作纪念
And it go immediately the flash. Are you sure?I'll take a picture of the crowd, for myself.
你们能都往这边站一下吗
OK, y'all come over here on this now ?
我要拍两张
You know ? I'll take two of them.
这个不是傻瓜相机啊
This ain't no instamatic motherfucker !
我还得等闪光
I got to wait for the flash and shit !
你看 这东西还得等 我就该给你砸咯
See you got me waiting I should break your shit.
后边坐着的那个哥们不满意了 花了这么多钱可不是来看你拍照片的
See the brothers sitting in the back go:"All this money and he taking motherfucking pictures !"
我要是想被人拍照片 我直接去偷车不行吗 你个蠢驴
"I want my picture took, I'd steal a car motherfucker!"
嘿 哥们 我说了只能拍一张照片
"Hey, man, I said one fuckin' picture !"
你要把我的胶卷都浪费了 赶紧给我 你个蠢驴
"You're going to ruin my fucking film, man. Come on, shit !"
你以为自己是谁啊?
"Who the fuck do you think you are, man !"
我看你怎么跟照相馆的人解释最后一张照片
I'll see you explain the last one to the guy at the Photomat.
这是艾迪墨菲的迪克照片
"That's a picture of Eddie Murphy's dick..."
你知道什么样的照片好看不 请所有的男士都站起来
You know what would be a good picture? Can all the brothers stand up ?
观众席上的所有男士 站起来 都站起来
All the brothers in the audience? Straight up ! Everybody up !
都站起来 我是认真的 你们都坐着干啥 都给我站起来 起立！
Straight up ! I'm serious ! What the fuck are you doing ?Will you, motherfucker stand up ? Up !
所有的女士都拿出相机
And all the ladies get the cameras up.
咱们得把这张照片拍好啊
We're gonna set the record straight here.
当我说冲
When I say go...
每个男人把自己的迪克掏出来 然后大喊 啊啊啊啊啊
...everybody whip out their dick and go: "Wuuuhaaa"
看看那些白人哥们坐下的多快
Look how fast the white dudes sat down.
坐的贼快
Sat down quick
有一些还站着的 你肯定是意大利人
Some of them still standing.Y'all must be italian !
咱们裤兜里是有货的
We got some shit on us.
那是相当有
We got all this shit!
都直接垂下去了
We got some dicks hanging down !
都能直接垂到这
Dicks down to this motherfucker !
你不信
You don't believe it.
白人们都不信 但有趣的是 这个谣言还是白人编造的
White people don't believe it. What's funny about it,white people are the ones that made up the rumor.
你知道不 都说黑人身藏巨器 但是我不信
"You know, black people have tremendous dicks,but I don't believe it !"
你知道在非洲发现的第一个迪克化石吗 在土里面发现特别大的一个
You know remains of the first dick was found in Africa ?Big ass piece of bone dick on the floor.
这是啥玩意 这是个早就风干了的迪克
"What is this shit ?""It's an old dried up dick."
这说明第一个迪克是属于黑人的
"That means the first dick belonged to a black man."
迪克 这方面我们是真的行
Dicks. We got the shit for it.
而且我们的屁股也好看 特别好看
We got nice asses, too. We got our shit on.
你们要是看见一个白人男穿这身衣服
You see a white dude would be in this suit like this.
行了 哥们 行了
"All right, man ! All right, maaan !"
我有个朋友 道格 他就在那呢 他的屁股都翘到这了
I got a friend, Doug, there go Doug, my friend,Doug's ass is way up here on his back.
对吧 道格 道格拉屎都能沾到衣领上
Ain't it, Doug? Doug be getting shit stains on his collar.
他在餐馆拿钱包的时候 让我拿一下我的钱包啊
And in restaurants be reaching for his wallet:"Lemme get my wallet"
我们的屁股就是挺好看的 黑人们都这样
Coz we got our shit hooked,all this is hooked up with black people.
中国人这方面就不行 因为他们迪克小屁股也平
Chinese people are fucked all around,coz they got little dicks and little asses.
确实 而且他们走路的方式也不咋好看
They do and its fucked up the way they walk.
走起来都轻飘飘的 因为下面没啥东西坠着
They be walking all light coz they ain't got no shit pulling them down.
黑人的迪克太大了 走路都没法保持平衡 只能这样走
Now, a brother's dick is too big it fucks up his balance so he'd have to do all this shit..
你见到一个黑人坐轮椅不一定是因为他瘸了
Everytime you see a brother in a wheel chair he ain't always cripple.
因为他那玩意都垂到这了
He's got big shit hanging down !
这就是保智商的黑人模特都不能只穿内裤的原因 想想吧
That's why all the brothers model they drawers in the newspapers. Think 'bout it.
我每周日早上都看报纸 有个白人老哥穿着内裤
I've been seeing newspapers every sunday morning.A white dude in his drawers...
隔着内裤都看不出来有蛋蛋
Never have no balls in they drawers.
还在那笑 我要是那样我肯定笑不出来
Smiling and shit. If I had no balls I wouldn't be smiling this shit.
我没有迪克
"I don't have any dick !"
黑人们要是拍那个内裤模特的照片 都得再加一页照片
Brother be standing there..if a brother models his drawers they need an extra fold in the page.
他们在卖内衣但是这个黑鬼的迪克都跑我咖啡里来了
They're selling underwear but this niggers dick is in my coffee.
需要我帮你搅一下吗?
"Want me stir it for you ?"
这都是真的
That's some true shit.
今天几号啊
What's today's date ?
17号 17号啊
seventeen seventeen
夏天还没过去呢
Got a little bit more little bit more summer and shit
别出去野炊啊
Don't go to cook-outs.
我恨那些野炊的
I hate cook-outs man.
别出去野炊 你要是我的粉丝的话就别去
Stay away from cook-outs, if you're like me stay away.
我讨厌我那些亲戚来我家 自从上次野炊以后就没见过他们
I don't like my family come by the house, with the relatives I ain't seen since the last cook-out.
