or If Don Juan were a woman...
Did you know Bertha well?
Please God, welcome the soul of your servant.
So that she may live for You now that she has left our world,
and by Your Infinite Mercy, purify her name
of the sins she has committed in the frailness
of her human flesh.
In the Name of our Lord Jesus Christ, Your Son,
who lives and reigns with You in the oneness
that is the Holy Spirit being God
for the centuries to come. Amen.
I didn't know that Old Bertha was one of your friends.
Not at all. I simply stopped by to say hello.
When I came in, I saw that you were busy,
so I waited patiently until you were done.
I'm sorry.
"May he who has never sinned cast the first stone..."
The Bible according to St. John.
Paul, I must speak with you. I must see you tonight.
I am talking to you as a priest now. Will you come?
Definitely not, Jeanne.
I haven't seen you in over a year,
and I don't want to see you now.
The life you lead has never interested me anyway.
- You don't want to listen to me? - No.
What happened to my cousin? I don't know you anymore.
Well, I know you.
I see you haven't changed.
- Are you preaching at me? - No, Jeanne.
You'd be too happy. Preaching is not an issue between us.
I have better things to do than hear about your base acts.
Base acts? You use such unfashionable vocabulary.
To each his own.
- Now get out of here. - What if I don't?
Get out of here.
Paul, I killed someone.
Now I get it.
Are you managing with my paperwork?
Luckily. Or else, you'd be lost.
I'm not sure. I attract money like a magnet.
One day, my poor old father asked,
"Tell me, Jeanne. How will you earn a living later in life?"
Then having said this, he had a heart attack and died.
I inherited a fortune.
You must have looked so shocked by his question that he died.
I can't help it. Fate has always been like a lover.
I'm still young. For the moment, I'm rich.
Well, I'm a poor little rich girl.
Of course, if I had no money, I'd be a rich little poor girl.
As I was saying, I am young and I am rich.
And I'm not such a bad-looking woman.
You see, life is good.
Knock on wood.
Never. That would be far too easy.
I'm telling you, you're going too far.
Leporella, where am I going too far to?
- You're leaving? - Yes.
I don't need you in the morning.
- Will you call me? - Yes.
Damn. I can't believe it. I've got a flat.
Hang on. I can fix it for you.
Do you have a jack?
How's my little cousin? I knew you'd come.
One, two, three, four, five.
Here you are. Do you mind if I carry on?
One, two, three, four, five.
A bearded man. Now who could that be?
I wonder. Must have been an unshaven admirer.
One, two, three, four, five. Jack of clubs.
One, two, three, four, five. 10 of clubs. That means money.
Perfect. That is just perfect, Jeanne.
One, two, three, four, five. King of clubs.
My businessman, who is a bit of an accountant.
No way. This poor man must have become a crook.
Crime pays, Father.
Ace of spades.
That's not good.
One, two, three, four, five. Jack of hearts.
That's me dressed as a boy.
One, two, three, four, five. I've had enough.
How's my little priest?
Can I wash my hands?
You look splendid with your dirty paws. Like a murderer.
You'd kiss me like that when you were 12.
One day you gave me a bloody lip.
- Remember? - Please.
I didn't come so we could reminisce.
So why did you come then?
It's up to you to tell me that.
Come on.
- Did you kill someone? - Not so fast now.
That's no way to make parishioners confess.
You're slipping Paul.
Once upon a time, there was Robin Hood.
In a manner of speaking.
Today Robin Hood thinks he's a man
because he kills cardboard villains.
What a time.
- Who's that? - He's the champion.
And what else does he do?
He's a magistrate, State counselor,
and university professor.
He's brilliant, austere and athletic.
Married?
With a daughter. You interested?
- What's his name? - Pierre. Pierre Gonzagues.
He can even shoot 3 arrows in a cluster.
- Let's go. - Where?
Introduce me.
Pierre Gonzagues. Pierre, a friend of mine.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
We'd like to see you hit the dummy.
