災難大電影 Disaster MOVIE 此片是惡搞界的集大成製作， 惡搞了最近大量的最近的美國 電影，部分小弟看過的會給出提示 不過好多沒看過就不知道了，看過 的朋友肯定能體會，總之，超級搞笑
本片中文字幕由楊昌榮先生翻譯，版權歸漂亮的老婆 張紅雲和兒子楊若天，商業使用授權費每次謹收 一千萬美元或者5瓶啤酒，批發有95折優惠，ycr1971@tom.com聯絡
10,001年以前(史前一萬年-惡搞)
哦，該死 Oh, shit.
你這該死的野蠻人 You just got Wolfed.
什麼？我的地盤我做主 - What？- That is an official trademark...
這地方，我已經到國土局註冊了 ...that I am getting registered.
所有材料我都上報了，你要進入這個區域 It's a lot of stuff you gotta do, hoops you gotta jump through.
必須先通過互聯網 Gotta get on the Internet.
去到傻逼網先註冊成為一個網名 Gotta go to some stupid-ass website where you register a catch phrase.
我喜歡「騙子」，但已經被Emril搶注了 I wanted "Bam,"but Emeril had taken it.
來練練，男人，起來，男人，起來，男人 I'm rambling, man. Get up, man. Get up, man.
準備好開始決鬥了嗎？ Is the contender ready？
好了，準備好開始決鬥了嗎 - Ready.- Is the gladiator ready？
3，2，1 Three, two, one.
這野人開始進入狀態了 Things are heating up for the Wolf.
我剛剛開發了一個綠色食品項目 I just opened a Target in Reseda...
有自己的商標BBQ美味醬 ...and my own brand of BBQ sauce.
我叫它野人BBQ美味醬，是旅行居家之良品 I'm calling it Wolf's BBQ Sauce, available in regular and chipotle.
你還想要嗎？再多來點嗎？ You still going？ You still want more of this, man？
我從東部大陸引進這些產品 I learned that in Oriental land.
哦，美利堅合眾國 Whoa, yeah. U.S. A!
無論如何，這些產品膽固醇都很低 They're so small anyway, from steroids.
一個長牙族 A saber-tooth.
酒館Amy？（沒看過） Amy Winehouse？
快滾蛋 Piss off.
你別想帶著你的馬子直接走出這裡 You don't wanna mess with a bitch straight out of rehab.
聽著，就像恐龍在冰河期那樣滅絕一樣 Listen, like the dinosaurs being destroyed by the Ice Age...
你們，也會很快絕種 ...you, too, will soon be extinct.
什麼時候？ When？
我們還有多少時間？該死的地獄 - How much time do we have？ - Bloody hell.
冷靜一下，你看你說話這麼快.. Just calm down. Do you know you're speaking so fast...
我聽不見了，夥計？你讓我頭痛了 ...I can't even hear, mate？ You're making my head hurt.
也許是我汽油喝多了 Or maybe that was the gasoline I drank.
哦，天哪，真過癮，哦天哪，我愛汽油 Oh, my God, it was good. Oh, God, I love drinking gasoline.
對聲帶很有好處 It's excellent for the vocal cords.
是我的小秘密 That's my little secret.
別客氣，我們還有多少時間？ - You're welcome. - How much time do we have？
讓我看看 Let me see.
等一下下 Hang on a bit.
我來看看 There we go.
好的，讓我們來搜一下 All right, let's have a look-see.
人人都這個表情 Everyone's on Facebook.
上面說... It says...
...世界末日是2008年8月29號 ...that the end of the world will be August 29th, 28.
哦，天哪 Oh, God.
乾杯 Bottoms up.
想嘔 Sick.
記著我的話，小野人 Mark my words, leather boy.
穴居人 Cave dweller.
小獵人 Beaver hunter.
你們的末日，是它帶來的（惡搞水晶人頭骨） Your doom lies with this.
水晶人頭骨，對了，你感覺緊張嗎？ - The crystal skull. - That's right. Did your nibblies go tight？
對，他們幹的，他們讓它長在你體內，不是嗎？ Yeah, they did. Just went up inside you, didn't they？
哦，夥計 Oh, boy.
我知道，我肯定是吃太多Ambien了 I knew I shouldn't have taken all those Ambien.
Amy，醒醒，寶貝，我剛到做了個奇怪的夢 Amy. Wake up, baby.I just had the weirdest dream.
Amy.
什麼？什麼來的..？ What？ What the...？
Flava-Flav! Yeah, boy!
我剛才給了你女朋友一個Flavor的愛 I've been giving your girl the flavor of love.
她整晚上吸我的鬧鐘 She's been sucking my clock all night long.
快他媽滾出去，Flava？ Get the hell out of here, Flava!
我是Flava-Flav I'm Flava-Flav!
怎麼回事？什麼？ - What is that about？- What？
你說你不想和我發生關係 You said you didn't wanna be in a relationship.
我知道，但是Flava？ I know, but Flava？
Will...
我想去到另一個層次 ...I wanna take it to the next level.
我愛你 I love you.
我也喜歡你 I like you too.
Oh, man.
瞧，你還不明白 Look, you don't understand.
我想這個世界末日快到了 I think the world is coming to an end.
就是說，你對此負有責任 That's a way of saying you have commitment issues.
難以置信，起來，Jojo Unbelievable. Come on, Jojo.
還有Jojo？ You're taking Jojo？
再見 Goodbye, Will.
你還會來我的16歲甜蜜派對嗎？ Are you still coming to my Sweet 16 party？
你25了 You're 25.
我還沒到呢，長大吧 - I never had one. - Grow up.
Yeah.
- Hey. - Yeah.
Amy,你來了 Amy, you came.
過來 Come on.
Oh, hey, Will.
甜蜜16快樂，謝謝 - Happy Sweet 16.- Thanks.
給你來給過癮的 Take a look at these.
哦，天哪 Oh, God.
嗨，Will,我是你的哥們，Phil醫生(好像是沉默的羔羊裡的) Hey, Will. It's your buddy, Dr. Phil.
嗨，讓我給你展示為什麼我們黑幫的兄弟 Hey, let me show you why my frat brothers...
曾經叫我Phil醫生 ...used to call me Dr. Phil-You-Up.
Oh, hey, baby.
同性戀，回來，我喜歡粗暴 Dyke. Come back here, I like it rough.
嗨，will,你女朋友去哪兒了，Amy？ Hey, Will, where's that girlfriend of yours, Amy？
別讓她跑了 Don't let her get away.
她的確是個好女孩，真正的管家婆，就像這個 She's a real quality girl, a real keeper, like that one.
嗨，快回來，你這蕩婦 Hey, come on back here, you whore.
謝謝 Thanks.
Yo!
來打扮一下這個小屁眼，他暈過去了 Let's prank his ass. He passed out.
睡的像個嬰兒（惡搞老無所依－08奧斯卡） He's sleeping like a baby.
我們能幫他弄點熱水（惡搞老無所依－08奧斯卡） We can put his hands in warm water.
我有個好主意 Or I have a better idea.
叫醒他，反面 - Call it. - Tails.
是反面 It is tails.
打孔 Punch.
怎麼了，寶貝？ What's up, baby？
那些傢伙想偷我的酒 Those guys are trying to steal our booze.
什麼？我們必須準備很多酒 - What？ - We gotta get the alcohol...
...把那些女孩灌醉，這樣我們就和她們睡（惡搞男孩不壞） ...so we can get the girls drunk so we can finally get laid.
我是McLover I am McLover.
哦，知道。我是Mclover - Yeah, I know.- I am McLover.
別講這些噁心的事，我是Mclover - Stop saying that.- I am McLover.
天哪，你真是掃興 God, you are such a douche.
耶，假ID，什麼？ Yeah, fake ID, what？
快拿酒 Just get the booze.
沒人敢偷我的酒 Nobody tries to steal my Goldschl鋑er.
射了他算了 Shoot the target.
Lisa,我怎麼射啊？太多人擋住視線 Lisa, how am I supposed to do that？ I don't even have a clear shot.
讓子彈拐彎，說什麼？（古墓麗影*好像是） - Curve the bullet.- Say what？
你能控制子彈，按照你想的路線行進（古墓麗影？） You can control the bullet to go wherever you want.
