Previously on "Resident Alien." 2
Stranded on an alien planet. 3
In order to survive and complete my mission, 4
I would have to somehow fit in with the human life forms. 5
Dr. Harry Vanderspeigle? 6
We had a murder in town last night. 7
We need you to come down and take a look at the body. 8
- What the mother hell? - You're not dead. 9
Asta's the nurse. 10
It's the new doctor. 11
- He's an alien. - Wait, an alien? 12
What the hell are you teaching this kid, huh? 13
One mistake. 14
Just one mistake made out of necessity for survival. 15
I had no choice 16
but to kill the human known as Harry Vanderspeigle. 17
I was just defending myself. 18
How was I supposed to know 19
when I threw him on top of the ice 20
he would disappear into the lake? 21
I am an alien. 22
I don't know every little detail about how Earth works. 23
Everything will be fine. 24
I just need to find that body before someone else does. 25
Sleep: another example of humans being weak and inefficient. 26
Their bodies must shut down for eight hours every single day, 27
or they don't work properly. 28
Please be 6:00 A. M. Please be 6:00 A. M. 29
So much to do. 30
I have to find that body in the lake, find my device, 31
the pieces of my ship that broke off over the mountains, 32
I have to kill that kid-- 33
mm, almost forgot about that. 34
Exterminate the human race. 35
Milk, gotta get milk. 36
Don't forget the milk. 37
Maybe some cereal. 38
If I can't sleep, 39
I can at least learn to be a better doctor. 40
Circumcision. 41
What is that, eye surgery? Click. 42
They are a savage people. 43
Refreshed. 44
Plenty of energy to climb a mountain. 45
Did you hear that Chinese restaurant next to the theater 46
is shutting down? 47
No way. 48
I love that place. 49
Yeah, Mrs. Lee accused her husband of cheating. 50
I guess they're splitting up. 51
What? They're such a great couple. 52
It's probably a misunderstanding. 53
I'll talk to her. 54
I hear someone wants to turn it into a gourmet pizza joint. 55
On the other hand, 56
he was handsy with the ladies, so. 57
She's gotta do what she's gotta do. 58
Right. You throw high, I'll throw low? 59
- Spinner's on. - Spinner's on. 60
- Safety off. - Safety off. 61
Three, two, one, pull. 62
Nice hook shot. 63
Ball is life. 64
Yeah, say that again. 65
- Ball is life. - No, don't-- 66
- don't say it twi-- - Ball is life. 67
You always do that. 68
This is the third piece of my ship that I've found. 69
My device has to be nearby. 70
I'm not alone up here. 71
This is bad. 72
I just felt my rear iris pucker and my testicles tighten. 73
My taint remains unchanged. 74
That avalanche covering my search area 75
has set me back at least a week. 76
These humans think they can constantly thwart my plans. 77
Well, no more. 78
This is some bullshit! 79
Hi, I'm Kate Hawthorne. 80
My husband is Ben, the mayor. 81
I met him. He smells like soap. 82
Yeah, that's him. 83
My son ran out of your office a few days ago. 84
Can I come in? Please? 85
Yes, just one minute. 86
I need to talk to you about something. 87
My son Max told me you're an alien. 88
What's that then? 89
He also told me that you broke into his bedroom 90
and tried to kill him. 91
That's interesting. 92
What is wrong with him? 93
Why is he making things up? 94
- You think he's lying. - Of course he's lying. 95
You're obviously not an alien. 96
I'm so embarrassed that he ran out of the clinic. 97
I'm sorry to bother you. 98
I normally talk to Sam about this stuff, but he's-- 99
well, you know. 100
He's dead. 101
- Yeah. - Well, you don't have anything to worry about. 102
I'm not an alien. 103
Unfortunately. I hear they're pretty cool. 104
Thank you for coming over. 105
It's just-- I can't get my son off of this. 106
And it's not just the stories, he's-- 107
he's drawn pictures. 108
Lots and lots of pictures. Look at them. 109
They're disturbing. 110
