1
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,755
[narrator]
If
2
00:00:07,767 --> 00:00:09,217
you have sex, what does it
look like?
3
00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:11,428
And when you
fantasize about sex,
4
00:00:11,553 --> 00:00:13,930
and we know the vast
majority of you do,
5
00:00:14,097 --> 00:00:15,598
what does that
look like?
6
00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:18,018
Is it sex you
want to have?
7
00:00:18,393 --> 00:00:20,061
Or is it something
else entirely?
8
00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:23,481
On one of the biggest
porn sites, PornHub,
9
00:00:23,565 --> 00:00:25,582
three of the most
searched terms
10
00:00:25,594 --> 00:00:27,652
are "mom," "stepmom,"
and "MILF,"
11
00:00:27,819 --> 00:00:29,237
another flavor
of "mom."
12
00:00:29,738 --> 00:00:31,837
But porn doesn't
necessarily reflect
13
00:00:31,849 --> 00:00:33,700
our true private
fantasies.
14
00:00:33,825 --> 00:00:35,296
To find
that out,
15
00:00:35,308 --> 00:00:37,203
you have to actually
ask people.
16
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:40,158
I surveyed almost
4,200 Americans
17
00:00:40,170 --> 00:00:41,875
from all
50 states,
18
00:00:41,958 --> 00:00:44,502
people ranging in
age from 18 to 87,
19
00:00:44,627 --> 00:00:46,964
ranging all different
gender identities,
20
00:00:46,976 --> 00:00:48,715
sexual
orientations,
21
00:00:48,798 --> 00:00:50,675
demographic and
political backgrounds,
22
00:00:50,759 --> 00:00:52,427
and I asked them
hundreds of questions.
23
00:00:52,969 --> 00:00:53,971
[narrator]
According
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00:00:53,983 --> 00:00:54,429
to his
survey,
25
00:00:54,554 --> 00:00:56,256
97% of American
adults
26
00:00:56,268 --> 00:00:58,099
have had a
sexual fantasy,
27
00:00:58,224 --> 00:01:00,251
as in imagined
an arousing
28
00:01:00,263 --> 00:01:01,978
sexual
scenario.
29
00:01:02,353 --> 00:01:03,993
Eighty-seven
percent have
30
00:01:04,005 --> 00:01:05,523
at least
one a week.
31
00:01:05,648 --> 00:01:08,026
And 52% have at
least one a day.
32
00:01:08,526 --> 00:01:10,568
And though we might
think our fantasies
33
00:01:10,580 --> 00:01:12,363
are super weird
and unique...
34
00:01:12,947 --> 00:01:14,238
By and large,
most people,
35
00:01:14,250 --> 00:01:15,450
regardless
of gender,
36
00:01:15,533 --> 00:01:17,410
are fantasizing about
the same things.
37
00:01:17,827 --> 00:01:19,471
[narrator]
So
38
00:01:19,483 --> 00:01:20,872
who and what are we fantasizing
about?
39
00:01:21,247 --> 00:01:24,209
And what do our
fantasies say about us?
40
00:01:24,751 --> 00:01:26,641
Ah, Linda,
if you were only here
41
00:01:26,653 --> 00:01:28,004
to nurse
me.
42
00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:30,186
[woman
1] I
43
00:01:30,198 --> 00:01:31,216
love to watch people
masturbate.
44
00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:33,424
[man] I love feet,
but I'm like,
45
00:01:33,436 --> 00:01:34,969
"Why are feet
fetishized?"
46
00:01:35,053 --> 00:01:37,047
Why are these
things considered
47
00:01:37,059 --> 00:01:38,681
outside of
normal?
48
00:01:39,724 --> 00:01:41,238
[woman 2]
Fantasy
49
00:01:41,250 --> 00:01:42,310
is fantasy, and it turns
us on.
50
00:01:42,894 --> 00:01:44,229
They can remain
in your head,
51
00:01:44,312 --> 00:01:45,419
or sometimes you
can actually
52
00:01:45,431 --> 00:01:46,397
make them
a reality.
53
00:01:46,481 --> 00:01:47,899
[theme music
playing]
54
00:01:55,073 --> 00:01:56,482
[narrator]
Most of our fantasies
55
00:01:56,494 --> 00:01:57,784
fall into
three genres:
56
00:01:58,243 --> 00:01:59,869
having sex with
multiple people,
57
00:02:00,245 --> 00:02:01,692
sex in places
or in ways
58
00:02:01,704 --> 00:02:03,331
that we've never
done it before
59
00:02:03,414 --> 00:02:04,940
and fantasies
about power
60
00:02:04,952 --> 00:02:06,167
and
control.
61
00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:07,752
The first:
group sex,
62
00:02:07,836 --> 00:02:09,754
{\an8}like orgies or
gang bangs,
63
00:02:09,838 --> 00:02:11,508
{\an8}a type of orgy
where a lot of men
64
00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:13,299
usually have sex
with the same woman.
65
00:02:14,050 --> 00:02:15,696
Almost every
American adult
66
00:02:15,708 --> 00:02:17,470
has fantasized
about group sex.
67
00:02:17,846 --> 00:02:19,239
And over half
of the men
68
00:02:19,251 --> 00:02:20,932
said they fantasized
about it often.
69
00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:23,204
And usually the
fantasy involves
70
00:02:23,216 --> 00:02:24,936
a specific number
of people.
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00:02:25,436 --> 00:02:26,770
-I would just say,
"a threesome."
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00:02:26,782 --> 00:02:28,148
-The threesome
thing is beautiful.
