[microphone droans]
Downloaded from YTS.LT
[Pablo in dramatic voice] Are you ready? Mmm. Aah.
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.LT
Mmm. Broke ba-- Homies.
[normal voice] That's goo--That's about a--
I think about a six on that one.
[dramatic voice] Are you ready? Mmm.
[audience chanting] Pablo! Pablo! Pablo! Pablo!
All right, here we go.
[normal voice] That's-- I can get by. That's--
That's a three at most. [dramatic voice] All right, hey.
[audience chanting] Pablo! Pablo! Pablo!
[as William Hung] Hi, I'm William Hung. Hello.
[normal voice] That's about a seven here.
[audience chanting] Pablo! Pablo! Pablo!
[dramatic voice] Are you ready?
[silly voice] Are you in good hands?
[dramatic voice] Are you ready? [normal voice] Yes, I'm ready.
Okay. All right, here we go.
[dramatic voice] Ouch.
[audience cheering]
[rock music playing]
Yes!
Thank you for coming out.
[imitates guitar]
♪ Yeah, the music, yeah
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah
[cheers and applause]
Yeah, so, what's up, San Jose?
Sing it, baby! Sing it!
Right there, baby! Sing it!
What's up? It's good to be here, man.
We went to, uh, San Francisco last night.
That town--Yeah, that place just off the hook.
-Party! Drinking! -[man whoos]
You gotta go to rehab after you go to San Francisco.
[high-pitched voice] Hi, my name is Pablo.
It's the lights.
It's the lights of San Francisco.
[normal voice] I saw some band last night.
I went out on a--Never go on a blind date with a chick
if you're that desperate, you know?
This chick was hot, but, like,
[as woman] "Come on, let's go out.
Let's do it." [normal voice] Go to dinner or--
[as woman] "Let's go to a concert! Let's go!"
[normal voice] "Okay, anything for pussy.
Come on. Let's go."
Get there. We went-- We saw some death metal band.
[growling in tongues]
Singer sings like, [growling in tongues]
I go, "This is pretty funny. Who are these?"
[as woman] "It's real! It's serious!
-[laughter] -Decomposure.
That's David Blood Clot from Decomposure."
[growling in tongues]
[normal voice] Do we have some of that music?
Or what was it? Was it--Play some of it.
[metal music playing] [growling in tongues]
That's like a jazzy parts.
[growling in tongues]
[as woman] "Yeah, sing it, baby."
[normal voice] Cut it off.
Yeah, he gives me, uh, his-- Gives me his album.
"Hey, man, here's our album, man.
Play it when you go to, [mumbles].
Fucking... [growling in tongues]"
And he took this song seriously. Can you believe that?
"Our next song comes from our first album.
[growling in tongues]"
"What's he saying? I don't know."
[as woman] "'Cause he's a monster.
He sings like a creature. Hell yeah!
And his goatee--They all have goatees so they look menacing."
[growling in tongues]
"Right on. That's badass.
This song's about politics in Israel.
Hell yeah."
[normal voice] "This next song--"
They're idiots, man.
"This next song is from our first album
called Fight for a Stupid Cause.
[growling in tongues]"
How do you write lyrics to that? How do you write--
[growling in tongues]
"Um, let's see here... [growling in tongues]
I don't know if I-- [growling in tongues]
Maybe...[growling in tongues]
Dude, how do you spell, [growls]?
How do you spell that? I got writer's block
and I can't do-- My musical influences are
Cookie Monster..."
[as Cookie Monster] It's cookie.
[normal voice] "Jabba the Hutt..."
[laughs as Jabba the Hutt]
[speaks tongues, laughs]
[normal voice] "My cat when it's in pain."
[screeches like a cat] "Come on!
Get it from here. Come on!"
[screeches like a cat] "Come on! [rolls tongue]
[thuds] Get out." [screeches like a cat]
[as woman] "'Cause he's a monster singer.
Sounds like a creature."
Background bassist Chewbacca. [roars like Chewbacca]
[laughter]
[beeps like R2-D2] [roars like Chewbacca]
And I got my background orchestra...
[imitates saxophone]
Bull crap.
I work part-time at Hot Topic.
[laughter]
Have you seen the freaks that work there?
I love it. Love that place.
"I wanna get a good laugh. Let me go to the Hot Topic."
Maybe I sh-- "They're gothic.
They're cool."
Have you ever walked in there? "Can you help me?"
[growls]
[screams]
"Darkness falls across the land.
The midnight hours close at hand.
Selling clothes for you to return."
Every--Every employee has, like, lip rings
or ear-- [imitates drill]
They change 'em up every day.
They don't know what hole to put 'em in.
"Uh, maybe this one today with black fingernail polish.
That's-- There's a leak somewhere."
They probably got leaks. They put their earrings in--
[air hissing]
"Where's that coming from? [air hissing]
[whistling]
[laughter]
Give me a bucket of water so I can find it.
[blowing bubbles] There it is!
Found it!
[cheers and applause] Lip rings!
They got lip rings. Like, you know, one's okay,
but, like, 12 of 'em? [thuds, screams]
"Hellraiser." [screams]
They're--Looks like a-- They look like a paper shredder
or something, you know? "You want your receipt, sir?
[imitates printer]
Your credit card's not working, man.
[imitates paper shredder]
Got a chain that goes from my eyebrow
to my ear, all the way down to my nipple.
I pull it, it flushes a toilet.
-[toilet flushes] -[laughter]
I got a silver nugget in my pecker.
[laughter]
Make it longer. Eh, nuggets.
I go through all the pain then I cover it up.
I got a silver nugget in my pe--
If I can't get it up when I'm drunk, I use a magnet.
-[laughter] -I put it on the refrigerator.
'Get some lettuce, bread, beans, milk.'"
-[laughter] -Beans. Beans?
"That's right, man, and I got tattoos, bro."
Every death metal guy had tattoos.
"Got tattoos that represent nothing.
Well, this one represents I can't hold my liquor
at three a.m. [laughs]
This one right here's dragons and skeletons
that merges into and transforms."
You, ladies, though, man.
You guys really screw up on your tattoos.
[as woman] "Oh, I'm gonna get little Japanese symbols.
[dance music thumping]
Hey, right, let's tease 'em, girls.
Come on!
Let's go to the nightclub and show how wild we are.
Come on, let's go!
[dance music thumping]
It's Japanese!"
[normal voice] "Hey, great, but I can't read Japanese."
[as woman] It means "freedom...
in Japanese."
[normal voice] "In Korean it means "kick me."
-[thudding] -[as woman] "Stop it!
-[thudding] -Don't!"
[laughter]
[normal voice] You, guys, you gotta live up to it, though.
If you got a tattoo, you gotta live up to it, ladies.
Don't just put it there. [as woman] "I'm wild,
but deep inside I'm a big wuss."
[normal voice] Come on. "You wanna party?
-Come on. What's up?" -[dance music thumping]
[as woman] "No, look, I got a test in the morning."
[normal voice] Don't be a rookie!
If you wear a tattoo-- Like Cher,
she knows how to wear a tattoo, you know?