And that alien? I mean-- 111
he even convinced the deputy to draw this. 112
Look at this, it's disgusting. 113
Makes me want to throw up just looking at it. 114
Some people think humans are ugly. 115
I just don't know what to do. 116
Max won't sleep, he won't eat, 117
and, frankly, he is driving me crazy. 118
You're a doctor. 119
Is there anything that we can do? 120
Move. 121
- What? - Far away from here. 122
A new school, a new life. 123
If Max knows that he is never setting a foot in Colorado 124
or the Western United States again, 125
I think that he will be a happy kid. 126
Uh, we have jobs. 127
My husband is the mayor. 128
Scotland needs mayors. 129
I read it in a book. 130
We're not moving. 131
Ah, of course! 132
Not. 133
He's probably just looking for attention. 134
Yeah. 135
I guess that makes sense. 136
I try and steer clear of Max during the day. 137
Having a mom who works at school isn't the easiest thing. 138
Neglect. It's your fault. 139
And with that, you can go. 140
Uh... yeah, well, I... 141
guess I'll just try spending more time with him. 142
Gotta be honest, I feel like I'm losing my mind. 143
Max doesn't drop the alien thing, 144
I'm gonna kill him. 145
You and me both. 146
Thank you so much for everything-- 147
'Kay. 148
Good morning, dickhead. 149
Can't call me that. That's a nasty word. 150
Oh, I'm sorry, shit-for-brains. 151
You're inappropriate and you stole my flyers. 152
Do you wanna put them back up? 153
Go ahead. 154
No one believes you, anyway, not even your parents. 155
Tell people I am an alien. 156
Climb to the highest tower in town 157
and shout it to everyone. 158
We don't have towers, you dumb alien. 159
No, I-- 160
I know that; it was a figure of speech. 161
No, it wasn't. 162
Oh, my God, you actually thought we had towers. 163
- I did not! - You're so stupid. 164
"Hi, I'm an alien and I think it's castle times 165
and there are towers." 166
I was testing to see if you thought there were towers, 167
and you're lucky you passed. 168
- Well, I'm gonna go to school now. - Wait. 169
I hope a tower doesn't fall on me 170
because we live in make-believe times. 171
You're the one who thinks there's towers! 172
Dickhead. 173
Assh-- 174
Asshole. 175
Hey, Ass-ta. 176
It's Ah-sta, Ellen. You knew that. 177
Sorry. Must be the Canadian in me. 178
Well, on this side of the imaginary border, it's Ah-sta. 179
Pasta, drama, Ah-sta. What else can I do for you? 180
Ah-sta, Dr. V needs some prescription pads, 181
but I can't find any. 182
Well, where have you looked? 183
I haven't looked yet. Can you get them? 184
Whoa, what are you doing? 185
- I want that so badly. - Excuse me? 186
Sleep. 187
I can't sleep at night. I'm trying to learn how. 188
Okay, well, please stop. It's creepy. 189
Get up. 190
Jay, Jay, wake up. 191
Please wake up. 192
Have you seen one of Sam's prescription pads laying around? 193
There's one missing. 194
I don't know if he took it home, I... 195
he always used to keep them here. 196
That's why you woke me up? 197
Well, have you seen it or not? 198
Not. 199
I just work here for school credit. 200
I barely know where the tongue depressors are. 201
I thought sleep was supposed to make you feel better. 202
Cut her some slack. 203
She was probably up all night reeling like the rest of us. 204
You didn't even know Sam. Why can't you sleep? 205
There's a dead me floating in the lake. 206
I can't find the on/off switch in my brain. 207
Do you ever meditate? 208
By meditate, do you mean sit peacefully 209
and think of all the people I want to kill? 210
Yes. I like it very much. 211
- Good. - Uh, Dr. Vanderspeigle, 212
we need you down at the town hall. 213
What's going on? 214
There's another dead body. This time in the lake. 215
Okay. 216
All right, all right, 217
now there's a lot of misinformation out there, okay? 218
