1 00:01:40,725 --> 00:01:43,185 -Who are you? -We are three wise men. 2 00:01:43,353 --> 00:01:45,938 -What? -We are three wise men. 3 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:49,149 What are you doing creeping around a cowshed at 2:00 a.m.? 4 00:01:49,317 --> 00:01:51,276 That doesn't sound very wise to me. 5 00:01:51,820 --> 00:01:55,656 -We are astrologers. -We have come from the East. 6 00:01:56,032 --> 00:02:00,202 -ls this some kind of joke? -We wish to praise the infant. 7 00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:03,956 -We must pay a homage to him. -Homage? You're all drunk! 8 00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:06,542 lt's disgusting! Out! Come on, out! 9 00:02:06,709 --> 00:02:10,295 Bursting in here with tales about Oriental fortunetellers. Out! 10 00:02:10,505 --> 00:02:13,382 -No, no, we must see him. -Go and praise someone else's brat! 11 00:02:13,550 --> 00:02:17,511 -We were led by a star! -Led by a bottle more like! Go on, out! 12 00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:20,055 -We must see him. We have presents! -Out! 13 00:02:20,223 --> 00:02:22,141 Gold, frankincense, myrrh! 14 00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:25,352 Well, why didn't you say? He's over there. 15 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:28,730 Sorry the place is a bit of a mess. 16 00:02:28,898 --> 00:02:30,899 Well, what is myrrh anyway? 17 00:02:31,067 --> 00:02:33,735 -lt is a valuable balm. -A balm?! 18 00:02:33,903 --> 00:02:36,655 What are you giving him a balm for? lt might bite him! 19 00:02:37,282 --> 00:02:39,074 -What? -That's a dangerous animal! 20 00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:40,951 -Throw it in the trough! -No, it isn't! 21 00:02:41,119 --> 00:02:45,080 -lt's a great big... -No, no, no, it is an ointment. 22 00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:49,376 Well, there is an animal called a balm, or did l dream it? 23 00:02:49,544 --> 00:02:53,380 So you're astrologers, are you? Well, what is he then? 24 00:02:53,548 --> 00:02:56,592 What star-sign is he? 25 00:02:56,759 --> 00:03:00,387 -Capricorn. -Capricorn, eh? What are they like? 26 00:03:00,555 --> 00:03:03,223 Well, he's the Son of God. Our Messiah. 27 00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:04,558 King of the Jews! 28 00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:08,020 -And that's Capricorn, is it? -No, no, no, that's just him! 29 00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:11,440 I was gonna say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them. 30 00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:15,068 -By what name are you calling him? -Brian. 31 00:03:15,236 --> 00:03:19,489 We worship you, Brian, who are lord over us all. 32 00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:25,037 Praise unto you, Brian, and to the Lord, our Father. Amen. 33 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:26,705 -Do you do a lot of this? -What? 34 00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:28,957 -This praising. -No, no. No, no. 35 00:03:29,125 --> 00:03:31,960 Well, if you're dropping by again, do pop in. 36 00:03:32,128 --> 00:03:34,880 And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense... 37 00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:38,217 ...but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time, all right? 38 00:03:38,384 --> 00:03:41,637 Thank you. Goodbye. 39 00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:44,890 Well, weren't they nice? 40 00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:49,353 Out of their bloody minds' but still, look at that! 41 00:03:49,646 --> 00:03:53,774 Here. here, that's mine! Hey! Hey! 42 00:04:08,456 --> 00:04:10,165 Shut up! 43 00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:21,426 Brian The babe they called Brian 44 00:04:24,764 --> 00:04:27,849 He grew 45 00:04:28,017 --> 00:04:31,186 Grew, grew and grew 46 00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:38,193 Grew up to be 47 00:04:38,361 --> 00:04:45,784 A boy called Brian 48 00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:49,538 He had arms and legs 49 00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:53,000 And hands and feet 50 00:04:53,167 --> 00:04:55,836 This boy 51 00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:59,506 Whose name was Brian 52 00:04:59,882 --> 00:05:02,968 And he grew 53 00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:06,471 Grew, grew and grew 54 00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:09,391 Grew up to be 55 00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:12,853 Yes, he grew up to be 56 00:05:13,021 --> 00:05:20,235 A teenager called Brian 57 00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:23,572 And his face became spotty 58 00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:27,159 Yes, his face became spotty 59 00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:30,954 And his voice dropped down low 60 00:05:31,122 --> 00:05:34,374 And things started to grow 61 00:05:34,542 --> 00:05:37,711 On young Brian and show 62 00:05:37,879 --> 00:05:41,256 He was certainly no 63 00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:45,052 No girl named Brian 64 00:05:45,219 --> 00:05:50,349 Not a girl named Brian 65 00:05:55,772 --> 00:05:59,024 And he started to shave 66 00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:02,152 And have one off the wrist 67 00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:05,947 And want to see girls 68 00:06:06,115 --> 00:06:09,451 And go out and get pissed 69 00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:12,954 A man called Brian 70 00:06:13,122 --> 00:06:16,458 This man called Brian 71 00:06:16,626 --> 00:06:22,464 The man they called Brian 72 00:06:24,509 --> 00:06:28,303 This man called 73 00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:31,765 Brian 74 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:22,816 How blessed are those who know that he's of God. 75 00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:26,361 How blessed are the sorrowful. 76 00:07:26,529 --> 00:07:29,489 They shall find consolation. 77 00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:34,536 How blessed are those of gentle spirit. 78 00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:38,457 They shall have the earth for their possession. 79 00:07:39,208 --> 00:07:41,668 How blessed are those who hunger... 80 00:07:41,836 --> 00:07:46,006 ...and thirst to see right prevail. 81 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:49,176 They shall be satisfied. 82 00:07:50,636 --> 00:07:54,389 How blessed are those whose hearts are pure. 83 00:07:54,557 --> 00:07:56,850 They shall see God. 84 00:07:57,018 --> 00:07:59,728 -Speak up! -Quiet mum! 85 00:07:59,896 --> 00:08:02,981 Well, I can't hear a thing. 86 00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:05,525 Let's go to a stoning. 87 00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:09,154 -You can go to a stoning anytime. -Come on, Brian. 88 00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:11,865 Will you be quiet? 89 00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:14,075 Don't pick your nose! 90 00:08:14,243 --> 00:08:15,702 I wasn't. I was scratching. 91 00:08:15,870 --> 00:08:18,330 You was picking it while you was talking to that lady. 92 00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:21,458 -I wasn't! -Leave it alone . Give it a rest. 93 00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:26,254 -Do you mind? I can't hear a word. -Don't you "do you mind" me. 94 00:08:26,422 --> 00:08:29,216 -I was talking to my husband. -Talk to him somewhere else. 95 00:08:29,383 --> 00:08:32,886 -I can't hear a bloody thing. -Don't you swear at my wife . 96 00:08:33,054 --> 00:08:36,348 I was only asking her to shut up so we can hear, big nose. 97 00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:38,767 Don't you call my husband "big nose." 98 00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:42,020 -Well, he has got a big nose. -Could you be quiet, please? 99 00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:44,856 -What was that? -I was too busy talking to big nose. 100 00:08:45,024 --> 00:08:47,776 I think it was, "Blessed are the cheese makers." 101 00:08:48,444 --> 00:08:51,071 What's so special about the cheese makers? 102 00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:53,198 lt's not meant to be taken literally. 103 00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:56,368 lt refers to any manufacturers of dairy products. 104 00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:59,204 lf you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, big nose. 105 00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:02,040 Say that once more, I'll smash your bloody face in! 106 00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:05,210 Listen, might be a bit about "Blessed are the big noses." 107 00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:06,795 Lay off him. 108 00:09:07,129 --> 00:09:11,049 You're not so bad yourself, conk-face. Where are you two from? Nose City? 109 00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:14,386 One more time' I'll take you to the fucking cleaners! 110 00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,638 Language! 111 00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:18,974 And don't pick your nose! 112 00:09:19,183 --> 00:09:21,309 I wasn't going to. I was gonna thump him! 113 00:09:21,477 --> 00:09:24,229 -Hear that? Blessed are the Greek. -The Greek? 114 00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:26,856 Apparently, he's gonna inherit the earth. 115 00:09:27,024 --> 00:09:29,776 -Did anyone catch his name? -You won't thump anybody. 116 00:09:29,944 --> 00:09:31,945 I'll thump him if he calls me "big nose"! 117 00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:33,738 Shut up, big nose! 118 00:09:33,906 --> 00:09:35,824 Right. I warned you. 119 00:09:35,992 --> 00:09:37,951 I really will slug you so hard--! 120 00:09:38,119 --> 00:09:41,329 lt's the meek. "Blessed are the meek." 121 00:09:41,497 --> 00:09:44,040 That's nice, isn't it? l'm glad they getting something. 122 00:09:44,208 --> 00:09:45,584 They have a hell of a time. 123 00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:49,254 Listen l'm only telling the truth, you have got a very big nose. 124 00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:52,048 Your nose is going to be three foot wide ... 125 00:09:52,216 --> 00:09:54,217 ...across your face by the time I'm finished! 126 00:09:55,344 --> 00:09:57,220 Who hit yours? Goliath's big brother? 127 00:09:57,763 --> 00:10:01,683 -Right, that's your last warning. -Do pipe down. 128 00:10:03,352 --> 00:10:06,605 Silly bitch, getting in the way. 129 00:10:08,190 --> 00:10:09,274 Break it up! 130 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:12,485 -Come on, let's go to the stoning. -All right. 131 00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:21,036 Blessed is just about everyone with an interest in the status quo, right, Reg? 132 00:10:21,203 --> 00:10:25,624 What Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is it's the meek who are the problem. 133 00:10:25,791 --> 00:10:30,253 Yes, yes. Absolutely, Reg. Yes, I see. 134 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:34,132 Come on, Brian, or they'll have stoned him before we get there . 135 00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:35,884 All right. 136 00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:40,221 Hey, get off her. That's disgusting. Officer, intervene here. 137 00:10:40,389 --> 00:10:43,433 Attempted rape going on. lt's the chap with the big nose's fault. 138 00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:45,310 He started it all. 139 00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:47,979 I hate wearing these beards. 140 00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:50,315 Why aren't women allowed at stonings? 141 00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:52,108 lt's written, that's why. 142 00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:57,238 -Beard, madam? -I haven't got time to go to no stonings. 143 00:10:57,406 --> 00:11:00,158 He's not well again. 144 00:11:00,534 --> 00:11:04,037 -Stone, sir? -They've got them lying on the ground. 145 00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:05,955 Not like these, sir. Look at this. 146 00:11:06,123 --> 00:11:09,292 Feel the quality of that. That's craftsmanship. 