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00:02:28,231 --> 00:02:29,944
I think it's definitely
a threesome,
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00:02:29,956 --> 00:02:31,776
but there's also,
like, grapes involved.
75
00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:33,165
[Justin Lehmiller]
When I looked
76
00:02:33,177 --> 00:02:34,571
at the one-word
fantasy descriptions
77
00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:35,697
that people
provided,
78
00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:37,200
when they summed up
their favorite fantasy
79
00:02:37,212 --> 00:02:38,408
of all time in
a single word,
80
00:02:38,491 --> 00:02:39,683
I took those
words,
81
00:02:39,695 --> 00:02:41,286
and I entered them
into a word cloud.
82
00:02:41,369 --> 00:02:42,807
And the first
time I did this,
83
00:02:42,819 --> 00:02:44,205
all it said was
"threesome"
84
00:02:44,289 --> 00:02:45,486
because so
many people
85
00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:46,666
wrote that
threesome
86
00:02:46,749 --> 00:02:48,251
was their favorite
fantasy of all time.
87
00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:49,409
It's a
way that people can feel
88
00:02:49,421 --> 00:02:51,129
validated
and wanted.
89
00:02:51,212 --> 00:02:52,603
A lot of people really
just want to be
90
00:02:52,615 --> 00:02:53,756
the center of
attention,
91
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,006
and they want
multiple people
92
00:02:56,018 --> 00:02:58,261
desiring them at
the same time.
93
00:02:58,344 --> 00:02:59,442
So,
there's actually
94
00:02:59,454 --> 00:03:00,680
a big emotional
component.
95
00:03:01,055 --> 00:03:02,231
[narrator]
And while the
96
00:03:02,243 --> 00:03:03,808
stereotype might
be that young people experiment
97
00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:05,185
with group
sex,
98
00:03:05,268 --> 00:03:07,766
this fantasy is
actually more popular
99
00:03:07,778 --> 00:03:10,356
with people in their
40s, 50s, and 60s.
100
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:12,025
A big part of the
appeal of threesomes
101
00:03:12,108 --> 00:03:14,122
is just that a lot
of people get bored
102
00:03:14,134 --> 00:03:15,862
with their
sexual routines,
103
00:03:15,945 --> 00:03:17,218
and a lot of
people are in
104
00:03:17,230 --> 00:03:18,698
long-term monogamous
relationships,
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00:03:18,781 --> 00:03:20,454
and so a threesome
is an easy way
106
00:03:20,466 --> 00:03:21,910
of adding
some novelty.
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00:03:22,452 --> 00:03:23,319
[narrator]
And
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00:03:23,331 --> 00:03:23,828
novelty,
in general,
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00:03:23,912 --> 00:03:25,438
is the second
major genre
110
00:03:25,450 --> 00:03:26,789
of our
fantasies.
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00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:28,583
That's where people
are just mixing it up.
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00:03:28,666 --> 00:03:29,728
[narrator]
In
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00:03:29,740 --> 00:03:30,293
one small
study,
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00:03:30,376 --> 00:03:32,317
men viewed the
same porn clip
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00:03:32,329 --> 00:03:33,838
over and
over,
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00:03:34,005 --> 00:03:36,674
and they got less
and less aroused.
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00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:39,093
But then a new
porn clip played,
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00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:41,045
and the men's
penises
119
00:03:41,057 --> 00:03:42,889
got very hard,
very fast.
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00:03:43,431 --> 00:03:45,119
A similar study
was conducted
121
00:03:45,131 --> 00:03:46,935
measuring women's
genital arousal
122
00:03:47,018 --> 00:03:48,686
with similar
results.
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00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:50,855
I like the secretive
aspect of it.
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00:03:51,022 --> 00:03:52,657
More like "I've never
done this before"
125
00:03:52,669 --> 00:03:53,775
kind of
thing.
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00:03:53,858 --> 00:03:55,553
Like, if we're on
a plane together,
127
00:03:55,565 --> 00:03:57,320
and "Oh, no,
your flight got delayed?
128
00:03:57,403 --> 00:03:58,411
Why not just come
back to my place
129
00:03:58,423 --> 00:03:59,155
for the
night?
130
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,323
I have a
spare bed."
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00:04:00,823 --> 00:04:03,660
Having candle wax
dripped on my body,
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00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:06,120
having feathers run
across my body.
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00:04:06,204 --> 00:04:07,956
More on the
exhibitionist side,
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00:04:08,039 --> 00:04:09,511
I have done
sexual things
135
00:04:09,523 --> 00:04:10,959
on the Brooklyn
Bridge.
136
00:04:11,042 --> 00:04:12,984
The biggest theme
that came up
137
00:04:12,996 --> 00:04:15,213
in the novelty category
was public sex.
138
00:04:15,672 --> 00:04:16,514
[narrator]
Some
139
00:04:16,526 --> 00:04:16,965
of the
favorites:
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00:04:17,048 --> 00:04:18,806
sex in a
park,
141
00:04:18,818 --> 00:04:20,051
a car,
a public bathroom,
142
00:04:20,134 --> 00:04:21,733
a locker room,
an elevator,
143
00:04:21,745 --> 00:04:23,054
and the
office.
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00:04:23,638 --> 00:04:25,014
I think a sexual
fantasy for me
145
00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:27,183
would be to have
my partner,
146
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:29,060
like,
going around with a toy
147
00:04:29,143 --> 00:04:31,437
that I could sort of
control and modulate
148
00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:34,253
at a wedding,
or,
149
00:04:34,265 --> 00:04:35,650
like, at a business
meeting...