Everybody just needs to calm down. 219
And somebody need to open up a damn window 220
'cause it smell like a sweaty REI store up in here. 221
What? 222
I hear they found a body? 223
No, just a foot. 224
Jack Rooney found it fishing the lake. 225
Which lake? My lake? 226
Not your lake. 227
Belongs to the state of Colorado. 228
Oh, are you trying to impress me? 229
By making me think you own a lake? 230
No, I'm not doing that. 231
Can maybe you be just a little less needy 232
and a little bit more sensitive? 233
Because somebody's died, so. 234
Come on, can we see the foot? 235
What's going on? Who does the foot belong to? 236
Yes, and can we touch it? 237
Were they murdered? 238
- Okay, folks, folks, folks. - What size is it? 239
This is an ongoing investigation 240
and all that we have now is...Is...Is a dead foot. 241
That foot belongs to the guy I killed. 242
For all we know, you know, it's just, uh, 243
some hiker who got his foot ripped off by a bear. 244
There's a killer bear on the loose? 245
I know it. It's my own fault. 246
I should've spent more time searching the lake 247
and less time watching "Law & Order" Marathons. 248
All right! I want everybody to shut up! 249
I want it so quiet in here, 250
you can hear a mouse piss on cotton, you understand me? 251
No. 252
- Now... - Okay. 253
As you all know, 254
we recently lost one of our own, Sam Hodges, 255
who was murdered. 256
Now, finding this here foot in there? 257
This is a good thing, 258
'cause it means that we don't have a murderer in our town. 259
We--we don't? 260
We got ourselves a serial killer, y'all. 261
How the hell is that a good thing? 262
Serial killers don't run away and hide. 263
They lie in wait to strike again, so they're easier to catch. 264
Hell, if I was a serial killer, 265
I'd be in this room right now looking for my next victim. 266
All right. Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't worry! 267
We're gonna send the foot to Denver for DNA testing. 268
Once we find out who it is, we gon' catch this killer. 269
I can't let them get that DNA. 270
They'll know I'm dead lake man. 271
Doctor, do you have anything that... 272
that you could...That you could add? 273
I am so scared! 274
Real nice, Doc. Real smooth, real smooth. 275
Fear is real. I have all the signs. 276
Sweaty palms... 277
Elevated heartbeat... 278
Nice hat, freak. 279
Now that I'm in this body, I'm feeling human emotions. 280
Sorry. 281
Poor guy. 282
My guess is a boat propeller probably hit the dead body 283
and just chopped the foot right off. 284
White male. 285
I'm thinking late 40s, 180 pounds, 286
over six feet tall. 287
That's a size twelve shoe. 288
Heck, if you didn't have two feet, 289
I'd think this thing was yours. 290
You are a funny, hilarious person. 291
Anyway, the medical examiner will let us know 292
if we get a hit on the DNA. 293
No, I know there's a chance that there won't be, 294
but with so many people in the database these days, 295
all those ancestry testing kits. 296
Even I did one. 297
Uh, I found out that, um, 298
my real father 299
is actually my dad's best friend, Bill, 300
so I told my dad 301
and he and my mom broke up 302
and then he left town and he moved to Ohio, so... 303
I don't recommend those tests. 304
Anyway, soon the only people who won't be in the database 305
are hermits and babies. 306
Definitely my foot. 307
It's amazing how my people have developed the ability 308
to mimic other life forms on the cellular level. 309
We are an incredible... 310
And I forgot to close the door. 311
When you're doing being next-level weird, 312
we have the Briscoes in the exam room. 313
Oh, there's my sock. 314
It's here. 315
Where's my goddamn foot? 316
You stole my five dead little piggies, 317
not to mention Liv's favorite bucket. 318
She puts her soda pop in there. 319
I can help. I am a pathologist. 320
