(Boy) Exiting time knot, sir. (Man) We're... alive.
We made it.
By Grabthar's hammer, we live to tell the tale.
(Computer) 'Systems functional.'
All systems working, Commander.
I don't like it. It was too easy.
Wait! Oh, no. They're everywhere!
- Time knots are opening everywhere! - A trap!
We're surrounded, Commander.
It's a core meltdown, sir. It can't be stopped.
- Surrender may be our only option. - No! Never give up!
Never surrender!
Your orders, sir?
Sir? Your orders?
Activate the Omega 13.
(Applause)
(Man) Well? Huh?
Well, there you are.
(Cheering)
Yeah! Yeah, that's what I'm talking about!
You are the first people to see
the lost Galaxy Quest episode 92 two-parter...
since it was aired in 1982!
Huh? Yeah! All right.
Now, the moment you've been waiting for.
The intrepid crew...
of the NSEA Protector! Yeah!
(Man) Red scarf, black shoes. Wait.
White scarf, black buttons,
white shoes.
Man, where is he? An hour and a half late?
- An hour and a half. - This is unreal.
They're gonna start eating each other.
Did you hear? He booked an appearance without us.
You're kidding?
Oh. Uh... um...
How did I come to this?
Not again.
- I played Richard III. - Five curtain calls.
Five curtain calls. I was an actor once, now look at me!
I can't go out there, and I won't say that stupid line one more time!
I can't, I won't.
At least you had a part.
You had a character people loved.
My TV Guide interview was six paragraphs about my boobs
and how they fit into my suit.
No one even asked me what I DO on the show.
You had the...
Wait. Wait, I'll think of it.
- I repeated the computer, Fred. - Whew!
Your commander is on deck!
Ha ha!
Wow, that smog is thick today, huh?
Am I late for Alexander's panic attack?
Apparently not.
You should get that looked at.
(Chuckles) Yeah.
(MC outside) Let's see a few more clips.
OK. What did I do? Hmm?
What?
(Chanting) We want the crew!
(MC)... same affection for the crew
as the crew had for each other.
These weren't just adventurers exploring space. These were friends.
- Unbelievable. - You are so full of it!
These guys put a little set in their basement. I'm there an hour.
It's nothing, Gwen.
They wanted the Commander.
- There he goes. - Alexander, wait! Grab him!
(Chanting) We want the crew!
OK! Yeah! Here we go!
- Come on, old friend. - Old friend?!
You stole my lines - cut me out of episode two!
(MC) Tawny Madison, my personal favourite,
Gwen DeMarco!
Yeah!
'Lt's getting hotter, Commander.'
(MC) That's what I'm talkin' about!
Let's hear a warm welcome for crack gunner Laredo... Tommy Webber!
- You will go out there! - I won't.
- And nothing you say will make me. - The show must go on.
(MC)... Freddie Kwan!
Damn you.
Damn you. I won't say that stupid line one more time.
(MC) Tev'Meck... Alexander Dane!
Yeah! All right!
(Cheering)
'By Grabthar's Hammer, you shall be avenged! '
(MC) Yeah! All right!
That guy can act.
And finally, my... fellow Questerians,
the brave commander of the NSEA Protector,
Peter (Peter, Peter, Peter)...
Quincy (Quincy, Quincy, Quincy... )
Taggert (Taggert, Taggert, Taggert)
Jason Nesmith!
Yeah!
(Wild applause)
(Woman) We love you, Commander!
- Never give up... - (Audience) Never surrender!
Damn the resonance cannons, full speed ahead! Huh?
(MC) The Commander and crew will be signing autographs
on decks C and B near the Coke machines.
(Man) Whoo! Quest forever, man!
Excuse me, crew member coming through.
- Fans, right? Hey, Gwen. - Oh, hey, man.
Hey man, thanks for that intro you gave us. Um...
Guy. Probably don't remember me, do you? It's the sunglasses.
I was on the show in '82, episode 81.
Got killed by a lava monster before the first commercial.
Listen, uh... maybe I could sit in and, uh, sign some autographs?
By Grabthar's hammer, by the sons of Warvan, I shall avenge you!
By Grabthar's...
Next.
Had I moved an inch the beast would have killed me,
but my crew was in danger.
How did you know what to do?
Come on! Without my crew, I'm not a commander, huh?
And we all remember what happened on Enok Vll.
(Laughter)
You've gotta admit, they really do love him.
Almost as much as he loves himself.
Excuse me, Commander. Hey!
I was wondering if you could help settle a dispute my crew and I have.
Um, if you remember, uh, in "Quasar Dilemma..."
Excuse me for a minute, fellas.
What about the relevant conundrum?
In episode 15, "Mist of Delos V"
I got the feeling that you and the Commander had a thing.
Did you?
No. The Commander and I never had a thing.
Well, that's her story.
Excuse me.
Gwen.
Gwen!
- Commander. - Excuse me.
I must speak to you. It is of supreme importance.
We are Thermians and... we... need your help.
Oh, oh, oh. Is this about that gig tomorrow?
Hammer it out with my agent, and make sure there's a limo.
Last time I did one of these gigs, they shoved me in a Toyota.
Remember, mum's the word.
- Certainly, but um... - Mum.
(All) Mum. Mum. Mu-um.
(Photographer) And... Beautiful!
Crewman Madison, the mist of this strange planet
is filling my head with such thoughts.
It was cute when I didn't know you.
(Laughter)
What a freak show, man. Oh, this is hilarious.
Bunch of losers! Beggin' for autographs at 15 bucks a pop.
These guys haven't had a real acting job for 20 years.
Nesmith gets off on those retards thinking he's a space commander!
And his friends can't stand him! Did you hear them ragging on him?
He has no idea he's a laughing stock, even to his buddies.
- He's pathetic! - Come on.
- The Galaxy Quest Dancers are on. - Whoo! Full speed ahead, Lieutenant.
Hey, Commander, uh,
so in "The Quasar Dilemma" you used the auxiliary deck B...
Get this... Deck B for gamma override.
