嗨 hi
布莱恩·法尔图克报道 I'm Brian Faltook
我想跟你谈谈你为什么要问这个问题 and I want to talk to you about why you need to ask
为了你真正想要的 for what you really want
听起来很明显，对吧 may sound kind of obvious right
如果你想要什么，那就请便吧 if you want something asked for it
还有比这更大的 there's a lot bigger than that
问题是我们实际上并没有这么做 and the thing is we don't actually do it
你们中有多少人有过远大的目标或梦想 so how many of you have had really big goals or dreams
也许你害怕了 that maybe you got scared
也许它们太大了 maybe they're too big
你不会想把它说出去的 and you don't want to put it out there
因为你害怕别人嘲笑你 because you're afraid someone might laugh at you
或者看着你失败并努力实现它 or watch you fail and try to achieve it
所以你忍住了 so you hold back
也许你小时候也这么做过 maybe you did that when you were a kid
当你没有责任感的时候 when you didn't have the whole sense of responsibility
现实和限制 and reality and restrictions
但现在你有点退缩了 but now you hold back a bit
就是那种感觉 thing is that feeling
让我们无法实现我们真正想要的 keeps us from achieving what we really want
包括我自己 myself included
我决定克服它 and I decided to overcome it
去拿我真正想要的东西 and grab those things I really wanted
我想弄清楚 and I want to figure out
我怎样才能帮助别人做同样的事情呢 how can I help others do the same thing
所以我想分享我所学到的 so I want to share what I Learned
在我的现实生活研究中 in my real life research if you will
让我从这个故事开始 so let me start with the story
两年前和一周前的今天 so two years ago and one week today
我出版了我的第一本书，叫《一天》 I published my first book called do a day
当我准备扑灭它的时候 and when I was getting ready to put it out
我周围的人问我你的目标是什么 people around me were like what's your goal
你是在推销 you're trying to sell
数百万份，然后辞职退休 millions of copies and quit your job and retire
这听起来很棒，但这并不是我真正的目标 which sounds awesome but that wasn't really my goal
我真的只想有影响力 I really just wanted to have impact
并产生如此广泛的影响 and have impact in such a broad way
这帮助了很多人 that was helping a lot of people
改变他们的生活 change their lives
所以我有了这些明确的目标 and so I had these specific goals
这些特别的梦有点 these specific dreams that were sort of
对影响的测量 measurements of that impact
我想和大家分享 and I wanted to share them with people
即使它们有点疯狂、狂野或庞大 even if they were a little bit crazy or wild or big
我想把它们扔出去 I wanted to throw them out
所以当人们问我你想要达到什么目标时 so when people ask me what are you trying to achieve
你的目标是什么? what are your goals
我给他们两个 I give them two
第一个 first one
说我想上台做Ted演讲 said I want to be on stage doing a Ted talk
我说得不太对 I'm not quite there right
这是Tedx，这是我的第三次Tedx，所以我觉得 this is Tedx this is my third Tedx so I feel like
火车驶离了车站 trains left the station making progress
我甚至还做了这个 I even made this
不是太可笑，只是有点可笑 not too ridiculous but slightly ridiculous
Photoshop图像 Photoshop image
我把我的身体拍打在我甚至不认识的人身上 I slapped my body on I don't even know who
看，我甚至把它折起来戴上了 look I even doubled it up and put it on
猪筛 the pig screen
虽然我的头很突出 although my head's protruding
无论如何 anyway
我把它打得很惨 I went full boar on it right
就像愿景板一样 vision board kind of way
我把这张照片放到了脸书上 and I threw that image up on Facebook
灯光开始涌进来 and the lights just start pouring in
人们会说，哦，我的天哪 and people are saying things like oh my God
我喜欢Ted演讲 I love Ted Talks
这是你做的吗天哪，我希望我知道 is that from you doing one oh my I wish I knew
我会在那里的 I would have been there
人们喜欢 people like
当你想让他们坐在前排的时候 when you do want them to be in the front row
非常非常支持 really really supportive
知道我书的故事的人会说 and people who knew the story of my book were like
让Ted演讲如此精彩 that makes such a great Ted talk