You know who Cher is. ♪ Baby, save all your tears
-[thuds] -♪ You might need some--
[thuds] A little string up the butt.
[laughter]
♪ If I could turn back time
-[laughter] -"Like, yeah!"
She makes you feel. Like, she--like, she knows
a man's mentality.
Like you really feel like you've had sex with her
when you talk to her. Like, "Yeah, all right."
Have you seen that, uh, video?
♪ If I could turn back time
She's on that big ole boat with those Navy guys.
Every single one of them are thinking,
-"We're gonna fuck her!" -[laughter]
And she leaves them-- ♪ Blue balls
-♪ You got blue, blue balls -[laughter]
Look at that picture. [Asian accent] Oh, oh.
[normal voice] It's a funhouse.
"Make it in the mouth." Bloo, bloo, bloo, bloo.
[dramatic voice] "Come on, guys, Make it out here.
One ball in the mouth, man.
Think of all the prizes you can get right there.
Come on down here To the Fair Pablito.
Here's one. Make it in the eye."
[whiny voice] "We're going to the fair bloo bloo."
[normal voice] Ladies...
[as woman] "I'm gonna get what I'm going to do,
get the American flag."
All right, don't get Indian. Indian. Cherokee.
That is what I am going to get on my woman's bo--
"Right there. It means, 'All talk, no play.'"
Ladies, if you wanna turn on a guy,
get the Xbox controller.
-Do that. -[laughter]
[thuds]
[moaning]
-Game over. -[laughter]
[whiny voice] "Oh, bloo, bloo, blee, bloo."
Guys, if you get a tattoo, make it work for you, okay?
Like right here on your belly, get half a gun.
It's like, "What's up, man?" "Oh, shit!
Whoa! He has a gun! Whoa!"
"I'm coming in this party. What's up?"
"Whoa!"
If you have a small pecker, get a bigger pecker.
[laugher]
Get a police badge.
Get a police badge or something. You get drunk in your car,
a cop pulls you over. "You all right?"
"I can drink in this jurisdiction, Officer."
But here you go. Thank you for coming out
to the show here in San Jose.
-[cheers and applause] -Right on, man.
I'm sweaty. I'm sweating all over.
In San Jose you got that little train
that goes into downtown. That's kinda--kinda trippy.
-Bar, sidewalk, train. -[laughter]
"Let's drink. Hey!"
-[imitates train horn] -[laughter]
No guardrails, though. You have--
Like a real train you're just like...
[dings] "Watch out.
You may die if you cross this." [continues dinging]
This will just come-- [imitates train clacks]
You gotta watch out.
I saw some guy running in a suit
and his tie's caught in there. [dings]
"Shit."
"Hey, there's my friend. I wanna--
[imitates train horn]
I would use a train as-- For my advantage, you know?
"Come on, you want some crap?
What's up? Step back, man.
What's up, dude? You want something?
Let's do it! Step back!
-[imitates train horn] -[laughter]
You guys have no, like, Gentlemen's Club here.
You don't got-- You guys got, like,
non-alcoholic nude bars. That's kinda--
"I'm on my way...
to the non-alcoholic nude bar.
Round of waters for all my friends.
[laughs]
Give me an orange juice that tastes like
-melted Popsicle and spit." -[laughter]
[dance music thumping]
I know, those-- from the first album.
[dance music]
"It's gonna happen. She likes me."
-You gotta-- -[cheering]
"Hey, man, it's the non-alcoholic nude bar."
I'd rather watch my sister shower naked.
Non-alcoholic nude bar.
They only got, like, what? Coke and whatever? Water?
You bring your own juice and they get pissed off.
"Hey, what do you got, huh? You got your own juice here?
Get that outta here! What the hell?"
Or bring your own liquor. That's what you can do, huh?
Orange juice with a little bit of vodka.
[laughs]
The girls, too, they get pissed off at all naked bars.
[as woman] "It's a fantasy, baby.
It's a fantasy."
[normal voice] "Donna, where you from?
Come on, let's party."
[as woman] "No, baby, this is a fantasy.
After this song's over, okay? But the song's playing,
we're in the fantasy together."
[normal voice] "Then fantasize this $1 bill is a 20."
-[laughter] -At the non-alcoholic nude bar.
[cheers and applause]
Then we're on route to San Francisco.
Chinatown. [Chinese accent] Chinatown.
All right, Chinatown. All right.
[normal voice] Everybo-- [laughs]
Everybody walks fast in Chinatown.
[Chinese accent] Leave me alone.
-[laughter] -No, very angry.
Very sad. Very angry."
[normal voice] "Hey, can you tell me where to get--
go to a good restaurant?"
[Chinese accent] "Leave me alone."
[normal voice] Everyone's just walking fast.
Everyone walks fast in Chinatown.
If Chinatown had music it'd be...
[fast trumpet melody]
They walk fast in Chinatown.
[fast trumpet melody]
[Chinese accent] "Have to go to the bathroom.
[squishes] Okay.
[fast trumpet melody]
[Chinese accent] "Very angry."
[normal voice] How do you get directions in Chinatown?
[Chinese accent] "What you need to do is go...
[kung fu movie sound effects]
When you get to...whoa... you've gone too far."
[laughter] [fast trumpet melody]
[normal voice] They're smart though. They speak two lang--
They speak American... and Chinese.
Only when they step out of Chinatown, though.
They'll be like, "[speaks bad Chinese]
...then I got the Dobson report the other day.
Yeah, okay, let me go back there and check that out.
[imitating Chinese] [upbeat trumpet melody]
♪ Chinatown, Chinatown
My friend lives in Chinatown. Yeah, one of my best friends.
He lives there and he lives in an all-Chinese--
the all-Chinese residence and you can hear, like,
the Chinese people, like, you know, having sex.
Like, you know-- Yeah, the walls are thin.
I thought it'd be like, "[moaning] Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. [smacks, squish]
Oh, you know. [whistles, squishes, smacks]"
You know, but it's not like that.
It's like, "[speaks bad Chinese]"
"What? Are they having sex?
What's going--
-[laughter] -What's going on over there?
Are they fighting?" "That's what I thought.
I thought they were fighting, but they're really
getting it on. I swear to God."
"[speaks bad Chinese]"
They go slow and then they end quick.
"[speaks bad Chinese]
[squishes] Ahh..."
[laughter]
[East-Asian riff]
When they're done, that music comes on.
[speaks bad Chinese]
[squishes] "Ahh..."
[East-Asian riff]
Then you wanna see what they look like.
"I wonder what they look like. If they're a hot couple."
Just... [speaks bad Chinese]
'Cause of, ♪ Chinatown
Everyone looks like Jackie Chan in Chinatown.
Jackie Chan!
-Jackie Chan! -[laughter]
[dramatic voice] Jackie Chan's the nicest guy in every movie.
-[cheers and applause] -Thank you.
[normal voice] Thank you.
[dramatic voice] But everybody wants to mess with him.
[as Jackie Chan] Leave me alone! "What's happening?"
[laughter]
[normal voice] You seen this movie?
