When a woman bends over
a man sees a jelly doughnut.
Her brain expands. His explodes.
Dead on arrival in her powdered jelly doughnut.
Dad.
Daddy?
# I can remember when we walked together
# Sharing a love I thought
# Would last forever
# Moonlight to show the way
# So we can follow
# Waiting inside her eyes
# Was my tomorrow
# Then something changed her mind
# Her kisses told me
# I had no loving arms
# To hold me
# Every day I wake up then I start to break up
# Lonely is a man without love
# Every day I start out then I cry my heart out
# Lonely is a man without love
# Every day I wake up then I start to break up
# Knowing that it's cloudy above
# Every day I start out then I cry my heart out
# Lonely is a man without love
# I cannot face this world that's fallen down on me
# So, if you see my girl
# Please send her home to me
# Tell her about my heart... #
One, two. One, two. Okay, go.
# We are beautiful
# We are not ugly?
# We are angry? #
Hey, honey? I'm home?
Brought you some cookies.
Pignolia nuts.
What's the matter?
Somebody die?
"lf God's gift of grace or the light on your face
"could make me forget your vagina is wet."
Let me see that.
"To Tula, my Tula, my red flower of love."
What are you, a private dick?
How different could it be, huh? It's just a hole.
You can't incriminate a man over some words.
What do you think you're gonna find there? Peanuts?
It's poetry?
Po... Oh, it's poetry.
Well, I'm gonna give you some fucking poetry.
Pink motels. White thighs. Deep fried. Shake it, bake it, rotate it.
Swollen heads. Busted beds. Empty lots. Dirty red twats.
-You just made that up? -I'm deep.
A man is innocent till proven guilty.
I'm gonna lop your power helmet right off.
-Oh, you're gonna threaten me now? -You whoremaster.
-You whoremaster. I smoked your ass out... -No.
-...you two-faced Judas! -I am not a whoremaster!
My brothers, they're the whoremasters! Not me!
Ever since you grew that filthy little moustache!
I am not a whoremaster!
Preening in the mirror like Maria Callas! Put the cologne all over my back, sweetie.
I cook you chicken, fish, no butter low-cal this, low-cal that.
I trim your nose hairs, you fuck!
I swear on my father's grave, okay?
Oh, another whoremaster!
What's going on, Mom?
Oh, your father went on a beaver diet!
-This is not normal. -Grow up.
Only a giant among idiots would marry you.
It's all in your head!
-What? - What's in her head?
He's shitting out of the cup!
Will you listen to her? Listen to your daughter.
Snatch hairs pasted on your lip!
You shut up!
It's between your mother and me!
Knock it off! That's not fucking nice!
It's not fucking nice.
Even Gogo hated you.
Who's Gogo?
I don't like animals.
I don't like cats. I don't like dogs.
I don't like birds. I don't like fish.
I'm like my mother. I don't like animals!
-Who is Gogo? -Mommy's cat.
Every day you'll wake up alone.
You don't even like me anymore, do you?
I hate you with all the hate that you can hate with!
Did you hear that?
Did you hear what your mother said to me?
Can you hate more than that?
If you can, then I hate you more than that.
Then go back to him! Go back to your first love!
Go back to him! Go!
"l can remember when we walked together
"Sharing a love I thought would last forever"
I'd give anything if you'd come back to me. Anything.
# I cannot face this world
# That's fallen down on me
# So, if you see my girl please send her back to me
# Tell her about my heart
# That's slowly dying
# Say I can't stop myself
# From crying
# Every day I wake up then I start to break up
# Lonely is a man without love
# Every day I start out then I cry my heart out
# Lonely is a man without love
# Every day I wake up
# Then I start to break up
# Knowing that it's cloudy above
# Every day I start out then I cry my heart out
# Lonely is a man without love
# Every day I wake up then I start to break up
# Knowing that it's cloudy above
# Every day I start out then I cry my heart out
Oh, three o'clock, three o'clock.
# Lonely is a man without love
# Every day I wake up then I start to break up
# Lonely is a man without love
# Every day I start out
# Then I cry my heart out
# Lonely is a man
# Without love! #
What's the problem?
I'm a married man.
A domestic disturbance was reported, sir.
-Yeah, that's the problem. -Name, sir?
Nick Murder.
-You ever been married? -More than once, sir.
Yeah? What went wrong?
Everything, sir. Am now once again. Third wife, sir.
No, no, no, one wife, that's all a man's meant to have. One wife. It's enough.
