1
00:00:01,936 --> 00:00:03,536
So, uh, what are we doing?
2
00:00:03,568 --> 00:00:05,568
Are we just jumping
right into this, or...
3
00:00:05,656 --> 00:00:07,251
How are you assholes even here?
4
00:00:07,294 --> 00:00:08,634
We followed you.
5
00:00:08,659 --> 00:00:09,548
- Duh.
- Duh.
6
00:00:09,573 --> 00:00:10,251
Hmm!
7
00:00:10,276 --> 00:00:11,813
Looks like she's having
a rough night.
8
00:00:11,876 --> 00:00:14,321
- Her? What about me?
- Will you shut up?
9
00:00:14,438 --> 00:00:16,531
Will you stop
illustrating my point?
10
00:00:16,601 --> 00:00:17,898
So, is this the part where
11
00:00:17,953 --> 00:00:19,695
you tell me it's not
what it looks like?
12
00:00:19,726 --> 00:00:21,734
- I don't know. What does it look like?
- You tell me.
13
00:00:21,820 --> 00:00:25,195
- It's... not what it looks like?
- Which is...
14
00:00:25,281 --> 00:00:28,117
Murder, figgis, you
insufferable little prick!
15
00:00:28,195 --> 00:00:29,311
It looks like murder!
16
00:00:29,336 --> 00:00:31,179
Yeah, I guess it does, kind of.
17
00:00:31,258 --> 00:00:32,406
But it shows what you know,
18
00:00:32,476 --> 00:00:34,820
because it's only accessory
after the fact.
19
00:00:34,875 --> 00:00:36,914
We were merely
using this poor
20
00:00:36,961 --> 00:00:39,203
pre-deceased young woman
to fake my death.
21
00:00:39,228 --> 00:00:40,279
- What?
- Why?
22
00:00:40,304 --> 00:00:41,319
She's trying to get out
23
00:00:41,344 --> 00:00:43,615
of a quasi-incestuous
home-life situation.
24
00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:44,648
How quasi?
25
00:00:44,687 --> 00:00:46,609
Like, a four?
26
00:00:46,696 --> 00:00:48,515
- Meh.
- Put a ham in it, Poovey.
27
00:00:48,594 --> 00:00:50,320
What's your story, lady?
Who are you?
28
00:00:50,422 --> 00:00:52,351
Charlotte Vandertunt?
29
00:00:52,422 --> 00:00:55,429
Heiress to the vast
Vandertunt Publishing Fortune?
30
00:00:55,500 --> 00:00:57,797
- Really?
- Schmancy.
31
00:00:57,890 --> 00:00:59,820
Well, then, seeing as how
that's the case,
32
00:00:59,883 --> 00:01:01,453
are the keys in the rolls?
33
00:01:01,554 --> 00:01:03,195
Yeah. They're...
Wait. Why?
34
00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:05,125
Because I'm going to drive it,
35
00:01:05,226 --> 00:01:08,062
and sergeant Poovey is going
to drive you in my car.
36
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,992
To jail. Because you're both
under arrest for murder.
37
00:01:11,101 --> 00:01:12,156
- What?
- Goddamn it.
38
00:01:12,226 --> 00:01:14,080
- Poovey?
- Huh? Oh.
39
00:01:14,156 --> 00:01:15,492
Now we'll see how you like
40
00:01:15,530 --> 00:01:17,804
getting your tits
screwed off for a change.
41
00:01:17,867 --> 00:01:19,750
Wh... what?
42
00:01:19,820 --> 00:01:22,500
Remember? 'Cause you screwed
his wife's tits off.
43
00:01:22,570 --> 00:01:25,070
- Damn it, Poovey!
- What? Figuratively!
44
00:01:25,164 --> 00:01:27,312
Well, either way, I can
tell you right now i...
45
00:01:27,406 --> 00:01:29,656
Wait. Did you say
"a change" or just "change,"
46
00:01:29,734 --> 00:01:30,804
as in spare change?
47
00:01:30,867 --> 00:01:31,992
Huh! What change?
48
00:01:32,101 --> 00:01:34,304
They'll be passing you around
for half a pack of smokes.
49
00:01:34,414 --> 00:01:36,820
Pff! I'm worth
at least two packs.
50
00:01:36,859 --> 00:01:38,008
Pff!
You know.
51
00:01:38,054 --> 00:01:41,289
And, Poovey,
book her as a Jane Doe.
52
00:01:43,163 --> 00:01:44,453
A what?
53
00:01:44,769 --> 00:01:47,329
Oh, shit.
54
00:01:48,244 --> 00:01:51,750
♪ Jazzy theme... ♪
55
00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,647
*ARCHER* Season 08 Episode 03
"Archer Dreamland: Jane Doe"
56
00:02:24,656 --> 00:02:26,486
Well, at least let me
talk to her.
57
00:02:26,523 --> 00:02:28,398
No. I told you, you can't.
58
00:02:28,562 --> 00:02:31,269
Little Miss Vanderpanties
is in solitary,
59
00:02:31,356 --> 00:02:32,605
down in the sub-basement.
60
00:02:32,692 --> 00:02:34,122
Yeah! And why do you
think that is?
61
00:02:34,184 --> 00:02:35,575
How the hell should I know?
