SWEET JOHNNY
They say in Camden County a crime is committed every seven minutes.
Unfortunately for Joy,
it had been 6 minutes and 57 seconds.
The hell? This ain't a bus.
You're getting carjacked.
- Get out! - Fine...
but carjacking a red, white, blue Brat is like spitting on the American flag.
At least let me get my nuggets.
Oh, snap! My hand snapped!
Have you heard that if you can tear the label off your beer in one piece
it means you're not a virgin? Willie the mailman was talking about it.
I hadn't heard that.
Guess it's true.
What?
I've had sex, you stupid beer!
Stop the Brat!
Holy God!
Damn it.
That was the best stunt I've seen since Sweet Johnny.
Sweet Johnny.
Sweet Johnny was #7 on my list,
and one of the things I felt the worst about.
Sweet Johnny got his name
because he was the sweetest guy anyone knew...
but also because he was a stunt man and did some sweet stunts.
His stunts were impressive,
but I was even more impressed with his girlfriend Sheila.
So, the doctor says you're going to be laid up for a couple of days, huh?
Yeah, but it was worth it,
'cause that stunt Sweet Johnny just pulled off
was sweet!
Oh, God.
Hang in there, buddy.
So this time when Johnny got hurt, I decided to make my move.
There's a back porch I could spend an afternoon on.
Yeah. Nice, ain't it?
Reach out and grab a slice of that bundt cake.
I knew if I wanted to keep fooling around with Sheila,
I had to keep Johnny out of the way,
so I came up with a plan.
The doomsday chair, huh?
Yep, saw it as a kid on That's Incredible.
You sit on the chair,
when the seat blows up, it throws you 20 feet in the air.
But I was thinking
you make the whole chair out of TNT, you'll go even higher.
40 feet in the air!
Sweet Johnny's going to fly!
I knew I was doing wrong,
but a great heinie can make a man do crazy things.
Sweet Johnny!
Or make a man make a man do crazy things.
It didn't take me long to realize the worst Johnny got hurt,
the more time I got in his van with Sheila.
I don't remember how many stunts I convinced him to do,
but it was a lot. Like the human speed bump.
And the simple yet extremely unpredictable rocket unicycle.
But by the time I talked him into the human wrecking ball,
I'd started to feel bad.
Sweet Johnny!
I'm sorry,
I can't do this anymore.
This is some sick stuff.
I got to find Sweet Johnny. You want to come?
No, you go ahead.
Drop me off at the Crab Shack. I'm going to get another beer
and prove to it I'm not a virgin.
By doing the label thing, not putting my weiner in it.
I just want to be clear.
I hadn't heard anything about Johnny for a while,
so I was afraid he'd be hard to find.
But it ends up he was living in the same house.
Whazzup!
Whazzup...
with you?
Nothing, I'm just preparing for a stunt.
I'm going to attach this chair to two weather balloons,
float as high as the planes fly,
high-five God,
then jump off and use this parachute
to float sweetly back down to earth.
Sweet Johnny!
Look, Johnny...
I came here to confess something.
All that time I was convincing you to do crazy stunts,
I was doing it to get you hurt so I could sleep with Sheila.
You slept with Sheila?
Why would you do that?
Why would she do that?
She's the love of my life.
I thought you were my friend.
I am,
I feel really bad and want to make it up to you.
You son of a bitch.
God, Johnny, just give me a chance, man!
I have a rule of thumb with the list.
If someone pulls a weapon,
I give them time to cool off.
Baby, are these socks thicker than my regular socks?
I feel taller.
Where did you get a gun?
At that Indian dude's garage sale.
I got you a tank top, too. It says "Whitey, Off the Res,"
but since you're black you could get away with it.
You know how I feel about guns. No good can come from having one.
If I had this yesterday, we'd still have our car
and you wouldn't be going to work riding bitch on Fernando's bicycle.
No, if you had that there would've been a shoot-out.
It would've looked like someone turned on a blender.
You're stepping on my First Amendment rights.
Freedom of speech is the First Amendment.
And nothing speaks louder than this.
I gave Johnny a night to sleep on it, then went back.
Whazzup!
I'm back.
Just checking to see if you cooled down since I was here yesterday.
Yesterday?
I was in Nathanville with Sheila picking up helium for my next big stunt.
You're gonna love it.
I'm going to attach this chair to some weather balloons,
float up to where the planes fly,
high-five God,
then jump back down with this parachute...
Whoa, hold on...
I feel like I caught that French disease that makes things happen to you twice.