[as Jackie Chan] "What's happening?
Leave me alone!"
[dramatic voice] He's the nicest guy in every movie,
but everybody wants to mess with him.
[as Jackie Chan] "Do you want the diamonds?
Leave me alone."
[dramatic voice] He's-- [laughs]
He's been taking martial arts for 25 years.
[as Jackie Chan] "But I want no trouble.
I've just been studying punches and breaking necks,
but that's for exercise, too.
I want no-- [punches]
Leave me alone!"
[normal voice] That's every Jackie Chan movie.
[punches, groans]
"Is that the headlock kick?" [as Jackie Chan] "No."
[punches, groans]
[dramatic voice] You must make a stupid face when you do it.
[punching, groaning]
[normal voice] "He can really take on 12 people, dude."
"Bull crap."
Did you get caught into that mix?
You believe in all that martial arts?
"Bruce Lee, he's badass, man!
They put some colored paint on his chest.
Ohhh...
Oooh...
"He can really take on 12 people."
Of course he can. "Near miss.
You go down on purpose. I tell you what to do.
-Check's in the mail." -[laughter]
[as Jackie Chan] "Leave me alone!"
[dramatic voice] Jackie Chan's the nice--
[normal voice] He always says the word, "pan."
Jackie Chan always says the word "pan" when he fights.
[punches] [as Jackie Chan] "No.
[punches] A pan. No pan.
[punches] Leave me alone. Pan."
[normal voice] What? Spray-stick non-pan?
[punches] [as Jackie Chan] "No.
Leave me alone. Pan!"
[laughter]
[dramatic voice] He's the nicest guy in every movie,
but everybody wants to mess with him.
[high-pitched voice] "Hey, you, what are you eating?"
[as Jackie Chan] "I eat banana.
Leave me alone!"
[high-pitched voice] "Get him!"
[punches] [as Jackie Chan] "No! Hey!
[punches]
[high-pitched voice] "Hey, you, where you going?"
[as Jackie Chan] "I'm going to church.
-[laughter] -Leave me alone!
[groans, punches] No care!"
[high-pitched voice] "What's that noise?"
[as Jackie Chan] "I'm breathing."
[high-pitched voice] "Get him!"
[as Jackie Chan] "No! [punches]
No! Pan!" [punches]
[normal voice] Remember when martial arts were just real?
Now they just walk on water.
[Chinese accent] "Walk on water.
[laughter]
I jump four stories to kick you.
[screams, kicks]
[dramatic voice] Jet Li is all special effects.
-[normal voice] "Kill him!" -[explosion]
[as Jet Li] "Here come bullet."
[normal voice] And every--[laughs]
Every movie Jackie Chan tries to play
a different character, doesn't he?
"Shanghai Noon." "Shanghai Noon" he's an Indian.
[as Jackie Chan" "I am Indian. Hello.
How. I am Indian. Hello."
[normal voice] "He's an Indian!
I believe he's an Indian with Owen Wilson."
-[as Owen Wilson] Oh! -[laughter]
Owen's cool. [as Owen Wilson] Oh!
[normal voice] "He's an Indian!"
[dramatic voice] "Rumble in the Bronx."
[normal voice] "He's a store owner.
He owns a store. Jackie--"
[as Jackie Chan] "Leave my store alone!
-I'm cool. I'm cool." -[laughter]
[dramatic voice] "Rush Hour 2" he's a detective.
[as Jackie Chan] "Hello. Ding-dong.
Rush hour. Cover me!"
[normal voice] "He's a detective."
What's next? "Drunken Master." Have you seen that one?
[as Jackie Chan] "Drunken Master! Hello.
Ding-dong." [punches]
[dramatic voice] "Drunken Master."
[normal voice] What next?
He'll try to be a stand-up comedian.
[rumbling]
[dramatic voice] In the forbidden world of comedy,
it takes one man to change a light bulb.
He trained his black belt for the Borscht Belt.
On Amateur Night, his own government
dared not go on stage.
Knock knock. Who's there?
Jackie Chan Fight Night at the Apollo.
[punches]
[as Jackie Chan] "Knock knock. Who's there?
Beef. Beef who? Beef broccoli. Who cares?"
[punches]
[dramatic voice] He does his own stunts,
but, unfortunately, he does his own jokes.
[punches] [as Jackie Chan] "Knock knock.
Who's there? Orange. Orange who?
Orange you like me to kick your ass?
-[punches] -[laughter]
You--Your momma is so fat."
[normal voice] "How fat is she?"
[as Jackie Chan] "She's so fat her--the intestinal tract
is Great Wall of China."
[normal voice] I wrote that one yesterday.
[grunts, punches]
[as Jackie Chan] "Knock knock." [normal voice] "Who's there?"
[as Jackie Chan] "Boo. Boo, who? Cry baby.
-[laughter] -Okay. [punches]
[dramatic voice] You've probably seen all those martial arts
and their stupid styles like Crane...
[as Jackie Chan] "I stand like a crane."
[dramatic voice] Bear...
[as Jackie Chan] "I learn from bear."
[growls]
[dramatic voice] Mantis...
[as Jackie Chan] "He knows Pray Mantis.
[swooshes]
[dramatic voice] As a young child they put him
in the desert, then he learned from a praying mantis.
[normal voice] Mine would be...
[dramatic voice] Paper, rock, scissor.
[as Jackie Chan] "Paper in your face.
[blows raspberries]
Rock in stomach. [punches]
Scissor on nut sack. [snips]
[laughter]
El Molesto. That would be mine.
[dramatic voice] He molests his own opponents.
[normal voice] "Come on. Watch out.
He's gonna touch you in-- in your thingy.
Watch out." [honks]
[dramatic voice] And he dry humps.
[honking]
[normal voice] "Oh, what the hell?
Watch out.
He's gonna touch you in your dirty spot."
[dramatic voice] He's gonna touch you in your dirty spot.
[honking] Get ready for dry humping.
[whistles] He'll make them feel unsure.
[normal voice] "I'm leaving this fight.
I feel... [groans] I need a counselor."
[as Jackie Chan] "Go see Master. Go see a counselor."
[normal voice] Holy smoke I am sweating my butt off here.
-There we go. Yeah! -[women cheer]
You guys are great for coming out.
♪ Thanks for coming out to the special ♪
All right, all right. Spider-Man.
I saw "Spider-Man" again.
I just realized Spider-Man's a big puss, isn't he?
Isn't he? "Don't die, Uncle Ben.
[laughs] Bloo, bloo, blee, bloo.
-[laughter] -[incoherent babbling]
Hey, Mary Jane. [incoherent babbling]
Can I get some pussy? [incoherent babbling]
[normal voice] Spider-Man.
"Uncle Ben! Don't die!" "Peter...
-you're a pussy. -[laughter]
[cheers] And--
and you're a blocker. You're a cock blocker."
[laughs] Cock blocker.
He's a sex blocker!
That's what we call it now since it's Comedy Central.
Sex blocker!
Basically means a guy will go out of his way
to make sure another guy doesn't get intimate
with a woman. Doesn't kiss her.
