How do I look?
Good? Cool?
Whenever you're ready.
Electronica isn't just music for me.
That beat is like my heart sound.
And I became a DJ
because of one man:
DJ Slizzard.
And this is his story.
But mostly...
it's my story.
Thanks for the fluff, DJ Bear Dick.
Dilly-dilly, fam!
Brisbane, give it up for DJ Fingablast
and a hologram of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.!
I have a--
♪ Beat, beat ♪
♪ Beat, beat, beat... ♪
I was on top of the world.
I had mo' money
and fewer problems, yo.
And I had something almost as important as money.
Love.
That smokestack right there
is my girl,
Hello Hadid, the third Hadid sister.
Hey, guys, how amazing are pennies?
Her eyes are the sexiest
'cause she's super allergic to her mascara.
We met having sex at a vodka launch party.
True love, brah!
I knew I had to lock that ish down.
Oh, man. I'm so nervous, but pumped.
She's gonna love this. Shh.
Hey, Lo. I'm not good at talking about my feelings
'cause of my childhood,
so I let my music speak for me.
So what do you say, babe?
Will you marry me?
No homo?
M'kay.
Yes!
Boom!
But who was gonna DJ my wedding?
Who could DJ my wedding?
We gotta get this party going, if you don't mind.
We got the follow-up hit to the Baha Men's "Who Let the Dogs Out?"
That's right, it's...
"When Let The Dogs Out?"
♪ When let the dogs out? ♪
- ♪ When, when, when? ♪ - That's right.
- ♪ When let the dogs out? ♪ - ♪ When, when, when? ♪
- ♪ When, when... ♪ - This guy's the king!
Hey, uh, bartender?
Think the DJ could get another one of these juice boxes, please?
That'd be super.
Excuse me, can I ask you a question?
Sure, baby.
What do you wa-- Oh, man.
You're a boy. You sound just like a chick.
You know that's why they hire adult women to play boys in cartoons?
- Bart Simpson's a girl? - Yeah, he is.
Well, you were awesome.
And when I grow up, I want to be like you.
- Well, you're gonna need a weird penis. - Okay!
Um, do you have any tips for kids who want to be DJs?
Oh... uh...
yeah, sure. You know...
uh...
don't do drugs...
on an army base.
Stay in school...
for, like, five years too long,
'cause then you're way bigger than all the teachers,
and then it's your school.
Get the limbo line to come to you, 'cause then you can see up stuff.
Know what I mean?
Who could DJ my wedding?
The answer was obvious:
DJ Slizzard.
Little did I know...
I didn't know what I was in for.
DJ Slizzard was the only man on Earth
who could spin at my wedding.
But where was he?
Hey, guys! DJ Slizzard is north Indiana's only DJ for all your party needs,
from sweet 16s
to dirty 30s
to nasty 90s!
Additionally, I am the proud possessor
of The Guinness Book of World Records for highest FPM in Grundel County.
So I flew to Indiana
and set up a camera at the airport.
Then I flew back to New York
and got on another plane to Indiana
so I could get this footage of my plane landing.
This here is Slizzard Country.
Here we go. This looks like it's it.
Hey, hey, hey!
You boys on private property!
You better watch it!
I know some karate videos I can throw at you.
Whoa, whoa, bro, I'm not looking for trouble--
only treble and bass.
And the guy who used to live here.
Who? Dick Wayne?
Dick Wayne must be DJ Slizzard's real name,
which explains the D.
But where did the J come from?
Boy, what are you staring at?
Do you know when Maestro Wayne'll be back?
Man, that dude is long gone.
So, legally,
all of his hairbrushes are mine...
even if some of his relatives come around looking for them.
DJ Slizzard is dead?
He's in prison.
Forever. Ever.
Ever.
I'm sorry.
Forgot to take my medication this morning.
Orning. Orning.
Orning.
DJ Sliz, in priz?
It didn't make any sense.
I mean, DJ Slizzard is the legend who brought the air horn to the Midwest.
That's right!