你肯定会有些亲戚只有野炊的时候才能见到
You got certain relatives you just see at the cook-out.
而且他们每年都能把你气坏了
And they get on your fuckin nerves every year.
我叔叔格斯每年都来我家
My uncle Gus come by the house every year.
他特别喜欢去鼓捣烤炉去
My uncle Gus is the uncle that likes to work the grill.
而且只要他在 就不让别人碰烤炉
And don't let nobody touch the grill when he's around and shit.
每次他一来就这样
As as soon as he walks in the house its like:
离烤炉远点 你根本不知道该怎么生火
"Get away from that grill you dunna know how to start a fire"
你不会生火 把这个火灭了 这根本就不是火
"You dunna start no fire, put this fire out. This ain't no fire goddamnit."
艾迪 艾迪过去那边砍柴火 我要半棵树的量 把那颗树砍了
"Eddie. Eddie go over there get all of that wood I need half a tree. Chop that tree."
把那颗树砍了 给我砍柴
"Chop down that tree and give me the wood."
然后查理你去那屋给我拿两加仑的汽油
"And Charlie go get me 2 gallons of gasoline out the shed."
俩加仑的汽油 孩子们把袖子挽起来 咱们要生火了
"Two gallons of gasoline, you kids roll up your shirt we're gonna start a fire."
赶紧的 想吃饭不 想不想吃饭
"Come on, you wanna eat? You wanna eat?."
想吃就闭上嘴然后把木头扔火里
"Then shut up and put it on the fire."
行 把柴火放那边去
"O.k. put that wood on the side there."
好的查理 把汽油给我
"O.k. gimme the gasoline Charlie."
先别扔火柴 等我让你扔了你再扔汽油上 听懂没
"Hold the match, when I tell you throw the match on the gasoline all right?"
等我让你扔你再扔啊 我们要生火了 然后就能吃饭了
"When I tell you right? We gonna make a fire.We gonna eat.
现在开始 像这样把汽油倒下去
"Here we go pour the gasoline on like this."
我们需要全.. 把那个打火机液给我拿一边去 咱不用那狗屁东西
"We need the whole 2...get that goddamn lighter fluid out of here we can't use that shit."
把这两加仑汽油浇柴火上
"Using all the 2 gallons gasoline on this wood."
然后生火 咱就能吃汉堡了 懂不
"And make a fire, we're gonna eat a hamburger o.k.?"
开始 查理扔火柴
"Here we go, Charlie throw the match."
这才叫生火呢
"NOW THAT"S A FIRE!"
这才叫火 看看 都看看
"That's a fire, look at that, look at that."
他没事的 把查理在地上滚一圈 滚一圈就好了
"He be alright, roll Charlie 'round, roll him around."
我叔叔格斯娶了我阿姨邦尼 我阿姨邦尼有胡子
And uncle Gus is married to my aunt Bunny.My aunt Bunny got a moustache and shit !
你们认识长胡子的女士不 在她二十岁的时候还挺酷的
You know one of them lady moustaches?It was really cool, back when she was 20.
女士们有点稀疏的小胡子
Ladies had them little thin ones and shit.
但等她们到了四十五岁就跟我阿姨邦尼一样 那胡子长得像比利迪威廉姆斯一样
Then when they get about 45 like aunt Bunny they be havin' a Billy Dee Williams' look.
那胡子比男人的还茂盛
The shit is bigger than a man's and shit !
邦尼阿姨差不多有300磅重
Aunt Bunny weight like 300 pounds.
250磅吧 特别胖 小孩子们都怕她
Like 250, real heavy lady and shit.And the kids were scared of her.
你们知道小孩的逻辑 我还记得我阿姨邦尼来我家的时候
You got that kid logic going.I remember my aunt Bunny come by the house.
就这样
It was like.
真的很吓人 因为她总想亲亲我摸摸我
I was petrified coz she always wanted to kiss me and touch me and some shit.
只要她走到门口说 过来让邦尼阿姨亲一下 小宝贝
Soon as she walked on the door was like:"Come here and give aunt Bunny a kiss, baby."
然后你就 哇啊啊
Then you go: "Waaaaa!"
我妈还问呢 你咋不亲亲邦尼阿姨啊
And your mom would say:"Why don't you go and kiss your aunt Bunny ?"
小孩才不管那么多呢 他们会说 她有胡子！
Kids don't give a fuck, they go:"She's got a moustache !"
为啥小孩子哭的时候总是走得那么慢
Why do kids move so slow when they be crying?
别在那吵吵了
"Stop making all that noise !"
我让你安静点
" I said shut up !"
你妈打了你之后你还会生气 在卧室一个人嘟嘟囔囔的咒她
You be mad coz your mother hit you. You be standing there wishing hateful shit on your mother.
有这么做过没有 在卧室
Ever do that? in the bedroom going
老天爷把她带走吧
"God please kill her !"
来个泥头车给她chuang死吧
"I hope she gets hit by a truck and die !"
我恨她 我讨厌她
"I hate her ! I hate her !I hate her ! I hate her !"
把嘴给我闭上不然我就给你一顿暴打
Shut up or I'll come and give you something to cry about.
然后我爸说话了 我爸每年七月四号野炊的时候都会生气
Then my pop starts talking. And my pop is fucked up every 4th of July !Every cook out"
黑人们喝醉了总是喜欢说房子的事情
Black men like to claim the house when they're drunk.
我觉得这时候他们都喜欢谈论房子
Men period I think, like to claim their house.
他们想让你知道 要是大家都喝醉了 你又在别人家里 你得清楚那不是自己家
They want you to know that if you drunk and they're drunk. And you in their house, that it's their house.
我爸站在聚会的中间大喊 这是我的房子！
My father standing in the middle of the cook-out saying: "It's my house !"
听见没有 要是你觉得这房子不好 就给我滚出去
"You know that it is ? And if you don't like it, you get the fuck out !"
