Great session, everybody.
And don't forget... do your best, don't assume,
don't take it personal, and be your word.
I'll never remember all that. I'm just gonna pick two.
I'll take assume and that word thing.
Oh, man. I was gonna do the word thing.
Everybody can do the word thing.
It wasn't meant to be an assignment.
- It's more of a motto. - It's too long.
A motto's gotta fit on a bumper sticker
like "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."
Ed, you should check your bumper because the one on your car now says,
"My other ride is a penis."
How do these things happen? It's a mystery.
Guys, guys. If bumper stickers ever changed people's minds,
we wouldn't even be here right now
because we'd all rather be fishing and braking for boobs.
- See ya Monday. - Sorry to barge in.
I'm just outside waiting, Dad.
Everybody, I'd like to introduce my daughter Edie.
I hate that name. Y'all just call me Little Ed.
This is fantastic.
My car broke down. I hope you don't mind I had her pick me up here.
I put in a new clutch, but your throwout bearing's fine.
I need to pick up a new pressure plate,
but Jenny's at the gyno and won't be opening up the shop till four.
Who else feels like they just learned a lot?
About cars? We all did.
Like I said, I'll see ya Monday.
Great meeting, y'all.
- You mind if I grab a muffin? - Of course not.
- There's also Danish. - Nah.
I just got a thing about muffins.
So, Ed, your daughter knows a lot about cars.
Did she learn that from her... boyfriend?
Nah, she's just a natural with machines.
You know, I can't remember a time
when she didn't have a hammer or a drill
or something strapped on her.
All right, I am bleeding from biting my lip.
This is huge.
Can't we just get Ed back in here and tell him that his daughter is gay?
I don't think he knows and I am willing to pay
for the extra half hour to tell him right now.
Patrick, that is not how group works.
Even if she is gay, no one here can force the issue.
Yeah, or Ed's daughter will kick your ass.
- Hey, got a minute? - Sure, what's up?
This came for you.
Sam, don't you have some homework to do?
Not when I know you're trying to get me out of the room, I don't.
We don't hide things from our daughter, Jen.
Aw, crap. It's from Meredith. Sam, get out. It's a secret.
Who's Meredith?
I think you're old enough now.
My sister. Your Aunt Meredith.
I have an aunt that I don't even know about?
How about being grateful for all the relatives we did tell you about?
You should be ashamed of yourself. Now go to your room right now.
I can't believe this.
Do I have a brother that I don't know about, too?
I hope not.
How many times do I have to move to get away from this screaming harpy?
Well, just give the harpy your new address.
I don't want any more letters from the underworld.
Oh, my God. She's having a baby shower.
The evil one is about to spawn.
Well, she deserves every stretch mark she gets.
She's an awful person, Charlie. I do not like her.
I still get pissed when I think about what she said to you at our baby shower.
"Are you sure you're emotionally stable enough to be a mom?"
"You could still put the option in adoption."
Stupid bitch.
I know.
Like we weren't ready to have a baby.
We planned that baby, right?
Yeah, we planned it.
Sync & corrections by No1 www.addic7ed.Com
I don't talk to my sister for 10 years.
I get one letter from her, it torpedoes my entire week.
Have you ever opened up a dialogue with Meredith about this?
Depends. Is "Screw you" "No, screw you" a dialogue?
It doesn't sound like you've had any real communication.
I've tried. 10 years ago...
the last time we talked...
she brought up the babysitting money she claims I stole from her.
I brought up Christmas where she showed up high.
She brought up Easter where I showed up high.
How'd it end?
That's how "Screw you" "No, screw you" got started.
So you've just written this person out of your life?
There's no coming back? There's no second chances?
That's how the Goodsons work. Eliminate the problem.
Make 'em disappear.
Dog chews the remote control, next day, dog's gone.
She calls your wife a moron, sister's gone.
Charlie, at some point in your life,
she'll be one of the last people who remembers your childhood.
She'll be the only one to share these memories with.
So I guess you think I should go to the baby shower
and try to patch things up.
It's up to you, but the next chance you get
will be at one of your parents' funerals.
You're right.
I'll be too sad at my mom's, and at my dad's,
I'll be too busy playing Dance Dance Revolution on his grave.
