Hey, hey. If you're coming in for the morning grind...
斯基普·雷諾茲 Hey, hey. If you're coming in for the morning grind...
斯基普·雷諾茲
it's another brutal Monday out there traffic-wise.
值得您信賴的路況播報
it's another brutal Monday out there traffic-wise.
The 2 is slow-and-go to the 5. A Sig Alert is bogging down the I-10.
And if you're on the 405 freeway, you're probably already late for work.
If your boss gives you a hard time about it, have him come down here and talk to...
- ...Rachel. - Oh, no.
Zing! Ha, ha. Thanks, Skip.
But, hey, speaking of bosses, after the break...
we get to meet three guys who are chasing their dream of becoming their own bosses.
Stay with us.
And we're out. Very good, guys. We're back in 90 seconds.
Jesus Christ. Dale, you gotta stop sweating, pal.
- Oh, wow, you are wet. - "Stop sweating." How do I stop sweating?
This is a big deal. We got everything riding on this.
We've quit our jobs, I have three children to think about now. How about that?
Think about this. You do a good job now, you're gonna make your boys very proud.
- Girls. I have three girls, dude. - Right. You can't even tell at that age.
- They basically look like potatoes with arms. - Don't call my kids potatoes.
- Respect the kids. - Don't piss him off.
- They wear pink! - Calm him down.
A lot of guys wear pink.
- I have a pink polo shirt that I love. - Come on.
- Can we get a roll of paper towels? - Can I get paper towels?!
Why are you barking at people? He's saying please, you're just barking.
- Bad manners. - Buddy, dry your face.
- He's freaking out. - It's unbelievable.
- Can you go on without me? - Why don't you wait in the car?
Stop, this is gonna be easy. You have to calm down.
Look, Nick's gonna hit them with facts and figures, because he's the brains, right?
You talk about how you and your wife fucked and made three potatoes with arms.
You're the heart. Me, I'll do my thing, get in where I fit in.
- You're the soul? - No, I'm the dick and balls.
- Got it. - Why would I wanna be the soul?
- Just don't pass out. Just keep breathing. - See? This will be easy.
- All we have to do is be ourselves. - Let's not. Ourselves is a Dumpster fire.
- Let's be better. Let's try to elevate a little. - That's a good note. Nobody be themselves.
All right, we're back in 20 seconds.
Hey, fellas, thanks for coming.
- Nice to meet you. - Good morning. How are you?
Hey, my man. There's trouble.
- Too much. - Well, he went with it.
- Dale Arbus. - Pleasure to meet you, man.
- Thanks for coming on. This will be fun. - Yeah.
Does that zip all the way down?
And we're back in five, four...
Get up, get up, get up, and get out
早安洛杉磯 Get up, get up, get up, and get out
早安洛杉磯
And we're back. You know, every week we like to highlight...
local inventors and entrepreneurs in our Big Idea Spotlight.
創意 焦點 local inventors and entrepreneurs in our Big Idea Spotlight.
創意 焦點
That's right, Mike.
創意 焦點
And today we have three modern-day...
創意 焦點
Edisons who've created a new shower gadget they hope to really clean up with.
Please, welcome Nick, Kurt and Dale.
戴爾·艾柏斯
- Pleasure to be here. - Before we get to the product, can you tell us...
科特·伯克曼
尼克·亨德裏克斯
本地發明家/企業家
- Pleasure to be here. - Before we get to the product, can you tell us...
what is it that inspired three regular Joes to go into business for yourselves?
We were all working at pretty terrible jobs for some awful bosses.
And thought if we got a chance to be our own bosses, we'd do things differently.
This might be our shot.
We didn't think we'd get the chance, but Dale had an amazing idea.
Don't go to Dale.
And, we started meeting together to talk about the invention...
instead of complaining about our jobs.
Hey, I think that's exciting.
Dale, you know, I just wanna know, where did the idea come from...
- ...for a new showerhead? - I have three kids.
So that's the heart.
- That's a blessing. - Yeah, well, he has triplets.
In all honesty, it's too many. I'm pretty overwhelmed.
Well, he's got them on his mind, clearly.
Let me answer the question.
Dale, had just gotten back from one of those self-service car washes...
- ...with the wand with the soap. - It's got everything in one thing.
He thought, "Why don't they make one of these for your body?"
After we had a few beers, we came up with the, Shower Buddy.
- The Shower Buddy? - I'm sorry, that name's not official yet.
- No, he's wrong. It is official. - I wanted the "Shower Daddy."
- "Shower Daddy" is worse on every level. - I have to agree with Nick.
Better than having some strange dude with you.
It's not some strange dude, as I've said many times. It's your buddy.
- Why would your buddy be in the shower? - Why would your dad?
Don't scream on television.
You know what? How about you fellas show us how this gizmo works?
- Right? Let's get it going. - Yes. Make it rain. Yes. Work it, work it.
Oh, this is awesome.
「淋雨夥伴」 Oh, this is awesome.
「淋雨夥伴」
Kurt's gonna turn on the shower. You're gonna see the water come out.
「淋雨夥伴」
減半沐浴時間
After a bit, the shampoo's gonna automatically be triggered out of the showerhead...
- No water pressure. - The blue handle.
- No water pressure. - There's a pump on the back.
- I could pump it manually. - Dale's gonna help out. Thank you, buddy.
- Pump. - You got it?
- I got it. - Yeah?
Water comes out, the shampoo mixes with the water...
then shortly after that, conditioner.
You shower in half the time with the Shower Buddy.
The average American... I don't know if you know this.... spends 50 hours a week working.
- Hand's cramping up. - Here, let me help.
...commuting. If we can save you just five minutes...
- The whole rod's too dry, right? - Yeah, spit on it.
- Better? - See, yeah. If you lube it up, it's better.
Oh, no, absolutely.
I'm sorry. There's a hole in the back. I'm gonna stick my finger in it.
We don't really care how you get it done. Just get it done. Get it finished.
- Whatever it takes. - Live TV, right?
Live TV. What are you gonna do?
- Yeah. Here we go. - Oh, here it comes.
Hey!
- I told you. - Works just as promised, okay?
- Now, go ahead and shut it off. - It's so cool. I want one.
You can't have this one. It's the prototype. But we're looking for partners.
I'll tell you right now. I'm sold. I wanna invest.
We got one. All right, Mike.
Now, how would I get in touch with you guys?
- You go straight to Nickkurtdale. - I'm sorry, what?
It's our website. Nickkurtdale. com.
I'm positive I'm not hearing that right.
It's our names: Nick, Kurt, Dale.
Nickkurtdale.
Y'all gotta change that name.
Cannot believe we never said it out loud before.
It looked so good on paper.
It was a nice dream while it lasted, but I think it's time we all go beg for our jobs back.
Maybe just accept the fact that we'll always be cogs in the machine.
Wait. Cocks in the machine. What is that?
"Cogs." Guh.
You know what? You're right. We're not boss material.
We're worker bees. We're grunts.
Oh, boy. That song. I can't hear that now. Just put it on vibrate.
- Will you stop? - Please?
- I picked this song to inspire us. - It's not inspiring me.
Look at this. Unknown caller.
- Just answer it. - Hello?
Yup, this is one of the Shower Buddy guys.
Really? Yes. No, of course. I know exactly who you are.
Look up "Boulder Stream." Boulder Stream.
Thank you. We're very proud of the product.
- E-mail us the details, that'll be fine. - Is that a real thing?
- Yeah, my e-mail? - Not yours.
Yeah, it's phatballllz@hotmail.com.
It's P-H-A-T-B-A-L-L...
L-L-Z...
@hotmail.com.
Yeah. All right. Thank you. Yeah.
- See you tomorrow. - Wow.
Holy shit. Boulder Stream loves the Shower Buddy.
Who the fuck is Boulder Stream?
Only one of the largest catalog retailers in North America.
You're gonna hear me roar
Nice.
When you're in a good mood, it's a good song. Bad mood, bad song.
That's art. That's good art.
博爾德溪流有限公司 That's art. That's good art.
博爾德溪流有限公司
- Man, this place is legit. - Yeah, it's nice.
- Did you see the free cookies? - Yeah, you clearly have. That's four of those.
- You're gonna have chocolate on your face. - When we meet this guy...
when you shake his hand, use your other hand and touch his elbow.
- It's a classy move. - I don't know this move. Let me see.
- Like that. - Please, both sit down.
- That's nice. - How about that? Not bad.
- That's really good. - You got chocolate on your fingers.
Now it's on my jacket.
- Put water on it. - I don't need water. That will set it.
- Get the cookie away from me. - No, it's like a fire-on-fire thing.
No, the water will set it.
Ha! There they are. There are my shower buddies.
How are you? In the flesh.
It's just like on that morning show. You're always fighting. I love it.
- Yeah, it's a... - Rex Hanson.
- Oh, hey. Kurt Buckman. - Good to see you.
- Nice to see you. - Classy handshake.
- Nick Hendricks. - Nick, pleasure.
Hey, Dale Arb...
- Shoot. I just learned it. - We can do it whichever way you want.
- Right? - To be clear, we're not racist.
Well, that's good. We can use that.
Why don't we grab the refreshments, coffee? Grab some cookies.
Let's head upstairs. Let's talk about this product. Is that corduroy?
Step inside. Dreams do come true.
You guys want something to drink?
- I'll take one. - Sure.
- No. It's very early. - No for us. Sorry.
I'm gonna cut right to it, gentlemen. The Shower Buddy: a home run.
Well, Mr. Hanson, we couldn't be happier...
Mr. Hanson is my father. It's "Rex."
Please, sit down. Get comfortable. Take a seat.
We want you to know that we are a company you can be very proud to be in business with.
- Our workers are all gonna have health care... - I don't really give a shit about that.
Do you see this? This is Jimi Hendrix's actual guitar.
Yeah. The one he did the fire and fingers thing with. You like cool shit like this?
- We love cool shit. - I'm into cool shit.
- You like fucking samurais? - Samurais? Sure.
I knew you did. Get into business with me, you're gonna have fucking loads of it.
- So you are offering to carry our product...? - Wait a minute. Check this out.
Miss Lang, will you come in here a moment?
Now what?
Jesus fucking Christ.
Sweetheart, we were racking our brains. What's a beer can made out of?
Do you mean aluminum?
- That'll be all, Miss Lang. Thank you. - Okay.
And where does she go now?
Now, that is the kind of cool shit you have to look forward to.
Best part about this deal: you're not gonna have to lift a finger.
My company will assume all future product development...
outsource manufacturing to China...
and you receive a handsome one-time development fee.
- I wanna dig in on the one-time fee because... - You see this football?
This is the one Peyton Manning threw and the guy caught it in his helmet. Keep it.
You know, Rex, the one-time fee thing, we're not looking to give up control of the company.
Right. We wanna handle all the manufacturing and you guys do distribution.
What, you manufacture? Here, in America?
- That's the plan. - The American-dream thing.
Boys, I hate to break it to you, but the American dream, it's made in China.
Now, look, I respect your naïveté...
but I'm afraid that this deal only happens one way.
I did say "handsome fee," right?
Can I have one minute? Just love to talk to my partners.
You got it. Take your time. I'll be over here.
- Oh, boy. - Man.
- What do you think? - I didn't wanna say anything...
but he means Eli Manning, not Peyton Manning.
- Yeah. Maybe. Maybe. Kurt. - I think she has an amazing fucking body...
but that accent puts her over the top. It's insane. That dress.
Agreed on both points. How about the deal?
- The deal. Gotta take it. - We should take it.
- Take the money and get out. - He's got cool shit.
- Imagine having your own cool shit. - But look at this place.
I mean, these guys make loads of money selling stuff...
and he just called our Shower Buddy a home run.
- Why sell a home run for a one-time fee? - That's a good point.
I don't know. I could use the money for Stacy and the girls.
That's a good point. That's true. I could use money.
I get that. But maybe it's not just about the money.
That's a good point.
Maybe it's about never having to work for anybody ever again.
- That's right. - Right? Being our own bosses.
- I say we bet on ourselves. - Me too.
- You're right. - I'm in.
I'm in. Let's do it.
Okay. Rex. Ahem.
- No deal. - Sorry.
- We're, betting on ourselves. - Is that right?
Yeah. And no hard feelings. Honestly, we really appreciate the offer.
- Sorry. - Yeah. I can respect that.
Takes some serious balls to walk away from 3 million bucks.
Hang on. Three million dollars? We'll take that.
Sorry. Offer's off the table.
We'll take half. Half is fine. Can we have half?
Ship's sailed. Thank you so much for coming in.
Dale, I'm gonna need that ball back. Good luck building something in America.
You know...
I built this company from the bottom up here in America.
- Dad, I didn't know you were back. - What'd I tell you about using my office?
- I know, I just thought, you know... - Bert Hanson.
You're the Shower Buddy guys?
- Yes, sir. - Yeah. We are, sir.
I respect you gentlemen for wanting to roll up your sleeves and build something...
stake your claim.
Now, I came to this country with nothing.
And through risk and hard work, I made my own American dream come true.
- Good for you. - Well, here's what I'm gonna do.
I'll refer you to my contact at Pacific Shore National.
- That's a bank. - They won't balk at giving you a loan...
once they hear that Bert Hanson just has placed an initial order of, say...
100,000 units?
- A hundred-thousand Shower Buddies? - Whoa. Ha!
You're gonna make 100,000 Shower Buddies?
Dad, what are you talking about? We never make this kind of deal.
I'm sorry, sir.
But Boulder Stream needs to be your exclusive retailer.
- Let's think it over. Of course. - We won't pick up the phone if anyone calls.
- We have a deal? - Yeah, you got a fucking deal.
- Hey, all right. There it is. - I got his elbow. Yeah.
- I got some chocolate on you there. - It doesn't matter.
That's great. That is good news.
So it's 20,000 square feet, but it's a minimum five-year lease.
Twenty thousand. That sounds like a lot more than we need.
But we want something we can grow into, right?
- And we have a really big order, Nick. - Damn straight. Come on, Nick.
- Nick. Nick. - I don't know.
- You know, I say we take it. I say we take it. - Yes.
- Yes, we do. - Excellent.
尼克&科特&戴爾有限公司
You've got no work experience at all.
Is that bad?
Are you kidding? It's great.
- You're enthusiastic and you're unjaded. - And unqualified.
- You know what? You're hired. - Oops.
- Really? - That was unexpected and, undeserving.
You're hired.
That's a yes. That's an obvious yes.
- Well, again... - No résumé at all.
Don't need it. Your eyes speak. You seem honest.
Hold on, pal.
- You're hired. - Really?
- I mean, if you'll have us. - Thank you.
- Becoming faster now. - Well...
- Can you start on Saturday evening? - Absolutely.
Okay, great, I'll get ahold of you.
- Says here you've been convicted of a felony. - That was bullshit.
Word up, though, I get that, man. Like, pfft, I had a similar thing.
They tried to peg me as a child sex offender. It was total bullshit.
Oh, yo, yo, yo. I ain't down with no kid-fuckers.
- I'm not down with kid shit either. - Yeah, none of us are.
N-to-the-O, brother.
We do not support that at all.
But, you know, let's just give the guy a job. Just... Yeah. I don't wanna upset this guy.
Well, tell you what, Tiffany. You're hired.
- I'm hired? - Yeah, you are.
- There you go. There you go. - Oh, thank you.
We'll see you later. See you Monday. Get out of here.
Kurt, you gotta stop hiring hot unqualified women.
What's the point of being boss if you can't stock the pond?
You realize you can't sleep with these women?
- What? - You're the boss. It's sexual harassment.
Remember sexual harassment? I tried to kill my boss. Ring a bell?
I gotta fire them all now? We just hired them.
You can't fire them because you're not allowed to sleep with them.
Also sexual harassment.
Why are we even doing this, then?
All right, let's talk dress code.
- Forget it. - There is no dress code.
- Come on. - You can dress however you want.
Whatever makes you feel comfortable... Well, there goes a shirt. All right.
- It's a choice. - Well...
That's the wrong choice, though. Gotta wear a shirt. That's the one...
He's walking away from me. He might have been a bad hire.
Who's having fun?
Hey, guys.
Everybody seems very happy. This was a great idea.
Yeah, I know. This could be an issue, though.
It is Bring Your Kids to Work Day, not Put Your Kids to Work Day.
They're not working. They consider this playing.
I tried to tell them to stop, and they started crying.
- They have boxed 1200 units already. - Unethical... 1200?
- Yeah. - Well, that's productive, though.
- Yeah. - And they seem happy.
- Let them play another ten minutes, maybe. - I say we let them play through lunch.
- Yeah. Legally I think I'll change the sign. - Yeah.
Oh, boy. This is it.
Here we go. Here we go.
- We did it. We're at 100,000. - We did it?
- Yeah. - Let me see.
Woo-hoo-hoo!
- This is a great idea. - How do you think they mow this?
- Sure we shouldn't have called ahead? - No. He's gonna love it.
Cake and balloons. Don't think that's overdoing it?
No. I think he's gonna be psyched the order's done three days early.
I think he's gonna be flipping out to see us out on his course.
I wouldn't be surprised if he gives us a membership.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
Oh, my God. I want that.
Yeah!
Surprise. Ha, ha.
Sir, we finished your order and it is ready to be shipped.
Excellent news.
We got you a little cake that says, "Thanks for believing in us!"
- And some balloons of course. - We're the "us."
Congratulations, boys. What an accomplishment.
- Thank you. - Thanks.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to cancel that order.
What'd he say?
- Sounded like he said "cancel the order." - What?
- Cancel what? - Cancel the order.
Don't need it.
- Wait, no. That doesn't work. - You can't do that.
- We went 500 grand in the hole. - We were in business.
- If you don't buy, we are ruined. - It's a $500,000 order.
- The American dream and all that. - He's gonna putt. He's just gonna putt.
- He makes the putt. - Can you explain what's happening?
- And why you're doing this? - Yeah, sure. Fair question.
You see, boys, in one week your bridge loan comes due...
and you won't be able to pay it.
And your loan officer has assured me no extension will be granted.
At that moment, your company will go into foreclosure...
and I will buy all of those units at auction for pennies on the dollar.
Cheaper than I could have gotten them from the Chinese.
- Oh, my fucking God. - I can't believe this.
Anyway, as an added bonus, I will also own your patent...
and these gentlemen here will take over manufacturing of our new product:
The Shower Pal.
- It's a better name too. - It is.
- Goddamn it. - Fucking hell.
Oh, Dad, that is a hell of a fucking play.
We should fit these guys for crowns because they just got fucked royally.
Rex. No call for this MTV showboating. They're aware of their defeat.
In these moments, it's more impactful to be still.
What about that stuff about hard work and starting a company in America?
- The American dream and hard work. - All bullshit?
You honestly think hard work creates wealth?
The only thing that creates wealth is wealth.
And we have it. You don't.
Okay. Okay. You know what?
- Take it easy. Take it easy. - I got it. Hey.
Listen, bucko. You don't wanna make enemies out of us, okay?
Whoa, easy. I didn't walk all up on you.
I make new enemies every day. It's called business.
Thank you, gentlemen, for stopping by. Have a lovely day.
Rex, get the cake.
Rich motherfucking, overprivileged, fucking assholes.
What happened to decency?
- I'm gonna lose my house. - Yeah.
Stacy's gonna divorce me. She's gonna marry some dude.
- I'll have supervised visits at McDonald's. - Fucking McDonald's.
What were we thinking? Who bets on themselves? Why did we do that?
- What? - You're the one who talked me into it.
I was on the fence.
We're fucked! Our employees are fucked. What about them? What about Lupe?
This is just a problem. That means all we gotta do is come up with a solution.
We'll put some ideas up on the board.
That's what I'm talking about. Here we go. Let's go.
- No idea's a bad idea. - No idea's a bad idea.
- Who's gonna start us off? - I got it.
- Kurt. - Kill these motherfuckers.
- No, no. - Murder! Yes.
- You don't need to write that down. - Kill them.
- Let's fucking kill them! I want them dead! - Kill them.
- We open up their brains and shove them... - Then we fuck the skulls!
- I'm getting that taste, Nick. - They're fucking dead!
- We're fucking doing it again! - That's the Chicago way!
- Chicago way! - Cut them open. I want his family dead.
I want his house burned down, and I'll get a baseball bat.
- Come on, man, come on. - Fuck their skulls!
- Come on. - Come on.
We'll fucking kill them.
If we've learned one thing about ourselves, it's that we're not murderers.
- How does killing them get us our money? - What do you mean?
You harvest their organs, sell them on the black market.
Be fucking serious. Come on. This is not helpful. Think seriously.
You're right. There's other things people have done.
- There's plots. - For money.
- The plot of the movie Speed. - Yes, there you go. Put a bomb on a bus.
So we'll rig a bus so that when it goes below 50 miles an hour, it blows up.
- What the fuck is that? - You said no idea was a bad idea.
I was wrong. That idea sucks, the movie sucks and so do you.
That movie introduced us to Sandy Bullock.
Fuck you! I love Sandra Bullock! I'm running hot.
I'm sorry. I'm running hot. The whole fucking thing's got me upset.
Give me the marker, I'll get a better idea.
Want the marker? Give me $500,000, that's what we need.
- Gonna hold the marker ransom? - Call it what you want.
I need a half a million dollars. I don't need shit ideas and a bunch of hot air.
Come on.
Dale.
- Boom. Marker drop. - "Kidnaping."
- That's "kidnapping." - With one more P it is. That's "kidnaping."
However the fuck you spell it. You know what I'm talking about. Kidnapping. Come on.
Wait a second. That's a fucking great idea. Think about it. First of all, we kidnap Rex.
- We get money from Bert. - Ransom money.
We save the business.
No one has to die.
- Nobody gets hurt. - He is the kid of Bert.
Right, but he's not super young.
- So it's not super douchey and shit. - It's not all molesty and shit.
What do you know about executing a kidnapping?
- What do you mean? You just... - You get zip ties.
You don't know shit about kidnapping.
Okay, we don't know a ton. But I bet we know someone that does.
- Who? - Motherfucker Jones.
- Oh, Jesus. - Wouldn't it be good to see him?
We're not gonna go see Motherfucker Jones because we're not gonna "kidnape" anyone.
Come on, this guy's a master business prick.
He's at the top of his game. We need to figure out...
Boy, look what we got.
Is that a Sharpie?
- Hang on. What was a Sharpie doing there? - You put it there.
I did put it on there.
- You're in charge of marker distribution. - I know I'm the marker guy.
Permanently on the board now.
This illustrates my point, idiots. We need to find somebody who's legitimate.
We need to find someone who can get us our company back.
Hello, Nick...
guy who saved my life...
guy who fucked my wife.
It was a blow job. It was a blowjob, only. Didn't fuck her.
You got my e-mail?
I did. And I was very amused by it.
I know Bert Hanson. I like the cut of his jib.
And I admire the way he bent you three idiots over a barrel and showed you the 50 states.
- See? Told you it was a saying. - Wow.
Now, Nick, just tell me something.
Why would you start production...
without at least a guarantee of 35 percent down...
to cover manufacturing costs?
I mean, why would you do that?
- Is he telling a joke? - Is something funny?
We assumed that we were dealing with somebody who was ethical...
No, that's the wrong answer. The right answer is because...
you're all fucking morons.
Boy, he shined a light on that, didn't he? That's true. You're absolutely right.
You thought I was such a bad boss.
But, I don't know, I think running your own company into the ground...
ruining the livelihood of your employees is maybe a bit worse. What do you think?
- That's fair. - Should I be on the phone if I'm taking notes?
- I'm not getting any of what he's saying. - It's just a lot of rhetorical questions.
So, what do you want from me, Nick?
With all due respect, you know what makes a guy like that tick.
So if you could give us some advice on how to get our money back...
I will play real nice at your next parole hearing. How does that sound?
- You would do that for me? - Yes, I would.
Okay. I think I can help you.
He's gonna help? Okay, I got a notepad. I got a notepad.
From a legal standpoint...
"Legal standpoint."
...your options are...
- "Options are..." - Legal options.
...jack fucking shit.
I heard "Jack Leibowitz." Is that an attorney?