我才不管你是谁
"I don't give a fuck !"
我不在乎那个 这房子是我买的
"I don't give a... I pay the motherfucker bills in this motherfucker !"
而且 嘿 你要是觉得这房子不好 来亲我的屁股
"And, hey... Kiss my ass if you don't like it !"
没错 混蛋 听见我说话没
"Yes ! Yes, motherfucker, yes !"'cos you know what it is?
我喝多了咋的 我高兴! 我就喝多了 能怎么滴 我就是喝多了！
I'm drunk. So what? Beautiful ! I'm drunk.I'm drunk ! So what? I'm drunk.
知道不 我是在自己家的厨房喝多的
"You know what ?I got drunk in my motherfucking kitchen,
我是在自己家喝的自己杯子里的酒！
I was drinking out of my glass in my motherfucker house."
所以去他的
"So, fuck it !"
然后他就开始全家人挨个数落 格斯 格斯 我问你个问题嗷
Then he attacks the whole family, like:"Gus ! Gus, can I ask you a question?"
过来 我问你点问题 我问你事呢格斯
Come here,let ask you some question gus,gus I'm asking you question
为啥这火生这么大
"Why is the fire so big ?"
你把火生这么大干啥 看看这玩意 真的就离谱 格斯！
"Why you made the fire so big ? Look at this shit !Is a motherfucker ridiculous, Gus !"
这火也太他喵大了 为啥啊？
"The fire is too motherfucker big ! Why ?
你每年都来 格斯
You're coming in every motherfuckin' year, Gus..."
而且每年都巴不得给我院子点了 为啥啊？
"...and you burn out my motherfucker backyard ! Why ?"
怎么着 我做的汉堡有那么大?
"I'm cooking motherfucker hamburgers this big ?"
老子又不是在拿恐龙肉做汉堡！
"I'm not cookin' no motherfucking brontosaurus burgers in this motherfucker !"
这又不是在拍摩登原始人呢 这是我家 你个混蛋
"This ain't the motherfucking Flintstones, Gus !It's my house, motherfucker !"
你看看查理 都三级烧伤了
"Look at Charlie standing over there with 3rd degree burns on em."
你这是给他吃手雷了?
eating a motherfucking frag
火生这么大有用吗 你真的是过分了格斯
"It doesn't make sense no.But you take things too far Gus."
真的给脸不要
You take things too far
真的是得寸进尺了 有完没完
"I tell you go an inch, you go 3 inches.Tell you go 4 inches you go 5."
给你个绳子你是不是就以为自己是牛仔了啊?
"Give a nigga rope gonna be a cowboy Gus."
咋就听不懂人话啊 艾迪 让你那条狗离我盘子远点
"Why don't you listen. Eddie, get that motherfucking dog away from my plate."
我要弄死这条狗
"I'm gonna shoot this dog."
我要弄死这个混球狗 把嘴给我闭上 我非得弄死它 别哭了
"I'm gonna shoot this mother... shut up.I'm gonna shoot it. Stop crying."
别哭了艾迪 再哭就给我滚出去
"Stop crying Eddie, cuz you can get the fuck out."
你给我滚出去 我知道你才七岁
"You're gettin' the fuck...I know you're seven !"
但是你将成为一个无家可归的只能遛狗的七岁小孩
"But you'll be a seven year old walkin' the dog no house motherfucker !"
听懂我意思没 这房子是我的你个混蛋
You know it?you konw it is,cos this is mine motherfucker
我恨死这条臭狗了
"I hate this motherfucking dog."
你求着要养狗
cos you asked for the dog
你不花时间陪它
"You don't spend time with the dog Eddie."
也不知道喂
"You don't feed the motherfucker."
你也不逗它 你甚至连这条狗叫啥都不知道 是不是
"You don't pet it. You don't even know what the fuck the dogs name is anymore do you"
这狗也不知道自己叫啥名字 这狗都三岁了 还不知道自己叫啥
"The dog don't give a fuck he don't know his name. The dog is 3 yrs old dont know his name."
看好了啊 coco 这狗往哪去呢?
"Watch this: Coco ! Where the fuck is it goin' ?
这狗真的是太蠢了 因为你都不花时间陪它
The dog's stupid !'cos you don't spend time with the motherfucker."
我在外面辛苦工作了一天回来还得帮你喂狗?
I'm supposed to work hard all day and come home to feed the motherfucking dog ?
想都别想 我才不喂这狗东西
Fuck no, I'm not feeding the motherfucker !"
你知道不艾迪 当家里没别人的时候
"You know Eddie, when nobody's home."
就我自己在家的时候你知道我干啥不
"When nobody's home you know what I do?"
我走到那狗跟前然后狠狠的揍他一顿
"I walk to the dog and I kick the motherfucker !"
手边有什么就用什么 打完了我就在旁边笑
"I kick the motherfucker with everything I got, Eddie !And then I giggle my motherfucking ass off."
我恨死这条臭狗了 它拉屎你从来不管 你就不能铲了?
"'cos I hate the motherfucker !'cos you don't clean up behind it !Why can't you clean up the motherfucker
这又不是史努比
"This ain't Scooby-Doo motherfucker !"
你就不能收拾一下?
"Why can't you clean the dog."
这狗满屋子拉屎 没人跟你说你就不管
"The dog shits all over the house.If noone tells you Eddie you dont clean the shit."
你就让那屎一只留在那
"You let the shit stay forever."
那坨屎在家里呆了得有六个月了 艾迪
"Shit been in the den for 6 months Eddie."
整整六个月 你们经过的时候就跟没看见一样
It's been in the den for 6 months, you kids go pass it you act like you don't see it.
不跟你说你就不知道清理了?
"And unless you're told you won't clean the shit."
那狗屎现在硬得像块石头 现在摆在那跟个家具一样
"The shit is hard as a rock now ! It's like motherfuckin furniture in there !"