Br--Doesn't, you know, messes up the foreplay.
Even the sex. He'll knock on the door
when you're in a bedroom. [knocks]
"Dude, you gotta feed your fish.
[laughter]
Yeah, dude, they're on top of the tank.
Hey, nice to meet you. I'm Brad."
Spider-Man is a big cock block, isn't he?
He's a blocker. Spider-Man is a blocker.
That's what the Green Goblin should've said to him
on top of the building when he had him gassed out.
[as Green Goblin] "Okay, Spider-Man,
I oughta squash you like a bug,
but you going around New York blocking everybody...
don't you know Mary Jane's going out with Harry?
But no. You blocking everybody.
You and the Daredevil are a bunch of cock blockers."
[laughter]
[normal voice] Yeah, 'cause any superhero could get any puss.
I guess so.
"With great powers comes great pussy!"
-[laughter] -That's right.
They do. He's Captain Sex Blocker.
[hums "Batman" theme song]
♪ Sex Blocker
[smashes] "That's right.
Look, it's a drunk. It's an asshole.
It's Sex Blocker!
Able to sex block a whole, damn bar.
"Hey, dude, you gotta pick up that wedding ring.
Where's those diapers? I thought you were gay.
Did you take care of that already?"
[laughter] "That's right.
He blocked that whole, damn bar!
[cheers and applause]
He's Captain Sex Blocker."
That's right. My roommate.
Every guy has his own technique. My roommate does, too.
Every guy-- And every guy denies it, too.
"Dude, it's bros before hos."
Or, uh, "I would never do that."
Every guy has a technique. When it's outside the bars,
my roommate would do this to me. I'd be like,
this close to getting a girl home.
I'd be like, "You wanna party?" [as woman] "Yeah, let's do it.
You're hot." [normal voice] "Okay, cool.
Let me go to the bathroom and I'll be right back."
And my roommate, "Did you know he has herpes?"
-[laughter] -[as woman] "Are you serious?
Oh, my God."
[normal voice] "I don't know you, but I care about you.
-[laughter] -Yeah, and he has herpes.
Don't look over there. He's over there."
[as woman] "Oh, my God!
I'm getting out of here. This is terrible."
[normal voice] "Hey, where'd she go?
Who did this to me?" "Captain Sex Blocker!"
-[laughter] -I swear to you.
And when you're at the house. That's the worst, yeah.
When you're at the house, that's the worst.
He'd make--You know what? Some guy--Every guy
has his own technique.
He--He makes his he makes, like, the "90120" faces.
Do you ever watch that before?
Those shows? They make that face like
they're smelling something bad. You know?
[laughter]
Is that Luke Perry? Is that how Dylan does it?
[dramatic voice] On the next 901--whatever 20...
[laughter]
Dylan's dick is one inch.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
[normal voice] You gotta smile at the end.
[dramatic voice] And Jason comes along, too.
[laughter]
He has a lot of pictures of himself.
He's a male dancer at the Stardust up in Las Vegas
and--Yeah, he leaves 8x10 pictures of himself
on the--on the-- over the fireplace!
Yeah, so girls check it out. You know, the stupid ones, too.
Like, you know... posing.
-[laughter] -Who does that?
"Hey!" The girls check it out.
"Dude, why do you do that? Why do you--
Why do you put your picture up there?"
"Because when girls come over and they see I'm a male dancer,
they get--You know, they put down their defenses, you know?"
And he has, like, really cheesy ones.
[laughter]
And girls come over and see it. [as woman] "Oh, my God.
Who is this? You are so hot."
[normal voice] "Really? Thanks."
And usually the girl once again, [as woman] "Oh, my God,
I used to be a Budweiser girl then I was a Jagermeister girl
and, you know, my boss, you know,
he has a really nice pool and he gets a photographer
to come over and take care of you."
-[incoherent babbling] -[laughter]
[normal voice] "You wanna see my portfolio?
Pablo, you don't mind, do you?
Come on, let's go in my room for seven hours."
And take her away.
I think the best way to cock block somebody--
the best way, this is what I would recommend.
The best way to block somebody, this is what you do,
burn a disc of the most cheesiest songs
so when he brings home a girl just play that music.
"Pablo, this is Brittany.
We're gonna be in the bedroom, so, uh..."
"Can I play some music so I don't hear the thumping?"
"Yeah, go ahead."
♪ Ooga chagga, ooga, ooga ooga chagga ♪
♪ Ooga, ooga, I can't stop this-- ♪
♪ Ooga chagga, ooga
[slams] "Dude, what the hell?!"
You can't hump to that. ♪ Ooga, ooga, ooga chagga
Just keep on-- Just keep playing music.
[hums "Tequila"]
[cheers and applause]
[continues humming song]
"I'm sorry."
[continues humming song]
♪ Tequila
[continues humming song]
[laughter]
You gotta time it out just right
so when you hear the bed creaking,
you put the next song on.
♪ He did the Monster Mash
[humming "Monster Mash"]
♪ I was working in the lab late one night ♪
[laughter]
[slams] "Dude! What's up, man?!"
♪ Wake up! [speaks incoherently] Make up! ♪
♪[speaks incoherently] Table ♪
-♪[speaks incoherently] ♪ -[cheers and applause]
Any System of a Down song you can't have se--
♪[speaks incoherently] ♪
[laughter]
Whatever that was.
Gotta be like '50s songs or something.
♪ Bow de ne now de ney ney ney ney ney ney ♪
[laughter]
Can you imagine someone pumping to that?
♪ Lollipop, lollipop
"I'm really sorry about this.
[laughter]
[slams] Dude, what's up, man?!"
"I'm playing music! What's the deal?"
Or put William Hung on. William Hung would be good.
[laughter]
[as William Hung] ♪ Talk to me
♪ Tell me your na...
[laughter]
[imitating Chinese]
[squishes]
[laughs] ♪ You got to
[squishes] [as woman] "Right on!
William Hung, sing it, baby!"
[as William Hung] ♪ Talk to me
[laughs] [normal voice] William Hung.
He took the American Dream and shit on it.
[laughter]
I saw-- I saw him in real life.
He really talks like that. I swear to God.
He doesn't-- And he has an ego.
He has an ego, you know that?
He like--I went, "Hey, William Hung."
[as William Hung] ♪ Don't talk to me
♪ Don't tell me your name
[normal voice] "Wait, William Hung! Wait!"
-[laughter] -William Hung. [squishes]
[mumbles] Like, we all-- [laughs]
We all played, like, the best practical joke on him.
We don't even know each other, we just...
"Do it! Fuck it.
Just say he's good. Let him sing."
"You're good, man! You go out there and show 'em!"
[as William Hung] "You really think so?
You really think I can do it?"
♪ Talk to me [squishes]
♪ Tell me your name
[normal voice] He has a Christmas album out.
-"Hung for Christmas" -[laughter]
Now he's dissin' on our--
He's dissin' on our holidays.
That's right. That's why his face is so flat.
