[loud bang]
[another loud bang]
[loud bang]
(male voice, off, British accent) The year: 1095 AD.
The once mighty Byzantine Empire
and the holy land of Jerusalem
continue to fall under the wrath of the soldier Turks.
[sounds of battle]
In retaliation,
Pope Urban II calls upon all devoted knights of Europe.
Thousands take up arms.
Thus is the beginning of the Crusades.
A holy war that would last for over 200 years,
giving birth to the strongest religious military force
the world had ever known,
the order of the Knights Templar.
And from their ranks arose one of their greatest leaders,
Lord Mordest McGirk Gregoire of Redding.
Many believed his sword was blessed by God himself.
[sounds of battle]
[shouting]
[groan]
(male voice) I have counted the gold, and it is quite a sum.
(male voice No. 2) Just as you have made your pact
with the devil.
Truly you and I have given our lives
to the service of the king.
There is talk we captured a wagon full of gold today.
I am better than you.
This opportunity together.
You will have none of it.
[voices overlapping]
[overlapping laughter]
Let there be--
I would rather be eaten by a pack of wolves.
There's been a lot of your evil--
You must keep them divided--
Behind you!!
[overlapping]
I shall enjoy enough fortune for ten lifetimes of excess!
(Gregoire) You've lost your way.
(male voice) Nay, brother. I have found it.
And I will attain it with the treasure in yond wagon.
Now Gregoire, it is time for you to die.
So be it.
You've made your pact with the devil.
You will have your ten lifetimes of excess
but then--
I will come for you.
All of you.
[sword stabbing flesh]
[rumble of thunder]
[gasp]
[sword stabbing flesh]
[gasp]
[last breath]
[peal of thunder]
[approaching footsteps]
(male priest) My brothers,
I must speak to you in regarding the order of business
for which we have gathered here tonight.
Seven hundred years have passed.
And as prophesied, the ordained time will soon be upon us.
It will be your duty
to reunite their kindred spirits
so that he may fulfill his destiny
and as spoken from his lips to God's ear,
he will return for his vengeance
and deliver the souls of the accursed
to...hell...
for all eternity.
[modern day rock music]
[engine running]
(Jake) That's it, I guess.
Wow, it's a castle.
(Cecilia) Yeah, enjoy your stay, Jake.
What's your name again?
Cecilia.
That's a pretty name.
Thank you.
Pretty girl, pretty name.
Small car.
[owl hoots]
Okay.
Hello?
Nobody home.
[church bell ringing]
[ringing continues]
Wow.
[moan]
[moaning]
(Gregoire) I will come for you.
For all of you.
Hello.
[Italian style music playing softly]
(male voice) Continuing warrior position.
Your knee directly above your ankle.
Your leg comes directly on the floor
like a pillar.
The black glove at hand.
You are a pillar of strength.
As you settle, relax your lower back--
[shouting]
[sound of sword and thunder]
[shout]
Oh, God. It's getting worse.
What's happening to me?
[approaching footsteps]
(nun) A package for you, Father Paul.
What is it?
I don't know.
I found it on the altar, along with this note.
Well, what does it say?
It just reads 'Father Paul'.
I don't want to be disturbed.
By anyone.
(shopkeeper) There you go.
(conversation in foreign language)
No? Not yours.
[many voices speaking loudly]
Lord Gregoire.
Thank you, Malcolm. My most valiant warrior.
I know not what we would do without your swordsmanship
and that, of your brother Menas.
Although from a land quite foreign to us, Armenia,
we are truly blessed to have both the first
and the second greatest warrior
of all the Mediterranean fight by our sides.
Thank you, my lord.
But, it is your sword that guides us.
Stand in my light, brother.
Fast and righteous.
I am the best.
How does it feel to be number two, Menas?
How would it feel to be dead?
...defending the true cross, my brothers.
Once more, you have fought bravely and with great honor.
(Renault) As have you, Gregoire. As have you.
I thank you, Renault, my fellow knight.
Gregoire--
there is talk we captured a wagon full of gold today.
Is this true?
Yes, Renault. A wagon full of gold.
The grand master will be very pleased.
And all in the name of the cause.
As you know, there are those who are not able
to make the correct choice of following God.
They are not free in mind, body, or spirit.
Blinded by the ill forces of evil.
Fortunately, however--
we have blessed with the charge--
to provide all mankind with the opportunity to go their own way.
These heathens, upon whom we drew swords this day,
made it their trade to scorn and persecute
defenseless men, women, and children of pureness.
But, with the strength of our gallant horses
and the might of our skillful swords,
these tyrants shall spread evil no more.
[crowd shouting]
We are the Knights Templar!
Yeah!
[all shouting "Templar"]
Templar!
[Classical Music]
[knocking at door]
Hello?
Oh.
Hi.
Who are you?
I be Shauna the chef.
Shauna? The chef?
They told me you were a--cook.
Ah, they lied to you.
Evidently.
Who, uh--
who would be in charge of me money?
Oh. Hello. I'm Jake McCallister.
Weekend Coordinator.
- And--? - And--?
And me money?