我上周在那看比赛 我说去他的 就把酒放在那坨狗屎上面
"I went in there last week to watch the fight,and said fuck it I put my drink on top of it Eddie"
那玩意都成了个咖啡桌了 你咋就不能收拾一下呢!
"It's a coffee table now !Why can't you clean up shit ?"
我朋友过来都说 嘿 还挺可爱 一点也不好看 那就是一坨屎!
"My friends come over and they oh that's lovely. It's not lovely it's a piece of shit."
因为我的孩子都不听话!
"'Cos my children don't listen !"
然后我阿姨邦尼就会从楼梯上摔下来 基本上每年都摔
Then my aunt Bunny would fall down the steps.Almost every year.
有没有看过肥婆从楼梯上摔下来? 那动静老大了
Ever had a heavy set aunt fall down the steps?Make a whole lotta fucking noise !
而且还吓人 因为她边摔边在那喊耶稣
It's scary, too, 'cos they'll be calling Jesus on the way down !
而且她不会跟小孩一样直接摔下去
And aunts don't like to fall straight down the steps like a kid,
她们会试着抓个什么东西好不摔下去
They be trying to break the fall and hold it and stop the shit.
所以一摔一般就是半个小时
And that's what makes the fall take a half hour then.
声音特别大
Real loud, like:
主啊 耶稣基督啊 帮帮我 求你了耶稣 求你了
"Lord, Jesus Christ, help my lord,please, Jesus, please !"
主啊耶稣啊帮帮我我就要摔下楼了主啊基督耶稣啊帮帮我啊~~~
"Jesus, God, help, my lord, Jesus, help me I'm falling down the steps oh lord Jesus Christ please !"
诶唷我的鞋
"My shoe !"
诶唷老天爷啊救命啊
"Oh lord Jesus God help us !"
我都摔下去一半了耶稣啊快帮我啊
"I'm half way down now help my lord Jesus !"
莉莉安 这是谁这么吵啊 什么动静
"Lilian !""What is all that fuckin' noise ?!"
莉莉安 那个臭娘们又从楼梯上摔下来了!
"Lilian ! The bitch is falling down the steps again !"
莉莉安 莉莉安 怎么啦 邦尼
"Lilian ! Lilian !" "What's wrong, Bunny ?"
我从楼梯上摔下来啦
"I fell down the steps !"
邦尼摔下楼了 邦尼又摔下楼了!
"Bunny fell down the steps ! Bunny fell down the steps !"
艾迪 快去拿点东西来给你邦尼阿姨冰敷一下额头
Eddie, go get your aunt Bunny something cool for her head !"
发生什么了 邦尼从楼上摔下来了
"What happened ?" "Bunny fell down the steps !"
嘿 查理 邦尼阿姨又从楼上摔下来啦
"Hey, Charlie ! Aunt Bunny fell down the steps !"
格斯 你媳妇到底是有什么毛病?
"Gus ! What the fuck is wrong with your wife ?"
那么平的楼梯都能摔倒? 你们俩每年都来 格斯
"Why can't she walk the fryer steps? You come up every fuckin' year, Gus..."
然后你点火烧了我的后院 你媳妇再砸烂我的楼梯
"... and you burn down my motherfucker backyard and your wife rips down the steps !"
到底是为啥啊? 我这么努力工作把这个家弄得漂漂亮亮的
"Why ? I work hard to get my place beautiful..."
然后这个死肥婆就过来把我的楼梯砸烂
"...and then the motherfucker come over and rips the steps down !"
你看看这楼梯 砸稀碎 格斯!
"Look at the motherfucker steps ! They're fucked up, Gus !"
她为啥总能摔下去啊? 你知道为啥不?
"Why can't she walk the steps ?You know why she can't walk the steps ?"
因为她是个浑身汗毛的肥婆 这就是原因!
"'cos she's a fat hairy bitch !That's why !"
就是因为这个 格斯! 而且我的孩子们都特别怕你老婆
"That's why, Gus ! And my children are afraid of your wife."
艾迪就特别怕她 你老婆吓得他做噩梦!
"Eddie's afraid of her ! He has nightmares about your wife !"
我上周去他的房间 格斯 他正在那喊呢 噢 救命啊 救救我
I went to his room last week, Gus, he was in the bed screaming, Oh, help me, help me !"
我就走过去 把他摇醒 问他 怎么了 他说 邦尼阿尼要来抓我了!
"I just walk up to him, shake him, ask: What's wrong ? He said: Aunt Bunny is coming to get me !"
他特别怕你老婆 因为那娘们的胡子比她爹还茂盛!
"He's afraid of your wife, 'cos she has a bigger moustache than his father !"
但是你知道怎么回事不 格斯 我想明白你老婆是啥情况了 我来告诉你
But you know what it is, Gus ! I figured out about your wife. And I'm gonna say it..
我媳妇 我才不鸟她 叫她把嘴给我闭上
And my wife,I don't give a fuck about my wife, cos she can shut the fuck up
你告诉你
I'm gonna tell you something
我想明白了 我知道你在哪碰见你老婆的了
I figured out about your wife.I know where you met your wife.
你告诉我你是在十五年前的一次露营上遇见她的
You told me you met your wife 15 years ago on a motherfucking camping trip...
而且你老婆是波多黎各人 她才不是什么波多黎各人
"...and that your wife was portorican.Your wife ain't no motherfucker portorican !"
我第一次见她就看出来了 因为我走过去跟她说 嗨 我的名字是弗农
"I thought she wasn't from the first minute 'cos I walked up to her I said: "Hi, my name is Vernon."
结果她说 你好 我是邦尼 咕尼咕咕
And she said: "Hello, I'm Bunny. Guni gugu !"
咕尼咕咕是什么鬼东西啊? 格斯
"What the fuck does guni gugu mean, Gus ?"
我到现在都不知道那是什么意思 我还以为我学了个西班牙语
"I don't know what the fuck that shit is as to this day. I thought I learned some new spanish shit !"
