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Previously on Desperate Housewives...
The police dug up your father today,
They think that somebody was poisoning him.
Apparently, I'm a suspect.
Bree felt threatened by the past.
Get the damn lawyer.
Are you hitting on me?
Gabrielle was threatened by seduction.
Do you mean Julie?
If I come back with you,
then I can make it up to her
I think you should find your father first.
Let me help.
And while some threats...
were kept under control...
Let's get this over with.
Some were left free to return.
Since her first day on the job,
it had been clear to Lynette Scavo
that her new boss Nina was unusually tense.
To help relieve her tension,
Lynette tried giving her boss thoughtful gifts...
a soothing wave machine...
aromatherapy candles...
even meditative chi balls.
But nothing seemed to ease Nina's tension.
"Distilled the old-fashioned way"
You know, it actually hurts my teeth
to say that out loud
You folks are going to
toddle back to your little holes
and you are gonna come up with a decent slogan.
Or I will can all your asses
the old-fashioned way.
Until one day when it occurred to Lynette,
there was one form of relaxation
she had yet to try.
It's a gimlet You'll love it.
What exactly is your plan here,
to get me all liquored up
so I'd buy the revised pitch?
Don't be ridiculous.
Could we get a trough of these, please?
I can't remember the last time I was in a bar
Must have been the last time I had a boyfriend,
which was...
Oh, god, I'm a nun
So why don't you go out and get in the game?
Believe it or not,
when it comes to meeting men, I am shy
Well, I'm not.
So, uh...
what about that guy over there?
He's been checking you out since we walked in
He's cute
So go over there.
No
Oh, for god's sakes.
Where are you going? Lynette, sit...
Hey, stretch,
see my friend over there?
She thinks you're cute.
Why don't you buy her a drink?
Hey, everybody Hi.
Oh, it's a beautiful morning, isn't it?
Thank you, sweetie.
Oh, hey, Lynette,
I read the new vodka proposal.
Oh, you guys hit it out of the park
I love that color
Thanks. Hey, Nina.
Yeah?
And although it had come about
in an unexpected manner...
Aren't those the same clothes
you were wearing last night in the bar?
Yep.
Nina's tension had finally been released...
the old-fashioned way.
Everyone in this world
needs someone they can depend upon,
Be it a faithful companion,
trusted confidant...
or loyal friend.
For Susan Mayer,
that dependable someone
was her book agent
Lonny Moon.
It was Lonny
who helped Susan promote her first children's book.
It was Lonny who rushed Susan to the hospital
the night Julie was born.
It was Lonny who took Susan's mind
off her painful divorce with a fun vacation.
Yes, Lonny was Susan's rock.
Sadly for Susan,
her rock was about to crumble.
For those of you just joining us,
we have a new development in the Melanie Foster case
Lonny, what are you doing here?
It's past noon
Which means it's now socially acceptable to begin drinking.
I can't believe I let you talk me into this
I am so behind in my work.
But I'm glad I came. This is fun.
I've gotta be honest
I had an ulterior motive
Oh?
I've decided to start my own agency
You're leaving Muir and Hunt?
You helped build that place.
I know, but I just feel it's time.
And now the question is, will you come with me?
Well of course
Okay!
To the future
I'll just call the agency,
and I'll let them know I'm going with you
Oh, I don't think that's necessary.
Really?
Yeah, I think it might be rude not to.
Lonny...
what's going on?
Okay.
There's been some bad blood between me and the partners
Why?
I got into this thing where
I had to move a little client money around temporarily
to cover some expenses.
You had to "Move money"?
What does that mean?
I took a little from here,
and I moved it there
It was no big deal.
Really?
'Cause it sort of sounds like embezzlement.
Why do people keep using that word?!
Who else is using that word?
Nobody.
The partners and their forensic accountant.
Oh, my god.
Lonny, did you "move" Some of my money?
Absolutely not. I swear!
Susan, don't look at me that way.
I know what I did was wrong,
and I feel like a complete idiot for doing it,
but please, please don't hate me
Well, I don't hate you.