暗示暗示泰德 hint hint Ted
但我从来没有得到的是有人喜欢 but what I never got was anyone being like
哦，你需要回到现实中来 oh you need to come back down to earth
让我们现实一点 let's get real for a minute
他们真的很支持我 they were really really supportive
我喜欢我提出我的目标 I love that I put out my goal
每个人都支持我 everyone had my back
然后我展示了第二个进球 and then I showed the second goal
稍有不同的情况准备好了 slightly different situation ready for it
我想坐在树林里 I want to sit in the woods
和奥普拉一起上《超级灵魂周日 with Oprah on Super Soul Sunday
做一期节目 doing an episode of the show
现在我并没有做出高质量的东西 now I didn't put out this really high quality
ps的工作，我的头很清楚 Photoshop job where my head clearly
尺寸角度和光照是否合适 is the right size angle and lighting
可怜的乔尔·欧斯汀 poor Joel Osteen
我想那就是我 I think that's who I
把我的大脑袋打上去 slap that giant version of my head on
就像一个泡泡头，有点吓人 it's like a bobble head it's kind of scary
我没有把它放在那里 I didn't put that out there
然而,即使是 yet even
如果没有这个图像 without that image
我得到了截然不同的反应 I got a very different set of reactions
比我从Ted演讲中得到的要多 than I got with the Ted talk
也不是为了上电视 and it wasn't about getting on TV
不是为了见奥普拉 it wasn't about meeting Oprah
我对这些都无所谓 I'm fine with all those things
但事实并非如此 but that's not what it was
而是我能不能上她的节目 it was if I was going to be able to be on her show
那只会出现 that would only come
因为我的信息引起了很大的共鸣 because my message was resonating in such a big way
她会让我上节目 that she would have me on the show
所以我得到了一些反应 and so I got some reactions
就像我说的，非常不同 like I said very different
通常我会听到两件事中的一件 and typically I'd hear one of two things
要么他们锻炼得很好 either people were exercising that great
这是他们父母的忠告 piece of advice from their parents
如果你没有什么好说的 if you don't have anything nice to say
什么也别说 don't say anything at all
我就像沉默的蟋蟀 and I get like silence crickets
也许他们脸上有一种奇怪的表情 maybe a strange look on their face
或者更频繁地 or more frequently
我知道你们有些人的反应 I got the reaction that some of you gave
笑声 laughter
没关系 it's okay
我不是在笑 it wasn't laughter with me
那是在嘲笑我，不过没关系 it was laughter at me but that's okay
但我觉得大家都在嘲笑我 but what I decided is yeah people are laughing at me
我在乎这个吗 do I care is that
足以让我停止追求我的目标 enough for me to stop ongoing for my goals
我不打算把书拿出去吗 am I not going to put my book out
难道我不会试着把信息传达出去吗 am I not going to try to get the message out there
我是谁? and am I
不会努力去获得我想要的影响 not going to strive to have the impact I want to have
希望能让我登上那些舞台 and hopefully land me on those stages and
沙发在中间 couches in the middle of
我不知道谁在森林里有沙发，但是 I don't know who has a couch in the forest but
我要停下来吗，因为 Oprah does am I going to stop just because
人们认为这很荒谬 people think it's ridiculous
不，我不是 no I'm not
当我体会到那种感觉 and when I realized that feeling
因为我也是一名生活教练 being that I also am a life coach I was like
我要利用这个 I gotta tap into this
我得弄清楚为什么我对这件事有不同的感觉 I need to figure out why do I feel different about this
为什么我愿意继续前进 and why am I willing to push ahead
即使面对人们的嘲笑 even in the face of people laughing
这样我就可以帮助其他人做同样的事情 so I can help others do the same
因为我们都不敢分享自己的远大目标 because we all hit big goals we're afraid to share
于是我问自己 and so I asked myself
你知道最坏的情况是什么吗 you know what's the worst thing that could happen
是我把它放出来的 by me putting this out there
我暂时把笑声放在一边 I put the laughter aside for a minute
最坏的情况是什么 what's the worst thing that happens
因为我现在没有参加《超级灵魂周日 because I'm not on Super Soul Sunday right now
