1 00:00:05,320 --> 00:00:08,000 Gather ye rosebuds while ye may 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:10,880 Old Time is still a-flying 3 00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:14,560 And this same flower that smiles today 4 00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:16,600 Tomorrow will be dying. 5 00:00:20,760 --> 00:00:24,280 Gather ye rosebuds while ye may. 6 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:30,360 The Latin term for this sentiment is "carpe diem". 7 00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:32,080 Seize the day! 8 00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:34,760 An amateur production of Dead Poets Society, 9 00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:37,480 directed, produced and abridged by Alan Partridge, 10 00:00:37,480 --> 00:00:41,000 it's a powerful clarion call, imploring us to both 11 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:44,840 live life to the full and educate our children privately. 12 00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:48,240 Because we are food for worms, boys. 13 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:49,520 THEY LAUGH 14 00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:53,200 Yes, believe it or not, one day each and every one of us 15 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:55,760 in this room will stop breathing, 16 00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:56,960 turn cold... 17 00:00:58,000 --> 00:00:59,680 ..and die. 18 00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:03,160 And while the production ran for just three spellbinding nights, 19 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:06,560 the words of Mr Keating, the lead character - my character - 20 00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:08,480 have never left me. 21 00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:09,600 Carpe diem. 22 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:12,840 Seize-uh... 23 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:15,720 ..the day, boys. 24 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:20,200 Make your lives extraordinary. 25 00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:23,000 MR KEATING WHISTLES 26 00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:23,000 It was a valuable 27 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:24,200 learning experience for me, 28 00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,880 the audience, and the kids in the story, 29 00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:28,080 played by these men. 30 00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:29,400 Class dismissed. 31 00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:33,600 But can seizing the day improve our mental health? 32 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:35,000 Welcome to... 33 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:38,400 ..How ARE You? It's Alan (Partridge). 34 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:40,800 How are you? 35 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:47,560 When mental health problems strike, many people like to 36 00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:48,920 shake the Etch A Sketch... 37 00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:48,920 LADDER RATTLES 38 00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:50,120 ..and try something new, 39 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:52,680 whether it be yoga, Peloton, 40 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:55,040 women over 50 sometimes dye their hair blue 41 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:56,400 and that seems to help them. 42 00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:59,320 A friend of mine was dumped by his girlfriend and went so far 43 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:03,400 as joining Isis for a fortnight, but left in a dispute over food. 44 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:05,120 But does any of this actually work? 45 00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:07,280 Well, this week I intend to find out, 46 00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:11,360 as I navigate a slightly shaky patch in my personal life. 47 00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:16,320 And you will have a ringside seat for what will be an intensely 48 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:17,800 personal episode. 49 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:21,560 Too sausage-y. ..as I bravely let the cameras into my own life. 50 00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:23,360 Do you want a tangerine? 51 00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:24,960 No, I don't, actually, thanks. OK. 52 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:33,600 I used to bring Katrina here, in the first flush of romance, 53 00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:39,200 and carved - ahem - "KE", Katrina Ellis, "4 AP", Alan Partridge, 54 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:41,680 on a dozen diseased trees, er, while 55 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:43,600 she took selfies and read her phone. 56 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:46,520 But since I'm no longer in that relationship, which is 57 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:48,840 all good, all good, um, 58 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:52,280 "KE 4 AP" no longer applies. 59 00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:56,320 Er, but rather than remove the sign with an electric sander, 60 00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:59,600 I decided to amend the sign with my Swiss army knife, 61 00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:02,200 which goes everywhere with me, er, to read quite simply 62 00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:04,960 "keep out 4 area private". 63 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:08,720 Keep out of this area, for this area is a private area, um, 64 00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:10,720 which I think is an elegant solution. 65 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:13,160 I've taken the negative of a failed relationship and turned it 66 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:16,000 into the positive of a sign I've been meaning to put up anyway. 67 00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:18,720 Not that it's necessarily a negative. 68 00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:22,320 I feel free, I feel good, and wish the same for her. 69 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:24,760 Um, I should've seen it coming. 70 00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:25,880 There were signs. 71 00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:26,960 BLOWING 72 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:29,520 Um, we'd stopped tickling each other, er, 73 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:32,400 she'd started locking the bathroom door when she was having 74 00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:35,160 a shower, pretending she couldn't hear me knocking in just a towel. 75 00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:38,280 And then my assistant found a prophylactic in the footwell 76 00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:42,080 of the car, which I knew wouldn't have been mine - I don't like them, 77 00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:45,360 it spoils the feeling - and that's when it all fell into place. 