Get it up, get it up, get it up!
Just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you cannot dance.
Let's go.
What do you think he did?
There's only one thing I can think of.
His beats must have started a shorty fire on the dance floor.
Cause of death? Fire burns.
Beats that sick gotta be illegal.
You're under arrest.
It's the only explanation.
And yet, it also wasn't.
Well, the little stinker in tonight's Naughty Neighbors Nook
is Richard Wayne Gary Wayne.
The Durnsville resident and adjunct professor at Trump University
was apprehended earlier today after acting weird at a Walmart.
I need these tampons because I am a woman,
and I wanna swim with confidence.
Okay, sir.
Karate!
Karate! Karate! Regular punch!
Just kidding. That was karate.
Care to explain this key we found at your house, Dick?
It's labeled "bunker," comma, "girls."
So? Girls are keys.
Everyone knows that.
'Cause they love rings, and they'll poke you in the scrotum
if you sit on 'em wrong.
Everybody knows keys are boys! Locks are girls!
What's in the bunker, Dick?
They look like women, but they stink like hogs.
Fifteen years in an underground bunker explains some of it.
The world's still here!
This is the bomb!
After all that time together,
we're pretty synced up.
Library.
Melissa Joan Hart.
Razzmatazz!
Ah, the "Macarena." Wonderful.
- Remember when Dr. Evil did it? - Ay!
I think I should get out of the sun now.
I'll just be in the bunker.
Do you have a mirror?
Oh. No, sorry,
I asked for a mirror,
not a picture of an old Irish witch.
Tabby Bobatti, you were the Reverend's live-in girlfriend,
but you didn't know what was happening?
Well, it's healthy
to have secrets in a relationship.
He doesn't know about half the yarn I buy.
You were his fudging girlfriend?
Well, it's hard to find a tall guy.
Oh!
Richard Wayne Gary Wayne was sentenced today
to three counts of white kidnapping
and one count of "oopsie, no bueno."
How could someone who created so much beauty
be responsible for such butt ugliness?
How can I get married without a kick-ass DJ?
And also,
was I skipping stones wrong?
To answer that question, I consulted champion stone skipper
Damar Varnish at his estate, Rockswater.
No.
You've gotta...
side-arm it.
Like that.
My other questions,
only one man could...
...should, and would answer them.
Richard Wayne. Who's this?
Oh! This is him.
Uh, hello, sir. This is Douglas Fingerbur--
DJ Fingablast.
I wanna talk to you about why you're in prison.
Hang on, this is a dude?
'Cause this whole prison deal is kind of a sausage fest.
Anyone who visits better be ready
to put something I don't have on the glass.
Boobs, butt--
Wait, you don't have a butt?
My hero doesn't have a butt...
but I do.
And if I'm ever gonna meet him...
I gotta catfish DJ Slizzard.
So I made a fake Facebook profile
that was sure to get his attention.
This is all for us, babe.
I'm cold.
But then
I learned something from a rerun of CSI: Miami
that I was unable to get the rights to.
He won't be liking any more pictures of corpses on Facebook.
Because prisoners aren't allowed to use Facebook.
♪ Yeah! ♪
I printed Karen's page and mailed it to DJ Slizzard.
For authenticity, I also included a pair of ladies' underwear
that I rubbed on a small dog.
Let's do this.
DJ Slizzard, here we come.
Well, well, well, Miss Sorrento.
Me likey.
Now, uh...
why don't you put something on the glass?
Chef's choice.
Omakase!
You need to put something on the glass for me first:
answers.
Oh, man.
Another catfish?
Shoot.
I worshipped you, man.
How could you do something so sick?
And not good sick, like sneakers you wait in line for.
Bad sick, like when they found E.T. in that stream.
What's going on with the camera?
Oh, I'm making a documentary.
- About me? - No, it's about me
needing a DJ for my wedding.
Stupid. Why would anybody
wanna make a... a movie about ole Dicky Slizzard, right?
Only thing I've ever been good at is manipulating people.
