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( MUSIC PLAYING )
Oh, girls, now I know why I keep you all around.
Really?
Just because you like the way that we please you?
Oh, honey, that was supposed to be a compliment.
You girls are the only ones that make me feel this good.
Not even Renfield?
Now that's something different.
Renfield brings a different kind of skill set.
Yes, I've seen his skill set.
It's quite impressive.
It's huge.
Yes, it is, isn't it?
HARKER: Ashley's definitely in there.
MINA: Are you sure?
I see her with my own eyes.
Along with two hotties, and a smoking hot babe.
Well, why would I doubt you?
You've been staring in that window for an hour.
Well, it's steamy in there.
It--and, yeah, that's all I've been doing.
You're a jerk.
Come here.
They made me horny.
Stop, stop. They're gonna hear us.
So I'll put my hand over your mouth while we do it.
Haven't you ever fantasized about that?
You're a sicko.
Sicko?
For God's sake, Mina, I'm your husband.
Well, you know what?
Your timing really sucks.
I thought we came here to hunt vampires
and to collect on this $1 million reward for Ashley?
We did.
But I thought, you know, we could have a little fun.
You mean sex. Exactly.
Whatever, forget it. So what are we gonna do now?
I guess we just stick to the plan.
We're both masseuses making house calls.
But nobody called us.
Don't worry. Let me do all the talking.
What if they ask us
for our massage license or something?
Massage license?
Uh-huh.
Mina, where do you come up with this stuff?
I don't know.
But I do know I have a bad feeling about this.
What do I know? I'm just a sicko.
Don't forget, baby.
I trust lunch was to your liking, Melanie?
It was delicious, Renfield, as usual.
I was actually hoping that we could have dessert
out by the pool.
But I didn't make any dess--
( MELANIE CHUCKLES )
Ohhh.
Dessert.
But of course.
( MUSIC PLAYING )
What is this? Plato's Retreat?
I don't know,
but I think we should check it out.
I bet you do.
For the sake of the reward.
God, Mina.
Mm-hm. Sometimes you have such a dirty mind.
You're right.
I do.
Let me see those.
( GASPING )
( MUSIC PLAYING )
Running round naked.
It's Harker.
I've located Ashley.
Uh-Oi.
Ahem...
We've located Ashley.
Here.
Are you positive?
I just watched her having se--
( CLEARING THROAT )
I mean, she's in the mansion along with two nymphs
and some other woman who was smoking hot.
Miss Dracula?
It couldn't be.
It's, like, 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Think again, Einstein.
Her manservant, Renfield, has come up with some potion
that allows them to exist in daylight.
And they're even stronger too.
Don't you do your due diligence?
My due what?
Never mind.
That potion.
Does it look like cola?
All I know is that it's dark.
Then it was Miss Dracula.
I saw her drink it.
( SIGHING ) Well, I guess we have to come up with a plan B.
Use plan Z for all I care.
The deal's still the same.
No money until Ashley's in my hands.
I know the deal, Van Helsing.
That's a weird name, by the way.
Van Helsing.
It's a nickname.
Is it really? No. Are we done here?
Yeah, sure.
Don't call again until you have Ashley.
( DISCONNECTING CALL )
Come on.
She's here, she's here.
Good.
Well, what's up?
( SIGHING )
Van Helsing's kind of a dick.
That's not what I meant.
Is he still gonna pay $1 million for this chick?
Let me do all the talking.
Oh, I may have to sleep with Miss Dracula
in order to free Ashley.
Try to keep it in your pants, Champ.
May I help you?
( STAMMERING )
Let you do all the talking.
Well, hello, there, gorgeous.
Hi, we're the masseuses.
Please, tell me more.
Oh, boy, you're even hotter up close.
What? Excuse me?
Oh, oh, um, nothing.
( CLEARING THROAT ) The reason we're here...
Right. The reason we're here, well, you see--
( FOOTSTEPS )
Who is it, Renfield?
It's just some masseuses, madam.
Tell them to go away.
I feel like I just wrestled an octopus.
I may need to sleep with him to free Ashley.
Yeah, whatever.
Stress is a part of everyday life.
That's why it's our goal to--
Just leave your table.
You won't need it.