78 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:52,080 No. 79 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:58,080 Yes. 80 00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:04,640 No. 81 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:09,120 No! 82 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:15,560 Wait, did... 83 00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:18,120 ..did you just put the "no" in the "yes" pile? 84 00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:20,400 I put it with the noes, see? 85 00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:22,920 No, no, no, this one, this one. 86 00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:24,040 She was a no. 87 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:25,960 But she's very presentable. 88 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:28,080 Presentable? Lynn, we're not into... 89 00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:30,960 This is not... Paddington Bear's presentable. 90 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:33,520 I don't want to f...go out with him. 91 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:35,760 Online dating. 92 00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:38,640 Like many men my age, I've often fired up Tinder after half 93 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:41,960 a bottle of wine, purely to see what's out there. 94 00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:46,720 Now, as a newly single bachelor, I'm taking a more considered approach. 95 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:50,520 You know, it's like looking at the cast list for Songs Of Praise. 96 00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:52,720 All these high necks and low hems. 97 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:54,840 I suppose you want it the other way round. 98 00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:57,960 Well, yes, I do, if you want to push me. 99 00:04:57,960 --> 00:04:59,360 Yes, I do, Lynn. 100 00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:01,240 Well, you could always go out to a sleazy disco 101 00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:02,520 and find yourself a strumpet. 102 00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:05,720 Lynn, there is a happy medium, yeah? 103 00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:07,760 And I would like a medium, by the way. 104 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:11,440 And don't try and get round it on a technicality by booking me 105 00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:13,560 dinner with a large clairvoyant and claiming, 106 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:15,560 "Well, she's a medium," because I know you. 107 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:18,400 You do need to look at their personalities. 108 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:20,560 Yeah, we'll get to that. That's the next round. 109 00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:21,960 And round three is kids. 110 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:26,080 But seizing the day for better mental health isn't 111 00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:29,080 just about romantic affection, which is why I'm getting out 112 00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:32,000 and reviving platonic relationships too. 113 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:34,840 A pub quiz is not a measure of intelligence. 114 00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:37,880 I've seen pub quizzes won by a team of postmen before now. 115 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:39,720 It's more for men to mix with other men 116 00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:43,520 and talk about personal issues 117 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:47,120 under the veneer of a trivia quiz. 118 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:48,440 Um, for some reason, 119 00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:51,640 men seem to find it easier to talk about an upsetting divorce or 120 00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:56,440 a bum complaint whilst shouting out the dates of famous battles. 121 00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,920 And tonight promises to be extra special, 122 00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:01,080 cos I've not quizzed with my friends for a year, 123 00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:03,920 as Katrina thought they wore cheap trainers. 124 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:07,040 Er, OK, probably my fault. 125 00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:09,320 Er, I didn't let them know I was coming, 126 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:12,360 and as I said to them, totally fine to have replaced me 127 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:15,960 as a team member. I was away for a year and you don't want to be going 128 00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:18,160 into a quiz as tough as that with a member down. 129 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:21,320 That would be like turning up with a water pistol to the Battle of 130 00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:24,000 the Somme, which began on 1st July, 131 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,280 1916, which I'm sure they'll know. ANTIQUES ROADSHOW THEME PLAYS 132 00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:28,320 Oh, this is the music round, I used to love this. 133 00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:30,000 Er, Antiques Roadshow. 134 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:32,960 Er, yeah, and they were totally...they couldn't have been 135 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,080 nicer about the whole thing. 136 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:35,400 CASUALTY THEME PLAYS 137 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:36,680 Er, Casualty, original version. 138 00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:39,920 Yes, and in their replacement of me with Ollie Denvers, 139 00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:41,520 very shrewd choice. 140 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:45,720 Er, Ollie has a great knowledge of literature, 141 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:49,600 because when his wife left him, he read all her books 142 00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:50,960 in an attempt to win her back. 143 00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:52,280 It didn't work, but it left him 144 00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:55,480 with an encyclopaedic knowledge of women's literature. 145 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:58,840 JUST GOOD FRIENDS THEME 146 00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:00,040 Just Good Friends. 147 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:03,280 Yeah? 148 00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:04,760 Oh, they're...they're scratching their heads. 149 00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:06,120 I'm going to...I'm going to have to tell them. 150 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:08,840 Got to... God, where would they be without me? 151 00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:15,320 Yeah, Just Good Friends. 152 00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:17,040 Yeah, the '80s sitcom. 153 00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:19,480 Just Good Friends. 154 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:21,320 Which is more than can be said for you lot. 155 00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:22,360 Haha. 156 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:26,160 Yeah. 157 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:28,840 Er, I actually love those guys. 158 00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:30,480 SKI SUNDAY THEME 159 00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:31,640 Ski Sunday. 