我跟我的朋友桑切斯说 嘿桑切斯 咕尼咕咕 结果他让我滚
I went up to my friend: "Hey, Sanchez ! Guni gugu !And Sanchez says: "Get the fuck outta here !"
这么多年过去了我还是很疑惑
I've been walking around for years confused.
然后我终于想明白了 你老婆是啥 还有你在哪碰见她的
And I finally figured out about your wife,where you met your wife.
你才不是在什么狗屁露营上认识她的
"You didn't meet your motherfucker wife on no camping trip !"
你老婆就是个大脚怪 是不是 格斯?
"Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn't she, Gus ?"
你老婆就是个大脚怪 肯定是 要不然她哪来那么多胡子
"Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn't she, that's why the bitch's mustache is so motherfucker thick !"
你把这家伙身上的毛都剃了还教她说话
"'Cos you shaved the bitch down and taught it to speak !"
我看到大脚怪肯定是能认出来的
"I know a motherfuckin' Bigfoot when I see one !"
你把一个大脚怪领我家来 格斯? 还让她跟我的孩子接触?
"You bring a Bigfoot in my home, Gus ?On my children ?"
这肥婆话说不好 走个楼梯都费劲 你还没把她训练好呢 格斯!
The bitch can't talk, she can't walk the fryer steps ! She's not trained well, Gus !"
虽然她不会走楼梯 但我敢打赌她爬树特别厉害 是不是啊 格斯?
She can not walk steps. I bet she climb the fuck out a tree though, don't she, Gus ?"
肯定是吧 我没说错吧
"Doesn't she ? Doesn't she ?"
赶紧把她带出去
"But you had to bring her out here !"
去她的 你的孩子也是大脚怪 至少是半个大脚怪 格斯
Fuck her ! And your motherfucker children? They're Bigfeet too ! They're half Bigfoot, Gus.
这几个小兔崽子才六岁 就已经有43的脚了
"Cos the m.f. is 6 yrs old and have afros 17 inches long."
而且汗毛长的跟他们妈妈一样
"They're little hairy m.f. just like their mother."
看看这几个小兔崽子 知道我是怎么发现他们也是大脚怪的不
Look at the motherfuckers, you know how I found out they was bigfoot?
当我反应过来你老婆是个大脚怪的时候
When I realize your wife was a big foot
上周我带着你的孩子去钓鱼
When I took your kids fishing last week.
我带着他们上船
I put the motherfuckers in the boat Gus.
然后我往鱼钩上放鱼饵
And I took the worm and I put it on the hooks.
他们都坐在那 然后船就往那边歪了
And they both sat there, and put the poles down in the boat.
然后把脸埋到水里得有两分钟
And slammed their face in the water, for 2 mins.
我还纳闷呢他们干啥呢
And I think what the fuck are these kids doin.
突然他们就开始这样摇头
Then they start movin their heads like this
然后就把鱼咬上来了
and the motherfuckers come up with fish.
给我吓一跳 你敢相信这种屁事?
I jumped back and said can you believe this motherfuckin shit.
然后那孩子把嘴里的鱼拿出来 看着他的兄弟说 咕尼咕咕
Then kid took the fish out of his mouth, looked at his brother and said: "Guni gugu !"
我说 这到底是怎么一回事啊?
"I said, what the fuck is going on here ?"
正常的孩子哪能干出来这种事 但是我告诉你这蠢驴一些事嗷
"Normal kids don't do shit like that, Gus !But I'll tell you somethin' motherfucker !"
你可以带你那毛茸茸的长白胡子的肥婆媳妇一起滚了
You can take your motherfucker hairy fat ass white mustache bitch out the fuck.
你还可以先上楼去把那个该死的狗 铲起来那坨屎
"you can go upstairs and get the motherfuckin' dog and scoop up the shit..."
然后再带上艾迪还有你那几个脚长的熊孩子
"and take Eddie and get these motherfucker long Angela Davis afro-ware motherfucker kids of yours...
把他们都放到你那个咕尼咕咕的车上面 一起滚
"...and put them in the motherfucker guni gugu-mobile and get the fuck out !"
要是我的媳妇觉得这样不行 那她也给我滚出去好了
"And if my wife don't like it she can get the fuck out too !"
没打中 你个臭婆娘
"You missed me, bitch !"
谢谢
Thank you !
哦 耶稣啊
Oh, Jesus.
哦 我去 我在华盛顿呢
Oh, shit... I'm in Washington D.C. !
老天爷啊
Jesus ! Christ !
雷根就搁这片住着呢 离得不远
This is where Reagan lives. Not far from here.
嘿雷根 大家都嘘你呢 我可啥都没说啊
Hey Ron everyone's booing and I ain't said shit.
啥很烂?
What sucks?
雷根经济学很烂?
Reaganomics sucks?
说点大家都不知道的 你个蠢驴
Well, tell us something we don't know, motherfucker !
又不会搞得有几个人纳闷说 真的那么烂吗? 我咋不知道
It ain't like people sit around going "Really does it suck? I didn't know"
世道变了 现在都有黑人政客了
Shit's changing though, we got black politicians now.
那哥们叫啥来着 哈罗德华盛顿
Who's that boy... Harold Washington ?
哈罗德华盛顿说 去他的 然后就赢了
Harold Washington said: "Fuck it !" And won.
我知道他还坐在那纳闷呢 我就这么赢了?
I know he's still sitting around going: "I really won the motherfucker?"
杰西杰克逊看到这个结果说 我干 老子也要去竞选 管他呢
And Jesse Jackson seen that shit and said: "Fuck it, imma run too, fuck it"
杰西你能赢 有的哥们就开始喊了
"Jesse you can win" i see these brothers going.
你能赢得杰西 你可比那个哈罗德华盛顿强多了
"You can win Jesse, coz you're bigger than motherfucking Harold Washington."
去他的哈罗德华盛顿
"Fuck Harold Washington."
让他上一边去 咱竞选总统!