別對他指手畫腳，他是我馬子 Don't tell him what to do. He's my man.
彈開，婊子，你別想攔著我 Back off, bitch. You don't want none of me.
該死的 Shit.
Get off of me.
起來，婊子 Come on, bitch.
看這招，婊子 Take that, bitch.
喜歡這樣嗎？ How do you like that？
漂亮的小東西，哦，看看你躺的樣子 Pretty little thing. Oh, look at you laying there.
我應該親親你，給我一個吻吧，寶貝 I should kiss you. Give me a kiss, baby.
放腳，黃色 Left foot, yellow.
Calvin？
Calvin.
你想想不想讓子彈拐彎？你好？ - Are you gonna curve the bullet or what？ - Hello？
是，是，對，對 Yeah. Yeah, right, right.
一個醫學團隊，那就是為什麼你要泡我，Horny There's a medical term for what you do to me: Horny.
該死，對不起，Phil - Damn. - Sorry, Phil.
該死，我能...我能做這個 Shit. I can... I can do this.
該死，快點，夥計 - Shit. Hurry up. - Dude.
只不過讓子彈拐彎 Just curve the bullet.
我知道你有這個能力 I know you have the power.
他媽的快點，快點 Fucking hurry up. Hurry up.
好槍法，屁眼 Nice shot, asshole.
Juney,為什麼你不去做人工流產？ Juney, why won't you Have an abortion？
你違法了基督教的教義 You're not exactly part of The Christian Coalition
那是我生命裡唯一的希望 I could just grab a wire hanger And do it myself
就想Jamie Lynn Spears我要保住這孩子 Like Jamie Lynn Spears I'm keeping this baby
看，你沒有了George Clooney And, look, stud You are no George Clooney
事實上，我把孩子在eBay上賣給了出價最高的人 In fact, I just sold the baby To the highest bidder on eBay
你是個瘋婆，像個30幾的大嬸.. You're a sarcastic teen Who talks like she's 30...
想想Amy今晚過來沒有？哥們，不知道 - Think Amy's coming tonight？ - Man, I don't know.
那是你的女朋友 That's your girlfriend.
其實，我們分手了 Actually, we broke up.
哦，你應該去搶個新的戰利品 Oh, you want some new booty.
一個亞洲小妹，不 - A little Asian freak. - No...
一個「曼谷之夜」，一個sake-sake（日本妞） A little "One Night in Bangkok," a little sake-sake.
我看過「藝妓回憶錄」，我知道很過癮 I saw Memoirs of a Geisha. I know that shit goes on.
我愛她 I'm in love with her.
那麼你這屁眼為什麼和她分手？ Then what your dumb ass break up with her for？
我們從來沒做過愛 It never would've worked out.
就為這事，她感到受了傷害 It's better to end it than to end up hurting her.
你知道為什麼？你要有承諾，死狗 You know what？ You got commitment issues, dog.
哦，我不確定該怎麼讓自己長大 Well, I didn't exactly have the best example growing up.
我甚至沒見過我老爸，我還小他就離開了 I never even knew my dad. He split when I was young.
你馬子剛好在哪兒 That's your girl right there.
她帶的那小子是誰？ Who's that dude she with？
她開始和CalvinKlein，一個內衣模特約會 She started dating some Calvin Klein underwear model.
忘了她吧，哥們，我給你點開心的東西 Forget about her, man. I got something that'll cheer you up.
惡搞-青春歌舞
哥們，怎麼會有軍樂隊？ Dude, what is up with the marching band？
多好的方式來慶祝你這傻瓜的甜蜜16歲.. What better way to celebrate your super-duper Sweet 16...
比高中校園音樂強多了 ...than with a high school musical？
今晚，今晚，我們要真的快樂 Tonight, tonight We're gonna get real crunk
今晚，今晚，要打得屁滾尿流 Tonight, tonight, A bum's peeing in the punch
你好，我的朋友們，你們都在派對 Hello, my friends You're all at my party
看你們大家多開心 It's so good to see all of you
我的超級女孩，Amy,我們的男主角，Calvin My ex-girl, Amy And my main man, Calvin
連牧師都也來騷擾我 And the priest that molested me too
這一刻提醒我，我是個大學生 That reminds me Of the time I was in college
我做試驗 I was experimenting
釣上一個外國交換生 Hooking up with a hot Foreign-exchange student
我想她的名字叫Hop Sing I think his name was Hop Sing
我們永遠是朋友 We'll all be friends forever
不如來給天災，毀了這個城市 Unless a random disaster Destroys the city
我們永遠是朋友 We'll all be friends forever
因為要是發生了，我將非常勇敢 Because if that happened It'd be kind of shitty
1，2，3，4 One, two, three, four
當我們分手，我找到這些真正硬漢 After we split I took the break-up real hard
我要開始干到處遊蕩，到處遊蕩 - I started foolin' around - Foolin' around
我釣上一個黑小子，我想他叫Kanye I did a black dude I thought he was Kanye
Jonas的兄弟們都下來了 And the Jonas Brothers all got down
現在你們分開，我要讓她的漁船收網了 Now that you're split I'll get her hooked on the reefer
耶，我要開始給她這個 Yeah, I'll start pimping her out
等等，什麼？ - Wait, what？ - Hey, hey, now.
我現在要好好修整一下 Snoop Dogg's got nothin' on this playa
我將要得到第一個大獎，在Playa's Ball I'll get the first prize at the Playa's Ball
Hey, hey, man, whoa!
開始吧，我們能整天這樣 Yeah, it's going on and on We can do it all day long
那是個新現象 It's the new phenomenon, whoa!
開始了，那是個新現象 Yeah, it's going on and on It's the new phenomenon
我們永遠是朋友 We'll all be friends forever
不如發生個天災，毀了這個城市 Unless a random disaster Destroys the city
我們永遠是朋友 We'll all be friends forever
要是發生了，我們會很勇敢 Because if that happened It'd be kind of shitty
1，2，3，4 One, two, three, four
J.T.'s 在這兒. J. T!
Oh, babe
要是我的歌聲動聽 If I sang you a melody
就把你的短褲扔過來（惡搞變相怪傑－金凱瑞） Would you toss me Your panties？
我不是個自誇的人 I don't mean to be a boastful man
我跟著音樂旋轉我的舞姿 But I've done groupies in my touring van
Britney, Cameron, Scarlett too
他們都喜歡品嚐我的奶酪 They all like a taste of my fondue
來吧想想看，我有個這麼大的屁股 Come to think of it I've had so much ass
都離開了我，Lance Bass All that's left for me is Lance Bass
看，各位，是Jessica Simpson Look, everyone. It's Jessica Simpson.
我的大波是給Jesus的 My boobs are for Jesus
全給他，全是Jesus的 All of this, all for Jesus
把你的短褲穿上，爸爸 Put your pants back on, Dad.
走，Romo!哦，我的天， Go, Romo! Oh, my God.他們一定是籃球選手 He's gonna score a basket goal.
等等，為什麼還要叫？哦，糟糕，我都忘詞了 Wait. What's it called again？ Oh, my gosh, I totally forget.
是什麼，按摩？ What is it, a rubdown？
什麼？罰球 What？ A tickle down.
哦，觸地得分 Oh, a touchdown.
操你媽的 Frigging jinx.
糟糕 Gosh.
我們永遠是朋友 We'll all be friends forever
不如讓來個天災，毀滅這個城市 Unless a random disaster Destroys the city
我們永遠都是朋友 We'll all be friends forever
如何發生，我們會很勇敢 Because if that happened It'd be kind of shitty
1，2，3，4，萬歲 One, two, three, four, hooray!
發生了什麼？ What's going on？
那是他媽的什麼？ What the hell was that？
這是緊急警報 This is an emergency broadcast.
閉嘴，各位，聽著 Shut up, everybody. Listen.
有東西在搖晃這個城市 Something has jolted the city.
我們得到報告，可能發生地震或其他類似災難 We're getting reports it could be an earthquake or some shit like that.
哦，見鬼 Oh, shit.
地震專家找到了地震中心，在trendy loft區 Seismologists have marked the epicenter at a trendy loft district...
哪裡吸引了很多二十幾歲的人 ...whose residents are attractive twenty somethings...
用80年代的破音樂在跳舞 ...who dance to bad '80s music...