62
00:02:35,649 --> 00:02:38,013
- Wh... because you do!
- No, I don't.
63
00:02:38,114 --> 00:02:40,482
Are you booking Charlotte
as a Jane Doe?
64
00:02:40,552 --> 00:02:41,984
He's gonna keep her
locked up here,
65
00:02:42,067 --> 00:02:44,016
call her parents
posing as a kidnapper,
66
00:02:44,075 --> 00:02:46,821
and use the ransom money to
square things with Len Trexler
67
00:02:46,864 --> 00:02:49,024
for losing his
Chinese sex slaves!
68
00:02:49,122 --> 00:02:51,086
Oh. Thought you meant
besides that.
69
00:02:51,138 --> 00:02:54,833
The Chinese sex slaves,
by the way, that you let goooo!
70
00:02:54,999 --> 00:02:57,006
Keep your frickin' voice down.
71
00:02:57,038 --> 00:02:58,054
Ow!
72
00:02:58,108 --> 00:03:00,600
And speaking of which,
where the hell are they?
73
00:03:05,029 --> 00:03:07,229
Your house?
Are you shitting me?
74
00:03:07,311 --> 00:03:10,749
Aw, I wouldn't shit you.
You're my favorite turd.
75
00:03:10,814 --> 00:03:12,374
But what are you gonna do
with them, Poovey?
76
00:03:12,452 --> 00:03:14,022
What's your long-term plan?
77
00:03:17,186 --> 00:03:20,159
Like living with a bunch
of roosters.
78
00:03:20,241 --> 00:03:22,381
- That's your plan?
- Well, it's a plan.
79
00:03:22,452 --> 00:03:24,952
I mean, obviously,
we'll put it to a vote, but...
80
00:03:25,021 --> 00:03:27,342
- Not after I tell Figgis...
- Ow!
81
00:03:27,464 --> 00:03:28,600
Don't be stupid!
82
00:03:28,699 --> 00:03:30,327
If you want me to talk him
out of this murder rap,
83
00:03:30,381 --> 00:03:31,913
you'll keep
your damn piehole shut!
84
00:03:32,038 --> 00:03:34,389
Poovey. Poovey!
85
00:03:34,538 --> 00:03:36,741
I could actually go
for some pie.
86
00:03:36,807 --> 00:03:39,381
Come on! Come on! Move your asses!
87
00:03:39,426 --> 00:03:40,926
Yeah, yeah, keep on bitching,
88
00:03:41,045 --> 00:03:42,975
if ya want me to bust
your heads open for ya.
89
00:03:43,045 --> 00:03:44,849
Hey, uh, could I order some pie?
90
00:03:44,905 --> 00:03:46,478
Or have you singlehandedly
91
00:03:46,514 --> 00:03:49,319
depleted the global
strategic pie reserves?
92
00:03:53,030 --> 00:03:55,732
- Whoo! Are you crazy?
- You wanna get yourself killed?
93
00:03:55,811 --> 00:03:58,326
Oh, my God!
Is diabetes contagious?
94
00:03:58,389 --> 00:04:00,997
Hang on. Tsk.
I know you from Dreamland.
95
00:04:01,053 --> 00:04:02,998
Dreamland?
Do you know Lana Kane?
96
00:04:03,037 --> 00:04:04,810
We're her Band, man.
I'm Floyd.
97
00:04:04,873 --> 00:04:06,701
This is Verl.
That's Cliff, and that's...
98
00:04:06,774 --> 00:04:08,844
Ray Gillette.
I'm kind of the Bandleader.
99
00:04:08,912 --> 00:04:10,138
- We didn't vote on that.
- No, you're not.
100
00:04:10,224 --> 00:04:12,308
I-I'm Archer.
I'm a private eye,
101
00:04:12,333 --> 00:04:14,739
doing a little work
for your boss, Mother.
102
00:04:14,810 --> 00:04:16,245
So what are you in here for?
103
00:04:16,270 --> 00:04:18,247
Well, murder, but technically,
104
00:04:18,357 --> 00:04:19,778
it was just gross abuse
of a corpse.
105
00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:21,841
How about you guys?
What are you in for?
106
00:04:21,954 --> 00:04:24,420
Yeah, Ray.
What are we in here for?
107
00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:25,921
Okay. My turn.
108
00:04:26,052 --> 00:04:27,716
Okay. Hey, come on. Let me...
Hey, relax.
109
00:04:27,771 --> 00:04:29,177
Hold on.
You're gonna get yours.
110
00:04:29,232 --> 00:04:30,285
You'll get a turn, man.
111
00:04:30,310 --> 00:04:32,360
- Can I please...
- Ray, take it easy, man.
112
00:04:32,412 --> 00:04:33,568
Goddamn it!
113
00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:36,622
I insist you let me share
your Marijuana cigarette!
114
00:04:40,204 --> 00:04:42,935
Well, serves y'all right
for being so damn stingy.
115
00:04:43,021 --> 00:04:44,396
- Serves who right?
- "Whom."
116
00:04:44,443 --> 00:04:46,490
How is six years in jail right?
117
00:04:46,591 --> 00:04:49,076
Six years?
For one lousy goof-butt?
118
00:04:49,154 --> 00:04:52,513
It's our second offense.
