[cheers and applause]
- YOU GUYS READY TO MEET YOUR HEADLINE ACT?
LET ME HEAR YOU.
[cheers and applause] - OH.
- COME ON, PEOPLE, A LITTLE NOISE HERE.
[cheers and applause]
YOUR HEADLINER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
AND ONE OF THE BEST COMICS IN THE ENTIRE BUSINESS--
PLEASE GIVE ME A WARM, LOUD ROUND OF APPLAUSE
FOR THE ONE AND ONLY DAVE ATTELL, EVERYBODY.
[cheers and applause]
CLAP YOUR HANDS, EVERYBODY, FOR DAVE ATTELL.
HERE HE COMES, EVERYBODY, DAVE ATTELL,
EVERYBODY.
COME ON, PEOPLE.
CLAP IT UP FOR DAVE ATTELL.
CLAP YOUR HANDS.
DAVE ATTELL, EVERYBODY.
DAVE ATTELL.
[cheers and applause]
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
VINNIE BRAND, EVERYBODY.
GIVE HIM A HAND. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE
AT THE STRESS FACTORY IN NEW JERSEY.
NICE.
AND, UH, I NEED A CAMERAMAN, 'CAUSE I'M BROKE.
SO WHO'S GONNA HELP ME OUT HERE?
MISS, DO YOU WANNA DO THE CAMERAWORK?
- SURE. - OKAY, THERE YOU GO.
ALL RIGHT, I LOVE IT.
AND HOW ABOUT YOU, DUDE, EVERYTHING GOOD?
THERE WE GO. NOT THAT WE DON'T TRUST YOU.
WE HAVE ANOTHER GUY TAPING YOU.
ALL RIGHT, THIS IS LIKE--
THIS IS LIKE NORTH KOREA, I LOVE IT.
WHAT'S YOUR STORY? WE SHOULD KNOW A LITTLE BIT
ABOUT THE PEOPLE BEHIND THE SCENES HERE.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
- I WAS A HAIRDRESSER.
- OH, HERE WE GO, ALL RIGHT.
[laughter]
OH, LOOK, YOU'RE ALREADY DOING YOUR OWN SEX TAPE.
CAN YOU WAIT?
A CAMERA GOES ON, SHE GETS WET.
IS THAT WHAT IT IS HERE? I MEAN--
HERE, HERE, HERE.
WHOA.
WOW.
I WAS DOING A SHOW ONE TIME AT THIS CLUB, OKAY,
RIGHT UP FRONT, A 12-YEAR-OLD BOY.
NOW WHAT KIND OF PARENTS--CUBAN--
BRING A KID LIKE THAT TO SEE THIS FILTHY HUMOR?
RIDICULOUS.
GOOD KID.
NOW HE'S PLAYING FOR THE METS.
ANYWAY--WHAT?
I GIVE IT TO YOU GUYS.
IT'S HARD TO WATCH ME DO MY OLD SHITTY ACT
IN FRONT OF THE WORLD'S LAST PHONE OR SOMETHING.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT MY FAULT
THOMAS EDISON IS FROM THIS TOWN,
AND WE ALL HAVE TO WORSHIP HIS MAGICAL DEVICE.
ISN'T IT AMAZING HOW PHONES USED TO BE THIS BIG?
LOOK AT THAT, RIGHT?
EVERYTHING'S SMALLER NOW:
PHONES, DOGS, DICKS.
THEY'VE ALL GOTTEN TINIER, BUT THEY DO MORE.
THESE JOKES AREN'T GONNA BE ALL THIS CLEAN, ALL RIGHT?
IT'S GONNA BE A FILTHY, DIRTY MESS OF A SHOW.
IT REALLY IS. [cheers and applause]
I KNOW, SOME OF YOU ARE INTO IT,
SOME OF YOU AREN'T.
MY DAD USED TO BEAT ME WHEN I WAS A KID.
AND HE'D ALWAYS GO, "DAVE, I REALLY DON'T WANNA HIT YOU,
BUT THIS IS THE ONLY THING THAT GETS ME HARD."
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? HEY.
COME ON, IT'S A JOKE.
YOU KNOW I DON'T KNOW WHO MY DAD IS.
I HAVE NO IDEA.
I WAS RAISED IN A CARNIVAL.
KEEP IT UP HERE, ALL RIGHT?
JUST ON THE PUNCH LINES, JUST--YEAH, LIKE--
HERE'S SOMETHING YOU RARELY GET TO SEE,
A GANGBANGER EATING SOME STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE.
THIS IS, LIKE--
IS THIS A COMEDY CLUB OR A DENNY'S IN TWO HOURS?
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
I LOVE A FILTHY PEDOPHILE JOKE
WITH A LITTLE PIECE OF STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE.
ALL RIGHT, 'CAUSE I AM EVIL.
[laughter]
YOU WANNA SWITCH?
SEE, LOOK, THERE'S NOT MUCH ROOM
ON THE STAGE HERE. THIS IS GREAT.
THIS IS LIKE AN MMA FIGHT BETWEEN TWO NERDS.
THIS IS GREAT.
EVER DO A BUNCH OF MUSHROOMS,
THINK YOU'RE HAVING A PILLOW FIGHT,
BUT IT TURNS OUT TO BE A LIVE BABY?
HAS THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ANYBODY?
ALL RIGHT. JUST FEELING THE CROWD OUT.
SEEING WHO'S WHO HERE.
HELLO?
OH. SORRY.
MY CAREER CALLED, IT'S DEAD.
UM, SORRY.
LET'S GO BACK TO THE WOMEN HERE.
THERE'S A LOT OF HOT WOMEN HERE.
ALL RIGHT, YEAH. WHERE ARE THE SINGLE WOMEN?
NONE, THERE'S NO SINGLE WOMEN ANYMORE.
I DON'T BLAME 'EM.
I LIKE WHEN A WOMAN'S ON TOP.
'CAUSE WHEN A WOMAN'S ON TOP,
YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR JOB IS? NOT TO DIE.
THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO DO, JUST LAY THERE.
AND YOU GET A CHANCE TO WEIGH HER.
YEAH. FUCK ALL OF YOU, THAT'S FUNNY.
NOW--I'M NOT GONNA WAIT FOR YOU GUYS ANYMORE.
I LIKE WHEN A WOMAN'S ON TOP. THEY CALL IT COWGIRL STYLE.
YEAH, SOME GIRLS WEAR A COWBOY HAT
AS THEY'RE DOING THAT.
THAT'S A LITTLE TOO MUCH.
A COWGIRL HAT DURING COWGIRL SEX
IS LIKE A TURBAN ON A PLANE.
IT IS TOTALLY--
[chuckles]
IT'S LEGAL, BUT I'M NOT SLEEPING ON THAT FLIGHT.
I'M NOT.
I GOT ONE EYE ON YOU, ZERO DARK THIRTY.
YEAH.
[chuckles]
HOW ABOUT REVERSE COWGIRL?
THAT'S WHEN THEY'RE FACING AWAY.
HAVE YOU--YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHO INVENTED THAT,
BUT THEY WERE UGLY.
YEAH, LIKE, "HEY, I'LL BANG YA,
"I JUST DON'T WANNA LOOK AT YA.
