(music) Thank you for being a friend
(music) Traveled down the road and back again
(music) Your heart is true
(music) You're a pal and a confidant
(music) And if you threw a party
(music) Invited everyone you knew
(music) You would see
(music) The biggest gift would be from me
(music) And the card attached would say
(music) Thank you for being a friend (music)
[Door closes]
Hi, Ma. Oh, something smells terrific. What is it?
Spaghetti sauce. Here, have a taste.
Mmm. Delicious.
Delicious? This is the reason your father and I got married.
Girls, do you realize it has been eight days since I've had a date?
Do you realize it's been eight days since I had...
Ma, please.
Whatever it is, keep it to yourself.
That's my problem.
I don't understand.
I just don't seem to be able to attract as many men as I used to.
Maybe it's just the beginning of the end.
Maybe I'll never have another date again, as long as I live.
Don't be ridiculous. Not you, Blanche.
[Blanche] You're right. I am being ridiculous.
If anybody never has another date, it'll probably be you.
Thank you, Dorothy. I feel so much better.
[Rose] Hi, girls.
Guess what I'll be doing for three hours
every Tuesday and Thursday night?
Cutting up your black pantyhose
and putting on an Amos 'n Andy puppet show?
No, but what a great idea.
Terrific, now you have something to do on Wednesdays.
Okey-dokey.
Do you know that promotion I was up for at the counseling center?
Well, I found out I can't have it unless I become bilingual.
Oh, no, honey, don't do that.
No job is worth having to date women.
Blanche, "bilingual" refers to a person
who speaks more than one language.
Oh!
Why'd I think it was something sexual?
That's why I signed up for a Spanish class at night school.
That's a wonderful idea.
Men go to night school. Smart men.
And nothing turns me on more than a smart man.
Unless maybe it's a stupid man with good hands.
Rose, count me in.
- Dinner's ready. - What are we having?
- [Sophia] Spaghetti. - Italian food?
No, Rose, actually it's Chinese food.
- [Doorbell rings] - I'll get it.
[Rose] Now that I'm taking Spanish,
I'm gonna totally immerse myself in the culture.
From now on, I'm only speaking Spanish.
I'm eating Spanish food, I'm wearing Spanish clothes,
and I'm re-reading the covers of my Julio Iglesias albums
really, really carefully.
Dorothy, Stan's here to see you.
Hi, everybody.
[Groaning]
Sorry to barge in on your meal.
It's all right. Would you like some spaghetti?
- It's delicious. - Did you make it?
- No. - I'd love some.
Are you here for a reason or did you come for free food?
Ma, please, the man is a guest in our home.
What the hell do you want, Stanley?
Well, it seems the IRS
found a few discrepancies in my tax returns.
So I think we may have a slight problem.
Stanley, we have not been together for a long time.
Your tax return is your problem.
Not exactly. They've decided to go over the returns
for the last few years, and a few years ago, we were married.
Babe, I'm afraid we're being audited.
What?
- He said, "Babe, I'm afraid..." - I heard him, Rose!
Just relax, Dorothy, sometimes they just randomly audit people.
It doesn't mean there's a problem.
There's a problem.
Oh, that's too bad. Pass the meatballs.
Dorothy, I take total blame for this.
I know it's a bummer, but no matter what comes down, we're in this together.
[Stan] I won't know till we reconstruct our finances,
but I figure we probably have to pay a small fee.
That doesn't sound so bad.
Unless we get a prison term.
Don't worry, I'll come by tomorrow night,
we'll sit down and go over all the receipts.
- Pass the... - I will not.
Now get out, Stanley.
Calm down. I can eat it plain.
Well, gotta go now. See you tomorrow night.
I can't believe this is happening.
Our whole married life, I was so careful about money.
And all the time, Stanley had his hand in the cookie jar.
In the olden days, the Vikings would cut off your hand
if they caught you stealing.
They'd cut out your tongue if they caught you lying.
They'd cut off your feet if they caught you trespassing.
Too bad there wasn't a Viking around when Stan knocked you up.
That means "Hello Dorothy" in Spanish.
You've really taken command of the language, haven't you?
Si. That means "yes."
Gee, Rose, if I closed my eyes, I'd swear I was in Ecuador.
