You're a fucking nerd.
Boy, you lucky you even graduating.
- Fuck! - Oh!
You're good at this, huh? Yeah.
You're really good at this. Yeah.
Hey, you want to be friends?
Yours isn't loaded, right?
Just touch it. I'm scared.
Just touch it.
Seriously. All right, all right, all right.
You took a bullet for me, man.
You shot me in the dick!
Boom, motherfuckers!
You two sons of bitches are going to college!
Yin is characterized as slow, soft, passive
and is associated with water and femininity.
While, Yang, by contrast, is fast and solid and...
Man, this is bs.
I thought we were going to actual college, not online college.
Listening for coded messages in lectures.
What are you talking about?
Look around.
This is our city.
What do we want to be in college for?
You're right.
Partners for life.
At Metro city port, the tide comes in at 10:30 A.M.
Then it will return to the sea.
Metro port. One hour.
let's do this.
# Turn down for what
# turn down for what
surprise. There's two more arms.
# turn down for what
# turn down for what #
- shit! That's the ghost. - The ghost?
Joste nillsen,
biggest trafficker of illegal goods in Metro city.
He teamed up with a Mexican cartel
and they're running all this shit through the port.
What the hell are we supposed to be buying?
I don't know.
What are you doing? Huh?
I got a new identity that's gonna be killer.
I'll be throwing it to you to make it legit.
Okay.
I'm gonna need you to improvise. Okay?
I don't want to improvise.
I'm gonna need you to improvise.
I suck at improvising. I don't want to do it.
I need absolute silence while I fall into character.
Can you give me a head start on...
I need absolute... I need absolute silence.
Can you please... Absolute silence.
Are you fucking serious right now?
All right. I hate people who are late.
We're trying to see that product.
Shit!
Yo, sleepy! What's up, homie?
You know my cousin, sad boy.
I think you got the wrong guy, homes.
Oh, that's bullshit, man! You sleepy!
Everyone say in the barrio,
"sleepy, he like the Mexican Wolverine" and shit.
Hey, my partner here, he want to see the product.
Why ain't he talking?
My name is Jeff.
That's jeffe, man.
Tell 'em about mousie's quinceanera, man.
Tell 'em about that crazy adventure you guys had.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, man, when you were telling the story last night,
you had so much detail!
The detail was so rich! It was rich detail!
Go into incredibly descriptive details
of the story, so we all know.
Oh, yes.
It was dora and Diego
and swiper.
Swiper?
Who was that you choked out, man?
He had it coming! Who was that?
Boots.
No, man, that wasn't boots! Boots isn't a real name!
You got to tell them the real story, man.
Start over from the top.
That's a made-up name.
I can't believe the punks I have to deal with these days.
It really makes me miss the '90s,
when we had professionals around.
You want to check out the goods?
Check it out.
And shut up. Right?
Where'd you find this gringo, man?
At the fucking mumford & sons concert and shit?
What is it? Guns? Drugs?
No! No!
Dude! It's gross!
It's inking in my mouth!
I'll get it off.
Its tentacle is eating me!
It's so strong! It's really on there, man.
It's biting my face!
Shit!
Black market exotic animals, just like we expected to be in there.
The accents are gone, huh?
Take them out, guys. They're cops.
What was that? I don't know! I think we're moving.
We're definitely moving!
There's fucking birds and shit in here!
There's actual shit!
What the fuck?
There's a fucking dragon in here!
Shit!
What was that?
Dude, that was our car.
We shared so much in that car!
I'm going to shoot them in the face for that! That was our fucking car!
What are you doing?
Don't teen wolf on the truck!
Don't leave me here alone!
Then get up here!
I can't do that!
Then fucking climb around. Come on, climb around.
Let's go. Come on, buddy. You got it.
This is so scary!
Shoot him!
Don't leave me out here!
I'm all out. You stupid moron!
That's it. Come on.
Fucking get up here. Come on. Fuck!
All right, you good? Yeah!
All you got to do is walk now, okay? Okay.
Shit!
What the fuck are you doing? Get up here!
I can't!
All right, fine, I guess I'll just drag you.
I'm gonna die!
You're not gonna die. Just get the fuck up here!
Pull yourself up here.
Use your core!
You got it, you got it. Come on, come on. Yeah!
All right. Think you can stand on your own now?
Yes!
I think we lost them.
Shit!
He's the fucking Terminator!
That's fucking dangerous!
You are under arrest!
Pull the truck over!
I said pull the fucking truck over right fucking now!
You owe me a car,
and it'd better be a fucking lamborghini, you bitch!
I did it!
You have the right to remain silent.
Oh, shit!
Holy Moses!
Shit.
What happened?
I think they got away.
Is that a hickey?
Oh. This was actually an octopus-related incident.
I'd opened a crate and the octopus had leapt onto my face.
Apparently, they have many, many arms.
They have eight tentacles.
Yes, and...
Look, ladies,
nobody gave a shit about the jump street reboot when you first came on.
Anyone with half a brain, myself included,
thought it was destined to fail spectacularly.
But you got lucky.
So now this department has invested
a lot of money to make sure jump street keeps going.
We've doubled their budget.
As if spending twice the money guaranteed twice the profit.
Like that's going to work.
Yeah. Well, the commissioner's convinced this debacle happened
because you weren't doing the same undercover student thing
you did the first time.
She doesn't get that it's always worse
the second time around.
You settle into worn-out roles.
One gets possessive, the other runs away.
You begin a slow, painful unraveling,
as all the good things that came before
begin to be crushed by the trash compactor of sadness.
That doesn't sound like us. I mean...
I'm getting a divorce.
We don't want to do the same thing.
We want to burst through our ceiling.
And you're gonna find another ceiling
and you got to bust through that one,
and you just got to keep hammering ceilings.
Okay, okay, okay.
What if we actually went into the secret service
and, like, tried to protect the white house?
I think... I don't think that would work.
I'm going to ask you to stop talking.
I thought it was a pretty good idea.
Do the same thing as last time, everyone's happy.
I can't believe the Koreans bought their church back.
Yeah. Good thing there was an even bigger
abandoned church directly across the street.
Yeah. That's convenient. Yes, it is convenient.
Next year, we'll probably just be right back across the street.
Just next door.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
We're not ahead of ourselves.
We're right next to each other.
This is awesome. Like, way more expensive for no reason.
Look at dickson's office.
Looks like a giant cube of ice.
How you bitches like jump street now?
Hey!
Y'all see this shit?
22 jump street is the lick.
And I got a big-ass raise
to babysit you two fuckers again.
Designed it myself. We got an espresso bar.
I'm thinking about a shark tank over there.
Ooh, I like sharks.
Fuck a 21 jump street, and fuck a Korean Jesus.
Whoa! Cap, come on, Korean Jesus is right there.
That's vietnamese Jesus.
See, this a vietnamese church.
You racist, sacrilegious sack of shit.
Look at that. Vietnamese Jesus just dripping swagoo.
And we got some new dumb-ass interns.
Hey, hey! Look alive! Huh?
Boys. Yo, jenko.
Hey, schmidt!
Don't do that.
So, they want the same shit, so here we go.
Same identities.
Same assignment.
We're going back to high school?
Your ass look like you about 50.
You're going to mc state.
We're going to college for real?
Somebody's out there, they're cooking up a new drug.
It's Adderall mixed with ecstasy mixed with God knows what else.
"Wipey"?
No, you dumb motherfucker. "Whyphy."
Stands for "work hard? Yes. Play hard? Yes."
Now, these kids take this shit,
and they get laser-focused for about four hours of studying,
and then they party like it's goddamn 1999.
Who's this?
That's Cynthia Watson.
She was a student at mc state.
She took some whyphy,
got locked out of her dorm,
ended up falling off the roof.
And now she's dead.
That's her buying drugs on campus.
And that's the dealer.
Find him and we find the supplier.
Sir, can I just say,
it is so refreshing to have a case with a black victim.
I mean, we care so much more because she's black.
I think what he's really trying to say
is that we care equally.
It's a tie, really, how much we care.
Uh... no, we're not. If it was a white person, I wouldn't even care.
One less cracker-ass cracker to worry about.
Why every time you speak I want to throw the fuck up?
Infiltrate the dealer, find the supplier.
You all right?
Yeah.
It's just...
I'm the first person in my family to pretend to go to college.
Best part is we get to do it together.
What's up, college?
What's up, bro? We're 322.
Fuck high school, right?
Fuck high school.
Oh, so tight!
Oh, this is so baller!
Beds... oh, shit.
Oh, dope. That looks like cum.
That's cum. Okay. All right.
Already got cum on the mattress, dawg.
Welcome to college. Fuck, yeah.
Hilarious shirt that signals we drink alcohol.
Some bacon machine that my mom got me.
I do not understand how it works.
It's true.
Super high-tech police gear.
Carte blanche with the budget, motherfucker.
I'm going to veto that poster.
It's a touch childish.
Okay. What do lambos have to do with touching children?
Lambos are lame.
I get one choice. I get one thing that I'm not...
We have to agree. You know what I mean?
What up, fellas? We're your across-the-hall neighbors.
Oh, hey, there's two of you. You're twins.
What's up, man?
We're the yangs, man. Kenny Yang. What's up?
Keith Yang.
What's going on? What's going on?
Did you say the yangs?
Yeah, dad's Chinese, man.
Our mom's not Chinese. She's black.
Oh. She's like real black.
Like Wesley snipes black. Exactly.
We're brothers, too.
No. He's not kidding. He's serious.
Oh, really?
What? Like, one of y'all older?
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, 'cause you got crow's feet under your eyes, man.
You specifically.
We're actually just normal college age.
I mean, even if you're a little older, that's cool, man,
because, you know, girls here love older dudes.
That's true.
Plus, there's mad fuckable girls here.
Mad fuckable. Especially during spring break.
I love spring break. But I do have to say,
I've fucked a thousand girls by now
and I don't know, at the end of the day,
you just kind of want something
that's just a little deeper really.
Yeah, balls deeper. Jinx. Buy me a coke.
Oh, snap, we're still saying the same thing. This is amazing!
Carrots. Pumpernickels. Glow sticks. Twins!
That's dope, dude. That's so sick.
That's crazy. We have that brother connection, too.
You ready? Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
Pirates! Baby feet! Paper clips! Bananas!
Sun! Anger! I don't know! Words!
Quicksand! Shoes!
Boom!
That's hip-hop, man. Awesome.
That's great.
It's gonna be super fun.
All right? Same as last time.
Dude, if it's like last time,
you're gonna have an awesome time, and it's gonna suck for me.
No. You're gonna have an awesome time, too,
because I'm gonna make sure of it.
You took a bullet for me.
That's right, I did, and it sucked, but I'd do it again.
No way. It's my turn. I owe you a life debt.
Co-ed bathrooms.
What? Oh, shit.
I'm not gonna take a shit
the entire time I'm here.
I know.
Hey. How you doing?
Hey.
What's up? 'Sup?
Just exhausted from inventing Facebook
or whatever website people our age use.
They still have books?
I thought they just put the books inside the computers.
Yeah, I guess the kids just use the stacks to hide and have sex.
So we'll go to all Cynthia's classes and activities,
ask around about the drug
and find out who the dealer is.
Yeah, it's just like last time.
Exactly like last time.
Dude, in human sexuality,
do you get to fuck
or do you just get to watch people fuck?
Neither.
What the fuck am I taking it for, then?
Now, obviously, we've all heard this statement before,
I've got a first impression for you.
Oh, y'all like psychology?
Tracy Morgan.
Nobody?
Work hard, play hard, am I right?
You looking for some whyphy?
Yeah, man, that'd be sick.
Go to the police station,
walk in and ask your captain to see the evidence room
'cause you're a fucking narc.
I think you're mistaken.
You're literally wearing your badge.
Did you really just check to see
if you were wearing your badge?
This guy's a fucking cop.
I didn't look down.
"Wait, Professor Jacobs, doesn't history happen a long time ago?"
Well, history happens...
This class is such a gut.
Hey, you guys play football?
No, this is actually my laptop.
Yeah, I'm taking notes right now.
I'm kidding. It's a football.
Mr. Mcquaid?
Covalent bonds.
What has been the result of the war on drugs?
Why would you ask me? I'm not a cop.
Because this is a college seminar,
and that's how college seminars work.
Professor gets into a lively conversation with the student.
Friction creates fire, and that leads to lessons learned.
Well, it's definitely harder to get drugs.
I can personally tell you that.
The average price of cocaine
has dropped 70 % in the last 30 years.
Then your dealer's probably selling you some pretty stepped-on shit.
Mr. Mcquaid, college is a wonderful place.
This is where you get to decide who you actually are,
instead of the person that you're clearly pretending to be right now,
which everyone sees through, by the way.
You got to decide, "do I just keep doing the same thing,
"or am I gonna choose a different path
"and question my convictions?"
I don't have any prior convictions.
Why are you saying this stuff?
That's exactly the answer I wanted, Mr. Mcquaid!
I want you to question what I'm saying.
This is the basis of this whole course,
and that's the beauty of college.
You can say whatever you want.
You can be whatever you want.
I mean, I have tenure. I can really say whatever I want.
George Washington was a black lesbian.
The eiffel tower is made of dildos.
They can't fire me. I'm indestructible.
I'm sleeping with two of my students.
Her and her. I actually am.
Now, just like you did before,
I want you right now to say whatever you want.
Say whatever you want.
Fieto.
"Fieto," not a word, but I'm gonna accept it.
You can do whatever you want with your life, Mr. Mcquaid.
The only way you can fail this class
is by not becoming who you truly are.
Please respond to my text.
Okay, we got time for just one more improv game.
For this one, we need a ton of different suggestions.
So, we just need you guys to fill in the blank
in a sentence that we're gonna set up.
So it'll go like this. Oh, I'm so hungry, I wish I had a...
Tampon! Okay, but we want...
We want it to be actual food
so that it, like, makes sense with the game.
It's more fun that way. So, uh, let's try it one more time.
Oh, I've got to get home so I can feed my...
Boner!
You know what? Let's just play the game, okay?
All right, so what would you...
Hey, that girl's in my psych class.
Damn, she's hot. Go talk to her.
You come talk to her with me.
Stop being a pussy and go talk to her. Go.
All right, all right.
Coming to the stage, we got...
J. Bohnes, aka...
Hey. Hi.
I think we're in the same psych class.
Oh, yeah. Hi.
Yeah.
"Pills! Pills! Bills! Pills!
"Bills! A sign of the times that rhymes
"Amanda bynes
"drop that raggedy Andy circus
"circle jerkus..."
You guys are the improv guys, right? Yeah.
That's cool.
You're the guy with the terrible suggestions.
Yeah, yeah. You're welcome, man. Yeah.
Thanks, guys. Um, lady j is gonna be up next for you.
Cynthia, that girl who died,
she used to come here all the time, right?
Mmm.
This piece is called areolas.
Did you know her?
Yeah, she lived across the hall from me.
Yeah? So why do you care so much?
I'm... I'm writing a...
"Greedy man hands!"
...a slam poem in her honor.
Early stages, very early stages.
Oh, really? Yeah, yeah.
Wouldn't it be better
just to, like, plan the stuff out ahead of time,
and then not say it in front of people and embarrass yourself?
That's a thing that people do. That's stand-up comedy.
That's probably what you should do,
because that stuff's funny.
"My brown nipple will produce white milk during lactation..."
What do you think of this?
I actually think it's really powerful.
That's cool that you said that,
'cause I actually thought it was really powerful, too,
when the one girl was talking about her nips and shit.
Okay, does anybody have anything they want to share?
Let's see what you got.
Any more poets in the audience?
I... I mean, do you really do poetry?
I do, and I will.
I got somebody. What?
Okay, we got somebody. All right, give it up, guys.
Yeah! Okay.
Just go up there. All right, okay.
Okay. No pressure.
You'll see, it's good. Yeah!
Um...
This is a work in progress.
So, uh...
"Slam poetry!
"Yelling!
"Angry!
"Waving my hands a lot!
"Specific point of view on things
"Cynthia!
"Cynthia
"Jesus died for our sin-thee-uhs
"Jesus cried
"runaway bride
"Julia Roberts!
"Julia rob
"hurts
"Cynthia!
"Cynthia
"you're dead you are dead
"You're dead"
that's for Cynthia, who's dead.
Whoo!
I don't have a single lead.
I do. I hear you can get whyphy on campus anywhere 24/7.
Do you think they mean whyphy the drug
or wi-fi like the Internet?
What...
Fuck you, brain.
How did we find the dealers so easy the first time?
Well, his number was literally on a sticker.
Well, let's go find this guy's sticker.
I don't think this guy does stickers.
Well, we need help. We need to consult an expert.
Yo, dude, you shot him in the dick, dude.
I got him in the dick. Yep.
"Shot him in the dick."
If it isn't Turner and hooch, in the flesh.
Holy shit, you are looking fit.
Hey, you should get some tips from this guy.
He's looking good. Look at those pectoral muscles.
That's the kind of definition I want out of you, man.
What's up, Eric? Hey.
Mr. Walters, we should, um...
Or I should apologize for, uh...
For shooting my penis off?
Yeah. Yeah.
Don't sweat it, brother. I'm liberated. Totally.
You know they gave me a vagina?
It's awesome. You guys want to see it?
No, no, no, no! No, no, no.
That's fine. All right. Eric's seen it.
Eric's been all up in that shit. Isn't that right, Eric?
