CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening! Welcome to Would I Lie To You?,
the show that separates fact from fiction.
On Lee Mack's team tonight,
a presenter who has deejayed on Rinse FM and Radio 1,
which means our viewers will know her
from when their children have changed the station on the radio,
it's Maya Jama!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And a TV doctor who's presented
some of the most thrilling medical television
since I watched the video of my own colonoscopy,
it's Dr Xand van Tulleken!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And, on David Mitchell's team tonight, an actor and comedian
who says she turns up late for everything.
It's true - she was meant to be on last week's show.
It's Roisin Conaty!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And a radio presenter
whose dad and uncle were both in Spandau Ballet -
no matter what else he says tonight, I know that much is true.
It's Roman Kemp!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We begin with Round 1, Home Truths,
where our panellists read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Maya is first tonight.
Every morning, I wash my face with sparkling water.
David's team.
What brand of sparkling water?
To be honest, I don't actually have a brand,
I have the machine at home, the blu-blu-blu, the bubbler machine
so you just put... Like a SodaStream.
SodaStreamers. Right.
So do you have this machine in the bathroom?
No. My routine is I wake up, put my little under eye masks on,
go down to the kitchen, bubble my water,
come up, wash my face and then get in the shower.
That's exactly the same as Rob's routine.
Well, I do bubble my water, but I think it means something else.
Why? Why do you do that? Why do I do it? Well...
What's the point in having fizzy water on your face?
I read once that if you use fizzy, bubbly, sparkly water on your face,
it opens up the pores for whatever cleanser or face wash
you're going to use, gets in there really good like that.
We have a medical man,
and I don't mean Lee.
We've got Xand here. Is there any truth...?
I've never heard that, is there truth in that?
It's interesting, Rob, at medical school,
there is no lecture on preparing your face for cosmetics with sp...
It's, like, not a thing that...
All right, all right, smart aleck.
I was elevating you with that question,
but if you want to have combat with me for the rest of the night,
you are very welcome to it, my friend.
That's quite a complex skin routine.
Are you taking the fizzy water away with you?
Like, you know, travels for work... Oh, I see. Oh, on holiday?
Yes, yes, yes! You travel for work a lot.
What do you do when you're travelling for work?
In every hotel minibar, there is a fizzy water.
There is. Ah, she's got us!
So you go to your machine,
what do you put the water in to bring it to the sink?
Just like a bottle of...empty bottle of water or a big mug,
just do a couple of scoops.
You see, I would worry that my pores -
I mean, my pores might be different -
but I would worry that my pores, the sort of acridness of the fizz
would make my pores close up in fear.
LEE: That did sound like the start of a really bad advert
that you were doing for skin cream.
The acridness of the fizz makes me fearful,
but, now, with Oil of Ulay...
Right, what are you thinking?
Is Maya telling the truth or is it a lie?
My bit is the details.
The bringing the water, she said a bottle or a mug -
a mug is that much water, that's not doing a face -
and then you put the stuff on... No, but it's just whatever's next to the sink.
Sometimes I might have an empty Evian.
If you're doing it every day, you'd have a set system.
Yeah. It's a very fastidious process that you're undergoing.
The idea that, "Oh, that had a lasagne in it yesterday,
"fine, I'll use that."
So what are you going to say?
Instinctively, I think it's a lie.
You're saying it's a lie. We're going to go lie.
OK, Maya, truth or lie?
MAYA SIGHS
It is...
..a lie! DAVID: Oh, well done!
Yes, it's a lie.
Maya doesn't wash her face in sparkling water.
Xand, you're next.
I once had a race with another medical student
to see who could wheel their patient to X-ray first
but, in doing so, I tripped and I broke my own finger.
Right, David's team?
It does sound exactly like the sort of thing
medical students do, doesn't it?
So paint a picture of the scene.
So I had a good friend called Andrew.
We frequently, as medical students, would just...
You're meant to pitch in and be useful any way you can.
And you thought a race was pitching in and being useful?
I thought taking the patient to X-ray was pitching in...
Right, OK.