119
00:04:52,638 --> 00:04:55,427
I am lovin'
this Marijuana cigarette!
120
00:04:58,198 --> 00:05:00,440
Or it will be, once they
run our prints
121
00:05:00,511 --> 00:05:02,612
and figure out
we gave 'em fake names.
122
00:05:02,745 --> 00:05:05,589
Ha! Oh, man, was my fake
name not the best?
123
00:05:05,792 --> 00:05:07,706
I swear, i am such a pistol.
124
00:05:07,792 --> 00:05:09,300
You're lucky
I don't have a pistol.
125
00:05:09,354 --> 00:05:11,567
Or even a belt.
Or even shoelaces.
126
00:05:11,659 --> 00:05:13,714
What if I told you I could
get you guys outta here,
127
00:05:13,784 --> 00:05:15,136
no charges filed?
128
00:05:15,239 --> 00:05:16,597
I need your help
to do it, though.
129
00:05:16,659 --> 00:05:18,073
To do what, exactly?
130
00:05:18,175 --> 00:05:19,605
Escape, obviously.
131
00:05:19,675 --> 00:05:21,978
- What?
- What do we have to do?
132
00:05:22,034 --> 00:05:25,401
Well, for starters, I'm gonna
need you to forgive me.
133
00:05:25,518 --> 00:05:27,659
Forgive you? For wh...
134
00:05:27,804 --> 00:05:30,901
- Damn, Ray! Really?
- Ugh!
135
00:05:31,003 --> 00:05:32,745
Damn, man! Why the hell'd
you do that?
136
00:05:32,836 --> 00:05:35,448
Hey, guard, we got
a sick man in here!
137
00:05:35,473 --> 00:05:36,486
Ohh.
138
00:05:36,511 --> 00:05:37,856
Aw, man, I'm gonna be sick too.
139
00:05:37,881 --> 00:05:40,196
- No, you are not.
- Well, I am.
140
00:05:40,197 --> 00:05:42,327
- Guard!
- You assholes!
141
00:05:42,384 --> 00:05:43,801
Whoever puked in my cell,
142
00:05:43,826 --> 00:05:46,361
I'm gonna make ya mop it up
and suck on the mop!
143
00:05:48,197 --> 00:05:49,728
Oh, man!
144
00:05:49,868 --> 00:05:52,618
- Goddamn it!
- Seriously.
145
00:05:52,681 --> 00:05:54,183
Oh, you think that's funny,
you shit-heel?
146
00:05:54,275 --> 00:05:55,645
Oh, sorry.
147
00:05:55,782 --> 00:05:58,853
I'm just a sucker for physical
comedy. Case in point...
148
00:06:02,052 --> 00:06:03,345
Daaaamn!
149
00:06:03,453 --> 00:06:05,322
Remind me never
to rent you a mule.
150
00:06:05,524 --> 00:06:07,299
Why would I want to rent a mule?
151
00:06:07,357 --> 00:06:09,835
- Maybe you're afraid of commitment.
- So, listen.
152
00:06:09,900 --> 00:06:11,960
What do you think about our
chances of getting out of here?
153
00:06:12,032 --> 00:06:13,743
Hmm. I don't know.
154
00:06:13,845 --> 00:06:16,165
Four?
Out of... five?
155
00:06:16,267 --> 00:06:18,696
Why not?
156
00:06:22,189 --> 00:06:24,868
Mother: I'm sorry.
I must have misheard you.
157
00:06:24,978 --> 00:06:26,454
Because it sounded like you said
158
00:06:26,525 --> 00:06:28,314
you're not doing
your second set.
159
00:06:28,363 --> 00:06:29,630
I don't have a Band.
160
00:06:29,764 --> 00:06:31,423
They never came back
from their Smoke Break.
161
00:06:31,499 --> 00:06:35,259
Bet they got arrested again.
Idiots.
162
00:06:35,376 --> 00:06:37,699
What is it with you people
and reefer?
163
00:06:37,767 --> 00:06:40,993
- Do you mean musicians or negroes?
- Pick one.
164
00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:43,109
No, because I'm
going home now, so...
165
00:06:43,157 --> 00:06:44,571
You most certainly are not.
166
00:06:44,626 --> 00:06:46,595
Get up there and
entertain those people.
167
00:06:46,673 --> 00:06:48,962
How? Do you want me
to do a striptease?
168
00:06:49,030 --> 00:06:50,860
- Hmm.
- That was a joke.
169
00:06:50,923 --> 00:06:52,525
- Well, clearly.
- Wha...?
170
00:06:52,603 --> 00:06:55,314
But I wonder. What if
we had a comedy night?
171
00:06:55,406 --> 00:06:58,228
Comedians, little routines...
172
00:06:58,323 --> 00:07:00,556
And where the hell
is the bartender?
173
00:07:00,697 --> 00:07:03,430
Excuse me. Excuse me.
174
00:07:03,478 --> 00:07:06,665
Excuse me! Doctor, where are
you taking this patient?
175
00:07:06,751 --> 00:07:08,743
Yeah, what do we got
going on here?
176
00:07:08,861 --> 00:07:10,689
Tests.
Just some routine tests.
177
00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:13,032
Okay, let's get you
dancin', handsome.
