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(wind whistling)
MAN: What's out there, out in the great beyond?
And what's beyond that?
What's beyond beyond?
The answer is: I don't know.
And quite frankly, I don't want to know,
because what I do know is that they don't
hold a candle to the greatest town
in the greatest country on the greatest planet
in the whole universe.
Glenview, Ohio.
USA.
Earth.
Here in Glenview, we value diversity.
I myself am friends with an Indian man named Clyde.
And Mrs. Kim, a wonderful widow from Korea.
Hey, Mrs. Kim.
Spray me. Spray me, neighbor.
Whoo!
Sun shower.
Fun shower!
I don't have any black friends yet,
but I am on the market.
My name's Evan Trautwig.
Oh. Ed Bosani.
Every day, I ask
not what Glenview can do for me;
What can I do for Glenview?
Oh, geez, Jared, your glutes
are tighter than a snare drum.
That's why I founded the running club,
the Spanish table at the community center...
緿onde esta mi tanque de oxigeno?
...and created the position
of deputy secretary at the city council.
All right, next item on the agenda
stipulates curb height for wheelchair access
be no more than six inches in height.
Now, I know this is a hot topic,
so I will defer to the commissioner.
Here, dreams really do come true.
A simple man can start out as a junior manager at Costco,
and 12 years later, with hard work and gumption,
end up the senior manager at that very same Costco.
I should know, because that man's name
is me.
I don't mean to bust your chops here, kid,
but this is total bullshit.
Those rats are as flat as they ever have been.
I'm sorry. It really should be working.
Excuse me, sir, if I might.
The activation button is right there.
Holy shit.
This is incredible.
Yeah.
There's chipmunks all coming out of the TV, Costco!
Look, the whole gang's here.
Yeah. Yeah, it's a great set.
Full HD, 1080p, 240 hertz, TrueMotion.
Totally wireless...
Hey, hey, hey, buddy, please.
This is a miracle of technology.
This is incredible.
Where do I pay for this baby?
Justin will load you up. Go to front-end checkout.
- You're a beauty. - Okay.
Thank you, switch man.
All right.
Turning the switch on!
Ow.
Turning on a whole new world for me.
Hey, Justin, if we stop by some free food samples,
I'm not gonna be pissed, either.
EVAN: But you know what?
It's not all about work.
I've had a lot of fun
and formed friendships that will last a lifetime.
(watch beeping)
Hey, there he is.
So?
There are 50 stars
on the American flag,
the Constitution was written in 1787,
and...
I am now an American citizen.
(whooping laugh)
Really?
Yes.
Oh!
Antonio, that's great.
I knew it. I knew it.
You see, good things happen to good people,
and you are a good man.
Oh. And look, boss.
I got a new tattoo to celebrate.
Oh.
Yeah.
Wow.
That's really fresh, isn't it?
Yeah.
"Proud to be an American."
Good. Maybe keep it covered, though,
just 'cause it's not really Costco policy, okay?
Yes, of course, boss.
I'm proud of you.
This is great.
All right, I got to get out of here.
Okay.
Oh, hey, listen.
If a bag of Bugles and a six-pack of Coke
go missing, it's on me.
You earned it.
Thanks, boss.
Buenas noches.
# Woke up quick at about noon #
# Just thought that I had to be in Compton soon #
# I gotta get drunk before the day begins #
# Before my mother starts bitchin' #
# About my friends #
# A car pulls up, who can it be? #
# A fresh El Camino rolling Kilo G #
# He rolled down his window and he started to say #
# It's all about making that GTA #
# Yo, man #
Costco security, motherfucker!
# Yo, man, yo, man #
# Yo, man, get the fuck out #
# Cruisin' down the street in my 6-4 #
# Jockin' the bitches, slappin' the hoes #
# Went to the park to get the scoop #
# Knuckleheads out there cold shootin' some hoops #
# 'Cause the boys in the hood are always hard #
# You come talkin' that trash, we'll pull your card... #
Oh, yeah.
It's time to come out of the pool, Denise.
# 'Cause I ain't sayin' shit... #
Hey. What the hell, man?
(light switches clacking)
Shit.
(distant clank)
(grunts)
Hello?
Mr. Trautwig.
Is that you?
(panting, grunting)
(clattering)
Who's there?
(panting)
Okay.
(growling, clattering)
Oh.
What the fuck?
Listen!
They gave me a gun, okay?
And they didn't teach me to use it properly.
So... you're in a lot of danger
if you don't just back the fuck up, okay?
(heavy footstep)
(gasps) Oh, no!
No!
(whimpering)
Oh, no, no...!
(gasping)
(screams)
# #
WOMAN: It's just a baby shower, hon.
EVAN: I don't know why you're so excited about going there
when everything is so great here.
We used to hate New York together.
It was, like, one of our things.
It is great here, Evan.
I love it. It's just a little boring.
Actually, it's super boring.
I just... I want to get out
and see the world a little bit.
You know, get some culture,
eat some good food, go to a few museums.
We have museums here.
All right, I think we're still a couple days away,
but when I get back...
Yeah?
I'm going to walk through that door,
and we are going to S-C-R-E-W.
Ooh, okay, okay.
(laughing): Right on the kitchen floor.
Mmm, I love it when you spell it.
Definitely.
Or we could do it in the bedroom.
Thank you. Okay.
Or we could...
start in the kitchen, then move up to the bedroom.
Bye.
Have fun.
Be safe.
I love you.
What is going on?
(siren whooping)
(indistinct radio communication, helicopter hovering)
Whoa. Sorry, sir.
Can't let you in there.
No, no, no, it's okay.
I'm the, uh, manager. This is my store.
Well, I'm afraid your store is closed
- until further notice. - What are you talking about?
I can't divulge that, sir.
Police policy.
Oh, wait a second.
You're the manager, so do you happen to know
the name of the guy who was working last night?
Yes... Antonio.
Antonio Guzman.
Antonio...
Why? Did something happen to him?
Guz...man.
Yeah, he's dead.
What?
Are... are you sure?
Pretty sure.
Looks like your friend was ripped apart by a wild animal.
Jesus.
We're dealing with one sick son of a B.
Took the victim's skin.
Is... did...
did... are there... are there any leads
or... fingerprints or...?
Slow down, guy.
I mean, we only got here, like, two hours ago.
We strung up this yellow tape, which took a while.
So, uh, you knew the victim well?
Yeah. I...
He was a friend.
He was... just became an American citizen.
And that made you angry.
No, it made me happy.
I was happy for him. He was...
Then why'd you kill him?
I didn't kill him.
What... what are you talking about?
Why are you staring at me like that?
I'm just kidding.
Come on. Maybe you can help I.D. the body.
Back here.
I had you going, though... man!
("The Sound of Silence" playing in Spanish)
FEMALE REPORTER: The victim has been identified
as Antonio Guzman.
Here's what police told us about the attack.
OFFICER: We will do the best we can,
but I, for one, would like to put
some of the responsibility on the citizens of this town.
There's only like eight cops in this town,
and there's thousands of you guys, so,
not to point fingers or anything, but...
Stay with us for the latest details
on this developing story.
Back to you, Gail.
# #
(cheering)
(buzzer sounds)
ANNOUNCER: That's the half, and as the players
march into the locking room, we're going to be
joined on the field by, um...
Evan Trautwig.
(music fades)
Did anyone here cry themselves to sleep last night?
(laughter)
EVAN: It's okay. You can laugh.
Laughter is a common expression of grief.
And yes, I did cry.
Because a man was killed yesterday.
But tonight, my tears have turned to fists!
(makes fart noise)
Because whoever did this
is still out there.
BOY: Who is this guy?
And we need to stop him before he strikes again.
(makes fart noise) Oh, struck again.
(laughing)
EVAN: No more murders!
Shh.
EVAN: Because our society has rules.
And one of those rules is:
You can't kill someone and take their skin!
That's not cool.
So, with that in mind,
I am forming a neighborhood watch,
a task force of concerned citizens
to solve the murder of Antonio Guzman.
To keep an eye on any and all suspicious activities,
and generally...
get to the bottom of things.
Thank you.
(cheering and applause)
(rattling)
(crunching)
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Solid turnout.
Thanks, everybody, for coming.
You're that guy from Costco, right?
Yes, I am that guy.
Okay. Yeah.
Thanks.
All right, you want to, uh...
(doorbell rings)
Oh.
One more concerned citizen.
You mind if I look around the place a little bit?
Looks like you got a lot of knickknacks.
Oh, wow. Hi.
Neighborhood watch meeting is...?
Yes. Really?
Yeah.
Great. Wow.
Okay.
I'm Evan.
I'm Jamarcus.
Great to meet you.
Good to meet you.
Great. That's great.
I was hoping another person would come,
and you're the best type of person it could be.
I mean, actually, I couldn't have even hoped as much for...
Wow. This is...
Come on in.
I'm so pleased to have this effect this early.
Terrific. This is exciting.
Come on in.
Thank you. I'm excited, too.
Great.
Most people are disappointed
when they meet me, which...
British?
I am.
And you're American.
Yeah.
This looks like it's a, uh... Thailand or something.
I don't know what it is. I mean, it's b-beautiful.
Oh, my God!
There's another doll in here! Hi!
Look at this, there's a doll in here.
Hey, and look at this thing.
Oh, my God, there's another one!
Look at this. Did you know that?
Yeah, yeah, I did.
That's awesome.
It's a Russian nesting doll.
You want to have a seat and we start the meeting?
That's incredible. Look at that little doll.
Oh, my goodness, look at that.
Yeah, yeah, can you...
It keeps going.
It keeps going. There's more.
There's more dolls in here.
Yeah.
No, they call it a nesting doll.
You want to sit down, we can start the meeting?
No, but they keep going. There's more dolls.
You have one doll, you have another...
Uh, put this on top of this doll.
I just got to see... got to get to the bottom of it.
Yeah, there's a lot.
You're kidding me.
Okay, but why don't we start the meeting.
You're not gonna tell me that it goes again.
What's that?
Guys, there's another one.
Where can I pick one of these up?
Yeah, I'm not sure.
Want to sit down? We can, uh, get going?
Okay, I'm gonna jump in here and do this.
Make a party out of this thing, right?
Here's some handbooks.
Here you go.
Aha.
All right.
My name is Evan.
I want to thank you all for coming.
And I thought we'd start out by just getting to know each other.
Maybe we each stand up, say who we are, why we joined up,
what it's all about for us, okay?
You have any beers while we get acquainted?
Beers? No.
No beers.
All right, well, I'll start this off.
My name is Bob, with a "B." (chuckles)
Okay. Welcome, Bob.
And, um, I love the town.
I love my wife, I love my daughter,
and I love getting a chance to hang with the guys.
So I'm really into what you're doing here.
Once a week, away from the wife and kids,
telling some dirty jokes,
having some beers, if we're good.
I really look forward
to getting a chance at tearing this shit up.
Really fucking it up.
Great. Thank you, Bob.
Really great to meet you, bud.
You, too, pal.
Uh...
Uh, that was a...
that was a great speech.
