Eeeeh!
Stella!
Hold it.
What?
Ah!
Yes!
Hello, everyone, and welcome to Taskmaster!
In just a few moments,
you will witness the trials and tribulations of five comedians
as they tackle tasks for me - Greg Davies,
or, as I'm also known in certain circles, 22st of prime marbled beef.
But th...!
Those awaiting judgment go by the names of...
..David Baddiel...
..Ed Gamble...
..Jo Brand...
..Katy Wix...
..and Rose Matafeo.
And sitting uncomfortably next to me is a man, who naked,
looks like a weird ill monkey.
It's little Alex Horne.
Hello, Alex. Hello. Hi, Greg. You all right? Yes, I'm very well.
How are you? I'm looking forward to assisting you. I love assisting you.
Oh, great. I love chatting to you and you assisting me.
Great. Well, cos today I've got a special assistant's drawer.
Oh, good. I've got... What have I got?
What sort of stuff...?
I've got lots of cotton buds, in case you get clogged again. Yep.
'JO LAUGHS Clogged again. Clogged again.
You might get clogged again. Yeah, I might get clogged again.
I've got dry wipes in case you get wet,
I've got wet wipes in case you get dry. Yep.
I've got, erm, little nail scissors,
I've got bigger nail scissors with crimping things, if you want
'sort of more... exotic nails. Yep. And I've got gas and air because of your body situation.
My body situation?
'Right, so let's crack on with the prize category today, please, Alex Horne.
OK, it's the one that should really prove itself by the end of the show
'because we've asked them to bring in The Best Thing To Celebrate With On A Stage. OK?
It's five points for the best one
and then five big celebrations at the end of the show.
Jo Brand, what do you thing the best thing to celebrate with is on stage?
For me, the best thing to celebrate with on stage is a person.
And as he can't be here today,
there is a life-size cardboard cut-out of him. OK.
And his name is Andy Robinson and he's a stand-up comedian
and I've toured with him for about 17 or 18 years.
He's the nicest man in comedy.
And I mean that, Greg.
There he is. Look at him.
Aw, that's nice.
That's just celebrating on stage with some cardboard, isn't it?
Well, it's a representation of his spirit.
So, his spirit is cardboard?
'I'll tell you something about Andy Robinson - he once infiltrated a cult. True.
Really?
It wasn't him, actually, it was a cardboard cut-out of him.
Now, then, David.
Well, I think the best thing to celebrate with on a stage is this.
OK. Now, admittedly...
..admittedly, it might seem a downbeat thing to celebrate with,
but I thought you could add to it this.
You see?
And then this. Right?
Yeah! And then put it together -
you have a street party with an open-top bus on stage.
Lovely! That's cool. That's great.
'And for those members of the community who have to use a mobility scooter,
I'm sure that'll give them a real lift.
So far, two things to celebrate on stage with
have been really great. Katy?
It's going to... It's about to get better. Woo!
Um... what better way to celebrate on stage
than with a candyfloss machine?
There it is. It will be on stage at the end of the show.
Is it a great thing to celebrate with?
I tried to thing of something I hadn't seen anyone celebrate
with on stage, but that I'd like to see someone...
You know, it's an action, something to do with your hands. Yeah.
There's Beyonce taking her final bow, whipping up a big pink one.
I thought it was a bit of a camp laugh.
Just paint a sit... It's a camp laugh. Paint a situation for me
where you would celebrate with that big camp laugh, though.
Like Wimbledon, something like that?
Federer wins his ninth Wimbledon. Yeah.
He runs round... Football. ..and he gets his racquet...
Great. Any, like, ball-based sport, anything like that.
So, Rose, can you possibly do worse than any of these people?
I have brought along all of the accoutrements you would need
for a ribbon-cutting ceremony.
So I have over-sized scissors,
ribbons, and, I think, staunchons?
Stanchions. Stanchions. Sta... Yeah, I knew that.
Er... stanchions.
I think this would be a really good thing to celebrate with because,
say you're a meer, you know... Meer?
A mayor? Mayor. A mayor.
That's closer to a meerkat than a mayor.
You're the meer. All right...
That's quite nice.
I think it just adds a certain amount of ceremony to it.
Like, if you're opening a new library, it's, like,
'it's not a celebration until you've got a ribbon and a big old pair of scissors.