178
00:07:13,111 --> 00:07:14,774
I am handsome.
179
00:07:14,962 --> 00:07:16,914
Maybe I could do
a comedy routine.
180
00:07:17,001 --> 00:07:18,611
I mean, how hard could that be?
181
00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:20,382
- Seriously?
- What?
182
00:07:20,454 --> 00:07:22,095
You look like a Rodeo Clown.
183
00:07:22,220 --> 00:07:24,550
You've clearly
never been to a Rodeo.
184
00:07:24,619 --> 00:07:26,279
Aw, brother, I have.
185
00:07:26,353 --> 00:07:28,173
That was the circus.
186
00:07:28,256 --> 00:07:29,806
No. There were lions.
187
00:07:29,891 --> 00:07:32,540
Look, man, verl's
got to be the cop.
188
00:07:32,634 --> 00:07:34,056
I mean, you know,
no offense, but...
189
00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:36,142
The fact that you feel like
you have to say "no offense"...
190
00:07:36,220 --> 00:07:37,590
- Moot!
- Wait. What?
191
00:07:37,598 --> 00:07:39,598
- What?
- Moot. It's my plan.
192
00:07:39,623 --> 00:07:41,407
- I'm the Cop.
- Come on.
193
00:07:41,469 --> 00:07:43,689
You look like you should
be policing a cornfield.
194
00:07:43,771 --> 00:07:45,267
Arresting crows and shit.
195
00:07:45,361 --> 00:07:47,126
Caw! Caw!
Seriously.
196
00:07:47,175 --> 00:07:48,584
No. I'm the Cop.
197
00:07:48,626 --> 00:07:50,861
For one thing, I have
military experience, so...
198
00:07:50,945 --> 00:07:53,283
Me and Verl were in the Army.
And I was in the Navy.
199
00:07:53,322 --> 00:07:55,532
Well, but, you know,
I didn't segregate the service,
200
00:07:55,583 --> 00:07:57,913
and no offense, but...
But here it comes.
201
00:07:57,962 --> 00:08:00,064
Well, but what did
you do, exactly?
202
00:08:00,121 --> 00:08:02,572
I was in the transport corps.
I was a steward.
203
00:08:02,657 --> 00:08:05,939
- Exactly. So, you know...
- Oh, I get it.
204
00:08:06,001 --> 00:08:07,197
So, no matter how eager
205
00:08:07,261 --> 00:08:09,517
Negroes were to prove
ourselves in combat,
206
00:08:09,597 --> 00:08:11,306
thanks to segregation,
most of us
207
00:08:11,344 --> 00:08:12,853
had to serve in support units.
208
00:08:12,934 --> 00:08:14,892
And driving trucks
and serving coffee
209
00:08:14,970 --> 00:08:16,605
don't exactly make us
war heroes.
210
00:08:16,657 --> 00:08:18,056
No. Come on. Look, I realize
211
00:08:18,150 --> 00:08:20,259
that a segregated service
is just crazy.
212
00:08:20,308 --> 00:08:21,743
Especially when you think about
213
00:08:21,809 --> 00:08:23,579
what we were fighting
for over there, but...
214
00:08:23,611 --> 00:08:26,165
Oh, so now you got a "but."
But if you think about it,
215
00:08:26,220 --> 00:08:29,337
the most racist thing would be
if whenever there was a war,
216
00:08:29,431 --> 00:08:31,876
we only sent Negroes.
217
00:08:32,914 --> 00:08:35,583
- Wow!
- Words fail me.
218
00:08:35,623 --> 00:08:38,407
- I failed my induction screening.
- Well, obviously.
219
00:08:38,470 --> 00:08:40,907
You put the "F" in "4-F."
You know...
220
00:08:40,962 --> 00:08:44,923
Okay, verl can be the cop.
But I'm still squad leader.
221
00:08:45,822 --> 00:08:48,069
And I need you guys
to respect that.
222
00:08:48,733 --> 00:08:50,702
Come on. Come on.
Move your lazy asses.
223
00:08:50,842 --> 00:08:52,972
- Oh, that's good. That's good, Verl.
- Very believable.
224
00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:55,140
Will you quit jamming
my ass with that thing?
225
00:08:55,257 --> 00:08:57,335
He said, coyly.
Silence, prisoner.
226
00:08:57,436 --> 00:08:58,631
Yeah. Shut up.
227
00:08:58,757 --> 00:09:01,179
And the next cop we see,
I'm getting his uniform.
228
00:09:01,304 --> 00:09:02,687
So...
229
00:09:04,115 --> 00:09:05,511
Damn it.
230
00:09:05,585 --> 00:09:08,722
- Complete and total bullshit.
- Dress that line, boy!
231
00:09:08,804 --> 00:09:11,288
Talk about looking
like a scarecrow.
232
00:09:11,348 --> 00:09:14,108
- Caw! Caw!
- Doesn't even work there, so...
233
00:09:14,218 --> 00:09:17,187
So, hey, I'm not an Architect,
but I'm pretty sure
234
00:09:17,366 --> 00:09:19,757
you can't leave a building
through the sub-basement.
235
00:09:19,834 --> 00:09:23,530
So, unless they keep all the
fingerprint cards down here...
236
00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:25,275
In the dampest part
of the building...