But madam, I thought you didn't enjoy the company of men?
Now, Renfield, that's not entirely true.
You should know that.
You should be able to show Mona a thing or two.
It's Mina,
and I only want to be shown one thing.
She'll be in good hands, sir.
Yeah, I'm in good hands.
For sure.
( MUSIC PLAYING )
Make yourself comfortable, sexy.
Oh, right.
That means, "Take your clothes off,"
if you're one of the stupid ones.
Oh, right.
Go easy, it's a new shirt.
Shut up and kiss me.
( MUSIC PLAYING ) ( KISSING )
( GROANING )
( MUSIC PLAYING )
( MOANING )
Oh. Yeah. Oh. Yeah.
( MOANING )
( MUSIC PLAYS LOUDER )
There's no way you're gonna make that shot.
Not in a million years.
You want a bet?
What will you give me?
I'll let you spank me.
It's a bet.
Get ready to get spanked, Carly.
And if you miss it, you can't sleep with Renfield
for a whole week.
Oh, it's a bet.
( POOL BALL HIT )
Oh, my God, I cannot believe you made that shot.
Damn straight.
Now bend over, bitch.
Well, I guess a bet's a bet.
Drop those shorts, sweet cheeks.
I'm definitely joining this game.
( GIGGLING )
( MUSIC PLAYING )
Ooh.
( MOANING )
( MUSIC PLAYING )
( SMACKING )
And this is just another one of the many bedrooms
in Miss Dracula's mansion.
Wow.
It's so beautiful.
And it's so big.
Why, thank you.
And the room's a pretty good size too.
( GIGGLING ) I get it.
( GIGGLING )
I'm joking.
I'm a big kidder.
But not a liar, I see.
What's that? Oh, nothing.
Okay, moving right along.
What about that room over there?
( SHOUTS ) That room's off limits.
Stay out of there.
Wow, looks like I struck a nerve.
No, it's just that we are--
we're doing some remodeling in that room.
Well.
In that case, I don't blame you.
Right.
Let's move on.
Okay.
Wow!
This staircase is one of the grandest features
of the Dracula mansion.
It's amazing.
Would you like to hear some history on it?
Huh!
Actually, I'd like to make some history on it.
Ohh.
Great minds think alike. ( GIGGLING )
Shall we start with some oral history?
That sounds good to me.
I bet it's a mouthful.
( MUSIC PLAYING )
( BIRDS CHIRPING )
( OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS )
Oh, Jonathan, not again.
Excuse me?
Uh-oh.
Someone's jealous.
( GIGGLING )
( MUSIC PLAYING )
Hi. Hey.
You are cute.
Are you our new yoga instructor?
Yeah, are you gonna teach us some new poses?
Some really dirty ones?
Hannah!
I'm just teasing.
Ladies, please. I'm not your yoga instructor.
We're just screwing with you.
Yeah, we've never had a yoga instructor.
Oh, that's kind of funny.
You should still teach us
some really dirty positions though.
Yeah. ( ALL GIGGLE )
Well, I do have a minute.
You better be kidding, mister.
Because there's three of us here.
Oh, I am.
( MUSIC PLAYING )
( DOOR OPENING )
Renfield, are you done pouting?
I'm sorry?
Oh, no, please.
This is quite a surprise.
Actually, I was looking for my husband.
You just missed him.
After his wonderful treatment, I must have just dozed off.
His hands are great, aren't they?
That too.
And he didn't massage you, did he?
No, not at all.
And the silly thing is, I'm still kind of tense.
Well, I guess I can give you a massage.
That would be lovely.
Why don't we go out there
and maybe you can start right here.
Well, usually I wouldn't start there, but why not?
Let's go.
( MUSIC PLAYING )
Why, it's just a closet.
( SIGHING ) Damn!
She's got to be here somewhere.
( MUFFLED SCREAMING )
Ashley, is that you?
( MUFFLED SCREAMING )
I'm assuming that loud mwwwmmww is you.
Am I correct?
( MUFFLED SCREAMING )
Okay, cool. Stay calm.
I'll be right back.
( BREATHING HARD )
( KEY IN DOOR )
Ohh. ( MUFFLED SCREAMING )
I've come to save you.
Hurry.
If they catch you, they'll kill you.