Anyone in this room, once you're side by side with a friend,
with a human...you've both got a human in a wheelchair, you race.
I'm glad you were still thinking of them as humans.
Did they not look at you like, "I've broken my leg,
"what are you doing?" Well...
No, I don't think they needed a leg X-ray.
It might have just been a repeat chest X-ray or something like that,
that they're recovering from pneumonia...
It was probably something... It was that kind of thing.
So their ability to breathe quickly at pace is better.
But they're not racing, they're just sitting there.
Like a jockey.
Like a jockey.How did they respond to this kindness?
They were up for it.
It's very boring being in hospital.
You're waiting for discharge, you're...
Oh, my God. I beg your pardon?
You're waiting to go home and so a bit of action,
the medical students are fun, we'd got to know them,
bit of a race down the corridor. So what happened, then?
You say you broke your finger. How did that happen?
I hadn't wheeled anyone fast before
and a wheelchair pivots hard
and, so, once I started to turn,
to protect...to save the person in the chair...
Of course, you're in this to save lives!
To save the person in the chair,
I then had to stop quickly and tripped over.
Did you have it X-rayed?
Yes. Did you push ahead?
"Never mind these guys, this is just their second
"congratulations on kicking pneumonia X-ray
"that's a total waste of public money, if you ask me -
"do my finger."
Embarrassingly, I think I did. So what do you think?
Is he telling the truth, Roisin?
Yes.Thank you.
LAUGHTER
Roman?
I don't know if it's necessarily something that he personally did
or if it was something that he'd heard about that had maybe happened.
And he dines out on it. Yeah, so I might go with a lie.
It's down to you. I think it's a lie as well now.
I've changed my mind. What made you change your mind?
Because it's a story...it's very conveniently about being a doctor,
and that's what he is.
But, thought about another way,
because he is one, he might have stories about being one.
You think it's a lie now? What do you think?
I think it's true. I thought it was true from the start.
OK, they're saying it's true.
Xand, truth or lie?
It is...
..a lie. Oh, no! Oh.
I knew it, I knew it.
Yes, it's a lie.
Xand didn't break his finger racing to an X-ray machine.
Roisin, you're next. Oh, OK.
I once failed an acting exam
after my plan to impress the teacher backfired.
Right, Lee's team.
Right. What age was this? 18.
So you're doing your A-level for Drama... Theatre Studies.
Theatre Studies. And what was your plan?
The plan was I needed to cry during a monologue
and I was doing a Dublin accent.
Oh, give us a little blast.
Oh, no, because your parents are Irish.
They're not from Dublin. I've met her family.
I met her sister.
I introduced her to my wife, Tara, and I said, "This is Tara..."
Who's very beautiful. Ridiculously beautiful.
Yes, it doesn't seem right, does it?
I tell you how unright it seems -
she went, "Oh, did you...
"..meet after he was, like, sort of a well-known comedian?"
And she went, "No, before," which is true -
we met before I ever did comedy -
and she went, "Oh,"
"did he save your life or something?"
It was unbelievable!
I'd only known her five minutes.
OK, so this was a sad monologue.
Sad monologue and a woman, she's leaving a pram at an airport
and I needed to cry and I needed the grade for my uni application,
I needed to pass Theatre Studies.
My plan was to use an onion to make myself cry
so that I really...you know, like Oscar bait, get the exam...
You weren't intending to do the monologue
and then start cutting? No...
SHE LAUGHS
No, I had onion in my pocket with, like, an entry area
so I could stick my hands in.
So, I touched my eyes... Without him seeing that you'd put your hand...
Just sort of... I was doing my acting.
DUBLIN ACCENT: "All of a sudden life's a mad circus,"
and I was just touching my eyes. MAYA: That was a good accent!
That was the accent, was it? That was the accent.Very good. Thanks, Rob!
So I do that and then I touch my eyes and, then, I thought,
"Oh, actually, there's quite a bit longer to go on this bit."
So I'm not meant to be at the tears bit yet,
then, obviously, my eye starts going
and I'm just, like, trying to keep it together
cos I'm not meant to be crying yet.