Hey, don't say that. You were also a great DJ.
Yeah, I were.
I mean, it's hopeless for me.
For somebody to get my case reopened,
they'd have to be really smart,
have to have some money,
bunch of cameras.
They'd have to have a...
a visitor's pass to this prison.
I mean...
Good luck, Dick!
I'm out of here, man.
- Sliz, wait. - What?
Could I really get your case reopened?
Like, is that a real thing?
Adnan from Serial,
Staircase guy,
Dr. Richard Kimble...
they all had their cases reopened because of a supersmart documentary
that didn't leave anything out.
And that's when,
all on my own,
I came up with a new idea for what my documentary should be about.
So I started looking into it.
And this whole thing...
didn't make any sense.
I mean, have you even seen these "Mole Women"?
There is a reason that they're named after the least attractive insectivore.
To quote my personal hero
and, oh, I don't know,
the President...
Take a look. Look at her.
You tell me what you think.
I don't think so. I don't think so.
Believe me,
she would not be my first choice.
That, I can tell you.
Look, DJ Slizzard is hot--
as hot as the hottest insectivore.
Did the Mole Women match up?
It was horrible.
And I missed, like, ten Olympics.
It was only nine, Miss Schmidt.
Now are you ready to be honest with us?
Hi, Donna Maria Nuñez?
I'm DJ Fingablast. I'm making a documentary.
- How old are you? - Huh?
Show us the birth cert!
I didn't know that the monkeys who work in my factories
- were underage. - No, how old are you?
BunCo Bunkers' five-year warranty is void
in the state of purchase. 0% APR financing intended as a joke.
Product not endorsed by the Peyton Manning who plays football.
FYI, my fantasy bunker...
Copperfield-era Claudia Schiffer,
two Maria Menounoses,
and one of them pomegranate juice bottles.
Bam, bam, buh-bam!
DJ Slizzard, I'm starting to think...
- you didn't even do it. - Hey, look,
you're the documentary guy. I'm just a kidnapper. Just a... reverend.
I-I'm just a...
I'm just an American DJ.
If you didn't do it, who did?
You know what? Why don't you ask yourself this:
who stood to benefit...
from this guy being locked up?
Like Hillary should've been.
Think about it.
I mean, I did have a rival.
DJ Traphouse.
Another DJ?
As one of our own, I couldn't believe
that one of our own could do this
to one of our own.
And with you out of the way--
Oh, to him fall the spoils
of my... Golden... Kingdom:
three p.m. slot at Slappy's Pizza;
signature banter,
like, "Wake up, fatties, it's time to boogie";
and my antique buffalo-horn and boar-bristle hairbrush collection.
I finally had a lead.
You need to find DJ Traphouse.
I had to find DJ Traphouse and get him to confess.
Then Slizzard could J my wedding.
But no matter how much I drove around,
I couldn't find him
or get him to confess.
So I gave up, did ayahuasca in a cemetery,
and it led me straight to Traphouse's current address.
Hey, he's here.
My hero is in jail,
and the only person who could free him is dead.
And I still don't have a wedding DJ.
So I went back to the only place
where I'd ever truly felt safe:
Rockswater.
- More sideways. - Okay.
That's it.
Then everything went
from bad...
...to, "Oh, no, you didn't."
Hey, everyone. I said m'kay.
#pennies.
Do you accept a collect call from Grundel County Men's Prison?
Yes, I do.
What do you mean, you're "out"?!
You're leaving me hanging, like my cellmate who couldn't take it.
Sliz, there's no point.
I don't need a DJ for my wedding anymore.
You're like the Drunk History guy.
You got Tiffany Haddish right here,
and you're making this about you?!
She dumped me like a poop, bro.
Bleep-bloop!
She dumped me like a poop, bruh.
There was nothing left for me in Indiana,
so I took my airport camera and went back to New York.
Where's the off switch?
Oh, there it is.
Why?
I don't wanna say good-bye to Hello.
I was lost.
There was no point continuing with the film.
