Previously on WandaVision... 18
We are an unusual couple, ya know? 19
My wife and her flying saucers. 20
My husband and his indestructible head. 21
Hello, dear. I'm Agnes, your neighbor to the right. 22
You're like a walking computer. 23
What? I most certainly am not. 24
Dinner with Mr. Hart and his dear lady wife, Mrs. Hart. 25
What brought you here? 26
- How long have you been married? - Why did you come here? 27
Damn it, why? 28
Stop it. Stop it. 29
Vision, help him. 30
What was that? 31
Wanda? 32
Yes, dear? 33
Are you using your powers to turn on the light? 34
Yes, dear. 35
Allow me, sweetheart. 36
What do you see? 37
Only your lovely rose bushes. 38
That's all? 39
Are you using your night vision, Vision? 40
I assure you, my love, I see nothing amiss. 41
You have absolutely no reason to be frightened... 42
You were saying? 43
Actually, I did overhear a couple of lads at work 44
remarking on a few unsavory characters settling in the neighborhood. 45
Now, who knows what those ne'er-do-wells might be up to? 46
Robbing houses, vandalizing property. 47
Walking through walls, moving objects without touching them. 48
Wanda, darling, you can't be suggesting 49
my colleagues were referring to us. 50
One of us should really determine the source of that sound. 51
Yes, one of us should. 52
Oh, this is getting ridiculous. 53
I'm going to take a look. 54
Oh, God! Darling! 55
Well, I think we handled that well. 56
Yes, I must say I'm rather proud of myself. 57
And look how you seized on the opportunity to redecorate. 58
This is better, isn't it? 59
Wanda, darling? 60
Yes, dear? 61
Get the light. 64
WandaVision! 65
WandaVision! 68
*WandaVision Wa-WandaVision* 69
*WandaVision Wa-WandaVision* 70
*WandaVision Wa-WandaVision* 71
WandaVision! 73
Ladies and gentlemen, for my final trick, 74
I bring you the Cabinet of Mysteries. 75
Darling, that's your cue. 76
You said, "Cabinet of Mysteries?" 77
I said, "The Cabinet of Mysteries." 78
Oh, that's my cue. 79
Holy Toledo! 80
Darling, do all the other acts in the talent show 81
have such elaborate props? 82
Are you kidding? 83
Fred and Linda are building a moat 84
and a fully-functioning portcullis and no one even knows why. 85
Let's keep going. 86
Yes, yes. Where was I? Um... 87
Watch closely as I, Illusion, Master of Enigma, 88
make my captivating assistant, Glamour, disappear. 89
You really are very dashing. 90
Mmm, thank you, darling. 91
Fear not, Glamour. 92
For I, Illusion, vow to bring you back exactly as you are. 93
Abracadabra! 94
Yes, um, Wanda, you're not at all worried 95
that the audience might just see through this little charade? 96
Well, that's the whole point. 97
In a real magic act, everything is fake. 98
Darling, the talent show fundraiser 99
is the most important event of the season 100
and it's our neighborly duty to participate. 101
Plus, it's our chance to 102
appear as normal as possible while doing so. 103
Well, I don't think that should be a problem. 104
This is our home now. 105
I want us to fit in. 106
Oh, darling, we do. We shall. 107
And we're gonna knock their socks off, 108
especially with you wearing this. 109
Oh, that's actually the rest of your costume. 110
Well, I better get going 111
if I'm gonna make the planning committee meeting. 112
That's me off as well, actually. 113
There's a gathering of the neighborhood watch 114
at the public library. 115
And after last night's excitement, 116
I want to make sure this town's security is up to snuff. 117
That's a swell idea. 118
You tell those tree branches who's boss. 119
Would you look at us? 120
Wanda and Vision, Westview fitter-inners. 121
I'll see you at curtain call. 122
Look, it's the star o' the show. 123
Agnes. 124
I'm sorry. What did you say? 125
Oh, I brought my pet rabbit. For your magic act. 126
Yes, of course! Thank you, Agnes. 127
We will take good care of him. 128
Senor Scratchy just loves the stage. 129
He played baby Jesus in last year's Christmas pageant. 130