And then I have to get the pram to bring it off the stage...
..but I can't see,
and I finish the monologue like that
and I have to just walk off.
Did he find out, the teacher? Oh, yeah. She came up...
SHE came up to me, straight up, and she went, "Onion?"
What are you thinking, then, Maya?
I don't know, I think dedication to the cause,
but onions are that shape, aren't they?
So you'd see a little bulge
in whatever jacket and stuff that you had on.
I don't think she would do it.
I think someone might have done it, but I don't...
You don't think it's true.
OK, well, I am going to say, then, it's a lie.
You're saying it's a lie. Right, Roisin, truth or lie?
It is...
..true!
Whoa.
Yes, it's true.
Roisin really did use an onion to make herself cry.
Our next round is called This Is My where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection to the guest.
It's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's special guest, Martin.
APPLAUSE
So, Xand. What is Martin to you?
This is Martin,
and when I accidentally shaved off a chunk of my beard,
he lent me some of his.
Maya, how do you know Martin?
OK, so this is Martin and he once exorcised my car
because I thought it was haunted.
And, finally, Lee, your relationship with Martin?
This is Martin, he freed me after I got my finger stuck
in a bowling ball.
So there we have it. David, where do you want to begin?
Xand, so he... Sorry, he lent you a section of his beard?
Yeah, so I had shaved off that side of my beard by mistake,
and I needed to... How did you do that?
You put the teeth on the beard trimmer and you have to adjust it...
Yes. ..and I didn't put the teeth on and shaved my cheek twice -
zoop, zoop, cleared the cheek -
then I needed replacement beard hair.
And where does this chap come in?
I was filming a television programme the next day
and the problem was that we'd already filmed some of it
and so I had to keep the beard,
and I also have it in my contract that I always have to have a beard
because I have an identical twin brother
and, without the beard, I look like him and then I can't...
I don't think that would be a problem
because you still had some of the beard.
I think you'd still be distinguishable from your...
Oh, I see. Unless he had madly grown a partial beard.
OK, so how do you come into contact with someone?
Is this a...is this a service that someone provides
whereby, if you mis-shave, he'll help you out? No.
LEE: Do you regret your Brazilian?
DAVID: Well, with the help of this man's hairy face...
So Martin is a sound person or an acoustic engineer
on the TV show that I was working on,
and he kindly trimmed off a bit of his beard
and allowed me to glue it to my face.
So, how many days did you have to film?
Because, presumably, you'd have to remove this hair
at the end of the day.
You can't go to bed with that, can you?
So, at the end of the day, Martin gave me an envelope
of his beard trimmings...
Oh, get away!
I carried the...
I had to film for the rest of the weekend -
in fact, into the next week -
and, so, for about five or six days, I was glueing...
I had some eyelash glue and I was glueing...
Because he gave you an envelope of his hair.
So he gave you a couple of clumps on that first day
and, at the end of the day, he said, "Well, there you go,
"That'll see you through till the middle of next week."
And he must have lost a fair bit of his, then.
It's a huge... It's a mighty beard. It's a dense beard, I will say that.
His beard does look like a feeder beard,
like it's designed just to feed other beards.
DAVID: Yes. It's like...
LEE: A wholesaler beard.
Right, who would you like to quiz next?
Maya, this car... Yeah. ..what model of car was it?
Mercedes 500.
And what made you think it needed exorcising?
OK, well, I have quite a spiritual nan,
a spiritual Swedish nan,
and I was telling her that it's always quite cold,
there's two seats in the car, it's always quite cold,
it feels like there's wind coming in even when all the windows...
..and there's no holes in it or anything like that,
and sometimes when I go into my car park, which is underground,
I have felt like someone touched me a couple of times,
just on the shoulder or, like, there.
And so I told her about it
and she was like, "I know this guy Martin..."
"And it's probably him."
She said, "You should have a little chat with Martin,
"he does this kind of thing,
"he goes and he'll get rid of the bad spirits and stuff like that,
"and if it is your new car,
"then it's best that you get it sorted out, you know?"
