很容易想到 It can be easy to imagine
我们都具有一定的社交技能 that we possess reasonable social skills,
因为我们知道如何 because we know how to maintain a conversation
与陌生人展开交谈 with strangers
而且不时地 and – every now and then –
能让整桌人都笑起来 manage to make a whole table laugh.
但有一个更为严峻的社交考验 But there’s a test far sterner than this,
极其容易难倒我们 surprising in its ability to trip us up:
那就是试着和一个我们不认识的小孩 the challenge of having a pleasant time
共度一段愉快的时光 with a child we don’t know.
理论上来说 这应该很容易 Theoretically speaking, this should be so easy.
我们都曾经是孩子 We were all once kids.
我们比孩子们知道的多得多 We know a great deal more than they do
而且在他们看来 and – as far as they’re concerned –
我们握有主动权 we hold all the cards:
如果我们愿意 if we felt like it,
我们可以买26袋饼干 we could buy 26 packets of biscuits
想什么时候睡觉就什么时候睡觉 and go to bed whenever we wanted.
然而 事实上 Yet, in reality, it’s strangely hard
与小孩们和睦相处异常困难 to get at ease around children
我们这方面的能力还差得远呢 we’re not already close to.
假设你被邀请到上司的家中 Imagine being invited around to your boss’s house
吃午餐 然后被留在了厨房里 for lunch and being left alone at the kitchen island
独自面对上司10岁大的儿子 with her moody ten-year-old son;
或者是被带到一个娱乐室 or being introduced into a playroom
和两个害羞的5岁大的女孩子待在一起 with two shy five-year-old girls,
她们是朋友的小孩 the children of a friend.
很奇怪的是 我们很快就 We may swiftly grow bewilderingly
舌头开始打结 话也不会说了 tongue-tied and inept.
原因是孩子们不像成年人一样 The reason is that children are unable to do
他们不会在与陌生人社交时 any of the normal things that ease
做一些缓解气氛的事情 social encounters between adult strangers
他们不会问一些表示礼貌的问题 They don’t ask polite questions
比如 我们最近都做了什么 about what we’ve been up to.
他们对我们的生活 They have no feeling for our lives
或者那些对我们来说很重要的事情毫无兴趣 or what might be important to us.
他们不关心新闻或者天气 They don’t do the news or the weather.
而且他们通常无法告诉我们很多关于 And they can’t usually tell us much about
他们自己或者他们感兴趣的内容 themselves and their enthusiasms.
如果我们问他们为什么喜欢某个玩具或是某部电影 If we ask them why they like a toy or a film,
他们会一脸茫然 然后说就是喜欢啊 they tend to look blank and say they just like it,
哪有什么道理 that’s all.
所以虽然他们特别可爱 So for all their sweetness,
孩子们会展现出令人难以理解并且引人注目的 children present formidable and fascinating barriers
社交障碍 这也是为什么 to social fluidity – which is also why
他们象征着最难的社交测试 they are the greatest tests
考验一个人展现魅力和体现关爱的能力 of one’s mastery of the arts of charm and kindness.
贯穿整个历史 We have – across cultural history –
有一些令人感动的例子说明了一些伟人们 a few moving examples of accomplished adults
如何与儿童友好相处 getting on well with children.
蒙田评论说 Montaigne remarked that
他发现虽然苏格拉底这位伟人 he found ‘nothing more notable’ in the life of Socrates
在一定程度上创立了西方哲学 (the man who more or less began Western philosophy)
但是他最伟大之处 在于他特别有天赋 than that he was exceptionally gifted
与孩子友好相处 at playing with children
而且他愿意 尤其是在他的晚年 – and would, especially in his later years,
花很多时间和孩子们玩游戏 而且 spent many hours playing games and
还让孩子们骑大马 giving them piggy-backs.
蒙田补充说 他做得很好 ‘And it suited him well,’ added Montaigne,
因为从哲学的角度来看 他的行为 ‘for all actions, says philosophy,
与一个睿智的人完全相称 符合名声 equally become and equally honor a wise man.
亨利四世是1589到1610年的法国国王 ’ Henri IV, King of France from 1589 to 1610
他被认为是 is remembered as one of the most
最和善的法国君主之一 benign French monarchs
他恰好也对孩子们非常友善 who also happened to be very sweet around children.