I couldn't hate you. You're my Lonny
So...
will you still come with me?
You know what?
This is one of those times
when you find out who your real friends are,
so, yeah
Oh, thank you! Thank you!
You are one special lady,
Susan Mayer
Is that the baby's head?
No, that's his foot.
That looks like a head to me.
Well, that settles it.
When this baby's born,
I'll be in charge of putting on the socks
You're glowing today, you know that?
Pregnancy agrees with you
Yeah? Well,
if you don't mind the hemorrhoids and the nausea,
it's quite the party
I wonder where David is
He should've been here by now
So this new lawyer's good?
He's quite the shark. You're gonna love him.
He hasn't lost a case in six years
He argued in front of the State Supreme Court,
and he made our conjugal visit
happen pretty damn fast.
Well, hey, I'm a fan already.
Sorry I'm late
Oh, David.
Good to see you, Gaby.
Carlos, I'm David
I don't think so
What the hell are you doing?
That guy's not gonna be my lawyer.
Ind a new one
You haven't filed a single charge
Either determine a homicide or release the body.
We've got a court order which says,
until we're done with it, the corpse is ours
He is not a corpse
He is a man named Rex Van de kamp
He was a loving husband,
a devoted father
and a successful doctor
So successful, in fact, that he left me enough money
to sue the city, this precinct
and you two gentlemen personally
just for the fun of it
Mrs Van de Kamp,
we don't respond well to threats.
So if I were you
Release the body
What?
The evidence we have is minimal at best
Mrs Van de Kamp was gracious enough
to come down here and take that lie detector test.
I think it's the least we can do for her.
Thank you
So, uh, what will happen now?
Obviously,
we'll put Mr. Van de Kamp back
just like we found him.
Yes, and I'm sure you will bury him with all the dignity
of a dead hamster.
No, I want Rex released to me
and I will make all the arrangements
Fine
And, of course, you'll be paying all the costs.
Of course.
Detective Barton,
you are clearly a gentleman
People have gathered at Attenborough High School,
where Melanie attended...
No, it's fine I'll pick 'em up on my way home.
Okay, so what do you want?
Oh, Parker hates pepperoni
Um, how about sausage?
Yeah, and a small cheese
Okay, perfect. Love you
- Hey, you -Hey.
You wanna hit Konnells? I owe you a beer.
Actually, I owe you so much more than that.
You're welcome, but I really need to get home
Oh, come on I had such a good time last night
Um, why don't you ask Trudy?
She loves going out.
Trudy? Are you kidding?
I don't need the competition
Have you seen Trudy without her jacket? She's hot
Oh, is she now?
Oh, I-I didn't mean that you're not. Hot.
I just you're married.
You know, you're off the market.
I don't have to worry about fighting you for guys.
Come on, Lynette.
Just one quick little drink.
I was actually starting to think
that you and I were becoming pals
Pals? 'Cause sometimes it's hard to tell
You know, I wasn't feeling the love today
when you mocked my campaign in front of the clients
That was just putting on a show for work.
In the future, always assume that I am winking inside.
Come on. I hate to go to a bar alone.
I feel like such a loser
Okay. One drink
Yeah! One or two.
No
Thank you so much for bringing my mail over.
You know, I have some of yours in the kitchen.
Well, that's the fourth time. What's up with this postman?
Oh, I know. He used to be great.
Then he had this stroke, and, well,
now we're lucky if he doesn't
drool on the coupons.
But feel free to snoop around I'll be right back
Now for those of you just joining us,
families in Chicago breathed a sigh of relief today
as an arrest was finally made in the brutal attack
on local high school student Melanie Foster
But word of the suspect's capture
comes as small comfort to the Foster family
Betty?
Who lost their 17-year-old daughter almost four months ago
Betty?
Less than a mile from Attenborough high.
Did you see the news? They've arrested somebody
Yeah Looks like we're in the clear
Well, I have some good news.
The police have finally released Rex's body.
About time.
You must be so relieved
You know, mostly I'm just annoyed
that the whole thing happened in the first place
I mean, how in the world could anybody accuse me of murder?
