So you're telling me that these animals are watching our game films.
- Is that right? - Yes, sir, boss.
They got all last season.
Seems to me that we ought to do something about this.
What do you want me to do?
You're the criminal. Be creative.
But on game day, if I so much as--
What are you doing?
I don't know. I've had hot flashes all shift,
and now my nipples are killing me.
Why are we talking about your nipples?
We're not. Just go do what you're doing there.
Guys.
I want Crewe finished.
Yes, sir. You give me the inspiration, sir. I got something for him.
Hut!
Everybody!
Huddle up!
Every day we've been taking shit, for a long time.
Tomorrow, payback. Now, think about that for a second.
- What time is it? - Game time!
Tomorrow, 1 2:00, the bus leaves. Don't be late!
Where the hell is Caretaker?
I don't know.
A gift for you, Mr. Crewe.
How does he listen to that cracker shit?
We're here deep in the heart of toothless country,
coming to you from a simple Texas high school stadium
that's been retrofitted for the big event.
Now, when my man T ravis tried to drag me out here, I said,
"What are you, brain-dead from talking to too many Raider fans?
It's not going to work."
But the fact of the matter is, this could shape up as an epic day.
Hot-dog vendors, high-powered rifles, I love the combination.
And apparently so do the fans.
Hey, shitheads! Listen up!
Everybody on their feet for the warden.
Anthony, wow. You can sit down.
Thank God.
Gentlemen, Texas marshals have been kind enough
to supply us with a dozen of their finest sharpshooters.
So for those of you thinking of mingling with the civilians
or trying to make a break for it,
you will be shot.
In the head.
Now, let's all go out there and have some fun!
Crewe! I'll see you on the field!
I think he's in love with you.
All right, listen up.
I know it's hard to get psyched for the game without Caretaker being here.
But somehow that sick, skinny bastard
found a way to get us all fired up from beyond the grave.
Caretaker's last gift to us.
Battle, I presume this is yours.
I still don't think that's big enough.
- That's it? - No, that ain't it.
Caretaker said he'd find us some gear to wear.
I think he found us a name too.
Mean Machine! Mean Machine! Mean Machine! Mean Machine!
Good afternoon and welcome to a very special edition of ESPN football.
As today, the semipro Allenville Federal Prison guards
will be taking on the very prisoners they guard.
And with this special game, folks, comes a special broadcast,
as I'm joined in the booth by Baby Face Bob.
Say hi to the folks, Bob-O.
Chris, we went to a commercial.
This job, Bob, it's a lot of give and take.
So when I bring you in, don't be afraid to talk to the folks.
Unless you don't want to.
And here come the cons,
Ied by former NFL MVP quarterback Paul Crewe.
Holy shit. Hey, hey, hey.
Well, hello. How are you?
Back away from the girls!
- Hey, now. - Call me!
What the hell are you dressed up for?
Hey, I didn't spend 14 years in the joint just to watch this game.
And there in the high-security bleachers
are the good-behavior cons, along with their...
...cheerleaders?
We're the mean machine Don't mean to dis you
We're gonna kick your ass And then we'll kiss you
Hey! Ho! What?
I didn't do it!
Come on, Batt!
- What's that? - Did you see that?
Damn it!
Papajohn's at the 20, the 10. And he will score.
Sweet dreams, bitch.
That's a 90-yard return.
And I gotta tell you, the cons seem more interested in hitting the guards
than tackling the ball carrier.
Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad. Thanks for picking me up from school.
And here comes the big story of the day.
Paul Crewe, serving a three-year sentence,
hasn't played since he was banned from the NFL six years ago.
Center, shift it! Shift it!
Hey, Sasquatch!
Twenty, hut!
Crewe drops back to pass. Turley's leaving him unprotected.
Fumble!
Holy shit!
Goddamn it.
That's gonna be a personal foul on the big guy.
And this is certainly an inauspicious start for the cons.
Come here! All right! You got him. Now, protect me!