- I'll write that down. - Can we get his contact info?
Even if you had the money to fight him in the courts...
his lawyers are just gonna file motions and continuances...
long after you three pissant little fuckups...
have blown your tiny little brains out.
You saying nothing can be done?
No, I said there's nothing you can do.
There's plenty that could be done, but you won't do it.
- And do you wanna know why? - No, not really.
- Because you have no balls. - I see.
And your fathers had no balls.
You are all a product of generations of ball-less men...
who were too weak or too frightened to stand up and take what was theirs.
And one day, you will pass on...
your empty, shriveled sacs to your own pitiful offspring.
- I can't hear. What is he talking about? - Our nut sacs, mostly.
How'd that come up?
- Why don't you pitch him the kidnapping? - Let the kidnapping go.
- Pitch him the kidnapping. - Show some balls, all right?
Wanna see balls? Kidnap someone.
You'll end up in here. You'll see plenty of balls on your forehead.
Why are they on my forehead?
- Was the dick on top of my head? - Makes no sense.
- Oh, I'm upside down. - You sure are. Your face is getting fucked.
無蛋(無膽)
Motherfucker.
So y'all plan to use the ransom to save your business.
- Exactly, yeah. That's it. - That's what we're hoping.
Will you tell these idiots how stupid that is, please?
I like it.
- Nice. See? - I knew he'd like it.
You're doing what you need to to keep your business going.
I had a dream for a long time to get my own business.
Yeah.
I wanted to open my own Pinkberry.
- What the fuck is the chuckles about? - Oh, I thought you were joking.
See how many crackers line up to get that Captain Crunch-covered freezing shit?
- I eat it three times a week. I love Pinkberry. - Hey, that's awesome.
- You like Pinkberry? - I'm lactose intolerant.
- Right. - You got an African-American belly?
- Because black people suffer from lactose. - Oh, okay, good, well...
- We got some kind of kinship. - Yeah, cool, man.
- Stool soft? - It can be.
- Bottom tender. - Yeah, bottom's fine.
If somebody took my Pinkberry, I wouldn't take that sitting down.
- You would fight. - I will cut a motherfucker in half.
You wouldn't kidnap someone because you can't successfully pull it off.
Name me a kidnapping movie...
where the kidnappers weren't dead or incarcerated at the end.
- 9 to 5, asshole. - 9 to 5.
- Name me two movies, then. - You said name one.
- I nailed one right on you. - 9 to 5 was this movie...
I know what the fuck 9 to 5 is. It's about the white bitch with the big titties.
- Yeah. - She got old, the titties stayed young.
I'm not gonna kidnap someone based on 9 to 5.
- That's because you Jane Fonda. - You're the scaredy-cat one.
You're always the last to man up. You're dragging your feet.
Why are you here if you're not gonna participate?
First of all, if anyone, I'm the smart one. I'm Lily Tomlin.
- But I won't have this conversation. - Please, I'm Lily Tomlin, if anybody is.
Sitting in the big chair, giving David O. Russell shit.
- Yeah, he's got the 'tude. You're Fonda, man. - You're Jane Fonda.
- That makes you Dolly Parton. - Great. Woman's got her own theme park.
- She's a national treasure. - Two national treasures.
Can I pose a question to you colonizers?
Happened a long time ago.
How do you kidnap somebody without them knowing...
they've been kidnapped?
- Okay. - You smarten up, and you don't even do it.
- He's a black sphinx. I like it. - He threw a riddle our way.
- How do you...? - Voodoo. Voodoo?
I can give you the answers.
- Fifty thousand. - No.
- We can't. - Six hundred?
You should not run a Pinkberry. Sorry.
- The weirdest negotiating style. - We don't have money.
You know, we're here because we have zero dollars. We're broke.
Fuck it. Give me the watch.
- Nope. - Give him your watch.
- I'm not giving him this. This is a Tag Heuer. - This is a wrist without a watch.
Come on. It's just material things. Can't take it with you.
You can borrow it while you tell us a shitty plan.
All right.
Slip him a mickey.
Give me the watch back.
You sneak into his crib at night.
Find out whatever his beverage of choice is before he goes to bed.
You slip the mickey in the beverage. Knock him out nice and easy.
And you keep that bitch sedated until Daddy pays up.
It's not a crazy idea, but it's not worth a Swiss watch.
- That could work. - That's great. That makes total sense.
- He doesn't see our faces. - We're ghosts. We don't even exist.
- When you say "mickey... "? - A date-rape drug. Where do you get those?
- Where do I get them? - Yeah.
Because of the hue of my skin I know where to get date-rape drugs?
- You brought up the date-raping. - You got N word in your eyes.
- Why are your eyes saying the N word? - Klan eyes.
- You've got Klan eyes. - You ever take a eye test?
- Yes. - All you pick out is the K.
- I see every letter. - He does have Klan eyes.
You can see them poking out behind that sheet.
- It's just ridic... I can't... It's so upsetting. - Let me ask you a question.
When you got raped by Julia, what did she use to knock you out? Laughing gas?
- Oh, right. - That'll work.
- That's interesting. - You have keys to the office?
- No, but I know the code. - Yes.
Okay. You did it again.
- For the record, I am not racist. - You're the best. Thank you very much.
- Let's go. See you. - Good to see you.
Surprisingly helpful. Any way I can get the watch back?
Fuck out of here, Jane Fonda.
海寧斯牙科診所
That's a tough one. And you can't fuck all three, right?
- You cannot. - Not the game. Okay.
Well, then I would marry Peter, kill Bobby, and fuck Greg.
- That's what I'd do too. - Yeah?
- I think that's the only way to play it. - It makes sense.
- How'd you do? - I did great.
I got extra supplies. I think we gotta be more careful this time.
- Absolutely. So smart. - I got a magazine to cut up the ransom note.
- Can't be writing it by hand. - Smart.
Bride Again Magazine?
To throw the cops off if they start snooping to figure out where the letters came from.
- Dora the Explorer walkie-talkies? - Awesome.
- It's not a spy store. It's a convenience store. - Didn't wanna just use our phones?
Let's use our phones. They make a record of everything that we say and do.
- Do you watch the news? - My apologies.
Hey, Obama. I'm breaking into my old office.
It's just the three of us doing this, not us and the NSA.
I'm trying to help us out.
- Did you get scissors? - I got some scissors.
- I don't see any latex gloves in here. - They're, like, super expensive.
- How much? - Nine bucks a pair.
- That's ridiculous. - Right?
- It's the only thing you went in there to buy. - She's got a ton of gloves in her office.
We'll just use those.
You need them to get inside, so we don't leave fingerprints.
That's right. You dummy. Don't you know that?
Know what we can do? We can use my golf gloves in my bag.
He's got gloves in his golf bag.
Don't poke holes in everything. I'm trying to help out.
Guys, the team's back together.
I call lookout.
And I will let you know if I see Swiper.
Nice. Let's go.
How we doing in there, guys?
I got it. I got it. I got it.
All good. How are things out there, Nick?
Things are good. Hey, can you not say my name over the radio, please?
- Why not? - Could be somebody on the frequency.
Oh, yeah. It's a good point. Very smart.
There you go. That's using the old Hendricks brain.
And there's the last name.
- We should come up with code names. - Absolutely.
- Nick, where you landing on code names? - I'd love it if you'd stop saying my name.
- Just get the gas and get out here. - Roger that.
The Blade has acquired the target.
- Was that "The Blade"? - That's my code name, Nick.
We don't need code names. Everybody knows who's talking.
They're sounding pretty cool, so let's try to land on a couple.
I'm gonna think up one real quick and lay it on you.
I'm coming in at you with The Majestic Lion. I'm gonna be The Majestic Lion.
Now we're talking.
Not gonna call you that.
That's a bummer there. I'm gonna need a reason as to why.
Because you're not a jungle cat, and it's stupid as shit.
- Fair point. - Good catch.
We should come up with one for him.
- How about St. Nick? - You've said my name four fucking times.
If you could come back out to the car, we can go home.
You know what? What if I drop the "Lion"?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Somebody's here. Somebody's here. - Just The Majestic?
I love that. I like that.
Shut up about the code names. A bunch of people just pulled up into the parking lot.
Hello. Get your thumb off the butt...
Oh, my God.
Real hot chick just pulled into Julia's parking spot.
I think Julia's headed into the building.
If you'd get your thumb off the fucking button and...
Fuck. Fucking idiots.
Well, you know what? It's not my fault. It's not my goddamn fault.
I haven't done a thing illegal. I can just drive out of here.
I can just drive right home.
No, I can't do that. I can't do that.
They'll just fucking tell on me.
All right, we're on our way to you. Chickens have left the pot. My God, my God.
- The coop, I think. - What?
The "my God, my God" does sounds like a thing.
Oh, shit.
Why don't you set the food up over there? And we'll circle these chairs around.
Dale?
Kurt.
God, grant us...
Oh, shit. It's a cult. It's a fucking cult.
...about our sex addiction that we cannot change...
- Sex addiction. - It's a sex addiction. Yeah.
Neat.
So proud of you, every one of you, for being here today.
Shit.
How's it going?
Hi. It's going...
You know.
I'm in trouble.
- Save it. - Okay.
...something that happened to them this week.
Found this gentleman loitering out in your hall.
Oh, shit. Nick got busted.
Says he knows he's in trouble.
- Yeah. - We're all in trouble.
You don't have to be afraid. You're safe here.
Okay.
Sorry I'm late. What's up, brother?
Toby, why don't you grab a chair and bring it in so this young man can join us?
Yeah...
- Boy... - What's your name, honey?
I am...
I am Blanston.
- Hi, Blanston. - Hi.
For a guy not into code names...
- Big swing. - Bold choice.
- And I love it. - Yeah.
- It's nice to have fresh blood in the group. - Appreciate it.
- Fresh, cute blood. - Hey.
Easy, Julia. Blanston, would you like to share with us what's led you into recovery?
Well, okay. I do have a very big problem.
Just been hitting it hard. I've been hitting it hard.
He thinks he's in an AA meeting.
Getting together with the guys.
Oftentimes, ending up just face down.
Chugging one after the other. Sometimes double-fisted, just:
You know? You know what I'm talking about.
So your sexual addiction, it's homosexual in nature?
My sex addiction? My sex addiction is...
And then what did you say?
- You like to fuck guys. - No. My sex addiction is to ladies.
- Oh. - You know. I'm addicted to women.
Boring.
- Oh, fuck, I have to piss. - What?
I have to piss. I'm nervous. I'm sorry.
- Go, go, just pee. - It's gonna make too much noise.
No, no, just dip your dick into the toilet.
- Oh, sit down and do it? Okay. - Yeah, yeah.
- It doesn't reach. - What?
It doesn't reach. Should it reach?
I mean, I don't know if it's about "should," but...
- I'll put the seat up. - Yeah, put the seat up...
- ...and just dip your butt in the bowl. - Oh, my God.
There we go.
- Oh, shit, sorry. - It's okay.
- Sorry, I always flush. - It's all right.
Okay, I'm just gonna wash my hands.
No. Why are you gonna wash your hands?
- Why? - I always wash my hands.
- You have gloves on. - Stuff gets under there.
- Fine, just be quiet. Okay, okay. - Let me just wash them. I'll feel better.
Oh, my God, Dale, stop.
There's literally no element of sneak in anything you're doing.
- It's gross not to. - I gotta go now too.
- You gotta go? - Yeah.
Do you golf with the other hand...?
- Don't whistle. - I have to. The only way to get this train going.
- Listen... - Why did you flush?
- It just happens. - Why?
- It's a good habit. - Shit.
- What is...? - Shit. She's coming. Hide.
But there was once, though. There was once...
Oh, boy. If this is safe in here, I'd love to shake this out and share it.
Something must've happened. Don't fall on me.
Don't worry. I took a parkour class at the community center.
Oh, he got her to go back.
- I was a boy. - How old were you?
- I don't know. Young. - Fourteen?
I think we were. Two 14-year-old boys at camp...
and not knowing what we're doing...
and just wrestling.
Ooh. Wrestling camp. Fourteen.
Nice.
- Is he telling the truth? - I... I don't know. But, I mean, if he is...
- Good for him, right? - Absolutely. That's great.
- Did you guys wear those tight little onesies? - Singlets?
- Is that what they're called? - That's right. Singlets.
Tight little spandex offering a clear little outline of, say, a circumcised helmet?
- Oh, boy. - Am I getting warm?
Okay, maybe someone else should share.
- No, no, no. Let's go to the unit. - Sorry?
What was the unit like on this little b...? Was it veiny? Smooth?
Little turtleneck? Anteater?
I just... I don't know. Pretty normal.
- Starter penis? - Not the words I would've used, but...
It's good to have a gay friend in your group too, you know?
- It makes us more colorful. - Yeah.
Now, did this penis ever, at any point, find its way into your mouth?
- Jesus. - Julia, no.
- You're not gonna pull this stunt again. - What stunt?
Stopping a meeting early so she can try to flip another gay.
- Really? - She always wants what she can't have.
Listen, relax, okay? He's not even gay.
He had one cock at 14 and it hasn't made its way to his mouth yet.
- Well, if you'd let me finish... - So you did eat that cock.
- You're asking if I sucked it? - I know you sucked it.
I just wanna hear you say it.
- Blanston, you don't have to say it. - Shut your mouth.
- Shut up and let him share. You ate it? - Please say yes.
You wanna know if I ate that dick?
Did you suck that cock like a Bomb Pop down to the blue?
- You want the answer? - Give it to me.
I ate that dick, balls, and licked that kid's sweaty asshole.
Damn right you did because you are awesomely gay.
I'm super gay. Never been straight. Know what else I've never been?
- Inside a woman. - Meeting adjourned.
- Everybody out. - Son of a bitch.
Come on. Hurry it up. Hurry it up. Come on.
- See you later. Bye-bye. That's it. - Okay, Julia, you are letting the addiction win.
Oh, fuck you, Roz. No one likes you anyway.
Okay.
- Let's get you prepped for a fill-n-drill. - Let's do it.
- Ever done it in a dentist's chair? - I always wanted to nail my dentist.
- He's a man. - I'll make you forget all about him.
Why don't you go get the chair ready? I'm gonna visit the men's room real quick.
Oh, you can do that on me.
Oh. Well, it's a...
And...?
Well, first time on the slopes, so I'm gonna stay off the black diamond.
Either way.
- You guys are so noisy. Let's go. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Congrats. I'm so proud of you for coming out.
- I'm not gay. I'll be right out, okay? - Come on.
I think it'll be a little suspicious if I disappear. Gonna complete the diversion.
- We gotta go. - Thought you were gay.
I'm not gay. Go on, go on. I'll be right out.
Oh. I get it. You're bi.
I'm not bi.
Not bi?
- Do you have, an S? I need an S. - S, yes.
- How's that? - Do you have a scarier S than that?
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, here. This is from an article about bridezillas.
Yeah, that'll do it. Okay, can I read you what I got right now?
- Yeah. Yeah, sure. - Okay.
"Give us the $500,000..
...or the little boy dies.
You have 24 hours."
I wish you were there to read it. Sounds scary in that voice.
That's why I wanted scary letters.
Hopefully he's hearing a voice like that when he reads.
- But why "little boy"? Makes him sound 6. - Don't wanna be like, "Or the grown man dies."
- You're right. No, absolutely. - It's not even...
- All right, glue stick, and I'm gonna lock this in. - Oh, great, yeah.
- First draft, final draft, right? - How about that? Nice job.
God, I tell you what.
I hope this doesn't sound cocky. I think we're really good at this.
We're extremely good at it.
I didn't wanna say anything, but way better than murder.
- A lot better than murder. - We found our groove.
- This is fun. - It is kind of fun.
- Nobody gets hurt. - I always wanted to make a ransom note.
All here. Let's go.
Son of a bitch. I knew I should've been gluing them as I went along.
Oy, oy, oy.
Hey. Hey. Talk to me. How was it?
It was like something I've just never encountered.
What, a woman?
I mean, she's so free. She's so eloquent with her body.
I mean, all of that sexual energy...
it flows from this place of deep tenderness, you know?
- It's called her vagina, Nick. - Please don't talk like that. Come on, let's go.
Listen. He's being so protective.
You're talking like you fell in love with her. What, are you in love with her, Nick?
No, Dale.
- That was a real long pause right there. - That was a moment of silence.
I'm not in love with her. That's ridiculous.
She gave me a very rich and positive experience.
Oh, yeah? Better than wrestling camp?
Oh, boy. Nice house.
Well, he's doing well.
Good for him.
- All right, let's discuss our options. - Breathe, and go.
Hey, whoa. Guys, you can't just park right in front of the guy's house.
You wanna carry an unconscious dude down the street?
He's gonna be way too heavy. Let's move.
That's a good point. Good point.
Wait, whoa. You can't just walk up to the guy's front door.
- Will you calm down? We have a plan. - We have a plan. Just relax.
Oh, do you? That's great. That makes me feel a lot better.
- Okay, you ready? - Yeah, I'm ready.
Watch this. Go.
- Fuck. - Fuck.
- It's a bust. - It's locked.
- The plan did not account for a locked door? - Fifty-fifty chance it's gonna be open.
- How do you figure that? - Either locked or unlocked.
- Fifty-fifty, yeah. - It's basic math. What's up with you tonight?
- Give me your credit card. - Good.
- Plan B's got a credit card in it? - Come on.
- Your plan sucks. - Your math sucks.
That's what's going on.
- Wait. What if he's in there? - Oh, yeah.
- How do we make sure? - Why don't you ring the doorbell?
- I love it. Smart. - Don't. Kurt.
Oh, shit. Are you kidding?
- It's dark. Don't think anybody's here. - Don't hit it again.
- You hear that? - I know that song.
- What is that? - It's a song, right? Is it:
No matter what you do
No, no.
I will always be with you
- Who sings that? - Badfinger.
Doesn't matter what you do, girl
Quiet.
Ooh, girl, with you
You nailed it.
Knock down the old gray wall
Shut the fuck up.
- Hey, you're yelling. - You're yelling.
Do me a favor. Hurry up.
Fail to open up the front door so we can get the fuck out of here.
Fuck.
- What's "fuck"? What happened? - We got a problem.
- Yeah, see? Right there? - Goddamn it.
- There it is. Staring back at us. - Okay, what now?
I guess we follow your idea and we get out of here.
- Yeah, we gotta go. - No. Hey. My credit card's in there.
- Call them and cancel. - They'll send you a new one overnight.
When they find the card, they'll know we were here. It's pretty simple.
- Oh, shit. - They're gonna know you were here.
Go, go. Car. Car.
- What do you got going there? - Finger-flage.
Is that his wife?
No, that's a '93 Civic and she's carrying dry cleaning.
I'm gonna go with a maid.
He married his maid?
Mr. Rex, are you home?
It me, Kim Song.
I pick up your dry cleaning.
- Okay, I got it. - Wow.
He's got good taste.
It's bent, goddamn it.
- Nice, clean lines, little pops of color. - Let's go.
- Go? - What?
We just got inside. Let's stay.
- So did she. Let's get the fuck out of here. - Are you quitting on the plan?
- Back in. Back in. He's here. - Why? Who's here?
- Mr. Rex. - Oh, shit.
Kim? You here?
Kim, you grab my shirts?
- Yes, Mr. Rex. I go hang up now. - Great.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Kim. Kimbo.
Take a look at this. Tell me what you see.
Are you gonna leave this mess in the bottom of my sink?
The water?
Yes, the little water droplets all over the bottom of my sink.
I don't know what thatched hut you grew up in, but this is disgusting.
But it just water.
Okay. Okay.
Then you just fire.
You lose your job. Too bad for you.
Bye-bye.
Look at you. I got you again.
Look at that little chubby face.
You think I was gonna fire you on your fucking birthday?
Are you out of your mind, Mrs. Miyagi? Get over here.
Come here, you. Happy birthday.
I got you something.
That's a good one.
That's top of the line. That's like the Cadillac of plungers.
That's just for here, though, okay?
- No taking it home. - No.
Yeah, what's up, man?
Yeah, no, I'm not busy at all. I'm just making my maid's day. It's her birthday.
Hey, Kim, seriously, though. Can we keep a dry sink from here on in?
Yes, Mr. Rex.
What's up?
No, fuck that, man.
Kim.
Dude, I'm trying. My dad is being a total dick about the money.
What's she doing?
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - What is she doing?
- Kurt. Kurt. Kurt. - What? What? What?
Oh, shit. That's my thing. She's doing my thing.
- I can't believe she's fucking doing that. - She's not going in deep enough.
- Do you think she's just cleaning? - What a rookie.
Okay, there she goes. Okay. All right.
Kimchi.
- There he is. - Okay.
- Oh, no. He's gonna brush his teeth. - He is.
- He's gonna do it. - Here he goes.
- Do it. - Do it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, get them nice and clean, you son of a bitch.
So satisfying.
Wait, guys. Okay. Now what, though? What are we doing? What do we do now?
We wait for him to go to bed. Dale starts the gas. I've got the ransom note.
- Not now. - He said, "Dale, start the gas."
I said, "Dale starts the gas."
Later, you idiot. Turn that off. We can't have the gas in here.
Okay. I'll put this on the...
- Turn it off. - I'm trying to. It's broken or something.
Are you kidding me? Turn it the other way.
We dropped it like a million times. I think we broke it. No, see?
- It's not doing anything. - Let's get out.
What? He's right outside.
Shit. He's right there. Then get the can out of here.
Don't start laughing. What is funny about this?
Look at your face. Look at his face.
- Oh, no. - Dude, your face...
The gas. Is this the gas?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Hey. Listen. Keep it together.
Yes, it's the gas.
- It's pretty good. - You keep it together.
I was trying to hit him.
- Guys. - No, no, no.
Okay. I'm good. I'm good. Let's...
Shit. Kurt. Kurt, your phone.
Your phone. Answer your phone.
- I got it. I got it. I got it. - Where are we?
- Shut it off. - Why is your wife calling me?
Oh, shit. Oh, shit. She's probably freaking out. I didn't come home last night.
Quiet.
Dude, get your fucking head out of my crotch.
Will you look at this fucking view during the daytime? You kidding me?
- He seems gone. - Unbelievable.
- Bed's made. - I can't believe this.
We should maybe just check.
- Hey! Rex! - Hey.
Rex! Rex!
Dale.
Did you have a plan if he responded?
- I didn't think that far ahead. - You get even dumber in the mornings.
- Why are you worried? - Let's go.
- You know, fifty-fifty chance he was here. - Yeah.
You know, Stacy's just gonna completely flip out when I get home.
- What kind of dad doesn't come home? - Shut that down.
If the worst thing that happens from this clusterfuck is your domestic problems...
we can consider ourselves lucky. We just dodged a huge bullet back there.
We almost made the worst decision of our lives.
That's true. Know why? If he opens that closet and sees us, we're in prison right now.
That's right. So we're very, very lucky. What the fuck is the matter with us?
I tell you what. If a couple tiny things went our way, we could've pulled that off.
We're not criminals. We suck at crime. We're nice, normal guys.
- I like baseball. I wear pants. - Yup.
- Back to being cogs in the machine. - Cogs. Cogs, dude.
Cogs are good.
It's a relief, you know?
It's like a weight lifted off your... What is it, shoulders?
- It's a fresh start where everything's... - I'll call you guys later.
- Please don't kill me. - Fuck!
- Oh, fuck. - What the fuck is that?
What the fuck is that? What did we do? We kidnap him while we're high on nitrous?
Then went back into the closet and went to sleep?
- Why would we do that? - What?
Is he crying?
Oh, my God. The best.
That was so good.
Help me out.
The look on your... Look at this.
I really couldn't... Your fucking face.
- Oh, my God. - Hey, man. Yeah. Whoo-whee.
You had us.
Oh! Oh!
- What's happening? - I don't know.
- What's happening? - Oh, boy.
Oh, my God, you guys. Thank you.
I have not laughed like that in a long time.
Oh, my God. Goddamn, that was great. Food for the soul.
Good, well, we were just trying to be funny.
- You know, no harm, no foul, right? - Yeah, yeah.
Guys, I completely underestimated you.