Charlie, I'm really proud of you.
I'm proud of you, too.
- For what? - Going with me.
Oh, no.
Hey, I'm taking a trip to Anger Trigger City.
- I'm gonna need backup. - I hate baby showers.
I hate babies.
They have no concept of my importance.
Well, maybe this will be an enlightening experience for you, too.
Besides, the baby's still inside my sister.
Oh, God.
Just the thought of a human being walking around
with a giant parasite inside them, it gives me the creeps.
Oh, yeah? Wait till you hear where it comes out.
So far, so good.
A little bit of anxiety on the way to the baby shower,
- but nothing worth mentioning. - Charlie, what are you doing?
Giving you a status report.
You know, passing time.
We're going to be in this car six hours.
I don't need emotional traffic updates on the 10s.
This just in...
a little bit of annoyance in the driver's seat.
You know what annoys me most?
Everyone at the baby shower's gonna treat us like we're a couple.
What's wrong with that?
I mean, even though we're not a couple,
who says we can't do stuff together and have fun?
Couples don't have fun.
They sit in a car and make idle chitchat and pass the time.
And then they die.
Oh, come on. There's no reason this can't be a good time.
We're gonna have our meals together, I got us a room.
Room? We're sleeping together?
Do you want this to get weird?
How can sleeping in a bed be weirder than what we usually do in a bed?
What we do is sex. That's not weird.
People do things in their sleep.
I remember my mom telling me
how my dad used to fart and cry in his sleep.
Well, I promise not to cry.
See, we're already starting down that bad road toward being a couple.
We're talking about farting.
You know, as the farting increases,
the sex decreases.
Till you're just two lonely people
lying at opposite ends of the bed
farting at each other.
Now I know why he was crying.
I'm just... I'm really glad you showed up.
Well, whatever the problem is,
I don't want to hear any gay details.
No hand-holding, no boy kissing,
"Why won't the government let me get married?"
I'll tell you why, because they don't want
you to have the tax deduction.
You people are industrious. You're worth more to us single.
Thanks, I guess.
Okay, this... all right, this is a tricky conversation.
I'm gonna stop you right there.
Don't tiptoe or sashay or prance
or whatever you people do around the subject.
Just rip the Band-Aid off and get right to it.
Your daughter's gay.
Oh, my God. You knew?
Son, she's not gay.
I'm laughing because
I wish I had a nickel for all the people
who came up to me and told me that.
Her kindergarten teacher,
her golf instructor, the Navy recruiter.
Just because a girl's a little different
and not some frail little thing
and she's got her own ideas about how to dress,
people automatically assume
that she plays for the other team.
Ed, she's the coach of the other team.
Hi, guys. Need anything?
I'll have a Miller on tap
and Oprah over here will have a,
what, a Diet Coke?
I will have a Miller, too.
- Lite, please. - Okay.
I bet people have told you you're a lesbian.
Maybe when I was back in college,
and they'd be right, but not recently, no.
Unless this is some kind of bass-ackwards way to see
if I'm into crazy older dudes, and I'm not there yet.
I'm just making a point here
that people naturally assume
that if a woman's strong and independent, she's gay.
Wow. I didn't see that coming.
Okay, I'll bang you.
Well, she's got a nice swing on her back porch. Whoo.
Your daughter would say that, too.
She's a lesbian, Ed.
You met her for two minutes.
I'm her dad. What makes you think you know her better than I do?
Okay, that's fair. Does she date?
Well, she's a busy girl. She doesn't have time for boys right now.
She's got her job in the daytime grooming dogs
and at night she takes care of maintenance at the Pitch and Putt.
Short of being a fluffer for the Indigo Girls,
I... I don't know how she could be any more gay.
Now, I'm not saying this to hurt you,
it's just a vibe that gay people are sensitive to.
And you think I should go home
and confront my daughter based on some vibe that you have?
Okay, there is a one in a million chance
that I'm wrong, but if I'm right,
your daughter could be terrified
of what you might think about her if she told you.
Is that what you wanted for your little girl
when she was five years old out in the backyard
- playing with her trucks? - Damn it.
Now you got me thinking.
Here's your beers, guys.
Hey, just curious.
You're not wealthy or anything, are you?