150
00:04:35,733 --> 00:04:37,529
There is,
like, theoretically some
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00:04:37,541 --> 00:04:40,113
risk of
discovery,
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00:04:40,196 --> 00:04:42,031
so it's kind of like
hot in that way.
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00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:43,305
[narrator]
154
00:04:43,317 --> 00:04:44,158
Two-thirds of
men and women
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00:04:44,242 --> 00:04:46,077
have fantasized
about sex toys.
156
00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:48,381
Two of the most
common ones:
157
00:04:48,393 --> 00:04:50,164
blindfolds and
handcuffs.
158
00:04:50,581 --> 00:04:52,060
Which brings us
to the third
159
00:04:52,072 --> 00:04:53,334
big fantasy
genre
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00:04:53,501 --> 00:04:55,003
power and
control.
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00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:57,753
More than a
quarter of people
162
00:04:57,765 --> 00:04:59,924
rated this their favorite
kind of fantasy.
163
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:03,469
I just like someone
who is aggressive.
164
00:05:04,095 --> 00:05:05,388
[laughing]
Um,
165
00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,140
someone who can
really, like...
166
00:05:08,599 --> 00:05:10,101
Yeah, just someone
who's aggressive.
167
00:05:10,184 --> 00:05:11,210
I'm gonna leave
it at that.
168
00:05:11,222 --> 00:05:12,228
Someone who's
aggressive.
169
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:14,397
I always thought
being like...
170
00:05:14,939 --> 00:05:16,455
tossed around
a little bit
171
00:05:16,467 --> 00:05:18,067
was always really
attractive,
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00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,244
like that
scene in
173
00:05:19,256 --> 00:05:20,361
Mrs.
and Mr. Smith.
174
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:22,560
[laughs]
They're trying
175
00:05:22,572 --> 00:05:24,032
to kill each other,
but it's hot.
176
00:05:24,115 --> 00:05:26,030
My favorite thing
to do in the world
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00:05:26,042 --> 00:05:27,493
is get into
butts.
178
00:05:27,785 --> 00:05:29,715
It's definitely
a power thing
179
00:05:29,727 --> 00:05:31,581
to get into
cis-boy butts,
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00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:33,750
and I won't
apologize for it.
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00:05:34,292 --> 00:05:35,870
I like nurses.
I don't know,
182
00:05:35,882 --> 00:05:37,545
something about
nurses, cops...
183
00:05:37,628 --> 00:05:39,692
I don't know. You know
what I think it is?
184
00:05:39,704 --> 00:05:41,674
Something mental,
like women in power.
185
00:05:41,966 --> 00:05:43,593
That's sexy.
That's what it is.
186
00:05:43,676 --> 00:05:44,844
Not too much
power, though.
187
00:05:44,927 --> 00:05:45,981
Just enough,
you know.
188
00:05:45,993 --> 00:05:47,221
Don't scare the
sh-- out of me.
189
00:05:47,638 --> 00:05:49,476
[narrator]
One way to explore
190
00:05:49,488 --> 00:05:51,559
power-play during
sex is through BDSM.
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00:05:51,642 --> 00:05:53,994
BDSM is bondage
and discipline,
192
00:05:54,006 --> 00:05:55,813
sado-masochism.
193
00:05:56,105 --> 00:06:00,860
It's the erotic pleasure
that people take
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00:06:00,943 --> 00:06:02,737
in giving
pain,
195
00:06:03,404 --> 00:06:04,822
enduring
pain,
196
00:06:05,865 --> 00:06:07,408
giving
dominance,
197
00:06:07,492 --> 00:06:09,577
giving punishment,
"punishment,"
198
00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:12,283
{\an8}enduring punishment,
giving humiliation,
199
00:06:12,295 --> 00:06:14,248
enduring
humiliation.
200
00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:17,460
{\an8}But it's all in the
realm of playtime.
201
00:06:18,002 --> 00:06:19,475
[narrator]
BDSM is often
202
00:06:19,487 --> 00:06:21,047
associated with
fancy props
203
00:06:21,130 --> 00:06:22,965
and contraptions
made of leather.
204
00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:24,634
I love
leather.
205
00:06:24,717 --> 00:06:26,661
I think that
nowadays
206
00:06:26,673 --> 00:06:28,763
people have a
view of it,
207
00:06:28,846 --> 00:06:29,964
of things like
Fifty
208
00:06:29,976 --> 00:06:30,473
Shades of
Grey
209
00:06:30,556 --> 00:06:31,974
and that kind
of stuff.
210
00:06:32,058 --> 00:06:33,601
It's a very sort of
a mainstream idea.
211
00:06:33,684 --> 00:06:36,317
But actually, my version
of leather comes
212
00:06:36,329 --> 00:06:38,398
from a very
queer place.
213
00:06:38,731 --> 00:06:40,359
[narrator]
And that all started
214
00:06:40,371 --> 00:06:41,859
in the US in
the 1940s
215
00:06:41,943 --> 00:06:43,986
where there was an
emerging biker culture.
216
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:46,337
Leather was good
protective clothing
217
00:06:46,349 --> 00:06:48,241
for men who were
into motorcycles,
218
00:06:48,366 --> 00:06:49,992
and rugged,
all-male clubs
219
00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:51,200
were good
settings for men
220
00:06:51,212 --> 00:06:52,203
who were
into men.