237
00:09:25,366 --> 00:09:27,069
What the hell
are we doing down here?
238
00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:29,796
Well, um, it's a surprise.
239
00:09:29,944 --> 00:09:32,608
Oh, goody!
Let me guess.
240
00:09:32,747 --> 00:09:36,171
Is it, uh, a truck full
of my Chinese whores?
241
00:09:36,250 --> 00:09:37,437
Uh, better.
242
00:09:37,507 --> 00:09:38,560
Oh!
243
00:09:38,585 --> 00:09:41,782
A slightly larger truck
full of my Chinese whores?
244
00:09:41,804 --> 00:09:43,843
- Even better.
- I feel like we're gonna run out
245
00:09:43,890 --> 00:09:45,551
of things to fill
with Chinese whores.
246
00:09:45,608 --> 00:09:47,335
No. You'll forget
all about them
247
00:09:47,373 --> 00:09:48,499
when you hear what
I've got for you.
248
00:09:48,562 --> 00:09:50,343
Intriguing.
249
00:09:50,444 --> 00:09:51,866
All right.
Give me a hint.
250
00:09:51,969 --> 00:09:54,801
Two words:
Charlotte Vandertunt.
251
00:09:54,858 --> 00:09:58,402
The heiress to the Vast
Vandertunt Publishing Fortune?
252
00:09:58,460 --> 00:10:01,601
And, by inference, an ideal
target for kidnapping.
253
00:10:01,645 --> 00:10:03,468
I'm not kidnapping a Vandertunt.
254
00:10:03,577 --> 00:10:05,608
You don't have to.
I already did.
255
00:10:05,748 --> 00:10:07,007
Are you serious?
256
00:10:07,069 --> 00:10:09,882
Oh,Figgis, that is
some good work.
257
00:10:09,951 --> 00:10:13,051
- Where is she?
- Downtown, booked in as a Jane Doe.
258
00:10:13,155 --> 00:10:15,202
You got her in that shitty jail?
259
00:10:15,289 --> 00:10:17,767
No! You go get her,
and you bring her here.
260
00:10:17,874 --> 00:10:20,062
- But...
- "But" nothing, ya little weasel.
261
00:10:20,140 --> 00:10:22,452
Bring her to me.
I wanna to meet her.
262
00:10:22,917 --> 00:10:25,210
Oh, I bet she's charming.
263
00:10:29,679 --> 00:10:32,515
What... what is happening
right now?
264
00:10:32,573 --> 00:10:36,202
That's what I'm trying to...
What the hell is wrong with you?
265
00:10:36,343 --> 00:10:37,663
Everything!
266
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:42,200
I spent my life in jail, and now
I'm a disgusting old woman!
267
00:10:42,431 --> 00:10:44,061
What is she talking about?
268
00:10:44,124 --> 00:10:47,921
Oh! My God, the future
is terrifying!
269
00:10:48,054 --> 00:10:50,209
How many years
have I been in here?
270
00:10:50,324 --> 00:10:52,694
Wha... It's been,
like, a half an hour.
271
00:10:52,789 --> 00:10:55,030
What? No, but...
272
00:10:55,171 --> 00:10:57,054
But then... how...
273
00:10:57,429 --> 00:10:59,161
How are there negro policemen?
274
00:10:59,166 --> 00:11:01,280
Uh, definitely Negro policemen.
275
00:11:01,390 --> 00:11:04,328
I... but...
I mean, since when?
276
00:11:04,438 --> 00:11:06,282
In L.A.?
I wanna say...
277
00:11:06,351 --> 00:11:07,974
Was it 1886?
278
00:11:07,998 --> 00:11:11,127
Yep. Patrolman
Robert w. Stewart.
279
00:11:11,194 --> 00:11:12,788
Big beat-walkin' Bob.
280
00:11:12,827 --> 00:11:14,510
- They called him that?
- How should I know?
281
00:11:14,515 --> 00:11:16,288
Uh...
282
00:11:16,350 --> 00:11:18,249
Well, then,
I don't know what to say.
283
00:11:18,352 --> 00:11:20,413
I am simply mortified.
284
00:11:20,483 --> 00:11:22,890
Please accept
my apology. I...
285
00:11:23,069 --> 00:11:26,366
You're my first Negroes.
286
00:11:27,483 --> 00:11:29,462
So, was this a surprise?
287
00:11:29,537 --> 00:11:31,858
Because I already know
a crazy lady. His aunt Marva.
288
00:11:31,966 --> 00:11:35,204
- Eats paper. By the pound.
- Mm-hmm. God bless that mess.
289
00:11:35,265 --> 00:11:38,371
So, no. The surprise is,
we're gonna seriously jeopardize
290
00:11:38,429 --> 00:11:41,041
our own chance of escaping
by taking her with us.
291
00:11:43,144 --> 00:11:46,022
Poovey:
I say we put it to a vote.
292
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:47,288
I vote no.
293
00:11:47,381 --> 00:11:49,116
Poovey, come on.
Don't do this.
294
00:11:49,141 --> 00:11:51,952
Make me.
I mean, don't make me.
295
00:11:52,050 --> 00:11:54,991
Look, I know you Cops have to
check your weapons up front,
296
00:11:55,046 --> 00:11:57,882
and there's five of us
and only one of you, so...