I'm Franklin. (chuckles)
Welcome, Franklin.
Yeah.
Uh, few years ago, uh, dropped out of high school.
Wasn't feeling the vibe.
Wanted to become a member of the Glenview Police Department.
Mm-hmm.
I guess they didn't see
the magic that was me.
Apparently, I didn't pass the written exam
or the physical exam or the mental health exam.
Whatever that means.
So, here I am, with this vigilante squad,
and I figure that's the best way to work through
my emotional shit and bust some heads in the process.
Okay, just to be clear, we're not a vigilante squad.
Vigilante squad, militia... whatever you're going for.
Doesn't matter.
No, not-not a militia or a vigilante squad.
Every group needs a wild card,
and I think it's safe to say we found ours.
I dig it.
Well, thank you, Franklin.
We got a good one here.
Yep.
What are you about?
Hello. Uh, yeah.
My name's Jamarcus.
Uh, recently very happily divorced,
and just looking to get more involved in the local community.
Well, that was simple.
Welcome, Jamarcus.
Ah, also,
um, I have this one scenario in my mind
that I'm kind of hoping plays out like this.
Young, sexy, Asian housewife alone at night, frightened.
A noise out
by the trash cans.
Best call the neighborhood watch.
I show up, look heroic, and then... get this...
she sucks my balls.
(makes gunshot noise)
Hear me now!
I'm also interested in that happening to me.
Okay.
Well, Jamarcus, Bob, Franklin,
I guess it doesn't matter what brought us all here.
What matters is that we're all united
in one cause.
And with that, I'd like to welcome you all
to the first official meeting of...
the neighborhood watch.
Okay, now,
I've taken the liberty of dividing Glenview
into 12 sectors.
Though some might argue there are 13,
if you abide by the Yorktown Zoning Commission ruling.
I'm not buying it, but then again
I'm not from Honeywell County.
Thank God. Regardless...
BOB: I'm sorry to be
the squeaky wheel, but it feels like you have
a lot of dense material
Yeah.
That you're starting
to go through here.
And to be honest with you, you know,
my house is about five blocks away,
and I just fixed her up.
Gentlemen, I got drinks,
I got La-Z-Boys, I got flat-screens,
I got the whole nine.
I know you guys are gonna love it.
So I just want to throw it out there.
If I'm overstepping, just say the word and you're not
gonna hear another squeak from this little wheel.
Well, honestly...
That sounds a fuck-load better than this.
No offense.
I don't even know why I'm still sitting here.
I'm gonna go warm up the car.
You're gonna love this place; it's awesome.
Gentlemen...
welcome to paradise.
Oh.
Oh! Yes!
I'm a construction manager, and I built
this little slice of heaven with my own two hands.
It's so nice. I love it.
Ah, thanks, everyone.
Yeah, I'll set up over there.
You have a pool table.
Yeah. Just got it re-felted.
Go ahead and take her for a spin.
Here we go.
(chair vibrating)
Hey, you like that thing, huh?
It feels like this chair is inside me, Robert.
That is the best 2,300 bucks I ever spent.
I got it at a place called Relax-the-Back.com.
It's like Toys "R" Us for your ass and back.
Feels like a thousand little baby wizards are
massaging my ass cheeks with their little baby wands.
Powerful imagery, brother!
I'm digging where he's coming from!
Handbooks. Boom.
Rack them up. I'm in. What are you drinking?
What's your poison? You down with scotch?
I... no poison.
Scotch and yes.
No, no, no. No poison.
Scotch and yes?
No.
Scotch and yes!
You know, we got a lot of ground to cover,
and we're already an hour behind, so why don't
we just dig in, and then we can get to whatever afterwards.
Guitar.
Ah, come on, Evan.
We're just bonding a little bit.
Tell me about yourself. I know you got a wife.
Do you have any kids? How old?
Uh, zero years old.
No kids.
That's a shame.
I couldn't imagine my life without my little Chelsea.
I mean, being a parent is...
well, it's unbelievable.
That's great.
CHELSEA: Dad, can I go to a movie at 11:00?
Hell, no! It's a weeknight!
But Mandy and Judy are going.
BOB: Mandy?!
Thank you for proving my point!
Mandy's dead weight. She's a succubus.
I told you that.
Dad, I'm trying to talk to you like an adult,
and you just...
Don't want to listen!
That's right! So skedaddle!
Get up there and do your homework!
Are you serious?! I fucking hate it here!
Well, I fucking love it here!
That's my little princess.
That's my little angel, Chelsea, right there.
I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to introduce you guys.
How about some drinks?
Fresh horses for my men!
Tonight we ride! Get in here, Frankfurter!
Yes, thank you.
Yeah!
I don't...
Come on, Evaroo.
No, thanks.
You'll be bummed if you don't.
No, I don't...
Can I interest anyone in some finger foods?
I got to order some pies up in this thing, right?
You guys want some pies?
Okay, you know what?
You guys got your own thing going on there.
I am going to
put up some flyers.
Come on, have one drink.
No.
Bye.
No?
All right, I'll see you guys.
Okay.
See you.
Hey, see you tomorrow night.
Okay.
Same Bob time, same Bob place.
Hey, fella!
What are you doing?
Ah.
There you are.
1162 Jerome Park Drive.
Excuse me?
I'm 1157 Jerome Park Drive.
Name's Paul. Just moved in.
Oh! You're... oh.
Oh, sorry.
I'm, uh, I'm Evan.
Hi.
Evan.
Evan Trautwig, subscriber to Men's Fitness.
Oh, yeah, that's... that is... yeah, that's mine.
Thank you.
Not that you need it.
Excuse me?
You got the body of a decathlete, Evan.
And you got great skin.
You live here alone in this big old house?
No. No.
I live with my wife.
My female wife Abby.
I'm gonna go inside now.
Mm. All right, Evan Trautwig.
Nice to meet you.
Stay fit.
Evan Trautwig!
Yeah.
ABBY: It was really cute.
We all got our own puff paints
and made these little customized onesies.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
So you started another club.
No.
It's not a club,
it's a task force of concerned citizens.
I went to the Spartans game and made a speech,
and the community really responded.
Well, guess who peed on the ovulation stick on the plane?
You?
Yep.
It's kind of faint, but I think there's two pink lines.
Yeah, I can't tell.
Well, I think we should do it anyway.
I would love to do it.
Just to be safe.
Mm-mm-mm.
But I got to go meet
the neighborhood watch guys for a patrol.
Evan! You promised.
I know, but I also promised Antonio's family
that I would catch his killer.
I made a vow.
Okay, okay, okay...
It's a great group of guys.
Really. I'm very excited.
Here we go.
Bad-ass jackets for the watch.
I went to the mall this morning,
and I had them made up.
Get them while they're hot.
- Blam. - Let's do it.
Whoa.
What?
Thank you.
Got your names on them.
Got our names on them.
Yep.
All right, Bob.
This is great.
These are good.
Okay.
Hey, what-what happened to my logo?
Oh, this is, this is just like your initial logo,
only now it's awesome.
This has nothing to do with my original logo.
My logo was an eye that was watching over the neighborhood.
I don't know what this is.
What, a tiger with wings?
Exactly!
This is a tiger,
who's fierce and sleek.
But it's got wings, so it flies above the neighborhood,
and if it sees a domestic problem, it kills it!
The other thing is, your original one's here.
So I think...
Got the eye right there on the side.
It's always on the side.
Small on the side.
That's weird, 'cause it's like an eye on the shoulder,
but there's a tiger on your back.
Weird how?
What are we, the flaming tigers?
'Cause that's what it looks like.
We're the flaming, flying tigers.
It makes no sense.
Are you out of your mind?!
This is inspiring for the watch!
Whenever you have a tiger, flames and wings,
all in the same logo,
it's like the Chinese symbol for "Shut the fuck up and dance!"
This is inspiring for the watch!
I don't know. What are we, in a doo-wop group?
We're gonna, like, stand over a garbage can
with fire and harmonize?
I would see this doo-wop group.
Hey, for your information,
doo-wop groups were known to close ass.
Singing was their hobby, closing ass was their job.
The baritone from Boyz II Men had to
stop making music 'cause he got so much pussy.
- Thank you. - They're like ass collectors.
This is not about fashion, this is about brotherhood,
this is about solidarity.
You should get that more than anybody.
He's actually right.
Pigs have uniforms,
I think we should have uniforms, too.
We got to match those fuckers on every level.
Understand? Every level.
Can I just say, Bob,
that these are the shit.
Just the shit.
These are just shit.
Okay, you know what, fine.
I'll wear it.
But you have to promise me that tonight
we're actually gonna do something, okay?
Absolutely.
For sure.
Gentlemen, we're part of more than a club,
we're part of a way of life.
We're making a commitment to ourselves
and to the watch today.
Get your hands in here, Evan.
Get that pretty hand in there.
On three, let me hear you sing it out
with pride in your hearts.
Neighborhood watch.
One, two, three.
ALL: Neighborhood watch!
FRANKLIN: Yeah, this is boring.
BOB: Yeah, Franklin's right.
We're not gonna sit here all night, are we?
Yeah, guys, we are.
Really?
If we need to.
It's a stakeout.
BOB: I don't mean to
sound childish, but I do have to pee.
You should've peed earlier. I'm sorry.
As an adult, you're just gonna have to hold it.
How you doing, Jamarcus?
Ready.
I still have to pee.
You know, the liquid comes in, the liquid's
got to come out; I got to piss.
Here. Why don't you just pee in this.
Oh, great.
That's a good idea.
No, no, don't pee in that.
I got to mount up.
What are you doing?
No, don't...
I'm mounting up to piss.
You're not gonna pee in a can.
Why not?
No, Bob.
I'm not gonna miss anything.
I'm a good shot, I'm gonna get it perfect.
Open the door.
I've taken lots of road trips.
I've always done this shit.
No, piss out the door.
And blow our-our stakeout position? No shot.
You're not gonna pee in a can.
I'd never hear the end of it
from you if I blew our stakeout position; there's no shot.
So I got to mount up. I'm mounting up.
Okay, and we're going.
Oh, my God, we're going.
You're in.
Oh, my God, we're going.
(urine sloshing)
This is almost like... I've had to pee so bad for so long,
it's borderline sexual, Evaroo.
I'm not missing, either.
It's so controlled.
I mean, it's incredibly controlled, Evan.
It's like he's threading a needle.
I know I'm okay
'cause I can feel the steel right around the tip.
I'm squishing it against it.
I got the mushroom pushed right against the cold steel.
Bob, hit me with a beat. Hit me with a stop and go.
Stop it. Make it happen.
(urine stopping and starting)
Stop it. Make it happen.
- Stop it. - Uh-huh.
Make it happen.
(sighs)
Killing it.
And we're done.
Good.
Well done. Well done.
Oh, thank you. That was a good one.
Would you be a pal and hold this for me?
Oh, come on! Come on!
Just so I can get repositioned.
That's enough!
Come on!
I'm busting your chain! I'm busting your chain!
Hey, did I miss anything while I was pissing?
Did we catch the killer?
(laughs)
Lighten up, big guy!