You haven't cooked anything yet, Shauna.
Huh, perhaps you're right.
You have pretty eyes.
Ohhh--
you're so nice.
And you're so sweet.
Ohhh--
[barks]
Ah!
[both laughing]
Ooh. Okay.
[stuffed nose]
(Jake) Excuse me, can I help you?
[clears throat]
Do you have my pay?
Pay? Who are you?
[clears throat]
Allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Benoit, the butler's for the weekend.
Oh, you're Benoit the butler?
Good timing.
I got some grocery bags
at the general store I gotta pick up.
Do you mind helping me?
No.
(female voice) Then there is my son.
I told him not to marry that woman,
but he did.
[crying] No one is listening to me anymore.
Everyone is leaving me behind.
Father Paul?
Well, it's showtime.
(Jake) Welcome everyone.
Benoit will take your luggage to your rooms.
Orientation in 15 minutes. Refreshments are inside.
Excuse me, Miss? Do you mind identifying your luggage?
I have nothing else.
(Benoit) Thank God.
Well? The bags?
Thank you.
Hey, stud. Have a light?
Um, I don't smoke.
That's not what I asked.
I win, you lose.
[cough]
Win? I didn't know we were competing.
What's wrong with competition?
[clears throat]
Although it looks like you're not gonna be much competition.
- Henry, right? - Yeah.
I read your file, what you're into.
It's not that I'm judging you,
the whole animal thing.
Uh, we're cool. Don't worry, boss, just competing."
This one right here.
I'm gonna do dirty shit to that one.
I don't think so, dude.
She's, uh, she's here for a different reason.
It doesn't matter. This is my time.
I'll do whatever the fuck I want.
Dude, I said not her. Okay? Leave it alone.
- Sorry. - No, it's cool. I like it.
We're competing already. It's good.
If you do that again, I'm gonna cut your fuckin' throat.
Alright?
Okay. Bad boy.
Whatever.
Is somebody missing?
The other one never showed up.
I hope that doesn't ruin your plans.
My plans? Why would it ruin my plans? Less work.
Well, they're all yours now.
Yep. Um--
am I supposed to tip you?
Hm. Tip me?
It was an honor just being in your presence.
Okay. Uh-- well, thanks pal.
[eerie whispering]
It was a pleasure serving you.
We wish you the best of luck.
Godspeed.
Hi, I'm-- I'm Amy.
Hi, Amy. I'm Jake.
So you're the--
So you're a professional events coordinator?
Actually, no.
I was doing a play,
and a guy approached me after the show.
And he just like, gave me the gig.
He said he was from-- Switzerland, I think.
(Amy) Oh, you're an actor.
That is so cool, I love reality TV.
Reality TV?
Hello, everyone.
And welcome to our individual fantasy getaway weekend.
My name is Jake McCallister,
and I'll be your host and events coordinator.
My mission is to make sure everything is carried out as planned.
That's my task.
I believe that's why I'm here.
Now, can anyone tell me the number one rule?
Amy.
We're not supposed to tell anyone why we're here
because it will ruin the surprise and defeat the challenge.
Excellent. But, as coordinator,
I will know each of your personal agendas.
Let's meet up, Celine--
Henry--
Amy--
and Japoniko, right?
Am I saying that correctly?
Do you mind if I talk to you alone?
I read your file on the plane.
I didn't see your request for the weekend.
In order for me to purvey your activities, I--
You don't know why you're here, do you?
I'm Events Coordinator.
[car horn honking]
We'll talk later. Okay?
Okay guys, grab a snack,
and I'll be right back.
[honking]
[loud upbeat music]
Let me guess, you must be Ashley.
- That's me. - You weren't supposed to drive,
you were supposed to be picked up at the airport
like everybody else. Those are the rules.
Rules I make up as I go along.
♪ Talk to my hand
Alrighty then, Ms. Ashley.
Come on inside, meet the guests,
and I'll take care of your luggage.
Great. Uh--store it in the garage over there.
[keys hit ground]
and--no scratches.
Hmph.
(Jake) Hey everybody, this is Ashley.
- And she's going to be-- - Leaving. I'm outta here.
(Jake) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You can't leave. You just got here.
Besides, you won't get--
I am not spending one moment
with a bunch of goddamn low lives.
They're not even in my social class.
Look at this one.
Her family is low to middle income, if lucky.
Look at the cheap outfit she's wearing.
My mother made this shirt for me.
"My mother made this shirt for me."
No fucking class.
You need a milieu with socialites like myself.
Jetsetter getaway weekend, my ass.
Get my luggage, boy. I'm leaving.
You can't buy class.
What did you say?
I said, you can't buy class.
And what's that supposed to mean?
Evidently, you can't buy intelligence, either.
And who are you to tell me what to do?
I'm the events coordinator.
You call that a job?
Yeah. The ends justify the means.
That sounds like something
a fucking unemployed game show host would do.
Yeah, kind of like an actor
doing dinner theater in Schenectady.
You're a loser. You're all fucking losers.
Shut up.
I've had enough of the offending language.
Your leaving now means absolutely fucking nothing.