You guys got to get me the fuck out of here.
Hey, guess what.
I'm Eric's bitch.
No, you're not.
Yes! I am!
I'm your bitch.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, honey.
I didn't mean that. You know that, right?
I am such a bitch when aunt flo shows up.
It bleeds so much, it's crazy.
It's like the elevator doors opening in the shining.
Your vagina doesn't fucking work, man.
Worked for you last night.
You are so clearly forcing Eric into this relationship.
Eric, am I forcing you into anything?
Yes. See?
Look, they sent us in undercover at a college
to find the dealer of this new synthetic,
and no one will tell us anything.
That's 'cause you guys look like fucking narcs, all right?
College kids aren't dumb like Eric.
I was supposed to go to Berkeley.
Well, they gave us a picture, so we do have that.
Well, that's your lead, motherfucker!
That's what you start with.
I know, but we can't see his face, so we don't know who it is.
"We don't know who it is.
"I'm schmidt. My pants are filled with doody."
That's you.
That doesn't sound anything like me.
You sort of sound like that.
That doesn't sound anything like me.
"That doesn't sound anything like me."
It's not not you.
Eric! Close your eyes and tell me who's talking right now.
That's schmidt being a little bitch.
That's just not a good impression.
Whoa!
Nice job, super sleuths.
Did you even bother to look at the fucking picture?
Yeah. Huh?
There's a reflection right here.
Your fucking guy's got a tattoo.
Find the tattoo, find the dealer.
Fuck, man, I don't know. I do a lot of stupid tattoos to drunk kids.
Do you remember that stupid tattoo?
A bazooka?
Think I might have did it on a football player.
Guy with a red mohawk. I don't know.
They all start to look the same to me.
I think I know exactly who he's talking about.
Fuck you!
Fuck you, you little walk-on fuck!
I can't, like, move around in these things.
God, I love walk-on day!
Fuck, yeah.
That's a weird time to be q-tipping.
You're all fucking pussies!
Dude, you don't have to do this. What?
I just don't want you to get hurt. I'm not gonna get...
Whoops.
Shit. Whoa.
Dude, I am so sorry.
It's all right, man. Don't worry about it, man.
Are you sure? All right... Yeah. Ow.
Shit. I got it.
Okay, I got it, I got it.
Ow! That's fine.
I'll get it. No, no, let me get it, let me get it.
No, I got it. Let me just get it. No, let me get it.
I got it, I got it. Let's just...
Dude, I'm sorry. I got my q-tip in your meat, bro.
No, man, I got my... I got my meat in your q-tip.
It's like a whole new type of sandwich.
Like, a meat q-tip.
Like a meat-qute.
That's funny.
Hey, you guys want some of this sandwich?
It's a meat-qute sandwich.
Me and this guy are having a meat-qute.
You're hilarious, dude. What's your name?
Brad. Wait... Brad.
Uh, yeah, yeah, it's Brad.
I'm zook. Nice to meet you. Zook.
Nice to meet you, too, man.
Blue 20!
Set, hut!
You love walk-on day now?
Your arm all right? You want to take that sleeve off?
No, I'm good.
Dude, holy shit, bro. Great fucking catch, dude.
If you see that safety line up that deep, though, hit me quicker.
Oh, yeah, I didn't know you had wheels like that, bro.
It's funny, 'cause he's my brother. So...
Um...
Hey, uh, you know, we have this rush party at zeta.
But I thought, you know, you could come by and meet the guys.
It'd be really fun, I think.
Great. Yeah, maybe we will.
Are you guys, like, together?
Yeah. Yeah, this is my bro.
That's... Funny, dude. You're funny.
Oh.
Uh, really? Wow. Um, okay.
Yeah, man, sure. You, too, you can come, too.
We'll see what we can do.
Also, I said a bunch of stuff earlier
that you didn't acknowledge...
Great catch. Cool, yeah.
See you then. So you won't address that?
What the fuck's up with that guy?
All we have to do now is rush the frat long enough
to confirm that rooster has that bazooka tattoo.
Look, man, do you think it's cool if you come?
'Cause, I mean, he kind of really just asked me.
I just don't want to start off
on the wrong foot with this guy.
Dude, you're tripping. We do everything together.
You should lose the puka shells, though.
Things are different since you didn't go to college.
Yo, Brad! What's up, dude?
Same puka, dude.
You got the same... Puka bros.
Holy shit!
Look at him, it's, like, all the same.
Dude, you wear pants, too?
What? Bros, man. Dude.
I knew we were gonna be connected, just like that.
Yeah, why don't you guys just tie your dicks together
and get married, right, rooster?
Rooster. What's up, bro?
You look good, man.
What's up, rooster?
How you doing, man? Digging the puka.
Thanks, dude. I can't believe it's the same...
How you doing, rooster?
Rooster is getting some pop.
Why don't you go check him out?
- You in the zone, bro? - In the fucking zone, dude.
Hey. What's up?
What's up? I'm rooster.
Oh, yeah, no.
We've met before.
Oh, really? I don't remember that at all.
You must just have a really plain face.
Yeah. They call me ol' plain face.
They call you that?
So, do you have any body art or, like, any ink I could see?
That's a pretty random question.
Hey, anyway, it was so nice chatting with you, man.
Nice to meet you, man.
Yo, what the fuck, bro?
Yo, what the fuck are you doing, dude?
You serious right now? You...
You're being weird.
You've been weird.
It was just like, "what am I hearing?
"What am I hearing right now?"
And the psychic told you that?
Yo. That is so crazy, dude.
Hey, dude, you want to go see the roof?
Fuck yeah, I want to see the roof, dude.
Come on, let's go, let's go. Come on.
Come on to the roof, come on to the roof. Let's go.
Come on, you can do it. Come on, come on, come on!
I miss climbing so much. Come on, let's go. Come on.
All right, uh...
One more time.
I'm just gonna go home.
I don't know parkour, so...
All right.
Hey, Maya angelou!
Poetry, okay. I got it.
Make fun of the poetry major.
So, I guess you have no interest
in having a real job in the future.
Absolutely not. No, right?
What about you?
Um, I'm an art major.
Okay. So you definitely cannot talk any shit, 'cause...
No, I can't. I cannot.
...you're never gonna make any money.
I'm never gonna make any money,
so don't tell my parents, but...
When I talk to your parents tonight,
I will not tell them about your major.
Okay, thank you. You're welcome.
All right, art major.
What do you think about that?
Um, I would say that
it's these two beings
leaning up against each other in perfect balance.
If one were to fall, they would just lose each other.
So it's just about support.
You can't admit that it looks exactly like testicles?
That's exactly what it looks like.
So, is there someone who supports you?
No, I'm just one of those people
that really likes to spend time with myself.
Tell me about it.
I love to be alone. I am, like, the best at it.
I just love when you're sitting there in a room,
and you're just there with your thoughts,
and you're like, "oh, my gosh, I'm alone.
"Would anyone ever love me?" Or whatever.
And, like, "do I know anyone who would care
"if I just ever came out of this room or not?"
Or whatever and, like...
I don't know. It's just peaceful. I just like it.
Yeah.
Well, if you don't want to be alone tonight,
we are gonna go hang out at the art building,
if you want to come.
Okay, okay.
Okay. Okay.
I expected tonight would go in a way that you wouldn't expect,
but what I didn't expect was tonight would go
in the exact way that you would expect.
You know what I mean? Totally.
So you guys hang out here a lot?
Yeah. I mean, we're not into the whole frat party kind of stuff.
We like to sit around, just drink some good wine
and talk about some important stuff.
Banging bitches and getting wasted all fucking day.
Those are, like, two of my favorite things to do.
You are, like, a slightly less attractive version of...
Picasso? Picasso.
Right? I've been told that before.
You read my mind.
What?
Oh, that's Cynthia Watson's room.
Oh.
It's only 2:00. I thought it was late. Do you want to come in?
It's only 2:00? I usually go to dinner at, like, 2:00 A.M., so...
Sure, yeah, why not?
I'm gonna do it. I just got to get it at the right angle.
- Dude, stop. - Stupid fucking goalpost!
It's impossible. You can't fucking do it.
The fans used to rush the field
after every win and tear down the goalposts,
and coach hated it. And so he cemented them in.
They storm the field, and still do it,
but they just bounce around.
Fuck this goalpost, bro!
You guys might want to hold on,
'cause this shit is coming down.
Yo, what is that? The tattoo, what's that right there?
Oh. Oh, this? Mmm-hmm.
It's my old high school team. The plainview red herrings.
Look at it swim.
Shit. What?
Shit, that's a really outside-of-the-box
high school mascot.
Hold on, guys.
Hey, why don't you come to practice today?
I mean, you're obviously good enough to play on the team.
Look, I'm not supposed to be here to play football.
What?
I'm just here to do my assignments
and get out, that's it.
I mean, yeah, school's important or whatever,
but when I was throwing you those passes,
it was like I knew where you were gonna be before you went there.
You know, I had this, like, vision of me
throwing bullet tds to you, dude,
and then all these fans just started going, like...
"Zook! Mcquaid! Zook! Mcquaid!"
And they were chanting and chanting,
and then the goalposts came down.
Dude?
I have had that exact vision, like, my entire life.
Dude. Dude.
Bro? Bro.
Dude. Bro.
Dude.
Like, well, we fucking can, bro.
All you gotta do is join the team.
Yeah. Why not?
Yes!
Fuck yeah, dude. Fuck yeah, dude.
What's that?
My tattoo.
Yeah, fuck, look.
Look, it's me, zook.
Got a fucking bazooka for an arm. Know what I mean?
Dude, I'm so fucking pumped
you're gonna be on this fucking team, bro.
Yep.
What's up with it?
How you doing?
Hi. Good.
How was the, um...
How was the sex for you?
It was fun for me. It was a good time.
Yeah, right.
I enjoyed it.
Yeah.
This is why I don't drink.
Oh.
Hey. How you doing?
I'm fine.
I mean, I'm not listening to you guys fornicate all night long.
Thrusting and pumping.
Okay.
I thought your hip popped out at one point.
I'm just saying, it's, like, all fun and games,
and then you wake up in bed next to a 40-year-old freshman.
I'm 19, so...
Nineteen minutes late to pinochle,
where you're meeting your old friends in the park?
Yeah, that's what I meant.
Oh, my gosh, Maya, look at him.
He's still so sharp. That's so inspiring.
Tell us about the war, any one of them.
You're, like, the loudest climaxer I've ever heard.
It was, like, the sound of, like, a 30-year-old sprinkler
finally going off for the first time.
Okay, well, so lovely talking with you.
You're a lovely person. Hmm.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, my God.
She seems nice.
She's horrible.
God.
She was Cynthia's roommate,
and I felt bad for her, so I told her I would room with her.
So...
So you probably have a bunch of stuff
that you have to do today.
Right? No.
Oh. Okay.
Look, I just want you to know
I'm not, like, a "hit it and quit it" type of fella.
I'm, like, a "hit it,
"continue to hit it both physically and emotionally" kind of guy, so...
Hey, Doug, you're not gonna be weird about this, are you?
No.
I mean, you're cool with just hooking up?
Yeah. I mean, no. I mean, I'm glad you said something.
'Cause I don't even know if I like you when I'm sober.
No, I know, and it's like,
that doesn't even hurt, like, at all.
Okay, so, um...
I'm gonna... I'm gonna split. I'll text you later.
Great, that was great sex. You're good at it.
And I'll text you, three to five minutes or something?
All right.
what the fuck is this?
This is bullshit.
Are you two fucking around at school again?
Hey, we got to pay for this shit.
We need results! No, no, no.
Look, we are looking aggressively
for this very specific tattoo.
Or the tattoo could just be a dead end.
What the fuck? It's the same case!
Do the same thing.
Well, it's not exactly the same case, 'cause
one of us got laid last night.
Schmidt?
Shh.
Don't wake up my dick.
Flew in on the red-eye, hasn't gotten a wink of sleep.
Damn.
We're talking missionary.
We're talking when I'm on top and she's on her back.
She's smart, she's an art major.
She can't be that smart. She's a fucking art major.
Come on.
I will give you some daps, schmidt.
Give me some motherfucking daps, man!
Come on, give me some.
Give me some. Come on!
My human sexuality class is blowing my mind.
Did you know I used gay slurs in high school?
Yes, directed at me.
Dude, I am so sorry for being a homophone.
Are we gonna talk about how weird you were today with dickson?
Look, I don't think the tattoo means what you think it means.
I mean, for all we know, a lot of people could have that tattoo.
This tattoo? This absurdly specific tattoo?
Name one other person who has this.
For starters, zook has it.
Zook has the tattoo?
What the fuck? We've been looking for this tattoo for days!
Do you understand this means zook is the dealer?
I really want you guys to hang out.
We have hung out. He's completely ignored me.
I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to investigate your new bff.
We're gonna put cameras everywhere,
and we're gonna monitor the fuck out of what he's doing.
We can't just walk into zeta house
and just put up a bunch of fucking cameras, okay?
There's dudes there everywhere.
All right, your plan is stupid. I'm sorry.
My plan is stupid? That's interesting. What... okay.
I'm, like, basically done
fucking watching your shit all the fucking time.
Okay, yeah, exactly. I'm the fucking stupid one. Yeah.
Oh, that's really fucking stupid.
Man, it must be hard being so different.
We're exactly the same. It makes everything so much easier.
Guys, can you just give us some space?
We're really trying to figure something out,
and we need to focus, okay?
You're not gonna have trouble focusing, man.
Yeah, man, those krispie treats got mad whyphy in them.
We made a batch for the whole dorm, man.
I've eaten six of these.
- Then you're gonna be real focused. - Be real focused.
In about four hours, you're gonna be tripping.
You're fine. You're gonna be all right, man.
Who sold you whyphy?
Nobody sold it to us.
Yeah, man, Cynthia gave us a butt load,
and in exchange, we wrote her logic paper for her.
All right. All right, man, we'll see you guys later.
Enjoy the food.
Maybe this is a good thing.
let's use that focus to figure out a way to get into zook's house.
You feel anything? No. Do you feel anything?
No, but I have a super high tolerance for...
I'm so focused.
I'm so focused, too.
You don't have to be on top of me.
Yes, I do.
Why? Camouflage.
Go.
Let's go.
No fucking way.
Okay, so no? Dane? All right.
Out, all right.
Bull's-eye. Bingo.
That helmet looks kind of lame.
You know what's not lame?
Safety.
What are you doing?
I'm cutting glass.
It's a laser pointer.
It can't cut glass. What?
That's no fun at all.
I'm so focused. Let's do this.
Give me another. I don't have any more cameras.
You don't need to drill so many holes. Yeah, okay.
Yeah, that one's perfect. Okay, you can do that one.
I don't have any more cameras. I've said it five times.
All right. Okay. That's the last of 'em.
Time to prove that zook's the dealer.
Or not the dealer.
Next up is Brad mcquaid.
Right? Yes.
Yes!
Obviously, right? I mean, the guy's...
The guy's all-time. You guys, let's be honest.
I mean, like, he was opening up beer cans with his eyeballs.
That's so sweet of them.
So Brad... Brad's in.
Uh, Doug mcquaid. No!
He's a bag of dicks!
He's Brad's brother.
He follows him around everywhere,
so I doubt we get Brad without Doug.
That's not true. I have a serious girlfriend.
I got a bad feeling about this guy, dude. Why? Why?
I was talking to him for a second.
He's got a big mouth, okay?
I feel like he could fuck this whole thing up for us.
See, you're fucking this up. You talk way too much.
That guy is harmless, dude. Look at him, he's nice.
He looks like a 30-year-old eighth grader.
He's gonna be fine.
I'm just saying, the kid sucks.
Okay, and Brad. Brad could be, like, our guy.
He could, like, be a part of our thing.
"Our thing"? Yeah.
Shh. I'm trying to hear them be nice about me.
This is fucking bullshit. Shit!
Shit.
Is somebody up there?
Shit. We got to get out of here.
Did you lock the door?
I did, man. I checked twice.
Go, go!
I'm so focused, dude.
Shit.
No, you're just paranoid because we're about to trip balls.
No, I'm paranoid because it could be dangerous.
No, we're fine. Look, we made it.
We made it. It's all good.
Oh, shit!
Help! Help!
What's happening!
What the fuck?
I can't breathe.
They made us!
They're gonna kill us!
Jenko!
Where are you going?
Oh, fuck! I'm having a bad trip! We're having a bad trip!
I think we are tripping, but...
God, isn't this great?
My side's so much scarier than yours.
Oh, shit, your trip sucks.
You should come over here. It's way better.
Okay.
It's some kind of weird split screen!
Hello, football.
Jenko! Jenko!
I finally got my lambo!
Hey, schmidt, look!
Look! Look!
My legs are tired.
Help! No more music!
You'll always be alone.
Hey, jenko. What?
Where are you going?
I'm just gonna go up for a little while, okay?
Stay, stay here.
No, I don't want to stay here. I'm flying. This is amazing.
No. God. Don't go!
Oh, my God.
No!
Stay here! No, no, stop it.
You're dragging me down! Why would you drag me down?
Please stay! I'm flying.
Stay!
Wake up! Get out of the car! Shit.
Get out of the car! Get on the ground!
On your fucking knees!
Get on your knees!
You already know, don't you? What?
Do you have anything to say?
Please don't kill us.
If you don't have anything to fucking say,
open your fucking mouth.