But the online blueprints indicate...
that deck B is independent of the guidance matrix.
So where is the error in that?
It's just a television show. That's all, OK?
Right, but... We were wondering if the quantum flux...
There is no quantum flux. There's no auxiliary. There's no goddam ship!
You got it?
(Murmuring)
I mean it, Alex. I've never seen him lose it like that. Not to a fan.
I mean, it was just weird.
Gwen, I have said it for years.
He's mentally unstable.
(Sighs) I... l'm worried.
It just was not like him.
(Fighting on TV)
(Changes channels)
'As long as there is injustice,
'whenever a Targathian baby cries out,
'wherever a distress signal sounds among the stars,
'we'll be there, this fine ship, this fine crew.'
- Never give up... - 'Never give up...
'Never surrender.'
(Gentle knocking on window)
(Knocking continues)
(Groans)
- Can I help you? - Sir, this is terrible protocol.
- You shouldn't come here, man. - I beg you to hear our plea.
We are Thermians from the Klatu Nebula.
Our people are being slaughtered by Sarris of Fatu-Krey.
We have met in negotiation. However, our efforts have been disastrous.
Please, Commander. You are our last hope.
(Chuckles)
- We have secured our limousine. - What?
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Um, it's the thing for the thing that's, um...
Ha. Maybe I should get some pants on.
Come on in.
- (Groans) - Commander,
I must say that standing here in your presence...
is the greatest honour we could ever have hoped to achieve.
That's... I really appreciate that.
Would you look for another shoe like this?
(Groans)
Sir, I am Lahnk, senior requisition officer.
Please let me know if you have any requirements.
- Weapons, documents, personnel. - Um, a Coca-Cola?
Sir, I am Teb.
I would like to explain our history in greater detail.
Hey, how ya doin'?
In the years following the Great Nebula Burst, our people were one...
What's your name?
- Doesn't she talk? - Her translator is broken.
(Shrieks)
Okey dokey.
You know, guys, I had a late night with a Kreemorian fangor beast
so... l'm gonna just shut my eyes for a bit.
Go on. You know? I'm listening to everything you say, OK?
Following the Great Nebula Burst our people were one people.
But then came the Zactor Migration, and then the Melosian Shift
and a dark period of discontent spread through the land.
Fighting among Treeb sects and Largoths... ah, the foolishness!
And it was in this time of dissension that Sarris...
(Barks)
- Commander. Commander? - Hmm.
I'm sorry, sir, but your presence is requested on the command deck.
Mm.
Sir, Sarris has moved the deadline. We are approaching his ship now.
He wants an answer to his proposal.
I got most of it. Sarris is the bad guy?
Yes, sir. He's a very bad man indeed.
He has tortured our scientists,
captured our females for his own demented purposes...
Yeah. Do you have pages or should I just wing this?
I am not sure I understand you.
- Welcome to Protector Two. - Hi.
- Would you like your uniform? - I'll skip that,
I got this gig in Van Nuys in 15 minutes.
- As you wish. - Sir, it's Sarris. He's here.
General, the Thermians have appointed a new commander
to handle the negotiations.
What?
This is great. Usually it's just cardboard walls in the garage.
Sir, we apologise for operating in low-power mode
but we are experiencing a... reflective flex field.
You know what I could use? A cup holder and a couple of Advil.
Approaching, sir. Command to slow?
Set it on screensaver two.
(Chuckles) We, you know... gotta...
(Groans) Oh, I'm sorry to break up the mood here.
Um, slow it down to mark two, Lieutenant.
(Sarris) 'I see fear.
- 'That is expected.' - Mm-hm.
- 'Ahh, they bring a new commander.' - It's good.
- 'Here are my demands.' - Scary. It looks... real.
'And if I do not hear what I like
'then there will be blood and pain as you cannot imagine! '
- 'First... ' - Ahh, backwash.
'I require the Omega 13.
'Second, I will require a technician... '
Okey dokey! Let's fire blue particle cannons full,
red particle cannons full,
gannet magnets, left and right and let 'em run all chutes.
And while you're at it, toss that at 'em, killer!
That should take care of lobster head.
(Nervous chuckle)
Commander, where are you going?
- Home. - You... mean Earth?
Yeah, back to Earth, kids.
But the negotiations, y-you fired on him.
Yeah. What's your planet called?
- Thermia. - Long live Thermia.
What if Sarris survives?
- I doubt it. - He has a very powerful ship.
If you got any more problems, give me a call.
Ow!
- An interstellar vox. - A what? Hey.
How can we thank you, Commander? You... You have saved our people.
Yeah. OK. You know, you kids have been great. You really have.
This thing is real lookin'.
Yoo-hoo. Hello? (Chuckles)
Hey! Where's my limo?
Huh?
(Heavy clunk)
- (Slurping) - Oh!
(Muffled groans)
(Machinery whines)
(Screams)
(Gwen, on PA) Take it from us, we've been all over the universe.
(Fred) But we've never seen space-age values like these, at...
Tech Value Electronic Superstore!
By Grabthar's hammer...
what a savings.
All right! Yeah, let's hear it for the NSEA Protector.
...vacuum laser... - No, you've got it all wrong.
- Brandon, are you OK? - Oh, Commander! My apologies.
Evidently, we had a miscommunication regarding...
the voyage - you didn't show up.
(Panting)
(Boy) He... He did it again.
Do you know what time it is? Why do you even bother to show up at all?
No, no, not now. Guys, I was there.
I was up there.
Remember those people dressed like aliens? They were aliens.
Termites or Dalmatians. I can't remember cos I was hungover.
What they'd built was extraordinary. It was a huge spaceship.
I got to fight this guy named Sarris and I kicked his ass!
I know what you think. But I can prove it. They gave me this.
No, no, no, no. But can you talk to people in space on those?
Protector, this is the Commander!
- For God's sake. - That's it. Time to go!
This isn't mine. That kid. Where's that kid?
Commander, we come with news. Sarris lives.
- He was able to escape. - Tell them.
However, he wishes to negotiate a surrender.