Let's go! Hold them!
And here comes Knauer and that big offensive unit for the guards.
Eighty-six.
Back to your cell.
Hut! Hut!
Knauer has Potter wide open. Touchdown, guards.
- Son of a bitch! - And in the first 90 seconds,
the guards are up by two touchdowns.
This one looks like it could be over early.
Sorry.
What are we celebrating for?! It's 1 4-nothing!
You guys wanna beat these assholes, do it on the scoreboard!
Are you okay? Oh, God, you're not hurt, are you?
Jesus, you sound like my mother.
Listen, if you wanna cry, you go ahead and cry. I'll cry with you.
Get off me! Get back out there and kick some ass!
Why are you yelling at me? All I did was care!
Look! A broken leg will heal.
A loss to the Mean Machine lasts forever.
Sorry, guys.
Yeah, yeah. Me too.
All right. Now, let's get started!
Now, get the hell out there! Let's go!
Way to go! Way to go!
There's the first sign of life from the cons.
Let's see if Paul "Motley" Crewe can make something happen.
Hut!
On first down, Crewe will throw. He's got Deacon wide open.
That's gotta be pass interference.
But the ref is waving it off.
- What?! - Oh, come on!
Come on, now. I'm in this hellhole for less than that.
- Be a man and make a call. - You're right.
Unsportsmanlike conduct! Eighty-eight black!
What?!
Come on!
This is baby-back bullshit!
- Bullshit, D. - Calm down. Let it go.
Let's call that one a questionable call.
Blue 42, hut!
The give is to Megget. He spins to the outside. Megget has room.
He's at the 35. The 40.
He's brought down hard, by his facemask.
What? Oh, come on, man! That was a facemask!
- You're not gonna call that? - I saw a clean tackle, sir.
What you looking at? Are you serious?
Tell it to the parole board, criminal.
I mean, this is absurd.
We can't win with the refs on the payroll!
Listen up. I got an idea to end all this bullshit.
Come on, let's all stay up! Come on!
Down, set!
Red 58.
Cover your man!
Red 58. Hut!
That one hurt my marble sack.
All right!
- You all right? - Yeah.
- What down is it? - Fifth.
- No, no. It would be fourth down. - Okay.
What do you think? Should I go for the left nut this time?
Underneath! Let's go!
Ref, you gotta get in the game! Right over here!
Well, I don't quite get this, but on fourth and 22, the cons are gonna go for it.
Down, set!
Red 58.
Red 58. Hut!
You gotta always protect the McNuggets.
How about from now on, you call a fair game? How's that sound?
Sounds good.
Okay. Wet Willie.
Yeah, you like that.
And so the guards will take over
after one of the strangest offensive series I've ever seen.
Okay, boys. We know who doesn't have any balls out there now.
Have we got any? Have we got some balls?
- Yeah! - All right! Let's go kick some ass!
Come on, Swit, stand them up, baby.
White 50. White 50. Hut, hut, hut!
Knauer, play action. Here comes the blitz.
Switowski is so big, it's like being tackled by a Coke machine with legs.
This is fun!
Nice to see you smiling, Bob.
Thanks, Chris.
Green 90! Hut!
Third and 5, and the give is to Megget.
He's to the 40, where he'll come up short.
But look at Turley push the pile.
And now Crewe.
And that's a first down!
And look out. Boy, somebody better take control of this game soon,
or they're gonna need body bags on the sidelines.
Let's go, guys.
Start of the second quarter.
Cons still down by two touchdowns, but they finally have some momentum.
Hut!
Crewe with a shovel pass to Megget.
And Megget scrambles for a first down.
Oh, you fooled me.
- I got you there, didn't l? - You did.
You know, Engleheart, you are the best-looking guy on your team.
You know, Paul, in the midst of all this, for you to say something like that is...
Come on, let's go. Let's go, D.
First and 10 at the guards' 35.
Crewe dumps it over the middle to Deacon Moss.