What the fuck?
Is that vodka?
Welcome to zeta, pledges!
Yeah, buddy!
Pledges, tonight, we separate the weak from the strong.
If you don't make it through tonight,
you're dead to all of us.
Rooster,
light the torch!
For zeta!
Drink, motherfucker! Drink, motherfucker!
Look, whatever happens tonight, you have to keep up, okay?
I'm gonna throw up.
I know. Shut up. Go.
Ready? Go!
Here we go, here we go.
One, two, three, four, five...
I can't do it anymore! I can't do it anymore!
Twenty's the record!
Thirty-three, 34...
...67...
You can do this, you can do this.
I can't. This is disgusting.
No, you got to. I can't do this anymore!
And now, for my favorite event.
Fuck this. I'm not doing this.
I'm not doing it. What are... no!
I'm not doing this, okay? All right?
Hey!
Schmidt! What the fuck, man?
What is your problem? You said you wanted to stick together.
This is what we have to do to win their trust.
This is supposed to be fun. It's just drinking and bonding games.
It's fun.
It's fun for you. It's not fun for me.
I don't know. Maybe we should just...
Maybe we should just investigate different people.
Did you really just say that?
Did you really just say that you want to investigate other people?
That's what you want?
I don't know, maybe.
Maybe we should just... We should just branch out.
Okay, just sow our oats a little.
Sow our cop oats.
Look, I have an in with zook.
We have a thing and it's good, and...
I don't know, maybe I should just stay closer to him.
And you should do your thing
with your connections and channels
with Cynthia's roommate.
You should see if she knows who sold her drugs.
I just... I just don't...
I don't like the idea of us doing stuff separately.
No, look, we can still investigate
together.
It's just, you know, now it'll be an open thing.
You want an open investigation?
I don't know if that's what I want.
All right? I just think it's healthy right now for us to try it.
Okay.
Yeah? Sure.
Okay, so I guess I'll just catch you later, then.
You okay?
No, you can't hug me right now.
Do you need money for a cab or anything?
No, I don't need money for a cab.
Okay.
I don't know where the fuck I am right now.
Hey, Lauren.
I just want to get in bed and watch friends all day.
Let's hear it for your metropolitan city state statesmen!
And the statesmen take the field
for the opening game against the university of college generals.
Ready?
And a surprise start today
for walk-on freshman Brad mcquaid.
Looks pretty old to be a freshman.
It's the hormones in the milk, Bob.
Ready? Set, hut!
Haythe drops back.
And connects with mcquaid!
Who beats safety will glock like an egg white in my famous meringue recipe.
Holy shit, he's good.
None of you tell mcquaid that he's good, all right?
If you do, he'll leave this shitty program.
And as the clock ticks down, we've got time for one last play.
Another perfect hookup between haythe and mcquaid.
Even their end zone celebration is in perfect sync.
It's like these two share a single brain, Bob.
That's right, Jim. They both have one half a brain.
And the crowd rushes the field
to try and knock down a goalpost.
It's not coming down!
Good luck, guys.
Looks like mc state's got a new power couple.
Zook and mcquaid!
I got to get around you, man.
I can't jump up. I got a broken ankle.
Yeah!
Fuck yes!
Yeah! One more!
Shit.
Who is that?
Nothing. All right, ready?
Come on!
Focus!
Come on! Do it!
Fuck you, Arnold Schwarzenegger!
I'm so jammed! Fuck you!
There's a sock on the door! Don't come in!
Fuck, yeah!
I'm having sex with a human woman.
My God! Fuck!
Hey! Look at you!
What are you guys doing here?
What? Are you kidding? It's parents weekend.
Fuck.
Wonderful. You're dating someone.
Thanks, mom. Listen, we're undercover, okay?
Thank you. No problem.
Doug!
Maya!
Hey. Hi.
These are my parents.
So this is the girl?
Hi. I'm Annie. I'm your new mother-in-law.
Nice to meet you. Worst thing to say.
Hi. Hey. David.
My dad. Nice to meet you.
Well, my parents are here, too.
Maya, hurry up!
Your mama done found a table she want.
How do you know this person?
Dad, this is Doug, a guy that I'm dating.
The fuck? I...
How's your classes going, Doug?
You... we were just in the neighborhood, and...
I have an idea. Why don't we all sit together?
Would that be fun?
Yes, thank you.
So...
Do you like weather?
You two know each other?
No.
This is crazy, all these, uh,
students and parents.
Potential witnesses.
How did you two meet?
Oh, I love meet-cute stories.
We met at a poetry slam,
and then he stalked me back to my dorm room.
Stalked her? Oh, that's so beautiful.
Then what happened?
And then we hung out and we watched a movie.
Actually, we watched it a couple times.
This is bullshit!
This fucking... waiter!
What can a black man do to get some water around here?
Give the fucking guy some water!
He's black! He's been through a lot!
For the sake of your daughter, please keep it together.
I'm gonna need a motherfucking crepe before I go crazy.
I'll be right back.
So, where are you from originally?
I'm straight outta Compton,
but my husband's from northridge.
Come on, man, hook me up.
What the fuck y'all doing? Y'all rationing around here?
Come on, hook me up. Two little fucking string beans?
Give me the goddamn string beans.
I want some fucking deviled eggs.
I like fruit. Don't you like fruit?
I like fruit.
But this pork shit? Got to go!
He's really taking it out on the omelet bar.
Shit was nasty!
He's under a lot of pressure at work.
What's up, playa? Want to go to the movies?
I'll break your motherfucking legs! Break your legs!
What?
How you doing, Mr. Nice plant? Get your fucking ass in there.
Hey, you want another beer? I'm gonna get another beer.
Yeah, yeah, I'll do another.
Hey, look, man,
you know you can always tell me something
if you want to get it off your chest.
You know I'm always here for you, right?
What are you trying to say?
No, nothing.
All right, with everything that happened
with Cynthia and whyphy,
I just don't want you to screw up.
You don't think I know what I'm doing?
What? I know exactly what I'm doing here.
I'm gonna tell you something, all right?
Can I trust you? Yeah, of course.
I have a friend who knows a guy at umc.
He's a scout. It's d-I.
Their qb, he's not playing well.
They're not happy with the situation.
They want me to make a tape.
And I want you to be on it with me.
Nothing else?
They had five guys in the draft last year.
I mean, Brad, this could be our shot.
We're like the dynamic duo, bro.
We're like Batman and Robin.
But we're both Batman.
What do you want to be, like, a stockbroker?
Or a cop?
Dude, your ceiling is, like,
so high.
You can just bust right...
Just break right through it. Right through it.
Right through it. Right through it.
You really think I could make it at umc?
Dude, you could make it into the hall of fame.
No, dude, come on, that's you.
You're gonna be in, like, the anals of football history.
Dude, you could make it into the anals of football history, too.
We're gonna have to tear those anals up.
All right. We're gonna fucking tear it up.
I mean, it's just a tape, right?
I fucking hate my dad so much.
Do you have any idea
what it's like to have a guy like that
telling you what to do all the time?
I can only imagine.
I just don't understand what his problem is with you specifically.
I don't... Jesus. That makes no sense to me.
I mean, you are a perfectly good guy.
You're very honest and nice.
Why does my dad have your phone number?
I don't know. Maybe the school directory or something.
Let's do something...
Let's do something that would distract us.
Okay.
So we don't have to think about him anymore.
Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.
All right. Um...
Maya.
Is it okay if we just talk?
Okay.
Let's talk.
No way. Yeah.
I was Peter Pan, but then I was, like, late.
You're really close with your brother, then.
It seems like. Yeah.
Yeah, you know...
You're a fucking genius, dude.
Are you sure it's not too much, though? No!
Yeah! Fuck, yeah!
All right? All right? Yeah. Yeah.
All night, bro. Come on. All night. Yeah, I know.
It's gonna be so worth it, dude.
It's gonna be fucking worth it, I promise, all right?
Dude, you know what this needs?
Another star wipe.
Jinx. Buy me a beer.
Nice twist.
On what?
I can't believe we've been talking all night.
Oh, my God, it's 8:00. I have class, actually.
Okay. I...
Yeah, you can help yourself to whatever you need, and...
All right.
Yeah, I'm so sorry, this...
I'll see you.
I'll see you later.
Okay. Best night ever.
Okay. Bye.
Bye.
How long have you been there?
Like, the longest amount of time you could think of right now.
This stuff wasn't meant for you.
It was meant to be private.
So, am I supposed to just sit here and not act like
I hear every one of your problems?
You got 99 problems, but being young isn't one.
You're just jealous because Maya and I have a real connection.
I'm pretty close with my grandpa, too.
You're more messed up than Cynthia was,
and she went to the school shrink three times a week.
Why? I don't know.
But he gave her a ton of pills and shit.
Maybe he could give you something for your weird old face.
Okay.
Hey. You're late.
No, actually, I was busy with the investigation.
This is Cynthia's therapist's office. This is our investigation.
All right.
Watch the door.
Oh, is that all I'm good for? Just watching a fucking door?
Got it.
"Patient exhibits drug-induced paranoia.
"Believes her life is in danger."
Uh, door, door.
Hey.
I wasn't told that I had a 9:00 A.M. session.
Yeah, no, we're your 9:00 A.M. that's us.
And we're cured.
Thank you very much. You're an amazing doctor.
Please. You think you're the first partners
only to try to run when you're first faced with talking with me?
How the fuck did you know we were partners?
He doesn't know we're partners.
I suspect you're partners.
A relationship is something that requires constant work.
Which is what I thought we learned in high school.
So you are high school sweethearts.
I picked up on that early.
Please, continue the dialogue.
Doc.
I just feel like sometimes
he's not even trying anymore.
Like this isn't even worth saving.
Oh, okay. Well, sometimes I feel like
that we should be more like the yangs.
Or maybe I should be more like your beautiful zook.
Oh, go fuck yourself! You go fuck yourself.
Okay. You're so selfish.
All right. That's a lot of fucking. Oh, my God.
Sometimes I like to have the participants make physical contact.
Why don't you hold hands?
Okay. I'm not doing that.
Hmm? Do you see?
Reach out your hand.
I'm...
He's literally reaching out for you.
He won't hold my hand.
I'm not doing it.
I kind of need you to do it.
He won't hold my hand. Oh, you...
You got to interlock it, though.
If you don't interlock it, it's not hand-holding.
Fine.
We might as well just be friends
and not partners.
Nice, right?
Okay, you see this? This is strong.
What I want to be able to have is this.
Is this...
I want to be able to have that, that same thing, in, like
without actually having to do it.
Are you embarrassed of your partner?
No, not at all. Okay?
And why the fuck are you guys ganging up on me?
Gang up on him. Okay, seriously.
Okay, okay. He's clingy.
He literally is terrified of being by himself.
Look, I know zook's your buddy
and you don't want him to be guilty,
but he's our guy.
No, he's actually not our guy. I would know.
Now, you know, we sometimes cling to things
because they're familiar and comfortable.
I teach about a principle called embedding.
Look at the facts. Matter of fact, I...
Zook has the tattoo. He knew Cynthia.
I know the first time he met you,
you dropped a fucking sandwich on his foot
and he smiled at you,
but you are completely blind to the fact...
What'd you say embedding was? Embedding?
Oh, embedding is our tendency to latch on to
the first bit of information that we're offered
and overlooking, or even ignoring, contradictory information.
It's a fascinating principle...
Shut up. I'm thinking.
You think it's possible that
we embedded?
What, like when we were drunk or something?
We embedded each other? Okay. I'm gonna recommend...
Okay, you can leave the room.
Just get the fuck out.
Get the fuck out. You heard him.
This took a turn.
One, two...
Okay. Yep. Good session.
The first time we saw the photo
of Cynthia buying whyphy,
dickson said, "this guy's the dealer."
Everything we've done and thought has been based on that fact,
but what if dickson was wrong?
And we've ignored all the other clues.
What if Cynthia wasn't the buyer?
What if Cynthia was the dealer?
Captain, we have something really, really important to tell you about.
Captain?
Are you wearing kevlar?
Now, gentlemen, we're not gonna sit here and pretend
there's not a big-ass elephant in the room.
What the fuck is going on?
This is what the fuck is going on.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Oh, shit! No!
That is not happening right now! No!
Hey, y'all, he's fucking the captain's daughter! Yo!
Every time he say that shit...
Oh, my fuck!
...that's another foot in your ass.
Schmidt, you clearly... Yo, this is the best thing ever!
Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!
Schmidt上了队长的女儿!
Shit! Fuck! 我去! 太牛了!
You fucked captain Dickson's daughter? 你居然和Dickson队长的女儿上床了?
Captain, what the... 队长 这实在...
You bragged to him to his face. 你居然在队长面前炫耀此事
To his actual face. Captain... 活生生打脸啊 队长...
Do you understand that this face right here, you bragged to that face? 就这张老脸 你在他面前炫耀干他女儿?
You actually high-fived Schmidt for fucking your daughter. 而干了你女儿 你和他还击掌庆祝
Holy shit! 我了个大去!
Oh, my God! This is... 天呐! 这实在是太...
It's really not that funny. 呃 并不是那么有趣
I just want to say that 我只是感到纳闷
it was bizarre not to share the fact 为啥你没有和我们透露过
that your daughter went to MC state. 你女儿在这儿上学的情报
I think it's bizarre 我也很郁闷
that I haven't cut your motherfucking nuts off. 为啥我还没把你这畜生给阉了
What if captain gets to punch you in the face one time, 要不这样吧 让队长打你一拳解气
really, really, really hard? 很重 很重的一拳怎么样?
Nah. 不
I got something way better than that. 我有个让你欲仙欲死的点子了
You think Cynthia was the dealer? 你认为Cynthia才是卖毒的?
How the fuck we gonna infiltrate the dealer if the dealer is dead? 那我们如何从一个死人那里获得情报呢?
We have to stop treating this 我们这次的行动
like it's exactly the same as last time. 不能照搬以前的策略了
And we got a bigger problem. No more money in the budget. 而且还有更严重的 我没部门预算用光了
What? I thought we had Cate Blanchett. 啥? 我以为咱只要"章子怡"盖
Cate Blanchett? "章子怡"盖?
Yeah, I thought we had Cate Blanchett with the budget. 对啊 "章子怡"盖 上面就给钱
You mean "carte blanche." "章子一盖 上面就同意"
That one. 没错
Welcome back, dum-dum. 欢迎回来 你个笨蛋
We did have carte blanche. Not no more. 以前是这样 但现在不行了
You got that expensive chase in the beginning, 电影一开始你们就跑去追捕 赔了一大笔钱
that expensive equipment, this fucking office... 又买了很多高级设备 还有这个办公室...
This look like some shit iron man would have. Shit's expensive! 这他妈的就像钢铁侠住的地方 贵的要死!
I got on $800 shoes, and you can't even see the motherfuckers. 我的鞋子花了我800刀 你俩瞎了眼的连看都看不见
So now you two motherfuckers is in the crosshairs. 所以你俩混蛋现在被我盯上了
I'm warning you, 我警告你
find the supplier, 找到货源
but don't cost the department no more money. 但别给部门带来任何支出了
Look, I apologize about the Zook thing. 喂 我对于以前怀疑Zook很抱歉
You were right, he's not the dealer. 你是对的 他并不是卖毒的
Okay, great. You apologized. 不错 你道歉了
What's that worth, man? 不过那有什么用呢?
Now we have no leads. What are we supposed to do now? 我们现在又没线索了 我们现在该做什么呢?
Police work. 警察的工作
Fuck. 该死
Don't throw a fucking dead person's dildo at me. 别拿死人自慰的工具砸我
We're at work right now, okay? 我们正在干正经事呢 明白?
Kids don't check out books anymore, right? 年轻人现在很少看书了 对吧?
I don't even think they know how to read. 我觉得他们都不会看书了
- Library. - Book place. - 图书馆 - 书店
Library. 是图书馆
The supplier is putting drugs 供货人把毒品藏在
inside the books in the library, 图书馆的书籍里面
where literally no one goes anymore, man. 图书馆基本上没有学生会去的
And the dealers check out the books. 卖毒的只需要去图书馆拿货
We're going to catch the supplier. 那我们去逮那供货的
- Do you realize how cool... - Wait, one sec, one sec. - 你意识到这会有多牛... - 等下 等我一会
What's up, dude? 什么事 兄弟?
Hey, dude, where are you? 嘿 你在哪?
We're warming up. The game's about to start. 我们在热身 比赛就快开始了
All right, man. Um, look, I'm just gonna... 好吧 嗯 我现在正在...
I'm coming. 我来了
All right, later. 好的 过会见
What are you doing? Don't leave me hanging. 你在干什么? 别扔下我一个人
Dude, I got to go or I'm gonna blow my cover, okay? 伙计 我必须去 要不然我卧底就暴露了
You can do this alone. I'll be back in two hours. 你自己也行的 咱两小时后见
You got this. 你行的
You scared me. 你真吓到我了
State name! Number! State name! Number! 州名! 代号! 州名! 代号!
Color! Color! Number! 颜色! 颜色! 代号!
This is the place. 就是这儿
You'd think if somebody wants to show us their operation, 你是不是认为如果有人让我看货
they'd at least be on time. 至少会准时到的
Look at this crap. Huh? 瞧这卖的什么垃圾?