160 00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:35,960 SKI SUNDAY THEME CONTINUES 161 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:43,000 When a car's that far up...behind...that close, 162 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:47,520 I want to pull over and say, "Excuse me, when you walk along the street, 163 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:50,480 "do you walk along the street with your nose pressed against the arse 164 00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:52,200 "of the person in front of you? Cos that's what you're... 165 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:53,560 "..effing doing with me." 166 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:56,760 Psychologists believe in displacement anger, a phenomenon 167 00:07:56,760 --> 00:08:00,600 in which rage at one thing comes out in response to something else. 168 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:03,520 But in this case, the woman was just a very poor driver. 169 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:06,560 Take your nose out of my bottom, I've never met you before! 170 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:09,360 I'd love to slam on my anchor so it just rams into the back of me. 171 00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:11,640 I'm fully covered. 172 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:15,760 You've probably got third party, fire and theft, you piece of shit. 173 00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:17,000 I'm sorry. 174 00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:19,680 How ARE you? 175 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:26,880 I'm seeing what seizing the day can do for my mental health, 176 00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:30,920 and while for me Sundays are about slobbing around in tracky bottoms 177 00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:33,560 watching documentaries about collapsing bridges, 178 00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:36,280 today, I'm trying something more dignified. 179 00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:38,040 ORGAN PLAYS 180 00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:38,040 Fine, fine. That's great. 181 00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:42,040 Since 1980, church attendance in Britain has almost halved. 182 00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:44,080 Do you want a few more? Yes, please. Thank you. 183 00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:46,280 But here in the Church of John the Baptist, in Norwich, 184 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:48,800 things are no different than they were in 1980, 185 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:50,560 including their clothes. 186 00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:52,640 Alan, do you want to help her in? She's always...pushing. 187 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:54,720 Well, she can see where the seats are. 188 00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:56,400 So, what's the big idea? 189 00:08:56,400 --> 00:09:00,480 Well, churchgoers, like my assistant Lynn, go on about an inner peace 190 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:03,440 that comes from worship, and today I've agreed to give it a go. 191 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,240 CONGREGATION: # Light 192 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:08,360 # Walk in the light... # 193 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:11,000 And while I quickly realised it wasn't for me, what with all 194 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:13,920 the smiling and having to kneel down, I was more than happy to stay. 195 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:14,960 # Light 196 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:17,920 # Walk in the light, O Lord 197 00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:19,800 # The saviour's lost like you and me... # 198 00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:22,280 You see, I'm what you'd call a Christo-sceptic, 199 00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:25,640 and I've always filed God under "pleasant but far-fetched", 200 00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:28,840 the same bracket as Santa and female Doctor Whos. 201 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:31,120 # Walk, walk in the light... # Come on! 202 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:35,320 Clearly Jesus was a decent chap, albeit with heavy Lib Dem vibes, 203 00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:38,880 but I've always been unmoved by his message, and today is no exception. 204 00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:40,840 # Walk in the light... # 205 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:44,200 But mine was a watching brief, and with the singsong finally over... 206 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:45,440 # Walk! # 207 00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:49,080 ..I was happy to give my tips on improving the audience experience. 208 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:52,000 First of all, hallelujah for ditching the cold wooden benches 209 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,440 and going with the cushioned seats. 210 00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:56,000 Also, I think if you'd retained the wooden benches, 211 00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:57,800 you'd be ruling out anyone with haemorrhoids, 212 00:09:57,800 --> 00:10:00,000 and right there you'd be halving your congregation. 213 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,920 Yeah! So, full marks on the cushions. 214 00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:04,040 The problem is the band. 215 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:06,440 I don't care how holy they are, they've got to go. 216 00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:10,560 If I want to listen to four bald men playing guitars, 217 00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:13,880 I'll listen to Will O' The Wisp down at the Boxley Wheatsheaf, 218 00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:16,640 who, to be fair, are...are pretty tight. 219 00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:18,360 They've got a good sound. 220 00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:19,960 But the church has to modernise, 221 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,360 and I said one word to you, didn't I, Lynn? 222 00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:23,440 Synthesiser. 223 00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:26,000 Synthesiser, and I said a few other words? 224 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,800 Can't remember. Simmons electronic drum kit with adjustable volume. 225 00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:33,200 I see no reason why within three years the church 226 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:35,680 should not be fully electronic. 