[gasp]
Go. Get your own luggage.
You'll hear from my attorney.
[beep]
Oh, darn it.
[grrr]
[meow]
It's all right. It's okay.
[snarls angrily]
[eerie voice indistinct]
(eerie male voice) Hear me, Gregoire.
You cannot escape your destiny.
We must keep them divided.
I would rather be eaten by a pack of wolves
than allow your evil venom to course through my veins.
[shouts]
[laughing]
[shouting]
[Jake shouting, distant]
[thuds of guitar on floor]
Deceit--betrayal--revenge.
[laughing]
(different male voices) Forgive me, my lord.
Pretend!
[overlapping voices]
Deceitbetrayalrevenge .
Gregoire. Gregoire.
Deceitbetrayalrevenge.
[shout of pain]
[spear digs in flesh]
Help me, my lord.
It is your time.
It is your place.
(speaking foreign language)
Ugh, he didn't fucking cover it!
[grunting]
Oh, you are so sued.
[metallic scraping]
[ignition clicking]
Come on.
Come on!
Oh, what the fuck.
He disconnected my battery cables.
Very funny, asshole.
[pop music playing]
What is this shit?
I hate oldies.
["Magic" playing, sung by Pilot]
Who the hell are you?
♪ Ho, ho, ho, It's magic ♪
♪ You know
Who the hell are you?
What is this, a masquerade ball?
How come I wasn't invited?
You can see through there?
♪ Never believe It's not so ♪
[shout]
♪ Never been awake Never seen a day break ♪
♪ Leaning on my pillow In the morning ♪
[distorted] ♪ Lazy day in bed
♪ Music in my head
♪ Crazy music playing
[distorted] ♪ In the morning light
[gasping]
[choking]
(Henry) You see the way he grabbed her throat?
The guy's a fuckin lunatic.
Seriously, both of you stay away from him.
I think it's kinda sexy, the way he takes charge.
Like a tiger.
Yeah? You like that? You like the rough stuff, right?
Sometimes I like it rough. And hard.
What about you? You like the rough stuff?
No, no one's ever stuck up for me before.
Whatever.
So a tiger, huh? I can be a tiger.
Here you go.
Thank you. What's that?
I don't know. Somebody left it here awhile ago.
Where's Japoniko?
Where's the television?
There isn't one.
(Shauna) Jake, where are me groceries?
Oh, um, I was just on the way.
We want our guests to eat tonight.
Can I tag along with you?
Um, you know the rules.
That no one can leave the property, I understand.
Right. You know what?
Okay guys, until I get back,
Amy is now in charge of recreation.
- Me? - You.
But you haven't given me any formal training.
Listen. Your reason for coming here this weekend was what?
To build confidence, right?
So sometimes it's best to just jump in the water.
Get a little wet. You'll be fine.
I hope so. Cause one day I want to be a good assistant to someone.
Assistant? That's kinda odd because I see you
more as a leader of men.
You have unlimited potential.
You think so?
You'd be great.
[door closes]
So. What do you guys feel like doing?
I guess relax, grab a snack,
and wait for Mr. Weekend Coordinator to get back.
I can think of one or two things to do.
Or three.
(Amy) We could play a game.
There's four of us, we could do teams or--
I didn't come here to play games.
Okay, silly idea.
We could play strip poker.
I'm not good at cards.
Even better.
What is that?
It looks like an old story book.
What's it about?
The inscription reads,
'Here tells a tale of passion,
loyalty, deceit, betrayal, and revenge.'
Sounds good to me. You read to us.
Okay. Here we go.
(Amy, reading) An omniscient moon
radiates through the night.
We find ourselves in a time when men
(male voice overlapping) would bravely and honorably
fight and die
in the name of the true cross.
We see the remains of a small band of Templar knights.
Sergeants and stewards,
all of whom were pushed out of their homelands quite some time ago.
It is the aftermath of yet another long day of battle.
Their coats of mail vary in color
to distinguish their rank.
However, all their uniforms have one thing in common:
they all proudly bear the eight pointed cross,
a symbol of purity
and a reflection of the crusaders' vow of chastity.
Gregoire, the leader of this band of Templar knights,
takes in his surroundings
and the results of the day's events.
He is our hero.
Wait, wait, wait. What's this hero guy look like?
(Celine) It's a storybook. You make up hero.
He can look like whatever you want.
Whoever I want?
(Henry) Lord Gregoire!
(Gregoire) What do you have for me?
- An apple, my lord. - Thank you.
- Thank you, my lord. - I'll enjoy this.
You stand in my way, sergeant. What is your name?
Melkon.
You find humor in this?
Well, t'is a little foreign to my ear.
Did I miss something of importance here?
We fought victoriously today
under the leadership of Lord Gregoire.
Lord Gregoire, yes, I've heard of him.
He's one of the greatest leaders of our time.
Really? Catch.
Mm. Delicious.
So this is where you've been all day, huh?
Picking apples.
Hm. What can I say?
I love the orchard.
[shouting]
And the blood? Is it yours?
[grunts and groans]
It is now.
Messy business, huh, this apple picking.