221
00:06:53,121 --> 00:06:54,690
When World
War II ended,
222
00:06:54,702 --> 00:06:56,749
some gay veterans stayed
on the West Coast
223
00:06:56,874 --> 00:06:58,798
and joined the
biker scene,
224
00:06:58,810 --> 00:07:01,170
embracing a gay,
hyper-masculine identity
225
00:07:01,629 --> 00:07:03,798
and experimenting
with kinky sex.
226
00:07:04,465 --> 00:07:06,249
Soon, gay leather
culture spread
227
00:07:06,261 --> 00:07:08,136
to cities across
the US and Europe.
228
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:10,977
{\an8}And then a few
decades ago,
229
00:07:10,989 --> 00:07:12,598
it became a lot
more visible.
230
00:07:13,474 --> 00:07:15,045
in the late '80s
and the '90s
231
00:07:15,057 --> 00:07:16,352
in San
Francisco,
232
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:18,315
sexuality was
something that we were
233
00:07:18,327 --> 00:07:19,856
really in
turmoil over
234
00:07:19,939 --> 00:07:22,108
because
of AIDS
235
00:07:22,191 --> 00:07:24,390
and because of
the serious fury
236
00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:26,028
and
confusion
237
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:28,156
and terror around
the disease.
238
00:07:28,406 --> 00:07:29,635
{\an8}[man]
Some
239
00:07:29,647 --> 00:07:30,658
policemen wearing masks and
gloves
240
00:07:30,741 --> 00:07:32,285
{\an8}when dealing with
homosexuals,
241
00:07:32,785 --> 00:07:34,639
{\an8}some morticians
refusing
242
00:07:34,651 --> 00:07:36,914
to embalm the bodies
of AIDS victims.
243
00:07:37,373 --> 00:07:39,091
And so BDSM was
the perfect
244
00:07:39,103 --> 00:07:40,751
kind of outlet
for that.
245
00:07:41,335 --> 00:07:42,621
[narrator]
Condoms, dental
246
00:07:42,633 --> 00:07:43,963
dams and
all kinds of latex
247
00:07:44,046 --> 00:07:45,131
became part
of the fun.
248
00:07:45,715 --> 00:07:47,967
It sexualized all
of these things
249
00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:49,371
that were kind
of like barriers
250
00:07:49,383 --> 00:07:50,344
in the
past,
251
00:07:50,511 --> 00:07:52,465
which I think is
really healing
252
00:07:52,477 --> 00:07:54,182
and really
remarkable.
253
00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:55,497
[narrator]
And it helped people
254
00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:56,809
cope with
their anxieties around sex,
255
00:07:56,893 --> 00:07:58,853
by getting them out
of their heads,
256
00:07:58,936 --> 00:08:00,682
which is still a
part of the appeal
257
00:08:00,694 --> 00:08:01,939
of BDSM
today.
258
00:08:02,023 --> 00:08:04,609
It's a full process.
It's a full story.
259
00:08:04,692 --> 00:08:06,184
It's a full
immersion that
260
00:08:06,196 --> 00:08:07,653
you're creating
yourself
261
00:08:07,737 --> 00:08:09,270
and that you get
to experience
262
00:08:09,282 --> 00:08:10,573
with somebody
else,
263
00:08:10,656 --> 00:08:12,293
and it's what we
call in BDSM,
264
00:08:12,305 --> 00:08:13,659
we call it
"play,"
265
00:08:14,285 --> 00:08:16,454
because it is
that part of us
266
00:08:16,537 --> 00:08:19,248
that has forgotten how
to just role-play.
267
00:08:19,957 --> 00:08:21,939
[narrator]
But BDSM fantasies go
268
00:08:21,951 --> 00:08:24,128
back way
further than the 20th century.
269
00:08:24,712 --> 00:08:26,762
The "sado" in
sado-masochism comes
270
00:08:26,774 --> 00:08:28,633
from the Marquis
de Sade...
271
00:08:29,717 --> 00:08:31,569
a 1700s French
nobleman known
272
00:08:31,581 --> 00:08:33,304
for his kinky
sex crimes
273
00:08:34,055 --> 00:08:35,334
and for
his novels
274
00:08:35,346 --> 00:08:36,849
depicting kinky
sex crimes.
275
00:08:37,975 --> 00:08:40,353
And the "masochism"
in sado-masochism
276
00:08:40,436 --> 00:08:43,022
comes from Leopold
von Sacher-Masoch,
277
00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:44,768
an Austrian
nobleman
278
00:08:44,780 --> 00:08:46,567
born a hundred
years later,
279
00:08:46,651 --> 00:08:48,934
whose book
Venus im Pelz
280
00:08:48,946 --> 00:08:50,655
told the
semi-autobiographical story
281
00:08:50,738 --> 00:08:52,389
of a man who
convinces a woman
282
00:08:52,401 --> 00:08:53,866
to make him
her slave.
283
00:08:55,159 --> 00:08:56,515
The psychiatrist
who coined
284
00:08:56,527 --> 00:08:57,745
the term
"masochism"
285
00:08:57,828 --> 00:09:00,081
explained that
this "perversion"
286
00:09:00,164 --> 00:09:01,879
up to his time
was quite unknown
287
00:09:01,891 --> 00:09:03,417
to the scientific
world.
288
00:09:04,835 --> 00:09:06,629
But we now know
this "perversion,"
289
00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:09,423
at least imagining
it, is widespread.
290
00:09:10,174 --> 00:09:11,666
More than three-quarters
of people
291
00:09:11,678 --> 00:09:12,885
in Lehmiller's
study
292
00:09:12,969 --> 00:09:14,929
had fantasized
about bondage,
293
00:09:15,054 --> 00:09:16,541
as in restraining
someone
294
00:09:16,553 --> 00:09:17,932
or being
restrained.