I'll try, but it wasn't part of the program.
Putting my honor at stake when I've already won.
- Should I hit this man, madam? - Yes.
In that case...
Head.
Throat.
Heart.
Are you driving me home or to a taxi?
- Where do you live? - In a submarine.
Then I shall have to drop you off.
Thanks.
- Is your wife beautiful? - I think so.
Do you keep mistresses?
I'm a faithful husband.
You don't cheat on her?
I am faithful to my wife, but I may have cheated on her.
That's what they call affairs.
Yes, affairs, liaisons, encounters.
Do you still have a lot of questions to ask me?
Are these... encounters frequent?
No.
- When was the last time? - I don't remember.
You haven't asked why I'm so curious.
All right, I'm asking.
If we made love, would it be for the first and last time?
Certainly.
Well, I've been warned.
Well, indeed it is a submarine.
I told you so.
Do you want something to drink?
If you're offering.
I'll be offering.
Afterwards.
After what?
So I said to myself, here we go, everything's in order, I've won.
let me show you what I do with my champion state councilman.
He thanked me politely for the drink
I offered him... afterwards.
He said goodbye and left as if nothing had happened.
Absolutely nothing.
At least promise to call. Not him. Nothing at all.
And I don't like to be treated in the way I treat others.
I don't like that one bit.
Seducing is nothing, Father.
Conquering is the hard part.
Pierre had attracted Jeanne because he was impossible.
He was an impenetrable fortress
and Jeanne wanted to ride high into this forbidden citadel.
That's the way she is, Father.
It wasn't easy, you know, considering his age,
his wife, his daughter.
I'd like to see you try.
A week later, I had been invited over by his wife.
To be precise, she had invited a famous writer and his date.
I was the date.
Francis, please see if dinner is ready.
Yes, m'am.
- Do you like the house? - Yes.
I do too.
And it's my husband's hideaway.
unfortunately, it's going to be destroyed.
Destroyed?
The highway will run through here.
And all this will be crushed. Pulverized.
It's quite a funny story, published...
- I read your latest book. - Dad.
Thanks. It's vibrant, precise, clear. It's...
- You almost won the Goncourt. - Only two votes away.
Not enough friends in the jury.
Mr. President, do you think the Russians
have left Cairo for good?
Ever since Aswan, no more swelling of the Nile,
so no silt nor plankton.
- Hence, no more sardines. - My husband is a general
and he's always talking about sardines.
They're not the same.
But still if a man is successful.
I disagree.
If a man doesn't dominate his wife, it's not normal.
You just like being dominated.
Ladies, you're both biased.
Dinner is served.
Please come to the table.
It would be a pleasure.
So you're abandoning your old friends tonight?
Perhaps.
What have you got up your sleeve?
It's a secret.
So the house is to be destroyed?
Yes.
You are welcome to come stay with me. Just you.
Please, Jeanne.
- I'll be expecting you tomorrow. - I won't come.
In a few years, people will no longer vote in booths.
They'll use computers.
Note that the vote count was only off by 0.3
during the last election.
Come on, Pierre.
You can't believe we're going to vote by computer.
I'm completely serious here. Excuse me.
- I see you've checked up on me. - Me?
You found out I had a meeting here,
and came to wait for me, right?
Three months of chasing.
Three months of stolen moments and deceit.
So I thought to myself that this had gone on long enough.
Time to gamble the big bucks.
Naturally, I played hearts.
And I had an idea.
After his archery competitions,
my baby bird would spend the night alone in a small inn
to work on his files. To each his own, don't you think
You will leave here immediately.
Yes, I will go. Forgive me.
I'm sure now. I love you. I know it.
You're wrong.
You have no right to say that to me.
Look at me.
What is happening to you?
I don't know. I swear, I don't know.
Now I knew I wouldn't lose him.
Woe betide him who uses scandal to succeed.
I had never noticed before
that it's always woe betide him.
Woe betide him...
Yes, they're all for men.