We humbly implore you to come and negotiate the terms.
Huh? You want me back?
Is this amazing? They want me back and I want you guys to come!
Think about it. Let's go. Yes!
You're... you're goin'?
Alexander... l'm not kidding.
This isn't a prank. I'm not kidding.
Guys, listen. Come on. Gwen, Gwen, Gwen.
Stop. You know me, I'm a lot of things, but am I crazy?
It's one thing to treat us this way.
It's another thing to do it to your fans.
She's not a fan! This is... This is a Termite!
You should've just let me hit him.
Boy, I didn't know you could get that loaded.
I think we should've just taken the gig.
Who knows the next time he'll ask us?
Fred, he was drunk. Do you really think he was talking about a job?
Did Jason come through here?
Yeah, he... he's in there. Hey, guys.
Ah. We are coming, too.
- You wish to go to the ship? - Yes, we wish to go to the ship.
You see, we work together, or not at all.
Wonderful. The Commander had me continue in case you decided to.
- Request four interstellar... - Oh! Me, too.
Five pods for immediate departure.
(Deep humming)
Guys. Guys?
I look forward to meeting you when you arrive at the ship.
End transmission.
- (Slurping) - Oh, my God.
- (Zap) - Anybody got any change?
Oh!
(Distant shrieking)
(Shrieking)
(lnstruments whirring)
Our most sincere apologies. We forgot about our appearance generators.
You guys came!
Who wants the grand tour?
- (Screaming stops) - Anybody else?
That was a hell of a thing.
- What's wrong with them? - I don't know. Come on.
That's right, shake it off. It gets better.
- Try some gum. It helps. - Where are we?
The 23rd quadrant of the gamma sector. I'll show you.
- My friends! - This is Mathesar, their leader.
On behalf of my people I thank you from the deepest place in our hearts.
Mathesar, this is, uh, my crew.
Dr Lazarus.
(Crew whispering) Dr Lazarus. Dr Lazarus.
Lieutenant Madison.
(Whispering) Lieutenant Madison.
Young Laredo, how you've grown.
(All) Young Laredo.
Tech Sergeant Chen.
(Crew whispering) Tech Sergeant Chen.
C-Crew man number si... Guy.
(All) Guy.
You... know us?
(All chuckle)
I don't believe anyone on my planet does not.
Since receiving transmission of your historical documents
we have studied all of your missions and strategies.
You watch the show?
- Lieutenant, historical documents. - Historical documents from out here?
Yes. Our society had fallen into disarray.
Our goals and values were scattered.
But we have modelled every aspect of our society from your example,
and it has saved us.
Your courage and teamwork and friendship through adversity.
All you see has been taken
from the lessons garnered from the historical documents.
Is this a... a spaceship?
No, this is a starport for the ship.
Would you guys like to see the ship?
(Door whooshes)
(Clunking and whirring)
(Alexander) Oh, my God!
It's real.
(Mathesar) The generator room.
The beryllium sphere, of course.
The medical quarters are to the left.
We went to some trouble duplicating your cellular regeneration system...
- Jason, what have you got us into? - Wow, the floors are so clean.
We're just negotiating a surrender. No big deal.
...and the organ fabrication chamber is coming along nicely.
No big deal? Are you crazy? We have to get out of here.
- Come on, guys. - We're actors, not astronauts.
You guys wanna go home, we'll go home - pay our bills, feed our fish,
fall asleep in front of the TV and miss out on all this.
Come on. Do you guys wanna do that? Anybody?
Gwen, look where we are. We're in space.
Alexander, this is the role of a lifetime. You wanna leave?
(Mathesar) We have prepared many of your esoteric dishes.
Your Monte Cristo sandwich is a favourite here.
The main barracks.
(Drum roll)
At ease.
It's like throwing gasoline on a flame.
What?
I'm just jazzed about being on the show, man.
(Mathesar) If you would take your positions.
(Gwen) Our what?
Guys.
(All) Oh. Hmm.
(Tommy) Look, this thingy.
I remember... I had it all worked out.
This is forward. This is back.
(Humming)
Commander, some the crew want to be present at this historic event.
Sure. Bring 'em in.
(Shrieks)
(Chuckles) No pressure, huh? I'm glad I ain't the Commander.
Laredo, take us out.
- Excuse me? - (Chuckles)
They designed those controls after watching you.
- Take her out. (Clears throat) - Right, right.
OK.
Right.
Right. Take her out.
(Clunking and humming)
(Engines rumble)
(Beeps)
(Engine hum rises)
OK.
Move more to the right.
Would you sit your ass down? Move! You wanna drive?
(Metal scraping)
(Chuckles nervously)
(Metal scraping)
(Scraping stops)
(Cheering)
(Jason) Oh. Mmm.
How is your steak, Commander?
I'm really enjoying it. This is like corn-fed lowa beef.
We programmed the food synthesiser based on the menu of your birthplace.
(Jason) I don't care, it tastes great.
Are your Kep-mok bloodticks, Dr Lazarus?
Just like Mother used to make.
(Alexander) So... tell me, Mathesar,
this Sarris person we're meeting.
What does he want? - (Gagging)
He heard about the device... the Omega 13.
Um, what is it? What does it do?
We don't know.
We were hoping you could enlighten us.
(Nervous chuckle)
Oh. The Omega 13 device.
We found that on an alien planet. We don't know what it does either.
Why not just turn it on and see?
- (Shrieks) - (Laughs)
It has at its heart a reactor capable of unthinkable energy.
If we were mistaken, the device would cause a chain reaction...
that would obliterate all matter in the universe.
Has Sarris seen any of the... historical records?
No, thank God, he has not.
Oh. So how does he know about the Omega 13 device?
Our former commander was not... strong.
Former commander?
I am sorry. You deserve to be shown.
The tape was smuggled off of Sarris' ship.
Originally, one of us tried to lead.
(Sarris) 'ls that all?
'After three days of this, you still require... incentive? '
- (Shrieking) - (Electricity buzzing)
(Thermian) 'I have told you all I know. Please, let me die.'