295
00:09:18,182 --> 00:09:20,406
More than half
about discipline,
296
00:09:20,418 --> 00:09:22,687
as in giving or
following orders.
297
00:09:22,979 --> 00:09:24,646
And almost
three-quarters
298
00:09:24,658 --> 00:09:26,607
about inflicting
or receiving pain,
299
00:09:26,691 --> 00:09:28,609
mostly biting
and spanking.
300
00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:30,503
The fact that
almost everyone
301
00:09:30,515 --> 00:09:32,530
was having some type
of BDSM fantasy
302
00:09:32,613 --> 00:09:34,329
tells us this is
not some rare
303
00:09:34,341 --> 00:09:35,992
or unusual
sexual interest.
304
00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:37,640
[narrator]
Including
305
00:09:37,652 --> 00:09:38,619
fantasies about forced
sex,
306
00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:41,789
in Lehmiller's
study, 54% of men,
307
00:09:41,872 --> 00:09:43,165
61% of
women,
308
00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:45,501
and 68% of
non-binary people
309
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,795
had fantasized
about being forced
310
00:09:47,878 --> 00:09:49,797
to have sex at
least once.
311
00:09:50,339 --> 00:09:52,550
So, it's me being
in a position
312
00:09:52,633 --> 00:09:53,872
where I am
being pursued
313
00:09:53,884 --> 00:09:55,094
and I don't
want to be
314
00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:58,806
and almost in a rape
fantasy scenario.
315
00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:01,296
[narrator] In
TV and movies,
316
00:10:01,308 --> 00:10:02,810
this fantasy often
follows a template:
317
00:10:03,144 --> 00:10:04,525
a spunky
but ultimately vulnerable
318
00:10:04,537 --> 00:10:06,439
woman is
raped,
319
00:10:06,522 --> 00:10:08,858
but then falls in
love with her abuser.
320
00:10:08,941 --> 00:10:10,340
Although, in those
two on the right,
321
00:10:10,352 --> 00:10:11,569
it's a little
complicated.
322
00:10:12,361 --> 00:10:14,185
This formula
also plays out
323
00:10:14,197 --> 00:10:16,032
in 80% of Thai
soap operas.
324
00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:17,633
It's so normal,
the genre even
325
00:10:17,645 --> 00:10:18,993
has a cutesy
nickname:
326
00:10:19,076 --> 00:10:20,661
"slap and
kiss,"
327
00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:22,176
because there's a
lot of slapping,
328
00:10:22,188 --> 00:10:23,205
then
kissing.
329
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:28,085
And this fantasy
goes way back, too.
330
00:10:28,210 --> 00:10:29,482
One of the
first modern
331
00:10:29,494 --> 00:10:30,713
rape fantasy
novels,
332
00:10:30,796 --> 00:10:32,316
The Sheik,
was
333
00:10:32,328 --> 00:10:34,216
published in
England in 1919.
334
00:10:34,592 --> 00:10:35,945
Such a
sensation,
335
00:10:35,957 --> 00:10:37,803
it also got the
Hollywood treatment.
336
00:10:38,262 --> 00:10:40,300
A feisty white
woman is kidnapped
337
00:10:40,312 --> 00:10:42,391
by a sexy and
violent Arab prince.
338
00:10:42,808 --> 00:10:44,722
He rapes her,
she falls in love,
339
00:10:44,734 --> 00:10:46,687
and they live
happily ever after.
340
00:10:47,396 --> 00:10:48,856
{\an8}Audiences
loved it.
341
00:10:49,398 --> 00:10:50,780
{\an8}The movie broke
box office records
342
00:10:50,792 --> 00:10:51,734
in New
York
343
00:10:51,817 --> 00:10:54,278
{\an8}and was a runaway
hit in France, too.
344
00:10:55,154 --> 00:10:57,513
{\an8}And in 1987,
a survey of historical
345
00:10:57,525 --> 00:10:59,533
American
romance novels,
346
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:00,757
{\an8}which are
written and read
347
00:11:00,769 --> 00:11:01,702
mostly by
women,
348
00:11:01,827 --> 00:11:03,641
{\an8}found that more
than half featured
349
00:11:03,653 --> 00:11:05,581
the rape of the lead
female character,
350
00:11:06,165 --> 00:11:07,609
perhaps freeing
the heroine
351
00:11:07,621 --> 00:11:08,918
from the
"moral slur
352
00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:10,496
of consenting to have
sexual intercourse
353
00:11:10,508 --> 00:11:11,545
before
marriage"
354
00:11:12,004 --> 00:11:13,464
according to
one researcher.
355
00:11:13,964 --> 00:11:15,793
Often, our fantasies
involve things
356
00:11:15,805 --> 00:11:17,134
that are
taboo,
357
00:11:17,551 --> 00:11:19,095
things that
are forbidden,
358
00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:20,810
things that we feel
that we can't express
359
00:11:20,822 --> 00:11:21,931
in everyday
life,
360
00:11:22,014 --> 00:11:23,824
and the simple fact
that it's taboo
361
00:11:23,836 --> 00:11:25,101
and
forbidden
362
00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:28,104
is what makes it exciting
and titillating.
363
00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:29,999
That doesn't mean
you actually want it
364
00:11:30,011 --> 00:11:31,315
in your
everyday life.