You fuckers have some low-hanging balls. I mean it. I'm impressed.
I mean, I wake up, I find you three in my closet...
along with a ransom note, a big old bottle of nitrous.
I'm like, "Holy shit. These fuckers were gonna gas me."
I'm about to call the cops when I think, "Hold up a sec.
These guys may be onto something."
I wanna partner up on this thing.
- What thing? What are you talking about? - I'm not sure what you mean.
- This thing. My kidnapping. - Oh.
Truth be told, Pop and I...
we've hit a rough patch. He's refusing to cover some of my expenses.
Long story. Anyway, your timing could not have been better. Is this a fucking marlin?
Rex, this is, cool and all, but we decided, like, we're out.
- We're not doing crime. - Not our thing.
Yeah, no, he's right. No, the kidnapping is off, actually.
- No, no, no, it's on. - No, it's off.
No, it's totally on. I sent the ransom note to my dad.
- You what? - You did what?
It's brilliant. Who came up with that thing about me being a little boy?
- Beautiful. - Thanks.
I was a little insulted you only asked for $500,000 for me. Is that all I'm worth?
No sweat. I tacked on another zero.
- Five-hundred million? - Wow, that's a ton.
- Five million, guys. - Five million.
- Five. Right.
Yeah, 5 million. One million dollars for you guys, and 4 for me.
Why don't we make that ransom call?
Yeah, Rex, let's not.
We appreciate the offer, and thank you for not calling the cops, but we're gonna pass.
- No. - Yeah.
Guys. Guys, how's this anything but great news?
All I'm asking you to do is finish your own plan but for double the money.
Plus, it got a thousand times easier because now I'm your inside man.
I can make sure Dad pays up.
And then when you, "set me free"...
I tell the cops it was three other morons that went that way.
Oh. Wow. That's not the worst idea I've ever heard.
- It's better than our original idea. - A lot better.
Give us one second.
Fucking what?
- We can't trust this guy. - You can trust me.
No, you're right. They burned us once already. We're not gonna get burned again.
- Nice try. - Thanks but no thanks.
- That's a Nick-Kurt-Dale no from us. - Nick, Kurt and Dale.
- So, thank you, but adios. - Yeah.
- Okay. - You need a ride?
No. I think I'll hang out here.
You know, escape from your clutches...
and call the police.
Go ahead. Call them. We never kidnapped you.
- Yeah, you did. - We didn't.
- Yeah, you abducted me. - We did not.
Yeah, you brought me back here.
- There was a struggle. - Oh, shit. Come on, man.
Things got broken.
What the...?
And then, you assaulted me.
- Oh, shit. - What?
This guy's fucking nuts.
Hey, Rex? It's off, pal.
Oh, and then you beat me. Mercilessly.
Holy shit. He's Fight Clubbing himself. We got a Fight Clubber.
And then I found my way up here and I found this phone.
- I picked up the receiver... - Oh, no.
...and I dialed 9...
- Don't, don't, don't. - Come on. Joke's over.
- ...1... - Don't you hit the second 1.
- Don't do it. - Don't hit it.
I don't know where I'm going. I don't know where you find pay phones.
- There's some pay phones at the park here. - Okay.
Boys, we are doing this. The adventure begins. Who's fired up?
Such a negative energy. This is killing me. Guys, come on.
- Can you scoot over just a smidge? - No, I sit in the middle.
- That's his seat. - It's a whole thing, Rex.
- I know. Just you're crowding me. - I'm crowding this guy now?
He's forcing us to kidnap him, and I'm crowding him?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy. Simmer down. Kidnapping was your idea, remember?
- But then we had the idea to not do it. - Yeah, exactly.
- I sit in the middle! - Hey, hey.
- Dale, just do what he says. - For chrissake.
Oh, God. That is nice.
This is way better.
This is bullshit, by the way.
Excuse me, Dr. Harris. Was someone in the office last night?
My sex-addiction group met here at 8.
Oh. Yes. But, doctor, the keypad logged an earlier entrance.
Really?
Let's check our fancy new camera system.
That's a gay guy. It's so weird. He didn't bone me like a gay guy.
He only cried, like, a little bit.
And he was oddly squeamish about his own asshole, which is weird.
- It's so weird. - Yeah, that's what I thought.
Is that Dale?
What's he doing with Kurt and Blanston?
- Should we call the police? - No.
No.
I'll take care of them.
Enjoy.
It's good stuff. Learn something.
All right, it's ringing.
Remember, you guys hold all the cards. Game faces. You are going to crush this.
Hold on. He knows what we sound like. We gotta use an accent.
- No accents. That's ridiculous. - That's a great idea, Kurty.
Boulder Stream.
- Who is this? The secretary? - Accent. Yeah.
Hey, homey. Let me speak to Mr. Bert Hanson.
No, I don't mind holding. I just barely even called you right now already.
- That's incredibly racist. - Super racist.
Just do a Southern accent.
Southern? Southern I got. Southern. No problem.
Hanson.
Well, howdy there, partner.
This here's the gents what got your young'un and all.
And, well, we got some talking to do and...
- Southern, not old prospector. - I thought that was pretty good.
Listen, you lowlife bottom-feeder, I don't have time for this little fuck-around.
Either this ends right now, or it ends with bullets in your skulls.
Now, you hush. You don't scare us one bit. We got your boy.
- I bet that tears you up something fierce. - How do I know you really have my boy?
Dad.
Dad, is that you? Please. They're crazy.
They told me if you call the police, they'd kill me.
Please. Please, do whatever they say. I don't wanna die, Dad.
No police.
- God! - Rex? Rex? Where are you?
Now, you listen. Y'all gonna have to rassle up...
that 5 million bucks in cash.
We're looking at all 100s.
- Unmarked. - Unmarked.
- No tracers. - No tracers and no dye packs neither.
Otherwise, we gonna take your boy...
and string him up by his pretty little neck...
with the roughest, coarsest piece of rope we got...
in our rope inventory.
You understand? You got 24 hours before he dead.
- Yes. - That is how it's done.
Let's go. All right.
Guys, that was great.
That was so much fun.
- Absolutely. - You were incredible.
- Thanks for getting us snacks, dude. - You earned it.
So now what? What do we do?
- Okay. - What's the plan?
I say we go back to the office.
Okay? Lay low for a little while.
And we wait for that money train to roll in.
- Choo-choo! - Choo-choo, baby!
- Oh! Turn up this song. I love this one. - We're doing this thing.
I hate to break up the car party, but, Rex, you don't have a plan for the ransom drop...
and that is the part where people get caught.
Wow. The ransom drop is only hard if the police are involved.
Yeah. But what if he does call the police? Because that wouldn't be good.
He's a billionaire. He's not gonna risk my life over $5 million.
After Kurt's little performance, there's no way he's gonna call the cops.
My performance? What about yours? You were so in the moment.
- You think so? - You were great! And you were!
Get your mouths off his dick, okay?
- Everyone was doing pretty good. - Whoa. Take it down a notch.
Wait. Shut up, shut up, shut up. This is Stacy.
Oh, my God. I forgot to call her. Hi, honey.
- Where have you been all night? - Here's what happened.
I fell asleep at the office, and...
Really? Because Find My iPhone said you weren't at the office.
What, are you cheating on me, Dale?
- Look, you're upset and... - Oh, shit.
- Oh, God. Goddamn it. - He called the cops.
- Oh, we're busted. - Busted? Oh, my God.
- I'm not busted. - Drive.
No one is busted in a bad sense of the word.
- Too late. Lupe's got us. Pull in. - Put your head in my lap.
Honey, no one's head's going in my lap. It's something guys are saying now. I can't talk.
- Hide, hide, hide. - I am fucked.
- Let's just go in. Be calm and be cool. - Shit.
- Hi. - Gentlemen.
- You own this establishment? - This place here?
I don't know. Do you really own anything in this lifetime?
- We're currently renting. - It's all just material. Electrons, protons.
- Yeah. We do. - Technically.
Let me ask you, has your company done business recently with a Mr. Bert Hanson?
- Barb Fanson? Doesn't ring a bell. - Not really ringing a bell.
- I don't think that we have. - Not our guy.
That's interesting. The way I hear it, you're working with him.
And things didn't shake out too well for you boys.
- Oh, Bert. - Oh. Bert Hanson.
- Yeah. - Is that what he said?
- Bert Hanson? Oh, yeah. We know him. - That guy.
We had a business disagreement.
- Big whoop. - No big deal.
- Water under the bridge. - We're super friendly with the guy.
You're very forgiving.
Because almost everyone I've talked to thinks he's an asshole.
- Do they think that? - I could see that.
Strong word. I don't know if I'd use it.
We like the guy. Definitely don't think his son deserves to be kidnapped.
Kidnapped?
Who said anything about kidnapping?
- I wanna say you did. - I didn't.
- I heard you say it. - I didn't.
- I feel like you did. - I'm sure I did.
You said "kidnapping." I was like, "What a weird word."
- Should be more "kidnabbing." - No, I did not. Did I say that?
- I think you might have, sir. - You sure?
Well, I got a little lost with all their yammering, but pretty sure.
All right, maybe I did.
- Hey. - It's been a long week.
We'll be in touch.
Yeah. Anytime you want. Don't worry, because the main thing is that you said it...
Stop talking. Stop talking.
You've done plenty, plenty of talking.
Where you going? Come back here. Come over here. We're going this way.
I don't want you to thank me. Just go home and enjoy your family.
Enjoy the rest of the day off, everyone. You've earned it.
The police were just checking. Making sure we're locking up at night.
You know, they're keeping the neighborhood safe. They're heroes.
Okay, all taken care of.
- No, everyone's gone. - No, no, he...
He's spinning out.
I was really clear my life was in danger.
He called the police anyway.
Yeah, and since he did...
it's pretty clear that we're not gonna be able to continue with the scam...
Five million dollars is nothing to him.
But I guess it's worth more to him than my life.
- I'm his son, for chrissake. - Oh, boy. We got a crier.
- Look how blue his eyes get when he's crying. - I'm sorry. This is so fucking embarrassing.
- Oh, no. No, no, no. - No.
Toilet paper here. You can blow your nose.
Just because your dad called the cops doesn't mean he doesn't love you.
No, of course not. Oh, my gosh. I'm sure it was just his first reaction.
- He's scared, confused. - It's natural. I mean, Dale's a dad.
I'm a dad.
Can you imagine if someone stole one of them?
- I can't imagine. - You would call the cops.
No, I don't think I'd call the cops. I couldn't take that risk.
- Different situation. - Shit, I'm sorry.
Bad example.
Maybe some alone time would be helpful.
Why don't we step outside, give him a minute?
We'll come back, don't do anything rash.
- Get the loose rope. I don't want him to... - We can only hope.
Can I talk to you outside, please?
- Oh, boy. - Man, I feel terrible for that guy.
I know. Are you kidding me? Poor, poor guy.
- I mean, that is rough. Rough. - Are you guys shitting me in there?
His dad sold him out for... It was probably nothing to him.
- Pennies to him. - The guy's rich.
That would rock me to my core. Have a little empathy. Please?
Know what's going on? You're holding a grudge right now. Yes, you do that.
- You get all tight. You're gonna get cancer. - You do.
- I don't want that. - Let the past be the past.
We're not in the fucking past. We're in the goddamn present. And you guys...
What are you talking about? You're acting like you have Stockholm Syndrome.
What is that?
- What, like jet lag? - No.
- Do I look tired to you? - You don't. No.
- You don't look tired. - I'm fine.
Stockholm Syndrome's when you bond with your captors.
Oh, okay. Well, then hold on a second. He's the hostage.
So this would be reverse Stockholm Syndrome.
Yeah, and we don't have that, okay?
He's just a really, really, really likable guy. I like him a lot.
- He's really likable. - The guy's a winner.
It's nice to be around a winner.
- Oh, boy. It feels right, Nick. Come on. - Here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna go in, tell him cops were never part of this plan...
and the shit ends now. Let's do it.
- Okay, but hear us out about festering. - Like you can't have a conversation.
It was a wonderful idea. Didn't work out.
So I think the best thing to do is just to pull the plug...
and you tell the police that the guys who got you chickened out...
let you go, they're long gone.
- They didn't all chicken out. - Now's not the time to back off, boys.
I say we chop off a toe, mail it to him and double the ransom.
- Now you're talking. Chop, chop, chop. - Yes! Wait, whose toe?
- Not it. Not it. Not my toe. - No one's toe.
Keep your toes. Time to call it off.
Nick. Nick. Come on.
- Nick, look at me. - Oy.
Look, man, if we give up now, I'll be just fine, you know?
But you guys, your employees, for God's sake.
- Dale's little boys. - Girls, Kurt.
- Hey, thanks. Yes. - Yeah. You're all fucked.
- Nick, come on. - Come on.
You can't roll over and die when your back's against the wall.
- Don't roll over and die. - You gotta be careful.
- You have to take what's yours. - Take it!
Put your name on it. Write your name on it and say, "That's mine."
And take it.
I think I'll take it from here, okay?
- He's got it. - He's got it. Listen right here.
- This is where you want it to come from. - Not us.
- I got it! - Sorry, Rex. Sorry.
- He's got it. - Come on, man.
Help me help you get revenge on my asshole dad...
- ...and get you paid a million bucks cash. - Yes.
Boy, it sounds awesome, but there's no way to get it done.
That's not true. How about this?
How about if we just put our heads together? We brainstorm a little.
If we don't come up with a ransom plan that you love, we pull the plug.
- Then you'd let us walk? - You have my word.
But if we do come up with something really inspired...
then we're in it to win it.
Well, I can't stop anybody from brainstorming.
You're the best.
- All right. - I'll see you upstairs, man.
Is "vagina" with a G or a J?
All right.
Let's run it down from the top.
Okay. First we tie up Rex in one of those abandoned warehouses off 3rd.
Then we call Bert on a dark phone. It's prepaid and untraceable.
Go to the bench on the 4th Street Bridge to make the drop.
Not long enough to trace the call.
Goddamn it.
These guys are pros.
I want a tracer put in that bag.
The police are sending everyone they've got to watch the bridge.
Weapons tight. Eyes on.
All right, tactical command, red team.
Here we go.
But when he gets there...
he finds the dark phone that I planted ahead of time.
Then we call him from the second dark phone, and tell him to proceed downtown.
Hello.
You'll wanna pull into the garage under the Mandrake Hotel and park in Space 4421.
There, you will find a red bag.
You will transfer the money into this bag, then drive out and await the location of the drop.
And we tell him if anyone follows him in, his son's a fucking corpse.
And when Bert drives that far underground...
the police will lose the signal from his wire.
But when he arrives, instead of finding a bag he finds you three.
Disguised. Armed. Dangerous.
- Yeah, but the gun's not loaded, right? - Of course not. Nobody gets hurt, come on.
I then tell him to give me his jacket and tie.
讀這個：「錢還在我手上他們叫我去別處交贖金」
So just as the cops are starting to sweat...
Dad pulls out with the new red bag, just as he was instructed.
- Sir, we have the signal back. - Thank God.
Only it won't be my father driving. It'll be our ringer.
- We're back on him, sir. - How do you know it's him?
I still have the cash and I'm heading to the drop.
I guess it's him. Stay with him.
So I drive to the Staples Center.
Kings have Vancouver. Great matchup. Place will be packed.
Cops will stay with the money, wait for the kidnappers to receive the drop.
Hanson made the drop, stay on the money.
We got our man. Take him down.
Stay down.
Son of a bitch.
By the time the cops know they've been had...
Kurt's a ghost.
And Nick and Dale disappear with the cash.
And, finally, I am rescued from my hellish captivity.
Thank you. Where's my dad?
Dad!
A week later, once the smoke clears, we'll be sitting poolside, splitting up the cash.
It's raining. Who wants it? There's enough to share.
Look what came. Who wants some tequila?
- It's cash. - Thanks, babe.
Hey, whoa, Dale.
Get your goddamn kids out of the fantasy.
Let them enjoy the pool, let me enjoy the money.
- They're not even allowed at this pool. - I can't turn my mind off.
- Guys. Guys. Guys. - Will you stop it?
Come on. Let's not argue, okay? We came up with an awesome plan.
It is smart. It is mad creative.
You know, you boys continue to impress me.
- I'm proud of you. - Thanks, man.
- You came up with most of it, though. - I did not.
- You did. - That is a lie. It was a team effort.
You came up with going into the garage, losing the signal.
That was brilliant. Kurty came up with the dark-phone business.
- That's from "Grand Theft Auto." I took it. - Genius. Dale...
I had the thing where you go on the zip line to the trampoline to the skateboard.
- Nick shot that down, if you remember. - Yeah. It wasn't a good idea.
It was a bad idea, it really was.
You had a lot of bad ideas though that led to good ideas. And that is value.
Thanks, man.
All right, Nick. Look, my word is still good.
You know, if you don't think it can work, we call it off.
It's up to you, buddy.
Where do we get untraceable phones?
There we go. That's our guy.
- This guy. - There we go.
Prepaid with bitcoins.
Jailbroken.
A hundred percent untraceable.
- We got it. - Thanks. Solid. Thank you, Motherfucker.
Good luck out there, boys.
- What's that laugh about? - I just said good luck.
- That was a sinister giggle. - You said it with a sinister giggle.
I'm just saying that maybe you guys might want a little advice.
- Boy, that was predictable. No, thanks. - We're good.
- You know what, then? Get the fuck on. - That's what I said. Get the fuck on.
- Wait a minute. - I don't like this.
- I wanna hear what he has to say. - Now you wanna hear?
- You got one on the hook. - It'll cost 51 percent share of your company.
You're out of your fucking mind.
It's gonna cost you 2 percent share of your company.
- So weird how you negotiate. - It won't be in existence. You can have that.
- There's a middle ground. - Here's the advice, young men.
Y'all criminals.
- It's never good advice. - I can't find the advice.
It's not even true, actually. We're not criminals. All right?
- We got dicked into this. - Shut up.
See, you can't have this both ways.
Every time you guys come here, you're like, "We're a bunch of happy-go-lucky guys.
Through no fault of our own, we found ourselves in another pickle.
We can't get our fingers out of our asses." Fuck that.
You're fucking criminals. You've tried to kill your bosses.
One of them ended up dead. And now you want to perpetrate a kidnapping?
You three are the craziest motherfucking criminals I've ever seen in my life.
You wanna pull this shit off?
You gotta act like it.
Word.
Oh. That was embarrassing.
We're trying to do a super cool slow-mo walk.
- Come on, man. - Easy.
- It's over. Let's go. - Where you going?
- Moronic idea. I am mortified. - Come on, man. Let's do the walk.
You gotta stick with it.
What do you think? Should I beat myself up more?
No, you don't need to hit yourself anymore. I think we should just make the call.
Hold on. Before we kick this thing off, can I just say something?
I'm not really, good at this kind of thing, you know?
My mom died when I was 4, and...
You know, when you're raised by Bert Hanson...
most of your friends are shitheads.
Yeah. I know I dragged you guys into this, but I'm not sorry.
Because...
I'm really glad I met you guys.
Anyway, I want you guys to have this.
- What is it? - It's an actual fang from Predator.
- Predator the movie? - Yep.
I want you to have it.
- For real? - Swear to God.
Do you like Predator?
Yeah, I like Predator.
- Kurty? - Yeah. Yeah, I like Predator too.
I mean "also," not the sequel.
- Nick? - Oh, well...
I didn't like Predator when I first saw it...
but it grew on me quite a bit.
I like Predator a great deal.
Are we talking about him or Predator? I'm terrible with metaphors.
- Let's make the phone call. - It was lost on me.
Most things are.
Yeah.
You got that cash?
- Yeah, I got it. - Yeah.
Now, I want you to sashay up to the 4th Street Bridge.
You're gonna find a bench about halfway up, take a load off.
And you bring the amount that we agreed upon and you come alone.
And if you do, you will find your son returned home lickety-splickety.
Fourth Street Bridge, he's gonna have him drop it over the side.
Now, I want every inch covered, but everyone holds a safe distance.
Yeah, but not too safe a distance. Understand?
This bag is your number fucking one priority.
No, actually, your son's life is our number one priority.
Yeah, you know what I mean.
Yeah, I think I do.
Does anybody have a visual?
Bridge is still clear, chief.
Hanson approaching. ETA, two minutes.
The Blade is in position.
Majestic, in position.
I am in...
Kill Shot is in position.
- Whoa, "Kill Shot"? - Yeah, I wanna be Kill Shot.
- Then you are Kill Shot. I love it. - Pretty sweet name there, Nick.
Ooh. We don't wanna use real names if we're using code names, Dale.
- Don't say my name, Kurt. - Mine was an accident. Yours was on purpose.
- I don't think yours was an accident. - What?
Why are we on walkie-talkies in the same room?
We're checking the equipment.
We don't need to. He's on a TV remote control.
I was trying to participate. I didn't have anything to...
Hey. Hold up. The Blade's got a visual. He's here. He's here.
- Here we go. - Oh, shit.
- All right. Kill Shot, make the call. - I'm dialing. Here we go.
Oh, my God.
Hey, what's that? Who's calling you?
- I don't know. It's blocked. - Oh, no.
- Hello. - Hi.
- Who is this? - It's me, dickless.
You're supposed to call the dark phone.
It's in your hand. You were to tape that under the bench.
No, that's not... Oh, wait.
Oh, shit. So, what phone does he have?
Bert has Kurt's phone with our contact information on it.
And the pictures of us from when we used to be friends?
Knock it off. Look, this is no big deal.
We'll do it tomorrow. As long as we don't call, he'll never find it.
He found it.
- He what? How? - We are screwed.
- Shit. - Wait, wait, wait. I got an idea. I got an idea.
Call your phone. If he's talking, he's not gonna look through it.
- What's your number? - You don't know?
- I don't know my number. - I don't know. I never call myself.
I know both of your numbers. 323...
- That's all I need. I got there. Here we go. - Okay, yes.
- Here we go. Okay. All right. Ahem. - Right, okay.
Call coming in. "Roar" by Katy Perry.
These guys are confident.
Yeah, hello.
Look like the grasshopper found himself...
- ...a blade of grass to sit upon. - Too much.
- Hello. - Let's get this over with, pretend cowboy.
Now, listen, I need you to proceed to the Mandrake Hotel.
I need you to go underground into parking. I need you to get to Spot 4421.
You're gonna see a big old bag there. Fill it up.
And then I need you to proceed north onto Figueroa and await further instructions.
Wait, wait.
And don't think we don't know you got the law with you. That's something we do know.
All right? So if any of them cavalry follow you down in the garage...
I'm personally gonna stick a hot poker so far up your son's ass...
I'm gonna pop his teeth like popcorn!
See? We're back on track.
I gotta get that phone back. So many dick pics.
- Really? - Yeah, not all mine, though.
With game-time traffic, he could be here in less than 10 minutes. How we doing?
- Almost done. - Where are the bellhop costumes?
- What? - Bellhop costumes.
Aren't we dressed as bellhops when we escape with the money?
This place doesn't have bellhops.
- It doesn't? - No.
I thought there was supposed to be some sweet-ass...
- What the fuck are these? - It's not Halloween.
- Best I could do on short notice. - It's not scary.
- Hey, how do I look? - Who the hell are you?
- It's me, Kurt. - I know that part.
Terrible. You don't look like Bert, you look like Mark Twain.
None of this is like I pictured when we were planning it. Everything was cooler.
He just has to look good from a distance.
- Here we go. Let's do it. - Let's roll.
Let's just do what we gotta do, do it confidently and, we should be fine.
- Here we go. - Oh.
- Hi, boys. - Oh, hi.
You staying at the hotel, or is this your hotel? You staying here?
I've been keeping my eye on you since you broke into my office.
I don't know what's going on here, and I don't give a shit.
- Why are you here? What do you want? - I think you know what I want.
No, I'm not gonna sleep with you.
Why can't this crazy bitch get it through her head?
- Keep it respectful. Sorry. - Are you kidding me?
- Don't call her that. - I'm gonna make this simple.
I'm gonna call the police and send you to jail.
- Don't do that. - Come on.
Unless Dale plows me.
Why? Why me? What is so special about me?
That's a fair question. Everybody's wondering.