227 00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:36,960 It's an exciting thought, isn't it? 228 00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:40,240 Er, yes. Yeah. Yes. 229 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:42,600 # The Lord's my shepherd... # 230 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:45,200 I'm pleased to say the church has since invested 231 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:49,080 in volume-controllable drums, although my intervention has 232 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:53,480 rubbed some of the older ones up the wrong way, and I don't go any more. 233 00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:54,840 In a church setting, 234 00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:58,240 electronic drum kits offer a more controlled, clean and adaptable 235 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:01,840 sound, reducing stage noise while ensuring a balanced mix. 236 00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:04,400 But try telling that to this lot. 237 00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:07,080 LOUD, DRAMATIC DRUMMING 238 00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:11,840 And so, after all this talk of the Last Supper, 239 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:15,640 I'm off for a first cuppa, with a woman I met on a dating website. 240 00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:20,200 To some people, modern dating is too cold and detached. 241 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:22,280 They say that choosing a partner should be 242 00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:24,480 different from choosing an air fryer. 243 00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:25,640 I take a different view. 244 00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:28,760 With a larger pool of dates to choose from online, there's less 245 00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:33,720 need to pussyfoot, allowing both parties to be honest and save time. 246 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:37,720 I've cut dates short after just a few minutes, and vice versa. 247 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:40,440 One woman told me, "Thanks, but no, thanks. 248 00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:42,000 "Your shoulders are too narrow, 249 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,160 "and the ear on the right-hand side of your head sits slightly 250 00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:46,000 "higher than the ear on the left-hand side of your head." 251 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:47,840 Both perfectly fair comments. 252 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:49,840 Some people don't take it too well. 253 00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:53,720 I told one date that I preferred women who don't wear glasses. 254 00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:56,240 She said, "Is that so they can't see what you look like properly?" 255 00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:58,640 And whilst I laughed in the moment, I did think, 256 00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:00,000 "What a nasty woman." 257 00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:04,400 But this afternoon, I do have a date. 258 00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:06,800 All set? 259 00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:07,920 Not with her. 260 00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:09,840 Yes. 261 00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:10,960 Ooh. 262 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:15,040 I popped the heated seat on. I know you like that. 263 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:16,840 Yes. I love it. Just level one. 264 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:19,640 Don't want to boil your arse. 265 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:22,840 First dates are always fraught with uncertainty. 266 00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:26,120 For peace of mind, I arrange to meet in a coffee shop with a big window 267 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,280 and have my assistant take a photo 268 00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:30,880 from a state-of-the-art camera phone. 269 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:32,720 Go. 270 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:32,720 CAMERA CLICKS 271 00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:36,000 We then compare it with my date's profile picture to see 272 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:37,840 if there's been a breach of trust. 273 00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,920 How...how do I zoom in? 274 00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:41,360 Just widen your fingers. 275 00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:43,480 Well... On the screen. Oh. 276 00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:47,240 Yeah, that's the back of her head. Well, she turned away. 277 00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:49,240 Right, well, OK, I'm going to have to get her to turn round. 278 00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:50,640 This time, be ready. 279 00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:52,680 Right. 280 00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:54,720 PHONE RINGING TONE 281 00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:55,760 Hello. 282 00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:56,800 Hello. 283 00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:58,120 Caught in traffic, I'm afraid. 284 00:12:58,120 --> 00:12:59,320 That's all right. 285 00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,720 Interesting fact about the building opposite you. 286 00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:04,320 There's a nest under the eaves that they say belongs to 287 00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:07,960 a couple of black-winged kites, but you have to look quite closely. 288 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:11,480 Are you looking? 289 00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:12,720 Yep. Yeah. 290 00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:14,400 CAMERA CLICKS, SIREN APPROACHES 291 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:16,680 Anyway, as I say, I'll be about ten minutes. 292 00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:18,320 Why are you saying you're ten minutes away 293 00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:19,640 when we both know you're not? 294 00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:23,160 I can hear the same ambulance down the phone as I can outside 295 00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:25,960 this place, so you're not ten minutes away. 296 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:28,240 I don't appreciate being spied on. 297 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:29,600 PHONE BEEPS 298 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:29,600 Oh. 299 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:33,320 Oh, that's a shame. 300 00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:36,400 She must've been pretty smart to piece that together. 301 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:38,600 You said you quite like clever women. 302 00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:42,680 No, I said I liked "quite clever women", Lynn. Crucial difference. 303 00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:44,880 I forgot to say my girlfriend Katrina left me 304 00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:47,520 for my best friend, Daryl Flench. 305 00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:50,680 Daryl's round at Katrina's, you can see their Range Rovers. 306 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,400 Yeah, yeah. 307 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,200 Yeah, when the three of us 308 00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:00,560 were all parked next to each other, it was red, white and blue. 309 00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:04,320 We used to look like the Union flag, wrongly called the Union Jack. 310 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:08,000 But, er, without me it's just the St George's flag. 311 00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:09,800 Well, that makes you Scotland. 