365
00:11:31,399 --> 00:11:32,829
Nobody thinks
that if you have
366
00:11:32,841 --> 00:11:34,068
a fantasy
about rape
367
00:11:34,151 --> 00:11:36,153
that you want
to be raped,
368
00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:37,523
or you're
someone
369
00:11:37,535 --> 00:11:39,073
who's oriented
toward rape.
370
00:11:39,156 --> 00:11:40,228
For me, it's
like, "Oh,
371
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:40,991
yeah, I like to be the
submissive,"
372
00:11:41,075 --> 00:11:43,536
because I'm in control
a lot of my life.
373
00:11:43,911 --> 00:11:45,621
But being
submissive in sex
374
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,415
doesn't mean I'm not
in control of the sex
375
00:11:47,498 --> 00:11:48,279
'cause I'm
in control
376
00:11:48,291 --> 00:11:49,083
of everything
in sex.
377
00:11:49,166 --> 00:11:50,648
So it's just another
natural extension
378
00:11:50,660 --> 00:11:51,836
of my own
personality.
379
00:11:53,003 --> 00:11:54,259
[narrator]
Our fantasies are
380
00:11:54,271 --> 00:11:55,631
also an
extension of our culture.
381
00:11:56,048 --> 00:11:58,266
A survey of Swedish
romance novels,
382
00:11:58,278 --> 00:12:00,136
also done in
the 1980s,
383
00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:02,494
found almost no examples
of women falling
384
00:12:02,506 --> 00:12:04,348
in love with
their rapists.
385
00:12:04,807 --> 00:12:06,999
The researcher
explained that could be
386
00:12:07,011 --> 00:12:09,186
because "premarital
sex was not quite
387
00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:10,713
the cultural
taboo as it was
388
00:12:10,725 --> 00:12:12,314
in the United
States" at the time.
389
00:12:13,023 --> 00:12:14,559
While in
India today,
390
00:12:14,571 --> 00:12:16,360
the portrayal of
sex is taboo.
391
00:12:17,069 --> 00:12:18,779
Porn is actually
illegal.
392
00:12:19,613 --> 00:12:20,942
So it's easier
to make
393
00:12:20,954 --> 00:12:22,408
in the form of
comic books.
394
00:12:23,117 --> 00:12:24,268
And these
are two
395
00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:25,745
of the most popular
characters,
396
00:12:25,828 --> 00:12:27,767
cartoon housewives
Savita Bhabhi
397
00:12:27,779 --> 00:12:29,165
and
Velamma.
398
00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:31,013
Both maternal
figures,
399
00:12:31,025 --> 00:12:32,752
just with
different figures,
400
00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:35,155
who are ignored
by their husbands
401
00:12:35,167 --> 00:12:37,381
and bored with their
domestic routines,
402
00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:39,433
so spend their days
on the prowl for sex,
403
00:12:39,445 --> 00:12:40,968
often with
younger men.
404
00:12:41,051 --> 00:12:42,636
Pursuing their
own pleasure,
405
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:43,906
they boldly
violate
406
00:12:43,918 --> 00:12:45,222
every social
restriction
407
00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:46,724
placed on
Indian women.
408
00:12:47,224 --> 00:12:48,492
And in
the US,
409
00:12:48,504 --> 00:12:50,186
a popular porn
genre among men
410
00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:52,188
is the humiliation
of men.
411
00:12:52,688 --> 00:12:54,584
A white man
watches his
412
00:12:54,596 --> 00:12:55,941
white girlfriend or wife get
ravaged
413
00:12:56,025 --> 00:12:57,248
by a much
stronger
414
00:12:57,260 --> 00:12:58,652
and dominant
black man...
415
00:12:58,819 --> 00:12:59,862
It's my
house.
416
00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:02,536
Ah,
it is your house,
417
00:13:02,548 --> 00:13:04,408
but I live in
it sometimes.
418
00:13:04,492 --> 00:13:06,410
[laughing]
419
00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:07,953
[narrator]
...playing off a
420
00:13:07,965 --> 00:13:09,705
stereotype of
black men as sexual threats
421
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:11,540
that goes back
hundreds of years.
422
00:13:13,334 --> 00:13:14,752
And then in
the 2000s,
423
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:16,177
a new threat
gripped
424
00:13:16,189 --> 00:13:17,505
the Western
imagination.
425
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,737
{\an8}Events in Iraq
have now reached
426
00:13:19,749 --> 00:13:21,509
the final days
of decision.
427
00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:23,867
We will tear down the
apparatus of terror,
428
00:13:23,879 --> 00:13:26,138
and we will help you
to build a new Iraq.
429
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:28,315
[narrator]
During the War on
430
00:13:28,327 --> 00:13:30,351
Terror, the sexy
Sheik genre had a resurgence,
431
00:13:30,726 --> 00:13:31,945
peaking in
the lead-up
432
00:13:31,957 --> 00:13:33,229
to the invasion
of Iraq,
433
00:13:33,771 --> 00:13:36,106
with plot points like:
"Al Qaeda ties,"
434
00:13:36,190 --> 00:13:37,928
"weapons of mass
destruction"
435
00:13:37,940 --> 00:13:39,610
and "defeating
terrorism."
436
00:13:39,693 --> 00:13:41,555
Institutionalized racism
in the United States
437
00:13:41,567 --> 00:13:43,572
seems
to creep
438
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:45,699
into our sexual
fantasies.
439
00:13:46,325 --> 00:13:47,628
[narrator]
And that affects the
440
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:49,078
fantasies of
marginalized groups, too.