穿著Abercrombie & Fitch衣服，好像還喝Lingt啤酒 ...wear Abercrombie & Fitch, and like to drink light beer.
哦，天哪，我們都會死 Oh, God, we're all gonna die!
別失態，Fabio Take a Xanax, Fabio.
你是個硬漢，充滿男子氣 You're wigging harder than a smack addict at an Iggy show circa '73.
什麼？ What？
It's cool, Moe Dee. Sir Cries-a-Lot.
你完全讓我感到噁心 You're totally giving me the stink eye.
據說，你那東西很大 FYI, Battlecrotch Galactica...
你那東西比Cornelius的硬 ...you're grape smuggling harder than Cornelius...
在人猿星球，最原始的，不像Tim Burton' ...in Planet of the Apes. The original, not Tim Burton's.
在BT-dubs，我曾經看見一個紙箱像這樣 And BT-dubs, I haven't seen a six-pack like that...
自從我和Molson幹了那個事 ...since I shotgunned Molson Golden at Lollapalooza.
我不你在說什麼 I don't understand a thing you're saying.
那是因為我說，過渡的寫，過渡聰明就是愚蠢 That's because I speak in overly written, clever-for-clever's-sake quips.
該讓這海猴子喝醉了 Time to get this sea monkey plastered.
這是緊急警報 This is an emergency broadcast.
Amy,你沒事吧？ - Amy. Are you okay？ - Yeah.
為什麼你要帶其他人來我的派對？ Why did you bring another guy to my party？
為什麼你要在乎？因為 - Why do you care？ - Because I...
我不允許 I don't.
那我走了 I'm out of here.
再見，婊子 Later, bitch.
你知道嗎，Will？ You know what, Will？
每次我們做愛，我腦子裡都是想著其他人 Every time we made love, I was thinking about another guy.
哦，是我吧 Well, so was I.
該死。Will - Damn it. - Will!
你要聽聽這個 You gotta hear this.
地震主要是釋放出毒氣，已經摧毀了猶太區 The quake erupted a gas main and destroyed the ghetto.
我還活著，哦，不 - I can live with that. - Oh, hell, no.
混蛋，我們現在又有報告.. - Cracker. - We're now getting reports...
外星飛船出現在天空 ...that asteroids are falling out of the sky and...
世界末日了 End of the world.
城市剛剛被摧毀 And a Pinkberry has just been destroyed.
和我夢裡的一樣 It's like my dream.
我報告，一個城市剛剛被摧毀 I repeat, a Pinkberry has just been destroyed.
惡搞世界大戰
上帝，到底發生了他媽的什麼？ God, what the hell's happening？
我想是天兆，在聖經的Armageddon篇章 - I think it's the apocalypse. - It's Armageddon.
我想我只是在騙自己 I think I just shit myself.
快跑 Let's go.
哦，上帝，Hannah Montana死翹翹了 Oh, my God. Hannah Montana's dead.
哦，不 Oh, no.
再見了，我的粉絲們 Well, goodbye, all my fans.
繼續搖擺 Keep rocking.
她是個國寶 She is a national treasure!
還要，提醒我父母.. Also, remind your parents...
收好我的官方Hannah Montana午餐合 ...to pick up your official Hannah Montana lunchbox...
Hannah Montana乾酪板 ...Hannah Montana cheese grater...
Hannah Montana衛生紙 ...and Hannah Montana toilet paper.
記得收聽我的蒙大拿夏季音樂會 And be sure to tune in to my Summer in Montana concert...
這個星期三，中間八排七座 ...this Wednesday, 8, 7 Central.
為了買這兩張票我排了兩天的隊 I waited in line for two days for these tickets.
該死 Damn.
還有，我那些非常性感和暴露的照片 And let me just say, those totally sexy and utterly provocative pictures of me...
在未經我許可的情況下，從我的個人空間被流出 ...were leaked onto MySpace completely without my permission.
但你留意這些照片 But if you'll notice in those pictures...
我穿的新的性感的 ...I'm wearing my new line of sexy...
Hannah Montana貼身內衣，就是今天採訪這件 ...Hannah Montana lingerie, now available at Target.
哦，上帝，Hannah Montana其實是的Miley Cyrus Oh, my God. Hannah Montana is really Miley Cyrus.
哦，媽的，私家偵探 Well, duh. No shit, Sherlock.
我戴著假髮，改變我的聲音溫柔點 All I do is wear a wig and change my voice a little bit...
那些啞巴說不出有什麼不同 ...and those dumb kids can't tell the difference.
然後我得到雙倍的工資和實物 Then I get twice the pay and twice the merchandise.
記住，我的新CD馬上要出版了 Just a reminder, my new CD comes out.
Miley Cyrus: 未成年.
現在在商店裡能買到，重要的歌曲是我爸爸寫的，Billy Ray It's available in stores now. Featuring songs from my dad, Billy Ray.
僅售9.95元 Only 9.95.
大家能幫助我們一下嗎？ Can somebody help us？
有誰能幫幫忙嗎？ Isn't there anybody that can help？
嘿，漢克(全民超人惡搞) Hey, Hancock.
漢克 Hancock？
我們需要幫助 We need help.
醒醒，你這個醉鬼 Wake up, you drunk mother fucker.
讓你的大屁股起來，飛起來，去幹該干的（全民超人惡搞） Get your punk ass up, fly down there, and fix that shit.
小屁眼 Asshole!
哦，駭，不 Oh, hell, no.
大威力要離開這裡 Big Willie's out of here.
我需要再喝點 I need a drink.
後天－惡搞
偉大的狗屎 Holy shit!
走這邊，我們該怎麼辦？ - It's coming this way. - What should we do？
過來，夥計們，快離開這兒，快跑 - Come on, guys. Let's get out of here. - Let's go!
走這兒，去那邊，快，快點 This way. Over here. Come on. Come on.
走，走，走 Go, go, go.
我們現在該怎麼辦？寶貝，我不知道 - What are we gonna do now？ - Baby, I don't know.
看，我們只是 。。 Look, we'll just...
我們應該待在這兒，直到暴風雪過去 We'll wait out the storm here until it passes by.
Hey.
這是我們的藏身之所 This is our hiding place.
迷路了，對嗎，Carrie Get lost. Right, Carrie？
你好，愛人 Hello, lover.
除非你想打架 Unless you wanna fight.
看，我們不想惹什麼麻煩 Look, we don't want any trouble.
我決不放棄主張 I never back down.
有點，就像你看到的，我已經這樣了 - Get some. - As you can see, I already did.
於是我想，那個紐約女孩能像我 And so I thought: Could a simple New York City gal like me...
真的去打一個年輕的孕婦呢？今人吃驚 ...really beat the shit out of a pregnant teenager？ I wonder.
就像Dolph Lundgren在Rocky4里一樣，我必須扁你 Like Dolph Lundgren in Rocky IV, I must break you.
好的，行 - Yes! - Yeah!
我正分泌乳汁 I'm lactating. Moo.
哦，上帝 Oh, God.
那時你的腳？對 - Is that your feet？ - Yeah.
這是我寶寶的腳 And this is my baby's foot.
聞聞它 Smell it.
再嘗一嘗 And taste it.
再吸吸我的胎盤 Suck on my placenta.
- Yeah! - Oh, Carrie.
Carrie, 親愛的，你沒事吧？ Carrie, darling, are you all right？
過來，女士們，我們現在離開這兒 Come on, ladies. Let's get out of here now.
到底發生了他們的什麼事？不知道 - What the hell's going on？ - I don't know.
醒醒吧，清清思路 Wake up and smell the Prius.
我想有點難以理解，但是它叫做全球變暖 I know it's an inconvenient truth, but it's called global warming.
不，不，不是全球變暖 No. No, it's not global warming.
酒館Amy進入到我的夢裡 Amy Winehouse came to me in my dreams...
在我擊敗一個美國搏擊手後 ...after I fought an American Gladiator.
我想那個水晶人頭骨開始起作用了 I think it has something to do with the crystal skull...
醒醒，那個傻瓜酒館？水晶人頭骨 Come on. Crackhead Winehouse？ Crystal skull？
你說的就像個瘋子 You sound like a crazy man.
看，現在天色晚了，我們今晚就待在這兒，等暴風雪過去 Look, it's getting late. Let's just stay here tonight and wait out the storm.