(Sarris) 'When I grow weary of the noises you make you shall... die.'
(Electricity crackles)
Guys, hold on. You can't leave. Give me time to think.
- He wants to think(!) - There's nothing to think about!
I'm not supposed to be here. I'm expendable.
I'm the guy in the episode who dies to prove it's serious.
- Commander? - Prepare the pods for my crew.
Sir, we can't. Sarris will detonate any objects leaving the ship.
- Sarris? - Yes, sir. He's here.
Your presence is required on the command deck.
There's nobody here.
My people are talented scientists,
but our tactical simulations have been disastrous.
I have raised Sarris on zeta frequency.
- Mathesar... - 'We meet again, Commander.'
Hello, Sarris. How you doin'?
'Better than my lieutenant.
'He failed to activate the neutron armour
'as quickly as I'd hoped on our last encounter.'
Well, I'm real sorry about what happened before.
The whole thing was just a... a misunderstanding.
'Deliver the device to me, or I will destroy your ship! '
You know, um, we'd like do that,
but frankly, we don't know what it is or even where it is.
'You have 10 seconds! '
(Jason) I don't... 10 seconds?
You know... OK. Gosh darn it, I give up. It's yours.
Give me a minute to put it in a box for you, OK?
Gwen. (Clicks tongue)
Don't panic. I've dealt with this guy before. He's as stupid as he is ugly.
- Jason. - Not now, Gwen. Sit, sit, sit, sit.
We're gonna send everything at him.
- Jason. - Not now, Gwen!
Push these and send everything at him, OK?
- OK. - All right, Gwen, put me back on.
Well, I'm trying to tell you, you ARE back on.
'Perhaps I'm not as stupid as I am ugly, Commander! '
I gave you the..."kill" gesture.
No, you gave me the "we're dead" signal. I was agreeing with you.
(Guy) Hey, you guys.
There's a red, uh, thingy...
- movin' towards the green thingy. - What?
Red thingy moving towards the green thingy...
I think... I think we're the green thingy.
'A little present for you, Commander.'
Move this ship! Go!
(Gwen screams)
(Explosion)
(Explosions and screaming)
- Tommy, get us out of here! - What do I do?!
Go, go, go!
(All shout)
Whoo!
They're turning. They're coming!
Thrust ahead, full!
(Sarris) Fire at will.
- (Explosions) - Go faster, Tommy!
- I'm going as fast as I can! - She's still behind us!
I always say "Press the turbo," right?
- It's right here! - Press it and hold it down!
(Explosion)
- (Engines roar) - Whoo!
(Computer) 'Enemy matching velocity.'
- Enemy matching velocity. - We heard the first time!
I'm doing it. I'm repeating the computer.
(Deadpan) 'Hi, guys. Listen, they're tellin' me...
'the, uh... the generators won't take it.
'The ship is breakin' apart and all that. Just FYI.'
- We've gotta stop! - We stop and we die. Tommy, hold on!
- Turbo's only for quick boosts! - Oh, like you know!
(Engines sputter)
(Alarm)
I remember that sound. That's a bad sound.
Wait, wait! We might be able to lose them in this cloud.
- I don't think that's a cloud. - Mathesar, what is it?
The Tothian minefield from the war of 12185.
Oh, God! Whoo!
(Moaning and whimpering)
(Explosion)
Could you possibly try NOT to hit every single one?
Sorry, man, I think they're magnetic!
(Clunk)
Continue forward, sir?
Patience, Lieutenant.
Patience.
- We've gotta stop! - We're almost through.
(Engines splutter and die)
- You OK? You all right? - Yeah.
Everybody all right? Where's Tommy?
- (Screaming) Oh, man! - Tommy! You all right?
No, my arm is broke... Don't touch it! Don't touch it!
- I'll take him to Medical quarters. - Thanks, Mathesar.
(Tommy screams)
Alex, where are you going?
To see if there's a pub!
(Computer) 'Forward thruster shaft, 87% damage.
'Aft vector guards, 96% damage.
'Structural breaches in quadrants 32, 33, 30... '
- What about the engines? - 'Forward thrust shaft, 87% damage.'
Computer, what about the engines? Why don't we have power?
'The beryllium sphere has fractured under stress.'
- It's fractured. - Can it be repaired?
- Computer, can it be repaired? - 'Damage to sphere irreparable.
- 'New source of beryllium needed.' - We need another one.
You broke the bloody ship!
Eh, ah... Ahem. Computer, is there a replacement sphere on board?
Computer, is there a replacement beryllium sphere on board?
'Negative. No reserve beryllium sphere exists on board.'
No, we have no extra beryllium sphere on board.
That is really getting annoying!
Look, I have one job on this lousy ship.
It's stupid, but I'm gonna do it, OK?
Sure, no problem.
A thousand apologies. We have failed you.
(Chuckles) How have you failed us?
We have seen you victorious in much more desperate situations.
The fault must lie with us, with the ship.
No, it is not your fault, and it's not the ship's fault.
It-it's my fault. W-we screwed...
We are not the people you think we are.
I don't understand.
Didn't you make any TV shows on your planet? Any theatre? Films?
The historical documents of your culture.
Yes, in fact, we have begun to follow your example.
No, not historical documents. They're not all historical documents.
Surely you don't think that Gilligan's Island is a...
- (Moaning) - Those poor people.
(Tommy) Oh, brother.
We're screwed.
Is there no one on your planet who behaves in a way...
that's contrary to reality?
Ahh! You are speaking of...
- Deception, lies. - Deception, lies.
We have only recently become aware of this concept
in our dealings with Sarris.
Often, Sarris will say one thing and do another.
Promise mercy, but deliver destruction.
It is a concept we are learning at some great cost.
But if you are saying you could have traits in common with Sarris...
(Laughs)
(Laughs weakly)
(lntercom beeps)
'Hey, Commander, listen. We found some beryllium on a nearby planet.
'We might be able to get there
'by reconfiguring the solar matrix in parallel for endothermic propulsion.