- I am. - Did you ever collect anything, Dale?
- Don't get him going on this. - What do I collect?
- Tons of stuff. - Encyclopedia Brown?
- New Beanie Babies, makes no sense. - Battlestar Galactica.
- Fine. I collect some stuff. Why? - Okay, well, I collect cocks.
- Cogs? - Julia.
- "Cocks." - Oh, yeah. Well...
Right up here.
I've got quite an impressive trophy room filled with cocks.
- We're in there. - Don't.
And at night, when I close my eyes...
I reflect on them...
I alphabetize them...
I dust them.
Why are they dusty?
But there's one little problem, Dale.
See that space? That empty space above the fireplace?
- See that? - You got a cock missing?
That's reserved for the only man who's ever said no to this.
Since I was 11 years old.
That's you, Dale.
My white whale.
Oh, okay. Well, I appreciate that. I really do. That's sweet, I guess.
But, hey, here's an idea. My friend Kurt here loves to plow.
- And maybe he could jump in for me... - Absolutely.
I could pinch-plow. I got a real green thumb.
We all know this is just the addiction talking. If you're looking for more than a quick fix...
I can provide you something that's very meaningful, long-lasting.
What? What are you talking about?
I'm talking about us.
- Us? All of us? - No.
- That's even better. - No.
More the merrier. I love this idea. You got a lot of stuff sticking out.
I got a lot of holes going in.
At one point of the night, you'd better make sure that, that one is in this one.
- Thank you. - That's not what I meant. You misunderstood.
I'm gonna go freshen up. Why don't you guys suck each other off to get ready?
- Here we go. - What are you doing?
What? She's making us fuck her.
- I'm not gonna fuck anyone. - Thank you.
I'm willing to make love to her, if that's required.
- Are you serious? - Can I borrow this razor?
Yeah. Go nuts.
Any requests? Landing strip? Dinner roll?
Whatever's there. We're in a rush. Thanks.
I don't wanna commit adultery on my wife.
No, it's not adultery if you're doing it to save your family. Okay?
You think Stacy and your girls are gonna wait for you...
- ...while you're in prison for 30 years? - They're not.
Can't we just come up with some kind of plan, though?
Oh, yes. Absolutely. I got a plan. Okay, here we go. Areas.
I'll go butt, face, puss.
I cannot go in the puss. That'll make me the most guilty.
- Good call. How about this? Butt, face, puss. - That's where I should be.
I'm talking about a way where... That's good.
If we're switching positions, she'll lose track of who's where.
- Like the shell game. - Three-card Monte. Exactly.
I can motorboat her boobies and then smack on her butt.
So long as nothing is done in a cheap or degrading way.
- We'll be as sensitive as Dr. Phil. - I don't know if I can fuck this woman.
- Think about your wife and girls. - I'll think about my girls. I can get it done.
All right?
- Stacy. - Oh, no.
- How did you find me? - Been there a while?
Find My iPhone.
- I knew you were cheating on me. - No, I'm not.
- He's not. We're trying to stay out of prison. - Prison?
No one's going to prison.
- Because we were gonna kidnap someone. - Kidnapping?
- No. First, the man kidnapped himself. - That's right.
- He forced us... - Dale wouldn't even do puss.
- I didn't even wanna do the puss. - I chose ass both times.
I said puss will make me the most guilty. You're not helping me! Shut up!
Look, this is such a stupid thing, honey.
And easy, and nothing sexual is even happening here.
Come on, Dale, this pussy isn't gonna eat itself.
- Julia? - Stacy.
And the babies.
Look at those babies. Oh, Dale, they look just like you.
- Listen to me. - You are sick.
- I'm not sick. Please. Can I just...? - Do not follow me. Do not follow me.
You fucking bitch.
Sorry. Really didn't mean for that to happen.
Okay, Julia. You wanna fuck?
Yeah.
Why not, right? My marriage is over. It's basically ruined.
So how about I ruin that pussy? That sound good?
- No, no, no. You're face. - I'm puss.
- Yeah. - No, no, no. This one's all mine.
What?
- Let's do it. Let's do it in the shower. - Attaboy.
Is that what you want? Nice and wet in here.
- I can't save my marriage from prison. - No, you can't.
- Great, Dale. - Let's roll.
- We lost the wire. - Shit.
Should we send in an unmarked?
We can't risk it. We'll hold here.
Hello. Howdy-do.
- You go on this side. - Stop.
Hey.
What the fuck is this?
I do not need that sass-mouth. What I need is that sack of cash. Now, get it over here.
Don't you throw it at me. You slide it. Do it again.
- No, we'll keep it here. - Check it.
- Holy shit. - Lookie there.
- We did it. - There's a pretty bag.
Okay. All right. Hey. I'll also take that phone you took from the bottom of that bench.
What?
- The cell phone. Give me the cell phone. - Throw the phone to him.
Now that fancy jacket and that snappy tie.
- Get them off. Get them over. - No.
- He say "no"? - I think he said no.
But we got this.
- Don't make me use this six-shooter. - Man's got a shooter.
You make me sick.
You're what's wrong with America. Everyone just wants a handout.
Take, take, take from the people who earn their money honestly.
All right, let's not chitchat now. The man does have a gun.
You got a real lip on you. I will shoot you in the chest.
Well, go ahead. Shoot me.
- You don't have the balls. - Yeah, he does. He got big old balls.
Big mouth. Nothing behind it.
- Dude. - Oh, my God.
- What the fuck? - Oh, my God.
What did you do?
- You shot him. - No, I didn't.
- You did. - That was not supposed to be loaded.
- What do you mean? - That's not my fault.
- Oh, my God. - Wait, hold...
Man. You should've seen your faces right now...
when you started blaming each other.
What's happening right now?
I'm fucking you over.
- No, no. But we're all friends now. - We are, but what a great twist, right?
At first I was just gonna take all the money and throw you guys under the bus.
I mean, come on. Duh.
But then when Dad called the cops and proved he doesn't give a fuck about me...
I realized, why take a few of his millions...
when I can inherit all of them and you guys can take the fall?
In minutes, the police will be down here and discover that you killed my poor father...
with a gun you stole from my room when you abducted me.
That is a lie!
- He knows. - He knows. He knows.
Don't worry, guys.
I'll take it from here.
Sorry, Rex.
But we got you.
Why take a few of his millions...
when I can inherit all of them and you guys can take the fall?
Ooh. Checkmate, bitch.
- All right, here. Let's have that. - Yeah. Yeah.
- No, I... Right. Sorry. - Thanks, man.
Didn't wanna hold onto that for two more minutes?
No, that was a gift.
- Did you park the Prius in the back alley? - I sure did.
- Do you have the keys? - Here you go.
I'm really proud of you guys.
Seriously. You pulled together. You worked like a team. Just like we planned.
Dale, we had a lot of laughs.
I really appreciate it. I mean, you made me smile.
Nick, I want you to smile more. You know? Look at those frown lines.
Take a vacation. Lighten up.
- Kurt, I think I'm gonna miss you the most. - Why?
Okay.
Bye.
Catch.
- Don't... - Goddamn it.
Sorry. I just have good hands. Fuck. Hang on a second.
Hey, freeze. Freeze.
Dale, come on. You think I'd give you a loaded gun?
Shit.
I gotta get going. Gotta wait to be saved at the warehouse by the cops. See you.
Oh, shit. Good luck talking to the cops. You have your dad's blood all over... Oh!
- Can we not keep anything to ourselves? - Fuck me. I'm so sorry.
- That's worse than what I did. What did I do? - You're friends with him. You introduced me.
We're not gonna be afraid of an unloaded gun, Rex, you dipshit.
- He's got bullets. He's got bullets. - He's got bullets? Fucking hell.
Kurt, what are you? A 32 waist?
- Oh, dear God. He's gonna rape us. - No.
- Oh, you just want my... - He just wants the pants.
All-time shittiest idea you guys ever had. Can't believe you talked me into this.
- This guy's dead now. - I know that.
- He's dead. - We should've stayed cogs.
This is taking too damn long.
Shit.
This isn't about the bag.
This is the goddamn drop.
Move in. Everybody move in now.
- Take off the incriminating pants. - Run around in my underwear?
Why not throw the body in the trunk? We got 5 million bucks.
There's police everywhere. We're not gonna get away.
Oh, shit.
- Grab the bag. Get the fuck in. - Why?
Lead the cops to that warehouse before your boy gets there.
If they see him out walking free, they just might believe your ass. Let's go.
Get the money.
Hey. Hey, guys.
Goddamn it. It's those idiots.
I knew I never said anything about kidnapping.
- Come on. Let's go. - Following us is already a part of their plan.
- You never know. Wanna make sure. - What is the seat-belt situation?
- I got mine. - We should put them on.
- Can I get under yours? - Hold on to the dashboard.
- Shit. - This is the wrong way.
This is the wrong way. Turn around. Stop the car.
- Who you texting? - My lady.
- Put it down. - If I don't check in, she goes crazy.
By the way, what the hell were you doing back there in that garage in the first place?
What's that, now?
- Holy shit. - What's going on?
You were down there to steal the ransom money.
Listen, I hustle, I don't steal.
What the fuck does that...? What were you doing in the garage?
I was thinking there was a chance...
the drop might go south, and that guy would kill y'all.
And in such a scenario, you'd rather me have the cash than him.
- He was betting against us. - You motherfucker.
- I was honoring your potential death. - Honoring us?
What are we, samurai?
Wait, hold on. Oh, hey. Train.
- Train! Train! Train! - Train!
- Nice! Woo-hoo! - Damn it.
That's how you lose the cops.
- We're not supposed to lose the cops. - Don't lose the cops.
That's the whole idea.
- It was a good thought. - Going back. This is great.
I wish you'd slow down. You wouldn't make mistakes.
Don't criticize the man. He's doing the best he can.
Here, I'll let them know. Hold on.
Hey. We're back. We'll stay here...
till all this shit goes by.
Then we'll all roll.
What the fuck are these assholes doing?
- They get that? - Yeah, I think so.
- What's that you're carrying around? - What is that?
It's for my kitties.
- You got kittens? - Surprising.
- I can't have kittens? - Why you always jumping on everything?
- It's weird you're hauling around a cat stand. - I love pussy.
- Hey, can I hop out and piss? - No. We're in a car chase.
- Super long train. I feel I could get it done. - It is a lot of freight.
Hold the line
It probably needs...
Love isn't always on time
Hold the line
It's just too goddamn easy.
- I feel like I could have pissed by now. - Let him go. Open the door.
- Caboose coming. - Shit.
Oh, shit. Cops.
- Cops. Cops. - Shit.
- What happened? - You lost your stuff.
- What? Damn it. - Yeah, you lost your cat stuff.
Okay, there's a man there. Watch out for him.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
- Hey, we're boxed in here. - Not for long.
- No, no, no. - I've always wanted to do this.
Gotta make it last
I touch you once
I touch you twice
Shit.
What?
So where is this place?
It's up here. Under the bridge.
- What are you doing? - You're supposed to go under the bridge.
Relax.
- The wheels are locked. - Pump the brakes.
- Shift down. - Put it in park.
I can't think.
Bet y'all loving this fence now.
I've come around to the whole fence thing.
I would've loved a seat belt too.
Well, what's the next part of the plan, Motherfucker?
There. There. There.
- Hey. Hey, he's not here. We beat him. - What?
- We beat him. - Hey.
Hey, nice job...
- Where's Motherfucker? - I don't know.
Cops. Cops.
Hey.
- Get out of the car. - Easy.
- Hands up. - Relax. Please, put your guns down.
We didn't kill anybody. I swear to God.
- I don't give a goddamn. Tell it to the judge. - We didn't kidnap anybody.
He kidnapped himself. He'll sneak in any second.
- He was supposed to be tied up to that chair. - Right behind you.
Who? Him?
Yeah.
Aw, that looks bad. That looks bad.
- This fucking guy. - You gotta believe us.
That's them. Those three, they tortured me, then said they were gonna kill my dad.
- Oh, don't listen to that. - That's garbage.
Tell me he's okay. Please.
- I'm sorry, son. - No.
- He killed his father.
- He's a very strong actor. Bravo. - Don't buy it.
- Get on the ground. - We're getting down.
I can't believe you're buying that acting. I mean, it's good, but...
You have the right to remain silent, assholes.
You have the right to an attorney, asshole. You have...
Hey. Hey, that's my phone. He has my phone.
- The phone Bert had on the bench. - Check that phone.
If he was tied up here the whole time, how could Rex have the same phone?
- They switched pants! - Yeah. They got it.
- Check it. - It's the same ringtone, sir.
Yeah. That's my phone.
I have the same ringtone. It's an inspiring ringtone.
You were here this whole time with a cell phone...
and didn't bother to call the police?
- Yes. - Shut the fuck up.
Let me see it.
I said let me see it.
Okay.
- Everybody move the fuck off. - Yeah, he looks pretty guilty now, right?
He's definitely suspect.
Drop your fucking guns.
You shoot this prick. You shoot this prick right now.
You drop your guns or I'll blow his fucking head off. You hear me? Move.
Move.
He's gonna get away with this.
- This guy doesn't quit. - He's incredibly resilient.
- You. Keys in the car? - Keys are in the car.
- This fucking guy. - Calm down.
This fucking guy took everything from me. "Calm down, Dale"? No.
- Fuck this fucking guy. He took my wife. - All right, step away.
- He took my kids. I'm gonna do something. - Easy. What are you gonna do?
- Look who's the predator now, bitch. - Wait, Dale. What are you doing?
- Dale. - Oh, I'm shot.
Get in there. Get him.
Cuff this crazy asshole. And beat the shit out of him while you're at it.
- Oh, shit. - Dale, buddy, you okay? Hey.
- Oh, my God. - Oh, wow.
- Oh, shit. - What was that?
Dale, let's put this down. What was the plan here, buddy?
- I overreacted. It's not even sharp. - Adrenaline.
Did it just graze me, or...?
No, you got hit right in the square of the fucking chest.
- Went straight through. - You're gonna be fine.
No, I don't know about that. That's a lot of blood.
- Don't listen to him. You're gonna make it. - Fuck.
Hey, if you want hope, listen to him.
If you want the truth, I'm your fucking guy, all right? This is bad news.
- Can we get some help here? - Don't worry. We're gonna get you fixed up.
- Oh, Jesus Christ. - Is it bad? Is it bad?
- That's a big fucking hole. - Yeah.
- I'm gonna go to this light right here. - If you've gotta go, you gotta go.
- Please don't let me die with him talking. - I'll take care of Stacy and your boys.
- That couldn't be more annoying. - I'm not trying to be annoying.
- I'm trying to have fun. - It's annoying.
- It worked though. Look at that. - Look who's talking. You okay?
You've been drifting in and out. Nice to hear you talking.
So, what do the doctors say? Am I gonna die?
- Yes. - Yes?
- No. - We're all gonna die.
It's been touch-and-go, but you're gonna be fine.
Doctors are gonna let you out.
- That's good. - They did have to give you a bird's heart.
- Oh, God. - You okay with that?
- No. - He's kidding.
- We're kidding. - That heart would've been too old for me.
How long was I out?
- Two years. - Really?
- Four days. - That's better.
Why didn't you play? Thought we were gonna say two years.
We've got a woman president.
Shit.
- Look who's here. - Oh, my gosh. He's talking.
- You're talking. Hi. - We'll leave you alone.
Please. Let me explain everything to you, there are so many misunderstandings.
- It's okay. Julia explained everything. - Don't talk to her. She's crazy.
She told me everything she put you through because of her affliction.
"Her affliction"?
It's heartbreaking what she's been through.
- Hi. - She also told me that my husband...
is the only one that ever resisted her.
- Okay. - Dale, you are one lucky man.
Your wife is so understanding and caring.
- Right. - So beautiful.
She has been so supportive with the babies. And helpful.
Oh. Please, it's the least I can do to make amends for my bad behavior.
Okay.
I'm gonna find Dr. Mike, tell him you're talking.
Okay, good. Go get the doctor because I'm feeling a little...
What is going on here?
What's up? I'm off the hook? No more white-whale business? Or any of that?
- No more. You're off the hook. - Really?
Did you know that when men are in a coma they can still get an erection?
It's true, Dale. Coma boners.
"Coma boner"? What?
Lots and lots of coma boners.
Think about it.
- Oh, shit. - All right, well, I better go.
I'm booking a spa day for me and Stacy.
- I'm gonna fuck your wife, Dale. - No, no.
No. No, you're not. Hang on. Hang on. No.
- Hey, there she is. - Boys.
You look fantastic. You know, I've been sending you a lot of unanswered texts.
- That's not how you catch them. - I think she said she's gonna fuck my wife.
- Thought she already did. - That horse may have left the barn.
I figured those guys have been bumping tacos.
- Super touchy-feely lately. - I can't process this. This is too much.
Anyway, so, what's even going on?
- Did we get in trouble with the police, or...? - We did, yeah.
- Yeah. A lot. - We got arrested for a long list of felonies.
But because you took a bullet for the detective, DA got rid of the biggies.
- Dropped some charges? Nice. - You're like a little Kevin Costner.
You're our bodyguard.
Pretty sweet. All right, so I'm guessing we saved the business.
- Nope. We did not. - We did not.
The bank foreclosed a couple days ago.
公告 法院抵押品 禁止進入
尼克&科特&戴爾 股份有限公司
Going once, going twice, sold. To D.H. Commercial Trust.
But there's good news. The guy who bought the company is keeping us on to run it.
兩個月以後 But there's good news. The guy who bought the company is keeping us on to run it.
兩個月以後
- If we bring that down to $300, you've got... - Lupe. All right.
Hola, Lupe.
- SkyMall? - Sí, SkyMall.
Great. That's great news.
- SkyMall order is ready to ship. - The boss is gonna love that.
Yes. Let's go show him these great numbers too.
Are we happy with these numbers?
They're pretty good.
- Room for improvement. - We can do better.
Oh, my God.
I just realized. You actually thought you were bringing me good news.
The three of you walked in with smiles on your fucking pathetic faces.
Why were you born? Why were the three of you born?
Looking at you is like looking out over the Grand Canyon of ineptitude.
It's a wonder your parents didn't smother you...
- Where you going? - See you next week.
I have an idea. Why don't you try a suicide pact?
所有訪客必須留在座位上 I have an idea. Why don't you try a suicide pact?
所有訪客必須留在座位上
And I'm not talking about throwing yourself off a building or some sleeping-pills shit.
嘿 嘿 如果你即將進入晨間交通高峰
這可又是一個交通擁堵的殘酷星期一
2號到5號公路車行緩慢
道路封閉警示使一到十號公路近乎癱瘓
如果你在405號高速公路上
你可能已經遲到了
如果你的老闆因此找你麻煩
讓他來這裏和
瑞秋談談 -噢 不
叮 哈哈 謝謝你 斯基普
但是 嘿 說到老闆 廣告之後
我們將會見到三個
追求夢想自己當老闆的人
不要走開
播報結束 很好 夥計們 休息九十秒
天啊 戴爾 你可別再出汗了 夥計
-噢 哇 你全身都濕透了 -別再出汗
我要怎麼才能不出汗
這可是件大事 我們的未來就靠這個了
我們都辭了工作
我還有三個孩子嗷嗷待哺 你說得真輕鬆
你得這樣想 你現在有份好工作
你的兒子們將會為你感到驕傲
是女兒 我有三個女兒 老兄
噢 好吧 這麼小看不出來是男還是女
他們就像長著手臂的土豆
不准叫我的孩子土豆
-請尊重我的孩子 -別把他惹毛了
-她們穿的是粉色的衣服 -讓他冷靜下來
很多男孩也穿粉色的衣服
-我就有一件超愛的粉色馬球衫 -得了吧
-可以給我們一卷手紙嗎 -能給我手紙嗎
你幹嘛對人家大吼大叫
他說了請 而你是在大叫
-真沒禮貌 -老兄 把臉擦乾
-他抓狂了 -真是難以置信
-你們沒我能上嗎 -為什麼你不在車裏等著
夠了 這很簡單 你得冷靜下來
聽著 尼克將會用事實和數字說服他們
因為他很有頭腦 不是嗎
你就講講你和你老婆
幹了一炮然後生了三個長著手臂的土豆
你負責走心 我會做我擅長的事 找到適合自己的位置
-這麼說你是靈魂人物嗎 -我是雞雞和蛋蛋
-知道了 -為什麼我會想當靈魂人物
千萬別暈過去了 深呼吸
看到了嗎 這件事很簡單的
我們要做的就是表現真實的自己
拉倒吧 我們幾個就是垃圾箱裏起的火
讓我們表現點更好的東西吧 讓我們提升一點逼格
這是個好主意 沒人傻到做自己
好了 我們二十秒後開始
嘿 夥計們 感謝你們的到來
-很高興見到你們 -早上好 你們好嗎
嘿 我的兄弟 你有麻煩了
-過了 -好吧 他很配合我
-戴爾·艾柏斯 -很高興見到你 老兄
-感謝你們的到來 這一定會很有趣的 -是啊
那拉鏈可以一直拉到底嗎
倒計時 五 四
#起來 起來 起來 然後滾開#
哈 哈 我們回來了 你知道的
每周我們都喜歡在《創意焦點》欄目中
聚焦於本地的發明家和企業家
沒錯 麥克
今天我們邀請到了三個當代的愛迪生
他們發明了一個新的淋浴設備
據說他們真的很希望用這個洗澡
有請尼克 科特和戴爾
很高興來到這裏
在我們談論產品之前 你們可以告訴我們
是什麼激發了三位
工薪階層自己創業呢
我們都曾為
惡老闆們幹著糟糕的工作
想著如果我們有機會
自己當老闆 我們絕不會像他們這樣做
這是我們的機會
我們沒想到能得到這次機會
但是戴爾有一個很棒的主意
別讓戴爾說話
然後 呃 我們開始
把聚在一起抱怨我們的工作
變成討論發明的事情
嘿 我覺得這很令人激動
戴爾 我想知道
發明一個新型花灑的靈感
-是從哪裏來的 -我有三個孩子
所以這就是核心所在
-你真有福氣啊 -是啊 他生了三胞胎
老實說 有點太多了 我快累垮了
看來 他很顯然一直掛記著她們
呃 讓我來回答這個問題吧
戴爾 呃
剛剛自助洗車回來
拿著長桿毛巾和肥皂
就從這裏面得到了所有靈感
他想 為什麼沒有人為你的身體做一個自助清洗工具呢
酒過三巡後 我們想出了這個 呃 淋浴兄弟
-淋浴兄弟 -抱歉 這個名字還不是正式名字
-不 他弄錯了 這是正式名字 -我希望它叫 淋浴老爹
淋浴老爹 在每個層面都很衰
我同意尼克的看法
比起和某些奇怪的傢伙在一起洗澡要好很多
才不是什麼奇怪的傢伙
正如我說了很多遍的 那是你的兄弟
-為什麼你的兄弟要跟你一起洗澡 -那為什麼你的爸爸就可以呢
-啊哦 -別在電視上吵架
要不這樣吧 不如你們給我們展示下這產品怎麼用吧
好嗎 讓我們開動吧 哈
哈 -來吧 讓它淋下來吧 來吧 快點試試看
噢 這真是碉堡了
科特將打開花灑
你們將看到水流出來
過一會兒 洗髮水會
自動從花灑擠出來
-沒有水壓 -扳那個藍色的把手
-還是沒有水壓 -後面有一個水泵
我可以手動把水抽上來
戴爾將會幫助我們 謝謝你 夥計
-水泵 -你行嗎
-沒問題 -是嗎
水流出來 洗髮液和水混在一起
再過一會兒呢 護髮素就會擠出來
你用淋浴兄弟洗澡節省了一半的時間
美國人平均 我不知道你們知不知道這個
他們每星期工作五十個小時
-我的手抽筋了 -來 讓我來幫你
上下班通勤 如果我們可以給你節約哪怕僅僅只有五分鐘
-這桿兒太干了 不是嗎 -是啊 吐點口水在上面
-好點了嗎 -看吧 是的 如果你潤滑一下 就好多了
噢 不 當然不
抱歉 這後面有一個洞
我要把我的手指伸進去
我們真的不在乎你怎麼弄
把它弄好就行了 搞定它
-無論如何搞定它 -現場直播 對嗎
現場直播 你要做什麼
-好了 水來了 -噢 水來了
嘿
-我告訴過你 -說到做到 不是嗎
-現在 去把它關掉吧 -太炫酷了 我想要一個
你不能要這個 這是原型
但是我們正在尋找合作夥伴
我現在就可以告訴你 我要了 我要投資
我們有一位投資者了 好啊 麥克
現在 我要怎麼和你們聯繫呢
-你直接去訪問尼克科特戴爾就好 -抱歉我沒聽清 什麼
是我們的網站 Nickkurtdale.com
我很確信我沒有聽明白
是我們的名字 尼克 科特 戴爾
發音與「黑鬼」相似 具有侮辱性意味
尼克科特戴爾
你們得改改那名字
不敢相信我們以前從沒大聲說出過那個名字
在紙上看起來那麼好
夢想還存在的時候確實很美好
但是我覺得我們現在可以回去乞求我們的工作了
也許只能接受這個現實
我們永遠只會是機器中的齒輪
慢著 機器裏的老二 那是啥
齒輪 字母G
你們知道嗎 你是對的 我們就不是當老闆的料
我們就是工蜂 我們就是打雜的
Katy Perry《Roar》，一首自我激勵的歌曲
噢 天哪 那首歌 我現在不能聽見那個
把它調成震動吧
-你能別這麼自暴自棄嗎 -求你了
-我專門選了這首歌來鼓舞我們 -它可沒有鼓舞到我
快看 未知來電
-快接吧 -你好
是的 我是淋浴兄弟合夥人之一
真的嗎 是的 不 當然 我知道你是誰
快度娘一下 博爾德溪流 博爾德溪流
嗯哼 謝謝你 我們對這個產品感到很驕傲
-發電郵告訴我們細節 沒問題 -那是真的嗎
-是的 我的電子郵箱 -不是你的
是的 是phatballllz@hotmail.com
是P-H-A-T-B-A-L-L
是的 沒問題 謝謝你
-明天見 -哇
我勒個去 博爾德溪流公司喜歡淋浴兄弟
博爾德溪流是那顆蔥啊
只是北美最大的產品目錄零售商之一罷了
#你將聽見我怒吼#
不錯
當你心情好的時候 它是首好歌 當你心情不好的時候 它就是首爛歌
那是藝術 那就是與眾不同的藝術
-老兄 這地方太霸氣了 -是啊 很不錯
你看到免費餅乾了嗎
是啊 你都吃上了 而且已經吃了四塊了
你臉上會沾滿巧克力的
當我們看到這個人
和他握手的時候
用你的另一隻手拖住他的手肘
-這是一個經典的動作 -我不知道這個動作 讓我看看
-就像那樣 -你們能不能都坐下
-不錯哦 -怎麼樣 不錯吧
-感覺真的不錯呢 -你手上有巧克力
現在我的外套上也有了
-在上面灑點水 -我不需要水 水會讓它黏在我的衣服上
把餅乾拿開些
不 要以毒攻毒
不要 水會讓它黏在我的衣服上
哈 總算來了 我的淋浴兄弟們
你們好嗎 見到真人了
跟那個早間節目裏一樣
你們總是在爭論不休 我喜歡
-是啊 很榮幸見到你 -雷克斯·漢森
-噢 嘿 科特·伯克曼 -很高興見到你
-很高興見到你 -經典的握手方式
-尼克·亨德裏克斯 -尼克 幸會
嘿 呃 戴爾·艾 呃
該死 我剛剛才學會
你想怎麼握我們就怎麼暑櫌We can do it whichever way you want.