I MEAN--"
YOU GOTTA BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AS A DUDE,
WHEN YOUR WOMAN DOES THAT.
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT DOES LOOK LIKE
SHE'S GETTING UP TO LEAVE.
IT REALLY DOES LOOK LIKE, "HEY.
IF YOU'RE GONNA GO, BRING BACK SOMETHING TO EAT."
SO-- [laughter]
I WATCH ALL THESE REALITY SHOWS.
I GUESS MY FAVORITE WOULD BE THIS ONE
CALLED, UH, THE PIT BOSS.
IT'S ABOUT A LITTLE GUY. HIS NAME IS SHORTY.
AND, UH, HE'S-- YOU KNOW, HE'S A MIDGET.
[under breath] ALL RIGHT. HE'S A MIDGET, ALL RIGHT?
DON'T WORRY, THERE'S NO MIDGETS HERE, ALL RIGHT?
IT DOESN'T SMELL LIKE CINNAMON AND, YOU KNOW,
CONFETTI OR NOTHING MAGICAL.
IT'S JUST--YOU KNOW.
IT'S COOL, ALL RIGHT?
ANYWAY, HE GOES TO JAIL FOR, LIKE, TEN YEARS.
HE'S A LITTLE GUY, OKAY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS IN MIDGET YEARS.
I GUESS MAYBE, LIKE, 150,000 MILLION YEARS.
I DON'T KNOW. I WAS HOMESCHOOLED.
GETS OUT OF JAIL, AND NOW HE RESCUES PIT BULLS.
WHICH I THINK HE THINKS ARE HORSES.
I'M NOT EXACTLY SURE.
BANG. THAT'S A JOKE, YEAH.
HARD-CORE. THANK YOU.
[laughter]
I HAVE NEVER, EVER SEEN A MIDGET MAIL A LETTER.
HAVE YOU GUYS-- HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THAT?
NO.
EVIDENTLY, THE TALL MAN DOES NOT
WANT THE LITTLE MAN COMMUNICATING
HIS RECIPES AND SPELLS AND POTIONS
THROUGH THE MAGICAL BLUE BOX.
LET HIM MAIL A LETTER, HUH?
I DON'T EVEN THINK THEY SHOULD HAVE TO USE STAMPS,
WHICH THEY CALL PAINTINGS, 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW--
THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO KISS THE ENVELOPE,
AND IT JUST GETS WHEREVER IT NEEDS TO GO.
SANTA.
[laughter]
YOU GUYS ARE COOL, YOU'RE LAUGHING AT THAT.
I'VE DONE THAT JOKE WITH A LITTLE PERSON IN THE ROOM.
THEY'RE NOT THAT COOL ABOUT IT.
MOSTLY, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I WAS DRUNK
AND I WAS DOING THIS OVER HIS HEAD.
SO, YOU KNOW, GOD COULDN'T HEAR HIS PRAYERS.
AND, UM--
THEY DON'T LIKE THE WORD "MIDGET."
THEY DON'T LIKE "LITTLE PEOPLE."
WHAT DO THEY WANNA BE CALLED?
"PEOPLE," THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT.
"PEOPLE," OKAY.
IF THEY'RE PEOPLE, THEN THAT BUMPS
THE REST OF US UP INTO BEING GODS.
AND THAT'S A LOT OF WORK.
[clears throat]
THEY SHOULD WORSHIP US, OR I'LL MAKE IT
LIGHT AND DARK IN HERE WITH THIS MAGICAL CLOUD SWITCH.
IT'S A LIGHT SWITCH, FOR THOSE OF YOU
WHO HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING HERE.
A LIGHT SWITCH.
[laughter]
TO SUM UP, WOULD I BLOW A MIDGET?
YOU KNOW I WOULD.
'CAUSE I KNOW HIS DICK TASTES LIKE TOYS.
SO THERE YOU HAVE IT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. [chuckles]
[drumming, cheering]
- AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR MR. DAVE ATTELL.
[cheers and applause]
- KEEP IT GOING FOR 'EM, EVERYONE.
THE LEGENDS OF POLYNESIA.
COME ON, CHICOPEE, MASS, YOU CAN DO IT.
EXCELLENT WORK.
NOW THAT'S THE WAY TO START A SHOW.
AM I RIGHT? YEAH.
NOW PREPARE TO BE BORED TO DEATH FOR THE NEXT HOUR.
THANK YOU, GUYS.
ALL RIGHT, TAKE IT EASY. - THANK YOU.
- ALL RIGHT. CAN YOU GUYS--
REALLY, GET BACK IN THE SHACK, ALL RIGHT?
JUST GET BACK IN THAT SHACK.
AND THE DUDE-- PUT A BRA ON, ALL RIGHT?
REALLY, GOT-- IT'S A FAMILY SHOW HERE.
KEEP IT GOING. COME ON, GUYS.
YOU REMEMBER THAT SHOW LOST.
GIVE 'EM A HAND.
[cheers and applause]
OH, I'M NOT DRINKING MY FANTASTICAL DRINK.
MMM. MMM.
THIS IS LIKE, I DON'T KNOW,
GETTING A RIM JOB FROM A UNICORN.
I CAN'T EVEN--
- YOU HAVE SOME ON YOUR CHIN.
- I DO? - YEAH, JUST A LITTLE.
- WELL, I HOPE HE CALLS ME TOMORROW.
[laughter]
THAT DESERVES JUST A LITTLE ONE.
[faint rim shot]
JUST A LITTLE-- A LITTLE SOMETHING.
[laughs]
I DIVIDE MY LIFE UP INTO TWO PARTS,
BEFORE HONEY BOO BOO AND AFTER HONEY BOO BOO.
NOW, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW WHO SHE IS,
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO SHE IS.
WHERE DID SHE COME FROM? I DON'T KNOW.
DID HER MOM DEEP-THROAT A CORN DOG ON A FERRIS WHEEL,
AND SHE POPPED OUT?
SHE'S CUTE.
BUT THREE YEARS FROM NOW, WHEN SHE'S A MOTHER,
IT'S GONNA BE A LOT-- HELLO?
WOW.
EXCUSE ME, I'M JUST GONNA STEP
INTO A VIETNAM FLASHBACK FOR A MINUTE.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[chuckles]
IT'S A HOT L.Z.
"I NEED TO GET PULLED OUT!"
[chuckles]
TOO FAMILY-ORIENTED IN HERE.
I DON'T LIKE IT. I DON'T LIKE IT.
I EXPECTED, LIKE, DRUNK DUDES, YOU KNOW,
JUST FUCKING COMING HERE
'CAUSE THEY CAN'T AFFORD TO GO TO A STRIP CLUB.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW.
- TAKE IT OFF! - I WENT TO A STRIP CLUB.
AND YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL HOW GOOD IT IS BY THE NAME.
THIS ONE WAS CALLED "THE DOUBLE CHIN."
NOW THAT WAS NOT GOOD.
10 BUCKS TO GET IN, 20 TO GET OUT.
IT WAS HORRIBLE.
I WENT TO ONE, IT WAS A VEGAN STRIP CLUB.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? VEGANS, YEAH.
I WALK IN, THE GIRLS ARE SO WEAK,
THEY CAN'T EVEN CLIMB THE POLE.