- I do miss the days... - Shit. - 我确实很怀念从前... - 该死
- What's he doing here? - When people did normal drugs. - 他在这儿干嘛? - 那是人们磕一般的毒品
短信: Ghost在这儿
What is this? Jelly beans? 这算什么? 胶质软糖?
Crap! 垃圾!
Set, hut! 准备 开始!
Mcquaid crosses in an end-around. Mcquaid玩了一个边卫迂回
It's a trick play! These two are practically interchangeable. 很有迷惑性! 这两个人打的位置可以互换的
Mcquaid throws down the field to Haythe. Mcquaid把球传给了Haythe
And he hangs on for the touchdown! 他会触地得分!
These two are peas in a pod, Bob, 这俩人真是天生的好搭档 Bob
but instead of little green balls, 当然了 不仅是一对好基友
they are human football players. 而且是天生的橄榄球选手
Let's hear it once again, MC state, for your dynamic duo. 再次听到你们的欢呼吧 MC state 为了你们绝佳的二人组
Oh, shit. My brother needs me again. 该死 我兄弟他需要我
Look, you know, loyalty's cool, 瞧 你知道 对人忠诚是好事
and I admire it, 我很欣赏你这点
and I know he's your brother. 我也知道他是你兄弟
But you can't allow yourself to be held down by a guy 但你不能因为他总依赖你
just because he won't let go. 而拖累了你自己
Yeah. Um...
I gotta take a piss.
The kid's pretty rude to make us wait like this.
Can you shut it?
What's wrong with those classic drugs from the '90s?
Heroin, you know, cocaine...
Hey, hey. Whoa. Shit.
I'm fucking here. You happy? Shh!
The ghost is right there, okay?
He's about to meet up with the supplier.
- Hey. Check that out. - You shush.
You're the one fucking talking. You're being so fucking loud.
You shut the fuck up.
- What's going on here? - Shit!
Um...
You're interrupting a really stellar blow job.
Oh, fuck, I just came so hard!
What the hell is going on?
It's okay. It's just a couple of faggots.
Hey, yo, what the fuck did you just say?
Did you just call us "faggots"?
He said you were sucking his dick.
It's 2014, asshole.
You can't fucking use "faggot."
"Gay" is okay. "Homosexual," maybe.
And if you know the person, you might be able to call them a "queer."
If they have a great sense of humor, but I don't.
I'm sorry, he took one human sexuality class,
he thinks he's Harvey milk.
Oh, my God. Will you please,
just for once, just back me up?
Why can't you just use your head for once?
Oh. You want me to use my head? Fine.
Oh, yeah, what's up now, motherfuckers?
You remember me?
I'm your best night...
I'm your worst nightmare.
Oh, man, it's my memory.
It's getting worse lately.
Are you the police?
Yeah, that's right. And you motherfuckers are all under arrest.
Where's your gun?
What? Do you have guns?
No.
No, I don't.
'Cause we have guns.
Well, why don't you put your guns down, and let's fight like men?
Because we have guns.
Schmidt, run! Get him!
Go! Go, go. Go!
Shit!
How hard can it be? Shoot them!
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Shoot them! Shoot them!
Come on, this way, it's faster.
No, just come this... Schmidt! Schmidt!
Hurry up, okay?
Schmidt, will you hurry up!
Stop yelling at me! You're distracting me!
Schmidt, come on! Let's go!
I can't jump down! I'm not, like, fucking spider-man!
I'm gonna get the car.
Stairs are so much faster.
That's the car you got?
I'm sorry it's not a fucking lambo. Shut up and get in.
Are they even still chasing us?
Yes, they're still chasing us!
Why did you do that? We were about to catch the supplier.
What's wrong with you?
Look, if you don't say something,
people will never stop discriminating.
Will you please do something
about how slow this thing's going?
Oh, shit! Watch out, watch out!
That is just like a little helmet machine.
We can't destroy any more stuff!
We can't waste any more of the department's money!
Watch out for that cash machine!
Whoo!
Which way? Which way? Which way?
Whichever way's cheaper!
Right? You went right?
You could've gone in a parking lot,
you went to the sculpture garden?
Do you know how expensive that's gonna be?
Shit!
It's like they're trying to hit 'em or something.
I mean, it looks cool,
but, I mean, it's just so wasteful.
They're destroying everything!
Captain's gonna kill us!
What are we gonna do?
All right, we're gonna lose 'em in the robotics lab.
What?
Oh, no! Oh, we broke everything!
There was a lot of expensive stuff in there!
Oh, shit!
They're going into the stadium!
Listen, schmidt, I gotta tell you something.
I got offered a scholarship
to play football here next year.
And zook said I could room with him, you know,
so I was thinking that I could do that, maybe.
What? You can't be a cop
and stay here and play football with zook.
No, look, I know, okay? It's just...
There's no friction with me and zook. We're the same.
Do you want out? If you want out, just say it.
No, I don't want out, okay?
It's just, when I'm on the football field
and I'm diving for a pass, I feel like I can fly.
All right? And when I'm with you,
it just feels like you hold me down.
I just wish you could fly with me.
And the statesmen win, 34-14.
And there go the fans onto the field.
Jenko!
Jesus Christ!
Dude, the brakes are out. What?
Get the fuck out of the way!
You gotta jump. You gotta jump, jump, jump!
No.
Fuck!
Let's go, boss. We gotta go.
You did it! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
You're under arrest, sir.
Hey, I'm an officer, all right?
Just take me in. I'll explain later.
No, no, no. Hey, he's a student. He didn't do anything.
Wait, wait. What are you doing? What are you doing?
I, um...
I decided for you.
Just stick with football.
I can't give you the same feeling that these guys can.
Maybe we were only supposed to do this once.
What?
Dude, this is the fucking best moment of my life!
Let's go, man!
Mcquaid! Mcquaid! Mcquaid!
Hey, Maya angelou.
Thanks for lying to me.
Aw.
Lam-bros! Yes!
Brad mcquaid! Brad mcquaid!
Brad mcquaid! Brad...
How are we doing tonight, sir? Good, thanks.
Are we waiting on anybody or you dining alone?
Someone may swing by, but we can...
We can order without them.
We have identified and arrested one Dr. Karl Murphy,
who was found with whyphy residue throughout his office...
...and had a close personal relationship with the deceased.
Exactly like a case we had recently at a high school.
Exactly the same.
The case is closed.
You know, like, what you're gonna do after you're out of here?
You're not supposed to throw rocks.
What?
You're not supposed to throw rocks.
# I ain't missing you at all
# since you've been gone away
the lobster for one person.
Enough for one person only.
# No matter what my friends say
I found something in this whyphy case that caught my attention.
Get the fuck out of my office.
Sir, you don't... We caught the guy.
Yeah! Yeah!
Hey, you want to do anything else other than work out today?
Like what?
Come on, dude. They're just lobsters, dude.
Come on. No, don't be afraid.
It's gonna claw your face. It's gonna claw your face.
It's gonna be like this, dude, for the rest of our lives.
# down this long distance line tonight
# I ain't missing you at all
# since you've been gone away
# I ain't missing you
# no matter what my friends say
# ain't missing you #
hey. Hey.
What are you doing here?
Just came to see how you are.
I'm doing fucking great.
I'm the happiest I've ever been,
so I'm just having a great time with myself.
I'm glad you're having a good time with yourself.
I'm a solo artist now, like Beyonce.
I used to have the other destiny's children, but now I'm just, uh,
a lone superstar.
Happy for you.
Just a light-skinned princess with a dream and an amazing voice.
That's great.
How are you?
I'm pretty great.
I just chill and... You know how chill zook is.
Zook's such a chill guy.
Just like ice.
That makes me so happy for you.
So, look, I just wanted to say that, like,
I was thinking about the case,
and I was worried that they got the wrong guy for it.
I don't think he's the guy, either.
Yeah?
I looked into the ghost's background,
and I saw that he pays tuition for a student at mc state.
You think the ghost could be the supplier's dad?
Maybe.
Okay, that's a pretty good piece of information.
Thank you.
Well, I heard whyphy's coming back in a big way.
Someone's bringing a shit-ton of that stuff
down to puerto, Mexico, for spring break.
And if that happens, whyphy is going viral.
It's gonna be at every college in the country.
I think my information was stronger.
Look, if you... If you want to,
we could go down there.
Like together?
We don't have to put a label on it.
Just, like, one-time. One-time thing.
No big commitment or stress to each other.
What about school and football and your wonderful new life?
I have time off.
I'm on spring break.
Cool tingling.
Got room for one of these babies.
A grenade. Why you gonna put it there?
That's just unsanitary.
Feels right.
Missed a spot.
You know this is just a one-time thing, right?
I know.
So you're not gonna be weird about this?
Okay.
Perfect.
Spring break, motherfucker.
Did you not see that I was going first? Excuse you.
Excuse you. You want to go first?
Spring break, motherfuckers!
# I be divin' in the crowd
# shake my dreads, actin' wild
# can't do lean, too blowed out
# too turnt up, I can't turn down
# can't turn down can't turn down
# can't turn down
hey.
# All I wanna do is party
# my head keep on spinning around
# baby girl, why don't you first
# drop it to the ground
# I be divin' in the crowd
# shake my dreads, actin' wild
# can't do lean, too blowed out
# too turnt up, I can't turn down
# can't turn down can't turn down
# can't turn down can't turn down #
my gosh! I'm sweaty.
You guys are actually eating stuff in here?
That's so crazy.
Come on, man, put your dick away.
Put your fucking dick away.
Upstairs, upstairs. Let's go.
Okay, so here's the plan.
We're gonna get all these kids at spring break hooked on whyphy.
Then you're gonna bring it back to your turf,
and you're gonna sell the shit out of it.
"Sell shit out of it." Do you see that?
And if you rat me out, I framed my psych prof just for giving me a b-minus.
He's in jail now, so don't fuck with me.
We're gonna build a nationwide network.
What? What the fuck are you doing? Be quiet.
Why don't you sell those old classic drugs
from the '90s, like cocaine, heroin and...
Dad, those are, like, old-people drugs.
That's, like, what they did on the golden girls.
Like, blanche did heroin.
All right, I'll just sit here and be silent.
Blanche never did heroin.
Okay, so, yangs, you'll take my dead roommate's spot.
Cool. Dope.
Are you kidding me, yangs? Are you fucking high?
Of course. Yeah, I am.
Jesus Christ, have you ever heard of,
"don't get high on your own supply"?
We didn't. Nah.
I didn't do that.
Yeah, I used his and he used mine.
Okay, well, now I have to make a fucking example out of you.
That's a gun. Yeah.
Who first?
You want to go first? I don't want to die.
You die... I don't want to die.
You want to do rock paper scissors? Rock paper scissors?
That's how we'll do it. That's how we'll do it.
Fuck.
Yeah, we won't figure this out.
- I'll shoot both of you. - Darling.
If you're going into the family business,
you will have to have a clean record.
That's why we have these guys to do it for us.
Oh, fuck. Jinx.
We got to move right now.
Buy me a coke in heaven. Jinx again.
Put your guns down! Fucking guns down!
Doug?
My name's not Doug, it's schmidt.
And guess what, we're cops. Boom.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, everybody knows. Really?
You guys look like the stars of a cop show called Hawaiian dads.
All right, enough is enough. Boys, move in!
- Oh, do we have company? - Yeah!
Drop your guns. Drop yours first.
We have way more guns than you. Drop your fucking guns.
Okay, that's a good point.
Wow.
I mean, was this really your entire plan?
Coming in here with no backup?
Or maybe we had a far more elaborate plan. Mmm-hmm.
Maybe my partner has a tracking device in his pocket right now.
May... what?
You had the fucking tracking device. I don't have it.
That's the one fucking thing you were supposed to remember.
You're the smart person. You do the tracking device shit.
That's your domain. I do the physical shit.
You know what, I may drag you down sometimes,
but every possible time you can do something dumb,
you do the dumbest possible thing.
No, the fucking dumbest possible thing
is letting two cops blah-blah-blah
while other cops are getting in position to bust their shit in.
Oh, so you mean I brought the tracking device.
Yeah. What's up now, huh?
That seemed like such a real argument.
That's improv, bitch.
Move!
Spring break yourself, fool.
We shoot dicks off here in jump street.
We're here, as well.
We jump street, and we about to jump in yo' ass.
Right in the crack.
Don't do it, leatherface.
He's got the drugs!
This is so boring. No one's getting shot.
Oh, my God.
Did you just get shot, like, right after I fucking said that?
Can I have your gun? It's bigger.
Stop! I'll shoot you in the ass!
Dad!
Maya?
What are you doing here?
This is a shoot-out.
You know what happens in a shoot-out.
They always kidnap the girl.
Not always.
Mercedes? You're coming with me.
Bitch, please. I ain't going nowhere with you.
Now.
Dad, what do I do?
Is that my bathing suit?
Just ask. It's polite.
You shot me in my foot! Wait!
Move! Move faster now!
I'm taking my time. Shit, you shot me in my goddamn foot.
Doug? Doug!
Maya!
Mercedes just took my dad that way!
Okay, we're on it.
If I die, I'm gonna kill both of you motherfuckers!
Fuck. How are we gonna catch him now?
Lambo.
Policia! Policia! Fuck off.
Shit, there's ghost!
What? What do we do?
Uh, we need to split up.
Are you okay with that?
Yeah, I can do it.
Are you sure?
I need to drive, 'cause you're faster on foot.
What? I don't get to drive the lambo?
No, you don't. Come on, let's go!
But I want... Who gives a shit about the lambo? Just go!
Let go of the fucking keys! I can't let 'em go.
You're gonna have to take 'em.
Take care of her, okay? It'll be glorious, I promise.
How do you drive this thing?
You got to let her drive you, bro.
I can't get in.
Hey!
Look where you're going!
It's so confusing!
Easy, bitch. My hands are hurting.
Whoa!
You know who's behind us in that car?
That's one of the best drivers that we got.
Fuck!
Oh, shit.
Fucking complicated. What is this?
Holy shit!
You fucked up me driving a lamborghini, you dick!
Fuck you, doves!
Puerto, Mexico, let's hear you get crazy!
It's like a Batmobile.
Come on, schmidt!
Old man coming through!
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
Brad! Spring break!
Look, I can't, all right?
Dude, I got to go. I got to go.
This is quite enough.
You need to let me go and drop all this.
Get out of the way!
Tokyo drift!
That was way too fast and pretty...
Way too... A little bit too furious.
Schmidt! Get over here! I'm handcuffed!
Give it up, asshole! And nice parking job!
Fuck! I'll be right back.
I gotta go. I'll be right back. Sorry.
That's a direct order, motherfucker! Come over here!
You are so old and weak!
Drop the fucking gun! Seriously!
Get your wrinkly hands off me!
Where the hell have you been?
Looking for you.
I've been running like crazy!
Hey! Hey.
Want to fight like a man?
Then you better fight like two men.
Hey. Hey.
Really? More twins?
Get up, old man river!
Come on! Hey.
Get up and hit me, you fucking pussy!
I'm not gonna fight a girl, so just stop!
It shouldn't matter.
If you thought of me as a person instead of a woman,
you would hit me and not feel bad about it.
Okay. Bring it!
I'm ready.
It's on now, dawg.
Girl fight.
Oh. Oh. Oh, my God.
Is there blood in my eye? Oh, my God. Are you all right?
I think there's blood in my eye.
Fucking learn how to hit!
That's a little better!
That's a little better, motherfucker! Come on! Come on!
No! No! What?
What were you doing? What am I doing?
Why'd you try to kiss me?
I didn't fucking try and kiss you!
Yes, you did. Ooh, you're so weird!
You're fucking Mr. And Mrs. Smith-ing me.
I'm not Mr. And Mrs. Smith-ing you.
This wasn't a sexy fight.
Oh, like you haven't wanted to kiss me the whole time.
I never once wanted to kiss you!
Never! No!
You just did it again! Stop it! Stop!
You're making a face that is sexy!
I don't even want to kiss you!
Then stop trying!
You keep trying!
I've never tried to kiss you.
You gave me "kiss me" eyes.
No, I didn't.
The eyes were "I just got punched in the face" eyes.
They weren't "kiss me" eyes.
I don't even like you!
Neither do I, so stop kissing me!
Okay!
No! You're leaning in again!
I didn't know if we were gonna punch or kiss!
You're making this so uncomfortable.
This is the most uncomfortable fistfight I've ever been in.
I'm gonna give you an out by punching you in the face.
Okay? Okay.
And then we're gonna go back to fighting
and we'll pretend this never happened,
'cause I feel so awkward.
I want to see you get crazy!
Whoo!
I fucking hate spring break!
Fuck!
Ow!
Are you kidding me? It's plastic.
Doesn't even hurt! Okay...
This isn't the spring break you imagined?
How about this? You want a little fun?
What is that?
Get wet, baby!
So much lube in my face!
Oh.
Lube on my face.
You're so violent!
Get off me unless you're gonna fuck me!
I'm not gonna fuck you!
Are we gonna fuck? No, we're not!
Is that what's happening?
No! I'm not gonna fuck you, ever!
Get off!
Hey!
What? What are you gonna do?
Choke me with your liver-spotted hands?
You gonna push me over with your Walker?
I'm impressed you caught up to me.
You probably haven't run that fast
since you played stickball in the field
behind old pop wiggleby's sweet shop.
Freeze, bitch. Oh, thank God.
Look who got off the motherfucking leash.
- Now who's the damsel in distress? - Fuck!