-不是嗎 -先聲明一下 我們不是種族主義者
噢 那很好 我很欣賞這一點
我們為什麼不拿些點心 咖啡 拿些餅乾
我們上樓吧
讓我們談談這個產品 那是燈芯絨的嗎
進來吧 夢想的確會實現
你們想喝一杯嗎
-我要一杯 -當然
-不 還很早 -我們不喝了 不好意思
那我就開門見山了
先生們 淋浴兄弟 將會是一個全壘打
哎呀 漢森先生 我們簡直高興
我爸才叫漢森先生 我叫雷克斯
請坐吧 隨意些 請坐
我們希望你們知道我們公司是一個
你們可以引以為傲的合作夥伴
我們的員工都會有醫療保險
我不在乎那些
你們看到這個了嗎 這是吉米·亨德裏克斯用的吉他
吉米·亨德裏克斯：著名的美國吉他演奏家，被公認為是搖滾音樂史中最偉大的電吉他演奏者
嘿 被你發現了 就是那把他用手指
彈出槍聲的吉他 你們喜歡這種炫酷的玩意嗎
-我們愛炫酷的東西 -我愛死炫酷的東西了
-你們喜歡該死的日本武士嗎 -日本武士嗎 當然
我就知道你們會喜歡 和我做生意
你們想要多少就有多少
所以你打算為我們的產品提供生產
等一下 讓你們感受一下
朗小姐 你能進來一下嗎
這次又是幹嘛
我的天哪
甜心 我們在進行頭腦風暴
啤酒是什麼做的
你是說鋁嗎
-就是這樣 朗小姐 謝謝你 -不用謝
她要去哪裏
那才是你要期待的炫酷東西
這樁交易最好的部分
你都不需要動一根手指
我的公司將承擔未來的產品研發
製造外包給中國
你們會收到一筆可觀的一次性開發費
我想要深入瞭解一下一次性開發費因為
你看到這個橄欖球了嗎
佩頓·曼寧：丹佛野馬隊四分衛
這是佩頓·曼寧扔出的
一個男的用頭盔接住的那個 送給你了
你知道 雷克斯 那個一次性費用
我們不希望放棄對公司的控制
是的 我們希望處理所有
製造方面的事 然後你們來做後續分配
什麼 你們製造 在這裏 在美國
-那是我們的計劃 -我們的美國夢
夥計們 我不得不告訴你們現實很殘酷
所謂的美國夢 全是中國製造
現在 聽著 我敬佩你們的天真 好嗎 呃
但是我恐怕這樁交易只能這麼進行
我的確說了 可觀的費用 對嗎
能給我一分鐘嗎 我想跟我的搭檔們談談
沒問題 慢慢來 我會在那邊等著
-天啊 -老兄
-你們怎麼想 -我什麼也不想說
伊萊·曼寧：紐約巨人隊四分衛，佩頓·曼寧的弟弟
但是他指的是伊萊·曼寧 不是佩頓·曼寧
是的 可能吧 科特
我覺得她身材好爆了
但是她的口音 她簡直就是不可多得的尤物
太瘋狂了 那裙子
我同意你們兩個的觀點 這樁交易怎麼樣
-交易 接受吧 -我們應該接受
-拿錢走人 -他有炫酷的東西
-想想我們會擁有自己的炫酷東西 -但是看看這個地方
我是說 這些人通過賣東西掙了不少錢
而且他剛剛說我們的淋浴兄弟是一個全壘打
-為什麼為了一筆一次性費用就賣掉我們的全壘打 -說得沒錯
我不知道 我需要這筆錢養活老婆和女兒們
他說的也沒錯 說真的 我也急需這筆錢
我瞭解 但是也許不僅僅和錢有關
說得太對了
也許是為了再也不用給任何人打工
-說得對 -不是嗎 當你自己的老闆
-我說我們賭一把 -同意
-你是對的 -我同意
我也同意 讓我們大幹一場吧
好吧 雷克斯 呃
-呃 不合作 -抱歉
-我們 呃 準備賭一把 -那是真的嗎
是的 我們沒有別的意思
說實話 我們很感謝你們的提議
-抱歉 -好的 我尊重你們的選擇
我只能說你們選擇放棄三百萬還真挺有種的
等等 你說三百萬美元 我們接受
抱歉 過期不候
一半我們也接受 一半也很不錯 我們能有一半嗎
過了這村兒沒這店兒 謝謝你們能來
戴爾 把橄欖球還給我吧
想在美國製造東西 祝你們好運
你知道
我白手起家在美國創建了這家公司
爸爸 我不知道你已經回來了 旅行開心嗎
我怎麼跟你說的 不要隨便用我的辦公室
-我知道 我本來只是想 -伯特·漢森
你們就是淋浴兄弟們嗎
-是的 先生 -是的 我們就是 先生
我很敬佩你們想要親力親為
生產美國製造的產品
並且自己控股
我一無所有地來到這個國家
歷經險阻 努力工作
我自己的美國夢就這樣實現了
-真勵志 -嗯 我將要做的是
給你們提供我在太平洋沿岸銀行的門路
-那是一家銀行 -他們聽到伯特·漢森的名字後
絕不會拒絕給你們貸款
我就先下 呃
十萬份的訂單怎麼樣
-十萬個淋浴兄弟嗎 -哇哈
你要做十萬個淋浴兄弟
老爸 你知不知道你在說什麼 我們從來不做這樣的交易
抱歉 父親
但是博爾德溪流必須是你們唯一的零售商
啊 讓我們好好想想 當然
誰打電話我們都不會接的
-我們說定了 -是啊 當然了
-嘿 好的 就這麼定了 -我碰到他的胳膊肘了
-我把你那兒弄上巧克力了 -沒關係
太好了 真是好消息
這兒有兩萬平方英尺 但是最短租期為五年
兩萬 聽起來比我們需要的多得多啊
但是我們就是需要足夠的空間來成長 不是嗎
並且我們有了一個大訂單
尼克 說得對 拜託 尼克
-尼克 尼克 -我不知道
-你知道的 我們租了 我們決定租了 -太棒了
-是的我們租了 -太棒了
你一點兒工作經驗都沒有
這樣不好嗎
開玩笑 這樣棒極了
-你熱情四射 活力無限 -而且不合格
-你知道嗎 你被錄用了 -哦不
-真的嗎 -真是意料之外 並且 呃 不值得
你被錄用了
是的 很明顯是這樣的
-好吧 又一個 呃 -沒有工作經驗
你並不需要 你的眼睛會說話 你看起來很誠實
等下 夥計
-嗯 你被錄用了 -真的嗎
-我是說 如果你願意的話 -謝謝
-現在越來越快了 -好吧
-你可以在星期六晚上開始工作嗎 -當然可以
好的 棒極了 我會通知你的
資料說你曾經
-被判過重罪 -那都是胡說
你說的太對了 我明白
兄弟 我也有過類似的經歷
他們要把我定為
兒童性侵犯者 全都是胡說
噢 喲 喲 喲 我是絕對不會和對小孩犯罪的人共事的
-我也不會啊 -是的 我們都不會
絕對不會 兄弟
我們絕對反對這些事
但是 嗯 讓我們給他一份工作吧
只是 是的 我不想讓他沮喪
好吧 告訴你吧 蒂凡尼 你被錄用了
-我被錄用了 -是的
-就是這樣 就是這樣 -哦 謝謝
好的 再見 週一見 請回吧
科特 你不能再錄用不合格的辣妹了
不能私吞貨物 當老闆還有什麼樂趣
你應該知道你不能上那些女人吧
-什麼 -你是老闆 那可是性騷擾
記得性騷擾嗎 我差點殺了我的老闆 想起來了嗎
我現在就得炒了她們嗎 我才剛錄用她們
你不能因為不能上她們
就炒了她們
這也是性騷擾
那我們到底為什麼要這麼做嘛
好吧 我們來說說著裝制度
-算了 -沒有死板的著裝制度
行了 -你們想怎麼穿就怎麼穿
什麼舒服穿什麼
嗯 這就開始脫衣服了 好吧
-這也是一種選擇 -好吧
不過是錯誤的選擇
必須穿一件襯衫 那是唯一一個
他竟然不屌我 他可能不是一個好員工
大家都玩的開心嗎 哈
嘿 大夥兒
每個人都看起來很高興 這真是一個好主意
是的 我知道 不過這也可能是一個問題
這是攜子通勤日 不是讓子通勤日
他們不覺得是在工作 他們覺得這是過家家
我想讓他們停下來 他們就開始哭
-他們已經包裝了一千二百份 -我去...一千二百份
-是的 -好吧 還挺有效率
-是啊 -而且他們看起來很開心
-可以讓他們再玩十分鐘吧
-就讓他們在午餐時間玩個夠吧
-是的 那我該去把那標語換了 -是的
哦 天 這就是了
快拍一張 茄子
-我們做到了 我們生產了十萬份 -我們做到了
-是的 -讓我瞧瞧
哇 呼
-這真是一個好主意 -你說他們是怎麼割這兒的草坪的
確定沒有提前約見合適嗎
放心 他會喜歡的
蛋糕和氣球 你們不覺得這有點兒過了嗎
不不 我不覺得 我倒是覺得
他會因為訂單提前三天完成而興奮死的
我覺得他會因為在意想之外見到我們而開心瘋的
我覺得他給我們高爾夫俱樂部會員都是意料之中的事
-你說真的嗎 -是啊
哦 天吶嚕 我想要這個
是的
驚喜 哈哈
先生 我們完成了你的訂單 並且貨物已經準備好運送了
好消息啊
我們給您帶了一小塊蛋糕 上面寫著 謝謝您信任我們
-當然還有幾個氣球 -我們指的是我們三個
恭喜 小伙子們 太讓我意外了
-謝謝 -謝謝
恐怕我要取消那筆訂單了
他說什麼
-聽起來他好像說 取消那筆訂單 -什麼
-取消什麼 -取消訂單
不再需要了
-等等 不 這說不通啊 -你不能這樣做
-我們可是勒緊褲腰帶投了五十萬啊 -我們是在做生意啊
-如果你不買我們的產品 那就是違約了 -這可是一筆五十萬美元的訂單啊
美國夢和所有的一切
-他要推桿了 他要推桿了
-他進洞了 -您能和我們解釋一下發生了什麼嗎
-還有您為什麼這樣做 -當然 問題很合理
是這樣的 小伙子麼 你們得貸款一周後就要到期了
你們卻沒有能力償還
而且你們的貸款提供方
已經向我保證不會再給你們延期
到那時 你們的公司將會被抵押來償還貸款
然後我會買下所有的產品
再拍賣出去獲得暴利
成本比我交給中國人做更低
-哦 天吶嚕 -簡直無法相信
不管怎樣 作為附加福利 我還會獲得你們的專利
並且這裏的先生們
將會接管我們新產品的生產工作
淋浴夥伴
-名字比我們的好聽 -是啊
-該死 -他媽的
哦 爸爸 這真是精彩的一手
我們至少應該讓他們嘗點甜頭
因為他們被我們整得太慘了
雷克斯 不需要像拍電視一樣炫耀
他們知道他們敗了
在這樣的時刻 靜觀會更有氣場
那您說過的
努力工作 在美國創建公司的事呢
-美國夢和勤勉工作 -都是胡說嗎
你們真的以為老老實實工作可以創造財富
財富是唯一能創造更多財富的東西
我們有 你們沒有
好吧 好吧 你知道嗎
-別著急 別這樣 -看我的 嘿
聽著 你這惡霸 你不會想和我們為敵的 知道嗎
哇 別這樣 我可沒有一步步走近你
但我每天都樹新敵 這就是生意場
先生們 謝謝你們專程來一趟 過得開心
雷克斯 拿蛋糕
噢
砸錢的不要臉的混蛋
高雅正直都被狗吃了嗎
-我要失去我的房子了 -是的
史黛西會和我離婚的 她要嫁給別人了
-我只能在麥當勞
裏見到我的孩子們了 -去他的麥當勞
我們在想些什麼
誰會拿自己當賭注 我們為什麼要那樣做
-什麼 -是你說服我的
我本來只是在觀望的
我們被騙了 我們的員工都要去喝西北風了
他們怎麼辦 盧佩怎麼辦呢
這只是一個問題
這意味著我們要做的是想出解決方案
我們寫一些想法在白板上
那也是我想說的 我們來吧 開始吧
-沒有辦法就是一個糟糕的辦法 -沒有主意就是壞主意
-誰來幫我們起個頭 -我來
-科特 -殺了那些混蛋
-不 不 -謀殺 是的
-你不用把這個也寫下來 -殺了他們
-我們一起殺了他們 我想讓他們死 -殺了他們
-我們打開他們的頭蓋骨狠狠地攪他們的腦子
再幹了他們的頭
-我來感覺了 尼克 -他們去死吧
-我們再來一遍 -那是芝加哥式的復仇
-芝加哥式的復仇 -把他們開腸破肚 我想讓他的家人們都去死
我要燒了他的房子 我就能得到球棒
-來吧 兄弟 一起上 -幹了他們的頭
-一起來 -一起
我們要殺了他們
如果我們哪怕只瞭解自己一丁點
那就是我們不是謀殺犯
-另外 殺了他們怎麼拿到我們的錢呢 -你什麼意思
你們把他們的器官拿到黑市上去賣
認真點 拜託
這沒用 認真地想
你說得對 人們還做過其他的事情來彌補
-必須要有計謀 -為了錢
就像電影《生死時速》裏的情節一樣
是的 就是這個 在公交車上放一顆炸彈
所以我們要改裝一輛公交車
只要它時速低於五十就爆炸
-你說的都是什麼鬼話 -你說沒有主意就是壞主意
我錯了 那個主意糟透了 電影糟透了 你們也是
那部電影讓我們知道了桑德拉·布洛克
去你的 我愛死桑德拉·布洛克了 我氣急攻心了
對不起 我氣急攻心
整個事情都讓我火大
把筆給我 我有了一個更好的主意
想要筆嗎 給我五十萬美元 那才是我們需要的
-想用只筆來騙贖金嗎 -隨便你怎麼說
我需要五十萬美金
我不需要你們的破主意和吹牛逼
拜託
戴爾
-彭 靈感突現 -邦假
-是綁架
你少寫了個字母P 你寫成了邦假
管他怎麼寫
你們知道我想說的是什麼 綁架 好吧
等等 那他媽的是一個好主意
想想吧 首先 我們綁了雷克斯
-我們從伯特哪裏拿到錢 -贖金
我們就救了這樁生意
沒有人死
-沒有人受傷 -他可是伯特的孩子
是的 但他又不是未成年
所以聽起來不是那麼的糟
就快不是那麼糟了
你們對於實施綁架有多少瞭解
-你什麼意思 你才 -有塑料綁繩就夠了
你們根本不知道怎麼綁架別人
好吧 我們什麼都不知道 但是我敢打賭有人知道
-誰 -混蛋瓊斯
-哦 天 -我們去見見他難道不好嗎
我們才不要去見混蛋瓊斯
因為我們不會去邦架任何人
拜託 那個人可是大師級別的騙錢混蛋
他在行騙界可是頂級的 我們得想清楚
兄弟 看看我們做了什麼
那是記號筆嗎
-等等 記號筆為什麼會在那兒 -你把它放在那兒的
是我把它放那兒的
是你負責採購物資的
我知道 我是負責記號筆的人
現在這些字永遠都在白板上了
這說明了我的觀點 白癡
我們得和一個合法的人談談
我們應該找一個能幫我們奪回公司的人
哈嘍 尼克
救了我命的人
上了我老婆的人
只是口活兒 只是口活兒 並沒有真正上她
你收到我的電子郵件了嗎
我收到了 我簡直要笑死了
我知道伯特·漢森 我喜歡他那副樣子
我也欽佩他不花一分錢
就能讓你們三個白癡累得要死要活的
-啊 看到了嗎 告訴過你這是有說法的 -哇
尼克 告訴我
在沒有百分之三十五的保險金額
來支付生產花銷的情況下
你們為什麼會開始生產
我是說 你們為什麼會那樣做
-他在講笑話嗎 -有什麼好笑的嗎
啊 我們還以為我們
在和有道德的人交易
不 你說錯了 正確答案是
你們全都是白癡
兄弟 他說得夠清楚了
難道不是嗎 對 你說得對
你們覺得我是一個惡老闆
但是 怎麼說呢 我覺得
相對於我而言 你們讓自己的公司破產
毀了你的員工們的生計
聽起來更糟 你覺得呢
-有道理 -我在記筆記 還應該聽電話嗎
他說的我一個字都聽不懂
他用了太多修辭手法
你到底想怎樣 尼克
恕我直言 你知道怎麼虐人
所以如果你能慷慨地
告訴我們一些能拿回錢的建議
下次你的保釋聽證會上
我會為你說幾句好話的 你覺得怎麼樣
-你肯為我這麼做 -當然了
好吧 我可以幫你
他願意幫忙 很好 我帶了筆記本 筆記本
從法律的角度來說
法律的角度
可選的方法有
-方法有 -法律選項
你們去屎吧
我聽到他說 傑克·萊博維茨 他是位律師嗎
-我得記下來 -能給我們他的聯繫方式嗎
即使你們有足夠的錢和他對簿公堂
他的律師們也會一直和你們糾纏下去
讓你們三個操蛋的小可憐
輸得褲子都提不上
你的意思是沒有別的辦法嗎
不 我說的是你什麼都做不了
有很多可以做的事 但你做不了
-想知道為什麼嗎 -不太想
-因為你們沒蛋 所以沒膽 -我知道了
並且你們的老爸們也沒蛋
你們的祖宗都是軟弱無比 畏首畏尾
不敢站出來爭取
屬於自己東西的無蛋鼠輩
以後 你們的子孫也會繼承
你們那空虛 乾癟的蛋囊
-我聽不見 他在說什麼 -好像在說我們的蛋囊
說這幹嘛
為什麼不告訴他我們的綁架計劃
別提綁架的事了
-告訴他我們的綁架計劃 -讓他見識下我們有蛋
你想看別人的蛋嗎 去綁架吧
然後你就出現在這玻璃後面
看到無數的蛋在你額頭前亂晃
為什麼蛋會在我額頭前亂晃
-難道我頭頂上會長蛋嗎 -這說不通啊
-噢 你說的是別人的蛋 -沒錯
你的臉被干了
艸你妹
所以你們計劃用贖金來拯救你們的事業
-正是如此 沒錯 -我們就是這麼想的
能請你告訴這幾個蠢貨這個主意有多蠢嗎
啊 我喜歡這主意
-太好了 看吧 -我就知道他一定會喜歡這主意
你們是為了讓自己的事業繼續走下去
我也曾夢想過自己創業
真好
我想自己開一家的粉紅漿果店
-哈 哈 -你這兩聲乾笑是什麼意思
哦 我以為你在開玩笑
難道你沒見過有多少人排隊
只為買一杯上面有卡嚓船長的冰激凌嗎
我一周要吃三回
-我超愛粉紅漿果 -嘿 你的夢想酷斃了
-你喜歡粉紅漿果 -我是乳糖不耐癥患者
非裔美國人的肚子：非裔美國人乳糖不耐受比例為75%
你這是典型非裔美國人的肚子
黑人因為乳糖可吃了不少苦
哦 好吧
-我們有某種血緣關係 -真酷 兄弟
-大便偏稀麼 -可能吧
-菊花有燒灼感 -我菊花很好
如果有人來買我的粉紅漿果 我一定不會讓他拉肚子
-你會為此奮鬥 -我會把乳糖減半
你不能隨便去綁架一個人
因為你是最後的結果都會很慘
有本事說出一部綁架題材的電影
裏面的綁架者最後沒有死或者沒有被關起來
《朝九晚五》：1981年美國電影，講述三位在工作上受歧視的女職員綁架老闆施以報復
-《朝九晚五》 -《朝九晚五》
-那有本事你再說一部 -說好了一部的
-我說出了一部 -《朝九晚五》是部電影
我知道《朝九晚五》是什麼
講的是有大咪咪的白婊子的故事
-沒錯 -她老了 可是咪咪依舊粉嫩
我才不會根據《朝九晚五》的故事去綁架別人
簡·方達：《朝九晚五》主演之一
-那是因為你就是簡·方達 -你就是前怕狼後怕虎的那個
你是最沒有男子氣概的人 自己拖自己的後腿
你既然不打算參與 那你來這兒幹什麼
莉莉·湯普琳：《朝九晚五》主演之一
首先 我不聰明還有誰聰明 我就是莉莉·湯普琳
後面幾點我就不一一說明了
拜託 我不是莉莉·湯普琳還能有誰是
大衛·歐·拉塞爾：對演員粗暴而聞名的美國導演，曾與莉莉·湯普琳發生過摩擦
坐在椅上 對大衛·歐·拉塞爾說去你妹的
是啊 他和莉莉·湯普琳的態度像極了
-你就是方達 夥計 -你就是簡·方達
多莉·帕頓：《朝九晚五》主演之一，金髮大胸，身高僅1米54，鄉村音樂女王
那你就是多莉·帕頓了
很好啊 這女的有自己的主題公園
-她是世界級寶貝 -兩位世界級寶貝
我能向你們這些殖民者提個問題嗎
殖民時代早就過去了
你們要怎樣讓被綁架的人
不知道自己被綁架了呢
-問得好 -清醒一點 最好還是別去幹這種事
-他就是黑人版的斯芬克斯 我喜歡 -他扔給我們一個謎語
-你怎麼 -巫毒 用巫毒之術
我可以告訴你們答案
-五萬 -不行
-我們不能給 -那就六百
你最好還是別經營粉紅漿果店
-你的談判方式太奇葩了 -我們沒有錢
你要知道 我們來這就是因為我們沒錢 我們破產了
靠 那就把你的表給我
-不行 -把你的表給他
我才不要把表給他 這是瑞士泰格豪雅牌的
我的手腕上少了塊表
快點 這是身外之物 死了又帶不走
如果你告訴我們你的破計劃 我可以借給你
好吧
給他下藥
把表還給我
你們半夜偷偷潛進他家寶貝的房間
在他入睡前
找出他平時飲用的飲料
把迷藥丟進去 輕輕鬆鬆的迷倒他
一直讓他昏睡 直到他老爸付錢
聽起來不是那麼瘋狂 但絕對不值一塊瑞士手錶
-聽起來可行 -沒錯 很棒 說得通
這樣他就不會看到我們的臉了
我就像幽靈一樣 不存在
你說的迷藥指的是
就像迷姦藥 你們打算從哪弄
-我從哪兒弄來 -呃 是啊
就因為我的膚色
我就必須知道從哪兒弄來迷姦藥
-是你提起迷姦藥的 -你的眼睛在罵我是黑鬼
-為什麼你的眼睛要罵他黑鬼 -你眼睛有問題
-你眼睛才有問題 -你從來都不檢查視力嗎
-是的 -你只能看見那一個字母
-我能看見所有的字母 -他眼睛確實有問題
每次看視力表都兩眼發昏
-這太荒唐了 這
太讓人不快了 -讓我問你個問題
你被茱莉亞強姦的時候
她用的什麼讓你昏迷不醒的 笑氣（一種麻醉劑）嗎
-哦 沒錯 -笑氣可以有
-這就好辦了 -你有她辦公室的鑰匙嗎
-沒有 不過我知道密碼 -太棒了
好了 你又做到了
-聲明一下 我沒有種族歧視 -你最棒了 謝謝
-走吧 回見了 -見到你真好
出乎意料的有幫助 我能把我的表要回來嗎
趕緊滾 簡·方達
這個問題很難 你不能同時干三個人 不是嗎
-確實不能 -遊戲不是這麼玩的
那我應該娶了皮特 殺了波比 再干克雷格
-換我也會這麼做 -是嗎
-我覺得這是唯一的方法 -有道理
-怎麼樣 -棒極了
我買了裝備 我認為我們這次要加倍小心
當然 太聰明了
我買了本雜誌 可以剪下字母拼一封綁架信
-絕對不能手寫 -聰明
《二度春》雜誌
當警察們開始分析信的來源時
這可以擾亂他們的思維
-探險家朵拉牌對講器 -太帥了
又不是專賣間諜用品的商店 只是個便利店而已
難道就不能用我們自己的手機嗎
那就用自己的手機
這樣他們就能調出我們的通話記錄
-你都不看新聞嗎 -我的錯
嘿 奧巴馬 我要潛進我的舊辦公室
只有我們三個人在做 又沒有國家安全局打掩護
-我是在為我們著想 -呵呵
-你買剪刀了嗎 -買了
我沒看到你買乳膠手套
乳膠手套 額 太貴了
-多少錢 -九塊錢一雙
-太誇張了 -沒錯吧
那是你唯一需要在商店裏買的