I got to say, you did say... So your nan's Swedish?
Yeah. Martin does look strikingly Scandinavian.
He does, actually, doesn't he? Yes, he does. Yeah, yes.
You could imagine him on a hardwood floor.
LEE: What are you doing on this hardwood floor, Rob?
SCANDINAVIAN ACCENT: Being Swedish.
Yeah, maybe the hardwood floor for a while
with high quality hi-fi, nice speakers.
So, your nan said that he does this sort of thing.
What does she mean by that?
Well, he's a medium. That's what these sort of people do.
Well, a medium is not the same as an exorcist.
I thought you were going to say a medium isn't the same as an extra large.
DAVID: To be clear, he is not a priest. No. He's doesn't...
Your classic person who can do exorcism is a priest.
Yeah. No... I don't think they do cars, though.
I mean, I know things have gone bad for the church but...
ROMAN: Exorcism is quite a loose term here.
I know there are a lot of people that...they clear energy.
Yeah, like they read your cards
and they say, "Oh, there's someone in the room,"
and that kind of stuff.
So he's more of a general... LEE: Charlatan.
If it's true, I'm going to get killed,
but it's not true because he got my finger stuck in a bowling ball
and helped, but if it was true.
So, Maya, talk us through what he did for you.
So, I'm going to be honest, I wasn't in the car.
It's a two-seater, he got in the car,
I stayed a little bit away...
So there wasn't room for you and him and the ghost. Course not.
And then basically I watched from a distance.
He was shouting for a little while
and then he did vibrate a little bit...
ROISIN: What?! ..and that was about it. So like this?
So you were a bit further away, so did you see him just...?
Just saw a shaking bearded man.
You're just seeing a man in your car...ROMAN: What was he saying?
Could you see his hands when he was vibrating? Yes, that's important. I can't remember.
His hands were on show.All right.
His hands are on show as far as we know.
Yeah.How did he finish?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
No, no, no. No, no.
Roman Kemp!
What would your listeners think? Sorry.
How did it end?
He came out of the car
and then he said, "Well, I've done what I can, I've had a word."
"Done what I can." She'd done so well and then she gets to the end
and she's like, "And then he just got out, said see you later, mind how you go."
It's always the last bit and you just drop the ball.
No, I'm having a laugh, I'm playing along,
but he did, he said he basically had finished what he needed to do...
He'd come to the end of the exorcism.
So did he give you any feedback about what he'd cleared?
Well, he looked at me and said...
SHE EXHALES
Like that.
He acknowledged the fact that there was, in fact, something in there...
So he didn't say, "You've wasted your money hiring me -
"that needed doing, that was a big one in there."
OK, so what exactly did Martin say that he found?
He wasn't that clear, I'll be honest.
He just said it was a spirit.
I think there's levels to this ghost-talking stuff...
LEE: Spirit levels. ..like it depends how far...
APPLAUSE
OK, now, what about Lee?
Remind us, Lee, of your claim.
This is Martin and he once helped me
when I got my fingers stuck in a bowling ball.
So when was this? This was about a year ago.
And who are you bowling with? Family trip?
It was my son's birthday.
Aw. What was Martin's job at the bowling alley?
He didn't have a job at the bowling alley.
He was in the lane next to me. Which finger got stuck?
It was the two... Those two fingers got stuck.
They both got stuck. I know.
Wow. And above the knuckle?
Did you...did you...? Not tonight, darling.
Did you...?
No, did you pl...?
Did you plunge them in?
So I went into the ball - fum, like that... Yeah, like that.
I'm thinking, "Hello, is there something...?
"Oh, I've picked up the wrong ball,
"picked up a 12kg, not a 14." Ah.
"I've only gone and put my fingers in a hole that's too small,
"my fingers are stuck.
"Oh, well, it'll give me something to talk about on the show."
So how did he get them out?
He said, "Are you all right, mate?"
And I said, "I've actually got my fingers stuck in the ball."
And he said, "Well, can I help you?"
I said, "I don't know. Are you qualified?"
And he said, "No, I've never done anything like this in my life."