Well, I guess it's him.
I don't have a clean shot, schmidt.
Then don't take the shot!
Maybe I want to take a dirty shot.
Kind of like the dirty shot you took on my daughter.
I didn't take a dirty shot on your daughter, okay?
We talked a lot, and we care about each other.
All the good qualities you have,
I can feel inside of Maya.
I'm gonna take the shot.
Don't take the shot.
I can shoot right through your shoulder,
hit the bitch right in the chest.
Don't take the shot. I'm taking the shot.
I'll take the fucking shot.
Nobody take the shot before me.
How about we take it at the same time? No one take a shot.
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Shit! You have the right to remain silent...
No, no, no, I got this.
You go handle the ghost. He's on the roof.
I'm on it. I got it.
What you looking at? Oh!
Good job on the cuffs, baby girl.
So many fucking stairs.
It's me! It's me! Shit.
You made it, dude. Did you get Mercedes?
Yeah. All by myself.
Really?
Mainly by myself. Okay.
And, dude, you were right, that lambo...
Just can't hear that right now.
It's a shitty-made car. It's not good.
Hey, let's go. We got to go.
How many bullets you got left?
None.
Act like you have bullets, then.
We gotta go!
We have to wait for pudding!
Jenko!
Go, go!
Here, take this. Okay.
I tried to take a bullet for you, man.
Yeah. But you didn't.
But I tried. It's the thought that matters.
No, it's not the thought that counts.
It's fucking taking the bullet.
Cover me. I'm gonna go long.
Okay.
Bye-bye, Terminator!
Hey! Get off of my chopper!
Can you shake him off?
I'm coming for you, motherfucker!
Come on, just wiggle the stick back and forth!
He's only got one arm!
I only need one arm to punch you in the dick.
Shake him off! Shake him off!
Don't be a pussy!
Holy shit!
I did it!
I look so fucking badass!
Oh, my God, you flew!
This is crazy!
You made the leap, man!
Why'd you do that?
'Cause you did it!
I couldn't leave you hanging, man!
What are you talking about? I was fine. I had it.
You weren't...
I got you! Shit! Schmidt!
I got you!
You saved my life!
I just realized something.
You don't hold me down, man.
You lift me up.
Literally and figuratively.
Yeah, I know. I meant both.
You don't drag me down, either, man.
I mean, except right now.
You're dragging me down. You're really heavy.
Hey, listen, there's a grenade in my shorts.
Can you reach it?
You gotta go in from underneath.
Oh, shit!
Is that it? That's my dick.
What about that?
That's my dick also.
Why is it hard?
I have so much adrenaline right now!
- Is that it? - You're tickling me.
I can't find it!
That's it! Grab it!
Yes!
No, I got it in my mouth.
Say something cool when you throw it!
One, two, three!
Something cool!
They're gone!
Oh, I feel so...
Whoo-hoo!
We did it!
Dude, fuck, I'm... ow!
Oh! Shit, sorry.
Dude, I miss you so much, man.
I miss you, too.
You were like a tiny little flower seed
and I was clenching you in my fist.
But a flower, it can't grow in a fist.
A little seed needs to fly away free and find its soil.
Yeah, I know. I tried to soil myself and, dude, I didn't like it.
I wanted a relationship without friction.
Dude, you need friction to create fire.
And that's what we have, we have fire.
Dude, I'm in. I'm all in.
Thank God.
Dude, this is what I've always wanted. Just me and you, buddy.
I love you.
Me, too, man. I love you, man.
You know what?
That's who he should be with, man.
What?
Hey, what'd you say when you threw the grenade up there?
I said, "something cool."
What did you say?
It was "something cool." No, but what'd you say?
Yeah, I know. I said, "something cool."
I didn't expect spring break to be this stinky.
It's pretty gross.
Man, we're getting too old for this shit.
We started off too old for this shit.
You ain't lying about that.
Dude, we're even about the arm thing, okay? Right?
What? What do you want to do?
Don't move. Fuck. All right.
Just get it over with, all right? Don't move.
One... Just graze my arm.
I don't want you to hit the bone. ...Two,
Three.
Fuck! Fuck! Shit!
Oh, my God, are you all right? Shit!
Why, man? Why am I always getting hurt around you?
- Jenko, what are you doing? - Oh, fuck you.
Fuck you, schmidt. Stop dicking around.
Hey, cap. Congratulations, you two.
You managed to un-fuck up the situation you originally fucked up.
Thanks.
I wish you can un-fuck my daughter,
but I'm gonna let that be the past.
Now, for your next mission,
you two sons of bitches are going to medical school.
What?
This time, foreign exchange students.
Awesome. Yes!
In Russia.
What?
Do svidanya.
Vodka soda.
Next assignment. A semester at sea.
You two sons of bitches are going to culinary school.
There's a microchip in this empanada.
Old family recipe.
Best to keep it a secret.
Oh, shit!
New assignment...
Cap, does schmidt look any different to you?
No. That's schmidt.
I don't know what you're talking about, man.
He look exactly the same to me.
I got new glasses.
Yeah, man, he just got some new glasses, man. God damn.
No one's gonna fucking notice.
Let's do this, schmidt.
Yeah. Just like we always do, Jenkins.
It's jenko. Sorry.
I'm really, really glad you're back, schmidt.
What are you talking about? What contract dispute?
I've been here the whole time.
Man, shut the fuck up.
How about a flight academy?
Undercover just got a whole lot sexier.
You're jump street, right?
Yeah. How the fuck do you know that?
I'm booker.
Oh, shit. Man, you're a legend.
Traffic school!
Military school.
Scuba class.
Dance academy.
Yes.
Finally something I'm amazing at.
# Your friends'll be there when your back is to the wall
# you'll find you need us
# 'cause there's no one else to call
You sons of bitches is gonna be in a video game.
Let's blow shit up.
Jump street style.
# We out of control all over the place
# and somebody gotta put it to a stop, quick
# out on the road all up in your face
Get ready for a lifetime of being badass motherfuckers.
It's inking in my mouth!
Don't fuck my daughter.
# They're the jump street and 'bout to jump up in your ass
# this the special unit that's designed to keep it quiet
# we infiltrate the dealers and we find the damn suppliers
# don't need permission to decide what you believe
# say jump, jumping down on jump street
all right, new assignment.
Six hours of makeup?
We're getting too old for this shit.
Nice.
# wait, we just here trying to find us
# schmidt went lookin', till he found love
# got his life sweet, bon appetit
# spring break, bitch, throw a party on the beach
# shit did change, but all that means
# is that your real friends don't ever leave
# will it ever be complete?
# Jump street won't ever cease
# ever cease ever cease
# ever cease ever cease #
Something cool!
# we're gonna live forever
# we're gonna live for we're gonna live for
# yeah, me and my homie this is aye
# and it's going down like a fire drill
# came a long way, now we part here
# and we still running shit, call it diarrhea
# coming up together like them good fellas
# heart through the loop
# holding down, keep it real in these streets
# back to the roof
# anywhere, anytime I got your back like a spine
# my homies never left behind my whole team get to shine
# the world has opened up that's why we're blowing up
# that's why we rolling up drinking till we throw up
# the way we get this cheddar, there ain't nobody better
# write our names in the sky 'cause we gonna live forever
# live forever, man
# we're gonna live forever
# we're gonna live for we're gonna live for
# life of the party, patron and bacardi
# get faded, get sloppy, and all up in that chick's body
# came up with the people that's real
# ticket to the meal
# now like it, we all together
# that's just how it is
# I'm throwed like a strike out
# shine brighter than a lighthouse
# bigger than the white house
# go against my team, get wiped out
# got them choppers like troopers
# don't make me split your head
# my lil' homie left up here, he'll smoke ya like a cig
# we're gonna live forever
# we're gonna live for we're gonna live for
# we're gonna live forever
# we're gonna live for we're gonna live for
# we're gonna live forever
# yeah
# forever #
Eric.
Eric, are you awake?
No.
I'm late.
你这个呆子
孩子你很幸运居然毕业了
该死 一噢
你很擅长这个?一对
你真的很擅长这个一对
嘿想跟我做朋友吗?
你的没有装弹吧?
快抓住它一我怕
摸一下嘛
真的一好了好了
你替我挡子弹了兄弟
你打到我JJ了
耶王八蛋
你们两个去上大学吧
∥阴∥表示缓慢柔和被动的
它与水和女性联系在一起
然而∥阳一却相反表示快速硬朗以及．．．
哥们这简直就是扯淡
我以为我们要去真正的大学结果是网络大学
听听那些编码讲座什么的
你在说什么?
你看看周围
这是我们的城市
去大学了又能怎么样呢?
你说的对
一生的搭档
在都市港口潮汐将在10点半来临
然后又回到大海
都市港口还有一个小时
来吧开干吧
没想到吧还有两只手
该死他就是老鬼一是他吗?
约斯特聂尔森
他是新都市最大的违禁品贩子
他一直和墨西哥的贩子秘密来往
而且都是通过港口交易
那他都有些啥东西卖的啊
我不知道
你在做什么?一啊?
我要扮演一个新身份杀手
然后剩下的就交给你处置了
好
你能不能临场发挥配合一下?
我不想搞什么临场发挥
但你必须得临场发挥啊
我不想搞这个我发挥不好
我需要非常安静的环境才能进入状态变成另外一个角色
安静点不然我进入不了状态
那你能不能给我起个头．．．
我需要绝对的安静
你能不能．．．安静点
你现在就要装成这幅鸟样吗?
我告诉你我讨厌别人迟到
我们想看看货
该死
眯眯眼怎么了?
你知道我表哥吗伤心男
我想你找错人了
瞎说你就是眯眯眼
西班牙语区都这么叫
∥眯眯眼他长得好像墨西哥金刚狼∥
嘿这是我搭档他想看看货
那他怎么不说话?
我叫杰夫
这就是杰夫
给他们说说小老鼠的成人礼
说说你们的疯狂冒险经历
我不知道你在说什么
兄弟你昨晚才给我讲过的
而且讲的很详细呢
讲的丰富多彩讲的津津有味
给我们讲讲那难以置信的故事
让大家都听听
好吧
有多拉迭戈
还有猛汉
猛汉?
就是你杀了的那个人
是他自找的说说他是谁吧
布茨
不不是布茨布茨不是真名
给他们讲讲真实的故事吧
从头开始讲
名字是他瞎编的
我不敢相信最近接触的这些小混混居然都这副德行
这让我非常想念90年代
那时有很多职业杀手
你想看看货?
去看吧
不过要闭嘴听见没?
你在哪找的这个外国佬
在芒福德还是音乐会?
里面是什么?枪还是毒品
不不要
伙计真恶心
他的黑汁吐到我嘴里了
我帮你取掉
它的触手在咬我
它力气好大一我在使劲
他在咬我的脸
该死
黑市野昧
看来我们没有猜错
装的口音没有了?
带他们出去他们是警察
怎么回事?一我不知道我感觉我们在动啊
废话我们肯定在动
这里有好多鸟屎
是真屎
我靠
这有一条龙在这
该死的
怎么回事?
是我们的车被撞了
那辆车不便宜啊
我要打烂他们的脸让他们赔
那是我们的车
你要干什么?
不要爬上去
不要丢下我一个人
那你就上来呀
我上不去
从旁边爬上来快点
快点兄弟就快上来了
这太恐怖了
打他
别丢下我
我已经全力以赴了一你这个白痴
就是这样加油
快起来快点
好了你没事吧?一没事
你现在只要往前走就行了知道吗 一好
该死的
你在干什么?快上来
我上不去
好吧我只能把你拖上来了
我要死了
你不会死的快给我起来
你自己用点力
腰部用力
抓到了快点加油
好了你看看能不能自己站起来
好
应该甩掉他们了
该死的
他就像终结者一样
这样很危险
你被捕了
快停车
我说快点给我停车
你欠我一辆车
最好赔我一辆兰博基尼
我成功了
你有权利保持沉默
噢该死的
我的天啊
该死的
怎么回事?
他们逃走了
那是唇印吗?
这其实是章鱼咬的
我打开一箱子时一只章鱼跳的我脸上
当然它有好多好多触手
它有8只触手
对然后．．．
听着女士们
龙虎少年队项目重启时
你们刚过来没有任何人反对你们
稍微有点脑子的人包括我在内
都认为这是注定要失败的
不过你们很幸运
现在这个部门投资了
一大笔钱让你们维持下去
我们把预算调成了以前的2倍
既然有双倍的资金那我们就得保证有双倍的效益
说的就像真的可以效益翻番一样
是的理事会的认为这次的失败
是因为你们没有像第一次一样
扮学生卧底
她不知道通常第二次
会演的更糟糕
当你习惯了之前的角色
一个占有欲强而另一个失控
你们会慢慢感觉到痛苦的
就像之前一切美好的事物
都开始慢慢被垃圾压缩机碾碎一般
这听起来不像是说我们啊
我要离婚了
我们不想重蹈覆辙
我们想冲破屋顶
然后找到另一个瓶颈
然后不断提升
所以要不停的敲击屋顶
好了好了
要不我们可以考虑特务机关
比如保护白宫?
我觉得．．．一我觉得那不可能
你们都别说了
我觉得是个很好的主意
就跟上次行动一样对大家都好
我真不敢相信韩国佬把他们的教堂给买回去了
庆幸的是还有一个
更大的荒废教堂就在对面
也是很方便一是的确实很方便
明年我们可能又得回去对面
只不过是在隔壁
我们不要操之过急
对不要想以后的事
先处理好眼前事
太赞了花费的多就是不一样
你看迪克逊的办公室
就像个大冰块
现在喜欢上龙虎少年队了吧
嘿
你们要参观参观下吗?
龙虎少年队就是牛
我又升职加薪
做你们俩的保姆了
我自己设计的还有意式咖啡吧
我打算在那边做个鲨鱼缸
噢我喜欢鲨鱼
忘记过去的龙虎队让韩国上帝见鬼去吧
哇哦队长注意点韩国上帝就在那
那是越南上帝
知道吗这是个越南教堂
你搞种族歧视会遭受天谴
你们看越南上帝只是向下滴水
这还来了几个蠢货实习生
嘿 大家注意
小子们一哟延科
施密特
别这样
还是一样的事给你们看看
一样的身份
一样的任务
我们要回到高中?
你们看起来像50岁
所以还是去都市州立大学吧
我们要去真的大学了?
有人那里在那里制造一种新的毒品
是用阿得拉(多动症药)和摇头丸混合而制不知道还加了什么
坩歪屁坩
不是你这个笨蛋是"歪奋"(和WIFI同音)
意思是"歪门邪道奋发图强"
现在的小孩就吃这个
他们只需要认真学习4个小时
接着就会参加90年代的派对了
这是谁?
辛西亚?沃森
她以前是个都市州立大学的学生
她吃了一些"歪奋"后
反锁了宿舍的门
后来跳楼自杀
现在死了
这是她在学校买毒品时拍到的
另外一个就是毒贩予
找到他我们就能找到供货商
长官我能说一句吗
看到是个黑人受害者我就顿时精神焕发
我们更加关注这案子就因为她是黑人
他就是想说
我们会平等对待
不歧视我们当然会重视
不不是的
如果是个白人我就不那么重视了
这样还少了一个需要当心的人
为什么每次你们一说话我就想骂人
潜进毒贩子里找到供货商
你没事吧?
没事
只是．．．
我是家里第一个混进大学的
最庆幸的就是我们一起合作
你好吗?同学
你好吗兄弟我们住3 22
去他的高中
噢太小了吧
真是扯淡
床．．．噢该死的
笨蛋那好像是精液
就是精液好吧
床垫上有精液同学
欢迎来到大学一是啊该死的
这T恤真搞笑是暗示我们喝酒
我妈给我的熏肉机
我看不懂怎么用
没错
超高科技警察装备
还好有预算金顶着
我不赞成贴这张海报
因为太幼稚了
兰博基尼怎么幼稚了
兰博基尼太烂了
我只有这个我只有这一样．．．
我们不得不赞成你知道为什么吗?
怎么了?伙计们我们是邻居过来串门的
嘿是你们俩你们是双胞胎吧
怎么了?
我们是姓杨我叫肯尼?杨
我是基思?杨
怎么样?还好吗?
你刚刚说姓杨?
对老爸是中国人
老妈不是中国人老妈是黑人
她是真正的黑人
就像韦斯利?斯奈普斯黑人一样一没错
我们也是两兄弟
不是他不是开玩笑的他说真的
真的吗?
怎么了?一你们怎么都这么老的?
嗯
因为你们俩眼角都有皱纹了
特别是你
我们其实才20出头
没事啦老一点不是挺好的嘛
因为这的女孩都喜欢老一点的男人
真的
再说这里有很多小骚货
特别是春假期间小骚货特多
我喜欢春假但是我不得不说
目前为止我已经搞过上千个女孩儿了
不过不知道到最后
只想要那种
真正更深层的东西
对更深的蛋蛋扫把星请我喝可乐
噢我们说的话都一样太不可思议了
胡萝卜裸麦粗面包荧光棒双胞胎
这太傻了这太白痴了
真厉害我们也有兄弟感应
你准备好了吗?一好了
女海盗一婴儿脚一回形针一香蕉
太阳一愤怒一我不知道一单词
流沙一鞋子
耶
这是说唱吧真了不起
真棒
会很好玩的
好吗?就跟上次一样
兄弟如果跟上次一样
那是你自己爽对我来说就很讨厌
不你也会很爽的
因为我敢保证
你替我挡了子弹
没错我是挡了但是很难受 如果需要我还要再挡一次
不行这次轮到我了我欠你伊格人情
混合澡堂
什么?我靠
我不打算
一直待在这儿了
我知道
嘿你好吗
哩
怎么了一没什么
只是不想再玩人人网了
反正不想上我们这个年龄的网站了
他们还有书?