It is. How are you, my brother?
I'm ready to go to battle again on your command, my lord.
I'm not your lord, I am your brother.
Yes, my lord.
[horse neighs]
(stunted speech) We won, Gregoire, we won!
Yes, again we were victorious.
When will I be ready to fight, my lord?
We've spoken of this, Koko.
Every day!
Then when?
It is not your time, little one.
It is not your place.
You always say--
Koko, is there not somewhere of more importance
where you should be?
Yes, my lord.
Then get there.
Aha, yes, my lord. Yes, my lord.
But when you need me, I am ready.
[laughing]
Get that from him.
He is waiting for the day
you allow him to shield and fight.
And he'd be lost in an instant.
His strength lies not in sword, dear Melkon--
but in here--
his heart. Sergeant?
Vicinity scouted, my lord. All sound.
Excellent. Where's Devereux?
Dwyer?
How many did we lose?
Nearly a third, my lord.
Prisoners?
Prisoners?!
None, they would not surrender, my lord.
Ah. Such valor.
If only their beliefs were proper.
Ah then, scour the acre.
We leave no man behind.
We've already been around twice, my lord.
Then you need only scour once more.
Yes, my lord.
[knocking]
(Father Paul) Hello? Anybody home?
[door creaks]
Hello, children.
I heard we had some visitors in town,
and I wanted to take the opportunity--
(Shauna) Who is it?
Oh, hello Father.
Is there something we can help you with, Father?
Because if this is about money donations,
we happen to be short on money at the moment.
This is not about money.
It's just that I wanted to welcome you to town
and take the opportunity to invite you to the house of God.
That's peculiar, Father, because
well, I'm from here, and so is she, and, um--
we've never seen you before.
You attend Mass?
- No. - No.
Well, that's why you haven't seen me.
But now we know each other,
I'll be sure that I see you again very, very soon.
And I'm looking forward to it.
Well, who do we have here?
I'm really glad I stopped by.
It's certainly--
a refreshing surprise--
to have you all here.
And it's more than I had bargained for.
I'll see you in church. All of you.
Sunday in church.
It's weird, I feel like I know him.
So do I.
But it's most strange,
he's not the only one I feel like this about.
(Jake) Any good?
Oh hey. I didn't see you come in.
So, any good?
Oh, that? No, just a hobby I picked up.
Mostly for cardio.
You know, trying to keep the old midsection flat.
I've tried so many things. Tennis, swimming.
But, uh-- that one stuck. Go figure.
Thank you.
So, what can I do for you?
Oh, right. I'm at the Rhein estate
I'm here to pick up an order for a, uh, chef called Shauna
Irish. Crossdresser.
That's her--him.
Him.
Coming right up.
Thank you.
Yeah, he comes in here, uh--
once in a while with that Benoit guy.
Crafty couple those two.
Couple? They know each other?
You could say that, yeah.
They're not like, married.
No, just living in sin.
Times have changed. How much I owe you?
You're all set.
The people that own that estate, they have an account here.
Alrighty then--
have yourself a nice day.
You too.
Say--
do I know you from someplace?
You ever been on a reality TV show?
No. Wrong guy.
Ah.
Hey, um--
You need help. As far as--
The bags, I'll help getting them into your car.
Naw, I'm on foot.
Alone?
Yes, alone.
Ha. Well, you've got yourself a load there
that might just be too heavy for you to carry.
Tell you what, if you need a ride
I can just close up the store for ten minutes,
that's all it'll take. It's okay.
It's my responsibility. They're mine.
All of them.
A simple, more peaceful life.
Well, goodbye old friend.
[door opens and closes]
So how does that sound?
Sounds good, but the music?
No blues, no jazz.
Are you going out?
Yeah, for a bit.
Down to the pub. Mickey is hosting a poker party
for some out of town patsy.
It's a lock, should triple this.
So Mickey will have his hands on the deal then.
Make sure that you triple this as well.
Mi amor.
[kissing sounds]
Save me a plate, will ya?
[engine starts]
Yeah, what are you doing here?
- [gushy sound] - [shout]
- [gushy sound] - [scream]
[scream echoing]
[birds chirping]
Well, it's about time.
It was a long walk.
So, uh--where's Benoit?
Who?
Benoit, the butler?
Ah, yes, yes, yes.
I saw him for only a moment.
He's working hard on something, I think.
I'm sure.
Well, um--
you're doing a great job.
And--
American, a little bonus.
Ah.
[kiss]
Enjoy it while you can.
[music]
[wolf howls]
(Celine) I cannot believe those men.
Taking a lifetime vow of poverty.
(Henry) And chastity? Come on.
I know were not supposed to speak about why we're here
but I believe you know my reasons, what I am.
It's pretty obvious; you're a prostitute.
And money talks.
Is this a problem?
Nope, not for me.
I'm here for a sex weekend.
Good. Then it works for me and for you.
How about a little sample?
Yes.
[Henry moans]
Oh, you dirty little whore.
[moaning]
Oh, you dirty little whore.
[groans]
All better now.
I knew it was you.