I'm glad you think this is so funny, Bob.
I'm glad you think this is a laugh riot, okay?
Let's all have a laugh while Antonio Guzman's killer
continues to roam free.
You know what?
He's right.
That sicko's probably out there right now,
staring at us from a distance,
beating the living shit out of his dick,
reliving his sick fantasy.
(can pops)
What are you doing?
Popping a top.
No, no, you can't do that.
Why not?
It's against the law.
It's illegal. You can't have open alcohol in the car.
The car's not moving.
There's not even a key in the ignition.
Doesn't matter, it's still...
Franklin, you failed the police test.
Is this illegal?
It's definitely illegal.
But I also failed the boring test, you know what I'm saying?
I dig it.
Hook me up.
My guy.
# I'm gonna drink this little, little cervezas. #
All right, Jamarky-Mark.
Cannonball coming at you!
Coming in hot.
Evaroo? Want to hold off?
I don't blame you; You're driving.
Cheers.
Hey, to great times.
And doing it right.
JAMARCUS: To criminality.
FRANKLIN: # Evan, taste these cervezas. #
Maybe a little...
Keep it low, guys.
Oh, shit.
Seriously, put it low, put it low.
Put it between your knees. Even lower.
I've been here many times, trust me.
Act like there's nothing going on, you're fine.
FRANKLIN (whispering): Fucking guys.
I hate these motherfuckers.
Hello, Officers.
Evening, gentlemen.
Doing a little cruising?
EVAN: No, Officers.
We're actually on, uh... neighborhood watch business.
Hide your bong, Chucho.
Neighborhood watch is here.
Sergeant, you remember me?
SERGEANT: No.
What, have I arrested you before?
Not so good with faces.
(mutters): Faces.
You're a cop.
What do you mean you're not...
You're not good with faces? What?!
I don't see the connection.
What I have been seeing are these babies.
How's it been going?
Good, actually.
Very good.
Great.
Yeah, we thought we'd start here
at the Costco and stake it out for a while.
'Cause, as you know, most killers
return to the scene of the crime, so...
Oh, of course they do.
The killer always returns to the scene of the crime.
So, uh,
fancy seeing you here, Trautwig.
At the scene of the crime.
I don't know what that means.
It means it's super-suspicious that you're here right now.
And it makes me feel like you have some secrets.
Well, I don't.
(clicks pen)
Any-who, when you fellas finish playing Hardy Boys,
don't forget to pay this ticket
for those open alcohol containers.
SERGEANT: And...
this one is for putting up 200 flyers without a permit.
What?!
I'm sorry, guys.
You fellas have a safe night.
Hit it, Chucho.
(siren whoops)
Goddamn it!
I know he remembers me!
He's just messing with my head!
You can't drink in your car anymore?
What the hell is this country coming to?
(cell phone ringtone playing)
Evan Trautwig.
Yes, of course.
Noise complaint at the football field.
This is it, guys.
It's our first call.
Hell, yeah. Let's roll!
Let's do it.
(engine starts)
(tires screeching)
You see anything?
Uh-uh.
Hello?
What the hell?
Turn off the lights!
(grunting)
What?!
I'm hit!
What the fuck is going on?!
Robert, we're getting ambushed here!
They're kids!
Eggs!
Yeah, we're getting egged! It's raining eggs!
We came to help!
Yolk's on you, ass wipes!
Yolk's on me?! A fucking pun?!
I'm gonna kill this kid.
I'm gonna kill you!
Goddamn it!
They're getting away, Bob!
No, they're not.
Because one of us is the founder
of the Glenview Running Club!
(yells)
(grunting)
Yeah, you fucked him up, man!
BOB: Who's laughing now, kid?
I bet you didn't egg-pect to get your ass kicked.
Huh? You throw eggs at people, you think that's funny?
Look how much pain he's in.
Guess what you learned tonight.
You don't mess with the neighborhood watch, baby!
Undefeated!
Come on.
Look at Evaroo
with the high hands!
(screams)
Whoa!
We got him! We got him!
(all shouting)
# La-da-da-da-da #
# It's the motherfucking D-O-double-G #
# Snoop Dogg! #
# La-da-da-da-da #
# You know I'm mobbin' with the D-R-E #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# You know who's back up in this motherfucker #
# What, what, what, what. #
Ha-ha!
That's right.
Neighborhood Watch.
Suck a fat dick, Chucho.
What's going on here, guys?
Egging, Sergeant.
Guy's an egger.
Eggs, huh?
Yeah, eggs: The coward's weapon.
It's good you brought him in.
Then he tried to run away on his little skitter-board.
Did you really?
Hmm?
Get back to the playground and the monkey bars.
You think it's nice to throw eggs at people?
Do you?
You gonna answer the question?
It's rude.
It hurts people's feelings and it hurts their faces.
And now you deal with the consequences.
Homegirl's trying to make an omelet.
Yeah, look at me.
Look at his face.
Look at my face.
Look at his face and listen to me.
Look at him and listen to me.
Look at him and understand me.
Look at both of us, but understand no one.
Listen to my words and hear his face.
EVAN: Do you think it is funny
to throw an egg in somebody's face?
FRANKLIN: You think it's funny? You think it's a yolk?
I'll shove a full egg inside your asshole
and watch it hatch.
Franklin. Inappropriate.
Sorry.
No, I understand, it's too far.
Sorry.
She's all yours.
Great work.
Here's your bag.
Well, that was super weird.
Am I under arrest?
Of course not. Those guys are a joke.
Okay, can one of you guys give me a ride home or something?
Fuck no.
I'm not a chauffer and neither is
Chucho over here, right, buddy?
Get out of here.
Real nice.
(electricity crackling)
(chittering)
Hello?
(sparks popping)
Okay, yeah.
Really hilarious!
Hey, quit screwing around!
I'm gonna pelt somebody!
(metal thuds, creaks)
Screw you!
I'm out of here!
(eerie screech)
Come on, leave me alone!
(eerie growling)
Leave me alone!
(screeching)
(car alarm blaring)
(rock music playing)
FRANKLIN: We are fucking gods!
BOB: What do you say, Evan?
# You ain't seen nothing yet #
Come back again.
# B-B-B-Baby, you just ain't seen nothing yet #
Tell me about it, tell me about it.
(all mumbling words)
What-what-what?
# B-B-B-Baby, you just ain't seen nothing yet #
Damn right! You been around!
(singing guitar solo)
All the way from London, England,
put your hands together.
Make him feel welcome, everybody.
BOB: Jamarky-Mark!
(mumbling): # Any love is good lovin' #
Here we go.
# So I took what I could get #
# Yes, I took what I could get... #
(mumbling words loudly)
(loud thump)
(music stops, tires screeching)
Oh!
Oh, shit!
BOB: Is everyone all right? You guys okay?
We hit someone. We just... we have hit someone.
- What? - Was it a kid?
Oh, no.
Evan, did you hit a kid?
No. What?
Why did you take your eyes off the road to sing?
There's beer and piss all over the car.
Hey, everyone just stay calm for a second.
Let's focus. Just relax.
We can't calm down.
There's open alcohol, we're inebriated,
I have weed in my pocket.
Evan could get 15 years to life for this.
What?!
Don't worry about that.
Oh, God!
This can't happen to me. No, no, no, you don't get it.
So here's what we do, we focus on the living.
Just drive us out of here.
Just drive away!
I'm not gonna drive away.
I'm gonna see what it is.
Evan. Shit.
What is it?
Looks like you just
hit some freakishly big fly or something.
What the fuck is this thing?
Looks like an octopus tentacle or something.
BOB: All right, well, I think
it's very obvious what,
what happened here, guys.
It doesn't take, you know,
a brain surgeon to figure this one out.
Evan accidentally... obviously, right...
hit a crate that fell off the back of a truck
that just so happened to be carrying
some freshly caught octopus
to a nearby sushi establishment.
It's octopus, and a fresh one.
Right, you got nothing but the thing and the octopus and this,
and I think we pack it in and we know what happened.
Okay, worst-case scenario:
Evan murdered a Japanese man who was eating octopus
while crossing the street.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
I didn't... come on,
I did not murder anybody.
Doesn't matter.
You know why?
'Cause no one's going to say shit about this to anybody
'cause we don't dime
on our fellow neighborhood watchers, okay?
Wait a second, I've seen this stuff before.
Back at Costco, this was the stuff by Antonio's body.
Had he just won a Nickelodeon's Kids' Choice Award?
Franklin, he was dead.
So he wasn't eligible.
That's pretty amazing, then,
that he won 'cause usually you have to do some sort
of kids type thing to win that award.
Feels like cum.
Ew.
Well, I dare anyone
to touch it and tell me it doesn't feel like cum.
May I?
Yeah, that's cum.
Well, it's green, it's not cum, but I'm saying
it's a cum... it feels like cum.
The texture, the flavor,
the color, the consistency...
It's very cum-like.
Hey, guys, check this out, I found something.
What is it?
I don't know.
Looks like a big silver basketball or something.
What is it?
BOB: It looks like a toy.
Whoa.
What the fuck is that?
MAN: What's going on
up here?
We got company.
What in the hell are you people doing
in my yard?!
Hi, sorry, we're the Neighborhood Watch.
We were just out on a nightly patrol.
How you doing? I'm Evan Trautwig.
I got your neighborhood watch right here, sweet lips.
We-We're, we're on your side, sir.
We're just wondering if you heard anything strange
or just anything out of the ordinary tonight.
You mean, like four nitwits standing around
on my lawn in the middle of the night?
That's kind of strange, don't you think?
Okay.
Hey, you know what, pal?
If being overly aggressive and a little bit snippy
was a crime, I'd be making a citizen's arrest right now.
Why don't you just shut your cocksucker there, dickweed?
You know, we're taking time out of our busy schedules
to help the neighborhood, so I think you could just...
you know, you don't have to...
("Sailing" ringtone playing)
Excuse me, got a phone call here.
Hey, Bill.
Bill.
I got four members
of the Baby-sitters Club up here...
It's the Neighborhood Watch.
...trying to solve some kind
of mystery before beddy-bye time.
I'll call you back later.
All right, okay, we...
It's okay, sir, we get it, we're...
Thank you for... We'll just...
You guys, I'm gonna count to ten.
Okay, you know what? Let's start again.
I'm gonna count to ten!
He wants to count.
Okay.
One...
Steal that cool ball.
...two, three...
Nice to meet you.
Fuck you, Curly!
...four.
Get in your goddamn soccer mom van and move on out.
(engine starts)
Neighborhood Watch.
What a fucking joke.
Look at this.
Every time I stick a finger in, another light goes on.
That's weird.
Hey, why don't we try to stick
all our fingers in at the same time,
see what happens?
All right, guys,
let's all finger these holes together.
This is a bad idea.
Oh, don't be such a pussy, Jamarcus, come on.
Come over here and finger- bang this ball with us.
I don't like this.
Come on, Jamarcus.
Okay,
fine, but this is a bad idea.
Get your finger in there.
Okay.
(cow moos)
Whoa!
Jesus!
Shit! Holy shit!
Are you kidding me?
