(bell rings)
(woman) Everyone, please take your seats. You heard the bell.
You know what it means. Last week,
the assignment was to write an essay about your family.
- Who they... - (class) Are!
And what they...
(all) Mean to us!
Excellent droning. So I want everyone to take out their essays.
We're going to read them aloud to the class right up here.
My mom says that me and my dad have very healthy appetites.
My mom and dad are very religious.
When they're in their bedroom at night, I always hear them yelling, "Jesus!"
My mom says my dad's eyes are brown because he is so full of sh...
(teacher) Brian!
My brother Jack is in eighth grade.
He told me to ask my dad who he voted for...
for... for President.
I did and my Dad said he's a total Bush-man.
That made my brother laugh really hard.
Whenever my Uncle Stu comes over to play pool with my dad,
my mom says the basement smells like a Cheech and Chong movie.
Well... it's like this.
My dog ate my paper.
I checked, but he didn't poop it out.
(class laughing)
What a lovely sentiment, Mr. Etheridge.
Maybe your dog can eat the zero you'll be receiving too.
- Aw, man! - (boy) Harsh.
Miss Trinke? It's your turn now.
My dad says life can be split into two categories:
New Jersey... and New York.
(music playing)
(girl) My dad was a Jersey boy who became the youngest
and most successful music publicist in New York City.
By the time he was 27, he had 1 00 people working for him.
And even though they all loved him, he loved them even more.
My fellow flacks and spin doctors.
Salud.
(girl) Daddy loved his job, but not as much as he loved my mom.
Mommy was a book editor in New York City when her and Daddy met.
Daddy said their jobs were kind of the same...
they made slight corrections for their clients.
Because George Michael is a pimp who is all about the ladies, my friend.
Come on, "l Want Your Sex"? That sound like he's singing to a guy?
Daddy worked so much that sometimes Mommy could only see him late at night.
Daddy says that's why they both loved the city so much -
it never went to sleep.
And neither did him and Mommy.
But after a year of romance in New York City,
Daddy said it was time to show Mommy where he came from.
So he took her home to New Jersey and put her through what he said
was the biggest test their love would ever face :
"Introducing her to my pop. "
- Hey, how are ya? - How're ya doin'?
- How're ya doin' yourself? - This is Gertrude.
Hi. Merry Christmas.
- And what do you do, Mr. Trinke? - Easy on the "Mr. Trinke". It's Bart.
I work for the borough, for 30 years now.
He's the only man in Highlands licensed to operate the street sweeper.
Oh, man, I always wanted to ride in one of those things.
Well, you continue seeing my son, I can probably get you a turn at the wheel.
I was only gonna sleep with him a few more times and then dump him,
but now, after an offer like that...
Holy shit. Listen to the mouth on this one!
Oh, yeah, they don't make 'em like Mom anymore, do they, Dad?
- Now, listen, I'm goin' to the bar. - What a shock.
If you guys are gonna do anything while I'm gone, stay the hell off of my bed.
- You're going to a bar? - Didn't he tell ya? I'm an alcoholic.
- Well, I wanna go to the bar too. - No, you don't wanna go to this bar.
It's a bunch of old guys talkin' about how good they had it under Kennedy.
The man was a goddamn saint.
I'm goin' to the bar with your dad. You can come if you want.
No, that's OK. I'll stay here and do the dishes.
I only cooked. Why shouldn't I clean?
Suit yourself. But don't wash that pan.
I got a layer of juice built up for the pork roll, and I don't want you scrubbin' it off.
That "juice" is called grease, Dad.
It's bad for you. It clogs your arteries.
It's called juice. And it greases a father's insides
so that he can better swallow the shit his son feeds him twice a year
when he can be bothered coming to visit him.
(girl) So that night, Daddy took Mommy to Pop's bar,
where she got to meet Pop's other children,
his best friends Greenie and Block.
Hey, your kid's cuttin' a rug.
Who are you, Connie Chung?
Daddy said, because Mommy survived her first trip to Jersey,
he knew she was a keeper.
He said they celebrated their engagement by going out for pizza.
And that's how I got here.
Do we have enough of these at home, or should I steal some?
If you're gonna steal something, steal some rubber gloves.
(knocking)
- Thank you! - You're welcome!
And with that, everyone lived happily ever after.
Almost.
Look, you've got two minutes, and then we have to go, OK?
- Or I'm gonna leave. - Would you stop rushing me?
I don't understand how somebody who had all day sitting around to get ready
waits till 20 minutes before we have to leave!
You try getting anything accomplished with this big gut in your way!
This is one of the few days of the year that I can be fired for being late!
Anytime that you wanna carry this baby, Ollie, you let me know! OK?
I would be glad to go back to wearing regular dresses instead of this tent!
The dress looks fine. It's gorgeous, OK? It's beautiful.
Yeah, until I'm standing next to Janet Jackson or Sheryl Crow.
Then you'll see how not fine it looks.
Gertie, I asked you, please, to use your own brush, OK?
- Can you just not use my brush? - Don't start.
It's just that every time I wanna comb my hair
I spend 1 5 minutes taking these long, bushy hairs out of my brush.
And I mean, you ask me to...
(crying)
I'm sorry.
Baby, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
You don't understand what it's like to be this fat!
I've always been thin, and now I'm a disgusting pig!
And it's my first time going to the Video Music Awards
and all the other girls are gonna be skinny, and I'm gonna look like a whale!
Baby, baby, they're just skinny 'cause they're all coked-out whores.
I wanna be a coked-out whore!
OK, you can be a coked-out whore too.
You can be a coked-out, coked-out whore.
- I'm sorry. - I should be more sensitive. I'm sorry.
I should be more sensitive, honey. I know.
- Yes. - I know.
- Baby, we have to go now, OK? - OK.
- I love you. We have to go now. - OK.
- I love you too. - All right, let's go. OK?
Just give me two minutes.
- (Ollie) What time is it? - (man) 20 after.
- She's gonna kill me! - I need the quote for the Madonna release.
OK. "Madonna trusts the public will judge for itself that...
this latest in a long line of breakthrough music videos
is not the tasteless sexploitation it's accused of being."
- "It's artistic expression." - Of what?
Of one woman's constant need to show the world... her labia.
Hey, can I use the word "labia" in a press release?
See you next week.
One of these days, I'll get me one of those husbands that show up for Lamaze.
I'm sorry, babe. It was Madonna.
So you were late because of another woman. That's nice.
- Come on. I still gotta do my job. - And I still gotta do mine too.
But I was at Lamaze on time.
Look, all I'm saying is
that guy who used to spend all night at the office and barely live in his apartment?
That's not you anymore.
Now you have to be the guy who's done by six
and comes home and hangs out with his family.
That's the only way we're gonna work.
OK?
OK.
- OK. - OK.
OK!
- OK. - OK.
(panting)
- Can I help you? - Yes.
My wife's water broke. She's gonna have a baby.
- You're gonna have to check in, hon. - Check in?!
Where, at the concierge desk?! Why are you being so combative with me?!
First of all, take your hands off my uniform.
And second, I'm gonna need a patient here.
This is my wife. This is the belligerent nurse
that's being so difficult with me, giving me such a hard time.
- I'm sorry. He's a little panicky. - Can I get a wheelchair?
- Let's get you up to delivery... - OK.
-...and let him fill out the paperwork. - OK.
- If we can trust him with a pen. - Here, sweetie.
OK, just relax, breathe. Remember, take it easy.
I love you. I'll be right there, OK? I love you.
- I love you too. - OK, I love you.
We've practiced this 1,000 times. It'll be great. How hard can it be?
(screaming)
- Push! You're doing good. - (doctor) You're doing real good.
- No, I can't! I can't do it! - (doctor) Take a breath.
- It hurts! - I know it hurts.
It's OK, baby. Push. You can do it.
(doctor) Take a deep breath. In five, four...
- OK? Here you go. -...three, two, one.
(doctor) Push. Push harder, Gertie. Push harder.
The baby's crowning. I can see her. I just need one more push.
- Can you see her? - Holy shit! I can see the head!
- (doctor) One more. Breathe. - Push! It's almost there, baby.
Push! You're doing it. Push!
Push!
(doctor) Here she comes! Here she comes!
Here she is.
- Do you wanna cut the cord, Dad? - Yeah.
Scissors, please.
Yes! And she's got all ten fingers, ten toes.
We'll get her all cleaned up and then we're gonna check...
Gertie?
- (Ollie) Baby, look. - Gertie?
Gertie!
Gertie, can you hear me?
- She's OK. Sweetheart? - Nurse, get Dr. Mortimer right away!
(Ollie) She's resting. Who's Dr. Mortimer?
Dr. Mortimer!
- What's happening? - (doctor) She's unresponsive.
- (nurse) Gertie! - Gertie! Gertie!
Gertie, it's me! Gertie?
(doctor) Healthy baby. Unresponsive.
- (doctor) Respiratory arrest. - (nurse) Turn it around!
- What's happening to my wife? - Let's open that lV, please.
Baby, are you OK? Sweetheart, sweetheart, wake up!
Please, someone take Mr. Trinke outside. Please!
I'm gonna have to intubate.
Gertie, wake up, my love. Wake up.
Gertie, please. Wake up.
Get off me! Gertie!
I wanna stay with my wife! Gertie! Gertie!
What's happening?!
- Ollie... - If I don't get to go in there right now...
- I swear to God! - Ollie... Ollie, calm down.
Fuck you, calm down! OK?!
I got dragged out of there, I haven't got to see my baby!
Your baby is fine. She's healthy, she's normal.
- What's wrong with Gertie? - I need you to calm down before l...
Look, I'm calm! OK?!
(exasperated sigh)
I'm calm.
We think Gertie had an aneurysm.
Is she OK?
We lost her, Ollie.
The strain of the contractions and the pushing caused the aneurysm to rupture.
There are rarely symptoms for aneurysms...
(∮ "That's How I Knew This Story Would Break My Heart" by Aimee Mann)
∮ I drew a picture of you
∮ You and your anchor tattoo
∮ And saw the face that I knew
∮ Covered in shame
∮ You drew the bird that was here
∮ The kind of sweet chanticleer
∮ But with a terrible fear
∮ That the cage couldn't tame
∮ That's how I knew the story would break my heart
∮ When you're older
∮ That's how I knew the story would break my heart
(Ollie) You sure you're OK with this, Dad?
What, OK? She's my granddaughter.
Yeah, you can stay with me anytime, can't you?
Yes, you can.
Until you're a teenager, with the boys and a reefer.
Then I don't wanna know about you.
I wouldn't impose on you, you know.
I just got a lot of work... piled up from before and...
- I'll be back late tonight, OK? - Yeah, take your time.
Your daddy really misses your mommy, kid. I miss her too.
Especially right now.
- (farting) - Oh, Jesus!
(knocking)
Yeah.
- You wanted to see me, Ollie? - Yeah, come on in.
I didn't think you were gonna be in this week. How you doin'?
- You all right? - I'm fine.
Look, this piece in the Post. Why didn't you call me when this broke?
- I had to read about it in New Jersey. - It's cool. The nurse is a fan.
Will she still be a fan when the Enquirer flashes a stack of 50s in her face?
Listen, something like this breaks, I'm not in the city,
you find me or you find another job.
Yeah, OK.
OK.
What else do we got?
Um, Will Smith.
- Who? - The Fresh Prince?
"DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince" Fresh Prince?
- Yeah. - What about him?
You remember the first album, the one with "Girls Ain't...
- Rock the House. Yeah? - Rock the House, right.
You remember on the cover of the album Jazzy Jeff is holding a model of a house?
Vaguely.
Will Smith is donating that house to the Hard Rock Cafe.
Well, stop the presses. You put the word out yet?
- Date pending, yeah. - Anybody give a shit?
- Every outlet wants in. - You're kidding me?
No. Even US News and World Report.
Why? It's an eight-year-old album.
Doesn't matter. Everyone loves that Fresh Prince TV show.
He's got that movie coming out in a couple of weeks, Independence Day.
- Let the film division handle it. - No, we can't.
Will wants to keep his music career separate from his movie career.
Like the Fresh Prince of Bel Air is ever gonna have a movie career.
Get me everything you can. I'll put together a press kit on him, and we'll just do it.
OK.
- Patty, get me Kirsch. - (Patty) Sure, Ollie.
I can handle this Fresh Prince stuff if you wanna take a couple of days...
Hey, Arthur, I can do my job. I'm all set, OK? You do your job. Go ahead.
Patty, did you not hear me? I asked you to please get Kirsch on the phone.
- Ollie? - (Patty) I'm trying.
What, man?
I know I told you at the funeral, but I'm really sorry...
I'm fine. OK, Arthur? I am fine!
Please go do what I asked you to do now.
- Kirschner on one. - OK! Put him on the phone then!
- How's the baby? - The baby is fine, Arthur!
Forget about the baby! I just wanna do my job!
(Kirschner) Jesus Christ, Ollie! What the hell you screamin' about?
- Patty, was that... - (turns intercom off)
(baby crying)
(Ollie) I'm working on that right now. Don't worry.
Just get there early and deal with the menu. OK?
Hey! Are you deaf? The kid is cryin' up there.
Can you deal with that? I'm doing something important. OK? Thanks.
What the hell could be more important than your kid crying?
I have a memorabilia donation ceremony in the morning
that my company is treating like a royal wedding
'cause apparently the client's the most beloved American musician since Elvis.
The kid's been screaming for the last ten minutes.
If it bothers you so much, go up there and give her a bottle. OK?
Sorry. It's a nightmare trying to work at this house.
Jesus! Let me call you back, OK?
- What, Dad? - Listen, kid.
I lost a wife too, remember? So I get how you're feelin'. But come on.
You were married for what, 20 years? I got about 20 minutes.
So you don't "get" how I'm feeling at all, OK?
I'm sorry, Oliver, but that don't change the fact that you're a goddamn father now
and you haven't acted like it since that kid got home from the hospital!
I been calling in sick for a month to do the things you're supposed to be doin'!
Jesus Christ, if Gertie could see the shit you've been pulling...
Gertie doesn't see anything anymore, Dad. She's dead.
Yeah, she's dead.
But you ain't. And neither is that kid.
(baby continues crying)
(dialing)
Yeah. It's nothin'.
Uh...
All right, so I'm gonna do the kit. It's almost finished.
You can deal with the menu. What time's Will getting there?
(baby crying)
Dad, the baby's up!
(crying continues)
Dad! The baby needs to be fed!
Dad!
(Bart) What the hell...?!
Are you nuts? What, are you trying to get killed?!
- What are you doing? - Searching for Christ. What's it look like?
It would have been nice if you'd told me you were leaving the house!
That way, I could've given you the baby instead of driving all the way down here!