♪ Life's not always Miami ♪
Ah, turn off the camera!
- The documentary's off! - ♪ Life's not always Miami ♪
Then...
...everything changed.
Hey, yo!
Take off your wrap gifts, guys.
The documentary is not over.
I might need a wedding DJ after all.
Someone posted on Karen Sorrento's Facebook page.
But that's a straight man,
and Karen is you pretending to be--
I just need a win, Scott.
And I said take your fleece off!
Let's go, boys!
Come on! Whoo!
Wow.
That's amazing.
- I love sour cream. - Oh, who doesn't?
Instead of a tip, I just wrote, "Here's a tip, try the cheese."
- She's probably mad. - Oh!
- This is mad fun. - Yeah.
But I gotta come clean...
I'm not a beautiful woman.
I'm a beautiful man...
a man who now feels pretty good about himself thanks to you, Fran.
Another catfish.
Damn it. I knew you were too cool to be a female.
Cool like how?
Look at your profile, dude. You're a dream girl.
MAGA, ka-ra-tay, DJ Slizzard...
...girls in bikinis getting really hurt.
Wait, you're a Slizzard Lizard?
Are you kidding me?
He played my great-aunt's nasty 90th.
And he went home with her...
as a joke.
God, it just kills me
that he's still locked up.
Especially since I know he shouldn't even be in jail.
I don't believe in fate,
so it was probably magic elves who brought Fran and me together that night.
Hi. Um...
I am Fran Dodd.
I am founder and C-F-Bro of The Innocence Broject,
an organization that fights back in the war on men.
I am telling you, man,
men are under attack.
Do you know how many times I have been stabbed with keys?
Nineteen times, just for
walking closely to a woman's face.
This is where, uh,
we keep a lot of, like, our-- our case files here,
like, uh, Cosby.
That's a big one.
Uh, Mr. Frumpus.
Richard-- Richard's file?
Yeah, it's in here.
This is all proof.
How about this right here?
Where is Dick Wayne being held right now?
Okay, well, let's just take a look right here...
'cause this is where Dick Wayne is being held.
Can you get close enough?
Says it right here. Right here.
Men--
Men's Prison.
Not People's Prison.
Mee-en's Prison. Okay?
They knew when they built this place who they were gonna lock up.
It's absolutely disgusting.
Masculinity is being criminalized in this country, okay?
And I want something done did about it.
Because what you're accused of
- shouldn't be a crime. - Exactly.
I mean, are we even talking about?
Innocent and-- and guilty?
Sorry, what I did was called "nature."
I mean, look at dolphins. They're huge rapists,
and ladies kiss them right on their holes over at SeaWorld.
Why isn't anybody getting a tattoo of me on their ankle?
Men are not the problem. Women are the problem.
Things were fine until we started letting them make their own decisions.
L-listen, y'all. Let me tell you
about a-- about a good friend of mine
who's really handsome.
And he went...
to LA, saved up all his money,
got a sweet-ass butt cut,
and did the ladies a favor...
by going on a TV dating show.
Richard, how are you gonna make her feel special?
Well...
we'd start off with some fabulous food,
a little fabulous conversation...
...end it with a fabulous foot massage,
for an evening of total fabulosity.
And she chose Marc!
I mean, what?
They got to go to the zoo together.
Why does she even get to choose at all?
Men should be doing the choosing!
Man.
I thought women should do what they want, but if they couldn't,
I'd still be with Hello.
God, why'd she dump me?
Because women are stupid.
They don't even know how to make decisions good.
You should see my mommy try and order at a restaurant.
So that night,
I did.
Southern rib platter. Yum!
- No, I'll never eat all that. - No.
But if you were gonna pick between the French dip...
- French dip. - ...and the firehouse fajitas--
- French dip. - Oh, my God, what do they have?
God, it is dessert, Sheila!
They are having dessert.
It's dark days, brosephs.
They say, "You snooze, you lose."
Well, we snossed...
and look what we lost.
After talking to Fran and DJ Sliz,
I read the news.
And it was news to me.