When he went Christmas caroling they slammed the door
-on his face. -[laughter]
[as William Hung] ♪ Jingle--[laughs]
[knocks] ♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell
[slams]
[doorbell]
♪ Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer ♪
[slams]
[doorbell] ♪ Frosty the snowman
♪ He's a ding dong-- [slams]
[laughter]
[normal voice] William Hung.
Now he's coming out with another album.
This one--This one he's doing duets with famous stars.
Can you believe that?
I swear to God! Stars are lining up!
Musicians to do songs with him.
[as Aaron Neville] ♪ I don't know how much
[laughter]
♪ But I know I love
♪ So let me be
♪ All I need to know
[as William Hung] ♪ Look at the eye
[laughter]
[imitates Chinese]
[squishes] [imitates Chinese]
[as Casey Kasem] That's right...
he's William Hung. I'm Casey Kasem and now
you can hear all your favorite hits
with all your favorite stars.
[cheers and applause]
That's right, my head is so big
it's ten friends on Myspace.
[laughter]
That's right, so sit back and relax and listen
to Joe Cocker with William Hung.
[as Joe Cocker] ♪ Lowly up where we belong
[as William Hung] ♪ In a mountainside
[squishes] ♪ With a side of rice
[laughter]
[as Peabo Bryson] ♪ I can show you the world
♪ Shinin', shimmerin', splendid ♪
[as William Hung] ♪ Tell me, Ding Dong
♪ If you don't [squishes]
[as Casey Kasem] That's right, he's not from China,
he's from Singapore 'cause he sings really poor.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
[normal voice] Thank you.
[as Casey Kasem] And he also does--
And he also does the theme from Grease.
[humming "Summer Nights"]
[as William Hung] ♪ My name is William
♪ I sing at the malls [squishes]
♪ My face is flat, I can bite a wall ♪
-[laughter] -[normal voice] Come on.
-What? -[cheers and applause]
His face is flat. I swear to God.
I saw him in the Las Vegas airport.
His teeth hang out. [roars]
He looks like sand people. [roars]
-[whistles] -[laughter]
He has those teeth out. [roars]
They're off the gumline.
Off the gum-- So, what does that sound like?
Sounds like... people playing basketball.
"Man, that was off the gumline."
[laughter]
William Hung. He should market his teeth.
[English accent] "It slices, it dices,
it's the William Hung teeth.
That's right, Susan, take some carrots and tomatoes
and put it with the William Hung Chopper."
[clicking]
[as William Hung] ♪ She bangs! She bangs!
[laughter]
He's doing a Mentos commercial.
Mentos. Remember those commercials?
-[man] Yep. -[laughter]
[as William Hung] Why?
[normal voice] Mentos. They always have a happy ending.
Could be a guy robbing a bank and still have a happy ending.
[humming upbeat tune]
♪ Doo ahh
♪ It doesn't matter what comes
♪ Fresh is better with life
[gunshots] ♪ Mentos fresh, is cool
[slams] ♪ Nothing gets to you
♪ Like Mentos [gunshots]
[laughter]
Oh, thank you.
[as William Hung] ♪ Talk to me
[normal voice] He'd be a good cock blocker.
Black people don't cock block, though.
Black people don't cock block, man, I swear.
They see you with a girl, they compliment you, man.
"Yo, man, is that your girl?"
"Yeah, what about it?"
"Man, go for that, man!
Take that home!"
[cheers and applause]
You'd be in bed with your girl and they'll just come out
of the sheets. "Go for that!"
-"All right. Okay." -[laughter]
"Go for it we don't got no time!"
I swear, they write the best love songs
'cause they want to break the ice for us.
Black people-- I tell you,
black people are the most important thing that ever
happened to this country. I swear to God.
'Cause they want us to break the ice.
Even Latino songs, man, girls, like, walking--
You never know. Girls, you guys change your mind
up so much that we, you know, we try candies, flowers,
movies, diamonds.
[as woman] "I don't know. I maybe feel like this.
[quick babbling] Maybe I should...
Should I sleep with him? I don't know.
Should I? Shouldn't I?"
[normal voice] "Come on!" It's like, [clicking]
"No Whammies!" [horn honks]
-[laughter] -"Aw, she changed her mind."
Black people, man, they write every song.
They can write songs about, you know, like--
they can write songs about anything.
They can write songs about, um...
[clicks tongue] I don't know, they can write songs--
about arguing with their women.
♪ Shut up! Can't you see two men are talking? ♪
-[laughter] -They can write a song about
a transvestite and make it sound good.
♪ When I first saw you, baby
♪ I knew you were fine
♪ But you had a ding dong
♪ And it changed my mind
♪ Forget the appetizer, forget the main course ♪
♪ I knew you were a guy when your voice was hoarse ♪
♪ You got a ding dong and tits ♪
♪ Girl, you got a ding dong and tits ♪
-[cheers and applause] -Thank you.
♪ Your camel toe looks like a catcher's mitt ♪
[laughter]
No, I'm just joking. "Don't make fun of black people.
Come on, Chinese people...
What about Latinos? What about that protest?
Come on, be..."
That protest in Las-- You guys--
They asked me to be in it. [Latino accent] "Hey, dude...
-you gonna be in the protest?" -[laughter]
[normal voice] And I did. I went there.
I was driving to a topless bar
and I took the wrong exit.
The next thing you know, I'm in...[stomping]
"Mexico!" [stomping]
The longest carwash I've ever been to.
-[laughter] -[whistling]
[Latino accent] "Hey, dude, yeah?"
[normal voice] "Okay, I'll tip you, you."
Never go to a-- Never go to a Latino protest
with a 280ZX. Datsun 280ZX 'cause everyone is,
[Latino accent] "Eh, you wanna sell it?
You wanna sell it? You wanna sell it?
Hey, dude, you wanna sell it?"
[laughter]
The protest, man.
Yeah, black people went there, too, man.
They were-- They were there at the protest!
"Yo, where's the pussy?"
[laughter]
The protest, man. They get in your face, too.
[Latino accent] "Mexico!
'Meh-he-ko.'
What's up, dude?! Mexico!
Puerto Rico!"
[normal voice] "That's great. Can you clean?"
[laughter]
No! It's a joke.
They get down there. [Latino accent] "Mexico, man!
I'm proud, dude. And I'm proud of Mexico."
[normal voice] I was like, "Go back."
-"Screw that shit." -[laughter]
I'm just kidding. Come on.
"Meh-he-ko. Meh-he-ko."
They want jobs. [Latino accent] "We want jobs.
I want a job. What do you do?"
[normal voice] "I'm a comedian."
Can you see a-- I've never seen any
Mexican comedians straight from Mexico.
"Over the fence to the stage.
Give it up for Ricky Empanada."
[mariachi music]
[Mexican accent] "Okay, how you doing?
You're--[laughs]
You ready for some bumper stickers?
I'm a comedian from Mexico, I got some bumper sticker.
This bumper sticker reads, 'Jesus Saves
'cause he shops at Walmart.'
-[laughter] -[slapstick tune]
This one says, 'My other car is probably yours.'
-[laughter] -[slapstick tune]
Ha ha! Hee hee!
Ho ho! Ha ha!