她辦公室裏手套多得數不清
我們就用那些就行
你得需要手套才能進去 這樣才不會留下指紋
沒錯 你這個笨蛋 你難道不知道嗎
對了 我們可以用我包裏的高爾夫手套
他包裏有高爾夫手套
別什麼事都斤斤計較 我是為大家著想
-夥計們 我們又組隊嘍 -哈哈 喔
我來放風
看見巡警了我就通知你們
太棒了 走吧
進行得怎麼樣了 夥計們
我來 我來
一切都好 你那邊怎麼樣 尼克
一切都好 不過
能不能請你別在對講機裏說我的名字
-為什麼 -別人也有可能會在這個頻段上
哦 沒錯 說的對 真聰明
聽你的 那我就叫你亨德裏克斯
也別說我的姓
-我們應該想幾個代號 -沒錯
尼克 你打算用什麼作代號
如果你能別再叫我的名字 我會很感激的
-拿了笑氣趕緊閃人 -收到
刀鋒戰士已獲取目標
-你代號是刀鋒戰士嗎 -沒錯 這就是我的代號 尼克
我們不需要代號 誰在說話我們都知道
代號聽起來多酷啊 我們先想幾個
我會盡快想出一個適合你的代號的
呃 我就用威武雄獅和你對話
我的代號就是威武雄獅
這就對了
我才不會這麼叫你
你這麼說太無禮了 我要問問為什麼
因為你不是叢林貓科動物 而且聽起來很傻
-說得好 -說得好
呃 我們得幫他想一個代號
聖·尼克怎麼樣 -你他媽的已經第四次說我名字了
你們趕緊給我回到車上來 我們好回家
不如這樣 我把雄獅兩個字去了怎麼樣
等一下 等一下
-有人來了 有人來了 -隻叫威武
我愛死了 我喜歡
別再說代號了
一群人剛剛到了停車場
喂喂 快把你的手指從按鈕上拿開
哦 天啊
一個超級辣的妞剛剛把車停在了茱莉亞的車位上
茱莉亞正朝你們走去
把你的手指從按鈕上拿開
啊 靠 兩個傻缺
算了 反正不是我的錯
又不是我的錯
我還沒做任何犯法的事 我可以直接開車走人
我可以直接開車回家
不 我不能這麼做 不能這麼做
他們絕對會告發我的
我們這就回去
雞已離盤 完畢 完畢
-我覺得是雞已離棚 -什麼
完畢完畢 聽起來像那麼回事
哦 靠
把吃的東西放在那邊吧
我們把這些椅子圍起來
戴爾
科特
上帝 請寬恕我們
哦 靠 他們是邪教 是邪教
與生俱來的嗜性成癮的缺點
-嗜性成癮 -是嗜性成癮互助會
太棒了
能夠出席今天聚會的人 為你們感到自豪
靠
怎麼了
嗨 我 呃
你知道的
我遇到了麻煩
-省省吧 -好吧
他們這周發生了一些事情
這位先生在走廊上徘徊
哦 靠 尼克被抓了
他說他遇到了麻煩
-是的 -我們都遇到了麻煩
你不用害怕 在這裏你很安全
好的
抱歉我來晚了 你好嗎 兄弟
托比 麻煩你去拿把椅子過來
讓這位年輕人加入我們
好吧 呃
-天啊 呃 -寶貝 你叫什麼名字
我叫 呃
我叫布蘭斯頓
你好 布蘭斯頓 -大家好
對於一個對代號不感興趣的人來說
-大轉折 -大膽的選擇
-我愛死了 -是啊
-有新成員能來到這個組真好 -謝謝
-新鮮 可愛的小鮮肉 -嘿
茱莉亞 放輕鬆 布蘭斯頓
你能和我們分享一下是什麼指引你醒悟的呢
啊 好吧 我的癮很重
對我來說一直很難 我難以控制
他以為他在戒酒互助會
和男人們混在一起
通常情況下 都是我最慘
一個接一個的吸 有時候甚至雙管齊下 就像
啊 啊 啊 你知道嗎 你肯定知道我在說什麼
所以說你的性癮 實際上是同性戀
我的性癮 我的性癮是 呃
你剛剛說什麼來著
-你喜歡干男人 -不 我的性癮是干女人
-哦 -你知道的 我是異性戀
無聊
-哦 靠 我要尿尿 -什麼
-我要尿尿 我一緊張就想尿尿 抱歉 -噓
-去吧 快去 -聲音會很大啊
不 不 把你的老二壓進便池裏
-哦 坐下來尿嗎 好吧 -是的
夠不著 -什麼
我夠不著 應該是夠得著的嗎
我是說 我不知道對不對 但是
-我把坐便墊掀起來 -嗯 掀起來就行
-屁股壓低一點 -哦 天啊
完事
噓 噓 噓
-哦 靠 抱歉 -噓 沒事
-抱歉 我習慣沖廁所 -沒事
好了 我要洗手了
-不行 你怎麼能洗手呢 -啊
-你怎麼能洗手呢 -我習慣洗手啊
-你戴著手套呢 -但是總感覺手上有東西
好吧 小聲點就行 洗吧 洗吧
我必須洗手 不然整個人都不好了
噓
噢 我的天 戴爾 快停下
你這樣一點都不像偷偷溜進來的
-不洗的話很噁心 -我也要尿尿了
-你也要去尿尿 -沒錯
你用另一隻手打高爾夫嗎
-別吹口哨 -我必須吹口哨
這樣我才能順利尿尿
噓 噓 噓
-聽著 -你為什麼要衝廁所
-我就是沖廁所了 -為什麼
-這是個好習慣 -媽的
噓
-裏面有什麼嗎 -媽的 她過來了 快躲起來
但是曾經有一次 有過一次
如果大家都守口如瓶
我願意和大家分享這件事
你這樣會出事的 別掉在我身上了
放心 我在社區中心上過跑酷課
噢 他讓她回座位了
-呃 當時我還是個孩子 -當時你多大
-我不記得了 還很年輕吧 -十四歲
當時大概是吧 兩個十四歲的男孩在露營
我們都不知道我們是在幹什麼
就只是摔跤
噢 摔跤營 十四歲
有意思
-他說的是真的嗎 -我
我不知道 但是 我是說 如果
-他挺厲害的 不是嗎 -確實 不錯
-你們穿那種緊身連體衣了嗎 -還是運動衫
-是那樣叫的嗎 -沒錯 就是運動衫
緊身的氨綸布料可以顯出
陰莖輪廓的那種
-我的天 -我感到渾身發熱了
好了 還有誰願意分享故事
-不 不 說說你那東西吧 -什麼
那小男孩的那個是怎樣的 多脈紋的 還是平滑的
剛長出小龜頭 像食蟻獸一樣
這 我也不知道 就很普通
-剛發育的陰莖 -我沒這麼說過 但是
團隊中有個同性戀也不錯 對吧
-這讓我們的團隊更多樣化 -沒錯
這陰莖有沒有
不知不覺 進入你的嘴裏
-上帝啊 -茱莉亞 別說了
-你別再耍花招了 -什麼花招
提早結束談話好讓她可以再干一個的同性戀
-真的嗎 -她總是想得到她得不到的東西
放鬆 好嗎 他不是同性戀
他十四歲就碰到了雞巴
但卻沒進入他嘴裏
-如果你聽我說完的話 -這麼說你含過了
-你是在問我有沒有含過雞巴 -我知道你含過了
我就想聽到你自己說
-布蘭斯頓 你不用勉強 -閉嘴
-閉嘴讓他繼續說 你含過雞巴了吧 -拜託快說是
你想知道我含沒含過雞巴
你有沒有像含雪糕一樣含過雞巴
-你想知道答案 -快告訴我吧
我不僅含過雞巴 睪丸 還舔過小孩子的屁眼兒
就知道你做過這事 因為你是名同性戀
我一直都是彎的 從沒直過
你還知道我從沒幹過什麼嗎
-跟女人上床 -休會
-大家都走吧 -狗娘養的
走吧 快點 快點 走吧
再見 就是這樣 很好
茱莉亞 你被性癮沖昏了頭
去你的 洛茲 反正也沒人喜歡你
好吧
-我們準備干吧 -開始吧
你在牙醫椅上幹過嗎
我一直都想這麼干
-他是個男的 -我會讓你忘了他的
你為什麼不先去把椅子準備好呢
我先去一下洗手間
你可以尿在我身上啊
呃 那個 我要
所以呢
額 內個 第一次和女人做
我還是悠著點吧
隨你吧
-你們倆太吵了 我們走吧 -抱歉 抱歉
恭喜 我為你說出心事而感到驕傲
-我不是同性戀 我馬上就出來 好嗎 -你不走嗎
我覺得如果我突然不見了會有點可疑
所以要繼續演下去
-我們該走了 -我還以為你是個同性戀
我不是 快走吧 快走吧 我馬上就出來
噢 我知道了 你是雙性戀
我也不是雙性戀
不是雙性戀嗎
-你有S嗎 我要個S -S 有
-這個怎麼樣 -呃 有沒有看起來更恐怖的S
嗯 有 這個
這是從新娘酷斯拉的文章裏弄下來的
嗯 信完成了 要我把拼好的信讀給你聽嗎
-嗯 當然 -好的
給我們五十萬美元
否則你的孩子就死定了
你只有一天的時間
真希望你能讀給他聽 你的聲音聽著真可怕
所以我需要令人害怕的字母
真希望他讀信的時候能聽到那樣可怕的聲音
但為什麼是小男孩 聽起來像是6歲小孩
總不能寫 否則你的成年兒子死定了
-你說得對 當然不行 -這簡直
好了 固體膠給我
-我要把這個粘好 -哦 好的
第一份草稿 也是最後一份
-對吧 -幹得好
說實話
我真不是自誇
我覺得我們很擅長綁架
我們超級擅長
我不想說什麼 這比謀殺要好多了
-比謀殺好得多 -我們找到專長了
-這很有趣 -是很有趣
-沒有人會受傷 -我一直都想寫一封勒索信
-到齊了 我們出發吧 -啊
狗娘養的
早知道我邊拼邊貼了
啊
嘿 和我說說 感覺怎樣
從來沒有遇到過這種情況
什麼 跟女人上床嗎
我是說 她是如此的放蕩 她的身材是如此的迷人
所有的性能量
從柔情深處流淌出來 你明白嗎
那地方叫陰道 尼克
拜託別這麼說 我們走吧
聽聽 他開始有保護欲了
你說得你好像愛上了她
什麼 你愛上她了嗎 尼克
沒有 戴爾
你在那逗留了那麼久
那是段安靜的時光
我沒有愛上她 那太荒唐了
她給了我豐富又積極的經驗
哦 是嗎 比摔跤營感覺更好嗎
噢 不錯的房子
他過得不錯
混得真好
-好了 我們討論下計劃 -深呼吸 行動
嘿 你們不能
就把車這麼停在他家門前吧
難道你要把失去知覺的人質拖回去嗎
他很重的 我們走吧
有道理 很有道理
等等 你們不能就這麼徑直走到他家前門
你能冷靜下嗎 我們是有計劃的
我們有計劃的 放鬆
真的嗎 那太好了 這讓我覺得靠譜點
-你準備好了嗎 -是的 我準備好了
看著吧 走
-啊 媽的 -媽的
-糟了 -門上鎖了
A5842F34里沒考慮到門有可能上鎖嗎
有50%的可能它能打開
-你怎麼知道 -要麼鎖了 要麼沒鎖
-就是50%嘛 -這是基礎數學
你今晚怎麼了
-把你的信用卡給我 -好的
-B63EA6405里有信用卡嗎 -快點
-你們的計劃真糟糕 -你的數學真糟糕
這就是事實
-等等 萬一他在家呢 -哦 你說的有道理
-我們怎麼知道 -你們要不要按一下門鈴
-好主意 真聰明 -別按 科特
媽的 你在開玩笑嗎
-裏面很黑 我覺得裏面沒人 -別按了
-你們聽到了嗎 -我知道這曲子
-是什麼 -是首歌 對吧 是
#無論你做什麼#
別唱了 別唱了
#我會一直在你身邊#
-誰唱的 -壞手指樂隊
#不管你做什麼 女孩兒#
安靜
#喔 女孩兒 和你在一起#
你們猜對了
#按在古老的灰色牆上#
他媽的給我閉嘴
-嘿 你在咆哮 -噓 噓 你在咆哮
幫個忙 快點
趕快打開前門
我們就能離開這兒了
-噢 見鬼 -哦
-什麼見鬼 發生什麼了 -出了點問題
-看到了嗎 就在那兒 -該死的
-在那兒 正盯著我們 -好吧 現在怎麼辦
我看我們聽你的 離開這兒吧
-嗯 我們走吧 -不 等等 我的信用卡還在那裏呢
-打電話掛失吧 -他們隔天會給你張新卡的
等他們發現那張卡
他們就知道我們來過這兒了 就這麼簡單
-媽的 -他們會知道你來過這兒
走 快上車
-你在幹嘛 -用手做掩護
那是她老婆嗎
不 那輛車是93本田思域 她還拿著乾洗的衣服
她應該是個女傭
她娶了個女傭
雷克斯先生 你在家嗎
是我 金宋
我把我幹洗好的衣服拿過來了
-好了 我拿到了 -哇
他品味真不錯
卡彎了 該死的
-優美簡潔的線條 色彩的巧妙使用 -走吧
-走 -什麼
我們剛進來 再多待一會
她也是 我們快走吧
你要取消計劃嗎
-快回來 他在家 -為什麼 誰在家
-雷克斯 -哦 媽蛋
金 你在這
金 你把我襯衫拿來了嗎
-是的 雷克斯先生 我現在就去把衣服掛起來 -好的
等等 小金金
-看看這個 告訴我你看到了什麼 -呃
你幹嘛把這些亂七八糟的東西留在我水槽裏
水嗎
沒錯 這些佈滿我水槽底部的小水珠
我不知道你是在什麼茅房裏長大的
但是這很噁心
但這只是水啊
好吧
你被解雇了
你失去工作了 真是個壞消息
再見
哈哈 看看你 又被我耍了
看看你這豐滿的小臉蛋
你以為我會在你生日時解雇你嗎
你忘了嗎 宮崎太太 過來
來這兒 生日快樂
給你買了樣禮物
這是個好東西
是極品 這就像凱迪拉克的活塞
但是就在這用 好嗎
-別帶回家 -好
怎麼了
不 我一點都不忙
我只是在給我女傭慶祝 今天是她的生日
嘿 金 但是 說真的
從今天起就保持水槽乾淨好嗎
好的 雷克斯先生
怎麼了
不 去你的
金
噢
哥們 我盡力 我爸在金錢上完全是個王八蛋
她在幹嘛
-哦 我的天 -她在幹嘛
-科特 科特 -怎麼了 怎麼了
哦 媽的 那是我幹的事 她在做我做的事
我真不敢相信她竟然幹這種事
她放的還不夠深
-你覺得她只是在清洗嗎 -真是個新手
好了 她走了 好了
傻金
-他來了 -好的 噓
-哦 天哪 他要刷牙了 -真的
-他要刷牙了 -他要刷牙了
-快刷牙 -快刷
太好了
好好把牙刷漂亮 刷乾淨 你這狗娘養的
真爽
等等 現在怎麼樣
我們在幹嘛 現在我們怎麼辦
我們等他上床
戴爾打開笑氣 我放勒索信
-不是現在打開 -他說了 戴爾 打開笑氣
我說了 戴爾打開笑氣
待會兒 你個白癡 快關掉 我們不能把氣體放到這兒
好的 我會把信放在
-快關掉 -我在關 好像壞了
你在開玩笑嗎 換個方向轉
我轉了無數圈了 我覺得它壞了 不能關 你來看看
-它不起作用了 -我們快出去
-什麼 他就在外面 -噓
媽的 他就在那 把罐子扔出去吧
別笑 有什麼好笑的
看看你的臉 看看他的臉 哈哈
-哦 不 -夥計 你的臉
氣體 是不是因為這個氣體
不不不 別笑
嘿 聽著 控制好自己
沒錯 是這個氣體的原因
-效果太棒了 -控制好情緒
我本來要打他的
-夥計們 -不行了
哦 我很好 我很好 我們去
該死的 科特 科特 你手機
你手機 快接電話
-知道了 知道了 -我們在哪
-關掉它 -為什麼你老婆給我打電話
哦 該死的 她大概快崩潰了
我昨晚沒回家
安靜
兄弟 把你該死的頭從我胯上拿走
你要一整天
都在這欣賞這該死的景色麼 逗我呢
-他應該已經走了 -太難以置信了
-床被整理過了 -我簡直不敢相信
我們應該檢查一下
-嗨 雷克斯 -嗨
-雷克斯 雷克斯
戴爾
如果他還在家你要怎麼辦
-我還沒想這麼多誒
-你笨的可以了
-有什麼好擔心的 -我們走吧
-你知道的 有一半的可能他還在這 -哦好吧
要知道 我回家的時候史黛西會瘋了的
-什麼樣的爸爸每天都不著家 -閉嘴
這場集體行動裏最糟糕的
就是你的顧家心了
我們很幸運
我們只是在衣櫃裏待了一晚
我們差點做了我們一生中最糟糕的決定
是啊 知道為什麼嗎 如果他
打開了櫃子發現了我們 我們現在已經在監獄了
好了 所以我們非常非常的幸運
他媽的這都是什麼事啊
我告訴你 任何出現在我們
生命中的事情都是注定的 我們無法推脫
我們不是罪犯 我們在犯罪方面糟糕透了 我們是好人 普通人
-我喜歡棒球 我穿著褲子呢 -是是
-回去算機器的成本 -齒輪 齒輪 兄弟
齒輪是好的
只是個安慰 知道嗎
就像你變輕了 怎麼樣呀
-這是一個新的開始 一切都
-我晚些給你們打電話
-請不要殺我 -該死的
-哦 該死的 -見鬼的這是什麼
見鬼的這是什麼 我們做了什麼
我們在他氮中毒的時候把他綁架了
然後又回到壁櫥裏繼續睡覺啦
-我們為什麼要這麼做 -噓 噓 什麼
他在哭
哦 上帝啊 太棒了
這太棒了
拉我出去
看看你們 看看
我真想親親你的臭臉
-哦 上帝 -嗨 夥計
哈 你騙到我們了
哦 喔
-這是什麼情況 -不知道
-這是什麼情況 -哦 夥計
天啊 你們這些傢伙 謝謝你們
我已經很久沒這麼笑過了
天啊 該死的 這太棒了 精神糧食
好吧 我們只是想開個玩笑
-懂嗎 沒有傷害 沒有犯罪 -哦 當然
夥計們 我太低估你們了
你們這些笨蛋總幹一些蠢事
說真的 印象太深刻了
我是說 我起床 發現你們三個在我的壁櫥裏
和一封勒贖信和一個老化的大氮罐
我就像 天啊
我想過要叫警察 但一秒之後
這些人可能對我很有用
我需要搭檔去做一些事
-什麼事 你在說什麼
-我不知道你在說什麼
-就是這件事 我被綁架 哦
說實話 波普和我
我們之間出了問題
他拒絕為我支付一些費用
一個很長的故事 總之你出現得真是
巧得不能在巧了 這特麼是金槍魚嗎
雷克斯 這很酷 但是我們決定 嗯 我們不做了
-我們不想犯罪 -不關我們的事
是的 他是對的 事實上 綁架並沒有成功
-是嗎 不不不 它成功了 -不 沒有成功
不 已經足夠好了 我把勒贖信寄給我爸爸了
-你幹嘛了 -你寄出去了
它太棒了 誰會想到
我在這個事件裏充當了這個不起眼的角色
-太漂亮了 -謝謝
我覺得有一點被侮辱 你竟然只要五十萬
我就值這點嗎
所以我順便在後邊加了個零
-五億 -這麼多
-是五百萬 夥計們 -五百萬
-五百萬 -五 是的
是的 五百萬 一百萬是你們這些傢伙的 四百萬是我的
為什麼我們不打這個勒索電話
是的 雷克斯 我們不打
我們很欣賞這個方案
也謝謝你沒有叫警察 但是我們不做了
-不 -是的
夥計們 夥計們 為什麼要拒絕這種好事
按我說的去做完成你的計劃
我會給你雙倍的錢
另外 這會比你們之前
容易千百倍 現在 我是內應
我可以保證我爸爸會付錢的
然後當你 嗯 放了我
我會告訴警察是其他人做的
哦 還不壞
-這比我們之前的計劃好 要好很多
給我們一點時間
你們怎麼了
-我們不能相信那傢伙 -你們可以相信我
不 你是對的 他們己經毀了我們一次了
我們不能再吃第二次虧
-想得美 我們心領了
-我們是尼克科特戴爾 -尼克 科特 戴爾
-所以 謝謝你 但是再見 -好吧
-好吧 你需要車嗎
不要 我想我還會呆在這的
要知道 逃離你的魔爪
然後叫警察
滾 叫他們呀 我們沒有綁架你
-不 你做了 -我們沒有
-這很明顯 你們挾持了我 -我們沒有
哦 然後你把我帶到了這裏
-我掙扎 -哦 該死的 拜託
東西被打破
什麼
然後 你打我
-哦 該死的 -什麼
他瘋了
嗨 雷克斯 這不值得 朋友
然後你不停的打我 無比殘忍
該死的 他在自己打自己 我們成了罪犯
然後 我想盡辦法站起來 接著 我發現了這個電話
我拿起來聽筒 -哦不
我按了9
-不 不要 -拜託 玩笑該結束了
-1 -不要再按了
-不要這樣 啊 -不要按它
我不知道我要去哪
我不知道你在哪找到的付費電話
公園那有付費電話 -好
夥計們 我們開始了 冒險開始了 有沒有興奮
哎
不要這麼沉默 這簡直是謀殺 夥計們 拜託
-你能過去一點嗎 就一點點
-啊 不 我坐中間
-那是他的座位 -我們是一個整體 雷克斯
我知道 你擠到我了 -我擠到他了
他強迫我們綁架他 還說我擠到他了
哦 夥計 冷靜點
綁架是你們的主意 記住了
-但我們可以放棄這個主意 -是的 沒錯
-我要坐中間 -好吧好吧
戴爾 照他說的做 -哦 看在上帝的份上
哦 天啊 太棒了
這這位置不錯
廢話
打擾一下 哈瑞斯醫生 昨天晚上辦公室有人嗎
額 我的性癮癥組8點在這碰的面
好吧 但是醫生 電腦出入記錄上顯示之前有人來過
真的
讓我們檢查一下新的監控系統
這是一對同志 太不可思議了
他看上去不像同志
他只是有點愛哭
他對自己感到噁心 這很奇怪
-太不可思議了 朱莉亞：是的 我也這麼認為
這是戴爾嗎
他和科特還有布朗斯坦在幹嘛
-要我報警嗎 不要
不用
我來解決吧
欣賞吧
姿勢不少呢 學學吧
好 電話通了
記住 你們掌握著全部的主動權
遊戲開始了 你們要搞定這事
等一下 他知道我的聲音 我們要帶點口音
-不要帶口音 這太可笑了 -好主意 科特
滾動礫石
-是誰 秘書-啊
嗨 親耐得 我們要和伯特·漢森先生通話
不 我不介意等等
我只是最近很少給你打電話了
-這是令人難以置信的種族主義 -超級種族主義
用南部口音
南部 我會南部口音 沒問題
我是漢森
哦 你好 朋友
呃 這有個紳士 你兒子在他手上
好了 我們來談談
-南部 不是老採礦者 -我覺得還好
聽著 可憐蟲
我沒有時間浪費在這種小事上
要是你不聽話乖乖付錢
我們就開槍把你腦袋打稀爛
閉嘴 你嚇不著我們 你兒子在我們手上
-我打賭這事絕對急得你茶飯不思
-我怎麼知道我兒子真的在你們手上
爸爸
爸爸 是你嗎 拜託了 他們瘋了
他們說如果你告訴警察 他們就會殺了我
拜託 拜託了 按他們說的做吧 我不想死 爸爸
別報警 啊
-天吶 -雷克斯 雷克斯 你在哪
現在 聽清楚了 準備好
五百萬現金
我們只要面值一百美元的
沒記號的 -沒記號的
-沒追蹤器的 -沒追蹤器的真鈔
否則 我們就把你漂亮的兒子
用我們最粗糙的麻繩
吊起來
勒死
明白了嗎 在他死之前你還有二十四小時
-對了 -就是這麼幹的
走吧 行
兄弟們 這太棒了
真是太有意思了
-絕對的 你們真是太不可思議了
-謝謝你給我們買零食 兄弟 -你們應得的
那現在怎麼辦 我們要幹嘛
-好的 -計劃是什麼
-要我說我們就回到辦公室去 恩恩
好嗎 保持低調等一會
等著大把的票子蜂擁而至