I said, "Well, neither have I. That's two of us."
This is sounding quite romantic now. Yes.
So I touched his face gently but knocked him out. Yeah.
And...
Then, later, he came round... Yes.
Yeah. I said, "How did you get my address?"
He said, "Can I help you?" I said, "You tell me."
So he said, "All right, let's see if we can pull it off."
So he held on - the children held my arm as he pulled,
and it didn't work.
So he said, "Why don't I go to the kitchen and get something
"to use as a sort of lubricant?"
OK.
He came back with quite a large tub of butter.
When he's gently lubing your fingers up... Yeah.
..a man you've never met before, and your wife's off
and it's just you and him, what were you talking about?
Oh, you know, we were chewing the fat,
and he said, "Don't, we'll need that."
Is that what did it?
Eventually, the lubrication and the excessive pulling
and a little bit more pulling from the opposite direction
from my wife and the kids at the party resulted in a...
POP!
..and out it came.
All right, so, we need an answer.
So, David's team, is Martin Xand's bearded buddy,
Maya's car cleanser,
or Lee's finger freer?
I think I'm sceptical about Lee's story,
but the problem is that the other two stories are...
One is that he exorcised a car
and the other is that he lent some beard hair.
It's definitely Xander. Is it?
Yeah. Oh, well, that's fine. We're fine.
So you're willing to accept
that this man took clippings from his own beard,
put them into an envelope, gave them to Xand,
and he then stuck them onto his face?
Rob, if you were to take trimmings of your beard,
what exactly...and you had to give them to someone,
what exactly are you meant to be putting them in anyway?
Tupperware.
What did you say he worked in? He worked in the audio department?
He could work in the audio department,
but also he could be a Scandinavian exorcist, I suppose.
I haven't seen many Scandinavian exorcists...LEE: Could work in a bowling alley.
No.He didn't work in a bowling alley. Oh, yeah, sorry.
He just happened to be there.
No, hang on, he didn't work...
That's why I was getting confused because he was TENPIN'.
Oh!
APPLAUSE
Maya, do you believe in ghosts?
Yeah, I actually do. I believe in ghosts. Do you?
Why do you believe in ghosts? Why not?
Well, because they patently don't exist.
Oh, you're not going to logic on me. We can believe in anything...
OK, if there are so many ghosts... Well, if ghosts exist,
why are they always in isolated places
rather than absolutely cramming central London?
I... In my car! People have been living and dying in misery
in central London for 2,000 years - in that square mile,
you shouldn't be able to move for ghouls.
You don't see them there in the modern office blocks...No.
..or with the plague or being eaten by a lion in Roman times,
or having their head chopped off for no reason -
oh, no, it's in one pub
where a total of 2,000 people have lived ever,
that's where the ghosts hang out.
It doesn't make any sense.
APPLAUSE
So what are you going to say, David? OK...What are you going to say?
It's 100% Xander.
Right, are we happy to go with that? I think so, yeah. Yeah.
We'll go with that. You're saying it's Xand, OK. Yeah.
OK, Martin, would you please reveal your true identity.
I'm Martin and I lent Xander my beard.
APPLAUSE
Thanks, dude.
Yes, Martin is Xand's bearded buddy.
Thank you very much, Martin.
Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies,
and we start with...
it's Roman.
I had to secretly put my clothes on during a Zoom call,
so the pop star I was interviewing wouldn't realise I was naked.
All right, Lee's team.
OK, just for David's sake, what is a pop star?
Someone within the realm of popular music.
DAVID: Bing Crosby and the like.
Bing Crosby, yeah.
The pop star in question... Bing Crosby!
..was Justin Timberlake.
Wait, did you know in advance that you were going to have this Zoom?
I didn't necessarily know the time because I was asleep.
What time was it UK time?
5pm.
What were you wearing at the start of the meeting?
Nothing.
Literally nothing? At five o'clock in the afternoon?
Yeah. You don't butt-naked nap in the afternoon,
like you do naked naps in the morning-ish
if you haven't left the house yet.
Full naked at five o'clock? Yeah.