Listen, listen, that's supposed to be the best thing to celebrate
with on stage. Yeah. Why am I opening a fucking library?
'Oh, you've got to celebrate opening a library. You've got to celebrate...
Not on stage! I love libraries.
Are we erecting a stage for me to go and open a library?
OK. Well, you know, chill out.
One left.
Errrr... Ed Gamble! Hello.
Hello. Erm, I have brought the best thing to celebrate with on a stage.
Yeah. I've made it myself.
It's what I like to call my Confetti Cannon Party Pants.
Here they are.
Right.
How sensitive is it? Does it go off very easily?
Once you get used to it and become more experienced, you know,
you can release it exactly when you want to.
Yeah? Great.
Any follow-up questions, Greg?
Nope.
If you came on stage with that, I would be celebrating straight away.
You've all done well, so I'm not going to give anyone one point.
Right. OK? OK.
Cos I'm going to put Katy and Rose with two points.
Joint fourth.
I like David's bus because he took the trouble to staple a bus
onto a mobility scooter
and I think it's probably a very positive message somewhere...
Somewhere.
Four points I'm giving to Jo,
just because I want to make sure
that Andy Robinson doesn't get upset.
With five points, because I want to see all sparks
and things flying out of his willy -
Ed Gamble!
Let's get a proper task on the way...
OK. ..you sweet, sweet baby. Well, thank you.
Thank you, Daddy.
OK, this one features water.
Hello, Rose. Hi.
Have a stand on the compass.
Oh, compass, yeah.
I can't see a task thing.
Brilliant.
Thank you.
I can see you as an Elizabethan washerwoman. Thank you.
You're welcome.
I thought we were going to turn.
I was just thinking, "How is this going to move?"
Make the most striking water feature.
You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now.
Ah!
'A water feature involves a continuous flow of water, doesn't it?
Is there a hose?
Yeah, there is a hose. I've seen it. Do you want me to get you a hose?
Yeah. But I'd like it attached to something. Attached. Yep. OK.
Got it? Yeah.
There's an interesting contrast in the reaction... Yeah.
..to Ed's reaction.
Because you were disappointed that we hadn't constructed a giant
turntable underneath the concrete so that you could revolve around.
Yeah, I think for a moment I thought
I was, like, in the film Labyrinth or something.
Whereas Ed saw some paper come through a mangle
and was delighted by it!
David became a really boring teacher.
I wrote it down.
"A water feature involves a constant supply of water."
"Ugh, Mr Baddiel!
"Can we go out and play?"
Come on, tubeheads, let's see some action.
Our first water feature film stars Rose Matafeo, Katy,
and - it's everyone's favourite Brand - Jo.
Here we go.
Do you have a hose I can use?
Where is it? Do you want me to go and get it for you?
Yes, please.
That attaches to a water source.
Yes. Thank you.
I think what I'm going to do is do a water feature in the sink.
Oh. Oh, this is a bit more complicated than I thought, Alex.
Well, what I'm going to do now, is I'm going to pour water...
Here it comes!
It's... SHE LAUGHS
..uh, striking.
I don't really know what's going to happen.
So, here we go.
There we go. While you drink your cup of tea,
and you listen to the gentle tinkling sound
of a child's wee.
It's a little bit uneven,
but it sounds nice.
I mean, I should add more stuff to it.
I can't hear you very well because it's raining very hard.
It is, isn't it?
Yeah.
I mean, I feel like I'm the water feature, you know what I'm saying?
Can I have a bit more water, please?
A bit more, please.
Here it comes.
It's going to go into bloody space!
Oh, my God, it's going to explode.
There it goes.
Is that your striking water feature?
Yep. There she goes.
Look at that, that's beautiful.
Wow.
I think there's not much coming out of this duck.
No, it's OK, oh...!
It doesn't make a very relaxing noise at the end.
It was really great up until the point you revealed
that you were pouring a child's urine through it
'and that it collapsed, but it was really spectacular up until that point.
'Yeah, I thought it was working really well. I quite like the bit at the end. Yeah.
And I thought yours was a fairly powerful metaphor, Rose,
for what humanity's done to the planet.
Yeah. That's what it was supposed to be. Have I read that right?
Absolutely. Yeah?
Um, now, then... Now.
..talk about promising big things and not delivering.
Mine had, um... Mine had meaning.
The clattering in the shed... Yep.