Oh, morning, Dennis. 131
Morning, Agnes. 132
Stick 'em up. 133
Don't shoot. I'm just a messenger. 134
- Shall we? - Oh, we shall. 135
So, are you ready to meet 136
Queen Cul de Sac and her Merry Homemakers? 137
Agnes, Dottie can't be as bad as you say. 138
Hmm, well, you'll notice her roses bloom under penalty of death. 139
Wanda, can I give you a bit of friendly advice? 140
Is it about the way how I'm dressed? 141
Yes, but it's too late for that. 142
Dottie is the key to everything in this town. 143
Country club memberships, parties, school admissions... 144
Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves. 145
You get in with Dottie and 146
it'll be smooth sailing from here on out. 147
Just mind your P's and Q's and you're gonna do just fine. 148
Or maybe I could just be myself? More or less? 149
Oh, Wanda, that's good. 150
Everybody, hurry up please. 151
Hiya, Dottie! Your roses are divine. 152
Well, thank you. 153
The Rotary Club is finishing the stage set-up as we speak. 154
They've given the gazebo a fresh coat of paint 155
and will be installing the final decorations 156
all through the town square. 157
And if you recognize the antique footlights, 158
it's because they're from my store. 159
And the chairs? 160
I'm sorry, Dottie. I didn't ask about the chairs. 161
So you better not ask me 162
if you can chair any committees in the future. 163
The devil's in the details, Bev. 164
That's not the only place he is. 165
As you all know, the talent show 166
is the sole fundraiser for Westview Elementary. 167
This might help. 168
In the eight years since I founded our little club, 169
this event has gotten bigger and better every season. 170
Say, those pants are peachy keen. 171
Do you really think so? 172
The other ladies are in skirts. I was worried. 173
We only have a few hours until show time, 174
so a little less cross chatter and a little more focus. 175
Okay. 176
Those little boys and girls are counting on us. 177
All of this is for the children. 178
"For the children." 179
"For the children." 180
So, I want you all to give yourselves a big hand... 181
...at the appropriate time, of course. 182
But first let's review event etiquette. 183
Dress code is upscale garden party... 184
The only reason I didn't clap is because I'm afraid to move. 185
Yeah. 186
I actually don't know what I'm doing here. 187
I'm starting to feel that way myself. I'm Wanda. 188
I'm, uh... Geraldine. 189
And I'm irritated. 190
Tickets for tonight are completely sold out. 191
Now, you can clap. 192
And stop. 193
Really, how is anybody doing this sober? 195
- Let's say green. - Yeah. 196
I mean, the other side could be dirt. 197
Pardon me. Is this the neighborhood watch meeting? 198
Oh, hiya, Vision. 199
Didn't expect to see you here. 200
This is sort of a "members only" type deal. 201
Certainly. Right. Well... 202
I'll just stay here and be as quiet as a church mouse 203
till you open up the floor for new business. 204
Well, in truth, we were just getting to new business. 205
Oh, splendid! 206
Could you tell me how often you rotate security patrols? 207
Do you interface directly with local law enforcement? 208
What are your protocols regarding threats 209
such as burglary, graffiti, and reckless driving? 210
- No, Vision. - I know these are indeed grave matters. 211
"New business" actually means another round of Danish. 212
Raspberry or cheese-filled? 213
Oh, neither for me, thank you. I don't eat food. 214
What I mean to say is that 215
I don't eat food in between meals but at mealtimes. 216
I'm a regular eating machine. 217
Hey, fellas. Vision here has got a point. 218
Now, listen up. I got some top secret intelligence for you. 219
Oh, excellent. 220
Now, you know how Johnson's been braggin' about 221
that treehouse he built for his kids? 222
Yeah. 223
It's a prefab job. 224
That blockhead can't even swing a hammer. 225
I can do you one better. 226