Did you see that shit?
That cow's fucking head
exploded all over the place.
That's terrible for the cow,
but this thing's fucking awesome.
This is a major find.
This thing is the shit.
Okay, nobody touches this ball
till we figure out what it is.
We definitely should not fuck around with this thing.
The last thing we want to do is cause a disturbance.
("Straight Outta Compton" by N.W.A playing)
# Straight outta Compton... #
(all exclaiming)
Good-bye, tractor!
Whoo!
So sick.
# Kick knowledge and bodies are hauled off #
# You, too, boy, if you get with me... #
Yeah, the ball!
# Off your back, that's how I'm goin' out... #
(all exclaiming)
Whoo!
# Cook 'em in a pot like gumbo... #
Whoo!
Hey!
Hay, yeah! Hay, now.
(overlapping chatter)
BOB: Hey, wait, that's hilarious.
That was so fun.
I mean, we blew
that shit up.
That cow's fucking head just poofed, just puffed.
Oh, man.
Guys, this is not from this world.
I, I, I think it could be the government, you know.
There are lots of these kind of prototypes that you find.
It's always the government.
I don't disagree that there could be
a government or an alien
or where governments and aliens connect.
Get the fuck out of here, man, this is not alien shit.
EVAN: I think you're paranoid.
I'm not paranoid.
Everything is on the table; right now
we don't take anything off.
This was probably on the way
to the fucking Mac Store, and it fell off the truck.
What the fuck is this? This is like
a Magical 8 Ball bowling ball that blows shit up.
I'm trying to find a killer here.
Right, a killer alien.
It's a...
Somebody killed Antonio.
Okay, I don't know if they're an alien,
I don't know if it was an octopus.
I don't know what it was or who it was,
but this has something to do with it, right?
You. Well, you.
Yes, that's a yes.
Let's go to the things we can agree on.
We don't know what it is.
That's correct as well.
It's the same goo that was on Antonio's body.
This is
information you're sharing, and I'll say yes to it.
The goo was on the car, the orb was near the car.
Let's call her Lucy.
The second after we find Lucy...
BOB: Lucy.
...who kicks us off his property?
Crazy old guy with a shotgun.
Why'd he want us off his property?
- Why did he not want us near the ball or the goo? - Right?
This is the guy, we got to kick his tires.
There's something we got to figure out.
I think we dress Franklin up as a girl
named Fran-Francesca, he goes to the door as a salesman
because they'll suspect him any other way. He's pretty enough.
I'm, I'm listening.
He's an attractive guy
and he has the features where he can fool 'em.
- Feminine features. - So we put Franklin in a costume,
send him for the old man.
He's lonely, he's lonely.
He'll let Franklin in the house.
Boom, he's in.
We're inside the house.
Now it's intel, he's under the radar.
It's an attractive lady showing up.
His liver-spotted hands are going to want to caress her.
Can I tell you something, Bob?
BOB: Mm-hmm.
That could work.
Yes!
FRANKLIN: Here's the thing.
Finally!
I'm not going to go past second with this old guy,
but if I have to, I will.
I think it's important we get,
we get really, really confirmed
on what you're prepared to do so it's not a new thing.
Let's talk about it.
I will use both hands.
I won't use a mouth.
He may use his hands and may not use his mouth.
Well, I think you got
to make it all go down before you get found out.
FRANKLIN: Here's the issue.
What's the best- case on this one?
Okay, here's the best-case scenario:
He's a lonely old man, he wants to waltz,
he wants to listen to some
of the old songs from his childhood.
Worst-case scenario: you're getting fucked in the ass.
Either way we're gonna find out who this old man is.
Either way we're gonna get involved in this guy's life.
Here's the pressing question: What do we do with this?
We don't give it to the cops.
JAMARCUS: Agreed.
This is ours; No one hears about it.
EVAN: I don't know, but we keep it
a Neighborhood Watch secret.
Cheers.
Well, we're in the game.
To the watch.
Boom.
(engine stops)
(sighs)
Ew.
(dog barks in distance)
(tapping keys)
"OMG, Mandy's party is so awesome."
Good for Mandy.
Frickin' kidding me, right?
(partiers whooping on video)
Chelsea!
Dad, what the F?
Don't F me.
Who's this boy toy named Jason?
Boy toy?
What's his toy story?
Oh, wait, were you creeping on my Facebook again?
Are you kidding me?
You're gonna let some guy car-wash
the inside of your mouth with his tongue
and then you're gonna post it on the Internet?
Stop Internet stalking me, okay?
Just get out of my room.
You don't see me and your mom posting our sessions
on the Internet, do you?
Ew, that's
disgusting, Dad.
Well, how do you think that makes
me feel? It is disgusting.
You keep your tongue in your mouth.
And what's going on with this collage?
This is moving in the direction of, like,
strippers on spring break.
Oh, my God.
That's a collage of my friends, Dad.
This is uncomfortable.
The whole thing's uncomfortable.
I'm not comfortable with what's going on, Chelsea.
If you're uncomfortable, then get out.
Sex is for love.
Here's what's happening now... the video's off.
Okay, Dad, I'm gonna get the video off.
Fine, right, okay.
Or we got a problem.
Please get out.
Houston, we have a problem.
Okay, Dad, that's good.
Really productive conversation.
Seriously, really.
We should do more of it.
Right on the edge.
You're right on the edge.
# #
(phone chirps)
# You and tequila make me crazy... #
Hey.
Hey, buddy.
BOB: Come on, I saved a seat for you.
Said you were desperate.
Yeah, here, take a load off.
Look, I know we're trying to catch the Costco Killer, but,
well, it's good to have an honest heart-to-heart
with just a couple of guys, right?
There's my boy.
(clanking)
Bring it down here.
Get in here.
It's all about honesty, right?
Mm-hmm.
I've been being honest with my daughter.
I don't think she wants to hear it.
(chuckles)
My wife's been traveling so much for work that a,
you know, a lot of the parenting stuff has fallen on me lately.
How about you?
When are you going to take the plunge and knock a few out?
Uh, it's not that simple.
Well, it's about as simple as putting your dick in a vagina.
You know what I mean? Make it happen.
Well, I don't really have a choice, so...
It turns out that my gun doesn't really
shoot too well.
Gun?
Yeah.
You mean your prick?
Why are you saying "gun"?
This is two guys sitting on a bench.
You can say it, say "prick," say "cock."
Just say "prick." Anyway, did you take
a couple of those blue bombers?
No.
Got to get that wang nice and stiff
and get you all monstered up.
N-No, no, no.
Oh, it will,
and then you'll be fucking like a champ in no time.
No.
No, I can, I, that's...
I know a guy that'll give you some
and I got some from Mexico...
That's not the problem.
I'll get you some
of those Mexican bombs.
I can do everything.
It's just that, uh...
I'm... about a year and a half ago...
Okay.
Abby and I started trying
to have kids...
Mm-hmm.
...and nothing was happening, so,
on my own, I went to see this doctor, to get my sperm checked.
You know, I've always wondered about that.
I've just had a curiosity about it if you don't mind.
When you go to one of those doctors,
do you jerk yourself off
or does the doctor, like, jerk you off
or, like, an assistant?
Is it like a massage parlor or do they have, like, a machine,
like, a medical machine that does the milking for you?
Like, milks you like an animal?
I'm asking how you get the cum out of you.
I...
They do it.
No, I jerked me off.
Okay.
Doesn't matter.
The point is, I went, I got tested,
and... no go.
I'm shooting blanks.
I, I could shoot a bucketful,
it would make no difference.
Doctor's actual words... "a bucketful."
It's because of me, we can't have kids.
Just me.
I didn't realize that that's such a big deal.
I mean, it's 2012.
Can't you just get, like, a ball transplant?
Yeah, I don't think the science is there yet.
What'd the old lady say when you told her?
Evaroony, don't tell me
that you haven't talked to her about it.
Well, what am I going to say?
Hey, honey, guess what?
The one thing you want most in the world,
I can't give you.
Evan, you listen to me.
You talk to Abby.
She married you,
not your dead jizz.
Thanks.
("Shave and a Haircut" ringtone playing)
Evan Trautwig.
(over phone): Hey, this is Manfred Salisbury.
Are you on my roof?
What?
Well, there's somebody on my roof
jumping around like a maniac.
Is that one of you idiots?
It most certainly is not.
Uh, please just hang tight, Mr. Salisbury,
we'll be right there.
Yeah, I'll bet you will.
Got to get to Manfred's.
Call the Watch; come on.
Nobody's here.
Seriously?
You see anybody on the roof?
No.
Okay, we should fan out. Franklin,
you and Bob get in the car, check
the block, see if you get any action.
Jamarcus and I will go around back.
Okay.
Got it.
很好 Good.
嘿，兄弟们，保持专注 Hey, guys, let's stay focused.
我们现在是在作战，明白？ We're in the field, right?
好的 Okay.
N.W.
- 嘘...... - # Sailing... #
听到没？
# Takes me away to where I've always heard #
# Takes me away to where I've al... #
这个是Manfred的 This is Manfred's.
这可不太妙 This is not good.
那是什么？ What is that?
我不知道... I don't know.
我的天啊.. Oh, my God.
伊万... Evan...
我们现在应该逃命.. we should run for our lives.
咱们应该过去看看 We should go up to it.
为什么？ Why would we go up to it?
咱们 应该 去 We should go.
看起来真可怕... It looks scared.
可能他现在受伤了 Maybe he's injured.
说不定那就是撞上汽车的那个 Maybe that's what we hit in the car.
对..还说不定他现在很不爽... Yeah, and maybe he's really pissed off about it
并且想要吃掉我们 and is going to eat us.
只有一种方法可以知道... Only one way to find out.
拜托... Come on.
伊万 Evan.
伊万，你他妈的在干什么？ Evan, what the fuck are you doing?
它显然不会懂我们的语言 It obviously doesn't understand our language.
我要用“友好”的语调来显示我们没有敌意 I'm making friendly tones to show it that we mean no harm.
你...好...? Hello...
哇哦. Wow
天... Oh, no.
我能看见你 I see you.
我...看见 你 I... see you.
你饿了？ Hungry?
要食物？ Food?
食物...？ Food...?
口香糖？ Gum?
这个不错 It's okay.
你可以嚼着吃 You just chew it.
你想要吗？ You want some?
口香糖...香糖.. # Gum, gum #
口香糖... # Gum #
给你... # For you. #
他喜欢口香糖 He likes it.
Jamarcus，他喜欢口香糖！ Jamarcus, he likes it.
谁都喜欢口香糖！ Everyone likes gum.
我们快走吧！ Let's go.
他正在挖什么东西 He's digging something.
他想给我们看什么... He's got something,he wants to show us.
你是要互换礼物吗？ Want to share your gift, huh?
哦！他妈的！ Oh, mother of fuck!
Jamarcus，你呆在那干什么？ Jamarcus, what are you doing?
跑 Run, man.
快跑！ Run!
操！ Fucker!
欧... Oh shit!
天啊 Jesus.
你还好吗？ You okay?
真令人紧张.. Uh, that was really stressful.