147 00:11:10,378 --> 00:11:13,421 All right. We'll have two with points and a big, flat one. 148 00:11:13,589 --> 00:11:15,423 Could I have a flat one, Mum? 149 00:11:15,591 --> 00:11:16,758 Sorry. Dad. 150 00:11:16,926 --> 00:11:20,387 All right. Two points, two flats and a packet of gravel. 151 00:11:20,554 --> 00:11:21,763 Packet of gravel. 152 00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:23,598 Should be a good one this afternoon. 153 00:11:23,808 --> 00:11:25,225 -Local boy. -Oh, good. 154 00:11:25,434 --> 00:11:26,685 Enjoy yourselves. 155 00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:48,331 Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath... 156 00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:50,667 -Do I say yes? -Yes! 157 00:11:50,835 --> 00:11:54,462 ...you have been found guilty by the elders of the town... 158 00:11:54,630 --> 00:11:57,549 ...of uttering the name of our Lord... 159 00:11:57,717 --> 00:12:00,468 ...and so as a blasphemer... 160 00:12:01,971 --> 00:12:05,682 ...you are to be stoned to death! 161 00:12:05,891 --> 00:12:09,477 Look, l,d had a lovely supper' and all I said to my wife was: 162 00:12:09,645 --> 00:12:13,648 "That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah." 163 00:12:13,858 --> 00:12:17,235 Blasphemy! He said it again! 164 00:12:17,653 --> 00:12:20,405 -Did you hear him? -Yeah! Yes, we did! 165 00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:21,823 Really. 166 00:12:25,995 --> 00:12:27,996 Are there any women here today? 167 00:12:33,961 --> 00:12:37,338 Very well. By virtue of the authority... 168 00:12:37,506 --> 00:12:38,631 ...vested in me-- 169 00:12:38,799 --> 00:12:41,760 Lay off! We haven't started yet. 170 00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:44,596 Come on! Who threw that? 171 00:12:45,514 --> 00:12:47,515 Who threw that stone? Come on! 172 00:12:47,683 --> 00:12:49,684 She did! She did! 173 00:12:49,852 --> 00:12:52,353 He did! He did! He did! 174 00:12:52,521 --> 00:12:54,689 Sorry, I thought we'd started. 175 00:12:54,857 --> 00:12:57,317 -Go to the back. -Oh, dear. 176 00:12:57,485 --> 00:13:00,361 Always one, isn't there? 177 00:13:00,529 --> 00:13:03,990 -Now, where were we? -I don't think it ought to be blasphemy... 178 00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:07,410 -...just saying "Jehovah." -He did! He did! 179 00:13:07,578 --> 00:13:09,788 You're only making it worse for yourself! 180 00:13:09,955 --> 00:13:12,540 Making it worse?! How could it be worse? 181 00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:15,210 Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah! 182 00:13:15,419 --> 00:13:19,047 I'm warning you! lf you say Jehovah once more-- 183 00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:21,716 Right! Who threw that? 184 00:13:23,260 --> 00:13:25,386 Come on! Who threw that? 185 00:13:27,389 --> 00:13:29,891 Him! Him! Him! 186 00:13:30,059 --> 00:13:31,559 -Was it you? -Yes. 187 00:13:31,894 --> 00:13:34,395 -Right-- -Well, you did say Jehovah. 188 00:13:38,692 --> 00:13:40,860 Stop. Stop. Will you stop that? 189 00:13:41,028 --> 00:13:42,070 Stop it! 190 00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:47,909 Now, look. No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle. 191 00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:49,494 Do you understand? 192 00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:52,997 Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear... 193 00:13:53,165 --> 00:13:56,251 ...even if they do say Jehovah. 194 00:14:02,341 --> 00:14:03,800 Good shot! 195 00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:18,523 -Have I got a big nose, mum? -Stop thinking about sex. 196 00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:20,608 -I wasn't. -You're always on about it. 197 00:14:20,776 --> 00:14:22,110 Morning, noon and night. 198 00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:24,904 "Will the girls like this, will the girls like that? 199 00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:28,116 Is it too big, is it too small?" 200 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:33,955 -Alms for a leper. -Alms for a leper. 201 00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:36,708 Alms for an ex-leper. 202 00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:40,795 Bloody donkey-owners, all the same, ain't they? Never have any change. 203 00:14:40,963 --> 00:14:42,463 Here's a touch. 204 00:14:42,631 --> 00:14:45,800 -Spare a talent for an old ex-leper? -Buzz off. 205 00:14:45,968 --> 00:14:47,719 Spare a talent for an old ex-leper? 206 00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:50,263 A talent? That's more than he earns in a month. 207 00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:52,307 -Half a talent then? -No, go away. 208 00:14:52,474 --> 00:14:53,892 -Big nose, let's haggle. -What? 209 00:14:54,059 --> 00:14:56,311 All right, let's say you open at one shekel.. . 210 00:14:56,478 --> 00:14:58,897 ...I start at 2000, we close at 1800. 211 00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:00,106 -No. -1750? 212 00:15:00,274 --> 00:15:01,816 -Go away! -1740? 213 00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:04,652 -Leave him alone. -All right. Two shekels, just two. 214 00:15:04,820 --> 00:15:07,822 -ls this fun, eh? -Look, he's not giving you any money. 215 00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:10,450 Now piss off! 216 00:15:13,662 --> 00:15:16,164 All right, final offer, half a shekel for an ex-leper? 217 00:15:16,332 --> 00:15:18,833 -Did you say ex-leper? -That's right, sir. 218 00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:20,877 Sixteen years behind a bell and proud of it. 219 00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:23,338 -Well, what happened? -I was cured, sir. 220 00:15:23,547 --> 00:15:26,174 -Cured? -A bloody miracle, sir. God bless you. 221 00:15:26,342 --> 00:15:28,843 -Who cured you? -Jesus did, sir. 222 00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:31,095 I was hopping along, minding my own business. 223 00:15:31,263 --> 00:15:33,598 All of a sudden, up he comes, cures me. 224 00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:38,019 One minute I'm a leper with a trade' next minute my livelihood's gone. 225 00:15:38,187 --> 00:15:40,772 "You're cured, mate." Bloody do-gooder. 226 00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:44,442 Well, why don't you go and tell him that you want to be a leper again? 227 00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:46,694 I could do that sir. I could, I suppose. 228 00:15:46,862 --> 00:15:50,698 I was gonna ask him if he'd make me a bit lame in one leg during the week. 229 00:15:50,866 --> 00:15:54,702 You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass. 230 00:15:54,870 --> 00:15:57,538 Brian. Come and clean your room out. 231 00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:00,541 -There you are. -Thank you. Thank-- 232 00:16:00,709 --> 00:16:05,755 -Half a dinare for me bloody life story? -There's no pleasing some people. 233 00:16:05,923 --> 00:16:08,132 That's just what Jesus said, sir. 234 00:16:21,146 --> 00:16:22,730 Good afternoon. 235 00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:25,692 Hello, officer. 236 00:16:25,859 --> 00:16:29,070 I'll be with you in a few moments, all right, dear? 237 00:16:29,238 --> 00:16:30,488 What's he doing here? 238 00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:34,242 -Don't start, Brian. Go clean your room. -Bloody Romans. 239 00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:37,745 Now, look, Brian. lf it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have all this. 240 00:16:37,913 --> 00:16:41,499 -And don't you forget it. -We don't owe the Romans anything. 241 00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:44,168 That's not entirely true, is it, Brian? 242 00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:45,378 What do you mean? 243 00:16:45,546 --> 00:16:48,548 Well, you know when you were asking me about your...? 244 00:16:48,716 --> 00:16:49,716 My nose? 245 00:16:49,883 --> 00:16:52,593 Yes, well, there's a reason it's like it is. 246 00:16:52,761 --> 00:16:54,345 What is it? 247 00:16:54,513 --> 00:16:58,599 Well, I suppose I should have told you a long time ago, but... 248 00:16:58,934 --> 00:17:00,893 Well, Brian... 249 00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:05,189 -...your father isn't Mr. Cohen. -I never thought he was. 250 00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:07,066 Now, none of your cheek! 251 00:17:07,234 --> 00:17:09,777 He was a Roman, Brian. 252 00:17:09,945 --> 00:17:12,613 He was a centurion in the Roman army. 253 00:17:12,781 --> 00:17:16,951 -You mean you were raped?! -Well, at first, yes. 254 00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:21,122 -Who was it? -Naughtius Maximus his name was. 255 00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:23,541 Promised me the known world' he did. 256 00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:26,627 I was to be taken to Rome' house by the Forum... 257 00:17:26,795 --> 00:17:28,796 ...slaves, asses, milk... 258 00:17:28,964 --> 00:17:31,299 ...as much gold as I could eat. 259 00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:35,762 Then he, having his way with me he had: Like a rat out of an aqueduct. 260 00:17:35,929 --> 00:17:37,138 The bastard. 261 00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:40,475 Yes, and next time you go on about the "bloody Romans" ... 262 00:17:40,642 --> 00:17:44,062 -...don't forget you're one of them. -I'm not a Roman, Mum. 263 00:17:44,229 --> 00:17:48,483 And I never will be. I'm a kike, a yid, a hebe, a hooknose. 264 00:17:48,650 --> 00:17:53,529 I'm kosher, Mum. I'm a Red Sea pedestrian and proud of it! 265 00:17:57,576 --> 00:18:00,745 Sex, sex, sex, that's all they think about, huh? 266 00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:03,623 Well, how are you then, officer? 267 00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:27,188 Ladies and gentlemen, the next contest is between... 268 00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:32,318 ...Frank Goliath' the Macedonian baby-crusher.. 269 00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:36,197 ...and Boris Mineburg. 270 00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:37,907 Thank you, madam. 271 00:18:38,075 --> 00:18:41,119 Larks, tongues. Wrens, livers. 272 00:18:41,286 --> 00:18:45,540 Chaftinch brains. Jaguars, earlobes. 273 00:18:45,707 --> 00:18:48,376 Wolf-nipple chips. Get them while they're hot. They're lovely. 274 00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:52,171 Dromedary pretzels, only half a dinar. Tuscany fried bats... 275 00:18:52,339 --> 00:18:56,175 I do feel, Reg, that any anti-imperialist group like ours... 276 00:18:56,343 --> 00:19:00,179 ...must reflect such a divergence of interest within its power base. 277 00:19:00,347 --> 00:19:04,058 -Agreed. Francis? -Judith's point of view is very valid... 278 00:19:04,226 --> 00:19:05,810 ...provided the movement never forgets... 279 00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:08,146 ...it is the unalienable right of every man... 280 00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:09,647 -Or woman. -...or woman... 281 00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:11,524 -...to rid himself-- -Or herself. 282 00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:12,733 -Agreed. -Thanks, brother. 283 00:19:12,901 --> 00:19:15,278 -Or sister. -Or sister.... 284 00:19:16,071 --> 00:19:17,822 Where was l? 285 00:19:18,407 --> 00:19:20,908 -I think you finished. -Right. 286 00:19:21,076 --> 00:19:24,579 -lt is the birthright of every man-- -Or woman. 287 00:19:24,746 --> 00:19:27,165 Shut up about women, Stan. You're putting us oft. 288 00:19:27,332 --> 00:19:30,168 Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement. 289 00:19:30,335 --> 00:19:32,587 Why are you always on about women, Stan? 290 00:19:33,213 --> 00:19:35,089 I want to be one. 291 00:19:36,216 --> 00:19:37,550 What? 292 00:19:37,801 --> 00:19:39,927 I want to be a woman. 293 00:19:40,095 --> 00:19:44,557 From now on, I want you all to call me Loretta. 294 00:19:44,725 --> 00:19:47,768 -What? -lt's my right as a man. 295 00:19:47,936 --> 00:19:51,772 Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan? 296 00:19:52,107 --> 00:19:54,400 I want to have babies. 297 00:19:54,568 --> 00:19:56,277 You want to have babies?! 298 00:19:56,445 --> 00:19:59,113 lt's every man's right to have babies if he wants them. 299 00:19:59,281 --> 00:20:02,408 -But you can't have babies. -Don't you oppress me. 300 00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:06,078 I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb. 301 00:20:06,246 --> 00:20:10,625 Where's the fetus gonna gestate? You gonna keep it in a box? 302 00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:16,255 Here, I've got an idea. Suppose you agree... 