THEY'RE HANGING ON LIKE KOALA BEARS.
THEY WERE LICKING THE POLE FOR IRON.
IT WAS SO SAD.
[laughter]
ONE OF THE VEGANS SAYS TO ME,
"YOU SHOULD GO DOWN ON A VEGAN, WE TASTE BETTER."
OH, REALLY?
I CAN SPEAK FOR EVERY GUY IN HERE.
AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T TASTE LIKE BALLS,
IT'S ALL RIGHT, REALLY.
'CAUSE BALLS ARE DISGUSTING, AREN'T THEY?
WOW.
AND THEY STINK. YEAH, THEY DO.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL SPEAK FOR MY BALLS.
ON MY BEST DAY, MY BALLS MIGHT
SMELL LIKE A FOOT, ON MY BEST DAY.
AND THE SACK, UGH.
THE SACK, GROWING ALL THE TIME.
MY SACK LOOKS LIKE A TENT
NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO FOLD UP.
IT'S JUST ALL OVER THE PLACE.
[laughter]
AND THE PENIS IS UGLY, HUH?
EW.
THAT'S WHAT THEY SHOULD'VE CALLED IT, "EW."
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A PENIS BEFORE AND AFTER SEX?
WHAT HAPPENED?
BEFORE, IT'S HARD, FULL OF JAGER AND LIES.
IT'S GOT A PLAN. IT'S ON A MISSION.
[laughter and cheering]
IT GOES IN, RIGHT?
THREE MINUTES, TWO IF YOU'RE MARRIED,
IT COMES POPPING OUT.
IT'S ALL TWISTED, COVERED IN GOO,
BLINKING OR TWITCHING.
WHAT IS IT DOING DOWN THERE?
IT LOOKS LIKE ALL THE ODD NUMBER ROCKY MOVIES.
YEAH, JUST DEFEATED.
[laughter]
THANK YOU.
MY CAMERAMAN, DUDE.
[laughter]
WHAT THE FUCK?
- OH, MY GOD!
- DUDE, YOU'RE MY CAMERA GUY.
- PUT THAT PHONE DOWN!
- IF THIS WAS CNN, WE WOULD'VE MISSED
THE WHOLE ARAB SPRING, DUDE.
OH, NOW YOU'RE OVERDOING IT.
"OH, LOOK AT ME, I'M REALLY TRYING NOW."
TOO LATE!
BACK TO THE SEX JOKES.
SEX TOYS.
SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT 'EM,
BUT THERE'S NEVER BEEN A RECALL.
SO WHEREVER THEY MAKE 'EM,
THEY'RE MAKING 'EM PRETTY GOOD.
I THINK THEY MAKE 'EM IN CHINA, YEAH.
LITTLE KIDS ARE MAKING OUR SEX TOYS.
AND I KNOW IT'S SICK, BUT IT DOES MAKE IT
A LITTLE MORE EROTIC, KNOWING THEIR LITTLE HANDS
ARE ALL OVER 'EM. MMM.
[chuckles]
[laughter]
THEY GOT A DOUBLE-HEADED DIL--
THEY GOT THE DOUBLE-HEADED DILDO.
"WHAT KIND OF PHONE IS THIS?"
"BACK TO WORK!"
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SEX TOY?
CAN I TALK-- CAN YOU GET THIS, DUDE?
OKAY, GOOD.
OKAY, SO JUST FOR CONTINUITY,
I'M JUST GONNA BRING THIS TREE WITH ME, SO--
[laughter]
MISS, WHAT-- [exhales]
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SEX TOY? WHAT DO YOU LIKE?
- THE CELEBRATOR. - THE CELEBRATOR?
IS HE IN TOWN? WOW.
[chuckles]
THE CELEBRATOR-- WHAT IS THAT?
- IT LOOKS LIKE A TOOTHBRUSH.
- I THINK YOU'RE BEING FOOLED.
THAT'S AN ORAL-B THAT YOU'RE PUTTING IN YOUR HOOCH.
[laughter]
YOU KNOW WHAT GUYS HAVE NOW?
THE ANYWHERE VAGINA. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THIS?
- POCKET PUSSY? - A POCKET PUSSY?
WHOA. IS THAT THE TECHNICAL TERM?
OKAY.
I CALL IT LIVING IN MY MOM'S BASEMENT WAY TOO LONG.
[all cheering]
BACK ME UP ON THIS.
IT'S A VAGINA WITH A STICKY ON THE BACK, AND YOU LICK IT,
AND THEN YOU PUT IT ON THE WALL, AND THEN YOU FUCK IT.
OKAY, IT'S IDIOT-PROOF.
WHAT I LIKE TO DO IS BUY A BUNCH
AND LEAVE 'EM ON HOTEL WALLS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.
KIND OF A JOHNNY APPLESEED OF FILTH.
[laughs, coughs]
SORRY, GUYS.
THAT'S WHAT SMOKERS CALL BREATHING.
OH, WHAT HAPPENED? [audience ohs]
OH, NO.
SCOTT, YOU KNOCKED OVER MY DRINK.
GET A PICTURE OF THAT.
SOMEWHERE A CLOWN FELL DOWN.
YOU CAN TELL, 'CAUSE ANYTIME YOU SPILL A DAIQUIRI--
[chuckles]
LOOK AT THAT, WOW.
CAREFUL, SCOTT, YOU'RE GONNA KNOCK OVER THE FAKE PALM TREE.
SO SINCE YOU GUYS LOVE FILTH,
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA APPRECIATE THIS.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT ANAL BEADS ARE?
[hushed laughter]
EXCUSE ME, OUT FRONT DID IT SAY, "MAGIC SHOW"?
NO, IT DIDN'T.
IT SAID, "POLYNESIANS AND FILTHY GUY."
THAT'S WHAT IT SAID.
ANAL BEADS, WHAT'S-- WHAT DO YOU THINK IS WORSE:
MORE BEADS COMING OUT THAN WENT IN
OR THE MISSING BEAD?
NO MAN LEFT BEHIND.
THAT'S HOW I WAS TAUGHT.
LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR THE RESCUE GERBIL.
YES.
THAT JOKE WAS-- DID EVERYBODY EAT?
I SHOULD'VE SAID THAT BEFORE THAT JOKE.
DID EVERYBODY? OKAY, GOOD.
MINNEAPOLIS, ACME COMEDY CLUB.
[cheers and applause]
YEP. WOW, THIS IS GOOD.
ALL RIGHT, I'M DOING THIS ON A BUDGET,
SO I'M GONNA NEED SOMEONE TO HELP ME
BE MY CAMERAMAN. WHO WANTS TO DO IT?
YOU WANNA DO IT? - SURE.
- THERE YA GO. THIS GUY LOOKS GREAT.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SIR? - JUSTIN.
- WHAT'S IT? - JUSTIN.
- ARE YOU A FAN OF COMEDY? - ABSOLUTELY.
- ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA CHANGE THAT RIGHT NOW.
ALL RIGHT.
THANKS FOR COMING DOWN, GUYS.
IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE IN MINNEAPOLIS.
YOU GUYS, THIS IS THE WHITEST TOWN
I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
YES.
IF CHRISTIAN MINGLE WAS A PLACE,
IT WOULD BE HERE, RIGHT HERE.