Well, you are wound pretty tight.
What? The supermom is always the first to snap.
They've done studies.
Anyway, I was hoping
that you were all free Friday morning,
because that's when I'm going to be hosting the reburial
The what?
Look, I know it's an imposition,
but Danielle is away on a class trip,
and Andrew is back at Camp Hennessey for a little refresher course.
Well, it's just gonna be a very brief and dignified ceremony,
and I was hoping that you could say a few words,
and, um, I'm gonna read a poem.
- We would love to come. - Absolutely
- I'm busy. Sorry. - Edie!
She's going to read a poem.
Fine. Yes, yes, we'd all love to come
Well, thank you
You don't know how much this means to me.
I realize looking back that I was still in shock
during Rex's first funeral.
I don't think it had quite hit me yet what had happened,
so that's why this small ceremony means so much to me,
because I realize now that
this is the last chance I'm gonna have to say good-bye
Unless, of course, they dig him up again.
Sure, there was times when Lisa was rude and obnoxious,
but I know now that
that was no excuse to always be beatin' on her
Oh, baby, I'm so sorry.
Good job, you two
This is an example of how to use incarceration to your benefit
It's a chance for people to take a step back
and observe the obstacles they face in their marriage.
Can I go now? 'Cause I have a lot to say
about the obstacles I'm facing in my marriage.
We don't got any obstacles.
Yes, we do, Lamar. We got big ones.
Okay, hold on, you two.
I think that it's
Carlos and Gabrielle's turn
Thanks, but we're good.
This is your third group session,
but you have yet to share anything
Come on. Talk to us How's your marriage?
- Shaky at best. - And why is that?
I don't know. I hired a brilliant lawyer
to get my husband out of this hellhole,
and he fired him for no reason at all
Carlos?
I just didn't like him.
Why not? He's experienced, he's intelligent,
- He's successful. - Exactly.
I'd prefer an attorney you didn't find so damn appealing
Oh, my god.
You fired him because you're jealous?
Don't I have the right to?
You know, she cheated on me
Oh, Bob, you beat your wife
You are so not allowed to gasp.
Don't you talk that way to him
One more word out of you, Lisa, and I will backhand you myself
Okay, calm down.
Thousands of fat, bald attorneys out there in the world,
and she's gonna get the one that looks like an underwear model.
I'm not discussing this anymore.
You can rot in here for all I care
So, um.
Mona, what do you feel are
the biggest problems in your marriage?
By the way, he was wearing a suit
How do you know he had a good body?
- Do you know? - No!
I bet he's hot.
Do I need to say what our biggest problem is,
or can everybody figure it out for themselves?
Why are you reading that contract?
I told you.
Lonny wants me to sign with this new agency
But you didn't say you were seriously thinking about
going with him
I know, I know.
Just Lonny's family
You know, he's always been there for me.
He paid my rent when I was waiting for
my first royalty check
He called me every day when Karl left
I mean, I just owe him so much
Susan, he committed a felony
Okay, who in this room
has not committed a felony? Raise your hand.
Ah-ah-ah, not so fast
Your agent represents you.
You've gotta be able to trust him.
How is that gonna be possible now?
Well, it's possible because I have faith in people.
I mean, Lonny knows he messed up,
and he's sorry He's making restitution
What, you don't believe people deserve second chances?
Not when they messed up this much, no
Really? So that's it with you?
You just get one shot,
and you screw up, and you're out?
I didn't know you were such a cynic.
Hey, I'm sorry, all right?
I guess it's just the way I'm wired
I got a job over in Greenwood,
so I'll call you later tonight
You okay?
Julie.
I did something bad, something really, really bad
Aren't you gonna ask me what it was?
Do I ever have to?
Last week when Mike and I went to the park
searching for Zach,
I sort of found him.
No!
Yes, and I gave him money and I sent him away,
and I didn't tell Mike.
Holy crap What are you gonna do?
I don't know.
What would you do if this happened to you?
See, this would never happen to me
This kind of thing only happens to you.
Will you stop judging and help me?
Well, obviously, you're gonna have to tell him.