303 00:20:16,423 --> 00:20:18,257 ...that he can't actually have babies... 304 00:20:18,425 --> 00:20:21,802 ...not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans, ... 305 00:20:21,970 --> 00:20:26,140 -...but he has the right to have babies. -Good idea, Judith. 306 00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:30,478 We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister. 307 00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:33,064 -What's the point? -What? 308 00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:38,653 Why fight for his right to have babies when he can't have babies? 309 00:20:39,446 --> 00:20:43,908 lt is symbolic of our struggle against oppression. 310 00:20:44,826 --> 00:20:47,536 Symbolic of his struggle against reality. 311 00:20:54,586 --> 00:20:57,380 -Get out there. Get out. -lt's dangerous out there. 312 00:21:20,028 --> 00:21:24,031 Larks, tongues. Otters, noses. Ocelots, spleens. 313 00:21:24,199 --> 00:21:25,950 -Got any nuts? -Haven't got any nuts. 314 00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:27,702 I've got wrens, livers, badgers, spleens-- 315 00:21:27,869 --> 00:21:29,704 No, no, no. 316 00:21:29,913 --> 00:21:32,415 -Otters, noses? -I don't want any Roman rubbish. 317 00:21:32,582 --> 00:21:35,710 -Why don't you sell proper food? -Proper food? 318 00:21:35,877 --> 00:21:38,212 Yeah, not those rich imperialist tidbits. 319 00:21:38,380 --> 00:21:41,507 Don't blame me. I didn't ask to sell this. 320 00:21:41,675 --> 00:21:44,302 -All right, bag of otters, noses, then. -Make it two. 321 00:21:44,469 --> 00:21:46,721 -Two. -Thanks, Reg. 322 00:21:46,888 --> 00:21:49,557 -Are you the Judean People's Front? -Fuck off. 323 00:21:49,725 --> 00:21:53,519 -What? -Judean People's Front. 324 00:21:53,687 --> 00:21:55,980 We're The People's Front of Judea. 325 00:21:56,148 --> 00:21:59,900 -Judean People's Front, God! -Wankers. 326 00:22:02,070 --> 00:22:05,239 -Can I join your group? -No, piss off. 327 00:22:05,407 --> 00:22:10,494 I didn't want to sell this. lt's only a job. I hate the Romans as much as anybody. 328 00:22:11,997 --> 00:22:14,498 -Are you sure? -Dead sure. 329 00:22:14,666 --> 00:22:16,417 I hate the Romans already. 330 00:22:16,585 --> 00:22:22,590 Listen, if you wanted to join the PFJ , you'd have to really hate the Romans. 331 00:22:22,758 --> 00:22:24,425 I do. 332 00:22:24,593 --> 00:22:28,095 -Oh, yeah, how much? -A lot. 333 00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:32,433 Right, you're in. Listen... 334 00:22:32,934 --> 00:22:37,355 ...the only people we hate more than Romans are the Judean People's Front. 335 00:22:37,522 --> 00:22:38,522 Splitters. 336 00:22:38,690 --> 00:22:40,608 And the Judean Popular People's Front. 337 00:22:40,776 --> 00:22:42,109 -Oh, yeah. -Splitters. 338 00:22:42,277 --> 00:22:44,945 -And the People's Front of Judea. -Yeah. Splitters. 339 00:22:45,113 --> 00:22:47,573 -What? -The People's Front of Judea. Splitters. 340 00:22:47,741 --> 00:22:50,576 We're the People's Front of Judea. 341 00:22:50,744 --> 00:22:55,539 -I thought we were the Popular Front. -People's Front. 342 00:22:55,707 --> 00:22:58,751 Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg? 343 00:22:58,919 --> 00:23:00,127 He's over there. 344 00:23:02,964 --> 00:23:05,424 Splitter! 345 00:23:12,599 --> 00:23:16,435 I think I'm about to have a cardiac arrest. 346 00:23:17,562 --> 00:23:19,522 Absolutely dreadful. 347 00:23:34,830 --> 00:23:38,374 -What's your name? -Brian. Brian Cohen. 348 00:23:39,084 --> 00:23:42,586 We may have a little job for you, Brian. 349 00:24:37,225 --> 00:24:41,103 What's this then? " Romanes eunt domus"? 350 00:24:41,271 --> 00:24:44,356 "People called Romanes' they go the house"? 351 00:24:44,524 --> 00:24:47,151 lt says, "Romans go home." 352 00:24:47,319 --> 00:24:50,654 No, it doesn't. What's Latin for Roman? 353 00:24:50,822 --> 00:24:52,490 -Come on. -Romanus? 354 00:24:52,657 --> 00:24:53,991 -Goes like...? -Anus? 355 00:24:54,159 --> 00:24:56,243 Vocative plural of anus is...? 356 00:24:56,411 --> 00:25:00,080 -Ani? -Romani. 357 00:25:00,248 --> 00:25:02,583 -"Eunt'? What is eunt? -Go. 358 00:25:02,751 --> 00:25:08,088 -Conjugate the verb "to go." -Ere, eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt. 359 00:25:08,256 --> 00:25:10,174 So eunt is...? 360 00:25:10,342 --> 00:25:13,010 Third person plural, present indicative. "They go." 361 00:25:13,178 --> 00:25:18,265 But "Romans go home" is an order, so you must use the...? 362 00:25:18,433 --> 00:25:20,768 -lmperative! -Which is...? 363 00:25:21,770 --> 00:25:23,938 -Oh, -i. -How many Romans? 364 00:25:24,147 --> 00:25:27,942 -Plural, plural. lte. lte. -Ite . 365 00:25:28,735 --> 00:25:31,403 Domus? Nominative? 366 00:25:31,571 --> 00:25:35,449 "Go home ." This is motion towards, isn't it, boy? 367 00:25:35,617 --> 00:25:39,286 Dative! Not dative' not the dative, sir! 368 00:25:40,205 --> 00:25:43,082 The accusative! Accusative! Domum, sir . Ad domum. 369 00:25:43,250 --> 00:25:46,126 -Except that domus takes the...? -The locative, sir. 370 00:25:46,294 --> 00:25:47,461 -Which is...? -Domum! 371 00:25:47,629 --> 00:25:49,880 Domum. 372 00:25:52,425 --> 00:25:53,592 -Understand? -Yes, sir. 373 00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:57,012 -Write that 100 times. -Yes, sir. Thank you. Hail Caesar. 374 00:25:57,180 --> 00:25:59,974 lf it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off. 375 00:26:00,141 --> 00:26:03,477 Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar and everything, sir. 376 00:26:25,834 --> 00:26:28,168 Finished. 377 00:26:28,336 --> 00:26:33,465 Right. Now, don't do it again. 378 00:26:56,281 --> 00:26:57,573 Hey. Bloody Romans. 379 00:27:32,734 --> 00:27:35,235 We get in through the underground heating-system... 380 00:27:35,403 --> 00:27:38,072 ...up through into the main audience chamber here... 381 00:27:38,239 --> 00:27:40,783 ...and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here. 382 00:27:41,326 --> 00:27:43,744 Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate... 383 00:27:43,912 --> 00:27:47,623 ...that she is in our custody, and forthwith issue our demands. 384 00:27:47,791 --> 00:27:50,250 -Any questions? -What exactly are the demands? 385 00:27:50,460 --> 00:27:52,586 We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle... 386 00:27:52,754 --> 00:27:55,047 ...the entire Roman imperialist state... 387 00:27:55,215 --> 00:27:57,800 ...and if he doesn't agree immediately, we execute her. 388 00:27:57,967 --> 00:28:00,219 -Cut her head off? -Cut all her bits off. 389 00:28:00,428 --> 00:28:02,346 Send them back on the hour' every hour. 390 00:28:02,514 --> 00:28:03,847 Show them we're not to be trifled with. 391 00:28:04,015 --> 00:28:06,475 And of course, we point out that they bear... 392 00:28:06,643 --> 00:28:08,811 ...full responsibility when we chop her up... 393 00:28:08,978 --> 00:28:12,439 ...and that we shall not submit to blackmail. 394 00:28:12,607 --> 00:28:14,441 No blackmail! 395 00:28:14,609 --> 00:28:18,529 They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had. 396 00:28:18,697 --> 00:28:22,116 And not just from us! From our fathers, and from our fathers, fathers. 397 00:28:22,283 --> 00:28:24,493 -And from our fathers, fathers, fathers. -Yeah. 398 00:28:24,661 --> 00:28:26,829 And our fathers, fathers' fathers, fathers. 399 00:28:26,996 --> 00:28:28,622 All right, don't labor the point. 400 00:28:28,790 --> 00:28:32,042 And what have they ever given us in return? 401 00:28:33,962 --> 00:28:35,629 The aqueduct? 402 00:28:36,256 --> 00:28:38,298 -What? -The aqueduct. 403 00:28:38,466 --> 00:28:41,135 Yeah, they did give us that. That's true, yeah. 404 00:28:41,302 --> 00:28:43,303 And the sanitation. 405 00:28:43,471 --> 00:28:46,807 Yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be like. 406 00:28:46,975 --> 00:28:49,476 I'll grant you the aqueduct and sanitation... 407 00:28:49,644 --> 00:28:51,019 ...the two things the Romans have done. 408 00:28:51,187 --> 00:28:53,689 -And the roads. -Yeah, obviously the roads. 409 00:28:53,898 --> 00:28:56,191 I mean the roads go without saying, don't they? 410 00:28:56,401 --> 00:28:58,652 But apart from sanitation, aqueduct and roads-- 411 00:28:58,820 --> 00:29:01,280 -lrrigation. -Medicine. 412 00:29:01,448 --> 00:29:04,158 -Education. -Yeah, yeah, all right, fair enough. 413 00:29:04,325 --> 00:29:06,326 And the wine. 414 00:29:07,412 --> 00:29:10,330 That's something we'd really miss' Reg, if the Romans left. 415 00:29:10,498 --> 00:29:11,665 Public baths. 416 00:29:11,833 --> 00:29:14,168 lt's safe to walk in the streets at night now. 417 00:29:14,335 --> 00:29:15,669 They know how to keep order. 418 00:29:15,837 --> 00:29:19,339 Let's face it, they're the only ones who could in a place like this. 419 00:29:20,508 --> 00:29:22,426 All right, but apart from sanitation... 420 00:29:22,594 --> 00:29:25,220 ...medicine, education' wine, public order... 421 00:29:25,430 --> 00:29:29,016 ...irrigation, roads, the fresh-water system and public health... 422 00:29:29,184 --> 00:29:32,686 ...what have the Romans ever done for us? 423 00:29:32,854 --> 00:29:37,983 -Brought peace? -Peace. Shut up! 424 00:29:47,702 --> 00:29:52,414 I'm a poor man. My sight is poor. My legs are old and bented. 425 00:29:52,582 --> 00:29:57,044 -lt's all right, Matthias. -lt's all clear. 426 00:30:04,344 --> 00:30:06,512 Well, where's Reg? 427 00:30:07,263 --> 00:30:10,891 Reg. Reg. lt's Judith. 428 00:30:11,059 --> 00:30:14,728 -What went wrong? -The first blow has been struck. 429 00:30:15,021 --> 00:30:17,731 -Did he finish the slogan? -100 times. 430 00:30:17,899 --> 00:30:22,027 ln letters 10 foot high, all the way around the palace. 431 00:30:22,195 --> 00:30:24,071 Oh, great. 432 00:30:24,239 --> 00:30:27,241 Great. We need doers in our movement... 433 00:30:27,408 --> 00:30:29,952 ...Brian, but before you join us, know this: 434 00:30:30,119 --> 00:30:32,579 There is not one of us who would not gladly die... 435 00:30:32,747 --> 00:30:35,082 ...to rid this country of the Romans. 436 00:30:35,250 --> 00:30:37,251 Well, one. 437 00:30:37,418 --> 00:30:39,002 Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's one. 438 00:30:39,170 --> 00:30:41,255 But otherwise, we're solid. Are you with us? 439 00:30:41,589 --> 00:30:43,257 Yes. 440 00:30:44,259 --> 00:30:48,971 From now on, you shall be called, "Brian, that is called Brian." 441 00:30:49,138 --> 00:30:51,431 Tell him about the raid on Pilate's palace, Francis. 442 00:30:51,599 --> 00:30:53,934 Right. This is the plan: 443 00:30:54,936 --> 00:30:57,604 Now, this is the palace in Caesar's Square . 444 00:30:57,772 --> 00:31:00,482 Our commando unit will approach from Fish Street... 445 00:31:00,817 --> 00:31:03,944 ...and make our way to the northwestern main drain. 446 00:31:04,112 --> 00:31:08,490 If questioned, we are sewage workers on our way to a conference. 447 00:31:08,658 --> 00:31:11,827 Reg, our glorious leader and founder of the PFJ ... 448 00:31:12,036 --> 00:31:15,455 ...will be coordinating consultant at the drain head... 449 00:31:15,623 --> 00:31:17,624 ...though he will not be taking part... 450 00:31:17,792 --> 00:31:20,127 ...in any terrorist action, as he has a bad back. 451 00:31:20,295 --> 00:31:22,921 -Aren't you gonna come with us? -Solidarity, brother. 452 00:31:23,089 --> 00:31:25,799 Oh, yes. Solidarity, Reg. 453 00:31:25,967 --> 00:31:29,011 Once in the sewer, timing will be of the essence. 454 00:31:29,178 --> 00:31:31,972 There is a Roman feast later, so we must move fast. ΄. 455 00:31:32,140 --> 00:31:34,641 ...and don't wear your best sandals. 456 00:31:34,809 --> 00:31:38,979 Turning left here, we enter the Caesar Augustus Memorial Sewer. 457 00:31:39,147 --> 00:31:41,648 And from there proceed directly to the hypocaust. 458 00:31:41,816 --> 00:31:43,275 This has just been re-tiled. 459 00:31:43,443 --> 00:31:46,862 So terrorists, careful with those weapons. 460 00:31:47,071 --> 00:31:50,574 We will now be directly beneath Pilate's audience chamber itself. 461 00:31:50,742 --> 00:31:54,828 This is the moment for Habakkuk to get out his prong. 462 00:33:13,241 --> 00:33:14,783 Campaign for Free Galilee. 463 00:33:16,744 --> 00:33:18,954 People's Front of Judea. Ofticials. 