[loud bang]
[panting]
[moaning]
[running faucet]
[closes faucet]
[old fashioned music]
(shop owner) I need to get the plumber to work on that thing.
[music continues]
Shauna--
Whoa. Jesus Christ.
I don't believe this.
Now I have to cook-- and clean.
[sighs]
We should have take-out.
(Amy) You're all back, great.
I read a little ahead and the story picks up the next day
after Gregoire gives a speech to his men.
[birds crying]
(Renault) But then again,
Gregoire might not be so easily persuaded.
We must keep them divided and unarmed
if we are to meet with success.
[wood snaps]
You have a question?
Are we enough? What if Gregoire resists?
His sword is said to be blessed by God himself.
That is why we must hold to our course.
Catch them--unawares.
And what of Melkon?
He is known to fight with the strength of a dozen men.
What say you to that, brother?
He is your blood.
[unsheathes sword]
I never liked his shadow.
Some say he is slightly better.
[shout]
[thuds]
Could not that have waited until after?
No.
[sound of sword]
You--shall take his position. Yes, my lord.
Bury the body in the brush.
And the head.
Pick it up!
Thank you.
Have I forgotten something?
You spoke not of the division.
Yes, my lord. What is our share?
You shall each receive a tenth.
A tenth?
Each?
Hmm. More than twenty fold your greatest harvest.
Milord.
(soldier) Over there! Koko!
He spies on us!
(Renault) Catch him!
[grunting]
Bring the freak here.
Alive.
[Koko, grunting]
Hold him.
Higher!
[grunting]
You're no match for Gregoire and Melkon.
[slap]
Bind him and gag him. Hide him close by.
That gold shall be mine--
be he with us or against us.
[horse neighs]
[galloping horse approaches]
Have you gathered the volunteers, sergeant?
Renault, Menas and several others offered before we need ask.
Interesting.
But all that gold, my lord?
Will so few men suffice?
A party of too many will draw suspicion, sergeant.
Have the men meet us at the abbey in a day's time.
- Yes, my lord. - Godspeed, my lord.
(Amy) I can't believe it.
Gregoire and Melkon are gonna walk right into the trap.
Maybe they will be persuaded by Renault.
If Gregoire is smart, he will listen
and they will steal the gold together.
(Amy) But Gregoir isn't like that, nor is Melkon.
(Henry) Then he's in trouble, so is Melkon.
Because Renault, Menas definitely want the gold.
(Japoniko) Are you blind or just stupid?
It wasn't about the money for Menas.
(Henry) Then what's the excuse?
One brother's dick's bigger than the other brothers?
[chuckles]
Come on.
At least, if it's about money
then there's a reason, right?
[chuckles]
I agree.
Money is a great motivator.
Money isn't everything and it's not a reason
to turn against each other.
Yeah, whatever. I need a cigarette.
My ass is sore from sitting, playing cards, couch.
I think I soak in tub before dinner.
Are you coming?
No, I think I'm gonna stay here for a second.
Hm!
(male voice) Do I know you from some place?
(male voice) Goodbye, old friend.
[old fashioned music]
[thunder]
I would like to have bath.
But there is no towels.
Bring some up to me?
In a moment.
How long before dinner's ready?
Soon.
I would like to have you now.
I'm not on the menu.
Maybe I can change that.
There's no smoking in the kitchen.
What's your problem with me?
Are you gay?
Why don't you want me?
How's this for a little incentive?
I'm not a paid up customer.
For you, I make exception.
[rumble of thunder]
I don't think so.
It's not why I'm here.
Oh, I will try to remember this.
But it might not be so easy.
Especially if you continue to let me make it so hard.
[gasp]
Or maybe you like to be the one in charge.
Is that it?
Would you like it better if you have to take it--
like an animal, like an animal, like an animal?
[panting]
I'd slap you right now,
but you'd probably like it.
Do you like to play rough, Jake?
[hard breathing]
[thunder]
Just with assholes.
Who are you to judge me for what I do?
[distant thunder]
Prostitution may be one of the oldest professions, Celine,
but it doesn't make it proper in my eyes.
But that's not it.
What I despise most about you, Celine,
isn't what you do, but who you are...
deep down inside, and that over time,
you've done absolutely nothing to correct it.
Fine, but in the meantime remember what I am.
Of course, you're a dirty--little--whore.
[trembling voice] Yes, a dirty little whore.
It's been very weird.
In all honesty,
you'll get what's coming to you,
and more-- much, much more.
Now get out of my kitchen.
Hm.
[thunder]
[loud thunder]
[crashing thunder]
Huh.
[pop music, male voice sings indistinct]
[rattling]
Hello?
Mr. Jake, is that you?
Did you change your mind?
It's your loss. Not mine.
Hm.
[turns up volume of music]
♪ I beg you not to go But you said goodbye ♪
♪ Now you're telling me All these lies ♪
♪ I hear you knocking
[humming along]
Mirror mirror, on the wall--
Ah. You know you want me.
♪ I hear you knocking
Ooh.
[distant music]
Music's kinda loud, huh?
[music becomes distinct]
♪ Ohhh, yeah!