我太冷了 I'm freezing.
我們必須脫掉衣服 We gotta take off our clothes.
什麼？我們大家要抱在一起取暖 - What？ - Our bodies will keep each other warm.
否則，我們沒法撐過今晚 Otherwise, we're not gonna make it through the night.
Yeah. Yeah.
他是對的，來吧 He's right. Come on.
我想我的水要流出來了 I think my water's gonna break.
對不起 Sorry.
看，我有話和你說，我其實不是銀行家 Look, I have something to tell you. I'm not really a banker.
我是個跳越者，一個什麼？ - I'm a jumper.- A what？
我能通過心靈的力量穿過時間和空間 I can teleport through time and space.
時空駭客-惡搞
我希望我們永遠在一起 I hope we stay together forever.
我愛你 I love you.
回頭見 Later.
我是Prince Caspian, here to save Narni，來這裡拯救Prince Caspian, here to save Narnia.
小小的幫助？ Little help？
夥計？ You guys？
這傢伙阻止了星球大戰 It's the guy who ruined Star Wars.
什麼？Will ,我們看見你做夢了 - What？ - Will, we saw your dream.
哦，夥計，Amy搞得你神志不清 - Oh, man. - Man, you messed shit up with Amy.
有個幸運女孩肯和你說話 You're lucky a girl like that would even talk to you.
她火辣，性感，有份工作 She's hot, sexy. She got a job.
哥們，那女孩退出你的生活了，她沒退出 - Man, that girl out your league. - She's not out of my league.
見鬼，她要聞你的口臭 Shit, she gotta put up with your stank breath.
沒提到你反常的連背大屁股 Not to mention your abnormally high plumber's crack.
傻瓜，穿上衣服 Man, put your shirt down.
好吧，你是對的，你是對的，我被Amy搞亂了 All right. You're right, you're right. I messed up with Amy.
我永遠不想讓她走 I never should've let her go.
耶穌基督啊，這是餘震吧 Jesus Christ. That was a rump shaker.
OK,有個計劃，我們必須他媽的逃出這個城市 Okay, here's the plan. We gotta get the hell up out this city.
你說什麼？ What you say？
你們幹嘛他媽的要離開我？ What the hell y'all doing leaving me？
一直走，各位，什麼也別看 Keep it moving, people. Nothing to see.
所有災難都過去了，這個城市安全了 All the disasters have been contained. The city is secure.
該死 Shit.
噁心 Sick.
就像我說的，繼續走，一切都在控制之中 Like I said, keep moving. It's under control.
我也要跑了 I'm out of here.
那是什麼？是個人頭，人頭 - What was that？ - That was a head. That was a head.
你好？誰的頭？ - Hello？- Whose head？
你好，Will,是我 - Hello？ - Will, it's me.
Amy，你在哪兒？ Amy, where are you？
我在博物館工作，我被這些史前怪物麻煩死了 I'm at work at the museum. I was worried about the artifacts.
你沒事吧？我很害怕 - Are you okay？- I'm scared.
肯定會沒事的，我保證，聽著 It's gonna be all right, I promise. Listen.
這兒發生了些事我必須告訴你... There is something that I need to tell you...
我早就該告訴你，我是個白癡 ...and I should've told you long before. I was an idiot.
我愛你 I love you.
哦，寶貝，我也愛你 Oh, baby, I love you too.
什麼..？你說什麼？你還一直愛我嗎？ What do...？ What do you say？ Do you still love me？
是的，是的，當然，是的 Yes, yes, of course, yes.
說話啊 Say something.
說話啊，你牛逼什麼，婊子 Say something, you stuck-up bitch.
臭屁眼 Asshole.
你好？你好,Amy？ Hello？ Hello, Amy？
該死 Shit.
哦，什麼..？ Oh, what the...？
我們必須回去，說什麼？ - We gotta go back. - Say what？
Amy有麻煩了，我要回去找她 Amy's in trouble.I'm going back for her.
之前我讓她走了，我不想再失去她 I let her go before. I'm not losing her again.
哥們，你瘋了，這個城市到處都是危險 Man, you crazy. There's all kinds of shit breaking out in the city.
我們現在不走，大家都會死的 We don't leave right now, we're gonna die.
那我自己去 It's something I gotta do.
你們大家繼續走 You guys keep going.
不，我是你死黨，哥們，我和你一起回去 No, I'm your boy, man. I'm gonna roll with you.
哦，我的意思，我已經筋疲力盡.. Yeah, I mean, I'm already knocked up...
所以，什麼其他惡作劇我能真的參與呢？ ...so, what other shenanigans can I really get into？
我的意思是，我挺著個大肚子.. I mean, I'm more bloated than Vince Vaughn in The Break-Up...
Vince Vaughn的身材輕巧 ...or Vince Vaughn in Fred Claus...
我猜Vince Vaughn會沒事的 ...or I guess Vince Vaughn in general.
那麼走吧，好，謝謝 - So let's go. - Yeah, please.
Lisa,快來 Lisa, come on.
不，各位，過來，寶貝 - No, guys. - Come on, baby.
我真的有不祥的預感 I really have a bad feeling about this.
Lisa!
Lisa死翹翹了 They killed Lisa!
Lisa!回來，回來 - Lisa!- Come on, come on.
Lisa死了，你冷靜，走，走，我們快走 - They killed Lisa! You bastards! - Come on, come on. We gotta go.
過來 Come on.
我真的為你女友的死難過，煮飯婆（外號） I'm really sorry about your girlfriend, home skillet.
她操持你的家務，任勞任怨 Lo ciento about your main squeeze, kemosabe.
Lisa是個好女孩 Lisa was a great girl.
lisa，誰？ Lisa who？
哦，我在哪裡？ Oh, where am I？
哦，多麼迷人的地方啊 Oh, what an enchanting place.
我聞到了很香的肉味 It smells like meat and stress.
太美了 Wonderful.
你是多麼神奇的動物啊! What magical creature are you？
我親愛的王子 My dear prince
你救了我，你把我抱在懷裡 You have rescued me You've caught me in your arms
事實上，你正坐在我的球上 Actually, you landed on my balls
讓我猜猜 Let me guess.
一個邪惡的巫婆把你從童話王國流放出來，對嗎？ An evil witch banished you from your fairy-tale kingdom？
不，我無知的，蒼白的，奇怪的小閨女 No, my silly, pasty, quirky teen.
事實上，我只是可憐的無家可歸的，生活在下水道的小姑娘 Actually, I'm just a demented homeless chick who lives in the sewers.
你怎麼到了哪兒？毒品 - How'd you end up there？- Drugs.
很多，很多，很多... Lots and lots and lots...
思想改變，美妙的毒品 ...of mind-altering, enchanting drugs!
我沒法判斷 I don't judge.
哪兒很危險 It's dangerous out there.
要是你想活下去，應該和我們在一起 You might wanna come with us if you wanna live.
好吧 - Okay. - All right.
再見，哦，我要和你在一起，對，你應該 - Goodbye. Oh, I'm going with you. - Yes, you are.
自然歷史博物館在下一個街區，我們走吧 The Natural History Museum is just uptown. Let's go.
夢和仙女的故事，我的真愛 Dreams and fairy tales My true love
和松鼠說話，魔法 Talking squirrels and magic and stuff
不，公主，等等，你要去哪裡？ No, princess, wait. Where are you going？
這些流氓是誰？ And who's that Moorish ruffian？
我是她的新任男友，你想幹什麼？ I'm her new boyfriend. What it do？
非常好，黑人農夫，我是王子Edwin Very funny, dark peasant. I'm Prince Edwin.
公主，你馬子？哦，老天爺，是的 - Princess, he your pimp？ - Oh, good heavens, yes.
但是沒事，兩個都要，馬子和男友 But that's all right. I could have a pimp and a boyfriend.
哦，這是幹什麼？ Oh, what to do？
你們可以決鬥，我跟贏的那個 Whichever prince can vanquish the other shall win my hand.
你站好位了嗎？ You ready to step up？
等等，你意思是第一步是。。。 Wait. You mean like the first Step Up movie...
你是從舞蹈學校來的嗎？ ...where the street-dancer dude went to the dance academy？
不，我更多的思考第二步 No, I was thinking more like Step Up 2...