Well, I can't do that.
You heard what he said about his wiring
I betrayed him. He'll never forgive me.
Okay. Don't tell him
Well, how can I not? I feel so guilty,
I can barely look him in the eye when he talks about Zach.
So where do you think Zach went?
Utah
Oh, lord Why did I do this?
I have a feeling you did it for me.
Hey, girl. I hope you are in the mood for Margaritas
'cause it is salsa night at O'Donnell's.
Oh, fun. But I can't go tonight
because I promised the twins that
I would help them finish their science project
Lynette, if the late hours
are going to be an issue for you,
we probably should talk about finding you
a less demanding account.
You're gonna take me off Kamarov
because I won't go drinking with you?
No. Oh, god, no.
Honey, I get it. You have a family.
Home has to come first for you.
Thank you
I mean, for me, the client comes first.
Me being a perfectionist is my own neurotic issue,
and I know that I really need to work on that
But trust me, I will never sleep again
if this campaign gets mucked up.
I'll figure something out. You go home Have a good night.
- Nina? - Yeah.
I can handle the extra hours
Oh, Lynette You sure?
Yeah.
I'll get my coat.
Wow, this place is rowdy after happy hour, huh?
Yeah.
Hey... look at that guy right there
The end of the bar.
The shoulders with the tan jacket
Yeah.
Go get him for me.
Hey there
So they're going on about Melanie Foster on the news
It's time we talked about her, Caleb
Until you start accepting responsibility for what happened,
you know I can't let you out of here
What the hell is this?! Mom!
Where are you?!
I'll be right back.
And I will expect you to answer me.
Where are you?!
I'm coming! Coming
- What were you gonna do with this? - Don' t.
"I know who really killed Melanie Foster.
You've arrested the wrong man"?
What are you thinking?
The police need to know the truth.
The hell they do! This is our chance
We are good people.
We can't let an innocent man go to jail
Okay, you wanna do the right thing?
Well, then call 9-1-1
and tell 'em you got a killer locked up in the basement.
He is not a killer. He was confused
He didn't know what he was doing.
He knows a lot more than you give him credit for
I'm mailing the letter
Do you realize what's gonna happen?
Mom, are you thinking it through?
I'm mailing the letter
If you do,
you'd better hope to god they don't find us
'Cause they're not gonna care how slow Caleb is.
They'll just execute him.
Lonny?
Are you here? It's Susan.
Lonny?
Susan?
What are you doing here?
Well, I just came over to give you the contracts
Your door was open.
Oh. Great
Sorry this place is such a mess
I've been working here till we get the new offices painted
Wait till you see them.
They're gonna be really beautiful.
Where's Jeannie?
She's with the kids up in Minnesota visiting her mom
They love it up there.
Keep changing the date on dear old dad
There's no electricity.
There isn't?
Oh, I'm such a dummy
I've been...
I've been so swamped,
I must have forgotten to pay the electric bill
Lonny...
how much financial trouble are you really in?
I'm fine.
You know what it is?
I had to pay all those people back at the same time.
Restitution plus interest
It's not something I'd recommend
It sucks you dry
I've gonna ask you a question,
and I want you to tell me the truth
Did you steal from me?
Absolutely not.
Please don't lie. Just tell me
Is that what you want to hear?
Do I have to say it so that we can move on?
Fine I did it.
But yours was the first money I paid back,
so the slate's been wiped clean.
Let's just move past it
Suzie?
I'm sorry. I just can't trust you anymore
- Yes, you can! - No can't
- You can. - Can' t.
Give me the contract!
No!
Okay, okay, fine
What are you doing?!
Are you trying to take me down with you?!
I am not going down!
My life is great!
I have never been happier,
and I've never been thinner!
Get off me, you amazon!
What are you doing here?
You left me a message. You said you wanted to talk.
Yeah, I thought you'd schedule an appointment later
Right now I'm sort of disgusting and sweaty
I'm a criminal lawyer. I've seen worse
So did you find a new lawyer for Mr Charming?
I don't want a new lawyer I want you.
So does Carlos. He just doesn't realize it yet.