'What do you think? '
- We'll do that! - All right!
Th-that's right again.
That's... C-Come on, group hug. Come on.
Dr Lazarus, I hope I am not breaching protocol,
but I am so very humbled to stand in your presence.
I have studied your missions extensively.
Though I am Thermian, I have lived my life by your philosophy,
by the code of the Mak'tar.
- Oh, good, that's very nice. - By Grabthar's hammer, Dr L...
- Don't! I'm not kidding. - Sorry, sir, I was only...
Just don't.
Yes, sir.
Never give up, never surrender.
Dr Lazarus? Here is your surface mapper.
I have programmed the co-ordinates
of a beryllium sphere of sufficient density.
Good luck, sir.
Thanks.
You're doing good, Tommy.
I changed my mind. I wanna go back.
After the fuss you made about getting left behind?
But I thought I was the crewman that stays on the ship
and something up there kills me.
But what if I'm the guy who's killed by a monster when we land?
- You won't die on the planet, Guy. - I'm not? Then what's my last name?
It's, uh, uh... I don't know.
Nobody knows! Do you know why?
Because my character isn't important enough.
Because I'm gonna die five minutes in.
Guy, you have a last name.
- Do I?! Do I?! - Yes!
For all you know, I'm just crewman number six.
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
Are we there yet?
(Guy) Mommy! (Jason) Tommy!
(Gwen) Look out! Oh, no! (Alexander) Pull out!
(Fred) Oh, yeah!
Oh, boy! Yeah!
(Guy) Don't open that! It's an alien planet!
Is there air? You don't know!
Seems OK.
Here we go.
(Jason) Which way, Alexander?
(Beeping)
This way!
Wait. No.
- That way. - You were holding it upside down.
- Shut up. - I actually thought you were smart.
You could do better, Laredo?
(Tommy) Stop that Laredo stuff. (Guy) We're screwed.
(Jason) Come on, use some self-control.
(Gwen) That's funny from a guy who slept with every slave girl
AND moon princess on the show.
(Jason) If you'd been more supportive...
(Alexander) Wow. Must be some sort of mining facility.
Where are the miners?
Something bad happened here.
Will you relax?
There they are. Beryllium spheres. Let's go.
(Gasps)
(Alien chattering)
Look at that.
Would you look at that?
They look like little children.
Could they be the miners?
Sure, they're like, three years old.
Miners, not minors!
- You lost me. - I don't like this.
- I don't like this at all. - They are so cute.
Sure, they're cute now, but in a second, they'll get mean.
They're gonna get ugly somehow, then there'll be a million more.
(Gasping) Look. There's a little hurt one.
(Whimpers)
Aw.
(Whimpering continues)
Hi. Hi there.
- Ah! - Shh!
Did you guys ever WATCH the show?
See? They're gonna help the little hurt one.
(Whispering)
I'm so sick of being right.
Let's go, before those things kill Guy.
We're not going without a beryllium sphere.
I need a diversion to clear the compound.
Then, we'll go get a sphere.
Tommy, if you see them come back give a signal.
- Why is this so familiar? - "Assault on Voltareck", episode 81.
- Episode 81? - The one with the hologram.
How the hell does Fred project a hologram?
- Is it episode 81? - It's just a rough plan.
- What difference does it make? - Cos I died in episode 81!
- Shh! Episode 51, right? - This is ludicrous.
Why are you listening to this fellow? This is a costume, not a uniform.
He's no more equipped to lead us than him. No offence.
Look, they're gone.
- Where'd they go? - I don't know.
Nobody was watching?!
Gwen, Fred, Alex and I will get a sphere.
Fleegman, Tommy, you're lookout.
- You see anything, give us a signal. - What kind?
- Any kind of signal. - OK, I'll do this.
Coo! Coo!
What are you, an infant?! Look, we have these.
That... Sorry.
Let's go.
(Grunting)
- Does the rolling help? - Uh-huh, it helps.
- Where's your gun? - It helps.
- Oh. - What?
Ha ha, never give up, never surrender.
(Others) Oh, shut up.
Caw, caw! Jason! They're coming! There's thousands of 'em!
Run, Jason! Run! Run!
They're everywhere, they're everywhere!
Everywhere!
Come on, let's go!
- (All shouting) - Hurry!
(Guy) They're everywhere! Come on!
(Jason) Don't look back. Do not look back!
(Guy) We're not gonna make it!
(Guy) I knew it, I knew it! I knew this was gonna kill me!
(Jason) Come on! Push! Let's go, Tommy!
It's gonna take a few seconds.
I got it, I got it!
- Go ahead. - There's no time. Get in!
You've got to be the hero, haven't you?
Heaven forbid anybody else gets the spotlight!
Jason! Jason, come on!
(Gwen) Hurry! (Jason) Tommy, go! Go! I'm in!
No, no, no! Jason, please!
- Tommy, stop the pod! - I can't, it's on autopilot!
(Guy) Leave him! (Gwen) No!
(Screeching)
Oh, right!
Of course, it's always about you, isn't it?
(Snorting)
Ugh! Oh! Oh! Ugh!
- (Growls) - Oh...
(Aliens chanting)
Gorignak! Gorignak! Gorignak! Gorignak!
Jason? Jason, can you hear me?
'Yeah, Gwen, you got me.'
- Thank God. Are you OK? - 'Yeah.'
Gorignak's staring me in the face right now.
'But you know what? I think I can take him.'
(All) Oh.
Jason, we're gonna use the digital conveyor.
- The digital conveyor? - 'Yes.'
You're gonna have me diced and sent up there in a million pieces?
- Right. - 'Well, you know what?
'I'll take my chances with Gorignak.'
(Gwen) 'We're getting you out. It's perfectly safe, isn't it, Teb? '
It has never been successfully tested.
- 'What did he say? ' - Hold, please.
Theoretically it is fully operational.
But it was built for your... anatomy, not ours.
But Tech Sergeant Chen can operate it.
It was designed watching him in the historical documents.
I-I-I mean, I can't. I-I can supervise...
We're gonna test it.