- Now I'm gonna hit traffic! - No, you ain't giving me the baby.
Hey! Excuse me?
I got uptown and downtown to do this morning.
- You're on your own with the kid today. - What?! No!
I have this press conference I have to do this morning, Dad! You know that!
- I got a job to do too. - If I don't leave right now...
- So leave! - And do what with the baby?!
- Take her with you! - Goddamn it! I...
Look, I know I haven't been helping out that much with the baby...
Listen to you, "Helping out that much with the baby."
She's your daughter, for Christ's sakes!
- What am I supposed to do with her?! - Try acting like her father, shithead!
Goddamn it!
Folks, I'm sorry.
- Sorry. Steve. - What the...?!
- I ordered diapers. Did they get here yet? - You mean baby diapers?
Why didn't you start half an hour ago? You shouldn't have waited for me!
- We're waiting for Will. - Will's not here?!
- No. - Are either of you guys Trinket?
- Close enough. Where is he? - We're not sure.
Damn! That baby smells like shit. You know that, right?
(Arthur) It's a good thing you finally showed up, man.
- They're gettin' all rowdy out there. - Oh, Mother of God!
- What? Jesus... - Ollie!
Ollie, the guy from Rolling Stone... Holy shit! What is that smell?
Grow up, Susan! It's a dirty diaper. What did the Rolling Stone guy say?
If we don't start in five minutes, they're leaving
to go cover the Blues Traveler signing at Tower.
- Jesus Christ! - Hey, you're doing that wrong.
- What? - You're doing that wrong.
You're supposed to wipe front to back. You're wiping back to front.
You do that, you're just wiping the poop into her...
..crevice.
Get outta here! Beat it!
Mark my words, you're gonna give her the crotch-rot.
- Would one of you do... You do this. - Oh, not me. No.
Will you do this so I can go out there and calm them down?
Why, because I'm a girl? I've never even seen a naked baby. No!
Fine. Thank you very much. I'm gonna remember this.
- How much of this am I supposed to use? - Should I get that guy back?
If it's for the smell, I suggest you use a lot.
Ooh! You gotta turn... turn it. You gotta turn the top!
Oh! Direct it at the baby.
Thank you! Go out there, please, and tell them we're about to start!
I'd say more.
That's a lot.
(music playing)
All right, the Fresh Prince is almost here.
Is that blow on your shirt?
What do you think, Stretch? This is show business, right?
- That was a joke, people. - Where's the Fresh Prince?
- The Fresh Prince is on his way. - (baby crying)
- It's crying. Will you take it? - No! No.
- Is that Jazzy Jeff? - (all laugh)
This is bullshit! Where's the Fresh Prince?
Will someone please shut that girl up?
Enough with the Romper Room, man! Bring out the Fresh Prince!
(chanting) Fresh Prince! Fresh Prince!
- Please take her. - (chanting continues)
I, uh...
Goddamn it! Christ! Give her to me! Give me the baby.
(chanting continues)
Would you people just shut the hell up with the "Fresh Prince" already?!
He's a two-bit TV actor...
who won't be around any longer than it takes for the ink to dry
on the pages of the worthless rags you jerk-offs write for!
(silence)
Shit.
- That guy's toast. - That's a hell of a quote.
(∮ "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" by George Jones)
(baby crying)
∮ Well, I looked over Jordan
- (Arthur crying) - ∮ And what did I see?
It's all right, Arthur.
∮ Comin' for to carry me home
∮ A band of angels
∮ Coming after me
∮ Coming for to carry me home
∮ Swing low, sweet chariot
∮ Coming for to carry me home
∮ Swing low, sweet chariot
∮ Coming for to carry me home
We won't be here too long, Dad.
We'll be out of your hair as soon as I get another job.
I have some feelers out to the other firms right now.
As soon as this whole thing blows over...
It's OK to stay here as long as you need to, till you get back on your feet.
- I appreciate that. - On one condition.
- Here we go. - You put the kid to bed every night.
- That's it? - For starters.
And no whores. I don't want no whores in my house.
I'm not really a whoremonger, Dad.
Here, the kid gets this.
That's cute. 8:00, you both get a bottle.
Just shut the hell up and go be a father, would ya, please?
No?
(clears throat) Yeah, this is only temporary, us... you know...
Iiving with your grandfather here.
So...
how about that Fresh Prince thing, huh?
It was quite a show.
Your dad's one big horse's ass.
Daddy's ex-bosses said the guys who did PR for Hitler
have a better chance of working in this business again than Daddy does.
So, OK...
How're you doin'?
Yeah... You know, you kinda look like your mom.
Like a squishier, balder version of your mom.
Man...
I just wish you could've gotten to meet your mom.
I know she wanted to meet you... in a big, bad way.
In a big, bad way.
Sometimes, Daddy wishes he'd have died instead of Mommy.
Because Mommy never would've...
Iet work get in the way of... getting to know you,
Iike Daddy has for the last... month or so.
It's just that Daddy... he didn't expect Mommy...
(sighs) to leave the way she did.
It's just really hard on Daddy, who's been trying to fill up his days with work,
so he wouldn't have to think about Mommy never being around again.
I just loved your mom so much.
You know?
She really lit my world on fire.
When that happens...
you kinda think it'll go on like that until one of you dies. You know?
You just don't expect...
I miss her so much. So, so much.
And you're a little piece of Mommy. And that makes you really special to Daddy.
Just don't go anywhere.
'Cause you're the next best thing to Mommy, and I love you so much.
And I'll always be here for you.
And I'm sorry about the way I've been acting.
I promise you... I'll be better now.
I'm gonna be the best daddy in the world.
'Cause that's what Mommy wanted. And that's what you deserve.
And that's all I am now.
I'm just your dad.
Your dad likes to run off at the mouth sometimes, I know.
(sneezes)
Your mother wasn't a fan, either.
You wanna see a picture of your mom? I have one.
This was your mommy. She was really pretty.
OK. You can keep it.
Daddy's got a bunch.
There you go.
Goodnight, Gertie.
(bell ringing)
(∮ "Worlds They Rise and Fall" by Mike Heron)
∮ Worlds...
∮ They rise and fall
(Ollie) Gertie!
∮ Within her eyes
Your chariot awaits, Princess.
Let's go!
We gotta go! Argh!
∮ To fly in the sky
- How was school, good? - Mm-hm.
- You have a nice time? - Yep.
Remember to put your seat belt on? Know where to find it?
Yep.
Lock and load. Comin' around. Get ready.
- Ready? - Punch it, Chewy!
- Can we go see Cats? - Absolutely not.
Why?
Cats was the second-worst thing that ever happened to New York City.
- Besides, Cats closed three years ago. - We never do anything cool.
You're ridin' in the Batmobile, aren't ya? How cool is that?
Oh, my God.
Look, no one's more depressed than me that driving the street sweeper
is considered the height of excitement in my life.
I used to live in New York City.
I could've gone to see Cats three times a day.
- It's not like I ever ask for anything. - Oh-ho-ho!
"And the Oscar goes to Gertie Trinke,
for her performance in Laying It On Thick For My Old Man. "
What is it with you and Cats all of a sudden?
I wanna sing a Cats song in the big show, like everybody else.
- What big show? - There's gonna be this big show at school.
All the people have to sing a song with people from their family.
- Are you inviting me to this big show? - Duh! Yeah, you and Pop too.
Oh-ho! I'm sure that'll go over huge with your pop.
Can Uncle Greenie and Uncle Block be in it too?
Those men are not your uncles. They're barely even your peers.
Pee-ers?
- When is this big show? - Right before Thanksgiving break.
Does it have to be something from the Bible?
I don't think so. Is Cats in the Bible?
The Satanic Bible, yes.
- What? - When you taking her to see the cats?
Jesus, you too?
Gertie!
Do you even know what Cats is, Dad?
- What, I don't read the papers? - You don't read that paper.
What are you doing with a New York Times?
They ran out of the Ledger.
They don't have the Jumble in the Times, Dad.
Shit.
- Where were you? - I was in the bathroom.
- Why didn't I hear the toilet flush? - Oh. I forgot.
OK, march your butt back upstairs and flush that toilet.
And when I say no about something,
Iike, I don't know, Cats, maybe, I mean no.
OK?
- Pop, you were supposed to be subtle! - Why do you teach her words like that?
You're gonna have to mow the park for me tomorrow. I can't do it.
- Why the hell not? - I have an appointment in the city at 1 1 :00.
Jesus, kid, why do you keep doin' it to yourself?
How many of these interviews you gotta go on
before you get it through your thick head
they don't want you in that business anymore?
For Christ's sakes, you made fun of that Prince Charles guy.
- (toilet flushing) - Thank you.
First of all, Dad, I didn't "make fun" of anybody.
I made one remark about Will Smith, the Fresh Prince.
Sooner or later, everyone's gonna forget about that
and I'm gonna go back to doing what I'm really good at,
instead of sweeping streets and plowing snow and picking up garbage.
OK?
If you're going into the city anyway, at least take the kid to see the cats.
(Ollie sighs)
Oh, God...
I'll tell you what, since there is no more Cats,
Gertie, why don't you come over here and pick out another play that you wanna see?
Look through here. Anything you want. Go nuts.
- Cats is a show? - Yeah, you read the papers.
You think you're slick, don't ya, young lady?
Next time you're lookin' for a partner in crime,
you're gonna have to aim higher than your grandfather.
- (whispers) He's soft in the head. - (Bart) I heard that!
Here. Can we go see this show?
Sweeney Todd? Do you know that this has a lot of singing?
- It's still a play. - OK. I'm just checking.
Your dad one time lost a bet with someone at his work,
and he had to go see a singing play, done by people on roller skates.
- Cool! - Your dad didn't think so.
(Ollie) I handled primarily recording artists
but when I initially trained, I trained in film PR, so I can do that too.
I, uh... took the last six or seven years off. I was raising my daughter in New Jersey.
But I kept abreast, so... I'm pretty comfortable jumping back in.
What else can I tell you guys? Uh...
That's it. I can start, you know, right away.
- You guys all right? - (clears throat)
Are you the Ollie Trinke? The one who used to work at Mandel/Kirschner?
Yeah.
- Son of a bitch! - Yes! I told you, Reynolds! Pay up!
- (Reynolds) I got it. - Am I missin' somethin'?
Nah, nah, he just bet me you were the Ollie Trinke,
the one who pulled "The Fresh Prince".
- They named it? - Of course!
Are you kidding? You're a legend, man!
You did what every flack only dreams about doing!
- Which was what? - You went apeshit!
You trashed your client back to the Stone Age.
- Yeah. - We bow to you, man.
- You're like a god around here. - Yep, exactly.
- God enough to get a job? - No.
- What, are you insane? - No chance, Trinke! (laughing)
- Pop, I'm home! - (Bart) Yeah, like I give a shit.
You know, thanks a lot, Pop!
- That's what it looks like? - I guess.
- What does yours look like? - Not like that.
Yeah? Let me see.
All right.
(Ollie) Gertie! It's time for Bryan to go home.
OK...
- What are your intentions? - Huh?
What are your intentions with my daughter?
- Do you plan on marrying her? - I don't know.
Well, only married boys and girls, ahem...
show each other their, uh...
their, you know, uh...
..parts.
OK?
OK, Bryan, you can go now. If you come back, come back with a ring.
Yes, Mr. Trinke.
- Bye, Gertie. - Bye.
Goodbye, Bryan.
OK.
Do you have any, uh...
questions about what you...
you know...
you know, whatever, saw?
Do you have what Bryan has?
Yes, I have one... too.
Is yours as big as his?
Sadly, yes.
- Can we rent a movie? - Yes.
- So they wouldn't give you a job, huh? - No. But apparently, Daddy's a legend.
You don't need that job anyway. You already got a job.
Yes, well, Daddy used to have a job
where a nightly shower was an option, not a necessity.
- You know what job you should do? - What's that?
You should be a dance teacher, like Johnny in Dirty Dancing.
I should? Should I say, "Nobody puts Baby in a corner"?
Oh, can we rent Dirty Dancing again?
Ohh... Dirty Dancing ranks one notch below Cats in my book.
Can you pick out something else?
Can we rent this?
Absolutely not. Go pick out something from the children's section.
- All those movies suck. - Watch your language.
Nah, that's...
No, I guess that's it. Yep, yep, that's it.
I'll just take this and whatever the kid's getting.
Just go ahead and put it in the bag. I'm all set.
It's good.
"Bi-Bi Guys, featuring Curious Jordie"?
Interesting choice. Does the wife know you're looking into your options?
It's... I got the...
- I got the wrong box by accident. - Oh, right.
Would you mind, uh... exchanging that for me for something...
anything you can get your hands on that's, you know...
- So, then you want something... -...that's non-bi.
Can I have your membership card, please?
Yeah, sure.
Do you mind if I asked you a few questions about your renting practices?
Uh... sure.
Really? Uh...
Do you always rent adult titles with your daughter in tow, or is this the first time?
Excuse me?
When you rent porn, do you usually do it with family around,
or is this like a, you know, special occasion?
- Do I have to answer this? - I'm a grad student, writing a thesis paper.
"A Bird in the Hand: The Family Man and the Pornographic Fixation".
OK. I would rather not take part.
Really?
Frank, is Bi-Bi Guys a one or a two-night rental?
- What are you getting, Daddy? - Yeah, Daddy. Let's just take a look...
Let's not, OK?
Would you mind not asking me those questions when my daughter's with me?
How about when you bring these back?
That's... Yeah.
In an effort to get honest feedback, leave the kid and the wife at home.
My mom's dead. She died when I was born.
Oh, Jesus.
Man, I'm sorry. I didn't...
No, you didn't.
Let's go.
I'm sorry.
Do I have to?
Major Damage didn't have to go to bed when he fought the Tiki Terrors!
- (mom) Melvin! - And do they...
- (knocking) - I'll get it.
You will not. You're not even supposed to be up this late.
Watch your video.
- (Melvin) But, Mom! - (mom) Say, "OK, Mom. "
- (Melvin) Ahh! - (mom) Say, "OK, Mom. "
Hi.
Hey! You're the lady from the video store.
Let's not use that term too loosely, OK? Go back and watch your video.
Yes?
I just wanted to come here
and tell you that I'm really sorry about earlier tonight.
I feel like shit about what I said and your daughter and everything.
Well... you should.
You know that kid was crying in the car the whole way home?
- Oh, no... - No, I wasn't.
- Get back inside and watch your video! - Nice! Real nice.
See, now you have to let me interview you for my paper.
Is that why you're here?
I just think you'd make one hell of an interesting case study.
The sympathetic widower who doesn't have time to date 'cause he's raising a kid,
so he rents porn instead. I mean, I think that's very interesting stuff.