我以为现在只要用计算机就行了呢
我觉得他们只是用书堆做掩护然后可以性交
所以我们得去辛西亚班上还有她参加的活动
然后打听毒品的事
接着找出毒贩子来
对就跟上次一样
完全想上次一样
伙计这门课
是你得实战表演
还是只需看别人表演就可以了?
都不是
那我到底要去这课干嘛?
很显然我们之前都有听过这句话：第一印象很重要
我会给你们留下深刻的印象
你们都喜欢心理学吗?
崔西 摩根
没感觉?
∥歪门邪道奋发图强∥对吗?
你要找∥歪奋∥?
对很需要
去警察局找吧
进去后找你们队长然后去看看物证室
你不就是个缉毒警察吗
我想你误会了
你还戴着警徽呢
你还真的低头看
有没有带徽章啊?
这家伙肯定是警察
我没有看
"等下教授难道历史不是发生在很久之前的事吗?"
历史是发生在．．．
这课真无聊
嘿你们玩橄榄球?
不玩这其实是我的计算机
我在记笔记呢
开玩笑啦这个是橄榄球
麦奎德先生
共价键(物理课的)
毒品战争的结果是什么?
你干嘛问我我又不是警察
因为这是学院研讨会
这也是学院研讨会的目的
教授跟学生进行一个生动的对话
摩擦起火然后吸取经验教训
结果当然是更难得到毒品
不过我可以告诉你
在过去30年里
可卡因的平均价格降了70％
那你的毒贩子
可能是想先把你整上瘾
麦奎德先生大学是个很美好的地方
这里可以决定你会变成一个什么样的人
而不是那些
低俗的小混混
那些人一眼便可洞穿毫无内涵
你得决定∥我是一直保持现状呢
还是要选择不同的路∥
适时地质疑一下自己的前科∥
我没有任何前科
你为什么要说这些
这就是我想要的答案麦奎德先生
我就是想要你质疑我的问题
这就是这整个学科的基础
这也是大学的美之所在
你想说什么都可以
我是说我也有任期我想说什么都可以
乔治 华盛顿是个黑人同性恋
埃菲尔铁塔是用假阳具做的
他们不会杀了我我是不可毁灭的
我跟我的两个学生睡觉
她还有她确有其事
现在就像你们以前一样
我要你们现在想说什么就说什么
随便说
快意宝(品牌)
"快意宝"不是个单词不过我也接受
你想做什么都可以麦奎德先生
如果你不能展现真实的自我
你这门课是不会及格的
快点给点反应
我们只有一个游戏的时间了
这一次我们需要很多不同的建议
我们只需要你们在空白处
补一句我们想说的话
比如像这样噢我好饿我想吃．．．
卫生棉条一不过我们．．．
我们要真正的食物
这样游戏更有意思
这样跟有趣我们再试一次
噢我回家了终于可以喂我的．．．
蠢蛋
你知道吗?我们继续玩
好了那么你们会．．．
嘿那个女孩儿是我心理学上的
天啊她真漂亮去跟她聊聊
你跟我一起去
别这么胆小快去跟她聊聊快去
好了好了
到舞台上来我们．．．
J伯恩斯．．．
嘿 一嗨
我们是在同一个心理学课吧
噢对哦嗨
嗯
毒品 毒品 账单 毒品
账单 时代召唤的节奏
阿曼达?拜恩斯说
抛弃破烂的马戏团．．．
马戏团去屎．．
你们是即兴表演的吗?一是的
真棒
你就是那个上课满口胡言的家伙
对对没错
谢谢各位J女士将下一个登场
辛迪亚就是那个死了的女孩
她经常来这里玩吗?
嗯
这叫做乳晕
你认识她吗?
认识她住在对面
是吗?一你怎么这么关心这件事
我．．．在写．．．
贪婪男人的手
一首诗为了纪念她
才刚写写了一点点
真的吗?一对
如果你能提早
计划练习一下那会好很多
然后也不会在这么多人面前搞这么尴尬了
大家都是这样这是脱口秀
你可能就应该这么做
因为这样很有趣
在哺乳期是我棕色的乳房能挤出白色的奶
你觉得这个怎样?
其实我觉得很给力
你这么说真是太好了
因为当一个女生说到她的乳房时
其实我也会觉得很给力
好了还有人想跟大家分享的吗?
你上去说说吧
下面还有诗人吗?
我．．．一你不是也有写诗吗
是的我是写了
我这里有一位一什么
好有人要上来大家鼓掌欢迎
好的
快上去吧一好好的
去吧不要有压力
你行你等着瞧
额．．．
这个作品还正在创作阶段
嗯．．．
满贯诗
吶喊
愤怒
不停地挥动我的手
对事观察具体一点
辛迪亚
辛迪亚胪
上帝保佑我们的辛迪亚一(有罪的你)
基督哭泣
落跑新娘
茱莉亚罗伯茨
茱莉亚罗伯(rob：抢劫)
悲痛
辛迪亚胪
你走了你去世了一
你离开人间了
这是写给死去的辛迪亚
呜
我现在毫无线索
我有我听说在学校任何地方都可以随时拿到"歪奋"
你觉得他们所说的"歪奋"是毒品吗?
还是WI FI网
什么．．．
去他的真没脑子
我们第一次找毒贩子怎么那么容易?
因为他的电话就写在贴纸上
那我们去找这家伙的贴纸
我觉得这家伙没有贴纸
我们需要别人帮忙得问一问专家
兄弟你打到他的JJ了
对我打到他JJ了
一打到他JJ了一
看看是不是栩栩如生啊
天啊你们看着真壮
你应该向这家伙取取经
他看着不错快看看他的胸肌
这就是我想要你练成的结果
你好埃里克一嘿
沃尔特先生我们应该．．．
或者说我应该跟你道歉．．．
打掉我的JJ?
对一对
别紧张兄弟我完全解放了
你知道他们给了我个阴道吗?
太爽了你们想看看吗?
不 不用了
行没事埃里克看过
埃里克都快不行了对吗?埃里克
你们快放我出去吧
嘿你知道吗
我是埃里克的婊子
不你不是
是我就是
我是你的婊子
哦天啊对不起亲爱的
我不是故意的你知道的对吧
我还会来大姨妈
留了很多血都要疯了
就像电梯门打开时闪灯一样
你的阴道压根儿没有用
昨晚不是给你用了嘛
你强迫埃里克发生关系吗
埃里克是我强迫你的吗?
是的 一你看
听着他们派我们去大学做卧底
找一种新毒品的毒贩子
没有一个人告诉我们任何消息
因为你们长得就像缉毒刑警知道吗?
大学孩子不像埃里克这么傻
我本来要去伯克利大学的
他们给了我们一张照片
那是你的线索蠢货
你们从这个开始着手
我知道但是我们看不到他的脸所以不知道他是谁
我们不知道他是谁
我是施密特我的裤子里全是屎
那就是你
这听起来一点都不像我
你的声音差不多就是这样
这听起来一点都不像我
就是你
埃里克闭上你的眼睛听下现在是谁在说话
是施密特
看来没有留下好印象
哇哦
干得好大侦探
你们有认真看过这张照片吗?
有啊 一啊?
这里有反光
这家伙有纹身
找到纹身就找到毒贩子了
我不知道
我给很多人闻过纹身
你还记得这个纹身吗?
火箭炮?
我好像给一个足球运动员纹过
那家伙头发红红的其他我就不知道了
他们看起来都一个样
我想我知道他在说谁了
去你的
去你的你这个跑龙套的
我好像动不了了
天啊我喜欢跑龙套的日子
该死的
现在掏耳朵也太奇怪了吧
你们都是一群废物
兄弟你不用这样的一什么?
我不想你受伤我不想．．．
该死的哇哦
伙计对不起
没事的兄弟别担心
你确定?一没事
该死的我来捡
没事我来捡我来
没事
我来捡一不让我来捡让我来
不我来让我来就行了一不还是我来
我来我来吧
伙计不好意思我的棉签掉到你的肉里了
不兄弟是我的肉弄到你的棉签了
变成了一种全新的三文治
肉棉签
棉签三文治
真有意思
嘿你们想吃这个三文治吗?
叫肉签三文治
我和这家伙给它取名叫肉签
你真搞笑你叫什么名?
布拉德等下．．．布拉德
对对就是布拉德
我叫朱克一很高兴认识你朱克
我也很高兴认识你
蓝队20
传球
现在喜欢跑龙套了吗
你的手臂没事吧?你要脱掉袖筒吗?
不用我没事
天啊兄弟你真棒
如果你刚早点看到界线传球过来就好
好我不知道你会那样绕
真有趣因为他是我哥哥
嗯
嘿我们在泽塔有个派对
你可以过来给你介绍几个朋友认识
还是挺有趣的
好的一好也许我们会去的
你们．。．真的认识?
对一对这是我兄弟
真有趣哥们你真有趣
喔
真的吗? 哇哦 好
当然你也可以一起来
我们到时看看吧
还有之前我说了很多
只是你没有听进去
你很棒一好
待会见一那你不解释下吗
那家伙怎么回事?
我们现在该做的就是
确定那只红公鸡是不是有火箭炮纹身
听着你觉得你去那合适吗?
因为他其实只叫了我去
我只是不想
一开始就出师不利
兄弟你在开玩笑吗每件事我们都是一起完成的
你的项链得弄松点
从你大学辍学那会儿一切都变了
哟布拉德你好兄弟
一样的项链
你也有这样的项链啊
天啊
你看连衣服也一样
你也穿了休闲裤?
不是吧?兄弟一哥们
我就知道我们心有灵犀就像现在这样
你俩怎么不拿根绳子绑在一块儿
然后结婚算了
公鸡你好
你挺帅的嘛
你好公鸡
你好吗?兄弟一在看你们项链呢
谢谢我真不敢相信居然是一样的。。．
你好吗公鸡
公鸡去拿汽水了
你怎么不过去看看?
你现在兴奋了吗?一真他妈兴奋
嘿还行吧?
怎么了我是公鸡
没事
我们之前见过的
是吗?我都没什么印象
可能是因为你长了副大众脸吧
是他们都叫我白领大众脸
他们这么叫你的?
你身上有没有人体艺术标记什么的可以看看吗?
你还真会问问题
不管怎样很高兴跟你聊天
很高兴认识你
你搞什么兄弟?
你这是干什么 伙计
你来真的吗?
你这人真奇怪
是你太奇怪了
然后就说"我听到什么了?"
"我刚刚听到什么了"
是巫师教你的吗?
这太疯狂了
嘿伙计你想去楼顶上看看吗?
好呀我想去兄弟
那走吧走我们上去看看
走去楼顶看看快走
加油你可以的快点快点
我好想念攀爬啊一陕点快上来
好吧
再来一次
我还是回去吧
我不会跑酷
好吧
嘿马娅?安杰卢
诗歌我知道了
你在嘲笑我的诗
我猜你对未来的工作
没什么兴趣
完全没有一没有是吧?
你呢?
我是艺术专业的
好吧那你肯定不会说脏话．．．
对我不能说
．．．因为那样你就赚不到钱了
我从没赚到过任何钱
你可别告诉我父母
等我今晚跟他们聊天时
我不会跟他们说你的专业的
好谢谢一不用谢
好艺术专业
你觉得那个怎么样?
我觉得
这两个东西
完美平衡的相互倾斜着
倘若其中一个倒了那么另一个也会倒下
所以这就是支持
你不得不承认它看起来就像睾丸
确实是很像
那么有谁在支持着你吗?
没有我是那种
喜欢独来独往的人
我也是
我喜欢一个人而且我很擅长一个人
我喜欢自己一个人坐在房里
然后想着各种各样的事
就会想着"天啊我一个人"
胪会不会有人喜欢我呢?坩等等
还有比如"谁会在乎我
是否出不出门?"
再比如
我不知道就是很平静很喜欢
嗯
如果你今晚不想一个人的话
我们可以去艺术大楼玩玩
如果你想去的话
好啊好啊
我以为今晚会和你想的很不一样
不过我今晚没有想到的是
今晚居然和你如期的一样
你知道我的意思吗?一当然明白
你们经常在这里聚会吗?
对我们不会去那种兄弟会的
我们喜欢坐在一块儿喝点红酒
谈一些重要的事情
狂虐对手然后喝个烂醉
这两样是我最喜欢的事儿
你这画的简直是稍稍逊色于
毕加索?一毕加索
是吗?我之前跟你说过
你会读心
不是吧?
那是辛迪亚的房问
喔
现在才2点我还以为很晚了呢你要进来吗?
现在才2点?我经常凌晨2点吃晚饭的
好呀太好了
我要开始了我只是在找一个合适的角度
伙计别撞了一去他的门柱
不可能的你不可能做到的
粉丝们每次赢了我比赛后都会
经常冲到球场然后卸掉门柱
教练就很讨厌这样所以他们把门柱都给固定住了
他们还是会冲到球场
只不过他们都被弹开了
该死的门柱
你们俩给我扶好
因为这该死的很快就要倒了
那是什么?那个纹身是什么图案
哦这个呀?一嗯
是我高中一个校队普莱恩维尤红鲱鱼
你看它在游泳
该死的一什么?
该死的真是与众不同
高中校队吉祥物
扶稳了伙计们
你今天怎么没来训练的?
我觉得你在队里打得挺好的
我本来没想着要玩橄榄球的
什么?
我只是过来完成我的"作业"
然后回去就这么简单
是还是学习重要
但是我们传球给你的时候
我就好像知道你要干什么
就是我好像有幻象一样
把球扔给你
然后那些粉丝全都开始呼喊
"朱克 麦奎德 朱克 麦奎德"
然后他们不停的呼喊
然后门柱就倒下了
伙计?
我也真的有过这样的幻象很久之前就有
伙计伙计
兄弟一兄弟
伙计一兄弟
伙计
我们可以的兄弟
现在只要你加入球队就好了
好啊太好了
太好了
耶伙计一耶伙计
那是什么?
我的纹身
对了你看
看是我朱克
纹了个火箭炮在手上
伙计你要加入球队
我实在是太高兴了
是啊
怎么回事?
你还好吗?
早很好
那个怎么样．．．．
那个感觉怎么样?
我觉得很开心很快乐
对没错
我很享受
没错
这就是我不喝酒的原因
喔
嘿你好吗
我很好
我没有听你们整晚翻云覆海
动来动去
好
我觉得你的屁股很久没享受了
一番快乐享受之后
醒来发现自己旁边躺着一个40岁的大一学生
我才l 9岁的．．．
是去公园找朋友
打儿童扑克迟到了1 9分钟还差不多吧
我就是这个意思
噢天啊马娅你看看他
他还是在骗人灵感多多啊
给我们说说你的过去吧
你高潮的时候叫声是我听过最大声的
就像是一个30岁的老男人
好不容易第一次发泄出来一样
很高兴听你说话
你真有爱一嗯
很高兴见到你
我的天啊
她看着人不错
她很恐怖
天啊
她之前是辛迪亚的室友
我觉得她可怜后来就跟她说我俩还是一起住
嗯．．．
你今天应该还有
很多事情要做吧
是吧?一没有啊
噢 好吧
听着我想要你知道
我不是那种"一夜情"的男人
我是那种 "搞完后
无论生理还是心理
还是会继续关心"的那种人
道格你不会觉得这样很奇怪吧?
不奇怪
我觉得对你来说只是玩玩应该没什么吧
我很高兴你能这么说
因为我不知道等我清醒后还喜不喜欢你
没事我懂
我这样不会伤心的
好了
我要．．．我要走了我迟点再给你发短信
很棒昨晚很不错你的技术不错
我会发短信给你的 回头再聊吧?
好的
这是什么?
真是扯淡
你们俩又在学校混日子吗?
我们花了重金在这上面
居然贴的全是问号!一不不是的
我们努力的在找
一个很特别的纹身
或许纹身只是条死路
搞什么鬼你们说的不是一个案子?
做同样的事就好了
其实不是完全一样的案子
因为我们其中有人跟妹子上床了
施密特?
嘘
别吵醒我的JJ
一直红着呢还没打一会儿盹
该死
我们用的是传教士姿势
她前我后的那种
我在上她在下躺着
她很聪明她是艺术生
她不可能聪明因为她是个被上了的艺术生
拜托
我要跟你击掌施密特
快点跟我击掌吧
来恭喜你
来一个走起
人类性学课扰乱了我的心智
你知道我高中还说过污蔑同性恋的词儿吗?
知道就是说我的嘛
伙计很抱歉那是个同音词
你要不要解释下为什么跟迪克逊那么奇怪?
事实上纹身并不是你所想的那样
你想想很多人都有纹身
这个纹身?这是一个极其特别的纹身
你说说还有谁有这个纹身
比如说朱克就有
朱克有这种纹身?
搞什么我们已经找这个纹身找了好几天了
你知道这意味着朱克就是那个毒贩子吗?