輸的傻瓜要回到舞蹈學校去 ...when the tough street-dancing chick went to dancing academy.
我懂你的意思 I feel you.
他和我鉚上了，Juney,Will,我要他死無藏身之地，寶貝 He ain't ready for me. Juney, Will, I'm about to break him down, baby.
你要這個？好，你來 You want some？ Well, here you go.
哦，熱舞？ Oh, a hoedown？
瘋狂上衣男 It's crazy-shirt man.
哦，不，不，不 Oh, no, no, no.
是我的袖子 It's just my sleeve.
哦，來吧 Oh, come on.
他兩個來，誰怕誰？ He's double-jointed. Who cares about that？
那肯定是個經典，不管到哪兒 There must be a mirror somewhere.
來試試，來試試 Make some room. Make some room.
來試試 Make some room.
來呀，大肚子，ok - Come on, chubby. - Okay.
什麼？什麼？什麼？ What？ What？ What？
哦，該死，吸引了所以目光 Oh, damn, that ho is all on point.
這婊子幹的好，她是天才 That bitch better work. She is off the chizzain.
我想她該戴王冠 I think she's crowning.
我想跳舞 I want to dance.
我不確定我能行，我不確定 I'm not sure I can though. I'm not sure.
別給我壓力 L... Don't pressure me!
準備好了 I'm ready.
哦，看那，看她過來了 Oh, look out. Look at her coming in.
Oh, yeah.
龍捲風-惡搞
我離開這兒 I'm out of here.
再見 Bye.
她是你的了，兄弟 She's all yours, bro.
騙子 It's a twister!
跑，跑 Run! Run!
有誰能救救我們嗎？ Is there anyone that can save us？
我們需要英雄 We need a hero.
我是鋼鐵俠（鋼鐵俠惡搞） I am Iron Man.
哦，夥計，這傢伙被奶牛幹掉了 Oh, man! That twister shat out a cow.
該死，太混亂了 Shit. That's so messed up.
現在你給我滾蛋（地獄男爵－惡搞） Now you're pissing me off.
我是唯一敢惹你的人 I'm the only badass around here.
哦，該死 Oh, damn!
又一頭奶牛？ Another cow？
那是什麼？ What was that？
不太妙 It's not nice.
看著我，看看這個 Look at me. Look at this.
龍蝦爪 It's a lobster claw.
無論如何 Whatever.
看，我帶了很多行李，我不需要這個，夥計 Look, I'm carrying a lot of baggage. I didn't need that, man.
別惹我生氣，我生氣了，不會想你那樣（綠巨人－惡搞） Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
我的個人外表，我沒法控制 There's aspects of my personality that I can't control.
至少他別再被奶牛襲擊了 At least he didn't get hit with a cow.
夥計，海，風流小子，忘了Amy吧 - Man!- Hey, Casanova, forget Amy.
我們永遠也去不到博物館 We're never gonna make it to the museum.
我知道她還活著 I know she's still alive.
你好？Jojo？ Hello？ Jojo？
Jojo？不，不，是我 Jojo？ No, no, it's me.
Will,will,我被抓住了 Will. Will, I'm trapped.
一個埃及雕塑在地震的時候倒下 An Egyptian statue fell on me during the earthquake.
冷靜，Amy,冷靜 Stay calm, Amy. Just stay calm.
我好害怕，我好害怕 I'm so scared. I'm so scared.
好吧，Amy，聽我說，別慌 All right, Amy, listen to me. Don't panic.
我會去哪兒，我保證 I will be there, I promise.
Amy？ Amy？
各位，我要回去找她 Guys, I'm going back for her.
要是你死了，你怎麼救他。過來，快走 You can't save her if you're dead! Come on, let's go!
我很快會過去的，走，走 - I'll be there as soon as I can. - Go, go.
再見 Goodbye.
Amy，不，will，快走 - Amy. No!- Will, let's go.
不，該死，你快走 - No! Damn it!- You got to!
我知道你覺得我瘋了 I know you think I'm crazy...
但是，水晶人頭骨才能阻止這場災難 ...but these disasters have to do with the crystal skull.
就像TMTH，TM什麼？ - It's like TMTH.- TM what？
太多頭緒 Too much to handle.
婊子，為什麼還說這些 Bitch, why you don't just say that？
為什麼什麼事都被你詛咒？ Why everything a goddamn acronym with you？
冰冷的陽具出來，LL不太好J（？？？） Chilly Willy out, LL Not Cool J.
哦，別再吵架了，求你們了 Oh, do stop all of this quarreling. Honestly.
現在，誰餓了？ Now, who's hungry？
太好吃了 Delicious.
不管怎麼樣 Whatever.
你來點嗎？ Would you like some？
不 No.
什麼？ What？
哦，那是我的聰明電話，給我點時間 Y'all, that's my Get Smart phone. Just give me a minute.
有大便 You got poop.
只是個蚊子 Just a smidge.
我擦到了嗎？擦掉了嗎？ Did I get it？ Did I get it all？
你們幹嘛這麼看著我？ What y'all looking at me like that for？
你..是的 You got... Yeah.
這兒對嗎？ Is it right there？
好了，這樣 - It's fine.- Just go:
只是..多搞幾下，就好了 Just... I get it all the time, all over.
幹什麼？ What it do？
嗨，她是，Lisa媽媽 Hey, y'all, it's Lisa's mom.
我必須告訴她，你女兒發生了什麼 I gotta tell her what happened to her daughter.
嗨，Helller小姐 Hi, Miss Heller.
Lisa...
Lisa她死了 Lisa dead.
原來是booyah!
我碰見了一個更好的，火辣的魔法公主.. I met this fine, hot enchanted-princess chick...
樂意效勞任何事 ...willing to do anything and everything I want.
你要和她通話，和她談談 You gotta talk to her. Talk to her.
你好？哦，是的，他很好，我要做任何事，真的 Hello？ Oh, yes, he's right. I will do anything. Truly.
要是你給５塊錢或一些甲安非他明（毒品），我會見你 If you've got 5 bucks or some meth, I'll show you.
有個男巫，我勾搭了一年了 One time I hooked up with a 1-year-old wizard.
我不要了 Never again.
你很酷，我們要掛了 You're so cool. We should totally hang out.
她真可怕 She's awesome.
瞧，我們必須去Amy哪兒，自然歷史博物館 Look, we gotta get to Amy at the Natural History Museum.
Oh, my.
哦，不，我什麼都看不見了 - Oh, no.- I can't see anything.
我也看不見。有人在弄我 - Neither can I.- Somebody is totally feeling me up.
Calvin.不是我幹的 - Calvin.- I didn't do it.
他們真有趣，裡面裝滿奶 They're so perky. They're filled with milk.
那是什麼鬼東西？ What the hell was that？
太漂亮了，多可愛的松鼠啊 Wonderful.What adorable woodland creatures.
我太開心，真的，那個不... 我意思是，那東西弄的我不太爽 I'm not merry, really. That didn't... I mean, that didn't make me merry.
我不爽，我猜想 I don't feel merry, I guess.
各位，這些傢伙真有趣 Man, them guys are all right.
可愛，可愛 That's cute. That's cute.
OK,你們這幫傢伙不是艾爾文和花栗鼠，對嗎？ Okay, you guys are not Alvin and the Chipmunks, are you？
我想有一隻得了狂犬病 I think that one's got rabies.
你們去哪兒，笨驢們？ Where you going, punk-ass？
Alvin!
拿開他 Get him off!
花栗鼠發狂了 Chipmunks love nuts.
拿開他！什麼鬼東西？我想你是朋友？ Get him off! What the hell？ I thought you was my friend!
有味道 Salty.
你打錯了！你.. You're hitting the wrong thing! You...!
真沒意思，沒人來咬的肉，真是 I feel left out. No one's biting my flesh. Pooh.
你是最好的，小妞？ Is that the best you got, pussy？
你是好小妞 You are such a girl.
打鼓 Redrum!
他去哪兒了？ Where'd he go？
Yeah!
別咬我，放開 Don't bite me. Get lost!
哦，夥計們，來嘗嘗脊椎骨 Oh, boy, tasty vertebrae.
Juney,讓她去 - Juney.- Let her go.
讓她去，我們什麼也幫不上 Let her go, man. Ain't nothing we can do.