我觉得我杀了它了 I think I killed it.
发生了什么？ What's going on here?
先生们 Gentlemen,
我们成立邻里监督组织的时候 we formed the Neighborhood Watch
有一项特殊的任务： with a very specific task:
找到杀死我朋友Antonio Guzman的凶手 To find the murderer of my friend Antonio Guzman.
今晚，我要告诉你们... Well, tonight, I say to you...
我去！ Holy shit!
上帝啊！ Jesus Christ!
这他妈的是啥？ What the fuck is that?!
这是个外星人 It's an alien.
它先杀了Manfred，然后它想杀死Jamarcus It killed Manfred, then it tried to kill Jamarcus,
我及时出现 and I came up
抓起一个花园地精玩偶狠狠地砸了它 and I nailed it with a garden gnome
并把它脖子打断了，现在它死了 and it cracked its neck and it's dead.
这他妈的也太疯狂了！ This is fucking insane.
我知道，我知道 I know, I know.
我们努力找凶手，但是猜猜怎么着？ We tried to find a killer, but guess what...
我们找到了一个外星人！ we found a frickin' alien.
哦，这手感..这感觉... Ooh, it touches it and it feels it... ugh!
这种有智慧， This intelligent,
有感情的生物 sentient being
跨越无数光年 traveled untold light-years
来到这里，拜访我们的星球 to come and visit our planet.
而你杀了他？！ And you killed him.
漂亮！ Nice!
伊万，太棒了！ Evan, yeah!
哈！他干掉了它！ Hah! He killed it.
我去.. Holy shit.
别管什么警察局了 Man, screw the police department.
我会凭这个而进入CIA的！ I'm gonna get into the CIA for this.
我觉得我们应该稳下来，并且对此保密.. I think we should slow down, we should keep this quiet.
不然的话很快就会人人皆知 Or a hundred miles an hour and really loud,
你们正看着一个外星人 because you're looking at an alien.
我现在在考虑制作体恤衫 I'm thinking about T-shirts,
经营规划，电影业.... merchandising, movie deals...
总之这东西让我快要疯了.... my mind's going crazy with this thing here.
好吧，谁想 All right, who wants
和这个外星人照张相？ a snapper with the alien?
我想什么呢？好吧，来吧 What am I thinking? Right, let's go, bitches.
我不想让你们紧张 I don't want to put pressure on you,
但这是一张历史性的照片 but it's the first historical picture
第一张人类和外星人的合影，无论这对你意味着什么 of anyone with an alien, so whatever that means to you.
来了，准备，要拍了 Here we go, ready, and we're bringing it.
来，给我也拍张 Here, let me share in the sunshine... somebody get in here.
她走着，她说着，她来了？ # Does she walk, does she talk, does she come complete? #
# The memory of my angel could never cause me pain #
# My blood runs cold, my memory has just been sold #
# My angel is the centerfold, angel is the centerfold #
娜...娜..娜.娜娜? # Na, na, na-na, na, na, na-na, na, na, na, na-na, na, na #
离近点 Get close to it.
娜...娜..娜.娜娜? # Na, na-na, na, na, na, na-na, na, na-na... #
耶！把你的JJ放它肩膀上 Yeah, put your dick on its shoulder.
嘣！ Boom
娜...娜..娜.娜娜 ? # Na, na, na-na, na, na, na-na, na, na-na, na-na... #
# Make it last forever #
# Ever... #
# Don't let our love end... #
# Make it last forever #
# No, no, no, no, no #
# And ever. #
伊万，救命！ Evan, help!
啊..啊... Uh, uh...
上帝啊 Oh, my God.
Bob，台球伤不了它！ Bob, the pool balls aren't hurting him!
Franklin，你得打中他！ Franklin, you've got to hit him.
干！ Fuck.
这可不是什么好靶子 This is bad aim.
别杀我！！ Please don't kill me!
嘿，嘿！外星人！ Hey, hey, al-alien.
你他妈的在干什么，Jamarcus？ What the fuck are you doing, Jamarcus?
它又不是只黄蜂！ He's not a bumblebee!
伊万，救命！它要杀了我！ Evan, help! He's gonna kill me
我不知道该怎么办了！ and I don't know what to do.
哦，我去！ Oh, shit!
哦，我的天啊！我的上帝啊！ Oh, shit! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
他要吃我的脸！ He's gonna eat my face!
他的黏液流进我嘴里了！ He's getting goo in my mouth!
把它拉开 Pull him up.
我的天啊 Oh, my God!
Franklin,Jamarcus Franklin, Jamarcus.
我都尝出这该死的黏液的味道了！ I can taste the fucking goo!
把它压倒 Bring him down.
这就对了，给我乖乖睡一觉 That's right.Give up, go to sleep.
嘘...放轻松..睡上一觉 Shh, shh, relax, you go to sleep.
我们已经在你们之中了.. We are already among you.
这他妈的怎么回事？ What the fuck was that?!
别去管那 You can forget about
该死的经营规划了 the damn merchandising play.
大家都还好吗？ Is everyone all right?
该死的外星人弄了我一脸 Fucking alien came on my face.
啊哦！ Ow！
你们听到什么了吗？ Did you hear that thing?
“我们在你们之中？” "We are among you"?
那是什么意思？ What does that mean?
意思是外面 Means there's more
有更多的那该死的东西 of those damn things out there.
我的上帝啊 Oh, my God.
这就是为什么它们拿走了那些皮 That's why they take the skins.
为了穿上... To wear them..
它们就在我们之中 They're among us.
真他妈的“棒”！ Oh, fucking great.
而且那鬼东西已经来过我家了 And that damn thing's been to my house.
它知道我住哪 He knows where I live.
我觉得如果那东西 I think if that thing
想杀了我们，我们早就死了，Bob had wanted us dead, we'd be dead, Bob.
现在我们并不知道谁是外星人而谁不是 So we don't know who is and who isn't an alien.
Bressman 是它们之一，我敢保证 Bressman's one of them, I guarantee it.
百分之一千的保证 1,000 percent.
好吧，我们应该先对此事保密 Yeah, we should keep this quiet
直到我们能够确认为止 until we find out who we can trust.
现在，我们不能相信任何人 And right now, we can't trust anybody.
# People are strange #
# When you're a stranger #
# Faces look ugly #
# When you're alone #
你在干什么？！ What are you doing?!
# Women seem wicked #
退后！ Back off.
# When you're unwanted #
# Streets are uneven #
啊！ Aah!
# When you're down #
# When you're strange #
# Faces come out of the rain #
# When you're strange #
# No one remembers your name #
# When you're strange, when you're strange #
# When you're strange #
# People are strange #
# When you're a stranger #
# Faces look ugly #
- # When you're alone #
# Women seem wicked when you're unwanted #
# Streets are uneven when you're down #
# When you're strange #
# Faces come out of the rain #
# When you're strange, when you're strange #
# When you're strange. #
你们都睡觉了吗？ You guys been sleeping?
我一点都睡不着 I haven't slept at all.
我不适合处理这样的事 I'm not dealing with this well.
任何一个人都可能是外星人 Any one of these people could be an alien.
看那个女人 Check her out.
她好像在研究 It's like she's studying
什么从来没见过的东西...或者 some new discovery or something.
对她来说很奇怪的东西... Some strange object, some weird,
就像奇怪的人类...圆形的水果... bizarre human... circle fruit.
看起来好像她在想：我可以吞了它吗? Looks like she's thinking, can I ingest this?
我应该把它放在 Should I put it
我的鼻子里吗？ in my flavor snout?
看看那边那个 Look at this piece of shit over here.
那个外星人现在还没学会 That alien hasn't learned
怎么正确地吃东西 how to eat properly yet.
笨拙...而又原始 So primitive, so clumsy.
十分的危险 So dangerous.
那他妈就是那个叫Jason的小子 There's that motherfucking Jason kid.
Chelsea的Facebook主页上贴满了他的照片 That's the kid that's all over Chelsea's Facebook page.
超大尺寸？你的JJ（Magnum是一个避孕套品牌） Magnums?! There's no way
这辈子也不可能那么大！ your dick's that big!
嘿，嘿，嘿！ Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Bob Bob.
这是个家庭购物商店 It's a family store.
我只是说说 I'm just saying,
他JJ绝不可能大到 there's no way his dick's that big
让他来买那个！ he needs to buy that shit.
有些人的JJ有那么大 Some people's are that big.
否则他们不会卖那样的避孕套的 Otherwise, they wouldn't sell condoms like that.
他是对的，它们很畅销 He's right, they're a big seller.
我向上帝发誓，我要把他JJ扯下来 I swear to God, I'm gonna rip his dick off.
那你得需要两只手，Bobby You're gonna need two hands, Bobby.
你好，邻居 Hello there, neighbor.
天啊 Jesus.
我十分抱歉 I'm so sorry.
我吓着你了？ Did I startle you?
嗯 Uh...
这对你有好处，你知道的 It's good for you, you know, though.
能让心脏运动... Gets the heart racing.
我知道你想要保持健康 And I know you like to stay fit.
无论如何，我只是来邀请你去 In any case, I just moseyed on over here to invite you to
一个小聚会 a little bit of a gathering
在...在我家里 I'm having at my... home.
很多有趣的人都会..来参加这个聚会 A lot of interesting characters will be in attendance.
并且，嗯... And, um...
嗯...好吧，我会考虑的 Um... well, I'll think about it.
好吧，别想得太久 Oh, well, don't think about it too long,
因为在你明白以前... because before you know it...
...生命就结束了 ...life's over.
难道这不是事实吗？ Isn't that the truth?
天..啊..! Holy shit.
他是它们之一 He's one of them.
我不敢相信我之前竟然没发现 I can't believe I didn't figure it out earlier.
这真令人毛骨悚然，他一直在监视我！ He's so creepy, he's been spying on me.
他不久前的一个晚上还说过我皮肤很好 He said I had nice skin the other night.
明白？ Get it?
皮！ Skin！
是...你有着惊人的皮肤 Yeah, you have incredible skin.
你不必吹嘘 You don't have to brag about it.
不是，是这些外星人想要剥下这张皮 No, the aliens rip off the skin.
你看到刚才他买的电池了吗？ Did you see all the batteries that guy bought?
没人会需要那么多电池 Nobody needs that many batteries.
我是说，没有地球人会那样 I mean, nobody from Earth, that is.
他说，“在我们明白以前... He said, “Before we know it...
生命就会结束。” life ends."
可能他觉得你接近真相了 Maybe he thinks you're getting kind of close
所以他想除掉你 and he wants to take you out.
这就是今晚他要干的 This is what it's about, tonight.
这也是为什么我们成立邻里监督委员会 This is why we formed the Neighborhood Watch.
我去取我的夹克 Just got to grab my jacket.
哦！感谢神啊！ Oh, thank goodness.
原来是邻里监督委员会的领导来了 It's the leader of the Neighborhood Watch.
Abby，你这是怎么了？ Abby, what the fuck?
我也正在建一个小俱乐部，但现在只有一个“空缺” I'm forming a little club, too, and it's only got one opening,
你有水吗？ do you have any water?