You don't need to send the whole foot to Denver. 321
Well, then pathologize the damn thing 322
and get me a DNA sample. 323
We got some Ted Bundy shit going on around here, 324
and I need to put a stop to it before he strikes again. 325
Or she. 326
The killer could be a woman. 327
That's sexist. You're sexist. 328
Let me tell you something. 329
When I say he, I mean he or she. 330
You know, between you and me, 331
what is this PC bullshit anyway now? 332
You gotta say "he/she" for "he" 333
when "he" already mean "he/she," you know what I mean? 334
I just think it'll be more respectful 335
if you think of the killer as a woman. 336
Okay. 337
Well, let me tell you what I think would be respectful... 338
is if you got me a skin sample off this foot 339
before I start needing dick pills. 340
Now, I'ma be in the waiting room waiting. 341
No one knows where great ideas come from, 342
but you always remember where you were when they came. 343
There. 344
And in this case, my great idea came the moment 345
I entered the exam room and realized 346
I was going to cut the foreskin off this baby's dick 347
and hand it to the sheriff. 348
- How long has he been sick? - Just two days. 349
He doesn't have a fever. 350
That's a relief. 351
His chest is clear. 352
Is he circumcised? 353
- What? - What? 354
Right, how dumb of me to ask. 355
I'm right here. I can just check myself. 356
Let's see what you're packin' down there, champ. 357
Harry... Dr. Vanderspeigle, 358
you don't need to do that. 359
He's not circumcised. Not yet, anyway. 360
We were thinking about it but hadn't made a decision. 361
And you don't need to make a decision right now. 362
The sooner the better. 363
Removing the foreskin reduces the risk of urinary tract infection. 364
- Also STDs. - STDs? 365
Do you want your baby getting gonorrhea? 366
- Is that a real question? - No, it's not. 367
You should consider it. It's a very simple procedure. 368
All I do is surgically remove the skin 369
which covers the tip of your baby's prick. 370
Here you go. 371
I'm keeping the foot so it can be stored properly. 372
Fine by me. 373
Thing made my whole office smell like bad sushi. 374
I gotta get this back to Liv. 375
You know ladies love they buckets. 376
Before you say that's sexist, that's just a fact. 377
- Hey, Maxie. - Mom, what are you doing? 378
I can't be seen hanging out with my mother. 379
Don't be silly. Hey. 380
Teachers get lunch breaks, too. 381
Just wanted to stop by and see how you're doing. 382
Please go! 383
I'll literally pay you. 384
That's the money I gave you this morning. 385
Money is money. 386
Okay, just... Hey. 387
I just wanted to tell you that I love you. 388
Okay. 389
- Can I just get a hug? - No! 390
Okay, great. Okay, bye. 391
Love you. 392
Dude, that's the kid with the alien poster. 393
What, Space Boy? 394
He's the one with the alien posters? 395
You wanna make fun of me too? 396
No. 397
Because I believe you. 398
Stress, fear. 399
No wonder humans can't sleep at night. 400
Imagine what that water would do to your balls? 401
At least I don't have to worry about the kid or the foot anymore. 402
What's going on here? Why are you on my beach? 403
It's official police business, Doc. 404
Rest of that body's got to be out there somewhere, 405
and I plan on finding it. 406
You work too hard. You should take some time off. 407
Doctor's orders. 408
I am a little concerned about 409
the overall scale of this operation. 410
You know, we don't have the budget to drag this whole lake. 411
You got it in your budget 412
to live in a town littered with dead bodies? 413
Not really how budgets work. 414
And this whole thing... It's just too expensive. 415
I mean, the town is definitely not paying for snacks, okay? 416
Those are Cletus's dog treats. 417
Hey, don't be spittin' that out! 418
That's real bison meat. What the hell's wrong with you? 419