A 1988 romanee-conti la tache I'm impressed
Look, to be honest, Carlos is a little threatened by you.
He thinks if we spend too much time together,
that something... might happen
Somebody's got an active imagination
Corkscrew?
David, we're not here to drink wine, okay?
This is business
Now you have to convince Carlos that he can trust you.
How am I gonna do that?
I don't know.
Tell him you're happily married or... or gay
Yeah, right.
You're a lawyer. You lie to juries all the time.
Can't you just make something up?
I'm past the point in my career
where I have to beg for work. I'm sorry
Okay, David,
I'm holding my marriage together by my fingernails.
If Carlos serves his full sentence,
I don't think we're gonna make it,
so please, I need you
I'll say this much for Carlos. He's got excellent taste...
in wine. Montrachet. It's good stuff
Are you gonna help me or not?
We'll go see Carlos tomorrow.
I'll turn him around for you
Really? What are you gonna say?
Play it by ear. I don't wanna sound too over-rehearsed
Hey, that's my wine
Deduct it from my bill.
It all started with bad real estate investments
You should have just come clean
Yeah, well, you tell one lie, the second one comes easy.
Then you're making up new lies to cover up the old ones
Pretty soon, you can't turn back, you know?
I do
When Jeannie finally caught on, she took the kids.
She took the furniture.
The bank locked me out of my own house.
That's why I can't lose you as a client
Well, I'm sorry, but you have.
I don't blame you.
You'll never lose my friendship, though
I mean that.
Really?
Of course. You're my Lonny
And you're my Susie
You're my Susie.
Oh! What the hell is wrong with you?!
I'm your Lonny. That's what you said.
- Not like that. - But I thought
I mean, there's always been this magnetism.
No, there has not been, and there never will be!
Oh, my god!
But I was just coming clean!
Hey, Morgan!
Got a letter from some guy claiming
he attacked Melanie Foster.
You ran me down for that?
I got dozens of kooks coming out of the woodwork,
all saying we arrested the wrong guy
This one knows about the axe.
Here you go, Mrs Van de Kamp
Thank you. The hearse is right outside,
so if you'll just follow me.
Oh, shoot. There's a form I need you to sign
I think I left it back in the office
- That's all right I'll wait - Okay.
I'm here, sweetheart,
and I'm gonna take care of everything.
But you knew that, didn't you?
You've always known that you can count on me.
Mrs Van de Kamp.
Detective Barton, what are you doing here?
Oh, just taking care of some business.
Is this
Yes This is Rex.
L- I wanna thank you again for what you did
It was so refreshing to be treated with kindness
after weeks of just ludicrous accusations
The doctor doesn't think they're ludicrous.
Well, I know,
but Rex died in his care.
I mean, of course he'd like to blame someone else.
But the tests he did, uh...
Oh, please don't talk to me about tests
Rex was not poisoned,
and no one I know believes that he was.
Rex did
What?
Well, the doctor told Rex he was being poisoned,
and Rex believed him.
How would you know that?
Where did you get this?
We found that in Rex's bed after he died.
That is his handwriting, isn't it?
You know what I think?
Rex felt guilty for the way he treated you.
The adultery, the public humiliations.
That's why he forgave you
He understood why you did it
How could he have believed this?
Look, my wife cheated on me, too.
I know how much it hurts.
And so will a judge.
Everyone understands crimes of passion.
But every day that you stonewall
makes you look more and more
like a cold, calculating killer.
We both know that's not you
But I can't help you
unless you start telling the truth.
I'm sorry, but I-I, um, I have to go.
I have some things that I need to take care of
Bree, it is obvious
your husband loved you very much.
Don't you think you owe to him to admit the truth?
Detective, I know exactly what my husband deserves.
Now would you be a dear?
Thank you
What's he doing here?
I have a pitch for you.
I wanna explain to you
why I think it's in your best interest for you to
allow me to represent you.
Oh, for Pete's sake, Carlos,
at least listen to the man
I guess it beats sitting in my cell.
Now I don't think you have a problem
with me as a lawyer
Clearly, I'm the real deal.