哦，我的天啊！ Oh, my God!
不，不，不！ No, no, no, no!
出去，出去！ Go out, go out.
哇哦！ Whoa!
滚出去，滚出去！ Get out, get out.
那是伊万夫人吗 Is that Mrs. Evan?
- 离开 - 那是你的夹克 - Just leave. - That's your jacket.
那是你的夫人？ That's your wife?
别! Stop.
很高兴见到你，Trautwig女士 It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Trautwig.
- 干得“漂亮” - 出去！ - Well done, though. - Get out!
我是Franklin，我和... I'm Franklin. I work with...
我是伊万的好朋友之一 I'm a dear friend of Evan's.
她才不关心那 She doesn't care.
亲爱的，这...这怎么了？ Honey... what is... what?
你正成立一个俱乐部，而你想要我填补你俱乐部的空缺？ You're starting a club, you want me to fill your hole?
发...发生了什么？ What-what's going on?
你在开我玩笑吗？ Are you making fun of me?
亲爱的，我不是在嘲笑你.. Honey, I'm not making fun of you.
你看起来真棒 You look awesome.
只是...有点奇怪，而且... It's just, the timing kind of is weird and...
不，真正奇怪的是我要预约 No, what's weird is that I have to make an appointment
才能和我丈夫上床 to have sex with my husband.
不，不是这样 No, you don't.
然后他忘了这事，还带着一堆怪人来家里 And then he forgets and brings a bunch of weird dudes over.
那个小个子什么都看见了！ I mean, that little one saw everything.
伊万，别这样 Evan, come on!
哦，亲爱的，我很抱歉 Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
我对我忘记这事感到十分抱歉 I forgot. I'm sorry.
是啊，你“忘”了！ Yeah. You forgot.
你得告诉她一些真相 Give her some truth, pal. She needs it.
什么，那是谁？ What? What is that?
把事实告诉她，兄弟 Be that truth-teller, brother!
他是...我不认识他 He's... I don't know.
我也不知道他在说啥 I have no idea.
你知道的，我才不关心这个 You know, I don't even care.
就到这 Just here.
快去和你的朋友们玩去吧 Go play with your friends.
拿上你的傻得掉渣的夹克走吧！ Take your stupid jacket and go.
亲爱的，你要相信我 Honey, please believe me.
这里有种力量， There are forces greater
比我们说的更加强大 than what we're talking about here
但我不能向你解释，我发誓我会向你解释... that I can't explain to you, that I promise I will explain
...在一个恰当的时候，但不是现在 to you at a certain point, but it just can't be right now.
走吧！ Go!
我真的很抱歉 I'm sorry.
亲爱的，如果我... Honey, if I...
拜托.. Come on.
嘿 Hey.
这只是啤酒 It's beer.
你是认真的吗？ You serious?
你想来点吗？ Do you want some?
嘘... Shh.
要开始了，有人来了 Here we go. Someone's coming.
你看到了？ Do you see that?
我们不清楚那会是什么 We don't know what that is,
但现在那是对夫妇 but that's a couple.

兄弟们，我已经闻到外星人在这附近了 Guys, I definitely smell alien all over this thing.
Bob! 调成震动! Bob! Vibrate!
给我一秒 Give me one second. Hang on.
就一秒。喂 One second. Hello.
啥？ What?
你在干什么？ What are you doing?
嗯，她的父母也去吗？ Uh, are her parents gonna be there?
嘘... Shh.
完全不可能！ Absolutely not!
你们到底在说什么？ What the hell are you talking about?
嘘！ Shh!
Chel..别这样！ Chel... no!
嘘..嘿！ Shh. Hey.
去他妈的。我很抱歉我们现在要从这出去 Damn it, guys. I'm sorry, we got to get out of here.
快点，我们走 Come on, go.
你们在干什么？ What are you doing?
我们要赶紧出去，快走！ We got to move out quick. Let's go.
你们在干什么？ What are you doing?
你会暴露我们的位置的 You're gonna give away our position.
好吧，现在听我说 Okay, listen to me.
我会快点告诉你们： I got to fill you in quick：
Chelsea正在去Mandy家的路上 Chelsea is on her way to Mandy's house for a party.
而她父母没有和她一起 Her parents are not there.
现在我所知道的就是 Now, what I can gather so far
从Mandy的Facebook来看Chelsea就像个妓女一样 from Mandy's Facebook page is she's a total whore.
这会变成一场交配节.. This is gonna be a full-blown fuck festival.
又摸又推... There's gonna be touching and pulling,
还有高潮... there's gonna be climaxing.
Chelsea随时都会到那 Chelsea's gonna be there any minute.
我可不能让这发生 I cannot allow that to happen.
我需要你们和我一起去 I need you guys to come with me.
我们需要制止这一切，我们走 We need to put a stop to this. Let's go.
Bob，你在说些什么？ Bob, what are you talking about?
我们可能正站在外星人巢穴外的门阶上 We are literally on the possible doorstep of an alien hive.
你是对的，好吧 You're right. You know what,
我们暂时分开 we got to split up for a little bit.
Jamarky-Mark,你和伊万待在一起 Jamarky-Mark，you stay with the Evanator.
对，你，Frankfurter，你跟着我 That's right. And you, Frankfurter, you come with me.
我和我的人一起干会更好 Me and my guy work well together.
我会把你甩得远远的，这一点也不好笑， I'm so fucking far ahead of you it's not even funny.
-不，不，不！ -我们走！ - No, no, no! - Let's go!
Franklin, Franklin! Franklin, Franklin!
- Franklin, Franklin, Franklin -我们走 - Franklin, Franklin, Franklin. - Let's go.
你哪也不准去 You're not going anywhere.
Bob，你的女儿 Bob, your daughter
现在不是当务之急 is not official business.
现在我们的工作是追查凶手， Now, our mandate is to pursue murderers
小偷，外星人和任何威胁，分裂 and thieves and aliens and anyone who threatens
到这个社区的人 to tear the fabric of this neighborhood apart.
好吧，但我作为父亲的工作就是追查 Well, my mandate as a father is to pursue little pricks
那个想捅破我女儿处女膜的小JJ that try to tear the fabric of my daughter's hymen apart!
嘘！ Shh!
别走！ Don't you walk away.
你敢？！ Don't you dare.
哦，我敢 Oh, I dare.
嘎-嘎！ Caw-caw!
差劲！差劲！ This sucks! This sucks!
嘎-嘎！ Caw-caw!
闭嘴！ Shut up!
我是只小鸟 I'm a bird!
他们听不到我，笨蛋！ They can't hear me, idiot!
我们就够了 We're good.
我们走 Let's go.
你们..! You...!
听起来好像谁正在被扯碎一样 Sounds like somebody's getting ripped apart in there.
闻起来有股霉臭味 Smells funky and musty.
你们在看什么...？ Do you see anything...
你还好？ You okay?
啊咿.. Aye.
你还好吗？ Are you okay?
我没事 I'm okay.
你好，Paul Hi, Paul.
你好，伊万 Hi, Evan.
呼.. Whew.
你没事吧 You all right?
你吓着我们了 Scared us.
这位巨人是谁？ And who is this mountain of a man?
我叫Jamarcus My name's Jamarcus.
他是Jamarcus He's Jamarcus.
可以进去吗？ Shall we?
# Showtime like cable, get up on that table #
# I love your sexy body and I know you love this paper #
# Bottles coming like they got legs on them #
# The way I kill 'em, man #
# This beat will make 'em wanna call the feds on me #
晚安-晚安 # Good-good night, good-good night-night-night #
晚安-晚安 # Good-good night, good-good night #
谢谢你带我来这 Thanks for taking me here.
这里真是性欲十足 This is erotic as hell.
Big Bob，你女儿在12点方向 Big Bob, you got daughter at midnight, 12:00.
靠近目标？ Move to extraction?
冷静下来，海豹六号 Stand down, Seal Six.
我们现在过去的话，我女儿 We go in there hot, we'll humiliate her
会在她以后的高中生活里抬不起头来的 for the rest of her high school days.
我们还是低调点 Let's just lay low.
伺机而动 Just taking in intel.
看，是科思科（超市）里的那个大JJ男孩 Look, there's that kid from Costco with the big fat dick.
他带着那根巨棒走起来就像他那有关节一样 Walking around with his massive cock like he owns the joint.
他的那个东西擦着他的膝盖 That shit's just banging against his kneecaps.
我猜那家伙上厕所时，他的JJ 20 bucks that guy's dick
会浸在马桶里 dips in the toilet when he takes a shit.
喔！ Whoo!
哦，你好，小姐 Oh, hey, girl.
啊哦 Uh-oh.
哦，太棒了！ Oh, yeah.
去他妈的 Dig that shit!
去他妈的，谁是你爸爸？ Dig that shit! Who's your daddy?!
我是他爹，你这坨大便 I'm her daddy, you piece of shit!
快来爸爸的卧室 Come to Daddy's bedroom.
对，是主卧室哦 Yeah, it's the master bedroom.
哦~ Ooh!
我们行动！ Let's move ass!
我们从哪进去？ Which way are we going here?
从底下，底下! Down, down!
这边请，先生们 Right this way, gentlemen.
请把，你们先 Please, after you.
好的，Jamarcus Thank you, Jamarcus.
It's a nice...
place you got here, Paul.
Like the paint.
Oh, thank you, Evan Trautwig.
And allow me to pay you a compliment in kind.
I see you out there jog, jog, jog, jogging,
and I often think to myself,
my God, what a perfect specimen...
Excuse me.
Two perfect specimens.
Gentlemen...
say good-bye to the world as you know it.
(moaning loudly)
More!
And say hello to paradise.
(women moaning, grunting)
Welcome to the sanctuary of the human spirit, gents,
because tonight's all about freedom.
And, uh, some about boning.
(chuckles)
Think we solved the battery mystery.
(buzzing, vibrating)
Come on in, boys.
The water is just right.
MAN: Oh, yeah, cinematography's unreal.
It's definitely gonna win Best Picture.
Yeah. Switch?
Yeah.
EVAN: This is disgusting.
It stinks in here. Come on, I was wrong.
Let's go.
Hey.
Do you mind if I suck on your balls?
I'm gonna see how this plays out.
I'm going.
Oh, here we go.
I'll get your name in due course.
# I'm fresh, I'm fly, I'm so damn high #
Mr. McAllister.
Mandy, this is quite a gathering you got cooking here.
I'm a little surprised.
It's a little late for the chess club to be out!
Come on, what do we got here?
A little weed, little tequila.
Where's the hard stuff, pussies?
Oh, my God, are you guys twins?
Yes.
Oh, my gosh, I can't even tell you guys apart.
I'm kidding! I'm kidding!
Slow down! You kids are out of your mind!
It's, like, I feel like the three of us just met,
but I feel like I'm the triplet in a weird way,
but in, like, like, in a sexual way.
Like, where do we take it from here?
I'm located about 45 minutes south of here.
I live with my mom.
Look, I'm not here to break up the party.
I want you kids to get hopped up.
Oh, wow. Wow.