- Dang it! God, it's like a gamey peanut. - Listen, 420
everyone here needs to get their head in the game. 421
We're searching this entire lake. 422
We ain't gon' stop till we find that body. 423
Yes, nurse. 424
I have very bad ass rash 425
for you to examine, please. 426
Okay? 427
Oh, my God, you scared me. 428
Come on, let's go. 429
You've been so mopey lately. 430
You do know my friend Sam died. 431
Yes, I know. 432
I know, I know, 433
and I'm very sorry and it sucks, 434
but maybe to get your mind off of it, 435
you come out with me. 436
You taking me to feed baby squirrels again? 437
This is even better. 438
They find that body, I'm gonna legit shit myself. 439
When you said "Have some fun," 440
I thought you meant dinner or maybe a movie. 441
Come on, we got a live show here. 442
The finale, fingers crossed, is a bloated, dead corpse. 443
So this is our night? A floater watch party? 444
This town, I'll take what I can get. 445
Besides, I was dating this guy, and he sort of ghosted me. 446
I mean, he stopped calling entirely 447
and I'm kind of hoping that's him out there, you know? 448
Get some closure. 449
Also, you know what I heard? JT is having a party later. 450
JT JT. 451
I haven't thought about him in forever. 452
I can't believe he's still around. 453
Well, I mean, everybody's still around. 454
Nobody gets out of here. 455
We did. 456
I'll give us that. 457
We both got out and chased our dreams. 458
- Damn right. - Yeah. 459
And reality chased us right back. 460
Yeah. 461
Yeah, starting to envy that body in the lake. 462
Deputy, why is your boat headed to shore? 463
The mayor has to be brought back in. 464
He has an appointment. 465
Is there somebody throwing up on that boat? 466
Uh, hi, Sheriff. This is the mayor speaking. 467
I just have a pre-existing appoi... 468
Are you seasick? 469
We don't halt justice 470
just 'cause your tummy's a little upset. 471
If you gotta piss, puke, or shit, 472
you do it over the side of the boat. 473
In the meantime, we stick to the plan. 474
You do the east lake grid; I do the west lake grid. Over. 475
Aye-aye, Sheriff. 476
Perhaps if you drank some water? 477
All I taste is bison. 478
I don't like this feeling. 479
Even this dog is making me nervous. 480
I remember when I didn't know the meaning of fear. 481
After my ship crashed, I was on my own for two weeks. 482
An alien on an alien planet, danger everywhere. 483
None of it concerned me. 484
Not knowing fear allowed me to make bold fashion choices. 485
I don't think they're gonna find a body. 486
Come on, stay positive. 487
I think that's Harry's cabin over there. 488
Fancy. 489
I wonder what half of it will be worth when we split up. 490
I remember who Harry reminds me of. 491
- Who? - Danny Oliver. 492
- My God, he took you to prom. - Yes, he did, right? 493
- Yes, he did. - Oh, God. 494
You remember him dancing to "Got Your Money"? 495
*Hey, Dirty!* 496
*Baby, I got your money, don't you worry* 497
*You better give me that money, ooh!* 498
- Oh, my damn. - Right now! 499
*Baby, I got your money* 500
- Yes! - *Don't you worry* 501
*Said hey* 502
*Baby, I got your money* 503
*Hey, said hey* 504
*Baby, I got your money, don't you worry* 505
Sheriff, maybe I should go in and check the shoreline? 506
Based on the current, 507
it is highly probable the body has already washed up. 508
I know what's going on. The mayor's still sick. 509
You stay on mission, Deputy. We got a body to find. 510
This guy's not going to give up. 511
I can't panic. I just need a plan. 512
If they find the body, 513
I'll say it's my twin brother, Frederico. 514
Playboy, drinker, bad swimmer. 515
Whoa. Down, boy. 516
Down, boy. 517
Down! This is my body. 518
This is my body. 519
No, let go! 520
Harry? Are you home? 521
Yes, I'm home just standing here doing nothing. 522