"Fuck him man, run for president."
然后杰西说 没毛病 就这么干
And Jesse going: "Yeah, fuck that shit."
我有次在健身房看见杰西 在那努力锻炼 为了给自己塑形
I've seen Jesse in the gym, working the fuck out, too, for getting into shape.
你们也知道 他要是有机会 就能赢了 白人们喜欢这么做
You know he got a chance he can win. White dudes like to do shit like that...
他们故意给那个不行的人投票图一乐
...vote for the wrong dude as a goof.
他们喝多了然后说 咱们去给杰西杰克逊投票吧
They get drunk and shit and go like: "Let's vote for Jesse Jackson !"
我刚给杰西杰克逊投票啦
"I just voted for Jesse Jackson !"
结果第二天就傻眼了 他居然赢了?
And next day would be like this: "He fuckin' won?"
杰西知道有这种可能 所以他就去健身 练习跑步
Jesse knows that shit can happen. He gets in shape. I've seen him running round the track and shit.
我说 你这么练跑步干啥 他说 我将成为第一个黑人总统
I said: "Why the fuck you getting in shape like this?" He says: ""cos I'm gonna be the first black president."
我演讲的时候得这样 我的美国同胞们 作为你们的总统我觉得
"I have to give speeches like this: My fellow americans ! As your president I feel
我们要是携手同心
if we stick together and join hands
你们看后面那几个混蛋好像不满意啊
Are you watch the motherfuckers back there? cos they don't look happy about the shit
白人们就这样
And dude be going:
他一直跑来跑去的!
"He won't stand still !"
我才不在乎那些种族歧视的狗屁
I ain't hooked up into all that racism shit.
我的座右铭是 人活着就为了图一乐
My motto is, life just be happy with the motherfuckers.
我对那些种族歧视的东西不感兴趣
I ain't into all that racism shit.
现在的歧视也没有之前那么严重了 虽然依旧存在
Racism ain't as bad as it used to be anyway man..I mean its fucked up but,
但他们不说黑奴了
They don't call niggers, niggers no more and shit.
白人们不再这么说了
White people don't say it.
尤其是身边有黑人的时候 所以说了我也不知道
Especially when there's niggas around. So I guess I wouldn't know it.
我跑到德州去调查种族歧视 大概两月前吧
I went to Texas to look into racism,about two months ago.
我在德州有一场表演 我刚下飞机 就开始找哪有种族歧视
I had a show down in Texas, got off the plane and shit, walked up looking for racism.
我朋友总是跟我说 你最好别去德州 他们能干废你
My friends always told me: "You better not go to Texas ! They'll fuck you up !"
但要是让现在的黑人们听见了 得说 啥玩意? 他们谁也别想碰！
And when a modern day brother here that shit "What ! They ain't fucking nobody up!"
有的黑人表现的好像回到两百年前他们不会是黑奴一样
Brothers act like they couldn't have been slaves back 200 years ago.
也不是说有人喜欢奴隶制
It isn't like motherfuckers liked that shit.
我希望我是个黑奴 我肯定得干废个白人!
"I wish I was a slave; I would fuck somebody up!"
狗屎 还跟我说去捆什么狗屁棉花
"Shit..tell me to bale some motherfucking cotton."
我在那时候应该正在街头晃悠呢
"I would have been on the street and shit..
有人跑过来跟我说 嘿 你这个黑鬼去把棉花给我捆好
"He would came up and say ey yo nigga bale this cotton?"
我会说过来给我遛鸟吧你这奴隶主
"I'd say suck my dick master."
给我遛鸟吧你
"Suck my motherfucking dick."
没错 我才不去捆什么狗屁棉花
"That's right I ain't baling a motherfucker."
第一个从穿上下来的哥们说
The first dude that got off the boat said that shit.
去捆棉花去
"Bale that cotton."
滚一边去 你个混蛋
"Fuck you, motherfucker !"
其他的人就会说 我们会去捆棉花 你把那个东西拿远点就行
Other motherfuckers say: "We bale the shit,just keep that shit away."
把那个东西拿开 离我远点
"Just keep that fuckin' shit away from me."
我下了飞机以后 在路上正走呢
I got of the motherfucking plane, walked up,
拿着包在路上正走呢
Got up, walked up, my bag.
所有东西都是黑的 黑皮衣 巨大的勋章戴在胸口
All my black shit on, black leather, big ass medallion and shit on like this.
一个小矮个白人走过来问 这是你的包吗
Little white dude walk up and say: "This your bag?"
我说 是的 就是老子的
I said: "Yes, my fuckin' bag !"
咋了混球 黑人就不能用行李箱是吧
"Why, motherfucker ? A black man can't have a suitcase ?"
然后这哥们就这样 这家伙有什么毛病?
And the dude is like:"What the fuck's wrong with this guy ?"
也没说的那么坏嘛
Wasn't that bad at all.
这家伙给我喘的 有点透不过气了
I'm winded.I'm out of breath.
满身大汗
Sweating and shit.
把衣服脱了 闭嘴臭娘们
"Do take it off!" "Shut up, bitch!!"
你们都不知道我还会腹语吧
Y'all didn't know I was a ventriloquist too.
现在没有以前那么糟了
Shit ain't as bad as it used to be.
你们知道现在谁比较惨吗 中国人
You know who get it real bad now? Chinese people.
他们才是真的被欺负的比较惨
They are the ones who be getting fucked over bad.
你可能嘲笑过他们啥的
You be teasin' them and shit.
有没有去中餐厅正点菜的时候
Ever go into a restaurant and order up some food.
旁边有个华人侍者 然后等他离开的时候你就这样
Chinese dude would be in there. and when he leave you do like this:
所有人都会在中国人点菜的时候嘲笑他们
Everybody makes fun of chinese when they order some food up and shit.
但是他们人都挺好的 特别有礼貌
And they're nice guys, be all courteous and shit.
你朋友在那正笑呢
Your friends and shit be laughing.