所以可能发生的最糟糕的事情就是 so the worst thing that could possibly happen is
没什么，我只是还没赶上超级灵魂周日 nothing I'm just still not on Super Soul Sunday
所以也许没有坏处 so maybe there's no downside
当你要求某事时 when you ask for something
只有两种可能的结果 there's only two possible outcomes
要么去找点什么 either get something
否则你什么都得不到 or you get nothing
就是这样 that's it
既然你现在一无所有 and since you have nothing right now
只有一种可能 there's really only one way it can go
这和现在不一样 that's different from right now
这样你就能到达你想去的地方 and that's you get where you want to be
除此之外什么都没有改变，所以这是唯一的好处 otherwise nothing changes so it's kind of only upside
但这不是我们倾向于思考这些事情的方式 but that's not how we tend to think about these things
我们不考虑好的方面 we don't think about the upside
相反，我们最终会关注消极的一面 instead we end up focusing on the negativity
为什么我们这么在乎那些无关紧要的事 why do we care so much about nothing
但我从来没这么想过 but I never really thought about it that way
这就是为什么我被 that's like why am I bothered by
一些根本不存在的东西 something that doesn't even exist
目前的情况也不例外 current state of affairs no different
我挺喜欢我现在的生活的，有什么不好的呢 I kind of like my life right now so why is that so bad
是恐惧 it's fear
我越是审视自己 the more I looked at myself
我就越 the more I
和我的教练以及我身边的人交谈 talked to people I was coaching and people around me
是恐惧 it's fear
也许你会说，是啊 and maybe you're like yeah
很明显你是害怕被嘲笑什么的 obviously you're afraid to get laughed at or whatever
好吧，恐惧不是 yeah okay fear's not
这个答案够我说的了 enough of an answer for me to say
现在我知道该怎么做了 now I know what to do about it
我们得再深入调查一下 we gotta dig into this some more
于是我照做了 so I did
我越是深入研究 and the more I looked into it
我试着找出我们害怕的是什么 I tried to figure out what is it that we fear
很多东西都出来了 and a number of things came out
恐惧的判断 fear judgment
就像所有笑的人一样 it's like all the people who laugh
哦，我不想把我的目标说出来 oh I don't want to put my goal out there
因为我可能会被嘲笑 because I might get laughed at
我可能会被认为很可笑 I might be seen as ridiculous
我不想让你对我有这种感觉 I don't want you to feel that about me
那比什么都没有还糟 that's worse than nothing
对，这比得到 right that's worse than getting
你的目标还是没有实现 your goal or not getting it
我们害怕公众的失败 we fear public failure
所以如果我把我的目标放在那里，我就会引起轰动 so if I put my goal out there and I make a big splash
但我没有做到 and I don't achieve it
你只知道我没有做到 all you know that I didn't achieve it
你们都知道我是个失败者 you all know that I'm a failure
那比什么都没有还糟 that's worse than nothing
当我们害怕被拒绝时 when we fear rejection
我宁愿在舞会上痛苦地坐在一边 I'd rather sit on the side miserable at the dance
没有邀请那个特别的人跳舞 not asking that special someone to dance
而不是去冒险 than taking the risk
和某人玩得很开心 of having a good time with someone
我想和你共度美好时光 I want to have a good time with
让他们告诉我不，我不喜欢你 and having them tell me no I don't like you
不，你不够好 no you're not good enough
不，我不想和你跳舞 no I don't want to dance with you
那比什么都没有还糟 that's worse than nothing
但实际上这些都不是我们这么做的原因 but actually none of that is the reason we do it
或者更准确地说我们不这么做的原因 or act more accurately the reason we don't do it
我们没有把我们的目标说出来 we don't put our goals out there
我们不会要求我们真正想要的东西 we don't ask for what we really want
这些都是表面的东西 those are surface level things
我一直在挖掘 I kept digging
有一个一直存在的恐惧 and there was one consistent fear
这实际上阻碍了我们的发展 that actually was holding us back
这种恐惧 and that fear
是确认吗? is the confirmation
我们还不够好 that we aren't good enough
我们所确认的是我们内心的东西 and what we're confirming is something within us
因为恐惧来自于我们自己 because that fear comes from us