464 00:33:20,748 --> 00:33:24,584 -What's your group doing here? -We're gonna kidnap Pilate's wife. 465 00:33:24,752 --> 00:33:26,086 -So are we. -What? 466 00:33:26,254 --> 00:33:27,921 That's our plan. 467 00:33:28,089 --> 00:33:29,965 -We were here first. -What do you mean? 468 00:33:30,174 --> 00:33:32,050 -We thought of it first. -Oh, yeah? 469 00:33:32,218 --> 00:33:34,302 Yes, a couple of years ago. 470 00:33:34,470 --> 00:33:37,431 -We did. -You got all your demands worked out? 471 00:33:37,598 --> 00:33:39,599 -Of course we have. -What are they? 472 00:33:39,767 --> 00:33:42,227 -Well, I'm not telling you. -Pull the other one. 473 00:33:42,395 --> 00:33:44,896 That's not the point. We thought of it before you. 474 00:33:45,064 --> 00:33:46,106 -Did not. -We did. 475 00:33:46,274 --> 00:33:48,483 -You didn't. -We bloody did! 476 00:33:48,693 --> 00:33:50,819 Bastards, we've been planning this for months. 477 00:33:50,987 --> 00:33:53,071 Well, tough titty for you, fish-face. 478 00:33:53,239 --> 00:33:55,115 -All right. -Why you sly-- 479 00:33:55,283 --> 00:33:57,951 Brothers! Brothers! We should be struggling together! 480 00:33:58,119 --> 00:34:00,287 We are. 481 00:34:00,455 --> 00:34:01,747 We mustn't fight each other! 482 00:34:01,914 --> 00:34:05,125 Surely, we should be united against the common enemy! 483 00:34:05,460 --> 00:34:07,335 The Judean People's Front?! 484 00:34:07,503 --> 00:34:10,130 No, no, the Romans! 485 00:34:10,298 --> 00:34:12,632 -Oh, yeah. -Yes. 486 00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:14,342 -Yeah, he's right. -Look out! 487 00:34:14,510 --> 00:34:16,219 Careful. 488 00:34:21,309 --> 00:34:23,435 -Right! Where were we? -You were gonna punch me. 489 00:34:23,603 --> 00:34:24,895 Oh, yeah! 490 00:34:48,002 --> 00:34:49,795 Brothers! 491 00:34:49,962 --> 00:34:52,130 Get off! 492 00:35:51,566 --> 00:35:55,235 -You lucky bastard. -Who's that? 493 00:35:55,403 --> 00:35:58,738 -You lucky, lucky bastard. -What? 494 00:35:58,906 --> 00:36:02,075 -Proper little jailer's pet, aren't we? -What do you mean? 495 00:36:02,243 --> 00:36:04,828 You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh? 496 00:36:04,996 --> 00:36:07,956 Slipped him a few shekels? You saw him spit in my face! 497 00:36:08,124 --> 00:36:12,085 What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face? 498 00:36:12,253 --> 00:36:16,965 I sometimes hang awake at night, dreaming of being spat at in the face . 499 00:36:17,133 --> 00:36:19,926 Well, it's not exactly friendly. They had me in manacles! 500 00:36:20,094 --> 00:36:22,095 Manacles! 501 00:36:22,763 --> 00:36:24,055 My idea of heaven... 502 00:36:24,223 --> 00:36:28,351 ...is to be allowed to be put in manacles just for a few hours. 503 00:36:28,519 --> 00:36:32,606 They must think the sun shines out of your arse, sonny. 504 00:36:32,773 --> 00:36:34,691 Lay off me, I've had a hard time! 505 00:36:34,859 --> 00:36:37,777 You've had a hard time? I've been here five years... 506 00:36:37,945 --> 00:36:41,448 ...they only hung me the right way up yesterday! So don't you come around-- 507 00:36:41,616 --> 00:36:42,866 All right, all right. 508 00:36:43,409 --> 00:36:47,662 They must think you're Lord God almighty. 509 00:36:47,872 --> 00:36:49,414 What will they do to me? 510 00:36:49,582 --> 00:36:51,625 You'll probably get away with crucifixion. 511 00:36:51,959 --> 00:36:54,794 -Crucifixion?! -Yeah. First offense . 512 00:36:54,962 --> 00:36:58,840 -Get away with crucifixion?! lt's-- -Best thing the Romans ever did for us. 513 00:36:59,008 --> 00:37:00,258 -What?! -Oh, yeah. 514 00:37:00,426 --> 00:37:03,303 lf we didn't have crucifixion' this country would be a mess. 515 00:37:03,638 --> 00:37:06,306 -Guard! -Nail them up, I say! 516 00:37:06,474 --> 00:37:09,476 -Guard! -Nail some sense into them! 517 00:37:10,269 --> 00:37:14,856 -What do you want? -I want you to move me to another cell. 518 00:37:15,316 --> 00:37:18,360 Oh, look at that! Bloody favoritism! 519 00:37:18,694 --> 00:37:21,321 -Shut up, you. -Sorry. 520 00:37:24,450 --> 00:37:27,035 Now, take my case. They hung me up here five years ago. 521 00:37:27,203 --> 00:37:29,371 Every night they take me down for 20 minutes... 522 00:37:29,538 --> 00:37:30,830 ...then they hang me up again. 523 00:37:30,998 --> 00:37:33,833 Which I regard as very fair in view of what I've done. 524 00:37:34,168 --> 00:37:38,797 And if nothing else, it's taught me to respect the Romans... 525 00:37:38,965 --> 00:37:42,509 ...and it's taught me that you'll never get anywhere in this life... 526 00:37:42,677 --> 00:37:47,180 ...unless you are prepared to do a fair day's work for a fair day's-- 527 00:37:47,348 --> 00:37:49,849 Shut up! 528 00:37:51,352 --> 00:37:53,561 -Pilate wants to see you! -Me? 529 00:37:53,729 --> 00:37:54,729 Come on! 530 00:37:54,897 --> 00:37:56,690 Pilate? What does he want to see me for? 531 00:37:56,857 --> 00:38:00,568 I think he wants to know which way you ought to be crucified. 532 00:38:02,154 --> 00:38:04,906 -Nice one, centurion. Like it, like it. -Shut up! 533 00:38:05,366 --> 00:38:07,158 Right. Right. 534 00:38:08,244 --> 00:38:12,038 Terrific race, the Romans. Terrific. 535 00:38:29,682 --> 00:38:31,016 -Hail Caesar. -Hail. 536 00:38:31,183 --> 00:38:33,435 Only one survivor, sir. 537 00:38:33,602 --> 00:38:35,395 Throw him to the floor. 538 00:38:35,563 --> 00:38:39,566 -What, sir? -Throw him to the floor. 539 00:38:43,487 --> 00:38:46,740 Now, what is your name, Jew? 540 00:38:47,366 --> 00:38:49,743 -Brian, sir. -Brian, eh? 541 00:38:49,910 --> 00:38:51,745 No, no, Brian. 542 00:38:54,415 --> 00:38:56,958 The little rascal has spirit. 543 00:38:57,126 --> 00:38:59,085 -Has what, sir? -Spirit. 544 00:38:59,253 --> 00:39:01,254 Yes, he did, sir. 545 00:39:01,422 --> 00:39:06,634 No, no, spirit. Bravado, a touch of derring-do. 546 00:39:07,261 --> 00:39:10,221 About 11, sir. 547 00:39:11,140 --> 00:39:12,807 So.... 548 00:39:13,559 --> 00:39:16,102 -You dare to raid us? -To what, sir? 549 00:39:16,270 --> 00:39:20,106 Strike him, centurion, very roughly. 550 00:39:20,274 --> 00:39:22,942 And throw him to the floor, sir? 551 00:39:23,110 --> 00:39:25,111 -What? -Throw him to the floor again, sir? 552 00:39:25,279 --> 00:39:28,531 Oh, yes. Throw him to the floor, please. 553 00:39:30,076 --> 00:39:33,370 Now, Jewish rapscallion.... 554 00:39:33,746 --> 00:39:35,622 I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman. 555 00:39:35,956 --> 00:39:38,541 -A Roman? -No, no, Roman. 556 00:39:40,461 --> 00:39:44,005 So your father was a Roman? 557 00:39:44,173 --> 00:39:45,632 Who was he? 558 00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:49,677 He was a centurion in the Jerusalem garrison, sir. 559 00:39:49,845 --> 00:39:51,513 Really? 560 00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:56,184 -What was his name? -Naughtius Maximus. 561 00:39:58,813 --> 00:40:02,857 Centurion, do you have anyone of that name in the garrison? 562 00:40:03,192 --> 00:40:04,984 Well, no, sir. 563 00:40:05,152 --> 00:40:07,987 Well, you sound very sure. Have you checked? 564 00:40:08,155 --> 00:40:11,991 Well, no, sir. I think it's a joke, sir. 565 00:40:12,159 --> 00:40:17,622 Like "Sillius Soddus" or "Biggus Dickus," sir. 566 00:40:17,873 --> 00:40:22,335 What's so funny about Biggus Dickus? 567 00:40:22,670 --> 00:40:25,588 Well, it's a joke name, sir. 568 00:40:26,215 --> 00:40:30,218 I have a very great friend in Rome called Biggus Dickus. 569 00:40:32,012 --> 00:40:34,889 Silence! What is all this insolence? 570 00:40:35,099 --> 00:40:38,476 You will find yourself in gladiator school very quickly... 571 00:40:38,644 --> 00:40:40,520 ...with rotten behavior like that. 572 00:40:40,688 --> 00:40:43,356 Can I go now, sir? 573 00:40:44,692 --> 00:40:47,152 Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this. 574 00:40:47,319 --> 00:40:50,405 -Right! Take him away! -Sir, he-- 575 00:40:50,614 --> 00:40:53,575 No, no, I want him fighting rabid wild animals within a week! 576 00:40:53,742 --> 00:40:57,203 Yes, sir. Come on, you. 577 00:41:00,040 --> 00:41:05,378 I will not have my friends ridiculed by the common soldiery! 578 00:41:07,214 --> 00:41:10,550 Anybody else feel like a little... 579 00:41:10,718 --> 00:41:12,218 ...giggle... 580 00:41:12,386 --> 00:41:15,555 ...when I mention my friend... 581 00:41:16,015 --> 00:41:18,016 ...Biggus... 582 00:41:19,226 --> 00:41:21,186 ...Dickus? 583 00:41:24,398 --> 00:41:25,899 And what about you? 584 00:41:26,066 --> 00:41:29,569 Do you find it risible... 585 00:41:31,238 --> 00:41:34,616 ...when I say the name... 586 00:41:34,783 --> 00:41:36,868 ...Biggus... 587 00:41:38,162 --> 00:41:40,079 ...Dickus? 588 00:41:58,682 --> 00:42:01,935 He has a wife, you know. 589 00:42:02,478 --> 00:42:05,563 You know what she's called? 590 00:42:07,608 --> 00:42:09,609 She's called... 591 00:42:09,777 --> 00:42:12,111 ...lncontinentia. 592 00:42:14,240 --> 00:42:16,616 lncontinentia Buttocks. Shut up! 593 00:42:16,784 --> 00:42:18,326 What is all this? 594 00:42:18,494 --> 00:42:22,121 I've had enough of this rowdy-rebel, sniggering behavior! 595 00:42:22,289 --> 00:42:25,542 Silence! You call yourselves centurion guards? 596 00:42:25,709 --> 00:42:29,462 Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him! 597 00:44:27,122 --> 00:44:30,708 You lucky bastard. 598 00:44:45,599 --> 00:44:48,768 And the beast's head shall be huge and black... 599 00:44:48,936 --> 00:44:53,523 ...and the eyes. They're of red, with the blood of living creatures! 600 00:44:53,941 --> 00:44:59,654 And the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent... 601 00:44:59,863 --> 00:45:04,992 ...and throughout the land shall be a great rubbing of parts. 602 00:45:05,160 --> 00:45:09,330 And the demon shall bear a nine-bladed sword! 603 00:45:09,498 --> 00:45:13,918 Nine-bladed! Not two or five or seven, but nine! 604 00:45:14,086 --> 00:45:16,546 Which he will wield on all wretched sinners. 605 00:45:16,714 --> 00:45:18,798 Sinners just like you, sir, there. 606 00:45:18,966 --> 00:45:23,136 -And the horns shall be on the head... -Through Hebediah, his servant... 607 00:45:23,303 --> 00:45:28,307 ...there shall in that time be rumors of things going astray... 608 00:45:28,475 --> 00:45:32,979 ...and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are. 609 00:45:33,147 --> 00:45:37,275 And nobody will really know where lieth those little things... 610 00:45:37,443 --> 00:45:41,988 ...with the sort of raffia-work base' that has an attachment. 611 00:45:42,322 --> 00:45:47,493 At this time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer... 612 00:45:47,661 --> 00:45:50,663 ...and the young shall not know where lieth... 613 00:45:50,831 --> 00:45:52,832 ...the things possessed by their fathers... 614 00:45:53,000 --> 00:45:56,753 ...that their fathers put there only just the night before, about 8:00 . 615 00:45:56,920 --> 00:45:59,839 Yea, it is written in the Book of Cyril.. 616 00:46:00,007 --> 00:46:03,718 ...that in that time shall the turds... 617 00:46:12,227 --> 00:46:14,187 -How much? Quickly. -What? 618 00:46:14,354 --> 00:46:17,857 -lt's for the wife . -Twenty shekels. 619 00:46:18,025 --> 00:46:19,484 -Right. -What? 620 00:46:19,651 --> 00:46:21,360 -There you are. -Wait a minute. 621 00:46:21,528 --> 00:46:23,738 -What? -Well, we're supposed to haggle. 622 00:46:23,947 --> 00:46:25,740 -No, I've got to-- -What do you mean, "No"? 623 00:46:25,949 --> 00:46:27,408 -I haven't got time-- -Give it back. 624 00:46:27,576 --> 00:46:29,368 -No, no, no, I just paid you. -Burt. 625 00:46:29,536 --> 00:46:31,579 -Yeah? -This bloke won't haggle. 626 00:46:31,747 --> 00:46:34,415 -Won't haggle?! -All right, do we have to? 627 00:46:34,583 --> 00:46:37,376 -Now look, I want 20 for that. -I just gave you 20. 628 00:46:37,544 --> 00:46:40,004 -Are you telling me that's not worth 20? -No. 629 00:46:40,172 --> 00:46:42,548 Look. Feel the quality, that's none of your goat. 630 00:46:42,716 --> 00:46:45,551 -All right, I'll give you 19 . -No, come on, do it properly. 631 00:46:45,719 --> 00:46:48,346 -What? -Haggle properly, this isn't worth 19. 632 00:46:48,514 --> 00:46:51,224 -Well, you just said it was worth 20. -Oh, dear, oh, dear. 633 00:46:51,391 --> 00:46:53,559 -Come on, haggle. -All right, I'll give you 10. 634 00:46:53,727 --> 00:46:57,021 That's more like it. Ten? Are you trying to insult me? 635 00:46:57,189 --> 00:47:00,066 Me, with a poor, dying grandmother? Ten? 636 00:47:00,234 --> 00:47:03,027 -All right, I'll give you 11. -Now you're getting it. 11?! 637 00:47:03,195 --> 00:47:04,904 Did I hear you right? 11? 638 00:47:05,072 --> 00:47:07,907 -This cost me 12, you want to ruin me? -Seventeen? 639 00:47:08,075 --> 00:47:10,743 -No, no, no, no, "17"! -Eighteen? 640 00:47:10,911 --> 00:47:13,913 -No, no, you go to 14 now. -All right, I'll give you 14. 641 00:47:14,081 --> 00:47:17,124 -Fourteen!? Are you joking? -That's what you told me to say! 642 00:47:17,292 --> 00:47:19,502 -Oh, dear. -Tell me what to say, please! 643 00:47:20,671 --> 00:47:22,588 -Offer me 14. -I'll give you 14. 644 00:47:22,756 --> 00:47:25,758 -He's oftering me 14 for this! -Fifteen! 