Yes, sir.
What's with all the "sir" shit?
Military habit, sir.
Oh, yeah? What branch?
101 st Airborne, sir.
Navy. Sound off!
Rat shit. Bat shit. Dirty old twat. Sixty-nine assholes tied in a knot.
Eat, bite, suck, fuck, nibble, gobble, chew.
I'm a fucking paratrooper! Who the fuck are you? Sir!
-Marriage is combat, son. -Yes, sir.
-And not clean combat. -No, sir.
She's got her territory in there, I've got mine.
She's got her army back in there. I'm out here alone.
There's no prayer in that animal.
-He's a selfish man, Ma. -Something should be done about him.
Drink some water.
I live in fear when he's around.
I love you, Ma. I love you so much.
I love you so much with all my heart and soul. I love you more than my real mom.
I mean, I love her, too but I can't remember her, so...
Rara, come on, come on.
I love Baby, but she doesn't any spend time with me anymore. She's changed.
Enough.
If the love ain't there it's gonna come back, Ma.
Come on. Rara, give her some space. Come here, come here.
Here. Come here.
What did he mean, "Go back to him? " Go back to who?
There was someone else in my life a long time ago.
A gentle man.
You were married to him?
Before the war.
He went off to fight far, far away.
I met your father then.
No, I saw her coming out of the loo at her crazy sister's apartment.
She had this headful of wet hair and was wearing
a soft, cream-coloured terry cloth robe.
So I asked her. I need to borrow a piece of luggage.
-You shacking up? -Ah, ain't nothing wrong with sex.
You have big ones, buster.
Yeah. Dinosaur balls.
I'm from Brooklyn. Boys don't talk to girls like that in Brooklyn.
I felt a sharp pain, like death.
The girl with the kind eyes, I says.
That's the girl. The girl I will marry.
You rat bastard.
I know you're in there.
Where are you?
Lost in the void.
Help me!
Somebody help me!
God had to give me cataracts.
One day you'll be blind like me! In the dark forever, like me!
"Oh, sunlight of no light
"Once you were mine
"Let me feel the pillars upon which this house rests
"Oh, Lord God, remember me, I pray thee
"And strengthen me, I pray thee only this once, oh, God
"that I may revenge myself upon the Philistines for one of my two eyes."
Die, Samson!
"Let me die with the Philistines!"
Wait, I'm coming up. Wait!
I'm not the type of guy who goes up to a woman
says, "You want to go out with me? " and then takes his dick out.
That's not my style. I'm no beast.
What?
I'd like to fuck a woman tennis player.
You know, with the outfit on. And a tennis ball stuck in her panties.
Know what I heard? Tony Curtis almost lost his sex life.
Back in '44 he's on a Navy sub.
A winch falls off
hits him in the base of the spine. Right?
Tony was paralysed.
He was laying there, just, he was praying.
Tony started praying that his private parts would not be dead.
And about a week later he starts to feel a tingling.
Tony fucking Curtis.
What am I gonna do?
Oh, you've got it bad, Nick.
I told you. I warned you.
Chicks smell a boner 10 miles away.
I'd be better off a fag.
Those guys are in shape. Randolph Scott was a fag.
Not Randolph Scott?
Yeah, him and Cary Grant.
Get out of here. Not in a million years.
The list is long. There's a lot of great fags.
Coming up. All right?
And she's a redhead.
Au naturel?
The whole megillah.
It's rare. They feel more. That's scientifically proven.
-What? -You take a natural red versus a brunette.
Right? And you prod them both with a jolt of electric shock, mild.
The carrot-top's gonna need 20% more anaesthesia.
To numb the pain?
Pain, pleasure, it's all nerve-related. The point is, they feel more.
Nice as she is, red as her bush is fuckable as she is
you gotta put the fire out, my friend. Attend to it.
Stamp out that Benson & Hedges bitch once and for all.
All right, you bitch in heat you're going down!
Come down from there right now!
Oh, my God! She's hot!
-I might need some for... -No, but you don't.
Get them when you really need them.
- Sometimes I need -Take one.
-...to have some in the house. -Take one.
Choose one you're gonna keep. Put the other ones back.
All right. One card. I'm gonna get a card. I'm gonna choose one.
-Go ahead. Put the other ones back. -How the hell are you?
-Grace. -What's the matter?
I had diarrhoea yesterday, Grace.
I was in the bathroom when you knocked on the door. Bad.
You've been wronged. I feel it.
You don't have to tell me anything. I have never met one man who was faithful.