You know those bowling trophies Arthur's always polishing? 227
He bought 'em all at a yard sale in Hackensack. 228
I knew it. I've never once seen him down at the lanes. 229
I too have some top secret gossip to share. 230
Norm here's a Communist. 231
Vision, you're a real cut-up. 232
You know, I always thought you were kind of a square. 233
Me? No, I'm as round as they come. 234
Hey, care for a stick o' Big Red? 235
Well, hold on there a second. 236
Didn't you hear the man? He doesn't eat food. 237
Is gum food? 238
Well, my understanding is that it's purely for mastication. 239
No, I don't do that. 240
Well, when in Westview... Cheers. 241
Who knew you were such a funny guy? 242
And to think you came here 243
all hot and bothered about protocols and nonsense. 244
We actually thought you were serious. 245
He's funny. All right, so, back to this barbeque. 246
That is why you never do a seating chart on an empty stomach. 247
Golly, you're a whiz at all this committee stuff, Dottie. 248
Thank you for choosing me 249
to help you clean up today. I feel so lucky. 250
You are. 251
I can't help but wonder if you and I 252
haven't gotten off on the wrong foot, Dottie. 253
And I would like to correct that if I can. 254
And how would you do that? 255
I've heard things about you. 256
You and your husband. 257
Well, I don't know what you've been told, 258
but I assure you I don't mean anyone any harm. 259
I don't believe you. 260
Wanda. Wanda, can you read me, over? 261
- Wanda? - Who is that? 262
Wanda? 263
Who are you? 264
Wanda? 265
Wanda. 266
Who is doing this to you, Wanda? 267
Wanda? Wanda? Wan... 268
Dottie! 269
You... Oh! 270
Pop quiz, Wanda. 271
How does a housewife get a bloodstain out of white linen? 272
By doing it herself. 273
They say a man is never fully-dressed 274
without two important accessories. 275
His special lady... 276
and his Strücker. 277
Strücker. He'll make time for you. 280
Glad I don't have to follow this guy. 281
Huh? What? 282
Oh, but you're gonna be great. 283
What time is it now? 284
Mmm, two minutes after the last time you asked. 285
I don't know where he could be. 286
Oh, is that him? 287
Well, it looks like he's got a little hitch in his giddy-up. 288
Wanda, my little cabbage, you look smashing! 289
Vis. 290
Where have you been? 291
Uh, well, me and the boys were playing 292
a rather thrilling game of horses with shoes. 293
No, that's not it. 294
Shoe horses! No. 295
Ah! Horse's shoes. 296
Listen, something strange happened with Dottie. 297
Well, something strange happened before that, too. 298
It's hard to explain. 299
I was just playing with his shoes. 300
What is going on? 301
You are! 302
I want to thank you all for coming out 303
to support Westview Elementary, "For the children." 304
"For the children." 305
And for our final act... 306
I give you, Wanda and Vision. 308
Hey! Hey! You're up, Cowboy! 309
What? 310
Oh! Yeah! I've to go! 311
Hello, Westview! Good afternoon. 312
It's so lovely to be... 313
I'm so sorry. Excuse me. 314
I am Glamour 315
and this is my delightful assistant, Illusion. 316
I am Glamour and he's Illusion. 317
Yeah, what she said. 318
Today, we will lie to you 319
and yet you will believe our little deceptions 320
because human beings are easily fooled 321
due to their limited 322
understanding of the inner workings of the universe. 323
Flourish! 324
You just do it, you don't say it out loud, honey. 325
And now my wife and I will delight 326
in your dumbstruck little faces. 327
Flourish! 328
Ha! See there? He's using a rope. 329
Wanda, what's... Oh, no! Oh! No! Wanda, please! 330
Darling, let me down! 331
I'm feeling pukey! 332
Uh, what's next? 333
Oh! Yeah, this is... This is gonna be great! 334
A staggering feat of strength. 335
Illusion... 336
Illusion, Master of Enigma, allow me. 337
What? 338
You weren't supposed to see how we did that trick. 339
That was my grandmother's piano. 340
Oh, Sherbert! Yeah, this is my old mate, Sherbert. 341