645 00:47:25,926 --> 00:47:29,136 Seventeen. My last word, I won't take a penny less, or strike me dead. 646 00:47:29,304 --> 00:47:31,013 -Sixteen. -Done. 647 00:47:31,640 --> 00:47:33,099 Nice to do business with you. 648 00:47:33,267 --> 00:47:35,601 -I'll throw you in this as well. -I don't want it. 649 00:47:35,769 --> 00:47:37,395 -Burt. -Yeah. 650 00:47:37,563 --> 00:47:39,605 -All right. -Now, where's the 16 you owe me? 651 00:47:39,773 --> 00:47:40,940 I just gave you 20. 652 00:47:41,108 --> 00:47:43,943 -That's right, that's four I owe you. -No, that's all right. 653 00:47:44,111 --> 00:47:47,280 -No, I've got it here. -lt's all right, that's four for the gourd. 654 00:47:47,447 --> 00:47:49,949 Four? For this gourd? Four!? 655 00:47:50,117 --> 00:47:52,285 lt's worth 10 if it's worth a shekel! 656 00:47:52,452 --> 00:47:55,621 -You just gave it to me for nothing. -Yes, but it's worth 10. 657 00:47:55,956 --> 00:47:57,456 All right, all right. 658 00:48:00,168 --> 00:48:03,462 No, no, no, no, it's not worth 10, you're supposed to argue. 659 00:48:03,630 --> 00:48:06,132 "Ten for that? You must be mad!" 660 00:48:08,886 --> 00:48:12,221 Oh, well. One born every minute. 661 00:48:12,639 --> 00:48:14,307 -Daniel. -Daniel. 662 00:48:14,474 --> 00:48:15,600 -Job. -Job. 663 00:48:15,767 --> 00:48:17,268 -Job. -Joshua. 664 00:48:17,436 --> 00:48:18,644 -Joshua. -Joshua. 665 00:48:18,812 --> 00:48:19,979 -Judges. -Judges. 666 00:48:20,147 --> 00:48:21,772 -Judges. -And Brian. 667 00:48:21,940 --> 00:48:24,358 -And Brian. -And Brian. 668 00:48:24,568 --> 00:48:28,362 I now propose that all seven of these ex-brothers... 669 00:48:28,572 --> 00:48:31,824 ...be now entered in the minutes as probationary martyrs to the cause. 670 00:48:31,992 --> 00:48:35,661 -I second that, Reg. -Thank you, Loretta. On the nod. 671 00:48:35,829 --> 00:48:39,832 Siblings, let us not be down on it. 672 00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:44,837 One total catastrophe like this is just the beginning! 673 00:48:45,005 --> 00:48:47,924 Their glorious deaths shall unite us all in a-- 674 00:48:48,091 --> 00:48:50,301 Look out! 675 00:49:01,188 --> 00:49:02,855 Hello? 676 00:49:03,023 --> 00:49:04,732 Matthias? 677 00:49:05,484 --> 00:49:08,527 -Reg. -Go away. 678 00:49:09,029 --> 00:49:13,074 -Reg, it's me, Brian. -Get off. Get off out of it. 679 00:49:13,241 --> 00:49:14,492 -Stan? -Piss off. 680 00:49:14,660 --> 00:49:17,119 -Yeah, piss off. -Bugger off. 681 00:49:20,332 --> 00:49:22,291 Shit! 682 00:49:22,459 --> 00:49:24,377 Coming. 683 00:49:29,091 --> 00:49:32,718 Yea, verily at that time, which is written in the Book of Obadiah... 684 00:49:32,886 --> 00:49:37,223 ...a man shall strike his donkey and his nephew's donkey... 685 00:49:37,391 --> 00:49:40,643 ...and anyone in the vicinity of either the nephew or the donkey. 686 00:49:40,811 --> 00:49:44,105 My eyes are dim, I cannot see. 687 00:49:44,272 --> 00:49:46,107 -Are you Matthias? -Yes. 688 00:49:46,274 --> 00:49:49,026 We believe you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth... 689 00:49:49,194 --> 00:49:52,530 ...member of the terrorist organization the People's Front of Judea. 690 00:49:52,698 --> 00:49:57,410 Me? No, I'm just a poor old man' I have no time for lawbreakers. 691 00:49:57,577 --> 00:50:01,789 My legs are gray, my ears are nulled, my eyes are old and bent-- 692 00:50:01,957 --> 00:50:03,207 Quiet! 693 00:50:03,375 --> 00:50:07,586 Silly person. Guards, search the house. 694 00:50:16,930 --> 00:50:19,223 You know the penalty laid down by Roman law... 695 00:50:19,391 --> 00:50:21,434 ...for harboring a known criminal? 696 00:50:21,601 --> 00:50:24,812 -No. -Crucifixion. 697 00:50:26,273 --> 00:50:29,775 -Nasty, eh? -lt could be worse. 698 00:50:29,943 --> 00:50:34,280 -What do you mean, "could be worse"? -Well, you could be stabbed. 699 00:50:34,448 --> 00:50:36,323 Stabbed? lt takes a second. 700 00:50:36,491 --> 00:50:40,911 Crucifixion lasts hours. lt's a slow, horrible death. 701 00:50:41,079 --> 00:50:44,915 Well, at least it gets you out in the open air. 702 00:50:45,083 --> 00:50:47,710 You're weird. 703 00:50:54,760 --> 00:50:57,845 No, sir, couldn't find anything, sir. 704 00:50:58,013 --> 00:51:02,183 Well, don't worry, you've not seen the last of us, weirdo. 705 00:51:02,350 --> 00:51:04,852 -Big nose. -Watch it! 706 00:51:08,023 --> 00:51:10,357 That was lucky. 707 00:51:13,195 --> 00:51:17,114 -I'm sorry, Reg. -Oh, it's all right. Siblings, he's sorry. 708 00:51:17,282 --> 00:51:19,992 He's sorry he led the Fifth legion to our headquarters. 709 00:51:20,160 --> 00:51:21,827 Well, that's all right then, Brian. 710 00:51:21,995 --> 00:51:25,122 Sit down! Have a scone. Make yourself at home. 711 00:51:25,290 --> 00:51:26,832 You klutz! 712 00:51:27,000 --> 00:51:32,254 You stupid, birdbrained, flat-headed-- 713 00:51:35,092 --> 00:51:37,551 --with a great juicy melon behind. 714 00:51:39,137 --> 00:51:42,556 My legs are old and bent' my ears are grizzled, yes? 715 00:51:42,766 --> 00:51:45,851 There's one place we didn't look. Guards! 716 00:51:46,019 --> 00:51:48,896 I'm just a poor old man, my sight is dim... 717 00:51:49,064 --> 00:51:52,233 ...my eyes are poor, my nose is knackered. 718 00:51:52,400 --> 00:51:57,530 -Have you ever seen anyone crucified? -Crucifixion's a doddle. 719 00:51:57,697 --> 00:52:00,574 Don't keep saying that. 720 00:52:04,079 --> 00:52:06,372 Found this spoon, sir. 721 00:52:06,540 --> 00:52:09,208 Well done, sergeant. 722 00:52:09,376 --> 00:52:13,420 We'll be back, oddball. 723 00:52:16,216 --> 00:52:19,552 -Open up. -You haven't given us time to hide. 724 00:52:44,119 --> 00:52:48,914 Don't pass judgment on other people' or you might get judged yourself. 725 00:52:49,082 --> 00:52:50,124 What? 726 00:52:50,333 --> 00:52:52,710 I said, don't pass judgment on other people... 727 00:52:52,878 --> 00:52:55,546 ...or else you might get judged too. 728 00:52:55,714 --> 00:52:57,047 -Who, me? -Yes. 729 00:52:57,215 --> 00:53:00,801 -Thank you very much. -Well, not just you, all of you. 730 00:53:00,969 --> 00:53:03,220 -That's a nice gourd. -What? 731 00:53:03,388 --> 00:53:05,598 -How much do you want for the gourd? -You can have it. 732 00:53:05,765 --> 00:53:08,434 -Have it? -Yes. Consider the lilies. 733 00:53:08,602 --> 00:53:10,811 -Don't you want to haggle? -No. ln the field. 734 00:53:10,979 --> 00:53:13,147 -What's wrong with it, then? -Nothing, take it. 735 00:53:13,315 --> 00:53:16,275 -Consider the lilies? -Well, the birds, then. 736 00:53:16,443 --> 00:53:17,985 -What birds? -Any birds. 737 00:53:18,153 --> 00:53:21,280 -Why? -Well, have they got jobs? 738 00:53:21,448 --> 00:53:22,990 -Who? -The birds. 739 00:53:23,158 --> 00:53:24,992 Have the birds got jobs?! 740 00:53:25,160 --> 00:53:28,120 -What's the matter with him? -He says the birds are scrounging. 741 00:53:28,288 --> 00:53:31,624 No, the point is the birds' they do all right, don't they? 742 00:53:31,791 --> 00:53:34,501 -Well, and good luck to them! -Yeah, they're very pretty. 743 00:53:34,669 --> 00:53:38,797 Okay. And you're much more important than they are, right? 744 00:53:38,965 --> 00:53:41,383 So, what are you worrying about? There you are! See? 745 00:53:41,760 --> 00:53:44,136 I'm worrying about what you've got against birds. 746 00:53:44,638 --> 00:53:47,139 I haven't got anything against birds. Consider lilies-- 747 00:53:47,307 --> 00:53:50,351 -He's having a go at the flowers now. -Give the flowers a chance . 748 00:53:50,518 --> 00:53:52,645 -I'll give you one for it. -lt's yours! 749 00:53:52,812 --> 00:53:54,104 Two then. 750 00:53:54,272 --> 00:53:56,899 Look, there was this man, and he had two servants-- 751 00:53:57,067 --> 00:53:58,150 -What were they called? -What? 752 00:53:58,318 --> 00:54:00,486 -What were their names? -I don't know. 753 00:54:00,654 --> 00:54:02,112 And he gave them some talents-- 754 00:54:02,280 --> 00:54:04,657 -You don't know? -Well, it doesn't matter. 755 00:54:04,824 --> 00:54:06,784 He doesn't know what they were called! 756 00:54:06,952 --> 00:54:09,036 Oh, they were called Simon and Adrian. Now-- 757 00:54:09,204 --> 00:54:10,621 You said you didn't know! 758 00:54:10,789 --> 00:54:13,457 lt doesn't matter, the point is there were two servants-- 759 00:54:13,625 --> 00:54:16,502 -He's making it up as he goes along! -No, I'm not! 760 00:54:16,670 --> 00:54:19,004 And he gave them-- Wait a minute, were there three? 761 00:54:19,172 --> 00:54:21,507 -He's terrible. -There were three-- 762 00:54:21,675 --> 00:54:25,010 -He's still a traitor! -Oh, get off! 763 00:54:30,934 --> 00:54:33,852 Now hear this. Blessed are they... 764 00:54:34,020 --> 00:54:38,565 ...who convert their neighbor's ox, for they shall inhibit their girth. 765 00:54:38,733 --> 00:54:44,029 -Rubbish! -And to them only shall be given.... 766 00:54:44,197 --> 00:54:46,448 To them only... 767 00:54:47,242 --> 00:54:50,369 ...shall be given... 768 00:54:52,205 --> 00:54:53,831 What? 769 00:54:53,999 --> 00:54:56,875 -Shall be given what? -Oh, nothing. 770 00:54:57,043 --> 00:54:58,711 -What were you going to say? -Nothing. 771 00:54:58,878 --> 00:55:01,046 -You were going to say something. -I finished. 772 00:55:01,214 --> 00:55:03,549 -Oh, no, no. -Come on, tell us before you go. 773 00:55:03,717 --> 00:55:05,718 -I wasn't going to say anything. -No, you hadn't. 774 00:55:05,885 --> 00:55:07,761 -What won't he tell us? -He won't say. 775 00:55:07,971 --> 00:55:09,388 -ls it a secret? -No. 776 00:55:09,556 --> 00:55:11,557 -ls it? -lt must be, otherwise he'd tell us. 777 00:55:11,725 --> 00:55:13,225 -Tell us. -Leave me alone. 778 00:55:13,393 --> 00:55:15,894 -What is the secret? -ls it the secret of eternal life? 779 00:55:16,062 --> 00:55:17,104 He won't say! 780 00:55:17,272 --> 00:55:19,773 lf I knew the secret of eternal life, I wouldn't say. 781 00:55:19,983 --> 00:55:21,775 -Leave me alone. -Just tell me, please. 782 00:55:21,985 --> 00:55:24,445 -No, tell us, master, we were here first. -Rubbish! 783 00:55:24,612 --> 00:55:26,363 -Five! -Go away! 784 00:55:26,531 --> 00:55:28,407 -Tell us, master. -I can't go above 5. 785 00:55:28,575 --> 00:55:31,535 -ls that his gourd? -Yes, but it's under offer. 786 00:55:31,703 --> 00:55:34,913 -This is his gourd. -Ten! 787 00:55:35,081 --> 00:55:40,252 lt is his gourd. We will carry it for you, master. 788 00:55:40,420 --> 00:55:42,087 Master? 789 00:55:42,255 --> 00:55:45,632 He's gone. He's been taken up. 790 00:55:45,800 --> 00:55:49,261 -Oh, he has been taken up! -Eighteen! 791 00:55:49,429 --> 00:55:51,138 No, there he is. Over there . 792 00:56:17,248 --> 00:56:19,083 Look! 793 00:56:19,667 --> 00:56:23,629 -He has given us a sign. -He has given us his shoe. 794 00:56:23,797 --> 00:56:26,590 The shoe is the sign! Let us follow his example! 795 00:56:26,758 --> 00:56:29,343 -What? -Let us, like him... 796 00:56:29,552 --> 00:56:32,137 ...hold up one shoe and let the other be upon our foot... 797 00:56:32,305 --> 00:56:35,682 ...for this is his sign that all who follow him shall do likewise! 798 00:56:35,850 --> 00:56:40,979 No, no, the shoe is a sign that we must gather shoes together in abundance. 799 00:56:41,147 --> 00:56:45,984 -Cast off the shoes. Follow the gourd! -No, let us gather shoes together. 800 00:56:46,152 --> 00:56:47,694 -Let me! -Oh, get off! 801 00:56:47,862 --> 00:56:49,988 No, it is a sign that, like him, we must think... 802 00:56:50,156 --> 00:56:52,991 ...not of the things of the body, but of the face and head! 803 00:56:53,159 --> 00:56:56,036 -Give me your shoe! -Get off! 804 00:56:56,204 --> 00:56:59,373 Follow the gourd, the holy gourd of Jerusalem! 805 00:56:59,582 --> 00:57:02,501 -The gourd! -Hold up the sandal, like he has-- 806 00:57:02,669 --> 00:57:05,379 -lt is a shoe! lt is a shoe! -lt's a sandal! 807 00:57:05,588 --> 00:57:08,549 -No, it isn't! lt is a shoe! -Cast it away! 808 00:57:08,716 --> 00:57:10,175 -Put it on! -Now clear off. 809 00:57:10,343 --> 00:57:12,469 Take the shoes and follow him! 810 00:57:12,637 --> 00:57:17,975 Come all ye who call yourselves Gourdenes. 811 00:57:18,893 --> 00:57:20,686 Stop, I say. 812 00:57:20,854 --> 00:57:24,314 Stop. Let us... 813 00:57:24,482 --> 00:57:26,525 Let us pray. 814 00:57:26,693 --> 00:57:33,157 Yea, he cometh to us like the seed to the grave... 815 00:57:54,888 --> 00:57:58,056 Master! 816 00:58:19,746 --> 00:58:23,790 Hey, is there another way down? 817 00:58:23,958 --> 00:58:27,794 ls there another path down to the river? 818 00:58:27,962 --> 00:58:30,088 Please, please, help me! I've got to get-- 819 00:58:34,177 --> 00:58:36,803 My foot! 820 00:58:36,971 --> 00:58:40,599 -Damn! Damn! Damn! -I'm sorry. 821 00:58:40,767 --> 00:58:44,311 -Damn! Damn and blast it! -I'm sorry! 822 00:58:44,479 --> 00:58:48,774 Don't you shush me. Eighteen years of total silence , and you shush me. 823 00:58:48,942 --> 00:58:52,277 -What? -I've kept my vow for 18 years. 