This one says, 'Guns don't kill people,
my cousin does.'
-[laughter] -[slapstick tune]
Okay, the next time you wanna get a family portrait,
do what I do, take your whole family,
put 'em in back of a pickup truck,
run a red light, it takes a picture.
-[laughter] -[poofs]
You ever go to a Mexican store-- Ha ha! Hee hee!
Did you ever go to a Mexican store...
-[cheers and applause] -Yes he! Ha ha!
and they got American cereals in Spanish?
Antonio the Tiger.
[laughter]
Fruit a Lupes.
[laughter]
-Honey Nut Pendejos. -[laughter]
And my favorite, Special Que?
-Ha ha ha!" -[laughter]
[slapstick tune]
Yeah!
[normal voice] Yeah, they got-- Man, I swear to you,
some of those guys, they wear the big belt buckles.
Have you ever seen the... [Latino accent] "big cowboys."
The Latino cowboys!
[normal voice] Yeah, they walk around and that--
You know what? The sun hits that
and makes it get all hot like a skillet
and it just burns their huevos.
-[Latino accent] "Ay! -[laughter]
Ay, caramba!
[incoherent Spanish]
Huevos fritos.
[laughter]
[normal voice] They're tough, though, man.
They'll kick your ass, man.
[Latino accent] "You got a problem?
Hey, partner?
You got a problem?
Let's go. Man-to-man.
One-on-one. Me and you.
Richard! Let's do it, bro.
Right now. Man-to-man.
Richard!
Where's Richard?
He took off?
Okay, tomorrow."
[laughter]
[normal voice] I know, I just can't get into the cowboy
country thing anymore.
Everyone's ever-- Whenever--
♪ Come on, let's do the hoe [dings]
♪ Hey, come on, let's do it. Let's do our little dance ♪
♪ Sweet stink, the kind with little bells ♪
I know, it's just too--
Don't you like to get loose when you dance?
-[cheers and applause] -Country dancing...
just...[dance music thumping] "I'm free!
[laughter]
No rules!"
Country dancing, ♪ Come on, let's do the hoe
[dings] ♪ Hey, now now
[squishes] ♪ And a hoe nah nah
-[laughter] -"What? How do you do this?
I..."
You get criticized the whole time.
"Come on, step with me." "I'm trying. I just--
[incoherent babbling]
You ever see, like, a tough cowboy
walk in the bar like he's gonna kick your ass...
and he does the cheesy, country dance?
[crashes] "Hey!
You want some crap?
Right here! Right now!
Let's go! Hey, there's my song."
[imitates country music]
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
A lot of cowboys. "Brokeback Mountain."
-Did you see that? -[groans and cheers]
I know! They got it at the hotel.
I saw a little bit of it. That's all I saw.
A little!
I know. Just... [twangy music]
[goat bleats]
[dramatic voice] "Brokeback Mountain."
They were two cowboys that were straight
that went to Brokeback Mountain
that soon turned into...
-Cornhole Canyon. -[groans, laughter]
[normal voice] Come on.
[Southern accent] "Come on, I love you.
Come on." "I'm a naked cowboy.
[incoherent babbling]
And I have my boots on, but I'm naked.
I'm gonna-- I'm--[laughs]
I'm gonna get some water from the creek.
[laughter]
[incoherent babbling]
You wanna see my... [incoherent babbling]?
I'm gonna do--Water.
[incoherent babbling]"
[normal voice] They took it out of the theaters.
They did. Because they said they, uh,
that the sex scenes were...
too...[laughs] explicit.
They're in the tent. You know, "Come on, let's get--"
[spits, squishes] He put spit in his hand.
"You want some? Let's go. Me and you there.
Come on, partner. Come on. [spits, squishes]
[laughter]
Come on, we don't got all day."
[spits, squishes]
That's not butter. [trumpet fanfare]
[laughter]
Come on!
No condom? No nothing? I mean, jeez.
Did they--I don't know if they had a condom,
but they had... [spits, squishes]
Can you imagine?
Those guys chew tobacco. Cowboys.
Gets in your culo. "Hey! Aah!"
"Come on there, Steve." "Spit that out first!"
"Well, I did, but..." [spits]
"Aah!"
-[laughter] -Skoal Bandits.
"Hey, man, riding horses?" "No."
[laughter]
[dramatic voice] "Brokeback Mountain."
[normal voice] Now they're coming out
with more movies about homosexuality.
This next movie is about--
They're coming out with another one, but it's not "Brokeback."
-It's about gay gangs. -[laughter]
Gay gangs. I swear to God. Gay gangs in San Francisco.
[audience] Oh, wow.
There's nothing wrong with that. Come on.
-Hey! Here we go. -[audience groans]
[dramatic voice] Out of the closet...
into the streets...
not only were they fighting for their love...
[gunshot]
they were fighting against each other.
Gary Busey... [as Gary Busey] Hey, man,
you better watch it.
You guys are trying to get down there,
lick your quack quack and your nut sack.
[laughter]
[dramatic voice] And Danny Glover plays
a corrupt police chief...
[as Danny Glover] Yeah, put it in your mouth.
[laughter]
There you go. Put it in your mouth.
Put your black sack in my mouth, Jack.
[audience groans, laughs]
[dramatic voice] They were homies.
They were... Homiesexuals.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
[normal voice] You guys are great, man, for coming out.
[cheers and applause]
It really means something to me.
It really does.
After the show don't give me any drugs.
People like give me pot. "Do you want some pot, dude?
You look like you're really high strung, man.
Let's smoke some pot, dude!
Let's get in a circle and talk about other pot
that we smoke with other friends.
[inhales deeply] My friend got some good indo,
but this one's a little, you know, dirty.
You give me a call, I'll send you other buds
and you can look at crystals."
They got some weird drugs out there.
I went to rehab. I went to--I mean, I went to--
Anybody been there to re-- I had to go to rehab one time.
Man, my parents caught me doing drugs.
Yeah, I know-- Yeah, nice!
I guess when you're in high school and you gotta
go to rehab, you know? I was doing coke and pot and--
-Party! Party! -[cheers and applause]
I can't believe I graduated I was partying so much.
-[woman screams] -You gotta--You know--
You know how they caught me? This is the funniest thing.
You know, my parents, yeah, they left town.
You know, they went to South America.
So I was like, "Oh, that's what I..."
I was like, "Yeah, let's party." And it was my birthday.
So I go, "Man, they left town on my birthday."
So I come back and it's a surprise party
when I'm all high. "Surprise!"
[laughter]
That surprise party turned into an intervention.
[Latino accent] "Go to your room!
What is-- Why your eyes are glossy?"
[normal voice] "Shit. Can we open presents first?"
[laughter]
You ever go to rehab, that is, like,
the weirdest place to go.
They--yeah. I got kicked out, though,
after two weeks. I did!
'Cause I went there because I was having a good time.
"I like drugs 'cause I was partying!"
But, yeah, a lot of people go there there,
"My--I do drugs because my daddy
-touched me in my bung bung. -[laughter]
That's why I drink. [glug glug glug]
And my daddy touched me In my culo."