可她還活著 But she's still alive.
他們大力的咬我.. They're munching me harder...
...than Rachael Ray chowing down eggs Benedict on $40 a Day.
Yeah.
這婊子臨死前，她也不關上她那妙語連珠的嘴巴 Even when the bitch is dying, she don't shut up with her witty repartee.
嗨，Bffs,911上面的411是什麼？ Hey, BFFs, what's the 411 on the 911？
哦，她太煩人了 Oh, she is rather annoying.
什麼？我不是那麼幽默可笑... WTH？ I'm so not ROTFLOL'ing...
但請KIT,我去187之後 ...but please KIT, before I get 187'd.
遲點見 Blog you later.
結束了，結束了 - Finally.- Finally.
這只是開胃菜，現在去吃正餐了 That was just the amuse bouche. Now the main course.
來這兒，你們這些婊子，婊子 - Come back here, you bitches.- Bitches!
我會給你烤肉的 I'll get you in your grill.
姑娘們 Pussies.
死了 Die!
不能呼吸，需要空氣 Can't breathe. Need air.
該死 Shitheads!
大家還好嗎？ Is everybody okay？
是的，我很好 Yeah, I'm okay.
嗨，寶貝，你的膝蓋都磨破皮了 Hey, baby, your knees are all skinned up.
哦，是的，但那不是花栗鼠干的 Oh, yes, but that's not from the chipmunks.
但是我不會為這個頭痛的 But I do have this terrible headache.
迎面（產品），可以直接塗在額頭上 Head On. Apply directly to the forehead.
迎面，可以直接塗在額頭上 Head On. Apply directly to the forehead.
我剛剛..我剛剛用了 I just... I just did.
我說，迎面，婊子 I said, Head On, bitch.
可以直接塗在額頭上，無論如何 - Apply directly to the forehead. - Whatever.
這是什麼態度，蕩婦 Don't cop an attitude, slut.
我說，可以直接塗在你該死的額頭上 I said, apply Head On directly to your goddamn forehead.
好吧，好了，開心了？ Okay, okay. Happy？
看，你他媽的這白色的垃圾 Look, you little white-trash piece of shit...
迎面，母傻瓜 ...Head On, motherfucker.
可以直接塗在你這母傻瓜的額頭上 Apply directly to your motherfucking forehead.
好了，這兒，全塗上 Okay？ There. It's all over.
頭上，臉上，鼻子上，眼睛上 Head on, face on, nose on, eyes on.
哦，太好了 Oh, that's great.
我頭痛好了 My headache is gone...
但我一直有可怕的酵母傳染病 ...but I still have that dreadful yeast infection.
誰要酵母？ Sourdough anyone？
我不能什麼也不做，快去博物館 - I could've did without that. - Let's get to the museum.
快走，動一動 - Let's go! - Move it!
沒路了 Out of the way!
對不起，先生 Excuse me, sir.
發生什麼了？大家往哪兒去？（蝙蝠俠-惡搞） What's going on？ Where's everybody going？
大家都在撤退，現在每個人都要離開這個城市 It's a mass evacuation. Everyone has to leave the city right now.
等等，等等，你也走？傳令兵 Hold up, hold up. You leaving, Batman？
媽的，是的，對，我也離開，我可不想死 Shit. Yes. Yeah, I'm leaving. Okay？ I don't wanna die.
今天不在我的計劃表裡，不在我的幹活清單 Not on my schedule today. Not on my to-do list.
它不是「起床，做早餐，散佈，科學試驗，死亡」 It wasn't, "Wake up, make breakfast, jog, science experiment, die. "
不在上面，不在上面，OK？ 我做什麼？ Not on it. Not on it. Okay？ Are we done？
好吧 All right.
所以人留下的人都會被埋在碎石堆裡 Anyone who stays in town is gonna be buried in rubble.
我討厭碎石堆 I hate rubble.
我必須去自然歷史博物館，我女朋友,Amy，她困在哪兒了 I've gotta get to the Natural History Museum, to my girl, Amy. She's trapped.
要是你回去救你女朋友，你生還的機會是零 If you go back after your girlfriend, you have zero chance of survival.
我接受這個幾率 I'll take those odds.
看，21點撤退巴士會離開市政廳 Look, the evacuation bus is leaving city hall at 21 hours.
21百？等下，是什麼..？那是.. Twenty-one hundred？ Hold on, what is...？ That's...
5進6，下午9點 - Five, carry the six... - Nine p. m.
我一定回去救你和你的瘋朋友，下午9點 I'm gonna save you your crazy math. It's 9 p. m.
你們中午開始，9個小時之後 You start at noon, then nine hours later.
就是9點，到時間你必須趕上撤退巴士 That's 9. That's the time you need to get on those evacuation buses...
除非你死了 ...or you're dead.
死了？ Dead？
我說，已經是5點半了 Come on, it's already 5:3.
再說一次，5點半？哦,耶穌 Say again, 5:3？ Oh, Jesus.
哦，上帝，我浪費了一整天 Oh, God. I wasted the whole day.
我在。。我在亞馬遜找東西 I was... I was on Amazon looking for stuff.
該死，什麼？為什麼我今天去聖誕禮物商店？ Shit. Why？ Why would I go Christmas shopping today？
為什麼我調今天？婊子養的，好吧，B計劃 Why would I pick today？ Son of a bitch. Okay, plan B.
- Hi. - Hi.
我是傳令兵 I'm Batman.
我是魔法公主 I'm Enchanted Princess.
真實故事：曾經我有一個女人.. True story: I had a woman one time...
告訴我，我能給他四次高潮 ...tell me I was in the top four best lovers she's ever had.
這是真實的故事 That's a true story.
她已經離開我 And she had been around the block.
你想去和我一起去看看我的演出嗎？ Would you want to watch me play with myself？
再見 Goodbye.
過來，快走 Come on, let's go.
打劫你，傻瓜 Break yourself, fool.
你最好滾出這部Mach5(跑車)，不然我打爛你的屁股 You best be getting out of that Mach 5 or I'll toe-tag your ass.
你知道，他們說第一次殺人.. You know, they say that the first kill...
是相當困難的 ...is supposed to be quite difficult.
但我覺得挺容易，事實上，很好玩 But I find it easy. In fact, rather fun.
射他，打 Take it. Do it.
看，不用看 Look, Ma, no eyes.
我沒有媽媽？ I didn't have a mother!
什麼？我們只是在和我的猴子玩呢（惡搞傑克遜－暗指他猥褻小童） What？ We're just playing with my monkey.
開車了 Let's roll.
Oh, my!
快來 Come on!
跑 Run.
繼續走 We gotta keep going.
我的玻璃鞋不適合跑這麼快 These glass slippers are awfully hard to run in.
救命，救命 Help. Help.
Amy.
你回來找我，我愛你，Amy - You came back for me. - I love you, Amy.
我知道，我也愛你 I know. I love you too.
現在把這根奇怪的矛從我的肩膀拿開 Now get this freaking spear out of my shoulder.
Yeah.
OK,很疼 - Okay.- It hurts.
OK,好的 Okay. All right.
她被穿透了，釘在地上，夥計們 She's pinned through to the floor, guys.
這可不太容易，Calvin,我要你幫幫忙 This isn't gonna be easy. Calvin, I'm gonna need your help.
好的 Right.
你在幹什麼？我要先麻醉她 - What was that for？ - I was trying to knock her unconscious...
這樣她就不會感覺到痛 ...so she wouldn't feel pain.
幹的好 Good thinking.
寶貝，這對你也挺好，OK - Baby, this is for your own good.- Okay.
哥們，你出手像個娘們，讓我來 Man, you hit like a pussy. Let me try.
哥們，這女人太經打了 Man, this girl can take a hit.
為什麼？ Why？
這沒有用，我們把它拔出來 It's not working. Let's just pull it out of her.
數到三 On the count of three.
1,2,3 One, two, three.
幹得好 Good job.
我們要離開這裡，這個地方馬上就要塌了 We gotta get out of here. This place is gonna collapse.
不，不會有事，我們回到 No. Not until we return this...
回到祭壇去 ...back to the altar.
魔法球 A magic bong.
水晶人頭骨，在我的夢利出現過 The crystal skull. The one from my dreams.