824 00:58:52,445 --> 00:58:56,490 Not a single recognizable, articulate sound has passed my lips. 825 00:58:56,699 --> 00:58:58,742 Please be quiet for another five minutes. 826 00:58:58,910 --> 00:59:01,620 lt doesn't matter now, I might as well enjoy myself. 827 00:59:01,788 --> 00:59:05,332 The times in the last 18 years I wanted to shout and sing... 828 00:59:05,500 --> 00:59:08,961 ...and scream my name out! Oh, I'm alive! 829 00:59:16,135 --> 00:59:20,973 I'm alive! I'm alive! Hello, birds! Hello, trees! I'm alive-- 830 00:59:21,140 --> 00:59:22,808 Get off! I'm alive! 831 00:59:27,480 --> 00:59:30,899 Master! Master! 832 00:59:31,651 --> 00:59:34,695 The master! He is here! 833 00:59:34,862 --> 00:59:37,322 -The shoe! -lt was the gourd! 834 00:59:37,490 --> 00:59:39,283 The shoe has brought us! 835 00:59:39,450 --> 00:59:42,661 Speak! Speak to us, master! Speak to us! 836 00:59:42,996 --> 00:59:47,332 -Go away! -A blessing! A blessing! 837 00:59:47,500 --> 00:59:52,170 -How shall we go away, master? -Just go away and leave me alone. 838 00:59:52,547 --> 00:59:54,172 Give us a sign. 839 00:59:54,340 --> 00:59:57,759 He has given us a sign, he has brought us to this place! 840 00:59:57,927 --> 01:00:00,679 I didn't bring you here! You just followed me! 841 01:00:00,847 --> 01:00:03,515 lt's still a good sign, by any standard. 842 01:00:03,683 --> 01:00:06,810 Master, your people have walked many miles to be with you. 843 01:00:06,978 --> 01:00:08,854 They are weary and have not eaten. 844 01:00:09,022 --> 01:00:13,609 -lt's not my fault they haven't eaten! -There is no food in this high mountain. 845 01:00:13,776 --> 01:00:16,903 What about the juniper bushes over there? 846 01:00:17,655 --> 01:00:20,866 A miracle! A miracle! 847 01:00:21,034 --> 01:00:24,536 He has made the bush fruitful by his word! 848 01:00:24,704 --> 01:00:26,538 They brought forth juniper berries! 849 01:00:26,706 --> 01:00:29,916 Of course they brought forth juniper berries, they're juniper bushes. 850 01:00:30,084 --> 01:00:31,293 What do you expect?! 851 01:00:31,461 --> 01:00:33,170 Show us another miracle. 852 01:00:33,338 --> 01:00:35,380 Do not tempt him, shallow ones! 853 01:00:35,548 --> 01:00:38,383 ls not the miracle of the juniper bushes enough? 854 01:00:39,385 --> 01:00:43,388 -I say, those are my juniper bushes. -They are a gift from God! 855 01:00:43,556 --> 01:00:45,932 They're all I've bloody got to eat. 856 01:00:46,100 --> 01:00:50,562 I say, get off of those bushes! Go on! Clear off, the lot of you. 857 01:00:50,730 --> 01:00:56,193 -Lord, I am affected by a bald patch. -I'm healed! 858 01:00:56,361 --> 01:00:59,279 -The master has healed me! -I didn't touch him! 859 01:00:59,447 --> 01:01:01,948 I was blind, and now I can see! 860 01:01:02,116 --> 01:01:06,453 A miracle! A miracle! A miracle! 861 01:01:08,331 --> 01:01:13,168 Tell them to stop it. I hadn't said a word for 18 years till he came along. 862 01:01:13,336 --> 01:01:17,005 A miracle! He is the Messiah! 863 01:01:17,173 --> 01:01:18,757 And he hurt my foot! 864 01:01:18,925 --> 01:01:22,219 Hurt my foot, Lord! Hurt mine! Hurt mine! 865 01:01:22,387 --> 01:01:26,014 -Hail Messiah! -I'm not the Messiah! 866 01:01:26,182 --> 01:01:29,434 I say you are, Lord. And I should know, I've followed a few! 867 01:01:29,602 --> 01:01:33,063 -Hail Messiah! -I'm not the Messiah! 868 01:01:33,231 --> 01:01:36,441 Would you please listen, I am not the Messiah, do you understand? 869 01:01:36,609 --> 01:01:38,276 Honestly! 870 01:01:38,945 --> 01:01:42,781 Only the true Messiah denies his divinity. 871 01:01:42,949 --> 01:01:46,076 What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? 872 01:01:46,244 --> 01:01:52,290 -All right, I am the Messiah! -He is! He is the Messiah! 873 01:01:52,458 --> 01:01:54,668 Now, fuck off! 874 01:02:02,427 --> 01:02:06,388 -How shall we fuck off, Lord? -Just go away! Leave me alone! 875 01:02:06,556 --> 01:02:09,266 You told these people to eat my juniper berries. 876 01:02:09,434 --> 01:02:12,310 You break my bloody foot' you break my vow of silence... 877 01:02:12,478 --> 01:02:15,105 ...and then you try and clean up on my juniper bushes! 878 01:02:15,273 --> 01:02:19,276 Lay off! This is the Messiah, the chosen one! 879 01:02:19,444 --> 01:02:22,404 -No, he's not. -An unbeliever! 880 01:02:22,572 --> 01:02:23,822 An unbeliever! 881 01:02:23,990 --> 01:02:29,161 -Persecute! Kill the heretic! -Yeah! Kill! Kill! Kill! 882 01:02:29,704 --> 01:02:32,664 -Kill! -Leave him alone! 883 01:02:32,832 --> 01:02:35,000 Leave him alone! 884 01:02:36,169 --> 01:02:37,335 Leave him alone. 885 01:02:37,503 --> 01:02:40,380 Put him down. Please! 886 01:02:44,177 --> 01:02:45,802 Brian? 887 01:02:45,970 --> 01:02:47,846 Judith? 888 01:03:34,143 --> 01:03:38,772 Look, there he is! The chosen one has woken! 889 01:03:41,025 --> 01:03:42,317 Brian! 890 01:03:44,070 --> 01:03:45,737 Mother! 891 01:03:45,988 --> 01:03:49,366 -Brian! -Hang on, Mother! 892 01:03:52,245 --> 01:03:55,288 -Hello, Mother. -Don't you "hello, Mother" me. 893 01:03:55,498 --> 01:03:57,123 What are those people doing out there? 894 01:03:57,291 --> 01:03:58,291 Well, I .... 895 01:03:58,459 --> 01:04:00,252 Come on! What have you been up to, my lad? 896 01:04:00,419 --> 01:04:02,754 I think they must have popped by for something. 897 01:04:02,922 --> 01:04:07,968 Popped by?! Swelled by, more like. There's a multitude out there! 898 01:04:08,135 --> 01:04:09,886 They started following me yesterday. 899 01:04:10,054 --> 01:04:13,765 Well, they can stop following you right now. 900 01:04:14,559 --> 01:04:16,685 Now stop following my son. 901 01:04:16,853 --> 01:04:19,104 You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. 902 01:04:19,272 --> 01:04:23,942 The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah! 903 01:04:24,110 --> 01:04:26,987 -The who? -The Messiah! 904 01:04:27,780 --> 01:04:29,489 There's no Messiah in here. 905 01:04:29,657 --> 01:04:31,408 There's a mess all right, but no Messiah. 906 01:04:31,576 --> 01:04:33,034 Now go away! 907 01:04:33,202 --> 01:04:35,287 Brian! Brian! 908 01:04:35,454 --> 01:04:37,831 Right, my lad, what have you been up to? 909 01:04:37,999 --> 01:04:39,833 -Nothing, Mum. -Come on, out with it. 910 01:04:40,042 --> 01:04:41,877 They think I'm the Messiah, Mum. 911 01:04:42,295 --> 01:04:44,462 -What have you been telling them? -Nothing, l-- 912 01:04:44,630 --> 01:04:46,298 You're only making it worse for yourself. 913 01:04:46,465 --> 01:04:47,632 Look, I can explain-- 914 01:04:47,800 --> 01:04:52,971 No, let me explain, Mrs. Cohen! Your son is a born leader! 915 01:04:53,139 --> 01:04:55,140 Those people out there are following him... 916 01:04:55,308 --> 01:04:58,435 ...because they believe in him. They believe he can give them hope. 917 01:04:58,603 --> 01:05:03,565 Hope of a new life, a new world, a better future! 918 01:05:04,483 --> 01:05:07,986 -Who's that!? -That's Judith, Mum. 919 01:05:08,154 --> 01:05:11,156 Judith, Mother. 920 01:05:14,452 --> 01:05:16,828 Show us the Messiah! 921 01:05:20,666 --> 01:05:23,835 Now you listen here, he's not the Messiah! 922 01:05:24,003 --> 01:05:27,422 He's a very naughty boy! Now go away! 923 01:05:27,590 --> 01:05:31,551 -who are you? -I'm his mother, that's who. 924 01:05:31,719 --> 01:05:35,972 Behold his mother! Behold his mother! 925 01:05:36,140 --> 01:05:39,392 Hail to thee, mother of Brian! 926 01:05:39,602 --> 01:05:43,313 Blessed art thou! Hosanna! 927 01:05:43,481 --> 01:05:47,859 All things to thee, now and always! 928 01:05:48,027 --> 01:05:50,904 Now, don't think you can get around me like that. 929 01:05:51,113 --> 01:05:54,741 He's not coming out' and that's my final word. 930 01:05:55,618 --> 01:05:57,285 Now shove off! 931 01:05:57,495 --> 01:05:58,870 No! 932 01:05:59,830 --> 01:06:03,416 -Did you hear what I said? -Yes! 933 01:06:03,876 --> 01:06:07,545 -Oh, I see. lt's like that, is it? -Yes! 934 01:06:08,756 --> 01:06:10,548 All right then, you can see him... 935 01:06:10,716 --> 01:06:13,385 ...for one minute' but not one second more! 936 01:06:13,552 --> 01:06:16,221 -Do you understand? -Yes. 937 01:06:16,389 --> 01:06:20,475 -Promise? -Well, all right. 938 01:06:21,060 --> 01:06:24,229 All right, here he is then. Come on, Brian, come and talk to them. 939 01:06:24,397 --> 01:06:27,107 -But, Mum, Judith-- -Leave that Welsh tart alone. 940 01:06:27,274 --> 01:06:29,734 I don't really want to, Mum. 941 01:06:36,742 --> 01:06:40,161 -Good morning! -A blessing! A blessing! 942 01:06:40,746 --> 01:06:45,250 No, please. Please, please, listen! 943 01:06:45,418 --> 01:06:48,169 I've got one or two things to say. 944 01:06:48,337 --> 01:06:50,797 Tell us! Tell us both of them! 945 01:06:51,257 --> 01:06:55,927 Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't need to follow me. 946 01:06:56,095 --> 01:06:59,639 You don't need to follow anybody! 947 01:06:59,932 --> 01:07:04,644 You've got to think for yourselves. You're all individuals! 948 01:07:04,812 --> 01:07:08,106 Yes, we're all individuals! 949 01:07:08,274 --> 01:07:10,316 You're all different. 950 01:07:10,484 --> 01:07:13,403 Yes, we are all difterent! 951 01:07:13,571 --> 01:07:15,613 I'm not. 952 01:07:16,490 --> 01:07:20,118 You've all got to work it out for yourselves! 953 01:07:20,286 --> 01:07:24,330 Yes, we've got to work it out for ourselves! 954 01:07:24,623 --> 01:07:26,624 Exactly! 955 01:07:26,792 --> 01:07:29,961 -Tell us more! -No, that's the point! 956 01:07:30,129 --> 01:07:33,173 Don't let anyone tell you what to do! 957 01:07:33,340 --> 01:07:36,718 -Otherwise-- Oh, no! -That's enough! That's enough. 958 01:07:38,637 --> 01:07:42,140 That wasn't a minute. 959 01:07:42,308 --> 01:07:46,895 -Oh, yes, it was. -Oh, no, it wasn't! 960 01:07:47,063 --> 01:07:49,898 Now stop that, and go away. 961 01:07:50,066 --> 01:07:52,150 -Excuse me? -Yes? 962 01:07:52,318 --> 01:07:53,693 Are you a virgin? 963 01:07:54,361 --> 01:07:56,571 I beg your pardon? 964 01:07:56,947 --> 01:08:01,076 Well, if it's not a personal question, are you a virgin? 965 01:08:01,243 --> 01:08:06,122 lf it's not a personal question?! How much more personal can you get? 966 01:08:06,290 --> 01:08:08,750 Now piss off. 967 01:08:10,086 --> 01:08:12,504 -She is. -Must be. Definitely. 968 01:08:12,671 --> 01:08:15,173 Definitely. Definitely. 969 01:08:18,177 --> 01:08:19,511 Morning, Savior! 970 01:08:29,021 --> 01:08:31,147 Lay your hands on me! Quick! 971 01:08:31,315 --> 01:08:34,901 Now, don't jostle the chosen one! Please! 972 01:08:35,069 --> 01:08:39,364 Don't push that baby in the Savior's face! He'll touch it later! 973 01:08:39,532 --> 01:08:40,698 I say.... 974 01:08:40,866 --> 01:08:43,159 Could he see my wife? She has a headache. 975 01:08:43,327 --> 01:08:44,744 You'll have to wait, I'm afraid! 976 01:08:44,912 --> 01:08:47,247 She's very bad, and we've got a luncheon! 977 01:08:47,414 --> 01:08:49,040 Look, the lepers are queuing! 978 01:08:49,208 --> 01:08:51,835 Her brother-in-law is the ex-mayor of Gath. 979 01:08:52,002 --> 01:08:55,922 Can I introduce you to the man who's letting us have the mounts on Sunday? 980 01:08:56,090 --> 01:08:58,758 -Hello. -Don't push! 981 01:08:58,926 --> 01:09:02,053 Now keep the noise down, please! 982 01:09:02,221 --> 01:09:03,847 Those possessed by devils.. 983 01:09:04,014 --> 01:09:06,891 ...try and keep them under control a bit! Can't you? 984 01:09:07,059 --> 01:09:10,562 lncurables, you'll just have to wait for a few minutes. 985 01:09:10,729 --> 01:09:14,899 Women taken in sin, line up against that wall, will you? 986 01:09:15,067 --> 01:09:16,317 Brian? 987 01:09:17,069 --> 01:09:19,696 Brian! You were fantastic! 988 01:09:19,864 --> 01:09:23,074 -You weren't so bad yourself. -No, what you said just now! 989 01:09:23,242 --> 01:09:25,952 -Quite extraordinary! -What? Oh, that. Was it? 990 01:09:26,120 --> 01:09:28,079 We don't need leaders! You're so right! 991 01:09:28,247 --> 01:09:30,290 Reg has been dominating us for too long. 992 01:09:30,457 --> 01:09:31,457 Well, yes... 993 01:09:31,625 --> 01:09:34,043 lt needed saying, and you said it, Brian! 994 01:09:34,211 --> 01:09:35,628 You're very attractive. 995 01:09:35,838 --> 01:09:38,882 lt's our revolution! We can all do it together! 996 01:09:39,049 --> 01:09:40,091 I think... 997 01:09:40,259 --> 01:09:43,761 We're all behind you, Brian! The revolution is in your hands! 998 01:09:43,929 --> 01:09:47,265 What? No, that's not what I meant at all! 999 01:09:47,433 --> 01:09:50,685 You're fucking nicked, me old beauty! 1000 01:09:50,853 --> 01:09:52,729 Right! 1001 01:09:58,777 --> 01:09:59,861 Stop it! 1002 01:10:02,740 --> 01:10:05,575 Well, Brian, you've given us a good run for our money. 