297
00:11:57,948 --> 00:12:00,241
So who wants
their ass beat first?
298
00:12:00,443 --> 00:12:01,779
And before you decide,
299
00:12:01,829 --> 00:12:04,589
keep in mind I'm gradually
gonna get more tired,
300
00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:06,726
but also gradually
more berserker.
301
00:12:08,069 --> 00:12:11,899
This is the best...
Day... ever!
302
00:12:13,368 --> 00:12:16,197
Being a negro
must be so exciting.
303
00:12:19,217 --> 00:12:21,154
Lana: Thank you.
304
00:12:21,254 --> 00:12:25,037
Oh, thank you.
Oh, you're too kind.
305
00:12:25,158 --> 00:12:26,826
How's everybody doing tonight?
306
00:12:26,917 --> 00:12:29,347
Doing good?
Having a swell time?
307
00:12:29,493 --> 00:12:31,654
Yeah? Everybody having fun?
308
00:12:31,772 --> 00:12:35,451
Painting the town Red?
Wonderful!
309
00:12:35,599 --> 00:12:37,513
Terrific.
310
00:12:37,688 --> 00:12:39,857
So, I'm gonna want a rematch.
311
00:12:39,975 --> 00:12:41,743
Me too.
312
00:12:41,854 --> 00:12:45,435
What in the hell is she doing?
313
00:12:45,539 --> 00:12:48,069
I'll tell you
who's not having fun.
314
00:12:48,114 --> 00:12:51,008
Al Capone. He just died.
You hear about this?
315
00:12:51,084 --> 00:12:53,031
Yep. He died of Syphilis.
316
00:12:53,117 --> 00:12:56,473
Wouldn't wanna be that broad,
would ya?
317
00:12:56,576 --> 00:12:58,286
Hi, alphonse?
318
00:12:58,397 --> 00:13:00,801
Yeah, it's me, trixie.
319
00:13:00,893 --> 00:13:03,036
Yeah, so, i was just callin'
320
00:13:03,096 --> 00:13:06,739
to say thanks
for a such a lovely evenin'.
321
00:13:06,799 --> 00:13:08,606
Yeah, me too.
322
00:13:08,658 --> 00:13:11,658
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
323
00:13:11,771 --> 00:13:14,114
Yeah, so listen, um...
324
00:13:14,238 --> 00:13:16,239
Tsk.
325
00:13:17,511 --> 00:13:20,075
You know, like she's calling
326
00:13:20,136 --> 00:13:23,876
notorious criminal Al Capone to
tell him she gave him Syphilis.
327
00:13:23,958 --> 00:13:26,731
That's... that's
pretty awkward, right?
328
00:13:27,012 --> 00:13:28,997
Although she was probably
a prostitute.
329
00:13:29,067 --> 00:13:31,043
And why you'd give your phone
number to a prostitute...
330
00:13:31,238 --> 00:13:33,543
So... so what else?
331
00:13:35,590 --> 00:13:37,536
You know how pissed off
Figgis is gonna be
332
00:13:37,582 --> 00:13:40,528
when he finds out you walked off
with his million-dollar payday?
333
00:13:40,645 --> 00:13:42,481
Roughly the same
as if he finds out
334
00:13:42,568 --> 00:13:44,928
about your new Chinese
sister-wives?
335
00:13:46,678 --> 00:13:48,309
Oh, goody.
336
00:13:48,556 --> 00:13:51,356
Another sweater.
337
00:13:51,477 --> 00:13:54,645
All right, Archer.
You win this round.
338
00:13:54,753 --> 00:13:57,801
Yeah. I mean, you're handcuffed
to a pipe, so obviously.
339
00:13:57,866 --> 00:14:02,098
- Hey, let's go.
- We'll go when your squad leader says we'll go.
340
00:14:02,218 --> 00:14:04,418
Which is now.
Let's go.
341
00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:07,241
Hang on. We still gotta get
our fingerprint cards.
342
00:14:07,302 --> 00:14:09,270
Oh, right.
Where do they keep them?
343
00:14:09,319 --> 00:14:11,579
Second floor, room 202.
344
00:14:11,611 --> 00:14:14,239
But good luck getting in there without a...
345
00:14:16,333 --> 00:14:18,012
A distraction. Nice!
346
00:14:18,137 --> 00:14:21,168
Poovey: I was gonna say... ooh!
Sprinklers! Nice!
347
00:14:21,308 --> 00:14:23,969
The key, you dickheads!
348
00:14:24,122 --> 00:14:26,864
Ohh, right. Duh.
349
00:14:27,046 --> 00:14:28,637
Whew. What else?
350
00:14:28,801 --> 00:14:31,645
Uh... oh, prostitutes
and, uh, Syphilis. Okay.
351
00:14:31,708 --> 00:14:35,248
So, I heard about a male
prostitute who got Syphilis.
352
00:14:35,350 --> 00:14:37,641
Yeah. Apparently,
he was fine for a while,
353
00:14:37,723 --> 00:14:40,326
but then business
kind of dropped off.
354
00:14:42,186 --> 00:14:44,646
Reminds me... uh, reminds me
of my cousin Eddie.