..I was thinking, "This is going to be incredible, this thing."
And then you came out with a piggy bank with a hole in it.
Yeah. You must have been...
I did it with a big knife.
Then you stuck the hose in and I thought,
"Oh, she's back in the game here"
"because that pig is going to explode."
By the end it had a good old... good old height on it. No.
It was a squirting pig.
I think the way the thing...
I managed to get it standing upright was quite clever, with gravel.
'Oh. That's true. That really helped. Yes. Yes. Without that, it would have been bad.
Oh, no, you're right. Cos for a second, I thought you just bashed
a hole in a piggy bank and stuck a hose in it.
Ooh, two water features to go,
but you're going to have to wait for them. Sorry!
Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Alex, can you remind us what we've been watching?
Yes, please. Yes, please!
The current task involves making the most striking water feature.
Which is why Katy used a piggy bank, Jo piled up some crockery
and Rose found a Wellington boot.
But there's hope now in the form of David and Ed.
Right, let's see what we've got.
What are you going to do, Ed?
OK, so, what we need to do is a fountain.
Probably using the bath, I suppose. OK.
Elevation is key.
Have we got any other funnels?
Have we got any other funnels? Yeah.
You can make a funnel.
No, that's not what I want.
OK, well, stand in the bath.
You want me to stand in the bath? Yeah.
Well, also I want you to be like a...
You, know, like a Greek god.
Can you take your top off?
Yes. OK.
How do you feel about...
..popping your top off?
I don't like doing it.
I want you to take your top off for the water feature.
Just... Don't take your trousers off.
No, I wasn't going... I was just loosening that bit.
Is there a pitchfork? I think I've seen a pitchfork.
How much hair do you have on your chest?
More than you'd think. OK.
Ooh.
So can you look like, sort of, like Neptune?
Hold that like it's a...
Oh, yeah. Like that.
And look... A faraway look in your eyes.
Yeah that's... that's brilliant.
Is that Neptune-y?
No, that looks sort of Russian.
Could you hold these...?
Yep.
Crown.
'How's it going to come out of both? Well, this is what I'm trying to work out, Alex.
Just putting this in for detail. OK.
Am I doing the right thing? You look sexy.
Have you got any spare trousers?
Well, I wasn't planning to spray any of the water out of me.
Oh, fine. You're just top off? Yeah.
Oh, I... The top off's really solidarity. Right.
Oh! Yeah, that's going to happen, mate.
Strap in, you're a mermaid.
OK, can you do the faraway look? Put that on your head.
That's disappointing.
Shit.
There you are. That's kind of better.
What do you want me to do?
Just look... look faraway eyes.
The sea, the sea, the waves.
I don't know why I've got my top off.
So, here's how it's going to go. You're going to spray some
water out your mouth when I give it to you
and then you're going to sing, ♪ Ah, ah, ohh, ah, ahh, ah, oh
♪ I am a mermaid who lives by the sea
♪ Why won't a sailor come visit me? ♪
Right? OK.
Go.
♪ Ah, ah, ohh, ah, ahh, ah, oh
♪ I am a mermaid who lives in the sea
♪ Why won't a sailor come visit me? ♪
There you go. Look at that.
That's perfect now, you see.
Yay. The crowds roar.
Perfect.
Thank you, Alex.
Cheers, mate.
Ed!
There we go.
Thank you, David.
I'll take this back to the kitchen.
I mean...
I mean, we barely need to discuss it.
One of the most triumphant things I've seen.
That beautiful merman.
Just one boob... One boob spraying.
We were trying for a while to get two boobs going, weren't we, Alex?
YOU were trying for quite a while. I was trying for a while.
We decided that... You decided.
I decided...
I decided it was preferable to have a strong jet from one
rather than a dribble from both.
I couldn't agree more.
As soon as he went into the shed, he went, "I know what to do,"
with very grim determination, and then set about it.
Whereas, David's felt like it was more on the hoof.
Well...
Whilst I enjoyed the final image, this is what it put me in mind of.
It put me in mind of two middle-aged blokes...
Yes. ..who have told their wives
that they're going to be building a water feature
so that they can enjoy openly homoerotic fun.
It was a water-feature-based Brokeback Mountain for me.
Yeah, no, we fell in love while it was happening, as far as I remember.
You fell in love.
"Oh, no, it looks like my top's fallen off as well.