我真想你俩能一起玩玩
我有跟他玩但是他完全忽略我
对不起我们不得不调查你新认识的坩男朋友∥
我们布置一些摄像头
要监视他的一举一动
我们不能直接进泽塔
然后把一堆摄像头放在那
因为那里到处都是他的人
你的这个计划不可行不好意思
我的计划不好?真有意思什么．．．一好吧
我实在是受不了
你们在这儿吵吵闹闹的了
是没错我就是个蠢货一对
真的是个蠢货
你们俩这么不同一起生活很难吧
而我们是完全一样的很多事就简单多了
不要管我们好吗?
我们正在想办法解决
我们需要集中精力好吗?
你们集中精力没有问题
对那些沙琪玛里就有"歪奋"
我们拿了一批到整个宿舍楼
我已经吃了6块了
那你绝对会集中精力 一真正的集中精力
大概4个小时你们就会很快活
没事的你们不会有事的
谁卖给你们"歪奋"的
没人卖给我们
我们帮辛迪亚写逻辑学论文
然后她就给了我们一箱
好了我们晚点再见
好好享用美食
也许这是件好事
我们利用这个
想办法溜进朱克家里
你有没什么感觉?一没有你感觉到了?
没有不过我的耐药性非常高．．．
我很好
我也没事
你不用趴在我身上吧
不很有必要
为什么?一伪装
走
快走
不可能
好了没有吗?戴恩?
出局好了
打中了一中了
头盔戴着有点丑
你知道为啥要带吗?
为了安全
你在干什么
我在割玻璃
这是个激光笔而已
割不了玻璃的 一什么?
一点都不好玩
我不会分散注意力一我们开始吧
我没事一我们开始吧
再给我一个一我没有摄像头了
你不用钻这么多的洞一好好的
这个钻的很好你可以用这个
但是我没有摄像头了我已经说过5遍了
好吧那是最后一个
是时候证明朱克是毒贩子了
或者证明错了
下一个是布拉德?麦奎德
好吗?一好
好
很明显对吧?
老实说这家伙创纪录了
他可以用他的眼睛开啤酒
他们很不错哦
那布拉德加入了
道格麦奎德呢一不行
他是个混蛋
他是布拉德的弟弟
他就像他哥的跟屁虫
我觉得要布拉德不要道格
不是的我有女朋友的
我觉得这个家伙很糟糕一为什么?
我跟他讲了几句话
他是个大嘴巴
我觉得他会把我们的事讲出去的
你看你把这搞砸了你的话太多了
那家伙没有恶意你看他挺好的
他就像个30岁的小学生
他没事的
我只是说说挺讨厌的
好不过布拉德他可以加入我们
他可以．．成为我们一个∥棋子∥
∥棋子?∥一是
嘘我在听他们怎么夸我
完全是扯淡该死
该死
有人在上面吗?
该死我们快走
你把门锁好了吗?
锁好了我检查了两次
走快走
我没事哥们
该死
没有你很紧张是因为我们马上就要药效发作产生幻觉了
没有我紧张是因为太危险了
不我们没事的我们成功了
我们成功了没事的
噢该死
救命救命
怎么回事
该死的
我呼吸不了了
他们抓到我们了
他们会杀了我们的
延科
你去哪里了?
我产生的幻觉太可怕了
我觉得我们很快活啊
这不是很好嘛?
我这边比你那恐怖多了
你那边太糟糕了
你应该过来我这儿这边好多了
好
这有奇怪的隔离屏障
你好橄榄球
延科延科
我终于有兰博基尼了
嘿施密特你看
你快看
我的脚好累啊
救命不要放音乐了
你将永远都一个人
嘿延科一怎么了?
你去哪里了
我在不停的上升
别走你别走
不我不想留在这我飞起来了太过瘾了
不要天啊不要走
噢我的天啊
不要
别走不不要走
你把我拽下来了你干嘛拽我下来
你别走一我要飞
别走
快醒来快给我出来该死的
快点给我出来趴在地上
给我跪下
快给我跪下
你们已经知道了是不是 一什么?
有没有什么话想说的?
求你不要杀我们
如果你没什么想说的
那你就张开你的嘴
搞什么鬼?
这是伏特加吗?
欢迎来到泽塔
耶
今晚我们要挑选强者淘汰弱者
如果今晚没有挺过去的
都要去死
公鸡
点燃火炬
为了泽塔
喝混蛋
听着今晚无论如何你都要坚持知道吗?
我要吐了
我知道闭嘴加油
准备?开始
我们开始
1．．2．．3．．4．．5．．
我不行了我快不行了
20就是记录
33．．34．．
67
你可以的你行的
我做不到这太恶心了
不你必须行 一我再也受不了了
现在轮到我最喜欢的项目
该死的我不干
我不干我们．．．一不要走
我死都不干知道吗?
哩
施密特你搞什么
你怎么回事?是你说你想一起的
我们必须这么做才能取得他们的信任
这其实很有趣只是喝酒玩游戏
很有趣的
你觉得有趣可我不觉得
我不知道也许我们只是．．．
也许我们应该调查别的人
你真的这么觉得?
你真的这么说
你想调查别的人?
你真的这么想?
我不知道也许吧
也许我们应该．．．扩大范围
应该把视野放宽点
视野放宽点
朱克很信任我
我们之问有种东西感觉很好
我不知道也许我应该相处的更亲密一点
然后你应该做你的事
继续跟踪你的线人
辛迪亚的室友
看她有没有卖她的毒品
我只是．．．不．．．
我不喜欢分开行动
不是的我们还是可以
一起调查
只是一起的话要公开调查才行
你想公开调查?
我不知道这是不是我想要的
我只是觉得现在是时候试试
好吧
是吗?一当然
好那我等下再去找你
好吗?
不要你现在不能拥抱我
那你要钱搭车吗?
不用我不需要搭车
好
我不知道我这是在哪
嘿 劳伦
我只想一整天躺在床上看着朋友们
让我们看看都市州立大学的男神吧
他即将上阵
对战大学橄榄球公开赛
预备
今天有个惊喜
大一新生临时队员布拉德?麦奎德
看起来是个很老练的大一新生
荷尔蒙在爆发鲍勃
准备好了?开始
海德扔回来
传给麦奎德
谁将会最终胜出
他会得到我的最佳赞赏
天啊他真棒
你们没有人说过麦奎德很厉害吧?
要是你们说了他可能就要去打职业了
随着时钟嘀嗒响我们只剩下最后一球了
又一个海德与麦奎德之问的精彩配合
就连他们球门区那边的观众也忍不住一起叫了起来
就好像这两人在用同一个大脑
没错吉姆他们一人用一半
粉丝们又冲向球场
想把门柱给拆了
拆不掉的
祝你好运朋友们
看来都市州立大学有新势力了
朱克和麦奎德
我要从这过去
我跳不了我的脚踝扭到了
耶
靠一耶
耶一再来一次
该死
谁啊?
没什么准备?
加油
击中注意力
加油
去你的阿诺德 斯瓦辛格
去你的
门上有袜子别进来
去你的
我在跟女人XX00
我的天啊一去你的
嘿看看你
你们怎么过来了?
什么?你在开玩笑吗?这周是家长周
该死的
太好了你在约会啦
谢谢妈听着我们是卧底
谢谢一不用
道格
马娅
嘿一嗨
这是我父母
就是这个女孩?
还我叫安妮我是你的岳母啦
很高兴认识你一真是不会说话
嗨一嘿我叫戴维
我爸爸一很高兴见到你
我父母也在这
马娅快点
你妈妈找到座位了
你怎么认识这个家伙?
爸这是道格我在跟他交往
就是这该死．．．
你的功课怎么样?道格
你．．．我只是在这附近．．．
我有个主意要不我们都坐在一块儿吧
那样一定很有趣
对谢谢
嗯．．．
你觉得天气怎样?
你们俩认识吗?
不认识
这太疯狂了这一切
学生跟家长
潜在证人
你们俩怎么认识的?
我喜欢听美丽邂逅的故事
我们在一个诗歌会上认识的
然后他跟着我到宿舍
你跟踪她?一噢真美好
然后发生什么了?
然后我们一起玩还看了一部电影
其实是看了几次
这太扯淡了
这．。．服务员
你看是黑人就不倒水了吗?
快给这家伙倒水
他是黑人他经历够惨了
看在女儿的面子上就别闹了
我先去拿个可丽饼吃不然要疯了
我马上回来
你们是哪里人?
我是康普顿的
不过我丈夫是北岭的
给我盛点
你们这都是干嘛?就这么一点吗
再给点快就两三根豆角?
把豆角TM给我
我要芥末蛋
我喜欢水果你不喜欢水果吗?
我喜欢水果
这是猪排吗?快给我滚
他把气都发泄到白助餐台上去了
真恶心
他工作压力很大
怎么了?普拉亚 一想去看电影?
我要打断你的腿打断你的腿
看什么
你好吗?美丽植物先生快给我滚开这里
你还要啤酒吗?我去拿多一瓶啤酒
好要多一瓶
嘿atll．听着
如果你想跟我说什么的话
你尽管说出来
我随时都可以倾听
你想说什么?
没什么
好吧就是那些辛迪亚跟歪奋
那些事
我只是不想你毁了自己
你觉得我不清楚自己在做什么?
什么?一我很清楚自己在做什么
我跟你说件事
你别说出去一好的没问题
我有个朋友在UMC
他是个侦察员
他们的四分卫打得不是很好
他们对这个情况很不开心
他们想要我录个带子
我想要你跟我一起去
还有吗?
他们去年说是选了5个人
布拉德这可能是我们的重要时刻
我们就像黄金搭档
就像蝙蝠侠和罗宾
不过我们俩都是蝙蝠侠
你想成为一个什么样的人股票经纪人?
还是警察?
伙计你的发展前途
就这么高
但你还可以．．．
不断爆发一爆发
爆发一爆发
你真的觉得我可以搞定吗?
你可以成为名人堂的一员
不应该是你吧
你将成为橄榄球的历史人物
你也会成为橄榄球的历史人物
我们可以搞定的
对我们一定会成功的
只是去录带子吧吧
我真他妈讨厌我爸
你知道
一个那样的人帮你安排一切
是什么感受吗?
我能想象到．．．
我就是搞不懂
他对你有什么看法
我真．．．．我真的想不通
你这个人这么完美
你又诚实又善良
为什么我爸有你的号码?
我不知道可能是学校的通讯簿什么的吧
我们来做点什么吧．．．
这样就可以分散注意力了
好
这样我们就再也不用想他了
嗯一嗯
等等
马娅
我们就说说话可以吗?
好
那我们聊聊
不会吧一是的
我本来是个小飞侠不过后来太迟了
你跟你哥哥关系挺好的
看起来是的
对你知道．．．
你真是个天才
你确定这不会太过了吗?一不会
耶一去他的
怎样?好好
一整晚兄弟一整晚一我知道
还是很值得的
肯定值得我保证
你知道这还需要什么?
一个星形效果
扫把星请我喝啤酒
转的好
什么?
我真不敢相信我们聊了一整晚
天啊8点了我还有课
好我．．．
你需要什么随便拿
好的
不好意思
待会见
好的一最开心的一晚
好了再见
再见
你在那多久了?
你能想象有多久就有多久
这不是针对你
主要是隐私的问题
那我是不是应该就坐在这
然后装作什么都没听见
你说了99个话题不过重回年轻不可能了
你只是嫉妒马娅和我的关系
我跟我的爷爷也很亲近
你比辛迪亚还要糟糕
她每周都要找她的精神病医生3次
为什么?一不知道
不过他给了她很多药丸
或许他可以把你这张老脸治好
好吧
嘿你迟到了
没有其实我正在忙着调查
这里是辛迪亚的理疗师这就是我们要调查的
好
你看着门
这是我的擅长之处吗?就看着门?
拿到了
病人是药物引起的狂想症
认为她有生命危险
门 看着门
嘿
没人跟我说9点要会诊
不 就是我们 约了9点的
我们恢复了
非常感谢你你是个了不起的医生
拜托你们以为你们是第一对
头次跟我交谈就想逃跑的好基友吗?
你怎么知道我们是基友?
他不知道我们是基友
我怀疑你们是基友
关系是需要不断维护的
我以为这是在高中的时候学的
那么说你高中时是个好学生
我早就发现了
继续说吧
医生
我只是觉得有时候
他不再喜欢我了
好像不再珍惜我了
好吧只是有时我觉得
我们应该阳刚一点
也许我应该学学你的漂亮朱克
去你的一去你的
好了一你真自私
好了你们也骂够了一我的天啊
有时我会让我的病人做一些身体接触
你们为什么不牵手试试
好一我不要
嗯?一你看到了吧?
把手伸出来
我．．．
他都已经伸出手了
他不会跟我牵手的
我不要
我让你这么做
他不会跟我牵手的一你．．．
你要十指相扣
如果你不十指相扣那就不算牵手
好
我们还是做朋友吧
不要做基友
是吧?
你看关系很好吧
而我想要的其实是．．．
是这样
是不需要牵手也能够心有灵犀
关系融洽
你是在让你的基友难堪吗?
没有当然没有
你们俩为什么要联合起来对付我
应该对他真的
好好一他很粘人
他很害怕做他自己
我知道朱克是你兄弟
你不想让他内疚
但是他是我们要找的
不他其实不是我们要找的我知道
你们知道吗我们有时抓着不放
是因为那样东西很熟悉很舒服
我把这个法则叫"先入为主"
你看看事实一事实是我．．．
朱克有纹身他认识辛迪亚
我知道他第一次见到你
你把三文治撞掉在他脚上
他还对你笑
但是你被真相蒙蔽了眼睛
你刚刚说什么"先入为主" 一先入为主?
就是倾向性的去注意
我们第一次得知的信息
从而忽略了自相矛盾的信息
是一个很好的法则．．．
闭嘴我在思考
你觉得我们有可能
先入为主了吗?
什么?你是说我们喝醉的时候?
我们太主观了?一好了我要推荐．．．
好了你可以走了
快滚出去
快滚出去你听到了吗
这好像反了吧
1．．2．．
好 治疗效果真好
我们第一次看到
辛迪亚买歪奋的照片时
迪克逊说∥那家伙是毒贩子∥
我们所做的一切都是根据他那句话
但是如果是迪克逊错了呢?
我们忽略了其他所有的线索
如果辛迪亚不是买者呢?
如果辛迪亚就是毒贩子呢?
队长我们有件非常非常
重要的事要告诉你
队长
你穿这个干什么?
现在我们不能就这么坐着
还假装什么都没有发生
怎么回事?
这就是怎么回事
噢 该死
噢 该死不
这事儿太奇葩了
嘿各位他上了队长的女儿哟
每次他这样说的时候．．．
我的天啊
．．．你就要注意了
施密特你太．．．这是你做过最厉害的事
施密特上了队长的女儿
该死的
你上了队长迪克逊的女儿?
队长
你吹牛居然吹到他脸上去了
不过这次不是吹牛队长．．．
你知道吗就是这张脸
你居然在他这自夸起来了?
你还跟施密特击掌就因为他上了你女儿
天啊
我的天啊
这一点都不搞笑
我只想说
这很离奇你怎么没说
你女儿在都市州立大学
我觉得
没有把你阉了真是太离奇了
要不你让队长在你脸上狠狠的
揍一顿
不
我有个更好的办法
你觉得辛迪亚是毒贩子?
要是毒贩子死了
那我们还怎么潜进去?
我们得停止这一切
就像上次一样
我们还有个大问题已经没有多少钱了
什么?我还以为我们有凯特?布兰切特
凯特 布兰切特(澳洲女演员)?
我还以为我们有凯特?布兰切特给的预算
你是想说坩全权委托(凯特?布兰切特同音)胪
就是这个
欢迎回来
我们之前确实有全权委托 不过现在没了
你们一开始就花费了很多
昂贵的装备还有这个办公室
这个就像钢铁侠的办公室很贵的
我还买了一双800美元的鞋 结果你们没看到
所以你们俩赶紧给我锁定目标
我警告你们
找到供货商
但是别再给我浪费钱了
听着关于朱克的事我向你道歉
你说的对他不是毒贩子
很好你道歉了
这又有什么用呢?
现在有没有线索了我们该做什么呢?
警察该做的
该死的
别把死人的假阳具丢给我
我们现在在工作
现在小孩都不爱看书了对吧?
我觉得他们都不知道该怎么看书了
图书馆一有书的地方
图书馆
那些供货商毒品放到
图书馆的书里
而那里基本没什么人去了
然后毒贩子去查看那些书
我们去抓供货商
你发现这有多酷．．．一等一下
怎么了?伙计
嘿伙计你在哪里?
我们在热身比赛就快开始了
好的我正．．．
我来了
好待会见
你在干什么?别丢下我一个人
我得过去要不然就露馅了
你自己一个人可以的我两个小时后就回来
相信我
你吓到我了
队名号数队名号数
颜色号数
就是这里
你想想如果有人想出来跟我们合作
他们至少得准时到吧
看看这些废物
我真想念一起．．．一该死的
他在做什么? 一当他们吃普通毒品时
这是什么?软糖?
扯淡
开始
麦奎德闪了过去
是假动作这两个几乎可以随意配合
麦奎德把球传给了海德
然后他触地得分
他们真是一对好哥们儿
他们是橄榄球界的
好哥们儿
让我们为都市州立大学的黄金搭档欢呼
噢该死的我弟弟又在找我了
忠诚很重要
我很钦佩
我知道他是你弟弟
但是你不能任别人摆布
就因为他自己不够独立
是
我去下厕所
这小子太没礼貌了让我们等他这么久
你能闭嘴吗?