- On what? - How about that pig lizard?
- 'I'm doing OK with the pig lizard.' - Please, Fred? And hurry.
(Nervous laugh)
I'm sorry. It's very exciting to watch the master.
The conveyor is more... hm... art than science.
Stand back, Jason.
(Aliens chanting) Gorignak, Gorignak, Gorignak...
(Growls)
(Zap)
Oh!
(Screams and groans)
- 'What was that? ' - Uh...
- Nothing. - 'I heard squealing.'
- Everything's fine. - But the animal is inside out.
I heard that. It turned inside out?
And it exploded.
Did I just hear that the animal turned inside out and exploded?
'Hello? '
Hold, please.
'Hey, wait a minute, guys... '
Why are they still yelling "Gorignak"?
Teb, hit the translation circuit.
(Aliens chanting) 'Gorignak... Rock.'
Rock, rock, rock, rock!
(All) Oh!
Jason, I don't think the pig lizard was Gorignak.
What the hell you talkin' about?
Oh, darn.
(Sighs) Oh.
'Digitise me! '
- Come on. - 'Digitise me! '
- Not me. - They based it on your movements.
Am I the only one who saw that thing inside out?
I'm not Tech Sergeant Chen. Kwan's not even my real name.
Jason, you'll have to kill it.
Kill it? Well, I'm open to any suggestions.
Go for the eyes, like episode 22!
It doesn't have any eyes, Tommy.
Go for its vulnerable spots!
It's a rock. It doesn't have any!
I know - construct a weapon. Look around you.
- Can you form a rudimentary lathe? - A lathe?!
Get him off! Alexander, you're my advisor. Advise!
Well, just figure out what it wants. What is its motivation?
It's a rock monster. It doesn't have motivation.
See? You were never serious about the craft.
Oh! Fred, can you hear me?! Fred, are you there? (Screams)
- Kinda. - 'You can do it, Fred! '
Oh, no, no, no. Jason, I'll just... just mess it up.
- You did it for years on the show! - That was the show. I'm not him.
You never forgot a line or missed a mark!
Oh!
That's not me any more.
It is you, Fred. You just stopped trying.
You can do this. You're gonna save my life.
- I am? - 'No doubt about it, Fred.
'Fred!
'Fred, can you hear me? '
'Fred! '
Fred? I don't wanna die down here.
Digitise me, Fred!
(Zap)
Oh, wow.
- Tech Sergeant Chen. - Yeah!
(Gwen and Jason kiss)
You managed to get your shirt off.
- I did it. - Welcome back, Fred.
All right, is the beryllium sphere installed?
- Yes, we are back to full power. - Engines and pods?
- Fully operational. - Perfect!
You can drop us off and you guys can be home before supper.
No, we have no reason to go back.
Sure you do. Family, friends...
We are all that is left.
- I didn't know that. - I have raised the command deck.
Mathesar, meet us up on the command deck.
Mathesar.
Mathesar! Quellek!
Why can't we reach them?
(Footsteps)
(Growls)
(Mathesar) Commander. Thank God, you're alive.
Now you will face justice, Sarris.
At every turn, you demonstrate the necessity for your extermination!
Leave him alone.
You wish to save the life of this man?
Yeah. Yes.
Then tell me - what does it do, this Omega 13?
I don't know what it does.
I said, I don't know!
- Is it a bomb? - I don't know.
- A booby trap? - I don't know!
- Tell me! - I don't know!
Do you think I'm a fool?!
That the Commander does not know every bolt and weld in his ship?!
(Groans)
Prepare a tear harness...
for the female.
(Jason) No! Gwen, no!
You brute! Let go of me!
- (Groaning) I'm not the Commander. - What did you say?
I said, I'm not the Commander.
Leave them. There's no reason to hurt them.
- They don't know anything. - Explain.
Gwen, show him the historical documents.
(Sighs) Computer,
show the historical documents of the Galaxy Quest missions.
(Galaxy Quest theme)
(Chuckles)
Wonderful.
You have all done far greater damage than I ever could have.
Bravo!
(Laughs) Bravo.
This is a moment I will treasure.
Explain to him...
who you all really are.
Tell him!
Explain!
Mathesar, the...
There's no such person as Captain Taggert.
My name is Jason Nesmith. I am... an actor.
We're all actors.
He doesn't understand.
Explain, as you would a child.
We, uh... we pretended.
We lied.
(Moans)
Yes! You understand that, don't you, Mathesar?
Mathesar, I... l'm not a commander. I...
There's no National Space Exploration Administration.
We don't have a ship.
But there it is.
That ship is that big.
But inside, I see many rooms.
You've seen plywood sets that look like the inside.
Our beryllium sphere is-is wire with plaster around it.
And our... (Chuckles)
Our digital conveyor is...
Christmas tree lights.
It's a decoration. It's all fake.
Just like me.
(Whispers) But why?
It's difficult to explain.
On our planet, we...
we pretend to... to entertain and...
Mathesar, I am so sorry.
God, I am so sorry.
(Gagging)
(Sarris) So now you know.
Lieutenant Lathe, hardwire the reactor core to overload.
I would like to blow this troublesome vehicle to dust.
Sarris, what about my people?
Yes, far too simple a death for them, isn't it?
Lathe, open an oxygen seal on level C.
Let the air in a bit for our friends.
Son of a... Uh!
Release them...
into space.
(Computer) 'Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden.
'Core implosion estimated in nine minutes.
'Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden.'
Hey!
(Alexander) Where's the happy ending, Jason?
"Never give up, never surrender."
Maybe it's about time you just backed off, you fin-headed monstrosity.
(Gwen) Jason?
You what?
You're starting to act like you did in episode 17,
you scene-stealing hack.
Oh, right!
Well, how does it feel, Jason? Was it worth it? You've murdered us all!
- Shut up. - Hundreds to die because of you!
- Shut up! - (Sarris) Get in there.
Just because you wanna play at being commander, you lunatic.
Then I'll see you in hell.
Look out, Jason!
Get his gun! Get the gun!