現在，大家要護送這個水晶人頭骨到祭壇去 Now, legend has it that if the crystal skull is missing from the altar...
世界末日...地震... ...it's the end of the world. Earthquakes...
小行星，回去情趣女孩 ...asteroids, return of the Spice Girls.
Yes!
這是啟示 The apocalypse.
你知道這些該死的，因為你是講解員？ And you know this shit because you're the docent？
我看過Indiana Jones的水晶人頭骨（指看過那部電影） I saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
那你知道這意味著什麼嗎？ Do you know what this means？
我夢到人頭骨，而你知道人頭骨？ Me dreaming about the skull, and you knowing about the skull？
我們注定會在一起？不，我們兩個都愛人頭骨？ - That we were destined to be together？ - No, that we both really love skulls.
不過你說的也對 But that too.
Will,我們必須離開這兒，快到9點了 Will, we gotta get out of here. It's almost 9:
要是我們不去撤退巴士哪裡，我們都會死的 If we don't make it to them evacuation buses, we're gonna die.
走，Calvin Go, Calvin.
我和Amy呆在這兒，我們把這個人頭骨送回祭壇 I'm staying here with Amy. We're returning the skull to the altar.
待會見，高興認識你們 - See you.- Nice meeting you.
去找那個祭壇 Let's find that altar.
惡搞－博物館驚魂
發生了什麼 What's happening？
博物館裡的所以東西都活過來了 Everything in the museum is coming to life.
該死，不 Hell, no!
Bully! Bully!
Yes!
快離開這個鬼地方，毒品太偉大了 - Let's get the hell up out of here. - Drugs are great.
帶著水晶人頭骨走這邊，這是祭壇 - The altar to the crystal skull is this way. - Okay.
我是Beowulf I am Beowulf.
你好 Hello.
什麼？ What？
我是Beowulf I am Beowulf.
你能穿點衣服嗎？我是Beowulf - Can you put some clothes on？ - I am Beowulf.
我和妖怪打鬥都不用盔甲，和你為什麼要用 I fought the monster Grendel with no armor, and that is how I'll fight you.
等等，你裸體作戰？ Wait. You fight naked？
我是Beowulf I am Beowulf.
這是好人，兄弟 That's kind of gay, bro.
It's not... It's not gay. It's... 不是..不是那些傢伙，那是..
不，對不起，那些傢伙 No, I'm sorry. That's gay.
不是，不是 It's not gay. It's not.
為什麼我們在57區，雞巴 It's how we do it in 57, dick.
問問大家，好吧，我會，我會問我朋友Paul - Ask anybody. - All right, I will. I'll ask my friend Paul.
我們明天區划船，我們出到大海後我問他 We're boating tomorrow. I'll ask him when we're out in the seas.
Paul？我朋友Paul，他是我搭檔 - Paul？- My friend Paul, who is my partner.
他是我朋友，我們也是搭檔 He's my friend. We're also partners.
生活搭檔？不，生意搭檔 - Life partner？- No, business partners.
我們一起開了個古董店 We opened an antique shop together.
那些傢伙，什麼是那些傢伙？ - That's gay.- Why is that gay？
為什麼是古董？因為我喜歡舊東西，看上去有藝術氣息 Why are antiques gay？ Because I like old things that are kitschy？
我是Beowulf I'm Beowulf!
對不起，你準備好讓我踢你們的屁股了嗎？（功夫熊貓-惡搞） Excuse me, are you ready to get your ass kicked？
哦，該死，不，功夫熊貓 Oh, hell, no, Kung Fu Panda.
你不應該幹這些 You shouldn't have done that.
準備好了區感覺一下打雷 Get ready to feel the thunder.
你的娘們看上去很面熟，哥們 Your girl looks familiar, man.
去年，我花了兩塊錢買了她兩分鐘，你知道我的意思 Last year, I paid her 2 bucks for 2 minutes, if you know what I mean.
真的 It's true.
來吧 That's it.
哦，該死 Oh, shit.
哦，幹得漂亮 Oh, wonderful job.
我親愛的王子，你維護了我的尊嚴 My dear prince You have defended my honor
親親我，寶貝 Kiss me, baby.
你是男的？我是Trannie,我想你知道 - You a dude？- I'm a trannie. I thought you knew.
不 No.
摔倒他， Will Get him, Will.
我是Beowulf.哦，我已經知道了 - I am Beowulf. - Yeah, I know already.
投降，我們就能區吃飯了 Surrender so we can go get brunch.
我買兩張票去看Jersey Boys And I got us tickets to Jersey Boys.
不 No.
我們可以去我的地方 We can go to my place.
我們和那些明星跳舞 I TiVo'd Dancing with the Stars, results show.
不- Beowulf!
我想帶你去Rosie O'Donnell's巡遊 I wanna take you on Rosie O'Donnell's cruise.
只有我，你和我親愛的朋友George Takei Just me, you, and my dear friend George Takei.
我來吧 + Screw this.
我是Beowulf I'm Beowulf!
Beowulf去了 Beowulf out.
快點，我們要和時間賽跑 Hurry, we're running out of time.
水晶人頭骨-惡搞
Indiana Jones？
Indiana, 我的屁股 Indiana, my ass.
在這兒我來拿著它 I'll take it from here.
謝謝，兒子，是這樣，我是你老爸 Thanks, son.That's right, I'm your father.
你是我老爸？你媽媽名聲在外 - You're my dad？- Your mom got around.
一個真正的蕩婦，是真的，對，我知道了 - A real slut, actually.- Right, I get it.
對不起，我離開了你和你媽媽 I'm sorry I walked out on you and your mother.
但是我有一個冒險的心... But I got an adventurous spirit...
在每個主要城市有個火辣的妓女 ...and a hot-ass whore in every major city.
我們在這裡幹什麼？ What do we have here？
這是你的妞嗎？ Is this your girl？
耶，多好的年輕女士。 - Yeah.- What a nice young lady.
你有不錯的身材 And you got some shape on you.
哦，寶貝，你真是不錯 Yeah, baby. You're so nice.
你有很好的屁股，爸爸 - And you got some ass on you.- Dad.
哦，真是太漂亮了，爸爸 - Oh, so beautiful.- Dad.
要是把你的漂亮屁股比作漢堡包，寶貝，你是特大號的 If a nice ass meant a hamburger, baby, you'd have a Whopper.
哦，該死，爸爸 - Oh, shit.- Dad.
你做Pilates？我只是問問，只是問問 Do you do Pilates？I'm just asking. Just asking.
別對老人家這樣，平靜下來 Don't do what your old man did. Settle down.
沒有生過皰疹（性病），我告訴你沒有 There is no cure for herpes, and I bullshit you not.
謝謝，爸爸 Thanks, Dad.
看上去很容易，不像曾經那麼容易 - This looks easy. - Not as easy as it used to be.
哦，該死，我操 Oh, shit, my hip.
你知道我必須有人催促我，小事一樁，爸爸 - You know I gotta get my hustle on. - Bye, Dad.
我必須做得 I'm gonna make it.
哦，該死，哦，該死，哦，見鬼 Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
哦，見鬼 Oh, shit!
好疼，哦，該死 That hurts. Oh, shit!
為什麼你不走到祭壇哪兒去？就一英尺遠 Why don't you just walk to the altar？ It's like 1 feet away.
傻閨女 Silly girl.
不，別哭，我會沒事的 No, don't cry. I'll be fine.
我是Guru Shitka I am the Guru Shitka.
我們今天在這裡，讓 Amy和Will結合 And we are here today to bring together Amy and Will...
一個平安和幸福的結合 ...in a union of peace and happiness.
指出重要的一點，Amy,你完全是個辣妹 And to point out, gee, Amy, you are totally hot. TM.
Amy,你願意拿... Amy, do you take Will...
你的花生醬黃油和果凍到你愛人Will的胃裡嗎？ ...to be your peanut butter and jelly that goes into your love belly？
我願意 I do.
Will，你願意把你的油炸圈餅給你的愛人Amy... And, Will, do you take Amy to be your doughnut of love...
我願意 I do.
哦，在這個場合，給他一拳 Well, in that case, give her a pound.
鎖住它 Lock it down.
切菜 Break the pickle.
現在，給我撓撓 Now, tickle my pickle.
我愛你，Will I love you, Will.
我也愛你，Amy I love you too, Amy.