There really is a war going on.
I mean, who's next,
the majestic anteater?
I also learned
our infrastructure is a mess, yo!
Here we are. Now it's "Person of the Year."
They hijacked the Ocean's franchise.
Now there's a female Colonel Sanders?
What's next, female chickens?
I don't even get it, y'all.
But if we don't take a stand now...
- we're herstory. - Ugh.
They're gonna shestroy everything.
I ain't down
with that world.
I have an appointment
for a penis removal,
here in the year...
...this year!
This year, this year, this year, this year, this year...
We have to fight back,
or pretty soon, every clip package
will look like this.
A great man rots in jail right now
because Lady Justice
is living up to her name.
That coldhearted skank is just ice.
Meanwhile, what are DJ Slizzard's supposed victims doing?
Cyndee Pokorny continues to profit
from her tragedy.
She recently sang the national anthem at an NFL preseason game
between the Atlanta Vaccinators
and the Chicago Interracial Marriages.
♪ And the home ♪
♪ Of the ♪
♪ Bra... ♪
And as for Donna Maria?
She used wordplay to become a mole sauce
mole-ionnaire and...
a judge on Shark Tank Español.
Marco Americano here is crazy.
What you've just described is a horse.
I'm out.
And Gretchen Chalker is the real cult leader.
She's now running her own church
inside a women's prison!
What?
Now they're keeping us out of the prisons we built?
And in the future,
female doctors will remove the penises
with saws.
Yes! That's right!
Then there's Kimmy Schmidt.
The woman who put Tabby Bobatti in intensive care...
ended up intensively caring about the Reverend.
That's good writing.
No wonder she was so mad at Tabby.
Kimmy is married to DJ Slizzard.
And she never gave up on bae.
I'll never divorce you, Dick! Not even when pigs fly!
But that would be cute! Birds would be like, "Whaaaaat?!"
I'm never divorcing you!
Maybe this documentary isn't about finding a DJ for my wedding.
It's just about the best DJ of all:
love.
Have yo-o-o-ou...
spoken to Kimmy?
Oh, for the documentary?
Shoot, that's a good idea.
No, don't ever
speak to her. I mean, because...
we value...
we value our privacy.
That's why I didn't say anything about it.
You know? Even though
our marriage would obviously humanize me,
audience-wise.
Wow.
Kimmy stood by you, man.
#NotAllWomen.
So I guess...
...if a good woman like Kimmy
is on my side-- and she is, but again, don't ask her--
then maybe the whole word can get on board
with my fabulosity.
You gotta finish this movie, Finga.
Finish it up. Hey, win a Peabody,
like Entourage.
Then who knows, man? Who knows?
Maybe my case gets reopened,
and maybe I finally get reunited
with my little pasty-faced,
ketchup-headed...
...sweetie pateetie.
Kimmy. That's who I'm talking about. You know.
I did my part.
You just watched it.
Still are.
So does Slizzard's story end here?
That's up to the people who believe in him.
People like Fran Dodd;
Fran's mom, who supports him no matter what;
Fran's buddy Frisco, who you didn't meet but is cool;
this guy we met who would literally do anything;
and, of course,
- Kimmy Schmidt... - Well--
...TabbyBobatti; this lady;
- that dude... - What is this for?
Karen Sorrento; David Caruso;
Damar Varnish; DJ Traphouse;
DJ Trump;
and the most important person...
you, America.
Dude, they won't be able to see themselves.
We talked about this.
Put this part in slow motion!
So that's what that job was.
Fooping shit!
♪ Life's not always Miami ♪
♪ Life's not ♪
♪ Always Miami ♪
♪ Life's not always Miami ♪
♪ Life's not ♪
♪ Always Miami ♪
♪ Life's not always Miami ♪
♪ Life's not ♪
♪ Always Miami ♪
♪ Life's not ♪
♪ Always Miami ♪
♪ Life's not ♪
♪ Always Miami ♪
♪ Life's not always Miami ♪
- Good night, everybody! - Good night!