Jesus Christ! You've got some nerve, lady.
And besides, I'd really like to make it up to you.
For what I said, and for embarrassing you before that.
You're really having a banner evening. You're batting a thousand tonight.
You're Ollie, right? I'm Maya Harding.
"Hi, Maya. Nice to meet you."
Hi.
Come on, why don't you let me take you out one day this week?
You do eat lunch when you're not knee-deep in adult movies, right?
I appreciate it, but, uh... no thanks.
Ollie, come on, you're ruining my karma level here.
What, buying me one lunch is gonna square you with Krishna?
Hare Hare!
Is Monday OK? Sound good?
I mean, I was thinking nothing fancy. I was thinking maybe, like, the diner.
- Around noon? - No!
Noon it is!
Oh...
See you there. Bye!
An incredibly strange woman.
(honking horn)
I did not hear the toilet flush.
Thank you.
- Can we get popcorn? - This isn't the movies, sweetheart.
They don't sell popcorn here. This is Broadway. This is class.
∮ And if you're beautiful
∮ What then?
∮ With yellow hair like wheat
∮ I think we shall not meet again, my little dove
∮ My sweet Johanna
∮ Goodbye, Johanna
∮ You're gone and yet you're mine
∮ I'm fine, Johanna
∮ I'm fine
(Ollie) OK. You see that floor. Now look three windows in from the right.
See that window? That's where we used to live before we lived with Pop.
We'd still live there if we lived in the city.
- If Mommy was still alive? - Yep.
- Dad... - Yes?
Do you miss Mommy?
I do. Every day.
- What was she like? - I've told you a million times.
- I know, but I forget. - No, I don't think you forget.
I think you just like to hear me tell you. Which is OK. It's all right.
You can ask about your mommy as much as you want.
So tell me already.
Well, she was pushy, like you were right there.
She was beautiful, like you are right now.
And she was... smart...
and strong, like you'll grow up to be one day.
I'm smart now.
I know. I wasn't impugning your intelligence or anything.
What's "impugning" mean?
Oh, not so smart now, are you?
- That's a big word. - Yes, you're right, it is.
Let's see. To impugn means to criticize.
So... Pop's always impugning you, right?
Well, he thinks he is.
But he's just talking to make sure he's still alive.
Pop is a very, very old man.
What do you think? You like the city?
It's OK. But I like Highlands better.
- You do? - Yeah.
My school's there, and my friends... And we can rent movies there.
Well, if memory serves, you can rent movies here too.
Yeah, but not from that pretty lady at the video store.
- Oh, you think she's pretty, do you? - Don't you?
Isn't that why you're taking her on a date?
It's not a date. The only girl I take on dates is you, OK?
This is a date. We're on a date.
- We are? - Mm-hm.
- It doesn't feel like a date. - It doesn't?
Well, I can fix that.
Sir!
(Maya) So, uh, question one: How often do you rent adult movies?
- Do I really have to do this? - You have nothing to be ashamed about.
Interest in adult film can be healthy, as long as it's not habitual.
- So come on, how often? - Three or four times a week.
OK, maybe I was wrong. You should be ashamed.
You have a real talent for making the subject feel open
and comfortable in a safe environment.
So you're renting it presumably to masturbate to, right?
- Good God! - Come on, don't be such a tight-ass.
We're all adults here.
I know I'm an adult. How old are you, exactly?
- I'll be 26 in March. - 26?
You still haven't learned some things aren't polite to talk about in public?
If it makes you feel any better, I do it, like, twice a day.
- Good God! - What can I tell ya? I get bored easily.
You're gonna get carpal tunnel syndrome.
Don't get all judgmental with me. You're no slouch yourself.
- Well, no, l... - I just have a healthy sexual appetite.
Why don't you go out and get yourself a boyfriend?
Why don't you just go out and get yourself a girlfriend?
I work all day, I hang out with my kid all night.
So you'd rather hang out with your kid than get laid?
- Yeah. - Aw... that's kinda sweet.
I'm kinda crushin' on you right now, Trinke.
OK. Can I go home now?
No. When was the last time you had sex?
I would rather not disclose that information.
Oh, come on, don't clam up on me now.
You're gonna remain anonymous in my paper.
Ha! Anonymity doesn't concern me. Embarrassment does.
- Why would you be embarrassed? - Because it's been a long time.
- How long? - A long time.
Come on, champ. Own it. Just put it out there.
I swear I won't make any editorial cracks about it.
Not in front of you, at least.
- Seven years. - Seven years?
Since my wife died, yeah.
You know, a dumbfounded, mouth-agape look of shock
might be construed by some as an editorial crack too.
- I'm sorry. - It's OK. It's fine.
No, it's not. I mean, it's not at all.
With all due respect to your wife, you've gotta get back on the horse, man.
- No, I don't, actually. - Yes, you do.
- No, I don't. - Yes, you... Get up.
- Are we done? - With this, for now. But come with me.
Lord have mercy.
- Where are we going? - To your place.
We're gonna have some sex.
- What, did you forget something? - No. Look, I appreciate the offer.
I'm very flattered. But I can't do this.
What's the matter? Don't you think I'm cute?
- Of course I think you're cute. - Well, then?
Look, I'm not just celibate because of my daughter.
There are a lot of emotional issues in it too.
I mean, my wife may be dead. I'm still very much in love with her.
Hey, I respect that. I'm not telling you to fall in love with me here,
and I'm not trying to replace your wife.
I'm just talking about two consenting adults having some casual sex.
Probably some really short casual sex, with you being a little out of practice.
- I can't do it, I'm sorry. - What are you, a monk?
God! Let's look at this logically, OK?
- You rent porn and touch yourself, right? - Would you lower your voice?
If you're not sweating how your wife would feel about you and porn,
then you shouldn't sweat what I'm proposing 'cause it's the same thing.
Only somebody else is doing the touching and you're saving a $2 rental fee.
Come on, stud. Man cannot live on porn alone.
Oh, God...
I'm home!
Pop?!
- Oh, my God... What do I do? - Get in the bathroom!
(shower running)
- Pop? - Uh, no, honey, it's me.
Daddy? Why aren't you at work?
Uh, because I had to come home and do... I had to...
come home and take a shower.
- Can we rent a movie? - Yeah, sure, sure, sure.
As soon as I get done up here and dry off, I'll come down.
OK.
Oh, my God. That was so close.
What do we do now? I'm wet.
Sorry, Dad, I forgot again.
(flushing)
Shh!
Hi, honey.
You remember Maya. From the video store.
- What are your intentions? - Excuse me?
What are your intentions with my father?
Like, do you plan on marrying him?
Uh... I don't...
Because I was taught that only married girls show their girl parts to boys.
- Right, Daddy? - Uh... right. Yes.
Mm-hm.
Can we rent all the movies we want for free?
What?
Can we rent all the movies we want for free?
Yes! Yes, yes. For God's sake, yes.
If it means we're not, you know, that we're not in trouble anymore.
And... Right, Maya? Yes!
Uh... whatever you want. It's on the house.
Even Dirty Dancing?
Yeah.
And we can do Sweeney Todd for the show at school?
What?
We can do Sweeney Todd for the show at school?
- No, honey, that's too grown-up. - Really?
Oh man, what am I gonna tell Pop about you guys?
Fine. We can do Sweeney Todd for the show at school.
OK!
Would you shut the hell up already? Christ, Greenie, you're always...
- Oh, Jesus. - Oh!
Christ Almighty. You wearin' a... wearin' a towel?
Just as long as you didn't do it on my bed.
Oh, Jesus Christ, it was one time in high school! You wanna let it go already?
I banged a broad in my parents' bed once. It was nice.
Terrific. Just so you know, we didn't "bang".
- What, did ya get to third base? - No!
Not that it's any of your business, but we didn't do anything.
We lost our heads for a second, then cooler heads prevailed
and we stopped before we did anything we'd both regret.
- The kid busted in on 'em. - Oh.
Let's talk about something else for a second, like this water main.
- How bad is it? - Definitely needs to be replaced.
Jesus Christ. If we gotta shut down Bay Avenue for that,
this town is gonna throw a shit fit.
I'm sure.
Hey, kid, you haven't had to inconvenience the taxpayers on the job yet.
They get like animals. Remember back in '88?
South Peak Street.
Holy shit, I thought they were gonna crucify us upside down.
- Like St Peter. - Who are you, the Holy Father?
Everybody knows I meant St Peter. You don't have to explain my shit.
I'm just saying...
When I was down there, how many cars did you wave around?
Three or four.
Three or four cars for the whole half hour I was down there?
Well, it was rush hour.
Yeah, I don't think the legion of commuters in the Highlands of New Jersey
are gonna object to us closing down a small portion of Bay Avenue for a few days.
- (gavel banging) - One at a time, please! One at a time!
- We're doing the best we can. - (Bart) You were saying?
Why doesn't somebody just go up there and explain to them what's happening?
Why don't you do it, Daddy? Wasn't that your old job?
Making people like singers by saying nice things about 'em?
- Yes, baby, but... - No, the kid's got a point there.
As a guy who used to sling bullshit for a living,
I nominate you to go up there and say something.
- Oh, you do, huh? - Yeah.
- It can't hurt. - Go ahead.
Thanks, Pop.
(angry shouting)
(comptroller) Control yourselves!
He's goin' up there.
Folks, one second. Please. Folks.
My name's Oliver Trinke and I'm with the borough.
So I guess that makes me the least popular guy in the room.
(chuckling)
I want to assure you that, uh...
this Bay Avenue job will be a very minimal inconvenience.
It'll only take three days at the most.
Bullshit! Bullshit!
(murmurs of agreement)
(angry shouting)
(gavel banging)
Folks, a little decorum! A little decorum!
Folks, one second.
I just have one more thing that I just want to add.
I live in this town. I see you guys headin' to work every day.
(music playing)
(Ollie) I'm telling you, it was amazing!
And I get up there and I weave this web of bullshit so profoundly mesmerizing,
- I turn the entire place around! - You silver-tongued devil, you.
Everything I was saying was just right on the money, you know?
Maybe that's 'cause you weren't actually slinging as much bullshit as you thought.
"Get out there and play in the dirt"? I mean, what... I made that up!
Sounds pretty good to me. Hey, Gert.
The sad thing is, I had a greater sense of accomplishment from the water-main thing
than anything else I've done in the past seven years.
I get it. I mean, you set out to do something and you did it.
So you feel drunk with power now. Makes sense.
That's just it. I was the youngest flack ever put in charge of its entire division...
(both)...in the history of Mandel/Kirschner.
- I know. - That's an accomplishment.
Convincing a town to approve something that's already in their best interest?
- That's just delayed common sense. - Yeah, but that's your life now.
I mean, being the youngest flack in the history of blah, blah, blah...
that's not you anymore. I mean, that might never have been you.
Oh, it was me. It was me with my own apartment,
me richer, me with more self-respect.
Like it or not, this is you.
I mean, forget about what you thought you were and just accept who you are.
- I guess I'll just get this. - Gert, what are you doing?
I distinctly remember your father telling you you could get Dirty Dancing.
- Oh, yeah! He did! - Yeah.
Thanks for that, by the way.
Incidentally, she's been asking me when she's gonna grow boobies like yours.
- Oh, my God! - She's seven, OK?
If you want, I can give her the old "boobie" talk my mom gave me when I was a kid.
Does that talk include using the word "knockers"?
I'm glad there's no, you know, awkwardness between us.
After the... well, the thing that happened last week with...
Ollie, I was gonna give you a mercy jump.
The moment passed. It's no big deal.
- Just friends, right? - Yeah, friends.
(sighs)
"Mercy jump." Stay away from my kid.
(electric saw)
- No, that's too round. - Shut up.
- Shut up! Shut up! - Just make it...
- Would you shut the hell up?! - All right!
There's people gettin' their throats cut in this thing.
Yep.
And your father said you could do this for the show?
Yep.
Why the hell would he OK you singing this shit?
Because I saw him and Maya naked in the shower.
Oh, yeah.
Heh-heh! That'll do it.
(Ollie) Can I speak with an Arthur Brickman, please?
- Ollie. - Arthur.
- Hey, man. - How're you doin'?
- Good. How are you? - Good. Good to see you.
You know, the town voted unanimously, approved the water main, so...
You were always great with a crowd.
Well, except that... that once, of course.
But that's it. It was the polar opposite of the Fresh Prince incident.
It was like I was on the top of my game. Which is why I wanted to see ya.
- Uh, I wanna ask you a favor. - Anything, man. What?
Is there any way that you could get me an interview with your firm?
You're serious?
I thought it was weird that you wanted to eat here.
- Oh, I know it's gonna be tough... - Tough?
Ollie, you called a roomful of press a bunch of jerk-offs,
and trashed a client who's one of the biggest movie stars on the planet.
- He wasn't big then. - No, but he is now.
You wanna know how big? When I left Mandel/Kirschner,
there were some firms that wouldn't even look at my resume because l...
No offense, but because I worked under you.
I've only been at Angellotti a year now...
You know what, man? Forget I asked. Don't worry about it. Seriously.
- It was stupid. I got carried away... - No, let me finish.
What I was gonna say was...
I've been waiting years to be in a position to be able to help you out, and now I am.
It's not gonna be an easy sell, but...
I think I can get you in a room with Angellotti himself.
- Thank you so much. - Of course.
You know, you're a lot more affectionate than I remember.
Ah, it's just... I miss it so much, you know?
It's the only thing I was ever any good at.
Oh, this is great. I can move back here...
I can put Gertie in a really good, expensive private school...
I can get her a nanny, you know?
It'll be like that whole Fresh Prince thing never even happened.
I'll work on the old man when I get back to the office and call you tonight if it's a go.
Oh, great.
- (piano) - (Gertie) ∮ Excuse me
- (Ollie) ∮ Psst - ∮ Dear, see to the customers
- ∮ Psst - ∮ Guess what's the...
- ∮ Quick now! - ∮ My heart's a-flutter
- (phone rings) - ∮ When I pound the floor
∮ It's a signal to show that I'm ready to go
∮ When I pound the floor... I have to get the phone.
Come on, Pop! Do Dad's part.
- Me? - Yeah.
Yeah, go do that.
Hello? Hey, Arthur.
You're kidding?
∮ I'll pound three times Three times...
Why do I have to sing your dad's part? I'm supposed to be the guy who gets clipped.
- You are, but you're Dad's understudy too. - What the hell is that?
It means if Daddy breaks a leg, then you do his part for him.
- So, come on, try it again. - You're doin' good.
∮ I'll pound three times...
∮ Three times!
Wait, wait, wait! I'm supposed to be the understudy now.
I cannot work like this. I'm sorry.
- This is no way to run a show. - You were good.