他还回头说呢 菜马上就上来了
And he look out the back and say: "The food is coming right up."
他还在后面看着我们说 还挺好笑的嘛
He be in the back watching us:"Very funny. Very funny."
给他做一份特别的云吞汤
"Make a special Won-Ton soup for him..."
我琢磨着 中国有麦当劳或者啥的嘛
I wonder if they have,like a McDonald's in China ?
中国人点餐 我要巨无霸 草莓奶昔 大薯条 樱桃派
Chinese people would be walking and say:"Give me a Big Mac and a strawberry shake,a large order fry and a cherry pie."
点单的人说 巨无霸 草莓奶昔 大份薯条 樱桃派 马上就好
And dude say: "Big Mac, strawberry shake, large order fry and a cherry pie, coming right up."
等他们一走中国人就这样
And when they leave Chinese dude go
中文可太复杂了 真的难学
That's a fucked up language too, chinese.Hard to learn.
我想学西班牙语 我喜欢那个
I wanna learn to speak spanish.That's the shit.
你知道我最想学着说什么吗 我想学法语 那个可太酷了
You know what I'd really want to speak?I'd like to learn how to speak french,'cos that's some cool shit, french.
你要是用法语说我想拉泡屎 听着还挺好听
You can say "I gotta shit" in french and it would sound good:
就是好听
Just sounds good.
我不喜欢阿拉伯语 便利店里那些人说的 我是真讨厌那个
I don't like that shit that arabic. That the motherfuckers be speaking in the 7-11. That shit's fucked for me.
听起来就不舒服 就这样式的
It sounds nasty and shit, would be getting like:
阿拉伯语有这么一个词 这个词居然还有意义的
That's a word in arabic:That means some shit to them !
他们走到你跟前
They be walk up to you
我能来一份芝士汉堡吗
"Could I have a hamburger cheese roll?"
当我没说
"Never mind, man."
我可不想那玩意沾我面包上 你个混球
"I don't want no hakana on my bread, motherfucker !"
西班牙语
Spanish language.
你知道我为啥想学西班牙语不 因为我一直很喜欢瑞奇里卡多
You know why I want to learn how to speak spanish? Coz I was always a Ricky Ricardo buff.
当他生露西的气的时候他就会说
When he would get mad of Lucy and be saying:
我就说 继续啊瑞奇 喷傻这个臭娘们
I'd say: "Go on Ricky curse the bitch out."
瑞奇这时候就跟疯了一样 这时候贼酷
Ricky would lose his mind. Ricky was cool and shit.
在五十年代的表演者里 瑞奇里卡多是相当酷的一位
For the fifties Desi Arnaz, Ricky Ricardo was a cool motherfucker.
他穿着喇叭裤 尖头鞋 在巴巴罗俱乐部里
He had his baggies on, pointed shoes, in the club Babaloo and shit.
还记得这一幕吗
Remember that shit?
你肯定坐在那看嗨了
You be sittin' there like this:
他笑起来也特别酷 就这样
He had a cool ass laugh too, it was like:
这也太好笑了
"It's just a ridiculous !"
嘿 弗莱德 你要不要来陪我玩千年杀?
"Hey, Fred ! How would you like to fuck me up the ass ?"
现在的电视节目真的乱七八糟 现场有小孩没有
TV is all screwed...Any kids here ?
我是说 特别小的那种小屁孩 我不喜欢你们带小孩来这
I mean, little kids.I don't like you bringing those kids down here.
你几岁了 哥们 你几岁了
How old are you, man ?How old ?
13岁 等你看完这场秀你估计都懵了
13 ? Oh, you're gonna be fucked up when you leave.
爸 啥是迪克 那是啥啊?
"Dad ! What's a dick, what is that ?"
那边那个女孩几岁了
How old is the other girl, over there ?
哦 那你肯定现在就已经懵了
Oh, y'all fucked up now !
你们以为这场表演应该是这样的对吧
Y'all thought I would be going like this:
没想到我会说 一个这么大的迪克
You didn't know I'd be saying: "A dick this big !"
这孩子晚上做噩梦吓醒还喊呢 一个黑鬼的迪克要来抓我了 妈!
The kid's gonna be waking up and:"A negro's dick's coming to get me mom !"
讲一个可以在学校说的笑话 好吧 因为我讲了半天荤段子
I'mma tell you all a joke you can tell in school,all right, 'cos I've been telling this dirty stuff.
这个小笑话是这样的 你们也都听好了
Here's a little joke...Y'all can listen to it too.
很多人看完我的表演 回去想在公司讲我的笑话 但总是搞砸
I know lots of times people seen my show then go to work and try to tell and fuck my jokes up on the job and shit.
然后他说了咕尼咕咕
"...and then he said guni gugu !"
而且他还有一个特种部队玩具夹在他的屁股里
"And he had a G.I. Joe up his ass!"
嘿 我是T先生 我要把你的迪克夹断
"Hey, I'm Mr. T, I'll rip your cock off with my ass !"
然后旁边站着的同事们都说 是 真好笑啊 哈哈
And dude be standing all: "Yeah, very funny shit, right..."
我给你说一个能在学校讲的笑话 可以在上学的时候说
Here's a joke you can tell at school, when school starts.
大家都安静一下啊 你们好好听啊
Everybody be quiet now.Are you listening guys ?
一头熊和一只兔子在森林里拉屎
A bear and a rabbit are takin' a shit in the woods.
熊问小兔子说 不好意思 你介意自己的毛上沾到屎吗
And the bear turns to the rabbit and says: "Excuse me, you have problems with shit sticking to your fur ?"
然后兔子说 不介意
And the rabbit says: "No."
然后熊就拿兔子擦屁股了
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
我喜欢这个笑话
I like that joke.
我去 谁家有有线电视
Oh, shit !Anybody got cable ?
我最近经常看电视 看得我火大 好看的只有星际迷航
I've been watching a lot of cable lately 'cos I'm so mad with it. Only good TV show now is Star Trek.