那些90后到底是怎么回事?
海洛因可卡因．．．
嘿一哇哦该死
我来了你开心了吗?一嘘
老鬼就在那里知道吗?
他正要见供货商
嘿 过去看看一你闭嘴嘘
是你在说话声音还这么大
你给我闭嘴
怎么回事?一该死
嗯
你打断了我的好事
噢该死我硬了
怎么回事?
没事就是两个基佬
嘿你刚刚说什么?
你说我们是"基佬"?
他说你在帮他吹箫
现在都2014年了
你不要再用"基佬"这个词了
同志可以 同性恋也可以
如果是认识的人
你可以叫他坩出柜坩
要是他们有幽默感的话但是我没有
对不起他有门课叫∥人类性学∥
他认为他是哈维?米尔克
我的天啊 拜托你
就一次这么支持我
你怎么不动下脑子?
噢你想要我动脑子?好
耶怎么样?王八蛋
你还记得我吗?
我是你最好的．．．
我是你最可怕的噩梦
天啊我的记忆
越来越差了
你是那个警察?
没错你就是那个被逮捕的王八蛋
你的枪呢?
什么?你有枪吗?
没有
没有我没有
因为我有枪
我们不如把枪放下像男人一样打一架?
因为我们有枪
施密特快跑一抓住他
快跑快点
该死的
有那么难吗?快打他们
该死该死的
快打他们快点
这边这边快点
不要跟我来施密特
快点好吗?
施密特你能快点吗
别嚷嚷了你在分散我注意力了
施密特快点快走
我不敢跳我不是蜘蛛侠
我去拿车
还是走楼梯快多了
这就是你说的车?
抱歉这不是兰博基尼闭嘴快上来
他们还在追我们吗?
是的他们还在追我们
你为什么要那样我们差点就要抓到供货商了
你怎么回事?
如果你不说点什么
他们还会以为我们是基佬
你快想想办法
这东西怎么这么慢
噢我靠一小心小心
那就像个小头盔一样
我们不能在破坏东西了
我们不能浪费部门里的钱
小心提款机
呜
那条路?走哪边?
那条路便宜一些
右边你往右边走?
我们可以去停车场的
你居然选了雕塑区?
你知道这些有多贵吗?
该死的
他们好像是故意撞的
虽然看起来挺酷的
但是这太浪费了
这里都被他们毁了
队长会杀了我们的
那我们怎么办?
我们去机器人实验室甩掉他们
什么?
不行我们把东西都撞坏了
那里有很多贵重东西
噢该死的
他们去体育馆了
听着施密特我要告诉你一件事
我获得明年
来这打球的奖学金了
朱克说我可以跟他一间房
所以我在想我或许可以这样
什么?你是警察
不能老待在这里跟朱克踢球
我知道只是．．．
我和朱克心有灵犀我们完全一样
你想出局吗?要是想出局尽管说
不是我不想退出
只是当我在球场上时
我感觉我可以飞
知道吗?但是我跟你在一起
就感觉你在拖我后腿
我只想你跟我一起飞
男神赢了34－1 4
粉丝们有冲向球场
延科
我的天啊
剎车失灵了一什么?
快让开
你快跳下去快点跳下去
不要
该死
我们走吧该走了
你成功了耶耶
你被逮捕了
我是警察好吗?
你把我带进去我稍后跟你解释
不不他是学生他什么也没做
等等你干嘛?你在干嘛?
我。．。
我帮你做决定了
继续打球吧
我不能让你这么开心但是他们可以
也许我们只适合一起做一次卧底
什么?
这是我一生中最开心的时刻
快来伙计
麦奎德麦奎德麦奎德
嘿我是马娅安杰卢
谢谢你骗了我
喔
兰博基尼太棒了
布拉德麦奎德布拉德?麦奎德
布拉德?麦奎德布拉德．．．
还好吗?先生一很好谢谢
你在等某个人还是一个人?
有个人可能会过来一下不过我们．．．
我们可以先点餐
我们已经抓获卡尔?墨菲博士
经过彻底搜查他的办公室查获∥歪奋坩残余．．．
．．．与死者有密切的私人关系
与最近在一高校的案例非常相似
可以说完全一样
该案子已结案
你毕业出去后打算做什么?
你不能在这里丢石头
什么?
你不能在这里丢石头
大龙虾1人份
只要1人份
我发现这个∥歪奋一的案子有点问题
给我滚出去
长官你不要．．．一我们已经抓到那个家伙了
耶耶
除了锻炼你们还想做点别的吗?
比如说呢?
快点伙计他们只是龙虾
没事别害怕
他要抓你的脸了
我们下半辈子就都如此了
嘿 --嘿
你来这里做什么?
过来看看你过得怎样
我过得很好
我比以前都要开心
我自己一个人过得很好
你自己过得好那就好
我现在是个独奏艺术家就像碧昂丝
我过去一直想成为
真命天女那样的组合不过我现在
是个人明星了
真替你高兴
就像公主有皮肤白净声音甜美的梦想一样
真好
你还好吗?
我很好
只是很冷你知道朱克有多冷淡
朱克就是个冷酷的家伙
他就跟冰块一样
我也替你开心
我只是想跟你说
我在想那个案子
我觉得他们抓错人了
我也觉得不是那个家伙
是吗?
我看了老鬼的背景
我看到他还给一个学生交了学费
你觉得老鬼是供货商的爸爸?
有可能
好这是个很好的消息
谢谢
我听说∥歪奋∥又回来了
因为春假有人带了一大堆
到墨西哥港口
如果是真的∥歪奋∥就会像病毒一样传播
那样全国的大学可能都会有
我觉得我的消息很有用
听着你过你想的话
我们可以过去看看
一起吗?
你非要把"一起"说出来吗
这次我们一起只成功不失败
不要给互相彼此压力一次解决问题
那你学校橄榄球还有你美好的新生活怎么办?
我可以休假
现在是春假
太爽了
能放下一个这个?
手榴弹?你为什么要放那?
这很不卫生
感觉很好
有一点没擦到
你知道这次只许成功不许失败对吧?
我知道
那你不会觉得这样很奇怪吗?
好吧
完美
春假 去他的
你没看到我走在你前面吗?一不好意思
不好意思一你想走前面吗?
春假 去他的
嘿
我的天啊我出汗了
你们居然在这吃东西?
真疯狂
拜托把你的JJ拿开
把你的JJ拿开
楼上快走
好了计划是这样的
我们要让这些小孩全都迷上一歪奋坩
然后你们再带回学校去
把货全都卖光光
"卖光光" 看到了吗
如果你们出卖我
下场和被我陷害的教授一样因为他给了我B一
他已经在监狱了所以最好不要骗我
我们要建立一个全国的销售网络
干嘛?你在干嘛?安静点
你为什么不卖那些经典的毒品
比如可卡因海洛因．．．
爸爸那些是老年人吃的毒品
都是90年代老女人吃的了
就像布兰奇吃海洛因一样
好那我不说话了
布兰奇从没吃过海洛因
好了小杨你们代替我死去的室友的位置
好的
你们在开玩笑吗?你们是不是兴奋了
当然
天啊你们没听过
胪供货商不能吃自己的吃太 GH∥?
我们没有
我没有
我吃他的他吃我的
好那我就给你们示范一下吧
那是枪一对
谁先死?
你想先死吗?一我不想死
你死．．．我不想死
我们石头剪刀布?一石头剪刀布?
就这么定了一就这么定了
该死
我们比不出结果的
那我就毙了你们两个一宝贝
如果你想进入家族生意
那你不能有违法记录
这就是我们需要这些人的原因
噢 该死扫把星
我们该走了
去天堂请我喝可乐
把枪放下快放下
道格?
我不叫道格我叫施密特
我们是警察
我的天啊
大家都知道了 一真的吗?
你们俩很像警匪片∥夏威夷爸爸∥里的明星
好了适而可止孩子们进来
我们还有同伴?一对
快把枪放下一你先放
我们的枪比你多快把枪放下
有道理
哇哦
这就是你们的计划?
没有一个支援就敢进来?
或许我们有更长远的细密的计划一嗯
也许我搭档袋子里有追踪装置
什么?
你才有追踪装置我没有
你台词记错了吧
你比较聪明你用追踪装置
那是你的强项我主要靠体能
你知道吗有时我可能会拖你后腿
但是每次只要你有可能做蠢事
那你做的就一定是最蠢的事
不是最蠢的事是
可以让两个警察不停地说话
然后其他警察就会追踪位置然后把他们给抓了
所以说我带了追踪装置
对怎么样?
听起来还真像吵架
那叫临场发挥
行动
放你的春假吧蠢货
我们就是龙虎少年队
还有我们
我们龙虎少年队把你们屁股打开花
从股沟开始
别动皮衣男
他把毒品拿走了
真无聊都没有人中枪
我的天啊
我刚说完你就中枪了?
把枪给我你的大些
站住我要打你屁股了
爸爸
马娅?
你在这里做什么?
这是枪战
你知道枪战会怎样吗
他们经常会劫持女孩儿
那可未必
梅赛德斯?你跟我来
贱人我不会跟你走的
快点
爸爸我怎么办?
那是我的泳衣吗?
只是问问这样有礼貌点
你打到我的脚了等等
快走快点
趁我不注意你居然打我的脚
道格? 道格
马娅
梅赛德斯带我爸往那边走了
好我过去看看
要是我死了我要杀了你们两个混蛋
该死的我们要怎么追上他
兰博基尼
警察我们是警察一滚开
老鬼在那里
什么?我们怎么办?
我们得分开行动
你行吗?
我可以的
你确定?
我要开车因为你跑的快些
什么?不是应该我开兰博吗?
对开不了了快走
但是我想．。。一谁还在乎这个朗博基尼快走
快把钥匙给我一不要
你快去抓他们
照顾好她好吗? 这车一定很棒我保证
这车怎么开呀
让她来一开坩你吧
我进不去
嘿
你怎么开车的
这怎么开呀
慢点我的手好痛
哇哦
你知道后面那辆车是谁吗?
那是我们最好的司机
该死
该死的
真他妈复杂这是什么
我的天啊
你居然开我的兰博基尼混蛋
去你的鸽子
墨西哥港口让我们看看你有多疯狂
这就像蝙蝠战车
快点 施密特
老年人请让让
借过借过
布拉德春假
听着我有事
我得走了
够了
你放我走然后自首
快让开
东京漂移
这太快了
好像
施密特快过来我被拷起来了
算了吧混蛋车停的不错
我马上回来
我得走了我马上回来抱歉
这是命令你这混蛋快过来
你又老又弱
快把枪放下快点
把你的皱纹手拿开
你们去哪里了
我在找你们
我快跑断气了
快点 嘿
想象汉子一样打架?
那你先打赢这2个人
嘿 嘿
不是吧?又是双胞胎
快起来老年人
快点嘿
起来打我啊该死的
我不打女人你别逼我
这不是问题
那你就别把我当成女人
你打我吧不要难为自己
好 一来呀
我准备好了
看好了
大女人
噢我的天啊
我的眼睛是不是出血了?一天啊你没事吧?
我眼睛好像出血了
学学怎么打人
这次好点了
这次好点了王八蛋来
不要一什么?
你干什么?一我干什么了
你干嘛亲我?
我没有想要亲你
你有一你真奇怪
你到底是男的还是女的
我性别特征很明显你个变态
这又不是性别斗争
说的好像你从来没想过要亲我一样
我从没想过要亲你
从来没有
又来了一闭嘴闭嘴
是你的表情很性感
我又不想亲你
那就别想了
是你想的
我从没想过要亲你
你给我一亲我坩的眼神
没有我没有
那眼神是表示坩我的脸被打了坩
不是"亲我"的眼神
我又不喜欢你
我也不喜欢你不要亲我
好
不要你又靠过来了
我不知道你是要打还是亲
你搞得我很难受
这是我打过最难受的架了
我现在一拳把你打晕
好吗?一好
然后我们再继续打
假装什么都没发生过
因为我觉得太尴尬了
大家疯狂起来吧
鸣
我讨厌春假
该死的
喔
你在搞笑吗?那是塑料
一点都不痛
这不是你想象中的春假吗?
这个怎么样?来点刺激的
这是什么?
弄湿了宝贝
脸上好多润滑油
喔
把润滑油挤我脸上
你真暴力
放开我除非你要搞我
我才不搞你
我们不搞吗?一不不搞
不搞吗?
不我永远也不会搞你
滚开
嘿
怎么了?你要干什么?
用你长满雀斑的手掐死我吗?
就你那身板还想推倒我?
真没想到你居然能发现是我
不过你应该跑不快
因为你只适合在场上
和老年人玩棍子球
别动贱人一谢天谢地
看看是谁挣脱了手铐
看谁是受难少女一该死
他就是
施密特我没机会瞄准
那就别开枪
要不随便开一枪吧
就像你向我女儿射的一样
我没有对你女儿怎样
我们聊了很多我们互相关心
你所有的优点
我都能在她身上感觉到
我要开枪了
别开枪
我可以打右边穿过你的手臂
打到那个贱人的胸部
别开枪一我要开枪
我要开枪了
没人可以比我先开枪
要不我们同时开枪?一都别开枪
等等 等等
该死的你有权保持沉默．．．
不不要我来
你快去抓老鬼他在楼顶
那我去了一我来
你在看什么
动作很快嘛宝贝
这阶梯真他妈的多
是我是我一该死的
你成功了伙计你抓到
抓到了我一个人搞定了
真的吗?
主要是靠我一个人一好样的
你说的没错那辆兰博基尼．．．
不要跟我提这个
是辆烂车一点都不好
嘿我们快走该走了
你还剩多少子弹?
没了
那就装作还有子弹
我们该走了
我们要等我女儿
延科
走快走
给你拿去一好
我刚刚想替你挡子弹的
是的但是没挡到
但是我尝试了这才是重点
不这些都不重要
关键是中弹了
掩护我我要上去
好
拜拜终结者
嘿快滚开
你能把他甩掉吗?
我来了王八蛋
快点不停地前后摆动
他只用一只手了
我只需要一只手就能抓到你
甩掉他
别这么胆小
天啊
我做到了
我真了不起
我的天啊你飞起来了
太疯狂了
你会跳了
你怎么做到的
因为你做到了
我不能让你一个人去
你在说什么?我没事
你不用．．．
我抓到你了一该死施密特
我抓到你了
你救了我一命
我发现一件事
你没有拖我后退
是你拉我向上飞
你是说真的还是比喻一下
我知道两个都是
你没有拖我后退
但是现在
你在拖我∥后腿∥你好重
听我说我的短裤里有个手榴弹
你拿得到吗?
在我内裤里面
该死的
这个嘛?一那是我的JJ
这个呢
这个也是
怎么这么硬
我现在肾上腺素过盛
是这个吗?一你弄得好痒
我找不到
就是这个拿出来
太好了
等下我用嘴打开
你扔的时候说点帅气的话
1．．2．．3．．
真帅
他们掉下去了
我感觉真．．．
呜呼
我们成功了
伙计该死的我．．．一噢
噢对不起
伙计我好想你
我也好想你
你就像一颗小小的花卉种子
我要用力牢牢的抓住
但是一朵花总不能在手臂中成长
小花卉种子需要自由飞翔寻找它的土壤
我知道我试着去找过我的土壤但是我不喜欢
我之前希望没有任何摩擦的友谊
伙计但是需要摩擦来生火
而这些我俩都有
我跟你跟定你了
谢天谢地
兄弟这是我一直想要的只有我和你
我爱你
我也是我爱你
你知道吗?
他应该跟那个人在一起
什么?
你刚刚丢手榴弹的时候你说什么了?
我说"真帅"
你说什么?
"真帅" 一不是手榴弹我是问你JJ感觉怎样?
我知道我说了∥它真帅∥
去你的施密特一别闹了
嘿队长一恭喜你俪
你们控制了一团糟的局面却把自己弄得一团糟
谢谢
我希望你没有搞过我女儿
不过木已成舟了
现在你们的下一个任务
你们两个混蛋要去医学院
什么?
这一次外国交换生
太好了一太棒了
去俄罗斯
什么?
再见
伏特加纯碱
下一个任务
你们两个混蛋要去厨艺学校
这个卷饼里面有芯片
古老的家传秘方
最好给我保密
哦该死的
新任务
队长你觉得施密特有什么不同吗?
没有那是施密特
我不知道你在说什么
对我来说他没怎么变啊
我戴了副新眼镜
对你只是戴了副新眼镜该死的
居然没人发现
我们开始吧施密特
就像以往一样延金
是延科一抱歉
我真的真的很高兴你变回来了施密特
你在说什么?什么合同纠纷
我一直在这没动过
给我闭嘴
飞行学院怎么样?
卧底就得性感一点
你是龙虎少年队的?
你怎么知道的?
我是布克
噢该死的你是个传奇
交通学院
军事学校
潜水课程
舞蹈学院
太好了
终于有个令人惊异的
你们两个混蛋要加入电子游戏去
我们打爆它
龙虎少年队style
准备好这一生都做个混蛋
射到我嘴里了
别搞我女儿
好了新任务
化妆化了6个小时?
我们太老了做不了卧底了
很好
真帅
埃里克
埃里克你醒了吗?
没有
我姨妈还没来