-咻咻 -咻咻 寶貝兒
-哦 聲音開大點
我喜歡這歌 -我們就要成了
我不想掃你們的興 但是
雷克斯 你沒說贖金交易地點
那通常就是人們被抓住的地方
喔噢 贖金交易地點只會在警察摻和進來的時候有難度
對 但如果他真還就叫了警察呢
因為那樣就不好了
他是個億萬富翁 他不會為了區區五百網就拿我的命冒險的
再加上科特的一點表演
他絕對不會報警的
我的表演 怎麼不說你的 你那會真是太入戲了
-你也那麼覺得 -你真是太棒了 你也是
別再奉承他了 行嗎
-每個人都做的很出色 -哇哦 鎮定點
等等 閉嘴 閉嘴 閉嘴 是史黛西
哦 天吶 我忘了打給她了 呃 嗨 寶貝兒
-你整晚都在哪兒 事情是這樣的
我在辦公室睡著了 然後
真的嗎 我手機上顯示你不在辦公室
嘿 什麼 你現在是在騙我嗎 戴爾
-看 你現在情緒低落並且 -哦 該死
哦 天吶 該死的 -他報警了
-哦 我們完了 -完了麼 天吶
-我們不會完的 -繼續開
我們怎麼能完呢
-太晚了 盧佩看見我們了
進去 把頭放我大腿上
寶貝兒 沒人的頭在我大腿上
是那幫傢伙在說話 不說了掛了
隱蔽 隱蔽 隱蔽 操蛋
-我們就鎮定冷靜的走進去 該死
-嗨 -先生們
-這公司是你們的嗎 這個地方
我不知道 你們真的認為一生會擁有什麼嗎
-我們是最近租的
-就是些材料 電子 質子之類的
-對 我們擁有它 -嚴格意義上來講
我問你們 你們的公司
和伯特·漢森先生有業務往來嗎
-巴伯 范森 沒印象
真的沒印象
-我不覺得我們和他有業務往來 -我不認識
那還真有意思 我聽說的版本是 你們和他一起工作
而且他對你們不怎麼地道
-哦 伯特 -哦 伯特·漢森
-對 -是他說的嗎
伯特·漢森 哦 對 我們認識他 那個傢伙
我們是有些業務糾紛
沒什麼大問題
過去的事了 -我們對他非常友好
你們真是寬容
因為和我談過的每個人都說他是個混球
-你們那麼認為嗎 -我明白的
強勁的詞彙 我不知道我會不會這麼說誒
我們喜歡那個傢伙
也沒想到他的兒子會被綁架
綁架
誰說了有關綁架的事兒
呃
-我想說是你吧 -我沒有
-我聽你說了 -我沒有
-我覺得你說了 -我確定我聽見了
你說了 綁架 我就在想 多奇怪的詞兒
-不應該是 被捉住嗎 -不 我沒有 我說了嗎
-我覺得您可能說了 長官 -你確定嗎
好吧 我有點被他們嘰裏呱啦的
搞迷糊了 但很確定
好吧 可能我說了
-嘿 真是漫長的一周
我們保持聯繫
好的 任何時候只要你想 放心
因為重要的是是你說的
別說了 別說了
你已經說了太多的 太多的話了
你要去哪 過來
到這來 我們走這邊
我不想讓你感謝我 回家享受天倫之樂吧
享受剩下的休息日吧 大家 你們贏來的
啊 呃
警察只是例行檢查
確保我們晚上鎖了店門
你們知道的 他們要保持社區安全 他們是英雄
-好了 全都打發了 -噓
-不 所有人都走了 -不 不 他
他很沮喪
我很清楚我們生命處在危險之中
不管怎麼說他都叫了警察
對 既然他報警了
那麼很明顯 我們
不能再繼續這場騙局了
五百網萬美元對他來說不算什麼
但我想他把那個看的比我的命還重
哦 奧
-我是他的兒子 天吶 -哦 兄弟 我們有個小哭包了
-你看他哭的時候眼睛變得多藍
-對不起 這真他媽他難堪了
-哦 不 不 不 不 -不
這有廁紙 你可以擤擤鼻子
就因為你你爸爸叫了警察
但這並不意味著他不愛你
不 當然不是了 哦 我的天哪
我相信這只是他的本能反應
-他嚇著了 迷惑了 -這是本能的 我是說 戴爾是個父親
我是個父親
你能想像如果有人偷了你一個孩子嗎
-我不能想像 -你也會叫警察的
不 我 不覺得我會叫警察 我不能冒那個險
-不同的情境 -該死 對不起
不好的例子
也許給他些私人空間會有幫助的
我們為什麼不到外面去 給他些時間呢
我們會回來的 別幹傻事
-放輕鬆 我不想讓他 -我們只是希望
我能到外面談談嗎 拜託
哦 孩子 -兄弟 我真是為那個傢伙感到悲傷
我知道 你在逗我嗎 可憐的傢伙
-我是說 這真是糟心 糟心
-你們現在是在逗我嗎
他爸出賣了他 五百萬對他來說什麼都不算
九牛一毛 那傢伙真有錢
那深深的打動了我 有點同情心 行嗎
明白現在發生什麼了嗎
你現在心懷惡意 對就是那樣
-你現在身體健康但會得癌癥的 -你會的
-我不想那麼做 就讓過去成為過去吧
我們又不在那操蛋的過去
我們在這該死的現在 你們
你們在說什麼
你們現在就像是患上了斯德哥爾摩綜合征
那是什麼
-什麼 像是時差反應那種嗎 -不
我看起來很累嗎 -不 你沒有
-你看起來不累 -我很好
斯德哥爾摩綜合征是你和抓了你的人在一起時
哦 好的 好吧 那麼等下 他是人質啊
那麼這就和斯德哥爾摩綜合征相反了
對 而且我們沒患上 行嗎
他真的 真的 是個討人喜歡的傢伙 我太喜歡他了
-他真的太討人喜歡了 -那傢伙是人生贏家
在人生贏家周圍真的很好
-哦 兄弟 這感覺真好
尼克 拜託 -這就是我們要做的
我們走進去 告訴他警察從來都不在計劃之內
然後現在就結束 就這麼做
-好吧 但聽完我說說化膿的事
-就像你不能參加對話似的
這本來是個好主意 但不成功
所以我認為最好的辦法就是取消這個計劃
然後你就告訴警察
那些抓了你的人嚇跑了
放你走了 他們早就走了
-他們沒有全被嚇跑
-現在還不是撤退的時候 孩子們
我們砍一隻腳趾寄給他並要求雙倍贖金
-現在 你是說 砍掉 砍 砍 -對 等等 誰的腳趾
-不是 不是 不是我的 -沒人的腳趾
留著你的腳趾 是時候放棄了
尼克 尼克 拜託
-尼克 看看我 -哦
看著 兄弟 如果我們現在就放棄 我倒是沒什麼事 你懂嗎
但是你們兄弟們 你們的員工 上帝啊
-戴爾的小兒子們 -女兒們 科特
-嘿 謝了 對 -對 你們都完了
尼克 拜託 拜託
每次遇到困難你不能就這麼乖乖等死
-不能乖乖等死 -你的再小心些
-你必須得拿到屬於你的 -拿著
在上面寫上你的名字
寫上你的名字然後說 這是我的
然後拿走
我覺得我能解決 行嗎
-他會解決的 -他會解決 在這聽著
-這就是你們要的辦法 不是我們
-特麼閉嘴 -對不起 雷克斯 對不起
-他能搞定 拜託 兄弟
幫我等於幫你 報復我混賬的老爹
你還能賺到一百萬美元 -對
-孩子 這聽起來真不錯 但是這不會成功的
不是的 這個怎麼樣
如果我們集思廣益怎麼樣
來點頭腦風暴
如果我們想不到
你喜歡的贖金計劃 我們就放棄
-然後你會讓我們走嗎 -我保證
但如果我們想到了一些真的令人興奮的點子
那我們就加入進行下去
好的 我不能阻止任何人來場頭腦風暴
你尊好
-好吧 -樓上吧 兄弟
陰道的陰拼音有沒有G啊
好的
我們從頭捋一遍
好的 首先我們在
第三大街的一間廢棄倉庫裏把雷克斯綁起來
然後我們用臨時電話打給伯特 電話是事先準備好的並且是不能被追蹤的
去第四大街的長椅上放贖金
時間不夠追蹤電話
該死
這幫傢伙是專業的
在袋子裏放一個追蹤器
警察會派他們所有人盯著那座橋的
武器準備 瞄準
好了 戰術指揮 紅隊
開始吧
但當他到那時
會找到我事先放在那的臨時電話
然後我們用第二部臨時電話打給他
告訴他去鬧市
嗨
你把車開進
曼陀羅酒店地下停車場4421位
在那兒 你會找到一個紅色的袋子
把錢移到那個袋子裏
然後把車開出在放贖金的地方等著
我們會告訴他如果有任何人跟著他
我們就撕票
當伯特開進地下
警察就會丟失信號
但當他到時 他見到的會是你們仨而不是袋子
喬裝的 有武器的 危險的
-好的 但槍是沒子彈的吧
對吧 -當然沒有 沒人會受傷 拜託
然後叫他給我他的夾克和領帶
那麼當我爸帶著另一個袋子再次出現在警察視線裏
就像他被指示的那樣
-長官 我們的信號回來了 -謝天謝地
開車的就已經不是我爸了 是我們的替身
-我們在跟著他 長官 -你怎麼知道那是他
錢還在我手上他們叫我去別處交贖金
我猜那是他 跟緊他
然後我開到斯台普斯中心
國王隊對溫哥華隊戰況激烈 那地方堵得水洩不通
警察們會跟著錢
等到綁架的人拿到贖金
漢森到那 放下錢
我們抓到他了 抓住他
趴下
狗娘養的
等到警察知道他們被騙時
科特就會想鬼魂一樣消失
然後尼克和戴爾拿著錢消失
然後 最終 我從地獄一樣的囚牢裏被解救
謝謝你 我爸在哪
爸爸
一周之後 等到風聲過去
我們就坐在泳池邊 分錢
下雨了 誰想要 足夠分得了
看看什麼來了 誰想要些龍舌蘭
-是現金 -謝謝 寶貝兒
嘿 哇哦 戴爾
把你的孩子抱走
讓他們享受泳池吧 讓我享受下錢
-他們甚至都不被允許進到泳池裏
-我不能不想
-兄弟 兄弟 兄弟 你能停會嗎
拜託 別吵了 好嗎 我們想出了絕妙的點子
這真聰明 真有創造力
你知道嗎 你們一直讓我深受感動
-我為你們感到驕傲 -謝了 兄弟們
-是你想出的大部分 我沒有
-是你 -那是謊話 這是團隊合作
是你想出來的進到地下車庫裏 丟失信號
那真是妙極了 科特想出了臨時電話的事
-那出自 俠盜獵車
我得到靈感 -天才 戴爾 呃
我想到的是
先用高空滑索 接著是蹦床和滑板
但是尼克拒絕了 如果你記得的話
沒錯 那不是個好主意
這真是個餿主意
你老是有很多餿主意
但最後會引出好主意 那就是有價值的
謝了 老兄
好了 尼克 聽著 我還是會信守諾言的
如果你覺得這行不通的話 我們可以取消它
這由你來決定 朋友
我們上哪兒買無法追蹤的電話呢
-哈 哈 -這就對了 這才是我們的夥伴
-這個傢伙終於 -就該如此
用比特幣預付
破解版
絕對無法追蹤
-我們買了 -謝謝 太棒了 謝謝你 大混蛋
祝你們好運 小伙子們
-你在笑什麼 -我只是說了祝你們好運而已
你那明明是陰笑
你剛是帶著陰笑說的
我的意思是你們這幫傢伙也許需要一點小忠告
-我就知道 不必了 謝謝 -不必了我們挺好的
是嗎 那麼就放手去幹吧
那是我要說的 放手去幹
-等一下 -我不喜歡這樣
-我想要聽聽他要說什麼 -現在你想要聽嗎
你成功讓我們三人之一上鉤了
這需要付你公司百分之五十一的股份
你他媽簡直瘋了
那就付你公司百分之二的股份
你談判的方式果然夠奇葩
明天公司就不存在了 你可以擁有它
-應該折中一下才對 -我的忠告是 年輕人
你們都是罪犯
-這絕不是什麼好的忠告 -我沒聽到什麼忠告
這不是真的 我們都不是罪犯 好麼
-我們都是被逼入絕境的 -閉嘴
看到沒 你們不可能魚和熊掌兼得
每次你們來這裏 就說
「我們是幫樂天派的人
這並不是我們自己的過錯
只是我們碰到了另一個困境
不得已才這樣的」真是一派胡言
你們他媽就是罪犯 你們要殺死自己的老闆們
結果其中一人死了
而現在你們又想犯綁架罪
你們仨是我此生從未見過的
最瘋狂的混蛋罪犯
你們想要把這件事做成功嗎
你們必須表現得像犯罪一樣
說得好
好尷尬
我們正在展示超酷的慢動作步行
-來吧 老兄 -很簡單的
-到此為止 走吧 -你要上哪兒
像弱智一樣 太羞恥了
來嘛 老兄 我們一起慢步行走吧
你必須得跟我們一起玩兒
你認為怎樣 我應該再打自己幾下嗎
不 你不需要再打自己了
我想我們應該要打電話了
等等 在我們開始之前 我能說兩句嗎
我真的 額 對這種事不太擅長
我媽媽在我四歲的時候就去世了 而且
知道嗎 如果你被伯特·漢森撫養長大
而你大多數的朋友都是群白癡
額
沒錯 我知道我把你們都拖入了這件事 但是我不後悔
因為
我真的很開心能夠遇到你們這幫傢伙
總之 我想要你們收下這個
-這是什麼 -這是個真實的《鐵血戰士》裏面的尖牙
-電影《鐵血戰士》 -是的
我想要你們收下它
-真的嗎 -是的 我對天發誓
你喜歡《鐵血戰士》嗎
沒錯 我喜歡《鐵血戰士》
-科迪呢 -是的 沒錯 我也喜歡《鐵血戰士》
我的意思是也喜歡 不是說續集
-尼克 -噢 好吧
我第一次看《鐵血戰士》的時候並不怎麼喜歡
但之後卻慢慢喜歡上了
我非常喜歡《鐵血戰士》
我們是在談他還是在談《鐵血戰士》
我不太懂隱喻
-我們開始打電話吧 -它把我搞糊塗了
大多數都不太懂
是我
你準備好錢了嗎
-是的 我準備好了 -很好
現在我要你漫步到第四街大橋
你走到橋中間就會看到一個長凳 在那兒把錢放下
你獨自一人帶我們所議定的金額前來
如果你照做
很快你就能看到兒子回家了
第四街大橋 他要他把錢扔在橋的一邊
現在 我要那兒每寸地方都受到監視
但大家要保持一段安全的距離
沒錯 但不要太安全了 明白嗎
守住這袋錢才是他媽的首要目標
不 事實上 你兒子的安全才是我們的首要目標
隨你 你知道我的意思
是的 我想我知道
有誰發現什麼情況了嗎
橋上還是沒有動靜 頭兒
漢森在接近 預計抵達時間 兩分鐘
刀鋒戰士已就位
莫扎迪斯 就位
我已就
殺手鑭已就位
-哇 殺手鑭 -沒錯 我要做殺手鑭
那你就是殺手鑭
-我喜歡 -真是個好名字 尼克
噢 如果我們用代號的話
就不要用真名 戴爾
你也別說我的名字 科特
我那是無意的 你明顯是故意說的
-我不認為你是無意中說的 -你說什麼
為什麼我們要在同一間房裏用對講機
我們在檢查設備
我們不需要檢查 他用的是電視遙控器
我也想要參與進來 我沒有什麼東西可以
嘿 等等 刀鋒戰士發現了情況 他來了 他來了
-開始了 -見鬼
-好了 殺手鑭 打電話 -我在撥電話 好了
噢 天吶
嘿 那是什麼 誰在打電話給你
-我不知道 信號屏蔽了 -噢 不
-喂
-你是誰 -是我 笨蛋
你在幹嘛 你應該用隱秘電話聯繫的
隱秘電話在你手裏 你應該把它貼在長凳下面的
不 那不是 噢 等等
噢
噢 該死 那麼 他拿的是什麼電話
伯特拿的是科特的電話 裏面還有我們的通話記錄
還有我們以前還是朋友時拍下的照片
夠了 聽著 這沒什麼大不了的
我們推遲到明天行動
只要我們不聯繫他 他就不會找到
他找到了
-啥 怎麼會 -我們完蛋了
-該死 -等等 等等 我有個主意 我有個主意
打你的電話 如果他在接電話 他就看不到那些東西了
-你電話號碼是多少 -你不知道嗎
-我不知道自己的號碼 -我不知道 我從來不給自己打電話
你倆的號碼我都記得 323
-很好 我在撥 開始吧 -好的 開始吧
-我們開始吧 好了 -好了 可以了
電話打過來了 鈴聲是凱蒂·佩裏的《咆哮》
這些傢伙還真是充滿信心
喂
你看上去就像只蚱蜢
-找到了片可以坐上去的草地 -太過了
-喂 -我們趕緊把事情結了 偽牛仔
現在 聽好了 我要你前往曼德拉酒店
你走到地下停車場去
去4421車位
在那裏你會看到一個很大的袋子 把錢裝在袋裏
然後我要你往北走到
菲格羅亞聽下一步的指示
等等 等等
別以為我們不知道
你喊了執法人員跟著你 其實我們都知道
行嗎 所以如果
有任何執法人員跟著你走到地下車庫
我會親自
把燒紅的撥火棍深深捅入你兒子的肛門
我還會讓他的牙齒像爆米花那樣爆開
看見沒 我們又回到軌道上了
我得把那部手機給拿回來 那裏面有太多雞巴的照片
-真的吧 -是的 雖然不全是我的
以比賽期間的交通
他估計十分鐘不到就會到那 我們進行的如何了
-差不多好了 -旅館服務員的制服在哪兒
-什麼東西 -爐管服務員的制服
我們難道不是裝扮成旅館服務員卷款逃走嗎
那地方不會有旅館侍者
-沒有嗎 -沒有
我以為應該有些更好的
-這他媽都是些什麼 -今天不是萬聖節
-倉促下我只能準備點這些了 -這一點兒都不嚇人
-嘿 我看起來怎樣 -你是誰
-是我 科特 -我知道是你
難看極了 你看起來不像伯特 你像馬克·吐溫
沒有一件事情像我們策劃時
我所構想的那樣進行 那樣會好很多
從遠處看他就好看多了
-好了 我們開始吧 -勇往直前
我們去做我們該做的事
充滿自信去做的話 我們會沒事兒的
-走吧 -噢
-嗨 小伙子們 -噢 嗨
你住這酒店裏
還是這是你的酒店 你住在這兒
自從你們闖進我的辦公室 我就開始留意你們了
我不知道這兒發生了什麼 我也不想知道
為什麼你會在這裏 你想要做什麼
你知道我想要什麼
不 我不會和你睡覺的
為什麼這瘋婆娘腦子就想不通吶
-放尊重點 抱歉了 -你在開玩笑嗎
-別那樣叫她 -我直截了當地說吧
我會報警送你們坐牢
-別那樣做 -別那樣
除非戴爾跟我親熱
為什麼 為什麼是我 我有什麼特別之處嗎
問得好 大家都想知道
-我也是 -你是不是收集了什麼東西 戴爾
-別向他挑起話題 -我收集什麼
-很多東西 -百科全書布朗
-新豆寶寶 毫無意義 -星際大爭霸
-好吧 我是收集了一些東西 然後為什麼 -我收集龜頭
-龍頭 -茱莉亞
-龜頭 -噢 好吧 這樣
就在這兒
我記憶中的龜頭數目都是很令人震驚的
-我們的也在裏面 -別提
並且晚上 當我閉上眼睛
回想它們
我按字母排列它們
我給它們拂去灰塵
為什麼它們會落滿灰塵
但有個小問題 戴爾
看到那塊了嗎 那壁爐上面的空位
-看見沒 -有個龜頭不見了麼
那是為唯一一個拒絕我的男人所保留的
自從我十一歲開始
那就是你 戴爾
我的白鯨
噢 好吧 謝謝你這麼瞧得起我
我確實拒絕了你 抱歉
但是 嘿 我有個主意 我這位朋友科特很會親熱
-也許他能夠來代替我 -絕對願意
我還會擠壓式親熱 在這方面我真的很有才能
我們都知道這談話和那癮有關
如果你尋求的不僅僅是速戰速決的話
我可以為你提供
某些非常有意義 更持久的東西
什麼 你在說什麼
我在說我們
-我們 我們所有人 -不
-那更好了 -不
越多越好 我喜歡這個主意
你們身上有很多東西突出來
而我有很多孔可以塞進去
今晚的某個時刻
你最好確保那個東西會進入這裏
-謝謝你 -我不是那個意思 你誤解了
我要去梳洗一番了
你們不如先互相洗一下來做好準備
-好了 開始吧 -你要幹什麼
什麼 她讓我們上她
-我不會上任何人 -謝謝你
我願意和她做愛 如果那是她自己要求的話
-你來真的嗎 -啊 我可以借用下這把剃刀嗎
可以 請便
有什麼要求嗎 直條形 圓形
額 什麼樣都行 我們趕時間 謝謝
我不想對我老婆不忠
不 如果你是為了拯救你的家庭
這就不算通姦 明白嗎
你真的認為史黛西和你的女兒會癡癡地等你
如果你要坐三十年牢的話 -他們不會的
儘管如此 我們就不能想個法子解決嗎
噢有 當然 我有個辦法 就這樣 額 我們來分工
這樣分 我後面 你前面 你負責嘴
我不能正面上她 那會使我非常內疚
說得好 那不如這樣
我後面 你負責嘴 他前面 -我也這麼覺得
我想說的一種能夠 那挺好的
如果我們不斷交換位置 她就不知道誰在哪兒
-就像猜豆子遊戲 -三張賭一張 沒錯
我可以邊向她胸部吹氣邊拍打她臀部
只要不是以卑鄙或侮辱人格的事情都可以
我們會和菲爾醫生一樣敏感
我不知道我能不能上這個女人
想想你的老婆和女兒
我會為我的女兒著想的 我能夠做好
-呵 -好了嗎
-史黛西 -噢 不
-你是怎麼找到我的 -你站那兒好一會兒了嗎
使用了「找我的愛瘋」
-我就知道你對我不忠 -不 我沒有
-他沒有 我們在努力讓自己不坐牢 -坐牢
沒有人會去坐牢
-因為我們要綁架一個人 -綁架
-不 那個人是自己綁架自己 -就是那樣
-他逼迫我們 -戴爾甚至都不想正面上她
-我甚至都不想正面上她 -我兩次都選了臀部
我說過正面上她會讓我感到很內疚的
你們這不是在幫我 閉嘴
聽著 額 這是件非常蠢的事情 親愛的
其實很簡單 並且沒有任何有關性的事情在這裏發生
快來吧 戴爾 我可不能自己吃自己
-茱莉亞 -史黛西
還有寶寶
看看那些孩子 噢 戴爾 他們長得和你真像
-聽我解釋 -你真噁心
我沒有這麼噁心 拜託 我能否就
不要跟著我 別跟著我
你他媽個婊子
抱歉 真的不是有意讓事情變成這樣的
好吧 茱莉亞 你想要被上是嗎
是啊 嘿
為什麼不要 我的婚姻結束了 基本上都毀了
所以我來艸死你怎麼樣 覺得不錯嗎
-不 不 不 你是負責嘴 -我來正面上她
-沒錯 -不 不 不 這次全都是我的
什麼
-我們開始吧 我們在浴室裏做吧 -好啊
這就是你想要的嗎 這裏又舒服又濕潤
-進監獄的話就挽救不了我的婚姻對吧 -是的 那樣不能
-好極了 戴爾 -走吧
-我們失去信號了 -該死
要派個便衣嗎
我們不能冒這個風險 就在這兒等吧
哈羅 你好啊
-你去這邊 -停
嘿
這他媽搞什麼鬼
不需要你說話
我要的是那袋錢 現在 把它拿過來
你竟敢扔給我 把它滑過來 再來一次
-不 我們收下了 -檢查一下
-天吶 -看哪
-我們成功了 -那袋子很漂亮
好了 嘿 我還要
取回你從公園長椅下面拿到的手機
什麼
那部手機 把手機給我
把手機拋給他