You can go back to waiting in the wings, Tommy Tune.
I'll be doin' my own singing henceforth.
- Who's Tommy Tune? - Tommy Tune is a man
that you can get a chance to see live and on Broadway
when we move back to New York City!
- What? - What?
Yeah, what?
I was just on the phone with an old friend that I worked with at Mandel/Kirschner.
I had lunch with him and I asked him if he'd get me an interview with his new firm.
Jesus, another interview, Ollie? Come on, when are you gonna learn?
Well, smart guy, he just called me, said he sat down with his boss,
sold me to his boss like I was the cure for cancer.
It just so happens that a little spot has opened up in their music department.
Boom! After six years of being a pariah,
I'm gonna get back in!
I'm talkin' about no more street sweeper,
no more picking up garbage, and no more water main!
I'm talking press lines, I'm talking about parties!
I'm talking about a Westside address,
I'm talkin' about a good school for Gertie!
But I already go to a good school.
Yes, honey, but you're gonna go to a way, way better school in New York City.
You're gonna be able to take the subway to school. Won't that be fun?
But the subway's full of junkies and mole-men.
- Well, they are. - Don't listen to Pop.
What do I tell you? He makes things up!
- You'll see. The subways are great. - I don't wanna see.
I don't wanna go to a school up in the city. I wanna go to my school.
Honey, it's gonna be too far of a drive for me to come back down here
to take you to school in New Jersey every morning.
So let's not move to the city. Let's stay here with Pop.
Sweetheart, I'm too old to be living with my father.
I need to get my own place.
And Pop... I mean, look at him, he's a mad-dog.
He doesn't want us around here getting in his way, crampin' his style...
- Do you, Pop? - That's all horseshit.
You know... thanks, Pop.
I don't wanna move to the city. I like it here.
Pop says you can live here as long as you want.
Baby, remember when I took you to see Sweeney Todd?
How much fun was that? We had a good time, right?
I mean, if we move to New York City, we can do that every night!
Except for the nights you're working, of course.
You know what? Why don't you shut up for a second, OK?
I'm trying to talk to my daughter.
You love New York City. You told me you loved the city.
- No, I didn't. - Oh!
- I said it was OK. - Jesus Christ!
I said I like Highlands better. Why would you want some other job anyway, Dad?
You get to ride the Batmobile!
Baby, Daddy doesn't wanna drive the Batmobile!
Daddy wants to eat sushi! Daddy wants to hail cabs!
Daddy wants to have a doorman!
Daddy wants to lord it over magazine editors!
Daddy loved his old job, and he's missed it every day since he's been gone.
Daddy wants to do that job. Daddy doesn't wanna pick up garbage forever!
But you told everybody at the meeting that your job's good
because you don't have to wear a suit.
Yes, but Daddy was just saying that to get them to say yes to a water main.
So you were just lying to everybody?
Look, OK, I'll tell you what. I'll go to the meeting, all right?
If I don't like what the man says, then I won't take the job.
Now you're lying to me!
All right, look, young lady! I'm gonna go to this job interview on Monday,
whether you like it or not.
Wait, this Monday?
- Yes. - Ollie, you can't go on Monday.
- Why? - Because that's the day of my show!
Oh, shit. It is, isn't it?
Well, it's at four, so I can, you know, make it back in time.
But my show's at five!
On what planet are you gonna get back here by five
if you've got a meeting in the city at four?
Just lay off me for a second! I forgot about the show.
How could you forget? What, are you stupid?
Gertie, this job is very important to Daddy.
What about my show? Isn't that important to you?
Yes, honey, that's even more important to me.
Then don't go to your stupid meeting about your stupid new job in the stupid city!
- That's enough, young lady! - I don't even want you in the show!
You're not even a good Sweeney Todd anyway.
Pop's way better. Even Uncle Greenie and Uncle Block are better than you.
Those men are not your uncles!
Oh, no, but we're good enough to build sets for her show, right?
Sorry, I didn't mean that. Where are you going?
I don't wanna be around you! I don't even want you to come to the show to watch it.
- Oh, come on! - I don't! I don't even like you anymore!
Get back here, young lady! Hey! I'm talkin' to you!
Hey, young lady! Get back here, young lady!
No! You can't tell me what to do! I don't have to do anything you say!
- Yes, you do! - Why?
Because I'm your father, that's why!
- So what? - Don't you yell at me, Gertrude!
I'll yell at you all I want!
Blah, blah, blah! I'm not moving to the stupid city!
All right, that's it! You are moving to the city and you're gonna like it, and that's the end.
I hate you! I wish you'd died, not Mommy!
I hate you right back, you little shit!
You and your mother took my life away and I just want it back!
God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, sweetheart. I didn't mean...
- Get off me! - I'm sorry...
Get off of me!
What the hell's the matter with you?
Huh?!
(∮ "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac)
∮ I took my love and I took it down
∮ I climbed a mountain and I turned around
∮ And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
∮ Till the landslide brought me down
∮ Oh, mirror in the sky what is love?
∮ Can the child within my heart rise above?
∮ Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
∮ Can I handle the seasons of my life?
∮ Mm-mm... I don't know
∮ Well, I've been afraid of changing
∮ 'Cause I've built my life around you
∮ But time makes you bolder
∮ Children get older
∮ And I'm getting older too
- Hey. - Hey.
What happened to you the other night? You just sort of took off.
It looked to me like you guys needed a little privacy.
What I really needed was a little backup.
She's a kid, Ollie. Kids don't weather change well.
I mean, in a few years, you won't be able to keep her out of Manhattan.
But for now, she just wants what she knows.
So do l.
Yeah, but is that even what you know anymore?
Oh, Jesus. You too?
You want your old life back. Big-money job, out of your old man's house...
It's not like it doesn't make any sense.
Yeah. So?
That's your life that you want back, not theirs.
I mean, this is their life. What you're sort of saying to everybody who loves you
is that what we have isn't good enough for you.
So it's just upsetting everybody, you know?
- Everybody? - Oh... What, me?
I mean, it's not like we've got some big romance going on or anything.
We're just friends, right?
Did you ever wonder if... maybe someday it might...
be more than that?
For about two seconds, before you had me hiding in the shower from your kid.
Look, Ollie, I like you, but...
I'm not gonna be all heartbroken 'cause you're leaving town.
I know.
Even if I took this job in the city,
I'd still come back down here and visit my old man. And you.
Why? I mean, you think I'm gonna stick around here for much longer?
- Maya... - Ollie...
I gotta get back to work.
If... if I don't... if I don't see you at the show,
give me a call sometime when you get all settled up in the big city.
Come on...
Shit.
(∮ "My City of Ruins" by Bruce Springsteen)
∮ Now there's tears on the pillow
∮ Darling where we slept
∮ And you took my heart when you left
∮ Without your sweet kiss my soul is lost, my friend
∮ Tell me, how do I begin again?
∮ My city's in ruins
∮ Now with these hands
∮ With these hands
∮ I pray, Lord
∮ (chorus) With these hands
- ∮ (chorus) With these hands - ∮ I pray for the strength, Lord
∮ (chorus) With these hands With these hands
∮ I pray for the faith, Lord
Hi, Daddy.
Hey, baby. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up.
It's OK.
Listen. I'm sorry - for yelling at you the other night.
I was wrong. And I didn't mean any of the things that I said.
I know. Neither did l.
- Daddy? - Yeah?
Did Mommy like living in the city?
Yeah, she did. She loved it.
Then I guess I'll love it too.
Thanks, sweetheart.
Thanks.
You know, I still might make it to your show tomorrow, if the traffic's not too bad.
I won't be mad if you miss it. I understand.
OK, sweetie. Go back to sleep. I love you.
Good night, Daddy.
Good night.
- ∮ (chorus) With these hands - ∮ I pray for my strength, Lord
∮ (chorus) With these hands With these hands
∮ Come on, rise up
George Clooney's office for T ony on line one.
The Angellotti Company. One moment, please.
- Can I help you? - Yes.
My name's Oliver Trinke and I'm here to see Arthur Brickman and Mr. Angellotti.
OK.
Mr. Trinke is here.
OK, I will.
- They'll be about ten more minutes. - OK.
- You can have a seat. - Right, right...
Hello.
Oh, my God... Hi!
I'm here to see Brad.
Yes! He's expecting you, sir.
He apologizes, but he's stuck in traffic He's just a few blocks away.
Why don't you just have a seat and I'll let him know that you've arrived.
Thank you very much.
They love to keep you waiting, don't they?
- Excuse me? - They love to keep you waiting.
Right. Yeah, yeah, they do.
I think they think it gives them a psychological edge, you know?
Well, it's about to give 'em the edge of my ass,
'cause that's all they're gonna see when I'm walkin' out that door.
You know anything about these guys?
Only that they're the fastest-growing...
"...firm in the business." Yes, I read that article too.
All right, well... You know as much as I do.
I guess that means they know what they're doing.
I suppose. Unless these publicists hire other publicists to get the word out for 'em.
Right. And then those publicists hire their own publicists
to help spin the good publicity they created for these publicists.
Of course, knowing publicists, they probably hire publicists
to promote the fact that they spun the publicity
that they hired the other publicists to spin. So...
- Oh man! So what do you do? - I'm a publicist.
I didn't realize I was sitting here talking to an Angellotti man.
Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not an Angellotti man.
At least not yet. I'm here trying to get a job.
These guys have been tryin' to steal me from my publicist since my last flick.
- Oh, the robot movie, right? - Oh, yeah, you saw it?
I haven't gotten around to it yet. I'm gonna...
Oh, yeah. Thanks a lot for the support though, man.
- I wanna see it... - You know what? It's not that good.
I have a kid. I don't get a chance to get out and see movies
unless they have singing crabs in 'em.
Singing crabs? I saw that one. That means you have a girl.
That's right.
- How old is she? - She's seven.
Yeah? Cool. I got a girl and two boys.
Three kids?
God. How do you find time to make all those blockbusters?
Shoot, if I didn't have all them damn kids,
I wouldn't have to make these blockbusters.
Right.
Oh, man.
- It's cool, though, isn't it? - Making blockbusters?
- You tell me. - Bein' a parent, funny man.
It has its moments.
- What's your daughter's name? - Gertrude.
Damn! Why'd you do that to that girl, man?
- Did you lose a bet? - No.
- No, it was my wife's name. - "Was"? OK, let me guess.
She took you for half after she saddled the kid with the name Gert?
I can't blame it on her. I saddled the kid with the name Gert.
She died in childbirth. So...
- No, no, no, it's... - I feel like an asshole, man.
- Don't worry about it. - No, listen, I'm really sorry about that.
I didn't see your movie, so we're even. Trust me.
This is exactly why people don't talk to each other in waiting rooms, right?
Probably. Although, I gotta tell ya...
the fact that the guy who wrote "Parents Just Don't Understand" is now a parent
completely makes up for it.
Oh, man. We don't though, do we?
- What's that? - Understand.
I mean, these kids today. From the door, man, they got it all over us.
My daughter has it all over me, I can tell you that.
Yeah, my middle one, my son?
Every time I walk out of the house in the morning
he says, "Daddy, how far you love me?"
I always pick somewhere close. "l love you to that table, man."
"No, you don't. You love me all the way to the moon and back down to the dirt."
That's great.
It take everything I got to walk out of that house.
You get to spend time with them on the set though, right?
Oh, yeah. But if I was a smart man, I wouldn't be sittin' here right now.
I'd be at home playing in the dirt with my kids.
But we all know that I'm not famous 'cause of my brains.
It's 'cause I'm, like, strikingly handsome, crazy sexy.
And I'm, like, hung like it's ridiculous.
Oh, man! But I'm definitely not the sharpest spoon in the shed.
You know...
- It was really nice talking to you. - Oh, hey, you too, man.
- You out? - I'm out.
Hey, you recommend these guys?
Uh... only guy I can recommend is named Arthur Brickman.
Other than that, I can't vouch for anybody.
Whoa, whoa, hold on. You Brickman?
No. I'm just a guy who'd rather play in the dirt with his kid.
- (Gertie) ∮ Toby! - ∮ Coming! 'Scuse me
- ∮ Ale there! - ∮ Right, mum!
∮ (Gertie) Quick now!
(Maya & Gertie) ∮ God, that's good!
You want some rouge, or should I just pinch your cheeks?
Pinch my cheeks, kids' show or not, I'll put you through the wall.
(applause)
(∮ "High" by The Cure)
I'd like to welcome everyone to Saint Maria Goretti's
Student/Family Fall Pageant.
This is a celebration of your children and their talents,
so we hope you enjoy the show.
Our first act is first-grader Cynthia Bodnar and her mother Jane,
performing the song "Memory" from the Broadway show Cats.
And now Tracy Colelli, from Sister Ann's kindergarten class,
will perform with her parents "Memory" from Cats.
And now, first-grader Martin Tobias and his mother will perform...
Oh, boy, this is a popular song.
..."Memory" from Cats.
You gotta be kidding me!
You couldn't make it easy on me, could you, Gert?
Honey, it's gonna be OK.
You're next, Gertie. Break a leg.
And now, we have something not from Cats. Thank God.
First-grader Gertrude Trinke and her father, Oliver...
Psst!
- Just my grandfather. - Oh.
I'm sorry. First-grader Gertrude Trinke and her grandfather
will be performing what I can only assume is a hymn,
entitled "God, That's Good", from the musical Sweeney Todd.
(music starts)
∮ Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?
∮ Are your nostrils aquiver and tingling as well
∮ At that delicate, luscious, ambrosial smell?
∮ Yes, they are, I can tell
∮ Well, ladies and gentlemen, that aroma enriching the breeze
∮ Is like nothing compared to its succulent source
∮ As the gourmets among you will tell you, of course
∮ Ladies and gentlemen, you can't imagine the rapture and star
∮ Just inside of this door
∮ There you'll sample Mrs. Lovett's meat pies
∮ Savory and sweet pies, as you see
∮ You who eats pies Mrs. Lovett's meat pies
∮ Conjure up the treat pies used to be
- ∮ Toby! - ∮ Coming! 'Scuse me...
- ∮ Ale there! - ∮ Right, mum!
- ∮ Quick now! - ∮ (Greenie and Block) God, that's good!
∮ Nice to see you, dearie
∮ How have you been keeping?
∮ Cor, me bones is weary Toby! One for the gentleman
∮ Hear the birdies cheeping? Helps to keep it cheery
∮ Toby! Throw the old woman out!
∮ (Greenie and Block) God, that's good!
∮ What's your budget, dearie? No, we don't cut slices
Take this off.
∮...me prices I'm a little leery
∮ Business couldn't be better, though
∮ (Greenie and Block) God, that's good!