Uh, nope. I'm on a fixed income,
but I do have full medical.
Oh, yeah. I just remembered, I am still a lesbian.
- I don't think I can do this. - Don't set yourself up for failure.
She is probably looking forward to seeing you
because she's happy about her stupid little baby.
I'm just not real thrilled
about Meredith thinking we're a couple.
Kate, don't worry. She'll be too busy ragging on me to even notice you.
- Hello, Meredith. - Oh.
So you showed up.
Bill, he's here. I owe you 50 bucks.
And, Jennifer, what happened to you?
You used to be so cute.
What'd you do to your hair?
Yeah, Jennifer.
Thank you so much.
You really didn't have to make us a plate.
No, you need to eat.
You're like a stick with an emo wig.
And I still feel bad about thinking you were Jen.
Oh, the stick thing makes up for that.
So why'd you hide from me for 10 years?
10 years?
Boy, time goes by so fast
when I'm not talking to you.
Same old Charlie.
I'm sorry, Meredith.
You've displayed a lot of emotional growth by having me here.
And I know that our dynamic hasn't always been the best,
but perhaps this is a chance for us to get a fresh start
at a good, healthy sibling relationship.
Ooh, somebody went to the Learning Annex.
I'm just saying I think Mom and Dad set us up to compete against each other.
- We're both victims here. - You know what,
I'm glad you said that because I don't wanna fight anymore.
You know, I'm trying to get rid of all my anger before the baby's born.
You know, managing anger is my specialty.
- I'm a therapist now. - Don't make me laugh.
I wouldn't let you analyze my urine.
Okay, that B.S. might work in LA, but to me,
you're just the thief who stole my babysitting money.
Wow, you remember everything from our childhood.
Hey, who knows? Maybe in the future,
we'll be able to download all those memories and we won't even need your head.
Charlie, Charlie, come quick.
They're about to play "The Newlywed Game" with the other couples.
I hope we win, yay!
Coming.
I... I need your help.
Oh, my God. You had the talk. Is she okay?
- How did it go? - I can't do it.
I've been with her all day and I've tried to ask her it about five times.
- Where is she now? - She's parking the car.
Look, I need you to talk to her.
If she is a lesbian,
then you speak the same language.
It's all English, Ed.
Except that a queen is not a member of the royal family
and tops and bottoms have nothing to do with pajamas.
Dad?
Wait, why does she think she's here?
I told her you were gay and your toilet's broken.
What, because I'm gay, I can't fix my own toilet?
- Well, can you? - No.
It's not because I'm gay, it's because I'm spoiled. Open the door.
Hi, honey. I jiggled the handle. It's... everything's fine now.
Great. Good to see you again.
Come on, Dad. If we hurry, we can still get down to the Work Boot Warehouse
- before it closes. - Would you mind just
sitting down for a second?
Your dad wants me to talk to you.
- Everything okay? - Yeah.
Everything's fine and it gets better.
Now, this is kind of awkward
'cause I hardly know ya
and I don't like your father.
But don't you think it's probably time
that you tell your dad that you're a lesbian?
Why would I do that? I'm not gay.
There, what'd I tell ya?
Come on, Little Ed. Let's go get you a pair of work boots.
Wait a minute. Come on, you've got the uniform
and the haircut. The chain wallet.
It is okay.
This is something that your dad needs to deal with.
Now just say it with me.
Dad, you made a gay kid.
I don't like girls. I like boys.
You tell him, honey.
And I like my clothes.
And I like my haircut.
I don't look like a lesbian, lesbians look like me.
That's my girl!
I've probably been with more men than you have.
I've been with more men than anybody.
No, seriously, Dad, like 100.
- Wha... what? - I'm a grown woman.
I don't tell you everything I do and I wanna keep it that way,
but I guess you needed to hear it.
I like men...
a lot.
- You. - I am so sorry, Ed.
I was just so excited to rub your nose
in the fact that your daughter was gay
that I totally missed that she was a freak.
I hope this doesn't trigger any of your anger issues.
No, like I said before,
she just hadn't found the right guy.
Well, it's not for lack of trying.
Okay, girls. Come take your seats.
I hate these women.
- What happened? - Let me get you caught up.