"Oh, whatever will our wives think?"
OK, look, let me give out some points.
I don't think it's that difficult. Right.
I'm going to go least striking water feature... Yes.
I feel guilty about doing it because
the preparation sounded so spectacular.
Oh, here we go. But the least striking water feature for me
was Katy's dribbling pig. So I can only give her one point. OK.
I apologise. Fine.
The second least spectacular, striking water feature, for me,
because it utilised household equipment, I'm giving Jo two points.
Right. Two to Jo.
And because of its powerful metaphor...
Ooh. ..I'm giving Rose three points. OK, now, then...
And now, David's hot, sexy bit of water feature gets four points.
And, obviously, the one-boobed, jet-propulsion mermaid
takes five points!
S to the C, to the O-R-E.
Scoreboard, please.
OK. Well, first of all, I can tell you the series scores
at this stage, it's exciting.
We have joint fourth place, Jo and David both have 48 points.
Katy's got 56.
Rose has got 57.
Ed has zoomed up into the lead with 62 points.
Zoomed.
Currently, Katy's in last with three
and Ed is in the lead with ten points!
There we go.
A maximum. A maximum ten.
Full marks for little Gamble.
OK, so, do you have something more sociable this time?
More sociable. I do, actually.
I have a sociable task and it's a team task so it's double sociable.
And here it is. Mmm.
Oh, hello, Jo. Oh, hello, Alex.
Hello, Alex. Hello, David.
Hello, Ed. Hello, Alex.
Hello, Katy. Hello.
Hello, Rose. You remember my name, this is awesome.
Oh, it's Rose.
Is opening the task the task?
Ooh. Woo! Oh!
Bring a classic board game to life.
Best real-life board game wins.
You have one hour.
Your time starts now.
Right. I love it.
What, erm, board games do you...?
Well, not one that everyone will think of.
'Let's all say a board game at the same time and see if we're thinking the same thing.
A classic we want to bring to life. Right, three, two, one.
Cluedo. Chess.
Let's rule out Snakes And Ladders... Mm-hm. ..chess.
KerPlunk?
Oh, yeah. Jenga?
Buckaroo? Mouse Trap?
Mouse Trap's good.
And another one called Operation Seelowe,
which was about the Nazi invasion of Britain.
Can we do that one?
Yeah, so... Jenga, Operation. Oh, Operation's quite funny.
What about that one Don't Wake Dad?
Don't Wake Dad.
But what about the one that's like a medical one?
What's it called?
Operation. Operation with, like...
And you have to take out a liver and a spleen from a person.
Happy memories.
I don't like keeping drawing a distinction
between the two age groups,
but it does fascinate me that the three younger people were,
like, getting all excited, listing game, after game, after game,
and the first thing that David mentions is a game that
no-one's heard of about the scourge of the Nazis.
Yeah, Operation Seelowe.
It was a war game in which the Nazis invaded Britain or,
as a Jew, it was a nightmare that I once had.
I'm not entirely sure. One of the two.
Amazing that you knew Operation Seelowe
but couldn't remember the name of Operation.
A board game will be brought to life right after
the following really, really, really, really great adverts!
Hello!
Welcome back to Taskmaster, it's good to have you here.
Yes, and important. Viewers are very important.
Board games, then.
First of all, we're going to see the team of three,
that's Rosie, Eddy and Kate.
Here we go.
One, two, three.
Well, this is a mighty fine-looking donkey here.
I wonder if it can take the weight of my little fiddle.
Well, look at this disgusting sandal.
It's got Velcro on it, which is ideal for my purposes.
Well, you can't forget old Grandma's rolling pin.
Uh-oh, the donkey sounds mighty agitated.
Angry, angry eyes.
Y'all gon' fishing.
Here comes the wine rack.
Watch your ears.
A wooden spoon.
A horse on a donkey.
A horse next to a violin.
I suppose the only thing I've got is the playability element of it
because Buckaroo, which I didn't have as a child,
because my mum selfishly wouldn't buy it. It's OK. But some of my...
Some of my wealthier friends did have it.
It had a spring system...
Sure. ..and so in the original game,
you two would be nervous about when the Buckaroo was going to kick.
This was very much on the whim of the donkey.
But we brought... It said bring it to life. Bring it to life.
You know, we didn't have a spring because we had an actual person.
If you wanted a playable version of Buckaroo,
we could have just bought Buckaroo.