∮ Knock on wood
- ∮ Psst! - ∮ Excuse me
- ∮ Psst! - ∮ Dear, see to the customers
- ∮ Psst! - ∮ Yes, what, love?
- ∮ Quick now! - ∮ Me heart's a-flutter
- ∮ When I pound the floor... - ∮ When you pound the floor
∮ It's a signal to show that I'm ready to go
- ∮ When I pound the floor... - ∮ When you pound the floor
- ∮ Will you trust me? - ∮ I just want to be sure
∮ When I'm certain that you're in place I'll pound three times
∮ Three times
∮ And then you!
∮ Three times!
∮ If you...
∮ Exactly!
- ∮ More hot pies! - ∮ God!
- ∮ More hot! - ∮ Right!
∮ (all) More pies! More!
∮ Wait!
∮ (all) God, that's good!
Shit.
- I love you, Daddy. - I love you too.
I love you so much.
- You were great. - You too.
You... guys...
- were... great! - Ooh!
Oh, God!
Hey, Gertie! Come dance with me.
- Bye, Uncle Greenie. Bye, Uncle Block. - Bye, sweetheart.
- I'm startin' to like show business. - Yeah.
Well, don't get caught up in the glory. Tomorrow you're on shithouse duty.
- You know, sometimes I just wanna... - Uh-huh.
I'm so tired of being your little geisha.
You had me worried there for a minute.
Yeah, who knew all those years you were nursing a case of stage fright.
Not about that, smart ass. About the other thing.
- About moving away. - Come on, Dad.
Don't you wanna live alone again?
Not as much as I don't wanna die alone.
We're not going anywhere, Pop.
(∮ "Let My Love Open The Door" by Pete Townshend)
You wanna go over there and cheer up your pop?
He's devastated about missing his big singing debut.
Aw!
Pop!
Hey, Princess!
Look at you. Mr. Big Hero of the Night.
Yeah, well, it might take me longer than some, but l, uh...
- May l? - Uh...
OK.
I like to think I come around eventually.
Well, you showing up when you did like that?
That was just about the most romantic thing I've ever seen.
Honestly.
Well... stick around.
It may get even more romantic than that.
- Really? - Yeah.
See? How was that for romance?
I'll think about it.
Do that.
Ollie Trinke...
Hey.
Your kid's cuttin' a rug with that Maya.
Uh...
The sun even shines on a dog's ass some days.
You getting a dog?
Maya?
- Can I dance with my dad now? - If you must.
Don't let him go, though, Gert. He's one of a kind.
I know.
Come here.
- You wanna dance? - So, no city?
- No. No city. - We're staying here with Pop?
God help us, yes, we're staying with Pop.
- And you're taking me to see Cats? - Oh-ho! Nice try, but no.
- Thank you, Daddy. - Anything for you, Gert.
- You know why? - Why?
'Cause you're the only thing I was ever really good at.
(∮ "Jersey Girl" by Bruce Springsteen)
∮ I got no time for the corner boys
∮ Down in the street making all that noise
∮ Or the girls out on the avenue
∮ 'Cause tonight I wanna be with you
∮ Tonight I'm gonna take that ride
∮ Across the river to the Jersey side
∮ Take my baby to the carnival
∮ Then I'll take her on all the rides
∮ 'Cause down the shore everything's all right
∮ You and your baby on a Saturday night
∮ You know all my dreams come true
∮ When I'm walking down the street with you
∮ Sing sha la la la la la la
∮ Sha la la la la la la la
∮ Sha la la Well, I'm in love with a Jersey girl
∮ Sha la la la la la la la
∮ Sha la la la la la
∮ You know she thrills me with all her charms
∮ When I'm wrapped up in my baby's arms
∮ My little girl gives me everything
∮ I know someday that she 'll wear my ring
∮ So don 't bother me, man, I ain't got no time
∮ I'm on my way to see that girl of mine
∮ 'Cause nothing matters in this whole wide world
∮ When you're in love with a Jersey girl
∮ Sha la la la la la la
∮ Sha la la la la la la la la la la la
∮ Sha la la la la la la la
∮ Sha la la Well, I'm in love with a Jersey girl
铃响了,大家坐好
上个礼拜
布置的作业是写一篇关于自己家庭的作文
- 他们是... - 什么人!
他们对我们而言......
意味着什么!
很好,那么就请拿出你们的作文
在全班面前大声朗读出来
我娘说我和我爹特能吃
我爸我妈是虔诚的教徒.
每晚总能听到他们在睡房里, 呼喊, "天哪!"
我妈妈说我爸爸的眼睛是褐色的 因为他浑身上下都是大...
布赖恩!
我哥杰克上八年级了.
他叫我去问爹...
选总统的时候投谁的票.
我问了，我爹说他支持布什.
我哥听了几乎笑死.
每次司徒舅舅来找我爹玩撞球,
我妈说地下室闻上去就好像 在上演奇奇和阿冲的闹剧.
就象那样.
我家的狗把作业给吃了
我阻止来着, 可它就是不听.
很有趣，埃瑟瑞德先生
恐怕你家的狗要吃零蛋了 而你也跑不掉哦.
糟了
特里克小姐，轮到你了
我爸爸说生活可一分为二
新泽西... 和纽约.
他曾是个泽西男孩，而后来
他成为纽约最年轻有为的音乐发行人
27岁时，他手下雇员达100人
他们都喜欢他, 而他，更爱他们.
伙计们宣传干将们.
干杯.
虽说我爸爸是个工作狂， 但还远不及他对我妈妈的疯狂
当他们相识时，我妈在正纽约当编辑.
爸爸说他们俩的工作有些相似...
为他们的客户纠正小错误
我的朋友，乔治麦克就是个拉皮条的. 总是离不开女人
"我要你"? 这是对男人唱的歌吗?
爸爸的工作太忙，有时妈妈要等很晚了才能见到他
爸爸说这是他们深爱那座城市的原因
那是一座不夜城
而对于我的父母来说，更是如此
经过在纽约浪漫的一年时光
爸爸说到了该让妈妈瞧瞧他的故乡的时候啦
于是带着她回到新泽西， 置身于他所向她讲述过的地方
这是爱情所面对的最大一次考验
"带她去见爷爷. "
- 嗨, 您好吗? - 你好?
这是格特鲁德.
嗨.圣诞快乐.
- 特里克先生，您从事哪一行? - "特里克先生"太见外了. 叫我巴特.
30年来，我一直为镇政府工作
他是这里唯一的持证清道车驾驶员
我一直都盼望着有一天能坐上那个呐
如果你不把我儿子甩了, 我就带你坐上它兜风去.
我原本呢，只想和他度几个良宵 然后就一脚蹬了
但现在, 既然有这好处...
真不赖.听听着张利嘴!
哦，现在的姑娘可和妈那时不一样了,对吧，老爸?
- 现在, 我要去酒吧. - 难得啊
如果你们要趁我不在做点什么, 别在我床上哦.
- 您要去酒吧? - 他没告诉你么? 我可是酒鬼呢.
- 好啊, 我也想去酒吧呢. - 不，你不会喜欢那种地方的.
那里到处都是一帮喜欢谈陈年旧事的家伙.
这小子还是个圣人呢.
那我和你爸去，你若愿意也可来
我才不去，好吧，我就留在这儿洗盘子
既然我能做饭，为何不能洗盘子？
请自便，但别洗这一碟
我留了一层酱汁准备烧猪肉卷的，别让你给冲掉了
爸爸，这些"酱汁" 都是脂肪啊
对您有害，它会堵塞血管的
这叫做酱汁. 正是它滋润了你父亲的肠胃
这样在他的儿子不辞辛劳的来探望他的时候
他才能享受儿子一年两次的奉养
于是那晚,爸爸带着妈妈去了爷爷的酒吧
在那儿她遇上爷爷的另一些孩子,
他最好的朋友格林和布洛克.
嘿，你家的小子在跳摇摆呢.
你以为自己是谁啊, 康妮 钟吗?
爸爸说，妈妈搞定了这次泽西之旅,
他们将厮守终生.
他们出去吃了顿匹萨，作为庆祝订婚.
于是后来就有了我.
要不要偷一些充足家用?
如果要偷点什么, 就弄些橡胶手套吧.
- 谢谢! - 别客气!
如此看来，后来每个人都过上幸福的生活
几乎如此.
两分钟后我们就出发，行不？
- 我得走了. - 别催了，行吗?
弄不懂怎么会有人用一整天的时光 坐在那里准备
直到我们出发前20分钟!
你想让每件事都照你的方式完成么!
一年中就这么几天，如果我迟到就会被解雇!
奥利,你想要生孩子的话, 就该和我打个招呼!
我也愿意穿着正常的礼服，而不是这顶帐篷!
衣服看上去够好了，挺华丽的，美极了
哼, 当我站到珍妮杰克逊和雪莉克罗边上时.
你就会发现这有多“好”.
格蒂, 求你了, 用你自己的梳子,好么?
- 你能用你自己的梳子么? - 别这样.
每当我要梳头发
都要用15分钟从梳子上清理这些长长的头发.
我是说, 你要我...
对不起.
宝贝, 对不起.
你都不明白胖成这样是什么滋味!
以前我很苗条的, 而现在成了一头令人恶心的猪!
这还是我初次参加音乐电视颁奖典礼呢
所有姑娘都纤细可人 而我却象头鲸鱼!
宝贝, 宝贝, 随她们纤细可人去吧 她们都是磕药的骚货.
我也要做磕药的骚货!
好吧, 你也能做磕药的骚货.
你也能做磕药的, 磕药的骚货.
- 对不起. - 我该更细心些. 对不起
我该更细心些, 甜心
- 是的. - 我晓得.
- 宝贝,现在我们得走了，好么? - 好的.
- 我爱你. 我们走吧. - 好的.
- 我也爱你. - 好的, 咱们走吧?
再等两分钟.
- 几点了? - 过了20分钟.
- 她会杀了我的! - 我需要引用玛当娜那一段.
"玛当娜相信公众会有自己的判断...
最近在音乐电视中的重大突破
并非像他们所指责的是低俗的色情场面."
- "而是表现艺术." - 关于什么的?
关于女性向世界展示她的... . 她的阴唇的永恒需要
嘿，在新闻稿里能用"阴唇"一词么?
下周见.
总有一天，我要去找一个 能参加心理助产课的老公.
对不起，宝贝. 是因为玛当娜.
这么说你是由于另一个女人而迟到的.真不错啊.
- 别这样.我还要工作呀. - 我也有我的工作呢.
但我还是及时参加心理助产课了.
瞧，我是说
你这个整夜在办公室很少在家里出现的家伙
已经不能再这样下去了.
现在的你该在六点下班
立刻回家并以家庭为中心.
只有这样才行得通.
行吗?
行.
- 好吧. - 好吧.
好吧!
- 好吧. - 好吧.
- 有何贵干? - 有.
我妻子的羊水破了. 她要生小孩了.
- 你先登记一下. - 登记?!
哪里, 门房的台子上?! 你干嘛找麻烦?!
首先, 把你的手从我身上拿开.
其次,病人在哪里呢？
这是我妻子. 这是爱找麻烦的护士
对人很不友善,找我的碴儿
- 真抱歉. 他有点儿惊慌失措. - 要轮椅么?
- 我们送你去分娩室... - 好的.
-...让他把表填好. - 好的.
- 但愿他拿着笔能让人少操点儿心. - 这儿, 甜心.
好的，放松, 吸气. 记得, 别紧张.
我爱你. 马上就过来, 行么? 我爱你
- 我也爱你. - 好的，我爱你.
我们已经演习过1,000 次了. 会顺利的. 能怎样呢?
- 用力! 做得很好. - 你很棒.
- 不行了! 我做不到! - 深呼吸
- 痛死了! - 我知道会痛的.
好了, 宝贝. 用力. 你能做到.
深呼吸. 五, 四...
- 你能行 -...三, 二, 一.
用力. 再用力, 格蒂. 再用力.
我已经瞧见宝宝的脑袋顶. 再需要使把力就好
- 看见她了? - 棒极了! 我瞧见脑袋了!
- 再坚持. 呼吸. - 用力! 宝贝，几乎出来了.
用力! 你做的很好，用力!
用力!
她出来啦!
她出来啦.
- 当爸爸的，要来剪断脐带么? - 是的.
请递给我剪刀.
没错! 她有十个手指头, 十个脚趾头.
我们去给她洗个澡，做些检查...
格蒂?
- 宝贝, 瞧. - 格蒂?
格蒂!
格蒂, 听得见么?
- 她还好么. 甜心? - 护士, 快叫莫蒂默医生来!
她休息呢. 谁是莫蒂默医生?
莫蒂默医生!
- 怎么了? - 她没有反应了.
- 格蒂! - 格蒂! 格蒂!
格蒂, 是我! 格蒂?
健康的婴儿.
- 呼吸停止. - 转过来!
- 我妻子怎么了?
宝贝, 你还好么? 甜心, 甜心, 醒醒!
谁来把特里克先生带出去.
我要插管了.
格蒂, 醒醒, 我的挚爱. 醒醒.
格蒂, 求你 醒醒.
放开我! 格蒂!
我要和我妻子在一起! 格蒂! 格蒂!
出什么事了?!
- 奥利... - 如果不马上让我进去...
- 我向上帝发誓! - 奥利... 奥利, 冷静.
去你的, 冷静! 行不?!
我被拉出来, 我还没看见我的宝宝呢!
你的宝宝很好，健康，正常
- 格蒂怎么了? - 我要你先冷静下来...
瞧, 我很冷静! 行么?!
我很冷静.
我们认为格蒂有一个动脉瘤
她没事吧?
奥利，她已经走了.
过度的用力导致动脉瘤破裂.
动脉瘤几乎没有症状...
我为你画了张素描
你和你的烙印
看那熟悉的面容
满怀歉疚
你画过的那只鸟儿
曾经的气宇轩昂
却深陷恐惧
鸟笼也无法驯服
这就是令人心碎的故事
当你长大
这就是令人心碎的故事
老爸，你肯定你能行?
什么啊? 她可是我的孙女.
任何时候都欢迎,不是么?
是啊.
直到你亭亭玉立,被男孩子和追求者包围.
那时我就不晓得了.
我不想强迫你.
但有太多工作...堆积如山...
- 今晚我回来得会很晚, 成吗? - 你去干你的吧.
你的爸爸太思念你的妈咪了, 小丫头. 我也好想她.
尤其现在.
哦，上帝!
请进
- 奥利，你找我? - 对，进来.
我以为你这周不过来了. 还好吧?
- 你还好? - 我很好.
看这则宣传. 出了问题为何不告诉我?
- 我还是从新泽西了解到的 - 很酷吧. 那护士是个狂热的追星族.
等《探究者》杂志的人拿着大把的钞票 在她面前晃的时候，他还会那么狂热吗?