312 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:11,320 Yeah, quite like Scotland. 313 00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:13,280 The Romans never conquered the Scots. No. 314 00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:15,360 That's what Hadrian's Wall was all about. 315 00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:17,600 I mean, those two won't know that, they're thick as pig shit! 316 00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:19,640 Shall I bang the horn? No. No, I'm not going to. 317 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:21,160 LOUD ACCELERATION 318 00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:24,360 But none of this is to diminish the pain of a break-up. 319 00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:27,720 You can throw yourself into new experiences, but studies show that 320 00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:32,200 anxiety is common in the aftermath, particularly if she's being a bitch. 321 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:33,840 This came as well. 322 00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:35,360 There's no stamp on it. 323 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:36,480 It's from next door. 324 00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:38,360 She wants her record player back. 325 00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:40,560 Oh, well, if she wants her record player back, 326 00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:43,400 just tell her she can prise it from my cold, dead hands. 327 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:46,560 Ah. I replaced the stylus, I changed the speakers, 328 00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:48,160 so, yeah, she can whistle Dixie. 329 00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:50,000 Probably doesn't even know what that is. 330 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:51,920 She won't even know the tune. 331 00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:53,360 She won't. No. 332 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:54,720 Do you know the tune, Lynn? 333 00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:59,000 LYNN SINGS THE TUNE OF DIXIE 334 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:09,960 Well, if she wants it back, she'll have to lawyer up. 335 00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:12,040 In fact, can you ring my lawyer up? Yeah. Yeah. 336 00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:14,400 Do you know The Yellow Rose Of Texas? Yes. 337 00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:16,440 Do you like Confederate songs? I love them. 338 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:17,520 LYNN LAUGHS 339 00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:18,680 That makes sense. 340 00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:23,920 I feel sad for Katrina, and wish her every success in moving on. 341 00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:26,520 But that's not the same as rolling over, 342 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:29,040 and that means decisive action. 343 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:34,640 Where is he? 344 00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:36,600 OK, look, we're going to have to jivvy him along. 345 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:40,240 He charges by the hour and part of an hour, and if he can eke it 346 00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:43,080 past 60 minutes, then I get charged the same amount again. 347 00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:45,160 Don't worry, I've got my game face on. 348 00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:47,360 Yeah, what game's that, Battleships? 349 00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:50,400 Sorry about that, I've, er, ooh, eaten into your time a little bit, 350 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:51,960 haven't I? Ah. 351 00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:54,560 I was just digging out your file. 352 00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:57,080 Yeah, I can see the crumbs on your tie. 353 00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:59,120 Hmm? Oh, indeed. 354 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:01,560 Well, just thought I'd squeeze in a quick sandwich while I was... 355 00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:04,040 Digging out my file. Right. Take a seat. Thank you. 356 00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:05,840 Now, how... 357 00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:08,640 ..are you? Good. 358 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:10,600 And how, may I ask... As is Lynn. 359 00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:12,520 How's old, um... Fine. 360 00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:14,320 Everyone we know is fine. 361 00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:15,440 Righty tighty. 362 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:19,360 Now, in your email you requested that 363 00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:23,680 I look into the legal situation with regards to 364 00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:30,120 items that have been contested in the aftermath of a break-up. Hmm. 365 00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:33,360 Namely, one, a record player... 366 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:35,720 ..two... 367 00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:39,720 ..don't help me... No, I will, it was a Poggenpohl fridge 368 00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:42,720 worth £5,000 that she coerced me into buying for her. Mm. 369 00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:44,120 How did she coerce you? 370 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:47,880 She gratified me physically in a way that she had previously 371 00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:50,520 declined to entertain. 372 00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:54,240 What are you doing? Sucking a boiled sweet. OK. 373 00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:59,360 Now, you asked me to consider your claims in the light of all this, 374 00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:01,840 and...I... 375 00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:03,000 ..have... 376 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:04,640 SLURPING 377 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:07,280 ..done so. 378 00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:09,560 Bottom-line it. Start with the record player. 379 00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:12,520 The issue... Sorry, would you like a cup... No. No. 380 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:17,560 ..the issue insofar as it pertains to the question is 381 00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:22,040 whether the record player has been co-owned for long enough, er, 382 00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:25,040 so that it meets the definition of joint use. 383 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:28,640 Now, as far as I know, it was in your home for... 384 00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:30,000 13 months. ..let me see. 385 00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:33,120 Er, that's January, February... 386 00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,480 13 months. ..March, April... 387 00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:37,520 Graham, Graham, it's 13 months. 