♪ Come on
♪ Oooh Hooo!
On the count of three.
One, two, three.
[laughing]
What? You want more?
Hm? Hm? Oh!
[giggles]
Oh. What?
You want more?
What? You can't handle it?
Uh-uh-uh.
No. Not for you, Jake.
[giggles]
♪ I hear you knocking
♪ Go back where you been
♪ I told you Way back in '52 ♪
♪ That I would Never go with you ♪
♪ I hear you knocking
♪ But you can't come in
[humming]
♪ I hear you knocking
♪ Go back where you've been
[roaring]
[scream]
[splashing]
[scream]
[sound of sword in flesh]
[shouting]
[knocking]
Celine? Do you mind turning down the music a little?
[gasping]
♪ You better get back To your use-to-be ♪
♪ 'Cause your kind Of love ain't good to me ♪
[gasping]
What's going on in there?
I didn't get a radio in my room.
♪
[volume goes all the way down]
Thank you!
I speak and people listen.
[loud gasping]
You're back. Great.
Maybe I can continue with the story.
Yeah, why don't you read some more to us?
[owl hoots]
[wild animal cries]
[horse neighs]
[whinnies]
Claudius--
easy.
[snorts softly]
You seem pensive.
What are your thoughts, Melkon?
Of no import, my lord.
We have no boundaries. You may speak to me.
That is it. Ha.
That is just it. With you, there is no jealousy,
no avarice, no scorn.
But with my own blood brother--
Melkon.
Ill will betwixt brothers has ever been common.
Look at Romulus and Remus,
Cain and Abel--
My brother is no Cain!
[snorting]
Forgive me, please.
I should not have raised my voice at you.
It is understandable.
Your brother's contempt occupies your thoughts.
My worries may be for naught.
Let us hope.
[patting]
But there is one thing more.
Speak your heart.
T'is nothing--really.
Malcolm, speak to me.
It is just a thought that troubles me betimes.
And that is?
Trading my sword for a simple, more peaceful life.
Ah. Yes. But only betimes.
Pray, misunderstand me not, my lord.
Being the best does too have its advantages.
Hm, yes. Worship--
praise, adoration.
- No. - No?
Then of what advantage do you speak, brother?
It allows me to be in your presence, my lord.
[soft snorting]
[patting] Let us ride.
Thank you, my lord.
[horse neighing]
I'm not your lord.
I am your brother, Melkon.
[horse neighs]
My lord, they are here.
Arm yourselves. Be not obvious.
On my signal.
[mutters to himself] My time is now.
(Gregoire) Easy, Claudius, easy.
[horse snorts softly]
Whoa.
I have counted the gold,
and it is quite a sum.
You have done well, Gregoire.
We have done well.
The Grandmaster will be very pleased.
Though wrested from the hands of evil,
this unforeseen treasure will serve great purpose.
Many hungry will be fed tonight.
Many poor will be clothed.
The villages, restored.
All in the name of the cause.
You speak naught but the truth, brothers.
Has anyone seen Koko?
Ah, he is fetching water for travel.
Hm.
Might I have a word with you, Gregoire?
Of course.
(male voice) Brother--
could you share with me your, uh--
shielding technique with the dagger thrust?
Gregoire?
Come, let us talk, brother.
When thrusting in with the dagger, and then over--
We turn to our weapons, milord.
Will you have us put a sharp edge to your dagger and sword?
Indeed. I thank you.
And yours, my lord?
[snorting]
Be careful with it, please.
Ah, such magnificence.
I shall give it a fine edge, my lord.
But gingerly, sergeant,
I need enough steel to last yet 100 battles more.
Yes, 100 battles more.
Truly you and I have given our lives
- to the service of the true cross. - Oh?
And yet, strange, is it not,
we have been granted not for our years of loyal service.
No tribute for a life of poverty, chastity and obedience.
No reward.
Oh, Renault. Old friend.
You are tired, and you are weary from battle.
You mean not what you say.
But there are the others.
Knights that are paid to fight
and they are allowed to keep their winnings.
Mercenaries? Those who covet glory and riches?
We are not warmongers, Renault.
We are of a different breed.
Aye, and t'is our unity that gives us strength, is it not?
By God's divine grace, we are a glorious force.
Skilled at confronting the enemy,
luring him in, catching him unawares.
Victorious time and time again!
Aye, victorious.
And to the victors goes the spoils.
Such is the way of conquering nations, is it not?
Conquering nation?
I did not know we'd become a conquering nation.
I was under the belief that we're still yet an order. Hm?
And I say to you it is time we cease to worry
about the welfare of the poor and the weak!
Let their fate be in the hands of God.
How has your heart become so blackened?
I see it in your eye.
You've lost your way.
Nay, Brother. I have found it.
And I will attain it with the treasure in yond wagon.
Let us seize this opportunity together, Gregoire.
Truly we would have none of it if not for you.
Think of the comforts such a treasure would buy.
The pleasures that we might finally delight in.
What say you, brother?
I would rather be eaten by a pack of wolves
than allow your evil venom to course through my veins.
You are an honorable man.
Pity.
Melkon! Behind you!