听着, 当我不在的时候, 出了类似问题的话,
要么你找到我，要么就走人
好吧.
还有什么其它的?
威尔 史密斯.
- 谁? - 新鲜王子?
"杰兹杰弗和 新鲜王子" 新鲜王子?
- 是的. - 他怎么了?
还记得第一张专辑 "女孩不...
- 摇滚之家. 对么? - 没错
还记得那张专辑的封面有 杰兹杰弗举着一个房子的模型?
有点儿印象.
威尔 史密斯捐赠这所房子作为摇滚乐咖啡馆.
好，就用这条来代替. 你把文字部分准备好了?
- 是的，日期待定. - 有人感兴趣么?
- 简直挤破门槛 - 你在开玩笑吧?
不是玩笑. 甚至《美国新闻》和《世界报道》.
为何? 这张专辑是八年前的.
没关系. 人人都爱电视剧<新鲜王子>.
几周前他的电影公映了, 《独立日》
- 用电影来带动这个. - 不行，做不到.
威尔要求把他的电影和音乐分开处置.
如同在《贝莱尔的新鲜王子》, 他要进军电影业时一样.
把你能找到的都拿给我.捏到一起我凑篇报道出来 我们就搞定了.
好的.
- 帕蒂, 给我接柯尔什. - 好的, 奥利.
我可以处理新鲜王子的材料 如果你需要几天的时间来...
亚瑟, 我可以做我的工作. 我没问题, 明白么? 你去干你的. 走吧.
帕蒂, 你听我说了吗? 请让柯尔什接电话好么.
- 奥利? - 我在找.
什么,伙计?
虽然在葬礼上已经说过, 但我还是感到相当的遗憾...
我很好. 亚瑟? 我很好!
请你现在就按我说的去做.
- 柯尔什在一号线. - 好，快接过来!
- 孩子怎么样? - 孩子很好, 亚瑟!
别提孩子了! 我只是需要工作!
上帝啊, 奥利! 你激动什么啊?
- 帕蒂, 那是...
别担心，我立刻就能做好.
你只要早些到，安排一下菜单，行吗?
嘿! 你耳聋了么? 小家伙在哭呢.
你不能处理一下么? 我现在做的事情很重要. 行吗? 多谢了.
什么该死的事情能比自己的孩子还重要?
早上我有一个宣传品捐赠典礼
对公司来说如同皇家婚礼般隆重
因为这些客户是自猫王以来最受美国人民欢迎的.....
小家伙已经叫了10分钟了.
如果这让你那么心烦, 就过去拿奶瓶喂她. 不行么?
抱歉. 在这所房子里工作简直如噩梦般.
天哪! 等会打给你?
- 什么, 爸爸? - 听着, 孩子.
我也失去了妻子，你不记得么? 所以我能体会你的感觉. 但是快恢复吧
您们结婚了多少年, 20年? 我只有20分钟
所以您根本体会不到我的感觉, 不是么?
我很遗憾, 奥利弗,但这并不能改变天杀的事实， 那就是你已经是父亲了
自从孩子从医院抱回来，你就该做得像个父亲!
这一个月来我做这本该你来做的事情实在太难受了!
天哪, 如果格蒂能看到你现在变成这个鬼样...
格蒂已经什么都看不到了, 爸. 她死了.
是啊，她死了
但你还活着. 还有这个孩子.
没事儿.
呃...
好的, 我来准备介绍. 基本上已经做好了.
你来负责菜单. 什么时候到?
爸,宝宝醒了!
爸! 宝宝饿了!
爸!
见鬼怎么回事...?!
你疯了? 想被碾死?!
- 你在做什么? - 见鬼. 你看我在干嘛?
你出门的时候该告诉我一声!
那样我就可以让你带着孩子 而不是开着车到处找你!
- 现在我要碰上塞车了! - 不行，孩子不能给我.
嘿! 我不明白?
今天早上我要四处巡视一番.
- 今天你自己带孩子吧. - 什么?! 别!
今天早上我有个记者招待会呢, 爸爸! 你很清楚!
- 我也有工作要做. - 如果我不马上出发...
- 那就去! - 孩子怎么办?!
- 带着她! - 天啊! 我...
我知道对这孩子来说我没帮上多大忙...
听听, "对这孩子来说没帮上多大忙."
看在上帝的份上!她是你的女儿
- 我能为她做些什么?! - 猪头，做的像一个父亲!
天杀的!
伙计们, 抱歉.
- 对不起. 斯蒂文. - 什么啊...?!
- 我订了尿布. 送来了么? - 你是说婴儿尿布?
半小时前你们干吗不开始呢? 不该等我的!
- 我们在等威尔. - 威尔没到?!
- 是的. - 有叫特里克的么?
- 我就是，他在哪里? - 我们不清楚
见鬼! 闻上去这小孩好像拉了. 你知道吧?
伙计，还好你终于出现了.
- 外面那帮人已经不耐烦了. - 哦，圣母啊!
- 什么? 上帝.. - 奥利!
奥利, 从滚石来的人... 见鬼! 什么味道?
苏珊! 这是脏的尿布. 滚石的人说什么?
如果5分钟内不开始的话, 他们要走了
去参加布鲁斯旅行者乐队的签名会.
- 上帝啊! - 嘿，你做错了.
- 什么? - 你做错了.
应该从前面擦到后面， 而你却从后面擦到前面了.
你这样会, 会把脏的弄进她的...
..开口.
走开!一边去!
记得我的话, 你会让她的屁股感染的.
- 你们能否来... 你来干这个. - 哦，我不行.
你能不能来干这个，我好出去让他们安静?
为何,因为我是女孩? 我从未见过一个光溜溜的婴儿. 不干!
好吧. 万分感激你. 我会记得的.
- 我该用多少呢? - 我应该请他们回来么?
如果想要掩盖气味的话, 我建议你多用些.
哦! 你要拧...拧开. 从顶部拧开!
对准孩子.
谢谢! 请离开这里,告诉他们马上就开始!
我觉得还少.
太多了.
新鲜王子马上就要到了.
你衬衫上是什么啊?
想什么呢，你? 这是娱乐事业，对吗?
- 那是一个玩笑. - 新鲜王子在哪里?
- 新鲜王子正在途中.
- 她哭了. 你能抱一下么? - 别! 不要.
- 那是杰兹杰弗?
一派胡言! 新鲜王子在哪里?
谁去让那个女孩闭嘴?
伙计，咱们可受够了! 让新鲜王子出来!
新鲜王子! 新鲜王子!
请抱着她.
我, 呃...
天啊!上帝! 把她给我! 给我孩子.
你们这帮人能闭上“新鲜王子”的鸟嘴么?!
他是个一文不值的电视演员罢了...
转瞬即会被人遗忘
你们在一堆废纸中胡拍滥吹!
遭了.
- 这小子完了. - 那是什么鬼腔调啊.
我在约旦河上下求索
- 我看到了什么?
没事的, 亚瑟.
请来带我回家
一群天使们
随我而来
请来带我回家
慢慢摇动, 美丽的车舆
来带我回家
慢慢摇动, 美丽的车舆
来带我回家
我们不会呆太久.
只要我找到另一份工作，就马上搬出去.
很快其他公司就会来找我.
等到这件事被淡忘后...
想呆多久就呆多久, 直到你重新站起来.
- 太感激了. - 有一个条件.
- 每天晚上，你要哄孩子睡觉.
- 就这样? - 还有.
不要招妓. 别把妓女带到我家来.
老爸，我又不是拉皮条的.
这个, 去喂她.
好玩. 到了八点钟，你们两个都需要来一瓶.
闭上嘴上楼去做父亲该做的, 行么?
不要?
只是暂时的, 我们... 你瞧...
和你的爷爷在一起.
那么...
新鲜王子是怎么档子事啊?
真是个大洋相.
你爸爸是个大蠢蛋.
爸爸的老板说，给希特勒做新闻稿的人
也比你爸爸强啊.
这样, 好吧...
你好吗?
啊... 你瞧, 你长得有几分像你妈咪呢.
黏糊糊的，秃头版的妈咪
天啊...
我好希望你能看见你的妈妈啊.
我想她也好想见你的... 非常，非常.
有时候, 爸爸好希望能替妈咪去死.
因为妈咪不会让...
事情发展到这个地步... 你也瞧见,
向最近一个月来爸爸的作为.
只不过是爸爸... 实在不希望妈咪...
就这样离开
对爸爸来说太难了,他试图用工作填满日子,
这样才能忘记妈妈不在的事实.
我只是爱你妈妈太深.
你知道么?
她已将我的世界一把火点燃.
当那发生时...
时间好像停止了
你毫无心理准备...
我如此思念着她. 至深,至深.
你就是你妈妈的小化身. 所以对爸爸来说你尤为重要.
不要离开我.
'你是你妈妈以后最美的事物, 我爱你至深
我将在这里守候你.
我为以前所作的深感抱歉.
向你发誓... 从此我将做的更好.
我将是全世界最好的父亲.
'只因这是你妈妈所期望的. 也是你应得的.
这就是现在我所要做的.
我是你的父亲，仅此而已.
爸爸有时会信口开河
你妈也不是歌迷
你想看看妈妈的照片么? 我有一张.
这是你的妈妈. 她可真是个美人.
好吧. 你可以留着.
爸爸还有一堆呢.
就这样.
晚安, 格蒂.
世界...
升起又落下
格蒂!
在她眼中
公主，你的座驾到了.
咱们走!
我们出发!
飞向空中
- 学校如何, 还行? - 恩.
- 今天过的好么? - 好.
记得把安全带系好? 知道在哪里么?
知道.
扣好坐稳. 准备好.
- 好了? - 走吧!
- 我们去看《猫》吧? - 绝对不可能.
为何?
《猫》是纽约发生过的第二大糟糕事儿.
- 再说，三年前《猫》就落幕了. - 我们从来没做过什么够酷的事儿呢.
你正坐在蝙蝠车里, 不是么? 还不够酷吗?
哦，上帝.
瞧, 当我开着这辆清扫车时， 没有人比我更沮丧了
想想我生命中那些辉煌时刻.
我曾经生活在纽约.
一天里面可以去看三场《猫》.
- 我可没有要求过你这么做哦 -呵-呵-呵!
"奥斯卡授予 格蒂 特里克,
为她在《苛责老爹》中的出色表演"
你怎么会突然想起《猫》的?
和大家一样，我想在一个大型演出中唱猫的歌.
- 大型演出? - 学校要举行一场大型演出.
所有人都要和家人一起唱首歌.
- 那你要邀请我参加大型演出么? - 是的, 你，还有爷爷.
呵呵! 我猜你爷爷会很高兴的.
那格林叔叔和 布洛克叔叔也能参加么?
他们可不是你的叔叔. 他们和你不属同一个阶级.
街鸡?
- 演出是什么时候? - 就在感恩节前夕.
和圣经有关?
我想不是. 圣经里有猫?
在撒旦的圣经里有.
- 什么? - 你什么时候带她去看猫?
上帝, 你也?
格蒂!
老爸，你知道猫是什么吗?
- 什么, 难道我不看报么? - 你不看那些报纸
你看《纽约时报》干什么?
《记录报》卖完了
《纽约时报》里面可以没有你要看的东西
真糟.
- 刚才你在哪儿? - 卫生间.
- 怎么没听到抽水声音? - 哦，我忘了.
赶快回去把厕所冲干净.
当我不同意做某些事情,
比如说, 《猫》, 意思就是不行
明白?
- 爷爷，你该更圆滑些! - 你怎么教她说这些?
明天你得替我收拾公园.我做不了.
- 为啥做不了? - 1 1 点我在城里有个约会.
上帝啊, 孩子,你怎么还没放弃呢?
你还要参加多少次面试，
才能彻底想明白
那一行再也不需要你了?
看在上帝的份上, 你捉弄了查尔斯王子
谢谢.
首先, 我没有 "捉弄" 任何人.
我对新鲜王子,威尔 史密斯做了些评论而已.
早晚他们都会忘掉那些
我就可以回去干我擅长做的了
而不是在这儿扫大街，铲雪，清理垃圾
如何?
不管怎么说，如果你要进城的话, 就带小丫头去看《猫》.
哦, 上帝...
我来告诉你吧, 已经不再上演《猫》了,
格蒂, 干嘛不过来挑一出别的想看的剧?
瞧这儿. 任何你想看的
- 猫是一出剧? - 是啊, 你不是看过报纸吗.
你以为自己很聪明,是吗?
下次你要找同案犯的话,
你该找个比你爷爷更高明些的.
- 他老糊涂了. - 我听到了!
这个. 我们能看这一出么?
《恶魔理发师》? 你认为这里面有很多歌儿听?
- 它是一部音乐剧啊. - 好.我只是问问.
这次你爸爸可要在工作上失约了,
为了去看穿着溜冰鞋的人演出的音乐剧.
- 酷! - 我可不这么想.
以前我做的基本是唱片发行方面
但最初, 我学过影片发行，所以这方面也可以胜任.
我，恩，最近六七年不做了. 在新泽西抚养我的女儿.
但我没有落伍, 所以... 重拾旧业毫无问题.
你们还想知道什么? 呃...
就这样，你们看，我立刻就能开始.
- 你们没问题吧?
你是奥利 特里克? 曾经在 曼德尔/柯尔什公司就职的那位?
是.
- 太棒了! - 就像我告诉你的, 雷诺兹! 付钱吧!
- 我给你. - 我不懂?
哈, 我们刚才打赌你是不是奥利 特里克,
贬低"新鲜王子"的人.
- 他们这么讲? - 当然!
你开玩笑吧? 伙计，你已经是传奇人物了!
你做了所有广告人梦想的事情!
- 那是啥? - 你做的太绝了!
把你的客户丢回了石器时代.
- 没错. - 伙计，向你表示敬意.
- 在这里你就象神一样. - 是的, 完全正确.
- 神到可以获得职位? - 不.
- 什么, 你疯了? - 没机会的, 特里克!
- 爸, 我回来了! - 好像我说中了.
多谢了!
- 就是这样的? - 我猜.
- 你的是啥样? - 和你的不一样.
是吗? 让我瞧瞧.
好吧.
格蒂! 布赖恩该回家了.
好吧...
- 你有什么目的? - 啊?
你对我的女儿有什么企图?
- 你打算娶她? - 我不知道.
只有结了婚的男孩和女孩...
才互相给看他们的, 呃...
他们的, 呃...
..私处
明白?
布赖恩, 你可以走了. 如果你还要来, 就带枚戒指.
好的, 特里克先生.
- 再见, 格蒂. - 再见.
再见, 布赖恩.
那么.
你有什么, 呃...
问题，关于你的...
你的...
无论什么, 明白?