But I'm looking for a Chelsea McAllister.
Anyone here know where she might be?
You guys know who I'm talking about, right?
(music playing faintly in distance)
(grunts softly)
Um, maybe we should go back to the party.
No.
I want to keep doing this.
Um...
Okay, I just think we're going a little fast.
We're not.
This is amazing.
We should keep moving at this exact pace.
Maybe even a little bit faster.
Okay, seriously, Jason, stop it.
Seriously, Chelsea,
I don't want to.
Chelsea?
Dad?
What are you doing here?
What the hell?!
Dude, get out of here!
Let's just go.
Are you okay?
Ruining this.
(sighs)
Catch you later, Chelse.
Oh, shit.
Hey!
Hey, jackass!
I'm talking to you, prick!
You think you're cute, you little fuck?!
(grunts)
Oh, my God!
(crowd gasps, murmurs)
(coughing)
Ouch.
That looks like a real gusher, Bob.
Come here, come here!
Dad!
(crowd gasps)
Dad!
(groans)
Oh, my God.
Are you okay, Dad?
I'm okay. It just stung a little bit.
You don't fuck with Bob.
You show Bob respect.
(chuckles): Okay.
Bob's my special guy.
That's right.
That's right, that just happened.
You don't tell your parents about this.
You don't tell your friends about this.
You write it in your dream journal, you lock it up,
and you put it under your pillow.
I will come back here
and I will kill each and every one of you!
Except for those two hot girls I was talking to.
They have my information, please have them
get in contact with me; They seem great.
No, I'm glad you showed up tonight.
I'm sorry.
It's okay, honey.
Come on, let's go home.
Okay.
Daddy?
I'm okay, honey. I think you got it all.
You can put it away.
You doing all right?
Mm-hmm.
Good.
Hey, Bob, can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah, sure.
Okay, honey, I'll be in in a second.
All right.
I love you so much.
I love you, too.
I appreciate you showing up.
I know it takes a big man to apologize.
What happened back there was not cool.
You abandoned your post.
If that had been an alien hive, we would have been killed.
So, it wasn't a hive?
Where's Jamarcus?
Jamarcus decided to stay at Paul's.
And no, it wasn't a hive.
It turned out to be a local orgy.
What?
There's an orgy happening? Locally?
So, wait, y-you're mad at me for leaving an orgy?
Doesn't matter what it was.
The point is you left us hanging.
It's the principle.
No, the principle is I went to go
help my daughter who was in trouble.
Evan, you can't be such a control freak, man.
You're too uptight.
Yeah, Bob, I'm uptight.
I'm uptight about the aliens
that are killing people in our neighborhood.
That's what I'm uptight about.
Neighborhood Watch isn't for people
who can't handle their daughter's personal shit.
Do you even hear how you sound right now?
Why don't you look at your own personal life,
Evan, 'cause you don't even have one.
You don't talk to your wife.
You don't have any friends.
I have friends.
No, you don't, man.
I have tons of friends.
No, you don't. You have clubs.
You start these clubs! That's what you do!
And you become a dictator!
You just boss everyone and tell them what to do
because you're running away from what really matters.
You don't have the guts to deal with
what's going on in your own home.
Yeah, well...
I have the guts to do this.
You're out of the Watch.
You can't throw me out of the Watch.
I just did.
Okay. You know what? I don't care.
I'm gonna start my own watch.
You know what?
You can't, because there already is a watch!
So you can't do that.
Oh, yes, I can start my watch,
'cause if I'm not in your watch,
you can't give me rules anymore.
I'm gonna keep my own logo, too.
I never liked that logo anyway.
My logo is awesome!
My logo is "Chinee."
The "Chinee" understand movement,
and I understand the Chinese.
I combined flight with flames with a tiger.
What am I combining, Evan?
Serenity,
optimism, attack!
Franklin, let's get some pudding inside you.
Franklin, you do not go in that house!
Jesus, Evan, you don't own him.
You don't own all of us.
Franklin is his own man.
He can make his own decisions.
He can think for himself.
Now, Franklin, get your fucking ass in the house!
Don't you speak with Franklin!
Franklin, you stay!
Franklin, stay!
Come! Franklin, come!
Come here!
Frank, come here, come here, come here, Franklin.
Come here, Franklin.
Franklin, look at me.
Franklin.
Franklin, come on.
Um, Evan, you're a special friend...
...but I live here.
How's it feel, Evan, to be in a club of one?
(door closes)
# #
Maybe he's jacking off too much.
No.
You know what I mean?
Like, the well is dry by the time you get home.
Ew, stop.
Well, I don't know.
Have you noticed, like,
any abrasions or signs of stress on his penis?
Abrasions? No.
Well, like, he's pulling on it too hard.
(panting)
I'm sterile.
Bye-bye.
- Hey, Carla. - Hey.
Honey, I can't have kids.
I went to a doctor and got it checked out.
And I am barren.
It's me, it's not you.
It's not the both of us, it's me.
And I've been trying to tell you, but just every time
you wanted to have sex, it was all I could think about.
And I didn't know how to tell you, so I...
I mean, I mean, why?
Why wouldn't you tell me?
Isn't that the kind of thing
that couples figure out together?
I just knew how much you wanted this, and...
...I didn't want to let you down.
Yeah, but I want this.
More than anything.
And... I don't know,
we can figure all that other stuff out.
All I ever wanted was for us to be a team.
That's all I ever wanted.
Honey, oh...
No more secrets, okay?
Actually...
there is one more secret.
(sighs): Okay.
(doorbell rings)
(urgent knocking on door)
Hey, Evan.
Jamarcus, you know what, now's not a good time.
Okay, well, I need to tell you something.
I know. I just need to be with my wife right now.
This is more important.
Whatever it is, it isn't.
Trust me.
We need to get the Neighborhood Watch together now.
Do you want another one? That gonna hold you over?
I'll eat more pudding if you have more.
I don't know that I'm open to an apology yet.
You serious?
Jamarcus, what's going on?
Oh...
The fuck?
Oh, my God.
Is that a... like, a parlor trick?
It's okay. It's okay.
Touch my goo, Bob.
Feels like cum.
Holy fuck, it feels like cum!
What?
He's a fucking alien!
You stay the fuck back, Jamarcus!
All right, what the hell is going on?
Franklin, I'm not here to hurt you.
Believe me, I've had many chances to kill you.
You're one of them?
You're an alien?
Look, our ship came here six months ago,
and we've been hiding ever since.
We inhabited your human form to infiltrate your society
and learn your weaknesses, but instead...
Why is this thing still talking? Let's kill him.
Because, in a few hours,
our transmitter will become operational.
When it signals, our armada will commence a global invasion
starting here in Glenview, which is clearly
not ideal for you.
What?
Why?
We're aliens.
That's we do... we come to planets,
we destroy them, we move on.
Wait a minute.
Did you kill Antonio?
No. God, of course not.
I know who did. His name's Flertrok.
The man is a fucking cunt.
Where is this transmitter thing?
The only place big enough with enough power and supplies.
Costco?
Yeah.
You've been planning an alien invasion in my Costco?
You really do have everything you need under one roof.
BOB: Why are you telling us this
if we don't have any time to stop it?
What kind of sick fucking head game are you playing?
Well, because there's good news.
If you leave now, you will survive
the initial invasion,
and after that, if you take to the desert
and live in caves and crevices, you could, you know, live
with moderate dignity for most of your lives.
I don't believe a word he's saying.
He betrayed the Watch.
JAMARCUS: Yes, but since then, I've come to know
humanity's compassion and... and beauty and... and love.
I don't want to lie anymore.
And also, the ball sucking was a real eye opener.
Look, I'm not going to ask
for your forgiveness, because I don't deserve it.
I'm really sorry.
Just go.
Okay.
Please, save yourselves
while there's still time.
ABBY: What the hell is happening?
FRANKLIN: Well, if we don't leave here right now,
we're going to die.
Guys, are you actually talking
about giving up and leaving Glenview?
EVAN: No, I think we go and...
and alert the authorities,
get as many people out as possible.
And then what?
And then... I don't know.
FRANKLIN: Evan's right.
We need to hit the caves.
Guys, we're not going to let Glenview become ground zero
for an alien invasion and not do something about it.
We're the Neighborhood Watch.
This is what we do.
No, Bob, come on.
It's what we did... or never really did,
because we didn't really do anything.
Until now.
I say, tonight, we change that.
Evan, you started the neighborhood watch
because you believed in something.
You believed in this town.
You believed in these people.
You believed in us. And damn it, I still do.
We're not going to let a bunch of aliens
waltz in here and do whatever the hell
they want to do.
I say, not on our watch.
I say they drew the short straw when they picked Glenview.
Now, come on, guys,
and get your heads right.
This neighborhood's going to need our best tonight.
Evan, some aliens just set up tents in your store.
What do you want to do about it?
Costco is for members only.
Let's take out that transmitter.
Now we're talking.
All right, Watch.
This is it.
Now it gets real.
That's a cute ten-milly Beretta, Bobby.
But I say we make a little pit stop at my house.
# #
# I was a moving man #
# In my younger days... #
Welcome to the candy shop, motherfuckers.
Jesus.
Nice.
Holy shit.
Ladies first.
Oh.
This one looks cute. (chuckles)
Cute and deadly.
Just like me.
Ew.
FRANKLIN'S MOM: Franklin, what are you doing?
Who are these people?
And what are you doing with these guns?
Goddamn it, Mom, stay the fuck out of my room!
I don't go through your shit!
I don't touch your butterflies!
Franklin.
Stay the fuck out. All right, everyone out of my room.
Everyone out of my room.
Everyone leave. Everyone leave. Everyone out.
- I got shit I have to do. - Nice to meet you.
Politeness, yeah.
It was a pleasure.
(whispering): I'm sorry, Mama.
I was trying to impress my friends.
I was trying to be a big man.
I love you. Stay inside the house tonight, okay?
What...
You're an angel.
(engine revving, tires screeching)
BRESSMAN (over phone): Glenview PD.
This is Sergeant Bressman.
EVAN: Bressman?
It's Evan Trautwig. Listen to me very carefully.
There is an alien invasion happening at the Costco.
I know it sounds crazy, but you got to get down there right now.
BRESSMAN: Oh, an alien invasion?
Really? At-at Costco?
Right now? Oh, great, I'm on my way.
Oh, wait, no, I'm not.
I'm still here for some reason.
G-Give me the phone. Give me the phone.
Bressman, you were right.
Trautwig is the Costco killer.
He's going to take us to Costco right now
and kill us. You got to help us. Aah!
He's coming.
Really?
Yeah.
He believed that?
# #
Look.
ABBY: Oh, my God. That's an alien.
I-I-I...
I'm looking at an alien.
BOB: I know.
It can be a total mind-fuck.
What do we do, bust in the front door, guns blazing?
I love the enthusiasm, Frank 'n' Beans,
but I think we're going to need
a different kind of strategy here.
There's only one way underneath the store.
It's through the drainage grate in frozen foods.
When we rebuilt the tire section,
we put shelving over the trash chute,
but we never sealed it off.