有一个场景 被记录在法国画家安格尔的著名画作里 On one occasion, famously painted by Ingres,
当时 西班牙大使来觐见亨利四世 the Spanish Ambassador came to see the king
发现他在假扮一匹马 and found him pretending to be a horse
让他的孩子们骑在他身上 for his children to ride on.
亨利四世没有立马中断游戏 Rather than interrupt the game immediately,
而是让大使等了一会 Henri kept the Ambassador waiting a little while,
他的行为明显说明 sending out a strong signal of where
他认为一个理智的成年人有时候应该优先考虑的事 he felt sensible adult priorities should sometimes lie.
在这些例子当中令人感动的是 What’s touching in these cases is that
成年人并没有强制 the adults did not insist on using their
在孩子身上发挥他们明显带有社交性质的优势 obvious, socially-endorsed strengths around children.
苏格拉底没有选择给我们上一课 Socrates did not opt to deliver lectures
关于形而上学的内容 about metaphysics,
亨利四世也没有严肃地坐在金色的王座上 Henri IV did not sit impassively on a golden throne
讨论如何统治一个王国 discussing how to rule a kingdom.
他们把自己为人周知的智慧和威望放在了一边 They put aside their well-known virtues
使自己变得更加平易近人 and prestige in order to make themselves vulnerable
这是当友谊受到冲击时每个人都必须做的 – as one must whenever friendship is at stake.
他们不怕敞开自己 遭受非议 They dared to lay themselves open to attack
有些人也许会说他们 by those who might have described them as
傻里傻气 或是有失威严 ‘silly’ or ‘undignified’,
但是他们都明白友谊的诞生 implicitly understanding that friendship can only emerge
在于我们让脆弱柔软 不加虚饰的自己 when we let the fragile, unadorned parts of us
毫无防备地 meet – without artifice –
接受脆弱柔软的 不加虚饰的他人 the fragile, unadorned parts of others.
还有 这两位伟人 Furthermore, these two grand men
知道如何找到 knew how to find common ground
与这些在很多方面来说 with creatures who were, in so many respects,
对他们完全陌生的生物之间的共同点 entirely alien to them.
思维上的广阔 Cosmopolitans of the mind,
让他们能够发挥想象力 寻找那些团结人们的 they imaginatively searched for what unites
而不是分裂人们的事物 rather than what divides people
而且因为他们的性格 他们能够找到 and were able to locate, somewhere within their characters,
让别人快乐与兴奋的点 the joys and excitements of someone
即使这些人只有几岁而已 who has only been on the earth a few years.
社交能手们知道我们拥有着 The socially-adept know that we contain
就算只是一些在萌芽期的痕迹 (even if only in trace, embryonic forms)
人性中所有的可能 all human possibilities within us,
这让他们能够 which they draw upon to feel their way
发现陌生人的需要与见解 into the needs and points of view of strangers.
所以即使他们特别自信 So even if they happen to be confident,
他们会知道如何 they will know how to be in touch with
与更胆怯的人相处 the more timid version of themselves;
即使他们在经济上很宽裕 even if they are financially secure,
他们会用自己与焦虑有关的经验 they can mobilise their own experience of anxiety
来走进别人的内心世界 to enter into the inner world of someone
开解别人在经济危机下的忧虑 beset by money worries;
而且即使他们的职业生涯并不是一帆风顺 and even if their careers have not gone well,
他们可以轻易地 they can, without bitterness,
找到内心那部分想要变富的自己 find a part of themselves that would love to prosper
并且以之与 and use this to engage warmly with someone
那些事实上职业生涯一帆风顺的人愉快地交谈 whose professional life has gone very well indeed.
这些伟大的人与孩子的互动 The moves that these grand people made with kids
是需要我们学习的 are ones we should all learn
如何与我们想要结识的 how to make with anyone,
不同年龄段的任何人相处 of whatever age, we want to bond with.
但这尤其有用的是 这些伟大的人 But it’s particularly useful that these were grand people
他们会发出反抗的声音 who made neighing sounds,
因为经常阻止我们与人相处 for what so often holds us back around others,
当我们渴望亲近时让我们紧闭心门的因素 and makes us cold when we deep down long to be close,
是对于失去尊严的害怕 is a fear of a loss of dignity.
友谊开始的时候 孤独结束的时候 Friendship begins, and loneliness can end,
是当我们停止尝试去让别人钦佩我们 when we cease trying to impress,
拥有踏出安全区域的勇气 have the courage to step outside our safety zones
而且偶尔敢于疯狂一点的时候 and can dare – for a time – to look a little ridiculous.