[grunts and groans]
[groan]
(Melkon) My lord-- my lord--
Shhh.
[groaning]
[stomp]
[neighs wildly]
[Koko, gasping]
I'm sorry, milord.
I am but small and weak.
[weeps]
I failed you.
Would you forgive me?
You are braver than any man
I have ever met in battle.
Was I a good servant?
Servant? No.
I see you more as a leader of men.
[distant thunder]
Thank you, my lord. Thank you.
Brother, how will you sleep tonight?
Knowing that I'm no longer number two.
[sword slides] Oh!
[panting]
Turn. Turn and look at me
that I may see your face as I take your life.
No, I will not give you that satisfaction.
You have not earned it.
I am better than you.
Only in cowardice, my dear brother.
Only in cowardice.
[shout]
[groan] [thud]
Best of friends, dear Melkon.
We were--best of friends.
Dear brothers, farewell.
We shall ride again--
backstabbers.
[thump]
[neighs wildly]
(Renault) The people can fend for themselves, brother.
In the meantime, I shall enjoy enough fortune for ten lifetimes of excess!
[laughing]
And now Gregoire, it is time for you to die.
So be it.
But I will avenge the deaths of my brothers.
You have made your pact with the devil, Renault.
You will have your ten lifetimes of excess.
But then--
I will come for you.
All of you.
[shout]
[gasp]
[loud thunder]
[gasp]
[groan]
[moan]
[thunder]
[weeping] Whoever wrote this inscription
wasn't kidding.
Passion, loyalty, deceit, betrayal--
And revenge.
Right. And revenge.
[sniffing]
Do you think Gregoire is going to carry out his curse?
Yes. Most definitely.
They have like 10 lifetimes.
[sniffing]
Say they realize their mistakes,
that they made--
and they try to rebuild--
what is it called?
Their spiritual temples.
Do you think that he would spare them?
(Jake) Perhaps.
But I believe one must truly desire to change.
(Jake) And even then, ultimately, it'll be in God's hands.
[thunder]
And if they don't change their ways?
Then as prophesized--
Lord Gregoire will kill them all,
without mercy,
and take their wretched souls to hell.
It is spoken from his lips to God's ears...
it is the inevitable.
What are your thoughts?
I'd say go for the ten lifetimes of excess.
I mean, what the fuck, right?
I don't agree.
But I guess everybody has a right to their own opinion.
[coughing]
You're smart. And you're cute too.
You think I'm cute?
Yep. I noticed you first time we got in the car.
I think we should spend this time
to get to know each other better.
What are you doing? What are you doing?
I'm just getting to know you.
What happened to Celine?
Celine isn't here right now!
Stop! Stop it!
Stop!
[punch]
[thud]
Fuck! Yo! You said everyone was free game!
[screaming] I said not her!
Fine! Fuck it. Not her then, my fault.
Shit.
Fuck you.
[weeping]
I should have never left you alone with him. Ever.
Look at me. It won't happen again.
He'll never touch you again.
Hear me?
I'm sorry, Amy.
Okay?
[sniffing]
Yeah.
[shout]
[groan]
[panting]
[screaming]
[panting]
[screaming]
Jake!
Jake?
[indistinct eerie voices]
[gasping]
[shout]
[scream]
[sword piercing flesh]
[Amy, reading]
Seven hundred years have passed,
You will have your 10 lifetimes of excess.
And as prophesized,
the ordained time will soon be upon us.
Their kindred spirits will soon be aligned
for the reprisal of he who was betrayed so long ago
so that one day he may fulfill his destiny.
My mission is to make sure that everything
is carried out as planned.
[punching]
That's my task.
Your leaving now changes nothing.
To deliver the souls of the accursed
to hell for all eternity.
I believe that's why I'm here.
I will come for you, all of you.
And as spoken from his lips to God's ear,
he will return for his vengeance.
[sword sliding]
[Jake's voice, echoing] It is the inevitable.
Like the threads?
You do wear it well.
Thank you.
It's befitting of you and habitual,
once again mimicking the life of a man of God--
and now a priest.
A great cover, don't you think?
Free meals. A cut from the Sunday basket.
No tax and most of all,
beautiful nuns and the altar boys.
What could be better?
I tried the Rabbi thing, but--
too much to learn.
And that Kaballah, oy!
You just love giving religion a bad name, don't you?
I aim to please.
Did you get my calling card?
[screams]
I kill these two over, and over, and over--
for 700 years,
and each time was more enjoyable than the last.
Nobody steals my fortune. Nobody.
Yours? It was never yours to begin with, Renault.
Renault?
Anyway--you know the old saying,
(speaks foreign language)
Have you considered any of the turning the other cheek business?
You know, let bygones be bygones.
Not today.
Pity. Do you remember the man you made the mistake
of calling the second greatest swordsman
in all of the Mediterranean? Menas !
If she's Menas, then I must be--Melkon.
Once again. The advantage of surprise.
Really? Catch.
Hm. Delicious.
I see you've returned to picking apples.
Occupational hazard.
Any of that blood yours?
T'is now.
Who the hell is he?