Sorry, that was me.
Okay, Rose, I'm ready for class.
You look like you're going to a cocktail party.
Well, gracias, honey.
[Doorbell rings]
Hi, it's me, Stan.
Come on in. Oh, so thoughtful of you to bring garbage.
These are my tax receipts. Our future is in this bag.
How appropriate.
- Hi, girls. - Hi, Stan.
Blanche, you look great in that blouse.
Are those new? I mean...
Is that new?
Stanley, you naughty boy.
When was the last time somebody gave you a spanking?
Vegas.
Come on, Blanche, we don't wanna be late.
Oh, darn, I keep forgetting.
I'm not supposed to speak English.
Being bilingual really gets me confused.
Ziploc bags get you confused.
- See you girls later. - Adiós.
Sophia, you look younger than ever.
Thank you, Stan.
That's a beautiful toupee you're wearing.
There, now we're both liars.
Okay, Stan, let's get this over with.
Yeah, well, okay, here's a copy of the tax return.
We'll go over each deduction individually
and document it with a receipt.
Okay.
What the hell is this?
Oh, uh, that... It's a business loss.
- I made a bad investment. - What investment?
You never told me you were investing.
Well, I actually wasn't planning to, but...
I knew this was a money maker the minute I laid eyes on it.
I'm talking tie bibs, babe.
Tie bibs.
Yeah. Little bibs that fit over your necktie.
You go out to lunch, you don't worry about staining your tie.
It's a perfect gift, a great idea.
And the best part was, no one else had ever thought of it.
To this day, I don't know why I couldn't sell them.
[Yelling] Did you ever hear of napkins, Stanley?
Hey. So I didn't make the cover of Fortune.
I was just trying to do something to make things better for us.
All our friends were moving up,
and we were stuck with a one-way ticket to Palookaville.
I wanted to be someone, babe.
I wanted to be a contender.
Stanley, did you just rent On the Waterfront?
You know me so well.
No, I don't.
What is this $2500 deduction for a gift?
This is a receipt for the diamond ring
that you gave me on our 38th wedding anniversary.
I know.
You spent $2500 on me?
Yeah. Figured after 38 years, you deserve something major.
Listen, I know we've had our differences,
but you've always stuck by me when it really counted.
I'll always love you for that.
Oh, thank you, Stanley.
Stanley, what are all these deductions
for a Corvette and a rented garage?
Dorothy, don't get mad.
And don't hit me if you do.
I kind of bought a Corvette without telling you.
You bought a car without telling me?
I was going through a mid-life crisis.
So was I. I gave myself a perm and took up Jazzercise.
[Yelling] You bought a car without telling me?
How can I explain it?
When I sat behind the wheel, people noticed me.
People paid attention.
That car was a chick magnet.
That is it, Stanley. That's it. Get out.
[Yelling] Get out of my house. Get out of my life.
What about the audit?
We can get into trouble. We could wind up in jail.
Good, good. I want you to go to jail.
And I want a big bald convict named Bubba
to pick you for his girlfriend.
Dorothy, you don't mean that.
The hell I don't. This is all your fault.
Look, it doesn't matter who's to blame here.
We're in this together. If you don't wanna cooperate,
- you're gonna be hurting yourself. - You're right. And I hate you for it.
What's all the racket?
Oh, nothing. I could just murder Stan.
He bought a Corvette without telling me.
Why are you complaining?
Your father did things without telling me.
How do you think I got pregnant with your brother Phil?
Just remember, I'll handle everything. I'm a salesman.
I deal with people. I know what I'm doing.
Shut up, Stanley.
Mellow out. Once we get in there,
we have to exercise psychological control.
- That's why I'm wearing this suit. - You make me sick.
Hey, everyone knows good guys wear white.
This suit subliminally tells the auditor I'm a good guy.
I could vomit just looking at you.
Mr. And Mrs. Zbornak, step into my office, please.
Watch me work my magic, babe.
Good afternoon. I am Wendell Murray. I'll be conducting your audit.
Nice to meet you. I'm Dorothy Zbornak.
This is my ex-husband, Stanley.
Wendell. Paisan.
We're going to jail.
What did you call me?
Before he answers that, let me reiterate,
we are bitterly divorced.
Relax, Dorothy.