这是内心的声音 it's this little voice inside
这说明你还不够好 that's telling us you're not good enough
你不能这么做 you can't do it
反正你也不配 and you don't deserve it anyway
我们不想让那个小声音说 we don't want that little voice to get to say
我早就告诉过你 I told you so
这才是我们真正害怕的 that's really what we're afraid of
现在它来自于我们 now it comes from us
这是我们自己造成的 we're doing this to ourselves
如何 how
我看得越多，观察得也越多 more looked into it the more I observed
我看到了我们所有的行为 I saw all the behaviors that we do
这强化了这个信息 that reinforced this message
我们还不够好 that we're not good enough
我们不配 that we don't deserve it
我们没有能力实现它 that we're not capable of achieving it
所以为什么要问呢 so why bother asking in the first place
我们会做一些事情 and there's a few things we do
首先，我们自己开玩笑 the first we make jokes at our own expense
我们都这样做 we all do this
这是社会可以接受的，是一种社会规范 it's socially acceptable it's kind of a societal norm
我们一直在自我贬低 we self deprecate all the time
我们把自己当成了一个笑话 we put ourselves down as a joke
所以其他人不会认真对待 so other people don't do it seriously
因为那样更糟 because that's worse
就像我的小奥普拉形象 like my little Oprah image
你们注意到我拿它开玩笑了 you guys notice I made jokes about it
我拿这幅画开玩笑 I made fun of the picture
我可能会说，看 I could have been like look
我知道我的ps做得不是很好 I know I didn't do the best job in Photoshop
但是，让我们去做吧 but yeah let's go do it
就像Ted演讲一样 just like with the Ted talk
同样的事情不是最好的ps，但是 same thing not the best Photoshop job but
我对它充满了信心和信心 I was all empowered about it and positive about it
我在别人之前说服了自己 I talked myself down before anyone else could
我是那些嘲笑我的人之一 I was one of those people laughing at me
所以我们都这么做 so we all do it
我们不接受赞美 we don't take compliments
当有人称赞你的时候会发生什么 what happens when someone compliments you
你说呢? what do you say
你不能只说谢谢 you don't just say thanks
你说谢谢屁股 you say thanks butt
然后你把所有的赞美都说下去 and then you talk the whole compliment down
哦，你今天的头发看起来很棒 so oh your hair looks great today
谢谢，但我刚做过 oh thanks but I just had it done
通常看起来很糟糕 normally it looks terrible
或者你那天的演讲做得很好 or you did a great job presenting the other day
谢谢 thanks
但你知道我在那张幻灯片上搞砸了 but you know I kind of messed up on that slide and
我忘了我要强调的一点 I forgot that one point I was going to make
或者每个人似乎都得到的例子是这样的 or the example that everyone seems to get is like
去别人家吃晚饭 going to someone's house for dinner
并称赞他们的食物 and complimenting them on the food
他们说了什么? what did they say
比如哦，谢谢，但是你知道我忘记把这个放进去了 like oh thanks but you know I forgot to put this in or
你知道这道甜点做得不对 you know the dessert didn't come out right
谢谢，但是我把鸡肉煮过头了 or thanks but I kind of overcooked the chicken
我哥哥总是这样说 my brother in this way of always saying
就像他基本上 like he'd basically
取消你对当前饭菜的赞美 undo your compliment about the current meal
把你重定向到上周 and redirect you to last week
他总是说 he always talked about like
你上周就该来了 oh you should have been here last week
真是太棒了 it was this awesome
就像每次我在他家吃饭一样 like every time I had dinner at his house
他总是提起上周发生的事 he'd always bring up whatever it was last week
直到最后我说 until finally I was like
你为什么不让我上周就过去 why don't you just have me over last week
它总是比你刚做的东西好 it's always better than whatever you just made of
我们不庆祝胜利 we hold back on celebrating our wins
这又是一个社会问题 and again it's a societal thing
就像我们不想被视为自我中心一样 like we don't want to be seen as egotists
我们不想让别人失望 we don't want to put others down
所以我们扼杀了它 so we stifle it
当我们做得很好的时候 when we do really well