BUT YOU'RE GOOD PEOPLE.
YOU ARE THE HEALTHIEST, NICEST PEOPLE.
YOU'RE, LIKE, ALMOST CANADIAN.
I REALLY THINK--
OH, IT GOT A LITTLE UGLY THERE, DIDN'T IT, HUH?
EVERYBODY HERE IS ON A BICYCLE.
HMM, YEAH.
THAT IS QUEER.
I MEAN, EVERYBODY--
I SAW A GUY TODAY MY AGE ON A BIKE.
THAT IS JUST WEIRD.
YOU SEE A GUY, AN OLD MAN, ON A BIKE LIKE THAT,
YOU'RE LIKE, "THAT DUDE HAS A DUI.
"THAT GUY IS JUST A DRUNK.
"HE'S A DRUNK.
LOOK AT HIM."
I LIKE BOOZE. I'M A BOOZE GUY.
JUSTIN, DO YOU LIKE BOOZE? YEAH, THERE YOU GO. I CAN TELL.
- JUST A LITTLE BIT. - JUST A LITTLE BIT?
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT.
WHISKEY IS A GREAT DRINK.
NOW WHISKEY'S VERY CLASSY AND ADULT,
TILL YOU SHIT YOUR PANTS.
BUT OTHER THAN THAT, IT IS GREAT.
NOW YOU THINK OF WHISKEY, YOU THINK OF, LIKE,
A SAD OLD WHITE MAN.
LIKE, A GUY LIKE ME IN THE RAIN,
SCREAMING THE WORD "WHORE" AT A HOUSE HE USED TO OWN.
"HEY, WHORE.
"ARE YOU ENJOYING THAT HOME, YOU WHORE?
I BUILT THAT DECK!"
[laughter]
WOMEN DRINK WHISKEY NOW TOO, RIGHT?
WHISKEY DRINKERS, THERE YOU GO.
WOMEN DRINK WHISKEY, AND THEY ALWAYS
CLASS IT UP WITH A LITTLE DIET COKE.
WHY DIET COKE?
YOU'RE DRINKING WHISKEY,
THE WILDEST DRINK KNOWN TO MAN.
ARE YOU REALLY COUNTING CALORIES
WHILE YOU'RE DRINKING WHISKEY?
"WELL, I DON'T WANNA LOOK FLABBY TWO HOURS FROM NOW
WHEN I'M TAG-TEAMING TRUCKERS ON A POOL TABLE."
[laughter]
"I DON'T WANNA LOOK ALL PUFFY
AS I'M SCREAMING THE N-WORD AT AN ECLIPSE."
ALL RIGHT, SORRY.
THAT ONE WOULD'VE KILLED IN IDAHO.
SO--
I LIKE TO HOLD THE DOOR OPEN FOR A WOMAN,
'CAUSE I THINK THAT'S VERY GENTLEMANLY, YEAH.
BUT I ONLY HOLD IT OPEN ABOUT THIS MUCH.
YEAH.
AND IF YOU CAN'T SQUEEZE THROUGH,
I WILL MAKE PIG NOISES TILL YOU DO.
"GET IN THERE.
"GET IN THERE, HOG, COME ON.
THERE'S CHEESE IN THERE."
[laughter]
[clears throat] I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY
IS I WANNA HAVE A FAMILY.
KIDS ARE GREAT.
DOGS ARE WAY BETTER THAN KIDS, AM I RIGHT?
YEAH, WOW.
'CAUSE YOU CAN SHAKE A DOG AND NOT GO TO JAIL.
I THINK THAT'S REALLY GOOD.
JUSTIN, YOU'RE GOOD?
YOU CAN MOVE THE CAMERA AROUND A LITTLE BIT.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
THIS ISN'T BABY'S FIRST STEPS OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
I WANT IT-- I WANT IT NASTY, MOTHERFUCKER.
[laughter]
THIS IS A PROGRESSIVE STATE.
YOU GUYS JUST LEGALIZED GAY MARRIAGE.
YOU DID IT, YEAH.
GIVE YOURSELVES A HAND, YES.
[cheers and applause]
I AM FOR GAY MARRIAGE, OKAY?
YEAH, AS LONG AS THEY'RE BOTH THE SAME RACE,
I DON'T SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT.
[laughter]
NO, 'CAUSE EVERY GUY'S DONE SOMETHING GAY.
WE'VE ALL HAD A GAY MOMENT.
I KNOW THIS, 'CAUSE I'M FROM THE FUTURE.
I KNOW IT.
WHETHER IT'S AN UNCLE TEACHING YOU
HOW TO MAKE A TIE WHILE YOU'RE BOTH
NOT WEARING PANTS, HUH?
HEY.
OR JUST WEARING A SCARF.
HAVE YOU EVER WORN A SCARF?
IT'S A LITTLE FRUITY. IT'S A LITTLE FRUITY.
"WELL, I GOTTA KEEP MY THROAT WARM,
"JUST IN CASE THERE'S A COCK-SUCKING COMPETITION
"ON BALLS-ON-MY-CHIN AVENUE.
OOPS."
YOU GOOD? THAT WAS EXCELLENT.
THAT WAS LIKE ICE CAPADES, SYNCHRONIZED.
[laughter]
I DO MAGAZINES. ANYBODY ELSE?
YEAH, MAGAZINES.
'CAUSE I'M OLD, BUT I STILL MASTURBATE.
BUT I TAKE AN ASPIRIN FIRST.
ANYWAY--FOR MY HEART.
DID YOU GUYS KNOW-- THERE'S YOUNG GUYS HERE.
DID YOU KNOW THAT PORN WAS ORIGINALLY
IN MAGAZINE FORM, AND BEFORE THAT,
IT WAS PUPPETS, AND THEN IT WAS JUST
HOMELESS GUYS WHO NEEDED FOOD.
WE JUST HAD 'EM ACT OUT.
MAGAZINES ARE COOL, BECAUSE AS YOU'RE MASTURBATING,
YOU ALSO GET TO DO THIS.
WHOA.
I'M, LIKE, A SOPHISTICATED PERVERT.
[chuckles]
JUSTIN, WHAT DO YOU THINK, HUH?
LOOK AT THAT, THUMBS UP FROM JUSTIN.
I FOUND A BUTT PLUG ON A CITY BUS ONE TIME.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? YEAH.
HOW DO I KNOW? 'CAUSE IT FIT PERFECTLY.
COME ON, GUYS.
EASY JOKE. WOW.
[laughter]
ANAL BLEACHING-- WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK?
NO, AS A BABY NAME.
DO YOU LIKE IT OR NO?
BANG, BANG, BANG.
THIS IS GREAT.
WE GOT SOME YOUNG GUYS HERE, RIGHT?
SOME WARRIORS? OKAY.
IF A GIRL SAYS, "PUT IT IN MY ASS,"
SHE'S A DUDE.
ALL RIGHT.
A LITTLE SOMETHING I LEARNED IN THE SCOUTS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
WHAT'S UP, PHILADELPHIA? HOW'S IT GOING?
LET'S HEAR IT, COME ON.
PHILADELPHIA.
[cheers and applause]
LOOK AT YOU GUYS.
WOW. I'M GONNA NEED SOME HELP.
CAN SOMEBODY BE MY CAMERAMAN TONIGHT?