-You've only been with one man, Grace. -Till death do us part.
Did you ever feel that you wanted to squeeze a kitten until the head pops off?
All right, put this back. That's enough.
He was a beautiful man, my Chester. A real Southern gentleman.
Quiet. Dark. Graceful.
I still love him with every fibre.
That was 20 years ago, Grace.
Look, don't touch! Don't touch!
-You want to buy it or not? You buy it. -I don't want to buy it. I just...
It's good. All this ones is good. Look at... You can look as much as...
-He's the only man I've ever loved. -He thought you were shoplifting, Ma.
-Don't touch! -I can't help it.
-Tell him to stick his cards up his ass. -You want me to say that?
I'm too weak to break the chains.
I don't feel so good. I mean, I was up and now I'm down.
He's been married four times. Four times, Gracie, since he left you.
Mickey Rooney was married eight times!
I don't care! I love Chester!
What a woman thinks she's doing doesn't count for anything, Grace.
Oh, Kitty.
Okay, okay, that's enough now.
That's enough, that's enough.
When I see somebody hugging it's make me sick.
I feel lonely. So lonely.
Don't make me cry. Please, go out!
# We are not ugly
# And we are not beautiful
# No, we are angry
-Rara, where's Mommy? -Out.
Where?
# We are not pretty
I'm not supposed to say nothing. She told me not to tell you.
# No, we are angry
Church. She went to church.
She went to church?
# We are angry
Went to see God, huh?
God's everywhere.
Don't need to go to church to see him.
You're right, Dad. God is everywhere.
# I'm outta here #
All right, I'm hungry, let's eat. What's for dinner?
We ate already.
-You ate? -Pork chops.
Without me, your father?
Mommy didn't cook for you.
I had three pork chops
Your mother's down there lighting candles and a man's here starving?
-...and apple sauce. -I paid for those pork chops!
Papa wants pork chops.
Medium rare.
Mama ain't...
Mama ain't cookin', bastin'
floppin' pork chops.
-Pork chops! -Lamb chops!
-Lamb chops! Chops, chops. -Loin chops!
# Barometer, parameter # Ooh! Barometer, diameter
# Stuck his meat thermometer and tested her barometer
# Papa pop a cork Fuckin' the pork
# Papa ate out! Gonna take out!
# Take out! Ate out! # Ate out!
# Take out! # Take out! #
# How my heart does rejoice
# When I hear his sweet voice
# And the tempest to Him I do flee
# That to lean on his arm
# Safe, secure from all harm
# When He reached out his hand for me
# For me
# When my Saviour reached down for me
# For me
# When He reached down his hand for me
# For me
# I was lost and undone
# Without my God or his Son
# When He reached down his hand for me
# For # For
# Me #
What have we here? Return of the prodigal daughter?
Come!
Come on in.
# Never, ever gonna give you up #
"Can't get enough of your love, babe."
"I'm gonna love you just a little bit more, Baby."
"I'll do for you anything you want me to."
"Let the music play."
"Your sweetness is my weakness."
You're the best kisser in the whole world Fryburg.
I'm going to make out with your whole family, Baby.
Do it, baby! Do it!
# Didn't I make you feel
# Like you were the only man?
# Didn't I give you everything a woman possibly can?
# But with all the love I give you
# It's never enough
# I'm gonna show you, baby
# That a woman can be tough
# So come on, come on
# Come on, come on
# Take it
# Take another little piece of my heart now, baby
# Break it
# Break another little bit of my heart now, honey
# Have a
# Have another little piece of my heart now, baby
# You know you've got it if it makes you feel good #
Hello? Who's this?
Hey, baby, it's me.
Oh.
Hello.
Did you make love last night?
Love?
No.
So you've lost a night.
Oh, Nicky.
I want you to put your finger up my asshole right now.
Tula.
My pussy's lonely, baby.
Yeah?
Kiss it, nasty man. Come on.
Yeah. Give me those balls that clang.
Don't talk like that, will you?
Well, you know what, Nicky? I can't talk.
I'm just getting fucked by a big, hard young, circumcised cock.
What are you talking about? Are you with somebody else?
You're not here.
What do you want me to do sit around and touch myself?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do. I do.
Let me put the radio on. All right.
All right.
All right, all right, go ahead.
# Come on, come on
So, I put my ass in your face and move it up and down, up and down.
# Come on and take it
# Take an other little piece of my heart now, baby #
Do you like it like that, Nicky, do ya? I'm rubbing my pussy.