Yeah. Yeah.
I just think you should've attached some sort of spring system to Ed
so that he wasn't in control of when...
How do you know there wasn't one? I am the spring system!
Yeah, he's the spring system.
Yeah, but you're a conscious being.
Oh, I'm so sorry!
'The original... You are right, the original had three sensitivity levels
that were adjustable via a switch under the saddle.
Yeah, there was nothing like that.
I've got three sensitivity levels.
And I'll be honest, I'm on my top fucking one right now!
We've had one attempt involving a donkey and a wine rack.
Here comes David and Jo's attempt.
So, I'm going to go for your kidney.
OK.
I think you did it without touching my body so...
Right, I think I did.
I'm going to try a challenge now. OK.
So, one point to you, was that, Jo? One point to me.
OK, I'm going to go for butterfly.
BUZZER WAILS Ow. Oh.
Really hurt.
Ow! My brain fell off. Oh.
No, I'm afraid... Oh, no.
Oh, God, this is going to be hard.
Whee! That's all right. Yeah, you've done it. Yeah!
Hang on, am I left with anything else?
Surgeon extraordinaire.
Thank you, David. Swift recovery, I hope.
See you later. Bye-bye.
Well, I've got a lot of questions here.
I'm going to ask the first one to Jo.
How soon was it into the task
when David volunteered to take his clothes off?
About two seconds.
Incredible, isn't it?
I've got a question for you now, David. Yes.
Why were you hitting yourself so hard?
I don't really know why.
Well, possibly because part of the homoerotic experience
of this show is to hurt myself.
I haven't really worked that out.
What, for me, was so charming about the game
is that you'd so painstakingly replaced the organs of the body
with child-friendly things - a butterfly, a cauliflower,
oh, and of course an actual kidney.
This is a very tough decision for me, I'll tell you that now,
cos I thought they were both excellent games.
You know, it's not like me to cop out but I am going to cop out.
I'm going to give them both three points,
that's what I'm going to do, I can't separate them.
Woo!
What's next?
Well, we've got one more task.
And this one's All Because The Davies Loves Tray. Ready?
Hi.
Hello, Katy. Hey. Hey, tray.
"Say a letter of the alphabet."
Thank you.
"Put the most things beginning with the letter
"you just said on this tray."
'"The tray may not leave Alex and Alex may not leave the lab."
'"Most things beginning with the letter you just said on the tray
'"in five minutes from now wins."
'So, can I go walking about?
'All right. Bye.
'I might just not come back but I'll have a look.
'OK, then. Thanks, Jo.
"Say a letter of the alphabet.
"You have ten seconds.
"Your time starts now."
A letter of the alphabet.
"Ha-ha-ha.
"You must now pick a letter of the alphabet
"and say that letter out loud."
You must be so proud of yourself that that worked.
That's a mistake, wasn't it?
Bollocks.
You had an unfortunate experience with little Alex Horne,
didn't you, Ed?
I genuinely panicked and I didn't know what we were supposed to do, so
I panicked and said, "A letter of the alphabet."
Yeah, and he threw it in your face, didn't he?
Threw it right back in my face. By predicting your little joke.
'I only had the envelope in... Just for you. I knew it was going to be you doing it. Did you? No, really?
'He did predict it would be you that did it as well. You might like to reflect on that.
Doesn't excuse him getting all cocky, though.
Alex, you should tell someone if you're being bullied.
You can tell someone.
I don't care. Why are you telling me?
I didn't mean that. I'm horrible.
I'm horrible.
You fell into a little trap, then, didn't you? I did, yeah.
Good. That's him back in his box.
Come on, let's see some stuff.
OK, well, these two both went for B.
Let's see what they gathered, it's Jo and Katy.
OK.
That doesn't begin with B.
Do they have to be all different things?
All the information's on the task, Katy.
Oh, shit.
These are biscuits.
OK? Yes.
Just trying to count them.
Bread.
These are birthday candles, OK?
And you're sure they begin with B?
Yeah, cos they're birthday candles.
You've got one minute, Jo!
OK.
baby's head, bottle.
Butter. Mm-hm.
Ten seconds, Jo.
Box.
A bag.
Here's a box. Another box.
Bra?
Only got five seconds.
Takes everyone longer than that.
Even the pros.
What do you mean by pros?
Tell you after.