那玩意儿可太好看了
That's some good shit !
我特别喜欢科克船长 因为他见谁干谁
I like Captain Kirk, 'cos Captain Kirk will fuck anybody !
我看过他跑到一个行星上 见没见过他收拾那个绿色的娘们
I've seen him beamed down on a planet- ever seen that when he's fucked this green bitch?
这得有多饥渴才能对一个绿色的娘们下手
You gotta be a horny motherfucker to fuck a green bitch !
不是种族歧视 但这娘们是绿色的 她的浦西肯定有问题
I mean, I'm no racist, but if the bitch is green there's something wrong with the pussy!
一边打一边还有音乐呢
He'll be fucking and the music be going
飞船都坏了 我特别喜欢斯科特先生 他特别逗 从来不装酷
Ship be gettin' all fucked up. Mr Scott, I like him he made me laugh, he's never cool and shit.
他跟斯波克完全相反 飞船报废了 然后斯科特先生说
He's the opposite of Spock.The ship be all fucked up and Mr. Scott say:
船长 我的船快顶不住 船马上要爆炸了
"Captain, my ship can't take much more of this sir. She's about to blow !"
让斯波克去处理吧
"Let Spock handle it."
然后斯波克说 斯科特先生 你为啥不拿着光束炮对准锂晶体呢
And Spock say: "Mr Scott, why don't you take the phasers and point them at the dylithium crystals
拿光束炮对准 就可以利用光束炮的能量
and point them phasers at them and then use the power from the phasers
来让锂晶体再生 这样我们就可以用脉冲功率离开了
to regenerate the dylithium crystals and we can get out on the impulse power."
斯波克先生 这招应该能用!
"Mr Spock ! It just might wax it !"
你上周就用过这招了 你个蠢驴
"The shit worked last week, motherfucker !"
我现在看电视已经看腻了 因为所有的星际迷航我都看过了
I got fed up with TV and shit,coz I seen all the Star Treks.
我开始看有线电视频道了
I start watching cable.
我上个月在看鬼驱人
I was watching Poltergeist last month.
我有一个问题
I got a question.
为什么白人们发现屋子里有鬼的时候不直接跑路呢
Why don't white people just leave the house when there's a ghost in the house ?
你们在这屋子里呆的太久了 赶紧跑路吧
Y'all stay in the house too fuckin' long. Get the fuck out of the house !
就这么简单 如果屋子里有鬼 立马收拾细软跑
Very simple: If there's a ghost in the house, get the fuck out !
他们不光跟鬼一起呆在屋子里 还喊更多人来
And not only did they stay in the house with the poltergeist, they invite more people over !
坐成一圈 然后说 我们的女儿卡罗尔-安在电视里呢
Sitting around going: "Our daughter Carroll-Ann's in the television set."
换我我已经跑了
I would have been gone.
要是我有个女儿 然后她跑电视去了 我会说
If I had a daughter, went down to the precinct and say
听着 哥们 我一回家发现我女儿在电视机里面 我直接就跑路了
"Look man, I went home my fucking daughter's in the t.v. set and I just fucking left."
房子孩子都归你了 我死也不会再回来了
You can have all this, I ain't going back to the motherfucker.
我就是跟你说一声 这样她没来上学你也不会觉得是我杀了她
I just came down so when she ain't at the school you don't think I killed the bitch or anything like that.
但她正在电视里呆着呢 房子里面啥都归你了 就这样 谢谢
But she is inside the tv set you can have all that shit. Thank you.
墨菲先生你不去试着救一下你的女儿吗
"Mr. Murphy didn't you try to save your daughter?"
当然试过了 我是个男人 我肯定要试着救我的女儿
Yeah, I'm a man, see I tried to save her
我换台试了一下 没成功 我就跑了
I turned the channels the shit didn't work.I got the fuck out.
赶紧走吧
Leave
电影里的那个孩子才6岁 鬼魂不可能附在她身上的
The kid was only 6 years old in the movie, they couldn't have been to attached to her.
走了不行吗
Leave
在鬼哭神嚎里 鬼魂告诉他们从房子里出去
In the amityville horror the ghost told them to get out of the house.
白人们就是不走 我给你们一个建议啊
White people stayed in there. Now that's a hint and a half for your ass.
如果一个鬼魂让你滚出去 我会立马夺门而逃
A ghost say get the fuck out, I would just tip the fuck out the door!
他们看了看抽水马桶 里面有血
They looked in the toilet bowl, the're was blood in the toilet.
还说呢 哟 还挺有意思
And said, "That's peculiar."
我要是在那房子里 我会说 嘿 宝贝 这房子还挺好
I would 've been in the house saying:"Oh baby this is beautiful."
天花板上有吊灯 孩子们能在外面玩 邻居们也都挺好的
"We got a chandelier hanging up here, kids outside playing. Its a beautiful neighbourhood."
我们没啥好担心的了 我喜欢这个房子 太好了
"We ain't got nothing to worry, I really love it this is really nice."
滚出去 可惜了咱没法在这住 媳妇儿
"GET OUT !" "Too bad we can't stay, baby !"
听着 我想说几句
You know, I wanna say something.
大概30年前吧 有一位黑人女性想要去唱歌剧
I think maybe like 30 years ago there was a woman that wanted to sing, a black lady wanted to sing opera...
她的名字叫什么来着?
What was her name ?
玛丽 安德森? 当时这里是种族隔离区 她不能在这唱歌
Mary Anderson? And this place was like segregated and she couldn't sing here.
她不能在这个舞台上唱歌 但我们做到了 甚至还没过去50年
And she couldn't sing in the place. And here we are, like not even 50 years later,
一个22岁的黑人男性被聘请到这个舞台上来抓着自己的迪克
A 22 year old black male on stage getting paid to hold his dick.
天佑美国 我得走了 各位保重 拜拜
God bless America ! I gotta go now.Y'all take it easy, bye bye !