WHO WOULD-- WHO WOULD LIKE TO DO IT?
IT'S GOTTA BE SOMEBODY IN THE FRONT ROW.
YOU WANNA DO IT? OKAY, COOL.
COULD YOU LOOK MORE OUT OF WORK, SIR?
I MEAN, REALLY?
LOOK AT THIS GUY. HERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
- I'LL SEE YA. - WHOA!
FIRST TIME IN EIGHT SHOWS, I LOVE IT.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, DUDE? - PAUL.
- I DON'T KNOW WHY I GAVE THE CAMERA TO PAUL.
I SHOULD'VE GIVEN IT TO THIS SAD-LOOKING,
MUMFORD & SON GUY OVER HERE.
WORLD'S WORST SEAT. WHERE'S YOUR CHICK?
YOU HAVE NO--NO CHICK? - WAITING FOR THE ESCORT.
- YEAH, YOU'RE WAITING ON AN ESCORT?
FINALLY, THE OTHER GUY I'VE BEEN MEETING ONLINE.
ALL RIGHT, DUDE.
THIS IS WHAT MY COMEDY'S ABOUT.
DON'T LET THIS WEIRD BANNER FROM GAME OF THRONES
FRIGHTEN YOU, OKAY?
WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING?
- YUENGLING. - A YUENG--
ALL RIGHT, PHILLY, GOT IT.
ALL RIGHT, I GET IT.
AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA GO HOME AND CRY TO BOYZ II MEN?
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
I MEAN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO PHILLY IT UP ALL THE TIME.
PHILADELPHIA.
LET'S LOOK AT THE BACKGROUND HERE.
THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT PHILLY, 'CAUSE LOOK AT ALL THAT PARKING.
AND, UM, THERE'S NO ONE
RUNNING AFTER ME FOR MY IPHONE,
WEARING A WIG, SO I DON'T SEE--
YOU GUYS ARE VERY PROTECTIVE OF YOUR TOWN.
I DON'T BLAME YOU ONE BIT.
WE NEED TO LEGALIZE STUFF HERE.
POT SHOULD BE LEGAL.
I THINK EVERYBODY IN THIS CROWD--
PAUL, RIGHT, POT? - YES.
- ARE YOU A POT GUY OR NO? - NO.
- EXACTLY, YOU'RE, LIKE, AT THAT AGE
WHERE, LIKE, "IF I CAN'T AFFORD COKE,
I'LL DO NOTHING."
POT SHOULD BE LEGAL.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A POTHEAD GET ARRESTED?
IT'S A SAD ARREST, OKAY. THEY HANDCUFF HIM.
HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON.
HE THINKS HE'S BEING SHOWN A MAGIC TRICK.
HE HAS NOTHING-- NO IDEA.
WHAT ARE THE COPS SO AFRAID OF?
THE GUY IS SMOKING POT, A SILLY, HARMLESS DRUG.
IT'S A VITAMIN IN BALTIMORE.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW--
"OH, WATCH OUT, HE'S SMOKING POT.
"HE MIGHT HAVE A LONG STORY WITH NO ENDING ON HIM.
THIS GUY'S A POTHEAD."
[laughter and applause]
PHILLY IS A GREAT TOWN,
BUT LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT, OKAY?
THAT CHEESESTEAK IS OUT OF CONTROL.
I'M KIND OF A BIG GUY MYSELF, SO I FIGURE I CAN HANDLE IT.
BUT AS I GET OLDER, I REALIZE I GOTTA PLAN THE CHEESESTEAK.
LIKE, I CAN EAT ONE, FINE.
BUT THE NEXT DAY, IT'S ANYONE'S GAME.
I DON'T KNOW WHEN IT'S GONNA COME OUT,
HOW IT'S GONNA COME OUT,
WHERE IT'S GONNA COME OUT.
THAT IS A HARD DUMP, THE CHEESESTEAK DUMP.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT SO MUCH THE STEAK,
IT'S THAT BUKKAKE OF WHIZ IN THERE, OKAY?
JUST THAT, LIKE, BANG.
[chuckles] I MEAN, THAT'S A BAD DUMP.
IT'S MORE OF A HATE CRIME THAN IT IS A DUMP.
IT'S THE KIND OF DUMP WHERE YOU GOTTA
FLUSH, SPRAY, AND PAINT, OKAY?
IT'S THAT KIND OF-- HELLO?
I GOT MORE.
IT'S THE KIND OF DUMP--
IT'S THE KIND OF DUMP WHERE IF YOUR DOG WALKS IN,
HE'LL BACK OUT LIKE A CAT.
THAT'S THE KIND OF DUMP.
YES.
[laughter]
THIS IS DISGUSTING.
THIS IS INAPPROPRIATE, I APOLOGIZE.
LET'S PULL IT BACK A BIT.
FISTING. ALL RIGHT, FISTING.
DO WE HAVE PEOPLE FROM OTHER COUNTRIES HERE?
I'M ALWAYS CURIOUS TO WHAT-- WHAT THEY CALL FISTING.
AU BON PAIN OR THE OTHER--
FENCING WITHOUT SWORDS?
WHAT DO YOU GUYS CALL IT?
I CAN SPEAK FOR EVERY WOMAN IN HERE.
THERE IS NO ROMANTIC WAY TO FIST SOMEONE.
EVEN IF YOU WERE ON A CRUISE SHIP,
THE SUN IS SETTING, YOU JUST HAD A DELICIOUS BUFFET,
AND NOW IT'S VICIOUS FISTING.
AND AS YOUR MAN PULLS OUT, IN HIS DIRTY FILTHY PALM,
YOU NOTICE AN ENGAGEMENT RING.
YOU'D BE LIKE--
[laughter and applause]
YOU'D BE LIKE, "WHY DIDN'T YOU PUT IT IN MY SALAD?"
"WELL, I KINDA DID," AND THEN YOU'D WINK.
YOU WOULD WINK.
I KNOW WHAT IT IS, IT'S INCREDIBLY HOT.
LET ME--LET ME GET THIS KMART FAN ON EVERYBODY.
IS THAT WHAT IT IS? IT'S A LITTLE HOT DOWN HERE.
SO LET ME GET THIS KMART--
OR AS WE CALL IT UP NORTH, BLACK MACY'S--
LET ME GET THIS FAN ON EVERYBODY.
DID YOU GET SOME? PAUL, ARE YOU GETTING SOME?
IS IT BLOWING BACK THE LAUGHTER?
IS THAT WHAT IT'S DOING?
IT DOES FEEL GOOD, DOESN'T IT? OH, MY GOD.
YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO TOMORROW, EARLY?
- WHAT? - BALLOON RIDES, LET'S GO.
HAS ANYONE BEEN IN A HOT AIR BALLOON?
THAT HAS GOTTA BE THE COOLEST,
'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT REALLY IN THE--
PICK A SIDE, DUDE, I MEAN, REALLY.
[chuckles]
WHY DO I PAY HIM IN RED BULLS AND METH?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING.
SCOTT.
I AM KILLING DOWN HERE.
DUDE, HIGH-FIVE ME ON THAT ONE.
THANK YOU. ARE YOU HAVING FUN?