I was not surprised that Jo didn't come and go
because she has minimised movement during this whole competition.
She went round, she gathered her things. Bam! There.
I thought if I went twice, I might have to call an ambulance.
All her things, also, were beginning with B, I think.
Bread, banana, brush, bottle, butter, bog roll.
Happy with bog roll? Yeah. So what was her total?
136 things or 9 different things.
Oh, no, we'll count the 136. Let's get that straight, straight away.
Right, OK.
Which means that Katy got 168 if you include the 66 birthday candles.
Well, if you have bog roll, you've got to have birthday candles. OK.
Course you have. Cos it's loo roll. One follows the other. Yeah.
Good. And I obviously enjoyed watching Alex squirm
when pros were raised at the end.
Well, she was threatening to take her bra off in ten seconds.
I thought it was fun flirting, it wasn't threatening.
So, these boys can take... David Baddiel can take his top off...
Yeah! ..and she can't flip her bloody her bra off.
I blushed at that as well.
Hey-hey-hey-hey! I'm all for Katy whipping her bra off.
Do you want to see some more? Yes, please.
OK, we're going to see E with D and R with P.
How many's that?
Is that my job?
No, it's not. It's my job.
Dinner plates,
disposable gloves.
Hi, Rose. Hello.
Pimm's. Oh, that's a nice combination.
Dextrose tablets.
Each of those is a thing and that's dextrose packet.
Diabetic equipment. Pardon?
Diabetic equipment!
Pipe.
It's a tube, fuck.
I'm a stickler for the rules.
Drinks holders. Drinks holders?
Yeah.
Petals.
Diet sodas.
Would you count this as newspaper or paper?
It's up to you.
Just count that as paper. No.
Dips, dairy.
Dask. Pardon?
Dask. The dask.
Thank you, Rose. Thank you.
Peas, petals, Pimm's and paper. Yes.
I mean, strong from both people, obviously.
The peas, what an opener. You've got to be pleased with the peas.
I was trying to, like, follow some rules cos I have...
I feel like I've got a moral compass and I...
Not like these clowns.
Well, I mean, drink receptacles for... I mean, that's...
Drink receptacles, my sweet ass.
But I just... I got... I wish I'd put newspaper on there, that's all.
But, you know... She did put 25 sheets of paper... Yep.
..30 petals, one bottle of Pimm's, 250 peas, so it's...
Whoa!
Erm, Ed. Hello.
Well, let's just strike drinks holders right off now.
How many would it have been if I'd been allowed drinks holders?
Loads. 111. Fine.
Victory or nothing, right? Fuck it. I call 'em cups.
Yeah.
That's it for this part but come back for some big stage celebrations
and David Baddiel scrabbling about with things beginning with Q.
Hello again!
It's part four, and you know what that means?
No, it can't be. It is.
Really? Really.
Recap time!
So, before the break, the contestants picked a letter
and then had to go and fetch as many things as they could
beginning with that letter and pop them on my tray.
David Baddiel picked the letter Q.
Here is his attempt.
So, I don't think I made clear, when I did this show,
I filled in a health form, cos I sometimes have a speech defect.
So this is a quamera.
That's how I pronounce it.
Quanana, quorange, quapple,
tape queasure. Pardon?
Queasure, I pronounce queasure. But you're calling that a tape queasure?
It's a tape queasure, yeah. But beginning with Q.
Queasure.
Quorange, another quorange.
Quck, quock.
How do you spell clock?
Quock? C-K. Quock.
Q-U... That's how I pronounce it.
I know it's spelt C-L-O-C-K but I pronounce it quock. Hmm.
Actually, that's wrong, isn't it?
I spell it like that, too.
Quiraffe, quaby with a leaf in its head,
Queg Davies, Qualex Horne.
Quow, quenis.
And this is what Americans call quoffee.
I think I've won that one. Do you?
Yeah. Your speech sounds better now.
I think I've quon that one.
Qwell.
Thank you, David. Thanks.
Well, stop the press, I'm going to allow quoffee.
Thank you very much. The rest of it was quap, wasn't it?
The quappest thing we've seen.
'He was unlucky. I mean, he missed... There were quite a few things around the house. Were there?
In the fridge there was quail eggs, quiche, quince,
half a quesadilla, and genuinely...
What? You put special Q stuff in the fridge in case someone picked Q?