Wendell, I called you "paisan."
Friend, brother of the scalp.
If I may get philosophical for one moment,
I've always believed we bald men are like any other minority.
- That's why we have to stick together. - Who you calling bald?
Nobody, nobody.
Just shut up and put your hair on.
Yes, dear. Wendell, if I may call you Wendell,
did I mention that I'm a member of the Rainbow Coalition?
Mr. And Mrs. Zbornak, may I remind you
that as an employee of the IRS,
it is my sole obligation to see that the government
gets all the money it has coming to it?
- And I'll bet you do a fine job of it. - Thank you. However,
I have no personal stake in this whatsoever. Is that understood?
- Oh, yes. Yes. - You bet, my man.
Then cut the crap, paisan.
You know, folks, I've been at this job almost four years now,
and in that short time I can honestly say
I have never seen such an inept, clumsy, downright stupid attempt
to avoid paying income tax.
Thanks. That means a lot coming from you.
I can also honestly say that I'm amazed the way this lays out,
you only owe a small amount.
- You're kidding. - No. $5000.
$5000... We don't have that kind of money.
Uncle Sam doesn't like to hear that.
Aunt Dorothy doesn't enjoy saying it.
We'll expect you each to cough up $2500 in 30 days.
What if we can't?
We'll put a lien on your bank accounts, property, and your salaries.
And if that doesn't work, we'll just have to incarcerate you.
Oh, my God. We're going to jail.
That's right, Stanley.
Please, let me know where you and Bubba register for your china.
Rose, honey, what are you still doing up?
Studying for my Spanish test.
Like somebody else I know should be.
Don't strain yourself. Here.
Blanche, these are the answers to the test.
Where did you get these?
I'll give you one guess.
You slept with the teacher.
Of course I didn't sleep with the teacher.
You have to be very careful these days.
I promised I would if he gave me the answers.
I call it "safe-teasing."
Well, you can just have them back.
I've only cheated once in my life.
- I vowed I'd never do it again. - Couldn't handle the guilt?
No, I got caught.
Oh, it was the worst experience of my whole life.
St. Olaf was rocked by the scandal.
What'd you do, shortchange somebody down at the feed store?
Worse.
I fed BB's to my prize lamb, Harlan,
so he'd weigh in heavier at the county fair.
Oh, my God, Rose. How do you sleep at night?
I knew it was wrong all along, but I wanted to win first prize.
And I would have if Harlan could have held it just a little longer.
Boy, did you just miss a real gem.
Poor Dorothy, what are you doing up again?
I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes,
I see Uncle Sam going through my purse.
Worried about the money you owe the government?
No, Blanche, I'm worried about whether Michael Jackson
will be able to buy the remains of the Elephant Man.
Really? Gee, I'd be worried about the money.
Does anyone around here ever go to bed?
I can't sleep, Ma.
I can't work, I can't eat.
All I can do is think about how I'm gonna raise the rest
of that 2500 bucks.
- I wish I had it, pussycat. - Oh, I know, Ma.
If you had it, you'd give it to me.
Don't put words in my mouth. I said, "I wish I had it."
I've put away a little money, Dorothy.
It's not nearly enough, but you're welcome to it.
Oh, Rose.
I could lend you a couple of hundred.
I'd planned on putting it toward my cruise to the Bahamas,
- but what the heck? - Oh, thank you, girls.
I'll just buy a couple of Harry Belafonte tapes.
I really appreciate this.
And limbo under the clothesline.
- But I can't accept it. - Okay.
I only have half of the 2500.
And since I don't qualify for a bank loan,
I'm just gonna have to sell some of my stuff.
Hold it. No daughter of mine is selling her stuff.
It's a sin, it's a crime, and let's face it, Dorothy,
lately you can't give it away.
Ma, I'm talking about selling some of my belongings.
I called a couple of pawn shops
and I'm gonna check them out tomorrow.
I'm wonderful at bargaining. I'll go with you.
- Me, too. - Oh, thanks, girls.
Oh... You know, I can't believe this is happening.
I was so careful about my finances all my life.
I thought that by now I'd have some sort of security.
And here I am, flat broke.
I know what you mean.
I never dreamt I'd be single and working at this age.
I never dreamt I'd be this age.