Oh, cool. Looks like a fun night. 523
What are you doing here? 524
We were down at the beach watching the lake being dragged. 525
It's like our town's version of a drive-in. 526
Can we use your bathroom? 527
Please? 528
It's back there. 529
But then you have to leave right away. 530
- I'm very busy. - Yeah, we know, doing nothing. 531
I'm over him. Like, so over him. 532
Like, I'm embarrassed that I was into him. 533
Why are you going through his stuff? 534
You can find out a lot about a guy this way. 535
He's got all the vitamins. 536
A, B, C--oh, my God. 537
They're stored in alphabetical order. 538
He's a maniac. 539
I'm so turned on. 540
We are gonna go. 541
Do not go in there. 542
I'm just kidding. I didn't shit in your bathroom. 543
Gotta go to a party. Sorry, you're not invited. 544
Kinda a girl's night thing, so yeah. 545
- Okay. - Seriously, it's not a big deal. 546
It's just, like, my ex, JT, he's, like, really successful 547
and he's got this, like, really big house in the hills 548
and he's, like, begging me to go, 549
which...embarrassing for him, you know? 550
Then I'm confused why you're still here. 551
- Go. - No, we're good. 552
I get it. So we'll see you another time. 553
Thank you. 554
It's like he's jealous but barely hiding it. 555
He's hiding it pretty well. 556
He's probably gonna follow us. 557
No, he's not. 558
- Oh, my God. - You're so weird. 559
Hey, you girls got ID? 560
Oh, what are you doing here? 561
This bitch called in for reinforcements. 562
Aww, D'arce. 563
Thank you. Let's do the damn thing. 564
Give it to you. 565
Ugh, do you have anything stronger? 566
Pumped Sage enough milk for a week. 567
- I'm trying to be out‐out. - Ooh, you look hot. 568
Ooh, why are you dressed like a mob wife? 569
Why aren't you? 570
I have a husband. You have a cat. 571
Besides, 572
this is the first night I've been out since Sage was born. 573
I'm not gonna waste it on a Broncos jersey and jeans. 574
I see somebody I wanna talk to... 575
with my butt. 576
'Kay. 577
Hey, watch it. 578
- Kick rocks, cougar. - Cougar? 579
We know the guy that lives here, 580
so maybe we could have him just kick your ass right out of here. 581
Who, JT's dad? He's outta town, lady. 582
Lady? 583
Check out the MILFs. 584
Did you invite me to a high school party? 585
Oh, God. Holy shit. 586
No, no, no, this isn't funny, okay? 587
I wasted a 30‐mile drive, a babysitter, 588
and I smeared my best lipstick to be here. 589
- I'm sorry. - Oh, my God. 590
Where's D'Arcy? Oh, shit. 591
- I'm gonna kill her. - Oh, God, oh, God. Oh, God. 592
You're a good dancer. 593
And you're skinny. 594
Like a cricket. 595
- You wanna take it upstairs? - Why, what's upstairs? 596
Oh, no, no, no. 597
Oh, my God, braces? Ugh. 598
Ugh, high school party. 599
How's your new boyfriend. You get into his Pull‐Ups yet? 600
I think that was his first boner. 601
I guess that you forgot that JT also has a son named JT? 602
It's not my fault that he is a narcissist. 603
Wow, okay, okay. 604
Excuse me. 605
- Why? - You guys want some? 606
Oh, great. We're in a Gen Z drug den. 607
Hey, these are Sam's. Where'd you get these? 608
From my pocket. 609
Burnout, she means who gave them to you? 610
This prescription was written after he died. 611
You weren't prescribed these. 612
I'm taking them, and if you have a problem with that, 613
I'm gonna call the cops. 614
- What was that about? - Let's just get out of here. 615
Wait. Jay? 616
Oh, shit. 617
How are all these children more wasted than us? 618
Okay, yeah, I'm going home to snuggle my baby. 619
You two, you need families. 620
Or maybe a lawyer. 621
This is embarrassing. Help me. 622
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do it. 623
All right. 624
Sorry about tonight. 625
You're too young to know how sorry that party really was. 626
- Thanks. - Course. 627