The Shopkeeper from down the road.
The shopkeeper?
And how in God's name is he going to help you?
He wasn't always a shop keeper.
Hello Menas. It's been a long time.
Yes, it has been, Melkon.
Melkon? I thought I was--
Melkon? You must be shitting me.
[indistinct]
(Menas) As you took your dying breath,
I did not regret your death, my brother,
but only the fashion in which it occurred.
You chose it.
I intended on killing you honorably.
I robbed myself of knowing that I was the best.
And since that night I've waited in limbo
for 700 years for this very moment,
to prove that I am the superior swordsman.
I have no desire to fight you.
I'm not leaving you with a choice.
Ah. My liege.
Looks like we'll have ourselves a fair fight this time.
Yes, my lord.
If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times:
I am not your lord, I am your brother, Melkon.
[chuckles] Yes, my lord.
Whatever.
[groaning]
I will not live in your shadow any longer.
The only shadow you live in
is the one you cast for yourself.
I shall cut you ten times.
Once for each lifetime of excess.
Or perhaps 700, eh? One for each year of sin.
[laughing] Come and get it!
Oh, I plan to! [shout]
[grunting]
[shout]
You betrayed us.
You swore never to betray us and then you did!
So Renault, as promised--
I'm taking you to hell.
Ah yeah, that little thing.
Well, I'm certainly fine when you're having fun.
Are you sure it's been already 10 lifetimes?
Because I'm only counting 8 or 9 at the most.
Oh well, c'est la vie.
C'est la guerre.
Touche.
[groaning]
I just want to let you know--
each one of my lives was more decadent than the last!
I did the unimaginable to people!
I know.
[punch]
[shout]
I am better than you.
Prove it.
Not with swordsmanship, but with humility.
No!
You only defend, attack me!
I will not give you that satisfaction.
I have waited 700 years for this moment.
Now you pick up your sword and you fight me.
What are you doing? Fight me like a man.
Put it in your hand now!
Fighting you will not make me a man.
Pick it up. Put it in your hand and fight me!
Why won't you fight me?
Because--
Because you're a coward.
No.
Because I love you.
Remember as children, how we played together everyday?
And how our mother loved us?
And how she made us promise to her
that when the day came that she would leave us,
that we would watch over each other?
Just like brothers should.
Menas, I would have died for you then--
and I will now.
If my brother doesn't love me,
then I have no wish to live.
[shout]
Your time is up.
Put it down.
Put the sword down!
[panting]
Gregoire, time to die.
I always like to keep up with the times.
[footsteps]
Jake!
[shout]
[gunshot]
Ahhh.
Ah!
Back off!
We're going to leave.
If you do anything to stop me--
I am going to slit her throat.
You understand? Back off!
I'm sorry, Jake, I'm sorry.
I failed you.
It's not your fault. It's just destiny.
Mine and yours.
Back off.
[panting]
It's not your time, little one.
Just shield and fight.
Back off!
Yes, milord.
[punch]
Ah!
[punching]
Sword!
Not yours, mine.
This has no weight to it.
It's like a butter knife.
It's built for speed.
Look, I've waited 700 years for this moment.
I'm gonna kill him with my sword, not yours.
Point taken but--why do you have to be so mean about it?
How could you be so sensitive
and be such a great fighter?
Ah, that is what makes me a great fighter.
- And chicks dig it. - Ah.
[panting]
(Jake) Now where was I?
- My lord. - Thank you.
Oh, not you, too.
Well, at least you're not killing each other.
And now Renault, old friend.
T'is your time to die.
So be it, Gregoire. Ha.
And now your blood, shall be mine.
[chuckles]
See you around.
Ahh!
[shouting]
Payback's a bitch.
[shouting continues]
(Amy) Oh my God, I think he's in shock!
[heartbeat]
[many voices cheering]
[Amy, distorted] Jake!
Jake?
Excellent performance, my lord.
Excellent performance. Bravo.
A little over the top.
But given the circumstance and no rehearsal--
How else could you play it?
But tell me, my lord,
how can you be such a great leader
when you're so dramatic?
That is what makes me such a great leader.
And chicks dig it.
Touche.
Wait. You're not shot?
No, he missed me by a mile.
And hey, nice save by the way.
Aren't you guys forgetting about something?
The six hacked up mutilated bodies?
Six?
Only a couple are mine.
Four. Four were yours.
Four.
I'm impressed.
I say we pin it on the priest.
Nice. See, I told you. You're a leader of men.
Don't even think that I'm not really pissed
at you at you right now. I just can't have
my new boyfriend go to jail
on the first night we start dating.
- Boyfriend? - Yes.
- Dating? - Yes.
What are you, nuts? You're like Koko and stuff.
Come on! We're soul mates.
Ow! My nipple, ow! My nipple!
You're nuts. I like it.
What a strange day it's been, huh?
Kapow. Lend me a hand, shopkeep.
Yeah.
Well old friend, see you in the next lifetime.
(shopkeeper) Yeah, old friends, old soul mates.
Yes, we are.
♪
[Pilot singing "Oh ho ho, it's Magic"]
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