現在給我們那別緻的夾克衫以及時髦的領帶
-脫下來 交給我們 -不
-他說不 -他好像說的是說不
但我們有這個
-你別逼我使用這步六髮式手槍 -這人有手槍
你們令我感到噁心
你們是美國的敗類 每個人都想要救濟金
要要要 不斷向老老實實掙錢的人要錢
好了 現在別聊天了 這個人真的有槍
你真的很無禮 我會對你的胸膛開槍
好啊 繼續啊 開槍啊
你沒這個膽量
不 他有 他有又大又老的蛋蛋
誇大其詞 空談而已
-老兄 -噢 我的天
-他媽怎麼回事 -噢 天吶
你做了什麼
-你對他開搶了 -不 我沒有
-你開槍了 -那槍不應該有子彈的
-你什麼意思 -那不是我的錯
-噢 天吶 -等等 等等
老兄 你們現在應該看看自己的臉
看看你們互相指責的樣子
剛剛出了什麼事
我他媽出賣了你
不 不 我們現在都是朋友了
是啊 但很大的反轉 不是嗎
起初我想要得到所有的錢
並且讓你們頂罪
就這麼簡單
但後來老爸竟然報警
證明他根本不關心我
我就在想 為什麼就只拿他幾百萬
明明我可以繼承他所有的財產 並且讓你們這幾個傢伙頂罪
幾分鐘之內 警察就會到這兒來
然後會發現你們幾個殺死了我父親
所用的手槍則是你們綁架我時從我房間裏偷來的
你撒謊
-他知道這點 -他知道
大家別擔心
我有辦法
對不起 雷克斯
但是我們有你的證據
為什麼就只拿他幾百萬
明明我可以繼承他所有的財產 並且讓你們這幾個傢伙頂罪
將死你 表砸
-好吧 那麼 把東西給我 -好 好的
-不 我很抱歉 -謝謝 老兄
就不能再多拿兩分鐘嗎
不 那是個禮物
-你把普銳斯停在後巷了嗎 當然有
-你有鑰匙嗎 -給你
我真心為你們感到驕傲
真的 你們團結在一起
你們像支團隊一樣一起合作 正如我們計劃的那樣
戴爾 我們曾有過很多歡笑
我真的很感激 我是說 你帶給了我歡樂
尼克 我希望你能有更多的笑容
知道嗎 看看你的那些皺紋
去度個假吧 放鬆一下
-科特 我最想的人一定會是你 -為什麼
好了
再見
接住
-不要 -該死
抱歉 我的手就是這麼靈活 見鬼 等等
嘿 別動 別動
哈哈 戴爾 拜託 你覺得我會給你把裝了子彈的槍嗎
該死的
我得走了 還等著警察
來倉庫救我呢 回頭見
見鬼 警察信你才怪
你爸的血都濺到了 噢
-我們就不能別有啥說啥嗎 -我靠 真對不起
這比我上次干的還蠢 我幹了什麼來著
你和他哥倆好不夠 還扯上我
我們又不會怕一把空槍 雷克斯 你個蠢蛋
他有子彈 他有子彈
他有子彈 該死
科特 你腰圍多少 兩尺五
-我的天 貞操不保了 -不
-啊 你只是想要 -他只是想要褲子
這是你們出過的最餿的主意了
難以置信你們還說服了我
-這人已經死了 -我知道
-他死了 -我們就不該辭職
時間耗的太久了
見鬼
包沒有問題
是放贖金出了岔子
進去 所有人現在就進去
-脫下這條罪證褲子 -隻穿小內跑路嗎
幹嘛不把屍體扔到車裏 我們還有五百萬美元
到處都是警察 我們逃不掉的
見鬼
-拿上包 滾進來 -為什麼
趕在那傢伙之前 把警察引到倉庫
如果他們看到他能自由行動
也許就會相信你們的瞎扯淡了 我們走
拿上錢
嘿 夥計們
該死的 是那幫蠢貨
我知道我從未提過任何綁架的事
快來 該走了
跟蹤我們早就納入他們的計劃了
天知道 不妨求證下
安全帶怎麼了
-我繫好了 -我們該繫好安全帶
-我能和你共用嗎 -趴緊儀表盤
見鬼 開錯路了
開錯路了 調頭 停車
-你給誰寫短信呢 -我女人
-放下手機 -如果我不按時報到 她會暴走的
順便問句 你這該死的
當初為什麼會在那車庫裏
現在幹嘛提那個
-天啊 -怎麼了
你原本打算去那偷贖金
聽著 我只搶不偷
該死的什麼意思 你到底去車庫幹什麼
我以為那是個好機會
放贖金可能不順利 然後那人會殺了你們滅口
在那種情況下 你會寧願是我拿到錢 而不是他
-他在拿我們當賭注 -你個狗娘養的
-我在致敬你們的潛在犧牲 -致敬我們
我們算什麼了 武士
等等 嘿 有火車
-火車 火車 火車 -火車
-贊 喔喔 -牛逼
就該這麼甩掉警察
-我們不該甩掉警察 -別甩掉警察
那才是計劃的關鍵
-想的很好 -還得回去 好極
我希望你能開慢點 不容易犯錯
別苛求這傢伙了 他已經拼盡全力了
停這裏 我會讓他們知道的 等等
嘿 我們回來了 我們會待在這裏
直到列車開過去
然後我們再繼續飆
這幫混蛋在幹嘛
-他們聽懂了 -我覺得是
-你帶著什麼到處跑 -那是什麼
這是給我的貓咪準備的
-你養貓咪 -大吃一驚吧
-我不能養貓咪嗎 -你幹嘛總是炸毛
-看見你圍著貓咪轉怪怪的 -我是貓控
-嘿 我能下車尿尿嗎 -不行 我們在「速度與激情」
-超級長的火車 我覺得
-來得及 -有好多貨物
#堅持住#
#可能還需要#
#愛並不總是來得及時#
#堅持住#
這他媽的太容易了
我覺得我都有時間尿完了
讓他出去 開車門
-最後節車廂來了 -該死
該死 警察
-警察 警察 -該死
-發生什麼了 -你東西掉了
-什麼 見鬼 -是的 你的貓咪工具掉了
好吧 那傢伙就在那裏 留意他
嘿 嘿 嘿
-嘿 我們被困在這裏了 -暫時而已
-不不不 -我早就想這麼做了
#持續得越久越好#
#撫摸你一次#
#撫摸你二次#
該死
怎麼了
這裏是哪兒
是這裏 在橋下
-你在做什麼 -你應該從橋下走
放輕鬆
-輪胎卡住了 -試試剎車
-減檔 -停在公園裏
我沒法思考了
你們現在肯定愛上這柵欄了吧
我對這柵欄回心轉意了
我也想要個安全帶
下步該怎麼做 混蛋
哎喲
那裏 那裏 那裏
-嘿 他不在這裏 我們贏了他 -什麼
-我們贏了他 -嘿
-哈哈 -嘿 幹得好
-那混賬在哪 -不知道
警察 警察
嘿
-滾出車子 -放輕鬆
-手舉起來 -放輕鬆 拜託 放下槍
我們沒殺人 我對天發誓
我根本不在乎 留給法官去說吧
我們沒綁架過任何人
他綁架了他自己 他隨時會潛進來
他本應該
-被綁在那把椅子上 -他正在你背後
誰 他
是的
情況不妙 情況糟透了
-這混賬東西 -你得相信我們
就是他們 他們三個拷打我
還揚言要殺了我爸爸
-別聽他胡扯 -一派胡言
告訴我他平安無事 求你了
-孩子 我很遺憾 -不
-不 -是他殺了自己的爸爸
-他在飆演技 精彩極了 -別信他
-趴到地上 -我們這就趴
我不敢相信他的演技唬了你
我是說 演得很像 但
混賬東西 你們有權保持沉默
混賬東西 你們有權請律師 你們還
嘿 那是我的手機 他拿了我的手機
-是伯特留在長凳上的手機 -檢查下那部手機
如果雷克斯一直被綁在這裏
他怎麼會有部同樣的手機
-他們換過褲子 -是的 他們換過
-檢查下 -長官 是相同的鈴聲
對 但那是我的手機
我設了相同的鈴聲 它能鼓舞人
你被綁在這裏的時候 一直有部手機
卻不打電話報警
-啊哈 -對極
閉上臭嘴
讓我看下手機
我說了讓我看下手機
好的
所有人他媽的退後
他現在看上去很大罪了 對嗎
他絕對是嫌疑犯
他媽的把槍放下
打死這個人渣 現在就打死這個人渣
放下槍 不然我就
打爆他的腦袋 聽到了嗎 快點
快啊
他會逃掉的
-這傢伙不會放棄 -他真會隨機應變
-你 鑰匙在車裏嗎 -鑰匙在車裏
-這混賬 -冷靜
這混賬讓我一無所有 戴爾 冷靜 沒門
干死這個混賬 他搶了我老婆
好了 退後
他搶了我孩子 我得做點什麼
放輕鬆 你打算做什麼
瞧瞧誰才是"麻雀在後"
-賤人 -等等 戴爾 你在做什麼
-戴爾 -啊 我吃槍子了
過去 抓住他
拷了這個瘋子
趁現在 把他揍到老娘也認不出
-該死的 -戴爾 哥們 你還好嗎 嘿
-我的天啊 -喔喔
-該死的 -怎麼回事
戴爾 放下這個 哥們 你都在想些什麼啊
-我反應過度了 這玩意根本不鋒利 -腎上腺素
子彈是擦傷了我 還是
不 子彈正中你的胸膛
-穿胸而過 -你會好的
不 我不確定 流了好多血
-別聽他的 你能撐過去的 -見鬼
嘿 你想要希望 聽他的
你想要真相 就該信我的
好嗎 情況不妙
有誰能幫幫忙嗎
別擔心 我們會讓你好起來的
-上帝啊 -傷口嚴重嗎 嚴重嗎
-見鬼好大的洞 -是啊
我馬上就會迎接白光了
你要走就走吧
求別讓我死在他的嘮叨裏
我會照顧好史黛西和你的兒子們
你太惹人煩了
我沒想惹人煩
-我不過想找點樂子 -是惹人煩
倒是起作用了 瞧
瞧瞧誰在說話 你還好嗎
你在生死線上掙扎了好久 很高心你能說話了
醫生怎麼說 我要死了嗎
-是的 -是的
-不 -我們都要死的
是有點險象環生 但你會好起來的
醫生會讓你出院的
-太好了 -但他們不得不給你換了顆鳥心
-天啊 -你接受得了嗎
-不 -他在開玩笑
-我們在開玩笑 -鳥心對我來說太老了
我昏迷了多久
-兩年 -真的嗎
-四天 -好多了
你怎麼不玩了 說好了兩年的
我們有了個女總統
該死的
-瞧瞧誰來了 -我的天啊 他能說話了
-你能說話了 嗨 -我們留你們兩個獨處
求你了 讓我解釋所有的一切
裏面的誤會太多了
沒事的 茱莉亞解釋了一切
別和她說話 她是個瘋子
她告訴我了一切
是她的苦難連累了你
她的苦難
她的經歷太讓人心碎了
-嗨 -她還說我的丈夫
是唯一可以拒絕她魅力的人
-好吧 -戴爾 你真是個幸運兒
你妻子真是善解人意又體貼入心
-是的 -還那麼美麗動人
她一直在照顧孩子們 任勞任怨
啊 拜託 這都是我該做的
為了彌補我犯的錯
好吧
我去找下麥克醫生 告訴他你能說話了
好極 去找下醫生 因為我覺得有點
到底發生什麼事了
怎麼了 我脫身了
不會再有什麼白鯨獵奇了吧 或者類似的
-恩 不會再有了 你脫身了 -真的嗎
你知道嗎
男人即使在昏迷中也能勃起
戴爾 是真的 昏迷之殤
"昏迷之殤"是什麼
許許多多的昏迷之殤
慢慢想吧
-見鬼了 -好了好了 我該走了
我為自己和史黛西定制了溫泉一日
-戴爾 我會上了你老婆 -不 不
不 不 你不會 等等 等等 不
-嗨 她在這裏 -男生們
你看上去棒極了 你知道的
我給你發了好多短信都沒收到回應
追女人可不能這麼遜
她說她會上了我老婆
-我覺得她已經上了 -野馬已經脫韁
我發現那兩位在折騰炸玉米餅
最近秀恩愛到膩死人
我接受不了這個 太過分了
不管怎樣 情況到底如何了
-我們招惹了警察嗎 還是 -是的 我們惹上了
-是的 非常嚴重 -我們因為一堆罪名被捕了
但因為你為警官
擋了一槍 檢查官撤銷了重罪
撤銷一部分罪名 贊
你簡直就是凱文·科斯特納的翻版
你是我們的保鏢
哈哈 說的真貼心 好吧
我猜我們拯救了事業
-沒 我們沒有 -我們沒有
銀行幾天前取消了我們的抵押品贖回權
第一次 第兩次 售出 中標者是迪曲商業信託
但還有個好消息
買下公司的人讓我們繼續運營它
-如果我們降到三百美元 你就有 -盧佩 好吧
盧佩 你好
-呃 空中百貨 -是的 空中百貨
棒極了 很棒的消息
空中百貨的訂單準備送貨了
老闆會愛死這個的
是的 讓我們向他展示下這些巨額數字
我們該滿意這些數字嗎
它們很不錯
-還有進步空間 -我們能做的更好
我的天啊
我剛意識到
你們真的以為你們帶來的是好消息
你們三人
傻臉加傻笑地進到這裏
你們為什麼要出生 你們三頭蠢貨為什麼要出生
看著你們就好像
俯瞰畸形的科羅拉多大峽谷
你們父母沒掐死你們真是奇跡
-你們去哪裏 -下周見
我有主意了 你們幹嘛不試試自殺協議
我指的可不是
And I'm not talking about throwing yourself off a building or some sleeping-pills shit.
跳高樓或是磕安眠藥 And I'm not talking about throwing yourself off a building or some sleeping-pills shit.
我指的是 互操至死 I'm talking about, you fuck each other to death.
你們該死的想去哪裏 你們屬於我 Where the fuck do you think you're going? I own you!
我們在你們的地區 Well, we have several franchise opportunities available in your area.
有幾個特許經營權可供購買 Well, we have several franchise opportunities available in your area.
但 購買一家店舖需要 But, purchasing a store requires...
支付巨額的預付款 a significant up-front investment.
那樣的話 Well, in that case...
先給我找上三處 start me off with three locations.
瓊斯先生 我肯定我們會滿足您的要求 I'm sure that we can accommodate you, Mr. Jones.
拜託 瓊斯先生 那是我爸爸的稱呼 Please. Mr. Jones? That's my daddy.
叫我混賬 Call me Motherfucker.
每次 這傢伙 Every... This guy.
好的 首先我們把雷克斯 Okay. First we tie up Rex in one of those abandoned warehouses off 3rd.
綁在廢棄倉庫的三樓 Okay. First we tie up Rex in one of those abandoned warehouses off 3rd.
首先我們把雷克斯綁在 First we're gonna tie up Rex...
首先我們把雷克斯綁在 都滾開 First we're gonna tie up Rex... Fuck off, everyone.
等伯特的車一到地下 警察就會失去 As soon as Bert's car is underground, the police lose...
伯特的車會開到地下 對嗎 Bert's car goes underground, right?
警察就會失去無線信號 Police lose the signal from the wire.
你們還驗證停車嗎 不是指你 Do you guys validate parking? Not you personally, obviously, that'd be racist.
明顯太種族歧視了 Do you guys validate parking? Not you personally, obviously, that'd be racist.
你要把車停在4421車位 You're gonna pull into Space 4421...
我回頭再打給你 I gotta call you back.
兩天前銀行就取消了抵押品贖回權 The bank foreclosed two days ago.
-但還有個好消息 -真的嗎 - Hey, but there is good news. - Really?
真的嗎 "Really?"
我們得和一個合法的人談談 We need to talk to somebody legitimate.
我們應該找一個能幫我們奪回公司的人 We need to find someone who can get us our company back.
下一場戲我也不能演得更好了 不能 I can't take you to the next scene any better than that. I can't.
那麼我想娶丹尼爾·克雷格 Well, then I would marry Daniel Craig...
我會操肖恩·康納利 殺了蒂莫西·道爾頓 I'd fuck Sean Connery and kill Timothy Dalton.
我想娶艾德·赫爾姆斯 I would marry Ed Helms, fuck Bradley Cooper and kill Zach Galifianakis.
操布萊德利·庫珀 殺了扎克·加利費安納基斯 I would marry Ed Helms, fuck Bradley Cooper and kill Zach Galifianakis.
娶爆紅的 操過時的 殺流行的 對嗎 Marry Crackle, fuck Snap, kill Pop. Right?
我的天 你知道這看上去像什麼嗎 Oh, my God. Do you know what this looks like?
像什麼 What?
看上去像我們根本不知道自己在做什麼 It looks like we don't know what we're doing.
如果你能別再叫我的名字 我會很感激的 Boy, I'd love it if you'd stop saying my name.
等等 嘿 站住 Hang on a second. Hey, freeze.
猜猜現在誰有槍了 Guess who's got the gun now.
我 Me.
你認為她在哪裏學的這招 Where do you think she learned it?
可能是從看的第一部電影裏 Maybe from the first movie.
準備好椅子 - Get that chair ready. I'm gonna take a tinkle. - Oh, but I'm thirsty.
-我要去噓噓了 -但我口很渴 - Get that chair ready. I'm gonna take a tinkle. - Oh, but I'm thirsty.
給我留點吧 Save me a shake.
我就是說不出口 I just can't say it.
所以你想把贖金用來 So you wanna use the ransom...
怎麼說來著 What is it?
所以你們計劃用贖金來拯救你們的事業 "Y'all plan to use the ransom to save y'all business."
我就是想聽到你念台詞 I just like to hear you say it.
拜託 夥計 Come on, man.
幫我等於幫你 報復我混賬的 Help me help you get revenge on my asshole...
-我混賬的 -混賬的老爹 - My asshole... - Asshole dad.
你必須得拿到屬於你的 在這個 You have to take what's yours in this... In this...
-我是說 你必須 -你必須 - I mean, you have to... - You have to...
-拿到屬於你的 在這生活中 -懂了 - ...take what's yours in this life. - Take it.
搞定了 Grab it!
你們那空虛 乾癟的蛋囊 You will pass your empty, sac-less ball sacs...
不 那是 No, that's...
空虛 乾癟的蛋囊 它們是乾癟的 "Empty shriveled sacs." They're shriveled. I should know that just looking at you.
我只要看著你就知道了 "Empty shriveled sacs." They're shriveled. I should know that just looking at you.
你的信譽留影在此 That's your credit picture right there.
-重頭戲開場了 -我聞到狗屎了 - Here comes the heavy. - I smell dog shit.
-真聞到了 -是的 - Do you really? - Yeah.
也許是因為你的演技 It might be your acting.