We thought someone might pick Q.
And there was also 60 packs of Quavers, just so you know.
60 packs of Quavers? Yeah, and if you'd emptied them out...
Oh, my God, if you emptied those out
it would've been thousands of Quavers.
Yeah, but he would have gone, "Quisps."
I feel terrible.
So David gets one point,
two for Ed, three for Jo, four for Katy
but Rose Matafeo, with a pure entry, gets five points.
Let's take a glance at the scores.
OK, well, it goes 10, 11, 12, 13,
but at the top is Ed Gamble with 15 points.
Whoa!
Will you please vacate the area?
Head to the stage for the final task of the show!
Who will read the task out?
David Baddiel's going to read this one.
Throw your things far but not too far.
Taking it in turns, you must select a thing
and throw it beyond the line but not off the runway.
If your thing does not end up in the safe zone, you are disqualified.
If all objects end up in the safe zone,
the person who has thrown their thing
the shortest distance is disqualified.
You may not manipulate your things in any way before throwing them.
Last player standing wins.
Got it. Have you? Yeah.
You pick a thing, you've gotta get it over that line
but not off the thing. If you get it off the thing, you're disqualified.
If everyone gets their things within the safe zone
then the person who's thrown it the shortest distance
over that line is eliminated, and we keep going and picking a new thing
until everyone's out apart from one person who's the winner of the task.
Correct.
They applauded but I still didn't understand.
It's like an educational video
showing the collapse of the human mind.
They've got a swimming noodle, an egg, a birthday card
and a grain of rice. OK?
Oh, I chucked the grain of rice, I thought it was dirt.
OK, on the whistle, please choose your first item and hold it aloft.
One, two, three.
OK. Egg, egg, rice, egg, noodle.
That's the order. Let's play.
OK, it's Ed to throw first.
Remember the shortest distance,
if they all make it into the safe zone, is disqualified.
Go on, Ed. Thank you.
It's a crazy choice.
Oh, what?!
Whoa!
Absolute bullshit!
And good luck!
You thought you understood but you didn't.
David, look at what you're holding!
No, I've worked it out from your mistake.
Mate, that is bouncing, wherever you throw it.
The old rubber egg, eh?
Ed.
In second place it's Rose.
If you can come to the throwing spot and hurl your noodle, please.
I'll just warn you now, that noodle is made entirely of egg.
Oh, Goddamn it!
Could not be shitter.
And next up, yes, it's Jo to the oche.
With her grain of rice.
It's safe!
That's rice tossing!
And, Greg, it's egg time again as we welcome David Baddiel to the oche.
Thank you very much. It's Mr Rubber Egg.
Oh, no!
Yes, yes, go!
That's going to collapse. That will collapse. That will collapse.
Wow.
He's out! Get out of here!
Get out! Come on.
Oh, my God.
The final throw is Katy with another egg.
Oh, my God.
Go on, Katy! Thank you.
I'm just...
You can do it.
I'm worried that this is haunted like that one.
She's out!
Right.
Well, it's the final.
So, these three have got one point.
These two will have either five or four points. Yes.
So, when the whistle blows, please select your next item.
One, two, three.
Lovely. Noodle v rice.
Classic.
It's gonna be Rose to throw first.
The young pretender, Matafeo.
Rice on!
Oh, lovely! Lovely.
Oh, lovely.
Where did it go? I can't see it.
You've got to throw beyond that... Yeah. ..but not beyond that to win.
OK.
You join us here, the atmosphere electric...
She's out.
Four points to Jo.
Well done, love. Well done.
Rose Matafeo!
Right, come down, we'll add that to the final scores!
Well, it's not very often that a new international sport is created.
So, all the people who took the Ed Gamble at the beginning went out,
gets one point.
Ed, Katy and David. Correct.
Then we had the final. Jo got four points
but the winner was Rose Matafeo, who got five points.
And I've got the final scores, do you want to see who won the episode?
Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-es!
The winner with 18 points...
..was Rose Matafeo!
Rose Matafeo is tonight's winner!
Please head to the stage to celebrate
with the best possible thing to celebrate with!
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that sometimes it's nice to just turn off your telly,
gather the family round, and have a good old game
of stopping the Nazi hordes from imposing their evil will
on the entire world.
See you next time for more nice times.
And now let's applaud tonight's winner again.
It is, of course, Rose Matafeo!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media