And he's hammered at the 17 for a 13-yard pickup, and that's a first down.
- Hut! - Crewe, trying to get his team
on the scoreboard.
He will throw.
And it's caught by Deacon Moss for a touchdown!
All right!
And so there'll be no shutout today, as the cons are on the board.
Quit booing, people. Both teams are trying very hard!
What the hell's wrong with you? Stop acting like a damn cheerleader!
- Sportsmanship, try it. - Shut up.
Damn.
2:1 1 left in the first half. And Dunham is back in at fullback.
And he is a load, at 6'2", 260.
Dunham, breaking tackles.
He refuses to go down.
But he finally does after a 1 5-yard gain.
That's how a white man runs a football.
If I was on D, I'd crack you square in that egg-ass head of yours.
Yeah, but you ain't on D. Are you, bitch?
Switowski! Come here.
Do you know what he said to me in the library?
Yes. Him. Out.
D, D, defense D, D, defense
The cons don't seem to have an answer for Dunham,
who's averaging close to 12 yards a carry this half.
Green 67.
Green 67. Hut!
Oh, what a hit on Dunham by Switowski.
I think I made him shit himself.
- Shit! - I think he just shit himself.
I think he just shit himself.
Good Lord. This guy shit himself bigtime.
See? I told you I made him shit himself!
Yo! I'll make sure I send them books to the hospital, pimp.
And some diapers.
Nineteen seconds. We got a lot of ground to cover.
So you bastards remember that play we practiced in the mud?
What are you talking about? That was some schoolyard bullshit.
Yeah. Let's try some schoolyard bullshit.
Come on, D, let's go.
Down, set! Green 88.
Green 88. Hut!
The clock starts to run. Crewe hands the ball to Megget. It's a reverse.
Cheeseburger Eddy's got it.
Go, baby, go!
He laterals to Deacon.
T ackle him!
To Turley.
The clock is running. To Brucie.
Shades of Cal-Stanford.
Back to Crewe.
He tosses to Megget.
T ackle him!
And look at that little Megget run.
Three seconds left.
Yeah! Go!
He could go all the way. Touchdown!
Did you see that?!
Do that sound again.
I like that.
And so, on a miraculous play,
the cons end the first half with the score: 14-all.
Bring it in.
Do you have any idea who's beating you out there?
This was supposed to be a blowout,
and they're showing you up in front of the whole nation.
The whole nation!
I like it when he's angry.
- I told you! - Way to go, baby, way to go.
What in the hell do you think you're doing out there?
Playing football, sir.
I didn't say nothing about winning.
We're not winning. Not yet.
You got yourself in quite a predicament, Mr. Crewe.
- Is that right? - See, it's just come to my attention
that inmate Unger has been taken into custody
for the murder of Caretaker.
- Good. - Oh, yeah, it's good.
Only thing is, he claims to have an accomplice.
Claims you knew all about it.
Hell, he even says you sent Caretaker to your cell.
Bullshit.
Captain Knauer says he saw you planning it with Unger.
There's no way that could hold up in court.
Court?
Hell, boy, in Allenville, I'm the judge, I'm the jury,
and in your particular case, I'm the executioner.
What do you want?
I want you to lose.
I can't do that.
Of course you can. After all, you've had plenty of practice.
But the men. It's more important to them than it is to you.
Okay. Suit yourself.
Spend the next 25 years of your useless life in prison.
All right, I'll do it.
But I don't want my guys hurt. You get ahead, you coast. We clear?
Fine. Right after I get a two-touchdown lead.
I tell you what bothers me the most, warden.
That you're not gonna be out there on that field with us,
getting what you got coming to you.
The only thing coming to me is victory.
Mean Machine.
It's cute.
- Let's go, boy! - We can do it, baby!
Captain.
May I have a word?
Don't worry, warden, we'll take care of business.
I already have.
What? We can win this on our own.
Captain, a man in my position doesn't leave things to chance.
Now, after you get a comfortable three-touchdown lead,
I want you to inflict as much pain as humanly possible.