你也有布赖恩的那个?
是的, 我也有...
你的也和他一样大么?
很不幸,是的.
- 我们去租个电影看吧? - 好的.
- 那么说他们不给你个职位? - 是的. 不过很显然，爸爸是传奇人物了.
你不需要职位. 你已经有一个了.
没错, 爸爸曾经有一个
忙到晚上连洗澡的时间都不能保证
- 你知道什么工作适合你么? - 什么?
你应该当舞蹈老师, 就像《辣身舞》里的强尼.
是吗? 我该说, "不许把婴儿放在角落里"?
哦,我们可以再租一次《辣身舞》吗?
噢...《辣身舞》的纪录要赶上《猫》了.
能否挑点儿别的?
这个?
别想.去儿童区找找看.
- 那都是很没劲的. - 注意你的语言.
那是...
打赌这个是. 对, 对, 就是它.
不管孩子挑什么，我就要这个了.
直接过去放在包里，全搞定.
很好.
"一凤双龙 好奇的乔迪主演"?
兴趣独特. 你老婆知道吗?
我... 我拿...
- 不巧我拿错了. - 好吧.
你介意, 呃... 帮我去换一盘...
任何你觉得可以的...
- 那么你是要... -...不是一对二的那种
请出示会员卡，好么?
好，当然.
我可以问一下关于你的租带的历史纪录?
呃... 当然.
真的? ...
你经常带着女儿一起来借成人片, 还是初次?
什么?
当你借A片时, 总是和家人一起么,
或者说, 特别的嗜好?
- 我非回答不可么? - 我是一名临毕业的学生,正在写一篇论文.
"掌中小鸟: 有家室的人与色情影像".
我可不想参与.
真的么?
弗兰克, 一凤双龙是一天还是两天还的?
- 爸爸，你找好了么? - 哈, 让我们看看爸爸借了什么...
别看了, 行么?
别在我女儿面前问那种问题，行吗?
你把它放回去如何?
那... 好
为了获得诚实的回答, 请把妻子和孩子留在家中.
我妈妈死了. 在生我的时候.
噢，上帝.
先生, 对不起. 我不是...
不,你没有.
咱们走.
对不起.
- 我去开.
别去. 这么晚，你都该上床睡觉了.
看你的碟吧.
嗨.
嗨! 你是影碟店的女士.
别太放松了, 回去看你的碟吧.
什么?
我想来这儿
对刚才发生的事情向你道歉.
我感到自己所说的对你女儿 对各方面都是糟透了.
你是该.
你知道么，回来路上那孩子一直在哭?
- 噢, 不会... - 我才没有.
- 进屋去看你的影碟! - 好! 太好了.
让我来向你解释一下我的论文吧.
这就是你来的目的?
我只是觉得你实在是个有趣的案例.
因为要抚养孩子，这可怜的 鳏夫没有时间去约会,
只好租A片. 非常生动的材料.
上帝啊! 女士，你真是够骇人的
另外, 我确实想与你和解.
为我所说的,为此前让你尴尬而道歉.
今晚可真够你忙的，收获颇丰啊
你叫奥利, 对吗? 我是米娅 哈丁.
"嗨, 米娅. 高兴认识你."
嗨.
本周内让我带你出去一次吧?
你不看A片的时候，也要进午餐, 对不?
我很感激, 可是... 不必了.
奥利, 答应吧, 你会让我遭报应的.
什么, 请我吃顿午餐就不会有恶报了?
是啊!
周一如何? 行吗?
我可没有想其他的，只是吃顿饭
- 中午前后? - 不要!
那就中午吧!
噢...
到时见!
不可思议的奇女子.
我没有听到抽水声.
谢谢.
- 买点儿爆米花吧? - 甜心，这不是电影.
这里不卖爆米花. 这是百老汇. 是正式场合.
如果你美丽动人
那又如何?
如稻穗般金黄的发丝
我的小鸽子，此后再无相见之日
我可爱的乔安娜
永别, 乔安娜
虽然离开，但你仍属于我
我很好, 乔安娜
我很好
你看那一层楼 从右边数第三个窗户.
看见了吗? 那是我们搬到爷爷家前住过的地方
如果我们还在这个城市的话 也还会住在那儿.
- 如果妈咪还活着? - 是的.
- 爸爸... - 怎么?
你想念妈咪么?
每天都想.
- 她什么样子? - 我给你讲过无数次了.
- 我知道，但是忘了. - 我不认为你忘了.
你只是想再听一遍. 这没关系，很好.
你想听多少次都可以.
只要告诉我.
像你一样，她热情洋溢.
像你一样，她美丽动人.
而且她... 聪明...
而且坚强，你长大了也会和她一样
我现在就很聪明
我知道，我并不是指责你不聪明
“指责”是什么意思?
哦，不聪明了吧?
- 那是个大词 - 嗯，没错
“指责”是指批评
那，爷爷总是指责你，对吗?
嗯，他自己觉得是
他不停说话，只是在证明自己还活着
爷爷已经很老很老了
你喜欢这个城市吗?
还可以，但我更喜欢高地
- 是吗? - 是的
我在那儿上学，朋友也在那里，在那里能租到影碟
如果我没记错的话，这里也有影碟出租
是的，但那里碟屋的女店员很漂亮
- 你觉得她漂亮吗? - 你不觉得吗?
所以你才和他约会，不是吗?
那不算约会，和我约会过的女孩子只有你
是约会，我们正在约会
- 我们? - 嗯哼
- 我怎么没感觉到是约会啊 - 没感觉到?
好吧，我来搞定
先生!
第一个问题，你租成人电影的频率是多少?
- 非答不可? - 这又没什么丢人的
对成人电影感兴趣 也不是下流的事情，只要不上瘾
- 说吧 - 每周三到四次
哦，也许我说错了，你应该觉得丢人
你有一种在安全的情况下让谈话对象
感觉坦诚和舒适的本领
那么你借这些片子是为了手淫，是吗?
- 天哪! - 说吧，别羞羞答答的了
我们都是成年人
我知道我是成年人，你多大了?
- 三月份就26了 - 26?
难道你还没学会有些事情公开谈论是不礼貌的吗?
如果说了让你高兴的话， 好吧，我自己大约一天两次
- 老天! - 怎么说呢， 我很容易觉得无聊
你会得腕管综合症的
别对我说三道四的，你也不是省油的灯
- 呃，不，我... - 我的性爱好非常健康
你为什么不去找个男朋友??
你为什么不去找个女朋友??
我整天要工作，晚上还要陪孩子
那么说你宁愿陪孩子也不愿意跟女人睡觉?
- 是的 - 呃... 真不错
我现在有点喜欢你了, 特里克.
我现在可以回家了吗?
不行，你上次做爱是什么时候?
还是不说的好
拜托，别卖关子了
我写论文不会用你的真名的
哈! 用不用真名倒没什么 只是觉得尴尬
- 为什么会尴尬? - 因为时间很长了
- 多长? - 很长很长
哦，拜托，说吧
我发誓我写的时候不会揶揄你的
起码不当你的面
- 7年 - 7年?
我妻子死了之后
你这付目瞪口呆的样子
也可以认为是在取笑我
- 对不起 - 没问题
不，有问题，有大问题
我没有冒犯你妻子的意思, 你应该重新过性生活
- 不，时间上不是的 - 不，应该的
- 不应该 - 应该，你... 起来吧
- 说完了吗? - 这个话题暂时说完了，但请你跟我来
饶了我吧
- 去哪里? - 你家
我们去做爱
- 怎么，你丢东西了? - 不，我很感谢你的提议
我很荣幸，但不能这么做
怎么了?你觉得我不好看?
- 你当然很漂亮 - 那为什么?
听着，我并不是因为女儿才独身的
还有很多感情因素
我意思是，我妻子虽然死了 但我仍然很爱她
我很尊重你，我不是让你爱上我
不是想替代你妻子
我说的是两个成年人你情我愿在一起做爱
你疏于练习，也许不会太满意
- 不行，抱歉 - 你是和尚吗?
上帝，我们来梳理清楚，好吗?
- 你租A片手淫，对吗? - 你能小点声吗?
如果你不担心你妻子对A片的看法
你也不应该害怕我的建议，因为根本就是一回事
区别是别人帮你，而且你还省了两美元的租金
拜托，男人可不能靠A片活着
哦，上帝...
我回来了!
爸爸?!
- 天哪，怎么办? - 躲到浴室去!
- 爸爸? - 不，宝贝，是我
爷爷? 你怎么没上班?
因为我得回家做... 做...
回家洗澡
- 我们可以去租碟吗? - 当然,当然
等我洗好了,把身子擦干就下去
好的
老天,好险啊
现在怎么办?我都湿了
抱歉,爸爸,我又忘了
嘘!
嗨,宝贝
认识米娅吧,碟屋的那个
- 你有什么目的? - 什么?
你和我爸爸在一起有什么企图?
比如说,是不是想和他结婚?
呃... 没有...
只有结过婚的女孩才能把私处给男孩看
- 是不是,爸爸? - 呃... 是的
我们可以免费租我们想看的片子吗?
什么?
我们可以免费租我们想看的片子吗?
可以,天哪,当然可以
如果不行的话，我们就不会有麻烦了
... 对不对, 米娅?
呃...可以，随便你，免费
《辣身舞》都可以吗?
是啊
我们也可以在学校演《恶魔理发师》?
什么?
我们也可以在学校演《恶魔理发师》吗?
- 不行，宝贝，那个不适合孩子 - 真的吗?
哦，你们的事情，我怎么和爷爷说呢?
好吧，可以在学校演《恶魔理发师》
太好了!
你就不能闭嘴吗? 老天, 格里, 你总是...
- 老天 - 哦!
天哪，你是只披了浴巾吗?
只要不在我床上做就可以
老天，那是高中的事情了! 你还耿耿于怀?
我在我老爸的床上做过一回，很美妙
很好，但是我们还没“做”
- 什么？你还没进港? - 没有!
虽然和你们无关，但我告诉你，我们还没做
一时昏了头，但很快就冷静下来了
在做后悔事情之前就停了
- 被孩子撞破了 - 哦
说点别的吧，比如这下水道
- 有多糟糕? - 需要更换
天哪，如果要因此关闭海湾街
整个镇子都要闹翻天了
肯定的
没有必要给纳税人造成麻烦
他们会大发雷霆的 还记得88年吗?
南山街
他们差点要把我们倒钉在十字架上
- 像圣彼得一样 - 你是圣父吗?
所有人都知道我说的是圣彼得 要你来画蛇添足
我只是说...
我在下面的时候，有多少车经过?
三，四辆吧
整整半个小时就三四辆?
嗯，现在是高峰时间
我不认为新泽西高地上下班的洪流
会对我们关闭海湾街的一小段几天会有什么意见
每次一位, 每次一位!
- 我们已经在尽力 - 真的吗?
怎么没人上去解释一下?
你为什么不去, 爸爸? 你以前不就是干这个的吗?
给歌星说好话，替他们造势?
- 是的，宝贝，不过... - 这孩子说得有点道理
你以前就是靠嘴吃饭的
我提名你上去
- 哦，是吗? - 是的
- 不会有事的 - 去吧
谢谢，爷爷
管好自己!
他上去了
大家伙儿，请听我一言
我叫奥利弗 特里克 我是替政府做事的
我想因此大家不是太喜欢我吧
我向你们保证，呃...
海湾街的工程不会给你们带来很大麻烦
最多只要三天
狗屁! 狗屁!
请大家文明点!
再听我一言
我还有一句话
我住在这里，我看见大家每天上下班
哦，太棒了!
我走上去，说了一番蛊惑人心的话
- 我把他们都震住了! - 你这个能说会道的家伙
我每句话都说到了点子上
也许是因为你把你那些鬼话都当真话说了
"上街玩泥巴"? 我是说... 是我编出来的!
很有意思，嘿, 格蒂
遗憾的是，我做掏水管这工作
比我过去7年做其他事情都有成就感
我明白，你安下心来做一件事情，你成功了
现在自我感觉特别好，有道理
我是曼德尔/柯什历来掌管整个地区最年轻的...
宣传发行人
- 我知道 - 那也是一种成绩
说服市民批准一件对他们有利的事情?
- 迟到的常识而已 - 是啊，这就是你现在的生活
做一个最年轻的宣传发行人...
这不像是你，你从来就不是这样的
我以前就是这样的，有自己的公寓
比现在更有钱，更自信
不管你喜欢不喜欢，这就是你
我意思是，忘了过去，接受现实吧
- 我要这个 - 格蒂, 你做什么啊?
我记得很清楚，你爸爸说你可以借《辣身舞》.
- 哦，是的! - 嗯
真是多谢了
随便说一句，她问我什么时候才能拥有像你一样的胸部
- 天哪! - 她7岁了
如果你不反对，我可以给她讲 我小时候妈妈跟我说的那些“胸部”的事情
包括“奶子”这说法吗？
我很高兴发生了上周那事以后
你我之间没有觉得尴尬...
奥利, 我是打算布施你一次
过去了，没什么大不了的
- 只是朋友，对吗? - 是的，朋友
"布施"，你离我孩子远点
- 不对，太圆了 - 闭嘴
- 闭嘴! 闭嘴! - 只要...
- 你他妈的不能闭嘴吗?! - 好吧!
这里面有割喉咙的戏啊
是
你爸爸同意你演这个?
是
他怎么会同意的?
因为我看见他和米娅光屁股
哦，是啊
呵呵! 难怪
能帮我接亚瑟 布里克曼吗?
- 奥利. - 亚瑟.
- 嗨 - 你好吗？
- 很好，你呢? - 也很好，见到你很高兴
市民全体同意更换下水管道的事情...
你一直很会说服人
除了那次...
这次和新鲜王子那件事情完全不同
我感觉有恢复了状态，所以来找你
- 帮我个忙好吗？ - 说把，什么?
能不能安排你的公司给我面试?
你说真的?
你说在这里吃饭，我还觉得奇怪呢
- 我知道很难... - 难?
奥利, 你把一屋子的记者称作混蛋,
还说最红的影星是垃圾
- 那时候他还没这么红 - 是的，但他现在很红
你知道有多严重吗? 我离开曼德尔/柯什后,
有些公司根本都不愿意看我的简历，因为我...
别介意，因为我在你手下干活
我在这家公司才干了一年...
算了，就当我没说，真的
- 我很蠢，我失去了控制... - 不，让我说完
我要说的是...
我等了这么多年，就是为了有机会能帮你 现在机会来了
虽然不容易...
但我可以安排你和安切洛蒂见面
- 太感谢了 - 当然
你比我记忆中更友善
我很怀念过去
那是我唯一擅长的事情
太好了，我可以搬回来...