Yeah, I've done that. Yeah.
DAVID: I don't think... Picture it, Maya!
Imagine this with no clothes on and a pipe in the mouth.
So he didn't notice? You got through the whole of the interview?
He had no idea.
I've woken up, I've realised I was late,
didn't have any clothes on,
and, at that point, I've realised,
OK, just quickly get there and put a T-shirt on,
cos I know that obviously it's only top half, joined the call...
That is worse. Yeah.
If you see someone in a T-shirt and then see...
..you're like what the...?!
Whereas if he's all naked,
you go, "He's got out of the shower, he's timed it wrong."
But a T-shirt - you think why dress that half first?
I think as well, me and him have the same manager,
and she's very organised
and I feel like she wouldn't have let you miss a call
cos she rings my phone like a hundred million times before calls.
Yeah, but she's not as interested in his career.
Maya, this is very much your world.
The way you talked about your manager, then, it was exciting.
Yeah, no...
MAYA LAUGHS
Rob, you're still looking for representation.
Yes. Yes.
I've been in London now for 30 years and fingers crossed.
Yeah, no, I think it is very believable,
but I just think Justin Timberlake is a massive artist,
you would have been prepared for it so I think it's a lie.
I think when you call Justin Timberlake,
there's layers of people, aren't there?
Maya, have you ever interviewed anyone one to one, so you don't go via...?
Can you literally press Zoom and now you're interviewing someone?
Yeah, I did Madison Beer and we had her and me only on the screen.
You mean THE Madison Beer? Your favourite!
LEE MOUTHS
You had Madison Beer.
David, she had Madison Beer. DAVID: Madison Beer.
That's heir to the Beer fortune.
Big business, beer, isn't it?
OK, what's your team thinking? LEE: So what do we think?
I'm going to go with a lie. OK. I think it's a lie. Lie.
They're all saying it's a lie. Roman?
I really wish it was a lie cos it's actually...
..true. Oh!
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's true.
Roman really did interview Justin Timberlake in the nude.
Next...
It's David.
Last year, I was asked to remove my jumper in a restaurant
after the table next door complained that its bold pattern
was ruining their photographs.
Lee's team?
OK. So when you're not with us, you're a bit more bold, are you?
Yeah, well, I didn't think it was a bold pattern.
I just thought it was rather natty.
Could you describe the bold jumper?
There's sort of lines like that
and we're looking at yellows and browns
and a little touch of blue and green
and then a sort of zigzag thing like that.
Sounds quite '80s.
Well, you know, I think it's timeless.
We've never done this before on Would I Lie To You,
but are we allowed to ask this lady to just stand forward
into the middle of the floor?
Oh, my God.
If you stand in the middle of the floor there.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Was it that bold? No.
Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Who were you with at the time? I was... I was with my parents.
So what did you do? Did you take the jumper off?
I did, I'm afraid... Aw.
..because they asked politely and so I did it
and I didn't realise how humiliating that request was
until I'd gone along with it.
It's embarrassing. Just the slow take off.
Absolutely. Did you do a quick one?
Exactly, taking a jumper off is a bit of a kerfuffle.
For example, before James Bond has a fight,
you don't see him take a jumper off.
It's not the right sort of...
His hair's gone a bit...
It's the least attractive removal scene.
Exactly. Strippers don't wear jumpers, do they?
No. It's not the sort of thing.
Did they realise that you were the esteemed actor,
broadcaster, writer,
or did they think you were just a sad middle aged man
still having dinner with his parents?
The two aren't mutually exclusive.
What was the name of the restaurant?
It was The Ivy restaurant in St John's Wood.
You've just lost your working class audience.
Oh... Cheerio.
So, David is really asking us to believe that he's spineless,
so what do you think?
I think so. You're saying true. I think true.
Yeah, I think it's a true story. Oh, OK.
Well, then, I must go with my team and say this is definitely true.
OK, David, truth or lie?
It is in fact...
..a lie. Oh!
BUZZER
That noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show,
and I can reveal that David's team have won by 5-1.
Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thanks for watching. We'll see you next time. Good night.