388 00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:42,480 Now, what I need from you is a detailed account 389 00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:43,680 of the timeline. 390 00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:45,680 It's all in the email, Graham. 391 00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:47,080 Oh, just thought I'd 392 00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:48,160 have it again. 393 00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:53,120 Alan Gordon Partridge met Katrina Ellis 13 months ago, 394 00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:54,320 began romantic liaison, 395 00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:57,400 co-purchased record player on her credit card, but kept in his house. 396 00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:59,680 Fancy fridge on his credit card, but in her house. 397 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:01,480 He replaces stylus, she ends relationship 398 00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:02,800 and requests appliance back. 399 00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:05,080 Alan refuses, sought advice, end of story. 400 00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:06,720 Send the letter, please. Thank you and goodbye. 401 00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:07,760 Yeah. 402 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:11,040 Are you back on the Red Bull? Eh? 403 00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:15,960 How ARE you? 404 00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:23,560 Deciding to grab life by the horns isn't without its challenges. 405 00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:26,200 Some people will seek to hamper and obstruct. 406 00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,960 In my case, my former partner has taken issue with my new 407 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,360 tougher attitude. 408 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:33,120 The following private conversation is broadcast here 409 00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:34,680 with my permission. 410 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:36,760 Oh, Katrina. Lovely to see you. 411 00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:38,560 You've got my record player. 412 00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:39,720 Yes, it's in the garage. Help yourself. 413 00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:42,520 It might sound a bit crackly, though, because I put the old stylus 414 00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:44,920 back on, having removed the one that I paid for. 415 00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:47,280 Whatever. Oh, and, er, bad news. 416 00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:48,600 Erm, yeah. 417 00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:51,000 Two mice have eaten through your Bose speakers. 418 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,240 For... 419 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:53,680 Well, how's that happened? 420 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:55,840 Cos I rubbed some cheese on. 421 00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:57,160 That's mature. 422 00:18:57,160 --> 00:18:58,960 What, me or the cheese? Ha-ha. 423 00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:01,400 Hey, how's your big brown boy? 424 00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:03,560 Daryl is fine, thank you. 425 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,920 No hard feelings whatsoever. 426 00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:08,360 Oh. Should tell him to try Viagra. 427 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:12,560 Right, I'll tell him next week, at the Bahrain Grand Prix. 428 00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:16,280 What, you got tickets for the Grand Prix? 429 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:17,840 In the stands, probably. 430 00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:20,680 Pit lane access, full hospitality package. 431 00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:22,960 If you've got the money, you're more than welcome to join us. 432 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:26,640 Do I want to fly to the Middle East and get heatstroke 433 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:29,000 while I watch some men change tyres quickly? 434 00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:34,080 Hmm, I think I'd rather be on a long-haul flight, 435 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:36,560 in economy class, in the middle seat, 436 00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:40,880 with Noel Edmonds on one side, and...and another Noel Edmonds 437 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:42,800 on the other. And guess who the air stewardess is? 438 00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:44,440 It's Noel Edmonds. 439 00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:45,520 Pathetic. 440 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:50,280 I was enjoying seizing the day, but what I didn't realise was that the 441 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:52,120 freedom to try new things... 442 00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:53,760 CONGREGATION SINGS 443 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,160 ..was leaving me dangerously untethered. 444 00:19:56,160 --> 00:19:57,600 ..arse of the person in front of you. 445 00:19:57,600 --> 00:20:00,720 My encounter with Katrina had gone well, with friends agreeing 446 00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:02,440 the Noel Edmonds line was as good as 447 00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:03,480 anything you'd hear from 448 00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:05,360 a professional comedian. I now know 449 00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:06,720 I should've left it there. 450 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:08,480 Alan Partridge! 451 00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:10,720 APPLAUSE 452 00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:13,200 What an audience. What an audience. 453 00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:15,640 Yeah, looking good. Looking good. 454 00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:18,240 Where are you from? Norwich. 455 00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:19,480 And where are you from? 456 00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:20,600 Norwich. 457 00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:21,920 And where are you from? 458 00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:22,960 Norwich. 459 00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,040 And where are you from? 460 00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:25,200 Norwich. 461 00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:26,560 And where are you from? 462 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:27,720 Norwich. 463 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:31,560 What else has been goin' on? 464 00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:36,480 I went to the supermarket the other day, nipped down there, and it 465 00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:40,000 just... I got there and I could not believe how many milks there are. 466 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,600 We've got too many milks! 