441
00:13:49,537 --> 00:13:51,122
[Yin
Q] A
442
00:13:51,134 --> 00:13:52,581
lot of people who have immigrated
here,
443
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,424
their ideas
of success
444
00:13:54,436 --> 00:13:56,418
and safety for
their children
445
00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:57,962
is actually just
to assimilate,
446
00:13:58,087 --> 00:13:59,241
especially in the
Asian-American
447
00:13:59,253 --> 00:14:00,047
community.
448
00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:01,848
They want their
children mostly
449
00:14:01,860 --> 00:14:03,175
to be
successful
450
00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:04,601
[laughs] in all
these other areas
451
00:14:04,613 --> 00:14:05,928
that have already
been approved
452
00:14:06,011 --> 00:14:07,096
by this white
society.
453
00:14:07,555 --> 00:14:08,597
[narrator]
Which
454
00:14:08,609 --> 00:14:09,306
may be why Lehmiller's
study
455
00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:10,722
found that the
vast majority
456
00:14:10,734 --> 00:14:11,892
of
Asian-Americans,
457
00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:14,311
whether they fantasize
about men or women,
458
00:14:14,436 --> 00:14:16,019
fantasize about
white people most
459
00:14:16,031 --> 00:14:17,147
of the
time.
460
00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:19,942
And you know there's
a long history
461
00:14:20,025 --> 00:14:21,439
of white men
fantasizing
462
00:14:21,451 --> 00:14:22,736
about Asian
women,
463
00:14:23,153 --> 00:14:24,071
as you
can see
464
00:14:24,083 --> 00:14:25,322
in movies that
go back decades.
465
00:14:25,406 --> 00:14:26,240
[man] At
this moment,
466
00:14:26,323 --> 00:14:28,044
all my honorable
intentions are getting
467
00:14:28,056 --> 00:14:29,493
sort of weak
in the knees.
468
00:14:29,618 --> 00:14:31,328
Your eyes are
as soft...
469
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:33,706
your hair is pleasant
to my touch.
470
00:14:33,789 --> 00:14:35,082
Take clothes
off?
471
00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:37,209
No,
I've never tried nudes.
472
00:14:38,419 --> 00:14:39,587
Good time
to try.
473
00:14:39,670 --> 00:14:41,160
There's so much
about us that
474
00:14:41,172 --> 00:14:42,673
is really about
sexualization
475
00:14:42,756 --> 00:14:44,923
from the white
perspective
476
00:14:44,935 --> 00:14:46,802
or the
male gaze,
477
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:49,680
but it's really not
about our sexuality,
478
00:14:50,055 --> 00:14:51,202
where we
have agency,
479
00:14:51,214 --> 00:14:52,433
we're telling
the story.
480
00:14:52,641 --> 00:14:53,895
[narrator]
Which
481
00:14:53,907 --> 00:14:54,852
is why Yin Q created a
web-series,
482
00:14:55,102 --> 00:14:56,582
Mercy
Mistress,
483
00:14:56,594 --> 00:14:58,689
based on her career
as a dominatrix.
484
00:14:59,148 --> 00:15:01,087
[laughs]
For
485
00:15:01,099 --> 00:15:02,526
me, I'm hardwired to be
kinky.
486
00:15:02,610 --> 00:15:04,570
It's part of my
sexual orientation.
487
00:15:04,653 --> 00:15:05,654
It's just part
of my queerness.
488
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:07,871
I was really drawn to
Mercy
489
00:15:07,883 --> 00:15:10,367
Mistress because
I really love the idea
490
00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:11,910
of having an
491
00:15:11,922 --> 00:15:14,079
Asian-American
dominatrix
492
00:15:14,288 --> 00:15:16,665
talking about
her life.
493
00:15:17,207 --> 00:15:18,831
I love
any story
494
00:15:18,843 --> 00:15:21,128
that's about
Asian-American sexuality
495
00:15:21,211 --> 00:15:22,922
because we don't
really have one yet.
496
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:24,862
[narrator]
We may not be
497
00:15:24,874 --> 00:15:26,133
able to
get rid of our fantasies.
498
00:15:26,425 --> 00:15:28,267
Some researchers
say our turn-ons
499
00:15:28,279 --> 00:15:29,762
are like
languages:
500
00:15:30,095 --> 00:15:31,697
we can't
unlearn them,
501
00:15:31,709 --> 00:15:33,432
but we can
learn new ones.
502
00:15:33,515 --> 00:15:35,137
Just watching
porn can also
503
00:15:35,149 --> 00:15:36,936
shape people's
fantasies as well.
504
00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:38,376
Maybe while you're
masturbating
505
00:15:38,388 --> 00:15:39,355
and
edging,
506
00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:40,898
where you're on the
brink of orgasm,
507
00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:41,965
and you come
across something
508
00:15:41,977 --> 00:15:42,858
that's new
and different
509
00:15:42,983 --> 00:15:44,081
that you've never
seen before
510
00:15:44,093 --> 00:15:45,152
that's maybe
really kinky,
511
00:15:45,361 --> 00:15:47,237
because your disgust
response is lower
512
00:15:47,321 --> 00:15:49,217
that might open the
door to you watching
513
00:15:49,229 --> 00:15:50,741
that video
till the end,
514
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:52,393
at which point
you might have
515
00:15:52,405 --> 00:15:53,661
this powerful
orgasm
516
00:15:53,744 --> 00:15:55,410
that you might
start to associate
517
00:15:55,422 --> 00:15:56,789
with that
that kink.