355
00:14:44,694 --> 00:14:47,596
Uh, he goes to see the family
doctor. Doctor says,
356
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:50,369
"Well, I've got
some good news and bad news.
357
00:14:50,455 --> 00:14:53,166
The bad news is,
your wife has Syphilis."
358
00:14:53,254 --> 00:14:57,224
"My God," Eddie says,
"what's the good news?" Doctor says,
359
00:14:57,280 --> 00:14:59,571
"Good news is,
she didn't get it from you...
360
00:14:59,625 --> 00:15:02,196
"Based on this
361
00:15:02,274 --> 00:15:06,074
medical examination."
362
00:15:06,304 --> 00:15:08,034
All right. Let's... let's see
what else I got here.
363
00:15:08,087 --> 00:15:09,977
Uh, Syphilis, Syphilis,
364
00:15:10,089 --> 00:15:12,641
Syphilis, Syphilis, Syphilis,
Syphilis, Syphilis...
365
00:15:12,684 --> 00:15:15,383
Oh, hey! How 'bout
that taft-hartley act?
366
00:15:15,506 --> 00:15:17,201
Man:
Show us your tits!
367
00:15:17,992 --> 00:15:19,792
I mean...
368
00:15:19,999 --> 00:15:22,078
Oh, jeez, I'm getting wet!
369
00:15:22,196 --> 00:15:23,453
Will you hurry up?
370
00:15:23,562 --> 00:15:26,313
Hang on. I got everybody's
but mine. Uh...
371
00:15:30,094 --> 00:15:32,157
Here it is!
Oh, my God.
372
00:15:32,262 --> 00:15:33,735
Oh, it's hilari...
373
00:15:36,182 --> 00:15:37,736
"Phil Mccracken."
374
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:42,090
Right?
375
00:15:42,793 --> 00:15:46,137
What the hell is going on here?
376
00:15:46,282 --> 00:15:49,614
Uh, do what now?
I said, what the hell's going on here?
377
00:15:49,681 --> 00:15:52,786
It's a... a prisoner... prisoner transport.
378
00:15:52,965 --> 00:15:55,965
Uh, taking these reefer addicts
over to Newton street...
379
00:15:56,035 --> 00:15:57,950
- Oh, well...
- For treatment and counseling.
380
00:15:57,979 --> 00:15:59,179
Nope.
For what?
381
00:15:59,219 --> 00:16:00,849
- Damn it, Floyd.
- Floyd? Wh...
382
00:16:00,932 --> 00:16:02,602
Why did he...
Wait a minute.
383
00:16:02,650 --> 00:16:05,332
- What's your badge and unit number?
- F-Four?
384
00:16:05,500 --> 00:16:06,918
What?
385
00:16:09,382 --> 00:16:11,012
Okay, you are just terrifying.
386
00:16:11,087 --> 00:16:14,364
Shut it, Mccracken.
And "treatment and counseling"?
387
00:16:14,553 --> 00:16:16,123
- Seriously?
- Floyd: What?
388
00:16:16,124 --> 00:16:18,322
I bet in the long run
it's more economical.
389
00:16:18,324 --> 00:16:20,594
Just get in the truck.
390
00:16:20,595 --> 00:16:21,923
Yeah, I'm getting in the truck
391
00:16:21,927 --> 00:16:23,597
because I choose to get
into the truck.
392
00:16:23,598 --> 00:16:26,464
- I...
- Wait! Take me with you.
393
00:16:26,465 --> 00:16:29,165
- We are.
- Oh.
394
00:16:29,168 --> 00:16:31,668
Well, then, I shall thank you
to mind your tone.
395
00:16:31,671 --> 00:16:32,671
What?
396
00:16:32,672 --> 00:16:34,072
I said...
397
00:16:34,073 --> 00:16:35,443
Oh.
398
00:16:35,444 --> 00:16:37,671
- I said, "Archer got away."
- Oh, that son of a...
399
00:16:37,677 --> 00:16:39,446
As did the Vandertunt Broad.
400
00:16:39,447 --> 00:16:41,015
What? How could you
let that happen?
401
00:16:41,051 --> 00:16:42,514
There were five of 'em!
402
00:16:42,610 --> 00:16:45,585
And I had to check my gun,
obviously, so I...
403
00:16:46,116 --> 00:16:47,584
See you didn't check yours.
404
00:16:47,586 --> 00:16:50,355
No. No, there was
so much confusion.
405
00:16:50,356 --> 00:16:51,523
Yeah, right?
406
00:16:51,524 --> 00:16:53,124
Right. For instance,
I'm confused
407
00:16:53,125 --> 00:16:54,895
about why I don't just go ahead
408
00:16:54,896 --> 00:16:56,964
and shoot you in
your stupid fat face.
409
00:16:56,965 --> 00:17:00,832
Well, for one thing...
Noooo!
410
00:17:00,833 --> 00:17:03,633
Okay, you dummy.
So tonight, right now,
411
00:17:03,636 --> 00:17:05,206
you're gonna find
the Vandertunt Broad,
412
00:17:05,207 --> 00:17:06,604
and you're gonna find Archer.
413
00:17:06,605 --> 00:17:08,105
You're gonna bring her
to Trexler's,
414
00:17:08,107 --> 00:17:09,941
and you're gonna
leave him in some alley
415
00:17:09,942 --> 00:17:11,772
With a case of lead poisoning,
just like his partner.