1003 01:10:05,743 --> 01:10:07,619 A what? 1004 01:10:07,786 --> 01:10:12,415 And this time, I guarantee you will not escape. 1005 01:10:12,583 --> 01:10:17,295 Guard! Do we have any crucifixions today? 1006 01:10:17,463 --> 01:10:20,965 139, sir. Special celebration. Passover, sir. 1007 01:10:21,133 --> 01:10:26,971 Right! Now we have 140! Nice round number, eh, Biggus? 1008 01:10:28,307 --> 01:10:30,225 -Hail Caesar! -Hail! 1009 01:10:30,392 --> 01:10:34,312 The crowd are getting restless, sir. Permission to disperse them, please. 1010 01:10:35,147 --> 01:10:37,899 Disperse them? But I haven't addressed them yet! 1011 01:10:38,067 --> 01:10:39,567 No, I know, sir, but-- 1012 01:10:39,735 --> 01:10:41,653 My address is a high point of Passover! 1013 01:10:41,820 --> 01:10:45,114 My friend Biggus Dickus has come all the way from Rome to hear it! 1014 01:10:45,282 --> 01:10:47,867 -Hail Caesar! -Hail Caesar! 1015 01:10:48,661 --> 01:10:50,954 You're not... 1016 01:10:51,121 --> 01:10:54,540 You're not thinking of giving it a miss this year, then, sir? 1017 01:10:55,292 --> 01:10:56,668 Give it a miss?! 1018 01:10:56,835 --> 01:11:00,171 Well, it's just that they're in a rather funny mood today, sir. 1019 01:11:00,339 --> 01:11:01,464 Really, centurion! 1020 01:11:01,632 --> 01:11:05,718 I'm surprised to hear a man like you rattled by a rabble of rowdy rebels. 1021 01:11:06,053 --> 01:11:08,721 -A bit thundery, sir. -Take him away! 1022 01:11:08,931 --> 01:11:11,724 I'm a Roman! I can prove it, honestly! 1023 01:11:11,934 --> 01:11:15,019 And crucify him well! 1024 01:11:15,437 --> 01:11:17,313 Biggus! 1025 01:11:18,023 --> 01:11:20,483 -I really wouldn't, sir! -Out of the way, centurion! 1026 01:11:20,651 --> 01:11:21,859 Let me come with you, Pontius. 1027 01:11:22,027 --> 01:11:25,530 I may be of assistance if there is a sudden crisis! 1028 01:11:27,366 --> 01:11:29,909 Right! Now, item four: attainment of world supremacy... 1029 01:11:30,077 --> 01:11:33,204 ...within the next five years. Francis, you've done some work on this? 1030 01:11:33,372 --> 01:11:34,664 Yeah, thank you, Reg. 1031 01:11:34,832 --> 01:11:38,042 Well, quite frankly, siblings, I think five years is optimistic... 1032 01:11:38,210 --> 01:11:41,254 ...unless we can smash the Roman Empire within the next 12 months! 1033 01:11:41,463 --> 01:11:43,089 -Twelve months? -Yeah, 12 months. 1034 01:11:43,257 --> 01:11:47,051 And let's face it, as empires go, this is the big one. 1035 01:11:47,219 --> 01:11:51,055 So we gotta get up off our arses and stop just talking about it! 1036 01:11:51,223 --> 01:11:52,265 Hear! Hear! 1037 01:11:52,474 --> 01:11:56,060 I agree! lt's action that counts, not words, and we need action now! 1038 01:11:56,687 --> 01:12:00,440 You're right. We could sit around here all day, talking, passing resolutions... 1039 01:12:00,607 --> 01:12:04,527 ...making clever speeches, it's not gonna shift one Roman soldier! 1040 01:12:04,695 --> 01:12:08,072 So let's just stop gabbing on about it! lt's completely pointless... 1041 01:12:08,240 --> 01:12:10,241 -...and it's getting us nowhere! -Right! 1042 01:12:10,409 --> 01:12:12,827 I agree! This is a complete waste of time! 1043 01:12:14,204 --> 01:12:15,413 They've arrested Brian! 1044 01:12:15,581 --> 01:12:17,582 -What? -They've dragged him off! 1045 01:12:17,750 --> 01:12:19,292 They're gonna crucify him! 1046 01:12:19,501 --> 01:12:22,962 Right! This calls for immediate discussion! 1047 01:12:23,130 --> 01:12:24,213 -What?! -lmmediate! 1048 01:12:24,381 --> 01:12:25,423 -Right! -New motion? 1049 01:12:25,591 --> 01:12:31,054 Completely new motion! That there be immediate action.... 1050 01:12:31,221 --> 01:12:32,597 Once the vote has been taken. 1051 01:12:32,765 --> 01:12:35,600 Obviously once the vote's been taken. Can't act on a resolution-- 1052 01:12:35,768 --> 01:12:38,102 -Reg, let's go now, please! -Right! Right! 1053 01:12:38,270 --> 01:12:42,565 ln the light of fresh information from sibling Judith... 1054 01:12:42,733 --> 01:12:44,734 -Not so fast, Reg. -Reg, for God's sake! 1055 01:12:44,902 --> 01:12:46,944 lt's perfectly simple! 1056 01:12:47,112 --> 01:12:50,031 All you've gotta do is to go out of that door now... 1057 01:12:50,240 --> 01:12:52,784 ...and try to stop the Romans nailing him up! 1058 01:12:52,951 --> 01:12:54,452 lt's happening, Reg! 1059 01:12:54,620 --> 01:12:59,624 Something's actually happening, Reg! Can't you understand? 1060 01:13:05,089 --> 01:13:06,422 Yeah, hello. 1061 01:13:06,590 --> 01:13:08,674 Another little ego trip from the feminists. 1062 01:13:08,842 --> 01:13:11,469 -What? -Sorry, Loretta. 1063 01:13:11,637 --> 01:13:13,513 Read that back, would you? 1064 01:13:26,693 --> 01:13:28,152 Next. 1065 01:13:28,320 --> 01:13:29,779 -Crucifixion? -Yes. 1066 01:13:29,947 --> 01:13:34,659 Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each. 1067 01:13:34,827 --> 01:13:36,119 Next. 1068 01:13:36,286 --> 01:13:37,495 Crucifixion? 1069 01:13:37,663 --> 01:13:43,209 Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each. Next. 1070 01:13:43,377 --> 01:13:46,379 -Crucifixion? -No, freedom. 1071 01:13:46,588 --> 01:13:47,839 -What? -Freedom for me. 1072 01:13:48,006 --> 01:13:52,343 They said I hadn't done anything so I could go free and live on an island. 1073 01:13:53,512 --> 01:13:55,513 That's jolly good. Well, off you go, then. 1074 01:13:55,681 --> 01:13:58,683 No, I'm only pulling your leg. lt's crucifixion, really. 1075 01:13:58,851 --> 01:14:00,685 I see. Very good, very good. 1076 01:14:00,853 --> 01:14:02,019 Well, out of the door. 1077 01:14:02,187 --> 01:14:04,564 Out of the door' one cross each, line on the left. 1078 01:14:04,731 --> 01:14:07,859 Line on the left. Yes, thank you. Crucifixion? 1079 01:14:08,026 --> 01:14:09,277 -Yes. -Good. 1080 01:14:23,375 --> 01:14:26,377 People of Jerusalem! 1081 01:14:28,088 --> 01:14:31,048 Rome is your friend! 1082 01:14:36,138 --> 01:14:39,932 To prove our friendship, it is customary at this time... 1083 01:14:40,142 --> 01:14:44,729 ...to release a wrongdoer from our prisons. 1084 01:14:48,650 --> 01:14:52,612 Whom would you have me release? 1085 01:14:52,779 --> 01:14:55,781 Release Roger! 1086 01:14:55,949 --> 01:14:59,744 Release Roger! Release Roger! 1087 01:15:02,581 --> 01:15:07,251 Very well, I shall release Roger! 1088 01:15:10,297 --> 01:15:13,090 -Sir, we don't have a Roger, sir. -What? 1089 01:15:13,258 --> 01:15:16,594 We don't have anyone of that name, sir. 1090 01:15:16,762 --> 01:15:19,597 We have no Roger! 1091 01:15:22,518 --> 01:15:24,977 But what about Roderick, then? 1092 01:15:25,187 --> 01:15:28,814 Release Roderick! Release Roderick! 1093 01:15:28,982 --> 01:15:33,778 Centurion, why do they titter so? 1094 01:15:34,947 --> 01:15:37,657 Just some Jewish joke, sir. 1095 01:15:39,117 --> 01:15:42,203 Are they ragging me? 1096 01:15:43,789 --> 01:15:46,123 Oh, no, sir! 1097 01:15:47,459 --> 01:15:51,796 Very well. I shall release Roderick! 1098 01:15:51,964 --> 01:15:53,839 Sir, we don't have a Roderick either. 1099 01:15:54,007 --> 01:15:57,134 -No Roger, no Roderick? -Sorry, sir. 1100 01:15:57,302 --> 01:16:02,139 Who is this--? Who is this Roderick to whom you refer? 1101 01:16:02,307 --> 01:16:03,849 He is a robber! 1102 01:16:05,227 --> 01:16:07,979 And a rapist! 1103 01:16:08,438 --> 01:16:12,191 And a pickpocket! 1104 01:16:13,527 --> 01:16:15,361 He sounds a notorious criminal. 1105 01:16:15,529 --> 01:16:17,321 We haven't got him, sir. 1106 01:16:18,323 --> 01:16:20,157 Do we have anyone in our prisons? 1107 01:16:20,325 --> 01:16:22,159 -We've got a Samson, sir. -Samson? 1108 01:16:22,327 --> 01:16:27,331 Samson the Sadducee Strangler, sir. Silas the Syrian Assassin. 1109 01:16:27,499 --> 01:16:31,335 Several seditious scribes from Caesarea. 1110 01:16:31,503 --> 01:16:32,545 Sixty-seven... 1111 01:16:32,754 --> 01:16:35,131 -Let me speak to them, Pontius! -Oh, no! 1112 01:16:35,299 --> 01:16:36,799 Good idea, Biggus! 1113 01:16:36,967 --> 01:16:41,345 Citizens! We have Samson the Sadducee Strangler... 1114 01:16:41,513 --> 01:16:43,681 ...Silas the Assyrian Assassin... 1115 01:16:43,849 --> 01:16:47,852 ...several seditious scribes from Caesarea-- 1116 01:16:48,020 --> 01:16:49,812 Next. 1117 01:16:50,272 --> 01:16:52,356 -Crucifixion? -Yes. 1118 01:16:52,524 --> 01:16:56,694 Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each. Jailor? 1119 01:16:56,862 --> 01:17:00,531 -Excuse me? There's been a mistake-- -Just a moment, would you? Jailor? 1120 01:17:00,699 --> 01:17:04,702 -How many have come through? -What? 1121 01:17:04,870 --> 01:17:07,705 How many have come through? 1122 01:17:07,873 --> 01:17:08,873 What? 1123 01:17:09,041 --> 01:17:12,084 You'll have to speak... 1124 01:17:15,005 --> 01:17:18,674 Speak up, sir. He's-- He's d-- 1125 01:17:18,842 --> 01:17:22,887 He's deaf-- Deaf as a post, sir. 1126 01:17:23,055 --> 01:17:26,849 How many have come through? 1127 01:17:30,062 --> 01:17:32,730 -Oh, dear. -I make it 90-- 1128 01:17:32,898 --> 01:17:36,233 Ninety-- 1129 01:17:37,402 --> 01:17:39,362 Ninety-six, sir. 1130 01:17:39,529 --> 01:17:42,031 lt's such a senseless waste of human life, isn't it? 1131 01:17:42,199 --> 01:17:44,367 No, sir! 1132 01:17:44,534 --> 01:17:48,579 Not with these b-- Bastards, sir! 1133 01:17:54,586 --> 01:17:56,796 Crucifixion's too good for them, sir. 1134 01:17:56,963 --> 01:17:59,548 I don't think you could say it's good, it's nasty! 1135 01:17:59,716 --> 01:18:01,842 lt's not as n-- 1136 01:18:04,763 --> 01:18:08,099 Not as nasty as something I just thought up, sir. 1137 01:18:08,266 --> 01:18:11,435 -Now, crucifixion? -ls there someone I could speak to? 1138 01:18:11,603 --> 01:18:14,939 -Well... -I know where to get it if you want it. 1139 01:18:15,107 --> 01:18:19,276 -What? -Don't worry about him, sir. He's de-- 1140 01:18:21,905 --> 01:18:24,407 He's deaf and mad, sir. 1141 01:18:24,574 --> 01:18:26,242 Well, how did he get the job? 1142 01:18:26,410 --> 01:18:28,786 Bloody Pilate's pet, sir! 1143 01:18:28,954 --> 01:18:30,287 Get a move on, big nose! 1144 01:18:30,455 --> 01:18:33,040 There's people waiting to be crucified out here! 1145 01:18:33,583 --> 01:18:35,418 Could I see a lawyer or someone? 1146 01:18:35,585 --> 01:18:37,628 -Do you have a lawyer? -No, but I'm a Roman. 1147 01:18:37,796 --> 01:18:40,214 How about a retrial? We've got plenty of time. 1148 01:18:40,757 --> 01:18:42,967 -Shut up, you! -Miserable, bloody Romans! 1149 01:18:43,135 --> 01:18:45,302 No sense of humor. 1150 01:18:45,470 --> 01:18:46,470 Sorry, bit of a hurry. 1151 01:18:46,638 --> 01:18:51,142 Can you go straight out, line on the left, one cross each? Now... 1152 01:18:59,985 --> 01:19:03,154 Was it something I said? 1153 01:19:04,823 --> 01:19:08,826 Silence! 1154 01:19:08,994 --> 01:19:13,038 This man commands a crack legion! 1155 01:19:17,210 --> 01:19:20,212 He ranks as high as any in Rome! 1156 01:19:24,926 --> 01:19:26,385 Crucifixion party? 1157 01:19:28,513 --> 01:19:29,513 Morning. 1158 01:19:29,681 --> 01:19:32,183 Now, we will be on show as we go through the town... 1159 01:19:32,350 --> 01:19:34,059 ...so let's not let the side down! 1160 01:19:34,227 --> 01:19:37,480 Keep in a line, three lengths between you and the man in front... 1161 01:19:37,647 --> 01:19:39,482 ...and a good, steady pace. 1162 01:19:39,649 --> 01:19:43,402 Crosses over your left shoulders, and if you keep your backs hard up... 1163 01:19:43,570 --> 01:19:47,072 ...against the crossbeam you'll be there in no time. 1164 01:19:47,240 --> 01:19:48,365 All right, centurion! 1165 01:19:48,533 --> 01:19:50,826 Crucifixion party! 1166 01:19:50,994 --> 01:19:52,953 Wait for it. 1167 01:19:53,121 --> 01:19:55,539 Crucifixion party! 1168 01:19:55,707 --> 01:19:59,835 By the left! Forward! 1169 01:20:03,089 --> 01:20:05,591 You lucky bastards! 1170 01:20:07,052 --> 01:20:10,721 You lucky, jabby bastards! 1171 01:20:19,105 --> 01:20:22,066 Let me shoulder your burden, brother! 1172 01:20:22,234 --> 01:20:25,402 Thank you. 1173 01:20:25,570 --> 01:20:28,614 -Hey! Hey! -What do you think you're doing? 1174 01:20:28,782 --> 01:20:29,907 lt's not my cross-- 1175 01:20:30,075 --> 01:20:34,245 Shut up and get on with it! Come on! 1176 01:20:34,412 --> 01:20:38,916 He had you there, mate , didn't he? That'll teach you a lesson! 1177 01:20:39,584 --> 01:20:41,752 All right! 1178 01:20:41,920 --> 01:20:44,171 I will give you one more chance! 1179 01:20:44,339 --> 01:20:50,594 This time I want to hear no Rubens, no Reginalds... 1180 01:20:50,762 --> 01:20:53,806 ...no Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeers. 1181 01:20:54,015 --> 01:20:55,975 No Spencer Tracys! 1182 01:20:56,142 --> 01:20:58,102 Or we shall release no one! 1183 01:20:58,270 --> 01:20:59,937 Release Brian! 1184 01:21:00,105 --> 01:21:01,480 Yeah, that's a good one! 1185 01:21:01,648 --> 01:21:06,360 Release Brian! Release Brian! 