[laughter]
I LIKE HOW YOU GUYS LAUGH, BUT YOU LOOK AT ME
LIKE THERE'S AN AMBER ALERT WAITING TO HAPPEN.
SO IT'S LIKE, I'M SORRY, I APOLOGIZE.
SOME OF YOU ARE LAUGHING,
'CAUSE YOU SEE IT AS A JOKE AND NOT A PLAN.
SO I THINK THAT'S GREAT.
BUT THERE'S ALWAYS THE ONE GUY AFTER THE SHOW
WHO TAKES IT A LITTLE TOO FAR.
LIKE, "OH, THAT'S NOT COOL, MAN.
I WAS MOLESTED BY A PRIEST."
THAT'S AWKWARD, RIGHT? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY?
WELL, THIS IS WHAT I DID SAY:
"YOU ARE A GOOD-LOOKING KID.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW--"
[laughter]
"YOU SHOULD'VE HELD OUT FOR A BISHOP.
"WHAT CAN I TELL YA?
I MEAN, THEY COME AT YA DIAGONALLY."
ANYBODY, CHESS?
[laughter]
I GIVE THAT JOKE THREE SANDUSKYS.
I'M TELLING YA-- HEY, COME ON!
IT'S TIME.
IT IS TIME.
PAUL, ARE YOU GETTING THIS? THIS IS CRAZY ACTION.
HOW ABOUT YOU, THE LORD OF NO ENERGY?
ARE YOU ENJOYING THIS? NO?
WHAT JERRY SANDUSKY DID WAS WRONG.
BUT I DO WANNA KNOW ONE THING:
WERE THOSE KIDS PLAYING BETTER?
NOW, I--
HEAR ME OUT!
I USED TO PLAY A LITTLE BALL IN SCHOOL.
I KNOW THAT WOULD'VE PUT SOME OF THE HUSTLE IN ME,
IF I KNEW MY COACH WAS GONNA FUCK ME IN THE SHOWER.
YES.
"HEY, ATTELL, RUB-A-DUB-DUB."
"OH, SHIT. HUDDLE UP, GUYS."
[laughter]
RELAX.
THERE'S NO HUDDLE IN TENNIS.
NOW--
YOU'RE LAUGHING. NOW I KNOW IT'S FUNNY.
[laughter]
LET'S THROW ONE OUT FOR THE LADIES.
NOW, IS SIZE IMPORTANT, LADIES?
- YES. - EXACTLY.
THAT WAS A LITTLE TOO QUICK. ALL RIGHT.
BUT THERE'S SUCH A THING AS TOO BIG, AM I RIGHT?
I MEAN, LIKE, IF IT'S BIG ENOUGH--
NO? WHO IS THIS GIRL?
[laughs]
WHO IS THIS GIRL, AND HOW IS SHE ABLE TO SIT DOWN?
THAT'S WHAT I WANNA KNOW.
LIKE, LET'S SAY HIS DICK WAS SNOW,
AND IT WAS SO BIG, IT COULD CLOSE A SCHOOL.
WOULD THAT BE-- [laughter]
I DID THAT ONE FOR THE SOUTH JERSEY PEOPLE.
NO? ALL RIGHT.
WOMEN ARE AMAZING, OKAY.
GOING DOWN ON A WOMAN--
DOES ANY GUY KNOW HOW TO DO THIS GOOD?
- NO. - WHO SAID THAT?
MISS, HOW COME YOU'RE NOT SITTING UP FRONT,
AND THIS WALL OF HATE IS UP HERE?
[laughter and applause]
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING DOWN THERE.
THIS IS WHAT I DO, OKAY?
ARE YOU WITH ME? THIS IS WHAT I DO.
I PRETEND I'M IN A BANK ROBBERY, YEAH.
I GET LOW, I SHAKE, AND I JUST WAIT FOR INSTRUCTIONS.
I'M LIKE, "MM-HMM. MMM."
[laughter and applause]
THANK YOU. YOU'VE BEEN TO A BANK.
YOU WOULD HAVE TO GO TO A BANK TO UNDERSTAND THAT.
[cheers and applause]
I ASSUME WOMEN LIKE WHEN A GUY DOES THAT, RIGHT?
HERE'S A FUN THING TO DO NEXT TIME.
OKAY, NEXT TIME YOUR GUY GOES IN THAT AREA,
DO THIS, OKAY? IT'LL BLOW HIS MIND.
COME EVENTUALLY.
I MEAN, IT'LL JUST-- YEAH, YEAH.
AS A GOOF, JUST AS A GOOF.
MOVE AROUND, BLINK, TWITCH, DO SOMETHING.
I MEAN, REALLY, I DON'T THINK A SEX ACT
SHOULD BE LONGER THAN A CIVIL WAR REENACTMENT,
BUT THAT ONE IS.
IF YOU EVEN YAWN, I'LL HIGH-FIVE YOUR FOOT.
IT'S OVER, WE'RE DONE.
WE'RE WATCHING TV.
NICE.
[laughter]
BUT TO BE FAIR TO WOMEN,
'CAUSE THIS ISN'T PAKISTAN,
I GOTTA TELL YA...
[laughter]
YOU LADIES ARE SO SMART.
YOU FIGURED OUT A WAY TO BLOW A GUY
WITHOUT EVEN BLOWING HIM.
LOOK HOW QUIET IT GOT, 'CAUSE YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT.
NO, THERE'S A LOT OF LICKING GOING ON
AND A LOT OF TUGGING, BUT VERY LITTLE SUCKING.
YEAH, YOU'VE BEEN THERE, RIGHT?
"OH, LOOK, DADDY, I'M LICKING IT LIKE AN ICE CREAM.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?"
I THINK YOU'RE TAKING A BREAK,
THAT'S WHAT I THINK.
YEAH, 'CAUSE YOU'RE TALKING.
YOU'RE TALKING.
YOU'RE TALKING, AND THAT'S, LIKE,
90% OF A BLOW JOB, IS YOU CAN'T TALK.
YOU'RE JUST TAKING A BREAK.
IF THIS WAS THE BLOW JOB FACTORY,
YOU'D BE LEANING ON A BROOM,
TELLING A STORY, WHILE EVERYBODY ELSE
WOULD BE BUSY MAKING BLOW JOBS.
WE ALL KNOW WHAT A BLOW JOB LOOKS LIKE--
BACK OF THE THROAT, CAN'T BREATHE, CAN'T TALK,
MASCARA DRIPPING DOWN YOUR CHEEKS,
LIKE YOU JUST SAW A CLOWN HIT BY A TRUCK.
THAT'S A BLOW JOB.
[laughter and applause]
[coughs] SHIT.
DON'T WORRY, IT'S NOT AIRBORNE,
WHATEVER THAT WAS.
ALL RIGHT. [chuckles]
I DID A SHOW ONE TIME-- ARE YOU READY?
OKAY, YOU'RE A GOOD CROWD.
I DID A SHOW ONE TIME FOR THESE SPECIAL NEEDS KIDS.
OKAY, YEAH. IT WAS A BENEFIT, OKAY.
I DID A BENEFIT FOR THE SPECIAL NEEDS KIDS.
AND THEY WERE HECKLING ME, OKAY?
NO, AND IT HURT.
'CAUSE UNLIKE THEM, YOU KNOW, I FEEL.