帮格蒂找一间私立学校..
还可以帮她雇个保姆
就像新鲜王子这件事情从没有发生过
我回去做老板的工作，如果OK的话，晚上给你电话
太好了
来啊，爷爷!你唱爸爸的部分
- 我? - 嗯
上啊
喂? 嘿, 亚瑟.
你开玩笑?
我为什么要唱你爸的部分? 我应该唱那个死掉的家伙
- 是的，但你是爸爸的板凳演员 - 什么意思?
我是说，如果爸爸摔断了腿，你就要顶替他
来啊，试试看， 你唱得很好
等等，我现在正顶替你呢
这样可不行
- 这样可演不好 - 你很不错
你可以在包厢里面看汤米 透.
以后我会自己唱了
- 汤米 透是谁? - 汤米 透是个男人
你可以百老汇看他的现场
等我们搬回纽约!
- 什么? - 什么?
什么?
我刚和以前曼德尔/柯什的同事通过话
我问他是否能帮我安排他的公司给我面试
又面试, 奥利? 你什么时候才会放弃?
他刚才给我打电话
他把我推荐给他老板，把我吹得天花乱坠
就这么音乐部有了个空缺
做了6年的贱民之后
我要回来了!
不再扫马路
不再拣垃圾，不再掏管道!
新闻发布会，晚会!
西区的公寓
给格蒂找个好学校!
我现在的学校就很好
但我们要去纽约比这儿好得多的学校
你可以坐地铁上学
但地铁里都是吸毒的和小偷
- 没错 - 别听你爷爷的
我怎么跟你说的，他爱编故事!
- 你会发现地铁很棒 - 我不要
我不要上城里的学校，我要上这里的
宝贝，那我每天往返新泽西
和纽约送你上学太远了
那我们就不去纽约，就在这里和爷爷住
宝贝，爸爸已经很大了，不能再和爷爷住了
我应该有自己的房子
你看看爷爷，他爱发脾气
他不想我们住在这里妨碍他...
- 是吗，爷爷? - 胡说八道
谢谢
我不想去纽约，就要在这里
你想住多久就住多久
宝贝，还记得我带你去看《恶魔理发师》吗?
多有趣啊?我们玩得很开心，不是吗?
如果我搬到纽约，我们每天都可以去看!
当然，除了你工作的时候
你能不能不说话?
我在和我女儿说话呢
你喜欢纽约，你不是说过吗
- 不，没有 - 哦！
- 我说过还行 - 天哪!
我说过我更喜欢高地 你为什么不找份其他工作？
你可以去开蝙蝠车!
宝贝, 爸爸不想开蝙蝠车!
爸爸想吃寿司!想打的!
爸爸想要有个门童!
爸爸想对杂志记者颐指气使!
爸爸喜欢原来的工作，每天都在怀念过去
爸爸想要那工作， 爸爸不想永远拣垃圾!
但上次开会的时候， 你对大家说你的工作很好
因为不必穿西服
是的，爸爸那么说是为了让他们同意我们的工程
那你是在说谎?
好吧，我去面试
如果我不喜欢那人说的，我就不接受那工作
你撒谎!
好吧，我星期一去面试
不管你喜欢不喜欢
等等，这个星期一?
- 是 - 奥利, 这个星期一不行
- 为什么? - 那天是演出的日子!
哦，该死，真的?
面试是4点，我来得及赶回来
演出是5点
如果面试时间是4点
坐飞机你也赶不回来
别再添乱了，我忘记演出的事了
你怎么能忘记? 你很蠢吗?
格蒂,这个工作对爸爸很重要
那我的演出呢?对你不重要?
宝贝，对我来说比对你更重要
那你就不要去面试，不要做那份愚蠢的工作!
- 够了，小家伙! - 我根本不想你去参加我的演出!
你演出的《恶魔理发师》一点都不好
爷爷比你好多了，格里叔叔 和布洛克叔叔也比你好
他们不是你叔叔
但我们还知道替她做布景
抱歉，我不是那意思，你去哪里?
我不想见到你! 我不想你去看我的演出
- 哦! - 我再也不喜欢你了!
回来，我在和你说话呢!
嘿，回来!
你没资格告诉我做什么!我没必要听你的！
- 不对! - 为什么?
因为我是你爸爸!
- 那又怎么样? - 别对我大喊大叫, 格特鲁德!
我想喊就喊!
我不会搬到愚蠢的纽约!
够了，不管你喜欢不喜欢我们都要搬， 到此为止
我恨你! 我希望是你而不是妈妈死了!
我一直都恨你!
你和你妈妈夺走了我的生活，我要夺回来!
哦，对不起，宝贝，我不是故意的...
- 走开! - 对不起...
走开!
你这是怎么了?
- 嗨 - 嗨
你那晚怎么了?不辞而别
我不想打扰你们
我需要你的支持
她还是个孩子, 奥利. 孩子不太适应变化
我是说，再过几年你赶她出曼哈顿她都不会走
但现在，她只想要她熟悉的
我也是
是啊，但是否还和你了解的一样呢?
老天，你也是?
你想过以前的生活，要挣大钱的工作 想搬出你爸爸家...
你这么想也不无道理
还有呢?
你想要回你的生活，不是他们的
这是他们的生活，你对那些爱你的人说
你所拥有的还不够好
这让每个人都难过
- 每个人? - 哦... 我吗?
我们俩的关系还没那么深
只是朋友，对吗?
你有没有想过，... 也许有一天...
我们会更进一步?
在你把我藏到浴室前，有那么两秒钟
听着, 奥利, 我喜欢你，但...
我可以不想伤害自己，因为你要离开了
我知道
即使我到城里工作
我还会回来看我爸爸和你的
为什么？你认为我会在这里待很久?
- 米娅... - 奥利...
我要回去工作了
如果，如果你不去参加演出
那你在纽约安顿好了以后给我打个电话吧
拜托...
该死
嗨, 爸爸.
宝贝，我不是故意吵醒你
没关系
听着，那天我对你嚷嚷了，对不起
我错了，我说的那些话都不是真心的
我知道，我也不是
- 爸爸? - 嗯?
妈妈喜欢住在纽约吗?
是的，她喜欢
那我猜我也会喜欢的
谢谢，宝贝
谢谢
如果交通还好的话，我还是可以赶得上看你的演出的
你不去我也不会生气的，我理解
好的，宝贝，继续睡觉吧，我爱你
晚安, 爸爸.
晚安
乔治克鲁尼办公室找托尼，一号线
安切洛蒂公司，请稍候
- 需要帮忙吗? - 是的
我是奥利弗 特里克我来见亚瑟 布里克曼 和安切洛蒂先生
好的
特里克先生来了
好的
- 他们10分钟后见您 - 好的
- 您坐那儿等一下吧 - 好，好的...
你好
哦，老天，嗨!
我来见布拉德
他正等您呢，先生
他很抱歉，交通不好，他还有几个街区就到了
您在那儿坐一会儿，我告诉他您来了
多谢
他们总是让你等，不是吗?
- 对不起? - 我说他们总是让你等
是啊，是啊
他们觉得这样会给他们以心理上的优势?
我给他们我屁股的优势
因为如果我拔腿就走，他们就只能看见我屁股了
你了解这些家伙吗?
只知道他们是这一行...
"...成长最快的公司" 是的，我也读过这篇文章
好吧，你知道的和我一样多
那么说他们知道自己做的事情
应该是的，除非这些发行人雇用其他发行人替他们传话
没错，然后那些发行人就雇用自己的发行人
来替他们做宣传
当然，他们熟悉发行人 他们也许会雇发行人
来宣传他们雇用其他发行人
做宣传这件事情...
- 伙计，你是做哪行的? - 我就是发行人
没想到我坐在安切洛蒂公司的人旁边
其实我还不是安切洛蒂公司的
我来这儿应聘的
这些家伙在我拍完上一部片子以后就想把我挖过来
- 是机器人那部，对吗? - 哦，是的，你看过了?
还没机会看，我打算...
哦，你可真够支持我的
- 我打算... - 其实那部片子也不怎么样
我有孩子，没机会出去看电影
除非里面有唱歌的螃蟹
唱歌的螃蟹？我知道那个， 那么说你有个女儿
没错
- 多大了? - 7岁
是吗？我有一丫头俩小子
3个孩子?
那你怎么还有时间拍电影?
妈的，如果没那些孩子,
我也不用去拍电影了
没错
伙计
- 很酷，对不对? - 拍电影?
- 应该你告诉我 - 是做父母，有趣的家伙
有时候是的
- 你女儿叫什么? - 格特鲁德（婴儿内衣）
哎呀!怎么取这么个名字?
- 你是不是打赌输了? - 不是
- 不，是我原来妻子的名字 - "原来"? 我猜猜
她给孩子起了格蒂这名字后 就和你离婚带走了你一半财产?
不能怪她，是我给孩子起名叫格蒂的
她难产死了...
- 不，不... - 真不好意思
- 别担心 - 不，听着，真的很抱歉
我也没去看你的电影，我们扯平了，相信我
就因为这个才没人在等候室聊天，对吗?
也许吧，我告诉你...
那些写“父母并不理解”的家伙根本就没孩子
都是编出来的
我们也是这样，对吗?
- 什么? - 理解
我是说，现在的孩子，比我们懂得多
我女儿就比我懂得多
是的，我家老二，我儿子
每天早上我出门的时候
他就说"爸爸, 你对我的爱有多远?"
我总是挑一个近的东西 "到桌子那么远"
"不，有到月亮一个来回那么远."
真不错
我每次都舍不得走
你拍片的时候也要抽时候和他们在一起，是吗?
是的，但如果我聪明的话，就不会坐在这里了
我会在家里和孩子玩泥巴
但你知道，我不是以脑袋好出名的
是因为我英俊，性感
是因为我那玩意儿大得吓人，呵呵
哦，伙计，我肯定不能算是个聪明人
跟你说...
- 很高兴和你聊天 - 我也是
- 你走了? - 走了
有什么人可以推荐吗?
只有一个叫亚瑟 布里克曼的
其他人我可不能担保
等等，你就是布里克曼?
不，我是要回家和孩子玩泥巴的那个
-托比! -来了! 失陪一下...
-拿麦酒来! -好的,妈!
动作快点!
老天,太好吃了!
要抹粉吗，还是捏你的脸（让它变红）?
你要是敢捏我的脸，我可不管什么孩子的演出 也要把你揍扁
欢迎大家来到圣玛丽亚学校
学生/亲属秋季表演
祝贺你的孩子出色的才能
好好欣赏吧
第一个节目是一年级的辛西娅 波德那 和她妈妈简表演的
音乐剧《猫》里面的歌曲《回忆》
下面是安修女幼儿园的翠西科莱里,
和她父母表演的音乐剧《猫》里面的歌曲《回忆》
下面是一年级的马丁托拜厄斯和他妈妈表演的...
哦，这歌真流行
...《猫》里面的歌曲《回忆》
开玩笑!
你就不能让我轻松点吗, 格蒂?
宝贝，会没事的
你是下一个, 格蒂. 祝你成功
感谢上帝，终于有不是《猫》里面的了
一年级的格特鲁德 特里克 和他的父亲, 奥利弗...
- 是我的爷爷 - 哦
对不起，一年级的格特鲁德 特里克 和他的爷爷表演的
我猜是感恩歌吧
音乐剧《《恶魔理发师》》中的 《上帝啊，太棒了》
女士们,先生们,请注意
闻到那香浓可口、美味动人的味道
你们的鼻孔是否同样蠢蠢欲动?
对,的确如此,我看的出来
女士们,先生们,微风中芳香四溢
松脆多汁、无与伦比
当然啰,就像美食家所说的一样
女士们,先生们,简直无法想像 这种雀跃和兴奋
就在这扇门内
来尝尝看洛薇特太太的鲜肉派
就像外表一样风味甜美的派
吃了洛薇特太太的鲜肉派
包准你回味无穷
-托比! -来了! 失陪一下...
-拿麦酒来! -好的,妈!
-动作快点! -老天,太好吃了!
幸会了,小亲亲
你怎么还没走呀?
我忙得筋疲力尽 托比! 给这位先生一杯
倾听小鸟鸣叫有助心情快活
托比! 把那老女人赶出去!
老天,太好吃了!
你身上有多少钱啊,小亲亲? 不行,小店谢绝赊欠
衣服脱下
...我的价钱,我是个小鬼灵精
生意实在好的不得了
老天,太好吃了!
老天保佑
对不起
亲爱的,招呼客人
好的,什么事,亲爱的?
-动作快点! -我的心悸动不已
-当我跺地板... -当你跺地板
表示我准备离开了
-当我跺地板... -当你跺地板
-你信任我吗? -我只想确定一下
当我确定你就序,我会跺三下
三下
然后换你!
三下!
如果你...
没错!
-再来更多热腾腾的派! -老天!
-更多热腾腾的派! -对!
更多派! 更多!
等一下!
老天,太好吃了!
糟糕
- 我爱你, 爸爸. - 我也爱你
我太爱你了
- 你太棒了 - 你也是
你... 们...
太... 棒了!
上帝!
格蒂!跟我来跳舞
- 再见， 格里叔叔. 再见 布洛克叔叔 - 再见，宝贝
- 我开始喜欢演戏了 - 是啊
别做美梦了，明天你还要去挖大便呢
有时候我想...
我再也不想唱给你听了
我有一阵子挺担心的
是啊，我也担心你会怯场
不是那个，是其他事情
- 关于搬走的事情 - 拜托，爸爸
你不想一个人住了?
我更不想一个人死
我们哪儿也不去，爸爸
你不去安慰一下爷爷?
他没能唱上两句，正不高兴呢
爷爷!
小公主!
看看你，大英雄
嗯，也许要花我更长的时间，呃...
可以吗?
好的
很高兴我终于赶上了
嗯，你就这么冷不丁出现了?
真是太浪漫了
说真的
呃，留下来吧
也许更浪漫
- 真的吗? - 真的
浪漫吧?
我会考虑的
好好考虑
奥利 特里克...
嘿
你儿子和那个米娅舞跳得不错啊
呃...
咸鱼也有翻身日
你有咸鱼?
米娅?
- 我可以和爸爸跳舞吗? - 那好吧
别让他溜走了, 格蒂.他是独一无二的
我知道
过来
- 想跳舞吗? - 不去纽约了?
- 不去了 - 和爷爷待在一起?
是的，和爷爷待在一起
- 你会带我去看《猫》吗? - 哦，很会利用机会啊，不行
- 谢谢, 爸爸. - 我愿意为你做任何事情, 格蒂.
- 知道为什么吗? - 为什么?
因为你是我的唯一
***新视界字幕翻译小组制作*** 制作人：cgcgcg & polestar（翻译、校对）
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