Do not let up, you hear?
I want those cons to understand who owns them.
Do I make myself clear?
Oh, yes, sir.
Good.
There's the kickoff, and we're under way in the second half.
Megget is finally brought down at the guards' 33,
where Paul Crewe will take over.
And what a first half he's had.
Here we go! Here we go!
Down, set!
Y 45. Hut!
On first and 10, Crewe will pass.
- He's got Deacon wide open. - Come on.
Oh, incomplete.
It's okay. Get your head up.
It's all right, man.
Come on, Paulie.
Second and 10 from the 33. Crewe's looking for Deacon once again.
- He's open! - He's open!
But overthrows it. And it's picked off by Papajohn.
Look out! He might go.
Say goodbye.
Touchdown!
The first mistake Crewe's made all day.
Short memory, baby. We'll get it back. We'll get it back.
Defense, let's do this!
8:38 left in the third quarter,
and Crewe has struggled thus far in the second half.
Hut!
The pitch to Megget. Oh, my! That ball is live!
It's picked up by Lambert.
He's at the 1 5, the 1 0, and he will score!
Yeah! T ouchdown! Yeah!
Crewe took a shot on that play and he's getting up slowly.
Meanwhile, in the end zone, the guards have something to celebrate,
as they find themselves up by two touchdowns.
This is simply a different Paul Crewe we're seeing here in the second half.
There's the old Paul Crewe we love to write about.
What the hell are you doing out there?
I'm done.
I'm out. That's it.
- Where you hurting? - My knee.
- Seems okay to me. - Well, it ain't.
If Crewe can't go, I don't know how deep these guys are at quarterback.
The guards will try to keep it away from Megget, so they'll pooch kick.
Fair catch. Fair catch.
As Big Tony calls for the fair catch.
Watch out. That was as late a hit as I've ever seen.
And even some of the home crowd not liking that one.
Hang in there, partner.
Can of corn. Can of corn, and I'll be fine. Can of corn.
Yeah, I'd have a hard time looking at me too.
Brucie.
Yeah, coach.
You're the only one that knows this offense, son. Now, do it.
Coming into the game, replacing the injured Paul Crewe,
is number 1, Brucie.
All right, all right. Crewe's playing like shit.
That's his problem. I'm gonna bring us back.
Right, 32 Flex Dive Motion on one. Ready!
Break!
Yeah. It's Brucie's time to shine, baby.
Okay. Down, set. Hut!
There's the snap and the ball is fumbled. And the guards recover.
I knew I shouldn't have had that popcorn.
The guards are in command here as we move late into the third quarter.
Ninety-eight. Hut! Hut!
The give is to Potter. Back to Knauer.
He's got a man open deep downfield.
He'll throw the flea-flicker!
And he's got it. Touchdown, guards.
And this game is starting to look like a blowout.
Hey, man, after all Caretaker did, this is how you show him love?
Don't worry about it.
You haven't changed one damn bit.
All right. Down, set!
Back in at quarterback is Brucie,
who will try to find a handle on the ball this time.
Throw it, Brucie!
Oh, shit!
And look out.
What a shot he took!
How much more blood do you want?
I think the cons are just about out of options at quarterback.
Hey, Skitchy, let me ask you something.
When you popped the warden, was it worth it?
Was it worth spending the rest of your life in here?
Was it worth it? It was worth every goddamn second.
What the hell is he doing?
Paul Crewe must be feeling better, because here he comes.
All right, I missed you guys, so I'm back.
We got a lot of work to do. Let's get it going.
Deuce right, 89. Fly on two. Ready?
Break.
As we start the fourth quarter, cons down by three touchdowns.
Wide left! Tight left!
Black 90. Hut! Hut!
Here comes the blitz, and no one's blocking!
And Crewe will be sacked for a big loss.
That looked like a message to Crewe from his offensive line.
Did you see that, man? They're quitting on him.
Okay, baby. Jailbreak Blitz. Ready?