AND I'LL TELL YA-- YEAH, NO.
I KNOW.
I KNOW THEY FEEL HOT AND COLD,
BUT I'M TALKING THE WHOLE RAINBOW OF FEELINGS.
ALL RIGHT?
THEY WERE HECKLING ME.
NOT LIKE YOU GUYS, SPECIAL HECKLES.
AND THAT-- YEAH, THAT IS WEIRD.
THE BIGGEST ONE, RIGHT?
I ASSUME HE WAS THE LEADER,
'CAUSE HE'S WEARING ALL THESE MEDALS, RIGHT?
LIKE I SAID, THIS IS NOT--
NOT AN APPROPRIATE JOKE.
ALL RIGHT, THE BIGGEST ONE,
HE STANDS UP, AND HE STARTS POINTING AT ME.
AND HE'S LIKE, "YOU'RE NOT CANDY.
WE WANT CANDY. YOU'RE NOT CANDY."
HOURS LATER, I TALK TO THEIR HANDLER, RIGHT?
I'M LIKE, "WHAT?
"WHAT IS UP WITH THIS CANDY,
'YOU'RE NOT CANDY' THING?"
AND SHE'S LIKE, "WELL, EITHER YOU'RE SWEET
AND DELICIOUS, OR YOU'RE NOT."
AND I'M LIKE, "OH, YOU'RE ONE OF 'EM."
SO ONCE AGAIN, NOT FOR EVERYBODY.
OKAY, HOURS LATER, OR AS THEY SAY, "THIS MANYS,"
WE'RE AT--STAY--
JUST STAY WITH ME.
WE'RE AT THE AQUARIUM,
OR AS THEY CALL IT, THE SEA ZOO,
YOU KNOW, WHERE--
WHERE THE WET ANIMALS LIVE.
WE'RE AT--
[laughter]
I'M SO SORRY.
WE'RE AT THE AQUARIUM,
AND THE SPECIALS ARE RIDING DOLPHINS, OKAY?
THEY GOT 'EM IN HELMETS.
THEY'RE JUST THROWING 'EM IN THE DOLPHIN TANK,
JUST THROWING 'EM IN.
THROWING 'EM IN LIKE THE DOLPHIN'S
GONNA SWIM THE SPECIAL OUT OF 'EM.
JUST THROWING 'EM IN.
THE DOLPHIN ISN'T LIKING IT. THE SPECIALS AREN'T LIKING IT.
THEY'RE ALL MAKING--THEY'RE ALL MAKING THE SAME NOISE.
THEY'RE LIKE, "AAH, AAH, AAH."
WHICH MEANS "YOU'RE NOT CANDY" IN DOLPHIN.
NOW, SOME OF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING
'CAUSE YOU HAVE A SOUL.
OTHERS--
OTHERS ARE LIKE, "WHAT A WASTE OF DOLPHIN!
"THROW 'EM IN A BABY POOL WITH A WET DOG,
AND TELL 'EM IT'S A DOLPHIN."
THE POOR MAN'S DOLPHIN RIDE.
YOU ALL RIGHT?
THERE YOU GO, IT'S OVER.
WOW, LOOK AT ALL THAT ENERGY.
[cheers and applause]
I KNEW A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED SPECIAL NEEDS JOKE
WOULD GET YOU GUYS GOING.
- LET'S GET TO THE REASON WHY WE'RE ALL HERE.
PLEASE WELCOME MR. DAVE ATTELL.
[cheers and applause]
- ALL RIGHT, WE'RE HERE AT ONE EYED JACKS, NEW ORLEANS.
ALL FUN STUFF WAS INVENTED IN NEW ORLEANS.
JAZZ, HUH?
all: YEAH!
- POKER, CRAPS, LOOTING.
YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE.
THERE YOU GO. THIS ONE DRUNK.
HE KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
THIS MEMBER OF THE DUCK DYNASTY,
COMING IN AND OUT OF--
COMING IN AND OUT OF THE BAYOUS,
TRADING DUCKS AND GATOR SKINS
FOR CLEAN NEEDLES AND BABY WIPES.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY DO.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.
[laughter]
OH, GOOD, A SWITCH.
NOW--THIS IS TOUGH.
I WATCH A LOT OF PORN.
YOU GUYS WATCH PORN, DON'T YOU?
[cheers and applause]
GIRL-ON-GIRL, DO YOU KNOW THIS TYPE
OF GENRE OF PORN, THIS NICHE, GIRL-ON-GIRL?
YEAH, IT'S WHEN ONE GIRL HAS A DRUG PROBLEM,
AND THE OTHER ONE NEEDS TO PAY RENT.
AND THEY JUST SCISSOR
UNTIL THEY BREAK THEIR DADS' HEART.
IT'S A--
THIS PORN STAR I KNOW GOES, "YOU KNOW,
THEY DON'T COME WHEN THEY DO THAT."
I'M LIKE, "WELL, I DO, ALL RIGHT?
SO KEEP DOING IT."
WON 'EM BACK.
[laughter]
THE REAL HERO IN THAT JOKE IS LUBRICANT.
DO YOU GUYS USE LUBE?
PROBABLY NOT.
YOU JUST RUB A LITTLE JAMBALAYA
DOWN ON YOUR HOLES AND LET IT HAPPEN.
WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT LUBE IN THIS TOWN?
EVERYTHING'S FUCKING LUBE HERE.
- WHOO!
- I THINK WOMEN ENJOY LUBE, RIGHT?
LADIES, HUH? YOUR CHICK? [women cheer]
MR. UNCOMFORTABLE AND HIS WOMAN OVER HERE, RIGHT?
[laughter]
I DON'T KNOW WHAT GROUPON DEAL YOU DID
TO DO THIS FUCKING SHOW, DUDE.
YOU DO NOT--
ALL RIGHT, LUBE.
WHEN YOU PULL OUT LUBE IN A RELATIONSHIP,
WOMEN ARE INTO IT.
PULL OUT A 2-, 3-GALLON JUG OF LUBE, RIGHT?
SHE GETS THAT-- GETS THAT LOOK IN HER EYES.
"WOW, IF HE CAN AFFORD LUBRICANT,
"HE PROBABLY CAN AFFORD BREAKFAST.
"THIS GUY IS GREAT.
I BETTER PUT MY TEETH IN, WHOA."
all: OHH!
- OH, FUCKIN' JUST
PULL BACK YOUR MULLET AND TAKE IT.
JEEZ.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
IN THE COMMERCIAL FOR LUBE,
THEY ALWAYS SHOW THE FUN PRE-LUBING,
NEVER THAT POST, AWKWARD LUBE CLEAN-UP, YOU KNOW?
IT'S JUST A TOTAL MESS.
YOU'RE WEARING A HAZMAT SUIT, YOUR GIRL'S SLIPPING ON IT,
YOUR DOG'S LICKING IT, THERE'S A THUMBPRINT ON THE ALARM CLOCK.
OH. [laughter]
WOW, THE CROWD'S ROLLING. IT'S ROLLING.
WE'RE ON.
ARE YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME? YEAH, THIS IS GOOD, RIGHT?
HOW ABOUT THE--THE ROW OF GUYS WHO KIND OF LOOK LIKE ME?