Are you getting really hard? How is your foreskin? Is it still on, is it?
Show me your face, big boy! Yeah, that's it, nasty man.
You know what to do. You know all the tricks, don't you?
# You know you got it
# Take it #
It's tasty, isn't it? Come on, lick the icing off me cupcakes.
I'm rubbing myself really rubbing myself hard...
# If you're looking for trouble You came to the right place
# If you're looking for trouble Just look right in my face
# I was born standing up
# And talking back
# My daddy was a green-eyed mountain jack
# Because I'm evil #
Cousin Bo!
What's the trouble, Kitten?
"Breaking in a brand new broken heart?
"Lost that loving feeling?
"Three cigarettes in an ashtray? "
It's worse than any song could say.
If anyone could, the King would. I know, I know the hurt.
Been there. Nick's been shacking?
Not now, Bo.
I'll lay him right out. Boom! Like that.
No one messes with my Special K.
All right, Baby.
Baby, you're the 50-foot woman.
You'd better not be getting hitched.
No! The dummy was just too short.
"Here's looking at you, kid."
I got my teeth fixed.
Good for you, Bo.
Are you circumcised?
What?
Are you circumcised?
Circularise?
No, circumcised!
My circulation's fine.
No. Are you circumcised? You know?
Does a man's calzone look better that way?
Is it more attractive to women with...
I'd like to fuck a woman with a backside as big as the world.
Are you listening to me? I'm talking to you.
Well, who wants to know?
You cocksucker. You should have been a scientist.
It's cleaner. It's cleaner without the foreskin.
Most guys in pornos, John Leslie nobody better.
Yes. I would say, yes.
Are you circumcised?
Hell, no. That shit hurts.
Somebody cuts my dick it better be for vengeance.
# One, two, three, uh!
# Hot pants!
# Hey, hot pants!
# Hot pants! Smokin'! Hot pants!
# Where it's at
# That's where it's at
# Baby, take your Fryburg
# Looks much better with time
I fucking love you!
-# My fever keeps growing -I fucking love you!
# Girl, you're blowing my mind! #
We've got the address, no last name. Find the love shack.
You got a weapon?
Maybe we should stop get something bigger.
I don't need something bigger.
Yes.
Do you have a decrease in libido?
Sure. Thank you.
Do you have a decrease in strength and/or endurance?
Have you lost height? Are your erections less strong?
Has your uncircumcised foreskin
ever resulted in an adverse reaction from your partner?
Does the shape of your glans cause you anxiety?
Are you concerned about inadequate penile hygiene?
If you answered, "Yes, " to question one
Mr Murder, please.
...or at least three of the questions
you may be a candidate for adult circumcision.
I heard you with Fryburg. You make loud noises and I hear them.
You make loud noises?
Yeah. I want to make them, too. I told my psychiatrist.
-What? -What?
I had nothing else to tell him. So...
Fuck off, Fryburg.
I'm a fucking star.
Did he do his Richard Gere for you? Jumping all around in his jockstrap?
Gere!
-Richard Gere, he's hot! -Hot chocolate!
Chetty!
He's got an ass that yodels.
Call me!
Chetty, Junior! Chetty, Junior!
Good God! Chetty!
Mom. Fryburg, Ma!
Was für ein Name ist denn Fryburg? Fryburg?
Chester the Molester.
You're just jealous.
Look, I know that you know that I know that you want me, Connie-lingus.
Don't you talk to her like that, you animal! I'll put your head in a pillory!
Your father called.
So?
He wants to come to your sister's house for the holidays.
How am I going to face him?
Some day, somewhere, somehow
I am going to go up in one of those metal cans and I am gonna fly away.
Far away.
Okay, this is the block.
That redheaded skank is going down.
# Someone I belong to
I've got your back.
# Doesn't belong to me
Men. They blow smoke up your ass
make you pregnant
then go hunt for new snapper.
# Someone who can be faithful
# Who knows that I have to be
# Why must I be alone?
# So
# Why can l
# On my own
# So
# Alone from night to night you find me
Is Tula here?
# Too weak
Does that bitch live here?
# To break the chains that bind me
No.
# I need no shackles
# To remind me
# I'm just a prisoner
# Of love
# For one command
# I stand and wait now
# For one who's master of my fate now
Yeah, baby.
# I can't escape
# For it's too late now
# I'm just a prisoner of love
# Just a prisoner of love
# Oh, I'm just a prisoner of love
# What's the good of my caring
Give it up.