They'll turn you into a vampire.
I'm not too worried about that.
Well, why are you crying?
They told me my fate was to be turned into a vampire
and die a virgin.
Oh, there, there. I--
Wait. Did you say you were a virgin?
( SOBBING )
That's my boob.
Is that my hand?
Could you untie me?
I guess so, yeah.
You are absolutely gorgeous.
Flattery will get you everywhere.
Second base?
I'm thinking home run.
( ROCK MUSIC PLAYING )
( JAZZ MUSIC STARTS )
Van Helsing.
How are you, my sweet?
Well, shocked would be an understatement.
I feared I may never see you again.
I realize that Renfield is really jealous,
and I should have never let him come between us.
Screw Renfield.
I mean, not literally,
but just don't listen to anything he says.
I knew what you meant.
( MUSIC PLAYING )
Are you going somewhere?
Mina, darling, there you are.
Yeah.
I'm sure you're real happy to see me.
Of course I am.
And who is this?
I'm Ashley.
Oh, well, that changes everything.
Hi.
Nice to meet you, money-- I mean, Ashley.
Charmed, I'm sure.
Quick, Ashley, this way.
You must be one of those masseuses.
Yeah, that's right.
Where's your massage table?
Oh, it's upstairs in Miss Dracula's bedroom.
My husband was up there with her.
A lot of stress on that one.
It's all of that responsibility.
Well, I'd still really like a nice massage.
Yeah, I could use one too.
Make that three.
Oh, well, that sounds great.
But I don't have another table.
Well, that's okay.
We can just do it in the garden.
For the massage?
Yeah, sure.
We can do that too.
( MUSIC PLAYING )
Sorry, sweetheart,
but I know you're only here for the ransom.
( MUFFLED SPEECH )
You were really good though.
( MUFFLED SPEECH )
( MUSIC GETS LOUDER )
Going somewhere, my dear?
Renfield, you scared me.
Did I?
You wouldn't be trying to leave our little love nest,
would you now?
No, I wouldn't think of it.
Okay, good.
You know what happens to people
who try to leave the Dracula Mansion.
Let's go.
Wait.
What is it?
Here we go.
Cue the waterworks.
It's just that-I don't want to--
I know.
You don't want to be turned into a vampire.
No.
I don't want to die a virgin.
( MUSIC PLAYING )
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ Yes ♪
♪ Touch me here ♪
♪ Touch me there ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ And kiss me here ♪
♪ Kiss me there ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ Touch me here ♪
♪ Kiss me there ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ Touch me here ♪
♪ Touch me there ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ Wow ♪
♪ Touch me here ♪
♪ Touch me there ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ Wow ♪
♪ Kiss me here ♪
♪ Kiss me there ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ Wow ♪
♪ Take me here ♪
♪ Take me there ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ Fight with me here ♪
♪ Fight with me there ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ Touch me here ♪
♪ Touch me there ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ Kiss me here ♪
♪ Kiss me there ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ Kiss me here ♪
♪ Kiss me there ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ Stick it in me now ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ Stick it in me now ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ Stick it in me now ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ All night long ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ All night long ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ All night long ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ All night long ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ Tease me here ♪
♪ Tease me there ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ Caress me here ♪
♪ Caress me there ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
So are you gonna let me go?
Ha, not a chance.
But that was great.
Yeah, thanks.
Right back at you.
Thanks a lot.
And after all I've done for you.
Sit down and shut up.
You know, I'm not a virgin anymore.
What?
What was I supposed to do? She threw herself at me.
You're a liar.
And you never told me you were married.
You're a liar. And a jerk.
Oh, really? Well, what about you?
I'll be fine here with Renfield.
MINA: Hm.
Fine doesn't even describe it.
What is all the commotion down here?
Well, it seems that the masseuse
had many more reasons to be here
than just to relieve stress.
Yeah, a million of 'em.
Well, you see, I kind of told the Harkers
I'd give them $1 million if they freed Ashley.
Why would you do that?
I needed a diversion so I could come and see you.
Ah, that's so sweet.
Well, that sucks.
That really sucks.
Well, you know, there's only one thing left to do.
Orgy!
( MUSIC PLAYING )
( MUSIC FADES OUT )