我有些事應該要告訴你 But there's something I should tell you.
什麼事？ What is it？
我操Matt Damon(民間傳說的人，說來話長) I'm fucking Matt Damon
你操了Matt Damon？ You're fucking Matt Damon？
哦，我操Hannah Montana Well, I'm fucking Hannah Montana
她操Hannah Montana She's fucking Hannah Montana
我演唱會的後台，在我父母的床上操了我 Backstage at my concert Fucks me on my parents' bed
放學後，在儲物櫃，在車上，我給她個頭 After school, at my locker, In the car I give her head
我還要操Flava I'm also fucking the Flava
哦，哥們，她操Flava-Flav,白癡 Yeah, boy she's fucking Flava-Flav, fool
你知道那時什麼時候，因為我也操Juney You know what time it is Because I'm fucking Juney too
哦，我知道，那是真的，Flava-flav,他也操我 Yeah, I know, but it's true Flava-Flav, he fucks me too
我和Calvin交換，他和那傢伙交換 And I swap with Calvin And he swaps with that dude
還有我們都操Hellboy And we're all fucking Hellboy
對，他們操Hellboy,還有我操Hulk Yeah, they're fucking Hellboy And I'm fucking the Hulk
當我真的生氣了，我開始操鋼鐵俠 When I get really mad I start fucking Iron Man
太不舒服了，但我也操公主 A most uncomfortable screw But I fuck the princess too
是誰打我電話？ Who's that ringing on my bell？
操鋼鐵俠的婊子 The bitch who's fucking Iron Man
那是I-R-O-N M-A-N，我操他的嘴 That's I-R-O-N M-A-N And I fuck him in the mouth
操的真不錯，因為我操狼人 That's fucking great Because I'm fucking Wolf
他操狼人，實在太可憐 He's fucking Wolf Ain't that a pity？
因為我操那些婊子，在性感的的城市 Because I'm fucking those bitches From Sex and the City
他操性感的城市妞 He fucks the Sex and the City gals
所以我驚慌，狼人真的要警惕 So I wondered: Would Wolf really get jealous...
是否他知道我們操那傢伙是不是帶著的大袋子 ...if he knew we were fucking that guy with the big utility belt？
他們都操蜘蛛俠 They're all fucking Batman
在Wayne Manor, 在Batcave裡面Butler Alfred是我們的性奴 At Wayne Manor, in the Batcave Butler Alfred is our love slave
迷惑我在這個神聖的公共澡堂 Riddle me this Holy bathhouse
我操酒館Amy I'm fucking Amy Winehouse？
他操酒館Amy He's fucking Amy Winehouse
哦，... Yeah, on the down-low, low, low
我操Jessica Simpson And I'm fucking Jessica Simpson
因為我在..... 'Cause I'm on blow, blow, blow
她操Jessica Simpson She's fucking Jessica Simpson Oh, yeah
我想我可能會操那個火辣的刺客 And I think I might have fucked That hot assassin
每個人操我，我操回他們，你看看 Everyone's fucked me And I've fucked them back, you see
還有那個有糟糕髮型的墨西哥人 And the Mexican too With the tragic hairdo
叫他，頭，我操J.T Call it, heads, I'm fucking J. T.
我操那個男模特，因為他那麼棒 I'm fucking that male model 'Cause he's so fine
我喜歡在Calvin Kleins他們那裡起床 And I like to get up In them Calvin Kleins
真的，J.T.再次操我的屁股，但我還要操王子Caspian It's true, J. T. Fucked my ass again But I'm also fucking Prince Caspian
我英俊又夠酷 I am handsome and I am cool
這就是為什麼王子操高中的小孩 That's why this prince Fucks the kids from high school
過來，來聽聽 - Come on- Let's hear it
現在是派對時間，讓我聽聽你 - Now's the time to party - Let me hear you
你知道現在是什麼時間嗎？不知道，是什麼時間呢？ - You know what time it is？ - No, what time is it？
是時間去操，操我 - It's time to get fucked- Fuck me
不，操我，操我 - No, fuck me- Fuck me
他操我們全部高中學生 He fucks all us kids in high school
在露天運動場，在展示廳，在我們改變體育項目時 Under the bleachers, in the showers While we're changing for gym class
我操Oprah,我操Obama - I'm fucking Oprah- I'm fucking Obama
我操Indiana屁股 I'm fucking Indiana's ass
她操Indiana屁股，我操Hancock She's fucking Indiana And I'm fucking Hancock
我操Hancock,還有我操Beowulf He's fucking Hancock And I'm fucking Beowulf
你知道你喜歡這個，我操功夫熊貓 You know you like it And I'm fucking Kung Fu Panda
我還操邁克傑克遜 And I'm fucking Michael Jackson
別管我，我愛我的動物，你看 Don't judge me I love my animals, you see
哦，耶，他操花栗鼠 Oh, yeah, he's fucking the Chipmunks
憂愁的說，但是真的，他操花栗鼠 Sad to say, but it's true He fucks the Chipmunks, yeah
你只是得到Wolfed You just got Wolfed.
通過監獄的學習，我有了一點進步 That's a little move I learned in jail.
哦，我在監獄 Yeah, I was in jail.
狼人 Wolf wrote some bad checks in '95.
Left foot, yellow.
Oh, that's right, I fall.
I am Beowulf.
I'm the strongest man in seven kingdoms.
Let myself go a little bit.
Got a little bit flabby.
I went on that Zone Diet...
...but I would eat like a whole week's worth of meals in like two days...
...and then be back to square one.
If you've got crack anywhere, I don't care where it comes from...
If it's in your crack... If the crack's in your crack.
"If the crack's in your crack. " Oh, that's rich.
You ever been with a bald doctor before？
- No. - We give better...
Do I look like Harrison Ford to you？
- He your pimp？ - Oh, good heavens, yes.
Oh, what to do？ Yes, I've got it.
You can be my prince of light, and you can be my prince of darkness.
- Yes. No？ Okay. - No.
Left foot, yellow.
I got us tickets to Madonna's reunion show...
...and then I wanna kiss your sweet face.
No!
Take it from the top again. She says, "Hello. "
Don't hit her so hard. Just hit her really lightly.
Okay？
Good enough for me.
It's all very funny.
Cut.
Oh, it's my Blake, incarcerated. Hi, Blakey.
How are you？ I love you.
He did not kill those three prostitutes.
They were already dead when he got to them. I'm swearing to God.
Look, I have to tell you something. I'm not really a banker.
As my voice cracks.
Look, I have something to tell you. I'm not really a banker. I'm a jumper.
I can teleport through space and time.
- What is it again？ Time and space. - Time and space.
Look, I have something to tell you.
I'm not really a banker. I'm a jumper.
- A what？ - I can teleport through time...
Hey, is my singing stick on？ It is on？ Is the singing stick on？
You know, everyone wants to know where I got my:
It all started one night when I was crying in my truck.
Yeah. I ain't crying no more, man.
Fourteenth highest-rated show on TV.
I got a time-share in Key West.
Oh, baby, I make shoes
And these are my boobs
I want you to see me in my birthday suit.
I want you to watch me take a bubble bath.
I'm gonna play around with the bubbles and make a little beard.
Pretend I'm Santa Claus.
Oh, son, I'm loving this.
Wonderful!
I'd like to get you naked and analyze you.
Oh, shit.
Do you like this shirt？ I totally made it myself.
Well, it's because I ripped it. It's because I burned it.
I was leaning over my birthday candles.
I was gonna blow them out, make a wish.
Instead my shirt caught on fire.
Son, if you go back for your girlfriend, you have zero chance of survival.
I'll take those odds.
Do you hear that train？
Son, if you go back for your girlfriend, you have zero chance of survival.
I'll take those odds.
You hear that train again？ You hear that again, that second time？
Son, if you go back for your girlfriend, you have zero chance of survival.
I'll take those...
Train. I knew it was coming too. Yeah.
- Is that the train we should catch？ - No, no. Take a...
Couple more？
You're hot. Are those things real？
Hey, everybody, be sure to remember to always use Proactiv. It helped me.
It helped my skin It helped my skin
It helped my skin, baby
It helped me. I used to have it all around this part of my face...
...and all around my talking hole...
...and then out of this squishy part right here.
I had it everywhere, and now it's gone.