You don't remember me, coming by yesterday
and telling you I slept with Sheila?
You slept with Sheila?
Why would you do that?
Why would she do that?
She's the love of my life.
I thought you were my friend.
You son of a bitch!
Johnny had always been unpredictable,
but now, he just seemed weird.
If I was going to cross him off my list, I was gonna have to find out why.
The next day I tracked down Sheila,
hoping she might know why Sweet Johnny was acting so strange.
Sheila? That you?
I haven't seen you for years!
Hold on, I'll be right there.
Damn people. Parking too close together.
Baby got a little bigger downstairs.
But she still remembers you.
You want to give it a little squeeze for old times' sake?
So what you doing in Mount Trace?
Actually, I was looking for you.
I need to ask you something about Sweet Johnny.
I talked to him yesterday, and he seemed kind of...
- "forgetty." - You don't know about the accident.
About the brain damage?
Turns out,
even though I'd put Johnny in danger a bunch of times,
it was something he did all on his own that ended up hurting him permanently.
He hurt his brain so bad he can't make new memories.
Whenever he falls asleep,
he wakes up thinking it is the day before his big stunt.
He's got no idea it's 10 years later?
He never leaves the house.
He just goes to that garage and works on that chair.
I stayed with him for a couple of years,
but he got hurt the summer that song La Vida Loca was big.
If I heard him sing it one more time, I was going to drown him in the tub.
I know what that's like.
Randy got really into that song for a while.
It's the only time I ever spanked him.
That explains why he didn't remember me telling him about us sleeping together.
Why did you do that?
Because it was a bad thing, and I need to make up for it.
Sure we did wrong,
but the way that I look at it we got a get-out-of-jail-free card.
Oh, nice?
Someone just parked illegal across the street. Be right back.
I'm ignoring you, Darnell.
All I see is Charlie Brown falling
while that bitch pulls the football away again.
Tell you what, if Chuck was packing people would stop messing with him.
I don't get it.
I'm not a virgin.
Does sex not count with daytime hookers,
illegal aliens, or 60-year-olds?
I don't know how I'm going to cross Johnny off my list in one day.
He's so pissed when I tell him what I did,
I can't even get to the apologizing and making it up to him part.
There's another staple. That makes six.
I don't know why you just don't skip him and go to another item.
It's not like you're going to live long enough
to actually finish that list anyway.
Wrong.
Earl promised me he'd live forever.
I want to finish the list.
And, if I start thinking about something
I need to cross it off so I can forget about it.
Otherwise, it'll just nag at me.
Everybody freeze!
People, it was a pool cue.
Put the guns away.
- What the hell, Joy? - Stop being a wuss.
If that had been a robber, I would've saved the day.
It's all right, everybody! Just grazed my booby.
I realized I had no choice but to give Johnny another try.
And this time, I had protection.
Sweet Johnny?
I slept with Sheila, made you do stunts so you'd get hurt and I could bang her.
You son of a bitch!
So, I decided to wait out his anger
hoping he'd work his way through it.
And it didn't occur to me he might change weapons.
But, eventually, he got to where he could listen.
Look.
I know you're upset.
I'm really sorry for what I did, but...
I want to make it up to you so, what can I do?
- I'm going to talk to Sheila. - Hold on!
That's not a good idea. There's something you don't know.
You got this brain injury and when you go to sleep,
you wake up thinking it's the same day.
- You've been doing it for 10 years. - 10 years?
That's crazy.
I don't know what kind of trick you're trying to pull on Sweet Johnny,
but it's decidedly unsweet!
What the hell did you bring him here for?
- Sorry, but he wanted to see you. - You idiot.
He's not going to remember any of this in the morning.
Baby, tell me you didn't cheat on Sweet Johnny.
Sweetness, there is nothing for you to get upset about.
Let's just get you back home,
- so you can get ready for your big... - Ass!
Oh, God!
What happened to your ass?
You know I got that lazy thyroid.
But it's huge!
It's like 10 years of ass growth since yesterday.
Oh, God, it's true!
It is 10 years later.
Oh, why?!
So, now you see my problem.
I got to make this up to you in one day
before you go to sleep so, if we could just talk...
Wait!
Johnny, what do you got there?
Is that generic nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, fever,
the best sleep you ever got with a cold medicine?
Johnny, don't do it! Don't go to sleep!
You'll forget everything!
That's the point, Earl. I just want this day to end.
Darnell, have you seen my gun?
Maybe the boys brought it to school.