They must love that 'cause you love to party!
"My daddy touched me get the cocaine, the hookers,
and the discotheques."
I got kicked out, man.
I had this one roommate kid. "You're gonna go down, bro."
"Huh? What's going on?" "You're gonna go down, man!"
"Well, why? What's gonna happen?"
"Just making a joke out of everything."
And they take you to this AA meeting.
And, yeah, I go to the AA meeting, right?
The AA... [blows raspberries] meetings
and I get there and you have to tell them everything.
"My name is David and I am a drug addict."
And I was like, "My name is Pablo
and I sleep with David." "Whoa, screw you, man!
Screw you!" ♪ Out you go
♪ Out you go, Pablo out you go ♪
[laughter]
My roommate still does drugs.
Oh, my God, he does cocaine.
He still... gets all paranoid and shit.
"Someone's out the window."
[laughter]
I like how they get so high they look out the window.
"Someone's out there."
Like, "Dude, what's up, man? The girls are over here.
What's the deal?" "No, man, let me--
Someone's out here. Someone's out there."
"Dude, come on. Wha--What's up?"
"Dude, let go of me. Someone's out the window."
He was looking out the window so much he had a sunburn...
-of the blinds. -[laughter]
He looked like a Viper car.
So, one day I just put a mirror behind there.
And he was like, "Shit!
-[laughter] -Whoa!"
Then there's always that one guy that hears--who hears--
gets all paranoid and hears voices or something.
[heartbeat] "You hear that?
Shh, be quiet. Someone's on the roof.
[heartbeat] You hear that shit?
Shh shh. Be quiet, man.
'Member when you were at 7-Eleven,
and you heard that voice?
'Member? Shh. [heartbeat]
So, maybe that guy followed you, bro.
[heartbeat] Be quiet!
[heartbeat] Shh.
He's upstairs.
heart beats faster]
Oh, that's my heart.
-[laughter] -Oh!
You scared me, man. Don't do that!
-[laughter] -Thank you.
I did ecstasy before. You ever do that?
[audience cheers]
[laughs] Like it's cool. "You ever do that?
It's fun."
Did it in Miami. Boy, that was...
[exhales sharply] I know, I went there.
I was in between shows like two years ago.
I was like, "I'm gonna go down to this techno club by myself."
You like walk in there... [techno music thumping]
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
[techno music thumping]
"She asked me to dance two hours ago.
We're still going with this."
Those songs last so long you don't know when to get off.
You're just dancing with all 400 people.
[techno music thumping]
And everybody's high on drugs.
I guess they're on "E." They call it "E." Ecstasy.
[as woman] "E.
Are you 'E-ing?'"
[normal voice] Some beautiful girl.
[as woman] "Are you 'E-ing?'
Come here.
I wanna talk to you. Are you 'E-ing?'"
[normal voice] "No, I'm Pablo."
[laughter]
[as woman] "No, I'm serious."
[normal voice] "Yes, I'm Pablo."
[as woman] "No, are you on ecstasy?"
[normal voice] "Ecstasy? What does that do?"
[as woman] "It makes you horny."
[normal voice] I'm like, "Shit, I'm on it right now.
[laughter]
They must've slipped it in my drink when I was 12."
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
She goes... [as woman] "I'm serious!
If you want some I'll sell you some."
[normal voice] I go, "How much is it?"
And she goes...[as woman] "It's $40 and if you buy some
we'll go back to your, you know, your hotel."
[normal voice] I'm like, "Let's do it!"
So I reach in my pocket and I re--to get the money,
and I realize I'm doing a drug deal on the dance floor.
I swear to God. I swear, like--and I go,
"Man, you know what? The police could be out there."
Like undercover police. So I had to make it look like
a dance. [techno music thumping]
[laughter]
She gi--She gives me these two pills.
I swear to God and stamped on them
-is the Mitsubishi sign. -[cheers]
Yeah, I guess they stamp the drugs with, like, you know,
Superman or Mitsubishi.
And I'm like, "Mitsubishi makes this?
[laughter]
No wonder they sell a lot of cars."
So I figure if Mitsubishi really did this,
wouldn't that be cool?
That'd be great if they really did, though.
You know, it'd be like, "Would you like a mint
before you go on to the showroom?"
Be like, "Oh, I love this car.
I love this car.
I wanna hump the tailpipe. [horn honks]
It's gonna get real exhausting."
-[horn honks] -[laughter]
So I take both of these pills. Clunk, right?
-[audience gasps] -Yeah, okay, so we have
some people who've done this 'cause I didn't know
you were supposed to take one. She's like...
[as woman] "Take one now...
and in ten hours take another one."
[normal voice] I'm like...
[laughter]
"Wait, I just took both of those!"
[as woman] "What's that?"
[normal voice] "I just took both of those!"
She's like...[as woman] "I gotta go."
[laughter]
[normal voice] I'm like, "No! Come back!
Sandy, you just can't walk out of a drive-in movie."
[laughter]
So next thing you know, I'm just going to the nightclub
and the bouncer looks at me. "Yo, ma!
Yo, man, are you okay?" And I walk up to him.
"I just took two hits
of Mitsubishi ecstasy."
"Are you serious? Are you serious, man?"
"Yes, I just took two hits of Mitsu--"
"I'm over here, man." "Yes.
I took two hits of Mitsubishi ecstasy."
"Aw, man." "What's gonna happen?"
"You either gonna go to jail...
or you gonna die,
but the good news is
you gonna feel really good."
I'm going, "Please. What do I do?"
"How long did you take it?" "Ten minutes ago."
"Ten minutes ago?!
Then you at least got 15 minutes before it kicks in.
You gotta be in a hotel or something."
So I'm like, "My hotel is like, you know,
eight blocks away."
So I figure, "Okay, I'll go.
K.I.T.T., I need you, pal. K.I.T.T."
-I get into my car, right? -[woman] No!
Yeah, I didn't--it was a Hertz. You know, I didn't want--
-[woman laughs] -Yeah, I--I didn't want it
-to get towed. -[laughter]
So I'm driving and I see my hotel room, but it--
South Beach is packed with people.
I'm going two feet every five minutes.
[engine rumbles, horn honks]
"Get the hell out of the way...
before I have sex with all of you guys...
in a conga line!" [techno music thumping]
[women cheering]
I'm driving and all of a sudden this warm feeling...
[rumbling]
"Something warm inside.
♪ A whole new world
[rumbling]
[evil laughing] [horn honks]
[slurred speech] "Get the hell out of the way!
-[laughter] -[evil laughs]
We'll kill the unicorn tonight."
I'm trying to change the radio station
and I'm changing myself.
[mumbling, horn honking, static]
[laughing, cheers and applause]
It is, like, the most craziest fe--
I get into the hotel room. [slams]
"Give me some coke or something.
I'm starv--"
Right? I'm watch-- I'm so horny
I'm watching the porno and I try to hump the TV.
-[whistles] -[laughter]
I was watching it so much even the people in the porno movie
are looking at me like I'm weird.