467 00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:44,000 Come on! 468 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:46,520 Oat milk, hemp milk, soya milk, 469 00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:51,400 rice milk, buffalo milk, condensed milk. 470 00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:55,120 Er, I mean, the list goes... I've written them down here. 471 00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:56,800 Potato milk! 472 00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:59,360 You don't get chips from a cow! 473 00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:01,600 I've got a bit about gender stuff, can't do that, 474 00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:04,480 because the barperson said he is one. 475 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:06,080 Um... 476 00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:08,160 ..er, but, oh, this is a funny... No, I can't do that, 477 00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:10,800 they found that body. So, what else has been going on? 478 00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:12,040 Are you at a low ebb? 479 00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:14,640 You look like you are. Is that cos I bollocked you earlier, yeah? 480 00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:17,200 Cos you were giving it that? Just wind your neck in. 481 00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:20,920 Looking at the footage now, I see a troubled funny man indeed. 482 00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:22,360 Fucking crucified you, mate. 483 00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:24,400 For while others say it was objectively funny, 484 00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:28,200 with strong gags and good crowd work, to me, something feels off, 485 00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:31,720 like seeing a tattooed toddler, or Nick Ferrari dancing. 486 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,280 While some might draw pleasure from jetting off to the 487 00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:38,600 Bahrain Grand Prix, where the flag is as chequered as Bahrain's 488 00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:42,720 human rights record, true joy for me comes from helping others. 489 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:45,640 If I want to find mental contentment, 490 00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:49,120 it's not my day I need to seize, it's someone else's. 491 00:21:49,120 --> 00:21:50,880 But who to help? 492 00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:53,680 During my time as a radio DJ, I received 493 00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:56,800 thousands of letters from listeners, and I binned them all. 494 00:21:56,800 --> 00:22:00,120 But pottering in my office recently, I found one. 495 00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:03,160 Spixworth resident Gillian Groves was one of the show's most 496 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:04,640 prolific contributors. 497 00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:06,600 Along with Diane Bow and Patricia Dove, 498 00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:09,640 she was one of the big three, never short of a reason to complain 499 00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:12,880 about anything from dog fouling to Romanians. 500 00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:17,240 That was nasty Mancs Oasis, with one of their songs. 501 00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:18,600 Yes, indeed. 502 00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:21,400 Now, all week we have been giving shout-outs to 503 00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:24,040 listeners in need of a good old-fashioned cheer-up. 504 00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:27,240 We've had quite a few sad stories. No time to go through them all, 505 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:31,440 but to sum up, we have had shed blew away, horse destroyed, 506 00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:33,880 hairdresser moved... Find another one. 507 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:37,560 ..granny swindled, and bad porn found. 508 00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:42,080 But one that stood out for us was from Gillian Groves, 509 00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:44,760 a retired nurse in Spixworth... Take your time. 510 00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:46,160 ..who writes...who writes, 511 00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:50,000 "I always enjoyed the two-fingered Cadbury's Time Out bars. 512 00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:52,320 POSH VOICE: "They may not be fashionable or cool, 513 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:53,840 "they probably don't..." Read it normally. 514 00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:56,440 "They probably don't eat them on yachts or in Buckingham Palace, 515 00:22:56,440 --> 00:22:59,120 "but they brought a lot of joy to a lot of people. 516 00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:02,680 "When Cadbury's stopped making them, my family were really angry. 517 00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:05,360 "We've been trying to contact Cadbury's, 518 00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:09,240 "but we've been met with a veritable wall of silence." 519 00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:10,840 Not so much as a whisper. 520 00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:13,240 Yeah, a Cadbury's Wispa. Which is why I said it. 521 00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:14,840 Yeah, come on, Cadbury's. 522 00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:16,640 I mean, it's not much to ask. 523 00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:19,960 You know, a retired nurse, devoted her whole life to the care of... 524 00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:22,040 A dental nurse. Is it? Yeah. 525 00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:24,320 Oh, well, all right, then, you know, a dental nurse, 526 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:28,640 spent her whole life chatting to people and providing pink water, 527 00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:32,000 should be able to eat her preferred chocolate wafer. 528 00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:33,680 As long as she brushes her teeth afterwards. 529 00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:35,880 Well, she'll know that. Course she will. She will know. 530 00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:38,800 So, as you can see, Gillian was in desperate need of a mental 531 00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:42,480 health boost, and I intend to give it to her right now. 532 00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:46,200 She's away on a coach trip, leaving me 533 00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:49,680 and a few willing volunteers 24 hours to make a difference to 534 00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:52,720 her mental health, by sprucing up her terrible house. 535 00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:55,000 Right. 536 00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:58,640 I'm here with two strippers. 537 00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:00,920 No, not that kind, you wouldn't want these two 538 00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:04,080 taking their clothes off whilst staring into your eyes. 539 00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:06,440 Or maybe you would. Maybe you would. 540 00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:08,000 All right, lads? 541 00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:09,400 Yeah, good. Great. 