Let me tell you girls the three most important things
I learned about life.
Number one: Hold fast to your friends.
Number two: There's no such thing as security.
And number three: Don't go see Ishtar.
Now girls, listen.
Listen.
Remember, the way to make a deal is we state our price,
stick to our guns, and undo another button on our blouses.
Blanche, that is ridiculous.
Unbuttoning my blouse is not gonna get us a better deal.
You are absolutely right. Don't touch yours.
Rose and I will unbutton ours.
Hi.
Please, don't hurt me, just take my money.
I'm sorry. I think I got my verbs mixed up.
Thanks a lot, lady.
So, what do you want?
I would like to pawn a few things.
- You got a lot of things here. - Yeah.
So, uh, how much will you give me?
$100 for everything.
- Oh. - Wait a minute.
Sir! I am shocked at your insensitivity.
May I point out to you that this is no ordinary pitcher?
This pitcher was carried thousands of miles
across the ocean by her great-great-grandmother.
A woman who came to this country in search of a better life,
as have done millions of immigrants throughout history.
Why, this pitcher is a symbol of freedom.
This pitcher is a symbol of liberty.
This pitcher was made in Taiwan.
Well! Maybe they stopped off at the Ellis Island gift shop.
The point is, this pitcher is worth
a considerable amount of money.
Lady, that story is worth more than the pitcher.
In fact, except for the ring that you are wearing,
nothing that you brought in here is worth anything.
- How much for the ring? - $800.
Oh, I couldn't pawn this.
- $900. - Take it, Dorothy.
[Stammering] No, I couldn't, it...
This is the only nice thing that Stan ever gave me.
- $1000. - It's also the only valuable thing.
- Hock it. - I can't.
$1200. My final offer.
No, this isn't for sale.
I mean, there are some things that have no price. I...
This means a lot to me.
My husband gave it to me after 38 years of marriage.
And after 38 years of marriage, he also dumped you
for a 23-year-old stewardess
with firm thighs and perky breasts.
You got yourself a ring, muchacho.
- [Blanche] Hi Dorothy. - Hi.
What are you two doing here? I thought you had Spanish class.
We do but we're not going. We dropped out.
What about your promotion at the counseling center?
Oh, I can just forget about that.
Norwegians are notoriously bad at Spanish.
I guess that's why there are no herring tacos.
And it was a big waste of my time.
There was only one cute guy there.
And he kept doodling the name "Kenny" in his notebook.
[Doorbell rings]
- Hi, Dorothy. - Come on in.
I have the check for my half of the money.
- Hi, girls. - Hi, Stan.
Hi, Stan. Where's your hair?
Oh, damn. I never should have opened that sunroof.
This just isn't my week.
Here you go.
Thanks, Dorothy. Uh, Dorothy, uh, listen.
I, um... I'm really sorry about all of this.
It's all my fault.
Here.
A little something for you.
My ring.
I didn't want you to sell it. Not like this.
- How did you know? - I called while you were out.
Sophia told me what happened, so I went and bought it back.
Stanley, you didn't have to do that.
I wanted to do it, Dorothy.
Because, in spite of everything, you're still the best.
I think I'm gonna cry.
Honey, don't do that. Your eyes will get all beady,
and your nose will swell up like Karl Malden.
Wait a minute, if you bought the ring back,
how did you come up with the money?
Sold the Corvette.
- You didn't. - Yeah, it was tough.
I had great times with that car,
but the times I had with you were a hell of a lot more important.
Oh, Stanley. I'm so sorry.
Me too.
[Chuckling] I guess I became what I always feared most:
Another middle-aged bald guy who drives a Toyota.
Oh, Stanley, this...
This is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
Rose, honey.
Let's go down to Riley's and see if we can meet some men. Come on.
- Come on. - Okay.
If you're taking Biscayne Blvd., keep an eye out for my hair.
We, um, really pulled it out of the fire, didn't we, babe?
We sure did.
It felt nice, you and me, working as a team again.
It did feel nice.
Reminds me of when we were first married.
We sure had some good times.
So, as long as I'm here, what do you say, for old time's sake,
you wanna go to bed?
[Pained] Dorothy! Dorothy, let go, it was a joke.
You're hurting me. You're really hurting me.
5@y3