(Guy) Take that!
(Screaming)
Sorry... The door's a little sticky.
I'll get someone up here with a can of WD-30.
(All laugh)
- Don't pull your punches. - Scene-stealing hack?
- Raving egomaniac? - Where's that from?
Hey, guys...
Iook.
(Gwen) They're suffocating.
(Computer) 'Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden.
'Core implosion estimated in eight minutes.'
General, your transport is ready for departure!
(Computer) 'Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden.
'Core implosion estimated in seven minutes.'
- Computer, shut down the core. - 'Unable.'
'Memory checksum invalid. Core system's hardware damaged.'
This is what we gotta do.
Gwen, you and I will shut the core down manually.
Fred, take Guy and Laliari. Save those Thermians.
Alexander, wedge a door open in case they can't.
Wait, what about me? What do I do?
You're gonna practise driving. Let's go!
Practise driving.
(Gwen) So we get to shut down a neutron reactor?
I hate to break it to you,
but I don't know how to shut down a neutron reactor,
and unless you took a course, I'm pretty sure you don't know, either.
No, I don't, but I know someone who does.
Brandon, honey, the garbage.
Oh, Mother, I'm quite busy.
(Mother) Don't make me ask again.
Just 10 more minutes, OK, Ma? I promise.
(Beep)
(Jason) 'Hello? Anybody there?
'Hello? '
Hello?
Got him. Listen to me. This is Jason Nesmith.
'I play Commander Peter Quincy Taggert, NSEA Protector.'
We accidentally traded boxes the other day.
Oh? Oh. Commander, I see. OK.
'What's your name, son? '
Brandon.
I remember you from the convention.
You asked all those technical questions about the ship
and I was a little short with you.
Yes, yes, I know, Commander, and I wanna...
I wanted to tell you that I-I thought about what you said...
- It's OK. Listen. - But I want you to know...
I'm not a complete brain case.
I understand completely that it's just a TV show.
- H-Hold... Wait. Stop. Wait. - (Brandon continues)
It's all real.
Oh, my God, I knew it. I knew it! I knew it!
The crew and I are in trouble and we need your help.
(Computer) 'Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden.
'Core implosion estimated in six minutes.
- (Shriek) - (Screams)
Sir, it's you. Thank lpthar.
Quellek? What are you doing up there?
I avoided capture by using your Mak'tar stealth face.
- Where is everyone? - Come with me.
I'll explain on the way.
We're at level C, hallway five.
Um, go to weapons storage,
your second left, through the passage.
That leads to the utility corridors.
- Open. - 'I'm gonna get Kyle.'
He knows the utility tunnels best.
...38, 39, 30.
We have to turn off the valve to the barracks.
- 'Hi, Brandon.' - No pleasantries, Kyle.
We have an emergency. You got the utility system map?
I've got sectors one to 28. Hollister has the others.
'Get everybody online.'
- 'Pedal to the metal, Commander.' - Pedal to the metal, Commander.
General! I have just learned that the commander of the Protector
and his crew have escaped custody.
- What? - (Splat)
- Find them! - But sir! My men...
The core implosion is...
FIND THEM!
Brandon, I see five ducts in here. Which way?
The second to your left, and just continue straight for 50 metres.
Ducts? Why is it always ducts?
(Brandon) 'There's a slight drop.'
Whoa!
Uh!
Thanks for the heads-up, Brandon! You OK?
(Quellek) They're dying.
- We gotta go across this? - 'Yes.'
Don't look down.
'Commander, what I'd give to see what you're seeing.'
- What? - You're deep in the Omega 13!
'Oh, it must be spectacular.'
It doesn't look like much to me.
There's just these few walls
and this dumb spinning fan that's in every single...
(Jason) Brandon, what does the Omega 13 device do?
'Many believe that it is a matter-collapser.'
A bomb capable of destroying everything in 13 seconds.
'But myself and others are convinced that it is a matter rearranger,
'a 13-second time jump to the past.'
Why 13 seconds? That's really not enough time to do anything.
- Time to redeem a single mistake. - What?
We gotta turn off that valve. Their oxygen's almost gone.
Listen, I'll go in. I'll create a distraction. I've got this.
I might be able to hold him long enough.
- That's suicide. - I'm a glorified extra, Fred.
I'm a dead man anyway. I'd rather die a hero than a coward.
Guy, Guy, maybe you're the plucky comic relief.
You ever think about that?
Plucky?
Besides, I just had this really interesting idea.
Are you stoned?
Gotta get them open and give them some time.
Sir, perhaps together...
the Mak'tar chant of strength, Larak tarath.
- Larak tarath, larak tarath. - Larak tarath.
(Both) Larak tarath, larak tarath, larak tarath!
(Air hisses)
Brandon, we're across. Now what?
Take a left and then just straight on through the chompers.
"The chompers"?
- Well, screw that. - How do we get through this?!
- Hollister, what's the sequence? - OK, the sequence is...
two-two-four-two...
What is this?
There's no useful purpose for a bunch of chompy things in a hallway!
We shouldn't have to do this. Why is it here?!
- Cos it's on the TV show! - Well, forget it!
I am not doing it! This episode was badly written!
- When the first crusher hits you... - It just did!
- OK, go now. - Go!
(Brandon) 'Go!
'Stop!
'Go-o! '
Come on, come on, come on.
'Go!
'Go! No, stop! Stop!
'Go!
- 'Stop! ' - (Gwen screams)
'Jump, Commander, jump! '
Whoever wrote this episode should DIE!
This should be interesting.
(Beeping)
(Zap)
(Rumbling)
(Screaming)
It's the simple things you treasure.
That's great.
Now... we better get...
Hey, get a room, guys.
Whoa!
(Guy) Hey, Fred...
Hey, Fred, uh...
Oh, that's not right. Oh!
Sir, the pressure - it's normalising.
All right!
We are saved.
He has saved us.
Commander Taggert has saved us!
(Cheering)
It's just not fair.
All right, Quellek, let's get back to the Commander.
(Laser blast)
I'm... l'm shot.