And why seduce when you can destroy
I, since I am a man, know of no other way to love.
I am a spider, you see.
So I decided to trap my victim in the middle of my web.
I brought him to an island in Sweden. We were alone.
Just the two of us.
I had brought a microscope to see how he would fight.
My curiosity knows no bounds.
How is my Robinson?
Brave Friday go to see white man,
buy supplies for at least three days.
Robinson help Friday carry packages.
Is good. Is good.
Meat, canned foods, salmon, eel,
crab, shrimp, extremely expensive French wine, vodka.
Why did you get enough for 3 days?
Why not?
You want to go back to Paris?
You don't like our Swedish paradise?
You drink a lot. Especially recently.
Yeah.
You drink and you hide, don't you?
No.
Paris.
We were astonished to hear from a reliable source
that Mr. Pierre Gonzagues,
the renowned magistrate,
professor, civilized white man, winner of many awards,
appears to have run away to Sweden
with a person of the opposite sex.
Jeanne.
Listen. This is interesting.
Naturally, Mr. Gonzague's behavior worried his family and friends,
but from that to dropping everything...
But, alas, he did.
Aren't you ashamed? Debauchery. Voluptuous pleasure.
Happiness. What a disgrace.
Yes, what a disgrace.
There was a party at the university.
Pierre didn't want to go,
as he'd given conferences there and was well known.
- No, I won't go. - That's your loss.
I thought he should honor me with his presence.
If you are to know, I'm packing my suitcase.
You'll leave when I say you can.
Not in such a hurry to leave now?
unpack your suitcase, Jeanne.
You're right. I was acting like any old woman.
Don't worry. I can do better.
So can I.
May the best man win.
But I warn you, you're out of your league.
Who do you think you are?
And what if I was the one who left? Who left right now?
Go ahead. I'm not stopping you.
No, Jeanne. Not yet.
I'll go when I'm ready.
And don't you worry either, I'll manage.
I had revealed my true self.
Never had I been so beautiful, yet so ugly.
They're the same thing. He had seen me and it was too late.
He knew who I was. He knew who he loved.
And when a man knows these things, he's lost.
That night, we lost sight of each other.
That night he started following me
and looking for me everywhere.
Jeanne.
Tomorrow he won't believe this happened.
And if the photo were to appear... How awful.
Come on. Let's go.
SCANDAL IN SWEDEN
"Within a night he ruins his career and his family"
- Did you ever see him again? - His wife divorced him.
And I can't stand ex-lovers who turn to drinking.
Even if despair drives them to it?
That's none of my business.
If you give me absolution,
God will be angry at you, don't you think?
Jeanne, you should never speak of God.
I'm sorry. It's a nasty habit.
You purposely caused harm to that man. You're a coward.
Here you go, preaching again.
Personally, I thought it was very brave of me.
You seem to despise me suddenly.
Do you? Really?
What I think of you is my business.
Did you see that man again?
Was he the one you killed?
I'll get it, Mom.
Let me come in.
Don't you have a kiss for me?
I'd like to talk to you.
You didn't answer my letters.
Catherine.
When I phone, they say you're not home.
- Can I talk to you? - No.
You have... You have nothing to say to me?
Go away.
More champagne.
Owning property is a theft.
Excuse me, but I think property is the individual's sole defense
against society and state...
- A brandy. - There is liberty in France.
- Ah, liberty... - A brandy, I said.
You speak of deputies, but prefer to spend your time
drinking champagne. I see you're a connoisseur.
You are the sun.
I am the moon. Let's sing it together.
You've got to shake it. Shake it.
- I asked for a brandy. - No, mister.
- A brandy. - Don't even start.
We told you yesterday not to come back.
But I have money. Look. Tonight, I have money.
Even if I had no money, she would pay.
She will pay. She will pay.
She will pay.
You have to shake it. Shake it.
Do you hear me? You will pay.
Do you hear me? I said you will pay and you will pay dearly.
You will pay.
Jeanne.
I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry. - Is he bothering you?