# If someone is sharing
# Those arms
# With me
# Although he has another
# I can't have another
# 'Cause I'm
# I'm not free
# He is in my dreams
# Awake or sleeping
# Upon my knees
# To her I'm creeping
# His very life, my very life
# Is in his keeping
# Oh, I'm just a prisoner of love #
Thongs, half bras, full bras
g-strings, push-up bras, teddies garter belts, crotchless panty hose.
Fuck bloomers. That's what I sell.
To rich, tan, bored housewives
who take the fat from their ass-cheeks and inject it into their lips.
If you're gonna kiss someone's arse, then you should know that's what you're kissing.
Personally, I think kissing's sexier than shagging
but you're sucking on chicken fat there.
Not that their husbands mind.
You know, they're out buying big homes, buying paintings
going to the fucking opera taking one up the bum for the Queen
while the misses are out sticking their fannies in my face.
Does my bum look big in this? Can you see my cellulite?
What they need, these women is a good old-fashioned horsefuck.
They can buy all the new panties they want but they get stained, don't they?
Stained panties, part of life no matter how hard you wipe.
I think you're dead sexy.
Not at first.
Then one day, I looked up and I saw you working with your shirt off and your gut out.
"That's a man " I said to myself.
A real man.
Someone to take me down the pub for a pint.
You're way too old for me but I figure you only go round once in life.
I've got, what, 75 years if I don't get hit by a bus?
I want to kiss you, big man.
I want to give you a big, sloppy, wet kiss.
You won't tell anyone, right?
Inch by inch
the elephant fucked the ant.
Ouch.
I'm qualified to satisfy you.
Don't worry, kid. We'll find the ho.
We've got to think like Kojak. "Who loves you, baby? "
We'll smoke her redheaded ass out then we'll let the music play.
What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing.
Who knows what anybody's doing?
Some people fear the Lord.
I fear women.
What really happened
between you and Roe?
Roe
was my first love.
I traced her name in cowshit. She was "my first
"my last, my everything."
Was it, um, true, I mean, that you had...
What?
Um.
Trouble?
Only with Roe.
With other chicks
I'm Barry White.
I go to the meat market I'm in and out like car service.
-Okay, okay. -I don't mean to be crude, but it's the truth.
Maybe I knew her too well.
I don't know.
Is that why she left?
She met the Greek.
Come here.
Come up here.
# I saw the light on the night that I passed by her window
# I saw the flickering shadows of love on her blind
# She was my woman
Spank, spank!
# As she deceived me I watched and went out of my mind
# My, my, my, Delilah
# Why, why, why, Delilah?
# I could see
# That girl was no good for me
# But I was lost like a slave that no man could free
# At break of day when that man drove away I was waiting
The Greek!
# I crossed the street to her house and she opened the door
Roe!
Why?
# She stood there laughing
# I felt the knife in my hand and she laughed no more
# My, my, my, Delilah
# Why, why, why, Delilah?
You stabbed me.
# So before
# They come to break down the door
# Forgive me, Delilah I just couldn't take any more
# So before
# They come to break down the door
# Forgive me, Delilah, I just couldn't take
# Any more! #
Bo?
Roe?
Bo.
Loser.
# I know a guy who's tough but sweet
# He's so fine, he can't be beat
# He's got everything that I desire
# Sets the summer sun on fire
# I want candy
# I want candy #
Wait, whoa, whoa! What are you... What is going on here?
What are you wear... That...
Oh, my God. That's Mrs Lipshitz's daughter's dress.
What is she gonna say if she sees that?
She's gonna say that I look better than her daughter Stacy in it.
That's what she's gonna say.
-Take it off. -No.
-Right now. Take it off. Now! -It's wasted on her. I'm not taking it off!
They're engaged.
You two must think I'm the cucumber in the gardener's ass.
Your mother know about this, Chetty?
Yes, Chetty, does your mother know?
Fryburg does as Fryburg pleases. Fryburg is a free man!
I don't care if he calls himself Melvin the Moon Man
he's not marrying my daughter.
-You're not going to come to my wedding? -I'm coming.
Your mother's not coming to the nuptials?
-Hold on. -Ma, you want a hit?
If I died and was born again no, I'm not coming.
I'm your daughter! Your baby daughter!
I'm in love, Ma.
Love is the vaguest word in the human vocabulary.
-My head is full of Fryburg. -It's terrible and beautiful.
-His lips fill my dreams. -Empty glasses.