我们把它说下去 we talk it down
我们根本不谈这个 we don't talk about it at all
也许我们在某些方面是这样做的 maybe we do in some things
但是有很多事情 but there's lots of things where
我们很担心这种感觉 we're so worried about the perception
我们什么都不说 that we don't say anything
我高中时的一个好朋友 a good friend of mine in high school
我的成绩总是全A got like straight A's always
而不是每次考试都得100分 not just A's like 100 on every test
每次他都这么做 and every time he did
他会有一些借口的 he'd have some excuse for it
哦，那是因为 oh that was because
你知道每个人都做得很差 you know what everyone did poorly
我只是做得好一点，而且是在一条曲线上 I just did a little bit better and it was on a curve
好像他总是有现成的借口 like he always had some ready made excuse
不，你真的很聪明，你全身心投入 like no you're really smart and you dedicate yourself
比如你为什么要把它说下去 like why are you talking it down
最后，我喜欢这款游戏 lastly I love this game
谁知道这个游戏 who knows the game
谁更糟糕你们玩这个游戏吗 who has it worse do you guys play this game
所以就像昨晚谁睡得少一样 so it's like who slept less last night
谁的作业多，谁的教授更差 who has more homework whose professors worse
谁的老板更刻薄 whose boss is meaner
谁的另一半更爱他们 whose significant other loves them less
谁的钱少谁的车 who has less money whose cars
比如上周谁的流感更严重 like who had the flu worse last week
我们都会说，天哪 we all get into it's like oh my god
我想我昨晚工作到11点 I think I was working to like 11 last night
我才十一岁 I'm like eleven
你是什么孩子 what are you a baby
就像我们熬夜到两点还没做完一样 like we were up till 2 and we didn't even finish
然后你会听到什么回应 and then what do you hear back
就像上周一样 oh well like last week
我有三天没睡 I didn't sleep for like three days
三天来，就这样来来回回 three days it's just this back and forth
不管你说得有多糟 no matter how bad you paint the picture
他们回来的时候会更糟 they're gonna come back worse
并最终 and ultimately
要么它永远不会结束，直到 either it never ends until
你俩都死在你的故事里了 you're both dead in your stories or
那个最痛苦的人 the one who's the most miserable
我的生活是最糟糕的 gets that prize yeah my life's the worst
我们在做什么? what are we doing
我们其实是在庆祝 what we're doing is actually celebrating
我们能做的最消极的事情 the most negative things we can
并强化你生活中的这种形象 and reinforcing this image that your life has
痛苦 to be miserable
或者是悲惨的 or it is miserable
说它不是很糟糕 and it's a bad thing to say it isn't
正确的 right
我们已经陷入了消极的恶性循环 we've got this vicious cycle of negativity going on
足够的 enough
好了，我们换衣服吧 all right enough let's change
所以我很幸运能和人们一起工作来帮助他们 so I'm lucky I get to work with people to help them
不仅仅是说够了 not just say enough
但是要做点什么 but do something about it
所以 so
想出一些方法来帮助对抗它 come up with some ways to help combat it
我希望每个人都在这里，都在看这个 and I want everyone here and everyone watching this
加入我，你们都可以这样做 to join me you guys can all do this
这些都很简单 it's simple stuff
我们将开始扭转局势 and we're going to start to turn the tide
那么我们能做什么呢 so what can we do
和我一起工作的每个人，我给你们第一个练习 everybody I work with I give this first exercise to you
这叫停屁股 it's called stop the butt
大多数人认为是另一个屁股 and most people think it's the other butt
我不是在说那个，只是 not talking about that just b U t
当有人称赞你的时候 when someone pays you a compliment
包括你自己 including yourself
当你自我感觉良好的时候 when you have a nice thought about yourself
一旦“屁股”这个词出现在你的脑海里，停下来 as soon as that word butt comes into your mind stop
这是你的信号 that's your signal
说声谢谢 just say thank you
或者你还没来得及说声谢谢 or if you can't bring yourself to say thank you yet
也许你不在那个地方 maybe you're not at that place
你可以理解他们的感受 you can appreciate how they felt about it