Don't leave. Listen to me. - Thank you.
Stay here. Stay here.
Stay here, Jeanne. Stay.
- Louis Prevost. - Thank you.
That man was following me. I was so scared.
- Do you know him? - I don't think so.
This is Clara. She's my third wife.
I'm picking them younger and younger.
unfortunately, she's always asleep by ten. Not much fun.
I know we don't know each other, but still...
Haven't we met somewhere before?
Possibly. I've been there before.
One day, I asked Louis what he was buying.
He said, I don't know.
I never see the merchandise. A businessman does business.
That's it.
And he likes flowers.
Last year, we celebrated my birthday in Madrid.
It was even worse.
Louis is a bit of a savage.
But I think all men are that way, aren't they?
No, I was civilized.
Yes, but you're not...
A man? I was a man in another life.
- What were you talking about? - Nothing. About horses.
I was saying I bought Barbarella lll in Deauville...
Oh, sorry. For $350,000.
- Tell me, do you like skiing? - I love it.
- Do you like Gstaad? - Yes.
Because I have just bought myself a chalet.
Was this a long time ago?
Not so long. Around 400 years ago.
It was wonderful in Spain back then.
I was rich, noble, brave, and seduced every woman.
It must have been fascinating.
I was young. I died when I was 30.
People did die young back then.
Know the story about the scorpion?
I don't think so.
There once was a parentless scorpion...
Men today have become an endangered species.
What a shame. What a burden.
Burden?
Now women have to do all the work.
- It's true though. - What a story.
So you're sharing secrets?
May I know?
Clara was saying you're a bit of a savage.
Absolutely true. Will you excuse me?
That's how savages behave?
I'm terribly frightened.
You are strong, mean and horrible.
A cannibal.
That too?
One day, I'll eat you. I just love French cuisine.
Clara.
Aren't you ashamed?
She wouldn't dare.
You are such a man.
Louis, I have decided to accept your invitation.
I'm coming to London with you and Clara.
But we won't go by plane, we will take the ferry.
- The ferry? - Yes, it's a fancy I have.
- Were you sleeping? - As you can see.
And you? Are you sleepwalking?
I am in my bed dreaming about you.
Don't forget you are dreaming, Louis.
- And if I were to wake up? - Not now. A little later.
You'll see. I just love living in London.
Good night.
Aren't you sleepy? Me either. You know what we're going to do?
He's a pedophile.
Did you hurt yourself?
No Coke. No barley water. There's nothing on this tub.
Here.
Try to be sexy with your shitkickers.
Breaking and entering. What's the penalty?
- Is this your first crime? - Yes.
Here you go. You'll fall in the category
of extenuating circumstances.
Be erotic...
Isn't what I'm doing erotic enough for you?
Oh, that's not bad either.
Good background. Great stride. And a real dream in bed.
Been after me since Paris. I almost had her on the ferry,
but I was too exhausted. I prefer big beds anyhow.
- Tonight? - Maybe.
- The photo's blurry. - My wife took it. She moved.
Madame isn't answering.
- I am not answering. - Now you understand.
Clara.
Jeanne, was this little ménage à trois your idea?
Do you know this will be a first for us?
- What's he saying? - I don't know.
I'm not against the idea.
On the contrary. I think it's a great idea.
You think we should?
You're not chickening out, are you?
You all right?
Ladies...
- What are you doing? - We're getting dressed.
- Where are you going? - We're going for a walk.
What are you doing dressed like that?
What were you thinking? Are you coming?
You bitch.
- Louis, we're going out. - Take your clothes off.
Take your clothes off.
You are revolting, Louis. I knew it.
The first time I laid eyes on you,
I saw you were revolting and ridiculous.
Bitch.
How could you possibly think for a second
that I was interested in you?
You didn't understand that it was all a matter of possessing you.
That's all it was. To possess you through Clara.
You didn't understand that.
Go ahead. Go on. Are you a man or a mouse?
You slut.