I sense your problem with me is more personal.
You sense right
You wanna know if I'm interested in
sleeping with your wife
And the answer is yes
He. Carlos, he's kidding.
Tell him you're kidding
Shut it
Now clearly, Gabrielle's willful,
self-centered and manipulative
She's also beautiful enough
to be worth the trouble
So the minute we leave this room,
I'm going to aggressively pursue her,
and when I succeed, which I will,
we're gonna fly to my chateau in Chamonix
and have dinner in a local bistro.
They make the best raclette in all of Europe.
We'll make love by the fire
and afterwards do a little midnight skiing
You ski, don't you?
You're athletic. You'll learn.
Anyway, all of this
only happens if you fire me
If you keep me on as your lawyer,
your wife's off-limits
I'd get disbarred for sleeping
with a client's wife,
and nobody's worth that, not even her
So that's my pitch.
I'll let you think about it.
Honey, I am so sorry
Honestly, that guy's insane.
Boy, you just can't wait, can you?
What?
He's my lawyer
But, Carlos...
And that's all there is to it.
How about a dance?
How about it? Yes
Well, you guys have fun
This is the fifth night in a row
I haven't been home to tuck in my kids,
so I'm gonna go.
No. You're gonna stay put
It is Friday night,
and you have all weekend to play with your kids
Watch my purse.
Hey.
I'm Chuck
Chuck, I'm gonna stop you right there.
Happily married
Well...
Looks like we have got something in common.
Chuck?
Get your hand off my thigh
No, not up my thigh
Off it.
Come on! What's the matter with you?
I'm not available. And I'm not that easy!
Well, what are you doing in a pick-up bar at 10:30 at night?
Well, I don't usually do this.
Oh, come on, honey, who are you kidding?
I've seen you here every night this week.
You're a regular.
At that moment it occurred to Lynette
that Chuck, though inebriated,
had a valid point.
The time had come to declare
a war of independence.
And the surest path to victory
would require an aggressive campaign
of shock...
and awe.
It's crazy here tonight
Don't you want to dance?
No, thanks I think I'll sit this one out.
Lynette savored her victory
confident that she would never again have to
engage her opponent on this particular battlefield.
Ooh! I love this song.
Here, hold my purse
Bree, where have you been?
We were starting to get worried.
Oh, I'm sorry
I was just attending to some last minute details
- Right this way. - Where are we going?
To Rex's gravesite.
Well, I thought that this was his gravesite.
- I'm changing it - Why?
Well, he did something to upset me,
and I want him gone.
What did he do?
You know, it's so unpleasant
I'd rather not get into it.
Have you seen these gravestones?
Some are from the 1800s.
Just fascinating.
Bree, wait,
you're gonna have to explain.
Rex is dead.
What could he have done to upset you?
My husband,
the man I spent my life with for 18 years,
died thinking that I murdered him
What?
Yes, the cardiologist
shared this moronic theory with Rex
And Rex believed him!
Are you sure?
Yes, because he left a note
and it said, and I quote,
"Bree, I understand And I forgive you"
I spent 18 years of my life with this man.
How could he not know me?
Maybe he was forgiving you for something else.
I have done nothing to be forgiven for!
I was a fantastic wife!
When he was sick, I nursed him.
When we were low on money, I stayed within a budget.
I cooked his meals I mended his clothes.
For the love of god,
I used to check his back for acne.
And that miserable son of a bitch
has the nerve to understand and forgive me?
Well, the joke's on him,
because I do not understand,
and I do not forgive.
Hi We're... we're just going to a funeral.
Right this way
Honey, I know you're hurt,
but are you sure you're not gonna change your mind?
I mean, there's no turning back after this.
If you think I'm gonna
lay next to someone for eternity
who thinks I'm a murderer,
you're crazy
As far as I'm concerned,
let him decompose with strangers
Everyone in the world
needs someone they can depend on,
be they faithful friends,
determined advocates...
or a loving family.
But occasionally in life,
the people we thought would always be there for us,
leave.
And if that happens,
it's amazing the lengths 'll go to...
to get them back.