Stay behind me.
Let's go.
Pop this bitch open.
I'll cover you.
Come on, let's go, guys. Let's go, let's go, let's go.
I can't...
Shh.
Do you have nails? Do you have nails?
# #
(walkie-talkie beeps, feedback squeals)
BOB: He's guarding the grate. Are you guys in position?
In position.
This is exciting.
Okay.
All right, we shoot him on three.
I repeat... shoot on three.
One. Two.
Three!
(door banging open)
Freeze, Trautwig.
Game over.
Where'd it go? Did you see it?
I don't know.
You're under arrest for the murder of Manfred Salisbury,
Antonio Guzman
Shh! Shh!
And that little punk skater kid.
(whispering): Shut up.
Drop the guns.
You don't understand what's happening.
There's aliens in the store.
Oh, yeah?
Aliens? Where?
It was right over there until you scared it.
Now, keep your mouth down.
Oh, aliens who are scared by the sound
- of a door opening. - Shh!
BRESSMAN: Look out, Earth.
You've met your match.
Drop the guns!
EVAN: no, we're not
going to drop our guns, because there are aliens here.
(grunts)
Chucho, what's up, buddy?
You got something to say?
(screams)
Oh, what the fuck is that thing?
(screaming)
No.
(roars)
No!
BRESSMAN: Fuck! Fuck!
Shit! Oh!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
BRESSMAN: Chucho.
(sobbing): Oh, Chucho, Chucho.
Oh, stay with me, buddy.
Stay with me.
Oh, no, no, no, Chucho.
Come on, come on, come on.
Come on, stay with me.
Stay with me. Come on.
BOB: His, uh...
his heart is out of his body, fella.
I-I don't think he's going to make it.
What? No, no, he's going to make it.
Come on! Come on!
Listen, cop!
You got a lot of shit you need to brought up to speed on,
and I, for one, don't have the goddamn time
to hold your hand and walk you through it.
First, aliens exist.
Deal with it.
Second, your boy Chuch, here, is dead as fuck.
And there ain't nothing on God's green Earth
that's going to bring him back to us.
Now, I have a bunch of aliens underneath this Costco,
and we are moments away from this Earth
being stomped a new asshole.
Now, I have one important question,
and I need you to answer it for me right now.
Are you with us?
Are you a cop?
No. You rejected me.
'Cause I was too awesome for you.
Well, that was clearly the biggest
goddamn mistake I've ever made.
I'll do whatever you say, kid.
Lock and load, bitches.
Anything from outer space, kill it.
Come on. That alien was guarding that grate for a reason.
(screaming)
Die! Die!
You... killed... my... friend!
You stupid Flertrok!
I don't know if we can confirm or deny
whether or not that's Flertrok,
but this thing's a goner for sure.
Oh, it hurts.
(Bressman groaning)
I guess this is the part where you leave me to die.
No, no.
Uh, you're not going to die.
Yeah, you're not going to die.
(whispering): He's going to... he's going to die.
You better get some help.
(loud electronic whirr)
That doesn't sound good.
Come on, we got to find that transmitter.
Hey.
Go kill me some aliens, baby.
All right.
Okay.
Hey. I need you to be strong for me, okay?
Ew.
Okay...
Franklin.
What's the deal?
What are we doing?
All right, you ready?
Yeah, okay.
Okay, I'm just going to lift your arm.
# #
Here we go.
(steam hissing)
(electronic whirring)
FRANKLIN: Holy shit.
JASON: Gentlemen.
What the hell are you doing down here?
JASON: Nothing, really.
Just picking up some paper towels in bulk.
Super-big tub of mayo.
And what else?
Oh, yeah.
Transmitting a signal to my armada
to destroy your entire race.
FRANKLIN: Holy shit!
He's an alien!
BOB: You motherfucker!
You guys go destroy the transmitter.
I'll deal with this jackass.
No. We're not going to leave you alone with him.
Goddamn it, Evan, we don't have time for this shit.
Just go, go, go, go, go! I got him. I got him.
Bob's right. Look, they have some shit they have to work out.
Let's just go. Come on.
Okay, you be careful.
Okay. Okay, Bob.
You can do this.
(grunting)
Come on, Bob.
This is too easy.
(grunting)
Whoo!
Yeah!
(grunting): God.
Oh, my God.
What do we do?
I have an idea.
(bullet ricochets)
My idea didn't work.
(roars)
Evan, they're not dying!
I'm out of bullets.
So am I.
It's going to be an honor
getting skinned alive next to you.
What is happening?
FRANKLIN: Why are their dicks exploding?
Hi.
That's the only way to kill us.
Severe trauma to the dick.
That's where our brains are.
Like all guys. Am I right?
JAMARCUS: You know it.
EVAN: Bob, come in.
If you can hear me...
(yells)
their weakness is their dick.
Their Achilles' heel is in their dicks.
Die!
(screeches)
(screaming)
(grunts)
(Bob panting)
Magnum, my ass.
I only needed one hand for that shit.
(whirring)
Jamarcus, how do you shut this thing down?
Looks like the orb's powering it,
so maybe removing the orb
would de-power it?
You're guessing?
You seriously don't know how this thing works?
I'm not an engineer. I didn't build it.
I mean, do you know how your cell phone works?
Do I... Yes, I know how my cell phone works.
You hit a bunch of numbers and you hit send.
At least don't you know the basic...?
What do you mean, the basic?
Look at it. It's not fucking basic.
It looks complicated. That light bit.
See, that light... that means it's almost charged, right?
What's happening?
Whoa! What the fuck is he doing here?
Bob, it's all right. We were surrounded,
and he saved our asses.
EVAN: You okay?
FRANKLIN: He came in here
jacking dicks left and right.
(chittering)
Shit. What is that?
I'm going to go get that orb thing.
You guys cover me, all right?
BOB: Yeah, Evaroo.
Just go quick. Hurry up. This place sucks.
I've gone to the other side, guys.
I'm fucking way in it.
If first thing in war is lost is fucking innocence...
(spits) Yeah!
BOB: Better watch it.
Hurry up, buddy.
Hurry up.
(trilling)
(whooshing)
FRANKLIN: It's transmitting!
Get it off that thing.
(machine powering down)
(beeping)
It worked!
FRANKLIN: All right.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
What is it?
Franklin!
(roaring)
Holy shit. Evan, let's go!
(yells)
BOB: We got to get the orb out of here.
Cover us. Let's go.
I got you, Frank 'n' Bean!
(roaring)
(gun fires)
(screeching)
BOB: Come on!
Let's go!
Get up there, Frank.
Come on, Evan.
Move, move, move.
This place is crawling.
(grunts)
(roars)
Jamarcus, give me your hand!
Just go. Take the orb out and go.
No Watchman left behind!
Give me your hand! Come on, pal!
Come on, brother. Let's go.
Fridge! Franklin!
Get up here. Let's go.
(grunting)
Go! Go! Go! Go!
(roaring)
Come on, come on! Let's go!
Franklin, the switch!
(alarm whooping)
Get back, Abby!
Abby!
Take cover!
BOB: Come on, boys!
Let's plug these motherfucking holes!
(whooshing)
Good-bye, sweet child of mine.
Evan!
# #
BRESSMAN: Wait, what's happening?
Did we win?
I can't see. Are those tears of joy?
They're not tears of joy, are they?
Oh, no. Your husband's dead, isn't he?
Your husband's dead. I'm so sorry.
You're going to find somebody.
You're a great person.
Life goes on, though.
There's always something better
around the corner.
That's what my mom always said.
I'm single, too, actually.
# #
EVAN: Hey.
(sighs)
Your Costco.
I'm sorry, baby.
Don't be.
She'll rise again.
Like a phoenix from the ashes.
And when she does, we'll be there.
We did it, Ev.
Yeah, we did.
You came back for us.
We went to an orgy together.
We are, like, friends forever now.
I'll explain that to you later.
Yeah.
Okay.
Hey.
Listen, I'm sorry about that stuff I said before.
BOB: Ah, forget it, man.
I'm really sorry about the stuff I said, too, but...
I mean, that's what brothers do.
They fight.
But then they always make up, right?
Are we cool?
Yeah.
All right.
Get in here, little big man.
That's my guy.
That was really beautiful, you guys.
Now do me.
What?
Apologize to me.
For what?
If I have to tell you, then the apology is meaningless.
All right, Frank 'n' Beans.
Get in here.
Thank you. Thank you.
Come on, Jamrock.
All right, guys.
Listen, baby, I know things get tough, but I'm okay.
Yeah. No, look, I understand.
You got to stop that.
Really. What are you doing? Really.
I'm in a weird place. I'm sorry.
BOB: I don't want to come off
as kind of a bottom-feeder, but there could be
a couple of knickknacks in that store
that no one's going to miss.
Don't even finish it.
What are you doing? No.
Pick up a couple knickknacks or something for the...
That stuff's all covered by insurance.
You can't... What are you...?
EVAN: I used to think I had it all,
but then I realized:
What was it all about without friends?
All right, kids, let's get in a little tighter here.
Let's keep the hands above the hips.
Let's keep it 1950s in this bitch, okay?
Is it true your dad ripped your last boyfriend's dick off?
Yup.
Hey, you guys be home by midnight.
I was thinking
actually 10:30, sir, if that's okay with you.
Don't be such a suck-up. What, are you going to blow me in the driveway?
Midnight's going to be fine.
EVAN: Sometimes, someone you thought
was a total douche bag...
I mean, like, a real piece of shit guy...
turns out to be your best friend and your partner.
And for me, even though my testicles
had completely betrayed me, Abby hadn't.
She and I were a team.
Boo!
Whoa!
Mommy, Daddy.
And a family.
Oh! Where did you come from?
I now know that we are not alone.
And I'm feeling pretty good about that.
That's right.
EVAN: So, if you hear something
go bump in the night, never fear,
because the Neighborhood Watch, as always, is watching...
the neighborhood...
for aliens.
# You ain't seen nothing yet #
# B-b-b-baby, you just ain't seen n-n-nothing yet. #
# Woke up quick at about noon #
# Just thought that I had to be in Compton soon #
# I gotta get drunk before the day begins #
# Before my mother starts bitchin' #
# About my friends #
# Then I let the Alpine play, play #
(horn honking)
# Bumping new shit by N.W.A. #
# It was gangsta, gangsta at the top of the list #
# Then I played my own shit, it went somethin' like this #
# Cruisin' down the street in my 6-4 #
# Jockin' the bitches, slappin' the hoes #
# Went to the park to get the scoop #
# Knuckleheads out there cold shootin' some hoops #
# A car pulls up, who can it be? #
# A fresh El Camino rolling Kilo G #
# He rolled down his window and he started to say #
# It's all about making that GTA #
# 'Cause the boys in the hood are always hard #
# You come talkin' that trash, we'll pull your card #
# Knowin' nothin' in life but to be legit #
# Don't quote me, boy, 'cause I ain't said shit #
# Yo, man, yo #
# Yo, man... #
# Yo, man #
# Get the fuck out, fuck out, fuck out, fuck out... #
(music fades)
# #
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