-"What the hell?" -[laughter]
If you're on two hits of Mitsubishi ecstasy,
the feeling is like having a-- [laughs]
an orgasm every two seconds for six hours.
You're just walking around... "He!
Ha!
Ho! [squishes]
Ho! [blows raspberries] Ho!"
I was having sex with this girl and I sounded like Mr. Magoo.
[as Mr. Magoo] "Oh, you know you want it.
[babbling]
[slaps] [babbling]
Oh, yeah, Magoo, you did it again."
[laughter]
It's like having an orgasm for six hours straight.
It just--The only problem is you're walking around
-with the face... -[laughter]
Then you try to smoke marijuana with it, you know?
That's when you start really thinking of the stupid shit.
[inhales deeply]
"Chicken pot pie...
those are my three favorite things.
[laughter]
-I think--"Thank you. -[cheers and applause]
Think of weird stuff, man, when you're on that stuff, man.
Be smoking. "Viagra. Old people should use Viagra
so they don't roll off the bed."
[laughter]
Cocaine. [laughs] Miami.
That's where "Scarface" is at.
[dramatic voice] "Scarface" in Miami.
[normal voice] I'd like to see something crazy.
You get all wasted, you were like get--
You know when they-- You get the double DVD box set
of "Scarface" and you see, like, the most craziest shit.
[dramatic voice] You've probably seen Al Pacino
as Tony Montana. Now, on double DVD
see footage you've never seen before.
See Tony Montana do a drug deal with Kermit the Frog.
[car engine rumbles]
[as Tony Montana] Okay, the money stays in back, okay?
If I'm not back in 15 minutes, something's wrong, okay?
Okay, let's go.
[footsteps]
[knocks]
-[as Kermit] Hey-yo! -[laughter]
Hola! Hola!
Uh, entra. Entra.
[as Tony Montana] Hey, it's okay if my friends
stand outside to know that everything's okay?
[as Kermit] Sure, come on in!
This is, uh, Miss Piggy.
[as Tony Montana] Hello, Piggy. Hello.
[laughter]
[as Kermit] And I am Kermie.
[as Tony Montana] And I'm Tony so...
Grover says, uh...
that you okay.
[as Kermit] That's good. So, uh, do you, um...
have the money?
[as Tony Montana] I don't know, you got the stuff?
[as Kermit] Not with me now, but it's nearby.
Ah, it's in the car, huh?
[as Tony Montana] No, it's not in the car.
You want me to go outside? We'll try again?
[as Kermit] Where you from, Tony?
[as Tony Montana] What difference where I'm from?
You stop messing around, frog,
and get to damn business, okay?
[as Kermit] I just--I just get my stuff at Sesame Street.
[as Tony Montana] Oh, yeah? Well, can you tell me how to--
how to get to Sesame Street?
[laughter]
-[cheers and applause] -[normal voice] Thank you.
Next stop, New Orleans.
[dramatic voice] Gotta go to New Orleans.
[normal voice] New Orleans. That's a weird one. New Orleans.
That's a strange town... after Katrina.
Katrina! Doesn't even sound evil.
Katrina! Kat--
I think they would've left if it had a different name.
You know, Katrina doesn't sound scary.
It's like, "Yo, man, Katrina coming?
Shit! Suck my dick!"
[laughter]
We should've called it... [dramatic voice] Scorpio.
Hurricane Scorpio.
[normal voice] "Scorpio coming. Yeah, let's get out of here.
Man, shit."
New Orleans. I was--Like, I don't know.
I was in a hurricane near Florida.
It was called Hurricane George.
Hurricane George!
Hurricane--That sounds like a pissed off, gay hurricane.
Just comes into town. [wind blowing]
"Stupid trailer!
[laughter]
Damn car! Get out of here!
Who's ho--Who's dog is this?
In the damn ocean?!
-[laughter] -Stinker!
-I'm blowing everything." -[laughter]
[dramatic voice] New Orleans.
[normal voice] New Orleans, man, they make
the grossest food there, too.
They do! I mean, what? Cajun food?
That's made of-- What is that?
Latin food rules the earth. We all know that.
-[cheers and applause] -Yes.
Cajun food, man, they just get all--
they get drunked. Like, alcoholic.
"Hey, you hungry? Let's cook it up right here.
Let's get some jambalaya rice and some hot dog wieners
and add some beer and a milk carton of whiskey.
Add a--[crunches] What the hell was that?
A snail? Put it in there.
-[laughter] -Drink it all up.
Swish it in your stomach, puke it out,
-call it gumbo." -[laughter]
Gumbo does look like puke. I swear. Doesn't it?
[dramatic voice] It's like eating backwards.
[laughter]
[normal voice] Everything's in tobaski, too.
They put everything in tobaski.
[dramatic voice] That's right, we marinate it in tobaski,
we deep-fry it in tobaski oil,
then we smother it in tobaski.
That's right. Then we hickory smoke everything
with our breath. [exhales]
[laughter]
[normal voice] They eat that food everywhere.
That's right, they'll eat it in--
in their damn taxi cabs when they're driving.
This guy, big 'ole belly.
So I go, "What is that smell?"
[dramatic voice] It's delicious. Them Cajun
[normal voice] Just eating it with a fork.
[dramatic voice] Yeah!
[normal voice] His belly's so big
every time we went over a speed bump
his belly would hit the horn. [horn honks]
[laughter]
[horn honks]
[cheers and applause]
What game did I play the other night?
I played a game. I played a video--
I played the "Grand Theft Auto" game.
You familiar with this? "Grand Theft Auto"?
-You're familiar with the game. -[cheers and applause]
I never seen anything so evil and fun
at the same time.
It's a guy running through town...
Yeah, just killing everybody.
Like, getting jumped by Haitian gangs,
doing drug deals,
getting hookers-- and he wants his money back.
[laughter]
All to, like, '80s music.
So I'd like to do--
Yeah, and he's running through a fake town.
He's running through a fake town called San Andreas.
If we could do it in a real city,
with a little help of my friends...
we're gonna try one tonight. This one's gonna be...
Grand Theft Auto in... San Francisco.
Hit it!
["I Ran" by A Flock Of Seagulls playing]
[cheers and applause]
[indistinct mumbling]
[punching]
[blows raspberries]
♪
[punching]
♪ I walk along the avenue
-[indistinct mumbling] -♪ I never thought I'd meet
♪ A girl like you
♪ Meet a girl like you ♪
-[punching] -[cheers and applause]
♪ With auburn hair and tawny eyes ♪
♪ The kind of eyes that hypnotize me through ♪
[gunshot]
♪ You hypnotize me through
♪ And I ran
-♪ I ran so far away -[knocking]
-[women cheering] - ♪ I just ran
♪ I ran all night and day
Hey, thanks a lot, everybody!
♪ I couldn't get away
[gunshot] Good night!
[rock music playing]
[cheers and applause]
♪
[audience chanting] Pablo! Pablo! Pablo! Pablo!
Pablo! Pablo! Pablo!
Pablo! Pablo! Pablo! Pablo!
Pablo! Pablo! Pablo!
[cheers and applause]
Thank you.
Very nice of you. Thank you so much.
♪