Stand up, Sherbert. Say hello to the crowd. 342
It's Herbert, Herb. 343
Pipe down, Sherbie, and pick a card. Any card. 344
Yeah, put it back in the deck. 345
I'm not looking. All right. Watch this. 346
Is this your card? 347
Uh, no. 348
I beg to differ. 349
Really? Is this your card? 350
Vision... 351
Is this your card? Is this your card? 352
Is this your card? Is this your card? 353
Is this your card? 354
Argh! Is this your card? Is this your card? 355
- No. No. No. No. - Is this your card? 356
Is this your card? Is this your card? 357
Is this your card? 358
Oh, it is! 359
It is what? 360
It's my card. 361
Well, pardon me, Herb. Have it back. 362
Oh, no, you did the trick right. 363
Well, of course I did the trick right! I'm Illusion! 364
Flourish! 365
And now, for my next trick... 366
Oh, goodness me. 367
Who stole my hat? 368
Oh! Oh, stop that rabbit! 369
I gotta need to pull a hat out of it. 370
Senor Scratchy's got real star quality, don't you think? 371
Maybe we leave the poor bunny out this one, shall we? 372
Well then, I will just have to pull this hat... 373
...out of myself. 374
Vision, no. 375
I'm doin' it. 376
If only you all knew our secret. 377
Is that how mirrors work? 378
Shut up, Bev. 380
And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our grand finale. 381
I bring you, The Magnet of Crysteries! 382
The Cabinet of Mysteries! 383
Yeah, yeah. What she said. 385
I will now make my wife... 386
...disappear. 387
Are you sure you don't want 388
an audience volunteer named "My husband Ralph?" 389
No. Abracadabra! 390
- Uh, sweetheart? - Yeah? 391
Hi. 392
What's in the box? 393
What's in the box? What's in the box? What's in the box? 394
Yeah, what's in the box? 395
What's in the box? What's in the box? 396
What's in the box? What's in the box? 397
Oh, yes! 398
Flourish. 399
Let's get outta here. 400
Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. 401
- I'm so stupid. - Vis? Vis, it's all right. 402
It's all right. It's all right. It's all right. 403
But what is going on with you? 404
I have no idea. I've been feeling weirdy all day. 405
Okay. Okay. Okay. 406
Would you look at that? 407
That really gummed up my works, didn't it? 408
I'm not as funny without it, am I? 409
Well, you're back to yourself and that's all I care about. 410
Now, let's get out of here before Dottie 411
and the planning committee string us up for ruining the show. 413
You two, stop right there. 414
Nothing like what you two just did up here 415
has ever happened in the history of our talent show. 416
Dottie, we are so... 417
Hilarious. 418
That was the most hilarious act we've ever seen. 419
Wouldn't you all agree? 420
Yeah. 421
Oh, yes. 422
You two, come on up. Come on. 424
On behalf of the planning committee, 425
I would like to award you 426
with the inaugural Comedy Performance of the Year. 427
Oh, thank you. 428
I have to ask. 429
One second, I'm backstage and in the next, 430
I'm in a dark cubby hole. 431
How'd you do it? 432
Oh, a magician never reveals his secrets. 433
He leaves that to his assistant. 434
And she's not talking. 435
I had a feeling you'd say that. 436
"For the children!" 437
"For the children!" 438
You were tremendous, Glamour. 439
As were you, Illusion. 440
I don't know what I was so worried about. 441
It wasn't so hard to fit in after all. 442
And all we had to do was be ourselves. 443
Well, with a few modifications. 444
- And it was all for the children. - For the children. 445
Well, I think the children might need some popcorn. 446
Wanda. 447
Hmm, what? 448
Vision... Is this really happening? 449
Yes, my love. 450
It's really happening. 451
If it's that damn tree again, 452
I am going to rip it out by the roots! 453
I don't see anything. 454
What is that? 455
Wanda. 456
No. 457
Vision... Is this really happening? 458
Yes, my love. 459
It's really happening. 460
Vision... 461
Wanda? Who's doing this to you, Wanda? 462
Wanda?