YOU GUYS? IT'S LIKE THE THREE--
THE MOUNT RUSHMORE OF FUCKING LONELY.
HERE WE ARE, JUST BALD.
THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT FLIP-FLOPS IN THIS TOWN
THAT I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S EITHER COURAGEOUS OR STUPID.
- AWESOME!
- HOW MANY PUDDLES OF VOMIT AND URINE
AND JUST DISCHARGE DO YOU HAVE TO JUMP?
CAN I GET A KAHLUA AND CREAM AND JUST A POT TO BOIL MY TOES?
CAN I JUST--GONNA GO OVER TO THE VOODOO SHOP
AND PUT SOME LINIMENT ON THAT NOW.
MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME, MAN.
WOW, HE'S THE FIRST GUY WE'VE BEEN TAPING EVER.
HE'S THE FIRST GUY WHO REALLY MADE IT HIS OWN.
DID YOU GET A LOT OF PRACTICE ON THAT SHOW CHEATERS?
THEY'RE SENDING THEIR SECURITY IN NOW, MAN.
[crowd groaning] UH-OH.
THE CROWD IS GOING-- SOMETHING'S HAPPENING HERE.
- YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!
- IT'S A HOSTAGE SITUATION.
WELL, HOLD HIS HAND, HELP HIM DOWN LIKE A LADY.
HELP DOWN LIKE A LADY!
WHAT HAPPENED TO SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY?
[mumbling]
ISN'T THAT THE SADDEST THING,
THAT'S THE MOST EXCITING FUCKING THING
THAT'S HAPPENED SO FAR? FUCK.
DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE. THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING, GUYS.
TAKE A PEDICAB.
THEY'RE OUT THERE RIGHT NOW. THAT'S THE WAY TO SEE A TOWN.
SLOW, HOT, WITH JUST A HINT OF SLAVERY.
I LOVE IT.
WHEN I GET OUT, I DON'T TIP 'EM, I FREE THEM.
I'M LIKE, "KEEP RUNNING!
"KEEP RUNNING TILL YOU HIT MARYLAND!
KEEP PEDALING AND PUMPING."
THIS JOKE NEEDS MORE CORD! HELP ME OUT!
THANK YOU. FUCK.
THAT WAS LIKE AN EPISODE OF DEADLIEST CATCH.
UGH.
PEOPLE WANT YOU TO SMOKE THE E-CIGARETTE.
HAVE YOU SEEN IT? YEAH.
I WAS SMOKING ONE OF THESE THINGS, PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THAT.
I WAS SMOKING IT, A WOMAN WALKS IN FRONT OF ME,
SHE STARTS COUGHING AND WAVING HER HAND IN FRONT OF HER FACE.
WHY? OH, SHE DOESN'T WANNA GET
ANY SCIENCE IN HER? IS THAT WHAT IT IS?
OH, OH, SECONDHAND NEW IDEAS. OH!
MY HAIR SMELLS LIKE STEPHEN HAWKING'S BALL SACK.
- OH!
- I'M JUST COVERING A FART.
GO AHEAD.
- LOUDER! YOU GOTTA TALK LOUDER.
- I--YOU CAN'T HEAR ME?
WOW, WAY TO KILL A BONER WITH THAT VOICE.
HOLY SHIT.
THE ANTI-VIAGRA.
[drawls] "HEY, YOU COMIN' IN OR WHAT?
THIS PUSSY ISN'T GONNA EAT ITSELF."
[woman hollers]
HOW ABOUT A HAND FOR THE GUY WHO'S GOTTA FUCK THAT?
HOW ABOUT THAT NOW? [applause]
YOU WANTED A HARD MOTHERFUCKER,
I'M A HARD MOTHERFUCKER IN THIS ROOM!
I WAS DATING A GIRL WITH A LAZY EYE FOR A WHILE.
MOSTLY 'CAUSE SHE WAS GOOD AT FINDING PARKING.
BUT I'LL TELL YA-- [laughter]
I'M THE W-- I'M THE WORST COMIC.
I AM JUST HORRIBLE.
- HANDICAPPED! - OH, YOU'VE NEVER DRIVEN AROUND
WITH A COCKEYED BITCH?
WELL, THIS WHORE-- THIS HALF-LIZARD,
SHE COULD FIND A SPOT TWO CLICKS BACK.
SHE WAS THAT GOOD.
BUT I NEVER COULD PULL A FACIAL ON HER.
NO, SHE COULD SEE IT COMING TWO DAYS AHEAD OF TIME.
FACIALS.
NOT MANY WOMEN ARE INTO IT,
BUT IF GOD DIDN'T WANT YOU TO DO IT,
WHY DID HE GIVE YOU EYELIDS? ALL RIGHT?
SCRIPTURE SAYS!
WOMEN ARE INTO IT, BUT THEN AT THE LAST SECOND,
THEIR DIGNITY KICKS IN, NOW THEY TURN AWAY.
WELL, THERE'S NO PAUSE ON A DICK.
NOW YOU'RE GONNA CATCH ONE IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD,
OR AS THEY CALL IT UP NORTH, "A LINCOLN."
I'LL TELL YA--
[laughter]
SOME GIRLS--SOME GIRLS USE
THEIR TEDDY BEAR AS A SECRET SERVICE AGENT
TO BLOCK THE SHOT.
NO.
"YOU CAN'T COME ON A TEDDY BEAR!
THAT'S CAJUN BAD LUCK."
JIZZ HAS NO SOUND.
THAT'S WHY GUYS ADD THEIR OWN ROUGH COMMENTARY
TO LET THE WOMAN KNOW THAT SOMETHING
THAT IS NOT ICE CREAM IS ABOUT TO HIT HER IN THE FACE.
IT'S CALLED BEING A GENTLEMAN, ALL RIGHT?
[laughter]
IT'S ALWAYS ROUGH, DIRTY TALK.
LIKE, "TAKE IT, YOU WHORE! YOU'RE LOVING THIS SHIT!
"I'M DROPPING BOMBS. I'M DROPPING BOMBS!
FLAPPITY FLIPPITY! AW--YOU'RE ADOPTED."
NOW--
THEY DON'T MEAN THAT AT ALL.
BUT THESE GUYS-- THESE GUYS ARE PORN STARS.
THEY GOT MULTIPLE LOADS. I'M AN OLD MAN.
MY LOAD LOOKS LIKE A HOMELESS GUY
BLOWING HIS NOSE ON THE STREET.
IT'S JUST-- THERE'S NO GLORY TO IT.
IT'S JUST A LOAD, DRIBBLE, DRIBBLE, DRIBBLE, STEAM.
THAT'S ALL IT IS.
[cheers and applause]
WE DID IT!
HERE'S TO YOU, MAN. EXCELLENT WORK, SCOTT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I LOVE YOU, NEW ORLEANS.
YOU GUYS ARE GREAT. THANK YOU.
[cheers and applause]
- ON THE FACE, DISGUSTING. NOT MANY WOMEN ARE INTO IT.
BUT, LADIES, IF GOD DIDN'T--
IF GOD-- [laughter]
THAT WAS LIKE SHOWERING IN PRISON RIGHT THERE.
I DIDN'T WANT HIM--
DIDN'T WANT HIM TO GET MY BACKSIDE, UH-UH.