1186 01:21:07,320 --> 01:21:09,196 Very well! That's it! 1187 01:21:09,364 --> 01:21:11,740 -Sir, we have got a Brian, sir. -What? 1188 01:21:11,908 --> 01:21:17,121 -You just sent him for crucifixion, sir! -Wait! Wait! We do have a Brian. 1189 01:21:17,289 --> 01:21:20,541 -Well, go and free him, straight away! -Yes, sir. Yes, sir. 1190 01:21:22,961 --> 01:21:28,841 Very well. I shall release Brian! 1191 01:21:32,429 --> 01:21:34,930 -Get a move on, there! -Or what? 1192 01:21:35,098 --> 01:21:36,348 Or you'll be in trouble! 1193 01:21:36,558 --> 01:21:38,809 Oh, dear. You mean I might have to give up... 1194 01:21:38,977 --> 01:21:40,936 ...being crucified in the afternoons? 1195 01:21:41,104 --> 01:21:43,480 -Shut up! -That would be a blow, wouldn't it? 1196 01:21:43,648 --> 01:21:45,608 I wouldn't have nothing to do! 1197 01:21:45,775 --> 01:21:47,192 Thank you! 1198 01:21:50,322 --> 01:21:52,489 Are they gone? 1199 01:21:53,325 --> 01:21:57,620 We've got lumps of it around the back. 1200 01:21:57,787 --> 01:21:58,829 What? 1201 01:21:58,997 --> 01:22:01,707 Don't worry about him sir, he's ma-- 1202 01:22:06,796 --> 01:22:10,215 -He's mad, sir. -Have they gone? 1203 01:22:19,601 --> 01:22:22,603 -Oh, come on. -Yes, sir. 1204 01:22:23,188 --> 01:22:24,730 Anyway, get on with the story. 1205 01:22:24,898 --> 01:22:27,107 Well, I just never really liked them, so l-- 1206 01:22:28,234 --> 01:22:30,986 Right! The motion to get on with it passed with one abstention. 1207 01:22:31,154 --> 01:22:33,572 I propose we go without further ado. May I have a second? 1208 01:22:33,740 --> 01:22:35,950 -Let's just go. -Yeah. 1209 01:22:51,549 --> 01:22:56,220 -Bloody Romans! -Watch it! Still a few crosses left! 1210 01:22:57,931 --> 01:23:00,557 Up you go, big nose! 1211 01:23:00,725 --> 01:23:03,394 -I'll get you for this, you bastard! -Oh, yeah! 1212 01:23:03,561 --> 01:23:06,021 Yeah, don't worry. I never forget a face. 1213 01:23:06,189 --> 01:23:07,731 -No? -I warn you. 1214 01:23:07,899 --> 01:23:11,151 I'm gonna punch you so hard, you Roman git! 1215 01:23:11,319 --> 01:23:13,487 Shut up, you Jewish turd! 1216 01:23:13,655 --> 01:23:17,741 Who are you calling Jewish? I'm not Jewish, I'm a Samaritan! 1217 01:23:17,909 --> 01:23:20,828 A Samaritan? This is supposed to be a Jewish section! 1218 01:23:20,996 --> 01:23:24,748 lt doesn't matter! You're all gonna die in a day or two! 1219 01:23:24,916 --> 01:23:28,335 lt may not matter to you' but it matters to us. Doesn't it, darling? 1220 01:23:28,503 --> 01:23:29,753 Oh, rather! 1221 01:23:29,921 --> 01:23:31,964 Under the terms of the Roman occupancy... 1222 01:23:32,215 --> 01:23:35,217 ...we're entitled to be crucified in a purely Jewish area. 1223 01:23:35,385 --> 01:23:37,553 Pharisees separate from Sadducees! 1224 01:23:37,721 --> 01:23:39,805 And Swedish separate from Welsh! 1225 01:23:41,391 --> 01:23:44,935 All right, all right, all right! We'll soon settle this! 1226 01:23:45,103 --> 01:23:50,607 Hands up, all those who don't want to be crucified here! 1227 01:23:50,775 --> 01:23:52,609 Right! Next! 1228 01:23:52,777 --> 01:23:55,904 -Look, it's not my cross. -What? 1229 01:23:56,072 --> 01:23:58,323 lt's not my cross, I was holding it for someone. 1230 01:23:58,491 --> 01:24:00,409 Just lie down, I haven't got all day! 1231 01:24:00,577 --> 01:24:03,078 Of course. Look, I hate to make a fuss-- 1232 01:24:03,246 --> 01:24:06,331 Look, we've had a busy day' and there's 140 of you lot to get up. 1233 01:24:06,499 --> 01:24:08,959 -ls he Jewish? -Will you be quiet?! 1234 01:24:09,127 --> 01:24:11,295 We don't want more Samaritans around here. 1235 01:24:11,463 --> 01:24:12,671 Belt up! 1236 01:24:12,839 --> 01:24:14,548 Will you let me down if he comes back? 1237 01:24:14,716 --> 01:24:16,467 Yeah, yeah, we'll let you down. 1238 01:24:16,634 --> 01:24:18,260 -Next! -You don't have to do this! 1239 01:24:18,428 --> 01:24:22,514 -You don't have to take orders! -I like orders. 1240 01:24:44,329 --> 01:24:47,122 See? Not so bad once you're up. 1241 01:24:48,041 --> 01:24:51,919 -You're being rescued then, are you? -lt's a bit late for that now, isn't it? 1242 01:24:52,087 --> 01:24:54,046 No, we've got a couple of days up here. 1243 01:24:54,255 --> 01:24:56,381 Plenty of time. Lots of people get rescued. 1244 01:24:57,592 --> 01:24:59,718 Oh, yeah. My brother usually rescues me. 1245 01:24:59,886 --> 01:25:02,721 lf he can keep off the tail for more than 20 minutes. 1246 01:25:02,889 --> 01:25:07,017 Randy little bugger. Up and down like the Assyrian Empire. 1247 01:25:11,815 --> 01:25:14,191 Hello. Your family arrived then? 1248 01:25:14,359 --> 01:25:15,400 Reg! 1249 01:25:15,568 --> 01:25:18,862 -Hello, sibling Brian. -Thank God you've come, Reg. 1250 01:25:19,030 --> 01:25:23,534 I think I should point out in fairness that we are not the rescue committee. 1251 01:25:23,701 --> 01:25:26,703 However, I have been asked to read this prepared statement... 1252 01:25:26,871 --> 01:25:28,539 ...on behalf of the movement. 1253 01:25:28,706 --> 01:25:32,000 "We, the People's Front of Judea' brackets, officials, end brackets... 1254 01:25:32,168 --> 01:25:34,002 ...do hereby convey our sincere... 1255 01:25:34,170 --> 01:25:36,672 ...fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian... 1256 01:25:36,840 --> 01:25:40,050 -...on this occasion of your martyrdom." -What? 1257 01:25:40,218 --> 01:25:43,887 "Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate... 1258 01:25:44,055 --> 01:25:47,558 ...the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors... 1259 01:25:47,725 --> 01:25:50,936 ...excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing... 1260 01:25:51,104 --> 01:25:55,566 ...education. And any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews... 1261 01:25:55,733 --> 01:25:58,235 ...of both sexes and hermaphrodites." 1262 01:25:58,403 --> 01:26:01,321 Signed, "On behalf of the P .F .J ., et cetera." 1263 01:26:01,489 --> 01:26:04,616 And l,d just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration... 1264 01:26:04,826 --> 01:26:07,494 ...for what you're doing for us and what must be... 1265 01:26:07,662 --> 01:26:10,164 ...after all, for you, a difficult time. 1266 01:26:10,331 --> 01:26:14,751 -Reg! What are you going to do? -Goodbye, Brian. And thanks. 1267 01:26:16,629 --> 01:26:18,630 All right, Brian. Keep it up, lad. 1268 01:26:18,840 --> 01:26:21,258 Terrific work, Brian. 1269 01:26:26,556 --> 01:26:28,390 Right. And: 1270 01:26:28,558 --> 01:26:35,939 For he's a jolly good fellow 1271 01:26:36,107 --> 01:26:38,108 And so say all of us 1272 01:26:38,276 --> 01:26:40,944 And so say all of-- 1273 01:26:44,073 --> 01:26:47,242 You bastards! You bastards! 1274 01:26:47,410 --> 01:26:50,495 -Where is Brian of Nazareth? -You sanctimonious bastards! 1275 01:26:50,663 --> 01:26:54,625 -I have an order for his release. -You stupid bastards! 1276 01:26:54,792 --> 01:26:56,793 -I'm Brian of Nazareth. -What? 1277 01:26:56,961 --> 01:26:58,670 -I'm Brian of Nazareth. -Take him down! 1278 01:26:58,880 --> 01:27:00,631 I'm Brian of Nazareth! 1279 01:27:01,174 --> 01:27:03,800 -I'm Brian! -I'm Brian! 1280 01:27:03,968 --> 01:27:05,844 Look, look, I'm Brian! 1281 01:27:06,012 --> 01:27:09,139 -I'm Brian! -I'm Brian and so is my wife! 1282 01:27:12,185 --> 01:27:13,644 Right! Take him away and release him! 1283 01:27:13,811 --> 01:27:16,813 No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. 1284 01:27:16,981 --> 01:27:20,150 No, I'm not Brian! I was only-- lt was a joke. 1285 01:27:20,318 --> 01:27:22,945 I'm only pulling your leg! lt's a joke! 1286 01:27:23,112 --> 01:27:25,489 I'm not him, I'm just having you on! 1287 01:27:25,657 --> 01:27:29,368 Put me back! Bloody Romans, can't take a joke. 1288 01:27:39,337 --> 01:27:44,508 The Judean People's Front! 1289 01:27:44,676 --> 01:27:48,512 Forward, all! 1290 01:27:51,683 --> 01:27:56,853 -Look out! The Judean People's Front! -The Judean People's Front! 1291 01:27:57,021 --> 01:27:59,648 The Judean People's Front! 1292 01:28:03,695 --> 01:28:08,865 We are the Judean People's Front, crack suicide squad. 1293 01:28:09,033 --> 01:28:13,370 Suicide squad, attack! 1294 01:28:21,879 --> 01:28:24,881 That showed them, huh? 1295 01:28:25,717 --> 01:28:28,218 You silly sods! 1296 01:28:28,386 --> 01:28:30,095 Brian! 1297 01:28:34,100 --> 01:28:36,184 Judith! 1298 01:28:36,352 --> 01:28:42,107 Terrific! Great! Reg explained it to me' and I think it's great what you're doing. 1299 01:28:42,275 --> 01:28:46,737 Thank you, Brian. I'll never forget you. 1300 01:28:55,038 --> 01:28:57,748 So there you are! 1301 01:28:57,915 --> 01:29:00,125 I might have known it would end up like this. 1302 01:29:00,293 --> 01:29:04,296 Just think of all the love and affection I've wasted on you! 1303 01:29:04,464 --> 01:29:07,215 Well, if that's how you treat your poor, old mother... 1304 01:29:07,383 --> 01:29:10,761 ...in the autumn years of her life, all I can say is: 1305 01:29:10,928 --> 01:29:14,973 Go ahead. Be crucified. See if I care . 1306 01:29:15,141 --> 01:29:20,228 -I might have known. -Mum! Mum! 1307 01:29:20,396 --> 01:29:22,522 I don't know what the world is coming to. 1308 01:29:27,820 --> 01:29:29,404 Cheer up, Brian! 1309 01:29:29,572 --> 01:29:31,782 You know what they say? 1310 01:29:31,949 --> 01:29:34,743 Some things in life are bad. 1311 01:29:34,911 --> 01:29:37,496 They can really make you mad. 1312 01:29:37,663 --> 01:29:41,625 Other things just make you swear and curse. 1313 01:29:41,793 --> 01:29:44,127 When you're chewing on life's gristle 1314 01:29:44,295 --> 01:29:47,756 Don't grumble Give a whistle 1315 01:29:47,924 --> 01:29:52,302 And this'll help things Turn out for the best 1316 01:29:52,470 --> 01:29:54,137 And 1317 01:29:54,305 --> 01:30:00,477 Always look on the bright side of life 1318 01:30:02,688 --> 01:30:08,318 Always look on the light side of life 1319 01:30:09,987 --> 01:30:12,030 If life seems jolly rotten 1320 01:30:12,198 --> 01:30:13,990 There's something you've forgotten 1321 01:30:14,158 --> 01:30:17,869 And that's to laugh and smile And dance and sing 1322 01:30:18,037 --> 01:30:19,871 When you're feeling in the dumps 1323 01:30:20,081 --> 01:30:22,249 Don't be silly chumps 1324 01:30:22,417 --> 01:30:25,502 Just purse your lips and whistle That's the thing 1325 01:30:25,670 --> 01:30:32,134 And always look on The bright side of life 1326 01:30:32,301 --> 01:30:34,344 Come on! 1327 01:30:34,512 --> 01:30:39,683 Always look on the right side of life 1328 01:30:42,353 --> 01:30:44,146 For life is quite absurd 1329 01:30:44,313 --> 01:30:46,022 And death's the final word 1330 01:30:46,190 --> 01:30:49,943 You must always face The curtain with a bow 1331 01:30:50,111 --> 01:30:52,028 Forget about your sin 1332 01:30:52,196 --> 01:30:54,239 Give the audience a grin 1333 01:30:54,407 --> 01:30:57,534 Enjoy it It's your last chance anyhow 1334 01:30:57,702 --> 01:31:03,373 So always look on The bright side of death 1335 01:31:06,627 --> 01:31:11,381 Just before You draw your terminal breath 1336 01:31:14,552 --> 01:31:16,386 Life's a piece of shit 1337 01:31:16,554 --> 01:31:18,305 When you look at it 1338 01:31:18,473 --> 01:31:22,225 Life's a laugh and death's a joke It's true 1339 01:31:22,393 --> 01:31:24,060 You'll see it's all a show 1340 01:31:24,228 --> 01:31:26,104 Keep 'em laughing as you go 1341 01:31:26,272 --> 01:31:29,941 Just remember that The last laugh is on you 1342 01:31:30,151 --> 01:31:36,406 And always look on The bright side of life 1343 01:31:38,743 --> 01:31:43,747 Always look on the right side of life 1344 01:31:43,915 --> 01:31:46,625 Come on, Brian! Cheer up! 1345 01:31:46,792 --> 01:31:59,429 Always look on the bright side of life 1346 01:31:59,597 --> 01:32:02,557 Worse things happen at sea, you know? 1347 01:32:02,725 --> 01:32:05,810 Always look on the bright side of life 1348 01:32:05,978 --> 01:32:08,438 What have you got to lose? You come from nothing... 1349 01:32:08,606 --> 01:32:10,607 ...you're going back to nothing' what have you lost? 1350 01:32:10,775 --> 01:32:12,108 Nothing! 1351 01:32:15,947 --> 01:32:18,615 Nothing will come from nothing, you know what they say? 1352 01:32:18,783 --> 01:32:20,408 Cheer up, you old bugger! 1353 01:32:20,576 --> 01:32:23,119 Come on! Give us a grin! There you are! 1354 01:32:23,287 --> 01:32:28,458 See? The end of the film. lncidentally' this record is available in the foyer. 1355 01:32:29,210 --> 01:32:32,587 Some of us have got to live as well, you know? 1356 01:32:32,755 --> 01:32:35,674 Who do you think pays for all this rubbish? 1357 01:32:35,841 --> 01:32:38,468 They're not gonna make their money back, you know. 1358 01:32:38,636 --> 01:32:40,428 I told them. I said to him. 1359 01:32:40,596 --> 01:32:43,974 "Bernie," I said, "They'll never make their money back."