Just get to bed. 628
Oh, hang on, um... 629
I know you've been going through a hard time lately. 630
Whenever you're having a rough time, 631
just burn some of this cedar and pull the smoke around you. 632
Something my dad taught me. It'll help. 633
That's weird, but okay. 634
Thanks, Ms. Twelvetrees. 635
Asta, are you ready? 636
Asta? 637
Sam! 638
You okay? 639
- Let's get out of here. - Yeah, let's do it. 640
Up front, princess. I'm not a chauffeur. 641
I mean‐oh, okay. 642
That's how we're doing it? 643
Yep, that's how we're doing it. 644
No problem. 645
We're calling it a night, Doc, 646
but we'll be back tomorrow. 647
There's a dead body out there somewhere 648
and we're not gonna rest until we find it. 649
Except we are going to go home and rest now. 650
Hey, Cletus! 651
Hey! Get back here, boy! 652
Hey! What you smell? 653
Cletus! 654
What you got, boy? - 655
Oh, hell. He onto something! 656
- He cannot go in there. - Go on, boy! 657
No wonder he's losing his mind. 658
It's bison. 659
You got meat. 660
I like meat. 661
I like meat, too, you know? 662
I've tried rabbit. 663
And I tried moose once. 664
My uncle made them. I ate it, but I didn't like it. 665
Okay, well, there's nothing to see here. 666
At least I know where I can come if I need meat, right? 667
Come on, here, Cletus! 668
And Liv. 669
Hey, Dad. 670
Why are you awake? 671
- Please don't tell me you waited up for me. - No. 672
- Breakfast? - Oh, my God, please. 673
Scrambled eggs, your favorite. 674
This looks good. 675
It was a girl. 676
The baby was a girl. 677
I thought she'd be better off without me, 678
but what if that's not true? 679
What if--what if she's supposed to be with me? 680
You're a mother to that child. 681
That bond can never be broken. 682
It's a mother's gift. 683
Wherever that child is, 684
you'll always be able to sense her. 685
One day, 686
that connection will bring you back together. 687
- Here you go. - Oh, thank you. 688
We both have the same bag. 689
Oh, um, yeah. 690
I was just buying a lock for your desk drawer. 691
It's where Sam used to keep all his prescription pads. 692
What about you? 693
I also have some things to lock away. 694
Who even are you, Harry Vanderspeigle? 695
Just a... 696
guy. 697
Everybody has secrets. 698
Fear is such a great motivator. 699
It makes people lock those secrets away. 700
But for every one person locking away their secrets, 701
there are two more people seeking to uncover the truth. 702
Scary, right? 703
He's disgusting. 704
He definitely cut the brakes on your bike. 705
I need to get a closer look. 706
No, don't. Don't do it. 707
What the hell? 708
So I look that alien son of a bitch right in his jaundiced eyes 709
and I said in no uncertain terms, 710
"I'm not the one to mess with." 711
I said, "Boy, I don't know where you're from 712
"And I don't much give a flying duck's fart. 713
"One thing's for certain, two things for sure. 714
You best stay the hell away from me." 715
Well, he come at me. 716
I kicked his alien ass all the way to the next county. 717
Damn thing got away with my horse and my hat, 718
but I knew he wouldn't mess with me again. 719
Unbelievable. See, this is why we like traveling around 720
meeting other alien experiencers. 721
Stories like that. 722
When we saw your videos online, 723
we knew we had to come speak with you. 724
Where did you say you actually saw the alien again? 725
Do you know where he was headed? 726
Well, little lady, 727
I've been letting this liquor speak for me 728
and I think I said too much already. 729
But you can read about that in the book I'm writing. 730
Oh, cool. You're writing a book. 731
Well, well, little lady. 732
What are you doing-- 733
Oh, my God! Are you insane? 734
You killed him? 735
We're not supposed to kill people! 736
Those aren't our orders! 737
Looks like you and I have different orders.