416
00:17:11,777 --> 00:17:13,777
You got it?
Mawp. Mawp.
417
00:17:13,779 --> 00:17:16,809
That better have been
a long-ass apology.
418
00:17:16,816 --> 00:17:19,184
Mother:
I'm sorry, what was that?
419
00:17:19,185 --> 00:17:21,152
No, just, if I had more time,
420
00:17:21,153 --> 00:17:22,723
I... I could really
tighten up my set.
421
00:17:22,724 --> 00:17:24,452
Oh, I don't know
how you'd improve
422
00:17:24,457 --> 00:17:26,627
on a solid half-hour
about Syphilis.
423
00:17:26,628 --> 00:17:27,559
- Wait. What?
- Ew!
424
00:17:27,631 --> 00:17:30,360
What I do know
is all the refunds I gave
425
00:17:30,363 --> 00:17:32,163
are coming out of your paycheck.
426
00:17:32,181 --> 00:17:34,232
- But...
- You've got a "But"?
427
00:17:34,233 --> 00:17:35,863
- I'll say.
- Zip it, Missy.
428
00:17:35,919 --> 00:17:37,968
And, come to think of it,
the refunds will come
429
00:17:37,974 --> 00:17:39,630
out of all your paychecks!
430
00:17:39,679 --> 00:17:41,339
- Damn it, Ray!
- That's some bullshit.
431
00:17:41,340 --> 00:17:43,700
And I swear to God,
if you people get caught
432
00:17:43,709 --> 00:17:47,439
- smoking reefers again...
- I'm sorry. By "you people," do you mean...
433
00:17:47,499 --> 00:17:50,014
Out! All of you, out!
434
00:17:50,681 --> 00:17:51,915
Not so fast, shamus.
435
00:17:51,995 --> 00:17:53,985
Damn it.
436
00:17:53,986 --> 00:17:56,886
Hey, not that it should matter,
but I was a Tanker.
437
00:17:56,889 --> 00:17:58,719
761st Tank Battalion.
438
00:17:58,752 --> 00:18:00,492
Wait. Patton's Panthers?
439
00:18:00,493 --> 00:18:02,693
You guys saved
our asses at the bulge.
440
00:18:02,695 --> 00:18:05,535
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, now I feel like an asshole.
441
00:18:05,536 --> 00:18:08,231
Well, can't help you with that.
442
00:18:08,234 --> 00:18:10,874
Mother: Archer! And that little
chippie of yours.
443
00:18:10,875 --> 00:18:13,030
I beg your pardon?
444
00:18:13,038 --> 00:18:15,268
- Keep it up, and you will.
- Wait. What?
445
00:18:15,274 --> 00:18:17,074
I'm not accustomed
to being stood up,
446
00:18:17,076 --> 00:18:18,814
Mr. Archer,
and yet once again...
447
00:18:18,896 --> 00:18:21,241
I know, and I'm sorry.
It's just...
448
00:18:21,247 --> 00:18:23,185
Well, she isn't
just some chippie.
449
00:18:23,186 --> 00:18:25,552
She's actually
Charlotte Vandertunt.
450
00:18:25,553 --> 00:18:28,051
I... you mean, the heiress
451
00:18:28,053 --> 00:18:31,053
to the vast Vandertunt
Publishing Fortune?
452
00:18:31,056 --> 00:18:32,456
- Uh, duh.
- Zerp.
453
00:18:32,458 --> 00:18:35,258
Then do tell.
What's a nice heiress like you
454
00:18:35,261 --> 00:18:37,791
- doing in a joint like this?
- I rescued her.
455
00:18:37,797 --> 00:18:41,067
Len Trexler and that Cop Figgis
were gonna kidnap her, so...
456
00:18:41,068 --> 00:18:43,234
How were they going to do that?
457
00:18:43,239 --> 00:18:45,235
Well, nobody knows
where she is, so...
458
00:18:45,237 --> 00:18:47,877
I'm trying to escape a
quasi-incestuous
459
00:18:47,878 --> 00:18:49,103
family situation.
460
00:18:49,108 --> 00:18:50,268
- How?
- A four.
461
00:18:50,276 --> 00:18:51,910
Eh.
Yeah, so...
462
00:18:51,911 --> 00:18:54,611
So, presumably,
the Vandertunt family
463
00:18:54,613 --> 00:18:56,513
still doesn't know where she is?
464
00:18:56,515 --> 00:18:58,955
I mean, don't know
how they would.
465
00:19:00,251 --> 00:19:01,651
Excellent.
466
00:19:01,654 --> 00:19:05,490
- Oh, shit.
- What?
467
00:19:05,491 --> 00:19:07,791
Mother: Well, then, I suggest
you wake him.
468
00:19:07,793 --> 00:19:09,393
Unless you think Mr. Vandertunt
469
00:19:09,395 --> 00:19:11,765
would rather see
his daughter gradually...
470
00:19:12,564 --> 00:19:14,064
Via the mail.
471
00:19:18,270 --> 00:19:20,900
Best... day... ever!
472
00:19:22,641 --> 00:19:23,901
Right?
473
00:19:23,916 --> 00:19:26,614
♪ ♪