518
00:15:56,872 --> 00:15:58,290
[woman
moans]
519
00:15:58,374 --> 00:16:00,542
And as a result,
that might lead you
520
00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:01,891
to want to fantasize
more about that
521
00:16:01,903 --> 00:16:02,795
in the
future.
522
00:16:03,295 --> 00:16:04,868
[narrator]
And
523
00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:06,006
while 79% in Lehmiller's
study
524
00:16:06,090 --> 00:16:07,622
said they want
to act out
525
00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:09,426
their favorite
fantasy of all time,
526
00:16:09,718 --> 00:16:13,013
only 23% said they'd
actually tried.
527
00:16:13,222 --> 00:16:14,441
If you're in
a loving,
528
00:16:14,453 --> 00:16:15,683
intimate
relationship,
529
00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:17,256
where you are sexual
with somebody
530
00:16:17,268 --> 00:16:18,769
that you're very
trusting of them,
531
00:16:19,144 --> 00:16:21,191
and you feel like
you can share
532
00:16:21,203 --> 00:16:23,232
these taboo parts
of yourself,
533
00:16:23,315 --> 00:16:25,091
that can be a
really good way
534
00:16:25,103 --> 00:16:26,485
to sort
of see
535
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:28,445
how intimate
we can be.
536
00:16:28,570 --> 00:16:29,635
Real intimacy
isn't just sharing
537
00:16:29,647 --> 00:16:30,614
the beauty of
who we are,
538
00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:32,366
it's also sharing
the ugly,
539
00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:33,796
and the ugly
can actually
540
00:16:33,808 --> 00:16:35,035
be very
gratifying.
541
00:16:35,119 --> 00:16:36,410
[narrator]
And if your fantasies
542
00:16:36,422 --> 00:16:37,621
are on
the violent side,
543
00:16:37,746 --> 00:16:40,165
that requires a lot
of communication.
544
00:16:40,290 --> 00:16:41,619
[Margaret Cho] There's
a very safe way
545
00:16:41,631 --> 00:16:42,793
to work through
all fetishes
546
00:16:42,876 --> 00:16:45,036
and all kinds
of ideas
547
00:16:45,048 --> 00:16:47,256
and kinks
through BDSM.
548
00:16:47,339 --> 00:16:48,727
It's actually a
wonderful way
549
00:16:48,739 --> 00:16:49,758
to do
that.
550
00:16:50,467 --> 00:16:51,971
It's one of the
great things
551
00:16:51,983 --> 00:16:53,220
about
sexuality.
552
00:16:53,303 --> 00:16:54,972
It can bring us
closer in a way
553
00:16:55,055 --> 00:16:56,242
that maybe
other forms
554
00:16:56,254 --> 00:16:57,474
of communication
can't.
555
00:16:57,558 --> 00:16:59,027
[Yin Q] It's
the setting up
556
00:16:59,039 --> 00:17:00,519
and the continuous
check in
557
00:17:00,602 --> 00:17:02,021
of consent that
that person
558
00:17:02,033 --> 00:17:03,397
that you're
playing with
559
00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:04,930
is continuously
enjoying
560
00:17:04,942 --> 00:17:06,692
what they are
experiencing with you,
561
00:17:06,942 --> 00:17:08,819
and that there's
actually safe words
562
00:17:08,902 --> 00:17:11,012
that are set up to
protect both sides
563
00:17:11,024 --> 00:17:12,573
of going
too far.
564
00:17:13,115 --> 00:17:14,585
[narrator]
Most of our
565
00:17:14,597 --> 00:17:16,368
fantasies reflect
basic human needs:
566
00:17:16,452 --> 00:17:18,245
Feeling desired
and validated,
567
00:17:18,579 --> 00:17:20,247
breaking out of
our routines,
568
00:17:20,456 --> 00:17:22,082
and coping with
anxieties.
569
00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:24,109
And many of our
most popular
570
00:17:24,121 --> 00:17:25,919
fantasies mix and
match these genres.
571
00:17:26,670 --> 00:17:29,089
Like mom fantasies:
That's pretty novel.
572
00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:31,383
And it's definitely
power play.
573
00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:32,876
Or gangbang
fantasies,
574
00:17:32,888 --> 00:17:34,261
which are
group sex,
575
00:17:34,344 --> 00:17:36,472
usually with a dash
of power play.
576
00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:38,423
Or The
Sheik,
577
00:17:38,435 --> 00:17:39,808
which is a racial
power play
578
00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:42,770
and forced sex
and romance.
579
00:17:42,936 --> 00:17:44,620
Often
fantasies come
580
00:17:44,632 --> 00:17:46,774
from a variety of
different places:
581
00:17:46,857 --> 00:17:48,611
some memory
of something,
582
00:17:48,623 --> 00:17:50,360
some book that
you read.
583
00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:51,925
It becomes this
kind of mishmosh
584
00:17:51,937 --> 00:17:52,988
in your
mind.
585
00:17:53,363 --> 00:17:54,836
But there's a lot
of variability
586
00:17:54,848 --> 00:17:56,075
in sexual
fantasies,
587
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:57,689
and they
don't tell you anything
588
00:17:57,701 --> 00:17:59,953
reliable
about you.
589
00:18:00,037 --> 00:18:01,650
If you have
fantasies
590
00:18:01,662 --> 00:18:03,540
that disturb you
or scare you,
591
00:18:03,624 --> 00:18:05,075
and you wonder
what they mean,
592
00:18:05,087 --> 00:18:06,376
they don't
mean a lot.
593
00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:08,712
So, don't worry so
much about them.
594
00:18:10,839 --> 00:18:12,716
[theme music
playing]