542 00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:12,920 Just stripping wallpaper, eh? Yeah. 543 00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:15,280 Yeah. 544 00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:24,000 I-I-I'll leave you to it, then, yeah. 545 00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:25,280 And no slacking! 546 00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:26,600 Tea breaks every hour?! 547 00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:27,880 Keep my eye on you two. 548 00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:31,800 I later learned this decorator was fitted with a catheter 549 00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:33,560 which needed emptying every hour, 550 00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:36,240 but that does not explain why his friend had to go too. 551 00:24:37,360 --> 00:24:38,760 Come on, gather. 552 00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:41,800 18 hours later, and the renovation is complete. 553 00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:44,600 Margaret Thatcher would be proud of you, which means 554 00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:48,880 I'm proud of you, because you work for absolutely nothing. 555 00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:51,040 Don't forget, you're the cogs. 556 00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:54,040 Without you, the machine stops working. 557 00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:57,480 But keep that under your hat, yeah? Wouldn't want it getting around. 558 00:24:57,480 --> 00:24:58,800 THEY LAUGH 559 00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:01,720 Seriously, though, you know, whatever you do for a living, 560 00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:03,800 if someone from a union comes up and starts bending your ear 561 00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:07,160 about working conditions, just tell the bods upstairs, leave it to them. 562 00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:09,240 And give yourselves a round of applause. 563 00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:18,440 Remember, you don't come out till I say "surprise", yeah? 564 00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:20,480 Cos you did it so badly when we practised it. 565 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,200 Gillian. Yes. 566 00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:28,480 Gillian Groves? Yes. 567 00:25:28,480 --> 00:25:30,080 Surprise! 568 00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:31,480 TRADESPEOPLE: Surprise! 569 00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:34,200 Gillian, you wrote to me several years ago 570 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:36,840 when I was a DJ at North Norfolk Digital. 571 00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:38,080 I wrote to lots of people. 572 00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:41,480 OK, well, I haven't forgotten you, and we decided today it was 573 00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:45,080 time to give you something you won't forget - a brand-new house. 574 00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:46,240 You've bought me a house? 575 00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:48,320 No, but we've taken a room in your old house 576 00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:50,440 and made it look...made it seem like a new... Who's that man? 577 00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:52,760 Doesn't matter about that. Come with me. 578 00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:54,080 Alan Partridge. 579 00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:57,800 That's right. So, let's have a look at your new home. 580 00:25:57,800 --> 00:25:59,360 Walk into your house. 581 00:25:59,360 --> 00:26:00,720 MUSIC: Fix You by Coldplay 582 00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:04,960 This was her lounge before. 583 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:06,080 But now... 584 00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:15,400 Here you go. Thank you. 585 00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:17,120 ALAN WHISTLES 586 00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:19,320 Wow. 587 00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:20,680 I think we like this. 588 00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:25,480 Yeah. Yeah. 589 00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:28,400 You're all right. You're all right. 590 00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:32,280 Hey? Lovely, isn't it, eh? Some marvellous... 591 00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:35,240 Is it finished? On time and on budget. 592 00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:37,800 But are the walls just going to be white? 593 00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:39,760 Going to be white? They are white. 594 00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:41,440 It's a bit different from what it was before. 595 00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:44,240 Yeah, different's good. I like change. 596 00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:46,400 Is that my chair out there? 597 00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:47,720 Er, in the skip? 598 00:26:47,720 --> 00:26:50,080 That's your old chair, yeah, but that's a brand-new chair. 599 00:26:50,080 --> 00:26:51,680 It's good to change things, Gillian. 600 00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:57,360 Where's my little horse pulling a cart with barrels on it? 601 00:26:57,360 --> 00:27:00,120 Oh, you mean the ceramic horse pulling the miniature beer barrels? 602 00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:04,480 Yeah, I've got to say, Gillian, that was pretty horrible, 603 00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:07,240 and I think most...most people thought that. 604 00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:09,000 Well, I liked it. 605 00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:12,520 You didn't like it, Gillian, you were just used to it. 606 00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:16,720 I-I would love to live here, I really would. 607 00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:22,680 Change is always unsettling, but in the end, 608 00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:25,520 after each volunteer had spoken to Maureen separately... 609 00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:28,160 What have you... ..we managed to make her see that she did like 610 00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:29,640 the new room after all. 611 00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:31,000 Who told you I'd like this? 612 00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:34,880 And so, thanks to these exciting new experiences, 613 00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:38,600 I've learned, for better mental health, I need to seize the day. 614 00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:40,040 Make your lives extraordinary. 615 00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:42,840 And I hope others will seize the day too. 616 00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:44,880 Together, we can all be seizers, which is 617 00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:47,200 the name of a gay sauna in Norwich. 618 00:27:47,200 --> 00:27:48,400 Class dismissed. 619 00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:55,520 # Tears stream down your face 620 00:27:55,520 --> 00:28:02,160 # I promise you I will learn from my mistakes 621 00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:08,960 # Tears stream down your face 622 00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:12,040 # And I... #