We got that out of the way. I deserved it.
- Now we gotta play some football. - Switch it! Switch it!
Cons need to do something to get back in this game.
And that's not it!
And Crewe is leveled!
I don't think he's gonna get up from that one.
Nice hit!
But he is. And I don't know how, after that last hit.
All right, punt team!
Keep them off the field! We're going for it.
Dumbshits are going for it! Let's go! Let's go!
Come on back, if he wants to get his ass kicked. Come on back.
This is unbelievable.
Fine. You guys don't wanna help me, I'll do it on my own. On two.
Let's go, to the line.
On fourth and 20,
the cons are gonna go for it. This could be the ball game right here.
Red 98. Hut! Hut!
Crewe dodges the blitz, but he loses his helmet.
And he's not going down.
He's got the first down.
Time-out!
- Man, oh, man. - Not bad.
Huddle up.
Look.
I'm sure you already know this, but I never said it out loud.
I did throw that game.
I did it.
I was in a bad way with some worse people.
After I did it,
I felt so shitty I wish I would have just let them kill me instead.
Now the warden wants to pin Caretaker's murder on me
if I don't throw this game.
So it looks like I'm gonna get to know you guys a lot better,
because I ain't doing that twice in a lifetime.
We got a little time left. We can still do this.
I'm begging you. Put your hands in here.
Okay. Thank you. Now, who are we?
Mean Machine!
Come on, Mean Machine, let's go!
That's great news.
All right. We got ourselves a game.
Brown 65. Hut!
First and 10 from the 30. Crewe finds Deacon open in the flat.
Hut!
The give is to Megget. And he fights his way for a 9-yard gain.
One yard, baby. One more yard.
Hut! Hut!
Crewe tries a sneak. Or is it?
He flips it back to Megget.
Megget's got the first down and more.
And Megget is down to the 4-yard line, where it'll be first and goal.
Hut!
Crewe hands it to Turley. And look at the big man go.
T ackle him!
Touchdown!
That was some rumbling, bumbling stumbling right there.
And listen to the crowd
as this underdog con team is starting to win them over.
Third down and 6. Guards have the ball on their own 29-yard line.
Knauer needs a first down to put this game away.
White 50!
And look at Battle take off.
He knocks the ball loose!
There's a dogpile in the backfield. The refs are trying to sort it out.
My arm!
The cons recover!
We got the ball! We got the ball! We got it! We got it!
With just over two minutes left to be played, this has turned into a game.
Crewe will start in great field position at the guards' 25.
And look at this formation. The guards, they're confused.
Shift over! Move!
They're trying to call time-out, but there's the snap.
Moss is behind a wall of cons. I wouldn't wanna be in front of that thing.
And they'll score!
- Hey! Is that legal? - Yeah, it is.
- Is that a touchdown? - Yes, it is.
What is going on here? Shit!
And with the extra point, the cons are down by just seven.
- Brucie! - Yeah. Yeah, coach.
I want you to go out there and kick off.
- I can do it. - Kick off!
Brucie can't kick worth a shit.
I know. Recover the ball.
Jesus Christ, my savior. If you help me out with this one,
I promise to stop cheating on my wife with black guys. Amen.
Back in the game is Brucie, and he'll do the honors.
And it's a horrible kick.
But the ball is tipped!
And the cons have come up with it!
- We got it! One time-out. - Got it. Got it.
That's it, Brucie. Hey, hey! My bad. My bad. My bad. Come on.
Give me that.
Damn--
Well, that felt unnecessary.
Cons have enough time for one final drive.
Crewe drops back to pass. He's under pressure.
- Watch the pass! - He's looking for Deacon.
He gets the ball up, but he's leveled.
And Deacon's got it for a first down, but he stayed inbounds.
Tick, tick, tick. The clock keeps running.
Clock's running. Clock's still running! Clock's still running!
On the ball!
Goddamn it! Do something!
Hut!