We're all very excited about the shoe sale
at T.J. Maxx this weekend
and all the girls wanna know how much money you give me for shopping.
Oh, and did you know Jenny's husband pays her for oral sex?
Oh, and her name is...
Jenny.
Okay. I asked the men... according to your wife,
what's the most romantic day of the year for you?
Let's start with Kayla and Bob.
- Our anniversary. - Oh, Bob said his birthday.
- Kim? - Valentine's Day.
Joe said his birthday. Jenny?
- Christmas. - Oh, Jenny.
Lou said his birthday.
Oh, my God. These guys only get laid on their birthday?
Jenny must be making a fortune.
- Kate? - Um...
December 21st.
I don't know, it's the longest night of the year.
More time to bang.
Wow, Charlie said December 21st, too.
- Oh, you said that? - Is that your birthday, Charlie?
No, I'm pretty sure my birthday comes four or five times a week.
T.M.I.
Okay, the second question I asked is
what will your partner say is the perfect number of children?
- Kayla? - Five.
Mm. Bob said four.
But we already have five.
Joe and I talk a lot about this.
- I'm sure he said two. - Joe said more than two.
As many as the Lord will bless us with.
- Lou said one. - Oh, you went with a number?
- Kate? - I'm sure all your kids are great
and at least four of yours,
but I have to be honest,
I don't like kids, so I'm gonna have to say zero.
Wow, Charlie said you'd say,
"I don't like kids, so I'll say zero."
Why are we winning this thing?
Because we're not a couple.
We talk and actually listen to each other.
Oh, and I don't charge a $100 entry fee.
What do you mean you don't like kids?
I mean, I think they're great
if you have the time for them.
Oh, so you're one of those.
- One of those? - Last time I looked, we were up two-zip.
Let's play the game.
You know, one of those women who won't have kids
because she's too selfish and she wants to be the center of the universe.
Selfish? I've dedicated my life to helping people every day.
I just don't think it's mandatory
that I have a tiny version of myself
to push into living out my failed dreams.
Kate does help people.
Not by saying things like that...
but she is a great therapist.
Well, a woman's body was made to have babies.
Now hold on. A woman can do whatever she wants with her body.
Kate might not be making babies, but trust me,
she does use her vagina for good.
You know what, maybe it's best that you don't wanna be a mom.
Excuse me?
I mean, I'd hate to be your kid.
There's an anorexic little drug problem waiting to happen.
Meredith, you're so judgmental.
Every time I bring somebody around, you have to start something.
- What the hell is wrong with you? - No anger around the baby.
Well, then you better get it out of your body fast
because right now it's swimming around in a pool of "angryotic" fluid.
What the hell does that mean?
I don't know. You've been making me say things I don't understand for 35 years.
Charlie, take a breath.
You can either choose to continue or walk away.
You see that? She'd be a great mom.
That's the kind of thing she'd say.
Oh, and she'd keep her kid from saying this...
I'll see you in another 10 years, bitch.
Well, thank you for the delightful pastries.
We had a lovely time.
May I take one of these home? All right.
So are you ready to talk about what happened back there?
I know, I know. I played right into her hands.
I feel lousy that when I'm old,
I'm just gonna be alone sitting in a rest home
desperately trying to recall
some happy memory from my childhood.
Yeah. Well, that's not what I wanna talk about.
Why in the world would you feel the need to defend me?
You're mad that I defended you?
I said good things about your vagina.
You acted like we were a couple.
That's why I didn't wanna stay in the same hotel room,
that's why I didn't wanna play "The Newlywed Game,"
and that's why I didn't wanna go to this damn baby shower!
Yes, dear.
Don't do that.
Yes, dear.
I am not messing around.
We are not now, nor will we ever be... a couple.
So you're not gonna pass that truck? You're just stay behind it for the next 75 miles?
You really didn't like me defending you?
No, I did.
That's why I didn't like it.
And how did you feel when we were winning "The Newlywed Game"?
Good. That's why I hated it.
You know one thing couples never do?
Die happy.
Have sex in a car on the side of a road.
Yeah, that would certainly make
two people not a couple.
What would you say if I pulled over right here?
I'd say happy birthday, Charlie.
Give me 100 bucks.
Sync & corrections by No1 www.addic7ed.com