Don't worry, Prevost. She's all yours.
Gentlemen.
Not bad.
And you, my cousin. Have you ever hit a woman?
Not with these hands.
You made a fool of a man through his wife.
You made him look ridiculous.
Maybe you're the one who drove him to be revolting.
No, he already was.
I was just making sure.
Why do you always seek to discover
the most vile aspects of everyone?
Why show them their weaknesses?
That is the real sin, Jeanne. It's worse than murder.
I can't win with you. For once, I did a good deed.
I ridicule some jerk and you judge me. It's discouraging.
I don't feel like admitting my real crime now.
- You locked the door? - Yes.
- Give me the key. - No.
Come and get it. Don't be scared.
I'm only a woman.
I'm not scared.
Men are all cowards. So are you, Paul.
You're backing away from me now.
Jeanne, stop playing. Be careful.
Give me the key.
Get out.
You are a monster.
A monster? Yes, that's true.
I have done many horrible things.
If I wrote a book of memoirs, it would be censored.
It would be a thick book. And a long one.
With adventures that are totally inane, but true.
If only you knew...
I seduced all of you, Paul. Every one of you.
Now I'd like to throw you all into the Seine
and let her carry you away with my memories.
Jeanne.
Did you kill someone? Yes or no?
Yes, I think so.
No, I'm sure of it.
It was bound to happen. And it could only have happened to me.
Did you sleep with him?
No.
Good. We're making progress.
And yet he loves me. He has loved me for a long time.
And you turned him down. Why?
The more I know men, the higher the price.
- Which price is that? - Mine.
I am becoming exorbitant.
There you go. You're talking like a...
Like a whore?
On the contrary, girlfriend.
Why don't you go pay the bill instead of talking shit.
- Another? - Yes.
- What do you want? - Whatever you want.
- Do you love me? - Yes.
Do you want us to make love here?
Are you ready to give up everything?
Yes.
- Life? - Is that all?
That is nothing.
Is that all you want?
I called an ambulance, but it was too late.
I didn't want him to die. It was just a game.
I didn't want him to.
- Is this the truth, Jeanne? - Yes.
I didn't want him to die.
Please, Paul. I am begging you.
Don't leave me. I'm despicable.
- I'm scared. - What are you scared of?
Will I be punished?
I don't know. I'm not the judge.
I don't want to be weak. Even if I lied.
Even if I murdered.
Even if I love you.
Jeanne.
I've been waiting for you. What are you looking for?
Dough. I gave it all to the cabby. Pay for me, will you?
Listen, I saw him around your place again yesterday.
It's the third time I've seen him.
He has a right to walk around.
- Be careful. - Of what?
I don't know. You have to...
There he is. Don't move.
It's Pierre.
He's calling you. Don't go.
- I'm going. - Are you mad?
What did he want?
A meeting... Tomorrow at 9 a.m.
Where? Here?
No. Where I know. Where you know.
You won't go.
I have to. I swore.
You won't go. You're lying.
I almost never lie.
You're crazy.
Don't go. He'll kill you.
He's a ghost. I don't believe in ghosts.
So why are you going?
It's life. C'est la vie...
You know what men are? No?
They are...
...out of style.
"What about you, Jeanne?" Out of style, me, not really.
Good job, Jeanne. High honors.
You hate men.
You're mistaken. You're gravely mistaken.
I hope some day you'll tell me.
I don't think so. It's too complicated.
Let's snap out of it. Got a cigarette?
Thank you.
I can't recognize anything. Where's the house?
Over there. Look.
You see? I came.
It smells like gas around here.
You drinking unleaded now?
This is hell.
You are going to burn. In the flames.
You are going to burn.
- Speak. - Of what?
Speak.
The time has come, Jeanne.
Look.
Go ahead. Burn. Burn it all down.
Dare to do something. You don't frighten me.
You are repulsive. You are broken.
You're finished. Finished! And I don't care.
I'm sick of you. Of all of you. Of everything.
You're drunk.
Revenge.