Crewe. He's looking to throw. Under pressure again.
Go! Get rid of it! Go! Go!
He pitches it to Megget. He's got some room.
Here we go. Here we go. Go, Megg! Go, Megget!
- Go, Megget! - Get him!
He could go all the way!
But he won't!
Goddamn it!
And Megget is hit hard at the 4, and he's hurt.
My knee, man!
You busted your knee for us, we'll bust our ass for you.
Hey, coach, I need a back!
Just win this shit.
I'm going in.
Coach, you serious?
Yeah, I'm serious.
And look who's coming into the game.
You can do it!
Get that old ass of yours in the end zone!
We gotta win this thing! Come on!
No, no, no. Hey, old man.
Absolutely not. You're gonna get killed out here.
They've been trying that for years. Don't worry, I got the perfect play.
- I ain't handing you the ball. - You don't have to.
Nate Scarborough, the former Heisman Trophy winner from 1955,
is gonna play tailback,
but he's gotta be in there more for moral support than anything.
Mean Machine. Mean Machine.
Mean Machine, Mean Machine Mean Machine
Mean Machine!
Six seconds left on the clock. Cons down by seven.
They must score on this play.
Don't let them through!
Down, set!
- Black 99! - Come on, D!
Black 99! Hut! Hut!
The give is to the big man, Turley.
He's stopped by Lambert at the line for no gain.
No! Wait!
The ball's picked up by Scarborough.
Come on!
Touchdown!
What an amazing comeback, folks!
Taking a play from the old Nebraska playbook.
The Fumblerooskie.
Easy. Easy.
You still alive, old man?
Never felt better in my life.
You're a sick bastard. Come here.
All right.
And now the cons are a mere extra point away from overtime.
Mean Machine!
Team vote: We go for the win? We go for the tie?
Hell, guys, we're convicts. We always go for it all.
Unfortunately, that's why we're all in the joint.
What would Caretaker do?
Give me that blackboard.
Yeah, come on!
Come on.
Are you serious?
I don't know. That play is wack.
It's gonna work.
It's gonna work. Let's go. On the ball.
Come on! Let's go!
Let's go, y'all! Let's go!
I think it's gonna work.
Get them out there.
And wait a minute. Crewe is coming back into the game.
The cons are gonna go for the win.
They're going for it.
Crewe, trying to settle his team into formation.
But there seems to be a lot of confusion.
Come on! Run the play!
Turley! Turley. Over here.
Move your giant ass right here! Right here.
Come on, baby. Come on.
The play clock is still running. Crewe better call a time-out.
Come on, Crewe!
They don't know what we're doing!
Run the play we set up.
I think you're still dizzy from that hit!
The snap is to Deacon.
It's a trick.
He throws it to Crewe.
They did it! Unbelievable!
The cons win!
We win!
Group hug in the shower tonight!
Or not. Or not.
Well, there you have it.
A bunch of ruthless criminals have beaten
the men that uphold our justice system.
Criminals are people too, Chris.
Now, give me your wallet.
What?
Just kidding.
You got a lot of balls, Crewe. You played a hell of a game.
And don't worry, I know you had nothing to do with Caretaker's murder.
And I'll back that up.
Thank you, baby.
Mean Machine! Mean Machine!
You humiliated me. I can't believe you couldn't even win a fixed game.
Now, where the hell does he think he's going?
He's escaping.
Officer, shoot that man!
But, sir, there's people.
Shoot him.
Crewe!
Captain, I order you to shoot that prisoner.
Shoot him! Fire!
Crewe!
Damn it, I'm giving you an order, captain!
Crewe!
Pull the trigger!
It's the game ball.
Hey.
Why don't you stick this in your trophy case.
- You have a nice time, old man? - Yeah.
Yeah? Okay. So, what do we do now?
Well, the first thing is, we tell the team where they're hiding Unger.
Oh, I can't wait to see what Switowski does to him.
Great game, sir.
That's a week in the hotbox!
Who gives a shit?
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