(Thermian groaning)
Quellek?
It's not too bad.
We'll get you to the medical quarters and you'll be fine.
It has been an honour to serve with you.
I have been blessed, sir. I-I...
Don't speak, Quellek.
You'll forgive my impertinence, sir,
but even though we had never before met,
I always considered you as a father to me.
Quellek...
By Grabthar's hammer,
by the sons of Warvan,
you shall be... avenged.
...13, 13, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19!
- Brandon, how do we stop this? - 'Push the blue button.'
- Is that it? - Why, what's wrong?
I just thought it'd be more complicated.
(Computer) 'Core implosion estimated in 20 seconds.'
Brandon, it's not working.
Brandon!
Mother, I cannot stress enough the severity
- of the Commander's predicament. - And the recyclables!
(Computer) 'Core implosion estimated in 10 seconds.
- 'Nine, eight,' - Gwen, I...
- 'seven, six,' - I always...
- 'five, four,' - Jason, oh, Jason.
'Three, two, one.'
(Silence)
Oh, it always stops at one on the show.
- (Laughs) - What were you saying?
- Sir! - What?
The detonation sequence has been aborted.
Impossible! Lmpossible!
Lock a complement of implosion missiles onto the Protector.
Tear her apart!
(Lasers firing)
Whoa! He's finished.
Alexander, listen to me. It's OK, it's OK.
The Thermians can handle it from here.
(Screaming)
We need that armour back up!
- Get me a forward view right now! - Plasma armour engaged.
- (Rumbling) - Tommy, lose 'em in that minefield.
- Minefield? - Pedal to the metal!
- Let's go!
Good going, Tommy. Great going.
Thrust ahead... full!
Into the field! Go!
(Jason) Can you get us closer to these mines?
Closer?
I could try.
General, I've lost them.
The magnetism of the minefield is disrupting our instruments.
Wait! I see something.
Yes. Yes! There they are.
- Get back on their tail. - I can't, sir.
- What? Why not? - Because they're coming right at us.
Fire at will.
Whoo! We're getting hammered, Jason! Return fire?
No! Divert all energy to the armour!
'How adorable!
'The actors are going to play war with me.'
- Sarris is accelerating toward us. - Accelerate to mark four.
Let me remind you, sonny,
I am a general.
If you are counting on me to blink,
then you are making a deadly mistake.
Let me tell you something, Sarris.
It doesn't take a great actor to recognise a bad one.
You're sweating!
Armour almost gone, Jason!
You fool! You failed to realise that with your armour gone,
my ship will tear through yours like tissue paper.
And what you fail to realise is my ship is dragging mines.
Oh, no! Turn, turn!
Yes! Yes!
Yes! (Laughing)
Yes! Yes!
(Cheering)
Mathesar!
Oh, my God, you're alive.
Come here.
The ship was a model as big as this.
A very clever deception indeed.
(Laughing)
Set a course for home?
- Can you do that? - Just point and click.
- We'll go through a black hole. - Objections?
(Jason) All right, set her up.
What's the matter, Mathesar?
We were hoping you could come with us.
M-my people have no commander.
Mathesar, I think your people... have a great commander.
Sir.
(Whimpers)
Tommy, take us into the black hole.
- We're out! - We're going home!
(Computer) 'Systems functional.'
All systems are working.
Before we left there was an energy surge from Sarris' ship.
Let's not worry about that right now, Alexander... Fred?
Shouldn't you be downstairs? Hey, you could put an eye out with that.
Fred?
Agh!
No!
(Laser blast)
Mathesar!
Activate the Omega 13!
(High-pitched buzzing)
- We're out! - We're going home!
(Computer) 'Systems functional.'
All systems are working.
Before we left there was an energy surge from Sarris' ship.
(Gwen) Jason, what are you doing? What are you doing?
Let go of me. Let... It's not Fred!
That's Sarris. Listen, I'm telling you, that's Sarris!
He's gonna kill all of us!
(Roaring)
Never give up, never surrender.
Jason! Jason! I can't slow it down!
Our ship cannot enter the atmosphere. We need to separate, or we'll die.
We gotta do it. It's our only hope, Mathesar.
- Thank you. - Crew to the secondary deck.
Mathesar!
Goodbye, my friends.
Fred, get up to command deck. We're separating.
On, Teb, on!
(TV) 'The third day of the GalaxyCon,
'and Jason Nesmith and his entire crew are no-shows here,
'disappointing all these fans... '
- Bye. Be back soon! - Where you taking those fireworks?
The Protector got super-accelerated leaving the black hole
and nailed the atmosphere at mark 15,
which is pretty unstable, obviously,
so we're gonna help Laredo guide it in on the vox
with these for visual confirmation.
All right, dinner's at seven.
- Well, he's outside. - Hmm.
(Screaming)
(Door hisses and clunks)
(Coughing)
(Coughs)
(Cheering)
Lieutenant Laredo... Tommy Webber!
(MC) Hi, Tommy!
The beautiful Tawny Madison... Gwen DeMarco!
Yes!
Wow, what effects!
Another shipmate! Yes, the more, the merrier!
The ship's Tech Sergeant Chen, Fred Kwan... and a friend.
Dr Lazarus... Alexander Dane!
Give him a big hand. He's British! Yes, sir!
Commander Peter Quincy Taggert... Jason Nesmith!
(Jason) Great driving, Tommy.
Yeah! Yes!
Quick, quick! Go, go!
(MC) Mr Jason Nesmith!
Come on, give it up for the crew, the NSEA Protector!
Ah, true love! Yes!
Wow!
- (Screaming) - Come on!
They're here for you folks. Come on!
What a show!
What a show! Yes!
Yes! Give it up! Wow!
Come on, give it up! Give it all up...
for the crew of your favourite show, Galaxy Quest! Wow!
Come on, come on!
(MC) Don't forget to buy Galaxy Quest T-shirts on your way out. Thank you.
Whoo!
'Now, back again after 18 years, The New Adventures of Galaxy Quest.'
(Mathesar) Never give up, never surrender.