就说我很高兴你这么想 and just say I'm so glad you feel that way
这对我来说意义重大 or wow that means a lot to me
就像欣赏他们的幸福 just like appreciate their happiness
最终你会开始欣赏你自己的 and eventually you'll start to appreciate your own
所以它不是 so it's not
你做得很好，谢谢，但这只是谢谢 oh you did a great job thanks but it's just thanks
允许你有好的一面吧 just allow for that good thing about you
在那里 to be out there
你不仅感觉好多了 not only do you feel better
但是想想其他人 but think about the other person
他们只是告诉你他们的感受 they've just told you how they feel
如果你继续申请解雇的话 and if you keep going with your dismissal
你在告诉他们，他们的感觉是无效的 you're telling them their feelings are invalid
没有人喜欢自己的感觉被否定 nobody likes their feelings to be invalidated
所以停止这样做 so stop doing it
他们不会一直支持你的 they're not going to keep supporting you
如果你一直否定他们的感受 if you keep invalidating how they feel
所以别再胡闹了 so stop the butt
现在每个人都开始这么做了 everybody's going to start doing that now
这是你的关键词 that's your key word
接下来别玩谁更惨 next don't play who's got it worse
这不是一个很酷的游戏 it's not a cool game
没那么有趣 it's not that fun
你连个应用都没有 you don't even have an app for it
如果有人想玩，谁的情况更糟 if someone wants to play who's got it worse
做一个好朋友，要有同情心 be a good friend and have compassion
不要试图说，使他们的痛苦无效 don't invalidate their misery by trying to say
你的情况更糟 you've got it worse
就说，哇，这听起来真的很难 just say wow that sounds really tough
即使你有 even if you do have
即使他们一直工作到 like even if they were working till
11，你到1 11 and you went to 1
他们不需要 they don't need to
来回移动 go back and forth
就说，哇，那一定很艰难 just say wow that must have been really hard
或者你一定很累了，或者我很抱歉听到这个消息 or you must be really tired or I'm sorry to hear that
就这样吧 leave it there
做一个好朋友 be a good friend
有同情心 have compassion
不要和他们吵架 don't start sparring with them
因为你们俩都会输 because you're both going to lose
最后要考虑好的方面 and lastly allow for the good
如果你们赢了 if you guys have a win
你不用说话也没关系 it's okay you don't have to talk it down
如果你成功了，感受一下吧 if you have a success feel it
不要幸灾乐祸，不要贬低别人 don't gloat don't put other people down
但做得好是完全可以的 but it's perfectly fine to do well
谦逊是有区别的 there's a difference between humility
而自我主义 and egotism where
你没必要羞辱自己 you don't have to humiliate yourself
不让人觉得你是个自大狂 to not be seen as an egotist
就像你还能保持谦逊一样 like you can still have humility
但也要尊重你自己和你的成功 but also respect yourself and your successes
所以我们要做的是 so what we're doing
扭转消极的恶性循环吗 is turning that vicious cycle of negativity
进入良性循环 into a virtuous cycle
自我强化强化积极性 of self reinforcing reinforcing positivity
当你不再关注坏事的时候 when you stop focusing on the bad
你开始向好的方面发展 you start going for the good
包括那些狂野的梦想 including those wild dreams
你觉得别人可能会嘲笑你 that you think people might laugh at you about
所以我希望你们都问问自己 so I want you all to ask yourselves
你在做什么梦啊 what dream do you have
而不是你现在想要的 that you're not asking for right now
你需要什么支持 what support do you need
从那些你不敢开口的人那里 from others that you're afraid to ask for
你需要从自己那里得到什么支持呢 what support do you need from yourself
这不是你想要的 that you're not asking for
如果你真的想要的话 if you really want it
问问 just ask
我不是在说教，我要去 I'm not just preaching this I'm going
也要练习 to practice it too
所以正式 so officially
奥普拉 Oprah
如果你在看我们很可能在看 if you're watching us which probably are
我准备好了，等你准备好了，你可以发短信给我 I'm ready when you are you can DM me or whatever
我准备好了 I'm ready
我喜欢我随时都愿意坐的沙发 love the couch I'm happy to sit on in any time
谢谢大家 thanks everyone