They mentioned something about being alienated and disillusioned.
Are you trying to make some point?
You know I don't like points, Darnell.
I'm just saying, it's a shame you lost it.
Today the cops are having that "guns for hams" exchange.
Damn you!
How am I supposed to protect my family with a honey-glazed ham?
The next day, I got back to work on Johnny,
but since I knew what I was dealing with,
I was able to get things done a little faster.
- I told him what I'd done... - I thought you were my friend.
let him work out his rage.
I told him about his brain problem...
This is crazy. I'm going to go talk to Sheila.
- took him to see Sheila... - Sheila, tell me all this isn't true.
Oh, hell, not again.
Oh, my God!
I'm really enjoying this, Earl.
No get-out-of-jail-free cards.
And I took him home.
But this time, I came prepared.
Get away from me, you devil!
Calm down, Johnny. I'm going to get you through this.
Eventually, I discovered all Johnny needed
were some kind words once sung by a handsome Cuban man.
Upside, inside out
Livin' la vida loca
She'll push and pull you out
Her skin's the color of mocha
Livin' la vida loca.
Feeling better, buddy?
So it's just like that movie Groundhog Day here.
But instead of Andie MacDowell,
I got a cheatin' ex-girlfriend with a big fat dumper.
And I never get to do my stunt.
Afraid so.
I guess then, that's what you can do for me, Earl.
You can help me do that base jump.
Really?
Do you think we could pull it off right now?
'Cause I kind of need to do it today.
I got everything ready out back.
Apparently, I've double-checked it all 3,654 times.
All right then, let's jump!
I'm going to call the Crab Shack and tell people you're doing a stunt.
Everybody's going to be leaving soon anyway
'cause happy half-hour's almost over.
This is great, give me a "Sweet Johnny!"
So, we went through it one last time.
All right then, let's jump!
Look alive.
At last, the stunt Johnny had waited 10 years to do was ready.
Greetings, people of Camden,
and what's left of the Sweet Johnny Fan Club.
I love you, Johnny!
Thanks, Paul.
I'm going to take this chair,
and I'm going to fly.
And then I'm going to jump off,
and if, uh, Lady Gravity does her job,
you're going to see a stunt that you'll never forget.
I'll never forget you, Johnny!
Thanks again, Paul.
Just dial it down a notch, bro.
All right, Sweet Johnny!
I felt good.
I was a few minutes
from crossing Sweet Johnny off my list
and put what I'd done to him behind me forever.
What the...
You forgot your parachute.
- What the hell are you doing? - Ending it.
If this is my life, with Sheila's ass, I don't want to go on.
You can't kill yourself.
Watch me! Sweet Johnny!
- What are you doing? Help! - Let go!
Sweet Johnny, what are you doing?
Help! Somebody, get me down!
Get me down! Help!
Oh, my God, I did it!
The bottle says I'm not a virgin, I knew it!
Look, Randy! They're going to die!
You know, if I still had my gun,
I could shoot out a balloon and save those idiots.
Joy, now is not the time.
You still can't admit that sometime, somewhere,
there's a good reason to have a gun, can you?
- Admit it! - Yes, I admit it.
When 2 men are floating away in a lawn chair tied to balloons,
and 1 of them has forgot his parachute,
that might be okay to have a gun.
Thank you.
This is America. You didn't think I could get another one?
Is anybody dead?
He's knocked out but breathing.
Well, Darnell, looks like the gun saved the day.
Maybe it's time you recon...
It's okay, everybody!
Just grazed my stinker.
I thought my stunt was tomorrow.
Hey, everybody.
It took Johnny trying to commit suicide
for me to see how selfish I had been,
and how I was really only trying to make me feel better
by crossing Johnny off the list.
Hey, Sweet Johnny.
All right, easy on the squeezy.
I just want you to know something.
I really like you, and I'm sorry.
Well, thanks, Earl.
But there's no reason for being sorry for liking Sweet Johnny.
Sweet Johnny likes you, too.
You mind helping me out?
Some kids must've broken in here last night
and messed up my stunt chair.
Must've kicked my ass while I was sleeping, too.
Somehow I bit halfway through my tongue, little bastards.
For the first time since I started doing my list,
I wasn't going to be able to cross somebody off.
I was going to have to just let it nag at me.
But since Johnny was never going to remember,
it felt right that someone would never forget.
Are you standing there or helping me?
I got a big stunt tomorrow.
I know, I can't wait.
Sweet Johnny!
Subtitles: Jarick & loky